0:00:02 > 0:00:05Good evening. Following last week's disgraceful display from Ian Hislop,
0:00:05 > 0:00:06the BBC have insisted he has to have
0:00:06 > 0:00:08a vicar sitting next to him tonight...
0:00:10 > 0:00:13- At all times! - ..lest he be tempted...
0:00:13 > 0:00:15to befoul the air.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17- So- BLEEP- watch it!
0:00:17 > 0:00:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:00:47 > 0:00:50APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:04Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07I'm Mel Giedroyc and in the news this week...
0:01:07 > 0:01:10history is made in St Ives as a seven-year-old becomes
0:01:10 > 0:01:14the first person in Cornwall to get a decent mobile phone signal.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22As their election battle bus arrives in Leicester, UKIP Party workers
0:01:22 > 0:01:25prepare to meet people from all ethnic backgrounds.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33And at the end of a chartered flight to Stansted,
0:01:33 > 0:01:37the pilot starts to regret letting James Corden sit in the cockpit.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46On Paul's team tonight is a comedian
0:01:46 > 0:01:50who, as a child in Newcastle, used to unicycle to school.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51Well, that's the North East for you.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Somebody nicks your front wheel, what else can you do?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Please welcome Ross Noble.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Thank you.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02- Is that true?- Yes.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- They nicked your wheel?- Yeah.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07And with Ian tonight, whilst one of The Communards continued to
0:02:07 > 0:02:09trawl the gay bars, dressing outrageously
0:02:09 > 0:02:12and playing synthpop, the other left to become a vicar,
0:02:12 > 0:02:14and they've been reunited this evening...
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Please welcome...
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Please welcome the Reverend Richard Coles.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:24 > 0:02:26APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:02:28 > 0:02:31And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Ian and Richard, take a look at this.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Yes, UKIP.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38- That's Ken Clarke. - Clash of the titans.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40There's that nice man with the Poundland umbrella.
0:02:40 > 0:02:45He's arriving at Transylvania to meet his latest vetted candidate.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51Well, you may laugh, but by the time this goes out,
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Nigel Farage will be Prime Minister.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57He's got a bloody cheek calling himself "Farage"
0:02:57 > 0:03:00because that's French. He should be called "Forridge".
0:03:00 > 0:03:04- He should be forced.- But that's the problem. Kenneth Clarke...
0:03:04 > 0:03:06The Tories were scared UKIP would take all their seats,
0:03:06 > 0:03:09so Kenneth Clown...
0:03:09 > 0:03:13LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Thank goodness it wasn't Jeremy Hunt.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24We're looking for you to raise the tone this week!
0:03:24 > 0:03:28- I meant to say Kenneth Clarke. - Yes.- He described UKIP as clowns.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30- Yes, he did. - Everyone is focused on them,
0:03:30 > 0:03:31but it may be that other things happened.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33There were some other parties.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Apparently the Labour Party was standing in some seats.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38- I've heard of them. - We don't know how well they've done.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41There was a very interesting candidate...
0:03:41 > 0:03:44There was a chap, a UKIP guy, I think it was in Gloucestershire,
0:03:44 > 0:03:46who helpfully volunteered this week
0:03:46 > 0:03:49that physical exercise prevents homosexuality.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Have you run away from them?
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Well, he hasn't been in a gym in Soho for a while!
0:03:58 > 0:04:00- I'll shut up now, shall I? - No, you're good.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03No, more about those gay bars in Soho, I think.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06That's the whole point of getting a vicar on!
0:04:10 > 0:04:12First-hand knowledge!
0:04:15 > 0:04:19You've just reminded me, I did have a very tricky encounter.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22There's a beach in Norfolk, North Norfolk, Holkham Beach,
0:04:22 > 0:04:23which is favoured by naturists.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27In a previous existence, I thought it might be quite fun to try that,
0:04:27 > 0:04:30and unfortunately bumped into my archdeacon.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33And was he arch?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Ross, you'd be arch after that, believe me.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41The wind can whistle in from the North Sea, blow up the sa... Oh, dear.
0:04:42 > 0:04:43Who voted?
0:04:43 > 0:04:48- I...- Not many! - Big vote for the Apathy Party.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Is that it? You can't all have come from London!
0:04:51 > 0:04:53ROSS: Has this turned into Question Time?
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Yes, that lady over there, in the back.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Please explain why you live in London!
0:05:01 > 0:05:04There was talk that UKIP were going to have to buy in policies.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Did you see this?
0:05:06 > 0:05:09They were going to buy in policies from a right-wing think-tank.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12That's brilliant, the idea of just some bloke in a pub going,
0:05:12 > 0:05:16"I've got your foreign policy there. Do you want more in the...?"
0:05:16 > 0:05:18So I'm going to start my own right-wing think-tank.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22My first one, right, gay marriage is allowed, right?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25But the honeymoon has to be you go and destroy a wind farm.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Be careful, you're going to get in.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Whenever he gets interviewed, if I was interviewing him, I'd go,
0:05:35 > 0:05:36(FRENCH ACCENT) "Mr Farage!
0:05:36 > 0:05:38(FRENCH ACCENT) Nigel!
0:05:38 > 0:05:41"Oh, I do like your rushes!"
0:05:41 > 0:05:44People have been voting, so let's hear from one UKIP supporter.
0:05:44 > 0:05:49- Who do you normally vote for?- UKIP. I did last time as well, yeah.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52- Before that?- I don't think I voted before that, to be honest.- Really?
0:05:52 > 0:05:56- So UKIP has made you into a voter? - Yeah, really, I suppose, yeah.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58But do you think they are a serious contender
0:05:58 > 0:06:00to become the government of this country?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02No, not in the slightest.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10How did Nigel "Forridge" hit back?
0:06:10 > 0:06:12He said the Tories were trying to smear them
0:06:12 > 0:06:15and there may be some lunatics in their party,
0:06:15 > 0:06:17but, you know, they've only just started,
0:06:17 > 0:06:19they can't spot all of them.
0:06:19 > 0:06:24They don't have the resources to find men doing that on Facebook.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Can we have a look at that?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28This is a photo that Alex Wood, who's the candidate
0:06:28 > 0:06:32for Blackmore Vale in Somerset, put up on his own Facebook page.
0:06:32 > 0:06:33Here he is.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35They said, "That shows you are fascist."
0:06:35 > 0:06:41He said, "No, I was trying to stop someone taking a picture of me
0:06:41 > 0:06:44"cos I was about to eat the plant."
0:06:45 > 0:06:49That's absolutely right, Ian. It's a Nazi salute, isn't it?
0:06:49 > 0:06:53And he also turned and said, "What would I look like with a moustache?
0:06:53 > 0:06:56"And... Hey, no, get away. Get away."
0:06:57 > 0:07:01How did UKIP's committee chairman in Somerset, Dorothy Baker,
0:07:01 > 0:07:02react to all of this?
0:07:02 > 0:07:03Are we being paid by UKIP?
0:07:05 > 0:07:11That's not even Kent, where we come from! Did you take into account the parking scheme in Cranbrook?
0:07:11 > 0:07:15No, I just went, "Which of these people aren't full of hate? Oh, them!"
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Did you, Ian?
0:07:19 > 0:07:24Oh, lorries, parking... No, it's pretty big stuff!
0:07:24 > 0:07:28- Well, Dorothy... - This should be renamed Have I Got Local News For You.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32It's like, "A Sainsbury's in the Loughborough area...
0:07:32 > 0:07:35"Planning consent has been given."
0:07:35 > 0:07:38We had... We had a sort of... There was a big political debate
0:07:38 > 0:07:41so there were candidates from the Tories, Labour and UKIP
0:07:41 > 0:07:43at the infant school in my parish today.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46We started having a political debate, but then it got
0:07:46 > 0:07:49subsumed into a discussion about Mr and Mrs Paris's wisteria.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Aw!
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Was the UKIP guy going, "Wisteria, that will grow at least, oh,
0:07:54 > 0:07:57"there, there, could be there...
0:07:57 > 0:08:00"Oh, I've done it again!"
0:08:00 > 0:08:01That's right.
0:08:03 > 0:08:04Dorothy Baker said...
0:08:08 > 0:08:11You could be Dorothy Baker and talk bollocks.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16If all this wasn't enough of an indication of "Nigelle" Farage's
0:08:16 > 0:08:19lack of judgment, he was photographed with this.
0:08:23 > 0:08:28Oh, God. I can feel the circulation dropping.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32Yours or the magazine's?
0:08:32 > 0:08:33According to The Times,
0:08:33 > 0:08:36what's missing from the UKIP party on a massive scale?
0:08:36 > 0:08:39They're not getting enough publicity on the BBC.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45APPLAUSE
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Is it a humorous, comical mascot?
0:08:49 > 0:08:54- What would it be, what would they have?- A bulldog with a pint.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56And a Romanian in a headlock.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00That's like a Churchill ad you don't want to see!
0:09:00 > 0:09:03"Are you going home?" "Oh, yes!"
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Well, apparently it's money.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13They need to find £120 billion to fund
0:09:13 > 0:09:16the pledges in their election manifesto, which include...
0:09:25 > 0:09:28..and top of the agenda...
0:09:30 > 0:09:32You can see why people vote for them!
0:09:32 > 0:09:35But you have Tory ministers literally saying,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38"I've looked at your proposals and the country cannot afford this,"
0:09:38 > 0:09:42instead of saying, "They're not going to get in, it doesn't matter."
0:09:42 > 0:09:45If they've got in, I'll feel very silly.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47That'll be the least of our problems, I think.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53What has Ed Miliband done ten times this week?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56He keeps telling people he's the leader of the Labour Party.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01- Is it avoiding a question?- Yes, did you just look at the card, Ross?
0:10:01 > 0:10:06- You did slightly.- Look, one, I can't see it from there. Two, I can't read.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08OK.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11He's avoided answering the question on Radio 4's The World At One
0:10:11 > 0:10:15about Labour's spending plans and he's also been out on the streets
0:10:15 > 0:10:19to do Q & A sessions while standing on a pallet.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22So let's see if he impressed voters in Crawley.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25- He wants to be Prime Minister. - Oh, does he?- Of Crawley?
0:10:25 > 0:10:30- No, no, Prime Minister of the country.- Oh, Jesus!
0:10:30 > 0:10:37- She said, "Of Crawley."- Yes, she did say Prime Minister of Crawley.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Anyway, Crawley is lovely. I worked in a plastics factory there, once.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45- Oh, did you?- They've got an excellent retail park in Crawley.
0:10:45 > 0:10:51They do! They have a lovely bowling alley there, excellent Nandos, and in the summer, they have
0:10:51 > 0:10:54trampolines outdoors for the kiddies!
0:10:54 > 0:10:57So you can jump up and down and see somewhere further than Crawley!
0:11:01 > 0:11:05OK, and why was Sunday declared Ed Balls day?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Oh, he was Googling himself and then he tweeted his name
0:11:08 > 0:11:12and then everyone did a thing on...
0:11:12 > 0:11:17He'd meant to type his name into a search engine but he tweeted it by mistake.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22And to mark the day, thousands of Twitter users tweeted his name,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24and some went just that little bit further.
0:11:24 > 0:11:30That's a service update on a London Underground sign. And this one.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32There we go.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34And last but not least, this one.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41That's genuinely frightening.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43This is Thursday's local elections.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46UKIP suspended their candidate Alex Wood
0:11:46 > 0:11:48who was pictured making a Nazi salute.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Mr Wood tried to explain away the photo saying...
0:11:56 > 0:11:59The very excuse Hermann Goering used at the Nuremberg Trials.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Ken Clarke struck out at UKIP this week.
0:12:05 > 0:12:10..said the fat man with the red nose in the ridiculous shoes.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- Paul and Ross, have a look at this. - Absolutely. What is it?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Oh, yes, it's bees.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Bees have been affected by certain insecticides, they think.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21The bee population is very important because they pollinate
0:12:21 > 0:12:24all the flowers and without them we would all die, so they are
0:12:24 > 0:12:27going to be a bit more careful about the stuff the pump into fields.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Tiptop. This is the news, of course,
0:12:29 > 0:12:32that bees may be saved by a pesticide ban.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- Which pesticides in particular, do we know?- Neonicotinoids.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Neonicotinoids, absolutely.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Some of them, these neonicotinoids,
0:12:39 > 0:12:42are made by the German pharmaceutical company, Bayer.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45- So who opposed the ban? - Spiders.- We do.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Wasps. Wasps and bees really hate each other cos they're very similar.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Wasps are a lot thinner, though, aren't they?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52They are thinner and they hate that
0:12:52 > 0:12:55- cos they see bees as being full of the fat of the land.- Yes.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- Bees are sort of Fern Britton and wasps are sort of...- Lorraine Chase.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Lorraine Chase, exactly.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Yeah, but then Fern Britton lost all the weight, didn't she?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- Now she's a wasp!- So she's a wasp, she's gone bee to wasp.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- I think I'm a bee, I'm definitely... - She might go back to being a bee.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Yeah, Oprah is bee, wasp, bee, wasp, bee, wasp, isn't she?
0:13:12 > 0:13:18- That's how the DNA is written out, yeah.- I'm a bee. Ian, bee or wasp?
0:13:18 > 0:13:21- Wasp all the way!- Are you?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24- Yeah, I love picnics. - I don't see you as a wasp!
0:13:25 > 0:13:29Bee or not a bee, that is the question.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32AUDIENCE GROANS Shut your faces.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35- You can't blame them for that. - That's true. That is true.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38- They're only being honest. - Ian, you were absolutely right
0:13:38 > 0:13:40when you said that WE are opposing the ban.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- Well, not us, our ministers. - Not us five.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Owen Paterson, he voted against.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47He's not convinced by the evidence.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50He said we need to do more tests and the other people said,
0:13:50 > 0:13:54"Well, if it IS the pesticides, then we'll have some crops,
0:13:54 > 0:13:56"but if we wait too long,
0:13:56 > 0:13:59"there won't be any crops left at all or any bees
0:13:59 > 0:14:00"and we will all die,
0:14:00 > 0:14:03"so why not take the slightly less risky option?"
0:14:03 > 0:14:06But the EU has done it, so they've banned these pesticides,
0:14:06 > 0:14:08- so it's very good news.- Yes.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12Some British scientists think that the science just isn't proven.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20Although, to be fair,
0:14:20 > 0:14:25that was Dr Julian Little from Bayer UK's bee-killing unit.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31- And who is opposing him? - Bees! All of them!
0:14:31 > 0:14:37- The British Beekeepers Association. - Yes, or Winnie-the-Pooh.- Yes.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41Winnie-the-Pooh and the Honey Monster have got together.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44"We've got to do something about this!" "Oh, yes."
0:14:44 > 0:14:48But the Honey Monster was Winnie-the-Pooh's dealer.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50All the fresh honey.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52"How do you like it? Runny?"
0:14:52 > 0:14:53It's Dr Geraldine Wright
0:14:53 > 0:14:56from Newcastle University's bee department.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00- And...- Oh, yeah, yeah. - Do you know her?
0:15:00 > 0:15:03When I was a kid, we were always down the bee department.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07It was like a rubbish zoo. "Can we see the tigers?"
0:15:07 > 0:15:09"Yeah, they're very small...
0:15:10 > 0:15:12.."and they can fly.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15"Dad, are these bees?" "Shut up. No, they're not."
0:15:16 > 0:15:20I'm so sorry, Ross, I did that really annoying thing of "Oh, you're from up there,
0:15:20 > 0:15:22"do you know Geraldine Wright?"
0:15:22 > 0:15:26We all live in one big house up there!
0:15:26 > 0:15:31But the thing is, I had to move down south because they used my bedroom to set up the Bee Department!
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Geraldine Wright from Newcastle University's bee department says...
0:15:42 > 0:15:44So you've got confused bees?
0:15:44 > 0:15:47- Yes!- They're just going, "What's meant to come out my arse?
0:15:47 > 0:15:54- "is it honey? Is it Marmite? - You ask them who the queen is, they've got no idea.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- AUDIENCE: Aww!- Thank you very much!
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- I didn't get that!- The queen bee. - Oh, the queen bee! Sorry, sorry, Ian!
0:16:00 > 0:16:04- Sorry!- Not the actual, like, the Queen.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08Did you think our monarch is sitting there on ceremonial occasions
0:16:08 > 0:16:12and in that big carriage she's just dribbling honey out of her?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Oh, dear!
0:16:15 > 0:16:20Oh, god! No wonder Prince Philip's got that look on his face!
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Who else should take the blame for bee deaths?
0:16:24 > 0:16:27It's not just human beings.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- Themselves. They bring it on themselves.- Suicidal?
0:16:30 > 0:16:34It's very hard to hang yourself if you've got the ability to fly.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39They have to shoot down and go, "Ugh!"
0:16:39 > 0:16:40"No!"
0:16:40 > 0:16:44There's also the varroa mite, which is to blame for bee deaths.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Do you want to have a look at the varroa mite?
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Look at that, bastard.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52- Shall we have a quick bee quiz? - Yes, please.- Right, brilliant!
0:16:52 > 0:16:54- I thought you'd never ask! - Fingers on BUZZERS!
0:16:54 > 0:16:58AUDIENCE GROANS
0:16:58 > 0:17:01This is all based on a Daily Mail interview with Dave Goulson.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04You know Dave, he introduced the shorthaired bumblebee to Kent.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06- Of course he did! - Kent, the shorthaired bumblebee.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Shorthaired bumblebee, this is Kent.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14Surrey is over there, I'll introduce you later.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15Who does Dave Goulson blame
0:17:15 > 0:17:19for the bumblebee's 20th-century extinction from Britain?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21BUZZER
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- Kirk Douglas.- No, Adolf Hitler. - Adolf Hitler?- Adolf Hitler,
0:17:24 > 0:17:27because the Dig For Victory campaign in World War II
0:17:27 > 0:17:31caused hedges to be dug up and wild flowers destroyed for crop planting.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- Right, fingers on buzzers. - BUZZER
0:17:35 > 0:17:37That's fingers on buzzers!
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Is the next question, what noise does a bee make?
0:17:40 > 0:17:43- BUZZER - Good, excellent.
0:17:43 > 0:17:48- How does a bee pronounce the name Kirk Douglas? - BUZZER
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Why do bumblebees' feet smell?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52- BELL - Richard?
0:17:52 > 0:17:55- I've no idea.- No idea?
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- Ross?- You can be agnostic about bees.- I'm Church of England!
0:17:58 > 0:18:02- Oh, sorry.- He who would valiant BEE.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04GROANING Shut your faces!
0:18:05 > 0:18:07I'll come over there...
0:18:07 > 0:18:08He'll come over there
0:18:08 > 0:18:11and tell you another joke if you don't behave yourselves.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- Why do bumblebees' feet smell? - I don't know.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18OK, in order to tell other bees that a flower may not have nectar.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21The bumblebee drinks the nectar, pollinates the flower
0:18:21 > 0:18:24and its feet leave a smell on the petals. Yes, absolutely true.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27- Lovely.- Why is mating hazardous for the male honeybee? On buzzers.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29- BUZZER - Good. Ross?
0:18:29 > 0:18:32They shouldn't do it on buzzers.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35They should be on a sort of twig or a bit of leaf somewhere.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Well, according to Dave Goulson...
0:18:49 > 0:18:53There is no upside to that, is there?
0:18:53 > 0:18:58Right, would you like to know how Dave Goulson caught his first bee?
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Is this a bee quiz or a Dave Goulson quiz?
0:19:01 > 0:19:05- Come on, we're still in the quiz. - We've certainly hit the big issues tonight!
0:19:05 > 0:19:07UKIP and Dave Goulson!
0:19:07 > 0:19:09- I can give you the question again. - Yes, please.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13- Would you like to know how Dave Goulson caught his first bees? - Yes, I would.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17- Is that the correct answer?- Yes. Good. But you didn't buzz!
0:19:17 > 0:19:18- BUZZER - Good.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22- Yes, I would.- Excellent.- This is the most fun I've ever had on this show.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25- Goulson said, this is Dave Goulson. - Go on, Dave!- Come on, Dave!
0:19:25 > 0:19:27- Speak it as it is!- He said:
0:19:48 > 0:19:51But worse than that, his mum was still wearing the stockings at the time!
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Now, what have bee experts discovered in Colombia?
0:19:54 > 0:19:59- A massive bee, a huge bee.- It's actually the world's tiniest wasp.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- There it is.- He's got a big hand for tiny wasp!
0:20:04 > 0:20:09- It's called T nana.- Where is it? - It's so tiny you can't see it, Ian.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11How do they know it's been discovered?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13It's not just a man with an empty hand, saying,
0:20:13 > 0:20:15"Here we are, going to name it after me."
0:20:15 > 0:20:20And today's tiny wasp fact is, if you laid 60 of these T nanas end to end
0:20:20 > 0:20:23they would equal the length of one ordinary wasp.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26- Shall we talk about horses?- Yes!
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Apparently, scientists have been saying that they are lazy.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33So what was the experiment that they conducted that concluded that these horses were blooming lazy?
0:20:33 > 0:20:39Oh, did they put a jockey with them and they tried to climb on the jockey's back?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41"Go on, you do it this time!"
0:20:41 > 0:20:44No, they were offered the choice of two pathways,
0:20:44 > 0:20:48one to a track where they trotted for two laps, and one for one lap.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Most of the horses who expressed a preference chose the single lap.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- What's the problem with this research?- It's all made up.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Well...
0:20:58 > 0:21:00As one commentator on a peer review website put it:
0:21:11 > 0:21:15In order to control the transportation of horses, horse passports have been introduced.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19Of course the photo in a horse's passport has to be glued in,
0:21:19 > 0:21:21ironically using some of its pals.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Well, in other dying-animals news,
0:21:25 > 0:21:30what is Brian May's latest attempt to stop the badger cull?
0:21:30 > 0:21:32- BELL - He's adopted badgers?- No.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34He's married one?
0:21:34 > 0:21:38- He's made a song about it. Do you want to have a...?- Yes.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42# Oh, no, a cull!
0:21:42 > 0:21:46# Badger, badger, badger Badger, badger, badger, badger
0:21:46 > 0:21:48# Save the badgers
0:21:48 > 0:21:52# Badger, badger, badger, badger Badger, badger, badger
0:21:52 > 0:21:55# Save the badgers
0:21:55 > 0:21:58# Badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger... #
0:21:58 > 0:22:01And what you can't see is Ben Elton is in the audience, going,
0:22:01 > 0:22:04"It's going to make a great musical."
0:22:06 > 0:22:10This is the good news for bees in the form of an EU ban on pesticides.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12According to one top beekeeper...
0:22:15 > 0:22:17..and roughly two million Nectar points
0:22:17 > 0:22:20to get a free pot off Sainsbury's.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24APPLAUSE
0:22:24 > 0:22:28And so to round two and it's welcome to the pithivier of news.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Here's the first spin.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- BUZZER - The earth, all of the pollution of the earth
0:22:36 > 0:22:39is spreading out into the solar system.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42- You're in the right... - In the right solar system. - In the right territory.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46Is it a thing, is it a thing to turn...
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Yes, that's it(!) It's a thing that turns!
0:22:48 > 0:22:51It's a thing that turns! I wondered what that wheel was.
0:22:51 > 0:22:56This is the news that 1,900 million years ago planet Earth smelled like rotten eggs.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58According to Professor Brazier, the process:
0:23:02 > 0:23:06- What?- Were you making a fart noise? - No, I was moving.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12Moving in my chair. What do you think, I can just fart on command?
0:23:12 > 0:23:14It's a chat up line where he's from!
0:23:14 > 0:23:17"Ah, Monsieur Petomane!" FAKES FART SOUND
0:23:17 > 0:23:21Now, on the subject of smells, what is special about this shirt?
0:23:21 > 0:23:26it sort of cleans itself, it never stinks, the bacteria sort of,
0:23:26 > 0:23:30because it's not sweat that smells, it's the bacteria drawn to the sweat,
0:23:30 > 0:23:34the bacteria can't survive in the shirt so it will never need washing.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37You are amazing. Yes, it is a new shirt which its makers
0:23:37 > 0:23:40claim can be worn for 100 days straight without getting stinky,
0:23:40 > 0:23:43100 days straight, then 100 days gay, then it's up to you.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47According to the Telegraph, the company claims to have invented:
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Or as its known by students, a shirt.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57Here we go, another spin on the pithivier of news.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03- BUZZER - There we go, right.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06This is the President of the United States.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Every year they have the Washington Correspondents' Dinner
0:24:08 > 0:24:11and in the last few years, the President will make a speech
0:24:11 > 0:24:14where he is allowed to sort of make funny remarks and make jokes.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17They used to have comedians come on and address them...
0:24:17 > 0:24:20But when George W Bush was President, they didn't need a comedian.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24- Ohhh! Cutting! - He opened his library, did you see?
0:24:24 > 0:24:28- That was this week. George W Bush... - All those colouring books!
0:24:30 > 0:24:34I was on tour with The Style Council once and Steve White, the drummer,
0:24:34 > 0:24:36lovely chap, he was staying in this posh hotel in Scotland
0:24:36 > 0:24:39and it was an old castle and we walked into the library,
0:24:39 > 0:24:41which was full of books and Steve White said,
0:24:41 > 0:24:43"Blimey, what a lot of videos!"
0:24:46 > 0:24:47This is the news that Barack Obama
0:24:47 > 0:24:50sported a new look to host this year's White House...
0:24:50 > 0:24:52- This is his wife's hairstyle, isn't it?- Absolutely.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Here they are, side by side.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Have you ever wondered what other famous men
0:24:59 > 0:25:03- would look like with their wives' hair?- Yes, I have.- Good.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05- John Prescott and Pauline Prescott.- Yes!
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Thanks to the Express, you're in luck.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11There we go, brilliant.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15That's really weird cos Prescott actually looks like my mum!
0:25:17 > 0:25:20- Do you want to see another one? - Looks like Planet Of The Apes.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Strange! Here's David Cameron with Samantha's hair.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Here's Richard and Judy.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34And look, here's Prince Philip and the Queen.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42- He looks like George III.- Yes! - It's a brilliant look!
0:25:42 > 0:25:46Fantastic! David Furnish has also been seen with Elton John's hair,
0:25:46 > 0:25:49but that was due to a sudden gust of wind.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53Would you like to see a caterpillar that looks like Donald Trump?
0:25:55 > 0:25:57This is brilliant, it's the larva of the flannel moth,
0:25:57 > 0:26:03- which does look absolutely the same as Donald Trump's hair.- Fantastic.
0:26:03 > 0:26:08- I feel it's time for another spin of the pithivier of news.- Absolutely.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15- BUZZER - This is Reginald who was on last week.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19He got booked to appear at the Professional Football Association's
0:26:19 > 0:26:23annual dinner and they weren't entirely happy with what he did.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Yes, totally right. The PFA chairman Clarke Carlisle,
0:26:26 > 0:26:29was shocked at Hunter's frequent use of the N-word,
0:26:29 > 0:26:31but admitted the PFA had made the booking
0:26:31 > 0:26:34and should take responsibility, adding...
0:26:35 > 0:26:36Steady on, this isn't Alabama.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41And what do the PFA want to do now?
0:26:41 > 0:26:45- They want him to give the money back, don't they?- Do they?- Yeah.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Let's look at it this way.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50He is being talked about now and Reg is on tour at the moment,
0:26:50 > 0:26:51so win-win.
0:26:51 > 0:26:56Give the cash back, take the publicity, thanks very much. Bosh!
0:26:58 > 0:27:00I don't think he's German.
0:27:00 > 0:27:05A PA chief executive, Bobby Barnes, told the Mirror that they wanted to get their money back.
0:27:05 > 0:27:06Bobby Barnes?
0:27:06 > 0:27:10- It sounds like...- Could he be any more stereotypically of football?
0:27:10 > 0:27:13"Here's Bobby Barnes now, here he is, the plucky young defender."
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Bobby Barnes said:
0:27:17 > 0:27:20So once again, the black man has to work for free.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23GROANS
0:27:23 > 0:27:26We're edgy tonight! It's edgy!
0:27:26 > 0:27:31Sort of hoping that quite a few of these don't make it...
0:27:32 > 0:27:36And how did Reg respond to this furore?
0:27:36 > 0:27:40- He Facebooked someone.- Facebook. - Facebook?- Absolutely right, Richard.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44- How quaint(!) - He released a series of photos
0:27:44 > 0:27:47with his own added captions and here's one of them.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11This is the PFA awards dinner
0:28:11 > 0:28:14and the wholly unsuitable booking of Reginald D Hunter.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17During Reg's performance, lots of black footballers were shocked.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19They hadn't heard the N-word used so much
0:28:19 > 0:28:21since they last played Liverpool.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23As Reg left the stage,
0:28:23 > 0:28:25everyone at the awards wondered who could possibly have made such
0:28:25 > 0:28:29a terrible selection and all the fingers pointed to Roy Hodgson.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32And a final spin.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40This is a better search engine than Google's.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43At least it finds tax.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48But, I mean, Google made something like, I think
0:28:48 > 0:28:54it was £18 billion in the UK and paid £16 million tax.
0:28:54 > 0:29:00- 16 million?- Million. So that's a tax rate of about a thousandth.- Yes.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03Mind you, they might have been on the helpline to HMRC all that time.
0:29:03 > 0:29:06Maybe they just clicked on "Feeling lucky".
0:29:09 > 0:29:11- Was that a Communards song? No?- Will be now!
0:29:13 > 0:29:15Is the Communards really high up on your CV? It must be.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18- Remember the demographic of the people...- It's the Communards!
0:29:18 > 0:29:23The demographic of the people, it wasn't in my present parish, but when I turned up in one parish,
0:29:23 > 0:29:26people's heads would appear over the fence, looking over.
0:29:26 > 0:29:30In the end I came out and said hello and they said, "Are you the new curate?"
0:29:30 > 0:29:33And I said, "Yes," and they said, "We thought you were black."
0:29:33 > 0:29:37And I said, "What do you mean?" And they said, "Weren't you in the Commodores?"
0:29:40 > 0:29:44Their executives appeared before the Parliamentary Accounts Committee
0:29:44 > 0:29:46and they said, "Why haven't you paid any tax?"
0:29:46 > 0:29:49They said, "All our business, it's all in Ireland,
0:29:49 > 0:29:51"we don't have to pay any."
0:29:51 > 0:29:54And then it turned out that this isn't technically what we call true
0:29:54 > 0:29:58and Google's motto is, "Don't do evil"
0:29:58 > 0:30:02and it's got to be, "Pay some tax, you bastards."
0:30:03 > 0:30:07Render unto Caesar those things that are Caesar's
0:30:07 > 0:30:11apart from the stuff you've stashed away on the Cayman Islands.
0:30:12 > 0:30:14Last time Google were in Parliament,
0:30:14 > 0:30:16they said they sell no advertising space in the UK,
0:30:16 > 0:30:19claiming it all goes through their Dublin office, as you said.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21But Reuters looked at the CVs
0:30:21 > 0:30:23of 150 London-based Google employees,
0:30:23 > 0:30:25all of whom said they were...
0:30:31 > 0:30:34Mind you, everyone says that, don't they, whatever they do?
0:30:34 > 0:30:36You find that on every CV you ever see.
0:30:36 > 0:30:39We advertised for a new grave-digger and we got all that.
0:30:40 > 0:30:45- "I am fully grave compliant." - Yes.- "Will only work indoors."
0:30:45 > 0:30:48Anyone know why members of Parkham Women's Institute
0:30:48 > 0:30:51should learn to Google a little bit more carefully?
0:30:51 > 0:30:55Have they got very fat fingers? They can't type.
0:30:55 > 0:30:57- They had a special visitor. - From Google?
0:30:57 > 0:31:01No, they were given a talk on piracy by Captain Colin Darch,
0:31:01 > 0:31:03who you will remember had a very frightening,
0:31:03 > 0:31:07dramatic experience when he was captured by Somali pirates in 2008,
0:31:07 > 0:31:10something members of Parkham Women's Institute
0:31:10 > 0:31:13clearly didn't Google as they chose to dress like this.
0:31:21 > 0:31:25Time now for the Odd One Out round. Ian and Richard, your four are:
0:31:25 > 0:31:27The sample of pitch used in the pitch drop experiment,
0:31:27 > 0:31:29the world's biggest jigsaw,
0:31:29 > 0:31:32the Pontfadog Oak and Icarus.
0:31:32 > 0:31:34Well, I think this is to do with falling to the ground.
0:31:34 > 0:31:38- Yes, it is, isn't it? - Icarus fell to the ground.
0:31:38 > 0:31:43The Pontfadog Oak, for want of a few thousand quid after 800 years,
0:31:43 > 0:31:45fell to the ground.
0:31:45 > 0:31:50I think this jigsaw, he was trying to put a piece in it and it just fell down, the whole jigsaw.
0:31:50 > 0:31:52Oh, and the pitch thing is an experiment,
0:31:52 > 0:31:54which has been going on for something ridiculous
0:31:54 > 0:31:57- like 80 years waiting for a drop. - And it hasn't fallen down at all.
0:31:57 > 0:32:01- So the odd one out is the pitch. - You're absolutely right.
0:32:01 > 0:32:03Yes, they've all fallen down apart from
0:32:03 > 0:32:06the ninth drop of pitch in the pitch drop experiment,
0:32:06 > 0:32:09that may fall at any moment, apparently.
0:32:09 > 0:32:12On a positive note, the oak been declared fit for work by Atos,
0:32:12 > 0:32:14- so we hope to see it back up soon. - As has Icarus.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17- Shall we go to the live feed? - Yes, please.
0:32:17 > 0:32:20Here's the live webcam, this is it, real-time.
0:32:20 > 0:32:22It's a bit dull, isn't it?
0:32:22 > 0:32:26- How long has this been? When was this started?- In 1927.
0:32:26 > 0:32:28And it's been on the internet all that time? That's amazing!
0:32:28 > 0:32:32- It drops very slowly and there's about to be another one.- Exactly.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35Anyone know any reasons why the scientists have missed the drops?
0:32:35 > 0:32:39It happened at night, when nobody was there watching it.
0:32:39 > 0:32:42Did they happen during the war when there was something else to do?
0:32:42 > 0:32:45John Mainstone told Radio 4's Today programme that in 2000
0:32:45 > 0:32:49he was out of town when he received an email to say, "It's dropped!"
0:32:49 > 0:32:50John replied to say...
0:32:53 > 0:32:55The reply came back...
0:32:57 > 0:33:01And in 1988, when another drop fell, he missed it again because he...
0:33:04 > 0:33:08John is not going to make that mistake again, though.
0:33:08 > 0:33:09Look at him here.
0:33:12 > 0:33:16Icarus famously fell from the sky after his wings melted.
0:33:16 > 0:33:19Icarus ignored instructions not to get to close to the sun
0:33:19 > 0:33:21and joined the Metropolitan Police Force.
0:33:23 > 0:33:28- And what modern Greek institution is slightly unfortunately named after young Icarus?- Was it the Euro?
0:33:28 > 0:33:30No.
0:33:33 > 0:33:35It's to do with planes.
0:33:35 > 0:33:39The man behind the shortest aviation career in history, Icarus, has given his name to...
0:33:42 > 0:33:44And you mentioned the world's biggest handmade jigsaw.
0:33:44 > 0:33:46Yes, a record-breaking jigsaw
0:33:46 > 0:33:49commemorating the Queen's Jubilee was completed this week.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52It was hand-cut by 63-year-old Dave Evans from Weymouth,
0:33:52 > 0:33:56who spent 200 hours cutting the jigsaw before putting it together.
0:33:56 > 0:33:58Here it is on display.
0:34:14 > 0:34:17- WOMAN:- Absolute disaster.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21But what a great bit of commentary.
0:34:21 > 0:34:24Who knew that you could have a jigsaw commentator?
0:34:24 > 0:34:27"What an absolute disaster.
0:34:27 > 0:34:29"Oh, that is going to be
0:34:29 > 0:34:32"one of the worst results in competitive jigsawing."
0:34:34 > 0:34:36Paul and Ross, here are yours.
0:34:36 > 0:34:40The female giant panda at Edinburgh zoo, Cristiano Ronaldo's
0:34:40 > 0:34:44supposed lover, the daughter of Kyrano from Thunderbirds and this!
0:34:44 > 0:34:49# I got you under my skin when the rain came in
0:34:49 > 0:34:51# But as the sweat pours out...#
0:34:51 > 0:34:54The character from Thunderbirds, I think
0:34:54 > 0:34:56that character is called Tin-Tin.
0:34:56 > 0:35:01- Usually pandas have the same name twice.- Is she BumBum then?
0:35:01 > 0:35:06- Tin-Tin, BumBum...- She is probably called something like Lu-lu or Li-Li or La-la or Bub-bub.
0:35:06 > 0:35:11- She is called Tian-Tian. - Tian-tian, BumBum, Tin-Tin
0:35:11 > 0:35:13There will be people from Asia ringing and going,
0:35:13 > 0:35:16"This is the most offensive show I have ever seen!"
0:35:16 > 0:35:19BumBum is the odd one out because it is not a real name.
0:35:19 > 0:35:20You're absolutely right.
0:35:20 > 0:35:26- But can you give me that band? - T'pau? T'pau T'pau!- Yes.
0:35:26 > 0:35:32- So good they named it once. We don't know.- Definite article repeated.
0:35:32 > 0:35:37- The The!- The The! Absolutely, it is The The. Good. So who is the odd one out?
0:35:37 > 0:35:39BumBum is the odd one out because that is her nickname
0:35:39 > 0:35:42and everyone else's real name is a repetition of their first name.
0:35:42 > 0:35:44Bingo
0:35:44 > 0:35:45Bingo bingo.
0:35:45 > 0:35:50They have a repetitive name, apart from Cristiano Ronaldo's supposed lover, who is a model
0:35:50 > 0:35:54- and she is only... - Why is she supposed? Do we not know?
0:35:54 > 0:35:59- Do we not care?- It was very dark, no one could confirm anything.
0:35:59 > 0:36:02It is his supposed lover, apparently.
0:36:02 > 0:36:06Supposed lover, apparently? this is getting worse.
0:36:06 > 0:36:09Have you not got any lawyers on this programme?
0:36:09 > 0:36:13Sounds like one of your 80s songs. # Supposed lover!
0:36:13 > 0:36:17# There's a possibility of romance!
0:36:17 > 0:36:22- # Or a lawyer! - # It's not been confirmed! #
0:36:22 > 0:36:25Bit of Bob Dylan coming in there.
0:36:25 > 0:36:30(DOES BOB DYLAN IMPERSONATION) # Haven't confirmed the lady! #
0:36:30 > 0:36:35Now I'm trapped in this voice and I'm going to have to do
0:36:35 > 0:36:38The rest of the show like this Carry on.
0:36:38 > 0:36:41She is a model and she is only known as Miss BumBum.
0:36:41 > 0:36:46Her real name was is Andressa, so Ronaldo was only following orders.
0:36:46 > 0:36:52Now, why is the fact that she is known as Miss BumBum a massive scandal?
0:36:52 > 0:36:54Oh, is it a tribute to Basil Brush?
0:36:57 > 0:37:04- He was big in the 70s, that will be on the news next week!- No, not Basil!
0:37:06 > 0:37:11Sooty, he's been quiet! Just saying, imagine that in court.
0:37:11 > 0:37:15"What's that? What's that, Sooty? You did not!"
0:37:15 > 0:37:19I would just like to state that neither Basil Brush nor Sooty
0:37:19 > 0:37:25- he have been involved in any sexual misbehaviour. - That's not what I've heard!
0:37:27 > 0:37:31In the series Thunderbirds, Tin-Tin Kyrano spent most of her time on Tracey Island,
0:37:31 > 0:37:35a fictional landmass in a secret location somewhere in international waters.
0:37:35 > 0:37:37It is now where Jimmy Carr keeps his money.
0:37:39 > 0:37:42The The had most to success in the 80s. According to the sleeve notes on the CD:
0:37:46 > 0:37:49They didn't ask him to, but you have seen Later. It is hard to stop him.
0:37:53 > 0:37:56Time now for the Missing Words round.
0:37:56 > 0:37:59This week's guest publication is SICKinsight.
0:37:59 > 0:38:01This is the magazine of SICK,
0:38:01 > 0:38:04the German electrical engineering company.
0:38:04 > 0:38:07The company was founded by Erwin Sick, who died in 1988
0:38:07 > 0:38:10and I'd like to think, in tribute to Spike Milligan,
0:38:10 > 0:38:12his headstone reads, "I told you I was Sick."
0:38:12 > 0:38:14And we start with...
0:38:20 > 0:38:22A lonely goat herd?
0:38:24 > 0:38:25Ruthless efficiency?
0:38:27 > 0:38:28The answer is:
0:38:30 > 0:38:34According to the magazine, their latest screw-driving solution...
0:38:36 > 0:38:40That's from their special correspondent, Ooh Er Missus.
0:38:40 > 0:38:41Next up.
0:38:45 > 0:38:47Naturist Archdeacon.
0:38:50 > 0:38:52(ROSS) It's a fish.
0:38:52 > 0:38:55It is a type of fish. Frankenfish. Next.
0:38:57 > 0:38:59Is this like a country music thing?
0:38:59 > 0:39:02Git award and then go to the after party.
0:39:04 > 0:39:07Git awarded compensation if you've been injured at work.
0:39:09 > 0:39:14The answer is GIT Award goes to the S300 Mini.
0:39:14 > 0:39:15This is from SICKinsight.
0:39:15 > 0:39:19According to winning product manager, Torsten Rapp...
0:39:24 > 0:39:27And that's how you win a GIT Award.
0:39:27 > 0:39:31Typical British, laughing at a successful German company.
0:39:31 > 0:39:36God, I bet they sell all that stuff and create jobs.
0:39:36 > 0:39:37And finally...
0:39:40 > 0:39:41RICHARD: Offered by Amazon
0:39:41 > 0:39:44in settlement of its 2012 corporation tax...
0:39:46 > 0:39:49- ROSS: This is burned my willy. - Absolutely right.
0:39:50 > 0:39:53- Not me, but... - Ross, you're absolutely right.
0:39:53 > 0:39:56The answer was burned my privates.
0:39:56 > 0:39:58This is Raymond Cuss, whose genitals were burned
0:39:58 > 0:40:01when he used a shower gel bought at his local 99p Store.
0:40:01 > 0:40:04After being awarded £1,000 compensation by the shop,
0:40:04 > 0:40:05Raymond said...
0:40:11 > 0:40:13So, the final scores tonight are
0:40:13 > 0:40:16Richard and Ian with five points,
0:40:16 > 0:40:17Ross and Paul with nine.
0:40:17 > 0:40:19- Nine.- Nine!
0:40:19 > 0:40:22Embarrassing, it's just embarrassing, that score.
0:40:28 > 0:40:32Before we go there's just time for the caption competition.
0:40:34 > 0:40:36(RICHARD) What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
0:40:39 > 0:40:42Bowl of porridge mutates into member of Royal Family.
0:40:44 > 0:40:47On which note we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and the Reverend Richard Coles,
0:40:47 > 0:40:49Paul Merton and Ross Noble.
0:40:49 > 0:40:51And I leave you with news
0:40:51 > 0:40:53that at a function in Buckingham Palace,
0:40:53 > 0:40:56Prince Philip prepares to meet the visiting delegation
0:40:56 > 0:40:57from the United Arab Emirates.
0:41:01 > 0:41:03In Rome, a new victim experiences the after-effects
0:41:03 > 0:41:06of the Vatican canteen's vegetable curry.
0:41:12 > 0:41:14And after the prolonged period of cold weather,
0:41:14 > 0:41:16there is evidence that the delayed spring sunshine
0:41:16 > 0:41:18may finally have reached as far as Newcastle.
0:41:26 > 0:41:28Good night.
0:41:43 > 0:41:45Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd