0:00:02 > 0:00:04Hello. I'm the token blonde.
0:00:04 > 0:00:06My name is Reginald, king of the blacks.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11And I'm Ray Winstone, and I'm the king of the blacks.
0:00:13 > 0:00:17Looking like a former hit man that's lecturing over at Oxford now.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Good evening.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00I'm Ray Winstone.
0:01:00 > 0:01:05In the news this week, at the beginning of a long sea voyage,
0:01:05 > 0:01:06the crew of a fishing trawler
0:01:06 > 0:01:10discover the television is stuck on ITV2.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Kim Jong Un...
0:01:19 > 0:01:21LAUGHTER
0:01:21 > 0:01:24It's easy for you to say.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27..informs the West that his signal to launch the nuclear strike
0:01:27 > 0:01:30will be delivered by their lightning-fast,
0:01:30 > 0:01:32high-tech communication methods.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40And in Tokyo, after three days,
0:01:40 > 0:01:43representatives from the Guinness Book of Records
0:01:43 > 0:01:46stand by to present the award for the world's longest yawn.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57On Ian's team tonight is a Sunday Times journalist
0:01:57 > 0:02:01who recently won an award for Hatchet Job of the Year -
0:02:01 > 0:02:04an award previously won by an East End acquaintance of mine,
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Dickie "the Axe-Man" Wilson.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Please welcome Camilla Long.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12APPLAUSE
0:02:16 > 0:02:20And with Paul tonight is a comedian who recently said that
0:02:20 > 0:02:23television mainly serves the talentless.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27Welcome back, for the 11th time, Reginald D Hunter.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29APPLAUSE
0:02:31 > 0:02:34We start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Ian and Camilla, take a look at this.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40- That's the White Heather Club. - Dancing, socks.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44- Osborne. No idea what that is. - Tiny Tears, that's what it is.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47- Oh, more Scottish dancing. - More dancing.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49- You're talking about dancing a lot, aren't you?- Yes.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Yeah, I'm sorry, we'll get on with it.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56If they go independent, the Chancellor has said to them,
0:02:56 > 0:02:59"Well, you can't have the pound."
0:02:59 > 0:03:02And Alex Salmond, who will be in charge of Scotland...
0:03:02 > 0:03:04his title isn't clear yet, it may be King.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Last year he was really keen on having the euro
0:03:09 > 0:03:10but then something happened.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Do you think they'll give the opportunity for an alternative
0:03:14 > 0:03:17currency that none of us have ever heard of?
0:03:17 > 0:03:18- Yes. The Mars Bar.- Yes.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21So what do the Scots want?
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Well, we don't know yet, we haven't asked them on the referendum.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Hold on a minute.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28They want independence as a nation...
0:03:28 > 0:03:31If I give the wrong answer, do you get out the pliers?
0:03:32 > 0:03:36They've given a wish list of what they want. They want the Queen.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38They want the pound.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41They want to stay in NATO, they want to stay in the EU.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44It sounds like a pre-nup, doesn't it?
0:03:44 > 0:03:45But it's meant to be a divorce!
0:03:45 > 0:03:48I'm pretty pro-union so I see it as a joint enterprise,
0:03:48 > 0:03:50like a long marriage...
0:03:50 > 0:03:51about 300 years.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54No, it's a long argument in the kitchen, is what it is, to be fair.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57And who's won?
0:03:57 > 0:04:01Well, it's usually the bird, innit?
0:04:01 > 0:04:02< Yes.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04All right.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Why is George Osborne saying they can't have it?
0:04:09 > 0:04:12It's basically saying... it's a bit of a threat.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14It's saying, "Vote no and you'll be all right."
0:04:14 > 0:04:16So if Scotland becomes a separate country,
0:04:16 > 0:04:19he doesn't want the Scottish economy to drag us all down with it.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23But, to be fair, Scotland's economy does have its strengths -
0:04:23 > 0:04:26their chief exports being oil, whisky, tartan, and tramps.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Sometimes combined in one glorious package.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35One for the audience -
0:04:35 > 0:04:39should we all be happy to let the Scots keep the pound or should
0:04:39 > 0:04:41we just tell them to bugger off?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Hands up who says bugger off.
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Oh, no!
0:04:48 > 0:04:51What did Scotland do well at this week?
0:04:54 > 0:04:56LAUGHTER
0:04:58 > 0:04:59Was it dancing?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02They did well at tweed, I think, this week.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04It's all over you!
0:05:07 > 0:05:09A survey to find the happiest place in Britain
0:05:09 > 0:05:13revealed that top of the list was the Orkneys and Shetland.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Oh, so they're happy.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18That's what the survey said, whatever you think.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Ian, have you ever been grabbed by the Orkneys?
0:05:24 > 0:05:26I'm just imagining it. It's a threat, isn't it?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29So what's the latest economic news, then?
0:05:29 > 0:05:33We nearly went into recession, but we didn't. So George Osborne says,
0:05:33 > 0:05:38"That's fine. We've got enormous growth of about 0.3%."
0:05:38 > 0:05:39It's bang on, yeah.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- Which is four-fifths of- BLEEP- all.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47APPLAUSE
0:05:47 > 0:05:49That's exactly right.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51What have we narrowly escaped?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Is it a Martian death ray?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- A triple-dip recession. - Right.- Right?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00So what's so bad about that?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02If you've got a series of dips, it's better to have two,
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- rather than three.- Right.
0:06:05 > 0:06:11Guacamole, hummus, no. Don't do the third. No-one likes it.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15On learning that we avoided a triple dip, Sky News went straight
0:06:15 > 0:06:20to their most serious-looking economic expert for a reaction.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26We're still apparently 1.2 trillion in debt
0:06:26 > 0:06:30and if we pay it back at this rate, how long will it take to clear it?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32It depends if we go to Wonga or not.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37400 years.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41So it's not really our problem, is it?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Despite all of this, loads of Bulgarians
0:06:47 > 0:06:50want to come here and live. But do you know why?
0:06:50 > 0:06:53- To meet Nigel Farage?- Have a look.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Mainly because of Top Gear,
0:06:55 > 0:06:56I'm not sure,
0:06:56 > 0:06:57because it's, you know,
0:06:57 > 0:07:01it's a great passion for me and I really, really like the presenters.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06But I thought Farage went to Bulgaria.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10Farage went to Bulgaria, Cameron's followed him to see
0:07:10 > 0:07:12how people would respond to him
0:07:12 > 0:07:18and almost every Bulgarian said... "Do you want to come to England?"
0:07:18 > 0:07:21They said, "No, no, not at all, no, I don't want to."
0:07:21 > 0:07:23REGINALD: That was a very impressive
0:07:23 > 0:07:26facsimile you did of Bulgarians.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Yes, I've been practising.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32As I'm American, there's no subtext to my compliment. I meant it.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40So, what are hospitals thinking of doing to save money?
0:07:40 > 0:07:41Opening.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43- Closing.- Yeah.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Treat them? I don't know.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48That's the question, I need the answer, don't I?
0:07:50 > 0:07:52This is where it gets quite scary.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Yes, I know, I'm a bit frightened already.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- Don't you read the paper?- Uh, yes.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59I write bits of it.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03Turfing out old people who are only slightly ill,
0:08:03 > 0:08:05and putting them into hotels.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Yes, it's halfway between a nursing home and a hospital.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Apparently it costs 300 quid to spend the night in hospital
0:08:10 > 0:08:13and only 65 quid in the Premier Inn.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17This has been tried in several foreign countries
0:08:17 > 0:08:19and according to the Health Minister, Earl Howe...
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Well, I'm ready when she is.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32Right, staying with the NHS, what do they want to regulate more closely?
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- Nurses.- No.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37They do, you know.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41Getting more near like what we do with how we look, you know?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- Plastic surgery.- Ah, see, babe, you're on the right track.
0:08:44 > 0:08:45Thanks, "babe".
0:08:48 > 0:08:50You sexy old Father Time.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56APPLAUSE
0:08:56 > 0:08:58I think the rest of us should just leave discreetly.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04Unlike my comment, their comments are full of subtext.
0:09:05 > 0:09:10Well, according to the NHS, Medical Director Sir Bruce Keogh...
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Are those two of the objects you can have put into your buttocks?
0:09:31 > 0:09:34What have Ed Balls and Ed Miliband been 'inting at?
0:09:34 > 0:09:36- "Been..."?- Been hinting at?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38LAUGHTER
0:09:40 > 0:09:42- What have they been hinting at? - Don't know.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44So posh.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46You're wearing a suit.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48I can afford it.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51APPLAUSE
0:09:51 > 0:09:53That's cos you don't pay any tax.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55AUDIENCE OOHS
0:09:57 > 0:10:01That's why he's dressed up, he was in court this morning.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Plea bargaining.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- Give us a clue.- No.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- I am now sulking.- CAMILLA: Why?
0:10:10 > 0:10:12No, I'm going to tell you.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15They've been leaking and then denying that Labour will crank up
0:10:15 > 0:10:18- public spending if they get elected. - Ah, right.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Ed Balls refused to comment on the spending plans, saying:
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Up shit creek.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30Telling everyone right now that they are going to boost public spending
0:10:30 > 0:10:34is a big gamble, so what are they waiting for?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Bet in play...NOW.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39What is the betting thing?
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Have you done something with betting, Ray?
0:10:42 > 0:10:43- You haven't seen them?- No.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- It's in the middle of football matches.- Yes, no. Uggh!
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Now, to put the tin hat on everything,
0:10:52 > 0:10:56what has the terrible weather we've had done to my breakfast?
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Is that another Cockney saying?
0:10:59 > 0:11:02"What has the weather done to me breakfast?"
0:11:02 > 0:11:04I'm going to take that back to Georgia
0:11:04 > 0:11:05and shock the hell out of them.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10This is about Weetabix, Ray.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12There'd been a very bad harvest because of the terrible weather,
0:11:12 > 0:11:14there hasn't been enough wheat,
0:11:14 > 0:11:16there isn't enough Weetabix,
0:11:16 > 0:11:19so they've restricted it and you haven't got any.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20Yeah.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22It's only going to posh people.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Congratulations, Ian.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27I had six.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31What a bastard.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33What have the cereal manufacturers
0:11:33 > 0:11:36HapiFoods called their latest cereal?
0:11:36 > 0:11:39- Miserable.- Nah.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Well, here's the ad for it.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45Brian and Corin Mullins invented a breakfast of champions.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48In 2009, the couple launched Holy Crap cereal
0:11:48 > 0:11:51as a healthy breakfast alternative.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55At what point are you meant to shout, "Holy crap"?
0:11:55 > 0:11:58When it arrives on the table? When you eat it? When you...?
0:11:58 > 0:11:59REGINALD: I think much later.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05APPLAUSE
0:12:05 > 0:12:09This is the row as to whether the independent Scotland
0:12:09 > 0:12:12would be able to use the pound as its currency.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Alex Salmond has called for the creation of a...
0:12:17 > 0:12:20..which sounds good but the way the economy's going,
0:12:20 > 0:12:23I think we'll be calling it Poundland.
0:12:25 > 0:12:30Meanwhile, the Sun interviewed an economist in the ING Bank
0:12:30 > 0:12:32who said that, following the much-better-than-expected
0:12:32 > 0:12:360.3% increase in GDP...
0:12:41 > 0:12:42A moment's fine...
0:12:42 > 0:12:45but a lifetime's taking the piss.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46APPLAUSE
0:12:50 > 0:12:54- Paul and Reg.- Yeah.- Yes, sir.- Yeah, about time, eh?- Yeah, absolutely.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56- Take a look at this.- Right-o.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Right, I'll put some pressure on you all now.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01- Empty street, nothing happening. A house.- Sleepy neighbourhood.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05- Sleepy...man on bike.- Yeah, it's a big high point of the day.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Er, policeman dressed in 1940s fashion.
0:13:07 > 0:13:12Yeah, Britain before immigration. Aw, things was lovely.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15You're the only person here that can say that, you know.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Anybody here can say it, they just have to be willing
0:13:17 > 0:13:19to deal with the consequences.
0:13:19 > 0:13:20Yes.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26Judging by looking at this footage of things that aren't happening,
0:13:26 > 0:13:29and the policeman at the end is probably the clue,
0:13:29 > 0:13:32- is it about falling crime rates? - Ah, you are good, Paul.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33You're much better than him.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Yeah, this is the news that rates of violent crime
0:13:37 > 0:13:41and murder are falling rapidly, apart from in my films.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44According to the UK Peace Index,
0:13:44 > 0:13:48- well, it's fallen by 25% in the past ten years.- That's pretty good.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51The number of police officers dropped by 6%.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- Do you think there's a link? - Well, there might be.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58But it still leaves 19% unaccounted for.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Well, it might be that, um, the recession is affecting everybody.
0:14:01 > 0:14:02Back home, my cousin,
0:14:02 > 0:14:06he got robbed by a man with a bullet...cos he didn't have a gun.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08He was like going...
0:14:09 > 0:14:12.."Don't make me throw this at you."
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Everybody's feeling the pinch, you know.
0:14:16 > 0:14:17Everybody gotta cut back.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Well, yeah...
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Did the man throw the bullet in the end
0:14:24 > 0:14:26- or was it a bluff?- It was a bluff.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28As it turned out, he had no training
0:14:28 > 0:14:30in throwing bullets and killing people.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36According to UK Peace Index, what is the most peaceful part of Britain?
0:14:36 > 0:14:39- It's Norfolk.- It's Norfolk.- Yeah.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43- And funny enough, it's...it's...er, Brawland.- Where?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Bro...eh, Brooklyn...Broland.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49- How do you say that? - AUDIENCE MEMBER: Broadland.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50Broadland, ah!
0:14:50 > 0:14:54Just eight violent crimes were recorded in 2012, right?
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Here's one of the top stories this week in their local newspaper...
0:15:01 > 0:15:03..and here's the shocking scene...
0:15:07 > 0:15:11At one point, the waves were crashing into the vehicle
0:15:11 > 0:15:13up to a height of six inches.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14LAUGHTER
0:15:14 > 0:15:19Why does Tory county councillor John Cherry fear a rise in crime?
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Because ethnic minority children are being bussed down to Swanage
0:15:22 > 0:15:24- or somewhere where he lives... - Sussex.
0:15:24 > 0:15:29Sussex. ..and he has objected to this in the strongest possible terms
0:15:29 > 0:15:32and not very friendly terms, I think.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33Is he also worried
0:15:33 > 0:15:36because somebody's recently stuck a bridge through his head?
0:15:36 > 0:15:37LAUGHTER
0:15:38 > 0:15:41He's too proud to admit it but he has to go there every rush hour
0:15:41 > 0:15:44and stand there for half an hour. He's too proud to admit it.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48The inner city school in Stockwell, London, plans to open its own
0:15:48 > 0:15:50boarding school in a posh part of West Sussex
0:15:50 > 0:15:52and send 600 of its pupils there.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54John Cherry told the Mail on Sunday...
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Clearly unsure whether the hole he'd dug himself into
0:16:09 > 0:16:11was deep enough, he added:
0:16:22 > 0:16:25John Cherry is no longer a member
0:16:25 > 0:16:29of the Conservative Party - although he is still a councillor...
0:16:29 > 0:16:31and a prat.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33APPLAUSE
0:16:36 > 0:16:39A quick spot-the-difference question for you all.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42What is the difference between this, and this?
0:16:44 > 0:16:48That is the more modern, more scenic entrance into Scotland Yard.
0:16:48 > 0:16:53The other picture is the uglier, old Britain, pre-Thatcher entrance,
0:16:53 > 0:16:55and people don't care about it as much
0:16:55 > 0:16:57because it ain't as shiny and nice.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- No.- I'm not used to subtext, but I do feel dismissed.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10- You know what the difference is? - Tell me what the difference is.
0:17:11 > 0:17:16Which was the cost of moving the Scotland Yard sign 15 yards.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20Finally, shall we see how commuters on the tube are relaxing,
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- now that they don't have to be worried about violent crime?- Yeah.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25They're holding folded newspapers up
0:17:25 > 0:17:28to make fellow travellers look like personalities.
0:17:28 > 0:17:29Let's see some of their efforts.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32There's Kate Middleton.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35The Queen.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37And Jimmy Carr.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42On second thoughts, that might actually be Jimmy Carr,
0:17:42 > 0:17:45trying to claim back tax on some women's clothing.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- That's a dangerous joke, isn't it? - Not for me, no.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54This is a study which shows that violent crime has fallen
0:17:54 > 0:17:56throughout the UK.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Sexual crime has also fallen,
0:17:58 > 0:18:01although that's largely due to Top Of The Pops being cancelled.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Meanwhile, the legal battle over Abu Qatada continues.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Shadow Home Secretary Yvette Cooper
0:18:13 > 0:18:16mocked the Government's failing, saying...
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Something everyone would like to see,
0:18:22 > 0:18:25except perhaps the other passengers.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32Also this week, conman Jimmy McCormick faces jail,
0:18:32 > 0:18:34having amassed a £60 million fortune
0:18:34 > 0:18:37selling golf ball finders as bomb detectors.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41Mr McCormick told buyers that his device could detect:
0:18:47 > 0:18:50In other words, everything except bullshit.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54- And they've been using them in Iraq.- Yes.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- And they didn't check.- They went out
0:18:56 > 0:18:58and found loads of golf balls, and they were like...
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Right, round two's coming up.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04How's that going to pan out?
0:19:04 > 0:19:07The latest odds are on your screen now.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10You're not encouraging the audience to bet, are you?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15This next round is the strengthometer of news.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19Fingers on the buzzers, team - here's the first one.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25They want to send a married couple to Mars.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28- Not necessarily a married couple. - Two randoms.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30- What's randoms?- Two random people.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- Two random people? That'd be exciting, wouldn't it?- Yeah.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35REGINALD: Yeah, that'd be all right.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37We should put the UN up there.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39"You do not get to come back to Earth
0:19:39 > 0:19:41"till you come back with a resolution,
0:19:41 > 0:19:43"one that the United States agrees to, as well."
0:19:45 > 0:19:49This is Mars One, a Dutch TV company's plan
0:19:49 > 0:19:53to put reality TV contestants on a one-way trip to Mars.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57What are they going to do up there for the rest of their lives?
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Coming up with a reality TV show
0:19:59 > 0:20:02where two people from Mars are flown back to Earth.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04I don't know. What are they going to do up there?
0:20:04 > 0:20:07They're not going to do anything. They're just going to die.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09They are going to die.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12They're going to establish a colony.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15According to the Sun, contestants will live in:
0:20:20 > 0:20:23"Day 26. Benny's muscles have wasted away."
0:20:25 > 0:20:27That was my attempt at a Geordie accent.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29I thought you were doing Birmingham.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31I was, but I can't do the Geordie one.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33- You didn't go up far enough. - It's a difficult one.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- Can you do a Geordie accent? - It's all vowel sounds, isn't it?
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- GEORDIE ACCENT:- "Mickey Mouse and Pluto," it's easy.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43GEORDIE ACCENT: "We've moved to day four of the show."
0:20:43 > 0:20:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:47 > 0:20:50It's like being with Ant and Dec! I'm just...
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- Ant and Dec?- ..thrilled!
0:20:54 > 0:20:57I might look crazy, but I listen to white people a lot.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02How much money is needed to send people on a one-way trip to Mars?
0:21:02 > 0:21:04£56 million.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06More than that?
0:21:06 > 0:21:07Well, it's:
0:21:09 > 0:21:12A return trip would cost:
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Though Southeastern Trains said they'll do the return
0:21:16 > 0:21:18for only one pound more than the single.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23It's going to be like Total Recall, when they give them a pill
0:21:23 > 0:21:26- and they pretend to go somewhere. - I like your imagination, fantastic.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30No, it's...well, it's not what happened, it's a film.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Ray, do you know anything about films?
0:21:32 > 0:21:37If you'd seen any of my films, you'd know, no.
0:21:39 > 0:21:4110,000 people have already applied
0:21:41 > 0:21:43to go on the one-way trip to Mars.
0:21:43 > 0:21:48Theresa May has already applied on behalf of Abu Qatada.
0:21:50 > 0:21:56Fingers on the buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.
0:21:56 > 0:21:57BUZZER
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Oh, yes, this is...a rather unfortunate graphic
0:22:00 > 0:22:03that has turned Lord Leveson's head into an arse.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07These are people who are in a relationship with each other,
0:22:07 > 0:22:09but they both love his ass,
0:22:09 > 0:22:11but they don't think the other person knows it.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16This is David Sherborne - he was acting for most of the celebrities -
0:22:16 > 0:22:20- and her name is...? - Carine Patry Hoskins.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Thank you. Who was acting for the inquiry -
0:22:23 > 0:22:25she was assisting Lord Leveson.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27And...the feeling is that there was a sort of
0:22:27 > 0:22:32perceived conflict of interest when someone acting for one party is...
0:22:32 > 0:22:34is in a relationship with the other.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36But they rather confused things by saying they weren't
0:22:36 > 0:22:41in a relationship, they'd gone to the Greek island of Santorini...
0:22:41 > 0:22:42together, secretly,
0:22:42 > 0:22:47to discuss whether they should have a relationship!
0:22:47 > 0:22:48Were they drawn to each other
0:22:48 > 0:22:50because their heads don't fit properly on their bodies?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Let's get a helium balloon, in the shape of Lord Leveson,
0:22:54 > 0:22:55and just have him...
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Lord Leveson, a lot of people don't know it, but in his spare time,
0:23:00 > 0:23:02he's a villain, sort of a puppet master,
0:23:02 > 0:23:04and he goes by the name Asshead.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09- He goes by the name of Arsehead? - Yeah, Asshead.- Oh, Asshead.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Anyway, Asshead is controlling their mind
0:23:11 > 0:23:14when they snap two together and realise, "Oh, my God!
0:23:14 > 0:23:15"We're sitting here sipping champagne,
0:23:15 > 0:23:18"and we shouldn't be doing this. Why are we doing this?"
0:23:18 > 0:23:21And he's like "Ha! My powers are unstoppable."
0:23:23 > 0:23:26She became very famous during the Leveson trial,
0:23:26 > 0:23:30known as "the woman on the left", because she sat on the left.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33She sort of facially fell in love with Hugh Grant, didn't she,
0:23:33 > 0:23:36- because she wouldn't stop staring at him?- Look of love.- It was.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39How do they know the difference between a look of love
0:23:39 > 0:23:41and a lawyer listening to somebody give evidence?
0:23:41 > 0:23:43The look of love is easy to detect.
0:23:43 > 0:23:44The look of love looks something like...
0:23:49 > 0:23:52That's more than love.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55- I hope there's dinner as well.- Yeah.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59The question is - how do you manage to go to Santorini and NOT have sex?
0:23:59 > 0:24:02I mean, it's a complete pants-off place.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04- Have you been?- I've been...alone.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- Would you like to talk us through it?- No.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15Actually, it's a Greek island, it's shagadelic, you know.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17You wouldn't ever go there for a meeting.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20That's such an imperial attitude. A lot of people seem to feel,
0:24:20 > 0:24:23if they really want to have the kind of sex that they want to have,
0:24:23 > 0:24:26they have to leave the country - like they go to Spain, or somewhere.
0:24:26 > 0:24:27British people do that a lot.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30It's like, "Oh, my God, I don't want people to know I enjoy sex,
0:24:30 > 0:24:32"so I'm going to go to Thailand," or...
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- "I've got an erection, get me to the airport."- Yeah.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44- So...- Oh, yeah. I forgot you were here.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47You was doing so well.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49- There's nothing on there, Steve. - What?
0:24:49 > 0:24:50The Autocue's not on.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Just go to the last question on the cards, Ray, >
0:24:52 > 0:24:54then we'll just cut out this. >
0:24:54 > 0:24:59- Sounds like he's losing his patience with you.- What cards? Right there?
0:24:59 > 0:25:02- STEVE: Last one.- "Meanwhile"?
0:25:02 > 0:25:04- Meanwhile.- OK.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07- Next time he takes that tone, slap that man!- OK.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15This is the controversy over the relationship
0:25:15 > 0:25:18between two barristers involved in the Leveson Inquiry.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21The two lawyers involved were the junior counsel for Leveson
0:25:21 > 0:25:24and the barrister who acted for Hugh Grant.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25Well, somebody's got to.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Fingers on the buzzers, team.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35There is a brilliant poodle that makes dresses
0:25:35 > 0:25:37but it can only stick with one pattern.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38And it's made...
0:25:40 > 0:25:43It's made a dress for her and it's made the shirt for him.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Yeah, what do you think about that?
0:25:45 > 0:25:47I know what I think about it and I said it!
0:25:47 > 0:25:49- I think it's a better answer. - Oh, OK.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53This is the news that married couple Nancy and Donald Featherstone
0:25:53 > 0:25:56wore matching clothes for 35 years.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Here they are on holiday.
0:25:58 > 0:25:59AUDIENCE GROANS
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Is that Santorini?
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Now, what is Donald's claim to fame? Apart from this, obviously.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09- He used to wear other clothes. - He invented something.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12He invented something, did he? Not Post-it notes or anything like that?
0:26:12 > 0:26:16No, it's something you might see round a lake or something like that.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18An ocean gnome?
0:26:18 > 0:26:20CAMILLA: Is the answer to any given question.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26- You know, like, a garden gnome? - Yeah, I know a garden gnome.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30Well, people who have a beachfront property or a lakefront property,
0:26:30 > 0:26:32they have what they call an ocean gnome,
0:26:32 > 0:26:35where instead of being green, or black,
0:26:35 > 0:26:38this one here is just blue, fat and happy.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40So I thought maybe he invented the ocean gnome.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42A lot of people don't know about the ocean gnome.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45No. Even less now than when you started.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48The biggest ocean gnome of all is the Statue of Liberty.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53- Hey.- Just put there, next to the ocean.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56- Hey.- He's taking you seriously. - You're talking about America now.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00- You see them in Africa.- A flamingo!
0:27:00 > 0:27:02He invented flamingos?
0:27:04 > 0:27:07- Here are the couple with the ornaments.- Ah.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09He looks like he's been run over.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13- He's got a tyre mark right across his...- Yeah.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17I have a feeling that this is her idea.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Right, fingers on the buzzers, teams.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28BELL
0:27:28 > 0:27:30- This is our special subject.- Right.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33JLS have stopped having their sofa sale.
0:27:36 > 0:27:40This is the news, the awful front page of the Sun news,
0:27:40 > 0:27:41that JLS are dead.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Don't worry, they're not actually dead.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50They've just announced that they'll be splitting up. Hooray!
0:27:50 > 0:27:54After a huge arena tour and a farewell album. Boo!
0:27:56 > 0:27:58- What do they sing, Ray? - I have no idea.
0:27:58 > 0:28:03- I like The Jam and all that stuff. Clash.- Punk.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06- Are they a punk band? - No, punk is more your thing.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08I'm kind of rock 'n' roll and all that.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10No, I just wanted to say "punk" to you.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17- It sounds like a soccer league, JLS. - What does it stand for, JLS?
0:28:17 > 0:28:20- I have no idea, Paul. - Jamaican League Soccer.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24According to Marvin, he's one of the band:
0:28:31 > 0:28:34It's a bit of a stupid name to choose, then, isn't it?
0:28:35 > 0:28:38According to the Telegraph last year:
0:28:40 > 0:28:43Hold up. I think you'll find all the members of Busted
0:28:43 > 0:28:45are stacking shelves at B&Q.
0:28:47 > 0:28:51In other pop news, German quarantine laws have forced Justin Bieber
0:28:51 > 0:28:53to leave his pet monkey behind.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55I know how painful it is to lose a monkey.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57I bet on Barcelona to beat Bayern Munich.
0:28:59 > 0:29:02Time now for the Odd One Out Round.
0:29:02 > 0:29:07Paul and Reg, your four are Luis Suarez,
0:29:07 > 0:29:10the West Midlands police officer, Mark Thompson,
0:29:10 > 0:29:11and Peach the Alsatian.
0:29:11 > 0:29:14Well, Suarez, of course, is in the news...
0:29:14 > 0:29:17he bit a Chelsea player on the arm last week during a match at Anfield.
0:29:17 > 0:29:20Mark Thompson used to be Director General of the BBC -
0:29:20 > 0:29:21he once bit somebody else on the arm,
0:29:21 > 0:29:24I think, during a journalistic argument somewhere.
0:29:24 > 0:29:26I don't know about the policeman, or the dog,
0:29:26 > 0:29:27but I'd guess the dog's odd one out
0:29:27 > 0:29:29- because it doesn't bite any people, it's got no teeth.- No.
0:29:29 > 0:29:30I give up, then.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32They've all bitten someone apart
0:29:32 > 0:29:35- from the West Midlands police officer...- Who was bitten.
0:29:35 > 0:29:38Yeah, he was bitten by a flea in a police station.
0:29:38 > 0:29:41Was the flea helping police with enquiries at the time?
0:29:42 > 0:29:45It turned out this week that a lot of policemen are suing
0:29:45 > 0:29:48- their employers for what we would consider minor infringements.- Yes.
0:29:48 > 0:29:52This bloke was bitten by a flea and he sued his own police authority.
0:29:52 > 0:29:57Yeah, he sued West Midlands Police and received an £8,000 payout.
0:29:57 > 0:30:00- What other payments have been revealed?- I've missed it.
0:30:00 > 0:30:04There was a payout for £600 to an employee:
0:30:10 > 0:30:14They were just so astonished to hear about the shocking flea attack.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16- So, Luis Suarez.- Yeah.
0:30:16 > 0:30:18Now, we're not allowed to show you the footage -
0:30:18 > 0:30:20here's an artist's representation.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25I mean, what was the general reaction?
0:30:25 > 0:30:28Well, I was delighted because I bet on it.
0:30:29 > 0:30:31I put 100 monkeys...
0:30:34 > 0:30:37So the general reaction, then, was anger and disgust.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40Suarez said sorry, but received a ten-match ban.
0:30:40 > 0:30:44Those busy little bees on Twitter took to Photoshopping him
0:30:44 > 0:30:46in various hilarious ways. Here's one...
0:30:48 > 0:30:49..and another...
0:30:53 > 0:30:55- Peach the Alsatian.- Yes.
0:30:55 > 0:30:58Now, police officers in West Yorkshire became exasperated
0:30:58 > 0:31:01when prosecutors asked for an account of the crime
0:31:01 > 0:31:05from a PC Peach, not realising Peach was, in fact,
0:31:05 > 0:31:07the name of the police dog.
0:31:07 > 0:31:10Here is the witness statement the Crown Prosecution Service
0:31:10 > 0:31:11complained about...
0:31:22 > 0:31:25It makes a change from, "He drunk, he stumble in cells, he dead -
0:31:25 > 0:31:27"I never touched him."
0:31:32 > 0:31:34Ian and Camilla, here are yours.
0:31:34 > 0:31:37Cliff Richard, the Oxford cox,
0:31:37 > 0:31:42the Norwegian log fire and the new Dutch king's inaugural song.
0:31:42 > 0:31:47- The new Dutch king had a song written for his coronation.- Yeah.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50A special song, and decided he hated it.
0:31:50 > 0:31:54- The Oxford cox - he swore a lot during the race this year.- Yes.
0:31:54 > 0:31:55Swore like a porn star...
0:31:55 > 0:31:57all the way through.
0:31:57 > 0:31:59Is Cliff Richard the only one who's been uncomfortable
0:31:59 > 0:32:02because he's been placed directly above a fire?
0:32:04 > 0:32:07We're All Going On A Summer Barbecue?
0:32:07 > 0:32:12Isn't there a Norwegian TV show about logs and getting logs
0:32:12 > 0:32:14and putting them in a fire?
0:32:14 > 0:32:16And they complained about the way the logs were stacked.
0:32:16 > 0:32:18That's exactly right.
0:32:18 > 0:32:21But no-one has ever complained about Cliff because he's great.
0:32:21 > 0:32:22So, who's the odd one out, then?
0:32:22 > 0:32:24Cliff, because he's going on a summer holiday...
0:32:25 > 0:32:27..and we're not.
0:32:27 > 0:32:30Right, well, they've all caused an audience to complain
0:32:30 > 0:32:32but it's about people moaning...
0:32:32 > 0:32:35You know, Cliff isn't known for making people moan, is he?
0:32:35 > 0:32:37But they have all caused...
0:32:37 > 0:32:38LAUGHTER
0:32:38 > 0:32:41But they have all caused an audience to complain,
0:32:41 > 0:32:44apart from Cliff Richard, whose music causes audiences to die.
0:32:46 > 0:32:48Have you got any evidence for that?
0:32:48 > 0:32:52Yes, there are people who heard Bachelor Boy in 1961 who are no longer with us.
0:32:53 > 0:32:55According to Gardeners' Question Time,
0:32:55 > 0:32:58a study conducted on the effect of music on plants
0:32:58 > 0:33:02revealed that the plants which had been played Cliff's music...
0:33:04 > 0:33:08..whereas the ones in the Black Sabbath greenhouse all flourished.
0:33:08 > 0:33:12All the plants in Snoop Dogg's greenhouse were impounded by police.
0:33:14 > 0:33:15A Norwegian log fire.
0:33:15 > 0:33:19This is a log fire that was aired for eight hours
0:33:19 > 0:33:22on Norwegian TV during the peak Friday night slot.
0:33:22 > 0:33:24According to the Daily Mail,
0:33:24 > 0:33:27it was watched by a fifth of the population.
0:33:27 > 0:33:30That's about how many people would be stoned, isn't it?
0:33:33 > 0:33:36The programme, you know, it divided the nation.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45An expert said...
0:33:49 > 0:33:52One viewer commented:
0:34:05 > 0:34:08The Dutch King's Song, a song composed to mark
0:34:08 > 0:34:11the inauguration of the new King of the Netherlands,
0:34:11 > 0:34:15was withdrawn by the composer after it attracted a storm of criticism.
0:34:15 > 0:34:17Let's have a look.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19MUSIC: "Het Koningslied" by John Ewbank
0:34:19 > 0:34:20THEY SING IN DUTCH
0:34:34 > 0:34:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:34:41 > 0:34:44As long as they're both willing participants.
0:34:44 > 0:34:48Perhaps he is trying to get a reduction on his car insurance.
0:34:49 > 0:34:51APPLAUSE
0:34:54 > 0:34:58According to the Daily Telegraph, in musical terms, the song is...
0:35:02 > 0:35:04..known as crap.
0:35:04 > 0:35:09- I think I'd rather like that. - What?- Zadok the- BLEEP.
0:35:12 > 0:35:14I think that would be really good.
0:35:19 > 0:35:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:35:26 > 0:35:28You'll never guess what I just imagined.
0:35:29 > 0:35:32I imagined that was empty.
0:35:32 > 0:35:35That's the best reaction I have ever got out of Paul.
0:35:35 > 0:35:37- You've never said- BLEEP- before.
0:35:42 > 0:35:43Well, that's guaranteed that to be in,
0:35:43 > 0:35:46otherwise you wouldn't explain this to anybody.
0:35:48 > 0:35:51- Oh, dear. - The Missing Word round is coming up.
0:35:51 > 0:35:55- Oh, yes, I'd forgotten about that. - Who's going to be the daddy?
0:35:55 > 0:35:57The latest odds are on your screen now.
0:35:57 > 0:35:58Have a bang on that.
0:36:00 > 0:36:04This week's guest publication is the Teddy Bear Times.
0:36:04 > 0:36:07To be honest, inside it is mostly padding.
0:36:07 > 0:36:08And we start with...
0:36:11 > 0:36:14Is helpful if you're married to a much older woman.
0:36:20 > 0:36:24This is the part of the guide to making your own teddy bear.
0:36:24 > 0:36:26Once you've trimmed the fur on the face:
0:36:30 > 0:36:33Well, that's what they did to Nick the Bubble, anyway.
0:36:33 > 0:36:36I didn't understand a word of that.
0:36:36 > 0:36:41- You haven't got a clue what I'm talking about, have you? - No.- Welcome to the real world.
0:36:41 > 0:36:46Next, what is the meaning...less and fake?
0:36:48 > 0:36:51Hold it, hold it, hold it. It's a trick of the...
0:36:51 > 0:36:52Is it punctuation?
0:36:52 > 0:36:54Yes, it was, sorry.
0:36:55 > 0:36:57No, this one gave me the right hump,
0:36:57 > 0:37:00- I've got to be honest with you. - Camels?- No.
0:37:04 > 0:37:07For me, there's nothing better than celebrating St George's Day
0:37:07 > 0:37:11in proper English style, with a few pints of Kronenbourg,
0:37:11 > 0:37:14followed by a nice ruby.
0:37:14 > 0:37:15Next:
0:37:18 > 0:37:22CAMILLA: Oh, yes, isn't it the man who said the rude word presenting the news?
0:37:22 > 0:37:27This is newsreader AJ Clemente on his first anchoring shift.
0:37:27 > 0:37:28Let's see how he got on.
0:37:28 > 0:37:33You're watching the evening Sunday on NBC North Dakota news.
0:37:33 > 0:37:35Your news leader in high definition.
0:37:35 > 0:37:36OK, BLEEP, shit.
0:37:36 > 0:37:38Good evening. I'm Van Tieu.
0:37:38 > 0:37:40LAUGHTER
0:37:40 > 0:37:42..AJ on NBC North Dakota News
0:37:42 > 0:37:45and he'll be joining the weekend news team as my co-anchor.
0:37:45 > 0:37:50- Tell us a little bit about yourself, AJ.- Thanks, Van, I'm very excited.
0:37:50 > 0:37:54I graduated from West Virginia University and I'm used to, um,
0:37:54 > 0:37:58you know, from being from the East Coast.
0:37:58 > 0:38:00OK, well, welcome aboard, AJ.
0:38:01 > 0:38:05- She seems to already know that his ass is gone.- Yeah.
0:38:05 > 0:38:06Absolutely.
0:38:08 > 0:38:10I think if he'd been really clever
0:38:10 > 0:38:13after he'd sort of accidentally sworn - "The news in just now,
0:38:13 > 0:38:15"Newsreader swears at beginning of live broadcast.
0:38:15 > 0:38:18"Reactions coming in in a moment." That's what I would have done.
0:38:18 > 0:38:20But I think newsreaders should.
0:38:20 > 0:38:22It would be more interesting if they swore. Like,
0:38:22 > 0:38:24"This bullshit just in."
0:38:25 > 0:38:27Do you know what, though?
0:38:27 > 0:38:31To be fair, this autocue business is actually harder than it looks -
0:38:31 > 0:38:35insert joke here, grin to camera, wait for the applause.
0:38:35 > 0:38:36Next...
0:38:39 > 0:38:43There was the ex-Tory MP Louise Mensch. It's not her, is it?
0:38:43 > 0:38:47- I can't believe you got it that quick.- She's had her face done.
0:38:47 > 0:38:50I sat next to her here. I had no idea.
0:38:50 > 0:38:52That you were sitting next to her?
0:38:52 > 0:38:53I didn't know she was...
0:38:55 > 0:38:59I'm not surprised, the way you carry on, you foul-mouthed devil.
0:38:59 > 0:39:00One law for the rich
0:39:00 > 0:39:04and another law for people who are hosting shows in North Dakota.
0:39:06 > 0:39:07And finally...
0:39:10 > 0:39:12- Is it the name of a bear?- Must be. - No.
0:39:12 > 0:39:16It's something to do with comfort and it will keep you nice and...
0:39:16 > 0:39:19- Warm.- Cosy.- Yeah, say you was on a boat somewhere.
0:39:19 > 0:39:20Where does a boat sail?
0:39:20 > 0:39:23- A harbour. Sea.- Yeah, sea. Yeah, yeah.- Dry.- Will keep you...
0:39:23 > 0:39:26Where would you like to be when you are at sea?
0:39:26 > 0:39:30Keep you... On a... I'm on a boat. I'm on a boat.
0:39:30 > 0:39:32The waves are coming in, look.
0:39:32 > 0:39:34APPLAUSE
0:39:34 > 0:39:35I can't believe I did that again.
0:39:35 > 0:39:37APPLAUSE
0:39:37 > 0:39:38Three times.
0:39:41 > 0:39:42Is that the answer?
0:39:42 > 0:39:44- No.- Oh.
0:39:45 > 0:39:47Will keep you warm at sea.
0:39:47 > 0:39:50This is, of course, designer Gay Wimpory, who has
0:39:50 > 0:39:53created this teddy bear sailor jacket for when
0:39:53 > 0:39:55the sea breezes get a bit chilly.
0:39:55 > 0:39:59The sailor teddy actually owns a pair of trousers as well
0:39:59 > 0:40:00but he has just taken them off
0:40:00 > 0:40:04and he's waiting his turn in the teddy bear brothel.
0:40:06 > 0:40:10REGINALD: Ah! The teddy bear's a ho.
0:40:10 > 0:40:13The final scores are
0:40:13 > 0:40:15Paul and Reginald, six,
0:40:15 > 0:40:17- Ian and Camilla... - HE CHUCKLES
0:40:17 > 0:40:18..eight.
0:40:18 > 0:40:21APPLAUSE
0:40:23 > 0:40:25There's time for the caption competition.
0:40:25 > 0:40:28Ian and Camilla have this.
0:40:28 > 0:40:31They're all saying, "Are you going to her funeral? No. No. Not me."
0:40:33 > 0:40:35Paul and Reg get that.
0:40:35 > 0:40:38Reginald wasn't like the other chickens.
0:40:40 > 0:40:42REGINALD: When he opened his eyes,
0:40:42 > 0:40:45he realised he had not been granted quite the wish he had asked for.
0:40:47 > 0:40:50On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:40:50 > 0:40:52Ian Hislop and Camilla Long,
0:40:52 > 0:40:54Paul Merton and Reginald D Hunter
0:40:54 > 0:40:58and I leave you with news that Boris Johnson is very keen
0:40:58 > 0:41:02to try out a new fare-dodging scheme currently on trial in Asia.
0:41:05 > 0:41:08In Berlin, there is evidence that Germany's prune shortage
0:41:08 > 0:41:10is beginning to have an effect.
0:41:13 > 0:41:17And a new arrival settles in to Battersea Dogs Home.
0:41:17 > 0:41:20Ray the Jack Russell makes it very clear who's the daddy.
0:41:20 > 0:41:22Blinding geezer.
0:41:24 > 0:41:25Good night.