0:00:03 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language
0:00:35 > 0:00:38APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43I'm Richard Osman. In the news this week,
0:00:43 > 0:00:46the BBC is forced to apologise after cutting to the wrong camera
0:00:46 > 0:00:48during an interview with Nigel Farage.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54With yet another story about his love life
0:00:54 > 0:00:55set to hit a Sunday newspaper,
0:00:55 > 0:00:59the victim takes direct action to try and stop the presses.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07And evidence emerges that the Australian Air Force
0:01:07 > 0:01:09are developing their own stealth bomber.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17On Ian's team tonight is a TV presenter who says,
0:01:17 > 0:01:19"History is the most exciting thing
0:01:19 > 0:01:21"that has ever happened to anyone on this planet."
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Clearly he never saw Todd Carty and Bonnie Langford
0:01:24 > 0:01:26win the Christmas edition of Celebrity Pointless.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Please welcome Dan Snow.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30APPLAUSE
0:01:34 > 0:01:36And with Paul tonight is a left-wing comedian
0:01:36 > 0:01:39who has been described by one critic as "so honest,
0:01:39 > 0:01:42"when he talks it's like he's going to start a war at any time."
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Well, he's good, but he's no Tony Blair.
0:01:45 > 0:01:46Please welcome Mark Steel.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50APPLAUSE
0:01:52 > 0:01:54And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Ian and Dan, take a look at this.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00Ah, this is goodbye. Chloe Smith.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01Diane Abbott. Yes, goodbye to you, too.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Goodbye. He is one of the other ones.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04Don't know who he is.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08No, even he doesn't know who he is.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11This is reshuffles. Yes. All the big political parties have decided
0:02:11 > 0:02:13it's time to reshuffle their teams.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16And it's extraordinary. The change is unbelievable.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Within a day, no-one's noticed.
0:02:18 > 0:02:23As a swing voter, it's completely convinced me. Has it? Yes.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25I'm definitely voting for one of them now.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27What all the parties have done is bring in women,
0:02:27 > 0:02:31which is one of those moves that even the Beeb will do.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32Erm...
0:02:33 > 0:02:35At some point.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37APPLAUSE
0:02:37 > 0:02:39I'm quite willing to have the operation,
0:02:39 > 0:02:40if it helps the programme.
0:02:40 > 0:02:41Anyway, what do you want to know?
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Three people who used to work for breakfast television
0:02:44 > 0:02:45have been promoted.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Who are the three daytime TV hosts who were promoted?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50This is like your Pointless programme!
0:02:50 > 0:02:51It is a little bit.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55A little bit. Except I am allowed to say "fuck", that's the difference.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59For the benefit of those of us who have jobs
0:02:59 > 0:03:01and don't watch daytime television...
0:03:01 > 0:03:03I haven't been a student for so long,
0:03:03 > 0:03:05I've forgotten who is on daytime television. It's him.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10You know what, how dare you?
0:03:10 > 0:03:125.30 isn't daytime, it's early evening.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Shoulder peak. Access prime.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Exactly. That's what they call it.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Yeah, it's daytime.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Tell us the names of these three ladies.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Esther McVey. Esther McVey.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Anna Soubry. She's a Tory.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Anna Soubry, she's another Tory,
0:03:27 > 0:03:30and the other one, Gloria... Gloria de Piero, who is Labour.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Let's look at Esther McVey. What's her new job?
0:03:33 > 0:03:36She's gone to Work and Pensions.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Yes, according to The Mail, she's been asked to play the role of:
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Sorry to plant that image in your mind.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50And Ed Miliband promoted Gloria de Piero,
0:03:50 > 0:03:53and do you know an interesting fact about her?
0:03:53 > 0:03:55She's gone to become Shadow Equalities Minister.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59That is the interesting fact, well done. I thought you'd like it.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00No, there's another one.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02She was voted one of the 100 most beautiful women in the world.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Really? Right. By FHM magazine, yeah.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06She was 85th. She beat Kylie.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Oh, right. That's all right.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Yeah? You don't know...
0:04:10 > 0:04:13I know it sounds like an old man thing to say,
0:04:13 > 0:04:15but you don't really know who they are any more, do you?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17They're all sort of... What, people?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21DAN: Do you find policemen are very young these days as well?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23It sounds so miserable, doesn't it? I know.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25I think buildings are getting older.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30I didn't realise this - Ian Paisley, he's 86 now.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33I had no idea he was that old. He must walk into rooms now and go,
0:04:33 > 0:04:35ROARS: "What did I come in here for?!"
0:04:38 > 0:04:41But it's not all about GMTV presenters being promoted.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Another person has been promoted by Ed Miliband,
0:04:43 > 0:04:46and that is the Right Hon Tristram Hunt MP.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49A TV historian. He is my competition.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51TV historian, yeah. He's not any more, is he? No, he's not.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54I saw him off. He's become a politician. That's true.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57It's better to be a historian than a politician. Much better.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59We get to write about them and decide if they're good or not. Exactly.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02I must say, I loved your history of the railways.
0:05:02 > 0:05:03I thought it was terrific.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Ian, you did a history of the railways as well, didn't you?
0:05:05 > 0:05:08I did a programme about Dr Beeching's cuts, yeah.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10It was prime access.
0:05:11 > 0:05:135:30 in the Countdown slot.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Quite hard to make trains interesting, isn't it?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18I thought you did it very well.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19I'll tell you who else did it very well.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Portillo. Yeah. He is charismatic.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Yeah, he was good. And Paul, I like it when
0:05:25 > 0:05:27you go to India, on the trains and stuff like that.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33I don't know why other people bother doing it when you can't do it right.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37The average life expectancy of a minister
0:05:37 > 0:05:39is one year and three months.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40Whoa, whoa, whoa...
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Come on. Come on, Mr History. No, that's what I read the other day.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Do you mean the average job expectancy?
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Well, life expectancy in a job, yes.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50They're not going to...
0:05:51 > 0:05:55Now, there was another man who was promoted in the reshuffle.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57His name was Alistair Carmichael.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59He is now the Minister of State for Scotland.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02I would remember his name, anyone who watches Pointless.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Honestly, give it 18 months, and he is going to be an answer.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09The first in the queue to shake his hand was Nick Clegg.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Shall we take a little look?
0:06:13 > 0:06:16LAUGHTER
0:06:24 > 0:06:26It went on for seven years.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Well, it looked like it, yes.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Speaking of seven years, during the Seven Years War,
0:06:30 > 0:06:34it was said that King Louis XV's ministers used to change
0:06:34 > 0:06:36"like the scenery at the opera."
0:06:36 > 0:06:38So often. Really? Yeah.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Why didn't you say that, Paul?
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Because it was boring.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49It wasn't all people being promoted, though.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51There were a few demotions as well.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54You showed Diane Abbott, didn't you? Ed Miliband sacked her.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56And she's not even related to him!
0:06:59 > 0:07:01She wanted his job originally.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04She wanted to be in charge of the Labour Party. God knows why.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05Are you mourning her loss?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Yeah, well, she was never on message,
0:07:07 > 0:07:10and in the new political parties, you're meant to toe the line.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12So she's been sacked.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14So she'll be back to helping Portillo. I love it.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15He is so good on trains. Mind you,
0:07:15 > 0:07:18anyone can make trains interesting, can't they?
0:07:21 > 0:07:22Most people can make that job funny as well.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28APPLAUSE
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Now, who reshuffled themselves this week?
0:07:30 > 0:07:33An extremist, are you looking for, Richard?
0:07:33 > 0:07:36I am looking for an extremist. But that's after the show.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37Tommy Robinson.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Oh, the English Defence League.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Tommy Robinson. Tommy Robinson, absolutely right.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45What did he do this week? He resigned from the EDL.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48He found out, much to his horror, that a lot of them were racist.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Didn't understand that bit. "I don't know what's going on."
0:07:53 > 0:07:55"I mean, we used to march into Muslim areas and that,
0:07:55 > 0:07:57"and go, 'Muslims out' and 'We hate Muslims'
0:07:57 > 0:07:59"and 'We hate Pakis' and that,
0:07:59 > 0:08:02"and it turns out some of them were anti-Islam. So...
0:08:03 > 0:08:04"I went off them."
0:08:07 > 0:08:10And do you know what Tommy Robinson does for a living?
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Does he work at the United Nations? Peacekeeper.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Does he see sick children with Roger Moore and Lulu?
0:08:17 > 0:08:21He also used to run a tanning shop. Exactly right.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23What, changing the colour of people's skin?!
0:08:25 > 0:08:28APPLAUSE
0:08:28 > 0:08:30So your customer comes in, "Come in, madam."
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Half an hour later, "You can get out!"
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Finally, what can fans of Michael Gove now buy
0:08:39 > 0:08:41to remind them of their hero?
0:08:43 > 0:08:44Ooh.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Is there a doll? A voodoo doll!
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Do you know what? You're not a million miles off.
0:08:49 > 0:08:50Let's take a little look.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51Yes, you can buy this.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Doesn't it have to bear some resemblance to the person
0:08:57 > 0:08:59for it to be a voodoo doll? I'll be honest, it looks more like me.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03That's why I've been getting those headaches.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Yes, this is the day of reshuffles.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09According to the Daily Telegraph:
0:09:12 > 0:09:14I'm guessing that wasn't half each.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Explaining his decision to quit the EDL, Tommy Robinson said:
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Yes, it's always the tiny minority
0:09:27 > 0:09:30that makes marching on a mosque such an unpleasant experience.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Paul and Mark, take a look at this.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37This is clearly somebody trying to post letters there,
0:09:37 > 0:09:39there's the dog helping him out.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42That dog might be replacing the postmen
0:09:42 > 0:09:43in the new privatised service.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46And then postmen, in an act of revenge, will bite dogs.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50The Royal Mail is being sold off, isn't it, Mark?
0:09:50 > 0:09:54Now, even Thatcher said we will not privatise the Royal Mail.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57But this lot have decided to do it, and you have to conclude
0:09:57 > 0:10:00they really genuinely would sell their granny, these people.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03They would go, "Granny, come on, you are of no use to society,
0:10:03 > 0:10:06"you are too expensive, we're having to drive you round
0:10:06 > 0:10:08"to your mates' funerals and stuff like that."
0:10:08 > 0:10:12Take her down the tanning shop and get her deported. Exactly.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Can I guess you haven't applied for shares?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16I have, but...
0:10:18 > 0:10:20It's just, it's horrible.
0:10:20 > 0:10:25It's everything about this government rolled up into one story.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27It is as if the country is being run by Ryanair now.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31You pay for your little thing and that's it, nothing else.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34"I don't want to pay for libraries, I don't go to the library.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37"I'm not paying for the fire service. I'm not on fire."
0:10:39 > 0:10:41"Look at all the money that gets wasted on guide dogs.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43"I can't climb a tree, nobody buys me a gibbon."
0:10:45 > 0:10:47APPLAUSE
0:10:49 > 0:10:51It was hugely oversubscribed, though, that's the key.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54About seven times as many people trying to get the shares
0:10:54 > 0:10:55as there are shares.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57All this idea that it is going to be a capitalism
0:10:57 > 0:10:58that reaches out to the poor,
0:10:58 > 0:11:01and the bank that is organising this,
0:11:01 > 0:11:04that is going to make a huge amount of money, is Goldman Sachs.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07And you think, "Oh, it's about time they had a break, isn't it?"
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Labour say the Post Office is being sold off on the cheap.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Well, because it's so massively oversubscribed.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17The logic is clearly, "We've got to sell off the Post Office."
0:11:17 > 0:11:20And then the market says, "Actually, everybody wants a piece.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22"It is obviously really valuable."
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Which raises the question, why are we selling it off, then?
0:11:25 > 0:11:27If it's a state asset, why can't we keep it?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29And the answer is, they don't know.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32The only bit they're not selling, as Mark will tell you,
0:11:32 > 0:11:35is the massive pension deficit. Which you're paying.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38It's when they say, "We have to sell it off to get investment."
0:11:38 > 0:11:41But it's been going 350-something years.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44So presumably, it's got investment from the government before.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46How did they get all the red vans?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Did they win them on Bullseye or something?
0:11:50 > 0:11:52They think it's going to be like the '80s again, with "tell Sid"
0:11:52 > 0:11:55and everyone buys these shares, but what happened then is
0:11:55 > 0:11:58people bought the shares and then sold them again shortly afterwards.
0:11:58 > 0:11:59According to The Times,
0:11:59 > 0:12:02this might not be the last privatisation we see as well.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05What else are they suggesting might be privatised? The Queen.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09They haven't yet, but that would be oversubscribed, wouldn't it?
0:12:09 > 0:12:10I'd like a piece of her.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14I've heard the rumours.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17What else have they got left to sell off?
0:12:17 > 0:12:20I think the next one will be lamp posts.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22They'll sell off lamp posts
0:12:22 > 0:12:24and you'll have to put 5p in a little meter.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27And it'll give you just enough light to get to the next one
0:12:27 > 0:12:28and you put another one in.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Somewhere George Osborne is writing that down, you know that?
0:12:34 > 0:12:36You know Royal Mail owns a brilliant miniature electric railway.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Absolutely, yeah. It goes from Paddington to Whitechapel.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42And it used to take the mail right across London.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44It hasn't been used for about eight or ten years.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45That'd be brilliant, to use that.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48They're thinking about using it for shops on Oxford Street.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50They could have their own little spouts
0:12:50 > 0:12:52and put the goods up and down it and it whizzes around.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53Mark, you were saying earlier
0:12:53 > 0:12:56that Margaret Thatcher always refused to sell off the Royal Mail.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57What reason did she give?
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Oh, something about the Queen's head, wasn't it? Yes, she said:
0:13:04 > 0:13:06It was Denis's favourite pub, I think.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10What else did we find out about Margaret Thatcher this week?
0:13:10 > 0:13:12She swore quite a lot.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14I bet she didn't describe people as "that bigoted woman", though,
0:13:14 > 0:13:17did she, when the radio mic was left on? Probably not.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19She probably didn't say, "We've just won the World Cup," either.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21There's lots of things she didn't say.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Can't go through them all now. Oh, go on. Just a couple more.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27A couple more? "That's not my kitten."
0:13:29 > 0:13:33"I'm sorry, officer, I had no idea it was hydrochloric acid."
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Those are the three things she never said.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37I tell you what, I bet she used to have a ride
0:13:37 > 0:13:39on that little Royal Mail train, though. Exactly.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Screaming like a banshee.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46"I'm not for turning," she'd say, when she was on it.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49When it got to Whitechapel, she'd have to walk back.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53No, it's about a letter someone sent her.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Did you see this? Someone who resigned from her cabinet.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Oh, it was John Nott, the defence minister.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00John Nott, yeah. He said she was a delicious lady, or something.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03He decided to resign, so he wrote a resignation letter,
0:14:03 > 0:14:04which are usually fairly vanilla.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24He has to clarify what he is at the end of the sentence.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28"As a wildebeest, as a shopping centre in Leeds..."
0:14:29 > 0:14:31"As a man." Does it go on from there? It must do.
0:14:31 > 0:14:32Well, he signs off:
0:14:35 > 0:14:37And do you know what she replied to him?
0:14:37 > 0:14:38"Fuck off."
0:14:41 > 0:14:43I don't think she dignified it with a response.
0:14:43 > 0:14:44She didn't reply at all.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46She ignored him, as a woman.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Yes, she certainly did. And John Nott's autobiography,
0:14:49 > 0:14:53famously called Here Today, Gone Tomorrow. And why was that?
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Robin Day. He walked out on a Robin Day interview.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57He did. Shall we treat ourselves to it?
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Yes. What, is it in black and white and silent?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Have we got the pianist to accompany it?
0:15:02 > 0:15:06Why should the public, on this issue, the future of the Royal Navy,
0:15:06 > 0:15:08believe you, a transient,
0:15:08 > 0:15:11here today and if I may say so, gone tomorrow politician,
0:15:11 > 0:15:14rather than a senior officer of many years?
0:15:14 > 0:15:15I'm sorry, I'm fed up.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20Thank you.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24How did Thatcher turn him down? He's hot.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29Yes, this is the mad rush to buy shares in the Royal Mail.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31To our younger viewers, a letter is a bit like a text,
0:15:31 > 0:15:33but you write it down with a pen and you put it in an envelope
0:15:33 > 0:15:35and you buy a sort of sticker to put on it,
0:15:35 > 0:15:37and then you put it in a hole in one of those red boxes
0:15:37 > 0:15:40and within two days, it will be delivered to the wrong house,
0:15:40 > 0:15:42somewhere near where your friend lives.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45The shares were priced at ?3.30.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47No-one quite understands how they got to that price.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50It was a bit like trying to buy a stamp for something
0:15:50 > 0:15:52that doesn't weigh very much, but is quite wide.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58According to a City analyst:
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Although at least 1 billion of that is in undelivered birthday cheques.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Also this week,
0:16:07 > 0:16:10power shortages across Britain could see a return to the three-day week.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12I'm not worried. We could knock out
0:16:12 > 0:16:1536 episodes of Pointless in that time.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Ian and Dan, here's another for you.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21That's some newspapers, you won't see them for much longer. Lord Leveson.
0:16:21 > 0:16:22And that's the prime minister.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Oh, this is the Privy Council that's going to report on press freedom
0:16:28 > 0:16:31and the plans to regulate the press.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34They've decided to reject the newspapers' own solution
0:16:34 > 0:16:36and have a Royal Charter.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38But the main thing that's coming out of the proposal
0:16:38 > 0:16:42is that publications that won't join up to the regulator, such as, say,
0:16:42 > 0:16:46a small magazine like Private Eye, those publications,
0:16:46 > 0:16:49if they get involved in a libel action and they win,
0:16:49 > 0:16:51they prove that they were right to say it,
0:16:51 > 0:16:53they will not only have to pay all their own costs,
0:16:53 > 0:16:56they will have to pay all the costs of the person who sued them.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00That is now law. That has already been enacted by the Government.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Not by anyone independent, by the politicians.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06So the idea that then, given any say on the rest of the press,
0:17:06 > 0:17:09they will act responsibly - they won't.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12They will punish those whose views they don't like who won't play ball,
0:17:12 > 0:17:15and obviously, that may well be me.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19It ought to be simple.
0:17:19 > 0:17:20It's only because it was Leveson,
0:17:20 > 0:17:22one of these chaps who sits there,
0:17:22 > 0:17:26going, "I've spent 84 years looking through a billion pages",
0:17:26 > 0:17:28and really, he should have just sat there and gone
0:17:28 > 0:17:31"Oh, for Christ's sake, all you horrible bastards,
0:17:31 > 0:17:32"you're just in jail", and that's...
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Everyone says "Well, Lord Leveson, he reported and nothing happened."
0:17:37 > 0:17:38It did happen!
0:17:38 > 0:17:41They closed down the biggest newspaper in the country.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Scores of people have been arrested, journalists.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Lots of people are being prosecuted. It's a big result.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48It's difficult for people
0:17:48 > 0:17:51to find themselves siding with the Daily Mail. You're not.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54But that's what people are thinking.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56They think I'm lining up with Murdoch and with Dacre,
0:17:56 > 0:17:59and that's very embarrassing. Look at me, I'm embarrassed!
0:17:59 > 0:18:00Internally, I'm crawling.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03But, you know, in Britain, we have a free press.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04It's not a pretty press. But it's free.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07It's like the people who can't bear the Daily Mail
0:18:07 > 0:18:11who say you should ban it. No, no, no, you don't ban it.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12You don't buy it.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16APPLAUSE
0:18:18 > 0:18:19At least once a week,
0:18:19 > 0:18:21there will be a story in there that goes
0:18:21 > 0:18:25"Have you seen this woman in her council estate,
0:18:25 > 0:18:28"and she's got 403 kids and they're all on benefits,
0:18:28 > 0:18:31"and now she's bought a giraffe and the giraffe is on benefits,
0:18:31 > 0:18:33"and now she's said to the Government
0:18:33 > 0:18:35"that she can't fit the giraffe in the house,
0:18:35 > 0:18:36"it's getting a cricked neck,
0:18:36 > 0:18:39"so they've put it up in St Paul's Cathedral,
0:18:39 > 0:18:41"and now she's saying that three of her kids
0:18:41 > 0:18:43"have got compulsive snooker syndrome,
0:18:43 > 0:18:46"so the town hall has brought a snooker table round
0:18:46 > 0:18:49"but she can't be referee because she's allergic to white gloves,
0:18:49 > 0:18:52"so the mayor has to come round and count up the points,
0:18:52 > 0:18:55"otherwise he'll be arrested by Europe."
0:18:57 > 0:18:59That is absolutely true, but then every now and then,
0:18:59 > 0:19:01the Daily Mail runs a story like
0:19:01 > 0:19:04"The murderers of Stephen Lawrence shouldn't get off scot-free.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05"They did murder him.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08"We are going to campaign for ten years until they get justice."
0:19:08 > 0:19:10I mean, the free press does good things.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Even if you don't like most of what they do,
0:19:12 > 0:19:14you have to allow people to do these stories,
0:19:14 > 0:19:16otherwise they won't appear.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17You're saying that sometimes,
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Luke Skywalker has to team up with Darth Vader, right?
0:19:26 > 0:19:30Or, as I might put it, Churchill with Stalin. Indeed.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34Just to translate that, that's Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Presumably, Ian is Churchill in that analogy?
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Yes. And Stalin is my father.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48So this is all going to come into play on October 30th.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51I've got the official timetable of what happens.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53It's the Privy Council, so it's quite confusing.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57The Queen will attend the Privy Council with her official seal.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00LAUGHTER AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Judging by that noise, it's in the front row.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09She will then ratify the Royal Charter,
0:20:09 > 0:20:12which editors will be expected to sign up to.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Ian Hislop will then be hung for treason.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20His head will then be put on a spike and sent on a tour of the country
0:20:20 > 0:20:24before being buried ceremonially under a car park in Leicester.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27And Rupert Murdoch, as you say, is not happy either, is he?
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Did you see his tweet this week?
0:20:29 > 0:20:32You'd think he'd just shut up for a while.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Um, having been Darth Vader in your...
0:20:37 > 0:20:40..picture, and having been comprehensively defeated by
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Yoda...
0:20:44 > 0:20:47..who I believe is Lord Leveson in this analogy...
0:20:47 > 0:20:49I think he said "Regulate the press, will I?"
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Let's take a look at Rupert Murdoch's tweet. He said:
0:21:05 > 0:21:09Is it just me? I always think mouthpiece sounds really rude.
0:21:09 > 0:21:10Hmm. Like manhole.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Did you see the journalist Mehdi Hasan
0:21:15 > 0:21:17taking the Daily Mail to task on Question Time?
0:21:17 > 0:21:22No. Yes. He did. He called it:
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Although the Mail did print this in retaliation.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34It's a letter from Mehdi Hasan, applying for a job at the Mail.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39In a letter to Paul Dacre a few years ago, he says:
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Ooh. Ouch.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Ed Miliband, of course,
0:21:52 > 0:21:54has done well out of his fight with the Mail.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57This week, he's been reinforcing his tough guy image. Let's take a look.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02He's played by Jason Statham there.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05As an example of press freedom,
0:22:05 > 0:22:08what did the Guardian do that was described this week
0:22:08 > 0:22:12as the greatest damage to the Western security apparatus in history?
0:22:12 > 0:22:13It's the new head of MI5,
0:22:13 > 0:22:17who has said the Guardian has acted really irresponsibly
0:22:17 > 0:22:20in pointing out that we are spying on people.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24And the Guardian has said "Well, even Obama has said, actually,
0:22:24 > 0:22:26"we were probably overdoing the spying."
0:22:26 > 0:22:28But in this country, everyone's gone mental and said
0:22:28 > 0:22:31"Oh, no, the Guardian should be put down",
0:22:31 > 0:22:34because they pointed out that we're all being spied on all the time.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37It's a matter of consent.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39You can debate this and say "Yes, I'd like to be spied on".
0:22:39 > 0:22:40I know I would.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Anyone showing any interest in my life would be terrific.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49I'd be very happy with that.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53But I think it's a matter for public debate,
0:22:53 > 0:22:56and if we want to pass laws saying we can spy on people, we can.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58It's just that what the Guardian did
0:22:58 > 0:23:00was point out that this is happening, and nobody knows it.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03I always like people's use of the words "in history",
0:23:03 > 0:23:05because that's quite a long time.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08What about when the entire British Secret Service
0:23:08 > 0:23:11was working for the Russians? When did that happen?
0:23:11 > 0:23:14For most of the Cold War. Really? All of them? Pretty much.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17So you'd think that was pretty bad, wasn't it?
0:23:17 > 0:23:19So this is clearly also a bit bad,
0:23:19 > 0:23:24but I don't think it's the worst security breach in history.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Also, when Judi Dench died...
0:23:31 > 0:23:36And what did David Cameron say GCHQ could do in the Guardian offices?
0:23:36 > 0:23:40Destroy computers? They hit them with an axe, didn't they?
0:23:40 > 0:23:43It was an old-fashioned way of containing the problem.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Aren't they all in a cloud somewhere?
0:23:46 > 0:23:50They are since they privatised the Met Office. Oh, right.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52That's what I didn't understand.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56When that guy got caught at Heathrow smuggling all the information...
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Yeah? Why did he have to smuggle it out?
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Didn't he have it on a stick?
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Yeah, but can he not e-mail it?
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Is that not a thing? I don't know.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10It is a thing. I've heard of that.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13He'll be watching this and he'll think, "Oh!"
0:24:17 > 0:24:18Yes, this is the march
0:24:18 > 0:24:20towards government regulation of the press,
0:24:20 > 0:24:22which the whole of Fleet Street argues
0:24:22 > 0:24:25would be an unmitigated disaster. According to the Mail,
0:24:25 > 0:24:27the cross-party agreement was negotiated:
0:24:29 > 0:24:33Pizza? That's Italian. God, Miliband really does hate Britain.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Meanwhile, in a speech, Andrew Parker, the head of MI5,
0:24:37 > 0:24:38has attacked the Guardian
0:24:38 > 0:24:41and Edward Snowden for harming Britain's intelligence service.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43All the protagonists in this story
0:24:43 > 0:24:45appeared on the front page of the Daily Mail -
0:24:45 > 0:24:47coincidentally, the three men who beat me
0:24:47 > 0:24:50in this year's Vision Express Mr Sexy Specs competition.
0:24:51 > 0:24:532014, that's my year.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Spymaster Andrew Parker may not look much like
0:24:56 > 0:24:59he's a specialist in espionage and covert operations,
0:24:59 > 0:25:02but to be fair to him, he is a 68-year-old black woman.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Paul and Mark, here's another one for you.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09This is a cat being massaged.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12There was a story this week that not all cats like being stroked,
0:25:12 > 0:25:17and when they're purring, it could be a sign of distress.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20That's exactly right. Who was the research done by? Dogs.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24No, it was actually done by Professor Daniel Mills,
0:25:24 > 0:25:26of the University of Lincoln.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29How could he tell the cats were stressed when you stroked them?
0:25:29 > 0:25:30He had them all wired up.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33To electricity, which would stress anybody out.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35He said that when handled by humans,
0:25:35 > 0:25:38they let off a small amount of hormone linked to anxiety.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41I did that at the start of the show. Did you? Yeah.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47But we're not actually meant to do a full massage on cats.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Just if they are feeling a bit down, say,
0:25:50 > 0:25:52"Oh, have you had a terrible day?
0:25:52 > 0:25:55"What's it like outside?" "Oh, raining again".
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Is that the cat speaking?
0:25:58 > 0:26:02That's more of a story in my mind, that the cat's actually talking, rather than getting a massage.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05No, it doesn't say anything, that was me doing the massage.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Well, that's misleading. You as the editor of a publication,
0:26:08 > 0:26:11now on television, telling people that cats can talk?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Where's Lord Leveson when you need him?
0:26:15 > 0:26:16Working for the dogs.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22During the tests, what proportion of the cats enjoyed being stroked? 43%.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25You're so close. Eight out of ten.
0:26:30 > 0:26:31It was none at all.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35I'm just going to warn viewers at home now
0:26:35 > 0:26:38to look away if you don't want to see a photograph of someone
0:26:38 > 0:26:40deliberately stressing out a cat.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44The Mail Online carried the story,
0:26:44 > 0:26:46and there was a big response in the comment section.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49For example, Alexandra wrote:
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Round two is called the history noise. I'll play you a noise
0:26:59 > 0:27:02which will relate to a story from this week's news
0:27:02 > 0:27:03which has a link to history.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Buzz in when you think you know what the story is.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Let's hear the first noise.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09'Come on. Come on. Quickly, I need an answer.'
0:27:09 > 0:27:13Merton. That's Jeremy Paxman. It is Jeremy Paxman.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16And he's just brought a book out about the First World War,
0:27:16 > 0:27:19and he was being asked a question about it at a book festival
0:27:19 > 0:27:23and didn't know any answers to the simple questions he was being asked. Absolutely right.
0:27:23 > 0:27:24Do you know what he was asked? Yes.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28BELL Hislop. Magdalen.
0:27:28 > 0:27:33By nature or by...university?
0:27:33 > 0:27:36He couldn't answer what happened to Lord Kitchener,
0:27:36 > 0:27:39very much the poster boy for World War I. What happened?
0:27:39 > 0:27:42He was on a ship that hit a mine. It was on its way to Russia.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46There was a bit of a Cabinet reshuffle, actually.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50And Paxman didn't know at all. He didn't even know
0:27:50 > 0:27:54the name of the soldier in that tomb at Westminster Abbey.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57That's inexcusable, isn't it, Dan? Yes.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00It's also inexcusable to be a BBC history presenter that loses out
0:28:00 > 0:28:03to a man who knows nothing in a big landmark history series
0:28:03 > 0:28:06about the First World War. So I'm an even bigger failure.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Was it not offered to you? Of course not.
0:28:09 > 0:28:10Surely you were a shoo-in for that job?
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Well, you'd have thought so, you know.
0:28:15 > 0:28:19In addition to Jeremy Paxman, who else is stupid this week?
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Oh, is this the global education report? Yes.
0:28:21 > 0:28:25The international education report.
0:28:25 > 0:28:29Britain was 22nd in literacy, and 21st in numeracy?
0:28:29 > 0:28:30And that was out of 20.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34I don't know, I couldn't read it.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39And older people in this country are much more literate
0:28:39 > 0:28:41and numerate than younger people,
0:28:41 > 0:28:44and in all the successful countries, it's the other way round.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46Which suggests that something has gone wrong.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49They've got their own language, haven't they, 19-year-olds?
0:28:49 > 0:28:50So have the French.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55Who were the least numerate people on Earth? Below us?
0:28:55 > 0:28:57It was the Americans.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00They don't even know there's more than one math.
0:29:03 > 0:29:06Yes, Jeremy Paxman is the latest in a long line of people
0:29:06 > 0:29:09to cash in on - sorry, commemorate - World War I.
0:29:09 > 0:29:11One plan for the commemorations
0:29:11 > 0:29:13is to replay the famous Christmas Day football match
0:29:13 > 0:29:16with a special game between England and Germany,
0:29:16 > 0:29:18to be shown live on Sky Sports. Sombre Sunday.
0:29:20 > 0:29:21Also this week,
0:29:21 > 0:29:25the Cookie Monster made an exclusive appearance on Newsnight, saying:
0:29:31 > 0:29:34I'm so sorry, that was Boris Johnson.
0:29:37 > 0:29:40Let's take a listen to the next history noise.
0:29:40 > 0:29:41ZIPPER SQUEAKS
0:29:41 > 0:29:43BUZZER
0:29:43 > 0:29:47Paul and Mark. That wasn't a zip? It was a zip.
0:29:47 > 0:29:49Why is a zip historical this week?
0:29:49 > 0:29:51Must be the hundredth anniversary of the zip.
0:29:51 > 0:29:54Yes, it's been 100 years to the day since a man first went
0:29:54 > 0:29:56"Ow! No, that's just making it worse."
0:30:03 > 0:30:07Tell you what, if cats don't like being stroked, they should try that.
0:30:07 > 0:30:08The zip appears in the top five
0:30:08 > 0:30:11of the list of the 100 greatest inventions of all time.
0:30:11 > 0:30:14Can you tell me what else might appear in the top five? Fire.
0:30:14 > 0:30:19There's a moth in the studio. Moths. A moth. Fire.
0:30:19 > 0:30:22Fire's got to be one of the top inventions, hasn't it? No.
0:30:22 > 0:30:24I think fire was a discovery more than an invention.
0:30:24 > 0:30:26That moth is very excited.
0:30:26 > 0:30:29Someone's got something very old out of the wardrobe.
0:30:29 > 0:30:32I think it's that gentleman's jumper.
0:30:32 > 0:30:35It shows you how interesting this programme is.
0:30:35 > 0:30:38Everybody's focus is now on that moth. So, yeah, fire's a discovery.
0:30:40 > 0:30:42Let's take a look at the top five. They are, in order:
0:30:49 > 0:30:53Fire! Portable fire, I should have said.
0:30:53 > 0:30:55What about the moth zapper?
0:30:55 > 0:30:58We could really do with one now.
0:30:58 > 0:31:02I told you to wait in the van.
0:31:03 > 0:31:04Told it to wait in the van.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10This list of inventions, was it written by Grazia?
0:31:10 > 0:31:13It's all to do with going out.
0:31:13 > 0:31:16It does sound like a good night, doesn't it? What, light bulb?
0:31:16 > 0:31:18You could have a whole evening, couldn't you?
0:31:18 > 0:31:21Open some wine, glasses off, trousers down...
0:31:22 > 0:31:24Smoke afterwards, light back on.
0:31:24 > 0:31:27I'm guessing number six on the list was a minicab. Yes.
0:31:29 > 0:31:33That moth's mates aren't going to believe it when it gets back.
0:31:33 > 0:31:36"Guess what I've done? I went on Have I Got News For You". "Get out of here!"
0:31:36 > 0:31:42Don't scoff. Tonight, he's a guest. Next week, he's going to be hosting.
0:31:42 > 0:31:47I don't think the life span is quite long enough. Shame. Anybody...
0:31:49 > 0:31:51He'd be very good. He's compelling, isn't he?
0:31:56 > 0:31:59Anybody know what great innovation happened to the zip in the 1970s?
0:31:59 > 0:32:02Yes. The double zip. Closing at both ends.
0:32:02 > 0:32:05That is exactly right, the introduction of the double zip.
0:32:05 > 0:32:07I thought you had to be a real anorak to know that.
0:32:10 > 0:32:14And the next history noise for you.
0:32:14 > 0:32:15TRUMPET FANFARE
0:32:15 > 0:32:18WHISTLE, THUMP
0:32:18 > 0:32:20BUZZER
0:32:20 > 0:32:23Paul again. That's the sound of a football being kicked. Yeah.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26And the whistle was a clue that it was a football.
0:32:26 > 0:32:28There was some sort of fanfare before that.
0:32:28 > 0:32:31We've had a football match at Buckingham Palace this week.
0:32:31 > 0:32:33Exactly right. 150 years of the FA,
0:32:33 > 0:32:37and one of the teams playing was one of the 12 original teams.
0:32:37 > 0:32:41Civil Servants United? Yeah, Civil Service FC.
0:32:41 > 0:32:42I only read the first few...
0:32:42 > 0:32:45I got so bored of the story that I stopped reading it after PO.
0:32:45 > 0:32:46That's why, as a historian,
0:32:46 > 0:32:50you haven't buzzed in for one of the questions on the history round.
0:32:50 > 0:32:52No wonder they gave Paxman that documentary.
0:32:54 > 0:32:58Didn't Prince Harry play in this game? It was Prince William.
0:32:58 > 0:32:59Shall we take a look at him? Yes.
0:33:00 > 0:33:05That's from Danny Baker's 101 campest throw-ins of all time.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08What was special about what William was wearing for this match?
0:33:08 > 0:33:10He had boots that were signed by Wayne Rooney.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12According to the Express, he wore:
0:33:14 > 0:33:16You could tell they were Wayne's
0:33:16 > 0:33:19because of the trademark L and R tippexed on the toe cap.
0:33:19 > 0:33:22In his pre-match speech, Prince William said:
0:33:27 > 0:33:29"And what's more, you'll have to pay for it.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31"Oh, hang on, you already pay for it."
0:33:31 > 0:33:34Now, there were all sorts of nationalities playing in this team.
0:33:34 > 0:33:38So what did they have to do with Prince Philip while the game was on?
0:33:39 > 0:33:42Where did they send him this week? Balmoral, somewhere like that?
0:33:42 > 0:33:45They sent him to an old people's home. Oh.
0:33:45 > 0:33:47A people's home, I think he would call it.
0:33:49 > 0:33:51But how did he show he was back on form?
0:33:51 > 0:33:53He saw this girl, who was a pensioner's great-granddaughter.
0:33:53 > 0:33:54He said:
0:34:01 > 0:34:04Yes, this is the football match at Buckingham Palace
0:34:04 > 0:34:06to celebrate 150 years of the FA.
0:34:06 > 0:34:08The footballers left via a tour of Buckingham Palace.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11It took a while, because whenever they saw those little ropes
0:34:11 > 0:34:12to keep you off the furniture,
0:34:12 > 0:34:14they assumed it was a VIP area and went in for a lap dance.
0:34:16 > 0:34:19Time now for the odd one out round. One between you this week.
0:34:19 > 0:34:20Your four are:
0:34:20 > 0:34:23John Bercow, Archduke Franz Ferdinand,
0:34:23 > 0:34:28Liam Fox and Lloyd George, Dan Snow's great-great-grandfather.
0:34:28 > 0:34:33Liam Fox is the odd one out. Go on. Because he's got no teeth.
0:34:33 > 0:34:37No, because... Everybody else...
0:34:37 > 0:34:39John Bercow was involved in a car crash
0:34:39 > 0:34:42in a Chelsea street outside a restaurant.
0:34:42 > 0:34:46Ferdinand, of course was shot, and the First World War ensued.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49Lloyd George, I don't know anything about him and cars,
0:34:49 > 0:34:52but I say Liam Fox had a travelling thing.
0:34:52 > 0:34:53He didn't get into trouble,
0:34:53 > 0:34:56he just claimed threepence for going 300 yards,
0:34:56 > 0:34:58but the others have all been involved in incidents in cars.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01Is the correct answer. Very well done.
0:35:01 > 0:35:03APPLAUSE
0:35:06 > 0:35:09Yes, they have all been involved in a motoring incident
0:35:09 > 0:35:12except Liam Fox, who was involved in a motoring expenses incident
0:35:12 > 0:35:14after claiming 3p for a journey of 100 metres
0:35:14 > 0:35:16on his Parliamentary expenses.
0:35:16 > 0:35:18Lloyd George was on his way home in a car with his wife
0:35:18 > 0:35:21after speaking out in favour of women's suffrage
0:35:21 > 0:35:24when someone threw a case through his car window,
0:35:24 > 0:35:25trying to smash the window.
0:35:25 > 0:35:27But he had wound the window down,
0:35:27 > 0:35:29so it hit him in the face instead, unfortunately.
0:35:29 > 0:35:32And they caught the assailant because it was his own case,
0:35:32 > 0:35:33and it had all his papers in it.
0:35:33 > 0:35:38Yeah, Lloyd George did excite passion in his opponents.
0:35:38 > 0:35:39During the height of the Boer War,
0:35:39 > 0:35:45he was chased out of Glasgow by a mob of Tory students.
0:35:45 > 0:35:49Like Farage in reverse? Exactly.
0:35:49 > 0:35:50John Bercow, the Speaker of the House,
0:35:50 > 0:35:52was accused recently of bashing into someone's car
0:35:52 > 0:35:54while trying to squeeze himself
0:35:54 > 0:35:56into a space that was too small for him,
0:35:56 > 0:35:57which can't happen very often.
0:35:57 > 0:35:59Of course, John Bercow denies this.
0:36:01 > 0:36:04Archduke Ferdinand was involved in quite a notable incident in 1914
0:36:04 > 0:36:06involving a motorcar.
0:36:06 > 0:36:07His security wasn't great,
0:36:07 > 0:36:10because he survived other assassination attempts.
0:36:10 > 0:36:12Didn't they lose him? The assassin was on his way home.
0:36:12 > 0:36:15The assassin said they'd missed him because he'd been re-routed.
0:36:15 > 0:36:19The driver went, "I don't want to go this way", and stopped.
0:36:19 > 0:36:21Not only did he go the wrong way, but he then stopped the car
0:36:21 > 0:36:23to do a three-point turn and go the other way.
0:36:23 > 0:36:27All Princip had to do was shoot at a stationary vehicle.
0:36:27 > 0:36:30That reminds me, I really must get on with Grand Theft Auto five.
0:36:31 > 0:36:34Not like Lee Harvey Oswald. That guy was a good shot.
0:36:34 > 0:36:36Oof.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38That is too soon.
0:36:40 > 0:36:43That was the most stupid answer we ever had on Pointless.
0:36:43 > 0:36:44The question was,
0:36:44 > 0:36:46who was assassinated by Lee Harvey Oswald in Dallas?
0:36:46 > 0:36:48And this woman says
0:36:48 > 0:36:50"The only person I know who was assassinated in Dallas was JR."
0:36:53 > 0:36:56Did you have to go "Well, it's not, strictly speaking, true"?
0:36:56 > 0:36:59Well, we had to laugh for about 15 minutes first.
0:36:59 > 0:37:00Then we had to gather ourselves,
0:37:00 > 0:37:04get changed and come back into the studio.
0:37:04 > 0:37:06Lloyd George was a member of the Liberal Party,
0:37:06 > 0:37:07and is listed in the history books as:
0:37:12 > 0:37:15Here is the person whose car John Bercow allegedly bumped.
0:37:15 > 0:37:17A tall, blonde woman, happy to boost her own profile
0:37:17 > 0:37:18and pose for the press.
0:37:18 > 0:37:21Or as John Bercow would call her, "my kind of girl".
0:37:22 > 0:37:25Which means, at the end of that round,
0:37:25 > 0:37:30it is four points to Ian and Dan, and nine points to Paul and Mark.
0:37:30 > 0:37:31That's plain embarrassing.
0:37:35 > 0:37:39How is having a leading historian working out for you, Ian?
0:37:39 > 0:37:42It's hard to expect a historian to be good at contemporary events.
0:37:42 > 0:37:44Tomorrow, he'd be great.
0:37:45 > 0:37:48Time now for the missing words round, which this week
0:37:48 > 0:37:51features as its guest publication International Sheepdog News.
0:37:51 > 0:37:54It's a brilliant read, brilliantly illustrated, the dog's bollocks...
0:37:54 > 0:37:55are on page 16.
0:37:57 > 0:37:58We start with:
0:38:01 > 0:38:02Sugar.
0:38:02 > 0:38:04Alan Sugar. Lord Sugar.
0:38:04 > 0:38:07He uses the 7.40 from Doncaster.
0:38:08 > 0:38:11You're not going to get it.
0:38:14 > 0:38:16Oh. Shall we take a little look at him? Yes, please.
0:38:16 > 0:38:18He's got a deep bath.
0:38:21 > 0:38:24Next:
0:38:26 > 0:38:32Sheepdogs! It's about alleviating crushing rural boredom.
0:38:33 > 0:38:37Both. Paul, I have to give it to you.
0:38:37 > 0:38:40It's about both, absolutely right. Next:
0:38:43 > 0:38:49Voting Lib Dem. Stop calling women fluffy or scary.
0:38:49 > 0:38:51It's a plea to take women seriously.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54Ian, that is exactly the right answer. Yes.
0:38:59 > 0:39:03Stop doing it, not start doing it. Don't want to get that wrong.
0:39:05 > 0:39:11She's changed her mind. It used to be "Start calling women scary."
0:39:15 > 0:39:17It's a ridiculous claim that women are second-class citizens.
0:39:17 > 0:39:19If the producers had booked any on today's show,
0:39:19 > 0:39:22I might... I'm sure they would agree with me. I messed that up.
0:39:22 > 0:39:25If we had a female host, I'm sure she'd have done that properly.
0:39:25 > 0:39:26Next:
0:39:29 > 0:39:31Eating sheep.
0:39:31 > 0:39:34Telling the neighbours that you're bisexual.
0:39:38 > 0:39:41Next:
0:39:41 > 0:39:43DAN SNOW: Too soft, says Putin.
0:39:43 > 0:39:47MARK STEEL: All right, once you got to know him.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51You were actually right the first time. Apparently:
0:39:52 > 0:39:55Ivan the Terrible died whilst playing chess.
0:39:55 > 0:39:57He was given the last rites by a bishop,
0:39:57 > 0:39:58who took his time getting there
0:39:58 > 0:40:01because he could only move diagonally.
0:40:01 > 0:40:02And finally:
0:40:04 > 0:40:06Lebensraum!
0:40:07 > 0:40:10A historical joke!
0:40:10 > 0:40:11Sheepdogs!
0:40:15 > 0:40:16Of course.
0:40:16 > 0:40:19Partly because all the Polish Border collies are in this country,
0:40:19 > 0:40:23rounding up sheep for half the price of the English ones.
0:40:23 > 0:40:26So, the final scores are: Ian and Dan, seven points.
0:40:26 > 0:40:30Paul and Mark are this week's winners, with 11 points.
0:40:35 > 0:40:39But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:40:39 > 0:40:42Budget cuts affect Incredible Hulk movie?
0:40:44 > 0:40:46And this:
0:40:46 > 0:40:49If Qatar can have the football, Atlantis can have the cricket.
0:40:51 > 0:40:53Aren't their teeth clean, though?
0:40:55 > 0:40:56Rain stops play.
0:41:01 > 0:41:03On which note, we say thank you to our contestants,
0:41:03 > 0:41:06Ian Hislop and Dan Snow, Paul Merton and Mark Steel.
0:41:06 > 0:41:08I'll leave you with news that in London,
0:41:08 > 0:41:11the publisher who suggested a new Bridget Jones book would be a great idea
0:41:11 > 0:41:12is swiftly tracked down.
0:41:16 > 0:41:19As part of a crackdown on recycling, Kingston council officials
0:41:19 > 0:41:21go through the bins at Ronnie Corbett's house.
0:41:24 > 0:41:26And there are incredible scenes
0:41:26 > 0:41:28at the World's Smuggest Man competition,
0:41:28 > 0:41:30as judges declare it a three-way tie.
0:41:34 > 0:41:35Good night.
0:42:07 > 0:42:10Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd