0:00:36 > 0:00:38Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You,
0:00:38 > 0:00:39I'm Frank Skinner.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42In the news this week, BBC Breakfast presenters
0:00:42 > 0:00:46discuss a busy morning interviewing Bernie Ecclestone and his wife.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51LAUGHTER
0:00:51 > 0:00:55At a hotel in Morecambe, with a party of Scots arriving,
0:00:55 > 0:00:59staff quickly hide any material that may offend them.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02LAUGHTER
0:01:02 > 0:01:04And in Doncaster, Mrs Ivy Hinchcliffe
0:01:04 > 0:01:07still hasn't come home from bingo.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11LAUGHTER
0:01:13 > 0:01:14AUDIENCE: Aww.
0:01:15 > 0:01:20On Ian's team tonight is a comedian and former political advisor
0:01:20 > 0:01:23for the Labour Party who does an impression of Tony Blair.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26In fact he's so good, he managed to get his fee
0:01:26 > 0:01:29for tonight's appearance up to half a million quid.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Please welcome Matt Forde.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32APPLAUSE
0:01:35 > 0:01:38And with Paul tonight is an actor and comedian
0:01:38 > 0:01:41who lists his hobbies as tea tasting,
0:01:41 > 0:01:43fly-fishing and cricket.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47The last time he saw his doctor he tested negative for adrenaline.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Please welcome Miles Jupp.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52APPLAUSE
0:01:52 > 0:01:55SPEECH INAUDIBLE
0:01:56 > 0:01:59And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Ian and Matt, take a look at this.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03It's the, er, bell end.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07That's the Chancellor going underground.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10This is the spending review. It's a triumph for the Chancellor.
0:02:10 > 0:02:15He's announced that he's got a fifth of the spending already sorted out.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Which is brilliant, so only 80% of it yet to do.
0:02:18 > 0:02:23So far, the deficit this year is right down to 120 billion.
0:02:23 > 0:02:28That's £120 billion we've borrowed more than we've earned.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31So you can see we're really getting to grips with the debt,
0:02:31 > 0:02:37and we're not at all bankrupt...except a lot.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40So health spending will be unaffected by budget cuts.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Why is that particularly welcome this week?
0:02:43 > 0:02:47So that A&Es aren't even more stressed?
0:02:47 > 0:02:50- Mm.- Even fuller?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- Yes, the research into operation timings suggests...- Oh, yes!
0:02:53 > 0:02:57..you are more at risk of dying in hospital on a Friday.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00So if you're watching this on repeat, well done.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Yeah, you've got to go in on a Monday.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06And then the probability goes down.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Until the weekend, when everyone's off.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10It's terrifying.
0:03:10 > 0:03:15It's DIY, Saturday. They literally give you the tools.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18What's the latest thing to make people feel poorly?
0:03:18 > 0:03:23This is back into the financial area of things.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25It's money.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27If you eat coins, do you throw up?
0:03:27 > 0:03:31If you eat coins, do you throw up? Let's find out.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Nickel allergies are on the increase,
0:03:33 > 0:03:38and 5p and 10p coins now have four times more nickel in them
0:03:38 > 0:03:40than a year ago.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41So according to research...
0:03:48 > 0:03:51The problem's particularly bad in Yorkshire.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57And what's David Cameron been up to while all this has been going on?
0:03:57 > 0:04:00- He... He went to Ibiza.- Yes!
0:04:00 > 0:04:02How's he going to blag having gone to,
0:04:02 > 0:04:05like, one of the world's most notorious clubbing hot spots
0:04:05 > 0:04:07at a time of national crisis?
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Are there a lot of seals there?
0:04:11 > 0:04:12Don't you think it's a bit unfair?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14- What, on him?!- Yeah.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16I mean, the Prime Minister's got to have a holiday.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19It's not as though he'd do anything if he was here.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25I mean, do you feel safer with him in Ibiza or here?
0:04:27 > 0:04:30I'm not too bothered, really.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31I mean, it is unfair.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Everyone said Churchill used to go on holiday,
0:04:33 > 0:04:37in the middle of the Second World War he went off to Marrakech.
0:04:37 > 0:04:38Took swimming holidays.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42And no-one said, "Churchill, what a bastard!"
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Hitler wasn't too complimentary, but generally speaking...
0:04:45 > 0:04:50To be fair I don't think that's what Churchill meant when he said we'd fight them on the beaches.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52I don't know, he was quite a drinker on holiday.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Got a picture of the Camerons on holiday.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58- Oh, that's charming.- That's lovely.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01They're not really holiday... It's not holiday garb, is it?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Are they goths, the Camerons?
0:05:04 > 0:05:08Surely you could've worn a Hawaiian shirt or something of that nature.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Oh, can you imagine the tabloids if he'd worn a Hawaiian shirt?
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- "How sickening!" - Yeah, you're quite right.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16"Terror stalks the land and Cameron wears an amusing shirt."
0:05:17 > 0:05:20"What a bastard!"
0:05:20 > 0:05:22The press are always critical of Cameron
0:05:22 > 0:05:25for taking a holiday when there is serious issues to be dealt with.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39That is absolute proof that the Lib Dems are overly influencing this coalition.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43That's last year - the black slip-ons on the left...
0:05:43 > 0:05:48- He dresses practically. So effectively that's... - Look, whose side are you on?!
0:05:48 > 0:05:50I mean, I do think people should dress sensibly.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Got very little time for silliness, Frank.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Thank God you found a public platform for that!
0:05:57 > 0:06:00And in that shirt.
0:06:00 > 0:06:01So...
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Yes, I don't think THAT'S an appropriate shirt,
0:06:03 > 0:06:06given what's happening in the country at the moment.
0:06:06 > 0:06:07Oh, right. Well, I went to M&S and said,
0:06:07 > 0:06:11"What have you got in your satirical shirt section?
0:06:11 > 0:06:14"You wouldn't believe who I've got to impress this evening."
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Well, this is an absolutely true story - this week I went
0:06:17 > 0:06:20and bought this suit, I won't name the shop,
0:06:20 > 0:06:22and the guy said "Is it for an event?"
0:06:22 > 0:06:25and I said, "I'm hosting Have I Got News For You this week."
0:06:25 > 0:06:29And honestly, he said to me, "Oh, is there anybody big on?"
0:06:32 > 0:06:33Oh, fame...
0:06:34 > 0:06:38So, while things were stirring up in south-east London with EDL marches
0:06:38 > 0:06:41following the terror attack, what did some people on Twitter do?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43This is the trouble with Twitter.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47People get very excited very quickly, don't they?
0:06:47 > 0:06:50- And they decided to protest against EDF.- Yes.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56I thought the brilliant EDL story was not the one in London but the one in York,
0:06:56 > 0:07:01where the EDL, they marched on this mosque in York, furious men outside.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05They got to the mosque, and the people in the mosque invited them in for tea.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09And they had tea and biscuits and an impromptu game of football.
0:07:09 > 0:07:14- Yeah, that was...- And they mutually agreed that perhaps, you know,
0:07:14 > 0:07:16understanding was the way forward, and they went off.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Yeah. The Archbishop of York, John Sentamu, said...
0:07:29 > 0:07:32On the subject of political ambition,
0:07:32 > 0:07:36who did David Cameron's old spin doctor Andy Coulson warn him to beware of?
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- Old Boris Johnson.- Yes.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41It was an odd phrase, wasn't it?
0:07:41 > 0:07:43It was about - Boris won't intervene before the election,
0:07:43 > 0:07:45but he's happy for him to lose it.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Words to that effect.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Yes, this was... I mean, Andy Coulson,
0:07:48 > 0:07:52- who has been charged with various offences...- Mm.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55..but he's still allowed to give interviews in GQ.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58I mean, we're not allowed to say anything about him,
0:07:58 > 0:08:01under the laws of contempt, obviously. And I wouldn't want to.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03LAUGHTER
0:08:03 > 0:08:04Is there...?
0:08:04 > 0:08:07If we are so wary of words, is there any way you could express
0:08:07 > 0:08:10an opinion through contemporary dance?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17You'll get sued, you'll get sued.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21APPLAUSE
0:08:21 > 0:08:23At last, someone can go to prison for mime.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30Who has been quite disparaging of Boris and Cameron's youth this week?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32That woman there.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38She's suddenly realised who the father is!
0:08:41 > 0:08:46David Dimbleby was in the Bullingdon Club himself, but...
0:08:46 > 0:08:51Oh, yes, and he gave an interview. Somehow he was saying it was fine in his day.
0:08:51 > 0:08:57Which is weird, because it's always been full of...Etonians being ill.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59We haven't mentioned tax avoidance this week, so where has
0:08:59 > 0:09:03the Inland Revenue's sweetheart dealer David Hartnett found new employment?
0:09:03 > 0:09:09He's gone to Deloitte. Who represented Vodafone, and gave them a discount.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12And then a couple of years later they said, "God, he's good!"
0:09:13 > 0:09:17"Would you like a job?" I mean, it's classic revolving doors.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20This man who was supposed to be in charge of collecting tax
0:09:20 > 0:09:22in Britain has ended up working for accountants whose main job
0:09:22 > 0:09:25seems to be helping people avoid tax.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28But everyone said, "Oh, no - Mr Hartnett, distinguished public servant.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31"He must be allowed to go and have a very large job
0:09:31 > 0:09:37"with one of the accountancy firms, and he won't be dealing with tax. Oh, no, not at all."
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Time for some mime.
0:09:42 > 0:09:43Yes, that's it.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47With the economy going down the pan faster than a Chinese baby,
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- George Osborne... - AUDIENCE GROANS
0:09:49 > 0:09:51It's a happy ending.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55George Osborne is calling for further cuts.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57One minister refusing to agree to any cuts at all
0:09:57 > 0:10:01is Environment Secretary Owen Paterson. According to one colleague...
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Don't worry, Owen. You won't go down in history.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Boris Johnson was recently described by his former boss
0:10:14 > 0:10:15Conrad Black as...
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Yes, he's both cunning
0:10:19 > 0:10:22and found propped up on the pillow in many a woman's bedroom.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Paul and Miles, take a look at this.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Ah, this is Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall,
0:10:30 > 0:10:31navigating her way around the train.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33These are these bastards who come and sit with you
0:10:33 > 0:10:35even though there's loads of empty seats.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39She went to France this week, she was in Paris,
0:10:39 > 0:10:41and she made her first speech in French,
0:10:41 > 0:10:43and she was a bit nervous about it but it went very well.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Everybody was very happy,
0:10:45 > 0:10:47they said, "Oh, nobody's ever spoken French like this before,"
0:10:47 > 0:10:50it's wonderful, she's a golden creature that seems to
0:10:50 > 0:10:52bathe in heavenly light wherever she goes.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54She smokes fags as well.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57- That's correct.- It is correct.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01And before she set off she had a word with the press and sounded
0:11:01 > 0:11:04extremely confident about how well her first solo trip would go.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06- My first solo.- Brilliant.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10- My first solo. Probably my last. - No, no, no.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Yeah, and it would've been had the Duke of Edinburgh's men not
0:11:13 > 0:11:15been waiting in the wrong tunnel.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17LAUGHTER
0:11:22 > 0:11:27- I just... Sorry, I just couldn't think of a mime for it. - LAUGHTER
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Did you spot which form of transport she used to get to Paris?
0:11:30 > 0:11:35She was on a train, so unless that was wildly misleading, I'd say that's how she got there.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37- Any particular train?- The Eurostar.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40- The one that goes to Paris. - That's the one.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Here she is setting off, all looking very happy.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45And if you're wondering who's in charge of her luggage
0:11:45 > 0:11:46it's this person.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52- Why was she going to Paris exactly? - I don't know.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55It didn't really grab me at the time and my ability
0:11:55 > 0:11:58to manufacture interest in this story is woefully inadequate.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02She was there to see the work of charity Emmaus,
0:12:02 > 0:12:04- of which she is the patron. - Oh, yes.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07- Yes.- Homeless people, isn't it?
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Yeah, well, according to the Daily Mail it helps people by...
0:12:13 > 0:12:14So they phoned her.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22What did Camilla unexpectedly get from Sir Peter Ricketts?
0:12:22 > 0:12:24MATT AND IAN: Rickets.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27He bought her a fake Cartier watch she'd been admiring
0:12:27 > 0:12:31in the charity's second-hand shop. Here they are together.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33He looks very dodgy, doesn't he?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38And she looks like, "Can you get me away from this person?"
0:12:38 > 0:12:41He looks like he comes with the watch.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Has this story appeared in any other news outlet?
0:12:45 > 0:12:50I've read most papers this week. No-one else seems to have picked up on this exclusive.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52She might have gone there as a favour to the programme.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Shouldn't have bothered.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Meanwhile, what were two men in the French city of Montpelier
0:13:02 > 0:13:04the first to do?
0:13:04 > 0:13:08Ah, two gay guys in France would be the first gay couple
0:13:08 > 0:13:11to get married. Vincent and Bruno. I was staggered.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15- I had no idea Bruno was seeing other people. I mean... - INAUDIBLE
0:13:15 > 0:13:19Who pays for the ceremony in a gay wedding?
0:13:19 > 0:13:22You know traditionally it's the woman's dad?
0:13:22 > 0:13:25- Yeah, not for a while, though. - Has that gone?
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Well...unless I was particularly unlucky.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35In other royal news, how did the Queen pose for a photograph
0:13:35 > 0:13:39showing that she belonged to the Ancient Order of the Thistle?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Oh, it's a striking dramatic photograph on the Scottish moors,
0:13:42 > 0:13:45isn't it? It looks like something you should see on a tea towel.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46And will do one day.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Yes, this is the Queen in a Scottish glen.
0:13:49 > 0:13:50There we are, look at that.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52- MATT: Looking delighted. - Yeah.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56MILES: She does not know much about hill-walking, does she?
0:13:58 > 0:14:02MATT: When I said, "Take the train to Scotland," that's not what I meant.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08It was for a book called Keepers Of The Kingdom.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Foreword by Joe Hart. Not really.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17- And the Queen was...- You're looking at me as though I know who he is.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21- It's a reference to professional football, m'lud. - Thank you. Much obliged to you.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24As soon as I said that, for some reason I looked straight at you, Ian, it was
0:14:24 > 0:14:27the blankest look I've ever received.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30What did the book's author Alastair Bruce fear would
0:14:30 > 0:14:34- happen during the Queen's photoshoot at Balmoral?- Midges.- Yes.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37He thought the Queen would be put off by midges,
0:14:37 > 0:14:40and he explained there are two stages of a midge attack.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51Which is also the Queen's experience during the two halves of the Royal Variety Show.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Meanwhile, what is happening to Prince Harry?
0:14:58 > 0:15:00- He's worried that he's going to go bald.- Yes.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04- That looks like a fine head of hair to me.- Yeah.
0:15:06 > 0:15:11Finally to Prince Philip, he never lets us down. So what's his latest gaffe?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13It's a small council flat in Newport.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16APPLAUSE
0:15:19 > 0:15:24During a visit to a medical research laboratory in Cambridge he asked a Polish scientist...
0:15:29 > 0:15:32He's mellowed, hasn't he?
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Oh, dear. You'll miss him when he's not there.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39Well, I feel UKIP have filled that gap.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42So, yes, this is Camilla's first solo engagement abroad.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Camilla's trip to Paris was very successful,
0:15:44 > 0:15:47the only downside being that when she got home
0:15:47 > 0:15:50she found the floor covered in takeaway cartons and beer cans.
0:15:50 > 0:15:55Don't you hate that, girls, when your bloke's just too lazy to ring for a footman?
0:15:56 > 0:15:59France has had its first gay marriage, which sparked
0:15:59 > 0:16:01a heated national debate, and according to the Guardian...
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Including a tour by Jim Davidson.
0:16:11 > 0:16:16The next round is the Strengthometer Of News.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20Fingers on buzzers, team, here's the first one.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29We saw this picture last week, or something similar to it,
0:16:29 > 0:16:34- but now we seem to have an owl, is it? Getting married to a mop.- Yes.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37This is Lightning the owl who's in love with a mop.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40It's said the mop has really turned the owl's head.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Can you imagine how this love affair blossomed?
0:16:45 > 0:16:48It was either behind the scenes at Owl World, or...
0:16:48 > 0:16:49- Or Mopland.- Yeah.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Which is the biggest attraction of the Huddersfield area!
0:16:55 > 0:16:59Well, the owl is being hand-reared in Newquay at...
0:17:02 > 0:17:05And what's brilliant about that is that you'd assume it was
0:17:05 > 0:17:09a sanctuary for screech owls, but you would be wrong. It is in fact an owl sanctuary run by...
0:17:13 > 0:17:17Similar confusion when Lord Dangerous brought in the Dangerous Dogs Act.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Here is Lightning the owl with his new best friend.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28MILES: That looks like quite an abusive relationship.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33- He's biting her! - No, that's grooming, clearly.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Well, he's a paedophile then.
0:17:36 > 0:17:41Matt, you once dressed as a chicken, didn't you, for various reasons?
0:17:41 > 0:17:44I was working for the Labour Party at the time.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Is that compulsory?
0:17:46 > 0:17:52It was on a by-election campaign in 2004, and I would just walk around
0:17:52 > 0:17:54behind Charles Kennedy dressed as a chicken
0:17:54 > 0:17:57whilst a woman on a megaphone would go,
0:17:57 > 0:18:00"Lib Dems - soft on crime! Soft on thugs!
0:18:00 > 0:18:03"Soft on drugs!" And I would sort of dance like a chicken would...
0:18:03 > 0:18:06- Mmm- ..to music like that.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10- What happened in the by-election? - We lost the by-election.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17I suspect Charles Kennedy is watching this thinking,
0:18:17 > 0:18:19"Oh, it was real, that giant chicken!
0:18:19 > 0:18:22"I thought it was..."
0:18:22 > 0:18:26- He probably thought I was the Famous Grouse!- Exactly.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30Does everyone have to do this when you start working...?
0:18:30 > 0:18:32I mean, is it a sort of initiation thing?
0:18:32 > 0:18:35All the people at the top now, did they have a time
0:18:35 > 0:18:37when they had to dress as poultry around the East Midlands?
0:18:37 > 0:18:41Gordon Brown walked around as a pigeon for three years.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46Nothing to do with politics, it's one of his hobbies.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Fingers on buzzers.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51BUZZER
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Oh, yes, this is your mock-up...
0:18:54 > 0:18:57It's Simon Cowell and Bruce Forsyth. Bruce has made a comment
0:18:57 > 0:18:59about the young children that appear on...
0:18:59 > 0:19:03Is it Britain's Got Talent? Is that the latest version that's going at the moment?
0:19:03 > 0:19:06So yes, it seems to be like, it's quite a hard thing
0:19:06 > 0:19:08to ask these young kids to go out there and sing live
0:19:08 > 0:19:10and all that sort of thing. It's a bit of a pressure.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13And I think he's complained about that and Simon Cowell says,
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- "It makes me a load of money, I don't care."- Yes.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- It's the clash of the Saturday night titans.- Yes.
0:19:19 > 0:19:24Big Brucie vs...Super Simon.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- You don't really do tabloid, do you? - No.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30- Sorry, I'll give up now. - What's it in Latin?
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Er...
0:19:32 > 0:19:33Ad nauseam.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Yes, Bruce said...
0:19:39 > 0:19:43Although it's also wrong to put adults through an ordeal like his Strictly opening monologue.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49That's not true, Bruce. I love...
0:19:49 > 0:19:51I think Strictly without Bruce
0:19:51 > 0:19:53would be like Formula 1 without the crashes.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59I've not heard about this story before,
0:19:59 > 0:20:02but I imagine there's probably arguments for and against.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08How did Simon respond to Bruce's comments?
0:20:08 > 0:20:10"I'm not gay."
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Is everyone giving up mime?
0:20:19 > 0:20:21I can't do that one on my own!
0:20:23 > 0:20:25OK, moving from ham to beef,
0:20:25 > 0:20:28what excuse did a man from Sunderland
0:20:28 > 0:20:30use in front of a courtroom this week
0:20:30 > 0:20:32when charged with stealing a joint of beef?
0:20:32 > 0:20:36He had trouble using the self-scanning system.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41- "Oh, for goodness sake! You don't have to be 18 to buy...- BLEEP- this."
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Defendant John Casey claimed that he stole the joint of beef because...
0:20:51 > 0:20:53She, of course, is no longer topside.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59Finally in our Not-As-Dead- As-You-Might-Expect-Them-To-Be news,
0:20:59 > 0:21:01what happened to a lady in Cornwall
0:21:01 > 0:21:03when she tried to organise a reunion?
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Did she discover she was the only person
0:21:05 > 0:21:08of whatever group it was that she was trying to reunite
0:21:08 > 0:21:10- that was still alive? - The Suicide Club of 1935.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15"Haven't had a Christmas card from them since the war."
0:21:15 > 0:21:18In fact, she was the only person who was dead.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Or so they thought.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23The local paper had mistakenly printed her name
0:21:23 > 0:21:26in an obituary for her mother 30 years ago.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29What a terrible shock for that poor lady.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30And for them, when she turned up suddenly.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33For 30 years they'd been having reunions going,
0:21:33 > 0:21:36"I tell you who'd have loved this - Gladys... Jesus Christ!"
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Ah, yes. This is the spat between Bruce Forsyth
0:21:39 > 0:21:43and Simon Cowell over children appearing on Britain's Got Talent.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45According to the Sun, Brucie said...
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Adding, "One of them was only 73!"
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Brucie has also threatened that he might present a brand-new show.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57He told an audience at a solo performance...
0:21:58 > 0:22:00What, as well as the adrenaline drip?
0:22:04 > 0:22:05Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11BELL
0:22:11 > 0:22:14MATT: Six...men, I imagine, listening very intently to
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- the greatest Prime Minister Britain's ever had.- Where?
0:22:17 > 0:22:19MILES: Is Tony Blair considered
0:22:19 > 0:22:21something of a giant in the Middle East?
0:22:21 > 0:22:23OK, where's the story?
0:22:24 > 0:22:27- Well, he's the Middle East envoy, isn't he?- Yes.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30So I imagine he's been out there spreading peace
0:22:30 > 0:22:32and people are going to be cynical about that.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Yes, they are quite cynical about it.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37His role in the Middle East has been branded "a huge joke".
0:22:37 > 0:22:38- By who?!- People like you, Ian.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Er...yes.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Not the Chilcot Inquiry,
0:22:44 > 0:22:46which still hasn't reported four years later!
0:22:46 > 0:22:50We had an inquiry into the supposed doings of Blair and where is it?
0:22:50 > 0:22:53- Who did we get this information from?- John McCarthy.- John McCarthy!
0:22:53 > 0:22:58The Telegraph said that he told a festival last week that Mr Blair's role in...
0:23:04 > 0:23:08So, Matt, I think we've established you're a massive fan of Tony Blair.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12Is this for comic effect, or is it real?
0:23:12 > 0:23:15I mean, I don't... Well... It's real.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18OK, that's fine, I just wanted to know
0:23:18 > 0:23:22whether amusement or pity was the correct response.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Oh, we can do both.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26So, who's doing better than Tony Blair
0:23:26 > 0:23:28at delivering peace to the Middle East?
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Dappy from N-Dubz.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31I'm going to tell you.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Tulisa from...whatever she's from.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37N-Dubz! It's N-Dubz! MILES: Yeah. That crowd.
0:23:37 > 0:23:38Is everyone from N-Dubz?
0:23:40 > 0:23:41Bouncer, who was...? Oh, Neighbours.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Well, the Middle East, specifically Iran and Iraq, are,
0:23:47 > 0:23:48according to the Independent...
0:23:57 > 0:24:00"Hello, is it WMD you're looking for?"
0:24:03 > 0:24:07And in more musical political news, what's Ed Balls been up to?
0:24:07 > 0:24:10- Learning the piano.- Yes. He told the Yorkshire Post...
0:24:20 > 0:24:24He's 46, by the way. Shall we have a look, see how he's progressing?
0:24:24 > 0:24:26HE PLAYS SOMEWHAT FALTERINGLY
0:24:48 > 0:24:51It's like music, isn't it?
0:24:51 > 0:24:55So he's got to get to Grade 8 in four years?
0:24:55 > 0:24:59- That's not a lot of Shadow Cabinet-ing.- No.
0:24:59 > 0:25:04But he worked for Gordon Brown, so we're triple accounting. He's already on Grade 6.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07This is the news that Palestinians have been critical
0:25:07 > 0:25:09of Tony Blair's work bringing peace to the Middle East.
0:25:09 > 0:25:10According to the Independent...
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Must be someone's job to sort that out!
0:25:19 > 0:25:24This week, it was revealed that Lionel Richie is extremely popular throughout the Middle East.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27According to the Independent, when the US invaded Baghdad in 2003...
0:25:30 > 0:25:32After which survivors waiting to be dug out of the rubble
0:25:32 > 0:25:34kept up a constant refrain
0:25:34 > 0:25:36of "Hello, is it me you're looking for?"
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Fingers on buzzers!
0:25:45 > 0:25:46BELL
0:25:46 > 0:25:48That's Shaking Stevens.
0:25:48 > 0:25:53I like the addition of the two black lines all around him to indicate the shaking.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57It is Shakin' Stevens, who is from...
0:25:57 > 0:26:00- Wales.- And he's shaking this week because...
0:26:00 > 0:26:03He's been attacked by a plague of killer eyebrows.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07MILES: Earthquake.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Well done, that's why his shaking, very good.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12There was an earthquake. Do you know how bad it was?
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Oh, it was terrible, Frank.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Not a subject fit for comedy. No, I don't know how bad it was.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21- Mild.- Four.
0:26:21 > 0:26:27Well, according to the Mail Online, the 3.8 magnitude earthquake caused...
0:26:29 > 0:26:32..which one local resident compared to the horror of a...
0:26:36 > 0:26:40While Eirian Rees' house was so badly shaken, she...
0:26:44 > 0:26:49Why might residents of the Llyn Peninsula want to stock up on Vaseline?
0:26:50 > 0:26:54- Oh, come on.- Have you booked a holiday there, Frank?
0:26:59 > 0:27:04Because a North Korean artist has recently been making body armour out of it. Here are some pictures.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10- MILES: That's all made out of Vaseline? That's actually quite impressive.- It is.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12His hands look like big matches.
0:27:14 > 0:27:19But that'd be useless in boxing, because his punches would just be gliding off.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21I think it's been allowed to harden.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Surely it can't harden,
0:27:23 > 0:27:27can it, Vaseline? I've always thought that's one of the great things about it.
0:27:31 > 0:27:36- Do you know what the fear of earthquakes is called?- Common sense.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38- It's seismophobia.- Of course it is.
0:27:38 > 0:27:43And does anyone happen to know what gephyrophobia is?
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Jeffs?
0:27:45 > 0:27:49Well, it could be, cos it's the fear of bridges.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Would anyone care to guess how someone in Maryland might be
0:27:51 > 0:27:54making money out of gephyrophobes?
0:27:54 > 0:27:57Taking them in a boat.
0:27:57 > 0:27:58Not a boat -
0:27:58 > 0:28:01a businessman in Maryland has been charging people 25 to
0:28:01 > 0:28:04drive them and their cars across the Chesapeake Bridge,
0:28:04 > 0:28:08which has been rated by Travel and Leisure magazine as...
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Here it is.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17- That looks quite fun, don't you think?- Especially overtaking.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20Can you name any other scary bridges?
0:28:20 > 0:28:26Name that bridge! I'm going to pitch it to the new daytime controller.
0:28:26 > 0:28:31When you've finished your railway programmes, you could just move on to a series specifically about bridges.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34Don't tempt me, Miles!
0:28:34 > 0:28:36- No, really don't.- Oh, right.
0:28:37 > 0:28:41So how do gephyrophobes usually act at the thought of crossing
0:28:41 > 0:28:44- the bridge? - They cover themselves in Vaseline...
0:28:45 > 0:28:49- ..and jump in the boot of someone else's car.- That is so...
0:28:49 > 0:28:50I'm giving you that.
0:28:52 > 0:28:56Two gephyrophobes were so terrified at the thought of crossing the Chesapeake Bay Bridge...
0:29:02 > 0:29:05I suppose you don't know when you're on the bridge and when you're off.
0:29:05 > 0:29:09You might do when you hear your wife saying, "Oh, shit, this is scary, no wonder you were so worried.
0:29:09 > 0:29:10"Oh, shit!"
0:29:12 > 0:29:14What you need is two people with claustrophobia who are also
0:29:14 > 0:29:17crossing the bridge, and then you could do a swap.
0:29:17 > 0:29:20Or as a practical joke you could shout, "Oh, my God,
0:29:20 > 0:29:23"we're going into the river" - then throw buckets of water over.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26"You're not worried about the bridge now, are you?"
0:29:26 > 0:29:31Do you think they say, "I won't cross that bridge when I come to it"?
0:29:31 > 0:29:34This is the magnitude 3.8 earthquake which hit North Wales this week.
0:29:34 > 0:29:37Apparently it affected an area the size of part of Wales.
0:29:39 > 0:29:42OK. It's now time for the Odd One Out round.
0:29:42 > 0:29:43Ian and Matt, your four are...
0:29:43 > 0:29:46Domino's Pizza's DVDs,
0:29:46 > 0:29:48the Canadian 100 bill,
0:29:48 > 0:29:51the wheel of Double Gloucester used at the Cooper's Hill cheese rolling,
0:29:51 > 0:29:55and Richard I's heart.
0:29:55 > 0:29:59That cheese is no longer cheese. It was replaced by foam.
0:29:59 > 0:30:03- It's things that have been replaced. - Erm...no, it isn't.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06- Give us a clue. - It's to do with odour.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09Cheese smells.
0:30:09 > 0:30:13Oh, yes. Canadian money - people were under the impression
0:30:13 > 0:30:17that Canadian money smelt of maple syrup.
0:30:17 > 0:30:20So the foam rubber's probably the odd one out cos that doesn't smell of anything.
0:30:20 > 0:30:22Yeah. The cheese is the odd one out.
0:30:22 > 0:30:25You know what, that is absolutely correct.
0:30:25 > 0:30:26And he said it.
0:30:31 > 0:30:34Yes, they all smell of something unexpected, apart from
0:30:34 > 0:30:37the Double Gloucester used in the Cooper's Hill cheese rolling race,
0:30:37 > 0:30:40which had no smell at all because it was made of plastic.
0:30:40 > 0:30:44Why didn't Diana Smart, who has made the traditional cheese
0:30:44 > 0:30:47for the event since 1986, make this year's cheese?
0:30:47 > 0:30:49She had a visit from the police.
0:30:49 > 0:30:53Yes. Three policemen - I hope they all said "'Ello"...
0:30:55 > 0:30:58..turned up and told her...
0:31:00 > 0:31:03The Bank of Canada has been inundated with
0:31:03 > 0:31:07queries from Canadians as to why their new hi-tech plastic 100 bills
0:31:07 > 0:31:10made of polymer smell of maple syrup.
0:31:10 > 0:31:13So, why do the banknotes smell of maple syrup?
0:31:13 > 0:31:17They haven't been washing their hands before handling the money.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19And they're all COVERED in syrup.
0:31:21 > 0:31:24The Bank of Canada were accused of infusing the notes
0:31:24 > 0:31:28with this scent. They've totally denied that and in fact it remains a mystery,
0:31:28 > 0:31:33No-one has yet explained why the notes smell of maple syrup. But they do, apparently.
0:31:34 > 0:31:37Domino's in Brazil has come up with a creative way to get people to buy more pizza,
0:31:37 > 0:31:39does anyone know what they've done?
0:31:39 > 0:31:43They've been putting leaflets through people's doors advertising their business.
0:31:44 > 0:31:48No, they rent out DVDs that smell like pizza.
0:31:49 > 0:31:51So yes, they all smell of something unexpected
0:31:51 > 0:31:54apart from the Double Gloucester used in the Coopers Hill
0:31:54 > 0:31:59cheese rolling race, which had no smell at all because it was a fake.
0:31:59 > 0:32:02According to a pathologist who examined Richard I's heart...
0:32:06 > 0:32:09Sounds about right. For a sinner, gold, for a saint, frankincense,
0:32:09 > 0:32:14and if you're somewhere in between - "myrrh"...
0:32:15 > 0:32:17According to the Daily Mail...
0:32:24 > 0:32:26Thank God he nipped that one in the bud.
0:32:28 > 0:32:30Paul and Miles, here are yours.
0:32:30 > 0:32:33Adolf Hitler, Robert Mugabe,
0:32:33 > 0:32:35beards, and Yoda.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38The only thing that I've seen about Hitler in recent days
0:32:38 > 0:32:40is there's a teapot, or kettle, rather, that's come out,
0:32:40 > 0:32:43that sort of closely resembles Adolf Hitler.
0:32:43 > 0:32:44Is the Hitler kettle...?
0:32:44 > 0:32:46It includes the Hitler kettle.
0:32:46 > 0:32:49I think a good starting place for this is Yoda.
0:32:49 > 0:32:52Not Yoda in his sort of day job
0:32:52 > 0:32:55but in a sort of recent sideline he's developed.
0:32:55 > 0:32:57ALL: Vodafone.
0:32:57 > 0:32:59Yes. Stick with advertisers.
0:32:59 > 0:33:02Robert Mugabe sponsors... Rice Krispies. I don't know.
0:33:02 > 0:33:04What...?
0:33:04 > 0:33:06Poor old Rice Krispies!
0:33:06 > 0:33:08Snap, Crackle, Dead.
0:33:10 > 0:33:13They're all officially advertising a product apart from Adolf Hitler,
0:33:13 > 0:33:16who is unwittingly advertising a kettle
0:33:16 > 0:33:19because a billboard photo of the kettle looks like him.
0:33:24 > 0:33:26It does look like Hitler.
0:33:28 > 0:33:31That big empty space in the middle where he's shot his face off, as well.
0:33:34 > 0:33:37Have you got the hot water bottle that looks like Mussolini?
0:33:38 > 0:33:40That's amazing.
0:33:40 > 0:33:42It must be deliberate, it's got to be deliberate.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45Once you see it, you can't see the kettle any more.
0:33:45 > 0:33:47The kettle's gone.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49I mean, it's even got the salute on the spout, hasn't it?
0:33:51 > 0:33:52If you want to accessorise,
0:33:52 > 0:33:55this would go well with an Eva Braun sandwich maker.
0:33:57 > 0:34:01What did Coca-Cola decide wouldn't be helpful when it came to advertising Coca-Cola?
0:34:01 > 0:34:04Was this the Coke Zero campaign?
0:34:04 > 0:34:05I don't know what that is.
0:34:05 > 0:34:07It's like Coke, but without any sugar in it.
0:34:07 > 0:34:09That's water, isn't it?
0:34:10 > 0:34:14Coca-Cola were printing the 150 most popular names on the side of Coke cans,
0:34:14 > 0:34:16but they missed one out.
0:34:16 > 0:34:18- They missed out Mohammed.- They did.
0:34:18 > 0:34:22Anyone want to do a joke about that(?)
0:34:22 > 0:34:23I can't, I've got a child.
0:34:26 > 0:34:27Robert Mugabe -
0:34:27 > 0:34:31the Zimbabwean dictator, for those of you who don't know who he is -
0:34:31 > 0:34:34has been helping to advertise a range of clothing in his home country.
0:34:34 > 0:34:39- Oh, yes.- According to a rather misleading item in the Scotsman...
0:34:47 > 0:34:50I think he favours just the dark glasses...
0:34:51 > 0:34:56What happens to you if you don't buy this clothing(?)
0:34:56 > 0:34:58No-one knows!
0:34:58 > 0:35:00So, beards are the new thing in advertising,
0:35:00 > 0:35:01according to a Kentucky-based company
0:35:01 > 0:35:04who have introduced "beardvertising".
0:35:04 > 0:35:08Oh, yes. People have adverts put onto their beards, clipped on.
0:35:08 > 0:35:12They do. And I must say, it looks fabulously impressive.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17It's his face that sells it, isn't it?
0:35:17 > 0:35:20What other beards have been in the news recently?
0:35:20 > 0:35:23This is cats - people pose with cats, they hold their cat in a certain way
0:35:23 > 0:35:26so it makes it look like the cat is part of a beard.
0:35:26 > 0:35:30Yeah. It's called "catbearding".
0:35:30 > 0:35:31- Here's a catbeard.- Oh!
0:35:33 > 0:35:35And here's another.
0:35:41 > 0:35:43And, um...here's a dogbeard.
0:35:45 > 0:35:48Yes, the answer is they're all officially advertising a product,
0:35:48 > 0:35:53apart from Adolf Hitler, who is unwittingly advertising a kettle.
0:35:53 > 0:35:55Obviously, it's only got one boil.
0:35:57 > 0:36:00It's not so much the kettle that looks like Hitler I object to,
0:36:00 > 0:36:01it's their marketing slogan -
0:36:01 > 0:36:04"Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein sugar."
0:36:07 > 0:36:09The Mugabe fashion line is the latest
0:36:09 > 0:36:11in what commentators are calling...
0:36:12 > 0:36:15It's not just in Zimbabwe, trendsetters in Tehran
0:36:15 > 0:36:20are regularly seen out wearing their President Ahma-dinner jackets.
0:36:22 > 0:36:24Yoda is not the only Star Wars character
0:36:24 > 0:36:28to be used in adverts. R2-D2 agreed to do an advert for WD-40 -
0:36:28 > 0:36:30but only because he thought it was a family reunion.
0:36:33 > 0:36:35Now it's time for the Missing Words round.
0:36:35 > 0:36:39This week's guest publication is Hot Dip Galvanizing.
0:36:40 > 0:36:43It used to be called Dip Galvanizing, until it was bought by Richard Desmond.
0:36:46 > 0:36:47And we start with...
0:36:50 > 0:36:54Plastic surgery to look like David Dimbleby.
0:36:54 > 0:36:57MILES: A number of completely unrelated items.
0:37:03 > 0:37:06Well, she think she's seen them 140 times -
0:37:06 > 0:37:08she might just have seen one of them 280 times.
0:37:11 > 0:37:12Next...
0:37:14 > 0:37:16Holly Willoughby.
0:37:16 > 0:37:20The scent of blossom in the air as
0:37:20 > 0:37:24Margery walks in from the fields having just drained the petrol out of a lawnmower...
0:37:25 > 0:37:28No, it's actually a brain scan.
0:37:28 > 0:37:31Yes, according to the Observer Adrian Raine,
0:37:31 > 0:37:35the neuroscientist who conducted these experiments, moved from Britain to America because...
0:37:39 > 0:37:41Next...
0:37:42 > 0:37:43Thor!
0:37:45 > 0:37:48Describing clouds as black.
0:37:50 > 0:37:52Adolf Hitler.
0:37:53 > 0:37:55It's Doctor Who. Incredibly unfairly.
0:37:55 > 0:37:58This is an international group of academics,
0:37:58 > 0:38:03who among criticisms single out a 1977 Doctor Who story called...
0:38:06 > 0:38:07Are they the spicy ones with ginger?
0:38:08 > 0:38:11You see, THAT'S thunderingly racist!
0:38:12 > 0:38:13Next...
0:38:17 > 0:38:19MILES: Duets.
0:38:19 > 0:38:22The answer is "slept".
0:38:22 > 0:38:24AUDIENCE MEMBER GASPS
0:38:24 > 0:38:26Yes, you're right to gasp.
0:38:26 > 0:38:28This is the Australian fisherman
0:38:28 > 0:38:30who thought he'd caught a barramundi fish
0:38:30 > 0:38:33and found it was a six-foot saltwater crocodile.
0:38:33 > 0:38:36I recently went fishing in the canal and I caught a barramundi.
0:38:36 > 0:38:41Then I caught an old boot Tuesday and a shopping trolley Wednesday.
0:38:41 > 0:38:42Next...
0:38:43 > 0:38:46"Can't I be called Mr Chubby Chops instead?"
0:38:48 > 0:38:52Director of Fat says, "Put it over there with the rest of the fat."
0:38:54 > 0:38:56"Stop asking me, it's obvious - the fat pile's there."
0:39:06 > 0:39:10This is an article about the new BBC studios which appeared in Hot Dip Galvanizing.
0:39:10 > 0:39:12FAT is an organisation, uh.... Yeah.
0:39:14 > 0:39:15And finally...
0:39:19 > 0:39:23MILES: Limbs...in a bath of acid,
0:39:23 > 0:39:26is referred to as "a little suspicious".
0:39:30 > 0:39:33Steel in a bath of zinc is referred to as galvanising.
0:39:33 > 0:39:36- Steel is right, for the first one. - Galvanising?
0:39:36 > 0:39:41- It's "steel in a bath of molten zinc..."- Zinc - I said zinc!
0:39:41 > 0:39:43"..is referred to as hot dip galvanising."
0:39:43 > 0:39:47I said galvanising, but I don't expect any points on this show.
0:39:47 > 0:39:50Well, you should have gone on the Zinc Galvanising Show, then.
0:39:50 > 0:39:53This is from Hot Dip Galvanizing, which features an article
0:39:53 > 0:39:57about a new sports complex in Ostfildern in Germany which has...
0:40:03 > 0:40:05Or, as we call it, a door.
0:40:08 > 0:40:10So the final scores are Ian's team has five points,
0:40:10 > 0:40:14but Paul's team has seven points.
0:40:14 > 0:40:16APPLAUSE
0:40:20 > 0:40:24Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:40:24 > 0:40:25Ian and Matt have this...
0:40:25 > 0:40:29"What's that, Skippy? "The guy fell down the stairs and none of us touched him?"
0:40:35 > 0:40:38Paul and Miles get that...
0:40:38 > 0:40:40Bastard wears hat.
0:40:43 > 0:40:45APPLAUSE
0:40:45 > 0:40:49On which note we say thank you to Ian Hislop and Matt Forde, Paul Merton and Miles Jupp,
0:40:49 > 0:40:53And I leave you with news that it's a job well done for one young man
0:40:53 > 0:40:56as he successfully ties his own shoelaces.
0:40:59 > 0:41:01Facing a hefty libel payout,
0:41:01 > 0:41:06Sally and John Bercow attempt to raise some extra cash by posing for a naked photo shoot.
0:41:10 > 0:41:12And even at the age of 127,
0:41:12 > 0:41:16Japan's oldest man can still manage to visit the tanning salon.
0:41:21 > 0:41:22Good night.
0:41:31 > 0:41:34Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:41:57 > 0:42:00I have actually played in a cricket match that Jeffrey Archer umpired.
0:42:00 > 0:42:02And did you find him fair?
0:42:02 > 0:42:05I found him disappointingly nice.
0:42:06 > 0:42:08Can we cut this bit?