:00:00. > :00:36.This programme contains some strong language.
:00:37. > :00:42.Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Kathy Burke. In
:00:43. > :00:46.the news this week The runner-up graciously concedes defeat as the
:00:47. > :00:58.winner of the 2013 Twat of the Year Award is announced. The winner of
:00:59. > :01:02.the 2013 Twat of the Year award is announced. After four of the Spice
:01:03. > :01:14.Girls refuse another comeback tour, Gerri Halliwell starts rehearsals
:01:15. > :01:18.without them. There's evidence that whilst Nigella Lawson was on drugs
:01:19. > :01:31.she may have made a few mistakes with her burrito recipe. On Ian's
:01:32. > :01:32.team tonight is a Conservative MP who, at university, studied
:01:33. > :01:41.Classical Civilisation and Mesopotamian Archaeology. So, he's
:01:42. > :01:51.one of the more forward-thinking members of the Tory party. Please
:01:52. > :01:55.welcome, Tim Loughton MP. And with Paul tonight is a comedian who was
:01:56. > :01:59.recently described as a leading light of the new wave of niceness in
:02:00. > :02:11.comedy. What a sick-making load of old bollocks. Please welcome prize
:02:12. > :02:17.arsehole, Miles Jupp. Should I be clapping that? And we start with the
:02:18. > :02:23.bigger stories of the week. Paul and Miles, take a look at this. This is
:02:24. > :02:28.David Cameron in China. He's very interested in red carpets and he's
:02:29. > :02:33.been shown a lot of them. MILES: He loves a footwell. "Ah, so the feet
:02:34. > :02:36.go there!" So, yes, he's in China, isn't he? He's selling us to the
:02:37. > :02:40.Chinese. Well, they own a lot already, don't they? They own
:02:41. > :02:43.Weetabix. Do they? I found that out the other day. Weetabix! Every time
:02:44. > :02:47.you eat one you're helping the Red Army. That's one way of looking at
:02:48. > :02:51.it. They own quite a lot of government these days. Not allowed
:02:52. > :02:54.to say what we like about the Dalai Lama. No, that's right...well. Have
:02:55. > :02:57.you noticed, on the menus, at every dinner for at least 5,000 people
:02:58. > :03:00.they have laid on for the Prime Minister this week, they've had
:03:01. > :03:03.bamboo fungus on the menu. Apparently a delicacy. Yes. I think
:03:04. > :03:06.it's like Polonium. They're obviously drip feeding him this, to
:03:07. > :03:10.condition him, and when he comes back at the required moment they can
:03:11. > :03:15.press the button and say "Kill the Dalai Lama", or whatever it is.
:03:16. > :03:24.You're quite bitter about this, aren't you? No. Because he did fire
:03:25. > :03:34.you, didn't he? Who, the Dalai Lama? Yeah. You used to be a monk. I've
:03:35. > :03:46.never been a monk. The haircut wouldn't suit me. You would make a
:03:47. > :03:53.good monk. No! He's halfway there. I don't look good in orange, either.
:03:54. > :03:56.Oh, I don't know. I can see you setting fire to yourself. I was
:03:57. > :04:00.trying to be nice, you... You were trying to be nice! You suggest he
:04:01. > :04:04.sets fire to himself. He's on your side. We've only been going for two
:04:05. > :04:08.minutes. Who has got a can of petrol? The Prime Minister told you
:04:09. > :04:13.not to meet the Dalai Lama, and then you resigned, didn't you? I didn't
:04:14. > :04:17.meet the Dalai Lama at the time, no. You got all that wrong. Oh, well,
:04:18. > :04:20.you can set fire to yourself, then. I met the Dalai Lama. He's a lovely
:04:21. > :04:24.man. I'm sure he's charming. He chuckles a lot. He's up at three
:04:25. > :04:28.o'clock in the morning, every day. Did you now that? I didn't, no.
:04:29. > :04:31.Fantastic man. MILES: Is that to meet you under cover of darkness?
:04:32. > :04:35.He's got a very difficult paper round. And what can we sell to
:04:36. > :04:38.China? Well, they've got plenty of red carpet, that much we have
:04:39. > :04:41.established. I don't know. Things they don't have. According to the
:04:42. > :04:45.Metro, David Cameron signs the deal to send ?45 million worth of pig
:04:46. > :04:52.semen to China. He did well to pull that off. Yes. I don't know how
:04:53. > :04:58.expensive this commodity is, so whether ?45 million is a lot, or
:04:59. > :05:02.just a thimble full, I've no idea. What did they refer to Britain as It
:05:03. > :05:05.said we were an old country not very important, we were good to have a
:05:06. > :05:12.visit and maybe get an education. But not a big deal any more for
:05:13. > :05:17.them. Yeah. Time to burn the summer Palace again. Is it the cold weather
:05:18. > :05:23.putting you in this mood? You want to set fire to everything. Actually,
:05:24. > :05:26.there's a funny, buzzing, noise. Could someone turn their phone off,
:05:27. > :05:32.please? I'll bet it's Tim. Shit. Yes, that's me. See, I knew it...
:05:33. > :05:39.Busted. Yeah, it's the Dalai Lama. I know, Ian, why don't you set fire to
:05:40. > :05:46.his phone? What was David Cameron doing on Weibo? It's Twitter, isn't
:05:47. > :05:49.it? He got 150,000 followers within a few minutes, and then, the first
:05:50. > :05:53.thing he got back, somebody said "Mr Prime Minister, are you bringing
:05:54. > :05:56.opium with you?" That's a good folk memory, the last time Britain was
:05:57. > :06:03.big, we were shipping in narcotics on mass. We should send in some of
:06:04. > :06:06.our celebrities. No, he appeared on Chinese telly, with his new two
:06:07. > :06:11.words, "kow" and "tow". They're Mandarin. He did say something very
:06:12. > :06:29.impressive, have you got a clip? I don't know if we've got a clip of
:06:30. > :06:33.him saying something impressive. All right, it's just Chinese. No, we
:06:34. > :06:37.haven't. What did...? What was it he did that so impressed you? Oh, he
:06:38. > :06:41.just spoke Mandarin for a bit. It's quite hard. He may have made it all
:06:42. > :06:44.up, I don't know. He said they should definitely teach Mandarin in
:06:45. > :06:47.schools. That's a bit patronising, I imagine they already do.
:06:48. > :06:55.Extraordinary way to behave. The Chinese said they want more Downton
:06:56. > :07:02.Abbey. And, MrPrime Minister, are you bringing opium with you? A
:07:03. > :07:11.reference to the wars. And nothing else All those rumours about the
:07:12. > :07:14.Bullingdon club. Why, according to the Telegraph, does the Prime
:07:15. > :07:19.Minister value Prime Minister's Question Time? Gets him out of the
:07:20. > :07:29.house? No, it gets him in the House. He said... Smart move. David Cameron
:07:30. > :07:32.had two official banquets...banquets? Is that how you
:07:33. > :07:36.say it? Depends what the word is, really? If it's written down,
:07:37. > :07:40."rhododendron", then it probably isn't. David Cameron had two
:07:41. > :07:47.official banquets with powerful Chinese leaders. What did he eat?
:07:48. > :07:55.Bamboo fungus. This bamboo fungus, known, according to the Mail, as...
:07:56. > :08:11.An old boyfriend of mine had that once. I was happy. What did break
:08:12. > :08:21.bring as gifts for the Chinese? Pig semen. Cufflinks. Novelty ones. They
:08:22. > :08:28.light up in the dark. Pandas. A picture of himself. Yes. With his
:08:29. > :08:32.wife. Didn't know who he was? They had Boris last time, they thought it
:08:33. > :08:36.was him again. He brought a signed football shirt a picture of himself
:08:37. > :08:46.and his lovely wife and a biography of Thatcher. Perfect. Who signed the
:08:47. > :08:53.football shirt? It doesn't say. England football team. Those who
:08:54. > :08:56.didn't... On the subject of superpowers behaving badly, what
:08:57. > :08:59.have the Russians been doing in the Ukraine? They've been trying to
:09:00. > :09:02.prevent democracy. Ukraine is very keen on closer ties with Europe. The
:09:03. > :09:06.Russians are very keen on closer ties with themselves. They had a
:09:07. > :09:12.vote, Putin voted once, and he decided that's it. So, that's it,
:09:13. > :09:18.really, poor old Ukraine. It's the only place in the world you can see
:09:19. > :09:20.people flying an EU flag happily. They've been interrupting Ukrainian
:09:21. > :09:22.TV coverage of pro-Western demonstrations with clips from a
:09:23. > :09:27.genuine children's programme about basic bodily functions. Here's a
:09:28. > :09:44.talking bottom sitting next to a turd and a stream of piss. Oh, no,
:09:45. > :09:49.sorry, that's the latest panel of Loose Women. Who's the cactus? A
:09:50. > :09:54.walk-on guest? What's that representing? Sexually transmitted
:09:55. > :09:57.diseases? I hate looking at jobs I auditioned for and didn't get. Yeah.
:09:58. > :10:09.APPLAUSE This is the most blatant attempt by a British Prime Minister
:10:10. > :10:14.to woo the Chinese... Since Tony phoned Wendi to check Rupert was
:10:15. > :10:16.out. Britain has come under attack from the Chinese Communist Party
:10:17. > :10:20.Newspaper, the Global Times, as being... I hear you, China, but
:10:21. > :10:37.takeaways and a shit Olympics - back at you. According to the Daily
:10:38. > :10:46.Mail... Well, if there's one thing there's never a shortage of in
:10:47. > :10:52.China, it's dolls for baby girls. LAUGHTER AND GROANS. Ian and Tim,
:10:53. > :10:55.take a look at this, please. Right. Now, that's the Chancellor. And
:10:56. > :10:58.again. Oh, look, they've got the same tie on. Isn't that embarrassing
:10:59. > :11:01.when that happens? What's the Chancellor been up to? OK, well,
:11:02. > :11:04.today he's been up to a lot. The economy is booming. And George is
:11:05. > :11:10.cruising effortlessly to economic domination of the globe. Right. Was
:11:11. > :11:17.that a party political broadcast? That's what it said on my briefing
:11:18. > :11:20.sheet we were given after the glorious speech. I don't know why
:11:21. > :11:23.you're laughing, it's fantastic. I think it's because they don't
:11:24. > :11:26.believe you. Oh, OK. What's he done now, then? He's come up with an
:11:27. > :11:30.autumn statement. Mm-hm. The particulars of which you're riveted
:11:31. > :11:34.by. Oh... "All the leaves are brown. "And the sky is grey." Yes, a lot of
:11:35. > :11:38.interesting things. Mm-hm. No more tax discs on your car. You'll just
:11:39. > :11:41.do it online. And they'll say, "Oh, you haven't got your password, "you
:11:42. > :11:46.can't do it." And then they'll arrest you. And then they'll set
:11:47. > :11:50.your car on fire. Yeah. You should be happy. Then I'll go down to the
:11:51. > :11:56.Post Office and set THEM on fire. Yeah, exactly. After Royal Mail what
:11:57. > :12:04.have they decided is the next asset to be sold off? Oxygen. What's left?
:12:05. > :12:08.The unemployed. It's the country's stake in Eurostar. You know how
:12:09. > :12:14.tough George Osbourne's policies can be. Shall we take a look? No. I am
:12:15. > :12:18.very happy with the policy announced yesterday. It's tough, it's a
:12:19. > :12:25.difficult choice but it's fair. End of. It doesn't need a review? End
:12:26. > :12:47.of. End of. You said we have to see what comes along... End of. Funny
:12:48. > :12:50.you should use that clip. Cos you had it on this programme two years
:12:51. > :12:54.ago, when it happened. We did. Yeah, and I remember your quote at the
:12:55. > :12:58.time was, "End of your career." And you were right! Two years too early,
:12:59. > :13:01.but, yeah. Yeah, well, it's funnier now. Yeah, it is. True. David
:13:02. > :13:05.Cameron has been going out of his way not to mention the Dalai Lama or
:13:06. > :13:09.human rights. But what has he been going on about all week? Um... Well,
:13:10. > :13:13.what he's been going on about is how good together him and George Osborne
:13:14. > :13:14.are. Oh, right. There have been rumours of splits recently, but
:13:15. > :13:33.Cameron told journalists... Yeah, right, I saw George trying to
:13:34. > :13:39.throttle him when he was off his head on coke. Nah, not really, I
:13:40. > :13:43.made it up! Did ya? In other George Osborne news, what's he got now that
:13:44. > :13:49.he didn't have last week? He's got a nice little dog. Does what he says.
:13:50. > :13:56.He's called it Nick. He's bought a Bichon Frise. Mm. Which I thought
:13:57. > :14:01.was a starter. It is, in China. Maybe. Ooh... Yeah, he's got Lola
:14:02. > :14:06.living with him. Inevitably, he posted a picture on Twitter. ALL:
:14:07. > :14:12.Ahh. That's nice. First time anyone's gone, "Ahh," about George
:14:13. > :14:19.Osborne. And in other Tory news, what's the latest on Lady Thatcher?
:14:20. > :14:34.Still dead. She's got a Christmas single. That's brilliant. "Ding Dong
:14:35. > :14:38.The Witch Is Still Dead." Very, very bad. Very bad. Very, very bad. A
:14:39. > :14:42.copy of her will appears to show that the ?12 million central London
:14:43. > :14:45.house she lived in wasn't actually owned by her, but by an anonymous
:14:46. > :14:53.trust registered in the British Virgin Islands. MAN CACKLES
:14:54. > :15:00.Vodafone! And there's a man here knows their national anthem. Where
:15:01. > :15:07.do you stand on tax avoidance? It's a very bad thing. Yeah. Next. I
:15:08. > :15:13.haven't avoided any tax, have you a clip of that? They haven't got
:15:14. > :15:24.anything. Now we can start looking. You are sensitive nowadays. Thanks
:15:25. > :15:28.for that confidence booster, Ian. Might as well set fire to yourself
:15:29. > :15:34.for God's sake. Can't do that if you are washed up. Did anyone see Keith
:15:35. > :15:39.Vaz talking about his new hospital this week? Want to have a look? At
:15:40. > :15:43.the end of the day we will have to wait and see whether they come to
:15:44. > :15:58.fruition or whether, like the Pathway project, when we were
:15:59. > :16:01.promised a new spanking hospital... LAUGHTER
:16:02. > :16:20.It's a form of alternative medicine, they absolutely thrash you. This is
:16:21. > :16:23.the Chancellor's autumn statement. David Cameron insists that his
:16:24. > :16:30.relationship with George Osborne remains strong, saying... A
:16:31. > :16:42.combination which is then inserted into Nick Clegg to work his mouth.
:16:43. > :16:46.Ahem, yeah. This week, George Osborne got a new dog. For an
:16:47. > :16:49.ex-public schoolboy, having a dog is a bit like having your own fag, only
:16:50. > :17:04.after fetching your slippers, the dog licks his own bollocks.
:17:05. > :17:11.Don't know what you're laughing about, Miles. Sorry, I have just
:17:12. > :17:14.lost... Paul and Miles... Yeah. ..here's another for you lovely
:17:15. > :17:17.boys. Fantastic. Money being printed. Obviously. RBS - Royal Bank
:17:18. > :17:20.of Scotland not giving people money. Um, being very, very bad people.
:17:21. > :17:24.People couldn't get their credit cards to work the other day, when it
:17:25. > :17:27.was one of the biggest shopping days of the year, Christmas rush and all
:17:28. > :17:31.that, so people are very unhappy with the Royal Bank of Scotland.
:17:32. > :17:34.That's right, yes. Yeah. This is news that serial cock-up merchants
:17:35. > :17:37.RBS cocked up again this week, leaving customers unable to use
:17:38. > :17:41.their cards. And on the busiest day of the year for online shopping,
:17:42. > :17:51.too. What have the press and sad, desperate marketing people been
:17:52. > :17:54.trying to do? Call this a special day. Black Friday, or something.
:17:55. > :17:58.TIM: Cyber Monday. Supersonic Tuesday. Next it'll be Wank
:17:59. > :18:08.Wednesday... Thuck off Thursday. The director of John Lewis online told
:18:09. > :18:15.the Times... Oh, give it a rest. I quite like the idea of things
:18:16. > :18:18.CATCHING FIRE on a Friday! What was the effect of all this hype? People
:18:19. > :18:23.were fighting in Argos. Don't they go to Argos and hit each other? I've
:18:24. > :18:29.seen it on the news, it's fantastic. You know what they're going to be
:18:30. > :18:33.doing next? Ssh! People attacking each other in Argos? You've seen
:18:34. > :18:43.this on the news? Yeah. Well, he's not been there, has he? APPLAUSE.
:18:44. > :18:53.That's the Greek God of shopping, Argos. Was it? No. A shopping scrum
:18:54. > :18:58.in Newcastle, this is London and this is in Bristol. A near riot
:18:59. > :19:03.started apparently when that bloke tried to buy two discounted tellies.
:19:04. > :19:07.You're only allowed one at ASDA. Could have been worse, in America
:19:08. > :19:12.there were two shooting incidents during disputes at shopping malls.
:19:13. > :19:18.To be fair, it was buy one, get one free on guns last week. As always,
:19:19. > :19:21.the go-to woman at a time like this is 55-year-old Margaret Green from
:19:22. > :19:27.Newcastle. What does she have to say about it all? She likes a fight. I
:19:28. > :19:33.always go, like to watch the young men fight, she says. It was bedlam,
:19:34. > :19:37.I was ashamed to be English, she told The Express and The Sun and The
:19:38. > :19:43.Star and The Mirror and The Telegraph and The Guardian. Come on
:19:44. > :19:50.Independent, what's the matter with you? Also this week, it emerged that
:19:51. > :19:53.Britain is way ahead of all other European countries in terms of what?
:19:54. > :19:57.Growth - we're growing much more than other people. Other people look
:19:58. > :20:01.at us saying, FRENCH ACCENT: "I wish I was English." It's the way it has
:20:02. > :20:05.been. But not everybody from Denmark thinks that. It's actually how much
:20:06. > :20:11.we are paying our bakers. Oh, no, hang on, it's bankers, yes. The Mary
:20:12. > :20:20.Berrys... Good idea for a programme, though, isn't it? IAN AND KATHY:
:20:21. > :20:23."Great British Bank Off." It's based on the figures for bankers who earn
:20:24. > :20:28.more than one million euros. The UK has 2,714 of them. I'm a bit
:20:29. > :20:32.brain-dead with all that. You know, the bankers... Other people's money.
:20:33. > :20:37.I know. It's awful. Better putting it all in a pile and just... Burn
:20:38. > :20:40.it. And finally, in other retail news this week, online retailer
:20:41. > :20:44.Amazon revealed that in the future, they plan to deliver packages by
:20:45. > :20:48.drones. The Express helpfully showed how the system will work from step
:20:49. > :20:51.one - customer places order - through to step five - the drone
:20:52. > :20:54.takes off from the warehouse. Step seven, the drone lands outside the
:20:55. > :20:59.customer's house, where it releases the package. Although, for some
:21:00. > :21:05.reason, it doesn't show step eight, where some bastard nicks it. What if
:21:06. > :21:10.you wanted to buy a drone? I mean, this is a made-up story. The
:21:11. > :21:14.economics of it - this drone can only deliver one package at one
:21:15. > :21:19.point, where a man with a van has got 50 or 60 packages in the back of
:21:20. > :21:22.his van. You'd have to have 50 or 60 drones replace every van. You're
:21:23. > :21:32.wasted here. I know that. It's the bottle of whisky I had before the
:21:33. > :21:39.recording. If I was Father Christmas... Are you? You're not
:21:40. > :21:43.Father Christmas, are you? Well, I can't really talk about it here. Oh,
:21:44. > :21:49.OK. But he would be excited by drone technology. Maybe he already is.
:21:50. > :21:52.Maybe he's an absolute warmonger. They're not going to send a drone to
:21:53. > :21:57.Ian's house, are they? Cos it's going to turn up back to Amazon on
:21:58. > :22:04.fire. "Coming in to land - he's not going to make it, Skipper!" And
:22:05. > :22:07.finally, has anyone noticed that now Jeremy Paxman's getting old, he has
:22:08. > :22:17.an evening nap in the Newsnight studio and only wakes when they play
:22:18. > :22:21.the theme tune? Have a look at this. Now, time for Newsnight here on BBC
:22:22. > :22:25.Two, with Jeremy Paxman. "NEWSNIGHT" THEME PLAYS Yes, this is RBS, the
:22:26. > :22:38.bank that likes to pay less, whose entire computer system failed on
:22:39. > :22:42.Cyber Monday. To be fair, everyone was affected - even senior bankers
:22:43. > :22:45.found out that their credit cards had stopped working. Paul Flowers
:22:46. > :22:51.had to chop out his coke with his bus pass. According to the
:22:52. > :23:02.Telegraph, in order to dispose of toxic assets... "Also"? What do they
:23:03. > :23:12.think they are at the moment? Ian and Tim, here's another for you.
:23:13. > :23:17.Black Friday sparked chaotic scenes at ASDA. According to The Express, a
:23:18. > :23:20.store in east London was overrun with shelves cleared in two minutes.
:23:21. > :23:26.Beating a record set a couple of summers ago in the Tottenham branch
:23:27. > :23:32.of Foot Locker. One special offer for shoppers in Manchester promised,
:23:33. > :23:48.buy a Christmas tree, get a free kebab. Even offering a choice,
:23:49. > :23:53.donar, blitz... Ian and Tim, here's another for you. Oh, this is our
:23:54. > :23:56.ranking in the world. Apparently, since I left the Department of
:23:57. > :24:00.Education, things aren't going too well. Is that why? Look! Mr Gove,
:24:01. > :24:07.your friend. And his new adviser. He's replaced you with him.
:24:08. > :24:11.Apparently, rankings of British pupils have gone through the floor.
:24:12. > :24:16.We've had years and years of... "Of Labour neglect..." ..Labour neglect.
:24:17. > :24:22.I'll do the echo. And single-handedly, Michael Gove is now
:24:23. > :24:25.rescuing our pupils. For him to do it single-handedly is not a good
:24:26. > :24:30.policy. You don't really like Michael, though, do you? What's not
:24:31. > :24:38.to like, for God's sake? Didn't he say that you were very lazy and
:24:39. > :24:43.useless? Did he? Who did the best? South-East Asian countries.
:24:44. > :24:46.Shanghai. Korea. Yeah, but twice as many people took the tests in
:24:47. > :24:54.Britain as in any of those countries. So, mathematically...
:24:55. > :24:59...I've no idea what that means. That's the problem. You were
:25:00. > :25:06.something to do with schools, weren't you? Before you got the
:25:07. > :25:11.push? Nothing to do with me at all. I looked after children. Is this one
:25:12. > :25:16.for Operation Yewtree? Come on - can we do a Boris IQ question? He did
:25:17. > :25:25.badly, didn't he? On a test this week, old Boris. He was asked some
:25:26. > :25:30.IQ trick questions. First one, what's your name, Boris? These were
:25:31. > :25:35.good these questions. Take two apples from three, what do you have?
:25:36. > :25:41.You have... You have got loads of apples, mate. You have one apple...
:25:42. > :25:45.Listen... You say one apple? What we are talking about... We haven't, you
:25:46. > :25:50.have two. You are now batting zero for two. One more. We are rather
:25:51. > :25:55.proving the point that I made. You brought IQ into the conversation. I
:25:56. > :26:00.went to bed at 8.00pm and wound up my alarm to sound at 9.00 am, how
:26:01. > :26:10.many hours sleep would I get... Wound up my clock and how many hours
:26:11. > :26:17.sleep? Well, I slept like a log. That was nought out of three. An IQ
:26:18. > :26:20.of nil. Also, he blurted out his idea about selling the naming rights
:26:21. > :26:36.for Tube stations to big companies He said... Can't we change the name
:26:37. > :26:39.of London to Shanghai? Can you come up with any other names that could
:26:40. > :26:54.be used? "Oxford Marmalade Circus." "Victoria Secrets"? Trust a Tory MP.
:26:55. > :27:01."Nigella Lawson's Tooting"? This is the news that our education system
:27:02. > :27:04.is failing. The Daily Mail listed the global rankings for maths, which
:27:05. > :27:12.shockingly shows that we came 26th out of ten. Meanwhile, Boris Johnson
:27:13. > :27:30.has failed an intelligence test live on radio. Will you take an
:27:31. > :27:33.intelligence test live on radio? One of the IQ questions that Boris got
:27:34. > :27:36.wrong involves setting an alarm clock, asking... To be fair, Boris
:27:37. > :27:43.didn't really understand the question, as he's normally woken up
:27:44. > :28:01.by her husband coming home. And so to Round Two - the Strengthometer of
:28:02. > :28:13.News. BUZZER. MILES: What's the arrows pointing to? The hair. Lice.
:28:14. > :28:17.Wayneetta. Say that again. Say I am having a fag. I am having a fag.
:28:18. > :28:25.It's actually pointing to their brains. Yes, men and women's brains
:28:26. > :28:31.are different. This is why we can't find things in fridges and why women
:28:32. > :28:36.can't do other things. I don't know whether it's true or not. I am very
:28:37. > :28:44.bad at spotting things in the bridge. There was an elk in there
:28:45. > :28:48.that I failed... It left footprints, that I realised it was there. Men
:28:49. > :28:55.and women's brains are different. Women are sort of better at heating
:28:56. > :29:04.things. What can men apparently do better than women? Go to the toilet
:29:05. > :29:21.standing up. Spacial stuff, awareness. Focussing in. I been a
:29:22. > :29:25.wild Rover... You shouldn't have stopped that, it might have been a
:29:26. > :29:36.golden moment I did say focussing. You are meant to be be better than
:29:37. > :29:40.us. We are not... You are meant to be multitasking. I am doing my
:29:41. > :29:47.ironing now under the desk. Anybody know which big mind news happened in
:29:48. > :29:51.Croydon this week? The memory competition. Oh, yes. I can't
:29:52. > :29:58.remember anything else! Would you like to see the newly crowned World
:29:59. > :30:05.Champion? Yes, please. He was on Newsnight showing his skills. You
:30:06. > :30:20.can play us out by telling us what the credits were tonight. Yes, the
:30:21. > :30:27.presenter is of course Jeremy... Um, Paxman. Go on. The production team
:30:28. > :30:34.conconsists of, it's, um... In order, it's... Jake... I am afraid
:30:35. > :30:42.that's not the first one. The first one's, give you a clue, James Bray.
:30:43. > :30:45.Yeah. Is he the only one that found Croydon? This is the new story
:30:46. > :30:50.showing for the first time that the brains of men and women are wired up
:30:51. > :30:53.differently. Scientists have spent months trying to determine the
:30:54. > :30:58.difference between men and women by looking at their brains. I am no
:30:59. > :31:04.expert but I can usually do that in ten seconds by looking somewhere
:31:05. > :31:11.else. Ten seconds! That's a long time. Is it a consultation period? A
:31:12. > :31:21.postal vote? OK. Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one. Two
:31:22. > :31:24.lookalikes got married. They were professional lookalikes, and he... I
:31:25. > :31:27.think I've got this the right way round... He looks like Debbie Harry.
:31:28. > :31:30.That's right. And she, bless her... Looks like somebody out of
:31:31. > :31:40.Thunderbirds. Here are the happy couple. It's uncanny. Anyone know
:31:41. > :31:47.who else came to the wedding? Robert Mugabe... Joshua Nkomo. That's
:31:48. > :31:52.right, yeah. Joshua Nkomo was there. Bomber Harris. THEY TALK OVER EACH
:31:53. > :31:56.OTHER Gordon Ramsay, Ricky Gervais, the couple and David Beckham. Not
:31:57. > :32:06.doing too bad as looky-likies. Yeah, once you close your eyes it's
:32:07. > :32:13.easier. This is supposed to be MrT. It's ridiculous because Dennis
:32:14. > :32:18.Thatcher was white... One of the things he was quite insistent on.
:32:19. > :32:23.Also, Kate and Prince William turned up. Who didn't look like himself
:32:24. > :32:31.this week? Anyone see this picture? Tom Jones. Is that real? Yeah. Looks
:32:32. > :32:35.pretty good for a tomato of his age. Is he learning Mandarin by becoming
:32:36. > :32:37.an orange? Talking of lookalikes, whose appearance was compared to
:32:38. > :32:45.Marie Antoinette climbing the scaffold this week? It was Nigella.
:32:46. > :32:48.Sarah Vine in the Mail compared her to Marie Antoinette. So, should we
:32:49. > :32:58.have a look? Here's Nigella...here's Marie Antoinette. If she'd had
:32:59. > :33:07.dinner with Charles Saatchi... No, no, no... APPLAUSE. This week in
:33:08. > :33:10.Dudley, a Blondie look-a-likey, married a Simon Cowell look-a-likey.
:33:11. > :33:25.Simon Cowell look-a-likey Andy Monk told reporters... No. Nor can you.
:33:26. > :33:30.One late-comer to the wedding was MrT. At first he wasn't allowed in
:33:31. > :33:36.by staff until he snapped and said, don't you know who I am meant to
:33:37. > :33:40.look like? Time now for the Odd One Out Round. Your four are - Tim
:33:41. > :33:48.Loughton, Icarus, Osama bin Laden, and 30,000 copies of David Walliams'
:33:49. > :33:52.new book. BUZZER. I think this is something to do with heat or fire or
:33:53. > :33:59.being burnt. Fire? Fire. Apart from sitting next to Britain's premier
:34:00. > :34:03.arsonist, have you been burnt? I mean, not financially, you don't
:34:04. > :34:06.need to tell us any woes. But have you been burnt in a pancake, or...?
:34:07. > :34:11.No. No. Did anything happen unpleasant at the end of this? No.
:34:12. > :34:15.Shall we do the, "Cor, what a tosser," line, get that out of the
:34:16. > :34:19.way for the moment? Well, if you want to say that about yourself,
:34:20. > :34:23.Tim, don't let any of us stop you. I think it's water. Is it water? Yes,
:34:24. > :34:26.Tim, you are right. Icarus flew too close to the sun and fell into
:34:27. > :34:35.water. Abu, no, eh... What's his name? Osama... They're all the
:34:36. > :34:41.same(!) Osama... The very bad man, Osama bin Laden was dumped in the
:34:42. > :34:44.sea, after they shot him. David Walliams, now he had to have his
:34:45. > :34:48.book pulped. Some of his books fell in the water, or something. So, I'm
:34:49. > :34:53.the odd one out, cos I'm on dry land. No, you are the odd one out,
:34:54. > :35:00.cos you were STANDING in the sea. It could be a very large ice bucket.
:35:01. > :35:04.This was a story that appeared in the Mirror last year. The only true
:35:05. > :35:10.thing about the story was the title to that photo, which was "Minister
:35:11. > :35:13.caught with his pants up." And the rest of the story - it was the
:35:14. > :35:16.Commonwealth Education Ministers' Conference in Mauritius, and this
:35:17. > :35:20.was one warm glass of chardonnay. If this is an indication of what you
:35:21. > :35:24.would do when you're sober... What on earth do you get up to when
:35:25. > :35:30.you're drunk? Were you sacked for that? I don't think so. I think
:35:31. > :35:40.there were much worse things. It was Mr Gove, wasn't it, who sacked you?
:35:41. > :35:44.Did he sack you single-handedly? After you were sacked, whether it's
:35:45. > :35:49.to do with that or something else, you had a bit of a spat with your
:35:50. > :35:53.ex-boss, Michael Gove, didn't you, Tim? No, he is a lovely man. You
:35:54. > :36:06.said most officials haven't met him. Everybody loves young MrGrace.
:36:07. > :36:12.What's the problem? He is a great man doing fantastic things. Won't
:36:13. > :36:16.hear a word against him. How did the Department for Education source
:36:17. > :36:22.describe you in response? Want to tell us? No, you are going to show
:36:23. > :36:29.us, yeah. An unnamed source described you as: Now that can't be
:36:30. > :36:38.true, otherwise you wouldn't have come on. This show, yeah.
:36:39. > :36:42.APPLAUSE So, it's time now for the Missing
:36:43. > :36:45.Words Round, which, this week, features as its guest publication
:36:46. > :36:52.Rattitude. The magazine of the North of England Rat Society. For
:36:53. > :37:11.northerners who don't find pigeons dirty enough. And we start with:
:37:12. > :37:19.Great bloke and I want to live. Is it gay? The answer is blatantly gay,
:37:20. > :37:26.says author. A new byography speculates. It's not the first to
:37:27. > :37:35.make this claim. The idea that... Has been put forward by a number of
:37:36. > :37:46.recently deceased psychologists. APPLAUSE
:37:47. > :38:01.Next, chimps take what? MILES: Is it, "The fucking piss"? The answer
:38:02. > :38:05.is: No, they don't! This is the story of a court case in New York in
:38:06. > :38:07.which four chimpanzees are seeking to be recognised as humans. The
:38:08. > :38:10.complexities of the chimpanzees' case have left legal experts
:38:11. > :38:13.scratching their heads, rubbing their arses on ropes and eating
:38:14. > :38:19.things from behind each others' ears. Next.
:38:20. > :38:29.The bubonic plague. And it's the name "red eyed devil". Next...
:38:30. > :38:34.MILES: British Prime Minister talking patronisingly. She had a
:38:35. > :38:37.flower in her head. It was a fully-grown dandelion. A doctor
:38:38. > :38:49.tried to remove it by blowing, but all that happened was he found out
:38:50. > :38:53.it was three o' clock. Next: Sexual tension. MILES: The body count. It
:38:54. > :39:01.was an absolute bloodbath. The safety officer. "Looks all right to
:39:02. > :39:10.me. "Just dump the rats on it "This is good stuff."
:39:11. > :39:34.Clowns are actually fairly easy to capture, because they tend to have
:39:35. > :39:43.extremely unreliable getaway cars. Finally.
:39:44. > :40:05.Drunken fighting amongst priests. "You bastard! "You call that a
:40:06. > :40:11.wedding?" It's shouting at a rat. What?! The last time I had a rat
:40:12. > :40:15.backfire was when I stuck a firework up it. I'm just joking, obviously.
:40:16. > :40:20.It was a kitten. The final scores are - Miles and Paul have eight.
:40:21. > :40:24.What? Tim and Ian have six. You're the winners. But before we go,
:40:25. > :40:30.there's just time for the caption competition. TIM: "I must not meet
:40:31. > :40:46.the Dalai Lama again." "I must not meet the Dalai Lama again." On which
:40:47. > :40:48.note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Tim
:40:49. > :40:52.Loughton, Paul Merton and Miles Jupp. And I leave you with news that
:40:53. > :40:57.after announcing several more years of austerity, George Osborne goes
:40:58. > :41:00.home to decorate his Christmas tree. In the Italian Parliament, the vote
:41:01. > :41:05.about whether Silvio Berlusconi should take a paternity test is
:41:06. > :41:08.passed with a majority of one. And, as Operation Yewtree combs the BBC
:41:09. > :41:18.for clues, police find a very disturbing image on David
:41:19. > :41:55.Attenborough's computer. Thank you very much. Good night.
:41:56. > :42:00.Can I just say you pronounce my name LAWTON? I beg your pardon, Tim,
:42:01. > :42:02.sorry about that. Should have brought it up earlier though, you
:42:03. > :42:07.twat.