0:00:37 > 0:00:39Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42I'm Jack Whitehall. In the news this week,
0:00:42 > 0:00:44following a visit from health and safety advisors,
0:00:44 > 0:00:46changes are made to the format
0:00:46 > 0:00:48of the BBC's new celebrity diving show...
0:00:53 > 0:00:56During a live broadcast from Sri Lanka, Nick Robinson
0:00:56 > 0:00:59waits for a suitable moment to tell his colleague
0:00:59 > 0:01:02that a massive tarantula is crawling up the back of his neck...
0:01:09 > 0:01:13And on Saturday Kitchen, a food critic explains
0:01:13 > 0:01:16the new equivalent of the Michelin star guide for curry houses.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25On Ian's team tonight is a journalist and broadcaster who,
0:01:25 > 0:01:29when recently asked who the most famous person in her phonebook was,
0:01:29 > 0:01:30said "Elton and David".
0:01:30 > 0:01:35Wow, Elton Welsby and David Dickinson? Respect!
0:01:35 > 0:01:37It's Janet Street-Porter.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38APPLAUSE
0:01:42 > 0:01:45And with Paul tonight is a broadcaster who,
0:01:45 > 0:01:47as a reporter for Live TV,
0:01:47 > 0:01:49was once banned from Parliament for turning up there
0:01:49 > 0:01:52with the News Bunny, a historic incident
0:01:52 > 0:01:55recently condemned on Newsnight by the Cookie Monster.
0:01:55 > 0:01:56Please welcome Richard Bacon.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58APPLAUSE
0:02:01 > 0:02:03And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Ian and Janet, take a look at this.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10That's the two Eds rejecting his ideas. "Nope!"
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Aw, look, the Crystal Methodist.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Do you know, that man's younger than me.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19And look at him. Unbelievable. Anyone would think he took drugs(!)
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Ex-chairman of the Co-op Bank, Paul Flowers,
0:02:23 > 0:02:26what exactly has he done to embarrass the Labour Party?
0:02:26 > 0:02:30What hasn't he done? Shall we put lots of "allegeds" in?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33No! I've got a statement with a lot of "allegeds".
0:02:33 > 0:02:36He has been filmed allegedly trying to buy a variety of drugs
0:02:36 > 0:02:38from a dealer only days after being grilled
0:02:38 > 0:02:40by a Treasury select committee.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Are you sure you shouldn't say he's allegedly been filmed
0:02:43 > 0:02:45allegedly buying alleged drugs?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Because I don't think you can prove any of those things.
0:02:48 > 0:02:49Allegedly, he was...
0:02:49 > 0:02:53No, he was definitely grilled by the Treasury select committee inquiry.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55And the bank definitely collapsed, so we can say that,
0:02:55 > 0:02:57and he was definitely the chairman,
0:02:57 > 0:02:59but all the other stuff is alleged.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Can we say anything if we say "allegedly"?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Allegedly he murdered a load of puppies
0:03:04 > 0:03:06and threw them in the Thames.
0:03:06 > 0:03:11What's amazing is that he got the job of running a bank
0:03:11 > 0:03:14with absolutely no experience whatsoever.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Yeah, can you imagine a coke-sniffing idiot
0:03:16 > 0:03:18running a major bank(?)
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Is it one of the questions you would ask a Methodist preacher?
0:03:21 > 0:03:23"Are you addicted to crystal meth?"
0:03:23 > 0:03:25It's probably not on the standard form, is it?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27I think it should be from now.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29It was quite a cocktail of drugs, wasn't it,
0:03:29 > 0:03:30that he was allegedly taking?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33I think there was crystal meth. Yeah, ketamine, that other one.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Ian's favourite, meow meow. Meow meow.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Snuff! Bit of snuff there, Ian.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Unbelievable. RICHARD: What is ketamine?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44JANET: Horse tranquiliser.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45Richard's playing innocent(!)
0:03:48 > 0:03:50"I don't know what ketamine is".
0:03:50 > 0:03:54What sort of party is it where you want to tranquilise a horse anyway?
0:03:54 > 0:03:56How can that be the highlight of the evening?
0:03:56 > 0:03:59"He's nearly asleep. Hey-hey!"
0:03:59 > 0:04:01I don't know about you, but I think any public figure
0:04:01 > 0:04:05that's caught doing drugs, there should be no second chances.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08That's just the three of us on the show, is it?
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Yeah, well, no, me and Janet had a bit of a night out once and...
0:04:11 > 0:04:14No, we won't get into it. No, I've never done Class A drugs.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16I don't know about Richard.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19No, you do know. You do know! You do know.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21I definitely have.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Janet, have you ever been offered drugs?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Someone offered to tranquilise Janet at a party.
0:04:26 > 0:04:27Very good.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31This man, this was all on his record.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Ed Miliband put him on his advisory board.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Yes. For industry and business! Yes!
0:04:36 > 0:04:40This man, he barely got Banking Part Ones.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42He gave up to become a Methodist minister.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44He knows nothing about banking.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48He made a series of absolutely colossal mistakes, took the money.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51He's been fired from a charity for fiddling his expenses.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53He was removed from a local council for having gay porn...
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Then he became governor of a primary school. Yes.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58Perfect job(!) Yep.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01This man was put in charge of a major bank,
0:05:01 > 0:05:03and then proceeded to lose ?1.5 billion.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06He's got to pay for his habit somehow.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10But he does present tremendous problems for the Labour Party
0:05:10 > 0:05:13because the Co-op is bankrolling so many MPs. I mean, how many is it?
0:05:13 > 0:05:1432 or something.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Well, the Co-op Bank sponsors many Labour MPs.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Paul Flowers is part of the Co-op Bank's political...
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Sorry, I had to reread this cos we changed it, cos it's legal.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Does it become more legal the closer you get to it?
0:05:28 > 0:05:31By the time you're down there, it's a super-injunction.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Basically, someone at the bank...
0:05:35 > 0:05:39the Political Strategy Working Group arranged for ?1.2 million worth
0:05:39 > 0:05:43of loans to the Labour Party as well as ?50,000 donation to Ed Balls.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Maybe he's providing a public service, cos some of the texts
0:05:46 > 0:05:49were extraordinarily grotty, and there was one text...
0:05:49 > 0:05:51JANET: You mean you've never sent a grotty text
0:05:51 > 0:05:53back in your coke-snorting days?
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Thank you, Janet...
0:05:54 > 0:05:57I bet when you were off your trolley, you sent a few embarrassing texts.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01Well, it was pre-texting, actually.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Semaphore?
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Semaphore signals. "I'm out of it."
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Oh! They were...
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Yeah.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16I did send some deranged texts
0:06:16 > 0:06:19but they were still less unhinged than your columns.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Jerry! Jerry!
0:06:23 > 0:06:25They didn't end up in the tabloids, though.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29Your columns always end up in the tabloids. That's the idea!
0:06:29 > 0:06:33What else has emerged about Miliband and Balls this week?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Here they are having a staring competition in a hotel room.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Is that the e-mails? Yeah.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Was there some e-mail this week that said Ed Miliband's team
0:06:40 > 0:06:42find Ed Balls' team a nightmare?
0:06:42 > 0:06:45The rift came about because e-mails between their senior advisors
0:06:45 > 0:06:47were sent by accident to a Tory MP
0:06:47 > 0:06:49in a so-called "fat finger" incident.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52They revealed that Miliband's team think Balls is...
0:06:53 > 0:06:56..leading The Express to run the headline...
0:07:02 > 0:07:05So it was sent to a Tory MP who had the same name as someone
0:07:05 > 0:07:08within the party. There's an MP with your name.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Yes, there's a Conservative MP for South Norfolk
0:07:10 > 0:07:12also called Richard Bacon.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15In fact, it was that Richard Bacon that took the drugs.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17I don't think you should say that.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Anyway, what scoop about Miliband and Balls
0:07:21 > 0:07:23did The Sun startle us with this week?
0:07:23 > 0:07:24It was that...
0:07:29 > 0:07:32How extraordinary, people working together for all that time,
0:07:32 > 0:07:33never been to the pub together.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36No. Can't imagine it. No, neither can I.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Still with the Labour Party... Yes! ..who is this?
0:07:41 > 0:07:44JANET: Oh, Denis MacShane! Yes, it was a Euro fiddle.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46He claimed this money and he's admitted it
0:07:46 > 0:07:48and we're waiting for sentence,
0:07:48 > 0:07:50but it doesn't look good for him
0:07:50 > 0:07:53because he's currently going out with Vicky Pryce.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Who's got an eye for blokes, hasn't she, really?
0:07:56 > 0:08:00Yeah. Do you know what he called his actions?
0:08:00 > 0:08:01Regrettable?
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Inappropriate. Profitable.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06He referred to them as this...
0:08:08 > 0:08:10..although everyone else calls it this...
0:08:13 > 0:08:18Yes, so he's recently been spotted squiring, er, Vicky Pryce...
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Squiring?! Sorry. Sorry, I know, I don't know what century I'm in.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Are we in the 19th century?! Sorry, sorry. Courting.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Is that your posh pronunciation for screwing? What on earth is that?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Squiring. Squiring. Squiring.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32I've been squiring you.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Yes, this has been a bad week for the Labour Party.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36Former Labour councillor
0:08:36 > 0:08:39and Co-op boss Paul Flowers was secretly filmed buying drugs.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41According to The Telegraph...
0:08:46 > 0:08:49I don't know. If you can trust random strangers you meet on Grindr
0:08:49 > 0:08:52for sex, who can you trust?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Also, did anyone see how Mark Austin addressed
0:08:55 > 0:08:57ITV's News At Ten viewers this week?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59No. Would you like to?
0:08:59 > 0:09:00Yes. Yeah. Yeah.
0:09:00 > 0:09:05'This is ITV News At Ten with Mark Austin and Julie Etchingham.'
0:09:07 > 0:09:08Good evening, paedophiles...
0:09:14 > 0:09:15Brilliant.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24And people say commas aren't important.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Paul and Richard, take a look at this.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Yes. This is Spain. The RAF...
0:09:30 > 0:09:34That's the crystal meth that he was snorting. There he is.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38That's Canada's Paul Flowers. Yeah, he's their version of our bloke.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41It might be the same bloke, in fact. Rob Ford. Rob Ford. Rob Ford.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43The Toronto mayor. Fantastic.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Can I ask you about Prince Charles first? Go ahead. Yes, 65th birthday.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Yes. It's related to international politics.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52It's been an especially important week for Prince Charles. Why's that?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54He went to Sri Lanka, didn't he,
0:09:54 > 0:09:56to chair the Commonwealth Heads of Government meeting,
0:09:56 > 0:09:58and he stepped in for his mother. Yes.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Who is the Queen. Who is the Queen!
0:10:01 > 0:10:03That's breaking news, by the way. Breaking news.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06And Sri Lanka...
0:10:06 > 0:10:09the government there have a terrible human rights record,
0:10:09 > 0:10:11so it's a bit of a thorny issue for Prince Charles. Yes.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13What, according to The Times,
0:10:13 > 0:10:15was the trickiest test of his diplomacy skills?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17He was given a cake. Cakes, it was cake. A 65th cake.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21Was he given six cakes? He was given several cakes. No, not six.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22Five cakes, including...
0:10:28 > 0:10:29Crafted, according to The Times...
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Well, he'll probably want to know they're all ethically sourced.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40And if you're Paul Flowers,
0:10:40 > 0:10:42a little bit of hash just sprinkled over the top.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Yeah, I was going to have hash in my first wedding cake.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Were you? Mm.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47But the dealer didn't turn up.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53Have I lived a very sheltered life? Well, it was the '60s.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55This is a slight shift from your earlier statement. Yes.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58A shift from your earlier statement, "I have never taken drugs".
0:10:58 > 0:11:00No, I said never taken Class A drugs.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03What I said was, it was 1967, Summer of Love,
0:11:03 > 0:11:07I was going to have hash in my wedding cake. Is that an excuse?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Well... It was '67.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12I've heard that excuse recently from a lot of broadcasters.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Actually, I made the cake and there was nothing in it,
0:11:16 > 0:11:18but word must have got back to Chelsea police,
0:11:18 > 0:11:20cos they raided my flat a few weeks later
0:11:20 > 0:11:23and took the cake for forensic testing.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Did you ever get it back?
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Yes, but it had holes drilled all the way through it.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Who DID mention Sri Lanka's dodgy human rights record?
0:11:31 > 0:11:34RICHARD: David Cameron did. One man was not impressed, though.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37JANET: Cricketer. The cricketer, Muttiah M-M-M...
0:11:37 > 0:11:38Muralitharan.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41His mates call him Bob. Um...
0:11:42 > 0:11:47You're not... Muralitharan? Him! That's the badger. Yeah.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Good grief, he's pronounced the name of some foreign Johnny.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Quite a famous cricketer. Foreign Johnny?
0:11:55 > 0:11:59I mean, your banter's from 1954.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01It was meant to be an ironic reference to the fact that
0:12:01 > 0:12:03we should try and be able to pronounce Sri Lankan names.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07They are not that hard. I am much obliged, my learned friend. Thank you.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09I refer you to my previous witness. Mr Whitehall.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13Muttiah Muralitharan... Where were you on October the 24th...
0:12:13 > 0:12:16between the hours of 5.30 and 7.30 on the King's Road?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18I'd stolen a wedding cake and...
0:12:19 > 0:12:23Where else has Britain been flexing its colonial muscles this week?
0:12:23 > 0:12:24This was Gibraltar, wasn't it,
0:12:24 > 0:12:26when a Spanish vessel strayed into British waters.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28And our Navy had to see them off.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30QUEEN'S VOICE: Please go away!
0:12:30 > 0:12:32That was it, really. There is it.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33JANET: Yeah.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38It's the final vessel in the British Navy. Yeah.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39There is it.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Technically, this almost went to war with Spain.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Yeah, almost went to war with Spain, but didn't quite.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47How did they persuade the boat to leave?
0:12:47 > 0:12:50According to The Telegraph, officers from HMS Sabre
0:12:50 > 0:12:53told the captain of the Spanish vessel...
0:13:02 > 0:13:03And the Spanish replied ...
0:13:09 > 0:13:12So, what were the Spanish doing there, anyway?
0:13:12 > 0:13:15According to the British Navy, "provocative incursioning".
0:13:16 > 0:13:21However, according to them, they were "surveying the waters".
0:13:21 > 0:13:24You say "tomato" I say..."tom-ato".
0:13:25 > 0:13:27The Royal Navy source said...
0:13:33 > 0:13:34Ramming a probe?
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Yes, said Vice Admiral Julian Clary.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40How have we been winding up the Spanish
0:13:40 > 0:13:42recently in a footballing sense...
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Ian?
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Britain has encouraged Gibraltar to apply to become the newest
0:13:50 > 0:13:52and smallest member of UEFA,
0:13:52 > 0:13:55which would mean it would be able to qualify for European tournaments,
0:13:55 > 0:13:56if it wasn't so rubbish.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00Do you know what Gibraltar's biggest ever international win was?
0:14:00 > 0:14:021-0. 2-0. No.
0:14:02 > 0:14:053-0. Yeah, we could be here all night.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Gibraltar's biggest ever win is...
0:14:11 > 0:14:15Although, to be fair, Sark's back four consisted of the postmistress,
0:14:15 > 0:14:17a couple of goats and a tree.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Staying with international news,
0:14:19 > 0:14:22who's been throwing their weight around in Toronto?
0:14:22 > 0:14:24This is Rob Ford. Rob Ford, the mayor.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27He's a bit out of control, isn't he? And they can't do anything about it.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30They can't get rid of him and he's basically said,
0:14:30 > 0:14:32"Yeah, I did crack cocaine, but I was completely pissed at the time."
0:14:32 > 0:14:34That's kind of been his defence.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Haven't they got rid of him by now, though? Hasn't he gone?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39No, no, he's still staying. Is he still clinging on?
0:14:39 > 0:14:41They can't get rid of him.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43People these days do resign at the drop of a hat.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46It's hard not to slightly admire the guy, when he's this bang to rights.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49He's been caught on video smoking crack cocaine...
0:14:49 > 0:14:52So don't worry, Rob Ford, Richard Bacon is throwing his weight
0:14:52 > 0:14:54behind you, so you're going to be all right.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Let me tell you the best fact of the week.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57This is the best fact of the week.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00When he admitted that he'd smoked crack cocaine,
0:15:00 > 0:15:03his approval ratings went up.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Boris, if you're watching...
0:15:08 > 0:15:10But how low were they?
0:15:10 > 0:15:14It might be just the crack dealers going, "Yeah..."
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Have you got the footage of when he ran around the Parliament...?
0:15:17 > 0:15:18Oh, I have.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22This is him running around the City Hall debating chamber
0:15:22 > 0:15:23and knocking over a pensioner.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Buffet's open!
0:15:31 > 0:15:33The Toronto Council had just stripped him
0:15:33 > 0:15:35of most of his powers after it emerged that he had,
0:15:35 > 0:15:39at various times, smoked crack on camera, driven while drunk,
0:15:39 > 0:15:41sexually harassed a colleague
0:15:41 > 0:15:43and talked on television about giving her oral sex,
0:15:43 > 0:15:45racially abused a taxi driver,
0:15:45 > 0:15:47and been caught in a hotel room with prostitutes.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51In Italy, they'd probably make him Prime Minister.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53APPLAUSE
0:15:53 > 0:15:56His defence was good, as well. He said...
0:15:58 > 0:16:02Yeah, but not all the mistakes at once! Not in one night.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05You don't have the oral sex clip, do you, where he was talking about that?
0:16:05 > 0:16:08We don't have that, the oral sex clip, no.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11I'd forgotten we're on BBC One at nine o'clock on Friday.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Newsnight's got it at 10.30. Yeah.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Mark Austin's going to be showing it to all the paedophiles
0:16:16 > 0:16:18that are watching.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Shall we have a look at a clip of Rob Ford in happier times?
0:16:21 > 0:16:22It's open to debate.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25There's people in there are for it, and people that are against it.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28That's why we're having it. Excuse me, guys.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29BLEEP!
0:16:31 > 0:16:32Oh! Oh!
0:16:34 > 0:16:39This is a week of international turmoil, including mounting tension
0:16:39 > 0:16:40around Gibraltar.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43The Telegraph showed a map of the actual course round Gibraltar
0:16:43 > 0:16:45taken by the Spanish survey ship.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48So either they were deliberately provoking the British
0:16:48 > 0:16:50or it was the captain of the Costa Concordia
0:16:50 > 0:16:51trying to find his way back to Italy.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55According to The Guardian, following his crack-smoking escapades...
0:17:01 > 0:17:04As, in his case, a fat, red-faced man shouting, "Ho! Ho! Ho!"
0:17:04 > 0:17:06just looked like he was trying to organise a foursome.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Ian and Janet, here's another for you.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15That's the former Prime Minster, David Cameron.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17They're disappearing from history.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21The Conservative website has been redesigned,
0:17:21 > 0:17:24but during the redesign someone just pressed the delete button.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27So everything from the last ten years has gone.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Yeah. How convenient. Yes.
0:17:29 > 0:17:34So it's either an accident or a sort of psychological need to forget.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38The Rob Ford system. "Delete, gone, it's not my fault."
0:17:38 > 0:17:42All those pictures of Seb Coe and William Hague, Bullingdon Club.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Yes... Old friendships, all eradicated. Allegedly.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Allegedly, yeah.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50And all Cameron's speeches about being environmentally friendly
0:17:50 > 0:17:52and green, all that, and no-one can look up
0:17:52 > 0:17:56and check anything from the past, from the Conservative website.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59I mean, there are other... They're living in the present, aren't they?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Yeah, they've put it all behind them.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05But the Tories have done something even more sinister. What is that?
0:18:05 > 0:18:06They brought back John Major.
0:18:06 > 0:18:12He's pronounced that social mobility has frozen, ground to a halt.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16There's no chance of anyone like him getting back in the Cabinet.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19And also that was echoed by Alan Milburn, spookily enough.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21He said, in a speech in Norfolk...
0:18:32 > 0:18:35To me, from my background, I find it hilarious.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39I don't.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41John Major's obviously woken up.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Why do you think he's suddenly made the speech?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Well, there was a period of shame in this country
0:18:46 > 0:18:49after sleeping with Edwina Currie, it's ten years.
0:18:49 > 0:18:50What proportion of the Cabinet
0:18:50 > 0:18:53have been to public school? It's very high.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56But they're not all that posh. Michael Gove is quite rough.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58He's only been skiing, like, twice.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01There was someone that sprang to the defence
0:19:01 > 0:19:04of the super-rich this week. Who might that have been?
0:19:04 > 0:19:06It was Boris... Yeah. ..who said
0:19:06 > 0:19:08we should be fantastically grateful to them.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11I don't think he meant the posh generally, just the rich. Yeah.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Because they pay vast amounts of taxes. Boris said...
0:19:34 > 0:19:35Ugh!
0:19:35 > 0:19:37No chance of Sir Jimmy Carr, then.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44You don't care very much about the poor, do you, Richard?
0:19:44 > 0:19:47What is the evidence for this hatred of the poor? Video evidence.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Fire away.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Extra, extra, read all about it.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57I tell you what, I'm stuffed.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00What is that?
0:20:00 > 0:20:04What do you want? Oh, boo-hoo-hoo! Boo-hoo-hoo!
0:20:04 > 0:20:08Just, waiter, get a...get a cover or get a screen. It looks cheap.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13He was acting for a charity. Yes, thank you, Ian.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14It's called Square Meal.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17He was pretending to be someone who didn't care,
0:20:17 > 0:20:18as opposed to you, who just don't.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23I... Damn!
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Did you go to public school?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28- Y-Y-Yes. - The way you said "Y-Y-Yes".
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Either you did, or you bloody well didn't. So you did.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33- Yes, I did. - Paul, did you go to public school?
0:20:33 > 0:20:37No, I was found in a ditch outside a comprehensive.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40You went to public school. Ian, did you go to public school?
0:20:40 > 0:20:45Yes, I did, Janet. So that's 60% of this panel went to public school.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Yeah. Instead of 7%, which it should be.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52So I suggest at least 53% of us leave.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55This is the Conservative Party showing the country
0:20:55 > 0:20:58that they really do care about winning the next election.
0:20:58 > 0:20:59Like something out of George Orwell,
0:20:59 > 0:21:03the Tories think they can erase all record of their speeches
0:21:03 > 0:21:08just by deleting them from their own website. But they are wrong.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12For example, here is one of David Cameron's broken promises from 2009.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Turns out they're cleverer than we thought.
0:21:18 > 0:21:19According to The Independent,
0:21:19 > 0:21:22the Conservatives run the risk of being reduced to...
0:21:24 > 0:21:26"Count me in," said Paul Flowers.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30Also this week, 75-year-old David Dimbleby got a tattoo.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Talking about the roses tattooed on Cheryl Cole's bottom, David Dimbleby said...
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Well, no-one wants flowers near their bottom,
0:21:37 > 0:21:40especially if he's off his face on drugs.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Paul and Richard, here's another for you. Ah!
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Yes, this is Wales. Clearly.
0:21:51 > 0:21:56Scottish... Scotland, Scotland, time, pendulum, calendar, dates.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Calendar, Scottish dancing. I don't know.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Have they printed a load of calendars with a month missing or something?
0:22:02 > 0:22:04No. BELL
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Magdalen College, Oxford.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10It's about people within the calendar, the Scottish calendar.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12There's no Scottish people in it. Yes! That's the one!
0:22:12 > 0:22:15How was the calendar billed? "Scotland for the Scottish".
0:22:15 > 0:22:18It's billed as the 2014 Men In Kilts calendar
0:22:18 > 0:22:19and is said to be...
0:22:21 > 0:22:22However, according to The Sun...
0:22:27 > 0:22:31Janet, would you like to see some of the hot non-Scots? Yeah.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35Show me some hot men in kilts. Here's Mr February.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36And what tartan's he wearing?
0:22:36 > 0:22:38It's sort of black. Yeah.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Maybe he's going to a funeral.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44On a hot day. On a hot day. In Scotland. Quite honestly,
0:22:44 > 0:22:48it looks like they filmed it in a car park or a dogging spot in Surrey.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Are you saying it's a place you recognise?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Let's look at Mr July.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57It's the same bloke, isn't it? I think it's the same man.
0:22:57 > 0:22:58Mr September.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00April.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03I wonder if they're not on Grindr, waiting for Paul Flowers' call.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05All three of them?
0:23:05 > 0:23:08It's very hard to get reception on Grindr in the countryside.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10I'm told by someone that has Grindr.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12What is Grindr exactly?
0:23:12 > 0:23:18It's a thing where you...for men who are of a gay persuasion
0:23:18 > 0:23:21to go on and find other men of a gay persuasion
0:23:21 > 0:23:24who want to meet up and squire each other.
0:23:24 > 0:23:29This is the 2014 Men in Kilts calendar costing ?9.99
0:23:29 > 0:23:32which has outraged Scots everywhere.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34POOR SCOTTISH ACCENT: "?9.99 for a calendar?!"
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Johannesburg? Johannesburg, yeah.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41And so to round two, the Picture Spin Quiz.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52BELL That's the John Lewis Christmas ad.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53LAUGHTER
0:23:53 > 0:23:57Is this about an overweight man getting stuck in a changing room
0:23:57 > 0:24:01or something, or in a door, or...? No. The story is of the news
0:24:01 > 0:24:03of a man called John Lewis, who has been mistaken for a shop
0:24:03 > 0:24:06called John Lewis. How was the man mistaken for the shop?
0:24:06 > 0:24:10People going in and having a look round?
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Saying, "Does the price promise work here?"
0:24:14 > 0:24:17John Lewis the man, an American computer science professor,
0:24:17 > 0:24:21nipped in before the retail chain and registered the Twitter handle...
0:24:22 > 0:24:24What sort of thing does John Lewis say when people ask him
0:24:24 > 0:24:27questions about the shop? He's quite polite, I think.
0:24:27 > 0:24:28Really polite. Very polite.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31He says, "Thank you very much for getting in touch with me,
0:24:31 > 0:24:33"but I'm not the shop." Yes.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Is he looking for a wife or something?
0:24:40 > 0:24:41Why, are you interested?
0:24:41 > 0:24:44No, he's not attractive. He looks like he'd enjoy the cake.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49What have John Lewis recently spent ?7 million on?
0:24:49 > 0:24:51That saccharine advert.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54What do you think of ?7 million on that? It's disgusting.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56And actually, last Sunday night,
0:24:56 > 0:25:00when they played one advert after another during Downton Abbey,
0:25:00 > 0:25:03at the end of the evening you just thought,
0:25:03 > 0:25:06"Millions and millions of pounds wasted."
0:25:06 > 0:25:08JACK AND IAN: On Downton Abbey!
0:25:09 > 0:25:11APPLAUSE
0:25:11 > 0:25:13If there was a man called Tesco's Haggerston,
0:25:13 > 0:25:16why might he have copped some flak on Twitter this week?
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Oh, I know about that. Yeah!
0:25:18 > 0:25:22Isn't that the worst branch of Tesco, and it became a cult hit on YouTube?
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Here we are. Not on YouTube.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26What was it called? YouTube's for films, not for pictures.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28All right, all right. No, I just...
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Don't flaunt the fact you're half a century younger than me.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33No! We were all just thinking, "Half a century?
0:25:33 > 0:25:35"Bloody hell!
0:25:35 > 0:25:37"She's in good nick."
0:25:37 > 0:25:38Um...
0:25:38 > 0:25:41He's called James Allan and he started creating a picture blog.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45That's not very Christmassy, is it? Here's the stock levels.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48JANET: Yeah. Here's the state of the aisles.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50And here... here's the lunchtime meal deal.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54I'm sorry. What is wrong...?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56?2 for a can of Stella and an egg sandwich?
0:25:56 > 0:25:58That's the best meal deal ever!
0:26:00 > 0:26:01You don't know you're born, mate.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07This is Mr John Lewis, who has been deluged with thousands of tweets
0:26:07 > 0:26:09meant for the John Lewis department store.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11He's responded very politely to all of them,
0:26:11 > 0:26:15unlike 87-year-old Gloucestershire resident Ann Summers.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18LAUGHTER
0:26:18 > 0:26:21This year's John Lewis advert features a cartoon bear and a hare.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25It cost ?7 million to make and it's based on Aesop's fable
0:26:25 > 0:26:28about a gullible shopkeeper and a cynical advertising agency.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Also this week, Tie Rack has announced
0:26:34 > 0:26:36it is to close in the UK, which is surprising,
0:26:36 > 0:26:38as in a recession people need ties more than ever
0:26:38 > 0:26:42for job interviews, court appearances and to hang themselves.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Merry Christmas, everyone!
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55BUZZER
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Is this about a "selfie" becoming the latest addition
0:26:59 > 0:27:01to the Oxford Dictionary? Yes, correct.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03"Selfie" is the word of 2013.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Rembrandt used to do them.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Slightly longer, but it's the same thing. Word of the year.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14There were some other contenders, though.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Fingers on buzzers if you can define them.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18Firstly, showrooming.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21BELL Vintage cars.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24LAUGHTER
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Oddly not.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29To examine a product at a shop
0:27:29 > 0:27:32before buying it online at a lower price.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Oh, yes, yes. Twerk.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Oh! Oh! Oh, no! My buzzer's not going off!
0:27:37 > 0:27:41It's the blue one. Oh! On the wrong one. You're pressing the light.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Oh, no! It's partly an intelligence test, to be honest.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49It's a sort of a dance, it's a backward movement,
0:27:49 > 0:27:51it's a gyration, isn't it? Yeah.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Miley Cyrus, the twerking. She did the twerking.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57The dancing. Ian, are you au fait with twerking?
0:27:57 > 0:27:59It's everywhere.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Twerking Men's Clubs everywhere.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Everything.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Whistle while you twerk. Exactly.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07We've all been there.
0:28:07 > 0:28:11And we've got a daguerreotype here of Lord Palmerston doing it.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Binge-watch. Binge-watch? That's a word? Binge-watch.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16That's a new word, yes, binge-watch. BELL
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Binge-watch, it's on the BBC. It's after Autumnwatch. Yeah!
0:28:19 > 0:28:22The new version. Watch people in city centres drinking too much
0:28:22 > 0:28:24and then throwing up.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Bill Oddie get trashed on cheap beer
0:28:26 > 0:28:29and then starts juggling with a dead badger.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32Kate Humble drinks a lot of cider. JANET: Yep.
0:28:32 > 0:28:36This week on Binge-watch... Oh, look, it's Paul Flowers in the bush.
0:28:36 > 0:28:37I know what it is.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39It's when you watch a lot of television,
0:28:39 > 0:28:40like a box set all at once.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43Oh, yes. Yes. You watch the whole thing together. Mm.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46If it was me, it would be either Paul's wonderful documentary
0:28:46 > 0:28:49about China or Ian's wonderful documentary about trains.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51Thank you. You don't need a box set. It was just one.
0:28:52 > 0:28:57It felt a lot longer. It's still bingeing. Felt like ten hours of it.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01Some trains are slow, but you know what I mean.
0:29:01 > 0:29:03This one has stopped and gone backwards.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09Your documentary about internet trolls. Internet trolls.
0:29:09 > 0:29:12I'd watch that. And you have a show on rambling.
0:29:12 > 0:29:14I'll probably give that one a miss.
0:29:14 > 0:29:15Um...
0:29:15 > 0:29:20Going back to selfies, according to the Oxford English Dictionary,
0:29:20 > 0:29:22this wonderful tradition began in 2002.
0:29:22 > 0:29:24Who do they believe coined the phrase?
0:29:24 > 0:29:28It was an Australian website. It was, yes. A drunk Australian.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30As if there were any other.
0:29:31 > 0:29:35A drunken Australian who posted on an online forum... Yes.
0:29:35 > 0:29:37JACK READS OUT IN A BAD AUSTRALIAN ACCENT
0:29:41 > 0:29:44South African again. Yes, Ian!
0:29:44 > 0:29:47He was so drunk that he ceased to be Australian.
0:29:48 > 0:29:52They all become South African in the end.
0:29:52 > 0:29:54HEAVY SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT
0:29:57 > 0:29:59Now you've got it! Now you've got it! It was a selfie!
0:30:01 > 0:30:03Went a bit German at the end. German at the end!
0:30:03 > 0:30:05GERMAN ACCENT: It was a selfie!
0:30:05 > 0:30:07Jawohl!
0:30:07 > 0:30:10Austrian rather than Australian. It's easy to get them mixed up.
0:30:10 > 0:30:12Austrian. I went skiing on Australia once.
0:30:12 > 0:30:14PAUL TAPS MICROPHONE
0:30:17 > 0:30:19"Selfie" has been proclaimed the word of the year 2013.
0:30:19 > 0:30:23Other new words this year were snout, shank and shower-bitch.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25They're not new to us,
0:30:25 > 0:30:28but it's the first time Chris Huhne's ever heard them.
0:30:30 > 0:30:32A campaign has also been started
0:30:32 > 0:30:34to save the English language's most endangered words.
0:30:34 > 0:30:35They include...
0:30:40 > 0:30:43A fairly useless list of words, unless you're trying to make sense
0:30:43 > 0:30:45of Russell Brand's New Statesman editorial.
0:30:46 > 0:30:48Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:30:54 > 0:30:55BELL
0:30:55 > 0:30:59Is that David Dimbleby? Yeah. It is.
0:30:59 > 0:31:01The man with the tattoo? Yeah. Yes.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03What else has he been in the news for?
0:31:03 > 0:31:06I think I might be best equipped to answer this question. Why?
0:31:06 > 0:31:10This originates from my radio programme, where I...
0:31:10 > 0:31:12You have a radio programme? JANET: Oh, surely not!
0:31:12 > 0:31:13Thank you for bringing that up.
0:31:13 > 0:31:162pm, Monday to Thursday, 5 live, Paul. Is it? Thanks for asking.
0:31:16 > 0:31:17Yeah, it's good. Yeah, thanks.
0:31:17 > 0:31:20You're very familiar with it. I'll make a note of that.
0:31:20 > 0:31:25So glad. So glad you listen. David Dimbleby came on my radio show...
0:31:25 > 0:31:28Hang on, I interviewed David Dimbleby last week on Loose Women,
0:31:28 > 0:31:31so you're not the only person that David Dimbleby met
0:31:31 > 0:31:33in the last seven days, thanks very much.
0:31:33 > 0:31:34I met him too. Well...
0:31:34 > 0:31:38Paul, do you watch Loose Women? Er... No.
0:31:39 > 0:31:42The safest answer to that question. Is that another app?
0:31:42 > 0:31:44I've been a mystery object.
0:31:46 > 0:31:49I was a mystery object on it once.
0:31:49 > 0:31:51JACK LAUGHS Mystery object.
0:31:51 > 0:31:56So you've both met David Dimbleby. I was a mystery object on it once.
0:31:56 > 0:31:58Paul was a mystery object on Loose Women.
0:32:00 > 0:32:03No, I interviewed him on the radio... You've got a radio show?
0:32:03 > 0:32:052pm... I'm going to write that down.
0:32:05 > 0:32:082pm, Monday to Thursday, 5 live. It's excellent.
0:32:08 > 0:32:12And he said in this interview that he wanted to slim down the BBC
0:32:12 > 0:32:15and get rid of BBC Four and that it was crushing local newspapers,
0:32:15 > 0:32:18and then that in itself made the newspapers. That's a bit boring.
0:32:18 > 0:32:20Paul, have you ever seen Loose Women?
0:32:20 > 0:32:23He owns local newspapers, though, doesn't he? He did, yeah.
0:32:23 > 0:32:25This is what he said, according to the Daily Mail.
0:32:25 > 0:32:28No, I mean, he did say this. It was in the Daily Mail.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34He did a lot of moaning about cookery shows, didn't he?
0:32:34 > 0:32:36Too many cookery and gardening shows.
0:32:36 > 0:32:41I think he'll change his mind once he sees our new show, Binge-watch.
0:32:41 > 0:32:43It's now time for the Odd One Out round.
0:32:43 > 0:32:45Just one between you this week.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47Ming the Mollusc,
0:32:47 > 0:32:48Glenn Greenwald's phone,
0:32:48 > 0:32:50Burt Kwouk
0:32:50 > 0:32:53and the E coli O157.
0:32:53 > 0:32:55BUZZER
0:32:55 > 0:32:57I think it's called Ming the Mollusc cos it's 500 years old
0:32:57 > 0:32:59and dates back to the Ming dynasty.
0:32:59 > 0:33:03Scientists found it, didn't know how old it was, killed it. Killed it.
0:33:03 > 0:33:07And then discovered it was the oldest animal that I think has ever lived.
0:33:07 > 0:33:08Oh, really? Yeah.
0:33:08 > 0:33:12So you can get ill from eating those, E coli can make you ill. Absolutely.
0:33:12 > 0:33:13Burt Kwouk, is it the actor
0:33:13 > 0:33:17or is it the part he's playing in the Pink Panther films as Cato?
0:33:17 > 0:33:19It's the actor? It's the part.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21Cato. Give us a clue.
0:33:21 > 0:33:23Containing the answer.
0:33:24 > 0:33:25Oh, cold.
0:33:25 > 0:33:27Cold. Oh, right, OK.
0:33:27 > 0:33:30Yes, Cato was hidden in a fridge. Yes.
0:33:30 > 0:33:32He was hiding in the fridge, Shot In The Dark, and he comes...
0:33:32 > 0:33:34So it's about people being put in fridges.
0:33:34 > 0:33:38The mollusc should have been put in a fridge and it would have survived.
0:33:38 > 0:33:40Cato jumped out of a fridge, he was all right.
0:33:40 > 0:33:42The E coli bacteria's all right if you freeze it.
0:33:42 > 0:33:43It's the bloke with the phone.
0:33:43 > 0:33:46His phone was hidden in a fridge. The fridge thing was right,
0:33:46 > 0:33:49everything else was wrong, but I'll give you a point so we can move on.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52The odd one out was Glenn Greenwald's phone... No, it wasn't.
0:33:52 > 0:33:55Look, stop taking over.
0:33:55 > 0:33:57You can do that on your radio show, which is on at 3.30...
0:33:57 > 0:34:03You've got a radio show? Mondays, 2pm. I'm going to write that down.
0:34:03 > 0:34:07The odd one out is Ming the Mollusc. Ming the Mollusc?
0:34:07 > 0:34:10All the others have survived a stint in the freezer except for Ming the Mollusc,
0:34:10 > 0:34:12who died. OK.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15Glenn Greenwald, the former Guardian journalist who was involved in
0:34:15 > 0:34:19the publication of the intelligence e-mails leaked by Edward Snowden,
0:34:19 > 0:34:22regularly used to put his phone in the freezer. Why?
0:34:22 > 0:34:25He was worried it would be bugged. For security, yes.
0:34:25 > 0:34:27There's an even more effective place
0:34:27 > 0:34:29you can put your phone to stop hacking.
0:34:29 > 0:34:32Any ideas? Is that News International HQ?
0:34:32 > 0:34:35A Martini shaker.
0:34:35 > 0:34:36Oh, OK.
0:34:36 > 0:34:40E coli 0157, one of the nastiest strains of E coli,
0:34:40 > 0:34:44can survive in the fridge or the freezer. Um...
0:34:44 > 0:34:46How old were you when you first got colonised
0:34:46 > 0:34:48by an E coli bacterium, Janet?
0:34:50 > 0:34:54Funnily enough, I had amoebic dysentery when I was seven.
0:34:54 > 0:34:57And I was actually in... How on earth did you get that?
0:34:57 > 0:34:59I thought that was... I got it in Fulham.
0:34:59 > 0:35:01I grew up quite near you, Paul. Yes.
0:35:01 > 0:35:04I think it's something you sent from Fulham Palace Road to my road.
0:35:04 > 0:35:06Oh, I used to send out those parcels all the time.
0:35:07 > 0:35:10Ming the Mollusc was an ocean quahog, a type of clam.
0:35:10 > 0:35:12How easy is it to date a clam?
0:35:12 > 0:35:14Well, you have to get them drunk first.
0:35:14 > 0:35:18There's an app called Chowder. Yeah.
0:35:19 > 0:35:22APPLAUSE
0:35:22 > 0:35:25You've got to watch out for CHLAMYDIA, though.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30No, I've never dated a clam before.
0:35:30 > 0:35:32Pulled a few MUSSELS.
0:35:35 > 0:35:38But if nothing else, this story brought out
0:35:38 > 0:35:41a certain solidarity amongst headline writers.
0:35:41 > 0:35:45What do you think The Independent, Mirror and the Mail all went with?
0:35:45 > 0:35:47Clam Dead After 500 Years.
0:35:47 > 0:35:49No. That wouldn't be very good, would it?
0:35:49 > 0:35:51Shuts. Clam shuts.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53Clam shell, clam shut, clam....
0:35:53 > 0:35:56JANET: Tears, cry...
0:35:56 > 0:36:00Ah, yes, yes, Clam Claps Mime Artist.
0:36:00 > 0:36:03No! Are you taking the piss? You know what it is now?
0:36:03 > 0:36:05ALL: No.
0:36:05 > 0:36:08You do! This is what stupid people look like.
0:36:08 > 0:36:12I've never seen anyone worse at charades than you.
0:36:12 > 0:36:14That is a very good clam mime.
0:36:14 > 0:36:16We got the clam bit!
0:36:16 > 0:36:20The sad bit, the sorrow. What would happen? Oh, damn, it's such a...
0:36:20 > 0:36:22A shame. Not a shame!
0:36:22 > 0:36:24Calamity!
0:36:24 > 0:36:27A calamity, Ian. That's terrible.
0:36:27 > 0:36:30Why is it terrible? It's a CLAMITY.
0:36:30 > 0:36:32I'm not mad, am I? You all got that.
0:36:32 > 0:36:36What...what were the tears for?
0:36:36 > 0:36:38How would that lead us to calamity as a pun?
0:36:38 > 0:36:41Right, you're all going, you can be the panellists now. Come on.
0:36:43 > 0:36:45Time now for the Missing Words round
0:36:45 > 0:36:47which, this week, features as its guest publication
0:36:47 > 0:36:50Hazardous Cargo Bulletin. We start with...
0:36:56 > 0:36:58Is there nothing on television...
0:36:58 > 0:37:01and have all my books been burnt?
0:37:02 > 0:37:04Why was it printed on asbestos...
0:37:08 > 0:37:10..and why am I breathing it in?
0:37:11 > 0:37:12The answer is... Yep.
0:37:16 > 0:37:19Ah, plus ca change et plus c'est la meme chose,
0:37:19 > 0:37:22as they say in Cargo Bulletin.
0:37:22 > 0:37:23Next...
0:37:24 > 0:37:26Planning permission.
0:37:30 > 0:37:32It's a career.
0:37:32 > 0:37:33Basically, yeah.
0:37:36 > 0:37:38Cliff's attempts to look young
0:37:38 > 0:37:40have been scorned this week by the Daily Mail.
0:37:40 > 0:37:42But as Cliff himself once remarked...
0:37:46 > 0:37:49Yes, Cliff, only because you've managed to lose your Shadows.
0:37:49 > 0:37:51That's actually a very good joke. Yeah.
0:37:51 > 0:37:53It's just the way you did it.
0:37:56 > 0:37:57Um, next...
0:38:00 > 0:38:03JANET: A night of passion. Prepared me for government.
0:38:03 > 0:38:06Something to do with politics. Life in the Coalition.
0:38:06 > 0:38:09Well, yes, actually, technically, it is life in the Coalition.
0:38:13 > 0:38:14Next...
0:38:16 > 0:38:17Germany.
0:38:19 > 0:38:20No, the answer is...
0:38:23 > 0:38:26You're kidding. Here's an aerial view of the housing estate.
0:38:29 > 0:38:33The swastika shape has already had a major effect on those house prices.
0:38:33 > 0:38:35One buyer was recently gazumped by Nick Griffin.
0:38:35 > 0:38:37Next...
0:38:38 > 0:38:40Screws Volkswagen.
0:38:44 > 0:38:45Bored robot... Yeah...
0:38:45 > 0:38:50..switches off Janet Street-Porter documentary about rambling. Oh!
0:38:50 > 0:38:52AUDIENCE GROANS
0:38:52 > 0:38:56I'm sorry, Richard. That went down like a cup of cold sick.
0:38:56 > 0:38:58Bored robot tops itself.
0:38:58 > 0:39:00Yes. Yes?! JANET: No!
0:39:00 > 0:39:04Bored robot killed itself. ROBOT VOICE: I've had enough!
0:39:04 > 0:39:06Did it chuck itself into the Thames?
0:39:06 > 0:39:09I don't know. Maybe it ran a bath and then just got in it.
0:39:11 > 0:39:13Are you going to explain this story? I don't know. Like...
0:39:13 > 0:39:16I've just been given... A robot killed itself?
0:39:16 > 0:39:18How did he actually do it? Yes. How did it do it?
0:39:18 > 0:39:19Its robot wife left him
0:39:19 > 0:39:23and he couldn't keep down his robot job and all of his robot friends...
0:39:23 > 0:39:25He was replaced by human beings.
0:39:27 > 0:39:29If you kill a robot, is that murder? Well, it should be.
0:39:31 > 0:39:33We could definitely write a screenplay, I feel.
0:39:33 > 0:39:36ROBOT VOICE: Do not kill me. You are my master.
0:39:36 > 0:39:38That's sad. It's Downton Robot.
0:39:39 > 0:39:43Dalek, more like. Dalek Robot. Well, that's how they speak, don't they?
0:39:43 > 0:39:45They don't. They only do it for the part.
0:39:45 > 0:39:47You meet Daleks offstage, they're incredibly theatrical.
0:39:47 > 0:39:49Was I any good, love?
0:39:51 > 0:39:55Typecast - I'm always playing robots who kill people.
0:39:55 > 0:39:58You still haven't told us how the robot killed itself. We're very keen to know...
0:39:58 > 0:39:59I genuinely don't know...
0:39:59 > 0:40:02Does anyone know how the robot killed itself? No. No, nobody knows.
0:40:02 > 0:40:03RICHARD: Go on, yes.
0:40:03 > 0:40:05MAN: The owners left the house
0:40:05 > 0:40:09and the robot put itself onto an induction hob and melted itself.
0:40:09 > 0:40:10Are you the owner?
0:40:12 > 0:40:16So, the final scores, Richard and Paul have 10,
0:40:16 > 0:40:18Janet and Ian have 5.
0:40:18 > 0:40:21APPLAUSE
0:40:23 > 0:40:25On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:40:25 > 0:40:28Ian Hislop and Janet Street-Porter, Paul Merton and Richard Bacon.
0:40:28 > 0:40:30And I leave you with news that in Edinburgh
0:40:30 > 0:40:34a prospective father waits anxiously outside a fertility clinic.
0:40:39 > 0:40:42In Aldershot, in the playground of a primary school,
0:40:42 > 0:40:45a pupil prepares for a visit from Michael Gove.
0:40:51 > 0:40:55And in North Yorkshire, keen rambler Janet Street-Porter is told
0:40:55 > 0:40:58that her favourite footpath has been blocked off.
0:41:00 > 0:41:02Good night.
0:41:02 > 0:41:04APPLAUSE
0:41:21 > 0:41:24Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:41:38 > 0:41:41Most people know it's the 50th anniversary of Doctor Who,
0:41:41 > 0:41:43but I'd just like to point out
0:41:43 > 0:41:46that he's not the only time traveller. Let's go back 20 years.
0:41:46 > 0:41:48METALLIC THRUMMING
0:42:12 > 0:42:15Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd