0:00:06 > 0:00:11This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43I'm Jo Brand.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46In the news this week, backstage at Strictly Come Dancing,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Bruce Forsyth's family watch him finally get to the end
0:00:49 > 0:00:51of an autocue link.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00At a council meeting in Stoke, there's a surprising result
0:01:00 > 0:01:03when a motion is tabled to abolish Stoke.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12And in Moscow, another dissident is offered a chance to sit down
0:01:12 > 0:01:16for a few minutes and reconsider his opposition to Vladimir Putin.
0:01:22 > 0:01:27On Ian's team tonight is a former MP and European Monopoly champion,
0:01:27 > 0:01:30of whom it's been said that if he hadn't spent so much time
0:01:30 > 0:01:33and energy pursuing such trivialities,
0:01:33 > 0:01:38he could truly have been one of history's great Monopoly players.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Please welcome Gyles Brandreth.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44APPLAUSE
0:01:44 > 0:01:48And with Paul tonight is the former Deputy Prime Minister,
0:01:48 > 0:01:52who was the third most famous face in the Blair government...
0:01:52 > 0:01:55after both of Tony Blair's.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Please welcome John Prescott.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01APPLAUSE
0:02:01 > 0:02:04And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Paul and John, take a look at this.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Ah, yes, that's a representation of a baby.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11There's another baby, there we are.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13The world's full of them, apparently.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17One of the papers claimed that there was a lookalike.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19There's the Archbishop of Canterbury with his special friend.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21That was the Bishop of London.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23With a nice brooch on.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27It's a stained-glass window, isn't it?
0:02:27 > 0:02:30This is the baby, baby George has been christened.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Yes, but there was another picture you referred to
0:02:32 > 0:02:34where they're all in the bath together.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38I thought, "Unusual!" That's not real though.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40I believe so. Wasn't in your paper though, was it?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43No, no, because it wasn't real. Oh!
0:02:44 > 0:02:48I don't understand, who was in the bath? It was a photomontage.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51There's a photographer who specialises in creating
0:02:51 > 0:02:55amusing scenes, and she made a photograph of William
0:02:55 > 0:02:58and Catherine in the bath with the baby and lots of bubbles,
0:02:58 > 0:03:00and a lot of papers ran it on the front page.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03And John said to Pauline, "Oh, look! Isn't this lovely?
0:03:03 > 0:03:07"Catherine and William in the bath with the baby." And they believed it.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11I believed it, she didn't. No, Pauline didn't.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13We've always relied on Pauline.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Can we claim some points by actually telling what this is all about?
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Yes, go on then. This is the christening of gorgeous George,
0:03:21 > 0:03:24the heir apparent but one to the throne of this country.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28Gorgeous George, the lovely austerity baby. But two, isn't it?
0:03:28 > 0:03:32But two, but one, we don't know. We don't know yet what could happen.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Isn't there Charles and then William?
0:03:35 > 0:03:39There's Charles, there's William, then there's George. So he's third.
0:03:39 > 0:03:40Who's counting?
0:03:41 > 0:03:43They are, because he's George VI.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47This is an eventual heir to the throne called George.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Named after the Chancellor of the Exchequer,
0:03:50 > 0:03:53it's a lovely gesture to the austerity.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55They looked around the Cabinet table and thought,
0:03:55 > 0:03:58"We've got to actually keep in, be at the cutting edge.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01"Eric Pickles? Do we want to call the baby Eric?
0:04:01 > 0:04:02"Not chubby enough.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04"Theresa May, quite popular,
0:04:04 > 0:04:07"but is the baby going to be a cross-dresser?"
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Judging by the picture, possibly!
0:04:12 > 0:04:15If you start out in a frock, where do you end? Where do you end?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17You end up an archbishop!
0:04:19 > 0:04:22APPLAUSE
0:04:22 > 0:04:25I think the baby's gown was a gracious nod to Grayson Perry.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32That's why it was such a contemporary wedding. It wasn't a wedding, was it?
0:04:32 > 0:04:36They've already done that, or was that real? I'm not sure.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39I'll check with Pauline. But the point is...
0:04:42 > 0:04:45That's twice he's mentioned your wife now.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47As you'll discover, I am a bit obsessed.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52I know so much about her, 07772416...
0:04:54 > 0:04:59This is the baptism, the christening of young Prince George.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01We've said all this.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04What's this, a repeat? Why are we going around again?
0:05:04 > 0:05:09Do you know how many pages the Daily Mail devoted? 16, it's always 16.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12The Mail devoted 15 pages to the event,
0:05:12 > 0:05:14while The Independent published a special souvenir issue
0:05:14 > 0:05:16so readers could cut out and keep
0:05:16 > 0:05:19the bottom left-hand corner of page 27.
0:05:23 > 0:05:2615 pages but only seven godparents.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Most of them, in my view, useless.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30I should just say as well...
0:05:30 > 0:05:32How do you know? They've only been there for a day!
0:05:32 > 0:05:35No, because if you want... How good a godparent are you?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37You're probably not a very good godparent.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40Only because...
0:05:40 > 0:05:45Ian has a lot of problems with his own children, and...
0:05:45 > 0:05:46Can we vote you off?
0:05:48 > 0:05:51BUZZER
0:05:51 > 0:05:53APPLAUSE
0:05:55 > 0:05:58It was an important ceremony. I think the godparents on the whole
0:05:58 > 0:06:02were a mistake, because you don't actually want straight godparents.
0:06:02 > 0:06:07You want, on the whole, to have gay godparents, who will not have
0:06:07 > 0:06:09children and therefore they can love you...
0:06:09 > 0:06:11On Just A Minute, there's a limit.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16It's a minute and then it stops, but this is going on for ever.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18We need to have some mechanism in place. Can we have the points?
0:06:18 > 0:06:22Your answer is correct, but let me just tell you...
0:06:22 > 0:06:24APPLAUSE
0:06:24 > 0:06:26You only get one point for that,
0:06:26 > 0:06:29even though it was a 14-hour long answer.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31We were just warming up,
0:06:31 > 0:06:33there was so much to tell you about the godparents.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35That's what I feared.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Well, there's seven of them, let me tell you that.
0:06:38 > 0:06:43Wealthy, Toffy, Poshy, Snobby, Snooty, Lordy and Dreary.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46What can you tell me, do you know any of their names? I do.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Go on, then. I knew you would!
0:06:48 > 0:06:51I know all of their names, I know them all personally.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54The one I'm going to back as a good godparent is the youngest,
0:06:54 > 0:06:56the 22-year-old Earl Grosvenor,
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Hugh, who is a multi-billionaire.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01That's the kind of godparent you want!
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Who knows what the future of the royal family might be?
0:07:04 > 0:07:07These people have very sensibly got a godfather in there
0:07:07 > 0:07:10who actually can deliver what a godfather should!
0:07:10 > 0:07:11Money, protection, grrr!
0:07:16 > 0:07:18They were pretty posh, weren't they?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20There was Jamie Lowther-Pinkerton... 52.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Emilia Jardine-Paterson... 31.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25And then Zara Tindall. Ah!
0:07:25 > 0:07:27It's really coming to something
0:07:27 > 0:07:30when you need Zara Tindall to be the bit of rough, isn't it?
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Who hasn't got a double-barrelled name. I think it's unbelievable.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36She has got a tattoo. Do you know...
0:07:36 > 0:07:38LAUGHTER Where is it?
0:07:38 > 0:07:42There's only one thing I'd like to know about this...
0:07:46 > 0:07:48I can't wait!
0:07:48 > 0:07:51You're not allowed to ask questions, you're here to answer them.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54I think John may have the answer to this. Oh!
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Did you see the Archbishop wets the baby's head
0:07:58 > 0:08:00with water from the River Jordan?
0:08:00 > 0:08:03I did see that. A hell of a long hosepipe!
0:08:03 > 0:08:05It's brought to the font.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Now what I want to know is... I'll be here if you need me.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13This is a health and safety question. It certainly is.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16How long has this water been waiting to be used?
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Is it safe to use this water from the River Jordan?
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Do we know it's safe for this little baby to have this water
0:08:20 > 0:08:22splashed all over it?
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Has it been brought back from Jordan by Tony Blair?
0:08:24 > 0:08:26That's the question I really wanted to ask.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29On one of his trips, did he bring back the water from Jordan?
0:08:32 > 0:08:35I can't believe he's stopped, I'm sort of stunned.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37You do edit this programme, do you?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Yes! Oh, yes! Definitely!
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Neither of us will be in it tomorrow.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Well, one of you will be.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48It says there you've got the picture I mentioned, the lookalike.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Oh yes, so it does. Well let's have a look at it then.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51It's Queen Victoria?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Well, it's hardly surprising since she is the great, great, great,
0:08:54 > 0:08:58great grandmother. And most babies do look like Queen Victoria.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Or indeed me!
0:09:03 > 0:09:07Are you hinting that you're about to play Queen Victoria in a biopic?
0:09:07 > 0:09:08So there we go, good,
0:09:08 > 0:09:11nobody's got any more to say about the bloody christening.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Let's move on.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16This is indeed the royal christening of Prince George.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20According to reports, the christening cake is a tier
0:09:20 > 0:09:23taken from the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge's wedding cake.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26They've had a cake in the house for two years and not eaten it?
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Blimey, that's willpower!
0:09:29 > 0:09:32The Daily Express celebrated the occasion with
0:09:32 > 0:09:34an article on world christenings through the ages.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38Apparently Prince Philip was born on June 10th, 1921,
0:09:38 > 0:09:40at his parents' villa in Corfu...
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Coincidentally the same place where he was conceived.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Ian and Gyles, take a look at this.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53A nuclear power station, I think.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55And there he is, Daddy Wooden Top.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59A great Prime Minister. A wind farm.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03JOHN PRESCOTT: Another great Prime Minister.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Yes, John Major being goosed by a brunette.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11I imagine this is all about nuclear power,
0:10:11 > 0:10:14it's about the green energy agenda, it's about John Major stepping in,
0:10:14 > 0:10:19coming back from the shadows. The grey man has returned multi-coloured.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23What is weird about the price the Government have agreed to pay
0:10:23 > 0:10:26the French and the Chinese for supplying us with nuclear power?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29It's double the current price of energy,
0:10:29 > 0:10:32so they're giving them a fixed rate which is double what it is at the
0:10:32 > 0:10:36moment, which isn't a terrifically good deal in anyone's book.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Guaranteed for 30 years.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Guaranteed for 30 years, yes.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43There is an argument that the whole thing is the fault of the previous
0:10:43 > 0:10:45government who never commissioned anything
0:10:45 > 0:10:46and just sat on their hands for ten years,
0:10:46 > 0:10:50but I wouldn't bring that up in current company.
0:10:50 > 0:10:55We're in a position where we have to buy nuclear power stations
0:10:55 > 0:10:59from someone and our government has chosen to buy them from China.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02I mean, I suppose we could have bought them from Japan -
0:11:02 > 0:11:04that's been going well(!)
0:11:06 > 0:11:09And the consequence of this is we'll have fewer of those windmills.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11As you know this week we had the sad news of the passing
0:11:11 > 0:11:14of Noel Harrison, Windmills Of My Mind.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Coinciding with that...
0:11:17 > 0:11:20..the windmills across the nation have stood still.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24In tribute. In silent tribute. But they're not windmills. Hm?
0:11:24 > 0:11:26They're not windmills, they're turbines. Are they turbines?
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Yes, so the tribute unfortunately can't happen.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Unless the B-side was called Wind Turbines Of My Mind?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Yeah, it's the Government trying to play catch-up because Ed Miliband
0:11:37 > 0:11:40suggested there should be a price freeze and everyone said,
0:11:40 > 0:11:42"Oh, Red Ed, lefty idiot."
0:11:42 > 0:11:45And then people realised that this is quite popular
0:11:45 > 0:11:48and the big energy companies have been running a bit of a cartel.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53One for the lawyers. Erm.. And...
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Why do they make him live up there?
0:11:58 > 0:12:01What's intriguing is that John Major has intervened here
0:12:01 > 0:12:05and has come up with an alternative suggestion to the Government's.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08So he has come out of the shadows, and people are reassessing him.
0:12:08 > 0:12:13I've always admired him, and he looks so well. Always has done. Great man.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Good. Well, that's covered that, then.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23Since we're on the subject of John Major, people did notice that
0:12:23 > 0:12:25while he was attending this speech,
0:12:25 > 0:12:28he has become somewhat waspish in his old age.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30He said to Labour MP Nick Brown:
0:12:36 > 0:12:40He said that Iain Duncan-Smith might have trouble reforming welfare...
0:12:48 > 0:12:52Which minister is behind the initiative? Ed Davey.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55That's right, the Energy Minister. Shall we have a look at him?
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Looking a bit like Wayne Rooney.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04The Lib Dems...the one thing they said they came into office for
0:13:04 > 0:13:06was to get this green tax put on fuel,
0:13:06 > 0:13:09and now it's going to be removed.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12This is, of course, complete tosh. Yes. It is.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16I could explain why, but I don't think this is the moment.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Not being this close to Christmas.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26Do you know where David Cameron was when this announcement was made?
0:13:26 > 0:13:30He was actually at Hinkley Point power station in Somerset.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Can we fix it? No, we can't!
0:13:34 > 0:13:37He also announced that it was going to be 25,000 jobs,
0:13:37 > 0:13:42and David then came in and said it would only be 5,000 at its peak.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46And they're not even going to be British jobs, are they, necessarily?
0:13:46 > 0:13:50French or Chinese. Are you a fan of the Chinese? I am.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53You've got a few good Chineses near you, haven't you?
0:13:55 > 0:13:59Now, British Gas hoiked their prices by 9% last week.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Who copped some stick for upping their rates by 10% this week?
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Was that nPower? It was indeed.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09I must say, I really don't like that small letter, big letter thing.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12nPower, or... I thought they were a dubstep band.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Did a young person tell you to say that, Ian?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Did you tell him to say that?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22No, I don't know what he's on about!
0:14:22 > 0:14:25I think he's changed his medication.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28This was a week of rows over energy policy.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Over recent weeks, David Cameron's mantra has become:
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Presumably followed by Samantha saying,
0:14:35 > 0:14:37"I can't do it with the lights on."
0:14:40 > 0:14:43On the plus side for the Government, when the Hinkley Point power
0:14:43 > 0:14:47station in Somerset does blow up, at least it will kill all the badgers.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Paul and John, here's another for you.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Oh, cricket, obviously, black and white. The Pope.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Yes, that looks like the holy beach ball of Lords. What's that?
0:15:00 > 0:15:04Nuns, erm...at least one of them's a man, I can see from here.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07The Vatican's got its own cricket team? It has.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Do you know what they're called? The Angels? The Saints?
0:15:10 > 0:15:14The Pope's Cricket Team? The Vatican 11?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16They're called the St Peter's Cricket Club.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19And if you ask for an LBW decision,
0:15:19 > 0:15:22they'll deny you three times, apparently.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Yes! Get those references in!
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Sorry, Gyles. APPLAUSE
0:15:29 > 0:15:33What does the Pope think of it? Six-day matches but never seven.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37The Pope is really into football.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40He is indeed, as we can see from this photo.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Oh, bollocks, it's not coming. Let's move on.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Sorry!
0:15:45 > 0:15:48I'm being quite unprofessional tonight.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51It's hormones, everyone. It's not really.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55I haven't got any hormones in my body anymore, thank God.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59My husband's pleased. I haven't assaulted him for months.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Do you know what Father Theodore Mascarenhas,
0:16:03 > 0:16:05the Vatican Cricket Club president, had to say?
0:16:05 > 0:16:08By the way, to give you a clue, he's an Indian spin bowler,
0:16:08 > 0:16:10and he moves the ball in a mysterious way.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Sorry! Well, he said:
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Want to have a crack at that, Gyles?
0:16:22 > 0:16:25My Latin is terrible. For years, I thought "in loco parentis"
0:16:25 > 0:16:27meant, "my dad's an engine driver."
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Julius Caesar used to tell that one!
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Not many people want to play the Vatican. Some of the priests
0:16:38 > 0:16:41have been found guilty of ball tampering, apparently.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46APPLAUSE
0:16:46 > 0:16:47Let's move on.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51Who's compared themselves to Jesus this week? Is it Russell Brand?
0:16:51 > 0:16:54It's Michael O'Leary, the boss of Ryanair.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57He went on Twitter to interact with all those fans out there
0:16:57 > 0:16:58of shitty budget air travel.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Is that the technical term? Yes.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05One customer, called Beth, asked:
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Michael O'Leary thought he'd show he had a sense of humour
0:17:15 > 0:17:16with this reply:
0:17:21 > 0:17:22To which Beth replied:
0:17:30 > 0:17:34This is the news that the Vatican is setting up its own cricket team.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Meanwhile, a German bishop, dubbed the Bishop of Bling, has been
0:17:37 > 0:17:40suspended by the Vatican on account of his extravagant spending.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43The Bishop spent 31 million euros
0:17:43 > 0:17:46renovating his private residence in Lindbergh.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48No wonder the Vatican was furious.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Just think of all the poor destitute children in the world
0:17:50 > 0:17:53they could have hushed up with that money.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Ian and Gyles - here's another for you.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Oh, Theresa May is leaving the country, is she?
0:18:03 > 0:18:06She's explaining she'd like to go. It's become embarrassing. Yes.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09This van - it was a pilot scheme. They thought, "We'll see if this
0:18:09 > 0:18:12"works, we'll send the van round telling people to go home."
0:18:12 > 0:18:16Apparently, only one person went home.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18They... It had a success rate of one,
0:18:18 > 0:18:21and the person who went home didn't actually see the van,
0:18:21 > 0:18:24but read about it in the Guardian.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Actually, do you know what objection
0:18:27 > 0:18:31the Advertising Standards Authority had to the vans? Ah...
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Was the apostrophe in the wrong place? Let's see it again.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39I'm not sure there is one in, "Go home".
0:18:39 > 0:18:41If you look at the writing on here,
0:18:41 > 0:18:43it is very contradictory. You have "106 arrests last week",
0:18:43 > 0:18:45"Go home or face arrest", and then, in small letters,
0:18:45 > 0:18:49"We can help you to return home voluntarily without fear of arrest."
0:18:49 > 0:18:52LAUGHTER You just mentioned it twice, in big letters.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54But I love this - "For free advice, come around,
0:18:54 > 0:18:57"and Theresa May will say, 'Fuck off!'"
0:18:57 > 0:19:00LAUGHTER
0:19:00 > 0:19:02TITTERING
0:19:02 > 0:19:06So you've given up thoughts of returning to government, have you?
0:19:06 > 0:19:11APPLAUSE
0:19:12 > 0:19:15The Advertising Standards Authority said
0:19:15 > 0:19:17that they quoted misleading arrest statistics -
0:19:17 > 0:19:20and what have the Government been trying in place of this
0:19:20 > 0:19:23blunt instrument of... ethnic cleansing vans?
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Oh, they've been texting, yes. I can see what this texting is doing.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30You text in, saying, "Can I stay?" And Theresa May texts back, saying,
0:19:30 > 0:19:33"No, you can't." She can't really spell...
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Well, this... LAUGHTER
0:19:37 > 0:19:39When it comes to clarity of communication, you think
0:19:39 > 0:19:42a particular type of person is best suited to become
0:19:42 > 0:19:44a successful politician, don't you, Gyles?
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Can I tell you what annoyed me the other day?
0:19:47 > 0:19:49And that was when... LAUGHTER
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Only if I can have the next go.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58CHUCKLING
0:19:58 > 0:20:01I think, having been a breakfast television presenter actually
0:20:01 > 0:20:04really gets you well-suited to be in government.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07You've got to get up early in the morning, look presentable,
0:20:07 > 0:20:10you've got to be able to master a brief, form a soundbite
0:20:10 > 0:20:13and get it across - so I didn't like the way these so-called
0:20:13 > 0:20:16"telly autocuties" were patronised
0:20:16 > 0:20:18when they were appointed to government.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20How about people that get up about 11 o'clock
0:20:20 > 0:20:23and look a bit shit, like me and John?
0:20:23 > 0:20:27LAUGHTER
0:20:27 > 0:20:30I think it's a great shame that nowadays there are so many people
0:20:30 > 0:20:33going into politics in their 20s, never having done anything before.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36It would be great if people who had some experience of the real world
0:20:36 > 0:20:39actually went into politics. Somebody like you, who'd been a nurse
0:20:39 > 0:20:43and an entertainer - now you should go into politics. Someone like John
0:20:43 > 0:20:46on the sea, on the high seas, before he went into politics.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49On the high seas - he wasn't a pirate, you know.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52LAUGHTER Were you?
0:20:52 > 0:20:55I wasn't even a seaman, I was a steward.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58- But you were on the high seas! - Of course, all round the world.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02He sailed all around the world, absolutely.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04And he served gin and tonic better than most people.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07To Anthony Eden as well. He came on the ship for three months with me.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Can't have worse luck than that, can you?
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Do you think, though, that this new breed of politician
0:21:13 > 0:21:16will put a stop to MPs' perks, which they're insisting they keep
0:21:16 > 0:21:19as well as their 11% pay rise?
0:21:19 > 0:21:22I think we should have far fewer MPs, we should actually
0:21:22 > 0:21:25think through what the MPs are supposed to do... Can you name names?
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Of who should go, who should be culled?! Who should be culled...
0:21:28 > 0:21:32Oh, where do we start? ..at night, with a rifle.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35The culling of the members - oh, what a marvellous...
0:21:35 > 0:21:38What a marvellous series that would be, a Saturday night series.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44It could have subtitles, it could be "The Culling". The Cu...
0:21:44 > 0:21:47APPLAUSE
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Are you not getting a pay rise, in the Lords?
0:21:50 > 0:21:53We don't get a pay, in that sense. You get a daily allowance,
0:21:53 > 0:21:54if you turn... But it's not a wage.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Right. And then when I go to Europe to represent, they cut it by half.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00But that's life, I'm not making a plea about it,
0:22:00 > 0:22:02it's better than working for a living.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05LAUGHTER
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Now, Nick Clegg's spin doctors have been working particularly...
0:22:08 > 0:22:10He's got spin doctors?!
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Apparently.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16They've been leaking. How pleasant(!)
0:22:16 > 0:22:19What have they been leaking, do you know? It's about free schools,
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Nick Clegg is now saying he might be against them, but his junior
0:22:22 > 0:22:25minister, who is also a Liberal Democrat, is in favour of them.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28So, is the coalition coming a little bit apart...again at the seams?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30But I just have to say, on the subject of teachers,
0:22:30 > 0:22:33a lot of the people who taught me had no qualifications at all.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36JOHN: That's obvious.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:40 > 0:22:43What is the argument for having untrained teachers?
0:22:43 > 0:22:46I don't understand. Shall we apply the same to surgeons?
0:22:46 > 0:22:50If somebody wants to give it a go, let them have a go.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52They're keen, they'd learn on the job -
0:22:52 > 0:22:54you learn on the job!
0:22:54 > 0:23:00OK, so, this week saw a continuation of the Tory van debacle.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04Hang on, isn't Tory van debacle one of Prince George's godparents?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11According to the Sun, Theresa May also backed a scheme in which...
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Theresa May, if you really want to frighten them off,
0:23:17 > 0:23:19try sexting them.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22LAUGHTER
0:23:23 > 0:23:25And so to round two -
0:23:25 > 0:23:28the Strengthometer of News. Fingers on buzzers, teams -
0:23:28 > 0:23:31here's the first one...
0:23:33 > 0:23:35BUZZER
0:23:35 > 0:23:38That's a cake, isn't it? It's the Great British Bake Off winner.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40There was talk about there being some, er,
0:23:40 > 0:23:43misogyny, some people on the internet were very harsh
0:23:43 > 0:23:44about some of the contestants,
0:23:44 > 0:23:47I believe. BELL
0:23:47 > 0:23:50LAUGHTER
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Go on, what is it now?
0:23:58 > 0:24:00We were just going to tell you who the people were.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04The gentleman on the left is Monsieur Raymond Blanc,
0:24:04 > 0:24:06the television chef, and he tweeted
0:24:06 > 0:24:09what appeared to be a sarcastic remark
0:24:09 > 0:24:12about the winner, 24 hours before the winner was announced...
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Oh. ..and possibly spoilt the whole competition.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17But he got it wrong, because it WASN'T the winner. Indeed, he said,
0:24:17 > 0:24:20"French is my second language." Theresa May then phoned up
0:24:20 > 0:24:24and said, "Oh, you're..." LAUGHTER
0:24:24 > 0:24:27"You're some Froggy-wallah, are you? Well, get out. Get out!"
0:24:27 > 0:24:29This is what he tweeted...
0:24:38 > 0:24:42Who did that text refer to? Ruby. It referred to Ruby!
0:24:42 > 0:24:45That's Ruby. But you can't really tell how thin she is there,
0:24:45 > 0:24:48because she could have like a really massive body under it.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50LAUGHTER
0:24:50 > 0:24:54Must have more photos of myself taken from that height. Erm...
0:24:54 > 0:24:56And THIS is the winner... Frances.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59And a lot of Bake Off fans were furious. Yeah.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03What did former finalist Mary-Anne Boermans compare the situation to?
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Do you know? No. The end of the Crimean War.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08She said it was...
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Good grief! Have you all read Mary Poppins? Does that happen? Oh, no!
0:25:19 > 0:25:22My children and grandchildren are watching this - you've just ruined
0:25:22 > 0:25:24seven people's childhood.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Well, good!
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Let's see what Frances said about her personality.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Aw, makes them... And a cup of cold sick.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47LAUGHTER
0:25:47 > 0:25:51So, this is the grand final of Bake Off, which I watched this week.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54It was contested by three female cooks, which is odd, because
0:25:54 > 0:25:57I happen to know for a fact that the best bakers are all male,
0:25:57 > 0:25:59and they're all called Gregg.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04One of the finalists, Ruby Tandoh, received a lot of coverage
0:26:04 > 0:26:07for her looks. She complained, saying...
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Ruby, you're dough-eyed.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Yeah.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28That's dough, with an O-U-G-H - if I'm not at home,
0:26:28 > 0:26:31leave it with my neighbour.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34OK, fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the next one.
0:26:40 > 0:26:41BELL
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Yes? They've taken a picture of the furthest planet
0:26:44 > 0:26:46in the furthest galaxy. Oh, that's it, yeah.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48It doesn't look like that!
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Looks like a fur ball. Giant cat - is there a giant cat in space...
0:26:51 > 0:26:54that the Government aren't telling us about?
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Er, no - it's intergalactic slime...
0:26:56 > 0:26:58from outer space.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Slime from outer space? Yes.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03It's a substance that's been found at a nature reserve in Somerset,
0:27:03 > 0:27:07and it's handed to the Natural History Museum.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10The boffins there can't work out what it is,
0:27:10 > 0:27:14so have said it's probably assumed it might be intergalactic slime.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Wha...? Which newspaper is this story in?
0:27:18 > 0:27:21I think it's the Financial Times.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24There it is, look.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Oh, it's clear what this is. Frogspawn.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28No - terrified badger poo.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33That's some intergalactic slime - here's some good old British slime.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Oh, no, sorry. Erm...
0:27:36 > 0:27:38members of the public actually do bring things in
0:27:38 > 0:27:40to the Natural History Museum.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Let's show you an object that was brought in, right...? Yeah.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Ah... Yeah.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48That is a bird's pelvis. But apparently, the person
0:27:48 > 0:27:51that brought it in thought it was a dragon.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54LAUGHTER
0:27:54 > 0:27:56And here's something else that was
0:27:56 > 0:27:59brought in to the Natural History Museum, right?
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Blimey. Gosh, it looks like...
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Michael Gove put into a bottle, doesn't it?
0:28:04 > 0:28:08It was actually thought to be an alien, embalmed in a jar of f...
0:28:08 > 0:28:11fluid, and it actually turned out to be a sci-fi toy
0:28:11 > 0:28:13that had been on the shelf in a pub.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23BUZZER
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Has somebody invented a windy book?
0:28:25 > 0:28:29It might be Alex Ferguson... Oh, the hairdryer!
0:28:29 > 0:28:32The hair thing...? This is the hairdryer thing which he used to do
0:28:32 > 0:28:35to his players, apparently. He's got a new book out. That's right.
0:28:35 > 0:28:36The Daily Telegraph said...
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Isn't the ghost writer of the book a Daily Telegraph reporter?
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Paul Hayward, he's a football journalist. I think he may well be.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56He is, he's the guy that wrote the book. And that isn't...
0:28:56 > 0:28:58LAUGHTER
0:28:58 > 0:29:01I wonder if there's some sort of connection there which I can't see?
0:29:01 > 0:29:03Does anyone know which of John's colleagues
0:29:03 > 0:29:05Sir Alex wanted to see the back of?
0:29:05 > 0:29:08Blair. Gordon Brown. Prescott.
0:29:08 > 0:29:09GYLES: Never!
0:29:09 > 0:29:12Well, according to the Sun, Tony Blair asked Sir Alex how to handle
0:29:12 > 0:29:15Chancellor Gordon Brown's mutinous behaviour.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18The Times reported that he told old Tone...
0:29:23 > 0:29:25You stayed in your job for ages,
0:29:25 > 0:29:28John, so you can't have been any threat whatsoever.
0:29:28 > 0:29:31Did he actually say that, was that in the book?
0:29:31 > 0:29:34He suggested that Blair should pick up a football boot
0:29:34 > 0:29:37and throw it really hard at Gordon's face.
0:29:37 > 0:29:41But he could have called on John and John could simply have hit him.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44LAUGHTER
0:29:44 > 0:29:48I never hit anyone, I connected with them, as Blair asked.
0:29:48 > 0:29:51LAUGHTER
0:29:51 > 0:29:55Now, John - who did you recently compare to Alex Ferguson?
0:29:55 > 0:29:58I'm 75 years of age - I can't remember! Well, apparently,
0:29:58 > 0:30:01it was Ed Miliband. Was it? Yeah.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06He's the leader of the Labour Party!
0:30:07 > 0:30:10Is there any cocoa out there?
0:30:10 > 0:30:13This is Sir Alex Ferguson's autobiography. In the book,
0:30:13 > 0:30:16Fergie is critical of Wayne Rooney, saying...
0:30:19 > 0:30:23God knows how Wayne's going to react when someone reads that to him.
0:30:25 > 0:30:28OK, time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31Ian and Gyles - your four are...
0:30:31 > 0:30:35David Cameron, his former spin doctor Steve Hilton,
0:30:35 > 0:30:38pet chickens... LAUGHTER
0:30:38 > 0:30:40..and George Osborne.
0:30:40 > 0:30:44Is there a continual story, a narrative, through these pictures?
0:30:44 > 0:30:46Has David Cameron pulled that beach ball out of the chicken's
0:30:46 > 0:30:49arse, and it's astonished George Osborne?
0:30:49 > 0:30:51LAUGHTER
0:30:51 > 0:30:54It's much simpler than that. Is it? Three of them are
0:30:54 > 0:30:55Tories,
0:30:55 > 0:30:57and one of them is a chicken.
0:30:57 > 0:30:59GYLES: Oh, that's very good.
0:30:59 > 0:31:02So, three Conservatives and one Liberal Democrat.
0:31:04 > 0:31:07Is this to do with not wearing shoes?
0:31:07 > 0:31:11You're warm there, it's to do with insufficient apparel... Yes.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14..shall we say? Because Steve Hilton, who's come back to advise
0:31:14 > 0:31:17Mr Cameron, from... He was on a plane, and he wasn't wearing shoes,
0:31:17 > 0:31:20so they said, "You can't come in." That's right.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22It's personal, but he's got this verruca problem...
0:31:22 > 0:31:24LAUGHTER
0:31:24 > 0:31:27The chicken is the odd one out because for some reason,
0:31:27 > 0:31:29it's worn shoes and the others haven't.
0:31:29 > 0:31:32You're correct on the chicken - it IS the odd one out.
0:31:32 > 0:31:35They've all allegedly worn insufficient clothing,
0:31:35 > 0:31:39apart from pet chickens, who are wearing entirely superfluous
0:31:39 > 0:31:41hi-vis jackets. Can I say...?
0:31:41 > 0:31:44Excuse me, this chicken... You can say excuse me.
0:31:44 > 0:31:47If this is a high-visibility jacket,
0:31:47 > 0:31:50it's been sold under... No, no - that's...
0:31:52 > 0:31:54Honestly, I'm looking at it very closely,
0:31:54 > 0:31:56I really cannot see the high-visibility jacket.
0:31:56 > 0:31:59So, how are we to know it wears one if it hasn't got it on?
0:31:59 > 0:32:02I'm just going to show you the picture of the fucking chicken!
0:32:02 > 0:32:04APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:32:04 > 0:32:08Let's have a look at the chicken with the jacket. Let's have a look!
0:32:08 > 0:32:10There it is! Ah!
0:32:10 > 0:32:13People are buying fluorescent jackets for their pet chickens
0:32:13 > 0:32:17because they wander into the road and get run over.
0:32:17 > 0:32:20The foxes must be very happy with this new arrangement.
0:32:22 > 0:32:24Why did the chicken cross the road?
0:32:24 > 0:32:27Because the high-visibility jacket shop was on the other side.
0:32:27 > 0:32:30The manufacturer's website describes the jackets as...
0:32:36 > 0:32:38Ha-ha! What nonsense.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41Very fashionable, but worryingly for the chickens,
0:32:41 > 0:32:43just one letter away from giblets.
0:32:43 > 0:32:44LAUGHTER
0:32:44 > 0:32:47George Osborne, I don't know if you've heard about him, but he
0:32:47 > 0:32:50allegedly had a naked race along a London street,
0:32:50 > 0:32:54at the instigation of a vice girl called Natalie Rowe.
0:32:54 > 0:32:58He denies all of the allegations. That's good - so, what were they?
0:32:58 > 0:33:01In her book, Dominatrix, Natalie said...
0:33:05 > 0:33:07George managed to retain his modesty
0:33:07 > 0:33:11as, typically for him, there was 0% growth.
0:33:11 > 0:33:13Erm...
0:33:13 > 0:33:16David Cameron was photographed trying to change his shorts
0:33:16 > 0:33:18on a Cornish beach. Yes.
0:33:18 > 0:33:21So, how did Ed Balls try and make capital out of this?
0:33:21 > 0:33:23Balls said in the House of Commons,
0:33:23 > 0:33:26"It's a very small towel."
0:33:26 > 0:33:29Oh, yes. He was trying to make some sort of... For a prime minister.
0:33:29 > 0:33:32..genital joke, which, if you're called Balls,
0:33:32 > 0:33:34is not a good idea.
0:33:34 > 0:33:37Paul and John... Yes. ..here are yours.
0:33:37 > 0:33:41John Prescott... Yes. ..Dick Cheney's heart,
0:33:41 > 0:33:45NASA and the Satis Bluetooth toilet.
0:33:45 > 0:33:47I don't know, it's got to be something scientific,
0:33:47 > 0:33:50something to do with science fiction. This is a new toilet,
0:33:50 > 0:33:53that can...judges your health, depending on what you put into it.
0:33:53 > 0:33:56So, if you put a tin of petrol in, it confuses it completely.
0:33:56 > 0:33:59Erm, Dick Cheney's heart - there was something about,
0:33:59 > 0:34:03he had a pacemaker fitted, and the surgeon made sure the pacemaker
0:34:03 > 0:34:07couldn't be, sort of, detonated by terrorists, or something.
0:34:07 > 0:34:10And I don't know the rest of it. I can't make this coherent.
0:34:10 > 0:34:14Gyles... Well, I... Don't ask him, he can't make it coherent.
0:34:14 > 0:34:17For God's sake! I did met...meet the man... Yeah, I did met...
0:34:17 > 0:34:18"I did met!"
0:34:18 > 0:34:22Coherent! "I did met." That's three words in and he's failed.
0:34:22 > 0:34:25Off you go. He said, "I did meth!"
0:34:25 > 0:34:27Oh, "I did meth!" Oh, I do apologise, I didn't realise
0:34:27 > 0:34:29you were struggling with an addiction.
0:34:29 > 0:34:31I withdraw my comments.
0:34:31 > 0:34:34I think John Prescott is the odd man out. I think they're all things
0:34:34 > 0:34:38that Bluetooth has an effect on. It's Bluetooth which has been,
0:34:38 > 0:34:41erm, disabled, I think. It's Prescott,
0:34:41 > 0:34:43and the other...all have Bluetooth connections.
0:34:43 > 0:34:46Have you got a pacemaker? No.
0:34:46 > 0:34:48But you know, I looked at that and I thought...
0:34:48 > 0:34:50Oh, I was going to try my mobile!
0:34:50 > 0:34:53LAUGHTER
0:34:53 > 0:34:56I was getting too caught up with myself - what the hell am I doing,
0:34:56 > 0:34:58carrying...standing up there with...? Do it anyway...
0:34:58 > 0:35:01Therefore I think I AM the lemon, because...
0:35:01 > 0:35:04the other three are about technology.
0:35:04 > 0:35:07I'm the only one not associated with technology,
0:35:07 > 0:35:10so I'm the odd one out. I'm going to give you a one-word clue -
0:35:10 > 0:35:12hacking. Ooh!
0:35:12 > 0:35:14I WAS involved in being hacked into.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16Yes, your phone was hacked, I gather.
0:35:16 > 0:35:18Oh, you were. You were hacked, I'm sorry...
0:35:18 > 0:35:21So, someone tell me the odd one out. John's the odd one out,
0:35:21 > 0:35:23because he was hacked, and nobody else was. No. No. No.
0:35:23 > 0:35:26The Bluetooth lavatory is the odd one out? No. No...
0:35:26 > 0:35:28All right, then... NASA. Hang on!
0:35:28 > 0:35:30It's our game - hang on, hang on!
0:35:30 > 0:35:33Which one do you want to go for, John? I think it's got to be
0:35:33 > 0:35:35the rocket. We say the rocket's the odd one out.
0:35:35 > 0:35:38No. So... LAUGHTER
0:35:38 > 0:35:40Cheney. No, it's Cheney, that's right. Of course!
0:35:40 > 0:35:43The others are flush, and he's a "chainey"!
0:35:43 > 0:35:45LAUGHTER
0:35:45 > 0:35:48APPLAUSE
0:35:48 > 0:35:51They've all been hacked, except Dick Cheney's heart,
0:35:51 > 0:35:55which had a defibrillator in it that was vulnerable to hacking,
0:35:55 > 0:35:58so Cheney had it modified. Can you imagine the person
0:35:58 > 0:36:01who is hacking John Prescott, listening, hour after hour,
0:36:01 > 0:36:04to his telephone conversations? Marvellous,
0:36:04 > 0:36:06rich use of language going on.
0:36:06 > 0:36:07LAUGHTER
0:36:07 > 0:36:10And you can hack the toilet by
0:36:10 > 0:36:12downloading the mobile phone app and the PIN code,
0:36:12 > 0:36:15which is fixed at 0000. So...
0:36:24 > 0:36:26GYLES: Wonderful.
0:36:26 > 0:36:28And Brazilian computer hackers mistook NASA
0:36:28 > 0:36:31for the NSA, the National Security Agency.
0:36:31 > 0:36:35Do you know what message they left on NASA's website?
0:36:35 > 0:36:38There's nothing there. Well, the message said...
0:36:51 > 0:36:54Oh, that Theresa May, she gets everywhere!
0:36:54 > 0:36:56LAUGHTER
0:36:56 > 0:36:59They are all vulnerable to hacking, apart from Dick Cheney's heart,
0:36:59 > 0:37:01which had its defibrillator modified
0:37:01 > 0:37:04so that would-be assassins couldn't interfere with it
0:37:04 > 0:37:05and cause a fatal heart attack.
0:37:05 > 0:37:08The trial of Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson
0:37:08 > 0:37:11begins shortly, and whether they are innocent or guilty,
0:37:11 > 0:37:13it will no doubt be a horrendous ordeal for them.
0:37:13 > 0:37:17So that's something to look forward to, hey?
0:37:17 > 0:37:20I'm one of the witnesses. Are you? Yeah. I'm looking forward to it, too!
0:37:20 > 0:37:23Ooh! I thought it was going to be quite a short trial!
0:37:24 > 0:37:27OK, time now for the missing words round,
0:37:27 > 0:37:30which this week features as its guest publication,
0:37:30 > 0:37:32Trolleybus Magazine.
0:37:32 > 0:37:34And we start with...
0:37:37 > 0:37:40Judge tells mad fisherman...
0:37:40 > 0:37:43to stop eating cats.
0:37:43 > 0:37:45Russell Brand.
0:37:45 > 0:37:47No, let's tell you, shall we?
0:37:47 > 0:37:49JOHN: Isn't it that festival?
0:37:49 > 0:37:52The festival, yeah.
0:37:52 > 0:37:54A festival in Peru has been banned from holding a cat race in which
0:37:54 > 0:37:58the losing cats are strangled and thrown into a giant cooking pot.
0:37:58 > 0:38:03Whereas the winning cat is crowned El Maestro de los Gartos,
0:38:03 > 0:38:04paraded round the streets of Lima,
0:38:04 > 0:38:07then strangled and thrown into a giant cooking pot.
0:38:09 > 0:38:11Next...
0:38:13 > 0:38:14Problem. Pope. No.
0:38:14 > 0:38:18Man throws parrot at problem? Yeah, just throw parrot at it, it'll...
0:38:18 > 0:38:19sort itself out.
0:38:19 > 0:38:22GYLES: Man throws parrot at festival-goers in Lima
0:38:22 > 0:38:25in the hope of giving them an alternative diet.
0:38:26 > 0:38:28Midnight?
0:38:31 > 0:38:33No. JOHN: Is it another police story?
0:38:33 > 0:38:35Man throws parrot at police officer!
0:38:35 > 0:38:37That is correct. Well done!
0:38:37 > 0:38:39Yeah, good. Next...
0:38:42 > 0:38:46..there were actually weapons of mass destruction...
0:38:46 > 0:38:48in Iraq, which the cabinet believed -
0:38:48 > 0:38:50but they weren't there, were they?
0:38:50 > 0:38:52..trolleybuses were invented by the Chinese...
0:38:59 > 0:39:03LAUGHTER
0:39:03 > 0:39:06The rumours date from 1959, and...
0:39:06 > 0:39:10If you want some idea of what Stalybridge was like in 1959,
0:39:10 > 0:39:13go to Stalybridge.
0:39:15 > 0:39:17Next...
0:39:17 > 0:39:19..getting stuck in doorways.
0:39:21 > 0:39:24..more likely to be infertile. No, it's worse than that.
0:39:24 > 0:39:27..are more likely to be fertile.
0:39:27 > 0:39:30Creating more wide-faced men. No, they're more likely to be conmen.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33Well, apparently, wide-faced men are indeed...
0:39:34 > 0:39:36Nobody look around. No.
0:39:36 > 0:39:38LAUGHTER
0:39:38 > 0:39:40And finally...
0:39:42 > 0:39:44Tram, that's what it will be, a red-skirted tram,
0:39:44 > 0:39:47a trolleybus that's got a red skirt around it has been spotted.
0:39:47 > 0:39:49Correct. Ha-ha!
0:39:52 > 0:39:56Indeed. This is from Trolleybus Magazine's visit to North Korea.
0:39:56 > 0:39:58Of course, I can understand why people might want to go on a
0:39:58 > 0:40:01trolleybus-spotting tour of North Korea,
0:40:01 > 0:40:04but then again, I am a former psychiatric nurse.
0:40:05 > 0:40:09And so, the final scores are - Gyles and Ian
0:40:09 > 0:40:12have seven, but John and Paul have nine!
0:40:12 > 0:40:13No! Yes!
0:40:13 > 0:40:15Well done, well done.
0:40:15 > 0:40:18APPLAUSE
0:40:18 > 0:40:21But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:40:21 > 0:40:24Erm, new hairstyle...doesn't work.
0:40:24 > 0:40:27GYLES: Nick Clegg in search of green agenda?
0:40:29 > 0:40:31It's a hedge fund manager!
0:40:31 > 0:40:33Ooh! Yey!
0:40:33 > 0:40:36APPLAUSE
0:40:38 > 0:40:40On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop
0:40:40 > 0:40:43and Gyles Brandreth, Paul Merton and John Prescott.
0:40:43 > 0:40:45And I leave you with news that
0:40:45 > 0:40:47arriving in Prague for a weekend break,
0:40:47 > 0:40:51Mrs Farage suddenly realises what the large inflatable object
0:40:51 > 0:40:54in Nigel's suitcase was.
0:40:58 > 0:41:00After a new hospital opens in London,
0:41:00 > 0:41:04administrators thank the eagle-eyed member of the public who pointed out
0:41:04 > 0:41:07that from the roof, you can see into the nurses' residence.
0:41:13 > 0:41:16And RMT chief Bob Crowe proves he's got what it takes
0:41:16 > 0:41:19in the Total Wipeout trade union special...
0:41:22 > 0:41:24Good night!
0:41:38 > 0:41:40Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:41:58 > 0:42:00GYLES: I'd like to say some things
0:42:00 > 0:42:02about Prince George's Christening, if...
0:42:02 > 0:42:05LAUGHTER ..a moment.