0:00:32 > 0:00:37This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Stephen Merchant.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44In the news this week, desperate to start another fight with the Daily Mail,
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Ed Miliband is persuaded not to by his spin doctors...
0:00:53 > 0:00:54..at a press conference in London,
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Cheryl Cole offers to show off her new arse tattoo...
0:01:02 > 0:01:06..and in Westminster, the day before throwing an egg at a politician,
0:01:06 > 0:01:09a very methodical protester rehearses her plan.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22On Ian's team tonight is the presenter of
0:01:22 > 0:01:24BBC One Saturday night series I Love My Country,
0:01:24 > 0:01:27described by the Daily Mail as a show for everyone,
0:01:27 > 0:01:29except Ralf Miliband.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30Please welcome Gabby Logan.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32APPLAUSE
0:01:36 > 0:01:38And with Paul tonight is an actor and comedian
0:01:38 > 0:01:41whose mother is one of the best make-up artists in the country
0:01:41 > 0:01:43so I dread to think what he really looks like.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Please welcome Hal Cruttenden.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47APPLAUSE
0:01:51 > 0:01:53And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Paul and Hal, take a look at this.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Yes, this is Chinese opera and that's George Osborne
0:01:58 > 0:02:01in China looking very pleased that he's there at the opera.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02There's...
0:02:02 > 0:02:03Mr Toad, is that?
0:02:05 > 0:02:07This is Boris and George in China.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10That's right, they were there on a charm offensive. Yes.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Boris provided the charm.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Yes.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16But did you see that George had all the girls?
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Well, he's a good-looking, smooth operator, isn't he? He is!
0:02:19 > 0:02:21It's that haircut, isn't it?
0:02:21 > 0:02:2210% off wallpaper.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Now, it was supposed to be Boris's trip. Mmm.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Why did George get along?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30How did manage to weasel in? Why did he weasel in?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Did he weasel in?
0:02:32 > 0:02:35I don't know. I've been in America. I don't know what's going on.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37I don't mean that in a fancy way, like,
0:02:37 > 0:02:39"I've been in America." I just mean...
0:02:39 > 0:02:41I was fancy, actually. It was Los Angeles. Screw you.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45No, why... Why was George along?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48It was meant to be Boris's trip to start with.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Right. Then I think that the suggestion was
0:02:50 > 0:02:53that Boris might need a chaperone. Right.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55There is some suggestion as well, perhaps,
0:02:55 > 0:02:59that George was also trying to make up for...
0:02:59 > 0:03:02for previous incidents that occurred. Last year... Yes.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06..they met the Dalai Lama and that upset the Chinese.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08GABBY: George and Boris? No, David Cameron.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10HAL: Cameron and Clegg.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Cameron and Clegg. Yes, he took Clegg with him.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Cleggy and Cammo,
0:03:15 > 0:03:18they met Lammo. They did!
0:03:18 > 0:03:22It was very embarrassing because our Prime Minister talked
0:03:22 > 0:03:25to the Dalai Lama about human rights and they kept saying to Osborne,
0:03:25 > 0:03:28"Is he going to meet the Dalai Lama again?" and Osborne said,
0:03:28 > 0:03:32"No, he's met him now, we don't have to do that again."
0:03:32 > 0:03:34So they couldn't get him to admit
0:03:34 > 0:03:36that one day we may talk about that again, but in the meantime,
0:03:36 > 0:03:38we're just talking about money.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42"Give us your money, all of it. As much as you've got."
0:03:42 > 0:03:44We don't actually get that much investment, do we, from China?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46No, not yet. No.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48SHOUT FROM AUDIENCE
0:03:48 > 0:03:49Is that someone in a minicab?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55The Chinese Secret Police are here!
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Even mentioning the Dalai Lama!
0:04:00 > 0:04:04Terribly sorry! Funny glasses. You know...
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Well, the Chinese are terrified of the Dalai Lama
0:04:06 > 0:04:08cos he's a threat to their national security.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11You can tell from this picture how terrifying he is. Look at him.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Striking fear... ..into the hearts.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14How did Boris upstage George?
0:04:14 > 0:04:16I don't know. Tell us. Thank you.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20It was a big speech at Peking University. Any ideas?
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Did he speak Pekingese?
0:04:23 > 0:04:24Which is... Pekingese?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Isn't that "dog"? did he speak "dog"?
0:04:28 > 0:04:30I was...
0:04:30 > 0:04:33I was trying to find... No, he spoke orange or mandarin.
0:04:33 > 0:04:34You're on the right lines.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35George was trying to make the point
0:04:35 > 0:04:37that China was so important to the British people
0:04:37 > 0:04:40that his daughter was learning Mandarin at school.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41Then Boris said...
0:04:45 > 0:04:47LAUGHTER
0:04:50 > 0:04:51Eh? How about that, George? Swivel.
0:04:54 > 0:04:59And he said, "Well, my daughter is going to marry a Chinaman, actually."
0:04:59 > 0:05:01You can't say Chinaman!
0:05:01 > 0:05:05Here's a picture, by the way, of George and Boris looking pally.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10"Come here, me old pal!"
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Nothing he ever does about his appearance is accidental.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16The tie's placed there very...
0:05:16 > 0:05:19LAUGHTER ..very deliberately.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23GABBY: A phallic tie. Why is that woman looking so disgusted at his...
0:05:23 > 0:05:24She's looking at Boris Johnson.
0:05:26 > 0:05:31I was actually at school with George Osborne, that is my revelation.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35Sadly, he was two years below me, and he's done rather better.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37He's not been on this show, has he?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39No, and he's done very few of the shows you've done.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43Yeah, exactly. So yeah, George, wherever you are.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47Gideon is how we knew him. Yes, he was a little, whiny, weird boy.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Did you bully him? No, but I wish I had.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Being bullied from you is really being bullied. Yes, it is. Wow!
0:05:53 > 0:05:56It's properly humiliating with this tone of voice.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58"Oh, I'm going to head down the toilets..."
0:05:58 > 0:06:01They both went there on a sales pitch,
0:06:01 > 0:06:04and I think, because people have said that both of them
0:06:04 > 0:06:07might take over the government one day,
0:06:07 > 0:06:09which is an extraordinary thought, isn't it?
0:06:09 > 0:06:11That they were both trying to show,
0:06:11 > 0:06:14"I can sell more stuff to China than you can."
0:06:14 > 0:06:18And they both made these speeches. Did you see Boris's speech?
0:06:18 > 0:06:20He said the reason that China would love us -
0:06:20 > 0:06:23because Harry Potter's first girlfriend was Chinese.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25LAUGHTER
0:06:27 > 0:06:29APPLAUSE
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Yes, he did say that according to JK Rowling...
0:06:37 > 0:06:40And she's now chairman of the Central Communist Party!
0:06:40 > 0:06:44How did The Independent describe George Osborne and Boris Johnson?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Well, they described them as "yin and yang".
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Did they really? Yeah, no, I don't think so.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Someone described them as "yin and yang",
0:06:53 > 0:06:55these elemental forces
0:06:55 > 0:06:58that... Shape the world.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00And disappear up each other in that symbol.
0:07:01 > 0:07:02Oh, that's horrific. That's...
0:07:04 > 0:07:07I'm just trying to add a bit of up-market Chinese philosophy.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10In actuality, they're more Ant and Dec.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14But now I've got Ant and Dec going up each other.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20You mentioned that Boris mentioned JK Rowling.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22How did George try and win over Chinese people,
0:07:22 > 0:07:24using popular culture?
0:07:24 > 0:07:25Dean Martin tribute act?
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Did he talk about Downton Abbey?
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Go on. He said that 160 million Chinese people watch Downton Abbey.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36That's right. And actually, only 120 million watch it worldwide.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39But he wasn't including the pubs and bars because they are packed.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41They are rammed.
0:07:41 > 0:07:46You go to Beijing on Sunday night, you cannot move!
0:07:46 > 0:07:47Oh, Mr Bates!
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Sorry, what was that?!
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Right, what are the chances of Matt getting in?!
0:07:57 > 0:08:00LAUGHTER
0:08:00 > 0:08:01And what was George offering the Chinese,
0:08:01 > 0:08:03according to The Independent?
0:08:03 > 0:08:05You mentioned trade, but what else? Oh, anything. What is it?
0:08:05 > 0:08:08They're going to take over Manchester, nuclear power.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10It's going to be a lot easier to get in.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11Right, absolutely, yes. Of course.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14According to The Independent, George was offering...
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Which chimes in perfect harmony with the Home Secretary who wants...
0:08:31 > 0:08:34How is the rise of China impacting on middle-class dinner parties
0:08:34 > 0:08:37here in the UK? LAUGHTER
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Yeah, it's an issue, it's a problem.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Is it, "does your child learn Mandarin?"
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Surely, with the Chinese taking over, all the kids need to know is
0:08:46 > 0:08:49the words for "yes" and "sir" - that's going to be the future, isn't it?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52"Kow. Tow."
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Apparently, there's concern
0:08:54 > 0:08:59because China now lead the world in consuming of goat's cheese.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03Apparently, the Chinese middle-class love a bit of goat's cheese.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06And you can barely get it now, apparently.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09An economist warned that the problem could get even worse.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11"The goat's cheese is just for starters."
0:09:13 > 0:09:16APPLAUSE
0:09:19 > 0:09:20Staying in the mystic east,
0:09:20 > 0:09:22what's the big news from the Himalayas?
0:09:22 > 0:09:24It's the yeti. Go on. They think the yeti...
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Well, they know the yeti doesn't exist because we would have
0:09:26 > 0:09:29found one by now, but they think it might be a bear. Right.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31That's what they're saying, isn't it? A bear covered in snow.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33That's it, absolutely right, yeah.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Do we know where the word comes from?
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Has anyone seen one? Not yet!
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Thank you!
0:09:40 > 0:09:44The name itself comes from the word "ya" meaning rocky place,
0:09:44 > 0:09:50and "che" meaning bear. The clue was in the name!
0:09:50 > 0:09:54Do we know who covets, or who has coveted a yeti?
0:09:54 > 0:09:55Tom Cruise?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Could be the Cruise Machine. Do you know him? Have you met him?
0:09:58 > 0:09:59Do I know Cruise?
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Maybe I went to dinner while I was in LA at Cruise's house.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05How was it? Great. Lovely bit of chicken.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Did he wear lifts in his shoes to meet you? He must have done.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10I'm not answering those kind of questions. I bet he did.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12And I played pool with his pool cue from The Colour Of Money.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13Really? Yeah.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17"Played with Tom Cruise's pool cue." That sounds weird.
0:10:17 > 0:10:18Oh, there you are.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Now, do we know who else coveted the yeti?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Alexander the Great.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26He wanted one? He wanted one.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Don't judge, different times.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33It's like a Porsche Cayenne now, isn't it?
0:10:33 > 0:10:34Things that people want.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36He's giving you that look as though he's got one.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38I haven't got a Porsche Cayenne, no.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40You wouldn't fit in a Porsche, would you?
0:10:40 > 0:10:41All right, come on. Sorry!
0:10:41 > 0:10:44It's a good thing. I bet you've got a Range Rover.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46I'm only mentioning that because I did a show recently
0:10:46 > 0:10:50and I mentioned Yorkshire Tea and a huge box arrived...
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Really? ..just after the show, so...
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Oh, Gabby, I tell you one thing, though -
0:10:55 > 0:10:56aren't Rolex watches amazing?
0:10:58 > 0:11:00I really like Filipino women.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02LAUGHTER Sorry, is that...
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Is that too much? APPLAUSE
0:11:06 > 0:11:09This is the latest attempt to sell Britain to China.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13Asked who was in charge of the UK delegation, Boris replied...
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Yes, "Confucius say: when man talk like idiot and look like idiot...
0:11:21 > 0:11:23"man idiot."
0:11:23 > 0:11:25At a press conference in Beijing,
0:11:25 > 0:11:27when Boris Johnson was asked about threats of violence
0:11:27 > 0:11:29against dissenting journalists
0:11:29 > 0:11:31and a shameful record on women and abortions,
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Boris said, "Can we just talk about China instead?"
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Boris was keen to point out
0:11:38 > 0:11:40that the first girl that Harry Potter ever kissed
0:11:40 > 0:11:42was a Chinese student called Cho Chang.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46If you're wondering, Harry kissed her in the Goblet of Fire.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53They had to cut that scene out from the film to get a PG rating.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Ian and Gabby, take a look at this.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Now, it's the policeman saluting Andrew Mitchell,
0:12:01 > 0:12:04who was the victim of a plot.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06He's saying goodbye to his career,
0:12:06 > 0:12:07as they stitch him up.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09This is Plebgate. Yes.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12And we're finally coming to the end of it. Maybe not.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14It seems that there should be somebody hung out for this.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Yeah, well there have been some... That's the implication, isn't it?
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Well, the CPS are looking at prosecuting some policemen.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22So, it's probably not the end then?
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Oh, God, all right, it's not the end at all.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27It's been going on for a year all ready, hasn't it?
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Yes, he had to resign, he was Chief Whip,
0:12:29 > 0:12:32for supposedly calling a policeman a pleb.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34But then it turned out that the version -
0:12:34 > 0:12:35the events - which the police gave
0:12:35 > 0:12:38wasn't strictly true in the police log.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42Bit like Hillsborough, it wasn't actually a record of events,
0:12:42 > 0:12:48more a sort of fantasy...of what they would like to have happened.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52But finally, it's all coming out and a lot of policemen will end up...
0:12:52 > 0:12:57either being arrested or being forced to apologise.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Well, according to the Guardian, the phrase that Mitchell
0:12:59 > 0:13:01consistently denied using was this...
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Although the Mail said it was this...
0:13:07 > 0:13:08No idea what that could be!
0:13:08 > 0:13:10He said he didn't say it.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12And then the policeman came out and said,
0:13:12 > 0:13:14"he won't answer the question."
0:13:14 > 0:13:17But he had a tape going in which he said, "I admit I swore, and I'm sorry about that."
0:13:17 > 0:13:19He was wearing a wire!
0:13:19 > 0:13:22And the Feds didn't realise! He turned the tables against them!
0:13:22 > 0:13:26Well, how long did the original incident actually last?
0:13:26 > 0:13:2845 seconds. 45 seconds and so far it's cost...?
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Quarter of a million pounds... Yes, it has. ..to investigate.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Could we get the Chinese to pay for that?
0:13:35 > 0:13:39160 million people in China watched it on YouTube.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42But they must REALLY not have liked him,
0:13:42 > 0:13:45there must have been a build-up of animosity towards him.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Yeah, do you think he'd ridden up to the gates most days and said,
0:13:48 > 0:13:49"Open it!" Yeah.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55It's open, come on!
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Bike here, eco!
0:14:02 > 0:14:04You know, it's a terrible dilemma,
0:14:04 > 0:14:07do you believe a Tory member of the Cabinet, or a policeman?
0:14:07 > 0:14:11You know, the public's got a real problem here.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14A police whistle blower has actually come forward.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17They're all whistle blowers!
0:14:17 > 0:14:21Eh? They're all whistle blowers. They all blow whistles.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23I don't think they do any more!
0:14:23 > 0:14:26OK, logically, it doesn't work. Not since the advent of mobile phone.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29When this show began you could have done that joke.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32I don't mean today. I mean 20 years ago.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35I felt tense because you went very quiet, and I thought, "Oh, I've
0:14:35 > 0:14:37"cut across a friend of Tom Cruise's."
0:14:37 > 0:14:41LAUGHTER
0:14:42 > 0:14:46A whistle blower has come forward with the result of a plot to get
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Mitchell and he says that Mitchell had a row at the gates
0:14:49 > 0:14:53the previous evening as well, after which one of the officers said...
0:14:56 > 0:15:02I love the idea that they actually said it like you would in the Beano!
0:15:02 > 0:15:04In other news, which major international figure
0:15:04 > 0:15:07fell foul of the law in a Westminster street this week?
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Oh, yes, Hillary Clinton.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12It was her car that was parked, illegally or something.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14There was a picture in one of the papers, I think.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Her car's surrounded by SAS men, or whatever they're called -
0:15:16 > 0:15:21SS men, Secret Service. CIA, FBI...
0:15:21 > 0:15:23All that lot and they were standing around remonstrating
0:15:23 > 0:15:26with this public servant who refused to tear up the ticket.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27Absolutely right.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29A spokesman for Westminster Council told the Telegraph...
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Slight whiff of the PR department there, I think.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Any other apps or anything you want to plug?
0:15:46 > 0:15:50Immediately I'm thinking Filipino women! Course you are!
0:15:50 > 0:15:54I'm just thinking about that dinner party with Tom Cruise.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Any other questions?
0:15:56 > 0:16:00Are you sure you weren't watching the television?
0:16:00 > 0:16:01I might have been!
0:16:01 > 0:16:05I think I was watching The Graham Norton Show.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Finally, would anyone like to see Labour MP Diane Abbot
0:16:07 > 0:16:11neatly deflect a question from Andrew Neil this week? ALL: Yes!
0:16:11 > 0:16:13So why did Ed Miliband fire you?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Good afternoon.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22In that picture there, it looks like the vase behind her
0:16:22 > 0:16:24is pulling a sad face at her resignation.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Yes, this is the return of Plebgate.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Andrew Mitchell attempted to draw a line under the scandal a year ago.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32According to the Mail, last October...
0:16:35 > 0:16:37I think we all know how that meeting started.
0:16:37 > 0:16:38"'Allo, 'allo, 'allo..."
0:16:41 > 0:16:44I mean, come on, I'm hitting it out the park here.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Meanwhile, this week, a man has bee fined ?100
0:16:50 > 0:16:52after hiding in a wardrobe during a police raid.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54He nearly got off on a technicality
0:16:54 > 0:16:56as the police hadn't finished counting to 20.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02And so to round two and it's the Picture Spin Quiz.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Fingers on buzzers please, teams.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10BUZZER
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Man discovered inside loaf of bread.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Putting bread in your ears makes you deaf.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Is it a sport question?
0:17:19 > 0:17:20Sports? Go on.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Do you know that it's something to do with sport?
0:17:24 > 0:17:28No, I just assumed it was something I didn't know.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32This isn't these hybrid things like cronuts and...
0:17:32 > 0:17:34I've been reading about. "Cronuts"?
0:17:34 > 0:17:37It's like a croissant mixed with a doughnut.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Ah. This would be a maguette - a man mixed with a baguette.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43That's very good.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46A man must have gone into hospital, he had a headache for 15 years.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48He didn't know what it was, they opened him up
0:17:48 > 0:17:51and found bread inside his brains. It's one of those stories, isn't it?
0:17:51 > 0:17:52A man with a piece of bread in his head.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Well, it's approaching that if you went back to the 17th century.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57HAL: Is it something sexual?
0:17:58 > 0:18:01GABBY: Did they used to put bread in peoples' heads
0:18:01 > 0:18:04in the 17th century when they had really bad migraines?
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Yeah, and if it grew into a loaf, you were a witch.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09You're inching closer.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12This is the discovery of a remarkable medical textbook
0:18:12 > 0:18:15by 17th century royal physician Dr William Sermon.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Do we know how he cured earache? They put bread in your ear.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Yeah, how did Dr Sermon suggest people cured toothache?
0:18:21 > 0:18:25"Rub the infected tooth against the backside of a fox in the moonlight.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29"While whistling Londonderry Air backwards."
0:18:30 > 0:18:32That was if you couldn't get an erection. Oh(!)
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Any other ideas for a toothache?
0:18:36 > 0:18:39You-you spread something on it...
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Yes, what? Rancid something.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42OK, I'm interested. Poo or something.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Oh, come on.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47We're having a lovely time with the moonlit fox, it was beautiful.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Then it's you lowering it again.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52I thought it was going to be something like that. Is it aspirin?
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Yeah, it was "Take aspirin and see a proper doctor."
0:18:57 > 0:19:00It was "Rub watercress into the gums."
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06BUZZER
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Is it anything to do with the fact that people
0:19:08 > 0:19:11who work for the American government have this week gone back to work?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13It's exactly that, well done, yes.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15American hasn't closed down?
0:19:15 > 0:19:16There was a possibility the whole country
0:19:16 > 0:19:18was just going to pack it in.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Just give up completely and say, "No, we can't do it."
0:19:21 > 0:19:25Now, I don't know what's been going on in America...
0:19:25 > 0:19:29Is that why everybody was free to play pool because no-one was working?
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Was he there? Was Barack there as well?
0:19:31 > 0:19:33No, he's on the phone saying, "No, Tom, I can't come."
0:19:33 > 0:19:36"Stephen Merchant? Never heard of him." I bet he said.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42So, yeah, so what exactly was happening in America
0:19:42 > 0:19:44that is now not happening any more?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Well, the Republicans weren't agreeing a deal
0:19:46 > 0:19:47on paying back the debt. Right.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50It got nearer and nearer the deadline and they thought Obama
0:19:50 > 0:19:53would cave in and say, "I'll forget my healthcare plan."
0:19:53 > 0:19:54But he didn't.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57He just said, "No, we either fall over the cliff together
0:19:57 > 0:20:00"and the world goes with us, or we come to an agreement."
0:20:00 > 0:20:01And they came to an agreement.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03So it's an absolutely extraordinary story
0:20:03 > 0:20:05about common sense breaking out.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Even amongst the Tea Party.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10You know, which is quite big news.
0:20:10 > 0:20:15How long is America now open for, now that they've reopened? 24 hours.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18January. It's called "the Fiscal Cliff".
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Which is a wonderful term.
0:20:20 > 0:20:21When you go off the Fiscal Cliff,
0:20:21 > 0:20:24do you hit Bankruptcy Beach at the bottom?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Financial tide moves away.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Who was letting them extend their overdraft the whole time?
0:20:31 > 0:20:33The Chinese own most of the bonds.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37And there's a debt of something like...a zillion gillion.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41That's a technical term, you'll follow me...
0:20:41 > 0:20:43The Chinese own most of it.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46But can all of us get an account with the Chinese?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49There's a firm called Wonga.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Does anyone know how high the debt ceiling actually was
0:20:54 > 0:20:55before the deal kicked in?
0:20:55 > 0:20:57It's 16,000 billion, I think. That's right.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Ah, same thing.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04The papers helpfully explained that as being...
0:21:06 > 0:21:08That's good, cos normally they explain everything
0:21:08 > 0:21:11in football pitches, don't they?
0:21:11 > 0:21:14How many football pitches is that? Everything in size in this county
0:21:14 > 0:21:16is explained in football pitches, have you noticed that?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19No wonder I've got no spatial awareness.
0:21:19 > 0:21:24I'd prefer it if it was basketball courts, personally. I just...
0:21:24 > 0:21:28Did you shoot some hoops? Course I shot some hoops - 6'7", sweetheart.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32No, honestly, I can't play basketball
0:21:32 > 0:21:35but I genuinely love going to basketball games
0:21:35 > 0:21:39cos they're so tall I feel like I'm among my people.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41My youngest daughter is ginger and I have the same feeling
0:21:41 > 0:21:44when we go to Scotland, it's like, her people.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49You'll offend anyone, won't you?
0:21:49 > 0:21:53No, that's not strictly offensive. They're the most ginger country in the world.
0:21:53 > 0:21:54Are they?
0:21:54 > 0:21:58There are more ginger people in Scotland per head than any other nation in the world.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02So there is nothing offensive in that. The "per head" is gratuitous.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04They're very rare now, ginger people.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Yeah, I have one.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16We were talking about the debt issue.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Who was the big winner in all of this?
0:22:19 > 0:22:23Did someone bet against the government coming to an agreement?
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Did Ray Winstone take a bit of a punt?
0:22:26 > 0:22:30It was actually the Washington DC pizza industry.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33They made a few bob
0:22:33 > 0:22:35because, as negotiations were going on,
0:22:35 > 0:22:36we saw images like this.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41That was just for Governor Chris Christie.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Here he is with President Obama.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48"Don't worry, mate, they're on their way."
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Where has this left the Republican party?
0:22:52 > 0:22:53In disarray.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56The Republicans are coming out of it badly. Absolutely right.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58According to the Times, the Republican party's approval rating
0:22:58 > 0:23:00has dipped to...
0:23:02 > 0:23:04So they shut down the government,
0:23:04 > 0:23:07they almost brought the world economy to its knees,
0:23:07 > 0:23:09but they're still more popular than the Lib Dems.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Yeah, this is the news that the US has reopened for business.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17The US shutdown was descried by one commentator as...
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Bit of a slap in the face for Al-Qaeda.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Fingers on buzzers, teams, for the next one.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32BUZZER
0:23:32 > 0:23:36Have they shut the Humber Bridge to stop people going to Hull?
0:23:36 > 0:23:39To stop people going to Hull? Yeah.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42They don't want any more tourists, they've got enough.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Maybe they're trying a new slogan -
0:23:44 > 0:23:47"Hull, one letter different from hell."
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Could be it, couldn't it?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51You're in the right neighbourhood, both of you.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54John Prescott's from Hull. Or was MP for Hull. Yeah.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57That's why they should just close Hull? Yes.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59He's not an MP any more, is he? Other than...
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Member of the House of Lords. Oh, right.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03He's a Lord in Hull as well, isn't he?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Is he the Lord of Hull? Well, I don't know.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07"I am the Lord of Hull!"
0:24:08 > 0:24:11It is to do with Hull but it's actually The Economist magazine.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14They have a very specific view on Hull.
0:24:14 > 0:24:15It should be shut down?
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Absolutely right, yes,
0:24:17 > 0:24:20The Economist magazine thinks that the city should be closed down
0:24:20 > 0:24:23along with Burnley, Middlesbrough, and Hartlepool.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Closed down?
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Why? The Economist described any efforts
0:24:28 > 0:24:31to save struggling northern communities as...
0:24:34 > 0:24:37You lived in Leeds, didn't you? I was born in Leeds.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Should they close that down? Leeds is doing very well.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Have you heard of Leeds, Ian? Yes!
0:24:41 > 0:24:44There's a football team in Leeds, isn't there?
0:24:44 > 0:24:45There is - Leeds United.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47You see? Local knowledge.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Paul, any view on Leeds?
0:24:51 > 0:24:52So good they named it once?
0:24:54 > 0:24:58Yes, this is The Economist magazine's plan to shut Hull.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Grim, dull and uninspiring...
0:25:00 > 0:25:02The Economist comes out every week.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15BUZZER
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Paul? Useless watch is marketed.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Is this a smart watch?
0:25:21 > 0:25:23In some ways.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Ah, this is about life expectancy.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27It measures your health, that's what it's got to be.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Wait, I don't know the rules. They buzzed but you started answering.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Ian's a ventriloquist.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36I'll watch him for the answer.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40"Time remaining - 63 years" that's the clue.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Making your blood pressure...
0:25:42 > 0:25:45It measures your breath or something. It's something...
0:25:45 > 0:25:48You have that on and it tells you you've got 63 years left.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50So you're not normally worried at that point
0:25:50 > 0:25:52but when it gets to six minutes and 34 seconds...
0:25:52 > 0:25:55then you start looking for quality time.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57You're absolutely right, that's exactly what it is, yeah.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Don't people get hit by cars?
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Wouldn't they get a refund?
0:26:02 > 0:26:05What, looking at the watch? You go, "I was...Oh!"
0:26:05 > 0:26:07You know the amazing thing about this?
0:26:07 > 0:26:10This is not a joke, this is serious. My associate, Karl Pilkington,
0:26:10 > 0:26:13genuinely came up with this idea about three or four years ago.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Really? And he's a moron.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Yeah, the watch does work, as you say, by calculating your death date
0:26:20 > 0:26:23by taking into account the various stress factors
0:26:23 > 0:26:25that could hasten your death like smoking, drinking,
0:26:25 > 0:26:28and wearing a watch that constantly reminds you you're about to die.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32And you probably lie to your own watch.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34The watch says, "How many units?" You go, "Hardly any.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37"Two, three. Maybe, you know...
0:26:37 > 0:26:40"a glass with Downton."
0:26:40 > 0:26:43I'd adjust that number with the little switch on the side,
0:26:43 > 0:26:45put it up to another 20 - 83 years.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46That would be the thing to do.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Can you image Bruce Forsyth's watch?
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Technically it's a sundial.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55I do hope that Rolex makes this watch.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00And if they don't, I love them anyway.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Filipino woman can shorten your life, I tell you.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07APPLAUSE
0:27:09 > 0:27:10Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14BUZZER
0:27:14 > 0:27:19This is the new motto for the Fukushima nuclear power plant,
0:27:19 > 0:27:21which had a meltdown last year.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25And, unbelievably, I don't know if I can actually say this live,
0:27:25 > 0:27:28but this character, because it's Fukushima, is known as Fukuppy.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Amazingly, you're almost exactly right.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41It's the mascot of Fukushima Industries,
0:27:41 > 0:27:43which makes commercial freezers.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Is anyone interested in seeing the mascot
0:27:45 > 0:27:47of the Fukushima nuclear power plant?
0:27:47 > 0:27:49They do have a mascot, here it is.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Can you show the original one again?
0:27:58 > 0:28:00It looks like Ross Kemp.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Do you remember? It does!
0:28:04 > 0:28:08Talking of Japanese mascots, who do you think this is?
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Is that an aubergine on his head? Yeah. It is?
0:28:11 > 0:28:13I couldn't confirm or deny it.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15GABBY: They are going to host...
0:28:15 > 0:28:18Did they not get the Olympics, didn't they, in 2020?
0:28:18 > 0:28:20You may be right, you know all about "spoirts."
0:28:20 > 0:28:22As we say in California.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25It sounded a lot more like Devon.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35He's actually a mascot for a Japanese prison.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38LAUGHTER
0:28:38 > 0:28:40What does he do? What's his job?
0:28:40 > 0:28:42I don't know. He says, "My name's Banguppy.
0:28:42 > 0:28:45"Welcome to prison."
0:28:45 > 0:28:49This is Fukuppy, the mascot for a Japanese refrigeration company.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52It really is a schoolboy error for a company
0:28:52 > 0:28:55to leave the name of its fridges open to such puerile jokes,
0:28:55 > 0:28:57said the managing director of Smeg.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00LAUGHTER
0:29:00 > 0:29:05Time now for the Odd One Out round. Paul and Hal, your four are,
0:29:05 > 0:29:08Cambridge, the pharaoh Ramesses II,
0:29:08 > 0:29:10Princess Michael of Kent
0:29:10 > 0:29:13and the Environment Minister Owen Paterson.
0:29:13 > 0:29:14I don't know, any thoughts on this?
0:29:14 > 0:29:17Um...I haven't a clue.
0:29:17 > 0:29:19It's not anything to do with...
0:29:19 > 0:29:22mummification? But no, it can't be.
0:29:22 > 0:29:24Expand, I'm interested to know what you're thinking.
0:29:24 > 0:29:27Princess Michael's still alive, isn't she? Yes.
0:29:27 > 0:29:30Yeah, um... LAUGHTER
0:29:30 > 0:29:33Everything else has been mummified, including Cambridge.
0:29:33 > 0:29:35GABBY: Anything to do with counties?
0:29:35 > 0:29:39Owen Paterson is trying to kill badgers in Gloucestershire.
0:29:39 > 0:29:41Princess Michael of Kent... Right.
0:29:41 > 0:29:43Cambridge... Yes. ..shire.
0:29:43 > 0:29:47Yes. You were onto something when you mentioned badgers.
0:29:47 > 0:29:50Owen Paterson looks like a badger with that hair...
0:29:50 > 0:29:52GABBY: OK...
0:29:52 > 0:29:56Princess Michael of Kent is the man in the Badger Watch line.
0:29:56 > 0:30:00This is a whole bunch of badgers that are causing trouble.
0:30:00 > 0:30:01Right? But not in Egypt.
0:30:01 > 0:30:05But...but...but... No, that was a plague of locusts.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08OK, plague of locusts, plague of... Oh, plague.
0:30:08 > 0:30:11Plagues. All right, come on. So she's got a plague of something.
0:30:11 > 0:30:14Oh, she has. He's got a plague of badgers.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16Cambridge has a plague of undergraduates.
0:30:16 > 0:30:18HAL: Everybody has a plague.
0:30:18 > 0:30:22No, Cambridge hasn't. Apart from Paterson who is a plague.
0:30:22 > 0:30:23Well done, well done!
0:30:23 > 0:30:25Yes, yes.
0:30:26 > 0:30:29Congratulations. It's actually they've been plagued by frogs.
0:30:29 > 0:30:33Except Environment Minister Owen Paterson who was plagued by badgers.
0:30:33 > 0:30:35You mentioned Princess Michael of Kent.
0:30:35 > 0:30:36According to the Sunday Times,
0:30:36 > 0:30:39to try and get across the idea that she is short of money these days,
0:30:39 > 0:30:41she has to deal with everyday problems like everyone else.
0:30:41 > 0:30:44For example, recently, her house was infested with frogs.
0:30:44 > 0:30:47Her house, of course, being Kensington Palace.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50This was not French people. This was...
0:30:50 > 0:30:52Sorry, I can't stop!
0:30:52 > 0:30:56There's space going as head of the EDL, isn't there?
0:30:59 > 0:31:04Sorry, that is the voice of the EDL, "Hello!
0:31:04 > 0:31:05"Ooh, Islam!"
0:31:08 > 0:31:09Sorry, do you know what? Apologies.
0:31:09 > 0:31:11I have been out of the country too long
0:31:11 > 0:31:16because every time you said "EDL," I kept thinking of EDF. Oh, right.
0:31:16 > 0:31:20Let's make a recording of this for people, the racist bits.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22You know they are making a recording of this?
0:31:22 > 0:31:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:31:29 > 0:31:31What does Princess Michael claim to have done only once
0:31:31 > 0:31:34since she got married?
0:31:34 > 0:31:36She's had two children, hasn't she? Right.
0:31:36 > 0:31:38Twins.
0:31:41 > 0:31:44Been to the high street once. Well done, absolutely right.
0:31:44 > 0:31:46Yes, she said...
0:31:47 > 0:31:51Obviously, Ramesses II, do we know what he suffered a plague of?
0:31:51 > 0:31:55GABBY: Is it rats? I've given it away, it was actually frogs.
0:31:55 > 0:31:56What about Cambridge?
0:31:56 > 0:31:59You may have missed this story in the Cambridge News.
0:31:59 > 0:32:01There was a man on his boat in Cambridge,
0:32:01 > 0:32:03Alisdhair Currie-Crawford,
0:32:03 > 0:32:06who suddenly noticed a lot of frogs all over the place.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08Here he is. He said...
0:32:19 > 0:32:22It happened, this incident, on 23rd July earlier in the year.
0:32:22 > 0:32:24According to the Cambridge News...
0:32:35 > 0:32:36No, they didn't.
0:32:38 > 0:32:42Yeah, they've all been plagued by frogs apart from Owen Paterson.
0:32:42 > 0:32:45In an article in the Sunday Times, Princess Michael of Kent
0:32:45 > 0:32:47talks about being told she had to...
0:32:47 > 0:32:48adding...
0:32:50 > 0:32:51That's only because when she goes out,
0:32:51 > 0:32:53she thinks people are calling her
0:32:53 > 0:32:54"that posh Kent".
0:32:57 > 0:32:59Ian and Gabby, here are yours.
0:32:59 > 0:33:03Nigel Mansell's wallet, Sundance the dog, Vicky Pryce's handbag
0:33:03 > 0:33:05and a German pensioner's bank account.
0:33:05 > 0:33:09Vicky Pryce's handbag, when she went into jail, there was
0:33:09 > 0:33:11a lot of cash in it.
0:33:11 > 0:33:13She didn't realise how much cash she had in.
0:33:13 > 0:33:15No, not a clue. She is an economist, why would she know?
0:33:15 > 0:33:18It was over ?1,000. Was it? Yes.
0:33:18 > 0:33:20So that bag was full of money,
0:33:20 > 0:33:23so I am guessing the German pensioner went to
0:33:23 > 0:33:27get his account and there was nothing in it...or lots in it.
0:33:27 > 0:33:33Nigel Mansell is... Was an ex-racing driver. Absolutely.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36You genuinely didn't know that. He is now, isn't he...
0:33:36 > 0:33:40A little bit of magic circle action for Nigel Mansell. OK.
0:33:40 > 0:33:43Logan is onto something here. He can disappear stuff from his wallet?
0:33:43 > 0:33:49Yes, he can. It is not the most unusual job transfer for a sportsman.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52George Weah, footballer, went to be the president of Liberia.
0:33:52 > 0:33:55That was a HUGE change.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58Huge change. Didn't get it. He didn't get it? No.
0:33:58 > 0:34:01Does that mean we have got Rooney as Prime Minister coming?
0:34:01 > 0:34:02What about the dog then?
0:34:02 > 0:34:05He has a cheque in his mouth, so he has money. Yes.
0:34:05 > 0:34:07So my theory, these three -
0:34:07 > 0:34:11Vicky, the German pensioner in his lederhosen and this dog - have
0:34:11 > 0:34:14all got money, and that Nigel Mansell makes it disappear.
0:34:14 > 0:34:18That is a terrifically good answer. Round of applause for Gabby Logan.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21APPLAUSE Absolutely right.
0:34:22 > 0:34:25They all contained a surprising amount of money,
0:34:25 > 0:34:27apart from Nigel Mansell's wallet.
0:34:27 > 0:34:30And nobody was surprised by how much money it contained,
0:34:30 > 0:34:34but Princess Anne was surprised when it self-combusted in front of her.
0:34:34 > 0:34:37Do we know how Her Royal Highness reacted to Nigel's
0:34:37 > 0:34:40spontaneous combustion trick? She said, "It is still your round."
0:34:42 > 0:34:44Oh, she has a dog that attacks people.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49Princess Anne got done for her dog attacking someone,
0:34:49 > 0:34:51and attacked a corgi as well, I think.
0:34:51 > 0:34:56Your answer is that she set her dog on Nigel Mansell? Kill! Fire!
0:34:56 > 0:34:58Apparently, according to a guest...
0:35:02 > 0:35:06Because her eyebrows were on fire. She is my favourite Royal.
0:35:06 > 0:35:08You don't like Phil with his gaffes? Yeah.
0:35:08 > 0:35:11I don't know if I should say this or not. My husband is dyslexic
0:35:11 > 0:35:14and when we were at something to do with the Prince's Trust or
0:35:14 > 0:35:17Duke of Edinburgh Award, we met him and he said to my husband,
0:35:17 > 0:35:19"Have you still got that brain disease?"
0:35:22 > 0:35:24It's nice that he remembered in a way.
0:35:24 > 0:35:28It is. Kenny didn't know quite how to act.
0:35:28 > 0:35:31He just started laughing, which made him look inane really.
0:35:31 > 0:35:33He didn't say, "Have you?"
0:35:34 > 0:35:36Can you make jokes about dyslexics now?
0:35:36 > 0:35:38Is that OK? I don't know what the rules are any more.
0:35:38 > 0:35:42I think you can because dyslexia is almost becoming a positive thing,
0:35:42 > 0:35:45because very creative people are often dyslexic. So...
0:35:45 > 0:35:48even though he was a rugby player, so obviously not...
0:35:48 > 0:35:51Well, maybe creative in other ways.
0:35:54 > 0:35:57Is the dog famous then? I have never heard of this dog. Sundance the dog?
0:35:57 > 0:36:02It ate five $100 bills belonging to its owner, Wayne Klinkel,
0:36:02 > 0:36:06who was later given a cheque for the amount from the US Treasury
0:36:06 > 0:36:08after posting them, the fragmented notes,
0:36:08 > 0:36:11which he'd returned, the dog, in the usual manner.
0:36:11 > 0:36:15Exactly. And is he going to do something about his eyes now?
0:36:15 > 0:36:20I thought he had lost an eye and that was a damages cheque. Claims Direct.
0:36:20 > 0:36:22"Have you been injured chasing a stick?"
0:36:26 > 0:36:28"Has a cat made false accusations against you?"
0:36:30 > 0:36:32And the German pensioner's bank account,
0:36:32 > 0:36:35according to the Telegraph, the cashier had intended to...
0:36:38 > 0:36:43but fell asleep with his finger on the keyboard and...
0:36:46 > 0:36:49Luckily the error was spotted by a colleague
0:36:49 > 0:36:51and the transfer was reversed.
0:36:51 > 0:36:55222 million euros? That is the whole of Greece.
0:36:55 > 0:36:59Time now for the Missing Words round, which this week features
0:36:59 > 0:37:02as its guest publication Bonsai Focus.
0:37:02 > 0:37:05Dedicated to the art of cultivating tiny Japanese trees.
0:37:05 > 0:37:09Bonsai Focus, by the way, has a mascot called Growthefuckuppy.
0:37:12 > 0:37:15And we start with...
0:37:19 > 0:37:22Used to water very small trees.
0:37:22 > 0:37:26HAL: Is pure alcohol.
0:37:26 > 0:37:28I am going to give that to you.
0:37:34 > 0:37:36Yes. AUDIENCE GROANS
0:37:36 > 0:37:39Urgh! According to The Mail...
0:37:43 > 0:37:45Or if you are watching this on Dave,
0:37:45 > 0:37:48the late members of the Experimental Food Society. Next...
0:37:50 > 0:37:52HAL: Tiny plans for a tree house.
0:37:54 > 0:37:58Body part. It's a body part, it's definitely a body part.
0:37:58 > 0:38:00Kidney. Gall bladder.
0:38:00 > 0:38:03It's bladder, well done. Print your own bladder. Well done.
0:38:03 > 0:38:09Yeah. No, it took two decades for scientists to develop a 3-D printer
0:38:09 > 0:38:10that could create body parts.
0:38:10 > 0:38:13It's going to take the first customer two minutes
0:38:13 > 0:38:16before he starts printing a pair of boobs.
0:38:16 > 0:38:17Next...
0:38:19 > 0:38:22GABBY: Stop me going to BT Sport.
0:38:22 > 0:38:23GASPS AND LAUGHTER
0:38:23 > 0:38:26That's obviously a complete lie!
0:38:27 > 0:38:29It sounded like a pitch to me.
0:38:31 > 0:38:34HAL: Is it to lure Noel Edmonds back? GABBY: Where's he gone?
0:38:34 > 0:38:37Where's he gone? Deal Or No Deal!
0:38:37 > 0:38:39Is he there, that's it, he can't leave?
0:38:39 > 0:38:41Yeah, he lives in a little box.
0:38:43 > 0:38:46He has a whale of a time. Sometimes he's in number 9,
0:38:46 > 0:38:48sometimes he's in number 15.
0:38:48 > 0:38:51They're bringing back The Clangers, so it could be that.
0:38:51 > 0:38:53Bring back The Clangers. Oh, no!
0:38:53 > 0:38:56APPLAUSE
0:38:57 > 0:38:58Next...
0:39:02 > 0:39:04It's got to be bonsai, hasn't it? GABBY: Oak.
0:39:04 > 0:39:08HAL: He analyses Reginald's tree and finds it isn't bonsai,
0:39:08 > 0:39:12it is just very far away. No, it was bonsai.
0:39:15 > 0:39:20Here is Peter Adams in Bonsai Focus. That is his actual size, obviously.
0:39:20 > 0:39:23Several celebrities own bonsai trees, such as Ronnie Corbett.
0:39:23 > 0:39:24He likes a bit of shade.
0:39:27 > 0:39:29Does Tom Cruise have a bonsai as well?
0:39:29 > 0:39:32Hey, don't slag Tom off, all right? It was just a normal sized tree...
0:39:32 > 0:39:35Leave him alone! He has suffered enough.
0:39:35 > 0:39:37Did you go and see him because you are going to have a
0:39:37 > 0:39:40remake of Twins, the Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger film?
0:39:45 > 0:39:48HAL: You should remake all of Arnie's films actually.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51GABBY: You have been well and truly rumbled there. The Terminator!
0:39:51 > 0:39:53I'll be back, I'm telling you that!
0:39:53 > 0:39:55I'll be back. I'll bloody be back!
0:39:55 > 0:39:56I tell you that, I'll be back.
0:39:56 > 0:40:00In Commando, "Watch it, lads. "Someone is going to get hurt."
0:40:00 > 0:40:02Is there any other impressions you do, other than me?
0:40:02 > 0:40:04I do Tony Blair but then I sound like him anyway.
0:40:07 > 0:40:10Offend someone in Tony Blair's voice. Erm...you know...
0:40:12 > 0:40:14That is it, I'm offended.
0:40:14 > 0:40:16And finally...
0:40:18 > 0:40:20Top of Mrs Kobayashi.
0:40:20 > 0:40:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:25 > 0:40:29On top of the world, looking down at a very small creation.
0:40:29 > 0:40:31Um, it's actually...
0:40:34 > 0:40:36Oh! There you are.
0:40:36 > 0:40:38So, the final scores are...
0:40:38 > 0:40:41Paul and Hal have an epic 5.
0:40:41 > 0:40:44Ian and Gabby triumphant with 11.
0:40:44 > 0:40:47APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:40:51 > 0:40:53On which note we say thank you to our panellists
0:40:53 > 0:40:54Ian Hislop and Gabby Logan,
0:40:54 > 0:40:56Paul Merton and Hal Cruttenden.
0:40:56 > 0:40:58I leave you with news that at a film premiere in London,
0:40:58 > 0:40:59Tom Hanks finally meets the man
0:40:59 > 0:41:02who inspired the character of Forrest Gump.
0:41:08 > 0:41:10As the Miss China contest ends in a draw,
0:41:10 > 0:41:13the judge announces it'll all come down to the tie break round.
0:41:16 > 0:41:19And there's more shocked reactions to Cheryl Cole's arse tattoo,
0:41:19 > 0:41:22as she's spotted sunbathing naked in her garden.
0:41:25 > 0:41:27Good night.
0:41:47 > 0:41:50Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd