0:00:32 > 0:00:34APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Kirsty Young.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42In the news this week,
0:00:42 > 0:00:46as the major parties gear up for the next election, one householder
0:00:46 > 0:00:49is just a few seconds too late in pretending he's not at home.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55LAUGHTER
0:00:57 > 0:01:00In Dover, customs and excise put together a crack team
0:01:00 > 0:01:04to deal with a sudden influx of black market sausages.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08LAUGHTER
0:01:11 > 0:01:14And as the trial of Rebekah Brooks gets under way,
0:01:14 > 0:01:16the foreman of the jury takes no chances
0:01:16 > 0:01:20when an advert for Private Eye magazine pops up online.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30LAUGHTER
0:01:30 > 0:01:33On Ian's team tonight is a radical economist
0:01:33 > 0:01:36and critic of corrupt, gangster-style financiers,
0:01:36 > 0:01:38who refers to bankers as "banksters,"
0:01:38 > 0:01:42and I'm guessing they refer to him as a "wankster."
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Please welcome Max Keiser.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46APPLAUSE
0:01:48 > 0:01:51And with Paul tonight is a surreal Canadian stand-up comedian
0:01:51 > 0:01:55who was recently described as "the Sherpa of Stand-up."
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Well, he's certainly got me tensing. Please welcome Tony Law.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01APPLAUSE
0:02:04 > 0:02:06And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Ian and Max, just take a look at this.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12I wonder what this is about(!)
0:02:12 > 0:02:15This is the trial of the century.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17And I think that's about it. Next round.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21It was revealed today that they were having an affair
0:02:21 > 0:02:22with each other for about six years.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24That's what the prosecution say.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27You're quite right, this is the trial of Rebekah Brooks
0:02:27 > 0:02:28and Andy Coulson, among others.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31It kicked off this week, and not entirely coincidentally,
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Private Eye found itself on the front pages for the first time
0:02:33 > 0:02:36since you declared yourself a banana.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40No, Private Eye chose to put on the cover, it was Halloween,
0:02:40 > 0:02:43and so we ran a cover saying, erm,
0:02:43 > 0:02:46"Horror Witch Costume Withdrawn from Shops"
0:02:46 > 0:02:49and put a picture of Rebekah Brooks with it.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51LAUGHTER
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Shall I let people know precisely what it was that the judge said
0:02:55 > 0:02:57as he held up a copy of Private Eye in court?
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Erm, referring to the front page, he told jurors...
0:03:12 > 0:03:17Do we know what news vendors had to put up with from police
0:03:17 > 0:03:19in nearby newsstands?
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Yes, I think one of the news vendors near to the Old Bailey was
0:03:22 > 0:03:26asked by a couple of policemen to remove the copy from display.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Yeah, that's quite right.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31And he said, "Have you got any court order for this?"
0:03:31 > 0:03:32And they said, "Well, no."
0:03:32 > 0:03:34So he said, erm, "Get lost."
0:03:35 > 0:03:36And he carried on selling it.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40The Royal Charter on Press Regulation was granted by the Privy Council also this week.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44That happened on Wednesday. Anybody got anything interesting to say about that?
0:03:44 > 0:03:47It wasn't a good week cos the Chairman of the Conservative Party
0:03:47 > 0:03:51said that if the BBC had any more perceived bias then it may well
0:03:51 > 0:03:53have its licence fee cut.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56And the BBC, of course, is set up by Royal Charter
0:03:56 > 0:03:58and is independent,
0:03:58 > 0:04:00and therefore would never be interfered with by, say,
0:04:00 > 0:04:03the Chairman of the Conservative Party,
0:04:03 > 0:04:05threatening to cut its licence fee.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06Just an argument to take home.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11Incidentally, on the same day that the Privy Council met the Queen
0:04:11 > 0:04:13about the Royal Charter, the Independent revealed
0:04:13 > 0:04:16that she also met the Afghan president, Hamid Karzai.
0:04:16 > 0:04:17There's a photograph.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Presumably, the chat about the press had only just ended.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23I think that is Hugh Grant just slipping off in the background.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27He seemed to have got confused with some curtains on the way out.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Who is the Lord President of the Council
0:04:29 > 0:04:32and the fourth most powerful person in the land?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Nick Clegg! Yes. AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:04:34 > 0:04:35Don't laugh!
0:04:35 > 0:04:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:39 > 0:04:43So, if Nick Clegg is the fourth most powerful person in the land,
0:04:43 > 0:04:45who else above him goes one, two and three?
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Well, I think the Prime Minister counts.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Yeah, David Cameron.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50William Hague?
0:04:50 > 0:04:51No. George Osborne must be...
0:04:51 > 0:04:53No. The Queen?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Yeah. Right, so who have we got left?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57That bloke off of Strictly Come Dancing?
0:04:57 > 0:04:59LAUGHTER
0:04:59 > 0:05:02It does actually say on my card, "Simon Cowell."
0:05:02 > 0:05:03That is the other person we've got.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Would you like to see the Guardian's picture of Nick Clegg
0:05:06 > 0:05:09meeting with the Queen and her private secretary?
0:05:09 > 0:05:11This is as imagined by an artist. Yes.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Why on Earth did they bother?
0:05:15 > 0:05:17TONY: Look at the Queen, "Urgh, jeez!"
0:05:17 > 0:05:20THROUGH GRITTED TEETH "I can't believe it's him!"
0:05:20 > 0:05:23She wants to know why her secret bodyguards have taken away
0:05:23 > 0:05:26her copy of Private Eye and is extremely irritated.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30On the subject of two men stood next to a very tiny woman,
0:05:30 > 0:05:34did any of you see the Chinese politicians who wanted,
0:05:34 > 0:05:37did you see this, a photo with an old woman, but the cameraman
0:05:37 > 0:05:40in China couldn't get them all in the frame of the picture.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43They PhotoShopped it, and this is how it turned out.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46LAUGHTER
0:05:46 > 0:05:48You can see why they're visiting her,
0:05:48 > 0:05:51cos she is exceptionally small. Yeah. Tiny.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52Looks like a British care home.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54"You getting enough to eat, dear?"
0:05:54 > 0:05:58She's actually doll size, isn't she?
0:05:58 > 0:06:01I might take her home for my daughter.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03"Here you go, honey, an old Chinese lady."
0:06:03 > 0:06:05LAUGHTER
0:06:05 > 0:06:09So, this is the start of the News International phone hacking trial.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12The judge, Mr Justice Saunders,
0:06:12 > 0:06:14warned jurors not to go online and...
0:06:16 > 0:06:17Or Hugh Grant.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22Also this week, the Queen signed the Royal Charter on Press Regulation.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24According to the Daily Telegraph,
0:06:24 > 0:06:26the Department for Media, Culture and Sport claims that...
0:06:29 > 0:06:33..in the same way that the Department of the Environment defends badgers.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Paul and Tony, time for you to take a look at this.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41All right, that's a man in 1946,
0:06:41 > 0:06:44and there's another man telling him it's 1946.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Has she got a new iPh...? Oh. Yeah, well...
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Yes, I thought you'd say that.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52LAUGHTER
0:06:52 > 0:06:55There's a man with a magnifying glass being held up to him.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58So, yes, it's about the Americans listening in to Angela Merkel,
0:06:58 > 0:07:00and it's been going on for years, apparently.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03This is the news that America's been spying on millions of people
0:07:03 > 0:07:06in Spain, France, Germany and everywhere else, it seems.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09And all of this came to light how?
0:07:09 > 0:07:13Well, the NSA's been spying religiously on all these things,
0:07:13 > 0:07:16and now it's out in the open. This is the progression of it all.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Celebrity hacks in the US, and the NSA,
0:07:19 > 0:07:23they have used the technology to get into the phones of these celebrities.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26They can't fix their own health care, there's no health care in America,
0:07:26 > 0:07:28the whole thing is completely "fakakta."
0:07:28 > 0:07:31But they can spy on celebrities, using the NSA technology brilliantly.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35And the German leader. Of course, she's a celebrity...
0:07:35 > 0:07:36LAUGHTER
0:07:36 > 0:07:40TONY: She was a celebrity BEFORE she was the German leader. Remember?
0:07:40 > 0:07:42The Kaiser Kittens.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43LAUGHTER
0:07:43 > 0:07:44You were in that.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47MAX: Yes, Kitten Number Two.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50She was very cross, though. She said this wasn't very friendly.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51She said...
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Her English is brilliant, isn't it? She's always grumpy, though.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00It's because everyone keeps calling her "An-j-ela."
0:08:00 > 0:08:02She's like, "Ohhhhhh!"
0:08:02 > 0:08:05What phone did Angela Merkel have for four years, then?
0:08:05 > 0:08:08A BlackBerry. Apparently, she was very happy with it.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Here she is looking very happy with it.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14LAUGHTER
0:08:14 > 0:08:17And it wasn't just Merkel that they were listening in to.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19How many other world leaders in total were tapped?
0:08:19 > 0:08:2035.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Yeah, spot on. Nice.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25There we go, one point for that.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29I was briefed by the NSA before coming on. Can you name them all?
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Absolutely, there's the Spanish, there's Merkel and there's 34 others.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35That's 33 others.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37LAUGHTER
0:08:38 > 0:08:42You mentioned the Spanish, that was the biggest part of the story
0:08:42 > 0:08:46this week, about the amount of calls that were monitored of the Spanish.
0:08:46 > 0:08:4860 million in one month.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51In one particularly busy day, can you remember the figure?
0:08:51 > 0:08:52The Festival of Paella.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Someone had forgotten the recipe and they went berserk.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Do you know how many calls they monitored that day
0:08:59 > 0:09:01on the Festival of Paella? 60 million.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Well, no, on one day 3.5 million.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Does anybody know what the French security services used to do
0:09:07 > 0:09:08to gather information
0:09:08 > 0:09:11when they were spying on businesspeople in the 1990s?
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Bilingual chickens.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15LAUGHTER
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Sneakin'. They just snuck around.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Just sneakin'.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24"Ah, bon." Sneakin'.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27They installed microphones under the seats of first class
0:09:27 > 0:09:30passengers on Air France flights.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33There's a condition in America now called the Truman Show syndrome,
0:09:33 > 0:09:36where people believe that they're being spied on
0:09:36 > 0:09:37by the state 24 hours a day.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39And... Well, they're not wrong, are they?
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Now they believe that they're starring in their own show.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44TONY: And it makes everyone feel special.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47It's so brilliant and American!
0:09:47 > 0:09:50It's very aspirational, it's an aspirational thing.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54The American Dream now is to be spied on and to be on a show by the NSA.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58What did the Russians discover was spying on them this week?
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Space monkeys.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02The Chinese?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04The kettles.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07The kettles? The folk group from the '60s?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09No, not the folk group from the '60s.
0:10:11 > 0:10:16Investigators discovered that kettles imported from China
0:10:16 > 0:10:18contained spy microchips
0:10:18 > 0:10:22which can pump out spam data that scrambles Wi-Fi.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25The Bond films are way behind, aren't they?
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Giving him guns and helicopters, you want kettles!
0:10:28 > 0:10:32"Ah, Bond, leave it alone. It'll boil in five minutes."
0:10:34 > 0:10:36And which other world power is annoyed
0:10:36 > 0:10:40that their data has been stolen by the NSA? Germany.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42No, I mean "world" power. Jamaica.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45It's Google. According to David Drummond,
0:10:45 > 0:10:47who is Google's chief legal officer...
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Yeah, and here is David Drummond.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57We just found that on Google Street View there.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Now, finally, and it's nothing to do with anything,
0:11:01 > 0:11:04but just because it's Halloween, shall we have a quick look at an ITN
0:11:04 > 0:11:10report of a man who was paddling a giant pumpkin to the Isle of Wight?
0:11:10 > 0:11:11Yes, absolutely.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15Dmitri Galitzine from London has spent seven days testing
0:11:15 > 0:11:18the giant vegetable in Portsmouth to make sure it wouldn't sink.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21He is jogging back in a runner bean. Get it?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23AUDIENCE GROANS
0:11:23 > 0:11:26TONY: Nice work. Doesn't get better than that. It does.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28It gets a lot better than that. Does it?
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Yeah, it gets a lot better than that. He's a real Jack-in-a-lantern.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33MUTED LAUGHTER
0:11:33 > 0:11:37Cross-cultural joke. It is. We don't really do Halloween here.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40British people run around, "Penny for the Guy."
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Well, that's better than "Trick or treat!"
0:11:42 > 0:11:44We had a perfectly decent festival
0:11:44 > 0:11:46where we burnt someone to death on a fire!
0:11:47 > 0:11:50APPLAUSE
0:11:53 > 0:11:56You come over here with your ghastly skeletons, scaring children,
0:11:56 > 0:12:01instead of having a perfectly nice evening setting fire to a Catholic.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08This is the continuing fallout from the US spying scandal.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Germany is particularly upset at being spied on by the United States.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14According to one news website...
0:12:20 > 0:12:22LAUGHTER
0:12:25 > 0:12:28That kind of depends how old you are, doesn't it?
0:12:28 > 0:12:31The Spanish newspaper El Mundo published a leaked
0:12:31 > 0:12:33US Intelligence graphic showing...
0:12:36 > 0:12:38..which, presumably, looked something like this.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49Ian and Max, here's another for you. Oh, good.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53It's a train. Mm-hmm. Ah, that's a proper train!
0:12:53 > 0:12:57That's the two Eds, better than one!
0:12:57 > 0:13:00But not in this case.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02It's about investment in infrastructure, yes!
0:13:02 > 0:13:05They're building this enormous boondoggle up north.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Is that a technical term? Yes, "boondoggle".
0:13:07 > 0:13:10In economics, it's called "a big frickin' waste of money."
0:13:11 > 0:13:14And if you really want to connect the country
0:13:14 > 0:13:17and get the economy going, give everyone free access to broadband.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Yeah, I think I'd prefer to take the train.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24You can't get to Birmingham fast enough.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27You can in your virtual self!
0:13:27 > 0:13:28It's impossible.
0:13:30 > 0:13:35So this is the wise investment slash catastrophic waste of billions
0:13:35 > 0:13:38of taxpayers' money... The Labour Party have decided now,
0:13:38 > 0:13:40it was their idea originally to do it
0:13:40 > 0:13:42but now the Tories want to do it, they don't want to do it any more.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Did you hear the actual words of the dire warning
0:13:45 > 0:13:48from the Government about the consequences if Labour do not?
0:13:48 > 0:13:51No, I'd like to hear you say it. The precise words were...
0:13:56 > 0:14:00It's just hard to imagine what that'd be like, isn't it?
0:14:00 > 0:14:03APPLAUSE
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Do you know this week's figure of how much it will cost?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08I think it's 130 zillion.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13The Government's current budget is 50 billion,
0:14:13 > 0:14:16although one independent study says it'll cost 80 billion.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Well, you've got Mark Carney now as the Bank of England...
0:14:19 > 0:14:21He can just print it! Just print 80 billion.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24That's fine, that's what he does, what he's there for!
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Print more money! Doesn't matter if it's 100, 200 billion.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Just print! No downside to that?
0:14:28 > 0:14:33Unless you include inflation. As long as you don't mind paying extra for energy and food,
0:14:33 > 0:14:36it's OK. Just keep printing money! OK, let's have the train.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Bail out the banks, just print money. It's fine.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Put the money in the train and take it to Birmingham!
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Listen, Max. One hour and 20 minutes to Birmingham. It's too long!
0:14:46 > 0:14:49APPLAUSE
0:14:49 > 0:14:52I want, like, an hour. It's too long.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54I've got stuff to do in Birmingham!
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Very busy, very busy man.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59I've got concrete to pour! Yeah.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02It doesn't pour itself, you know? It doesn't.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04I don't care how many billions it costs,
0:15:04 > 0:15:07let's shave 20 minutes off of me getting to Birmingham
0:15:07 > 0:15:08and pouring concrete!
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Peter Mandelson, who was there when the decision was made,
0:15:12 > 0:15:15said, "Yeah, but you can't really trust the costs,
0:15:15 > 0:15:16"we did it on the back of an envelope."
0:15:16 > 0:15:18And now he says it'll cost too much.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21But think about it, during the financial crisis, 2008,
0:15:21 > 0:15:25they printed 750 trillion to bail out Wall Street, or 750 billion.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27They figured it all out on the back of an envelope.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31That's the way politicians do it now. They look at the back of an envelope and say,
0:15:31 > 0:15:34"What number can we possibly get away with? This sounds good."
0:15:34 > 0:15:38And that's the way they figure it. There's no economics involved.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39That's the way it's managed.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, I was just going to say
0:15:42 > 0:15:45David Bowie wrote Starman on the back of an envelope.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Don't you normally write your address?
0:15:49 > 0:15:53Yeah, "Starman, waiting in the sky..."
0:15:55 > 0:15:58"..space."
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Labour are considering a cheaper alternative to HS2. What is it?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Making everything downhill.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Is it reversing all the Beeching cuts?
0:16:08 > 0:16:11What a terrifically good idea, who's was this?
0:16:11 > 0:16:15It sort of is! It is the old Grand Central line through Rugby and Sheffield. Excellent.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18That was closed when, Ian? Er, '64.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22'66. I was sure you'd get that. '66! Oh, how useless!
0:16:24 > 0:16:28I thought you were going to say, "Just get rid of Birmingham."
0:16:28 > 0:16:32What?! I'm doing my best!
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Do you know how much concrete he's got at home? Jeez!
0:16:35 > 0:16:36If Labour do drop their support,
0:16:36 > 0:16:39who's going to be most upset about it? Lord Adonis.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43He's been the person behind it all. One of the people behind it.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47What an arrogant name. Lord Adonis. He must be a superhero.
0:16:47 > 0:16:53That's like being Shit Guy. Lord...Adonis.
0:16:53 > 0:16:58Super God Jesus Adonis Amazeballs Dude.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02It's too many names, isn't it? Anyway, it's not him. It's...
0:17:02 > 0:17:04LAUGHTER
0:17:04 > 0:17:06It's regional Labour councils.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Ed Miliband has been warned of a long drawn-out struggle
0:17:09 > 0:17:13by a council leader from the Midlands, Sir Albert Bore.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18Does he have an identical twin brother? Twin bore? No?
0:17:18 > 0:17:22If you are looking for an even faster route to prosperity,
0:17:22 > 0:17:25why should you ask Christopher Cock?
0:17:27 > 0:17:31Pardon? You wouldn't mind saying that again, would you?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Some people would pay good money for that!
0:17:37 > 0:17:40APPLAUSE
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Well, we don't mind having a whip round. What have you got?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Anyway, I reckon you might know who this guy is.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51Is he an economist? He bought ?16 worth of what? Bitcoin.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54The bitcoin. That's right. He kept it in a drawer for four years
0:17:54 > 0:17:55and they're worth $900,000.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Can you explain to us in an entirely understandable way
0:17:58 > 0:18:02what a bitcoin is? It's an electronic currency used exactly like money
0:18:02 > 0:18:05except it's not backed by any state so you have no state interference,
0:18:05 > 0:18:08they can't print it. How does it work then, what can you buy?
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Right now you can buy... Thousands of retailers accept Bitcoin.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Somebody just bought a million dollars' worth
0:18:14 > 0:18:17of hardware with Bitcoin. An example in Cyprus,
0:18:17 > 0:18:19when that banking system started to collapse,
0:18:19 > 0:18:23the adoption of Bitcoin skyrocketed. Same thing in Greece and Venezuela.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Are those very good examples for stable use of currency?
0:18:26 > 0:18:27Well, look at what's happening...
0:18:27 > 0:18:30But in the UK, I'm saying it's an alternative to those currencies.
0:18:30 > 0:18:36So some guy spent a million... he spent a million on hardware?
0:18:36 > 0:18:37That's a lot of nails!
0:18:39 > 0:18:43How many hammers do you get for that? A million on hardware.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46He's got a good gig in Birmingham, though, so he's up and down.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49On the subject of trading in dodgy nonexistent commodities,
0:18:49 > 0:18:51what has happened to JP Morgan recently?
0:18:51 > 0:18:55They paid off a fine, billions of dollars in fines
0:18:55 > 0:18:59for mortgages that they mis-sold. They've paid a third of all revenue
0:18:59 > 0:19:01in fines over the past several years
0:19:01 > 0:19:04because they're a serial fraudster.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08It's estimated that in the end, they may pay fines of up to $13 billion.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Speaking of unpopular millionaires then,
0:19:12 > 0:19:15which other unpopular millionaires have been grilled recently?
0:19:15 > 0:19:19Is this the power company executives? Don't get me started!
0:19:20 > 0:19:24I think we have! I think we're way past that point, aren't we?
0:19:24 > 0:19:27We're looking at alternative remedies now.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31The chief executives, the leaders of the Big Six energy companies
0:19:31 > 0:19:34were called in front of the Commons Select Committee to explain
0:19:34 > 0:19:37this incredible rise in... A lot didn't turn up though, did they?
0:19:37 > 0:19:39There were five of them that just couldn't be arsed
0:19:39 > 0:19:42and the only one of the Big Six bosses to turn up...
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Actually I've just noticed he's called Tony Cocker!
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Now, I don't... LAUGHTER
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Pardon? I know!
0:19:49 > 0:19:53I mean, it was funny the first time... We're not made of money!
0:19:53 > 0:19:57And you wonder why people think they're getting shafted.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Did anyone see a pensioner venting her anger
0:20:01 > 0:20:04on the energy suppliers through the medium of video games
0:20:04 > 0:20:07on Grand Theft Auto? No! No.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09The footage here, when you see it,
0:20:09 > 0:20:11it doesn't look quite as good as it looks in the actual game.
0:20:11 > 0:20:16Hello, what do you do for a living? Work for British Gas, do you?
0:20:16 > 0:20:19You wanker! I'll give you "put my bills up"!
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Bang, you take that! You won't put them up no more!
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Bang! One for you! And one for you!
0:20:24 > 0:20:27I'll give you one as well! You come here!
0:20:27 > 0:20:29I'll get you, you bastard! Come back!
0:20:29 > 0:20:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:31 > 0:20:32"You bastard!"
0:20:35 > 0:20:39HS2 is intended to end the sort of disruption passengers
0:20:39 > 0:20:41currently experience, although this week,
0:20:41 > 0:20:43to be fair to the train operators,
0:20:43 > 0:20:46the leaves on the line were attached to the trees.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Paul and Tony, here's another one for you.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Ooh, OK. Little magical car going around on its own.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59With an invisible man. Invisible man driving it.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Is it about a new car being developed that can drive itself, essentially? It is, yes.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05It's a new car that is tiny.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10And you can actually shrink and become invisible and drive it.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14I think that's a new scheme, I think it comes in at...what? 90...
0:21:14 > 0:21:1698. Billion. Yep. At the moment.
0:21:17 > 0:21:22They're pretty confident that will get us to Birmingham quicker!
0:21:22 > 0:21:24It is, it actually said "BRUM" on it! Did it?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29APPLAUSE
0:21:29 > 0:21:33In maybe 20 years' time, you'll be in a car which drives itself.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37Because you've tapped in the postal code, you wake up in the morning, there'll be a bed in the back
0:21:37 > 0:21:40and you'll end up outside the place where you need to be.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Right. And that comes in at around 120... Billion. ..billion?
0:21:44 > 0:21:48I have to say, that's what you said about the jet pack, though.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Well, there's a reason why the jet pack...
0:21:50 > 0:21:53I was going to say "didn't take off", but you know what I mean!
0:21:53 > 0:21:56You are right. This is the exciting transport innovation
0:21:56 > 0:21:58of the driverless car.
0:21:58 > 0:22:03This particular example is set to be on the pavements of Britain by 2015.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Who's behind the scheme?
0:22:05 > 0:22:07A sadist.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10According to The Mail, it's David Willetts and Vince Cable
0:22:10 > 0:22:12along with funding from the...
0:22:15 > 0:22:1750 million, they're getting.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Is that a quick way of getting across the river?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22According to David Willetts, he said...
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Shall we have a look at one of these lovely, little cars? Yes.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30There it is. Ah!
0:22:30 > 0:22:33TONY: Yeah. We could really relax in that(!)
0:22:33 > 0:22:35"I am so relaxed, that I've dressed up
0:22:35 > 0:22:38"like a serial killer on my way to work."
0:22:38 > 0:22:41It's Milton Keynes that's been chosen as the first place
0:22:41 > 0:22:44to have the driverless cars. Do we know why?
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Nobody really cares about the buildings in Milton Keynes.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51No, because it's probably because... Ah, yes, cos it's built on a grid system.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54That would've been a good answer but it's not the right one. Oh.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56It's because, according to The Sunday Times, it has...
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Who won't be able to use the driverless cars?
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Blind people. No, they would be good for this car.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09That's what I'm trying to say. It's excellent for those people.
0:23:09 > 0:23:10Drunkards, apparently.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12You won't be allowed to use one if you've had a few.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Isn't that your target for a driverless car?
0:23:14 > 0:23:17I know, I would think so. "I've had a few..."
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Into the pod, home.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Provided you remember where home is, that's the thing.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26If you can pronounce your postcode, you should be able to be taken home.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29They're marketing for all these po-faced sober people, just,
0:23:29 > 0:23:32"Ah, being driven around. Grr!"
0:23:32 > 0:23:36And all these drunk people going, "This is the only option I got."
0:23:36 > 0:23:39There has been another significant technological breakthrough
0:23:39 > 0:23:43this week. Has anyone heard about this? Ah, the sex robot.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46It's not that, no. You're interested, though, aren't you?
0:23:46 > 0:23:48I am, actually, yes. I just made it up.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51No, the Japanese have invented a product called Scentee.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55It's Smell-o-vision for the Smartphone, dubbed the iSmell.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57There it is.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59It also offers something called a nose barbecue.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03This is a function of the Scentee that livens up bland meals
0:24:03 > 0:24:06by releasing appetising smells while you're eating.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Which other great inventor died this week?
0:24:11 > 0:24:15It was a guy called Kadir Nurman, the inventor of the doner kebab.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Oh, yes!
0:24:17 > 0:24:19That was invented? I know!
0:24:19 > 0:24:23That's been around since the dawn of time. It's not created in nature.
0:24:23 > 0:24:28It is! There's nothing natural about it. I've shot a doner kebab
0:24:28 > 0:24:32while hunting, I swear. They can't run very fast. Their legs are fat.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36They told me, "You got him! We're going to cook him up tonight!"
0:24:36 > 0:24:38I shot a doner kebab.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41What did he invent, just putting meat in bread?
0:24:41 > 0:24:44No, I read about this. That's a sandwich, isn't it? A rotisserie.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47I read about this. His contribution was actually
0:24:47 > 0:24:49to put the rotisserie meat into a flat bread, so apparently
0:24:49 > 0:24:52the flat bread was the innovation this gentleman brought to bear,
0:24:52 > 0:24:54and this has become a classic ever since.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57I don't understand what anyone is talking about.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59I've seen them galloping across the Serengeti,
0:24:59 > 0:25:01those beautiful doner kebabs.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Was that after the nose barbecue?
0:25:06 > 0:25:11You kill it, you bring it to the nose barbecue. That's it.
0:25:11 > 0:25:16Put it into a driverless car, it'll be there in ten minutes.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18This is the driverless car,
0:25:18 > 0:25:21which will be hitting the streets at the start of 2015
0:25:21 > 0:25:24and hitting a pedestrian just a few seconds later.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28Also, the man who invented the doner kebab died this week.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30He was buried in a simple casket
0:25:30 > 0:25:32covered in unnecessary salad.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36So let's go to Round Two, now, the picture spin quiz.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46It's a dog in a Yorkshire pudding.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Would you like to elaborate?
0:25:49 > 0:25:54It's the first dog to take Yorkshire pudding across the Channel.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Yorkshire pudding and the Yorkshire Terrier indicate
0:25:59 > 0:26:01we're talking about Yorkshire,
0:26:01 > 0:26:03which is considered one of the greatest places in the world.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Any person from Yorkshire will tell you that. Indeed.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09My favourite part of Yorkshire is North Derbyshire.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15Didn't they just find a king in a car park in Yorkshire? Leicester.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19Yeah, Leicester. Leicester is nowhere near Yorkshire.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21This is the news that...
0:26:21 > 0:26:24"A car park space, a car park space, my kingdom for a car park space,"
0:26:24 > 0:26:25is one of the lines in Shakespeare.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Beautiful line, that. He wrote it when it was raining. Yeah.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30But you do it better than anyone I've heard.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Yeah, but you never heard anybody else do it. No.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35MAX: It was during his reign when it was raining.
0:26:37 > 0:26:38I'm going to write that down.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40LAUGHTER
0:26:40 > 0:26:43There's "reign", and then "rain". It's a pun, isn't it?
0:26:43 > 0:26:44Yeah, Paul, you got it right.
0:26:44 > 0:26:49R-E-I-G-N. And the other one is R-A-I-N. Yeah, I've got that.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:52 > 0:26:56The lonely Planet guide has declared that as places to visit,
0:26:56 > 0:26:59not live in, Yorkshire is the third best region in the world,
0:26:59 > 0:27:02and Scotland is the third best country.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yay!
0:27:05 > 0:27:07God bless you for that!
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Yeah. Even if she's working you with her foot.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Which countries are more welcoming than Scotland?
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Is it an island or something like that?
0:27:17 > 0:27:18No, Brazil, which is fair enough.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Then Antarctica.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Have you heard about the Yorkshire country and western singer,
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Tex Piss?
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Tex Piss? Tex Piss, in't it?
0:27:30 > 0:27:34No, I haven't heard about him. What about him?
0:27:34 > 0:27:35Do you know any of his tunes?
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Do you? Oh, yeah, he's...
0:27:38 > 0:27:41# Oh, it's raining
0:27:43 > 0:27:45# Rumpy...
0:27:45 > 0:27:49# I long to be back in North Derbyshire... #
0:27:49 > 0:27:51APPLAUSE
0:27:53 > 0:27:55This is the story that Yorkshire has been named
0:27:55 > 0:27:58third best region in the world. In July next year,
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Yorkshire will host the first two stages of the Tour de France,
0:28:01 > 0:28:04with a flat stage from Leeds to Harrogate followed by...
0:28:07 > 0:28:10..which is expected to be won by an old man in a bathtub.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14The first foreigner to play cricket for Yorkshire was Indian maestro
0:28:14 > 0:28:19Sachin Tendulkar, famous for making 100 international centuries.
0:28:19 > 0:28:23Even Geoffrey Boycott lavished him with his highest praise,
0:28:23 > 0:28:24describing him as "rubbish".
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Right. Fingers on buttons, teams.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37LAUGHTER
0:28:37 > 0:28:39Ah! BUZZER
0:28:39 > 0:28:43Tony and Paul? Oh! Yes! No! Frankie Howerd. Oh! No! Yes!
0:28:43 > 0:28:45This is Britney Spears.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48Somali pirates are being put off attacking ships
0:28:48 > 0:28:51because they're playing her music at an incredibly low volume.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53They come running towards them, they hear it,
0:28:53 > 0:28:55go, "It'll be a short single, oh, no, it's the whole album,"
0:28:55 > 0:28:57and then they go back to Somalia.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00And so he is disturbed by the fact that she's singing
0:29:00 > 0:29:01and that is what it is.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04You're quite right, Paul. This is indeed the news
0:29:04 > 0:29:06Britney Spears' music is being used to scare off pirates.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09Apparently they prepare "Arr Kelly".
0:29:09 > 0:29:10GROANING
0:29:10 > 0:29:13Any ideas which Britney songs are being played?
0:29:13 > 0:29:16I don't really know that much of her recorded oeuvre.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19Ian, perhaps you're an expert on this.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22I just thought there were so many I could have said, yes.
0:29:22 > 0:29:24I've Got A Yellow Inflatable Snake?
0:29:24 > 0:29:26No. According to the Sun...
0:29:29 > 0:29:31Well, that's because
0:29:31 > 0:29:34the Somali pirates are generally sort of against domestic violence.
0:29:34 > 0:29:36I think they're quite keen on violence, really.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39No, they're more into gun violence,
0:29:39 > 0:29:42shooty shooty, fine, just not hitty hitty.
0:29:42 > 0:29:44MAX: That's their code, isn't it?
0:29:44 > 0:29:46That's the Somali code.
0:29:46 > 0:29:49This is the news that ships off the coast of Africa have been keeping
0:29:49 > 0:29:53Somali pirates at bay by blasting out songs by Britney Spears.
0:29:53 > 0:29:56Britney is proving effective in scaring off pirates,
0:29:56 > 0:29:59mainly because when Africans hear the sound of a washed-up blonde
0:29:59 > 0:30:02American pop star, they assume she's come to adopt their children.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07APPLAUSE
0:30:07 > 0:30:09Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:30:14 > 0:30:15BELL
0:30:15 > 0:30:18Max and Ian. Royal Mail is being privatised
0:30:18 > 0:30:21and this is a gentleman who's quite upset
0:30:21 > 0:30:23that the price of his mail just went up. No.
0:30:23 > 0:30:24Well, you're right,
0:30:24 > 0:30:27but this is a guy who is upset about something that is happening
0:30:27 > 0:30:31within the Royal Mail system, but it's not to do with privatisation.
0:30:31 > 0:30:33He got a letter delivered?
0:30:33 > 0:30:38No, he is a stamp collector called Angus McDonagh, and he has
0:30:38 > 0:30:43this week admitted creating and using his own self-designed stamps.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46He calls himself the anarchist philatelist.
0:30:46 > 0:30:47He told the Telegraph...
0:30:52 > 0:30:54So let's take a little look at how he acted, then.
0:30:54 > 0:30:56This is, I think
0:30:56 > 0:30:58that's supposed to be French.
0:30:58 > 0:31:03I'm not sure if that's particular to any country. He said...
0:31:13 > 0:31:16Shall we take a look at the one he did for Christmas?
0:31:16 > 0:31:18Yes. Actually that.
0:31:18 > 0:31:21MAX: I didn't see that coming.
0:31:21 > 0:31:25He doesn't even have Photoshop, he's just doing it on his phone.
0:31:25 > 0:31:27They're so rubbish.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29According to the Daily Express,
0:31:29 > 0:31:30he has sent the Royal Mail...
0:31:36 > 0:31:39If he wanted the Royal Mail to get the money,
0:31:39 > 0:31:42he should have put it in a birthday card.
0:31:45 > 0:31:47Right, it's time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50One between you this week. Your four are...
0:31:50 > 0:31:51Sir James Dyson,
0:31:51 > 0:31:53Our Man In Havana,
0:31:53 > 0:31:55Khalid Sheikh Mohammed,
0:31:55 > 0:31:57and Dutch artist Dan Roosegaarde.
0:31:57 > 0:31:59BELL
0:31:59 > 0:32:02Dyson invented a vacuum cleaner.
0:32:02 > 0:32:04In the Graham Greene novel
0:32:04 > 0:32:09Our Man In Havana was a vacuum cleaner salesman...
0:32:09 > 0:32:13I've no idea who the man on the bottom right is,
0:32:13 > 0:32:17and he's a terrorist.
0:32:17 > 0:32:19Khalid Sheikh Mohammed?
0:32:19 > 0:32:21So the link is vacuum cleaners.
0:32:21 > 0:32:24The link is vacuum cleaners, but can you tell me who the odd one out is?
0:32:24 > 0:32:31Did he attempt to suck a US embassy into a machine?
0:32:31 > 0:32:35No. No? Who is this man?
0:32:35 > 0:32:37At the bottom, bottom right?
0:32:37 > 0:32:39He's the artist, Dan Roosegaarde.
0:32:39 > 0:32:41Does he draw vacuum cleaners?
0:32:41 > 0:32:45There must be an installation using parts of vacuum cleaners, I imagine.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47They've all designed a vacuum cleaner except James Wormold,
0:32:47 > 0:32:50the spy from Our Man In Havana... Who sold them.
0:32:50 > 0:32:52Yeah, he didn't design a vacuum cleaner, but he did pretend
0:32:52 > 0:32:56vacuum cleaner designs were in fact sketches of secret military installations.
0:32:56 > 0:32:59Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was revealed recently,
0:32:59 > 0:33:02this Al-Qaeda big shot and all-around pain in the backside.
0:33:02 > 0:33:06He asked his jailers to let him design a vacuum cleaner.
0:33:06 > 0:33:08The CIA had a policy of allowing their detainees
0:33:08 > 0:33:10to do this sort of thing. They said...
0:33:14 > 0:33:15Yeah, I know.
0:33:15 > 0:33:16But it's one of those things -
0:33:16 > 0:33:18he builds his vacuum cleaner, then the next day,
0:33:18 > 0:33:21he assembles it all and it's a boat or a flying plane or something.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24He escapes. Yeah, you've got to keep your eye on 'em. Exactly.
0:33:24 > 0:33:26"Oh, a vacuum cleaner, is it?
0:33:26 > 0:33:27"With a jet pack?"
0:33:28 > 0:33:30"Jet pack vacuum cleaner - ha-ha!"
0:33:30 > 0:33:31Brrrghhh!
0:33:31 > 0:33:34"Ow, ow, ow! Paul was right, this is rubbish!"
0:33:36 > 0:33:39So Graham Greene, of course, wrote Our Man In Havana.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41In 1949, the New Statesman held a contest,
0:33:41 > 0:33:45inviting readers to send in parodies of Graham Greene's style.
0:33:45 > 0:33:47Do we know what happened in that competition?
0:33:47 > 0:33:48No, what did happen?
0:33:48 > 0:33:51Well, Greene himself entered under a pseudonym -
0:33:51 > 0:33:52and came second.
0:33:53 > 0:33:56Daan Roosegaarde is the Dutch designer.
0:33:56 > 0:33:58He was the guy in the blue period there, Ian.
0:33:58 > 0:34:00And he claims to have come up with a way
0:34:00 > 0:34:02of clearing up Beijing's pollution.
0:34:02 > 0:34:04He says laying copper coils in the ground
0:34:04 > 0:34:07and running a current through them will attract smog particles
0:34:07 > 0:34:10so they can be hoovered up more easily.
0:34:10 > 0:34:11That's brilliant.
0:34:11 > 0:34:13Or nonsense, depending on your point of view.
0:34:13 > 0:34:16Roosegaarde says - you wonder will that possibly work.
0:34:16 > 0:34:17He says...
0:34:27 > 0:34:29That's a no, then, isn't it?
0:34:29 > 0:34:31No-one's invented the merge button yet.
0:34:31 > 0:34:33You can't really create imagination, can you?
0:34:33 > 0:34:35You can be imaginative, but you can't create imagination.
0:34:35 > 0:34:38Well, he was speaking in his second language.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40I think it's lost something in translation.
0:34:40 > 0:34:42"DUTCH" ACCENT: "You know, merging de imaginations."
0:34:42 > 0:34:44Hm. "You know?"
0:34:44 > 0:34:45Is that Yorkshire?
0:34:45 > 0:34:49"DUTCH" ACCENT: "Yes - I come from, you know...Sheffield?
0:34:50 > 0:34:52"It's pretty cool.
0:34:52 > 0:34:53"You know, the old steel town.
0:34:54 > 0:34:55"Used to make a lot of steel,
0:34:55 > 0:34:58"now we, you know...don't make so much steel no more.
0:35:00 > 0:35:03"We make rock bands, like Arctic Monkeys."
0:35:06 > 0:35:08They have all designed a vacuum cleaner,
0:35:08 > 0:35:11except for James Wormold, the spy from Our Man In Havana,
0:35:11 > 0:35:13who didn't design one,
0:35:13 > 0:35:15but he did pretend the vacuum cleaner designs
0:35:15 > 0:35:18were sketches of secret military installations.
0:35:18 > 0:35:209/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed
0:35:20 > 0:35:24has complained this week that courtroom artist Janet Hamlin
0:35:24 > 0:35:25drew his nose too big.
0:35:25 > 0:35:27According to the Telegraph...
0:35:31 > 0:35:32She wasn't the only one.
0:35:33 > 0:35:37Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was in fact captured a decade ago
0:35:37 > 0:35:40and has spent a lot of that time in solitary confinement.
0:35:40 > 0:35:42What on earth would a man in solitary confinement
0:35:42 > 0:35:44do with a vacuum...?
0:35:47 > 0:35:48Dutch artist Daan Roosegaarde
0:35:48 > 0:35:52is attempting to tackle China's air pollution problem by using...
0:35:55 > 0:35:59Only this week, Beijing has had to cope with record levels of smog.
0:35:59 > 0:36:02This comes just three weeks after the visit of George Osborne,
0:36:02 > 0:36:04when they had to cope with record levels of smug.
0:36:06 > 0:36:09It's time now for the Missing Words round,
0:36:09 > 0:36:11which this week features as its guest publication...
0:36:11 > 0:36:15Parrot, the magazine of the Parrot Society UK.
0:36:15 > 0:36:17To be honest, whatever it's got on say,
0:36:17 > 0:36:18we've heard it all before.
0:36:19 > 0:36:21And we start with...
0:36:26 > 0:36:28Pirate?
0:36:29 > 0:36:30Came out to his parents.
0:36:35 > 0:36:37"I prefer cockatiels, Mum and Dad."
0:36:38 > 0:36:43The answer is "Alan Fletcher went into a pet shop 25 years ago
0:36:43 > 0:36:46"to buy a cockatiel and came out
0:36:46 > 0:36:47"with a Chattering Lory."
0:36:47 > 0:36:49Next...
0:36:52 > 0:36:53Sorry.
0:36:54 > 0:36:56On a sex robot.
0:36:56 > 0:36:59Built in Korea. He's also an ex-astronaut.
0:36:59 > 0:37:00Nobody cares about that, though.
0:37:02 > 0:37:05That made no sense at all, did it? No.
0:37:05 > 0:37:09The answer is Gordon Brown said, "I'm an ex-politician now."
0:37:09 > 0:37:10Next...
0:37:13 > 0:37:14Knob?
0:37:16 > 0:37:19Just wapped it out on Newsnight - everyone's like, "What?! No!
0:37:19 > 0:37:21"Dude, put that away, man!
0:37:23 > 0:37:24"People respect you."
0:37:25 > 0:37:27Jeremy Paxman reveals that he is a pretty boy.
0:37:27 > 0:37:32No - Jeremy Paxman reveals he is an anti-litter crusader.
0:37:32 > 0:37:33According to the Telegraph...
0:37:37 > 0:37:39And routinely people who don't.
0:37:40 > 0:37:41Next...
0:37:44 > 0:37:47Found riding Shergar in Zimbabwe.
0:37:49 > 0:37:52Lord Lucan's driver found his employer "a bit murdery".
0:37:55 > 0:37:56Lord Lucan?
0:37:57 > 0:38:00He was in the back the whole time!
0:38:00 > 0:38:02Found in the attic, it's golf clubs in fact.
0:38:02 > 0:38:04It is.
0:38:11 > 0:38:13..by looking up.
0:38:18 > 0:38:20What are you doing? What are you doing? Give them a job.
0:38:29 > 0:38:31You can always tell
0:38:31 > 0:38:33when a parrot thief is about to break into your house,
0:38:33 > 0:38:35he'll climb up a ladder and then ring a bell.
0:38:38 > 0:38:40Next...
0:38:41 > 0:38:42Twerk?
0:38:43 > 0:38:45What is twerking, Ian?
0:38:45 > 0:38:47It's...
0:38:47 > 0:38:49LAUGHTER
0:38:49 > 0:38:52I think a demonstration says so much more than words. I think it does.
0:38:56 > 0:38:58The answer is...
0:39:02 > 0:39:05Sounds like something I would have said.
0:39:05 > 0:39:07And finally...
0:39:10 > 0:39:12We will not let him go.
0:39:17 > 0:39:19Doesn't like his middle name.
0:39:21 > 0:39:23Is it something a parrot says? Must be.
0:39:23 > 0:39:26It's the only thing... It's a parrot who's been living next to a mosque.
0:39:26 > 0:39:29Yeah. Yeah. The answer is...
0:39:29 > 0:39:31I've just made that up.
0:39:37 > 0:39:39APPLAUSE
0:39:40 > 0:39:44This is from Parrot Magazine, free in this month's issue
0:39:44 > 0:39:46is a great absorbent liner for your bird cage floor.
0:39:46 > 0:39:48Actually, what I mean is,
0:39:48 > 0:39:50this month's issue makes a great absorbent liner
0:39:50 > 0:39:52for your bird cage floor.
0:39:52 > 0:39:55So, the final scores are...
0:39:55 > 0:39:56Max and Ian have 7.
0:39:56 > 0:39:58Tony and Paul have 8.
0:39:59 > 0:40:01APPLAUSE
0:40:05 > 0:40:08But, before we go, there is just time for the Caption Competition.
0:40:09 > 0:40:11Oh.
0:40:11 > 0:40:12Mine's a bit tight.
0:40:16 > 0:40:19Ah.
0:40:19 > 0:40:20Oh, it's chafing.
0:40:20 > 0:40:22MAX: No, mine's all right, really.
0:40:24 > 0:40:25Pig confused by mirror.
0:40:28 > 0:40:30TONY: Why did we have to meet in this industrial wasteland?
0:40:32 > 0:40:34It's the most romantic spot in Yorkshire.
0:40:35 > 0:40:39On which note, we say thank you to our panellists Ian Hislop
0:40:39 > 0:40:42and Max Keiser, Paul Merton and Tony Law.
0:40:42 > 0:40:43I leave you with the news
0:40:43 > 0:40:45that on the set of the new Transformers movie,
0:40:45 > 0:40:48one of the extras gives up queuing for the toilet.
0:40:54 > 0:40:56Very good.
0:40:56 > 0:40:58Deep in the Mediterranean, archaeologists discover
0:40:58 > 0:41:00that the lost city of Atlantis
0:41:00 > 0:41:03was flooded during an ancient Minoan party conference.
0:41:09 > 0:41:13And after severing his hand in a thresher, a Yorkshire farmer
0:41:13 > 0:41:16celebrates the first stage of grafting on a replacement.
0:41:22 > 0:41:23Good night.
0:41:24 > 0:41:28Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd