0:00:40 > 0:00:43Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45I'm Mel Giedroyc. - I'm Ray Winstone.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47I'm Richard Osman. - I'm Kathy Burke.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49I'm Jo Brand. In the news this week,
0:00:49 > 0:00:53backstage at Strictly Come Dancing, Bruce Forsyth's family
0:00:53 > 0:00:57watch him finally get to the end of an autocue link.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00LAUGHTER
0:01:00 > 0:01:03As the major parties gear up for the next election,
0:01:03 > 0:01:06one householder is just a few seconds too late
0:01:06 > 0:01:08in pretending he's not at home.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:15 > 0:01:18There's evidence that whilst Nigella Lawson was on drugs
0:01:18 > 0:01:21she may have made a few mistakes with her burrito recipe.
0:01:24 > 0:01:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:29 > 0:01:30And in Cyprus,
0:01:30 > 0:01:33after his meeting with the Finance Minister is cancelled,
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls has two hours to kill
0:01:36 > 0:01:37before his flight home.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:01:48 > 0:01:52This is the funeral of Margaret Thatcher, and the man of the moment,
0:01:52 > 0:01:55who's had a haircut, by the look of it.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Oh! LAUGHTER
0:01:57 > 0:02:00A man with clear political vision.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02I did think that about halfway through.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Having started off thinking, "What a waste of money."
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Then I thought, "Well, actually, we've got all this kit,
0:02:07 > 0:02:11"we've got these cathedrals, we've got the choirs, we've got the army,
0:02:11 > 0:02:14"might as well use them, really."
0:02:14 > 0:02:16It was great. I mean, I do like funerals,
0:02:16 > 0:02:19and I realised halfway through, "I'm really enjoying this
0:02:19 > 0:02:22"and I don't really care whose funeral it is."
0:02:22 > 0:02:25People like you, Ian. I bought your magazine this week.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Page after page after page.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29You adored... That's how magazines work.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31LAUGHTER
0:02:31 > 0:02:34They work like that. Just one of them and it's just a sheet of paper.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38There was a moment, in fact, I actually thought that
0:02:38 > 0:02:41the great lady herself was going to come to life once more.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Oh, really? Because...
0:02:43 > 0:02:46That would have been interesting television, wouldn't it?
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Well, it would have been wonderful for the world.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51But the reason I thought... LAUGHTER
0:02:51 > 0:02:55..I thought it might have happened, seriously, is I glanced under
0:02:55 > 0:02:57David Cameron, the Prime Minster's chair... Yes.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00He was seated adjacent to the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh,
0:03:00 > 0:03:04and under his chair was a bottle of Evian water.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08French water! In St Paul's at Margaret Thatcher's funeral.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11I was surprised that the casket didn't burst open,
0:03:11 > 0:03:13and a hand come out and grab it from under the chair.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17She would not have approved of that.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21Most people don't come back from the dead because of mineral water.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Did you see how the BBC announced the news?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Yes. Can we see it again?
0:03:26 > 0:03:29I have to interrupt you there cos there's one more line,
0:03:29 > 0:03:32just as you were reading that, which has come in from Lord Bell.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35And he's been quoted saying, "It is with great sadness that
0:03:35 > 0:03:39"Mark and Carol Thatcher announce that their mother Baroness Thatcher
0:03:39 > 0:03:43"died peacefully following a strike this morning."
0:03:44 > 0:03:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Did you hear about Julian Stiles? According to The Mirror...
0:04:07 > 0:04:1030 years without a job?
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Pull your finger out, Julian, you lazy bastard!
0:04:17 > 0:04:19I'll chin you, you bastard!
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Let's abandon this show. Let's...
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Brian says, "Who wants a fight?"
0:04:28 > 0:04:29I'm going... Am I on that?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Yes, you're on this now.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33I don't know what you're on!
0:04:35 > 0:04:39Jeffrey Archer paid tribute to Lady Thatcher, saying...
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Jeffrey Archer, not just a terrible writer,
0:04:48 > 0:04:50but also a terrible writer.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Yes. UKIP. That's Ken Clarke.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01This is the crushing defeat of the Conservative Party.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Well, you may laugh, but by the time this goes out...
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Nigel Farage will be Prime Minister.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10That's the problem - Kenneth Clarke.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12The Tories were incredibly scared that UKIP would take
0:05:12 > 0:05:15all their seats, so Kenneth Clown... Kenneth Clown!
0:05:15 > 0:05:18APPLAUSE
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Thank goodness it wasn't Jeremy Hunt.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25APPLAUSE
0:05:26 > 0:05:30Which other high-calibre names are lining up to be UKIP
0:05:30 > 0:05:32General Election candidates? Do you know?
0:05:32 > 0:05:36Both the Hamiltons. That's right. Christine and Neil.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37GROANING Yes, you groan!
0:05:39 > 0:05:43But come the Farage Cabinet, you're looking at the Home Secretary...
0:05:44 > 0:05:46..and the First Lord of the Admiralty.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49That's Christine.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55I don't think there are any loonies on the right of British politics.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57You don't think that Nigel Farage is insane?
0:05:57 > 0:05:58No, no, I don't.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01I think Nigel Farage is broadly a good egg.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03LAUGHTER
0:06:03 > 0:06:07Nigel Farage is, like, the fevered wet dream of Jeremy Clarkson,
0:06:07 > 0:06:09that is all he is.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12I'm not sure I quite understand.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Shall we have a look at Farage on the front page
0:06:17 > 0:06:19of The Times this week?
0:06:24 > 0:06:28It's Hitler combined with a sort of one-sided Fu Manchu.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Tommy Robinson, what did he do this week?
0:06:30 > 0:06:33He resigned from the English Defence League and...
0:06:33 > 0:06:36He found out, much to his horror, that a lot of them are racist.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39And do you know what Tommy Robinson does for a living?
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Does he work at the United Nations?
0:06:43 > 0:06:47He also used to run a tanning shop. Exactly right, yes.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50What? Changing the colour of people's skin? Yeah.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:53 > 0:06:55So your customer comes in, "Come in, madam."
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Half an hour later, "You can get out!"
0:06:59 > 0:07:03Explaining his decision to quit the EDL, Tommy Robinson said...
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Yes, it's always the tiny minority that makes
0:07:10 > 0:07:13marching on a mosque such an unpleasant experience.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18I don't know who these people are.
0:07:18 > 0:07:19So, what...?
0:07:19 > 0:07:22I can't say who these people are or I can say who they are...?
0:07:22 > 0:07:24We are allowed to report the facts.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26OK. 1066 was the Battle of Hastings...
0:07:28 > 0:07:31I mean, Andy Coulson is still allowed to give interviews in GQ.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34I mean, we're not allowed to say anything about him
0:07:34 > 0:07:37under the laws of contempt, obviously, and I wouldn't want to.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Instead... If we are so wary of words,
0:07:42 > 0:07:44is there any way you could express an opinion
0:07:44 > 0:07:46through contemporary dance?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53You'll get sued. You'll get sued.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59At last, someone could go to prison for mime.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03There is one High Court case we can talk about.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07Did anyone see Bernie Ecclestone turning up for his case?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10It was great. He was rather baffled by the concept of revolving doors.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14Here he goes. Now so far, so good, you see?
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Now, just come - walk out. No, no...
0:08:16 > 0:08:18No, no, no.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20No, no, no...
0:08:25 > 0:08:28This is the trial of Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Since we can't make jokes about any of the defendants,
0:08:31 > 0:08:33let's make some jokes about you, Godfrey.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Here's what you got up to 30 years ago on your stag night.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45VICTORIA: Oh, bless her, she's doing such a good job of smiling,
0:08:45 > 0:08:47isn't she? Oh, I know. Amazing.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50GODFREY: I was a good-looking dude in those days, Victoria.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52- You're very good looking now. - Very kind of you.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54- But it's possible that standing there in just her pants
0:08:54 > 0:08:57while a man in a suit rubs his face in her tits
0:08:57 > 0:09:01wasn't the greatest night of her life. It's possible. APPLAUSE
0:09:03 > 0:09:06I know you've said that women aren't very good drivers,
0:09:06 > 0:09:10but they're much better than men at finding the mustard in the pantry.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13And I wondered, was that a euphemism?
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Like, have you often found yourself, you know, with women,
0:09:18 > 0:09:20and you feel like you've been rummaging for ages
0:09:20 > 0:09:21in the pantry, and...
0:09:23 > 0:09:26You know, she's screaming, "You just can't find the mustard."
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Is that... LAUGHTER
0:09:28 > 0:09:30..where that came from?
0:09:30 > 0:09:33I'm sorry, are we talking French or English?
0:09:34 > 0:09:38This week it was reported that the Mirror Group is now facing 55 claims
0:09:38 > 0:09:41of phone hacking, so before we're not allowed to talk about that case,
0:09:41 > 0:09:44can I just say, Piers Morgan is a total arse.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46APPLAUSE
0:09:48 > 0:09:51It's Ed. Is Ed Miliband trying not to listen to an Ed Balls speech?
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Oh, look, there's someone spying on him from the Mail.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56And that's Karl Marx's grave.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59This is the Labour Conference, and they had Damian McBride's book.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Yes, Damian McBride was hoping to upstage the Conference. Yes.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Did you see him being introduced on Newsnight?
0:10:05 > 0:10:06Damian McBride.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09McPoison, as he's known to his many enemies,
0:10:09 > 0:10:12or McPrickface as he was referred to
0:10:12 > 0:10:15in a recent cache of Downing Street e-mails.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22He's so used to being called McPrickface...
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Would anyone like to see the chat up technique
0:10:25 > 0:10:28of Danny "Fancy A Brandy?" Alexander? Oh, yeah.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31This Conference has been so busy. FEMALE JOURNALIST: Yeah.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34I've had so many things to do. So, I haven't been up late, um...
0:10:35 > 0:10:38..relaxing in the bar, so that's not a problem.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41That'll come on...Wednesday, maybe? Maybe tonight.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Maybe tonight, good.
0:10:43 > 0:10:44How about you? Um...
0:10:49 > 0:10:52What have Ed Balls and Ed Miliband been 'inting at?
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Been...? Been hinting at? Yeah.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00What have they been hinting at? Don't know.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02So posh.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Oh! You're wearing a suit.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05I can afford it.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12That's cos you don't pay any tax.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14AUDIENCE GROANS
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Aww.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18That's why he's dressed up, he was in court this morning!
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Also, did anyone see how Mark Austin addressed ITV's News at Ten viewers
0:11:24 > 0:11:26this week? No. Would you like to?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Yes. Yeah.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29This is ITV News at Ten,
0:11:29 > 0:11:32with Mark Austin and Julie Etchingham.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Good evening, paedophiles.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42Brilliant!
0:11:44 > 0:11:48This is Camilla, and she made her first speech in French,
0:11:48 > 0:11:50and she was a bit nervous about it, but it went very well.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54She's a golden creature that seems to bathe in heavenly light
0:11:54 > 0:11:55wherever she goes.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58She smokes fags, as well.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00That's correct. It IS correct.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03And before she set off, she had a word with the press,
0:12:03 > 0:12:04and sounded extremely confident
0:12:04 > 0:12:07about how well her first solo trip would go.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09My first solo. Brilliant.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11My first solo - probably my last.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12No, no, no!
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Yeah, and it would've been, had the Duke of Edinburgh's men
0:12:15 > 0:12:17not been waiting in the wrong tunnel.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:12:19 > 0:12:21So, um...
0:12:23 > 0:12:27In other royal news, how did the Queen pose for a photograph
0:12:27 > 0:12:31showing that she belonged to the ancient Order of the Thistle?
0:12:31 > 0:12:32There's a striking, dramatic photograph
0:12:32 > 0:12:34on the Scottish moors, isn't it?
0:12:34 > 0:12:37It looks like something you should see on a tea-towel.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38It will be, one day.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Yes, this is the Queen in a Scottish glen.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44There we are, look at that. Looking delighted.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- She does not know much about hill walking, does she?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49LAUGHTER
0:12:50 > 0:12:54What did Dame Helen Mirren do while dressed as the Queen?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57She was doing The Audience in the West End of London,
0:12:57 > 0:13:00reprising her role as Her Majesty the Queen,
0:13:00 > 0:13:05and a bunch of gay drummers was drowning her out. Mm.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07And she come out and complained about it.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09I think... She told them to BLEEP off.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12How did they know it wasn't the Queen?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Precisely, yeah.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16They must've thought, "Bloody hell!"
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Well... When she says BLEEP off...
0:13:20 > 0:13:21Yeah, you stay BLEEP-ed off!
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Helen Mirren stormed out of her West End play this week
0:13:26 > 0:13:30in order to shout at a group of drummers publicising a gay festival.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31The organiser said...
0:13:39 > 0:13:42What, a screaming queen on a gay parade? That IS a shock.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Oh, that's Rebekah Brooks!
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Who's that? Oh, Lord!
0:13:53 > 0:13:55I mean, it's Theresa May,
0:13:55 > 0:13:58but it's like looking in a mirror. I'm always doing that.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59What, it's just fallen off, the shoe?
0:13:59 > 0:14:02To be honest, after the photograph of Mr Bloom,
0:14:02 > 0:14:04I was so relieved to see a burka.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07You know, I... Just thank goodness.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09You know the world's still run by men
0:14:09 > 0:14:12when any women are wearing either a burka or hot pants.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Feminism will have won when everyone is just
0:14:15 > 0:14:18in a nice comfy, knee-length dress with a cardigan.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22I couldn't agree more.
0:14:23 > 0:14:28So I think the story was about a man dressed in a burka.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29Yes, ironically, the first person
0:14:29 > 0:14:31ever to be liberated by wearing a burka.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33A man, obviously.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:36 > 0:14:38He was tagged, wasn't he?
0:14:38 > 0:14:40He was under really close surveillance, so he managed
0:14:40 > 0:14:44to nip into a mosque in Acton, change into a burka and run for it.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Is it G4S who's in charge? It is indeed G4S in charge.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49I didn't want to create any more legal problems.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Here's a picture of him before and afterwards.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53We see him going into the mosque on the left,
0:14:53 > 0:14:56that's him leaving the mosque on the right.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06Five times a day - that's going to work any tag loose.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08You can't tell, he's got a burka on.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10The tag may still be on. He might be limping.
0:15:10 > 0:15:11We've got to presume it's not.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Otherwise they'd have brought him in.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14Oh, it's G4S, yes, of course.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Er, this is clearly somebody trying to post letters, there.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21There's the dog helping him out.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24The Royal Mail has been sold off, hasn't it, Mark?
0:15:24 > 0:15:28Now, even Thatcher said, "We will not privatise the Royal Mail,"
0:15:28 > 0:15:30but this lot have decided to do it.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34And you have to conclude they really, genuinely would sell their granny.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36It's as if the country is being run by Ryanair now.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40You just pay for your little thing, and that's it, nothing else.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43"I don't want to pay for libraries, I don't go to the library.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46"I'm not paying for the fire service, I'm not on fire.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50"Look at all the money that gets wasted on guide dogs.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52"I can't climb a tree, nobody buys me a gibbon."
0:15:52 > 0:15:54APPLAUSE
0:15:56 > 0:15:57According to The Times,
0:15:57 > 0:16:00this might not be the last privatisation we see, as well.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02What else have they suggested might be privatised?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04The Queen.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07They haven't yet, but that would be oversubscribed, wouldn't it?
0:16:07 > 0:16:09I'd like a piece of her.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13I've heard the rumours.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16What else have they got left to sell off?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18I think the next one will be lamp posts.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20I think they'll sell off lamp posts,
0:16:20 > 0:16:23only you'll have to put 5p in a little meter.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25And it'll give you just enough light to get to the next one,
0:16:25 > 0:16:27and you'll put another 5p in.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Somewhere George Osborne is writing that down.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32You know that, don't you?
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Yes, this is the mad rush to buy shares in the Royal Mail.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37To our younger viewers, a letter is a bit like a text,
0:16:37 > 0:16:40but you write it down with a pen and you put it in an envelope,
0:16:40 > 0:16:42and then buy a sort of sticker to put on it,
0:16:42 > 0:16:44and then you put it in the hole in one of those red boxes,
0:16:44 > 0:16:47and within two days it'll be delivered to the wrong house
0:16:47 > 0:16:49somewhere near where your friend lives.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Dancing, socks.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Oh, more Scottish dancing. More dancing.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57You're talking about dancing a lot, aren't you? Yes.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Yeah, I'm sorry, we'll get on with it. Um...
0:17:00 > 0:17:03If they go independent, the Chancellor has said to them,
0:17:03 > 0:17:05"Well, you can't have the pound."
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Ah. And Alex Salmond, who will be in charge of Scotland...
0:17:08 > 0:17:11His title isn't clear yet, it may be King.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Last year, he was really keen on having the euro,
0:17:15 > 0:17:18but then something happened, er...
0:17:18 > 0:17:20So what do the Scots want?
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Well, we don't know yet, we haven't asked them on the referendum.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Well, hold on a minute. They want independence...
0:17:26 > 0:17:28If I give the wrong answer, do you get out the pliers? No, you get cut.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33So what's the latest economic news, then?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35We nearly went into recession but we didn't,
0:17:35 > 0:17:37so George Osborne says, "That's fine.
0:17:37 > 0:17:42"We've got enormous growth of about 0.3%."
0:17:42 > 0:17:45That's bang on, yeah, which is four-fifths of BLEEP all.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51We're still, apparently, 1.2 trillion in debt,
0:17:51 > 0:17:55and if we pay it back at this rate, how long will it take to clear it?
0:17:55 > 0:17:57It depends if we go to Wonga or not.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03400 years. (God!)
0:18:03 > 0:18:05So it's not really our problem, is it?
0:18:08 > 0:18:12This is a row as to whether the independent Scotland
0:18:12 > 0:18:16would be able to use the pound as its currency.
0:18:16 > 0:18:21Alex Salmond has called for the creation of a Sterling-Zone,
0:18:21 > 0:18:24which sounds good but the way the economy's going,
0:18:24 > 0:18:26I think we'd be calling it Poundland.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Money being printed, obviously.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34RBS, Royal Bank of Scotland not giving people money,
0:18:34 > 0:18:35being very, very bad people.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38People couldn't get their credit cards to work the other day
0:18:38 > 0:18:40on one of the biggest shopping days of the year,
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Christmas rush and all that,
0:18:42 > 0:18:44so people are very unhappy with the Royal Bank of Scotland.
0:18:44 > 0:18:49That's right. What have the press and sad, desperate marketing people
0:18:49 > 0:18:50been trying to do?
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Call this a special day?
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Black Friday or something? Cyber Monday.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Supersonic Tuesday.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Next it'll be Wank Wednesday...
0:19:00 > 0:19:03..Thuck Off Thursday...
0:19:03 > 0:19:05What was the effect of all this hype?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07People were fighting in Argos.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Don't they go to Argos and hit each other?
0:19:10 > 0:19:12I've seen it on the news, it's fantastic.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16People attacking each other in Argos? You've seen this on the news?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Yeah. Well, he's not been there, has he?
0:19:18 > 0:19:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Yes, this is RBS, the bank that likes to pay less,
0:19:25 > 0:19:28whose entire computer system failed on Cyber Monday.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31To be fair, everyone was affected.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Even senior bankers found out their credit cards had stopped working.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Paul Flowers had to chop out his coke with his bus pass.
0:19:38 > 0:19:43This week also saw the UK's first ever Black Friday discount day.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47One very special offer for shoppers in Manchester promised...
0:19:53 > 0:19:55They're even offering a choice of kebab -
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Donner, Blitzen or Rudolph.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:20:04 > 0:20:07It's a train. Mm-hm. Oh, that's a proper train.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11Yes, well, you know they're building this enormous boondoggle up north,
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Ian, and... Is that a technical term? Yes, boondoggle, it's...
0:20:14 > 0:20:16In economics, it's called a big fricking waste of money.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21You can't get to Birmingham fast enough.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23- You can in your virtual self.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Impossible.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Do you know this week's figure of how much it's going to cost?
0:20:29 > 0:20:32I think it's 130 zillion.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Well, the government's current budget is 50 billion,
0:20:36 > 0:20:39although one independent study says it's going to cost 80 billion.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42You've got Mark Carney now as the Bank Of England chief,
0:20:42 > 0:20:44he can just print it. Just print 80 billion, just print it,
0:20:44 > 0:20:47that's what he does, that's what he's there for. Print more money!
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Doesn't matter if it's 100 billion, 200 billion,
0:20:50 > 0:20:51just print money, it's fine.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53You put the money in the train and take it to Birmingham.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57Listen, max - one hour 20 minutes to Birmingham.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58It's too long.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02It's more like an hour.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Did you hear the actual words of the dire warning from the government
0:21:05 > 0:21:08about the consequences if Labour do not and everybody does not...?
0:21:08 > 0:21:10I'd like to hear you say it. The precise words were...
0:21:16 > 0:21:19It's just hard to imagine what that would be like, isn't it?
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Monsieur Raymond Blanc, the television chef,
0:21:25 > 0:21:28tweeted what appeared to be a sarcastic remark
0:21:28 > 0:21:32about the winner 24 hours before the winner was announced
0:21:32 > 0:21:34and possibly spoilt the whole competition.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Bake Off fans were furious.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39What did former finalist Mary-Anne Boermans
0:21:39 > 0:21:42compare the situation to? Do you know? No.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44The end of the Crimean War.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47She said it was...
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Good grief!
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Does that happen?! Oh, no!
0:21:57 > 0:22:00This is the grand final of Bake Off, which I watched this week.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03It was contested by three female cooks, which is odd
0:22:03 > 0:22:06because I happen to know for a fact that the best bakers are all male
0:22:06 > 0:22:08and they're all called Gregg.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12One of the finalists, Ruby Tandoh,
0:22:12 > 0:22:14received a lot of coverage for her looks.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16She complained, saying...
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Ruby, you're dough-eyed.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:34 > 0:22:36That's dough with an O-U-G-H.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39If I'm not at home, leave it with my neighbour.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Recently discovered footage shows a young Boris Johnson
0:22:44 > 0:22:47helping his brother perform a magic trick.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59In Moscow, the Russian mafia launch their own version of Ocado.
0:23:03 > 0:23:04And in Doncaster,
0:23:04 > 0:23:08Mrs Ivy Hinchcliffe still hasn't come home from Bingo.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19And so to Round Two, The One-Armed Bandit Of News.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the first one.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29BUZZER
0:23:29 > 0:23:31That's a mocked-up Alex Ferguson, Sir Alex Ferguson,
0:23:31 > 0:23:35English football's most successful ever manager has just resigned.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Absolutely. John, will you be writing a poem for the occasion?
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Are you a Man United fan? I approached this from the wrong angle.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43I was looking at this monitor and that monitor
0:23:43 > 0:23:46and trying to spot the 15 differences. Oh, I see, yes.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52I'm going to have to give this one the swerve.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54So can we do a quick Fergie quiz? Yeah. Yes, please.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57What does Alex Ferguson keep by his bed?
0:23:57 > 0:23:58His wife.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Hopefully he keeps her in his bed, not by it.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Do you think she has to stand there all night?
0:24:10 > 0:24:13She's on the subs bench until she...
0:24:13 > 0:24:14He calls her on.
0:24:17 > 0:24:23No, he keeps... By his bed, he keeps JFK's autopsy report.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27Now can anyone here impersonate a Liverpudlian?
0:24:27 > 0:24:30I have to tell you that Jon Snow can't.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Here he is discussing Alex Ferguson's departure.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37Well, I was driven here by a Liverpool supporter who said...
0:24:37 > 0:24:40LIKE A PIRATE: "Oh, I hope they take Moyes..."
0:24:40 > 0:24:42because they really do regard him.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50LIKE A PIRATE: When the tide is high
0:24:50 > 0:24:53and the crow flies towards the horizon...
0:24:54 > 0:24:57..there will be change of management, arr!
0:25:00 > 0:25:02This is the retirement of Sir Alex Ferguson.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04As the news spread on Wednesday,
0:25:04 > 0:25:07shocked Man United fans gathered in the city centre,
0:25:07 > 0:25:11bringing London's traffic to a standstill.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Buying meat products has never been so difficult.
0:25:14 > 0:25:15You never know what's inside.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19So, now onto the pies of news.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Buzz in when you've identified the news filling.
0:25:26 > 0:25:27BELL RINGS
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Ian.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31LAUGHTER
0:25:31 > 0:25:34That's the winner of the Grand National.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36This is horse meat found in products,
0:25:36 > 0:25:38including one which is meant to be fish.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Beef lasagne, eaten any of that?
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Not recently, but apparently that had a problem with horses in it.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Wasn't that 100% horse meat? Yeah.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49It actually came with a sheepskin nose band.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53They've tracked it all down to this Romanian abattoir,
0:25:53 > 0:25:54and the bloke was outraged.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57He said, "Of course it's horse, that's what we sell.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59"We sell horse, it's really good."
0:25:59 > 0:26:01I tell you what, what is the world coming to
0:26:01 > 0:26:03if you can't trust a Romanian abattoir?
0:26:08 > 0:26:09BUZZER
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Here we go, Paul. Yes, this is the new Pope.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15We have not had one from Latin America before,
0:26:15 > 0:26:17and for the first time in 600 years
0:26:17 > 0:26:19there are two popes in existence.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21And this one's very good. He goes everywhere, he travels by bus,
0:26:21 > 0:26:25he doesn't insist on being called the Pope, he's a very humble Pope.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Yeah, travels by bus for free!
0:26:28 > 0:26:29If there's two popes,
0:26:29 > 0:26:32then presumably he could also give up and there would be three popes.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34As soon as you've got three popes,
0:26:34 > 0:26:36you've got yourself a boyband. Exactly!
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Yes, he lived a very frugal life. According to the Telegraph,
0:26:39 > 0:26:42after realising he wouldn't be going back to Argentina...
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Like the newsagent wouldn't know he'd become Pope!
0:26:52 > 0:26:55I think they were very pleased in Argentina.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Here's a woman reacting to the news he's become Pope.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01SHE SHOUTS IN SPANISH
0:27:05 > 0:27:08And here is the reaction in London.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12It's Cardinal Bergoglio, from Buenos Aires.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14ALL: Ahhhh.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:25 > 0:27:26BELL RINGS
0:27:26 > 0:27:31This is the new motto for the Fukushima nuclear power plant.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34which had a meltdown last year and unbelievably,
0:27:34 > 0:27:37I don't know if I can actually say this live,
0:27:37 > 0:27:41but this character, because it's Fukushima, is known as Fukuppy.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Amazingly, you're almost exactly right.
0:27:51 > 0:27:52This is Fukuppy,
0:27:52 > 0:27:56the mascot of Fukushima Industries, which makes commercial freezers.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59"It really is a schoolboy error for a company to leave
0:27:59 > 0:28:02"the name of its fridges open to such puerile jokes,"
0:28:02 > 0:28:04said the managing director of Smeg.
0:28:10 > 0:28:11BELL RINGS
0:28:11 > 0:28:15Yes, is this the priest who's got an organ growing out of his head?
0:28:15 > 0:28:16No.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18This is the news that a swan named Hooper
0:28:18 > 0:28:20has fallen in love with a helicopter.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22No, it hasn't! No, it has.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24It happened at Le Mielles Golf Club in Jersey,
0:28:24 > 0:28:27which is where Hooper lives. According to The Times...
0:28:33 > 0:28:34Gold-digger!
0:28:35 > 0:28:36We've got a picture.
0:28:36 > 0:28:40That's just a swan flying past a helicopter. In flagrante.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43That's not proof the two of them are in love!
0:28:43 > 0:28:46I call that... It's not a very romantic picture, is it?
0:28:46 > 0:28:48You cold, cold man.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50I think that's tabloid intrusion.
0:28:50 > 0:28:54There's always Zeus, isn't there? Zeus, yeah.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56Helen of Troy was born out of a swan's egg.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59I thought you were going to say Swansea for a minute!
0:29:01 > 0:29:02Thought she was a Cardiff girl.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05IMPERSONATING DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: The helicopter lands,
0:29:05 > 0:29:08aware that his mate is somewhere in the field.
0:29:10 > 0:29:15As the blades circle around, the swan picks up the scent of diesel...
0:29:17 > 0:29:19..and comes lolloping out of the aircraft hangar.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22And straight into the blades of the helicopter.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32I know this one. Is it inbreeding in the royal family?
0:29:32 > 0:29:34Isn't that the Duke of Clarence?
0:29:34 > 0:29:37I'm quite nervous, it's my first show.
0:29:37 > 0:29:40My dad actually rang me and went, "Don't spoil this for us."
0:29:45 > 0:29:47What a starter for ten.
0:29:49 > 0:29:53I've just been sat here, going, "Just don't, don't."
0:29:53 > 0:29:55There's a discussion going on around me
0:29:55 > 0:29:58and in my head two kittens are fighting over a pork chop.
0:29:58 > 0:30:01Is it the original Olympic...?
0:30:01 > 0:30:04There's beer swilling and shin kicking and... Yes, go on.
0:30:04 > 0:30:07The Cotswold Olympics. That's it.
0:30:07 > 0:30:10They were chronicled in an ancient pamphlet which is up for auction.
0:30:10 > 0:30:13See if you can identify the sort of games that were played
0:30:13 > 0:30:15using an image taken from the book.
0:30:15 > 0:30:17Well, it looks like sword fighting we can see top right,
0:30:17 > 0:30:19standing on your head in the middle...
0:30:19 > 0:30:21Yeah. ..misunderstanding perspective.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25That was a very popular sport at the time.
0:30:25 > 0:30:27Anyone know what dwile flonking is?
0:30:27 > 0:30:32It sounds like a daytime presenter - "Over to Dwile Flonking."
0:30:32 > 0:30:35Is that the beer thing? Yes. Well done.
0:30:35 > 0:30:39It's dodging beer-soaked rags. Dodging beer-soaked rags.
0:30:39 > 0:30:41Why would you dodge them?
0:30:46 > 0:30:51Now it's time to play The Wheel Of News Or Not News.
0:30:51 > 0:30:54I'll spin the wheel and you have to identify the story
0:30:54 > 0:30:56and tell me if it's news or not news.
0:31:00 > 0:31:01BUZZER
0:31:01 > 0:31:03Not news.
0:31:03 > 0:31:06It's... What's the story? There isn't a story, it's not news.
0:31:09 > 0:31:11It's a policeman giving
0:31:11 > 0:31:14Iain Duncan Smith a head massage.
0:31:14 > 0:31:16Clairvoyant police?
0:31:16 > 0:31:18It is clairvoyant police.
0:31:18 > 0:31:19And it's...
0:31:21 > 0:31:25The police are going to be able to predict crimes before they happen.
0:31:25 > 0:31:28You think I'm making it up. No. No, you're not making it up,
0:31:28 > 0:31:31you're reading out something that somebody else has made up.
0:31:31 > 0:31:35According to Pre-crime Commander, Simon Letchford... Pre-crime?!
0:31:42 > 0:31:45Which has already identified the county of Midsomer.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50The technique of identifying and arresting potential criminals
0:31:50 > 0:31:52before they commit a crime is based on a method
0:31:52 > 0:31:54developed by the Metropolitan Police.
0:31:54 > 0:31:56Known as "institutional racism".
0:31:56 > 0:31:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:32:01 > 0:32:03Time now for the Odd One Out Round.
0:32:03 > 0:32:05Cliff Richard,
0:32:05 > 0:32:07the Oxford cox,
0:32:07 > 0:32:09the Norwegian log fire
0:32:09 > 0:32:12and the new Dutch King's inaugural song.
0:32:12 > 0:32:16The new Dutch King had a song written for his coronation,
0:32:16 > 0:32:19a special song...and decided he hated it.
0:32:19 > 0:32:23The Oxford cox. He swore a lot during the race, this year. Yes.
0:32:23 > 0:32:25Swore like a porn star all the way through.
0:32:27 > 0:32:31Wasn't there a Norwegian TV show about logs, and getting logs,
0:32:31 > 0:32:33and putting them in a fire?
0:32:33 > 0:32:35And they complained about the way the logs were stacked?
0:32:35 > 0:32:39That's exactly right. But no-one has ever complained about Cliff.
0:32:39 > 0:32:41It's about people moaning.
0:32:41 > 0:32:44Cliff isn't known for making people moan, is he?
0:32:44 > 0:32:46LAUGHTER
0:32:47 > 0:32:49They have all caused an audience to complain,
0:32:49 > 0:32:53apart from Cliff Richard, whose music caused his audience to die.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57According to Gardeners' Question Time,
0:32:57 > 0:32:59a study conducted on the effect of music on plants
0:32:59 > 0:33:04revealed that the plants which had been played Cliff's music all died.
0:33:05 > 0:33:07A song composed to mark the inauguration
0:33:07 > 0:33:11of the new King of the Netherlands was withdrawn by the composer
0:33:11 > 0:33:13after it attracted a storm of criticism.
0:33:13 > 0:33:15Let's have a look.
0:33:15 > 0:33:17THEY SING IN DUTCH
0:33:31 > 0:33:34Perhaps he's trying to get a reduction on his car insurance?
0:33:42 > 0:33:45According to the Daily Telegraph, in musical terms, the song is
0:33:49 > 0:33:50..known as crap.
0:33:52 > 0:33:55I think I'd rather like that. Zadok the BLEEP.
0:33:55 > 0:33:57LAUGHTER
0:34:05 > 0:34:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:34:10 > 0:34:13Best reaction I've ever got out of Paul!
0:34:13 > 0:34:15You've never said BLEEP before.
0:34:19 > 0:34:21Adolf Hitler,
0:34:21 > 0:34:22Robert Mugabe,
0:34:22 > 0:34:23beards
0:34:23 > 0:34:24and Yoda.
0:34:24 > 0:34:27The only thing I've seen about Hitler in recent days
0:34:27 > 0:34:29is a teapot or kettle that's come out
0:34:29 > 0:34:32that closely resembles Adolf Hitler.
0:34:32 > 0:34:34It includes the Hitler kettle.
0:34:34 > 0:34:38I think a good starting place for this is Yoda.
0:34:38 > 0:34:41Not Yoda in his sort of day job
0:34:41 > 0:34:45but in a recent sideline he's developed.
0:34:45 > 0:34:48Vodafone. Yes. Stick with advertising.
0:34:48 > 0:34:51Robert Mugabe sponsors... Rice Krispies, I don't know.
0:34:53 > 0:34:55Poor old Rice Krispies!
0:34:55 > 0:34:57Snap, Crackle, Dead.
0:34:59 > 0:35:02They're all officially advertising a product,
0:35:02 > 0:35:04apart from Adolf Hitler, who is unwittingly advertising
0:35:04 > 0:35:08a kettle because a billboard photo of the kettle looks like him.
0:35:13 > 0:35:15That's amazing.
0:35:15 > 0:35:17It must be deliberate, it's got to be deliberate.
0:35:17 > 0:35:20Once you see it, you can't see the kettle any more.
0:35:20 > 0:35:22The kettle's gone.
0:35:22 > 0:35:25I mean, it's even got the salute on the spout, hasn't it?
0:35:26 > 0:35:30So, beards are the new thing in advertising, according to
0:35:30 > 0:35:33a Kentucky-based company who've introduced beard-vertising.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35Oh, yes!
0:35:35 > 0:35:38People have adverts put onto their beards, clipped on.
0:35:38 > 0:35:40I must say, it looks fabulously impressive.
0:35:43 > 0:35:46It is his face that sells it, isn't it?
0:35:46 > 0:35:48What other beards have been in the news recently?
0:35:48 > 0:35:51Oh, this is cats, people who pose with cats.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53They hold a cat in a certain way so it makes it look like
0:35:53 > 0:35:56the cat is part of a beard. Yeah. It's called cat-bearding.
0:35:56 > 0:35:58LAUGHTER
0:35:58 > 0:35:59Here's a cat beard.
0:35:59 > 0:36:01Urgh!
0:36:02 > 0:36:04And here's another.
0:36:10 > 0:36:11And here's a dog beard.
0:36:14 > 0:36:17Yes, so the answer is they are all officially advertising a product,
0:36:17 > 0:36:21apart from Adolf Hitler, who is unwittingly advertising a kettle.
0:36:21 > 0:36:24It's not so much the kettle that looks like Hitler I object to,
0:36:24 > 0:36:25it's their marketing slogan -
0:36:25 > 0:36:28"Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein sugar."
0:36:31 > 0:36:34It's time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:36:34 > 0:36:36which this week features as its guest publication...
0:36:42 > 0:36:46..the magazine of the North of England Rat Society.
0:36:47 > 0:36:50For northerners who don't find pigeons dirty enough.
0:36:53 > 0:36:55And we start with...
0:36:59 > 0:37:00Sexual tension.
0:37:02 > 0:37:05MILES: The body count. It was an absolute blood bath.
0:37:05 > 0:37:07The safety officer.
0:37:10 > 0:37:13Looks all right to me.
0:37:13 > 0:37:14Just chuck the rats on it.
0:37:16 > 0:37:17This is good stuff.
0:37:17 > 0:37:20The overall standard of ears.
0:37:20 > 0:37:22Next...
0:37:24 > 0:37:26One of the rounds on Bake Off.
0:37:32 > 0:37:36Do you think you can just add boiling water and come back again?
0:37:36 > 0:37:38The process reduces the body to powder,
0:37:38 > 0:37:40and has been pioneered by a company called...
0:37:42 > 0:37:44..whose slogan proudly states,
0:37:44 > 0:37:46"We're the people who put the gran into granules."
0:37:49 > 0:37:50Next...
0:37:53 > 0:37:55Can't I be called Mr Chubby Chops instead?
0:37:58 > 0:38:00Director of Fat says, "Put it over there with the rest of the fat.
0:38:02 > 0:38:05"Stop asking me, it's obvious, fat pile there."
0:38:06 > 0:38:07It's...
0:38:13 > 0:38:14Next...
0:38:17 > 0:38:18Wedge?
0:38:21 > 0:38:23It's not a tricky twelve-incher, is it?
0:38:25 > 0:38:26A birdie. An eagle.
0:38:26 > 0:38:29An eagle? That would be a good story. Might be owl?
0:38:29 > 0:38:31Takes an owl in his pants?
0:38:33 > 0:38:34A two-week holiday?
0:38:37 > 0:38:39The answer is...
0:38:41 > 0:38:43Next...
0:38:45 > 0:38:46Is it, "the BLEEP piss"?
0:38:51 > 0:38:52The answer is...
0:38:54 > 0:38:57No they don't!
0:38:57 > 0:39:01This is the story of a court case in New York in which four chimpanzees
0:39:01 > 0:39:04are seeking to be recognised as humans.
0:39:04 > 0:39:08The complexities of the chimpanzees' case have left legal experts
0:39:08 > 0:39:09scratching their heads,
0:39:09 > 0:39:11rubbing their arses on ropes
0:39:11 > 0:39:13and eating things from behind each other's ears.
0:39:16 > 0:39:18Grow beards.
0:39:19 > 0:39:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:39:24 > 0:39:27Leave Saudi Arabia.
0:39:27 > 0:39:28According to the Telegraph,
0:39:28 > 0:39:32the unwelcome visitors to Saudi Arabia were approached by the...
0:39:33 > 0:39:36..with their traditional line of "Allah, Allah, Allah...
0:39:36 > 0:39:37"What's all this, then?"
0:39:42 > 0:39:46Before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.
0:39:46 > 0:39:47"What's that, Skippy?
0:39:47 > 0:39:49"The guy fell down the stairs and none of us touched him?"
0:39:52 > 0:39:55"That's nice, isn't it? I've only just come to visit your country,
0:39:55 > 0:39:57"and here we are remembering old times."
0:40:03 > 0:40:06GILES BRANDRETH: Oooh!
0:40:06 > 0:40:10Oh, do you know? Let's not, let's just sit back and enjoy this.
0:40:11 > 0:40:14I mean, come on, let's actually turn the corner in this show
0:40:14 > 0:40:16in the last moments. Yeah.
0:40:16 > 0:40:19Let's actually just let the country celebrate spring.
0:40:19 > 0:40:24Let's not ruin it with any protest, just love it.
0:40:25 > 0:40:26JOE WILKINSON: What about,
0:40:26 > 0:40:29"Mouse celebrates spring by tickling bum with pollen"?
0:40:29 > 0:40:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:39 > 0:40:42And I leave you with the news that, on the set of the new Transformers
0:40:42 > 0:40:46movie, one of the extras gives up queuing for the toilet.
0:40:52 > 0:40:55In Aldershot, in the playground of a primary school,
0:40:55 > 0:40:57a pupil prepares for a visit from Michael Gove.
0:41:03 > 0:41:06After announcing several more years of austerity,
0:41:06 > 0:41:08George Osborne goes home to decorate his Christmas tree.
0:41:11 > 0:41:14And, as Piers Morgan's success in the States continues to grow,
0:41:14 > 0:41:17he moves his production company into a new office.
0:41:22 > 0:41:24Good night.