0:00:37 > 0:00:41Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Martin Clunes.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44In the news this week - after receiving his Knighthood
0:00:44 > 0:00:46in the morning then heading straight to the park to take his son
0:00:46 > 0:00:50for his very first bike ride, it's a proud day for Bradley Wiggins.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54- PAUL:- Oh, here we go, here we go.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01AUDIENCE: Oh!
0:01:03 > 0:01:06AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:01:06 > 0:01:07At a football match in Southend
0:01:07 > 0:01:09there's joy for an Asian betting syndicate
0:01:09 > 0:01:12as the 1,000 to 1 event they predicted happens right on queue.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24And after the success of speedy boarding, easyJet pioneer
0:01:24 > 0:01:27new methods of getting people off the plane even quicker.
0:01:27 > 0:01:32# Everybody needs a Green Flag holiday... #
0:01:36 > 0:01:38On Ian's team tonight is a comedy writer and actress
0:01:38 > 0:01:40who has recently complained that
0:01:40 > 0:01:43"Every single element of a BBC programme is commented on
0:01:43 > 0:01:46"by six separate executives." And so, by a vote of four to two,
0:01:46 > 0:01:48- please welcome Jennifer Saunders. - Thank you.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51APPLAUSE
0:01:54 > 0:01:57And with Paul tonight is one of Britain's best-loved actors
0:01:57 > 0:01:59who famously voiced The Wombles,
0:01:59 > 0:02:02just about the only children's favourite from television
0:02:02 > 0:02:05of the 1970s not to be implicated in Operation Yewtree.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- Please welcome Bernard Cribbins. - Thank you very much.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11APPLAUSE
0:02:13 > 0:02:16And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Paul and Bernard, take a look at this.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22OK, yes, this is the event in South Africa, heavily rained on,
0:02:22 > 0:02:24which I think is meant to be a sign of good luck.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26There's a man on his own.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29And there is a man that's flirting
0:02:29 > 0:02:32with somebody whose wife's not pleased with. And that's...
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Oh, yes. This is the man who...
0:02:34 > 0:02:36DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER
0:02:36 > 0:02:40He's the interpreter who was trying to sign for deaf people
0:02:40 > 0:02:42and was just making it up completely.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Nobody had any idea what he was saying
0:02:45 > 0:02:49and his defence seems to be, "Well, the thing is I'm a schizophrenic."
0:02:49 > 0:02:52- I thought he was swatting flies most of the time.- Yeah.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55But he's offended everyone now. He's offended the schizophrenics.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58They said, "You're not schizophrenic, are you?
0:02:58 > 0:02:59"Cos you've done this before."
0:02:59 > 0:03:02People have complained before about this man.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03He said he heard voices in his head
0:03:03 > 0:03:06but he couldn't translate what they were saying.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08And he wasn't having any fun.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11He was just sort of making it up, doing this, whatever,
0:03:11 > 0:03:14and those speeches would have been great. You know, Mugabe's...
0:03:18 > 0:03:20I mean, he could have had a real laugh.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23But it wasn't his first time.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27We've got a clip of him here in action in 2012.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29HE SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE
0:03:42 > 0:03:44That made perfect sense to me.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48I think he was just announcing the sale at Leatherland.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Again, and that's the South African President, Zuma.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53And there's only one gesture for him, which is...
0:03:56 > 0:04:01Yes, this wasn't the... It wasn't the only, um...
0:04:01 > 0:04:03LAUGHTER
0:04:04 > 0:04:07We could chat like this for hours!
0:04:08 > 0:04:13But the funny signing man wasn't the only sign of a lowering of tone was it?
0:04:13 > 0:04:18JENNIFER: The Barack Obama selfie with the Danish Prime Minister and...
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Cameron leaning in for an outrageous selfie.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24- Big grins.- Big grins. Apart from the wife.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Michelle, yeah, she doesn't look happy there, does she?
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Well, you'd think being, you know, leaders of the free world,
0:04:29 > 0:04:32they might have thought that there's some other cameras.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35You don't need to take a picture of yourself at a funeral.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39There are about eight billion other people. You can get a copy.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41They'll probably send one.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- Look - bunch of teenagers.- I know.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46"Oh, look, there's a blonde prime minister!"
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Put it on Facebook.
0:04:48 > 0:04:49She's on Borgen!
0:04:51 > 0:04:54She's meant to be the most beautiful prime minster in the world.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Let me put my glasses on.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:58 > 0:05:01That can't be right!
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Yeah, apparently so. And she's married to Neil Kinnock's son.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- Justice!- Is that true?
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- I haven't made this up. - No, it is true, yeah.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14It's a lot interesting than Borgen, I tell you.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17"Hello, the Freedom party is having a coalition
0:05:17 > 0:05:19"with the Liberals, oh, no!"
0:05:20 > 0:05:23And a lot of people said there is no respect any more.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26This is Nelson Mandela's memorial service
0:05:26 > 0:05:30and you're just taking pictures of yourself like a bunch of teenagers.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33I think Mrs Obama's got a cigar in her hand as well, hasn't she?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Is she smoking a cigar?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38JENIFER: Put your glasses on, Bernard. Put your glasses on.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Hang on a minute.
0:05:40 > 0:05:41She got it from Clinton.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Don't light it, love.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50What did she do about the whole sorry affair, Michelle Obama?
0:05:50 > 0:05:54She made the most powerful man in the world feel a little bit...
0:05:54 > 0:05:56bit glum.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59She shouted at him.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01When he got up to do his speech,
0:06:01 > 0:06:04she took his place next to the Danish Prime Minister.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09BERNARD: Oh, look!
0:06:09 > 0:06:11JENNIFER: Oh, look!
0:06:11 > 0:06:15- That's very good.- And Cameron's changed as well, hasn't he?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Does anybody know who else Obama cosied up to?
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Yes, the Cuban Prime Minster - or President, rather.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26- Castro.- Castro, yeah.- Castro.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28It was a historic moment, or it should have been
0:06:28 > 0:06:31but he was a bit busy doing a selfie with the blonde.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33- So the world didn't really notice. - It was a historic moment.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35This is how Sky covered it.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Something to look forward to.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52So it was just more than a handshake at the end, wasn't it?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54- Naomi Campbell was there.- Yes.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Maybe hoping to pick up some blood diamonds.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00AUDIENCE: Oh!
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Full of war criminals.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10That's a cue for a picture, I think.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13Oh, not these two.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- Who wasn't invited, controversially? - I wasn't invited.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- You may know who else wasn't, either.- The Spice Girls?
0:07:28 > 0:07:29Absolutely.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Mandela said meeting The Spice Girls was one of the greatest
0:07:31 > 0:07:35moments of his life but when they told Desmond Tutu
0:07:35 > 0:07:37they weren't coming, here is his reaction.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47The South African president was booed but who was cheered to the rafters?
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Mugabe.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53That wasn't who I meant but he did get a cheer, didn't he?
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Tutu was cheered. Who else?
0:07:56 > 0:07:59It's Ban Ki-moon! We'll show the clip because it's a sort of
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Have I Got News For You Christmas tradition anyway.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04# I'm making a list
0:08:04 > 0:08:07# Checking it twice
0:08:07 > 0:08:09# Going to find out who's...
0:08:11 > 0:08:14# Going to find out who's...
0:08:14 > 0:08:16# Naughty or nice
0:08:17 > 0:08:22# Ban Ki-moon is coming to town. #
0:08:22 > 0:08:24APPLAUSE
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Oh, Ban Ki-moon! It would be funny if he suddenly turned up
0:08:28 > 0:08:31on EastEnders as one of the Moons.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36Did you hear any of the tributes that our House of Commons played?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Yes, there was a whole day of them.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Could have been done fairly quickly and elegantly, rather than
0:08:41 > 0:08:43a whole day of people saying, "Yeah, I nearly met him."
0:08:43 > 0:08:45"My wife's friend met him."
0:08:45 > 0:08:48"And he influenced me - me, cos I'm really great..."
0:08:48 > 0:08:54Gordon Brown I think said he taught him courage. "Me, courage. Courage."
0:08:54 > 0:08:55It's a lot of people talking about
0:08:55 > 0:08:59- themselves under the cover of the dead person.- Yes.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00I went to a funeral once.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Someone was giving a eulogy and a man said,
0:09:02 > 0:09:04"Is he going to mention the dead bloke at all?"
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Nick Clegg gave a very moving tribute. He said...
0:09:17 > 0:09:19STUDIO LAUGHTER
0:09:24 > 0:09:26What a lovely story(!)
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Whilst these solemn tributes were going on,
0:09:31 > 0:09:34David Cameron nipped out to do something more important -
0:09:34 > 0:09:37have his picture taken with Ant and Dec.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43APPLAUSE
0:09:45 > 0:09:49So this is the memorial service for Nelson Mandela.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Veteran ANC leader Cyril Ramaphosa told the crowd...
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Probably?!
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Bloody hell. If he's having trouble...
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Barack Obama was trembling with emotion as he made
0:10:04 > 0:10:06one of the most important speeches of his life.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09"It is important to remember it was only a photo, Michelle,
0:10:09 > 0:10:11"she means nothing to me."
0:10:13 > 0:10:14According to the Guardian...
0:10:18 > 0:10:22Early squabbling over the inheritance there.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Archbishop Tutu called for silence saying...
0:10:26 > 0:10:29A silence broken only by John Major muttering,
0:10:29 > 0:10:32- HE IMITATES JOHN MAJOR:- Actually, you can only hear a pin land.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Ian and Jennifer, take a look at this.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40Right.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45- Mm.- That's our world statesman.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Ooh, spooky. Like a waxwork.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Oh, there's his good side. There's his other good side.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54- Money.- Money.- Money, pay rise.
0:10:54 > 0:10:5611%, that's all I know about it.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59In order to avoid any further trouble,
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Parliament set up an independent body
0:11:01 > 0:11:03that would come up with the pay rise.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05- Have they, have they? - Yeah.- Have they?
0:11:05 > 0:11:07- They haven't avoided trouble, you see?- Oh.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Cos they've said 11% and the public has said,
0:11:10 > 0:11:12"That's 11 times more than we're getting."
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Then all the Party leaders obviously are panicking.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17They're going, "We don't want this. How on Earth has this happened?"
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Course they want it. Everyone wants a pay rise,
0:11:19 > 0:11:22but they have to pretend they don't want it now, which is harder.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26Yes, 11%, which is an extra £7,600 a year.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30But their defence is that if you don't give us this pay rise,
0:11:30 > 0:11:33we won't have enough money and we'll have to fiddle our expenses.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36- It's a very good defence.- Yeah.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37So you really must give us more money
0:11:37 > 0:11:40or we'll be incredibly greedy and dishonest.
0:11:40 > 0:11:41Danny Alexander called it...
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Whilst according to the male Tory Charles Walker...
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- The male Tory?- The male Tory?
0:11:50 > 0:11:53- Yes.- What other type is there?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55I didn't see that cheeky little comma hiding in there.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57BERNARD: You've only got one, have you?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Whilst according to the Mail...
0:12:03 > 0:12:04Tory Charles Walker...
0:12:04 > 0:12:06- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Nice to hear them again.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12The MP for Broxbourne said...
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Adding...
0:12:20 > 0:12:22No, it won't.
0:12:22 > 0:12:23HE MOUTHS
0:12:25 > 0:12:28The 11% rise for MPs will be funded from reductions elsewhere.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30They're going to clamp down on a few things.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33- Do we know?- Their pensions.
0:12:33 > 0:12:34- Their expenses.- Mm.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Each horse in the household cavalry will lose at least one leg.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41And tea and biscuits.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44This will save somewhere in the region of £1 billion.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49The Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority,
0:12:49 > 0:12:52in a recent survey, asked MPs how much they think they should be paid.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55- Did you hear what that revealed? - A lot.- Quite interesting, actually.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59Well, Labour were nearest. They said that members should be paid £77,000.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01- Greedy Lib Dems... - Greedy ones.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03..wanted £78,000,
0:13:03 > 0:13:07whilst the Tories plumped for £97,000.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11- Surprise, surprise.- How close can we get to 100 without appearing greedy?
0:13:11 > 0:13:1297.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Balls came under pressure this week. Can anybody tell us about that?
0:13:15 > 0:13:19RAUCOUS LAUGHTER FROM AUDIENCE MEMBER
0:13:22 > 0:13:24There's some kind of weird duck in the audience.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27You were here last week, weren't you?
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Balls came under pressure this week, can anybody tell about that?
0:13:30 > 0:13:31- No.- Ed Balls.- Thank you.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35- The debate on the Autumn Statement. - Yeah, he didn't do very well.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38There appears to be a recovery, which is very bad news
0:13:38 > 0:13:41if you've been saying for years there never will be.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43But he had a real problem and everyone shouted at him.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44And he was very cross.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47He went redder and redder in the face, and then he exploded.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Did he explode? I missed that, the explosion.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- Have we got that on film?- Yeah.- No, cos you're not allowed to show...
0:13:53 > 0:13:56You're not allowed to show a man explode in the House of Commons?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59- Oh, come on.- Anyway, he reacted in a very calm and statesman-like way.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02He said, "I don't give a toss what you think."
0:14:02 > 0:14:07For a man name Balls, he handles himself very badly.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10- Do we know what he got up to at the weekend?- He was playing the piano.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12That's right, at a celebrity piano concert.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16He sneaked in when the celebrities weren't looking.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19What, do you have to play a celebrity as if they were a piano?
0:14:19 > 0:14:21BERNARD: That could be fun. I shall volunteer.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24After the disaster at last year's French horn concert...
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- I was hoping he'd play something like...- Yeah, Schumann.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34..Great Balls Of Fire or something.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36He didn't. He played...
0:14:36 > 0:14:39He played a piece for children.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Which was sweet and it showed his softer side.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Has he learned to take the lid up yet?
0:14:47 > 0:14:49You've got to be really good to play through the lid.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52You've got to have really strong fingers. The best can do it.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Oscar Peterson never lifted the lid up once in his life.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Play it through the lid.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57He told the Telegraph...
0:15:00 > 0:15:02..when he'd finished.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08So this week, David Cameron got into trouble. Do you know what for?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10- Is this the Nigella question? - Oh, yes.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13He said that he was a great fan of Nigella's recipes,
0:15:13 > 0:15:16particularly the ones involving white powder up your nose.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21He said, "I'm Team Nigella." And the judge said,
0:15:21 > 0:15:24"Can you not make those sort of remarks, Prime Minister?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26"It's not very helpful."
0:15:26 > 0:15:28It'd be like me saying I'm Team Rebekah.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33But I wouldn't do that.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36- You want to spend Christmas at home, don't you?- I do.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Now the festive season is upon us,
0:15:38 > 0:15:41and all the Party leaders have personal Christmas cards.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44They were in the papers this week. Let's have a look at them.
0:15:44 > 0:15:45This is Ed Miliband's card.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47JENNIFER: Oh, Lord.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50- No, it isn't.- Oh, dear.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51That's the Boden catalogue.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57I ordered that jumper. It's rubbish.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01It's sad when parents wish their children
0:16:01 > 0:16:06were two-inches taller than they actually are. Sad, isn't it?
0:16:06 > 0:16:07Here's David Cameron's card.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Mm.
0:16:09 > 0:16:10Oh, stop it.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Just screams Christmas, doesn't it?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18But it's black and white to show which era
0:16:18 > 0:16:20we're heading back to.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23This is the card sent out by Nick And Miriam Clegg.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Apparently Miriam loaded a digital version of the photo onto
0:16:30 > 0:16:34an iPad and told the three boys to do whatever they like and
0:16:34 > 0:16:38when she had erased that, she drew a Santa hat on his head.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Finally, nothing says Christmas like
0:16:41 > 0:16:44the personalised card of a washed up ex-UKIP MEP.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47So, let's have a look at Godfrey Bloom's Christmas card.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Do you know who came up with the idea for the card?
0:16:52 > 0:16:55- Was it Santa?- Mrs Bloom.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56He told the Daily Star...
0:17:03 > 0:17:04It is Christmas.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Better now than never.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11They won't expect it.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14This is the MPs' proposed 11% pay rise.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17According to a spokesman for Nick Clegg...
0:17:18 > 0:17:21As it's not coming in till after the next election,
0:17:21 > 0:17:22it's a pretty safe bet.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25According to the Mail...
0:17:27 > 0:17:28Good thinking, Tories.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30If you give it to Comic Relief you are also helping your old
0:17:30 > 0:17:32buddies in the arms industry.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Come on, it's Christmas.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40According to a survey of European MPs,
0:17:40 > 0:17:43the country that pays politicians the least is Poland.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47Although many Polish MPs have extra jobs and second homes...here.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Meanwhile, Ed Balls has been defending his poor
0:17:52 > 0:17:54performance in the debate on the Autumn Statement.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57He told Sky News that in the face of Tory heckling,
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Ed Miliband told him to keep going.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02You can only assume the heckling was so loud
0:18:02 > 0:18:06he didn't hear the first bit, get your coat, fuck off and keep going.
0:18:13 > 0:18:18At the end of that round it's two points each. Jolly well done.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25And so to Round Two, The Picture Spin Quiz.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Fingers on buzzers, please, teams.
0:18:34 > 0:18:35BUZZER
0:18:35 > 0:18:38- This is monkeys stealing things. - Baboons.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40They managed to open a window, get in and wreck the place.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42JENNIFER: Whereabouts is this?
0:18:42 > 0:18:45- It's...- Wigan. Surbiton!
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Wigan.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49If the picture were lower down we could see
0:18:49 > 0:18:52what they were actually stealing. I can't remember but it was like
0:18:52 > 0:18:54a television or a blanket or something.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- Let's have a look. There's other pictures.- A sofa.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58- It's a teddy.- They kidnapped Pudsey.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Children In Need won't have him next year.
0:19:02 > 0:19:03They got some linen.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06And some more linen.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12- Look at that one just stuck on the wall.- Exactly.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Can I have one for Christmas, please?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18- What, a thieving baboon?- Yes.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Think of all the presents you'd get.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24My booty...
0:19:27 > 0:19:30They're very scary. When I went to Cape Town
0:19:30 > 0:19:32a big one got in our car.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36So we jumped out and we couldn't get back in the car.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Just sitting in the driver's seat messing around for ages.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41How did it get in the car in the first place?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43I left the door open.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49Further animal news, what heinous crime did another animal,
0:19:49 > 0:19:50it is a bit closer to home?
0:19:50 > 0:19:53- Heinous crime?- With an H.
0:19:58 > 0:19:59Right, I'll tell you.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02When Jon and Steve Roles were caught without a tax disc
0:20:02 > 0:20:06they were given a £100 fine which was waived
0:20:06 > 0:20:08when they told the police that a snail ate it.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12And sent this picture in.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- That is just so good.- Yes, yes.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21This is the news that a gang of baboons have been
0:20:21 > 0:20:24photographed burgling an apartment block in Cape Town.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Of course, the good thing about baboon burglars is
0:20:26 > 0:20:27they may shit on your carpet
0:20:27 > 0:20:30but at least they throw it out of the window afterwards.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35And meanwhile, in Yeovil, a motorist was let off a fine after
0:20:35 > 0:20:38successfully claiming that a snail had eaten his tax disc.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41A bit far-fetched but good enough to convince Jimmy Carr to buy
0:20:41 > 0:20:42himself a few snails!
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54BELL RINGS
0:20:54 > 0:20:58JENNIFER: Oh, Damian Lewis said he didn't want to end up as a fruity-voiced
0:20:58 > 0:21:00actor playing wizards.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03And everyone assumed he meant like Ian McKellen.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Damian Lewis said he left the RSC in his 20s
0:21:07 > 0:21:09because he didn't want to end up...
0:21:19 > 0:21:22That fairly hits the nail on the head, doesn't it?
0:21:22 > 0:21:24He offered an explanation for the fruity voice,
0:21:24 > 0:21:27- do you know what that is? - He said actors have to fill halls.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31- He has to be heard. - Their voices get richer and richer.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36According to Sir Ian, as, urgh, ooh, urgh, ooh!
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Sir Ian McKellen claims that as for the fruity voice,
0:21:42 > 0:21:45actors have to be heard and their voice may therefore develop
0:21:45 > 0:21:48a sonorous quality that they can't quite get rid of.
0:21:48 > 0:21:53- I can't fucking say it.- Son-or-ous?!
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Sounds like a friend of Sir Lancelot!
0:21:56 > 0:22:00As for a fruity voice, actors have to be heard.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03That's brilliant, that's funny.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05..an openly homosexual wizard.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15- Sir Ian McKellen actually claims... - OK, beautiful.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26Still doesn't explain Brian Blessed though, does it?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29In other slightly fruity news, two soldiers in Birmingham have
0:22:29 > 0:22:32unexpectedly been getting involved in the theatre, do you know how?
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Have they been brought in to keep the peace between elderly
0:22:35 > 0:22:38actors shouting "Get you!" at each other?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40"Get you, you fruity-voiced wizard."
0:22:40 > 0:22:43I played Stratford in 1963.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46This is part of a training exercise,
0:22:46 > 0:22:49two soldiers had to make it from Birmingham to London undetected.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- Dressed as fruit! - Without spending any money.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53Dressed as a box of melons!
0:22:53 > 0:22:57So, they popped into a local theatrical school
0:22:57 > 0:22:59and asked them to come up with a disguise
0:22:59 > 0:23:03so here are Rifleman Jordan Bryce and Chris Edwards as
0:23:03 > 0:23:07they usually look and here they are in full camouflage.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13BERNARD: The one on the right looks like Sarah Millican!
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Two British soldiers disguised themselves as old ladies to
0:23:21 > 0:23:24travel from Birmingham to London as part of an Army initiative test.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26It was all going really well
0:23:26 > 0:23:29until a visibly aroused Wayne Rooney stopped to offer them a lift.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45BUZZER
0:23:45 > 0:23:47This is the corruption in football.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50There's so many ways of betting on a football match now.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51It's not just about goals.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55So players are being bribed to suit syndicates out in Singapore and places like that.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Is this a real picture?!
0:23:57 > 0:24:01They seem quite blatant about this match fixing.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Ex-Premier League star Sam Sodje.
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Sodje.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Scottish?
0:24:10 > 0:24:13He was filmed by an undercover investigator
0:24:13 > 0:24:15claiming he could arrange for players to be booked or sent off
0:24:15 > 0:24:17in exchange for cash.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19He himself claims to have received £70,000
0:24:19 > 0:24:21for getting sent off
0:24:21 > 0:24:24but he found it difficult, do you know why?
0:24:24 > 0:24:27- Oh, because the referee didn't see him.- That's right.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29He did it behind the referee's back.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31He punched a player twice in the groin...
0:24:33 > 0:24:36..to get a red card. He said...
0:24:46 > 0:24:49We should point out that they deny all the allegations.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52- Is it serious?- It is quite serious. - Does it matter?
0:24:52 > 0:24:54It's like cricket. You know about cricket and fixing.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57It's the same. You don't want your cricket matches fixed.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Well, I wouldn't mind at the moment.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Obviously now you'd be quite happy.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05On the subject of physical fitness,
0:25:05 > 0:25:08does anybody know what this man is doing?
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Is it the Vivienne Westwood Winter Collection?
0:25:11 > 0:25:15This is Zhang Fuxing, I'm sure I've pronounced that correctly.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19This man thinks that by attaching 31-stone weights
0:25:19 > 0:25:21to each foot everyday,
0:25:21 > 0:25:24and walking 15 metres,
0:25:24 > 0:25:26he can cure back pain and haemorrhoids.
0:25:26 > 0:25:31It would certainly give you something else to think about, wouldn't it?
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Do you want to see him using his invention.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38I can see why he's got back problems.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44He's going to give himself a bad front.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46He's definitely going to miss the bus.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52This is the football match fixing scandal.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54There was a very suspicious match
0:25:54 > 0:25:56played by Billericay Town last year.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59A spokesman denied that the club engaged in match fixing
0:25:59 > 0:26:01and urged the players to focus on next Saturday's
0:26:01 > 0:26:023-1 victory over Maidstone.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Fingers on your buzzers, teams.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12BELL RINGS
0:26:12 > 0:26:16- Oh, he had his uncle taken out of the picture behind him.- Yes.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20Because his uncle had embarrassed the nation...
0:26:20 > 0:26:24by wearing spectacles, or something.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28That was the only crime he wasn't accused of!
0:26:28 > 0:26:30He doesn't photograph well, to be honest.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33He's just a shadow of his former self.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37He was accused by him of dreaming different dreams.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Which is not allowed in Korea now.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45Is that cut-out, is that...
0:26:45 > 0:26:48IAN: They haven't got Photoshop in North Korea yet.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53- What is that?- They haven't got airbrush technology.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57- I thought he was quite a little man. The uncle.- Hm?
0:26:57 > 0:27:00SHOUTING: We thought the uncle was quite a little man!
0:27:02 > 0:27:08- Can we see the real picture? - Yes, let's look at the real picture. - Let's look at the real picture! OK.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13They haven't got Photoshop at the BBC either.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17Do you know what else he was accused of? Shall I tell you?
0:27:25 > 0:27:28He wasn't running the Co-op bank, was he?!
0:27:39 > 0:27:42In North Korea, Kim Jong Un has again flexed his muscles,
0:27:42 > 0:27:45this time by having an irritating uncle removed.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48North Korean analyst Joshua Stanton said...
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Certainly wasn't the man in the chip shop.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02JENNIFER: That's very funny.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Or the hairdresser for that matter!
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Staying in the Far East,
0:28:08 > 0:28:12does anybody know what can make you impervious to missile attacks?
0:28:12 > 0:28:15A special cream, special ointment that makes you impervious.
0:28:15 > 0:28:20- You smear all over yourself. - No, it's not, strangely. It's smog.
0:28:20 > 0:28:21Smog?
0:28:21 > 0:28:24The Global Times in China reported that on the battlefield it
0:28:24 > 0:28:27can serve as an advantage in military operations.
0:28:27 > 0:28:31The state broadcaster said smog makes people funnier.
0:28:33 > 0:28:37Nice and clear in here, isn't it?!
0:28:38 > 0:28:41Talking about the long-term effects of its toxic atmosphere,
0:28:41 > 0:28:45environmentalists in China have warned about the Devastation Of Smog.
0:28:45 > 0:28:49Apparently it's even longer than the first Hobbit film.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53I like that.
0:28:55 > 0:28:58Which means that at the end of this round,
0:28:58 > 0:29:04Ian and Jennifer have four, as do Paul and, um...
0:29:04 > 0:29:06I'm sorry, what?!
0:29:06 > 0:29:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:12 > 0:29:14Bernard.
0:29:14 > 0:29:17Write it down for him!
0:29:18 > 0:29:23- Sorry, I haven't been well. - You'll be even worse in a minute!
0:29:25 > 0:29:27Which means at the end of this round, Ian
0:29:27 > 0:29:31and Jennifer have four points and Paul and Bernard have four points.
0:29:31 > 0:29:32It's a tie.
0:29:35 > 0:29:37APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:29:39 > 0:29:43Now it's time for the Odd One Out Round. Paul and Bernard,
0:29:43 > 0:29:46Antigone, Samuel Pepys, Bernard Cribbins
0:29:46 > 0:29:49and some Franciscan monks in Leicester.
0:29:49 > 0:29:52Antigone, I don't know anything about that.
0:29:52 > 0:29:53I did the play once.
0:29:53 > 0:29:55Something to do with your career, Bernard.
0:29:55 > 0:29:56Story-telling?
0:29:56 > 0:29:58BELL RINGS We know it.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00It's to do with holes and burying.
0:30:00 > 0:30:04Because Hole In The Ground
0:30:04 > 0:30:06Bernard did a song called Hole In The Ground.
0:30:06 > 0:30:07How did it go?
0:30:07 > 0:30:10# There I was digging this hole
0:30:10 > 0:30:11# Hole in the ground
0:30:11 > 0:30:14# So big and so round... #
0:30:14 > 0:30:17It was Noel Coward's favourite when he did Desert Island Discs.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19And he said "If he could only have one record, Mr Coward,
0:30:19 > 0:30:20"which would you take?"
0:30:20 > 0:30:23He said, "I'd take Mr Cribbins doing Hole In The Ground." Why?
0:30:23 > 0:30:27"I could translate it into French as I walked up and down the beach."
0:30:34 > 0:30:38It's about burying because Antigone was trying to bury her brother
0:30:38 > 0:30:39and her uncle wouldn't let her.
0:30:39 > 0:30:43The Leicester must be the Richard III burial.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46They want to bury him or they did bury him.
0:30:46 > 0:30:49What we're looking for is an odd one out.
0:30:52 > 0:30:54They all put stuff in a hole in the ground
0:30:54 > 0:30:57apart from Bernard, who just sang about it.
0:30:57 > 0:31:00I actually put a man in there at the end.
0:31:00 > 0:31:01There's a clue.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03It wasn't a man, it was cheese.
0:31:03 > 0:31:04Yes.
0:31:07 > 0:31:10They all buried someone apart from Pepys who buried his cheese
0:31:10 > 0:31:12and that's not a euphemism.
0:31:15 > 0:31:18- Right Said Fred.- Right Said Fred, that finished with somebody
0:31:18 > 0:31:19getting squashed, as well.
0:31:19 > 0:31:21Any hits not involving fatalities?
0:31:21 > 0:31:26No, a couple of hymns...
0:31:26 > 0:31:28In Greek mythology Antigone buried her dead brother
0:31:28 > 0:31:31- and how does the story end, Ian? - Badly.
0:31:31 > 0:31:34It's a Greek tragedy, everyone dies.
0:31:34 > 0:31:38- So, Antigone was sentenced to death to be buried alive.- Yeah, not good.
0:31:38 > 0:31:42- So, she hung herself.- Yeah, and then Bernard did a really funny song
0:31:42 > 0:31:45about it.
0:31:45 > 0:31:48# Stop hanging about, Antigone
0:31:48 > 0:31:51# You're making a mess on the floor...#
0:31:51 > 0:31:54# We just cleaned up last Saturday
0:31:54 > 0:31:57# We don't want to do it no more...#
0:31:57 > 0:31:59All together now.
0:31:59 > 0:32:01APPLAUSE
0:32:03 > 0:32:06They've all buried someone, apart from Samuel Pepys,
0:32:06 > 0:32:09who buried his cheese to save it from the Great Fire of London.
0:32:09 > 0:32:12The monks who buried Richard III wore grey garments
0:32:12 > 0:32:13and were hence known as the Greyfriars.
0:32:13 > 0:32:17Just as those who wore black garments were known as the Blackfriars.
0:32:17 > 0:32:20And the profound thinkers who ate a lot, the deep fat friars.
0:32:23 > 0:32:24Bernard Cribbins is, of course,
0:32:24 > 0:32:27much-loved for providing all the voices of The Wombles.
0:32:27 > 0:32:30He is still working even though he's long been eligible for a free
0:32:30 > 0:32:33travel card or, as he calls it, his Underground/Overground card.
0:32:36 > 0:32:37Give me a break.
0:32:37 > 0:32:40I was thinking about Uncle Bulgaria coming over in January.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50Ian and Jennifer, here are yours.
0:32:50 > 0:32:54Bus spotters, Tory MPs, Greg Dyke and Captain Cook.
0:32:54 > 0:32:59Greg Dyke has only been in the news for making a strange cut-throat
0:32:59 > 0:33:02gesture when the draw for the World Cup happened.
0:33:02 > 0:33:03What does that mean?
0:33:03 > 0:33:05It means no chance.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08He said it was just banter, It was just a little bit of banter.
0:33:08 > 0:33:12Captain Cook, he died after making gestures to his men.
0:33:12 > 0:33:14He was killed when he went to Hawaii.
0:33:14 > 0:33:17- Tories in the Commons.- Do they make gestures to the opposition?
0:33:17 > 0:33:19- Is it gestures?- It is gestures, yes.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21I'm not going to tell you what about the gestures.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24So, the odd one out is the bus spotters.
0:33:24 > 0:33:26- Cos people make gestures at them.- Yes.
0:33:28 > 0:33:29Get out the way.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31You're absolutely right.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33They've all got in trouble for a hand gesture.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36Apart from bus spotters who say their hobby is being ruined
0:33:36 > 0:33:39by rude hand gestures...
0:33:39 > 0:33:41From other people.
0:33:41 > 0:33:43According to Harry Blakeway and Martin Anderson too many
0:33:43 > 0:33:49of the 250,000 plus photos they have taken of buses around the country
0:33:49 > 0:33:51feature bus drivers doing this...
0:33:55 > 0:33:57One more on top.
0:33:57 > 0:34:00Why are the bus drivers so angry about the bus spotters?
0:34:00 > 0:34:03Cos they've been spotted. Cos they're all signing on probably.
0:34:07 > 0:34:10OK, so Greg Dyke...what did England boss Roy Hodgson think
0:34:10 > 0:34:11of Dyke's reaction?
0:34:11 > 0:34:12He said he didn't see it
0:34:12 > 0:34:14but there's a photograph that looked as if he did.
0:34:14 > 0:34:16Here's an artist's impression,
0:34:16 > 0:34:18we're not allowed to show the actual picture.
0:34:24 > 0:34:26- Tory MPs?- Gesturing to women.
0:34:26 > 0:34:29Going, "Ooh, hello. Hello, love...get them out!"
0:34:29 > 0:34:33Erm, yeah, pretty much. Recently elected Labour MP for Rotherham,
0:34:33 > 0:34:38Sarah Champion, complained about Tory MPs making lewd hand gestures.
0:34:38 > 0:34:41Members of the public regularly write in to complain about how
0:34:41 > 0:34:44all MPs behave. According to the Mail, one message sent in
0:34:44 > 0:34:45November said...
0:35:01 > 0:35:04Kind of Her Majesty to find the time to write in.
0:35:06 > 0:35:07APPLAUSE
0:35:09 > 0:35:13So, they've all got in trouble for a hand gesture apart from bus
0:35:13 > 0:35:17spotters who say their hobby is being ruined by rude hand gestures.
0:35:17 > 0:35:20The two bus spotters, Harry Blakeway and Martin Anderson
0:35:20 > 0:35:22have been accused of being bus perverts.
0:35:22 > 0:35:24And if you are wondering what their wives think,
0:35:24 > 0:35:27you haven't really thought this through.
0:35:30 > 0:35:34Captain Cook died when he was attacked by natives in the Pacific.
0:35:34 > 0:35:35According to one biography...
0:35:41 > 0:35:44Apparently too much Cook spoiled the broth. Yes!
0:35:50 > 0:35:52I'll never starve.
0:35:53 > 0:35:56You've got lots of food hoarded, have you?!
0:35:59 > 0:36:03Where is he off to? Come on, it will get better.
0:36:07 > 0:36:09Sod you, then!
0:36:11 > 0:36:13PAUL: Send help!
0:36:18 > 0:36:20I think a bit of slot came out of them.
0:36:20 > 0:36:22I've been in this chair for 22 years!
0:36:22 > 0:36:25Why'd you keep asking me all these questions?
0:36:25 > 0:36:27So, it's time now for the missing words round.
0:36:27 > 0:36:29Which this week features as its guest publication,
0:36:29 > 0:36:31Meat Goat Monthly.
0:36:35 > 0:36:37The magazine of the meat goat industry.
0:36:37 > 0:36:40When I heard about Meat Goat Monthly, I thought, finally
0:36:40 > 0:36:44someone's making it easier for busy professionals to meet goats.
0:36:45 > 0:36:46Also available online,
0:36:46 > 0:36:49though their website does attract a lot of trolls.
0:36:52 > 0:36:55We start with Mary Berry.
0:36:58 > 0:37:00Have a soggy bottom.
0:37:03 > 0:37:06Burnt my baps...I don't know.
0:37:07 > 0:37:10I've killed seven men in cold blood.
0:37:13 > 0:37:17- I hit children.- Oh, yes, with a spoon.- With a butter patter, yes.
0:37:17 > 0:37:20Mary Berry claimed on Piers Morgan's chat show that sometimes
0:37:20 > 0:37:23a slap on the legs can help. Or in Piers Morgan's case
0:37:23 > 0:37:25a punch in the throat will suffice.
0:37:26 > 0:37:28Next...
0:37:30 > 0:37:32BERNARD: Pillock.
0:37:36 > 0:37:40- Inn.- Premier Inn.
0:37:40 > 0:37:42Beer. Sausage. Goat.
0:37:42 > 0:37:44It is goat!
0:37:44 > 0:37:46If you are in a relationship with a goat,
0:37:46 > 0:37:48the most important thing is trust.
0:37:48 > 0:37:53- Make sure the goat is thoroughly - trussed- before you try anything tricky.
0:37:53 > 0:37:55Next...
0:37:58 > 0:37:59I read this.
0:37:59 > 0:38:03The police, they issued an advent calendar,
0:38:03 > 0:38:05a cheery one for Christmas,
0:38:05 > 0:38:08and every day you open a window and there's a local burglar.
0:38:09 > 0:38:12- Who is wanted.- Absolutely right.
0:38:12 > 0:38:14Nottinghamshire police have been criticised for producing
0:38:14 > 0:38:17an advent calendar which features a wanted criminal behind every
0:38:17 > 0:38:19door in the run-up to Christmas day.
0:38:19 > 0:38:23Apparently they are having a lot of trouble catching King Herod, the notorious child killer.
0:38:25 > 0:38:26Next.
0:38:29 > 0:38:32Have no problem hiring Mary Berry as an assassin.
0:38:34 > 0:38:38- Have no problem eating a whole goat for breakfast.- Yeah, exactly.
0:38:46 > 0:38:49Next...
0:38:49 > 0:38:51On the left-hand side if you are in this country,
0:38:51 > 0:38:53the right-hand side if you are in Europe.
0:38:56 > 0:39:01Discreetly with a false beard. In the Shropshire annual goat Festival.
0:39:02 > 0:39:06- They're taking me next year. - Will you be entering him?- No, no.
0:39:12 > 0:39:14Trying to get a guesthouse is hard enough.
0:39:18 > 0:39:20Jehovah's Witnesses.
0:39:23 > 0:39:25Have you heard the news about Jesus?
0:39:26 > 0:39:28That's parrots.
0:39:28 > 0:39:30I can't do a cockerel, bloody hell.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33You're lucky it was some sort of bird.
0:39:39 > 0:39:41- Let's see it.- Here's Batman.
0:39:43 > 0:39:47Of course they don't make chicken film stars like they used to.
0:39:47 > 0:39:50Hen-ry Fonda... There's more.
0:39:50 > 0:39:54Gregory Peck's got to be in there somewhere.
0:39:54 > 0:39:56..and Gwyneth Poultry.
0:39:57 > 0:40:00So, look at this, the final score, just before Christmas,
0:40:00 > 0:40:04are Ian and Jennifer have nine, and Paul and Bernard have five.
0:40:04 > 0:40:06APPLAUSE
0:40:09 > 0:40:12But, before we all hang our stockings up,
0:40:12 > 0:40:14there's just time for the caption competition.
0:40:14 > 0:40:17JENNIFER: It's a beaver on a laptop.
0:40:21 > 0:40:23Could it be logging on?
0:40:33 > 0:40:36Do you know what's weird about the word beaver?
0:40:36 > 0:40:40Is that there is a place in America called Beaver Creek.
0:40:40 > 0:40:44And we went into Beaver Creek and in the town there is a shop that
0:40:44 > 0:40:47sells alcohol and it's called Beaver Liquors.
0:40:47 > 0:40:52Now that is absolutely... I've got a photo.
0:40:52 > 0:40:56On which note...
0:40:56 > 0:40:58We say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop
0:40:58 > 0:41:02and Jennifer Saunders, Paul Merton and Bernard Cribbins.
0:41:02 > 0:41:05And I leave you with news that in South Africa there's evidence that
0:41:05 > 0:41:07the official in charge of booking the deaf signer
0:41:07 > 0:41:09for Nelson Mandela's memorial has been relieved of his duties.
0:41:13 > 0:41:1620 years after construction began, Madame Tussauds finally
0:41:16 > 0:41:19complete their waxwork of Sting and his wife, Trudie.
0:41:22 > 0:41:24And, in central London, a man decides to Google
0:41:24 > 0:41:27himself to find out what people think about him.
0:41:30 > 0:41:32Good night.