0:00:37 > 0:00:39Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42I'm Charlotte Church. In the news this week...
0:00:42 > 0:00:44During a particularly bad hangover,
0:00:44 > 0:00:49Prince Harry's butler is sent out to get an extra-large espresso...
0:00:54 > 0:00:57In Texas, having ditched performance-enhancing drugs,
0:00:57 > 0:01:01a new-look Lance Armstrong starts training for the Tour de France...
0:01:07 > 0:01:10And round the back of a beauticians' in Knightsbridge,
0:01:10 > 0:01:12there's evidence that Rebekah Brooks
0:01:12 > 0:01:16celebrated her multi-million pound pay-off with a bikini wax.
0:01:16 > 0:01:21LAUGHTER
0:01:26 > 0:01:30With Ian tonight is a co-presenter of the quiz show Pointless,
0:01:30 > 0:01:33where the aim is to score as few points as possible.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36At last, a show Ian could win. Please welcome Richard Osman.
0:01:36 > 0:01:37Hiya.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:43 > 0:01:45And with Paul is a comedian and actor
0:01:45 > 0:01:47who stars in the BAFTA-winning sitcom, Rev.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50But he's still happy to do shows like this just for the money,
0:01:50 > 0:01:54so he's a vicar AND a tart. Please welcome Miles Jupp.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:00 > 0:02:03And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Paul and Miles, take a look at this.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09Oh, yes, OK. This is the controversy...
0:02:09 > 0:02:11- There's Boris. - Winning in Vegas.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Indeed, and there's a man, alone. But...
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Oh! Not alone for long.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18I think this is the story about
0:02:18 > 0:02:20whether gay people are human beings or not.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23If they are, they have equal rights and should be able to get married,
0:02:23 > 0:02:25and if they're not, they can't.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27That's right. This is the row over legalising gay marriage,
0:02:27 > 0:02:30which threatens to rend the Tory Party asunder.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32- So, who's behind it?- Um...
0:02:36 > 0:02:39That's quite a question, with those Tory backbenchers(!)
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Ignoring the answer that would fill other, lesser shows,
0:02:41 > 0:02:43I would say...
0:02:43 > 0:02:45I don't know. Who is?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48- It's Cameron-Clegg.- Cameron-Clegg.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51- Cameron-Clegg, a gay married couple. - Yes...
0:02:51 > 0:02:54And what is the Tory MP Peter Bone's big problem?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Er...his name.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01He's...he's against it.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Yes. It's also that he's protesting
0:03:03 > 0:03:05that neither the Tories, Labour, or the Lib Dems
0:03:05 > 0:03:08even mentioned legalising gay marriage in their manifestos.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12I know it's childish, but every time David Cameron says on gay marriage
0:03:12 > 0:03:15that he's got a mandate, it makes me laugh.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22So, what was the compromise position the Government have worked out?
0:03:22 > 0:03:24You can't ask these questions!
0:03:24 > 0:03:27They CAN get married in church,
0:03:27 > 0:03:30but they have to keep the lights off, so people can't see them.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32The churches that don't want to do it, don't have to.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34That's the compromise.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38And it seems they've come up with the solution that pleases no-one.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40They've also changed the Equality Act,
0:03:40 > 0:03:43so you can't sue a vicar for not marrying a gay couple.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45"Can't sue a vicar," that's a great phrase, isn't it?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47You can imagine vicars running around,
0:03:47 > 0:03:50"Ooh! Can't sue a vicar! Can't sue a vicar!"
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Do you always act them as camp, or...?
0:03:53 > 0:03:55I've got four or five vicars in my repertoire, Ian...
0:03:55 > 0:03:58- Oh, right. - ..one of whom is unbelievably butch.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03So, one Tory MP opposed to gay marriage, David Davies,
0:04:03 > 0:04:06caused a stir when he said most people wouldn't want gay children.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10So, how did he prove that he isn't, in fact, homophobic?
0:04:10 > 0:04:12- MILES: He once hit a gay man. - Yeah, but how?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14In the ring, in a boxing ring.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Indeed. Can you remember what his name was?
0:04:16 > 0:04:19- RICHARD: Yes, the Pink Pounder. - It was. Very good.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22David Davies punched out a gay man, so he's not homophobic.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24- That's how we know that. - Yes. Really.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Took some punishment in the ring, I suspect, but...
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Nice!
0:04:31 > 0:04:32APPLAUSE
0:04:32 > 0:04:34I'm sorry.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37So, he actually tweeted...
0:04:40 > 0:04:43..is what he said, which, of course, puts all of our minds at ease,
0:04:43 > 0:04:44that he isn't homophobic.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47- He's an MP in Wales, isn't he?- Yeah.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48- Yes.- In Monmouth?- Monmouth, yeah.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52- I've met him, actually. - Nice guy?- Er...
0:04:52 > 0:04:56He seemed perfectly reasonable. I got no sense of homophobia from him,
0:04:56 > 0:04:58but then, why would I?
0:04:58 > 0:05:00I never tried to box him, or anything like that.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03He goes to church with my parents-in-law.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06I don't want to cause any sort of...awkward politics.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09I once gave him directions while I was doing some light gardening.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15So, why has the Government raised this issue now?
0:05:15 > 0:05:19It's happening now because Cameron and his wife,
0:05:19 > 0:05:21they looked at their mantelpiece, and they thought,
0:05:21 > 0:05:24"We used to have loads of wedding invitations and now there's...
0:05:24 > 0:05:29"Everyone we know is already married, or awaiting sentence."
0:05:30 > 0:05:33I think the real reason he's doing it is it's just distracting.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35It's like being in America.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37You do politics about things that aren't happening...
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Just to make us stop thinking about
0:05:39 > 0:05:41the economic shit pit of a situation that we have.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43- Is that a technical term? - Absolutely!
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- Or is it Welsh?- No.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49So, meanwhile, what has the Government not been doing
0:05:49 > 0:05:51while the gay marriage row has been going on?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Apart from not looking at the economy properly...
0:05:54 > 0:05:56- They've been doing the census. Not that?- No, not that.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- Responding to the Leveson Report. - Oh, yes!
0:05:59 > 0:06:01So, after Cameron told the newspaper editors off
0:06:01 > 0:06:04and demanded that they come up with some ideas
0:06:04 > 0:06:06about regulating themselves, what did the editors do?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08They went off and had a big lunch.
0:06:08 > 0:06:13- Were you invited to this big blowout?- No.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15- Funny that, isn't it? - Yeah, it is. I mean, I was there.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- You were there as well?- Yeah, yeah. - Were you? Yes, yes.
0:06:18 > 0:06:19Yes. It was fun, it was good.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23- It was brilliant. The Pink Pounder came along...- It was great.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26- Weren't you really annoyed? - No, I didn't care at all.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I gave my evidence to Leveson.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31I've said the same thing all the way through. They know what I think...
0:06:31 > 0:06:34and Private Eye was not criticised in the Leveson Report.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37In fact, he...he was quite kind.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41And you're not interested enough in wider journalism?
0:06:41 > 0:06:44- Only your own interests...? - Of course. Don't be stupid.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48But, Leveson's got interesting, because...
0:06:49 > 0:06:52RICHARD: Wow. That is interesting.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Our party would have been amazing if someone had come along and done that.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Is that essentially Gangnam Style? Is that what that was?
0:06:58 > 0:07:01It's good, it was very close. You know Gangnam Style?
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Yes, I know Gangnam Style! Who am I kidding?
0:07:04 > 0:07:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:10 > 0:07:13So, why has it become very interesting?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16It's become interesting because The Telegraph had a story
0:07:16 > 0:07:18about the Culture Secretary and her expenses...
0:07:18 > 0:07:20- Maria Miller? Milner?- Maria Miller.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23She's been claiming rent on this house where her parents live,
0:07:23 > 0:07:25and you're not really allowed to do this,
0:07:25 > 0:07:29and when other MPs did it, they got fairly violently criticised.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31But she's the Culture Secretary, so the Telegraph rang her up
0:07:31 > 0:07:34and said, "We've got this story about you
0:07:34 > 0:07:36"and the expenses on your house," and her aide said,
0:07:36 > 0:07:38"I should warn you that, you know,
0:07:38 > 0:07:41"the Culture Secretary is looking at the Leveson Report..."
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Ooh...
0:07:43 > 0:07:44And then they did it again.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47They rang the Prime Minister's office and, again,
0:07:47 > 0:07:49HIS communications bloke said,
0:07:49 > 0:07:53"I should warn you that Maria Miller is looking at Leveson."
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- So, there was a bit of a threat... - A veiled threat...
0:07:55 > 0:07:59..that if you do this sort of journalistic thing of pointing out
0:07:59 > 0:08:02where we're fiddling expenses, we might crack down on you,
0:08:02 > 0:08:04and introduce a law.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07They said it wasn't a threat, though. They just mentioned Leveson,
0:08:07 > 0:08:09in the way that the frightening man in the pub
0:08:09 > 0:08:12might mention the quality of hospital food.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15We should point out that Maria Miller was claiming expenses
0:08:15 > 0:08:18on her second home, and denies any wrongdoing.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19Yeah, how stupid of anyone to infer
0:08:19 > 0:08:22that there was something dodgy in it(!)
0:08:22 > 0:08:24I think she should be exonerated.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26- Is that the word I mean? - Exonerated?
0:08:26 > 0:08:31What's it when they tie you up and put electricity through you?
0:08:31 > 0:08:32And let's not forget Rebekah Brooks.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34What did we learn about her this week?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36She's getting more money than we thought.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Instead of nine million, she's getting eleven.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40How much did the victims of phone hacking get?
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Somewhere between 30,000 and...
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Our payoff, as in me and my family, was one of the biggest payoffs,
0:08:46 > 0:08:48we got 600,000, between me, my mother and my father.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52- So, she gets 20 times more than you do...?- Yeah...
0:08:52 > 0:08:54- WHISPERS:- Bitch. - ..to keep quiet.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58I'm sure there were other bits in the document.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00- She gets all legal costs as well, doesn't she?- Yeah.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04- Unless she's found guilty. - Right, and then she gets double?
0:09:04 > 0:09:07There's a fantastic bit of evidence in the Leveson Report,
0:09:07 > 0:09:10I just have to bring this up, involving Charlotte.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14- It's about when you sung at Rupert Murdoch's wedding.- Yes, yes.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18And...the request came through for you to sing Pie Jesu,
0:09:18 > 0:09:20which is from Faure's Requiem,
0:09:20 > 0:09:23- and you pointed out this was a funeral...dirge.- Yes.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26And at the time, you say in your evidence, you've no idea why.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30But I know. Because the party was organised by his young wife.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31Right...
0:09:33 > 0:09:36How did it go down? Were you a storm on the yacht?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Yeah, apart from Pie Jesu, really.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40- They didn't like that one?- No.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Who were you most surprised to see there,
0:09:42 > 0:09:45that turned out to be part of that sort of power group?
0:09:45 > 0:09:48I didn't know who any of them were!
0:09:48 > 0:09:50RICHARD: Bobby Davro, I bet, was there.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54OK. So, on the subject of privacy,
0:09:54 > 0:09:57whose relationship did we find out too much about this week?
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- It has to do with Twitter. - MILES: Oh, the Bercows.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Presumably most weeks someone finds out too much
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- about Bercows on Twitter. - What have they been up to this week?
0:10:05 > 0:10:08- Well, surprisingly... - He knows.- Oh.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12I think they've had an anniversary of some sort and...
0:10:12 > 0:10:14RICHARD: Wedding anniversary, I think.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17A Wedding anniversary. Right, OK, not the anniversary of,
0:10:17 > 0:10:19I don't know, a killing spree they'd been on.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22That's March the 17th.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24LAUGHTER
0:10:24 > 0:10:27"The night we bathed our love in blood."
0:10:27 > 0:10:29She tweeted...
0:10:36 > 0:10:40So, what did we learn about marriage from the last 2011 census?
0:10:40 > 0:10:43- It's not very popular any more. - Yeah, less people getting married.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Apart from Polish people, that's about it.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49- Less than half of the UK population now bother with it, apparently.- Oh!
0:10:49 > 0:10:53And that's literally just the women. That's the weird thing.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57That's what they can't work out.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59So, what did we learn about the ethnic mix of the UK?
0:10:59 > 0:11:01- MILES: It's changed. - Yes...
0:11:01 > 0:11:05- as is reflected by the panel tonight.- Yep.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Yeah, apparently it is changing fast.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13White people are now in a minority in London...
0:11:13 > 0:11:15White BRITISH in a minority in London.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17White people generally are still in a majority,
0:11:17 > 0:11:20because of the Polish and the Ukrainians.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24But whereabouts in the population is 95% White British?
0:11:24 > 0:11:28- Wales.- Quite right. But we do love strangers, honest.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30It's true.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32It's all the Celtic fringes.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36Scotland, Wales, the West Country.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Mostly White. Still.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41That sounds like a racist weather forecast.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Dark clouds coming over...
0:11:50 > 0:11:54We could just sit here all day trotting out boring statistics...
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- We could do(!) - I feel like we have done.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00- So, I've invented quite a boring game...- Oh, great.- Lovely.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03..we can play with statistics, called Pointless.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06You have to try and guess which is the lowest number
0:12:06 > 0:12:09- in the categories I'm going to give you.- Fantastic.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Over half a million people surveyed
0:12:11 > 0:12:14said that they were from a minority religion.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16So, here are five of the religions
0:12:16 > 0:12:18closest to being pointless.
0:12:18 > 0:12:19Wicca is part of the craft movement,
0:12:19 > 0:12:21- is that right?- Yeah, that's right.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25So, Ian and Richard, you go first.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Well, I think that the Heavy Metal
0:12:27 > 0:12:28and Satanism will split
0:12:28 > 0:12:30- a particular vote.- Yeah.
0:12:33 > 0:12:34I think Satanism will be
0:12:34 > 0:12:37the lowest-scoring of those.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41OK, so let's see what percentage of people picked Satanism.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46INDISTINCT CHATTER
0:12:48 > 0:12:50- Ooh!- Ooh!
0:12:50 > 0:12:52- That's good.- Is that good? - That's good.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Very pointless.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Oh, I tell you what, this is exciting!
0:12:59 > 0:13:01OK, Paul and Miles, your turn.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03OK, I would say Heavy Metal. What do
0:13:03 > 0:13:04- you think?- I think you're right.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06It's not a type of religion, it's a type of...
0:13:06 > 0:13:08- Well, it's a type of metal, isn't it?- Yes, it is.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10We're going to go for Heavy Metal.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13OK, let's see what Heavy Metal has.
0:13:15 > 0:13:16MILES: Doing well so far.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Yeah. Excited face.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24- AUDIENCE GROAN - 1.2. Almost. It was close.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28What an extraordinary noise!
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Here's the list of all the answers.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32We couldn't have won anyway, then.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34So, that means Ian and Richard were
0:13:34 > 0:13:36closest to pointless. Well done.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37You get a point.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40APPLAUSE
0:13:41 > 0:13:44- Now, it's only a couple of weeks until Christmas...- Yes.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47..but where wasn't Jesus welcomed this week?
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Oh, in a darts tournament.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52This was... Yes...
0:13:52 > 0:13:56Jesus turned up and, unfortunately, lots of people were quite drunk.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58So Jesus, instead of spreading the Word,
0:13:58 > 0:14:01was escorted out of the building by security guards.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03- Right.- Did you say he WASN'T actually Jesus?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- No, he WAS Jesus. - Oh, he was. He was Jesus.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09How did I miss the Second Coming?!
0:14:09 > 0:14:11You're not interested in darts!
0:14:11 > 0:14:15He was actually at the Cash Converters Darts Championship final
0:14:15 > 0:14:17at Butlins in Minehead.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19I think we should have a look at it.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26CROWD BOOS
0:14:26 > 0:14:28CROWD CHANTS: Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!
0:14:35 > 0:14:38The trouble is, before he turned up, they were drinking water.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42MILES: I'd be pretty happy to lose my deposit on a holiday there,
0:14:42 > 0:14:43I have to say.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Speaking of premier events in the social calendar,
0:14:48 > 0:14:50which musical opened this week?
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Viva Forever, the Spice Girls musical.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Yes, that is exactly right.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58The Telegraph gave the musical a scathing review -
0:14:58 > 0:15:03"Tawdry, lazy, unedifying, banal and fatuous..."
0:15:03 > 0:15:05were all unavailable for comment.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12If anyone can name me five Spice Girls hits,
0:15:12 > 0:15:14I'm going to give you an extra point.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- I'll name you ten for two points. - Whoa! Really? Dude, let's go.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21- Wannabe.- Yeah.- Two Become One. - Uh-huh.- Say You'll Be There.- Wow!
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- Spice Up Your Life.- Yeah. - Mama.- Pie Jesu.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26One minute.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32- Mama.- You said Mama, but that's five.- Viva Forever.- Yeah.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33Er...
0:15:33 > 0:15:36- Stop.- Yeah...- Goodbye.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40Goodbye... Did it have a little more?
0:15:40 > 0:15:42- No.- No? OK, sorry.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- Goodbye.- And Too Much.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47- Hang on, that's nine.- OK. Holler.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Wow, that was incredible!
0:15:50 > 0:15:53APPLAUSE
0:15:53 > 0:15:57Do you ever do anything where you think, "Why did I do that?"
0:15:57 > 0:15:58Yeah, absolutely.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02This show really deserves to be on at 5:15, doesn't it?
0:16:02 > 0:16:06How do you know that? I mean, you're not one of them.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Yeah, I'm Lofty Spice.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15APPLAUSE
0:16:17 > 0:16:19I was thinking more of Waste Of Spice.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22- AUDIENCE GROAN - No...the knowledge.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24The knowledge, the knowledge.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- Richard, I'm afraid I can't give you those two points.- Really?
0:16:27 > 0:16:30I'm going to have to take away some for you being so unbelievably sad.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Yeah, that's fine. You know what, that's what I deserve.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Was it recently a question on your show?
0:16:36 > 0:16:40Er...you know what...? Yes, let's say it was.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Or do you have a younger sister who bought these records
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- when they came out?- Let's say both those things are true.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48And did she play them all the time?
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Oh, did she ever(!)
0:16:51 > 0:16:54This is the latest proposals for gay marriage.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58According to a guide to the proposals in the Daily Mail...
0:17:04 > 0:17:09Yes, I been to a few gay clubs, and that's not going to be a problem.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13This week, David Davies, the Tory MP for Monmouth, claimed...
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Well, I don't mind if my kids turn out to be gay,
0:17:18 > 0:17:22just as long as they don't turn out to be Tory MPs.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25The two aren't mutually exclusive!
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Ian and Richard, take a look at this.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31- Oh, Berlusconi is back.- Yes.
0:17:31 > 0:17:36Like a bald, sex-starved, sex-craved Terminator.
0:17:38 > 0:17:43That looks like a party and a half. Is that the darts at Minehead?
0:17:43 > 0:17:45That's the EU Nobel Prize.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49I think they're playing the EU anthem, and we can't hear it.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53Oh, I think they're maybe playing Spice Up Your Life.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56It got to number one, I think it was...November...
0:17:57 > 0:17:59No, I don't go that deep.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02I bet you do!
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Yeah, Silvio Berlusconi is back.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06He's withdrawn his support for Mario Monti in Italy,
0:18:06 > 0:18:08so they're going to have to hold another election.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12- It's political chaos in Italy.- This is how democracy works in Europe.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16Mario Monti wasn't elected. He's the person the Germans want...
0:18:16 > 0:18:19and the public wanted Berlusconi,
0:18:19 > 0:18:22- but, sadly, he had a number of issues...- Yes.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26..as we say. Most of them about 17.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Absolutely. So, what does Berlusconi say motivated him
0:18:29 > 0:18:31to come out of retirement?
0:18:31 > 0:18:33He's got a new girlfriend. He has!
0:18:33 > 0:18:36She's a local councillor. She's 27.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Incredibly old! And she's been behind him.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41She ran a campaign saying, "Come back, Silvio."
0:18:41 > 0:18:44She looks like she could handle a wheelie bin complaint.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48According to The Times, he told journalists that...
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Always worth reminding ourselves of the contrast
0:18:57 > 0:19:01with what he was saying just before he left office in 2011...
0:19:06 > 0:19:08He's got another incentive to be Prime Minister.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Cos if you're Prime Minister, they can't prosecute you for corruption,
0:19:12 > 0:19:15and you can bring in laws that say, "I can't be prosecuted."
0:19:15 > 0:19:18So, it's quite in his interests to be Prime Minister
0:19:18 > 0:19:21at this particular time, because there is a court case going on
0:19:21 > 0:19:23with someone called Ruby the Enchanter,
0:19:23 > 0:19:26who is turning up to court to say she had him
0:19:26 > 0:19:28at one of these Bunga Bunga parties.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31And she was 17 and he was about 100.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33I think she's absolutely...
0:19:33 > 0:19:35- She's called Ruby the Heart Stealer. - Heart Stealer!
0:19:35 > 0:19:39But Ruby the Enchanter sounds much more interesting. Who is she?
0:19:39 > 0:19:42What was Berlusconi convicted of a few weeks ago?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Being silly.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- Tax evasion.- Tax fraud. - That's what you always start on.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50He was given a jail sentence and barred from office
0:19:50 > 0:19:52but, of course, this happened in Italy,
0:19:52 > 0:19:54so not only has he not actually gone to prison,
0:19:54 > 0:19:56but he's also running for office again.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00And so, you mentioned the ulterior motive behind his relaunch,
0:20:00 > 0:20:03that he could possibly not have to, you know, deal with any of it.
0:20:03 > 0:20:04He could be immune, yes.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07So, he's involved in two trials.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Somebody failed to turn up in court, which was Ruby the Heart Stealer.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13She's the exotic dancer that he's alleged to have Bunga Bunga-ed
0:20:13 > 0:20:15when she was just 17.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19- Do you know what her lawyer said? - MILES: She's at school.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22She's at a College of Further Education.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24It's an apprenticeship.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25She's at Ian's.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Her lawyer actually said...
0:20:34 > 0:20:37So, is the dirty old bastard...?
0:20:37 > 0:20:39- Sorry.- Dirty old...?!
0:20:39 > 0:20:42He's sitting right here.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45APPLAUSE
0:20:46 > 0:20:49..I mean, the respected international statesman.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Is he likely to win?
0:20:51 > 0:20:53- Definitely.- He could win.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55- He's quite a long way behind in the polls, though.- Yeah.
0:20:55 > 0:21:00And in other European news, what did Nick Clegg pick up this week?
0:21:00 > 0:21:02The Nobel Prize. He was there.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Everybody sent their top people.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Angela Merkel was there from Germany...
0:21:06 > 0:21:07Er...
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Dominic Hollande from France...
0:21:09 > 0:21:13Not Dominic Hollande. Dominic Holland is a stand-up comedian.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- Is he?- I think you mean Francois Hollande.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Francois Hollande!
0:21:18 > 0:21:22- Dominic Holland. Did he go? - Yeah, he was there.- He's very funny.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24- He was doing the warm-up.- Yeah.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26He's very good. Who else was there?
0:21:26 > 0:21:29There was Van Rompuy and all the main guys of the EU.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32But I think about six countries didn't send their proper leaders,
0:21:32 > 0:21:34including us. We sent Nick Clegg instead.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36What did Cameron compare his approach
0:21:36 > 0:21:38to Britain's role in Europe to?
0:21:38 > 0:21:41- Think about Sting. - RICHARD: Think about Sting?
0:21:41 > 0:21:42What's Sting famous for?
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Leaving the Police.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48- Tantric sex, but it can't be that.- It is.- Is it?!- What?!
0:21:48 > 0:21:50He compared it to tantric sex. He said...
0:21:59 > 0:22:05Are you sure it wasn't tantric yoga? It's not always sex.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Well, what about the last line? How do you explain that, Ian?
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Yes! How DO you explain that?
0:22:11 > 0:22:15Do you really expect the court to believe this tissue of lies?
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Send him down!
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Oh, don't. I'm having a flashback.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25Meanwhile, the Conservative Euro row rumbled on this week.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28David Cameron warned of big risks if Britain were to leave the EU,
0:22:28 > 0:22:31but stay in the single market.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33He said something once again, quite idiotic.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- I get the feeling you're not a fan. - Not particularly, no.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37- Did you meet him?- I did.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40You've met them all. George Bush, the Pope...
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Where did he rate?
0:22:42 > 0:22:43I'd go low.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Low. Low on the world leader scale.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47So, below Bush?
0:22:47 > 0:22:48Oh...
0:22:48 > 0:22:51That's low. That's low.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54He asked me what state Wales was in.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58- Yeah, so, not that bad... - Did you say "terrible?"
0:22:58 > 0:23:00APPLAUSE
0:23:00 > 0:23:03No, thank you very much, Ian!
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Shall I tell you? He warned...
0:23:08 > 0:23:12An obsolete office technology?
0:23:12 > 0:23:14They're his worries right now.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Has anyone told Lord Sugar? He's back!
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Boris Johnson entered the European debate. What's he been saying?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22He's been saying, "Vote for me, I'll be Prime Minister."
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Apart from that.
0:23:24 > 0:23:28He said we've got to be robust. We could have a two-tier Europe.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32Us here, not being part of the Euro. Them there, being part of the Euro.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35- It's not very controversial. - Yeah, he said...
0:23:35 > 0:23:36Well, according to The Telegraph,
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Boris said the Prime Minister should offer...
0:23:42 > 0:23:45So, not the first time Boris has made that sort of suggestion.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49I always think Boris Johnson would make more sense as a person
0:23:49 > 0:23:52if he was wearing pyjamas.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Yeah, I agree!
0:23:53 > 0:23:56He could totally join you on Balamory, as well.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59I think he'd struggle to learn the lines.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02It's pretty tricky stuff.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05This is the possible return to Italian politics
0:24:05 > 0:24:08for Silvio Berlusconi, who's come back from the grave
0:24:08 > 0:24:10more often than Yasser Arafat.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16Also this week, the EU picked up the Nobel Peace Prize.
0:24:16 > 0:24:20According to the chairman of the Prize Committee, Europe is now...
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Now, there's a man who's never been to Magaluf!
0:24:28 > 0:24:31And so, to Round Two, the strength-o-meter of news.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the first one.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39BUZZER
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Yes, this is the... They're building a long-range missile.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44I don't know whether it can reach in London,
0:24:44 > 0:24:47but we seem to be happy to make jokes about it at the moment.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50That's right. This is the news that North Korea has launched a rocket.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Shall we see the restrained manner
0:24:52 > 0:24:54in which the impartial North Korean broadcaster
0:24:54 > 0:24:57- announced the launch of the rocket?- Oh, yes.
0:24:57 > 0:25:03SHE SPEAKS KOREAN VERY ENTHUSIASTICALLY
0:25:05 > 0:25:07So, what have the North Koreans claimed the rocket was for?
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Launching a communications satellite,
0:25:10 > 0:25:12as pioneered by Arthur C Clarke in the 1940s.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Do you have any idea what it was called?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Yes, Barry. Barry Watson.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20It was actually called...
0:25:22 > 0:25:25That's Korean for Barry Watson 3.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28On the subject of things being launched into the sky,
0:25:28 > 0:25:30does anyone know what caused a stir in Sudan this week?
0:25:30 > 0:25:32A human cannonball...
0:25:32 > 0:25:35It was an Israeli vulture which, according to The Daily Telegraph,
0:25:35 > 0:25:39was captured by Sudanese officials on grounds that the bird was...
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Any idea what his code-name is?
0:25:45 > 0:25:48- RICHARD: What, the vulture? - Yeah, he's got a code-name.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Well, then he probably is a spy.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52This is true.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56It's Barry Watson!
0:25:56 > 0:25:58He's actually known as...
0:25:58 > 0:26:00RICHARD: Oh, I was going to say that!
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Yes, this is the preamble to World War Three.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07Kim Jong-un insists the launch is part of their space programme.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09The next stage is to send a dog up into space.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11If all goes well,
0:26:11 > 0:26:15the North Korean scientists hope it will crisp up nicely on re-entry.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24BUZZER
0:26:24 > 0:26:28That's the Queen. Is she going to do her Christmas message in 3-D?
0:26:28 > 0:26:31- That's exactly right. - I know she always does it in 3-D,
0:26:31 > 0:26:35- but it's going to be broadcast in 3-D.- I know.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38What will Her Majesty's faithful subjects need,
0:26:38 > 0:26:39to see her in 3-D?
0:26:39 > 0:26:413-D glasses?
0:26:41 > 0:26:42A screen?
0:26:42 > 0:26:47Yes, although there is an easier way to experience a 3-D Queen.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Just look at the back of a coin or for a fuller effect,
0:26:50 > 0:26:52take some LSD and stare at a stamp.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57So, which non-member of the Royal family
0:26:57 > 0:27:00doesn't have much reason to celebrate this Christmas?
0:27:00 > 0:27:03- Non-member?- That's an awful lot of people, isn't it?
0:27:03 > 0:27:06- Pippa Middleton.- That's right.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08She's not celebrating, because...
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Why is she not celebrating? What's wrong with her?
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Because her book hasn't sold very well.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14She did a book of party tips.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16No, she produced this book,
0:27:16 > 0:27:19which a lot of people thought was a bit self-evident.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21It was a guide to having a party.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25It said things like, "Invite some friends round. Give them a drink."
0:27:25 > 0:27:28- RICHARD: "Don't forget to open the door."- Yes.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33"The clear liquid that pours from the ironworks in your kitchen
0:27:33 > 0:27:35"is drinkable."
0:27:35 > 0:27:38It's Pippa Middleton, whose book, Celebrate,
0:27:38 > 0:27:40has been condemned to bargain bins after dismal sales,
0:27:40 > 0:27:44despite much publicity and a reported advance of £400,000.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Wow, worse than Conrad Black's!
0:27:46 > 0:27:49- A FEW PEOPLE TITTER - Thank you very much.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52I wouldn't open with that at Butlins Minehead.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56So, which books are currently proving more popular than Pip's?
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Nearly all books.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00- The Highway Code.- Yes! Quite right.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03I've done a Christmas book. I'm not going to talk about it, though.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05- Really?- Oh, go on. - No, it would be awful.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08- Is it about the Spice Girls? - What is it?
0:28:08 > 0:28:11The Ten Singles That Changed My Life.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Again, let's say it is.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16It's a Tom Daley calendar as well, and a children's book...
0:28:19 > 0:28:22The Cat That Threw Up The August Bank Holiday.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27Actually, I'd read that book. I'll start writing it.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30The Dog Who Sweated St Swithin's Day.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32Finally...
0:28:32 > 0:28:34We should do this for hours!
0:28:34 > 0:28:36So, this is the news that, for the first time ever,
0:28:36 > 0:28:40the Queen's Christmas message will be broadcast in 3-D.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43According to The Express, Prince Andrew once said...
0:28:46 > 0:28:47Well, that's what she says.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50She's actually watching Harold And Kumar Get The Munchies.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53The Queen is known as the nation's favourite grandmother,
0:28:53 > 0:28:56largely because you only have to listen to her
0:28:56 > 0:28:58for ten minutes at Christmas.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:29:02 > 0:29:03BUZZER
0:29:03 > 0:29:06- RICHARD: Is it the monkey in IKEA? - It's not a monkey in IKEA.
0:29:06 > 0:29:0860 years since the smog that killed people...
0:29:08 > 0:29:10Well, certainly, people in London died.
0:29:10 > 0:29:12- I'd imagine elsewhere as well.- No.
0:29:12 > 0:29:16It's a very interesting story, but it's nothing to do with that at all.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19This is news that humming can solve crimes.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22Sherlock Hums?
0:29:22 > 0:29:24They do it with children all the time, don't they?
0:29:24 > 0:29:27They play a certain noise that children can hear and adults can't,
0:29:27 > 0:29:29so they don't hang around outside shops.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32It wasn't just humming, it was classical music.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34- It drove kids away...- Really?!
0:29:34 > 0:29:36If you play it in your shop, they don't go.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39- I expect you're on a loop. - Oh, Christ!
0:29:39 > 0:29:42It's actually the background noise on any sound recording
0:29:42 > 0:29:46has a unique fingerprint caused by nearby sources of electricity.
0:29:46 > 0:29:48This can be checked against...
0:29:50 > 0:29:52..which Richard kindly donated
0:29:52 > 0:29:56from audience reactions to jokes made on Pointless.
0:29:56 > 0:30:00Oh, dear. I wish that wasn't true.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02They can establish the authenticity of any recording
0:30:02 > 0:30:06and can work out the exact time and date that the recording was made.
0:30:06 > 0:30:10- So, would you like to hear a typical hum?- Yes.- Oh, yes.
0:30:10 > 0:30:13ELECTRONIC FEEDBACK BUZZES
0:30:18 > 0:30:20BUZZER RICHARD: It's 1984.
0:30:21 > 0:30:24What do the people behind the idea hope to do next?
0:30:24 > 0:30:27Sell it to somebody more gullible than they are!
0:30:27 > 0:30:30They hope to learn more about each hum.
0:30:30 > 0:30:32I think we're missing something essential in this story.
0:30:32 > 0:30:36MILES: The enjoyment factor.
0:30:36 > 0:30:38Can you imagine any way that you'd be able
0:30:38 > 0:30:40to fight the hum, beat the hum?
0:30:40 > 0:30:43Yeah, you'd hum yourself over it.
0:30:43 > 0:30:45I should imagine anything you did that was vocal,
0:30:45 > 0:30:48a human sound would be quite different from any sort of
0:30:48 > 0:30:49electronic sound.
0:30:49 > 0:30:50Hoover.
0:30:50 > 0:30:52If you're carrying out a burglary always Hoover.
0:30:54 > 0:30:57Hoover as you're going in cos they'll think you're the cleaner.
0:30:57 > 0:31:00According to Wikipedia an electrical hum can be
0:31:00 > 0:31:01cancelled using a technique called...
0:31:04 > 0:31:07What on earth that consists of, I have no idea.
0:31:07 > 0:31:11Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.
0:31:13 > 0:31:14BELL
0:31:14 > 0:31:17This monkey went to IKEA.
0:31:17 > 0:31:21Couldn't find anything, the staff were really unhelpful...
0:31:21 > 0:31:24He had a terrible time, he had to collect everything at the back...
0:31:24 > 0:31:27MILES: The pencils must have seemed massive to him, mustn't they?
0:31:27 > 0:31:30- He doesn't look happy, though. - RICHARD: Well, look at his coat!
0:31:30 > 0:31:32This was a monkey wearing a jacket,
0:31:32 > 0:31:36who wandered into a branch of IKEA in Toronto this week.
0:31:36 > 0:31:38Do you know what the monkey has been called?
0:31:38 > 0:31:40Barry Watson. No?
0:31:40 > 0:31:44- I think he's called Darwin, isn't he?- That's right.- Darwin?!
0:31:44 > 0:31:46Who did The Sun compare Darwin to?
0:31:46 > 0:31:49He looks like John Motson. Is it John Motson?
0:31:51 > 0:31:53- It was Liam Gallagher.- Oasis?
0:31:55 > 0:31:59I'm not sure who should be consulting their lawyers first.
0:32:00 > 0:32:02How did he get there?
0:32:02 > 0:32:04Well, his brother was in a band first of all...
0:32:06 > 0:32:08APPLAUSE
0:32:11 > 0:32:14- He was in the back of a car. - Yeah, he escaped.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17His owner is a lady called Yasmin Nakhuda,
0:32:17 > 0:32:20who is trying to get the monkey back as, according to her,
0:32:20 > 0:32:23she has mothered him for the past five months.
0:32:23 > 0:32:25They did everything together...
0:32:27 > 0:32:29I hope they didn't get up to any monkey business,
0:32:29 > 0:32:32as...that's how AIDS started.
0:32:34 > 0:32:36AUDIENCE GROANS
0:32:38 > 0:32:41- What a surprising turn the evening has taken!- Yeah.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46And finally, what did this man do to save the police a job?
0:32:49 > 0:32:51MILES: Oh, his genitals light up.
0:32:55 > 0:32:56- Alternately?- That's right.
0:32:56 > 0:32:59APPLAUSE
0:33:00 > 0:33:05Was he having a secret affair with a passenger in the back of the van?
0:33:05 > 0:33:08- And she's strapped to the roof inside.- No!
0:33:08 > 0:33:10And her husband's driving, and he doesn't have a rear-view mirror,
0:33:10 > 0:33:12so he doesn't know what's going on.
0:33:12 > 0:33:15"I'm just looking for the sweets, love."
0:33:17 > 0:33:20- Did he arrest this bloke? He stopped the car.- Yes, he stopped this car.
0:33:20 > 0:33:22Which was speeding? Which was burglaring?
0:33:22 > 0:33:25He spotted two thieves breaking into this van in Paris,
0:33:25 > 0:33:28and he ran after them and managed to jump on top of it.
0:33:28 > 0:33:30At a traffic light, he accosted one of the thieves,
0:33:30 > 0:33:31and the other one ran off.
0:33:31 > 0:33:35- And at what point did he lose his trousers?- Well, yes...
0:33:36 > 0:33:39Apparently he saw the thieves from his hotel room,
0:33:39 > 0:33:42so didn't have time to put his trousers on.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45Why would you wear trousers in a hotel?
0:33:45 > 0:33:48- You pay for the room, - BLEEPing- take them off!
0:33:48 > 0:33:52That's what the trouser press is there for. Use it! Use it!
0:33:52 > 0:33:56Time now for the Odd One Out Round. Your four are...
0:33:56 > 0:33:59Roger Daltrey, Mel Blanc,
0:33:59 > 0:34:01Michelle Obama, and Ed Balls.
0:34:01 > 0:34:04I think it must be something to do with stutters, stammers.
0:34:04 > 0:34:06Well, certainly Mel Blanc and Roger Daltrey
0:34:06 > 0:34:10pretended to have stutters for professional reasons.
0:34:10 > 0:34:12So, maybe Ed Balls pretended to have a stutter, but didn't,
0:34:12 > 0:34:15and the only one that really did was Michelle Obama, who's cured it.
0:34:15 > 0:34:18He's got a real stammer, Ed Balls, so he must be the odd one out.
0:34:18 > 0:34:20He's real, the others have all faked it.
0:34:20 > 0:34:23Yes, so they've all put on fake stammers, except Ed Balls
0:34:23 > 0:34:25who, last week, blamed his poor performance in the Commons
0:34:25 > 0:34:27- on his genuine stammer.- Ah!
0:34:27 > 0:34:29Mel Blanc put on a false stammer
0:34:29 > 0:34:32when he voiced the popular cartoon character Porky Pig.
0:34:32 > 0:34:34So, Paul, how did Porky Pig's stammer go?
0:34:34 > 0:34:37He would start, and then do a little bit of a stammer, but never...
0:34:37 > 0:34:39He would go... "P-p-p-p-p..." and then say the word.
0:34:39 > 0:34:42"P-p-p-p-p-pepperoni," things like that. Well, not pepperoni,
0:34:42 > 0:34:44because that would be a cousin of his.
0:34:46 > 0:34:48You know what I'm saying.
0:34:48 > 0:34:52- Did anyone see Ed Balls' appearance on the X Factor?- No!
0:34:52 > 0:34:54He wasn't actually there in person,
0:34:54 > 0:34:56but they did read out one of his tweets,
0:34:56 > 0:34:58in which he'd written...
0:35:05 > 0:35:09Did he then tweet, "Wow, my tweet was just read out on the X Factor?"
0:35:09 > 0:35:11He tweeted Nicole Sherzinger to say...
0:35:16 > 0:35:17AUDIENCE GROANS
0:35:17 > 0:35:19Ed.
0:35:19 > 0:35:23- Do you think you could concentrate on the- BLEEP- economy? Thanks.
0:35:23 > 0:35:25- Or- BLEEP- the economy!- Yeah!
0:35:27 > 0:35:29Wasn't there a story about David Cameron this week,
0:35:29 > 0:35:31talking about his daughter?
0:35:31 > 0:35:33She was very keen that he should vote for Will Young
0:35:33 > 0:35:35in the first of the Britain's Got Talent shows.
0:35:35 > 0:35:37He got the wrong... I think he was on X Factor...
0:35:37 > 0:35:38He said it was the X Factor.
0:35:38 > 0:35:40That was Pop Idol! That was donkey's years ago.
0:35:40 > 0:35:42- Well, those shows are very similar, but...- What?!
0:35:42 > 0:35:46- Well, Pop Idol...- Very different. Very different.- Are they?
0:35:48 > 0:35:49I just see a bunch of people
0:35:49 > 0:35:52mercilessly exploited by the music business...
0:35:52 > 0:35:55Oh, that bit's the same.
0:35:55 > 0:35:57No, but wasn't it before she was born?
0:35:57 > 0:35:59Two years before she was born, I think.
0:35:59 > 0:36:02- Pop Idol was in 2002, with Will and Gareth.- Good knowledge.
0:36:02 > 0:36:05RICHARD: Big shock when Will beat Gareth. Big surprise.
0:36:05 > 0:36:07Ed Balls tweeted, "Just totes amaze."
0:36:11 > 0:36:13RICHARD: What is the song of 2012?
0:36:13 > 0:36:14Oh, crikey, I don't know.
0:36:14 > 0:36:17- So it could be Call Me Maybe. - It's definitely not Call Me Maybe.
0:36:17 > 0:36:19Oh, it's the One Pound Fish Song.
0:36:19 > 0:36:21- The One Pound Fish Song? - A FEW PEOPLE LAUGH
0:36:21 > 0:36:23A couple of you.
0:36:23 > 0:36:25- It's really funny, isn't it? - Do you want to hear it?
0:36:25 > 0:36:27Yes! I'd love to hear it! I love this song.
0:36:27 > 0:36:30# Have a, have a look, one pound fish
0:36:30 > 0:36:32# Have a, have a look, one pound fish
0:36:32 > 0:36:34# Very, very good, one pound fish
0:36:34 > 0:36:36# Very, very cheap, one pound fish
0:36:36 > 0:36:39# Six for a fiver, one pound each
0:36:39 > 0:36:43# Come on, ladies, come on, ladies, to the fish, one pound each
0:36:43 > 0:36:47# One pound each, one pound each. #
0:36:47 > 0:36:48That's awesome.
0:36:48 > 0:36:51APPLAUSE
0:36:52 > 0:36:56Right, I tell you what, Seal has aged badly, hasn't he?
0:36:57 > 0:36:59I think that's what he's selling!
0:36:59 > 0:37:03So, yes, they have all put on fake stammers except Ed Balls,
0:37:03 > 0:37:05who has a genuine one.
0:37:05 > 0:37:08Roger Daltrey stuttered on the song My Generation.
0:37:08 > 0:37:10According to a history of The Who...
0:37:17 > 0:37:19Showing the kind of moral vigilance
0:37:19 > 0:37:21that served Top Of The Pops so well in the '70s.
0:37:23 > 0:37:25APPLAUSE
0:37:27 > 0:37:29Time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:37:29 > 0:37:32which this week features as its guest publication
0:37:32 > 0:37:34the Leveson Inquiry Report.
0:37:35 > 0:37:36It's a cracking read!
0:37:36 > 0:37:39I won't give away what happens in the end,
0:37:39 > 0:37:41but I'm guessing bugger all.
0:37:41 > 0:37:42And we start with...
0:37:46 > 0:37:48Lord Sugar suffered from diabetes.
0:37:51 > 0:37:52It's actually...
0:37:54 > 0:37:56Next...
0:37:58 > 0:38:01..run News International.
0:38:01 > 0:38:03MILES: ..organise a piss-up in a brewery.
0:38:07 > 0:38:08..get his car pregnant.
0:38:12 > 0:38:13It's actually...
0:38:16 > 0:38:18Oh, yes!
0:38:18 > 0:38:20Here he is, we've got a picture of him.
0:38:22 > 0:38:25He answered the iron, thinking it was a phone.
0:38:25 > 0:38:28Yeah, he thought it was a phone. Next...
0:38:34 > 0:38:37MILES: One way to avoid flooding and three ways to kill time.
0:38:40 > 0:38:41Live to be 100.
0:38:41 > 0:38:43- Oh, no!- Yes!
0:38:43 > 0:38:46Yes, it is. 50 ways to live to 100.
0:38:46 > 0:38:48This is from The Daily Mail,
0:38:48 > 0:38:52who say that another thing that keeps men alive is frequent orgasm.
0:38:52 > 0:38:55Bad news. Those wankers at the Mail are going to live forever.
0:38:57 > 0:38:59Next...
0:39:01 > 0:39:04RICHARD: Is it, "Yah booh, you're a wonderful Vietnamese cleaner,
0:39:04 > 0:39:06"but I'm going to have to let you go?"
0:39:08 > 0:39:10APPLAUSE
0:39:12 > 0:39:14RICHARD: Is it, "You're a politician?"
0:39:14 > 0:39:16It is. That is exactly right.
0:39:16 > 0:39:17Next...
0:39:19 > 0:39:21MILES: ..voucher for complimentary spa break.
0:39:23 > 0:39:26RICHARD: Is it a photograph of himself holding a carrot?
0:39:28 > 0:39:31Dirty devil! "Sends a donkey an ill-fitting dress."
0:39:31 > 0:39:33More surreal than that.
0:39:33 > 0:39:35A fitting dress, a well-fitting dress!
0:39:42 > 0:39:46Now, if you're just going to pick words out of a dictionary...!
0:39:46 > 0:39:50This is the story that the world tennis number one Novak Djokovic
0:39:50 > 0:39:55has bought up all of the world's supply of donkey cheese.
0:39:55 > 0:39:58Make of that what you will.
0:39:58 > 0:40:00I would make, maybe, a souffle...
0:40:00 > 0:40:02APPLAUSE
0:40:02 > 0:40:04It would be a big souffle!
0:40:06 > 0:40:08So, the final scores are...
0:40:08 > 0:40:12Paul and Miles have five, whilst Ian and Richard have nine!
0:40:12 > 0:40:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:40:19 > 0:40:23But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:40:23 > 0:40:26Paul and Miles have this...
0:40:26 > 0:40:28RICHARD: I'm sure he was here earlier.
0:40:34 > 0:40:38While tiptoeing on lady's shoulders, dog excretes man.
0:40:40 > 0:40:42- Ian and Richard, you get this one. - Oh, yes.
0:40:42 > 0:40:45MILES: Is it, "Excessive use of Viagra
0:40:45 > 0:40:47"renders press-ups almost impossible?"
0:40:49 > 0:40:52On which note, we say thank you to our panellists
0:40:52 > 0:40:55Ian Hislop and Richard Osman, Paul Merton and Miles Jupp,
0:40:55 > 0:40:57and I leave you with news that in East London,
0:40:57 > 0:41:01children are distracted whilst their primary school is closed down...
0:41:07 > 0:41:10..in London, staff at HM Revenue and Customs
0:41:10 > 0:41:13prepare an updated tax bill for Starbucks...
0:41:17 > 0:41:19..and Channel 4 announce that the format
0:41:19 > 0:41:23for Alan Carr's Chatty Man has been sold to Chinese television.
0:41:27 > 0:41:29Good night.