0:00:28 > 0:00:30APPLAUSE
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41I'm Robert Lindsay
0:00:41 > 0:00:45and in the news this week there's a major scientific breakthrough as a
0:00:45 > 0:00:51Japanese inventor develops an outfit that enables pensioners to twerk.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58LAUGHTER
0:00:58 > 0:01:00At the funeral of the world's strongest man,
0:01:00 > 0:01:03his widow insists on leading the hearse.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06LAUGHTER
0:01:07 > 0:01:12And archive footage from the 1940s shows Ranulph Fiennes
0:01:12 > 0:01:14and his first encounter with ice.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17LAUGHTER
0:01:24 > 0:01:27On Ian's team tonight is a comedian from Canada who
0:01:27 > 0:01:29studied city planning at university.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32To be fair, there are a lot of comedians in city planning,
0:01:32 > 0:01:34I mean, just look at Birmingham.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Please welcome Katherine Ryan.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38APPLAUSE
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Actually, I'm going there next week. I can't do that!
0:01:42 > 0:01:45They've asked me to turn on the city lights!
0:01:45 > 0:01:46LAUGHTER
0:01:48 > 0:01:50APPLAUSE
0:01:50 > 0:01:51No, they have!
0:01:51 > 0:01:54After this, they'll ask you to turn them off.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55LAUGHTER
0:01:57 > 0:02:00On Ian's team tonight is a comedian from Canada
0:02:00 > 0:02:02who's studied city planning.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05To be fair, there are lots of comedians in city planning,
0:02:05 > 0:02:06I mean, just look at Newcastle.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09LAUGHTER
0:02:09 > 0:02:11SCATTERED APPLAUSE
0:02:17 > 0:02:19I bet you're going to Newcastle too.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- Do your part again.- Sorry?
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Why don't you change it to Milton Keynes?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27LAUGHTER
0:02:27 > 0:02:28APPLAUSE
0:02:30 > 0:02:32On Ian's team tonight is a comedian from Canada who
0:02:32 > 0:02:35studied city planning at university.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38To be fair, there are a lot of comedians in city planning,
0:02:38 > 0:02:40I mean, just look at Milton Keynes.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Please welcome Katherine Ryan.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44APPLAUSE
0:02:47 > 0:02:53And with Paul tonight is a Labour MP who used to be a postman so we've
0:02:53 > 0:02:57paid him by putting a bit of money in a card and sending it to Paul.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59- LAUGHTER - Ladies and gentlemen, Alan Johnson.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01APPLAUSE
0:03:05 > 0:03:08So, we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Paul and Alan, take a look at this.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Oh, yeah, Scotland's Future - there we are, it's blank.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Pounds, pound coins, things that Scots will lose,
0:03:15 > 0:03:18they'll lose the Queen, the pound, and, and...
0:03:18 > 0:03:21- Nigella Lawson.- Nigella Lawson. - That was not Nigella Lawson.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23BBC and submarines, they'll lose BBC, submarines, the Queen
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- and pound coins.- All in one. - They're not going to lose them,
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- they're going to keep them! - Are they?- Yeah.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30I know, same thing - lose, keep.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34Well, what was the Sun's headline on Wednesday summing all this up?
0:03:34 > 0:03:38How dare you suggest any of us read the Sun!
0:03:38 > 0:03:39- LAUGHTER - The headline read...
0:03:42 > 0:03:46- Oh, anarchy!- Anarchy in the UK!
0:03:46 > 0:03:50If they gain independence, the Scots, what are they going to keep?
0:03:50 > 0:03:52They'll keep the Queen and the BBC as well cos
0:03:52 > 0:03:55they can't block the signals going across the border.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58It's a source of much debate about whether Scotland would be
0:03:58 > 0:04:00- able to watch Strictly Come Dancing. - Yeah.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04And I'd have thought that was pretty good for the No vote.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Are you not a fan of Strictly Come Dancing?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Well, I prefer Strictly Come Scottish Dancing.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13- Which I think's going to be terrific. Don't you think?- No.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Well, why don't they get to choose what they'll keep?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18"We won't have that. We'll have the pound.
0:04:18 > 0:04:19"Yeah, we'll have the Queen, uh-huh.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22"Why don't you just take Irn Bru, pasties and John Barrowman?
0:04:22 > 0:04:24"Like, take the things that we're happy to give."
0:04:24 > 0:04:26LAUGHTER
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Alex Salmond said that that he was going to keep the pound.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32But wasn't that the same pound that the English used to bribe
0:04:32 > 0:04:35the Scottish to joining the UK in the first place?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37They didn't bribe them to join.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Scotland was bankrupt after the Darien Expedition.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42They tried to set up their own empire,
0:04:42 > 0:04:44lost all the money and the English bailed them out.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48Is that the expedition that went to the Tropics with loads of blankets?
0:04:48 > 0:04:49That's the one!
0:04:49 > 0:04:52And whisky and stuff like they didn't figure it out?
0:04:52 > 0:04:53It was bought, basically.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56There's a lot of Burns' poems about this very thing.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58You're looking thrilled, Robert.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01No, I'm just wondering how long this programme goes on for.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02LAUGHTER
0:05:02 > 0:05:06- Until the Scots do or don't get independence.- Exactly!
0:05:06 > 0:05:10- Where do you stand, Alan?- I stand for the, uh, for Great Britain.
0:05:10 > 0:05:15- I stand for a No vote. For independence.- Right, just checking.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Sorry, it's so rare to ask a politician what he thinks
0:05:17 > 0:05:19and he says!
0:05:19 > 0:05:20LAUGHTER
0:05:22 > 0:05:25The Scots are going to have their own broadcasting service.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27- What's that going to be called? - It should be called the BBC.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Same as it is now. Run by Jim Nochty and Kirsty Waugh
0:05:30 > 0:05:31and...everyone else.
0:05:31 > 0:05:36They can have their own programmes - the Great Scottish Fry Up...
0:05:36 > 0:05:38LAUGHTER
0:05:38 > 0:05:40..Last of the Buckfast Tonic Wine...
0:05:42 > 0:05:43..Who Do You Think You Are, Jimmy?
0:05:43 > 0:05:45LAUGHTER
0:05:45 > 0:05:48But it will come as an arrangement to the BBC to show
0:05:48 > 0:05:52popular shows such as Doctor Who. Ah, now he's Scottish, isn't he?
0:05:52 > 0:05:54- Was Scottish.- Well... - And will be Scottish again.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Actually, if you're watching Steven Moffat...
0:05:58 > 0:06:00I am available.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03(Grr, fucking thing, how does it open?)
0:06:03 > 0:06:05LAUGHTER
0:06:05 > 0:06:06Oh!
0:06:07 > 0:06:11- Did you get that from...? - No, I just lost that part, actually, but never mind.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13- Definitely the Scottish version. - Thank you.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16- Looks like it came from that sex shop up Kennington Road.- But, but...
0:06:16 > 0:06:18- LAUGHTER - Exactly.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- Guys, guys...- Well, I just got one.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22They're going a 20% discount at the moment.
0:06:22 > 0:06:27When you were Home Secretary, did you know of that particular shop?
0:06:27 > 0:06:31Uh, I am saying nothing until I have my lawyer here with me.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Who happens to be in the audience!
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Your lawyer's in the audience?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Yeah, there's a whole bank of them over there.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40There's 15 from the Murdoch empire. Hi, guys!
0:06:40 > 0:06:43- LAUGHTER - We're not going to mention the trial. Shh!
0:06:43 > 0:06:45LAUGHTER
0:06:45 > 0:06:47According to the Independent,
0:06:47 > 0:06:51as regards the apportioning of the UK's £1.3 trillion debt...
0:06:57 > 0:06:59So, more work for lawyers.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03Well, in any break-up, it's the lawyer who profits most, I think.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06We'll have the oil, you take the kids.
0:07:06 > 0:07:07LAUGHTER
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Canada's getting the oil?
0:07:09 > 0:07:11She's not Canadian, she's one of us now.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Well, I'm Irish, I've always been Irish, but I talk like a Canadian.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17That just happened by accident.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19My parents didn't spend enough time with me.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21LAUGHTER
0:07:21 > 0:07:22Where are you a citizen?
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- Ireland...- Ireland.- And Canada.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27So, you don't get a vote here at all?
0:07:27 > 0:07:32Well, I do over here because I live here so I can vote anywhere.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36I vote in India, I vote everywhere...
0:07:36 > 0:07:38You have to vote here or you go to jail.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40- That's not what Russell Brand says.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- He's a politician, isn't he?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45- Uh, after a fashion.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47LAUGHTER
0:07:48 > 0:07:50What are they planning to do to the post office
0:07:50 > 0:07:52in an independent Scotland?
0:07:52 > 0:07:55They say that they will put it back together again,
0:07:55 > 0:07:58counters and letters, and will renationalise it.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Well, that's exciting talk for an old Labour man, isn't it?
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- How many post office shares did you buy?- I didn't buy any at all.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08- We're among friends, come on. - They were Royal Mail shares, weren't they?
0:08:08 > 0:08:10I applied for them in the post, but they haven't arrived, uh...
0:08:10 > 0:08:12LAUGHTER
0:08:12 > 0:08:15There's also been a bit of a clash over an independent Scotland's
0:08:15 > 0:08:18future immigration policy this week, what's that about?
0:08:18 > 0:08:19What's the issue?
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Well, Scotland have said that...like a lot of these things...
0:08:22 > 0:08:26we'll join up to the EU, but we won't join the Euro
0:08:26 > 0:08:28and we won't join the Schengen Agreement.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Um, which means you have to take immigrants from anywhere.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Immigration is obviously an issue close to the
0:08:33 > 0:08:35heart of the Daily Express.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38On Wednesday, they asked their readers to vote...
0:08:45 > 0:08:47And, as always with the Express,
0:08:47 > 0:08:51they went to great lengths not to influence their readers in any way.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54LAUGHTER
0:08:54 > 0:08:56So, what was Cameron doing to emphasise
0:08:56 > 0:08:58his British credentials this week?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02I'll tell you. He was at the...
0:09:02 > 0:09:03LAUGHTER
0:09:03 > 0:09:06He was at the British Curry Awards.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10Here he is drinking lager in the traditional Etonian manner.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12LAUGHTER
0:09:13 > 0:09:17- What did he call Nick Clegg this week?- He didn't call him at all.
0:09:17 > 0:09:18He never calls him!
0:09:18 > 0:09:22- LAUGHTER He called him a lazy...- Oh!
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Was there an F at the beginning of it? Yes, yes.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26- There was an F somewhere. - Yes, there was.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28He called him...
0:09:28 > 0:09:30A liberal democrat!
0:09:30 > 0:09:32An idle fucker!
0:09:32 > 0:09:36- Where's that from, Robert?- My script. What are you talking about?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38LAUGHTER
0:09:38 > 0:09:40- That's why he's reading it out. - "Where's it from?"
0:09:40 > 0:09:43- He wouldn't be saying it otherwise. - Do you want to see a picture of
0:09:43 > 0:09:46- a train that looks like David Cameron?- Yes, please.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48LAUGHTER
0:09:52 > 0:09:55It's from Thomas the Tank Engine, yes.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Are you sure that's not David Cameron?
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Sorry, I'm determined to get this apart.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04We were talking earlier...
0:10:05 > 0:10:10The special 50th anniversary of Doctor Who went out last weekend.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Yeah, nobody could have noticed. The Beeb didn't mention it much!
0:10:13 > 0:10:17Not at all. And BBC Three joined in the fun with a live link up with
0:10:17 > 0:10:20two members of One Direction in America.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- Shall we see how that went?- Yeah. - Let's have a look.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24You are now live.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28You can speak to Matt Smith and you can speak to Jenna and Steven
0:10:28 > 0:10:31and John Hurt. What are your questions, boys?
0:10:31 > 0:10:34ECHO: "You are now live, you can speak to Matt Smith
0:10:34 > 0:10:37"and you can speak to Jenna and Steven and John Hurt.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40- "What are your questions, boys?" - Which are the...?
0:10:40 > 0:10:42We've got them on our little presenter cue card here.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Now, would you like to read the first question.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47- LAUGHTER - No, it's all right.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49It didn't carry on like that.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52No, it just got much worse!
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Boys, have you got any more questions?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57ECHO: "..television and the Doctor could do anything,
0:10:57 > 0:11:00"but we can't rid of the delay to LA. It's incredible.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03"Boys, have you got any more questions?"
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Yeah, I personally have been a huge fan of Doctor Who...
0:11:06 > 0:11:08ECHO: "..we can't get rid of the delay..."
0:11:08 > 0:11:11What is your favourite ever Doctor Who moment?
0:11:11 > 0:11:14ECHO: "..we can't get rid of the delay..."
0:11:14 > 0:11:18- It's not working! - ALL VOICES MIX TOGETHER
0:11:18 > 0:11:21It's not working. So...!
0:11:21 > 0:11:25INCOMPREHENSIBLE MIX OF VOICES
0:11:28 > 0:11:31If we tweet you, it might be a lot easier.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Let's give it up for One Direction, everybody.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Clearly, they weren't sharing the same time or dimension.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39LAUGHTER
0:11:39 > 0:11:42I don't know, I think that's the most coherent I've ever seen them.
0:11:42 > 0:11:43LAUGHTER
0:11:43 > 0:11:47This is the SNP's blueprint for the break up of Britain.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Alex Salmond proposes that the BBC is
0:11:50 > 0:11:52replaced by the Scottish Broadcasting Service, which
0:11:52 > 0:11:56will broadcast different programmes from those shown in England.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59So, much like next year's World Cup.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01LAUGHTER
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Ian and Katherine, take a look at this.
0:12:03 > 0:12:08- Oh, those are minions!- That's the Chancellor going down a mine.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Oh, people raised money to put him down there.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12LAUGHTER
0:12:12 > 0:12:16It's the government U-turn over the cost of payday loans.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17Yeah, we were getting there.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20So, what...yeah, you were there. What has George Osborne done?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22He's decided that the market doesn't always work.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24He's right, isn't he, Alan?
0:12:24 > 0:12:28He's decided that he will follow Labour's policy of capping
0:12:28 > 0:12:30- the interest on payday loans. - Labour policy?
0:12:30 > 0:12:32- Who is getting all the credit? - Stella Creasy.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Stella Creasy, the Labour MP for Walthamstow.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37George Osborne paid tribute to
0:12:37 > 0:12:41her in the House of Commons for campaigning on the issue.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43So, does Ed Balls not get any credit?
0:12:43 > 0:12:46He gets credit for a very good lasagne that he
0:12:46 > 0:12:50cooks on a regular basis...changing the subject!
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- Do you feel he should get more credit?- I do.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Oh, credit in what sense? LAUGHTER
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Even though he took your job?
0:13:00 > 0:13:04- He didn't take it. I mean... - You gave it to him.- Yes.- Right.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08- And has he repaid you for that? - He thanks me every so often.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10LAUGHTER
0:13:10 > 0:13:11With a lasagne.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12LAUGHTER
0:13:12 > 0:13:17George Osborne was also trying to head off a sneaky attack from whom?
0:13:17 > 0:13:21- Ed Balls.- No.- Ed Miliband. - No.- Lord Lucan.- No.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24- Frank Lampard. - LAUGHTER
0:13:24 > 0:13:26The Archbishop of Canterbury.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Frank Lampard's the Archbishop of Canterbury?
0:13:29 > 0:13:30- LAUGHTER - When did that happen?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Well, he was thought to be organising
0:13:32 > 0:13:35- a House of Lords rebellion on payday loans.- Oh.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Who else has stuck the boot into capitalism this week?
0:13:38 > 0:13:41- The Pope.- Yes!- Must be.- Even higher, Pope Francis. He said...
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Anyway, he wants the Catholic Church to get stuck into poverty
0:13:56 > 0:13:57a lot more and become...
0:14:00 > 0:14:03A bit like someone taught by nuns.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04LAUGHTER
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Who's been saying greed is good this week?
0:14:07 > 0:14:09- Boris.- Boris Johnson.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12- What did he say?- You can take advantage of the thick people.
0:14:12 > 0:14:13LAUGHTER
0:14:13 > 0:14:1516% of us are very thick...
0:14:15 > 0:14:17He said, "Greed can be good as a valuable spur
0:14:17 > 0:14:20"to economic activity." He was delivering...
0:14:23 > 0:14:24She can't do it herself these days.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26LAUGHTER
0:14:27 > 0:14:30I'll tell you what. Is it a good time to play with
0:14:30 > 0:14:33- the greed-on-meter? - Yes, always a good time.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35- What is the greed-on-meter? - Well, let's have a look.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS
0:14:42 > 0:14:44# Chickety-cha! #
0:14:44 > 0:14:48Buzz in when you know what the greedy company logo is.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51OK, so spin the greed-o-meter.
0:14:54 > 0:14:55BUZZER
0:14:55 > 0:14:57- That's the logo for RBS.- Correct.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:02 > 0:15:05- Are we dumbing down on this show? - No, no, no, no, no!
0:15:06 > 0:15:07RBS, what have they been doing?
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Vince Cable has an advisor who's been investigating this
0:15:10 > 0:15:13and he says they've been deliberately driving small businesses
0:15:13 > 0:15:16out of business in order to profit.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Given that we own most of RBS,
0:15:18 > 0:15:21- they probably shouldn't be trying to bankrupt us.- Yes.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23- That's not really what banks are for.- No.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26They're just meant to bankrupt the whole world.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Yes, well, this week it was revealed that RBS were accused of
0:15:29 > 0:15:31intentionally causing companies to fail
0:15:31 > 0:15:34and then buying up their assets on the cheap.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Oh, it makes you long for the good old days
0:15:36 > 0:15:40when bank managers stuck to crystal meth and rent boys.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42LAUGHTER
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Let's have another spin of the greed-on-meter.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50I don't know what that one is.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Anything the government doesn't want to do,
0:15:52 > 0:15:55it gets Serco to put in a ridiculously small bid for it.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Then they fail to do it properly and then go back to the government
0:15:58 > 0:15:59and we have to pay them again.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02They're a classic case of outsourcing drivel.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Would the lawyer be interested in anything you've just said?
0:16:04 > 0:16:06LAUGHTER
0:16:06 > 0:16:08They just lost the contracts for ruining...
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Sorry, running three prisons in Yorkshire. Why?
0:16:11 > 0:16:15Did all the prisoners run out one evening dressed in burqas?
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Well, no...
0:16:17 > 0:16:21No, that's G4S. Oh, sorry, areas of expertise.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24That's where it links up, because they've been investigated along with
0:16:24 > 0:16:27G4S in the suspected fraud case where companies have charged
0:16:27 > 0:16:32the government large sums of money for tagging prisoners who were
0:16:32 > 0:16:34back in prison, abroad or dead.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38Or dead! And if they're dead, they should be voting in Falkirk.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40They should be.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42This week saw the departure of the boss of Serco,
0:16:42 > 0:16:46the scandal-hit security group who've been...
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Although, in the case of Jimmy Savile,
0:16:52 > 0:16:53you can't be too careful.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55LAUGHTER
0:16:55 > 0:16:58And another spin of the old greed-o-meter, please.
0:17:01 > 0:17:02BUZZER
0:17:02 > 0:17:03Amazon.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05The people who work for Amazon are given very,
0:17:05 > 0:17:10very strict timings to pick up all the various bits of parcels
0:17:10 > 0:17:12and gifts that have been ordered.
0:17:12 > 0:17:17And they've got to carry around this sort of machine which bleeps out how
0:17:17 > 0:17:19much time they've got left, so it's basically about people
0:17:19 > 0:17:22working very, very hard for very little money in Amazon.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23Yeah, that's exactly right.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26This week, Amazon was accused of treating its workers harshly,
0:17:26 > 0:17:30but they do give them useful feedback, for example,
0:17:30 > 0:17:32based on your previous history,
0:17:32 > 0:17:36you may enjoy stitching trainers for Nike in Cambodia.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37LAUGHTER
0:17:37 > 0:17:40So, let's fire up the old greed-on-meter again.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42CREW MEMBER: (Just a moment...)
0:17:42 > 0:17:45It's a note from the lawyer!
0:17:45 > 0:17:46LAUGHTER
0:17:46 > 0:17:48(Don't let Ian say anything else!)
0:17:48 > 0:17:50LAUGHTER
0:17:50 > 0:17:54Is that a stop or is that note or...?
0:17:54 > 0:17:55- A sacking?- No!
0:17:55 > 0:17:58LAUGHTER
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Robert's got the Doctor Who gig!
0:18:00 > 0:18:02LAUGHTER
0:18:02 > 0:18:06So, let's fire up the old greed-o-meter again, shall we?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10BELL RINGS
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Goldman Sachs - they're greedy cos they're a bank.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14LAUGHTER
0:18:14 > 0:18:18They were the advisors to the government on the Royal Mail's
0:18:18 > 0:18:21sell off and it turned out that they made a big profit on the back
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- of the advice they gave and the price the shares were sold at.- How?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Well, they said, "Keep the price low,"
0:18:26 > 0:18:29and then the taxpayer actually missed out, hugely, cos we
0:18:29 > 0:18:32didn't get any of the money and also they bought a lot of the shares.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36- Oh, is this insider trading...? - Oh, how dare you?!- What?!
0:18:36 > 0:18:37LAUGHTER
0:18:38 > 0:18:41I'm trying to keep you out of prison.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44You'll end up being supervised by Serco!
0:18:44 > 0:18:48Does anyone know where Goldman Sachs are registered as a business?
0:18:48 > 0:18:50The Bahamas.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- No.- Liechtenstein.- Switzerland.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55The US State of Delaware.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Are there special tax breaks in Delaware?
0:18:57 > 0:19:00They are very flimsy, even the Cayman Islands have
0:19:00 > 0:19:04complained that they are playing fast and loose with regulations.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06LAUGHTER
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Goldman Sachs are known as the Vampire Squid.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12I'd like one of those for Christmas, if that's possible.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13You can get it on Amazon.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14LAUGHTER
0:19:14 > 0:19:19OK, finally, has anyone seen the latest financial scandal
0:19:19 > 0:19:23- brewing in Brentwood?- No...- This is where Eric Pickles is the MP.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Have a look then at this.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31LAUGHTER
0:19:33 > 0:19:37So, let's take one last look at the old greed-on-meter.
0:19:41 > 0:19:42BUZZER
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Uh, taxis, London taxis are going to be converted to run on gas.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47- Are they?- No.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48LAUGHTER
0:19:48 > 0:19:52Why are the big energy companies in the dock again this week?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54This isn't about putting up the energy prices,
0:19:54 > 0:19:57that was a couple of weeks ago so it's not about that.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59- Unless they've done it again.- Yes.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01And if you're watching the repeat, they've just done it again.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03LAUGHTER
0:20:04 > 0:20:09If they can cap payday loans, why can't they cap energy prices, Alan?
0:20:09 > 0:20:11- Exactly.- Thank you.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12LAUGHTER
0:20:12 > 0:20:15It's been revealed that last winter 31,000...
0:20:16 > 0:20:18If only politics was that easy.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20LAUGHTER
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Is there anything else you'd like to say to the British people?
0:20:23 > 0:20:24LAUGHTER Nope.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28It's been revealed that, last winter, 31,000 people,
0:20:28 > 0:20:30elderly people, died from the cold
0:20:30 > 0:20:35while the energy firms made profits of £1.2 billion.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38The energy firms were slammed as immoral by the
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Chair of the Fuel Poverty Advisory group, a man named...
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Well, it takes all sorts!
0:20:44 > 0:20:46LAUGHTER
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Pretty unfortunate surnames tonight -
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Lickorish, Balls, Sturgeon, Salmond - what show do you run?
0:20:52 > 0:20:53LAUGHTER
0:20:53 > 0:20:56So, at the end of that round, we have...
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- two points each.- Excellent.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00APPLAUSE
0:21:07 > 0:21:10So, round two, the Picture Spin Quiz.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16PENNYWHISTLE BLOWS
0:21:16 > 0:21:17LAUGHTER
0:21:20 > 0:21:22BUZZER
0:21:22 > 0:21:24I just had to break the tension by buzzing.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25LAUGHTER
0:21:25 > 0:21:27BELL RINGS
0:21:27 > 0:21:30This is Berlusconi, he's wiping the cocaine from Putin's nose.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Um, he's been offered citizenship, that's the rumour.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37Actually, no, he's asked him to be the Russian Ambassador to the Vatican.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41Yeah, and that's how you get citizenship and you become immune.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44So, why is Putin being so helpful to Silvio Berlusconi?
0:21:44 > 0:21:49Cos he recognises a fellow leader in peril.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Actually, according to the Daily Mail, Putin...
0:21:58 > 0:22:00LAUGHTER
0:22:00 > 0:22:04Can he be any more of a gay icon right now?
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Look at those eyes, just piercing.
0:22:07 > 0:22:12He professes to not like the gay thing so much.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14He's definitely in denial, he's so far deep in denial.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16I don't even think the bed was named after him,
0:22:16 > 0:22:18it was just one of the beds had been pooed in.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20LAUGHTER
0:22:23 > 0:22:27- Alan, have you met Berlusconi? - No, I wasn't at any of those parties.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30No, no, I was at a Wonga Wonga party, but, uh...
0:22:30 > 0:22:32LAUGHTER That's a completely different thing.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Also, this week, what did a Chinese lady transform herself in with
0:22:35 > 0:22:40the help of a fake plastic wart and some platform boots?
0:22:40 > 0:22:41Birmingham.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43LAUGHTER
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Mao Zedong.
0:22:45 > 0:22:46LAUGHTER
0:22:46 > 0:22:47What won't her husband do?
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Won't climb over the Great Wall on a Friday night?
0:22:50 > 0:22:51LAUGHTER
0:22:51 > 0:22:53- Sleep with her.- That's what I said.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55LAUGHTER
0:22:57 > 0:23:00This is the news that Silvio Berlusconi is threatening
0:23:00 > 0:23:04to become Vladimir Putin's right-hand man in the Vatican.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07I'm not sure what exactly attracted Silvio Berlusconi to Russia, but
0:23:07 > 0:23:12I fear he may have misinterpreted the words "Pussy Riot."
0:23:12 > 0:23:14LAUGHTER
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Also, this week, tensions have risen in Gibraltar over
0:23:17 > 0:23:19the opening of a diplomatic bag.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22It was a bit of a shock for the Spaniard who opened
0:23:22 > 0:23:25the bag as out tumbled a grateful British spy saying,
0:23:25 > 0:23:28"Cheers, mate, I zipped myself in by mistake."
0:23:30 > 0:23:32So, fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34PENNYWHISTLE BLOWS
0:23:36 > 0:23:38BELL RINGS
0:23:38 > 0:23:40That is the wonderful Nigella Lawson.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43And she is wonderful, but it's the allegation that Nigella Lawson
0:23:43 > 0:23:47may have been putting too much white flour in her brown bread.
0:23:47 > 0:23:48LAUGHTER
0:23:48 > 0:23:50This is what bothers me about the story -
0:23:50 > 0:23:53it completely deflects from the issue.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Charles Saatchi was pictured with both his hands around her throat
0:23:56 > 0:23:58and, all of a sudden, because she may have been using drugs,
0:23:58 > 0:24:02he is justified in doing so. No matter what she did, he is not.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05OK, so where did the allegations come from, then?
0:24:05 > 0:24:06APPLAUSE
0:24:09 > 0:24:12The allegations come from an e-mail discovered during
0:24:12 > 0:24:13the court case, which is
0:24:13 > 0:24:17actually trying two of their former assistants for defrauding them.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21He's put an e-mail in saying, "She was off her face on coke for
0:24:21 > 0:24:22"ten years, but I didn't notice
0:24:22 > 0:24:27"and I only discovered that she was on coke shortly after she left me."
0:24:27 > 0:24:28LAUGHTER
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Saatchi also called his ex-wife by a clever nickname in the email.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Anyone know what that was?
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Oh, all of a sudden, he's writing headlines for the newspaper.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37- He called her Higella.- Higella.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Although, the Metro went for...
0:24:43 > 0:24:45- LAUGHTER - I know.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Which, interestingly, Private Eye ran as a headline
0:24:47 > 0:24:50for a picture of David Cameron when he was burnt on the beach.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52LAUGHTER
0:24:53 > 0:24:57We should point out that the Grillo sisters deny all the charges.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00So, come on, fingers on buzzers, teams, please.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02PENNYWHISTLE BLOWS
0:25:05 > 0:25:06BELL RINGS
0:25:06 > 0:25:10- That's Heathrow Airport.- Correct. Which terminal?- Five.- Correct.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12It's the new one and they've found out that
0:25:12 > 0:25:14- you can't change the light bulbs. - I know.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16LAUGHTER
0:25:17 > 0:25:21- Yes!- Well, the ladder's not tall enough, that's why.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Either that or it's going on holiday.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Is the ladder going on holiday?
0:25:25 > 0:25:28According to the Daily Mail, since the terminal opened in 2008,
0:25:28 > 0:25:31not a single bulb has been replaced and...
0:25:35 > 0:25:36LAUGHTER
0:25:36 > 0:25:38It's like my Christmas tree!
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Which might explain why baggage handlers mistake the words
0:25:42 > 0:25:44"New York" for Kuala Lumpur.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46LAUGHTER
0:25:46 > 0:25:50- What is the solution? - They're using a circus company.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52I think it's Cirque du Soleil.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Serco!
0:25:54 > 0:25:55LAUGHTER
0:25:55 > 0:25:57APPLAUSE
0:25:58 > 0:26:03And what are Brussels sprouts helping to light up?
0:26:03 > 0:26:04My life.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06LAUGHTER
0:26:06 > 0:26:10- Easy!- I love Brussels sprouts! I always have.- Whoa.- They're delicious.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13You can make them in a nice butter sauce. Do you like Brussels sprouts?
0:26:13 > 0:26:16It's an audition for Nigella's show!
0:26:16 > 0:26:18LAUGHTER Maybe.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22Well, a team of scientists have managed to use sprouts to
0:26:22 > 0:26:24power a battery, which is
0:26:24 > 0:26:27lighting a Christmas tree on London's South Bank, according to
0:26:27 > 0:26:32Sean Miles, one of the scientists behind the sprout battery.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36HE BABBLES
0:26:36 > 0:26:37LAUGHTER
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Sean, you idiot!
0:26:44 > 0:26:45LAUGHTER
0:26:45 > 0:26:49- Well, that was good timing.- There can't be anything wrong with that.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53You know, the nice thing about doing a long run in a show
0:26:53 > 0:26:56is that you've got, you know, you can change it from night to night.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59The thing about these things, you've just got the...
0:26:59 > 0:27:01SNAPS FINGERS
0:27:01 > 0:27:03- One chance.- Well, obviously not.
0:27:03 > 0:27:04LAUGHTER
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Apropos, out of nothing...
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Have you seen the way Newsnight have begun introducing guests
0:27:12 > 0:27:15in an unsubtle way? Here's Will Young.
0:27:15 > 0:27:16LAUGHTER
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28PENNYWHISTLE BLOWS
0:27:31 > 0:27:32- BUZZER - Yes?
0:27:32 > 0:27:36It's a story in the Daily Mail that is absolutely fictitious
0:27:36 > 0:27:39and it's been a disgraceful story,
0:27:39 > 0:27:41but it says that Rupert Murdoch no longer talks to Tony Blair
0:27:41 > 0:27:47and won't take his calls and it relates to his wife.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Yes, this is the news that Tony Blair has fallen out with
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Rupert Murdoch amid rumours that he may have
0:27:52 > 0:27:55secretly met his ex-wife, Wendi Deng.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Now, we, for legal reasons,
0:27:57 > 0:27:59must point out that Blair's friends told
0:27:59 > 0:28:01the Mail On Sunday that the relationship between him
0:28:01 > 0:28:05and Rupert Murdoch's ex-wife was entirely innocent and above board.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07I thought you were going to say that he denied
0:28:07 > 0:28:10the relationship between Tony Blair and Rupert Murdoch,
0:28:10 > 0:28:13which was never innocent, was it, Alan?
0:28:13 > 0:28:15- Why are you asking me? - Well, you were in the Cabinet.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18They must have told you something at some point?
0:28:18 > 0:28:20I never saw Rupert there once.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22I thought he sat in on Cabinet in the Blair years.
0:28:22 > 0:28:26I thought it was Tony, Gordon, Rupert, and then you did the tea.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Yeah, it was... LAUGHTER
0:28:29 > 0:28:33Alan, you know Blair. Do you think he might dig-Deng? Sorry, ding-dong?
0:28:33 > 0:28:34Sorry!
0:28:34 > 0:28:37LAUGHTER
0:28:37 > 0:28:40Are we in the section of the show that'll never be broadcast?
0:28:40 > 0:28:41LAUGHTER
0:28:41 > 0:28:44From the dirty digger to a grave-digger.
0:28:44 > 0:28:47Why did this man lose his job?
0:28:47 > 0:28:51Because he smiled and it was thought for him
0:28:51 > 0:28:54to be irreverent to be smiling.
0:28:54 > 0:28:59- He said his hand was up there to shield his eyes from the sun.- Yeah.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01And that he wasn't being in any way disrespectful.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04I mean, I think it's...I'm on his side.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06- I'm worried about his other hand.
0:29:06 > 0:29:08LAUGHTER
0:29:10 > 0:29:14This is the claim that Tony Blair secretly met Wendell...Wendell?
0:29:14 > 0:29:16LAUGHTER
0:29:17 > 0:29:19- Wendell Holmes!- Wendell and Wonga, I was going to say.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21You obviously know her better than we do.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23LAUGHTER
0:29:23 > 0:29:26This is the claim that Tony Blair secretly met
0:29:26 > 0:29:29Wendi Deng behind Rupert Murdoch's back.
0:29:29 > 0:29:31Any suggestion that Tony Blair has been
0:29:31 > 0:29:35involved in an extramarital affair is based on unsubstantiated
0:29:35 > 0:29:38rumour and no solid evidence whatsoever.
0:29:38 > 0:29:40Still, people have gone to war for less.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42LAUGHTER
0:29:42 > 0:29:44AUDIENCE GROANS
0:29:44 > 0:29:46Which means, at the end of this round,
0:29:46 > 0:29:48it's Ian and Katherine with five
0:29:48 > 0:29:51- and Paul and Alan with four.- Yay!
0:29:51 > 0:29:53APPLAUSE
0:30:00 > 0:30:03Time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06Paul and Alan, Ed Miliband, Prince Charles,
0:30:06 > 0:30:09the Israelites and Dale Irby.
0:30:09 > 0:30:12Is it something to do with red?
0:30:12 > 0:30:14It's to do... Lobbs. Charles Lobbs.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16Lobbs, shoes. Make of shoe.
0:30:16 > 0:30:18Have you just given us the answer?
0:30:18 > 0:30:20- Sorry, darling. - Quite all right, love.
0:30:20 > 0:30:22No love, darling, not at the moment.
0:30:22 > 0:30:24If you read the answer out before we've given it,
0:30:24 > 0:30:27- we don't get any points. - I know, I know.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29- And points mean prizes. - Points mean prizes.
0:30:29 > 0:30:32- You take this seriously, don't you? - Of course I take it seriously!
0:30:32 > 0:30:35LAUGHTER
0:30:35 > 0:30:38I thought it was light entertainment, light and frothy.
0:30:38 > 0:30:39- Oh, no!- No.
0:30:39 > 0:30:42- Where from, darling? - STAGECREW: Just from here.
0:30:42 > 0:30:43Acting.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46LAUGHTER
0:30:46 > 0:30:48APPLAUSE
0:30:56 > 0:30:58BUZZER
0:30:58 > 0:31:00Overacting.
0:31:01 > 0:31:04APPLAUSE
0:31:07 > 0:31:09They've all worn the same clothes.
0:31:09 > 0:31:12This man always wears the same clothes in photographs.
0:31:12 > 0:31:16He was in the news. Charles always wears the same pair of shoes.
0:31:16 > 0:31:20The Israelites, they couldn't change their clothes.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22The Egyptians gave them no time to pack.
0:31:23 > 0:31:27And Red Ed only wears red underneath his clothes.
0:31:27 > 0:31:28Almost, Ian, almost.
0:31:28 > 0:31:31They've all worn the same clothing for four decades
0:31:31 > 0:31:32apart from Ed Miliband.
0:31:32 > 0:31:34On Desert Island Discs, the Labour leader admitted
0:31:34 > 0:31:39he always wore a purple jumper and white trousers to discos.
0:31:39 > 0:31:40It's not the most controversial thing
0:31:40 > 0:31:42Ed Miliband's done as regards clothing.
0:31:42 > 0:31:46That was when he slipped into his brother's shoes at the last minute.
0:31:48 > 0:31:52What was Ed's favourite song to dance to in those days?
0:31:52 > 0:31:54- SINGS:- The Israelites.
0:31:57 > 0:32:01- It was A-ha. - Yeah, it was Take On Me by A-ha.
0:32:01 > 0:32:03Is it a worry for Labour that Ed
0:32:03 > 0:32:04doesn't have the sex appeal of Nick Clegg?
0:32:07 > 0:32:11And Dale Irby is our gym teacher who's worn the same outfit
0:32:11 > 0:32:15for the school yearbook photo for forty years
0:32:15 > 0:32:17until he retired this year.
0:32:17 > 0:32:20- LAUGHTER - Here's Dale in 1973.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23And here's Dale in 2013.
0:32:24 > 0:32:27Let's have a look at all the other photos. Have a look.
0:32:28 > 0:32:31There they all are, and he's suffering from a combination
0:32:31 > 0:32:32of two medical conditions.
0:32:32 > 0:32:34He's got BOCD.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39Ian and Katherine, here are yours.
0:32:39 > 0:32:43Iain Duncan Smith, the seagulls in Herne Bay,
0:32:43 > 0:32:45Beyonce and Northerners.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47LAUGHTER
0:32:48 > 0:32:53Well, I know that Beyonce was recently banned from the pyramids
0:32:53 > 0:32:57because an important man in Egypt did not like her.
0:32:57 > 0:32:59He said she was stupid.
0:32:59 > 0:33:01I know that people in Herne Bay were banned from feeding
0:33:01 > 0:33:03the seagulls for the opposite reason,
0:33:03 > 0:33:07because they were so intelligent and they were overrunning the area.
0:33:07 > 0:33:10Iain Duncan Smith, has he been banned?
0:33:10 > 0:33:11Should be.
0:33:13 > 0:33:18Iain Duncan Smith was kind of accused of being stupid by John Major.
0:33:18 > 0:33:20- Wasn't it Osborne? - That's right, by Osborne.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23So is this about people being accused of being stupid?
0:33:23 > 0:33:25The Northerners are the odd ones out.
0:33:25 > 0:33:27And Beyonce's about to make a guest appearance
0:33:27 > 0:33:29in Last Of The Summer Wine.
0:33:29 > 0:33:30Nora Bootie.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36They've all had their intelligence questioned
0:33:36 > 0:33:39except the seagulls in Herne Bay.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41According to the Metro...
0:33:44 > 0:33:47LAUGHTER
0:33:55 > 0:33:57These are no ordinary seagulls.
0:33:57 > 0:34:00The Herne Bay Neighbourhood Watch services' Larissa Reed,
0:34:00 > 0:34:01she's getting very worried.
0:34:10 > 0:34:14Now, what they need, these seagulls, is a charismatic leader.
0:34:14 > 0:34:16Step forward...
0:34:16 > 0:34:17..Ken Livingstone Seagull.
0:34:20 > 0:34:23It sounds ridiculous. You wait until you live with raccoons.
0:34:23 > 0:34:27If raccoons were in the UK, we wouldn't be here.
0:34:28 > 0:34:31They've got opposable thumbs, they're not afraid,
0:34:31 > 0:34:32they're as big as dogs,
0:34:32 > 0:34:35they can open bins, unlock doors, they can do it all.
0:34:35 > 0:34:38Can raccoons get the remote control and change the channel?
0:34:38 > 0:34:39- They absolutely could.- Bastards.
0:34:42 > 0:34:45I hope they're watching tonight, that's all I can say.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49What is 71-year-old Herne Bay resident
0:34:49 > 0:34:51Ms Dina Wilson now reduced to?
0:34:51 > 0:34:53Gullibility.
0:34:54 > 0:34:58- Seven stone four.- Hanging out the washing with a colander on her head.
0:35:00 > 0:35:02PAUL LAUGHS
0:35:03 > 0:35:05Beyonce was called "stupid"
0:35:05 > 0:35:08by Egypt's former Minister of Antiquities,
0:35:08 > 0:35:11the controversial archaeologist, Zahi Hawass,
0:35:11 > 0:35:13who was showing her the pyramids.
0:35:13 > 0:35:15And she was showing him "haw-ass".
0:35:19 > 0:35:21Anyway, in his Yorkshire Post column,
0:35:21 > 0:35:23Sir Bernard Ingham accused Northerners of...
0:35:26 > 0:35:29..for saying they'd never vote Conservative.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35True, they're not all la-di-da.
0:35:35 > 0:35:38Eric Pickles is just "la-di".
0:35:40 > 0:35:42Which means at this end of this round,
0:35:42 > 0:35:45it's Ian and Katherine with seven
0:35:45 > 0:35:47and Alan and Paul with five.
0:35:47 > 0:35:50APPLAUSE
0:35:53 > 0:35:56KATHERINE AND IAN CONFER
0:35:56 > 0:35:59So, time now for the Missing Words Round
0:35:59 > 0:36:02which this week features as its guest publication...
0:36:05 > 0:36:09The magazine of tiles and architectural ceramics.
0:36:09 > 0:36:10We start with...
0:36:14 > 0:36:15What?
0:36:15 > 0:36:18Has introduced a talking weasel into number 72.
0:36:18 > 0:36:20Is there a whole weasel family?
0:36:20 > 0:36:22Yeah, they've moved in. The Weasels.
0:36:22 > 0:36:23Do they say, "Leave it out!"?
0:36:23 > 0:36:25No, no, they're not cockney weasels.
0:36:26 > 0:36:28In fact...
0:36:33 > 0:36:35Next...
0:36:35 > 0:36:37What?
0:36:37 > 0:36:39You don't know what you've got till it's gone.
0:36:39 > 0:36:41- That's very profound, Alan. - Thank you.
0:36:41 > 0:36:44You don't know the Weasels at number 72, do you?
0:36:50 > 0:36:54This is a British couple intending to travel to San Jose, Mexico.
0:36:54 > 0:36:55According to The Sun...
0:37:00 > 0:37:04That's actually nearer than Ryanair's flight to San Jose.
0:37:04 > 0:37:06Next...
0:37:07 > 0:37:08What?
0:37:08 > 0:37:10Darwin dumped on the Galapagos.
0:37:13 > 0:37:14It's a very old story.
0:37:15 > 0:37:18Darwin dumped weasels at number 71.
0:37:18 > 0:37:20"Here you are, evolve", he said.
0:37:24 > 0:37:27This is the canoe man John Darwin who broke
0:37:27 > 0:37:31the terms of his parole to visit Anna in the Ukraine.
0:37:31 > 0:37:33Next... What?
0:37:36 > 0:37:37Not more slaves.
0:37:40 > 0:37:41Is it Julian Assange?
0:37:44 > 0:37:46Next...
0:37:46 > 0:37:48What?
0:37:48 > 0:37:52I'll look at my life in a spiritual sense
0:37:52 > 0:37:55and realise that perhaps it will be best for everyone concerned
0:37:55 > 0:37:58if I retreat to the golden plains of Peru
0:37:58 > 0:38:00where I will contemplate the universe
0:38:00 > 0:38:02and the enormous hum that comes from the...
0:38:02 > 0:38:04Oh, it's too big for that bit, isn't it?
0:38:04 > 0:38:06Is it, "I'll go to Chiswick?"
0:38:10 > 0:38:13This is part of the expenses scandal with Nadine Dorries
0:38:13 > 0:38:17using taxpayer's money to employ her daughter as her secretary.
0:38:17 > 0:38:19According to The Sunday Mirror...
0:38:24 > 0:38:26Even worse, she was going to claim for the nail.
0:38:28 > 0:38:29Next...
0:38:31 > 0:38:33What?
0:38:33 > 0:38:35Produce a book of cartoons for the Christmas market?
0:38:38 > 0:38:40Ever make anyone laugh.
0:38:40 > 0:38:41Ooh!
0:38:45 > 0:38:46..give away...
0:38:46 > 0:38:48- Tiles! - ..tiles?
0:38:48 > 0:38:49Let's have a look at them.
0:38:51 > 0:38:52I'm not sure what's going on here.
0:38:52 > 0:38:54Willie Rushton drawings, aren't they?
0:38:54 > 0:38:56Gosh, this must have been in the '60s.
0:38:56 > 0:38:58Desperate for readers even then!
0:38:59 > 0:39:00Next...
0:39:03 > 0:39:05Compassion.
0:39:08 > 0:39:10Richard III's bones.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13- Saint Peter's bones. - Yes.
0:39:13 > 0:39:17According to The Telegraph, the Pope showed Saint Peter's bones to
0:39:17 > 0:39:20mark the end of the Vatican's Year of Faith.
0:39:20 > 0:39:21Year of Faith?
0:39:21 > 0:39:24What have they been doing for the last 2,000 years?
0:39:24 > 0:39:25Next...
0:39:27 > 0:39:29- What?- Spanish! It's always Spanish.
0:39:29 > 0:39:31People get banged on the head, eh, buenos dias.
0:39:33 > 0:39:34No.
0:39:38 > 0:39:40Finally...
0:39:40 > 0:39:41What?
0:39:41 > 0:39:44Badgering causes the Weasels to move out of Coronation Street.
0:39:49 > 0:39:52Monty Don got involved in an argument on Twitter over
0:39:52 > 0:39:53the badger cull.
0:39:53 > 0:39:57According to the Farmer's Weekly, the row began when...
0:40:02 > 0:40:04A badger march?
0:40:04 > 0:40:06Well, that's the time to cull them, surely?
0:40:08 > 0:40:09Come on.
0:40:09 > 0:40:12So the final scores are...
0:40:12 > 0:40:14Ian and Katherine with seven.
0:40:14 > 0:40:17And Paul and Alan have...
0:40:17 > 0:40:19- eight. - Hey, what?
0:40:26 > 0:40:30Yes, but, before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.
0:40:30 > 0:40:33He's saying, "What do you mean this train doesn't go to Primrose Hill?"
0:40:35 > 0:40:37"Are you lonely of Chatham?"
0:40:40 > 0:40:43On which note we say thank you to our panellist Ian Hislop
0:40:43 > 0:40:46and Katherine Ryan. Paul Merton and Alan Johnson.
0:40:46 > 0:40:49And I leave you with the news that at the National Theatre
0:40:49 > 0:40:53as she reprises her role as Her Majesty the Queen, Helen Mirren
0:40:53 > 0:40:56regrets not employing her regular make-up artist.
0:41:00 > 0:41:03In Nevada, a test pilot makes his way towards
0:41:03 > 0:41:07the cockpit of the most sophisticated stealth bomber yet.
0:41:11 > 0:41:15And as the USA's national debt spirals out of control,
0:41:15 > 0:41:18President Obama is accused of squandering taxpayer's money
0:41:18 > 0:41:20on his Christmas party hat.
0:41:24 > 0:41:25Good night.
0:41:56 > 0:41:59Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd