0:00:30 > 0:00:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jo Brand.
0:00:40 > 0:00:45In the news this week - in Salford, a local reporter double-checks
0:00:45 > 0:00:49when the BBC's new head of pronunciation will start work.
0:00:49 > 0:00:50Tomorra.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Tomorrow.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Tomorra.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54- Tomorrow.- Tomorra.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57It's "tomorrow".
0:00:57 > 0:00:58No, it's "tomorra".
0:00:58 > 0:01:01LAUGHTER
0:01:01 > 0:01:04The man who invested millions in the Spice Girls musical
0:01:04 > 0:01:07demonstrates what he'd do if he met them now.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Bang, bang, bang, bang.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11LAUGHTER
0:01:11 > 0:01:13And on a street in Tunisia,
0:01:13 > 0:01:17a women is seen trying to reverse into a parking space.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Oh, yes, yes, yes.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29On Ian's team tonight is a Conservative MP who has been
0:01:29 > 0:01:32described as "a right-wing Euro-sceptic,
0:01:32 > 0:01:36"with strange hair it's impossible to avoid referring to".
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Oh, and he also has strange hair.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43Will you please welcome - Michael Fabricant and his strange hair.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45APPLAUSE
0:01:48 > 0:01:52And with Paul tonight is a poet who recently said that Shakespeare
0:01:52 > 0:01:56and Baudelaire are the only poets he thinks are better than him.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Which is debatable, but he's cheaper and the other two are dead.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02So, please welcome John Cooper Clarke.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04APPLAUSE
0:02:09 > 0:02:11And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Ian and Michael, take a look at this.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16- Yes.- Ah.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17- Nigel Farage.- Yes.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Oh, this is the crushing defeat of the Conservative Party.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Now look, I'm vice chairman,
0:02:22 > 0:02:25supposed to be in charge of parliamentary campaigning for...
0:02:25 > 0:02:28So, a good night for you, then? How do you think it went?
0:02:28 > 0:02:32I think it went, eh... Shall we discuss my hair?
0:02:32 > 0:02:33LAUGHTER
0:02:33 > 0:02:37Look, I sat next to Louise Mensch, who'd had a facelift
0:02:37 > 0:02:38and I didn't even notice,
0:02:38 > 0:02:40so I'm barely going to see that it's a wig, am I?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43You think that this is a wig?
0:02:43 > 0:02:45I have no idea.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46I'll show you what a wig is
0:02:46 > 0:02:50and I'm very tempted to wear it. THIS is a wig!
0:02:53 > 0:02:54Right.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58Well, that was a showstopper. So that's the end of that.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Don't blink - you could be missing something very important.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Yes, this is the government's rightward lurch,
0:03:05 > 0:03:07otherwise known as David Cameron.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Which hoary old chestnut has
0:03:09 > 0:03:13re-emerged to haunt Cameron?
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Europe.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Well, it's Nigel Lawson, actually.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18He's lost too much weight.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Don't you think if you've been a bit on the heavy side,
0:03:21 > 0:03:23you then shouldn't lose too much weight,
0:03:23 > 0:03:26otherwise everything starts hanging off like a dog.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30You know what I mean? Those dogs.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32I can see why the Tory Party's in trouble.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Well, what they say, actually, is that if you lose weight
0:03:38 > 0:03:40under the age of 40, you look younger,
0:03:40 > 0:03:42but if you lose weight over the age of 40,
0:03:42 > 0:03:45it makes you look older, cos you look wrinkly.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48- I'll remember that. - So can someone bring me a burger?
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Despite being 81, he has now changed his mind,
0:03:51 > 0:03:52proving he's a proper Tory.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54He says we should leave Europe
0:03:54 > 0:03:58and that'll get the core vote back to your lot.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02I don't think he does think that. But anyway. That's what he believes.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Maybe we should. We ought to do a poll.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08We're probably not allowed to do this. Who would leave Europe now? Hands up.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12- Oh, not many. - No. There's quite a lot.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16Anyway, we're not going to, because sadly you're not in charge.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Let me ask you a question -
0:04:19 > 0:04:22what has David Cameron made the Queen do this week?
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Well, she had to make a speech.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25That's right.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27But it was mercifully short, I thought.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29And the great thing about a government that hasn't got
0:04:29 > 0:04:32many ideas is that they can't do that much harm.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34It contains measures on controlling rights of immigrants
0:04:34 > 0:04:37to the benefits system and scrapping widows' pensions
0:04:37 > 0:04:40for foreigners living abroad.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43So, Michael, if you married an exotic Filipino dancer on a business trip
0:04:43 > 0:04:48to Manila and then snuffed it, she wouldn't get your pension.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Quite right, some might say.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Speaking of trips abroad, what's this about you
0:04:53 > 0:04:54and a jar of Coffee-Mate?
0:04:54 > 0:05:01Oh. well... I was walking in Columbia, and it wasn't a jar of Coffee-Mate,
0:05:01 > 0:05:05I'd rather stupidly put it in little sachets, because...
0:05:05 > 0:05:07LAUGHTER
0:05:07 > 0:05:12I was walking in the jungle and these armed guys came along
0:05:12 > 0:05:15and they looked in my backpack and they were saying, "What is this?"
0:05:15 > 0:05:18And I reacted in my usual way, so they were convinced that I was...
0:05:18 > 0:05:19On drugs!
0:05:19 > 0:05:20..on drugs.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Who was the person you were with?
0:05:23 > 0:05:26I will not reveal it at this particular point in time,
0:05:26 > 0:05:28as he will be embarrassed.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30What, to have gone there with you?
0:05:30 > 0:05:31Probably.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35What else are the government pledging to get rid of?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37They're always doing this.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39- Ah. We're getting rid of red tape. - Absolutely.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40We're always doing that.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Well, we're going to do it this time!
0:05:45 > 0:05:48What problems might new proposed government legislation have
0:05:48 > 0:05:50caused this man, for example?
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Oh, he's a landlord, isn't he?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55- He is.- Rossiter in Rising Damp.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Yes, landlords are being asked to check the legal status
0:05:58 > 0:06:01of anybody coming from abroad that's renting rooms from them.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04That's right, which will involve landlords filling in a lot
0:06:04 > 0:06:08of forms, which will involve them in quite a lot of red tape.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Yeah, but look at this picture again - they look foreign to me!
0:06:11 > 0:06:12A SMATTERING OF LAUGHTER
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- Which ones?- I'd rather not say.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Yeah, I'd imagine you wouldn't!
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Are you a real person? You're not, like, a character actor?
0:06:21 > 0:06:23LAUGHTER
0:06:23 > 0:06:24This isn't like...
0:06:24 > 0:06:26APPLAUSE
0:06:26 > 0:06:30Now, let me ask you - what wasn't mentioned in the Queen's Speech?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32The career of Kirk Douglas.
0:06:34 > 0:06:35Technically, that is correct.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39Never gets mentioned at all, it's as if he never even made a film.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41- Gay marriage.- Indeed. That's right.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45But that's because it's already going through, you see.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48So, it wasn't new legislation.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51So, it wasn't just an attempt to look a bit tougher?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53- No, we're trying to look hunky. - Look a bit butcher.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Well, I've been asked to look very hunky,
0:06:55 > 0:06:58don't you think I'm succeeding?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00LAUGHTER
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Do you know, I'm so worried, I have no response!
0:07:03 > 0:07:05LAUGHTER
0:07:05 > 0:07:09I'm the new butch look of the Conservative Party.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Oh, dear, what do the camp ones look like?
0:07:12 > 0:07:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Gay marriage hasn't been particularly popular
0:07:20 > 0:07:24and a vote-winner. Let's just have a look. It's demonstrated
0:07:24 > 0:07:26very well, I think, by this couple here.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30Well, we're not that impressed, actually.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Are we, love?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37The Queen's speech was actually written
0:07:37 > 0:07:40before the elections last week. How do we know this?
0:07:40 > 0:07:44It takes several days for the ink to dry on the vellum.
0:07:44 > 0:07:49It does take three days to dry out, a bit like the old Queen Mother.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50LAUGHTER
0:07:50 > 0:07:53So...back to UKIP, briefly.
0:07:53 > 0:07:58What has Nigel Farage actually been suggesting as a compromise
0:07:58 > 0:07:59with the Tories?
0:07:59 > 0:08:01He said he'd have a coalition with the Tories,
0:08:01 > 0:08:03providing they got rid of Cameron.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05That's right, and made whom the leader?
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Himself.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- No.- Was it Berlusconi?
0:08:12 > 0:08:14- Think...- Boris!- Yes.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Sorry, we're thinking clowns, aren't we?
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Michael, you were one of the first to suggest a pact with UKIP
0:08:19 > 0:08:21- last year, weren't you? - Didn't go well.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Is it because you feel there is some common ground with UKIP?
0:08:24 > 0:08:26You see, I've got this theory.
0:08:26 > 0:08:31You see, David Cameron in the last election said "vote blue, go green".
0:08:31 > 0:08:34I just think, you know, that blue and green should never be seen.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Am I sitting next to Gok Wan?!
0:08:38 > 0:08:42Let's just show a quote, shall we, Michael?
0:08:42 > 0:08:43You said...
0:08:50 > 0:08:51- Yep.- Ooh.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54- All parties have them. - Not the BNP, though, surely?
0:08:54 > 0:08:55LAUGHTER
0:08:55 > 0:08:59And now, Nadine Dorries, she's back in the Tory fold,
0:08:59 > 0:09:01which I'm sure everyone's very pleased about.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Which other high-calibre names are lining up to be
0:09:04 > 0:09:08UKIP General Election candidates? Do you know?
0:09:08 > 0:09:09Both the Hamiltons.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11- That's right.- Christine and Neil.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Yes, you groan!
0:09:13 > 0:09:17But come the Farage cabinet, you're looking at the Home Secretary...
0:09:17 > 0:09:19LAUGHTER
0:09:19 > 0:09:23..and the First Lord of the Admiralty.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25That's Christine!
0:09:25 > 0:09:27LAUGHTER
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Apart from Christine and Neil Hamilton, anyone else?
0:09:31 > 0:09:35He's the on DJ who's still available for bookings at the moment.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38- Dave Lee Travis?- No, he's not available.- He's not available.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42- It's Mike Read.- Mike Read!
0:09:42 > 0:09:46He had a radio show on Frinton-on-Sea in Essex.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48- Was it called Fascist FM?- It was...
0:09:49 > 0:09:53Frinton, of course, is known for its geriatric population.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57It's a place of sanatoria.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02- See Frinton and die.- That's right.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05There use to be a sign on the main road in saying,
0:10:05 > 0:10:09"Harwich for the continent, Frinton for the incontinent."
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Why shouldn't the government be too worried
0:10:14 > 0:10:16about UKIP in a General Election?
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Because if the get the same percentage of the vote,
0:10:19 > 0:10:22which is 23% of the vote, they won't get any seats at all.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26So, quarter of the country can vote for you, and you get nothing.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Which shows the system's working.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30But the good news is...
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Is what? That you're still in?
0:10:32 > 0:10:35..is that the BNP would get in if you went for a proportional
0:10:35 > 0:10:37representational system.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Right. So, you're saying better to keep it as it is?
0:10:40 > 0:10:41I'm just saying...
0:10:41 > 0:10:44I'm just saying that the British public...
0:10:44 > 0:10:47I'm putting on my Conservative Party voice, now.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50The British public know what parties to support
0:10:50 > 0:10:54that will be reasonable and moderate.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56And that's all I want to say at this time.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59And I now hand you back to the chairman.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02The thing that amazes me about MPs is that they don't seem to
0:11:02 > 0:11:05have any idea how embarrassing they are in public!
0:11:05 > 0:11:06LAUGHTER
0:11:06 > 0:11:08They have no idea!
0:11:08 > 0:11:10APPLAUSE
0:11:10 > 0:11:14Let's move on and now see if we can spot the message Theresa May
0:11:14 > 0:11:17was trying to get across in this interview.
0:11:17 > 0:11:18A number of councillors
0:11:18 > 0:11:21who'd worked hard for their local communities lost their seats...
0:11:21 > 0:11:24..who feel they will have worked hard for their local communities.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27We have to work hard to feel how we're delivering on the issues
0:11:27 > 0:11:30that really matter to people, on the issues that people want us to,
0:11:30 > 0:11:33hard-working people want us to focus on, and we will be working
0:11:33 > 0:11:37hard to do that and working hard to bring those people back.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40We will carry on working hard to deal with those issues that
0:11:40 > 0:11:42hard-working people want us to focus on.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46We will be working hard to carry on with that delivery. Working hard.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50We need to work hard to get those votes back for the election,
0:11:50 > 0:11:52but what we need to do is to show that
0:11:52 > 0:11:55we are working hard for hard-working people,
0:11:55 > 0:11:58people who work hard and want to get on in life.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Sounds a bit too much like hard work!
0:12:07 > 0:12:11Nigel Lawson spoke out against the EU this week,
0:12:11 > 0:12:13saying it was...
0:12:13 > 0:12:17That's Nigel Lawson, best before October 1989.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Meanwhile, a jubilant Nigel Farage
0:12:20 > 0:12:22was still celebrating UKIP's success.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25According to the Sunday Express, he spent the weekend...
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Take that, EU fishing quota.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Er, Paul and John, take a look at this.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Yes, it's the Queen and Prince Philip having a little wave.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41That's working out the scaffold, shouldn't be there for that.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45That's Prince Charles dancing with somebody - a close admirer.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46And he admires her. And there's Camilla...
0:12:46 > 0:12:50yes, that would seem to be about the Queen and Prince Charles, basically.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52She's not going to the Commonwealth summit this year,
0:12:52 > 0:12:55which is the first one she's missed in 40 years,
0:12:55 > 0:12:57promoting thoughts that she might be cutting down
0:12:57 > 0:12:59on longer air journeys now that she's 87.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02That's basically it, scaling down her royal duties.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05What did she do during the state opening of parliament,
0:13:05 > 0:13:09in a sign that she may want to hand over some of her workload?
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Abseiled down the front of Big Ben?
0:13:11 > 0:13:15Screaming, "I've had enough! They're all bleeding bonkers in there."
0:13:15 > 0:13:19Why is Charles particularly keen to attend
0:13:19 > 0:13:21the Commonwealth Heads of Government Conference?
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Well, he's head of the Commonwealth, not just of Britain.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27So he's got to - they've all got to vote to make him, um...
0:13:27 > 0:13:30- Head of the Commonwealth. - Yes, he doesn't have automatic right
0:13:30 > 0:13:33to become Head of the Commonwealth after the Queen's death.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36- They could give it to anyone. - Exactly.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37Christine Hamilton.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40I like the idea of her meeting Mugabe.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46"Oh, you're a mass murderer."
0:13:46 > 0:13:48"And I'm Robert Mugabe."
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Um...
0:13:53 > 0:13:55There should be a whole series of jokes
0:13:55 > 0:13:58that end up with the punch line, "And I'm Robert Mugabe."
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Let's try and think of a few, as we go through.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02I'll have a think when he starts talking again.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05That'll give me a couple of minutes.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08What did Dame Helen Mirren do while dressed as the Queen?
0:14:08 > 0:14:11She was doing The Audience in the West End of London.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15Reprising her role as Her Majesty the Queen,
0:14:15 > 0:14:20- and a bunch of gay drummers was drowning her out.- Mm.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22And she come out and complained about it.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24- She told 'em to- BLEEP- off.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- How do they know it wasn't the Queen?- Precisely, yeah.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30Bloody hell!
0:14:32 > 0:14:34- When she says- BLEEP- off...
0:14:34 > 0:14:36- Yeah, you stay- BLEEP-ed- off.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40One bystander told the Times...
0:14:52 > 0:14:55That's quite expensive, isn't it? £100.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57How much are you, John?
0:14:57 > 0:14:59How much to see you perform?
0:14:59 > 0:15:00I've never paid...
0:15:00 > 0:15:04LAUGHTER
0:15:05 > 0:15:08- It's about, what - about a score. - About a score.- About a score.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- Yeah.- And how many poems do you get?
0:15:11 > 0:15:14About...19 yards of poetry.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16They get.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19And what speed are you doing over those 19 yards?
0:15:19 > 0:15:22- Negotiable.- Oh, right.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24- No, I was a fan, a long time ago.- Oh, thanks.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Still am, obviously.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Yeah, I was going to say, where did I blot me copybook?
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Are you a fan?
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Er - yes.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Can't even say "yes" with conviction!
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Cos - cos I know you're going to say,
0:15:41 > 0:15:43"Well, recite some of his poetry, then."
0:15:43 > 0:15:45That's what I knew was coming.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48- I'll be asking you questions later. - Exactly.
0:15:48 > 0:15:49There's one called Twat.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52I can ever remember some of Twat, can you?
0:15:52 > 0:15:57Like a death at a birthday party you ruin all the fun
0:15:57 > 0:16:01Like a sucked and spat-out Smartie you're no use to anyone.
0:16:01 > 0:16:02That's all I can remember.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04It's a great favourite, thank you.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06APPLAUSE Thanks, Jo.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09I've written the wedding favourite, one called I Wanna Be Yours.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13I'm not going to recite it, but it's compulsory on the GCSEs still,
0:16:13 > 0:16:15as Michael Gove will be glad to hear.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21It is to modern weddings what Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life
0:16:21 > 0:16:24by Eric Idle is to humanist funerals.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32You won't know about that, I'm 64, I could go to seven a week.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37If I really wanted to.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40No man can live on vol-au-vents alone.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Can we have a bit of your wedding poem?
0:16:46 > 0:16:47Yes, the first verse goes like this.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Let me your vacuum cleaner breathing in your dust
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Let me be your Morris Marina I will never rust
0:16:53 > 0:16:56If you like your coffee hot Let me be your coffee pot
0:16:56 > 0:16:59You call the shots I wanna be yours.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01There are three more verses in that vein.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03- That's lovely.- Oh, it is lovely.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05APPLAUSE
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Thank you.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13There was a young man from Bombay...
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Who took a slow boat to China one day
0:17:16 > 0:17:18He was pinned to the tiller by a sex-starved gorilla
0:17:18 > 0:17:20And China's a bloody long way.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22APPLAUSE
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Anyway, listen, Andrew, Prince Andrew's had a bit of good luck
0:17:29 > 0:17:31this week. Does anyone know what he's become?
0:17:31 > 0:17:35Yeah, he's become a Fellow of the Royal Society of Science, I think.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37That's right. And actually,
0:17:37 > 0:17:40many senior members are royally pissed off about it.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41Yes, they are.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Professor of Science James Wilsdon commented...
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Adding, "Anyway, welcome, Your Highness."
0:17:56 > 0:17:57Um...
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Would you care for a vol-au-vent?
0:18:01 > 0:18:04What was the complaint about the ballot paper?
0:18:04 > 0:18:06That it was rigged.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08According to the Times, actually...
0:18:16 > 0:18:19So, unable to vote "no", the results were as follows...
0:18:27 > 0:18:31He now stands alongside the inventor of the world wide web,
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Sir Tim Berners-Lee, cosmologist Stephen Hawking,
0:18:34 > 0:18:37and Sir John Sulston, who oversaw the human genome project.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41Although, to be fair to Prince Andrew, in terms of achievement...
0:18:45 > 0:18:49And in a final bit of royal news, what has the Welsh Rugby Union
0:18:49 > 0:18:51unveiled this week?
0:18:51 > 0:18:53- Oh, a portrait of the Queen. - It is indeed.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- Oh, yeah... - It doesn't look anything like her.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00It's a new portrait of the Queen painted by the Welsh-born artist
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Dan Llewellyn Hall and commissioned by
0:19:02 > 0:19:04the Welsh Rugby Union
0:19:04 > 0:19:07and, fittingly, makes her look like a scrum-half.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13It's a picture of David Walliams, isn't it?
0:19:13 > 0:19:16The world of science was rocked this week by the decision to elect
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Prince Andrew as a Fellow of the Royal Society.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20According to the Times,
0:19:20 > 0:19:22one explanation for the "yes" vote was that...
0:19:25 > 0:19:27An absurd way to set out a ballot paper.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31Although Alex Salmond has already put in an order for five million.
0:19:31 > 0:19:36Meanwhile, Helen Mirren stormed out of her West End play this week,
0:19:36 > 0:19:40in order to shout at a group of drummers publicising a gay festival.
0:19:40 > 0:19:41The organiser said...
0:19:49 > 0:19:52What, a screaming queen on a gay parade?
0:19:52 > 0:19:53That is a shock(!)
0:19:58 > 0:20:02And so to Round Two, the One-Armed Bandit of News.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:20:05 > 0:20:06Here's the first one.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13BUZZER
0:20:13 > 0:20:15That's a mocked-up Alex Ferguson, Sir Alex Ferguson.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18English football's most successful manager has just resigned.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21He's retired after 26-odd years of being at the top.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24So basically, yes, he's retiring, which is very unusual in football.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27They usually get the sack before they get to retire.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Absolutely. John, will you be writing a poem for the occasion?
0:20:30 > 0:20:31Are you a Man United fan?
0:20:31 > 0:20:33I've approached this from the wrong angle.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36I was looking at this monitor and that monitor,
0:20:36 > 0:20:37and trying to spot the 15 differences.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Oh, I see, yes.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45I'm going to have to give this one the swerve,
0:20:45 > 0:20:48but it is a black day for football.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51- Are you a Man United fan?- Of course. - Are you?- I'm such a United fan...
0:20:51 > 0:20:53- Yeah.- ..I moved out of Manchester.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Why was his departure a shock?
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Cos he denied it three days earlier.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02That's right - he told fans that he was...
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Though he is having a hip operation, so...
0:21:12 > 0:21:14- But he's also had a pacemaker fitted.- Yes.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17As always, looking to gain some additional time.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22- How long has he been manager for? - 27 years.
0:21:22 > 0:21:2526 years and six months -
0:21:25 > 0:21:28beating the second-longest serving manager by 26 years.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32Ed Miliband tweeted...
0:21:39 > 0:21:43At which point, someone had to tell him he hadn't died.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48- So can we do a quick Fergie quiz? - Yes, please.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50What did Gordon Brown give Sir Alex Ferguson
0:21:50 > 0:21:52again and again and again?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Abusive notes in the post.
0:21:54 > 0:22:00Gordon Brown sent him numerous CDs about the assassination of JFK.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Fergie said...
0:22:06 > 0:22:09On every one, he's crossed out "Kennedy" and written "Blair".
0:22:12 > 0:22:15And what does Alex Ferguson keep by his bed?
0:22:15 > 0:22:16His wife.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Hopefully he keeps her in his bed, not by it.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26She has to stand there all night?
0:22:28 > 0:22:31She's on the subs bench until she...
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Calls her on.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35LAUGHTER
0:22:35 > 0:22:41No - he keeps by his bed JFK's autopsy report.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45Now, can anyone here impersonate a Liverpudlian?
0:22:45 > 0:22:49I have to tell you that Jon Snow can't -
0:22:49 > 0:22:53here he is, discussing Alex Ferguson's departure.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Well, I was driven here by a Liverpool supporter, who said...
0:22:56 > 0:22:59BAD LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT: "Oh, I hope they take Moyes,
0:22:59 > 0:23:02"because they really do regard him."
0:23:02 > 0:23:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:06 > 0:23:08- IMITATES PIRATE: - "When the tide is high,
0:23:08 > 0:23:12"and the crow flies towards the horizon,
0:23:12 > 0:23:16"there will be a change of management...argh!"
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Can we see it one more time?
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Please? Can we see it one more time?
0:23:24 > 0:23:28Well, I was driven here by a Liverpool supporter, who said...
0:23:28 > 0:23:30BAD LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT: "Oh, I hope they take Moyes,
0:23:30 > 0:23:33"because they really do regard him."
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Wonderful.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42This is the retirement of Sir Alex Ferguson.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45As the news spread on Wednesday, shocked Man United fans
0:23:45 > 0:23:46gathered in the city centre,
0:23:46 > 0:23:49bringing London's traffic to a standstill.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Fingers on buzzers, teams...
0:23:58 > 0:23:59BUZZER
0:23:59 > 0:24:01I don't know what that is - oh, yes, I do.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04It's Trafalgar Square and there's a big Christmas decoration on it.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06- It's an onion.- Why is it on top of Nelson's Column, then?
0:24:06 > 0:24:11Well, it's to do with a soon-to-be-auctioned letter,
0:24:11 > 0:24:15that has revealed that on the eve of his fatal victory at Trafalgar,
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Nelson was preoccupied, trying to stop people using...
0:24:21 > 0:24:25What emergency is served best by an onion?
0:24:25 > 0:24:29- Well, it's not that much of an emergency, but scurvy...- Oh, yes.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32..obviously, was treated by onions,
0:24:32 > 0:24:34which are a good source of vitamin C,
0:24:34 > 0:24:38and emergency onions became such a preoccupation for Nelson,
0:24:38 > 0:24:41he only said, "Kiss me, Hardy," to establish if he'd been eating them.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44On the subject of famous people and food,
0:24:44 > 0:24:48a New York artist has been photographing famous people's riders
0:24:48 > 0:24:49- for an exhibition.- Oh, right.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51I'm going to give you the rider
0:24:51 > 0:24:53and I want you to give me the famous person.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55- OK.- This is the first one -
0:24:55 > 0:24:59a bottle of Absolute, Jack Daniel's, Chivas Regal, Courvoisier
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Beefeater gin, white wine, red wine,
0:25:01 > 0:25:0424 chilled jumbo shrimps and cough drops.
0:25:04 > 0:25:05BUZZER
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Ann Widdecombe.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11- It's Frank Sinatra.- Frank Sinatra.
0:25:11 > 0:25:12OK, here's the next one -
0:25:12 > 0:25:16fish and chips, McDonalds' cheeseburgers without the buns,
0:25:16 > 0:25:18100 prunes and figs
0:25:18 > 0:25:21and a framed photo of Princess Diana.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24- Elton John.- No.
0:25:26 > 0:25:27Britney Spears.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30It IS Britney Spears - well done.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34You're the man, Paul. You the man. APPLAUSE
0:25:34 > 0:25:38OK, here we go - boiled eggs, turkey bacon and turkey sausage,
0:25:38 > 0:25:40ready at any time throughout the day.
0:25:40 > 0:25:41Bernard Matthews.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47It's another slightly bonkers American - young woman singer.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50How old's Avril Lavigne?
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Is that a question for the police?
0:25:56 > 0:25:58APPLAUSE
0:25:58 > 0:26:00I'll tell you - it's Rihanna.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03- I know these fad diets. - You've never been on a diet.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06The Doughnut Diet - a third of it's not there.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10- IMITATES JOHN:- A third of it is not there, it's all air.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14There's a guy going into business.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21OK, this is the memo about onions written by Lord Nelson
0:26:21 > 0:26:22on the eve of Trafalgar.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24The Navy bought its onions in bulk -
0:26:24 > 0:26:28the onions were brought alongside the ships on long, low boats,
0:26:28 > 0:26:30sort of "onion bhajis".
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43PAUL LAUGHS
0:26:43 > 0:26:47- Is that a celeriac? - Isn't that an artichoke?
0:26:47 > 0:26:48Is it an artichoke?
0:26:48 > 0:26:49AUDIENCE: Fennel!
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Oh, it's fennel. No, it's fennel. Fennel.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Welcome to another edition of Is It Fennel Or Not?
0:26:57 > 0:27:00We judge fennel, they say no - if you think you've got it right,
0:27:00 > 0:27:02phone this number now!
0:27:02 > 0:27:06It's the news that plants can sort of...talk, communicate.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12"Plants can sort of talk" - how scientific is this?
0:27:12 > 0:27:15It's a paper by Prince Andrew.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17APPLAUSE
0:27:17 > 0:27:21Must be right, must be right.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23What do they say, when they're talking?
0:27:23 > 0:27:27- They can give across positive and negative vibes.- Vibes!
0:27:27 > 0:27:30LAUGHTER
0:27:30 > 0:27:34I feel slightly ashamed that I didn't know that that was fennel,
0:27:34 > 0:27:36really, because I live in South London,
0:27:36 > 0:27:40and we really only have about three vegetables down there.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Cos in fact, I was touring a few years ago in Cambridge,
0:27:43 > 0:27:46and I held something up and tried to get them to guess what it was.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48It was a thing called a wife-leader which men uses to lead
0:27:48 > 0:27:50their wives around, and I said, "Do you know what that is?"
0:27:50 > 0:27:53And one at the front, I kid you not, went,
0:27:53 > 0:27:55"Is it a cassava juice extractor?"
0:27:59 > 0:28:03Which sort of plants do you think would be friendly
0:28:03 > 0:28:05and which would be nasty? Come on!
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Beetroot I see as a bit of a thug.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Um, whereas a tomato I think would be very friendly.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18If that's anywhere near the right answer, I'm going home.
0:28:20 > 0:28:24- Basil was nice and fennel was nasty.- Ah!
0:28:24 > 0:28:27Researchers at Reading University believe that languages
0:28:27 > 0:28:31spoken by billions of people across Europe and Asia are descended from
0:28:31 > 0:28:35a single ancient super-language - a finding hotly contested by UKIP.
0:28:37 > 0:28:38They discovered that...
0:28:42 > 0:28:48- Like muesli. Don't you think? Muesli?- Muesli?
0:28:48 > 0:28:52Well, we're hoping to get muesli eventually in Lichfield,
0:28:52 > 0:28:56- but they have...- Are you from Lichfield?- I'm from Lichfield.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59- I had a terrible experience in Lichfield many years ago.- Was it me?
0:28:59 > 0:29:02- No, it wasn't you, thank God. - Thank God for that.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05No, it wasn't that traumatic.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07It's so exciting, people call it Lich-Vegas,
0:29:07 > 0:29:11and everyone should come to the hottest city in the UK.
0:29:11 > 0:29:13But doesn't have muesli.
0:29:13 > 0:29:18But it is good to see it's holding out against Alpine breakfast cereals.
0:29:18 > 0:29:22Yes! Exactly.
0:29:23 > 0:29:25Hoarding all that Nazi gold during the war,
0:29:25 > 0:29:28then expecting us to eat their breakfasts!
0:29:28 > 0:29:32- Dreadful.- Milk on a hazelnut - that's disgusting.
0:29:34 > 0:29:37Let's hear some of the words that have been around for 15,000 years.
0:29:37 > 0:29:42- What does this mean? - 'Geary. Geary.'
0:29:42 > 0:29:45- To cry.- To bark.- To bark?
0:29:45 > 0:29:48Of a tree or a dog?
0:29:48 > 0:29:51- What about this one, then? - 'Mar.'
0:29:51 > 0:29:53That means "hand".
0:29:53 > 0:29:57- What is it? Is it caveman? - Is it caveman talk?
0:29:57 > 0:29:59- Back in the days of the dinosaurs. - Yes.
0:30:01 > 0:30:03Funny how the dinosaurs wound up with them long names
0:30:03 > 0:30:05when they had this kind of vocabulary.
0:30:08 > 0:30:10Australian scientists have discovered
0:30:10 > 0:30:14that plants are capable of basic communication.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16Blimey, I didn't even know Australians were capable of that.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19Researchers have revealed that Europe and Asia
0:30:19 > 0:30:21once shared an ancient common language
0:30:21 > 0:30:24that was first spoken 15,000 years ago.
0:30:24 > 0:30:28Some of the words and phrases used back then are still used today,
0:30:28 > 0:30:30such as, "Nice to see you to see you nice."
0:30:32 > 0:30:33Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:30:39 > 0:30:40BUZZER
0:30:40 > 0:30:43This is the closing of the Spice Girls musical, isn't it?
0:30:43 > 0:30:45Viva Forever...or six months.
0:30:45 > 0:30:48When it opened, the Sunday Times said it was...
0:30:52 > 0:30:54And the Mirror said it was...
0:31:00 > 0:31:02Apparently the show was so bad,
0:31:02 > 0:31:06the desperate audience begged a gay parade to come and drum outside.
0:31:07 > 0:31:13Meanwhile, what has been described as the most sexist show ever?
0:31:13 > 0:31:15The most sexist show ever.
0:31:15 > 0:31:17It's a show that's on in Denmark at the moment.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19Ladies, You're Not Good.
0:31:21 > 0:31:23Actually, yes, it's kind of...
0:31:24 > 0:31:26It's not that far off -
0:31:26 > 0:31:28it's a Danish show called Blachman,
0:31:28 > 0:31:32which sees naked women paraded in front of two men,
0:31:32 > 0:31:33who appraise their bodies.
0:31:33 > 0:31:36Let's show you a picture of that.
0:31:37 > 0:31:39That would, of course, never be allowed on the BBC.
0:31:39 > 0:31:43Although that was how they interviewed secretaries in the '70s.
0:31:43 > 0:31:44LAUGHTER
0:31:44 > 0:31:47Comments from Thomas Blachman include...
0:31:51 > 0:31:52LAUGHTER
0:31:52 > 0:31:53And...
0:31:56 > 0:31:59I am popping over to audition for that.
0:31:59 > 0:32:01- That'll- BLEEP- him up.
0:32:01 > 0:32:03LAUGHTER
0:32:03 > 0:32:05APPLAUSE
0:32:05 > 0:32:09Right, time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:32:09 > 0:32:14Ian and Michael, your four are sausages in the Scottish Parliament,
0:32:14 > 0:32:16Cherie Blair's eyes,
0:32:16 > 0:32:17a house in Devon
0:32:17 > 0:32:20and some double yellow lines in Swindon.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23LAUGHTER
0:32:24 > 0:32:27MICHAEL FABRICANT: I know about the house in Devon.
0:32:27 > 0:32:33The owners repainted it and the local council said it is too pink.
0:32:33 > 0:32:35So this is about something being repainted.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38- Is there a portrait of Cherie where they repainted the eyes?- Yes.
0:32:38 > 0:32:40To make it look more like her?
0:32:40 > 0:32:43Well, it is her eyes and they were the wrong colour. Yes.
0:32:43 > 0:32:45Who is going to have a stab at the odd one out?
0:32:45 > 0:32:49- The odd one out is the sausages. - The sausages.- No.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51- The lines. - The lines are the odd one out.
0:32:51 > 0:32:54They have all had their colour criticised apart from the
0:32:54 > 0:32:57yellow lines which were the right colour but in the wrong place.
0:32:57 > 0:32:58Here they are.
0:32:58 > 0:33:01According to the Mail...
0:33:08 > 0:33:09They were so worried
0:33:09 > 0:33:12people would stop taking double yellow lines seriously
0:33:12 > 0:33:14they painted the lines over with black paint, as you can see here.
0:33:17 > 0:33:19A sausage in the Scottish Parliament.
0:33:19 > 0:33:22One diner complained about the sausage colour. Another said...
0:33:25 > 0:33:27Though the most frequent complaint was,
0:33:27 > 0:33:29"Found salad on my plate."
0:33:31 > 0:33:33Cherie Blair's eyes in a recent portrait
0:33:33 > 0:33:36by the artist Adam Birtwistle.
0:33:36 > 0:33:39She pointed out her eyes were painted the wrong colour
0:33:39 > 0:33:41and he had to repaint them before it went on display.
0:33:41 > 0:33:43It's not a perfect likeness of Cherie.
0:33:43 > 0:33:46She complained about the eyes?!
0:33:46 > 0:33:48LAUGHTER
0:33:48 > 0:33:51The artist has really captured the way she lights up a room
0:33:51 > 0:33:53if you look at that. See?
0:33:53 > 0:33:54LAUGHTER
0:33:54 > 0:33:58What else was described as being the wrong colour this week?
0:33:58 > 0:34:00Was it Robert Kilroy-Silk?
0:34:00 > 0:34:03You are along the right lines.
0:34:03 > 0:34:05It was the BNP's South Shields candidate
0:34:05 > 0:34:08Lady Dorothy Macbeth Brookes.
0:34:08 > 0:34:10Here she is. No, not that one.
0:34:10 > 0:34:13- No, not that one. Not that one. There she is.- Oh!
0:34:13 > 0:34:15LAUGHTER
0:34:15 > 0:34:16Gosh.
0:34:18 > 0:34:19Is she 50% teak?
0:34:20 > 0:34:24Unfortunately for Dorothy Brookes, her fake tan didn't help her
0:34:24 > 0:34:28performance at the polls and she only came sixth,
0:34:28 > 0:34:31despite her campaign slogan, "The future's bright..."
0:34:31 > 0:34:33LAUGHTER
0:34:33 > 0:34:37- OK, Paul and John.- Yes?- Here are yours. Police in Winchester.
0:34:37 > 0:34:43Jamie Noakes' granny. Some tortoises in Vancouver and a pizza.
0:34:43 > 0:34:46Um, Jamie Noakes' granny - that's a microwave, presumably,
0:34:46 > 0:34:49we're looking at on the top of her head. Oh, dear me.
0:34:49 > 0:34:52- Do you want a clue?- Yeah, give us a clue. It's rather puzzling.
0:34:52 > 0:34:56OK, the clue is Michael Fabricant could also be in this odd one out.
0:34:57 > 0:35:01Are they all products of diseased minds,
0:35:01 > 0:35:05hallucinatory...descent into the maelstrom?
0:35:06 > 0:35:10They all have surprising things on top of them apart from the police in
0:35:10 > 0:35:14Winchester, who have been criticised for donning pink flip-flops
0:35:14 > 0:35:16whilst on patrol this week.
0:35:17 > 0:35:19- Do you want to have a look?- Yeah.
0:35:21 > 0:35:24A floor tiler called Jamie has garnered
0:35:24 > 0:35:26a lot of followers on Twitter by posing
0:35:26 > 0:35:30a series of pictures of his nan with things balanced on her head.
0:35:30 > 0:35:32There she is balancing a beer.
0:35:32 > 0:35:34That's not actually one of her grandson's photos.
0:35:34 > 0:35:37She's just on her way to Ladies' Day at Ascot.
0:35:38 > 0:35:39And a kettle.
0:35:41 > 0:35:43A toy car.
0:35:43 > 0:35:45A cleaning sign.
0:35:45 > 0:35:49Is this how the elderly are going to be forced to make a living?
0:35:49 > 0:35:51This is my favourite - an ironing board.
0:35:52 > 0:35:57The takeaway pizza is radioactive. It's topped with Cumbrian soil.
0:35:57 > 0:36:00It was sent by activists to the Italian embassy in 2005
0:36:00 > 0:36:03in protest over Italian nuclear waste sent...
0:36:03 > 0:36:06- I knew it didn't look edible. - Yeah. ..to the area.
0:36:06 > 0:36:10- Your instinct was right. - Straightaway, I was on it like a cheap suit.
0:36:10 > 0:36:15What are the advantages to a radioactive pizza?
0:36:15 > 0:36:17- You can see it in the dark? - Best before date...
0:36:20 > 0:36:23And finally, a woman in the US can barely keep up with demand
0:36:23 > 0:36:27for her new knitted tortoise cosies. Here's an example.
0:36:30 > 0:36:34- MICHAEL: Looks like Jaws.- I think that is meant to be Jaws, that one.
0:36:36 > 0:36:40OK, they all have surprising things on top of them, apart from police
0:36:40 > 0:36:43in Winchester, who have surprising things on the soles of their feet.
0:36:43 > 0:36:45According to one report, the police...
0:36:49 > 0:36:52Well, we know how much the police love the sun,
0:36:52 > 0:36:55mainly because it pays them so much for their stories.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58Time now for the Missing Words round.
0:36:58 > 0:37:00This week's guest publication is
0:37:00 > 0:37:03the Shropshire Fungus Group Newsletter.
0:37:03 > 0:37:05Hmm! I love foraging for mushrooms.
0:37:05 > 0:37:07You have a nice walk in the forest,
0:37:07 > 0:37:10you get to pick exciting new mushrooms you've never seen before,
0:37:10 > 0:37:12and then back home at the end of the day
0:37:12 > 0:37:14you get to shit out your kidneys.
0:37:15 > 0:37:17And we start with...
0:37:21 > 0:37:25MICHAEL FABRICANT: Parasolium Boris Johnsonismus.
0:37:25 > 0:37:29Yeah, have you ever heard of a Chlorophyllum olivieri?
0:37:29 > 0:37:31- Yes.- No, you haven't.
0:37:31 > 0:37:34This is from, of course, the Shropshire Fungus Group Newsletter.
0:37:34 > 0:37:35According to one reporter...
0:37:50 > 0:37:54Blimey. I had enough trouble when Marathon changed to Snickers.
0:37:54 > 0:37:56LAUGHTER
0:37:56 > 0:37:59I thought your pronunciation was brilliant.
0:37:59 > 0:38:02Thank you very much. And I don't want to go out with you.
0:38:02 > 0:38:04LAUGHTER
0:38:06 > 0:38:07Next. Gordon Brown...
0:38:09 > 0:38:10Not linked.
0:38:12 > 0:38:14LAUGHTER
0:38:15 > 0:38:17No, the answer is...
0:38:20 > 0:38:21I don't believe it.
0:38:21 > 0:38:25Gordon Brown will be appearing in a charity concert with Beyonce.
0:38:25 > 0:38:28It'll be amazing appearing on stage with that famous arse,
0:38:28 > 0:38:30but Beyonce doesn't seem to mind.
0:38:30 > 0:38:32Next...
0:38:34 > 0:38:37- Success! Did you say success as well?- No, shiitake.
0:38:44 > 0:38:47This is the fungus Tricholoma sulphureum.
0:38:47 > 0:38:51- Ooh, am I having fun tonight with some fungus names.- Very impressive.
0:38:51 > 0:38:53As in, wind the window down,
0:38:53 > 0:38:56I think I've just picked a Tricholoma sulphureum.
0:38:56 > 0:38:57Next.
0:39:00 > 0:39:04JOHN COOPER CLARKE: To assist with the broadcast of fungal spores.
0:39:04 > 0:39:06LAUGHTER
0:39:06 > 0:39:10Absolutely. That's the best answer we have ever had on any question.
0:39:11 > 0:39:14No, it's "Hitting a log with a hammer..."
0:39:18 > 0:39:20- Wake up?- Here's a tip.
0:39:20 > 0:39:23If you find your husband walking off into the forest with a hammer,
0:39:23 > 0:39:25saying, "I'm just going to wake up my mushrooms," I think
0:39:25 > 0:39:27you should call the police.
0:39:27 > 0:39:29Next.
0:39:31 > 0:39:34- JOHN: Beryl.- Beryl!
0:39:35 > 0:39:37He's a poet!
0:39:37 > 0:39:40Mess with Beryl and Meryl at your peril.
0:39:40 > 0:39:43No, I wish it was.
0:39:47 > 0:39:49Lastly...
0:39:50 > 0:39:52JOHN COOPER CLARKE: Never having to say you're sorry.
0:39:52 > 0:39:54LAUGHTER
0:39:54 > 0:39:59Means that you will have a golden future laid out in front of you.
0:39:59 > 0:40:03Your bare feet will glide across the carpet of good fortune
0:40:03 > 0:40:06as the sunlight of happiness comes through the window of opportunity.
0:40:06 > 0:40:07Yeah.
0:40:09 > 0:40:10Eh, no.
0:40:14 > 0:40:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:19 > 0:40:22That leads us to the final scores, which are...
0:40:22 > 0:40:24Michael and Ian have three,
0:40:24 > 0:40:26but John and Paul are the winners with five.
0:40:26 > 0:40:29- APPLAUSE - How did we manage that?
0:40:29 > 0:40:31We did our best, didn't we?
0:40:33 > 0:40:38But before we go there is just time for the caption competition.
0:40:38 > 0:40:41JOHN COOPER CLARKE: I told them. Bungee jumping at my age...
0:40:41 > 0:40:42LAUGHTER
0:40:42 > 0:40:45APPLAUSE
0:40:46 > 0:40:49And I leave you with the news that, in St Albans, UKIP
0:40:49 > 0:40:53unveils its new diversity think tank tasked with reaching
0:40:53 > 0:40:55out to the immigrant community.
0:40:56 > 0:40:58LAUGHTER
0:40:58 > 0:41:02In Hackney, a delighted traffic warden meets his annual quota
0:41:02 > 0:41:03with one ticket.
0:41:05 > 0:41:06LAUGHTER
0:41:06 > 0:41:09And after leaving this studio without embarrassing himself
0:41:09 > 0:41:13too much, Michael Fabricant goes out and lets his hair down.
0:41:14 > 0:41:17LAUGHTER
0:41:22 > 0:41:23Good night.
0:41:34 > 0:41:37Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd