0:00:33 > 0:00:35APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42I'm Alexander Armstrong
0:00:42 > 0:00:44In the news this week... Following the tedium of last week's
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Queen's Speech, a BBC reporter reveals what Prince Philip
0:00:47 > 0:00:49would far rather do in the House of Lords.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Go in there and basically go... IMITATES GUNSHOTS
0:00:52 > 0:00:54LAUGHTER
0:00:54 > 0:00:561980s out-takes from All Creatures Great And Small
0:00:56 > 0:00:59show that inappropriate behaviour at the BBC was more widespread
0:00:59 > 0:01:01than previously thought.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10It'd be great if he pulled somebody out, though, wouldn't it?
0:01:10 > 0:01:13In Pyongyang, North Koreans react to the news that Kim Jong-un
0:01:13 > 0:01:16agrees with David Cameron on gay marriage.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23And Virgin Airlines launch a shocking new campaign to stop
0:01:23 > 0:01:25male passengers fantasising about air hostesses.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35On Paul's team tonight is an unashamedly traditional
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Eton-educated Conservative MP who was born in 1969 -
0:01:38 > 0:01:39at the age of 50.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Please welcome, Jacob Rees-Mogg.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45APPLAUSE
0:01:47 > 0:01:51And with Ian tonight is a comedian who says she wishes she knew
0:01:51 > 0:01:53more about politics but knows she doesn't like the Conservatives.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55A bit like David Cameron.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Please welcome, Josie Long.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00APPLAUSE
0:02:01 > 0:02:04And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Paul and Jacob, take a look at this.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Oh, yes. Ben Turpin there - cross-eyed comedian, famous.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13That's Lord Feldman - perhaps famous or not famous for saying something.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Those are the members of the Tory Associations, I think.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19- JACOB: One of them's a friend of mine, actually.- Really? Which one?
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Edmond Costello. He's a very good egg. Very good egg.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26So, yes. Somebody has apparently called these people swivel-eyed loons,
0:02:26 > 0:02:30- but it's difficult to know who has said this...- Who didn't?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32- Lord Feldman said he didn't say it. - He absolutely didn't.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34But he's the only one that people think did.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38Yes, it was definitely not Lord Feldman that made the remark to Times and Telegraph journalists.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40There were reporters who heard it who say it was.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44- JACOB: No, they don't. They're... - No, they're sticking to their story.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48They're sticking to their story, but they're protecting their source, so they're not saying that
0:02:48 > 0:02:50anybody in particular said that the Tories had a strabismus.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53LAUGHTER
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Tell us about strabismus, Jacob.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Well, a strabismus is when peoples' eyes go off in different directions.
0:02:58 > 0:02:59One goes UKIP, the other, Tory.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04- I would...- "Different" direction. - I wouldn't have put it like that.
0:03:04 > 0:03:09It's a... You know, it's a word for boss-eyed, and those various eye conditions that
0:03:09 > 0:03:12some people have, but Conservatives almost invariably do not have.
0:03:12 > 0:03:13LAUGHTER
0:03:13 > 0:03:15ONE MAN APPLAUDS
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Thank you!
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Don't clap on your own - somebody will throw you a fish.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21LAUGHTER
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Chiswick Empire, 1926.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29I don't know any loonies on the right of British politics.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31JOSIE: You don't think that Nigel Farage is insane?
0:03:31 > 0:03:35No, I don't. I think Nigel Farage is broadly a good egg.
0:03:37 > 0:03:42Nigel Farage is, like, the fevered, wet dream of Jeremy Clarkson.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44That is all he is.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46I'm not sure I quite understand.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53Why is he Chairman, this, er... this Lord Feldman?
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Because he's an inspiring Tory Party Chairman
0:03:55 > 0:03:58who leads the party with verve and panache.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01According to the Mail, he's also...
0:04:04 > 0:04:06And what's Cameron done to smooth things over?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09He's written us all a letter, saying that members
0:04:09 > 0:04:11of the Conservative Party are marvellous, and I agree with that.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15If any of you are members of the Conservative Party here, you're marvellous.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16AUDIENCE MEMBER: Wahey!
0:04:16 > 0:04:19And the rest of you are probably marvellous too. Everyone's marvellous.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Yes, he wrote...
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Adding, "..not in a nancy way, obviously."
0:04:33 > 0:04:37Tory activists tend to be quite elderly, don't they, Jacob?
0:04:37 > 0:04:40- No, I don't think so. People are living longer.- Yeah.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42People spend decades in retirement
0:04:42 > 0:04:46and therefore they're a very good pool to get activists from.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48UKIP is doing much the same.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Are you worried they're out-looning you?
0:04:51 > 0:04:55A lot of them are upset about the gay marriage bill, Jacob.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59- You voted against gay marriage. - Yes, the line of the Catholic Church.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03- OK, you took the Catholic whip, rather than...- Indeed, absolutely.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05LAUGHTER
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Did anyone hear what Lord Tebbit had to say in an interview
0:05:08 > 0:05:12- with the Big Issue this week? - Yes, but it doesn't bear repeating.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- Well, it really does, actually. - No, it doesn't.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17We've got the quote...
0:05:25 > 0:05:28It is a speculative concern, and it is unhelpful.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29Like, he could equally go,
0:05:29 > 0:05:32"What if a dragon shows up and steals the Queen?" You know?
0:05:32 > 0:05:34It's not helpful.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37JACOB: His problem - his concern - is one that constitutionally will not
0:05:37 > 0:05:40arise from the act that's just gone through the House of Commons.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Well, I hope he's watching, cos that will put his mind at rest.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45While we're on Norman Tebbit, do you want to hear his theories
0:05:45 > 0:05:48- about how gay marriage might affect inheritance tax?- Yes.- He said...
0:06:03 > 0:06:07And all these years, people have thought Norman's reactionary(!)
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Extraordinary free-thinking liberal.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Yeah, he fancies his brother.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Mind you, we all fancy your brother, Norm.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20What did the Conservative MP for Aldershot - Gerald Howarth - warn us about?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- Aggressive homosexuals. - That's exactly right.
0:06:23 > 0:06:24His quote was this. He said...
0:06:30 > 0:06:33What next? Bumming on the national curriculum?
0:06:37 > 0:06:40That's going back to the 19th century.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42What might the House of Lords do?
0:06:42 > 0:06:46They're threatening to have a vote on the second reading, which the
0:06:46 > 0:06:49House of Lords very rarely does on bills that come up from the Commons.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53That's right. They might block the bill's passage. Who's going to be...?
0:06:53 > 0:06:56LAUGHTER
0:06:59 > 0:07:02That's a Max Miller joke.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07Who's the likely passage-blocker in this instance?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09It's Lord Dear, Dearie to his friends.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10He might table a...
0:07:10 > 0:07:13It's a generational thing, isn't it, the gay marriage bill?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Older people tend to be against it, younger people are for it, so if you
0:07:16 > 0:07:19take it to the House of Lords, it's probably not going to get through.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22What's the Lib Dems' biggest worry at the moment?
0:07:22 > 0:07:23Nick Clegg.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Second biggest worry at the moment?
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Vince Cable.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Third biggest worry?
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Extinction.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32Extinction.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35We've found two. Ed Davey - that's a third. How many more can we do?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Any offers from the audience?
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Famous Lib Dems. It's a bit like famous Belgians.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42You're in government with these people.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44I'm not in government. I'm a backbencher.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46They wouldn't let me anywhere near government.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50It's important to remember that cos all functions of our government
0:07:50 > 0:07:53are run by Old Etonians, so even a backbench rebel is an Old Etonian.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Lib Dem Party insiders are worried that...
0:08:03 > 0:08:06- Shocking, isn't it? - The devious bastards.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08In a week of controversial statements,
0:08:08 > 0:08:10what has Penelope Keith been saying this week?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13She's addressed the housing problems.
0:08:13 > 0:08:18It's kind of incredibly mean to be blaming the housing crisis on older women.
0:08:18 > 0:08:23Flibbertigibbet 60-year-olds running off. Phwoar! Yes!
0:08:23 > 0:08:27- That's exactly right.- As soon as the children have grown up, they look around them
0:08:27 > 0:08:29and think, "Oh, you're quite boring."
0:08:30 > 0:08:33This is...personal experience.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38You mean you get that at home as well?
0:08:40 > 0:08:42That's right. This was in Country Life magazine.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45She was complaining about middle-aged women contributing
0:08:45 > 0:08:47to rising house prices by divorcing and living on their own.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Well, watch Pointless, of course.
0:09:03 > 0:09:08- Do you need your own home to do that?- Oh, yes. It is advisable.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10What did we learn this week about men with big muscles?
0:09:10 > 0:09:15- They can lift heavy things. - Yes.- Yes?!- No, no.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18This is research published by some university somewhere,
0:09:18 > 0:09:21that said, "Men with high upper body strength are likely to be
0:09:21 > 0:09:24"more right wing, because they pursue their own self interest.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27"Weedy men, on the other hand, are more concerned with
0:09:27 > 0:09:31- "the welfare of others."- I think I disprove this rule, personally. - Let's see your biceps, Jacob.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33I don't know that I've got anything like that.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37- Of course, you are a man of the people, aren't you? - Absolutely. Very much so.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Here's when Andrew Neil sprang a question about social class on you.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44I would say, sort of, upper middle rather than upper.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Well, I'm certainly not part of the aristocracy. That's definitely true.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51- So, we'll settle for upper middle? - I'm a man of the people.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53"Vox populi, vox Dei."
0:09:53 > 0:09:56But, Alexander, aren't you even posher than I am?
0:09:56 > 0:10:00I seem to remember reading somewhere that you are descended from William the Conqueror.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03which I think makes you a cousin of my wife.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- That's nice.- So...- We're family.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08So...we're family. May I call you cousin?
0:10:08 > 0:10:10APPLAUSE
0:10:10 > 0:10:12That's nice.
0:10:12 > 0:10:18- Yes...- I don't think I'm even related to my own parents.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Yes, this is the gay marriage bill.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22The move to legalise same sex marriage has outraged many
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Conservatives, who believe that marriage
0:10:24 > 0:10:27should be between a man and a woman, or several women if you're Boris.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32OK. Ian and Josie, take a look at this.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36That's the next Prime Minister.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Oh, God, please no.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40And that's Michael Gove.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Head teachers have proposed a vote of no confidence in him
0:10:43 > 0:10:47because he's appalling at his job, and they all hate him.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Yes, this is at the National Association of Head Teachers
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Conference in Birmingham.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54What happened just before he arrived at the conference?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56They burnt an effigy of him.
0:10:56 > 0:10:57As good as, yes, er...
0:10:57 > 0:11:00- They made a...- They decided to change the curriculum to include
0:11:00 > 0:11:02anti-Gove lessons.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05They passed a vote of no confidence in his policies.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08But he made an effort. Here he is,
0:11:08 > 0:11:11asking what it is that's making head teachers so stressful.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14I think the first thing that we can do is to engage the profession
0:11:14 > 0:11:17and to find out what are the drivers of the stress that you record.
0:11:17 > 0:11:18Erm... And I think...
0:11:18 > 0:11:20LAUGHTER
0:11:23 > 0:11:24I think that...
0:11:24 > 0:11:27I think that you're one of them, Michael.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Yes. Teachers say they are getting stressed out
0:11:29 > 0:11:32because he's introducing far too many new initiatives,
0:11:32 > 0:11:34and that it's like trying to...
0:11:34 > 0:11:36A few cheerleaders on It's A Knockout
0:11:36 > 0:11:38know what that might have been like.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43What do you hate so particularly about him?
0:11:43 > 0:11:47A lot of the things that he's done, I just think are really unhelpful,
0:11:47 > 0:11:50like there are shortages of school places, but he doesn't allow
0:11:50 > 0:11:52local authorities to open schools where they're needed.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55I also know that he's opened studio schools
0:11:55 > 0:11:58which are for 14- to 19-year-olds and they're run by businesses
0:11:58 > 0:12:00and then that business doesn't have to teach the full curriculum
0:12:00 > 0:12:03and under-16-year-olds will work for free for that business,
0:12:03 > 0:12:05like, studio schools... that's not good enough.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09You know, that's like, you know, how a studio flat doesn't have any of the
0:12:09 > 0:12:13amenities you need to have a normal good life, I think a lot of his...
0:12:13 > 0:12:17- Sorry, this is really boring but... - No, it will be over soon.- Exactly.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20I know this isn't Question Time,
0:12:20 > 0:12:24but I think it's a problem and I know that you're not a Dimbleby,
0:12:24 > 0:12:27you're very smart but you're not quite a Dimbleby...
0:12:27 > 0:12:29JOSIE: Oh, what?!
0:12:29 > 0:12:32This is the Tory education policy right here, mate.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36The Dimblebys have a monopoly on some public service broadcasting,
0:12:36 > 0:12:40but Michael Gove was very brave, he went to...
0:12:40 > 0:12:42I think you've explained that jolly well, Jacob.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45APPLAUSE
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Is Michael Gove shocked and upset by the reception he got?
0:12:48 > 0:12:51- No, he loved it.- We can watch him.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55We work in the culture of fear, not one of working together.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57LENGTHY APPLAUSE
0:13:06 > 0:13:10We had a wonderful and frank dialogue between a group of head teachers
0:13:10 > 0:13:14and myself, which I very much enjoyed.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17OK, let's have a quick test on Michael Gove,
0:13:17 > 0:13:19so turn your papers over now.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Michael Gove recently claimed that survey after survey showed
0:13:22 > 0:13:24that teenagers had a poor historical knowledge.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26On what surveys has he based this claim?
0:13:26 > 0:13:29UK Gold and Premier Inn and they weren't surveys of pupils,
0:13:29 > 0:13:33they were just surveys of watchers of the TV show and guests in the hotel.
0:13:33 > 0:13:34Correct. Next question.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37He recently wrote to his old French teacher to apologise. What for?
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Messing around at the back of the class and making his job difficult.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44For indulging in pathetic showing-off, being cocksure
0:13:44 > 0:13:47and coming up with clever dick questions in class.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51That's hard to believe, isn't it? Here's a young Michael Gove.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Jacob, you were quite forward as child.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58How old were you when you wrote your first letter to the Financial Times?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00I don't know that I've written a letter to the Financial Times.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02I was told you were 12. We have a picture of you
0:14:02 > 0:14:06here, look. There we are. 12-year-old Jacob.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Aww.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10- Yes, thank you.- OK.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Back to the quiz, back to our exciting quiz.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Michael Gove would relish that picture.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17That's what all youngsters of that age should be doing -
0:14:17 > 0:14:18reading the FT.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22I don't know that youngsters should model themselves on me, actually.
0:14:22 > 0:14:23I've never held myself up as a role model.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27Oh, you're underselling yourself. I don't think I am. I really don't.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Did you write a leader for the Financial Times?
0:14:29 > 0:14:31I-I-I didn't, no.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33I did something slightly different -
0:14:33 > 0:14:34I went to shareholders' meetings
0:14:34 > 0:14:37but I didn't write letters to the Financial Times.
0:14:37 > 0:14:38- At 12 years old? - Yes.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40- And how did that come about?
0:14:40 > 0:14:42I had been given a little bit of money,
0:14:42 > 0:14:44birthday present, by my father...
0:14:44 > 0:14:47- Oh, and you didn't buy a bike, you bought shares in...
0:14:47 > 0:14:48Yes.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50When we say, "A little bit of money,"
0:14:50 > 0:14:51are we talking six figures here?
0:14:51 > 0:14:52No, no, no, no.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56No, no. I think it was £150. It was not...
0:14:56 > 0:14:58But in 1890, that was quite...
0:14:58 > 0:14:59LAUGHTER
0:15:01 > 0:15:05Can you identify the third actor in this scene from a 1995 film
0:15:05 > 0:15:07starring Christopher Lee and Robert Hardy,
0:15:07 > 0:15:10set in a boarding school and called A Feast At Midnight?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Why do they call you "Raptor"?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16You know perfectly well, Headmaster.
0:15:17 > 0:15:18I...
0:15:18 > 0:15:24Oh, yes. You mean the film The Dinosaur.
0:15:24 > 0:15:25BUZZER
0:15:25 > 0:15:27It's Michael.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28It's Jacob.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31It's not... No. It's obviously Michael.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32I knew he'd done that, actually.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34- Did you? He's quite good.- Yes.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36- With just a glance. - It's amazing, isn't it?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38- He's quite good? - That's a good glance.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Look at that. He's very impressive.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42How come...?
0:15:42 > 0:15:44He could have had an alternative career, had he wanted.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Oh, how we wish.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50How come he's a vicar at his age?
0:15:52 > 0:15:53On the subject of questions,
0:15:53 > 0:15:55according to Michael Deacon of the Times,
0:15:55 > 0:15:58how did Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt answer an urgent question
0:15:58 > 0:16:01in the Commons about the current crisis facing A&E departments?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- BUZZER - Ian.
0:16:03 > 0:16:08He said, "I have to ask Mr Murdoch." Oh, no, that was his old job.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11He's in charge of health now, which is much safer.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15I think that's a good way of promoting people, don't you, Jacob?
0:16:15 > 0:16:19- When they've been spectacularly... - Awful.- ..awful.- Incompetent.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20All good words.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22They may be good words,
0:16:22 > 0:16:24but they're used in the wrong space if I may say so.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Oh, really? Have I got the word Hunt wrong?
0:16:29 > 0:16:34He behaved with great propriety over the whole Murdoch affair.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36- You can't believe that. - I do believe that.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40- You're perfectly reasonable some of the time.- Thank you.
0:16:40 > 0:16:41But I really do believe that.
0:16:41 > 0:16:47Well, it's a good thing he convinced one viewer at the Leveson Enquiry
0:16:47 > 0:16:50which was you, which was excellent.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52And Lord Justice Leveson, actually, who clearly...
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Lord Justice Leveson got pretty much everything else
0:16:54 > 0:16:57wrong in his report, but he was right about Jeremy Hunt.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Dangerously, I'm going to start agreeing with you.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Well, yes, yeah, yeah.
0:17:01 > 0:17:02But not over that detail.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Right, he's in charge of the Health Service now.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07So how did he answer an urgent question in the Commons
0:17:07 > 0:17:08about the current crisis?
0:17:08 > 0:17:12He said, "I can't answer this, will you ring 111?"
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Well, no, he answered, but he answered with more questions.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16Michael Deacon writes...
0:17:27 > 0:17:29After being told by the Speaker
0:17:29 > 0:17:30to answer questions not to ask them,
0:17:30 > 0:17:31Jeremy Hunt replied...
0:17:35 > 0:17:36Finally, back to education
0:17:36 > 0:17:38and the news that Major Tim Peake
0:17:38 > 0:17:40is to become Britain's first official astronaut?
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Brave, intelligent, about take immense risks in the name
0:17:43 > 0:17:47of science, did anyone see what Paxman put him through on Newsnight?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49- Yes.- Look at this.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Now what are we going to get for the 60 million that's being
0:17:52 > 0:17:56spent on putting you up there? What are you actually going to do?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58- Science predominantly. - But what science?
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- Don't you think it might be a bit boring up there?- Not at all.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04But you're just drifting around, aren't you?
0:18:04 > 0:18:07You just seem to be up there nowadays playing the guitar,
0:18:07 > 0:18:13I mean...it's not what many people would recognise as a taxing job.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15- Thank you very much indeed. Thanks.- Thank you.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Yes, this is Education Secretary Michael Gove,
0:18:21 > 0:18:22who was given a vote of no confidence
0:18:22 > 0:18:24by the National Association of Head Teachers.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27When asked by the Mail if he wanted to be Prime Minister,
0:18:27 > 0:18:28Mr Gove replied...
0:18:29 > 0:18:33Mind you, that hasn't stopped him from being Education Minister.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36A ten-year-old girl has written to the Education Secretary,
0:18:36 > 0:18:38pointing out that, in a recent exam paper,
0:18:38 > 0:18:41punctuation was used incorrectly on three occasions,
0:18:41 > 0:18:42proving what we've all suspected -
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Michael Gove doesn't know his colon from his elbow.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49And so to round two, the picture spin quiz.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57- BUZZER - Yes, Paul?
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Well, the word "Google" and the coin probably is indicating that
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Google are expected to pay more tax than they have been in the past.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06That is the news that Google executive Matt Brittin
0:19:06 > 0:19:08- was dragged...- That's him there. - Is that him there?
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Yes, he's looking at the total tax paid by Google last year.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15The chairman of the Public Accounts Committee gave them a very bad time.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17She's been recalling people.
0:19:17 > 0:19:18It's Parliament in action,
0:19:18 > 0:19:22suggesting people should pay their taxes. It's actually a cheery story.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Well, she was obsessed by why Brittin lives in Britain
0:19:24 > 0:19:27and not in Ireland with its low taxes. She asks him...
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Look, Margaret, nobody wants to live in Ireland.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42What terrifying weapon did Ed Miliband hit Google with
0:19:42 > 0:19:44- this week? - International cooperation.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47He brought up the issue of tax at Google's Big Tent conference.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51Whilst doing this, he landed the tax avoiders this body blow.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55I want to start, as they say on Have I Got News For You, with four
0:19:55 > 0:19:59pictures and I want to ask you who you think the odd-one-out this?
0:19:59 > 0:20:00The answer's you, Ed.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04David Cameron let Google off very lightly this week.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08Yes, Google came to see him, Eric Schmidt who is the CEO, and he
0:20:08 > 0:20:09went to visit Cameron the week
0:20:09 > 0:20:12when all this Google stuff is becoming quite current,
0:20:12 > 0:20:15but he didn't think it would be tactful to bring it up and then
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Eric Schmidt tried to leave Downing Street through the back entrance...
0:20:18 > 0:20:20- That's right. - ..as though he hadn't been there.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22He DID leave through the back entrance.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24How stupid of me to say, "He tried."
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Did he claim the entrance was in Switzerland?
0:20:28 > 0:20:29And in other taking-the-piss news,
0:20:29 > 0:20:32how much are professional beggars earning a year
0:20:32 > 0:20:33we're told this week?
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Er, I don't know, £10 million a year, eight quid,
0:20:37 > 0:20:39somewhere in-between.
0:20:39 > 0:20:40Exactly right.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42In fact, it's such a lucrative business
0:20:42 > 0:20:44that according to the Sun...
0:20:47 > 0:20:52- Where's that happening? Nowhere. - Almost certainly nowhere.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55This is tax avoidance by multi-nationals.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Ed Miliband has attacked Google for its tax arrangements.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Interestingly if you type "Ed Miliband" into Google, it suggests,
0:21:00 > 0:21:02"Did you mean David?"
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Also, this week, a US committee
0:21:04 > 0:21:06criticised the amount of tax Apple pays.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08As a company, Apple has always
0:21:08 > 0:21:10prided itself on encouraging their creatives,
0:21:10 > 0:21:13especially those in the accounts department.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17So fingers on buzzers, teams. Another spinning picture.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21BUZZER
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Oh, yes. The Church of England
0:21:24 > 0:21:26have agreed that swans can marry helicopters.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30They thought the issue of the wings and the rotary blades
0:21:30 > 0:21:33was incompatible. One's going like that, one's going like that -
0:21:33 > 0:21:34two different worlds.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37But, no, they've found on that does that simultaneously,
0:21:37 > 0:21:39so they're both happy. Is this the priest
0:21:39 > 0:21:42- who's got an organ growing out of his head?- No.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44This is the news that swan named Whooper has
0:21:44 > 0:21:47- fallen in love with a helicopter. - No, it hasn't.- No, it has.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Does anyone know where this great romance has unfolded?
0:21:50 > 0:21:53- Yeah, in the books of JK Rowling. - No...
0:21:53 > 0:21:55The day the swan fell in love with a helicopter.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57I know, yes. When the swan was born,
0:21:57 > 0:21:58the first thing he saw was the helicopter
0:21:58 > 0:22:01and thought that was his mum, is that right? And they're going
0:22:01 > 0:22:04to get married so they don't have to pay inheritance tax.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06It happened at Les Mielles Golf Club in Jersey,
0:22:06 > 0:22:09which is where Whooper lives. According to the Times...
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Gold digger.
0:22:18 > 0:22:23How do we know this is true love, according to the Mail Online?
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Because it's not.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27It's completely made-up rubbish.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37What does it mean, "He only had eyes for..."?!
0:22:44 > 0:22:48They're extremely concerned that Whooper might become a cropper in...
0:22:48 > 0:22:49- In the chopper.- ..in the chopper.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51We've got a picture.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54- That's just a swan flying past a helicopter.- In flagrante.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57That's not proving that the two of them are in love!
0:22:57 > 0:23:00It's not a very romantic picture, is it?
0:23:00 > 0:23:03You cold, cold man.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06I think that's tabloid intrusion.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08They might be sucked up into the updraft.
0:23:08 > 0:23:09If you're lucky!
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Act it out. Be the helicopter, be the swan
0:23:16 > 0:23:18and let's see if we think it's plausible.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Yum-yum-yum-yum-yum! "You're lovely!"
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Yum-yum-yum-yum-yum! "Thank you very much."
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Yum-yum-yum-yum-yum! "Shall we go to the pictures?" "Yeah, all right."
0:23:25 > 0:23:27What a load of rubbish!
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Look at it.
0:23:29 > 0:23:33It's hardly proof of the Kennedy assassination. Look at it! Look.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38A swan's natural mate in nature is A - another swan,
0:23:38 > 0:23:40B - Ronnie Corbett,
0:23:40 > 0:23:42C - a helicopter.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47- There's always Zeus, isn't there? - Zeus, yeah.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Helen of Troy was born out of swan's egg.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52I thought you were going to say Swansea for a minute.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55She's a Cardiff girl.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57IMITATES DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
0:23:57 > 0:24:00The helicopter lands, aware that his mate is somewhere in the field.
0:24:02 > 0:24:08As the blades...circle around, the swan picks up the scent of diesel.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12And it comes loping out of the aircraft hangar...
0:24:12 > 0:24:14and straight into the blades of the helicopter.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Yes. According to the Express, the pilot is so terrified
0:24:20 > 0:24:23the besotted bird will fly into the rotors...
0:24:27 > 0:24:28A nation of animal lovers.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Sit there with a swan and you'd get 50 grand in a day!
0:24:32 > 0:24:36Why might Whooper have more luck dating a Prague tube train?
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Because a Prague tube train's more his type.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Not so... It won't go off the rails.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Is that where most people fall in love?
0:24:47 > 0:24:49The company that runs the underground there
0:24:49 > 0:24:51is proposing a singles-only carriage...
0:24:58 > 0:25:00He's already got a helicopter to himself.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Why does he need to go and share a train with a bunch of other people?
0:25:03 > 0:25:05He's in there with that.
0:25:05 > 0:25:09Why is no-one finding love in a Guildford library?
0:25:09 > 0:25:10Cos they've closed it down.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12No, because according to the Telegraph...
0:25:20 > 0:25:23One man came as Mr Darcy, one man came as Rhett Butler
0:25:23 > 0:25:25but unfortunately, the convincing-looking
0:25:25 > 0:25:29Stig of the Dump turned out to be a urine-soaked tramp.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32So, yes, this is a swan at an airport in Jersey that has fallen
0:25:32 > 0:25:34- in love with a helicopter. - No, it hasn't.- Meanwhile...
0:25:35 > 0:25:37- It hasn't at all.- I believe it.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39You are the editor of Private Eye?!
0:25:41 > 0:25:43I'm incredibly gullible.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Er, so fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52BUZZER
0:25:52 > 0:25:55- It's about meat pies setting off smoke alarms.- You're very close.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Am I? Meat pies, Yorkshire puddings, smoke alarms, fire alarms.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01- Fire alarms.- Creme brulee.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Creme brul...argh!
0:26:03 > 0:26:06It's the news that a spate of Merseyside fires has been
0:26:06 > 0:26:09started by Eccles cakes.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13Yes, I should explain, Jacob, Eccles, it's a place in the north.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16According to James Murphy,
0:26:16 > 0:26:19the watch manager at Crosby Fire Station... Good evening.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Yeah, in a nuclear reactor.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Anyone guess what the headline was in the Liverpool Echo?
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Heat it.
0:26:33 > 0:26:34AUDIENCE GROANS
0:26:34 > 0:26:38Don't groan, that's brilliant. Journalism at its finest.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Another scandal, this time a little bit closer to Jacob's home,
0:26:41 > 0:26:43to do with caviar.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47Oh, yes, I did see that. Um, it was...
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Luckily, your butler brought you the paper.
0:26:50 > 0:26:55No, no, they did some DNA testing on caviar in some very smart
0:26:55 > 0:26:59restaurant and it turned out they were being sold a less good
0:26:59 > 0:27:02quality caviar but nobody could spot the difference.
0:27:02 > 0:27:03You're absolutely right.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06I had a friend who went a bought a whole barrel of caviar.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10He went to a street market and someone said, "This is fantastic."
0:27:10 > 0:27:13He said, "I'll give you a whole barrel for 20 quid," or whatever
0:27:13 > 0:27:17it is, got it home, tucked in and found he'd been sold ball bearings.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21I just love the idea that he would go out with someone
0:27:21 > 0:27:24and they'd be like, "Oh, that's your classic scam, that is."
0:27:24 > 0:27:27You know I've come on here because you kindly sent me Creme Eggs
0:27:27 > 0:27:29cos I'd said I liked them. It occurred to me...
0:27:29 > 0:27:31God, I didn't think you had to be bribed to come.
0:27:31 > 0:27:32I should have said I liked caviar
0:27:32 > 0:27:35because then I might have got a pot of caviar which would have been...
0:27:35 > 0:27:37You just wait.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39We should have you on more often. Look at this.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43- There you are. There's a taste for... You take that.- Thank you.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46And a second. There we are for you.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49You can taste the difference, see if you can spot the...
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Oh, my God!
0:27:51 > 0:27:52Didn't happen!
0:27:53 > 0:27:56I've just never handled caviar before.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58- JOSIE: Oh, my God! - What do you reckon?
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Which is the real...which is the better one and which is the...
0:28:01 > 0:28:05- B's the best one. - This one's mint sauce.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08- I think A is the more expensive. - JOSIE: Yeah.
0:28:08 > 0:28:09I think A is nicer.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12- A is nicer. Jacob? - I think A is the more expensive.
0:28:12 > 0:28:16You're absolutely right. There we are.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Shall I take those back?
0:28:20 > 0:28:22JOSIE: It's good, isn't it?
0:28:22 > 0:28:25When I was on Desert Island Discs, which was a very long time ago...
0:28:25 > 0:28:27- Were you somebody's luxury?- Yeah.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29He was somebody's luxury.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32APPLAUSE
0:28:32 > 0:28:37- They said what's your luxury and I chose Frosties...- Hmm.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40..cos I lived on them at that stage and Frosties sent me
0:28:40 > 0:28:45a year's supply and my wife said, "You're an idiot.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48"Why didn't you say BMW?"
0:28:49 > 0:28:51What were you going to have on your Frosties?
0:28:51 > 0:28:53Yeah, it's got no milk on a desert island...
0:28:53 > 0:28:55- Coconut milk.- Ah.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57How do you get into the coconut?
0:28:57 > 0:29:00With a knife I've fashioned from my own tibia.
0:29:03 > 0:29:07Yes, this is the warning not to heat up Eccles cakes in your microwave.
0:29:07 > 0:29:10The Eccles cake warning came from a fire station manager
0:29:10 > 0:29:11in Liverpool, although the most common
0:29:11 > 0:29:15cause of a fire in on Merseyside is static electricity from shell suits.
0:29:17 > 0:29:19Meanwhile, cheap,
0:29:19 > 0:29:22inferior caviar is being passed off as top-grade Sevruga caviar.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25At last, a food scandal that affects us all.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29- Or is it just you and me? - The two of us.
0:29:29 > 0:29:31OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:29:36 > 0:29:37BUZZER
0:29:37 > 0:29:38Ah, now.
0:29:38 > 0:29:42I think this is...is this about the guy that's brought out
0:29:42 > 0:29:44a guide on how you can quickly sort of subvert these numbers...
0:29:44 > 0:29:46- Exactly right. - That's exactly what it is?
0:29:46 > 0:29:49And he's worked it out and he's published this very useful information
0:29:49 > 0:29:52so if you're phoning somebody like, I don't know, BT or whoever it is,
0:29:52 > 0:29:55he pressed these numbers and it gets you through quickly,
0:29:55 > 0:29:58- saves you loads of time. Is that the guy?- It is exactly right.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00The man is called Nigel Clarke from Fawkham, Kent.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02Did he used to be the speaking clock?
0:30:05 > 0:30:06- Can you skip the music? - You can skip...
0:30:06 > 0:30:08So when they put Pachelbel's Canon on...
0:30:08 > 0:30:10- That's the only reason why I phone. - What?
0:30:10 > 0:30:12I only just phone them for the music.
0:30:12 > 0:30:14When I get through to somebody, I say,
0:30:14 > 0:30:16"You've just ruined the song, thank you."
0:30:16 > 0:30:17Confuses them.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19If you dial up Aviva Insurance
0:30:19 > 0:30:22and you're placed in a queue for longer than five minutes,
0:30:22 > 0:30:24he's discovered that if you press option three,
0:30:24 > 0:30:28according to the guide, you can switch the music to jazz and swing.
0:30:28 > 0:30:32If you prefer pop, press four, and Jacob, for industrial dubstep,
0:30:32 > 0:30:36- it's five.- I must confess I've never heard of that.- No.- Mm.
0:30:36 > 0:30:40- I suspect they've probably never heard of you either.- No, no.
0:30:40 > 0:30:43- Yes.- It's one of our major industries.
0:30:43 > 0:30:45- Industrial dubstep.- Is it?
0:30:46 > 0:30:50Not in Somerset, it isn't. I don't think we do that down there.
0:30:50 > 0:30:52Oh, there's a dubstep factory near you, I promise you.
0:30:52 > 0:30:56Why might this man have a similarly high boredom threshold to
0:30:56 > 0:30:57that of Nigel Clarke?
0:30:58 > 0:31:03Is he trying to invent the mobile telephone as it appeared in 1984?
0:31:03 > 0:31:06He is Neil Brittlebank and according to the Sun...
0:31:11 > 0:31:13Mr Brittlebank told the Metro...
0:31:14 > 0:31:17- Yes.- At which point, the reporter put one in each pocket
0:31:17 > 0:31:18and jumped into a canal.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22Michael Hammett of the British Brick Society said...
0:31:24 > 0:31:28Because some collections of bricks can actually be quite dull.
0:31:29 > 0:31:32And finally, the Daily Mail printed some pictures of inventions
0:31:32 > 0:31:35that never caught on which are part of a new collection.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38- Would you like to see what those are?- Yeah, absolutely.
0:31:38 > 0:31:42JACOB: That's a pram in the war, isn't it, with a gas mask,
0:31:42 > 0:31:44- effectively.- A gas-resistant pram, absolutely right.
0:31:44 > 0:31:48Also air-resistant by the look of it.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51Didn't people have gas masks for an air raid so that person's gone,
0:31:51 > 0:31:55"Ooh, it's an air raid, I'll just take the baby out."
0:31:55 > 0:31:56And there's this.
0:31:58 > 0:32:01That is a piano specially designed for the bed-bound.
0:32:01 > 0:32:06Well, it's crushing her. No wonder she can't get out of the bed.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08They should put that on the Chopin channel.
0:32:08 > 0:32:10AUDIENCE GROANS
0:32:10 > 0:32:12I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
0:32:12 > 0:32:15And finally, this. Do you want to know what that's for?
0:32:15 > 0:32:19Is it for those who couldn't afford the mascot that came with Rolls-Royces?
0:32:19 > 0:32:24- A Spirit Of Ecstasy?- Eh, no, it was used in Paris for picking up drunks.
0:32:24 > 0:32:27One was used this week on the M1 for George Michael.
0:32:27 > 0:32:29AUDIENCE GROANS
0:32:29 > 0:32:30Did anyone see how the Sun covered the
0:32:30 > 0:32:33- George-Michael-falling-out-of-a-car story?- Yes, absolutely.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41Yes, this is a new guide which helps you bypass automated
0:32:41 > 0:32:42menus on the phone.
0:32:42 > 0:32:45The dialling shortcut to report a water leak to
0:32:45 > 0:32:46Lloyds TSB Insurance is...
0:32:48 > 0:32:50To buy a television from Argos, it's...
0:32:52 > 0:32:54And if you've bought a faulty microphone from Currys,
0:32:54 > 0:32:56it's one, two, one, two, one, two.
0:32:57 > 0:33:01Which means, at the end of this round, Ian and Josie have two,
0:33:01 > 0:33:03- Paul and Jacob have four.- No! Yes!
0:33:12 > 0:33:15Right, time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:33:15 > 0:33:17Ian and Josie, your four are...
0:33:17 > 0:33:21Energy Minister Greg Barker and his sausage dog Otto,
0:33:21 > 0:33:22Clint Eastwood,
0:33:22 > 0:33:24Jacob Rees-Mogg
0:33:24 > 0:33:27and a customer in McDonald's in Cork.
0:33:27 > 0:33:29They're all lovers of McDonald's.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31Jacob in particular.
0:33:31 > 0:33:34JACOB: Yes, absolutely. Jolly good stuff.
0:33:34 > 0:33:38OK, I know that you are 100% in favour of privatising
0:33:38 > 0:33:40the postal service.
0:33:40 > 0:33:42So if we can find out that two of these other people
0:33:42 > 0:33:46are in favour of really overpriced...
0:33:46 > 0:33:51- So, what we are saying is he is a Tory.- Yeah.
0:33:51 > 0:33:53- JACOB: I may know what it is.- Oh, tell me.
0:33:53 > 0:33:56I was upbraided at Lords last week for putting my feet on the seats.
0:33:56 > 0:34:01The dog of Greg Barker had a cushion warmed in the microwave
0:34:01 > 0:34:06in his ministry and I don't know about the other two.
0:34:06 > 0:34:09In McDonald's in Cork did somebody put their feet on the counter
0:34:09 > 0:34:11or on a chair or was thrown out for not wearing any shoes?
0:34:11 > 0:34:14You are on the right track. Chairs is what it is all about.
0:34:14 > 0:34:16- Clint had a conversation with a chair.- That's one.
0:34:16 > 0:34:19- You were ticked off by stewards. - A steward. Just the one.
0:34:19 > 0:34:21It didn't take a bevy of them.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23What were you doing putting your feet on a seat?
0:34:23 > 0:34:26Well, they're quite cramped. There's not a lot of space.
0:34:26 > 0:34:28Wasn't there an urchin somewhere...?
0:34:28 > 0:34:29LAUGHTER
0:34:29 > 0:34:30Who do you think is the odd one out?
0:34:30 > 0:34:33OK, let's go for the obvious one - Jacob.
0:34:33 > 0:34:34No.
0:34:34 > 0:34:37- It's the customer in Cork. - It's absolutely not that either.
0:34:37 > 0:34:38It's the bloke with the dog.
0:34:38 > 0:34:41JACOB: It's the dog because Greg Barker didn't do
0:34:41 > 0:34:44anything to do with seats but the dog did it.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47You're absolutely right. The dog had a cushion.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49JOSIE: I'm really sorry. I thought I had it.
0:34:49 > 0:34:52The McDonald's customer in Cork found himself in a rather
0:34:52 > 0:34:55embarrassing predicament when he got stuck in a baby highchair.
0:34:55 > 0:34:56There's a picture of him.
0:34:56 > 0:34:58There he is. McMoron.
0:35:00 > 0:35:04The man was finally rescued but not before he had crushed his McNuggets.
0:35:04 > 0:35:07The Hollywood legend that is Clint Eastwood.
0:35:07 > 0:35:10What did Clint say he was thinking behind this ad-libbed speech
0:35:10 > 0:35:14- to an empty chair?- The president was not effectively holding office.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17It was as though there was no-one in government.
0:35:17 > 0:35:20According to the Telegraph, Clint said it was supposed to be...
0:35:21 > 0:35:25He doesn't even know what his name is any more.
0:35:25 > 0:35:29Jacob, what of yours was longer than anyone else's in Parliament?
0:35:29 > 0:35:31LAUGHTER
0:35:31 > 0:35:35- Floccinaucinihilipilification, I've got a feeling that is.- Yes.
0:35:35 > 0:35:38Meaning, of course, the estimation of something as valueless.
0:35:38 > 0:35:41- That's absolutely right, yes. - It was the longest word in Hansard.
0:35:41 > 0:35:43It has since been beaten by the length of the "boo"
0:35:43 > 0:35:46whenever George Osborne starts to speak.
0:35:46 > 0:35:48Jacob Rees-Mogg also stirred controversy
0:35:48 > 0:35:51when it was revealed that he and the King of Spain
0:35:51 > 0:35:53had their own special loo to sit on in Claridges.
0:35:53 > 0:35:54Jacob explained...
0:35:57 > 0:35:59- JACOB: That's pretty true.- Adding...
0:36:01 > 0:36:02LAUGHTER
0:36:04 > 0:36:06I don't know if you have heard but being a member of the public
0:36:06 > 0:36:09is not strictly speaking a disability.
0:36:11 > 0:36:13Oh, dear. Yes.
0:36:13 > 0:36:17- Paul and Jacob, here are yours. - Oh, it's our turn, is it?
0:36:17 > 0:36:19Grandpa from The Munsters,
0:36:19 > 0:36:20an owl's face,
0:36:20 > 0:36:21Dan Brown
0:36:21 > 0:36:23and Ali the turtle.
0:36:23 > 0:36:27The owl does look like he's got his face on upside down.
0:36:27 > 0:36:29Ali the turtle, I don't... Dan Brown has got another book out.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31He wrote The Da Vinci Code.
0:36:31 > 0:36:33What is interesting about the owl? That's a good clue.
0:36:33 > 0:36:36He's meant to look like his head is upside down but is that...?
0:36:36 > 0:36:39- Upside down is a good tack. - A good way to look at it.
0:36:39 > 0:36:41Ah, yes, cos bats hang upside down, don't they?
0:36:41 > 0:36:44So Grandpa as a vampire would go to sleep upside down.
0:36:44 > 0:36:47JOSIE: I know that Dan Brown hangs upside down.
0:36:47 > 0:36:49- That is his cure for writer's block.- Is right, yeah.
0:36:49 > 0:36:52JACOB: The turtle is odd one out because it had its back
0:36:52 > 0:36:55- opened and weights put in so it would sink.- Absolutely right. Yes.
0:36:55 > 0:36:57They all hang upside down. Well done.
0:36:57 > 0:36:59APPLAUSE
0:37:00 > 0:37:03They all hang upside down apart from Ali the turtle,
0:37:03 > 0:37:06who has been fitted with a special belt so she doesn't turn
0:37:06 > 0:37:07upside down whilst in water.
0:37:07 > 0:37:09Do you know why she was turning upside down?
0:37:09 > 0:37:12She got an infection, I think. Got a bit of air in her back.
0:37:12 > 0:37:15She was hit by a boat. An air bubble, yeah. An air bubble
0:37:15 > 0:37:18under her shell. Using a scuba diver's weight belt,
0:37:18 > 0:37:20the Weymouth Sealife Centre has found a way to keep her upright.
0:37:20 > 0:37:23Experiments are now being carried out to see
0:37:23 > 0:37:26if the same technology will, in fact, work for George Michael.
0:37:26 > 0:37:28Here is the turtle with the belt.
0:37:28 > 0:37:31- Oh, yes.- Oh, God. I'm going to beg with a turtle now.
0:37:32 > 0:37:35The marine biologist responsible says he got the idea
0:37:35 > 0:37:39when disposing of an unwanted puppy at Christmas.
0:37:39 > 0:37:42Dan Brown has revealed that to cure writer's block he hangs
0:37:42 > 0:37:45upside down and after reading one paragraph of Dan Brown
0:37:45 > 0:37:48I usually want to hang myself the right way up.
0:37:48 > 0:37:51Dan Brown's new book Inferno is now in the shops.
0:37:51 > 0:37:53According to the Sunday Times...
0:37:57 > 0:38:02But not one of them has been able to translate it into decent English.
0:38:02 > 0:38:04Which means, at the end of this round,
0:38:04 > 0:38:05- it's two to Ian and Josie...- Still?
0:38:05 > 0:38:08..and six to Paul and Jacob.
0:38:08 > 0:38:10JOSIE: I thought I'd got it.
0:38:11 > 0:38:12Two?!
0:38:14 > 0:38:17We've done even worse.
0:38:17 > 0:38:19Time now for the missing words round.
0:38:19 > 0:38:21This week's guest publication is Psychic Today.
0:38:21 > 0:38:25I have to say I really did enjoy next September's issue.
0:38:25 > 0:38:26And we start with...
0:38:29 > 0:38:31- It's not jail, is it?- No.- Good.
0:38:37 > 0:38:39Space, coincidentally,
0:38:39 > 0:38:43being a place where you really do need to tie your kangaroo down.
0:38:43 > 0:38:44Next.
0:38:46 > 0:38:48JACOB: It's alcohol-fuelled.
0:38:48 > 0:38:49- Too boozy.- Too boozy.
0:38:49 > 0:38:51Absolutely right. Boozy is the right word.
0:38:51 > 0:38:53Drunk MPs actually deserve our sympathy as,
0:38:53 > 0:38:56when they stagger out of one of Parliament's bars, they then have
0:38:56 > 0:39:01the extra problem of remembering which of their homes to go back to.
0:39:01 > 0:39:02Next.
0:39:03 > 0:39:06Apparently he was in the pub one lunchtime and drank some beer
0:39:06 > 0:39:09and then was like, "Ooh." Started going all funny.
0:39:09 > 0:39:12He went into a church and saw a swan getting married to a helicopter.
0:39:12 > 0:39:15"I'm never having any more of that again," he said.
0:39:15 > 0:39:16Signed the pledge.
0:39:19 > 0:39:22Ben Fogle reckons his drink may have been spiked by Russian agents,
0:39:22 > 0:39:25who could have mistaken him for CIA spy Ryan Fogle.
0:39:25 > 0:39:28Sounds far-fetched until you learn that Russian TV has just
0:39:28 > 0:39:31asked Ryan Fogle to present Crufts.
0:39:31 > 0:39:32Next.
0:39:33 > 0:39:35JOSIE: Severe punishments for psychics
0:39:35 > 0:39:38and we wish we didn't know about it.
0:39:38 > 0:39:39What will it bring?
0:39:42 > 0:39:43According to the Daily Mail...
0:39:46 > 0:39:49If only they had the Daily Mail.
0:39:50 > 0:39:52And finally...
0:39:53 > 0:39:56JACOB: There's a James Bond film about that
0:39:56 > 0:39:58but I can't remember the ones that come out. She draws the pack.
0:39:58 > 0:40:01- Live And Let Die.- Live And Let Die. - Can you sing the theme tune?
0:40:01 > 0:40:05- I'm not going to do that now, no. - Oh, go on.- No, no, no, no.
0:40:05 > 0:40:08Modernising Tory party? Sing the theme tune.
0:40:10 > 0:40:11It is...
0:40:11 > 0:40:13- The two of cups? - JACOB: And what does that mean?
0:40:13 > 0:40:16The two of cups is the second most powerful card in the tarot deck.
0:40:16 > 0:40:19Just below the ace of crap.
0:40:19 > 0:40:21HE MOUTHS
0:40:21 > 0:40:23And so, the final scores are
0:40:23 > 0:40:24Ian and Josie on four
0:40:24 > 0:40:25but Paul and Jacob on six.
0:40:25 > 0:40:27APPLAUSE
0:40:27 > 0:40:28Well done.
0:40:33 > 0:40:36But before we go, there is just time for the caption competition.
0:40:36 > 0:40:39Rural communities more relaxed about gay marriage
0:40:39 > 0:40:42than people who live in towns.
0:40:42 > 0:40:43And I leave you with news that
0:40:43 > 0:40:45midway through her Eurovision performance,
0:40:45 > 0:40:47Bonnie Tyler glances towards the wings
0:40:47 > 0:40:50in search of a supportive gesture from her family.
0:40:52 > 0:40:54Before leaping off a cliff,
0:40:54 > 0:40:56a group of lemmings decide to enjoy one last meal.
0:40:56 > 0:40:58AUDIENCE: Aw.
0:40:58 > 0:41:01- Oh, God. - JACOB: They are animal lovers.
0:41:01 > 0:41:04There's your menagerie. I've got to add a lemming now.
0:41:04 > 0:41:07You want that 200 quid a day.
0:41:07 > 0:41:08You want a lemming on the edge of a cliff,
0:41:08 > 0:41:12- a goose looking at a helicopter... - JACOB: A swan.- A swan, yeah.
0:41:12 > 0:41:13I'll try a goose.
0:41:13 > 0:41:15Yeah, goose, swan.
0:41:15 > 0:41:18And in Liverpool, animal rights activists complain that John Bishop
0:41:18 > 0:41:21has forced his dog to undergo unnecessary veterinary procedures.
0:41:24 > 0:41:26Good night.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd