0:00:29 > 0:00:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm David Mitchell.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41In the news this week...
0:00:41 > 0:00:46While Miley Cyrus is out at the VMA Awards, her dog is back at home
0:00:46 > 0:00:48watching her performance on TV.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58In Farnborough, the MOD proudly unveils
0:00:58 > 0:01:01the £60 billion replacement for the Harrier Jump Jet.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08And as officers from Operation Yewtree move in to arrest
0:01:08 > 0:01:10one of the stars of Play School,
0:01:10 > 0:01:13he makes a desperate, last-minute bid for freedom.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25On Ian's team tonight is the presenter on Channel 4 News
0:01:25 > 0:01:28who claims that she reads every national newspaper every day.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32As does Ian! So you can see how useful that is for THIS show.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Please welcome Cathy Newman.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36APPLAUSE
0:01:41 > 0:01:45And with Paul tonight is a writer and presenter who is currently
0:01:45 > 0:01:48hosting a show on BT Sport, although we only have his word for that.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51LAUGHTER Please welcome Danny Baker.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Thank you.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55APPLAUSE
0:01:59 > 0:02:01And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Paul and Danny, have a look at this.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Ah, yes, obviously, Conservative Party Conference.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09There's the Prime Minister and his lovely wife. And there's...
0:02:09 > 0:02:13Osborne trying to get blood from a stone. Yeah. There's, uh, ooh...
0:02:13 > 0:02:16What's his face doing? I don't know. It's very odd, isn't it?
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Ah, look, I believe Mia Farrow says, "It's your son." Yes.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24So this is the Conservatives have been having their conference
0:02:24 > 0:02:26and Boris has been speaking, I think. Yes.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Osborne made a major announcement at the Tory Party conference.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33About his haircut? Did... Did he? Well, he had a comb-over. Yes.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35He's ending the recession, isn't he?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Do you remember? He's literally combing over the recession?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Hiding the recession. It's still there, but he's hiding it.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42No, that's not the announcement I meant.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45LAUGHTER Is this the return of the workhouse?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48That's the announcement I meant. Yes.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51It's part of the buy-your-house, except you don't know
0:02:51 > 0:02:54if it's going to be a big one where you make rope.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55LAUGHTER
0:02:55 > 0:02:58People have to go to the Jobcentre every day to
0:02:58 > 0:03:01register the fact that they're still unemployed? Yes. Precisely.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03He said the jobless are to be required to
0:03:03 > 0:03:06work for their benefits by, for example, picking up litter.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Here's how it went down in the hall.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12It used to be a lot more entertaining -
0:03:12 > 0:03:15and I'm not suggesting they should do a Strictly Tory Party conference.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17They used to tell jokes and sing songs. They did.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20People who couldn't tell jokes would do, it was extraordinary.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23My dad used to say, "Ooh, it was a lot of fun." Like the X Factor.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25The best acts have been stolen.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29Ann Widdecombe went to Strictly. I know. You know, got poached.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31The idea of Ann Widdecombe being poached is one
0:03:31 > 0:03:33I can't quite get out of my head.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Think of the size of the pan you'd need. Exactly.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Do you think Boris Johnson really was loyal?
0:03:40 > 0:03:45Yes, he just did one joke about whether it is possible to be Mayor
0:03:45 > 0:03:46and Prime Minister at the same time
0:03:46 > 0:03:48and got a big laugh and said, "Joke. Joke."
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Which is what people always say when they mean it.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Do you know what he said about UKIP?
0:03:54 > 0:03:57He said, "UKIP..." ..if you want to. Yeah, that was the joke, wasn't it?
0:03:57 > 0:04:00I'm not for kipping. I'm not for kipping!
0:04:00 > 0:04:01He said, "UKIP if you want to..."
0:04:08 > 0:04:10But that wasn't kipping, that was chillaxing,
0:04:10 > 0:04:12and there is a difference. Apparently.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Yes, but unfortunately, the party isn't called U-chillax.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18The conference then degenerated into
0:04:18 > 0:04:20can you answer questions about groceries?
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Someone else got the milk question. Boris did. That's it.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25And Cameron was asked how much a loaf was. Four guineas!
0:04:27 > 0:04:30He said, "I have a bread-maker."
0:04:31 > 0:04:33As we all do - it's Albert in the village.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37How much is a bottle of milk? Well, I have a cow.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42I have a cow and she goes down to the village and buys the milk.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Yeah, but, how much is a loaf of bread, Paul?
0:04:47 > 0:04:4965p. Everything is 65p.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Always has been and always will be.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Bread, houses, Shropshire, it's all 65p.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57And Boris didn't know the answer to anything.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59He said, "I know how much a bottle of champagne is."
0:05:00 > 0:05:03I'd rather that than some weaselly little journalist
0:05:03 > 0:05:05saying he doesn't know how much bread is. "How much is it, mate?
0:05:05 > 0:05:08"How much do you put it down for on your expenses?"
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Well, Boris did that, he asked Jeremy Paxman how much a loaf was
0:05:10 > 0:05:13and Paxman said, "Well, I can't possibly answer that."
0:05:13 > 0:05:14Panic, panic.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Yes, Boris had a bit of a Newsnight knock-about with Paxman.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22They were discussing Boris' rumoured return to the Commons initially.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26I think this is a now super-masticated subject.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29And what... Well, masticate a little more.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Spit it out. What I would rather do... Spit it out.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37That's public school, isn't it?
0:05:37 > 0:05:40One person masticates it and the other person spits it out. Oh!
0:05:42 > 0:05:44But Boris and Paxman also discussed, as you say,
0:05:44 > 0:05:46the price of a pint of milk.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Do you even know the cost of a pint of milk?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53About 80p or something like that.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55No, it's about 40-something p.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58OK, one of those biggish ones.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59This is a classic case
0:05:59 > 0:06:03where you're going to change the sort of milk. I said a pint of milk.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Oh, right, a pint of milk, OK, about 40. Well, there you go.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08I don't know how much a pint of milk costs. So what?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Well, don't you think you should
0:06:10 > 0:06:12if you're concerned about the cost of living?
0:06:12 > 0:06:14How much is a loaf of bread?
0:06:15 > 0:06:19I'm not standing for election. You are.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25I mean, I thought he missed the killer question, for Paxman is,
0:06:25 > 0:06:27how much does a razor cost?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32You had a beard for a bit, didn't you? I remember that you said,
0:06:32 > 0:06:34"Do I look like a submarine captain?"
0:06:34 > 0:06:36What made you shave it off?
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Blackmail.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44That's an excellent... It's an intriguing answer, isn't it?
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Going back to Osborne, he made his announcement
0:06:48 > 0:06:50that you weren't going to get benefits without doing work
0:06:50 > 0:06:53but he said also if they're not doing community service,
0:06:53 > 0:06:55jobless people will have to turn up at Jobcentres.
0:06:55 > 0:06:56Do you know how long for?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58All day. 9 to 5.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02Yes. Really? For 35 hours a week.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04That's ten minutes a day to check the vacancies
0:07:04 > 0:07:07and 34 hours, 10 minutes of Angry Birds.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10Also, there's a slight...
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Obviously, I'm not taking sides here because I come from a culture
0:07:13 > 0:07:16that is quite resilient when it comes to signing on.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Most people... I did it myself for two years, but during...
0:07:19 > 0:07:21You used to be able to go to, as they called it,
0:07:21 > 0:07:24the labour exchange and I know culture has changed
0:07:24 > 0:07:27but there were window-cleaning vans outside and minicabs
0:07:27 > 0:07:30and people going, "Hurry up, love, I've got a fare at 8:30."
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Now, it's all been stigmatised,
0:07:32 > 0:07:34everyone's "spongers" and all of this.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Never mind over in the City and all that.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38But people earning a few quid the other way, these days
0:07:38 > 0:07:40they want to make out that, you know,
0:07:40 > 0:07:43it's the worst possible sin of all. And I say good luck to anyone
0:07:43 > 0:07:45if they run their cab down, sign on, get a few more quid
0:07:45 > 0:07:47and go home again.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Because making them sit there from 9 to 5, that's just...
0:07:50 > 0:07:54that's pushing them around. That was a party political broadcast. I know.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57On behalf of the Slightly-Dodgy-But-Quite-Nice Party.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00A bit of embezzlement just shows gumption. Embezzlement?!
0:08:02 > 0:08:04When I used to work at an employment office,
0:08:04 > 0:08:06some people didn't really think it through.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07You'd get painters and decorators,
0:08:07 > 0:08:09in their overalls, covered in wet paint.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11I know, exactly. "I've not had a job for six weeks."
0:08:13 > 0:08:15The Tories are trying to out-Thatcher Thatcher
0:08:15 > 0:08:17but David Cameron obviously thought,
0:08:17 > 0:08:19"Oh, we're going to be called the nasty party again."
0:08:19 > 0:08:21So he slipped in this thing about social workers
0:08:21 > 0:08:23and how great social workers were.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25He got the whole Tory conference applauding.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27He said, "Can we have a round of applause
0:08:27 > 0:08:29"for those hard-working people, the social workers?"
0:08:29 > 0:08:33A lot of people going, "Who are they?" Exactly.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34"Social workers?
0:08:34 > 0:08:38"Those are the wonderful people who organise parties?" Yes.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42As has become traditional during conference season,
0:08:42 > 0:08:45the press were obsessed with what Theresa May was wearing.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47These were her shoes.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Don't you get fed up with people...?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Very nicely dressed, by the way, Cathy.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Do you get upset with people going on about what women are wearing?
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Yeah, all the time, but can I just point out, those shoes,
0:08:57 > 0:08:58they were quite reasonable.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00I think they were from somewhere quite cheap,
0:09:00 > 0:09:03but the suit is Vivienne Westwood and cost a bomb,
0:09:03 > 0:09:07and was worn by that model, the really beautiful one.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09The beautiful model?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12The one who doesn't have to appear with a sack over her head?
0:09:12 > 0:09:15You'd never get away with that on Channel 4 News.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18"Model, you know, it was that one, I can't remember her name.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20"Very skinny. Anyway, she did something..."
0:09:20 > 0:09:22I've taken the night off, though. Oh, you're off. Sorry.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24So it's OK. Stupid of me.
0:09:24 > 0:09:28Those shoes apparently, according to the Sun, cost £215.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30So they weren't the cheap ones.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32But the suit's really expensive.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33How much?
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Hundreds? How in touch are you?
0:09:37 > 0:09:40I'm not in touch with Vivienne Westwood.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Though I did get married in Vivienne Westwood, so... Did you?
0:09:42 > 0:09:44What, inside her?
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Karren Brady, off of The Apprentice, was at the Tory Party conference.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53Erm, what was she wearing? I mean, what was she there for? Oh, yeah.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54LAUGHTER
0:09:54 > 0:09:56I can tell you what she was wearing.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59OK, you can say. It was one of those body-whatsit illusion dresses
0:09:59 > 0:10:01that makes you look half the size you are.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05Yes, a bodycon dress. Is that it? Yeah. Yes. I've never heard of that.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Is it good? Really good. Yeah. Try one next time.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09I will, yeah.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Not that I'm saying you need to. No. Not saying I want to.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13But I will.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19We can have a look at Karren Brady's bodycon dress.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21If you believed the bodycon there,
0:10:21 > 0:10:24you'd just call an ambulance, wouldn't you? Yes.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Brady was there to introduce George Osborne,
0:10:28 > 0:10:29do you know how she did that?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31George Osborne.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Bill Clinton did Tony Blair once. Really?
0:10:35 > 0:10:38I mean, introduced him.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Get your wife to do it now. That's the other thing at the conference.
0:10:40 > 0:10:45I think after, after Justine's performance in the Ed Miliband show,
0:10:45 > 0:10:48no wife is going to do it again, are they? Anyone see that?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51She was told to kiss him, though. Oh, and she has to do it?!
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Not even prostitutes have to kiss!
0:10:56 > 0:11:00APPLAUSE
0:11:00 > 0:11:03And there was also a spectre at the feast at the Tory conference.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04Do you know who that was?
0:11:04 > 0:11:05Ah, Nigel Farage.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09Yes. I suppose the ghost of Margaret Thatcher was probably there.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Because she was invoked, wasn't she?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Was she? They did a seance?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Anyway, he turned up, didn't he?
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Yes, he turned up in Manchester to address a lunatic fringe -
0:11:19 > 0:11:23sorry, Freudian slip - a fringe meeting. Um, here he is arriving.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Do you expect a warm welcome at the Tory conference?
0:11:25 > 0:11:26No.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Um, that's the spirit, Nige. Shall we, er,
0:11:30 > 0:11:32have a look at a picture of Farage
0:11:32 > 0:11:34on the front page of The Times this week?
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Oh, yeah.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43It's Hitler combined with a one-sided Fu Manchu. So...
0:11:43 > 0:11:46it shows he's multicultural.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Meanwhile, David Cameron gave an interview to The Sun on Monday
0:11:49 > 0:11:53this week. He said that he can do the dance to Gangnam Style.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54Urgh!
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Erm, a surprising number of people can do that, can't they, Cathy?
0:11:57 > 0:11:58Oh, God.
0:11:58 > 0:11:59# Gangnam style What about C4 style?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03# Gangnam style, op, op
0:12:03 > 0:12:07# C4 style Whop, whop, whop, whop, whop
0:12:08 > 0:12:10# Gangnam style C4 style
0:12:10 > 0:12:13# Op, op, op, op O pan Gangnam style
0:12:13 > 0:12:16# Waaay, sexy newsroom... #
0:12:18 > 0:12:22APPLAUSE Oh, God!
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Could we ask the question why?
0:12:28 > 0:12:32It was... It was showing that a woman can dance in high heels
0:12:32 > 0:12:35and not be inhibited. Exactly. DANNY: Yeah. And that was news?!
0:12:35 > 0:12:38But at least I wasn't twerking. No, you weren't twerking.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40It could've been much worse.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Oh, hang on, that's your editor on the phone...
0:12:43 > 0:12:46This is the Tory Party conference held in Manchester.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48An eye-catching policy announced this week is that people
0:12:48 > 0:12:51claiming unemployment benefit will be made to pick up litter.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53This could put the people
0:12:53 > 0:12:56who are currently paid to pick up litter out of a job
0:12:56 > 0:12:59but the good news is, they will then be forced to do it for free.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02George Osborne revealed during the conference:
0:13:05 > 0:13:07God, even THEY hate him!
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Ian and Cathy, take a look at this.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14It's Ed Miliband trying not to listen to an Ed Balls speech?
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Oh, look, there's someone spying on him from The Mail.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20And that's Karl Marx's grave.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23This is the Labour conference, which was equally thrilling.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Stirred the Tories up. It did. They were very worried about it.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29And they had Damian McBride's book, which was very entertaining.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32I'm sure you all read it. Apparently Blair and Brown hated each other.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35Really(?)
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Yeah, no, it was one of those shock horror books that we all got
0:13:40 > 0:13:42very over-excited about.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45But, unfortunately for Miliband, he was one of the gang.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48So it was him and Balls and McBride
0:13:48 > 0:13:50who were all working for Gordon Brown,
0:13:50 > 0:13:52who doesn't come out well.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Yes, this was Damian McBride was hoping to upstage the conference.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Did you see him being introduced on Newsnight?
0:13:58 > 0:13:59Damian McBride,
0:13:59 > 0:14:03McPoison as he's known to his many enemies,
0:14:03 > 0:14:04or McPrick-Face -
0:14:04 > 0:14:08as he was referred to in a recent cache of Downing Street e-mails.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15He's so used to being called McPrick-Face.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18He also caused a fight, didn't he?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Um, because he was doing an interview.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Yes, during the Labour conference in Brighton,
0:14:22 > 0:14:25an interview with Damian McBride didn't go entirely to plan.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27I mean, I think if...
0:14:27 > 0:14:30DOG GROWLS
0:14:30 > 0:14:32..I've said worse things about myself in the book...
0:14:32 > 0:14:34DOG GROWLS
0:14:34 > 0:14:36INTERVIEW BLURRED BY BARKS AND GROWLS
0:14:43 > 0:14:46APPLAUSE
0:14:46 > 0:14:51That's Iain Dale, who's... Who is the publisher of the book!
0:14:51 > 0:14:55So what he was... That man's a long-term protester
0:14:55 > 0:14:58who likes to get himself into news stories. The publisher of this book,
0:14:58 > 0:15:01who hadn't been invited to the conference, was trying
0:15:01 > 0:15:05to get his book into a news story, started pushing the other man out.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08They were both shamelessly trying to hijack the conference,
0:15:08 > 0:15:10so they ended up beating each other up.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13The dog seemed to be biting the arse of its owner, though.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Dogs are extremely fickle.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18He could see where the power shift was going.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22We're going to have a look at it again.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24It's amazing what the dog is doing to its owner.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37"Why? Why do you make me wear these placards?!"
0:15:38 > 0:15:42What's been the other big story about Miliband this week?
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Well, this upstaged the Tory conference. Yes.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48The Daily Mail managed to not merely shoot its own foot off
0:15:48 > 0:15:51but sort of blow it off with a mortar.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54They had a go at Miliband's father.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58They ran a piece saying, "This is the man who hated Britain."
0:15:58 > 0:16:02On the evidence of one entry in a diary when he was 16,
0:16:02 > 0:16:04when he'd just arrived as a refugee in this country.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08Before he fought for the country in the Second World War. Yeah.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11So it was the most pathetic piece.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15Basically, Miliband, the Daily Mail has decided, is a Communist
0:16:15 > 0:16:18because he wants to freeze electricity prices
0:16:18 > 0:16:21and he's Mugabe
0:16:21 > 0:16:26because he wants developers to use the land that they have to build on.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Now, the first person to suggest
0:16:28 > 0:16:31that developers actually build houses on the land they own
0:16:31 > 0:16:35was Boris Johnson, who's a well-known Communist.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38The first name's the clue. It's a double-bluff.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41He's obviously a Russian agent. It's a double bluff!
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Called himself Boris, so he can't be Russian, but he is!
0:16:45 > 0:16:48The Daily Mail accused the father of being a committed Marxist.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51But what's the point of being an uncommitted Marxist?
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Even if we suppose and make the leap of faith that,
0:16:54 > 0:16:57you know, his old man did hate Britain -
0:16:57 > 0:17:00my dad hated David Bowie, I think Hunky Dory's a masterpiece -
0:17:00 > 0:17:02it doesn't work like that.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Apparently they've played the national anthem outside the grave
0:17:05 > 0:17:07and the corpse hasn't stood up and saluted
0:17:07 > 0:17:10so therefore, you know, that's all the proof they need.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12What I think will be embarrassing, the editor of the Mail,
0:17:12 > 0:17:14the Mail is owned by the Rothermere family. Yeah.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18And once you start saying, you know, "What did your dad do?"
0:17:18 > 0:17:21The current Lord Rothermere's father loved Britain so much,
0:17:21 > 0:17:23he went to live in France as a tax exile.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27Erm, he then passed on that non-dom status to his son, who doesn't
0:17:27 > 0:17:31actually pay the normal amount of tax, despite owning a newspaper
0:17:31 > 0:17:34that's owned through various companies in Bermuda.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Erm, so, once you start doing, "I'm looking at your family,"
0:17:37 > 0:17:40it gets embarrassing. And I think the Rothermere family,
0:17:40 > 0:17:43if you want to go further back, we get to the great-grandfather who,
0:17:43 > 0:17:46let's join in together, ran the headline -
0:17:46 > 0:17:49"Hurrah for the Blackshirts".
0:17:49 > 0:17:51But the Daily Mail went on to publish
0:17:51 > 0:17:53a full-page apology for that, didn't they?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55What? For the Blackshirts? Yeah. Yeah.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57No, they didn't.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Once you start throwing this stuff around, it gets embarrassing.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04I think, you know, they will find that their editor
0:18:04 > 0:18:06is now a major embarrassment. Yeah, gone toxic.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09The figures they kept saying when he was on Newsnight,
0:18:09 > 0:18:12the fella they actually did put on Newsnight to be the fall guy,
0:18:12 > 0:18:15he said, "Oh, well, if you're going to go back 80 years,"
0:18:15 > 0:18:17as opposed to the 75 years
0:18:17 > 0:18:19you're going back for Ed Miliband... When he was 17.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22There's a 75-year cut-off point, that's how journalism works.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24I mean, I thought
0:18:24 > 0:18:28it was quite funny that Dacre's nickname at the Mail is Mugabe.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31He's very old, he won't retire and he hates the opposition.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35The ancestor, the first Viscount Rothermere,
0:18:35 > 0:18:38of the current owner of the Daily Mail, do you know what
0:18:38 > 0:18:42he had to say about Britain's enemies, the Nazis, in 1933?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Open the borders.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46He said:
0:19:05 > 0:19:07LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Yes, so, ancestor bashing...
0:19:10 > 0:19:12And it's also, apart from all the other things,
0:19:12 > 0:19:17Ralph Miliband's books, I read today, have had a huge increase in sales.
0:19:17 > 0:19:22Parliamentary Socialism 1961, which I'm sure you've all read,
0:19:22 > 0:19:24today sold two copies.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Which just makes the Mail look ridiculous.
0:19:31 > 0:19:36And who did Labour send in to do battle with the mail on Newsnight?
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Alastair Campbell. Yes.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Which I thought was a bit unfortunate.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42I don't want to be unpopular here,
0:19:42 > 0:19:45but if you're sending someone in to talk about making up headlines,
0:19:45 > 0:19:49poisoning, briefing against people,
0:19:49 > 0:19:51making up and exaggerating stories in dossiers,
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Alastair - not your man.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56The thing about Alastair Campbell is,
0:19:56 > 0:19:59he knows that he gets angry in interviews, and I remember him
0:19:59 > 0:20:02once saying that when he was doing a Select Committee appearance,
0:20:02 > 0:20:04the only way he could stop himself getting too angry
0:20:04 > 0:20:06was by holding a pin in his hand
0:20:06 > 0:20:08and every time he felt himself getting a bit angry,
0:20:08 > 0:20:10he would prick himself with this pin,
0:20:10 > 0:20:13so I think he just didn't have the pin with him on Newsnight.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Or do you think it had gone right through his palm
0:20:16 > 0:20:19and out the other side? I think that would just make me angrier.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Not only am I annoyed with this person, I've really hurt my hand.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27What was the subsequent development in this story?
0:20:27 > 0:20:31They sent a journalist or two journalists along
0:20:31 > 0:20:35to Miliband's uncle's memorial service to get quotes off people.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39Guy's Hospital. Guy's Hospital. "Did you know the deceased?
0:20:39 > 0:20:42"(What did you think about Ed Miliband's dad?)" I know!
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Two rogue journalists working on their own initiative, a couple
0:20:45 > 0:20:48of bad apples, making the whole thing, the whole paper look bad.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Not like the one who put up a photograph of his dad's gravestone,
0:20:52 > 0:20:53which was an error of judgment.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Did you see how the Daily Mali, which as you all know is...
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Daily Mali?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00It's all about everything to do with Mali, apparently,
0:21:00 > 0:21:03they tweeted that they wanted to make clear they had absolutely nothing
0:21:03 > 0:21:06whatsoever to do with the Daily Mail!
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Brilliant!
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Yes, the editor of The Mail On Sunday has apologised:
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Describing what they did as:
0:21:21 > 0:21:23It's important to note that he apologised on behalf
0:21:23 > 0:21:25of The Mail On Sunday.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28The editor of The Mail On Sunday is a man called Geordie Greig, who is
0:21:28 > 0:21:30quite keen to get Paul Dacre's job.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Um, and has somewhat increased his chances this week.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Ed Miliband, of course, used his conference speech to position
0:21:36 > 0:21:39himself further to the left of politics, people say, but
0:21:39 > 0:21:43did you see how he appears to be growing his own Michael Goves?
0:21:44 > 0:21:47You can see sort of...
0:21:47 > 0:21:49It's like a Gove farm.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53On the right, that's a sort of young beginner Gove and then slightly
0:21:53 > 0:21:55more mature further to the left.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57And then the one on the left of the picture, that's nearly finished.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04DANNY: Actually looks like the world's dullest boy band, don't it?
0:22:04 > 0:22:06No Direction!
0:22:06 > 0:22:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:14 > 0:22:18And how did the old, old Labour leader Neil Kinnock
0:22:18 > 0:22:20make the news this week?
0:22:20 > 0:22:24Did he fall into the sea again? That was a big hit for him in his day.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25I don't know, what did he do?
0:22:25 > 0:22:27He was moved from his seat at a football match
0:22:27 > 0:22:29for making too much noise.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31He was watching Cardiff beat Fulham,
0:22:31 > 0:22:34but for some reason, was sitting at the Fulham end
0:22:34 > 0:22:36when he started celebrating a goal
0:22:36 > 0:22:40and I think we can imagine how that will have felt
0:22:40 > 0:22:42to the surrounding Fulham fans.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46First away match that they'd won in the top division since 1963.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48'61. '61? 1961 was the last time...
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Ian, stay with us,
0:22:50 > 0:22:53the last time Cardiff won an away game was 1961.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Did you predict this on your show?
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Thank you very much, of course we did.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59We have two toasters who predict results.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Which I think is the way forward for getting the electorate
0:23:02 > 0:23:05into voting booths. You've scrapped pundits and you have toasters.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08I think if they did this in voting booths, everyone would have more fun.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11You go in, there's a series of toasters, you put bread in them.
0:23:11 > 0:23:1465p a slice. You set them down at the same time and you sit there.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15You might find yourself voting BNP,
0:23:15 > 0:23:19but that, that is the gamble you take.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22That's too big a gamble! That's too big a gamble.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25The other party conferences have also been taking place.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Of course, it wouldn't be right not to show the traditional clip
0:23:28 > 0:23:30of what passes for a Lib Dem joke.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Now, you know how they always tell you to start your speech with a joke,
0:23:33 > 0:23:37and I spent some time trying to think of a tax-based joke,
0:23:37 > 0:23:39and I'm afraid I didn't manage to come up with one.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42The best thing I can do is to say how astonished I am
0:23:42 > 0:23:46that we almost got through Liberal Democrats spending an hour and three quarters talking about tax
0:23:46 > 0:23:49without anyone mentioning land value taxation.
0:23:51 > 0:23:52CATHY LAUGHS
0:23:52 > 0:23:53That's unfair!
0:23:53 > 0:23:57They're picked on the one person in the audience that wasn't laughing.
0:23:57 > 0:24:02And finally, would anyone like to see the chat-up technique
0:24:02 > 0:24:05of Danny "fancy a brandy" Alexander? Oh, yeah.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08This conference has been so busy, so many things to do.
0:24:08 > 0:24:13So I haven't been up, haven't been up late...relaxing in the bar.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17So, that's not a problem. That'll come on Wednesday, maybe?
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Maybe tonight. Maybe tonight? Good.
0:24:19 > 0:24:20How about you? Um...
0:24:24 > 0:24:25LAUGHTER
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Whenever I see him, I think of the Cairngorms National Park
0:24:30 > 0:24:33because he was Cairngorms National Park press officer, wasn't he?
0:24:33 > 0:24:36And that's how he'll always remain for me.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40Who was he talking to there? It wasn't you? No!
0:24:40 > 0:24:42That's actionable!
0:24:42 > 0:24:43CATHY: It is really, isn't it?
0:24:43 > 0:24:46He's talking to a correspondent, asking them for a brandy.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Were you there? I laugh it off, but inside, that hurt.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53I didn't know he was the press officer for the Cairngorms National Park.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55I hope I've got that right. Check your facts.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58"This is Channel 4. Yeah, Cairngorms...
0:24:58 > 0:25:00"Check your facts. Probably...
0:25:00 > 0:25:04"I think he's shagging that model who's the one I can't..."
0:25:04 > 0:25:07"That's all we've got from Channel 4 News tonight.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08"Might be true, might be not."
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Yes, this is the Labour Party Conference
0:25:12 > 0:25:15and the Daily Mail's character assassination of Marxist historian
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Ralph Miliband, who they described as:
0:25:19 > 0:25:22For legal reasons, we can't make any derogatory comments about
0:25:22 > 0:25:26Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre, but apparently his dad's an arsehole.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Sorry, sorry, sorry, WAS an arsehole!
0:25:30 > 0:25:31After it was revealed
0:25:31 > 0:25:34that The Mail On Sunday had sent an undercover reporter
0:25:34 > 0:25:35to his late uncle's memorial event,
0:25:35 > 0:25:39they apologised to Ed Miliband for the gross invasion of his privacy,
0:25:39 > 0:25:41in a letter they slipped under his bathroom door
0:25:41 > 0:25:43while he was on the loo.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Education Secretary Michael Gove is one of the few people
0:25:46 > 0:25:47to defend the Daily Mail,
0:25:47 > 0:25:50saying that political commentators should always have:
0:25:52 > 0:25:55I couldn't agree more, you four-eyed reptilian toss pot.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59APPLAUSE
0:25:59 > 0:26:03And now it's time to play The Wheel Of News Or Not News.
0:26:03 > 0:26:08I'll spin the wheel and you have to identify the story and tell me
0:26:08 > 0:26:10if it's news or not news.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14Cathy, all you have to think is, would we do this on Channel 4 News?
0:26:14 > 0:26:17And if the answer's yes, you'll know it could be either.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21So, let's spin the wheel.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23DRUM ROLL
0:26:25 > 0:26:26BUZZER
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Not news. It's, um... Well, what's the story?
0:26:29 > 0:26:31There isn't a story - it's not news.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38It's a policeman giving Iain Duncan Smith a head massage.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Clairvoyant police?
0:26:41 > 0:26:43It IS clairvoyant police.
0:26:43 > 0:26:44And it's...
0:26:45 > 0:26:49The police are going to be able to predict crimes before they happen.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53Ah! They'll be like Tom Cruise in Minority Report, only taller.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56And do you have any idea how they're going to do this? No. No.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59You think I'm making it up? No, not making it up.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02I think you're reading out something that somebody else has made up.
0:27:02 > 0:27:06Well, according to pre-crime Commander Simon Letchford...
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Pre-crime? Pre-crime.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Which has already identified the county of Midsomer.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Sounds absolutely ridiculous.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Someone has just...
0:27:21 > 0:27:24They put on the map where someone has just stolen something.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28By definition, there is now less to steal there,
0:27:28 > 0:27:31and so the chances of a burglary there MUST be reduced.
0:27:31 > 0:27:32It's all gone.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34OK, that makes some sense, yes, it does.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36No, it doesn't, it's just nonsense.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41In other crime news, what did this man do wrong?
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Is it the glasses or the suit?
0:27:44 > 0:27:46I'll give you a clue. Onions.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Pretended to be an onion? That wouldn't get you very far.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52It's not a crime. No. Should be.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55The onions made him cry, so he put his glasses on.
0:27:55 > 0:28:00That would be pretty thin for a news story - Man Cries Because Of Onion.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02You don't know, do you? No.
0:28:02 > 0:28:06He stole from Sainsbury's 20 times in three months
0:28:06 > 0:28:08by fooling the self-service scanner
0:28:08 > 0:28:11into thinking more expensive items were loose onions.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Did I say onion earlier
0:28:13 > 0:28:16without having any idea what this story was about? I did, didn't I?
0:28:16 > 0:28:19I said he pretended to be an onion. I gave you the clue "onion".
0:28:19 > 0:28:20Oh, did you?
0:28:20 > 0:28:24I heard it somewhere, I just wasn't listening. That's clairvoyance.
0:28:24 > 0:28:25I thought I was better than I was.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28They got onto him because...
0:28:32 > 0:28:34That's the end of Crime Today.
0:28:34 > 0:28:38This is the news of police plans to predict crimes before they happen.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40Will it work? It already has -
0:28:40 > 0:28:43in two years' time. Enjoy that one on Dave during the riots.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47The technique of identifying
0:28:47 > 0:28:50and arresting potential criminals before they commit a crime
0:28:50 > 0:28:53is based on a method developed by the Metropolitan Police...
0:28:53 > 0:28:54known as institutional racism.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00APPLAUSE
0:29:00 > 0:29:01Give it another spin.
0:29:01 > 0:29:02DRUM ROLL
0:29:04 > 0:29:05BUZZER
0:29:05 > 0:29:08Yes, Bridget Jones' Diary is coming out - this is news or not news -
0:29:08 > 0:29:11and the hero of the previous books is no longer with us.
0:29:11 > 0:29:15It started off in a Sunday newspaper who, not coincidently,
0:29:15 > 0:29:17had paid for the serialisation of the book.
0:29:17 > 0:29:20So the fact that they thought it was news may be due
0:29:20 > 0:29:22to the fact that they paid a great deal of money for it.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25And then it appears on this programme along with a stupid
0:29:25 > 0:29:27pre-crime report.
0:29:27 > 0:29:30Who killed Mark Darcy? I expect you already know!
0:29:30 > 0:29:31LAUGHTER
0:29:31 > 0:29:35I've got an idea. If we got ourselves a gallon of petrol,
0:29:35 > 0:29:37we could set fire to The Wheel Of News.
0:29:38 > 0:29:40How much is a litre of petrol?
0:29:40 > 0:29:4365p. Right, you're on.
0:29:43 > 0:29:45Everything's 65p.
0:29:45 > 0:29:47You're right, this is not news.
0:29:47 > 0:29:50This is the not news that an author has got a book out,
0:29:50 > 0:29:53but that didn't stop it being a story on the BBC 10 O'clock News.
0:29:53 > 0:29:55We didn't cover that one,
0:29:55 > 0:29:58but actually, there is a sort of poignant little twist to this,
0:29:58 > 0:30:00which is that Helen Fielding,
0:30:00 > 0:30:04her dad was tragically killed in a car crash when she was 24, and so
0:30:04 > 0:30:08apparently that's why there is this sort of poignancy to her writing.
0:30:08 > 0:30:10But that was 25 years ago.
0:30:10 > 0:30:12That's quite heartless, actually.
0:30:12 > 0:30:17Well, you know, my dad was killed 30 years ago. Well, he died, actually,
0:30:17 > 0:30:20but is that a reason for getting a book plug out?
0:30:20 > 0:30:24Mum died as well. I'm an orphan!
0:30:24 > 0:30:27You know what? Three years ago,
0:30:27 > 0:30:29three years ago yesterday, I was diagnosed with cancer,
0:30:29 > 0:30:33and that bloke up there ain't laughed at what I said once.
0:30:33 > 0:30:37There's nothing like mentioning cancer to get people laughing.
0:30:37 > 0:30:39You know what? Hey!
0:30:39 > 0:30:42Everybody, I'm here, and I lost three and a half stone.
0:30:42 > 0:30:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:43 > 0:30:47I thought it was just your bodycon shirt.
0:30:49 > 0:30:51But no, you're quite right.
0:30:51 > 0:30:53On Channel 4 News, you stuck to the big news...
0:30:53 > 0:30:55like this...
0:30:55 > 0:30:59I saw a man with a fan in the basket of his bicycle in Westminster today.
0:30:59 > 0:31:02That's a sign of the times. That's Channel 4 News.
0:31:05 > 0:31:07He might as well go, "I'll tell you what,
0:31:07 > 0:31:11"my garden is really the lawn. It's terrible. That's Channel 4 News."
0:31:12 > 0:31:15"Getting stuff up to the attic is really tricky.
0:31:15 > 0:31:17"That's Channel 4 News."
0:31:17 > 0:31:19Next spin.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22DRUM ROLL
0:31:22 > 0:31:23BUZZER
0:31:23 > 0:31:26RIP Mark Darcy's a fictional character. No, no.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29I deftly nudged it back with my hand. Pilots are asleep.
0:31:29 > 0:31:31Pilots are asleep. Next.
0:31:31 > 0:31:34You're right, it's pilots are asleep. Next.
0:31:34 > 0:31:37Is that news or not news? Not news. News. I think it's news.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40It's big news. These jumbo jets fix into a beam
0:31:40 > 0:31:42and land automatically. You don't actually need a pilot on board.
0:31:42 > 0:31:45They sometimes land them manually just to keep their hand in.
0:31:45 > 0:31:48Yes, but who's going to say, "Hello, this is Captain Collymore..."
0:31:48 > 0:31:50Captain Collymore would say that.
0:31:50 > 0:31:53So he doesn't need to fly it? He doesn't need anybody else.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56Do we know any specific airlines where this has been a problem?
0:31:56 > 0:31:58The ones that have pilots.
0:31:58 > 0:32:01That rules out Ryanair...
0:32:01 > 0:32:04No, it doesn't, because he'll sue.
0:32:04 > 0:32:07He's very touchy, Ryanair.
0:32:07 > 0:32:10Very touchy if you suggest no-frills has gone a bit far.
0:32:11 > 0:32:13I went on a Ryanair plane
0:32:13 > 0:32:15and I hadn't put my things in one of those plastic bags
0:32:15 > 0:32:18and they said, "Would you like a plastic bag?" I said, "Yeah."
0:32:18 > 0:32:22I put my toothpaste in and they said, "That'll be a quid."
0:32:22 > 0:32:24Isn't that shocking? That's news!
0:32:24 > 0:32:28They also said now you have to have correct change for the oxygen masks.
0:32:28 > 0:32:30Oh!
0:32:30 > 0:32:33According to The Times, both pilots
0:32:33 > 0:32:37on a Virgin Atlantic flight from Orlando to Manchester last month
0:32:37 > 0:32:40fell asleep at the controls of their Airbus A330.
0:32:40 > 0:32:41In the Virgin pilots' defence,
0:32:41 > 0:32:43they were probably taking pills to erase this image.
0:32:46 > 0:32:48You can see why he's a virgin.
0:32:49 > 0:32:50If I was one of the cabin crew,
0:32:50 > 0:32:53I'd play a joke on one of the sleeping pilots.
0:32:53 > 0:32:55First I'd light some paper under his nose, clash two dustbins
0:32:55 > 0:32:58and throw a bucket of water over him.
0:32:58 > 0:33:01So in his sleepiness, he'd assume he's crashed into the sea.
0:33:01 > 0:33:03Oh, imagine the larks!
0:33:03 > 0:33:06Get a printer, and get a really big picture of the face of Big Ben
0:33:06 > 0:33:08and put it on the windscreen for when he wakes up.
0:33:11 > 0:33:12And the last spin.
0:33:12 > 0:33:13DRUM ROLL
0:33:13 > 0:33:15BUZZER
0:33:15 > 0:33:18Ooh! It's a fictional character. Oh, no, no, no.
0:33:18 > 0:33:19America's gone bankrupt
0:33:19 > 0:33:22because it's a fictional character that's been killed off.
0:33:22 > 0:33:26And it's all closed. Republicans and Democrats can't agree on the budget.
0:33:26 > 0:33:28And is that news or not news? DANNY: Oh, it's news.
0:33:28 > 0:33:31The Republicans can't agree the fact that they lost. Yeah.
0:33:31 > 0:33:34They lost the election and they lost this vote repeatedly
0:33:34 > 0:33:38but the Tea Party, which is a sort of UKIP with guns, um...
0:33:42 > 0:33:45..have decided that basically, they don't care.
0:33:45 > 0:33:46Um, America, home of democracy,
0:33:46 > 0:33:49vote goes the wrong way, you refuse to accept it.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52So they've basically said, "No, we're not going to agree."
0:33:52 > 0:33:55So they would literally rather America close down
0:33:55 > 0:33:57than a very, very minor and not very radical change
0:33:57 > 0:33:59is made to public health care.
0:33:59 > 0:34:01There are 800,000 federal workers
0:34:01 > 0:34:03who've been forced to take unpaid leave.
0:34:03 > 0:34:04According to the Guardian:
0:34:08 > 0:34:10An idea they got from BT.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15APPLAUSE
0:34:15 > 0:34:17And the international consequences?
0:34:17 > 0:34:21It could send the rest of the world's economy plunging over a cliff again.
0:34:21 > 0:34:24They're almost too severe to comprehend, though this man's story
0:34:24 > 0:34:26will give you some idea of the torment this is causing.
0:34:26 > 0:34:29Already actually sent a text to my mate at home, saying,
0:34:29 > 0:34:32"Just about to go to the Statue of Liberty for my birthday,"
0:34:32 > 0:34:35and obviously now, I need to text him to say I'm not going,
0:34:35 > 0:34:37so yeah, bit of a disappointment.
0:34:37 > 0:34:39How much is a text?
0:34:39 > 0:34:41From America? A pint of text.
0:34:41 > 0:34:4365p. I think it's at least 65p.
0:34:45 > 0:34:49This is the news that America has closed until further notice.
0:34:49 > 0:34:52If your enquiry is urgent, please contact Canada.
0:34:53 > 0:34:56Time now for the Odd One Out round. One between you this week.
0:34:56 > 0:34:57Your four are...
0:34:57 > 0:35:01SpongeBob SquarePants, Sally Bercow,
0:35:01 > 0:35:04Walter Tell and Carmen Miranda.
0:35:04 > 0:35:06BUZZER Three!
0:35:06 > 0:35:08CATHY: Sally Bercow - fruitcake?
0:35:08 > 0:35:11No, she was caught. This... I'm sure I saw this on Channel 4 News.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14This was big. She was at one of the conferences
0:35:14 > 0:35:17balancing some item of fruit on her head in a bar.
0:35:17 > 0:35:19Yes, that's correct.
0:35:19 > 0:35:22Walter Tell, son of William, balanced an apple on his head
0:35:22 > 0:35:24and had it shot off by his father.
0:35:24 > 0:35:28Carmen Miranda had a whole bowl of fruit on her head.
0:35:28 > 0:35:31Fantastic, and sang Yes, We Have No Bananas.
0:35:31 > 0:35:32SpongeBob SquarePants...
0:35:32 > 0:35:34He's quite a guy.
0:35:35 > 0:35:36Bob is the odd one out.
0:35:36 > 0:35:40Is it because he... he's got a friend called Patrick?
0:35:41 > 0:35:43And he's the odd one out
0:35:43 > 0:35:45because nobody else knows anybody called Patrick.
0:35:45 > 0:35:47Where does SpongeBob live?
0:35:47 > 0:35:48Under the sea. In a pineapple.
0:35:48 > 0:35:50Yes, but also, under...?
0:35:50 > 0:35:52A pineapple. Yes!
0:35:52 > 0:35:54APPLAUSE
0:35:54 > 0:35:57Hello! Is there an echo? Did you say it? Is there an echo?
0:35:59 > 0:36:01Did you say under a pineapple first?
0:36:01 > 0:36:04There was a little echo over that side.
0:36:04 > 0:36:06You know what? Let them have it.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08Proper chairman, and God love you, Humph,
0:36:08 > 0:36:12would have said by now, "I'm going to award points to both sides."
0:36:12 > 0:36:15But I can't say it now. How spineless would I look?
0:36:17 > 0:36:19Yes, SpongeBob SquarePants is the odd one out.
0:36:19 > 0:36:22How would you describe his voice, Ian?
0:36:22 > 0:36:25Er, rough, manly.
0:36:26 > 0:36:28Touch of Lord Hailsham.
0:36:28 > 0:36:32Well, Tom Kenny, the man behind the distinctive voice,
0:36:32 > 0:36:33describes it as...
0:36:36 > 0:36:39Which is also a starter at Heston Blumenthal's.
0:36:41 > 0:36:44And, um, can you name any of Carmen Miranda's hits? Yes.
0:36:44 > 0:36:48BOTH: # I, I, I, I like you very much. #
0:36:48 > 0:36:51# Down among Brazilians coffee beans go by the millions
0:36:51 > 0:36:54# And they got a lot of coffee there to sell
0:36:54 > 0:36:57# There's an awful lot of coffee in Brazil. #
0:36:57 > 0:36:59At last! The show's coming to life!
0:37:00 > 0:37:04Carmen Miranda cracked America, but her English wasn't great.
0:37:04 > 0:37:05She told one magazine:
0:37:10 > 0:37:14She went on to teach Nancy Dell'Olio how to speak English.
0:37:14 > 0:37:16Yes, they've all had fruit on their heads
0:37:16 > 0:37:18apart from SpongeBob SquarePants,
0:37:18 > 0:37:22who lives under a pineapple in a fun town under the sea.
0:37:22 > 0:37:26Sort of like Blackpool will be once all the fracking starts.
0:37:26 > 0:37:27According to the Daily Mail,
0:37:27 > 0:37:31late one night at the Labour Party Conference, Sally Bercow...
0:37:32 > 0:37:35..tried to balance a pineapple on her head.
0:37:35 > 0:37:37"I really regret this embarrassing incident
0:37:37 > 0:37:40"and I'm just grateful I wasn't caught on camera looking so stupid,"
0:37:40 > 0:37:42said the pineapple.
0:37:42 > 0:37:44Time now for the Missing Words round,
0:37:44 > 0:37:47which this week features as its guest publication...
0:37:48 > 0:37:53Fantastic. Perfect if you fancy a short circuit round the lake.
0:37:53 > 0:37:55GROANING
0:37:55 > 0:37:57As electric boat puns, that's fairly high up.
0:37:57 > 0:37:59I thought that was pretty good.
0:37:59 > 0:38:01And we start with...
0:38:04 > 0:38:06One of the rounds on Bake Off.
0:38:12 > 0:38:15Do you think you could just add boiling water and he'll come back?
0:38:15 > 0:38:18The process reduces the body to powder, and has been
0:38:18 > 0:38:19pioneered by a company called:
0:38:21 > 0:38:23Whose slogan proudly states,
0:38:23 > 0:38:26"We're the people who put the gran into granules."
0:38:28 > 0:38:29Next:
0:38:32 > 0:38:34CATHY: Dancing Gangnam Style.
0:38:34 > 0:38:36Paul Hollywood.
0:38:36 > 0:38:39How would Paul Hollywood give people wobbly bottoms?
0:38:39 > 0:38:43Out of just sort of quivering with desire?
0:38:43 > 0:38:44The answer is simply!
0:38:47 > 0:38:50According to the Express...
0:38:53 > 0:38:56And I Love My Country has topped a list of shows
0:38:56 > 0:38:58that make you want to drink more.
0:38:58 > 0:38:59Next:
0:39:03 > 0:39:06Enchanted with electric boat.
0:39:06 > 0:39:09It is an electric boat. Oh, is it?
0:39:09 > 0:39:11MC Arse Admiral. I quite like that.
0:39:11 > 0:39:13Round here I'm known as the Arse Admiral.
0:39:13 > 0:39:16Because of what I can navigate.
0:39:16 > 0:39:17No, the answer is:
0:39:23 > 0:39:25There was a real buzz when that happened,
0:39:25 > 0:39:28but mainly because he'd wired up his boat incorrectly. Next:
0:39:31 > 0:39:34Pulls plug on political career as he admits that he's going to spend more
0:39:34 > 0:39:36time with his 16-year-old friends.
0:39:38 > 0:39:39Spend more time in jail!
0:39:39 > 0:39:41CATHY: On attempt to topple the government.
0:39:41 > 0:39:44Yes, quite right, news. News. Let's get back to news.
0:39:44 > 0:39:46You're absolutely right. It is:
0:39:50 > 0:39:52As his political career draws to a close,
0:39:52 > 0:39:55the one thing Berlusconi is desperately hoping for is immunity.
0:39:55 > 0:39:56Not just from prosecution,
0:39:56 > 0:39:59but also from every known sexually transmitted disease.
0:40:00 > 0:40:01And finally:
0:40:04 > 0:40:06DANNY: Eating yellow snow?
0:40:08 > 0:40:09No.
0:40:13 > 0:40:14GROANING
0:40:14 > 0:40:17This, erm... Is that a big problem in Iceland? Well, I imagine...
0:40:17 > 0:40:19There's not many of them there.
0:40:19 > 0:40:22I imagine it's a smaller gene pool than in other countries.
0:40:22 > 0:40:24It is dark a lot of the time, too.
0:40:25 > 0:40:28This is an app which tells you if your date is a relative.
0:40:28 > 0:40:31All you have to do is just press a button and Bob's your uncle.
0:40:31 > 0:40:34So...don't have sex with him!
0:40:34 > 0:40:37APPLAUSE
0:40:37 > 0:40:39So, the final scores are:
0:40:39 > 0:40:41Paul and Danny have six points
0:40:41 > 0:40:43but Ian and Cathy have seven.
0:40:43 > 0:40:45Yeah! Yeah!
0:40:45 > 0:40:47APPLAUSE
0:40:50 > 0:40:55And I leave you with news that in a bid to combat accusations of ageism,
0:40:55 > 0:40:58the BBC re-employ Percy Thrower on Gardeners' World.
0:41:01 > 0:41:02At the studios of Sky TV,
0:41:02 > 0:41:06as the set is constructed for his new Politics Show, Adam Boulton
0:41:06 > 0:41:09is about to regret naming the programme Talk It Through.
0:41:15 > 0:41:17And...
0:41:17 > 0:41:20And following the split in the Church of England over
0:41:20 > 0:41:22same-sex marriage, the Synod meets
0:41:22 > 0:41:25to discuss an even more controversial proposal.
0:41:28 > 0:41:30Good night.
0:41:30 > 0:41:32APPLAUSE
0:41:56 > 0:41:59Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd