0:00:38 > 0:00:40Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42I'm the woman.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47In the news this week, with the channel set to close down,
0:00:47 > 0:00:49BBC Three's top creative team finds a new outlet
0:00:49 > 0:00:51for all their latest ideas.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00A Newsnight special exposes the appalling sweatshop conditions
0:01:00 > 0:01:03for workers in a Taiwanese Walnut Whip factory.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17And as the government launches new regional TV stations,
0:01:17 > 0:01:21Good Morning Medway sends its top reporter to investigate
0:01:21 > 0:01:23the need for a safer footpath.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37On Ian's team tonight is the Shadow Justice Secretary
0:01:37 > 0:01:41and former human rights lawyer who spent years tirelessly working
0:01:41 > 0:01:42on behalf of the weak and powerless,
0:01:42 > 0:01:45which came in handy when he was campaign manager for Ed Miliband.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Please welcome Sadiq Khan MP.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50APPLAUSE
0:01:53 > 0:01:56And with Paul tonight is a TV presenter who,
0:01:56 > 0:01:58when he was younger, wanted to be a policeman.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01He'd spend hours dressed in a uniform, walking around the house
0:02:01 > 0:02:04shredding documents and lying to everyone.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- Please welcome Richard Osman.- Hiya.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08APPLAUSE
0:02:10 > 0:02:13And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Ian and Sadiq, take a look at this.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17It's a postman.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20There's Vince Cable, who sold out.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22And that's the price going up and up.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24That's some people taking the piss.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29This is the story, Jennifer, of...
0:02:29 > 0:02:32- That's very good, you've remembered her name.- Yes, Jennifer.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35- That's me.- Actually, when's David turning up?
0:02:35 > 0:02:37I was told this was Question Time.
0:02:37 > 0:02:42In my briefing, it said there would be a BBC legend in the chair.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44RICHARD: Hello?!
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Get back to the story, please.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51The government was warned that you shouldn't sell off Royal Mail,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54and if you do, sell it off at a fair price.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57And rather than selling off the shares at £5.60 or £5.70,
0:02:57 > 0:02:59as they should have done,
0:02:59 > 0:03:01they sold them off at a knock-down, bargain-basement price.
0:03:01 > 0:03:06As a consequence, you, us, the taxpayers, have lost £2.4 billion.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09They appointed one merchant bank to do the sell-off
0:03:09 > 0:03:13and that merchant bank chose another seven merchant banks, who all said,
0:03:13 > 0:03:15"Yes, we'll do this one."
0:03:15 > 0:03:19And, in the end, all the banks, between them, came to the conclusion
0:03:19 > 0:03:22that it should be sold off for £3.30.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24It was immediately worth five quid.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Guess who bought a lot of the shares. Was it the banks?!
0:03:27 > 0:03:29The same banks.
0:03:29 > 0:03:3370% were given to these banks rather than to us to buy or the employees.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36And they've made a whopping fortune at our expense.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- And it is disgraceful! - It's disgraceful.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42And Vince Cable and David Cameron and George Osborne should be ashamed.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44OK, well done. Well summed up.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47APPLAUSE
0:03:47 > 0:03:50I was hoping you were going to say "hung" at the end, there.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53- No...- Ashamed? They're not going to be ashamed.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55RICHARD: Why is the Royal Mail worth so much money, though?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57I don't really understand it.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Perhaps it's because e-mail didn't really catch on.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04That would have done for them, wouldn't it?
0:04:04 > 0:04:07It's worth a lot of money because they've sold off all the Royal Mail
0:04:07 > 0:04:09except the pension of all the workers.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12- And guess who gets to pay the pension?- Is it...?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15That guy there?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18As you've already pointed out,
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Vince arranged for 16 priority investors,
0:04:21 > 0:04:24who were offered extra shares as an incentive
0:04:24 > 0:04:26to stay on as long-term investors.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29And what measures did he put in place to stop them
0:04:29 > 0:04:32selling the shares straightaway and making a massive profit?
0:04:32 > 0:04:33Absolutely nothing.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35A gentleman's agreement...
0:04:35 > 0:04:37not to sell the shares.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39But Vince Cable insists he wasn't conned
0:04:39 > 0:04:42and it was a very good deal for the taxpayer and, what's more,
0:04:42 > 0:04:46he's just inherited a million pounds from a relative in Nigeria!
0:04:48 > 0:04:50What are the chances of that?!
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Who specifically benefited from the sell-off?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55- Edith Clarke.- That's a good one.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57No, it's not Edith.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58- Not Edith?!- Elaine Jenkins.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- Not Elaine.- If Edith's not involved, Elaine won't go near it.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06One of the world's biggest hedge funds made 36 million
0:05:06 > 0:05:09on the share deal - Lansdowne Partners,
0:05:09 > 0:05:13where a Mr Peter Davies is on the management committee,
0:05:13 > 0:05:16who was also George Osborne's best man!
0:05:16 > 0:05:18No(!)
0:05:18 > 0:05:21It's a small world, isn't it(?)
0:05:21 > 0:05:24There was some interesting comments about the Royal Mail sell-off
0:05:24 > 0:05:27on the political blog's message boards.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Here's what Mark...thingy had to say:
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Now, Sadiq, you voted in parliament
0:05:48 > 0:05:50to close a lot of post offices, didn't you?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Yeah.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58What was happening, Jennifer, was people discovered this thing
0:05:58 > 0:06:02that Richard was talking about called the World Wide Web and e-mail,
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- and they were using stamps less, so we tried...- Yeah...
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Those post offices that were not used as much...
0:06:08 > 0:06:10- Keep going.- ..closed down,
0:06:10 > 0:06:13but keep open those ones that were being used
0:06:13 > 0:06:16- and give them more business... - (For hardworking people.)
0:06:16 > 0:06:18- RICHARD: You're not having that, are you?- Nah!
0:06:18 > 0:06:20I only said it to wind him up.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- I'm not actually interested in the answer.- Good, Jennifer.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26APPLAUSE
0:06:26 > 0:06:29- Now, can you name another Conservative politician...- Yeah.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31who's been revealed... No, don't say....
0:06:31 > 0:06:32Sorry, sorry!
0:06:32 > 0:06:36He's got a quiz background, he's first on the buzzer.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39- Stop.- And if I'm honest, I can't, so...- OK.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Can anyone name another Conservative politician
0:06:43 > 0:06:46who's been revealed to have made a few quid recently?
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- BELL RINGS - Tony Blair.
0:06:49 > 0:06:50You don't have to buzz!
0:06:50 > 0:06:52- Maria Miller!- Yes!
0:06:52 > 0:06:54You've got it! Tell me about her.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56She was somebody who claimed for a second home
0:06:56 > 0:06:58- when she probably shouldn't have.- Yes.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01What do you mean "probably"? She's on the other side!
0:07:01 > 0:07:04She was in a little bit of trouble, Maria Miller, for claiming
0:07:04 > 0:07:08£90,000 expenses on a second home which she then sold
0:07:08 > 0:07:12for a million pounds profit. What's so bad about that? Don't understand.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15She was claiming mortgage interest payments,
0:07:15 > 0:07:19but when the interest rate dropped, she kept claiming at the same rate.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21He parents were living in it...
0:07:21 > 0:07:23and she still claimed it was a second home,
0:07:23 > 0:07:25even though her parents were in it.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26But I now have to say,
0:07:26 > 0:07:29The Commons Standards Committee
0:07:29 > 0:07:32have ordered her to repay £5,800
0:07:32 > 0:07:34and apologise to MPs.
0:07:34 > 0:07:39They also said her attitude breached MPs' code of conduct.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41PAUL LAUGHS
0:07:41 > 0:07:42That must be going some.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Her attitude.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Well, her attitude was not to answer the question.
0:07:48 > 0:07:49And when it was said, you know,
0:07:49 > 0:07:53"Can you turn up the financial details?", she prevaricated,
0:07:53 > 0:07:56avoided the question and refused to answer directly.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57This is the Culture Secretary,
0:07:57 > 0:08:00- who's going to tell the press how to behave.- Yes.- Oh, yes!
0:08:02 > 0:08:04They don't like her attitude!
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Previously, when asked why she stopped claiming on her second home,
0:08:07 > 0:08:08Maria Miller said:
0:08:22 > 0:08:27Yeah, thanks. Thank for clearing that up, Maria.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30So, yes, this is Vince Cable who, when selling the Royal Mail,
0:08:30 > 0:08:33undervalued it by around two billion pounds!
0:08:33 > 0:08:36In the run up to the sell-off, the government released its
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Royal Mail Myth-busters factsheet,
0:08:38 > 0:08:40which helpfully reassured people...
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Although, according to... Oh, good Lord.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50SHE TALKS GIBBERISH
0:08:50 > 0:08:51LAUGHTER
0:08:51 > 0:08:55- Can I have a plate of that? - Yeah, go on.
0:08:55 > 0:08:56According to the recently released
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Royal Mail Myth-busters Factsheet Myth-busters factsheet,
0:08:59 > 0:09:01that's bollocks.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Paul and Richard, take a look at this.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Vegetables. We need to eat more greens.
0:09:09 > 0:09:14Oh, look at him. I'm not sure who's eating who there.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Vegetables are very good for you.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18You must have seven vegetables a day, rather than five.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21It's a struggle for most people. How do you feel about vegetables?
0:09:21 > 0:09:24They change the guidelines, didn't they? They used to recommended
0:09:24 > 0:09:25that you should feel guilty
0:09:25 > 0:09:28about not eating five portions of fruit and veg a day.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31But now you have to feel guilty about not eating seven portions a day.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34And I think the extra guilt releases some sort of hormone -
0:09:34 > 0:09:37I haven't looked into this properly - and it makes you live
0:09:37 > 0:09:41- a little bit longer...- Yeah.- ..I think is the idea. I don't understand
0:09:41 > 0:09:45who was eating five portions a day, how's anyone got time to eat seven?
0:09:45 > 0:09:50- I know.- Broccoli! How long does broccoli take to eat?!- Exactly.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52It's better if you cook it.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54But you might live five years longer.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57All of that time will be spent eating broccoli.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- You won't be seeing your grandkids or climbing mountains.- No.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02You'll be relentlessly chewing
0:10:02 > 0:10:04something that looks like a tiny tree.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08Yes, indeed. This is the news that instead of eating five portions
0:10:08 > 0:10:12of fruit and vegetables a day, it should be seven.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15But maybe you have all been eating the correct amount.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- No.- No?
0:10:17 > 0:10:19I was told a packet of Opal Fruits...
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- ..covers the lot.- Richard, you like to eat chocolate, I believe.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Yeah, I like chocolate. Yeah, sure, I like chocolate.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Does that count as a vegetable?
0:10:29 > 0:10:30It's got cocoa in it.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Chocolate's very good for increasing your oestrogen levels.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Yes, that's why I eat so much.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40So, you could count as token oestrogen level on this show.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I am naturally low in it.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49- Only yourself to blame.- I was tested.- Were you?- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52- By experts?- No.- Not experts, no.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56- That's too expensive.- Now I look back on it, no, they weren't experts.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59And, Sadiq, you promoted the Great British Kebab Awards
0:10:59 > 0:11:04- at the House of Commons.- That man in that photo you just showed,
0:11:04 > 0:11:06that was me. Erm...
0:11:06 > 0:11:09As you can tell from my fantastic physique,
0:11:09 > 0:11:12- I've been training for the marathon this year.- Oh.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14RICHARD: It's Snickers now. Come on.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- OK.- I'm now doing five a day.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19- Are you?- Yeah, miles.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21- Hmm.- And fruit as well.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24I was really offended by the joke about
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Eric Pickles that you retweeted.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Which joke was that?
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Can I just say, no person should ever have to apologise to Eric Pickles
0:11:35 > 0:11:38more than once in their lifetime, so I'm not talking about it.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Right. OK, I will then. Erm...
0:11:40 > 0:11:41LAUGHTER
0:11:41 > 0:11:45Because he's running the marathon, his good friend Neil Kinnock
0:11:45 > 0:11:47sent you a personal tweet, didn't he?
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Saying, "I hope you take Eric Pickles along
0:11:50 > 0:11:54- "and then we'll have a by-election." - AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:11:54 > 0:11:56I know. It's sick, isn't it?
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Eric, if you're watching, I apologise again.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- Oh, well done, sir. - And put the remote control down.
0:12:02 > 0:12:07Just walk to the telly and come back. Put it down. Start now!
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Big fatty.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11So, during the study at University College London,
0:12:11 > 0:12:15what happened to people who ate at least seven portions
0:12:15 > 0:12:19- of fruit and vegetables a day for 12 years?- They didn't die.- Yes.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22The people who were made to eat seven portions
0:12:22 > 0:12:26of fruit and vegetables were 42% less likely to die,
0:12:26 > 0:12:28no matter how much they wanted to.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33What's the Australian government's advice regarding fruit and veg?
0:12:33 > 0:12:36- AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: - Oh, eat what you like.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41We're great at cricket. Don't matter.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44They recommend eating two portions of fruit and FIVE of vegetables.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48Netherlands say two portions twice a day,
0:12:48 > 0:12:50which actually, Netherlands, is FOUR.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57- That's like...- This has turned into the Eurovision Song Contest.
0:12:57 > 0:13:02The NHS guidelines recommend 80-gram portions,
0:13:02 > 0:13:04but how much is that, 80 grams?
0:13:04 > 0:13:08So, we're going to play a quick game of Name That Portion.
0:13:08 > 0:13:09Fingers on buzzers.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- Innovation.- We're genuinely doing a quiz about fruit?- Yeah, we are.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14- Come on, name that portion.- OK.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16What's one portion of grapes?
0:13:16 > 0:13:20- Half a bottle of wine.- How many? - 15.- Close, it's actually...
0:13:20 > 0:13:21BUZZER
0:13:21 > 0:13:24- 16.- The answer is 16.
0:13:24 > 0:13:2616.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27What's one portion of broccoli?
0:13:27 > 0:13:31- BUZZER - A lot.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32Of a cauliflower?
0:13:32 > 0:13:34BELL RINGS
0:13:34 > 0:13:37- Yes?- About a third of a cauliflower.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43And, finally, what's the correct portion...?
0:13:43 > 0:13:46LAUGHTER
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Quiz shows are harder than they look.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53This one certainly is!
0:13:54 > 0:13:58And, finally, what's the correct portion of potato?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00BELL RINGS
0:14:00 > 0:14:02- Nothing. Ever.- Why?
0:14:02 > 0:14:05- Because it's a fruit.- No!
0:14:07 > 0:14:09- I don't know!- No...
0:14:11 > 0:14:14So, there you go, that was a pointless quiz, wasn't it, Richard?
0:14:14 > 0:14:18Some experts have suggested that we eat ten portions a day.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21How have readers of the Daily Telegraph
0:14:21 > 0:14:24- been reacting to that news?- Calmly.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27They don't seen too enthusiastic.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Keith Moore of Suffolk writes...
0:14:36 > 0:14:38That's the spirit, Keith.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42That's brilliant. A bit of realism.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47What is, in fact, the best diet for human beings?
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Is it not the caveman diet?
0:14:49 > 0:14:52- You got it.- Caveman diet? - Yeah, you can only eat cavemen.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56That's very good, that's very true.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59According to Professor Simon Capewell
0:14:59 > 0:15:00of Liverpool University:
0:15:04 > 0:15:06No, start that again.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09According to Simon Capewell - no, professor. Shut up!
0:15:09 > 0:15:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:10 > 0:15:13According to Professor Simon Capewell:
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Although I do find Ocado hate that order.
0:15:23 > 0:15:28Meanwhile, what does George Osborne do for just two days a week?
0:15:28 > 0:15:31- Chancellor.- Take elocution lessons.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33He's on this diet that everyone's on.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37You eat for five days, and then for two days
0:15:37 > 0:15:41you legislate to stop other people eating.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45You fast for two days and it does, in fact, seem to be working.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46There he is.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Meanwhile, Eric Pickles went on a no chips, no cheese diet
0:15:49 > 0:15:53a couple of years ago. Here he is before.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55And here's what he looked like after.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57LAUGHTER
0:15:57 > 0:16:00He's got the menu with him.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04APPLAUSE
0:16:04 > 0:16:06As part of its attack on obesity,
0:16:06 > 0:16:09the Department of Health this week advised that:
0:16:13 > 0:16:15- AUDIENCE: Boo!- Boo!
0:16:15 > 0:16:18In Tooting, all our curry houses still give out poppadoms.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20CHEERING
0:16:20 > 0:16:23- Are they?- That is your constituency.- It is.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27- Detail, detail.- Yeah. No, there's a few votes there.
0:16:27 > 0:16:33There's also fears of a ban on drinking cider with your curry,
0:16:33 > 0:16:35which is currently being discussed by the COBRA committee.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Lager. They wouldn't ban drinking cider cos that is one of the five...
0:16:38 > 0:16:41- Did I say cider?- You said cider.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Which shows what you do in your spare time.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47That's weird. That's weird that I said cider.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50What do you like, the big pack of Strongbow?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Oh, Saturday night for a curry and cider.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59Meanwhile, a study in the European Journal of Clinical Nutrition
0:16:59 > 0:17:01suggests that the best way to lose weight
0:17:01 > 0:17:04is to eat like our ancient cavemen ancestors,
0:17:04 > 0:17:08a story which the Telegraph chose to illustrate with this.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15Yes, it's a picture of Raquel Welch in One Million Years BC,
0:17:15 > 0:17:19giving Telegraph readers two of their five melons a day.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21CHEERING
0:17:21 > 0:17:24So, Ian and Sadiq, here's another for you.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26- Future Prime Minister.- Where?
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Oh, her? Yeah.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Well, this is Ed Miliband advertising for a media person,
0:17:36 > 0:17:38which is what politicians sometimes do.
0:17:38 > 0:17:43But his critics - I'm just being devil's advocate here -
0:17:43 > 0:17:47are saying he's a bit desperate, advertising for someone to help
0:17:47 > 0:17:49with his broadcasting image now.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53I think he doesn't need somebody to help him. Clearly, it's important...
0:17:53 > 0:17:57The Government's not creating jobs, we should create one ourselves.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59So that's one.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02What's important, Ian,
0:18:02 > 0:18:05is we advertise for these sorts of jobs properly,
0:18:05 > 0:18:08rather than text LOLs here and there.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Yes. No, I accept your point that the Tories are the Tories,
0:18:11 > 0:18:13and therefore evil.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17But there was this poll saying that he was a bit weird. Erm...
0:18:17 > 0:18:20and that the public weren't going to vote for him.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Is that a problem for the Labour Party?
0:18:22 > 0:18:26Moving towards coming third to UKIP?
0:18:26 > 0:18:29- What's important is that we move forward...- Good.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32..and we make sure that we have the right tools
0:18:32 > 0:18:34- at our disposal to make sure... - Tools.- Yeah.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39- APPLAUSE - I just said...
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- He had a good joke...- Did he?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- ..about the Royal Mail sell-off. - Oh, yeah?
0:18:46 > 0:18:48He said that Cameron wasn't the wolf of Wall Street -
0:18:48 > 0:18:51he was the dunce of Downing Street.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Shoo!
0:18:53 > 0:18:54I don't know who wrote that.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57- He writes all his own stuff.- Yeah.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00I think we sort of knew that. Erm...
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Whoever gets the job with Ed will also be...
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Basically, it's to stop pictures appearing of him looking stupid...
0:19:12 > 0:19:14- like these. - LAUGHTER
0:19:23 > 0:19:25That's to get the Mexican vote.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28He should get whoever does Putin.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32- Oh.- What, strip to the waist? - Yeah.- Wrestling bears.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35If every time in Parliamentary Question Time a bear comes in,
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Miliband wrestles it. Everybody would be watching,
0:19:37 > 0:19:39waiting for the bear.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Or do everything on a space hopper. Everything.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Anyone remember Gordon Brown hiring someone to do this at the end
0:19:45 > 0:19:47of his time as Prime Minister?
0:19:47 > 0:19:51Yes, there was all the sort of grinning. The...sort of stuff.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54It looked like he'd been given a small electric shock.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- Anyone remember the name of whoever it was?- No.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00- Nicola Burdett, she was called.- No.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04She had a specific brief to try and stop embarrassing photos
0:20:04 > 0:20:06being taken of Gordon.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19- He was at a school and I think it was a project.- Yes.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22I don't think it was a local headquarters or...
0:20:24 > 0:20:27It wasn't at home with Nigel Farage.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31What else was specified on the job advert?
0:20:31 > 0:20:35- Are we still on this?- Yes, we are. - Move to the next question, come on.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- No, I can't.- Where's balance gone?
0:20:38 > 0:20:41- Honestly.- What else was specified on the job advert?
0:20:41 > 0:20:44- I'm looking to you now. - "Must have own space hopper."
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Sadiq's coming up rough now. He's baulking at this.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- We're less combative over here. - Absolutely.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53- They're combative with each other, even.- Yeah, I think so.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Little bit of trouble in paradise over there.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00- It's a shame to see it but what can you do?- I know, it is a shame.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01- Shall I tell you?- Yes, tell us.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- We sort of wandered into a world of our own there.- I know.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09The successful candidate will need to know how to:
0:21:11 > 0:21:13And have:
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Surely that's Ed Miliband's job.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22- Now, Ed - I'm sorry we're continuing with this, Sadiq.- So am I.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25You can't stop me, I'm on a roll. Ed did an odd thing on television
0:21:25 > 0:21:29the other day. He appeared to sniff the woman sitting next to him...
0:21:31 > 0:21:34..on ITV's show The Agenda.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Cos I would love to see you back in power,
0:21:36 > 0:21:40but what I would love you to do is to take risks...
0:21:40 > 0:21:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:46 > 0:21:48What's prompted all this panic?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50- A poll.- There's no panic.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52- Ah!- Polls have narrowed, they've narrowed.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Well, Labour's poll lead has slipped a bit.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58I don't understand, cos you're saying it's slipped a bit
0:21:58 > 0:22:02but Sadiq was saying it hasn't and I don't know who to believe.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Can anyone tell me what this chart shows?
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Amount of friends on trial at the moment.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11LAUGHTER
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Is it body temperature?
0:22:13 > 0:22:16LAUGHTER
0:22:16 > 0:22:18APPLAUSE
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Is it body temperature?
0:22:20 > 0:22:24It's a percentage of people who think leaders are weird
0:22:24 > 0:22:26or very weird.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Now, if Ed's looking for pointers,
0:22:30 > 0:22:32here's some strong, confident broadcasting
0:22:32 > 0:22:34from a Republican candidate in the US.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38I'm Joni Ernst. I grew up castrating hogs on an Iowa farm.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42So when I get to Washington, I'll know how to cut pork.
0:22:42 > 0:22:43HOG SQUEALS
0:22:43 > 0:22:47LAUGHTER
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Was she allowed to castrate hogs
0:22:49 > 0:22:52or was it something she just did out of sheer malice?
0:22:52 > 0:22:56She just went to the nearest hog farm, "I'll have them. Hey-hey!"
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- I have one question about her. - Only one?- Mm.- "Is she married?"
0:23:02 > 0:23:06I was actually going to say is she single? But it's the same principle.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10She castrates hogs, Richard. Do you know what that means?
0:23:10 > 0:23:11She's got a hobby.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15She's on a slightly different version of Grindr.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Paul and Richard, here's another for you.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Ah, this, of course, is the flag of the European Union, we know that.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29Ah, yes, Nigel Farage and he's on his way to a public ceremony -
0:23:29 > 0:23:32gays are allowed to get married since Sunday.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34It's fantastic, really good news, brilliant,
0:23:34 > 0:23:37and this couple here amongst the first to actually say the rites
0:23:37 > 0:23:39and now they're husband and husband.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42- Fantastic news.- Aww, it's lovely. - It's a lovely story.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44A lot of people think it won't last but I'm all for it.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47They've had a couple of arguments, a couple of them in public,
0:23:47 > 0:23:50but they'll get together as a couple and they'll be absolutely fine.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53I think it's the story about Nick Clegg and Nigel Farage
0:23:53 > 0:23:55having a TV debate.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57And who do you think won?
0:23:57 > 0:24:00I don't either of them are truly winners, are they?
0:24:00 > 0:24:02I think you've got Best Loser.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04According to Donal MacIntyre in the Independent:
0:24:04 > 0:24:08"Journalists have been briefed that Nick Clegg was going to do something
0:24:08 > 0:24:11"unusual during the debate." What was it?
0:24:11 > 0:24:13He was going to show some passion.
0:24:16 > 0:24:17On a space hopper.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21- And did he get emotional? - He got a bit emotional.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25Think he used his hands a lot, sort of, you know, just to show emotion.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28And he took his shirt off as well, I think, didn't he?
0:24:28 > 0:24:32As far as I understand it, yeah, yeah. They wrestled. Like men.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36I quite enjoyed the debate and I think cos of the way I watched it
0:24:36 > 0:24:39because I didn't watch the pictures, I just had the audio,
0:24:39 > 0:24:42then I turned the volume right down and I genuinely enjoyed it.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47It's slightly odd. You're the Deputy Prime Minister and you're taking on,
0:24:47 > 0:24:51on live television, a man who hasn't got one MP.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54- And he wins.- Mm.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56You know, this is supposed to be equal status.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Apparently, Clegg told Farage:
0:25:01 > 0:25:02To which Farage replied:
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Now, Nick had some zingers of his own. Did anyone catch any?
0:25:08 > 0:25:11There's one saying, "Next, Mr Farage, you'll be telling us
0:25:11 > 0:25:15- "that there's a man on the moon and Elvis is still alive."- Yeah.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Nick Clegg did a whole thing about Nigel Farage's mum.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Did about five minutes about it.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23That's right, yeah.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25This is the fascinating battle between a political outsider
0:25:25 > 0:25:27with crackpot ideas about Europe
0:25:27 > 0:25:30and Nigel Farage.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33After the debate, Farage was told that the polls gave him
0:25:33 > 0:25:35a high approval rating...
0:25:35 > 0:25:37to which he replied, "That's very kind of them.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39"There's still far too many of them over here."
0:25:42 > 0:25:45And so to Round Two, the Picture Spin quiz.
0:25:45 > 0:25:46Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51BUZZER
0:25:51 > 0:25:53- Yes?- The new set of stamps.
0:25:56 > 0:25:57BUZZER
0:25:57 > 0:26:00- Yes?- Is it Nigel Farage's nightmare?
0:26:03 > 0:26:05This is the news that new computer software
0:26:05 > 0:26:09recognised 21 distinct facial expressions
0:26:09 > 0:26:12when before it was thought we only had six.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Ohio State University have discovered that
0:26:15 > 0:26:17as well as common facial expressions
0:26:17 > 0:26:20such as happy, sad, etc...
0:26:23 > 0:26:25I love etc, I can always do etc.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Um, there...
0:26:28 > 0:26:31There are compound emotions such as fearfully angry
0:26:31 > 0:26:33which looks like this:
0:26:33 > 0:26:37Has she just come back from the hairdresser's?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39All right, what do you think this one is?
0:26:39 > 0:26:42RICHARD: Is it, "Oh, my God, where are my teeth?"
0:26:44 > 0:26:46No, this woman is sadly surprised.
0:26:46 > 0:26:51Right, now, Ian, I'd like you to demonstrate some of them for me.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Here are three expressions...
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- This one's embarrassedly apprehensive.- No, wait.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02These are three expressions you often use,
0:27:02 > 0:27:03so please show me disgusted.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09LAUGHTER
0:27:09 > 0:27:10Angrily disgusted.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12This is the Telegraph.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16And then disgustedly surprised.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22LAUGHTER
0:27:22 > 0:27:26APPLAUSE
0:27:26 > 0:27:28- And, Paul...- Oh, yes, go on, then.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Yeah, I'd like you to go from happy...
0:27:31 > 0:27:33..to happily surprised.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Wait, there's a third!
0:27:38 > 0:27:40To fearfully disgusted.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47LAUGHTER
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Now, according to the Mail...
0:27:49 > 0:27:52- Who won on points? - I don't know.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55You did a whole black and white film at the end.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Silent.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00According to the Mail, we reserve sadly angry
0:28:00 > 0:28:03for when someone we care about upsets us.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Sadiq, would you show us your face
0:28:05 > 0:28:08whenever Ed Miliband opens his mouth?
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13- It's really unfair. - It's gone too far now.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16I'm sorry. Gone too far.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20He's been doing "broadly supportive" for about an hour.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:26 > 0:28:30Sadiq, show us your expression when your right nipple chafes.
0:28:32 > 0:28:36For those of you who are athletes - it doesn't apply to you, Ian...
0:28:38 > 0:28:41I expect you'll want me to die!
0:28:43 > 0:28:45- I think that Paul is an athlete. - Yeah, I am.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54He's certainly got an athlete's foot.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57I'm really offended now.
0:28:57 > 0:29:01- Oh, come on.- No, he's doing offended face!- Pinch his cheeks.
0:29:02 > 0:29:07- When you run...- Continue. - ..your shirt rubs against...
0:29:07 > 0:29:11- Just your right nipple?- I think my right one's bigger than my left one.
0:29:11 > 0:29:15Richard, it may be a question on Pointless. When they ask,
0:29:15 > 0:29:17"What is the best thing since sliced bread?"
0:29:17 > 0:29:21Before sliced bread, the best thing was Vaseline.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23Think sliced bread was invented before Vaseline.
0:29:24 > 0:29:28I think the inventions went the bread, knife...
0:29:28 > 0:29:32sliced loaf, Vaseline. That's the order of those four inventions.
0:29:32 > 0:29:36People are going, "Oh, this doesn't taste good at all."
0:29:38 > 0:29:40Richard, I'm sorry we've left you out of this,
0:29:40 > 0:29:43can you get your face to express anything? Anything.
0:29:43 > 0:29:44Just do it quickly now.
0:29:46 > 0:29:48Perfect. Marvellous.
0:29:48 > 0:29:52Actually, you raised your eyebrows, because the Ohio study showed
0:29:52 > 0:29:54people tend to raise their eyebrows
0:29:54 > 0:29:56when they're surprised or awe-struck.
0:29:57 > 0:29:59I didn't know that.
0:29:59 > 0:30:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:03 > 0:30:06However, as Lord Liddle on...
0:30:06 > 0:30:09LAUGHTER
0:30:09 > 0:30:11He's Lord Liddle of Lidl.
0:30:13 > 0:30:15He's like a cut-price Lord Sainsbury.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21Lord Liddle on Sky News demonstrates
0:30:21 > 0:30:23some people's eyebrows
0:30:23 > 0:30:25move entirely of their own accord.
0:30:25 > 0:30:28I think if it's about performance, perhaps Nigel Farage.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31I think on the argument, on the arguments,
0:30:31 > 0:30:33I thought Nick Clegg won.
0:30:33 > 0:30:36The European empire being responsible for the problems
0:30:36 > 0:30:40in the Ukraine - that's nonsense!
0:30:40 > 0:30:41Fingers on the buzzers, teams.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46BELL RINGS
0:30:46 > 0:30:48- Ian?- Is that the killer smog?
0:30:48 > 0:30:50Yeah, got to be.
0:30:50 > 0:30:53This is the sand from the Sahara which is blighting Southern England.
0:30:53 > 0:30:54If Nigel Farage was in charge,
0:30:54 > 0:30:57bet he wouldn't let the bloody foreign smog...
0:30:57 > 0:30:59LAUGHTER
0:30:59 > 0:31:00Sorry.
0:31:02 > 0:31:05- Have you lost the key to your dressing room?- I'm afraid so.
0:31:05 > 0:31:09No, I just wanted to see Jennifer do "pretty stroppy."
0:31:14 > 0:31:17OK, how did the papers describe this phenomenon?
0:31:17 > 0:31:21- "Deadly dust!"- In fact, the Daily Mirror says it's:
0:31:24 > 0:31:25..which sounds pretty bad.
0:31:25 > 0:31:28While The Sun asks the question:
0:31:28 > 0:31:30And gives the answer:
0:31:32 > 0:31:35What has caused these dust clouds, please?
0:31:35 > 0:31:37Pollution from Europe and sand from the Sahara.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40The weather conditions have been such
0:31:40 > 0:31:41that the wind hasn't moved much,
0:31:41 > 0:31:43it's been very still and so this is pollution.
0:31:43 > 0:31:45Apparently, it's not our pollution at all.
0:31:45 > 0:31:49I think you're being a touch Farage-y because I did read that...
0:31:49 > 0:31:52- "A touch Farage-y." - That's what that look is.
0:31:59 > 0:32:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:32:04 > 0:32:07There's a certain amount of our pollution here and...
0:32:07 > 0:32:10I mentioned that, you great twit!
0:32:10 > 0:32:12No, you just said it was London, it's all of it.
0:32:12 > 0:32:14- Oh, it's all of it, yeah.- Yeah.
0:32:14 > 0:32:19Because we failed to hit the targets for the dreaded EU Clean Air Act.
0:32:19 > 0:32:22Cameron said it's unacceptable... as of this morning.
0:32:22 > 0:32:25This is the smog caused by sand from the Sahara.
0:32:25 > 0:32:29One environmental expert went as far as to say:
0:32:32 > 0:32:35Nice try, Charles.
0:32:37 > 0:32:39According to The Sun,
0:32:39 > 0:32:42one resident described street scenes in Southend as:
0:32:45 > 0:32:47And then the smog descended.
0:32:48 > 0:32:51Time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:32:51 > 0:32:54One between you this week. Fingers on buzzers. Your four are...
0:32:54 > 0:32:56Liza Minnelli,
0:32:56 > 0:32:57the birth rate in Denmark,
0:32:57 > 0:32:59a cash machine in Nottingham
0:32:59 > 0:33:01and the Turkish Prime Minster's voice.
0:33:01 > 0:33:07SADIQ: I think the Turkish Prime Minister, Erdogan, lost his voice.
0:33:07 > 0:33:10- RICHARD: I'm not surprised the way he flosses, look.- Yeah, dreadful.
0:33:10 > 0:33:14LAUGHTER
0:33:14 > 0:33:18- SADIQ: In Denmark the birth rate's gone down. It's low.- Yeah.
0:33:18 > 0:33:20Erm, Liza Minnelli.
0:33:20 > 0:33:21Has she lost her voice?
0:33:21 > 0:33:24- No.- She was in that selfie photograph, wasn't she?
0:33:24 > 0:33:26- The Hollywood... - The Oscars selfie one.
0:33:26 > 0:33:28- The most-tweeted picture ever.- Yeah.
0:33:28 > 0:33:31- And she's at the back.- She's at the back. She can't be seen,
0:33:31 > 0:33:34but she's there. So she's too low.
0:33:34 > 0:33:36- So, the birth rate is low.- Mm-hm.
0:33:36 > 0:33:38Now, his voice, I don't know the Turkish Prime Minister,
0:33:38 > 0:33:41but maybe his voice is high. Maybe he's had his voice lowered.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44The cashpoint machine in Nottingham was on the wall too high,
0:33:44 > 0:33:47so the wall should have been lower and she should have been higher.
0:33:47 > 0:33:51- You're so close.- SADIQ: We think the cash machine was too low,
0:33:51 > 0:33:53- just like Liza Minnelli. - You are so close!
0:33:53 > 0:33:57- The odd one out is the Turkish Prime Minister.- It is, but why?
0:33:57 > 0:34:00- He's high.- Ian's got it. They are all too low,
0:34:00 > 0:34:03apart from the voice of the Turkish Prime Minister,
0:34:03 > 0:34:05which was too high.
0:34:05 > 0:34:09Last week, the Turkish Prime Minister, Recep Erdogan,
0:34:09 > 0:34:13gave a campaign speech in which his voice rose
0:34:13 > 0:34:16to an inexplicably high pitch.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19Here's how he usually sounds...
0:34:19 > 0:34:24HE SPEAKS TURKISH AT NORMAL PITCH
0:34:24 > 0:34:27And here's what happened
0:34:27 > 0:34:30and, honestly, we haven't tampered with the audio.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33HE SPEAKS IN VERY HIGH-PITCHED VOICE
0:34:43 > 0:34:46He's clearly doing an impression of something.
0:34:46 > 0:34:48In truth, he had a sore throat
0:34:48 > 0:34:51and had to be voiced by Sarah Millican.
0:34:51 > 0:34:54The cash machine in Nottingham. Yes, this cash machine
0:34:54 > 0:34:57was outside a supermarket and it made the news this week
0:34:57 > 0:35:01for being just 15 inches off the ground, and here it is.
0:35:04 > 0:35:07That's like me with a normal cash machine, if I'm honest.
0:35:07 > 0:35:11Obviously, the first thing you need to do is check your balance,
0:35:11 > 0:35:12otherwise you'll fall over!
0:35:14 > 0:35:18- Liza Minnelli...- Yeah.- She was too short to get into the back
0:35:18 > 0:35:21- of a group selfie taken at this year's Oscars...- I didn't know that.
0:35:21 > 0:35:25There's the selfie, and here's the view behind.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28- There she is! - AUDIENCE: Aw...
0:35:28 > 0:35:31Liza with a Z...but no ladder.
0:35:31 > 0:35:33There we go.
0:35:33 > 0:35:37Aw. I haven't seen an actress cut out of a photo like that
0:35:37 > 0:35:40since Chris Martin started going through his holiday snaps.
0:35:42 > 0:35:45And it's time now for the Missing Words round,
0:35:45 > 0:35:50which this week features, as its guest publication, Your Chickens.
0:35:50 > 0:35:53Very wisely, the issues aren't numbered because, as we know,
0:35:53 > 0:35:57it's best not to count Your Chickens.
0:35:57 > 0:35:59And we start with...
0:36:01 > 0:36:03What?
0:36:03 > 0:36:06RICHARD: If you think that's bad, I used to be called Sandra Herpes.
0:36:11 > 0:36:12Sandra Clapp asks...
0:36:15 > 0:36:18- Aw, poor Sandra.- Next.
0:36:22 > 0:36:25RICHARD: Being emotionally available.
0:36:28 > 0:36:30Is it keeping very still?
0:36:31 > 0:36:32It's actually the opposite:
0:36:37 > 0:36:39And next:
0:36:42 > 0:36:44SADIQ: Votes UKIP.
0:36:49 > 0:36:55- No!- Yes. This is 77-year-old Eamonn McFadden who went
0:36:55 > 0:36:57into a photo booth and inadvertently selected
0:36:57 > 0:36:59the "fun girl band" option.
0:37:00 > 0:37:03Is that an option when you go into a photo booth?
0:37:03 > 0:37:06Yes, Ian. Have you been in a photo booth?
0:37:06 > 0:37:09No, I get a chap with a Brownie and a big...
0:37:09 > 0:37:12Ian's got an oil painting in his passport.
0:37:13 > 0:37:15Next:
0:37:18 > 0:37:20SADIQ: This Government have run out of ideas and don't know what
0:37:20 > 0:37:22to put in the Queen's Speech.
0:37:22 > 0:37:26RICHARD: Because Colin Firth is still refusing to play the part.
0:37:26 > 0:37:27The answer is:
0:37:30 > 0:37:33Yeah! Sadiq said that! He said that!
0:37:33 > 0:37:35Right, next:
0:37:40 > 0:37:42RICHARD: A licence to krill.
0:37:44 > 0:37:46He's on fire!
0:37:46 > 0:37:50Combat dolphins find living in Fulham overrated.
0:37:55 > 0:37:56Next:
0:37:59 > 0:38:01Seeks similar.
0:38:01 > 0:38:05Good sense of humour essential.
0:38:05 > 0:38:07Is it, ironically catches fire?
0:38:09 > 0:38:12The crisps in question were actually Walkers crisps.
0:38:12 > 0:38:14I thought they were Frazzles!
0:38:14 > 0:38:16They are now.
0:38:16 > 0:38:20Fire crews were alerted after the sound of fire was picked up
0:38:20 > 0:38:22by a powerful listening device -
0:38:22 > 0:38:24Gary Lineker's ears.
0:38:26 > 0:38:27Next:
0:38:30 > 0:38:33This is Prince Andrew saying we must let our children fail.
0:38:33 > 0:38:34Very good.
0:38:34 > 0:38:36Cos Prince Andrew knows all about that.
0:38:40 > 0:38:41RICHARD: I thought he was saying
0:38:41 > 0:38:44we must all keep this whole thing quiet or we'll do time.
0:38:44 > 0:38:47- Ooh!- What?
0:38:47 > 0:38:49One for the lawyers, I think.
0:38:50 > 0:38:52What do you think I'm referring to?
0:38:54 > 0:38:57There's no whimsy. But do go on.
0:38:58 > 0:39:00And finally:
0:39:04 > 0:39:06RICHARD: Liza Minnelli?
0:39:06 > 0:39:10JENNIFER CHUCKLES
0:39:10 > 0:39:13Boris Johnson!
0:39:13 > 0:39:14Think chicken.
0:39:14 > 0:39:17Oh, um.. No, I can't say that.
0:39:17 > 0:39:19The answer is:
0:39:22 > 0:39:25This is the cockerel who managed to hide himself amongst
0:39:25 > 0:39:28a group of hens without being discovered.
0:39:28 > 0:39:31The cockerel now lives under the watchful eye of Claire MacDonald
0:39:31 > 0:39:34on a farm she presumably inherited from her father...
0:39:34 > 0:39:37LAUGHTER
0:39:37 > 0:39:38..Old.
0:39:39 > 0:39:42So, the final scores are -
0:39:42 > 0:39:44Paul's team has six
0:39:44 > 0:39:46and Ian's team has ten.
0:39:46 > 0:39:51APPLAUSE
0:39:51 > 0:39:55But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:39:55 > 0:39:58RICHARD: If anyone knows of any just impediment or unlawful porpoise...
0:40:02 > 0:40:04Next:
0:40:06 > 0:40:09- AS PRINCE PHILIP: - What the fuck's this?!
0:40:15 > 0:40:18Not remotely witty at all. I do apologise.
0:40:18 > 0:40:21And also, I don't think the Pope would say that.
0:40:23 > 0:40:26On which note we say thank you to our panellists...
0:40:26 > 0:40:28- Is that it?!- Yes, it is.
0:40:28 > 0:40:31..Ian Hislop and Sadiq Khan, Paul Merton and Richard Osman.
0:40:31 > 0:40:33I leave you with news that,
0:40:33 > 0:40:36in Los Angeles, a leading cosmetic surgeon takes delivery
0:40:36 > 0:40:39of Jennifer Lopez's new buttock implants.
0:40:43 > 0:40:46In Kuala Lumpur, the Malaysian military admit
0:40:46 > 0:40:47their initial attempts to find
0:40:47 > 0:40:50the missing plane were somewhat substandard.
0:40:53 > 0:40:56And the hidden camera captures the scene below Richard Osman's desk
0:40:56 > 0:40:59in the Pointless studio.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06Good night.
0:41:06 > 0:41:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:41:43 > 0:41:46Oh, OK. Have I done the bloody foreign smog?
0:41:46 > 0:41:48- CREW: Yeah, it's fine.- Oh, OK.
0:41:48 > 0:41:51Right. Get someone else in. Erm...
0:41:51 > 0:41:53LAUGHTER
0:41:53 > 0:41:55Get Emma Thompson.
0:41:55 > 0:41:57- She wouldn't be beastly to me like you've been.- She would be.
0:41:57 > 0:42:01- It's been forced upon me. - I used to be a fan.
0:42:01 > 0:42:03- I was going to ask for a selfie afterwards.- Sorry.
0:42:03 > 0:42:05You could do that yourself.
0:42:07 > 0:42:11- If it's any consolation, I'm even more of a fan than I was.- OK!