0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:24 > 0:00:27APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42I'm Stephen Mangan, and in the news this week,
0:00:42 > 0:00:43at the NUT headquarters,
0:00:43 > 0:00:45as Michael Gove gets stuck in a lift,
0:00:45 > 0:00:49he's reassured it'll be repaired in no time...
0:00:57 > 0:01:01..secret footage shows the truth about how Lidl make their salad...
0:01:10 > 0:01:14..and in Kent, some UKIP supporters are hypnotised
0:01:14 > 0:01:16and told to kill the Prime Minister.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22NIGEL: That's a bit rich!
0:01:22 > 0:01:25On Paul's team tonight is the leader of UKIP,
0:01:25 > 0:01:29who was recently interviewed in his Mayfair office by Alastair Campbell,
0:01:29 > 0:01:32thus giving the sniper across the street with one bullet
0:01:32 > 0:01:34a terrible dilemma.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Please welcome Nigel Farage.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40Thank you.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44And with Ian tonight,
0:01:44 > 0:01:46bringing our percentage of women on the show
0:01:46 > 0:01:49to well above that of the coalition Cabinet,
0:01:49 > 0:01:51it's comedian Roisin Conaty.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Ian and Roisin, have a look at this.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06Oh, this is Maria Miller. She's gone, going into a house, not hers.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Oh, she's changed her outfit.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11There's another house. That's probably hers.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15Oh, and it's a duck house. That's where she put her parents to live.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17LAUGHTER
0:02:17 > 0:02:20No, he doesn't think that's funny either.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23- She's resigned. - She's resigned! She's gone.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27She said it was because she'd brought in gay marriage
0:02:27 > 0:02:29and the evil press were out to get her.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31But, you know, that's unfair, cos...
0:02:31 > 0:02:34We were. Er...
0:02:34 > 0:02:37But she did actually threaten the Telegraph when they brought it up.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39One of her assistants said,
0:02:39 > 0:02:41"My boss is in charge of Leveson and press behaviour."
0:02:41 > 0:02:43The reason she went is the public are furious.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45They've had enough of MPs claiming expenses
0:02:45 > 0:02:47and it's very damaging for everyone, isn't it, Nigel?
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Nigel, what do you think about her resigning?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54On the basis she doesn't even know where she lives,
0:02:54 > 0:02:56I wouldn't have thought she's fit to be in the Cabinet, would you?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I'd say good riddance, frankly.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01I think it's absolutely disgusting, all these elected politicians
0:03:01 > 0:03:04using all these expenses to better themselves.
0:03:04 > 0:03:05It's disgraceful, isn't it, Ian?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08It's absolutely disgraceful, Mr Kettle.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14So why was Cameron so reluctant to get rid of her?
0:03:14 > 0:03:16He didn't want to look weak,
0:03:16 > 0:03:18he didn't want to lose one of the women in his Cabinet
0:03:18 > 0:03:21and he doesn't like being told what to do.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23And he's indecisive.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24And he's hopeless.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27It's not like the real world, is it?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30She's lost her job but she's just gone to the back benches,
0:03:30 > 0:03:31so it's not like...
0:03:31 > 0:03:33It's like school - she had to stand up and say,
0:03:33 > 0:03:37"Sorry for my attitude," and then got told to sit at the back of the class.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39She was a woman who went to a comprehensive,
0:03:39 > 0:03:42so he's done pretty well to communicate with her up till now.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46In her resignation, she apologised.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50- She said she was leaving because she'd become a "distraction".- Yes.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Cats in tights on the internet are a distraction.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58The press kept commissioning opinion polls,
0:03:58 > 0:04:01all which said she should quit.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04This is something David Cameron had actually told his MPs
0:04:04 > 0:04:06to think about when the expenses scandal broke in 2009...
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Well, Dave, it looks a bit like this...
0:04:21 > 0:04:23And Sky News weren't to be left out.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27They conducted its very own scientific survey of MPs.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28Did you see this?
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Two people think she should be sacked, one thinks no,
0:04:32 > 0:04:3413 - no comment.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- It's not a very big poll, is it?- No. - It's barely a quiz.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- Is that a PLO scarf she's wearing? - It is, actually, yeah.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51It didn't help, the MPs who actually turned out to help her out.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54I mean, first out was Iain Duncan Smith,
0:04:54 > 0:04:57who's just brought in the Bedroom Tax, where you penalise
0:04:57 > 0:05:00people for having a spare bedroom, and she's got a spare house!
0:05:02 > 0:05:05They go to jail, she goes to the back benches...
0:05:05 > 0:05:06- PUTS ON SURLY VOICE - ..for her attitude.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Who's replaced Maria Miller?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- Sajid...- Sajid Javid.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16- What you said.- That's it.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18He's completely different.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20He used to work for a merchant bank.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21Yeah.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Didn't he take over within three hours?
0:05:26 > 0:05:28If you can leave your job within three hours,
0:05:28 > 0:05:32your job probably isn't really worth anything.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33Three hours?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35It took me two weeks and two interviews
0:05:35 > 0:05:37to get a job in Woolworths.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38Yeah, but that's a proper job.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- Yeah, exactly.- It's harder now they've gone bankrupt.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Much harder.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48- And he replaced someone before, because of expenses, in 2009.- Ah.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50I think. So he's like Tory Polyfilla.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Any other casualties from this farrago?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Farrago sounds like...
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Sounds like the Italian branch of your family, doesn't it?
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Any other casualties?
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Unruly blonde hair, is that a clue?
0:06:12 > 0:06:13Oh, Michael Fabricant.
0:06:13 > 0:06:18He got sacked, cos he tweeted, "About time," she was sacked.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Which suggests the Prime Minister was dithering. So he sacked him.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24"You're out, Fabricant. Take your wig with you."
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Take your wig with you, exactly, yeah. He tweeted:
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Here he is.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41For party officials, the final straw...
0:06:41 > 0:06:43was seen coming out of his head.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49Maria Miller's resignation attracted the usual bunch of rent-a-quotes...
0:06:55 > 0:06:57That was Nigel Farage.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01The same Nigel Farage who, in 2009, revealed that as an MEP,
0:07:01 > 0:07:03he'd claimed, in expenses...
0:07:06 > 0:07:08AUDIENCE BOOS
0:07:08 > 0:07:12And who was it that brought up the issue of £2 million and me
0:07:12 > 0:07:14and taxpayers' money?
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- Denis MacShane.- Yeah, he's in jail, but you're not.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- Yes, I had noticed that.- Good. Erm...
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Yes, well, as a tax-funded MEP,
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Nigel Farage is an equal opportunities employer.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Some of our money has gone to his wife
0:07:27 > 0:07:29and some to his mistress.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Erm, I think that is "allegedly", don't you?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34I think that is "allegedly".
0:07:34 > 0:07:36We can set the record straight right now.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39I think you ought to say "allegedly", quite honestly.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Can I say, as a member of the press,
0:07:41 > 0:07:44I think actors really are in need of a royal charter.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50I mean, that sort of allegation is pretty distressing.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Is it true?
0:07:52 > 0:07:54- No, afraid not.- Not true at all.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- Not true at all. - Any of the good bits?
0:07:58 > 0:08:01LAUGHTER Well, that's...
0:08:01 > 0:08:02There are good bits?!
0:08:04 > 0:08:07- I'll tell you afterwards.- Right. - HE MOUTHS SILENTLY
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Let's have a look, shall we, at some of those revelations.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Here is Nikki Sinclaire, a former UKIP MEP,
0:08:13 > 0:08:16now representing the We Demand A Referendum Party
0:08:16 > 0:08:17in the European Parliament.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Take a close look at the reaction of the translator
0:08:20 > 0:08:23in the bottom left corner of the screen.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Does Mr Farage think it's a fair use of taxpayers' money,
0:08:26 > 0:08:31namely his secretarial allowance, not only to employ his wife, Kirsten,
0:08:31 > 0:08:34but his former mistress, Annabelle Fuller?
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Is this a responsible use of taxpayers' money, Mr Farage?
0:08:39 > 0:08:41I would just say this to you, Chairman -
0:08:41 > 0:08:44this is somebody who hid under the cloak of parliamentary privilege
0:08:44 > 0:08:47to make those comments and, when asked to repeat them publically,
0:08:47 > 0:08:48refused to do so.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Quite funny, though.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56David Cameron was very rude about your people, wasn't he, Nigel?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Oh, he always is. He can't help himself.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02- Fruitcakes?- Fruitcakes and loonies. - And loonies, and worse.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- He said worse than that. - He did.- Extremists.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06- Extremists?- Yeah.- Shocking(!)
0:09:06 > 0:09:10- Well, I think it's time... - LAUGHTER
0:09:10 > 0:09:13I think it's time for a game of Fruitcake or Loony?
0:09:16 > 0:09:18OK, everyone, fingers on your buzzers.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21I'll show you some UKIP party members.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23You have to buzz in and tell me whether they're a fruitcake...
0:09:25 > 0:09:26..or a loony.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Here's the first one.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- NIGEL: I don't know who he is.- Ian.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42- I'm just guessing. Fruitcake. - I'm afraid that's the wrong answer.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45He's a loony.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49He's a would-be UKIP counsellor and loony John Sullivan, who wrote...
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Which is quite right, Mr Sullivan, and that's why you'll never see
0:09:58 > 0:10:00a gay man down the gym.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07APPLAUSE
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Fingers on buzzers. Here's your next one.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13BUZZER
0:10:13 > 0:10:15- Nigel Farage, UKIP party.- Uh...
0:10:18 > 0:10:20This is a bit tricky, this one.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Cos he's the treasurer of one of our biggest donors.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25I wouldn't really like to call Stuart Wheeler either.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- I'll have to go for fruitcake. - Is the correct answer.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30He got it right.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Yes, this is UKIP party treasurer Stuart Wheeler
0:10:33 > 0:10:35and fruitcake who said that women had no place in the boardroom
0:10:35 > 0:10:38and couldn't compete with men at sports,
0:10:38 > 0:10:41even when they're not physically disadvantaged. He said...
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Final go, fruitcake or loony?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Don't know the chap.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- No, anyone?- I'm going to go for loony.- Is the wrong answer.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05It's actually a trick question.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08He's not a fruitcake nor a loony, he's a closet racist.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16At a public meeting about Travellers he said...
0:11:20 > 0:11:24- His name is Rob Fraser. - Thanks for telling me.- There you go.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26- UKIP supporter. - Nice chap, buys his round.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32So, back to Maria Miller.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36Here's Sky News' Kay Burley getting some reactions.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39So, how has David Cameron come out of this?
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Let's talk to two Conservative MPs. Ben Harris-Quinney and Mark Wallace.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45It's very kind of you to promote me to being an MP
0:11:45 > 0:11:49but I haven't been elected by the people. I'm a mere humble blogger.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52I'm quite happy arguing on the internet about politics, thank you.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Do you like being an MP, Ben?
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- I'm not an MP either, I'm afraid.- Oh, OK.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04It's where the news happens second.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06You can't see the bottom half of Kay Burley there
0:12:06 > 0:12:10because she is busy kicking the researcher to death under her desk.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13All three of them are bald and playing a game of musical wigs.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21This is the resignation of Maria Miller,
0:12:21 > 0:12:24the Minister for Culture. Accepting Maria Miller's resignation,
0:12:24 > 0:12:27David Cameron praised her achievements including the fact
0:12:27 > 0:12:29that thanks to her many more people...
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Thus helping 180,000 of them
0:12:34 > 0:12:37to sign an online petition calling for her to quit.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42The only person to deliver a less credible apology this week
0:12:42 > 0:12:43was Oscar Pistorius.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Her replacement, Sajid Javid, is a rising star at the Treasury
0:12:51 > 0:12:55whose background as a former vice president at Chase Manhattan Bank
0:12:55 > 0:12:58and then head of Deutsche Bank's Global Credit Trading,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Structured Finance and Securitisation in Asia
0:13:01 > 0:13:04makes him the perfect choice for Culture Secretary.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Paul and Nigel, take a look at this.
0:13:09 > 0:13:10This is New Zealand.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14This is the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and, oh...
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- NIGEL: What's he want to do with that?- I don't know.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- Bit disturbing, isn't it?- Is that the new baby? It is, I think.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Future King George.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25There was a piece in the paper about how much he looked like his father.
0:13:25 > 0:13:26Which was considered newsworthy.
0:13:26 > 0:13:31- So, they've been to New Zealand. - It's good news for the royal family.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33It's nice, isn't it? It's good.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Bit of an exclusive, I think. A scoop.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41What the prince picked up was, in fact, a poisoned dart. Is that right?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43I don't know.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47- To prove that he's friend rather than foe.- I think that's right.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49And he had to maintain eye contact throughout.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Although those tattooed buttocks might have been
0:13:52 > 0:13:53a bit of a distraction. I'm not sure.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Were they distracting for you, Nigel?
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Not personally.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01We are, Ian...
0:14:01 > 0:14:04- As you know, we're a very liberal-minded party.- Absolutely.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06I was going to suggest there's a gym nearby.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Flex your manifesto.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Yes, this is the visit of Wills and Kate to New Zealand.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- How did they begin their visit? - They got off a plane.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Is the right answer.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27Local knowledge helped there.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29During the welcoming ceremony, who was that
0:14:29 > 0:14:33displaying their tattooed buttocks and why was this unexpected?
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Was it the Foreign Secretary?
0:14:36 > 0:14:39He was a Maori warrior and they normally wear nothing
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- under their grass skirt and ceremonial belt.- Yeah.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45But they agreed to wear an additional black thong.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48What did Prince George do for the first time in New Zealand?
0:14:48 > 0:14:53He waved. Yep, he's picked it up. Which is 90% of the job so...
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Yes, he had his first official engagement, meeting dignitaries
0:14:59 > 0:15:02including John Key, New Zealand's Prime Minister.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04According to the Daily Mail...
0:15:08 > 0:15:11..he made quite an impression on the baby.
0:15:11 > 0:15:16Meanwhile in royal news back home, what's going on here?
0:15:16 > 0:15:21This is the first visit to England by an Irish President.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23That's him there. The little guy, Michael Higgins.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27Rather overawed by where he is, I think.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31I mean, he is a funny little fellow. There's no two ways about it.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34My Irish cousins say the same so I'm trying not to be impolite.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36It's of great historical significance.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39- Who did he bring with him? - McGuinness.- Martin McGuinness.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42He didn't technically bring him with him, did he?
0:15:42 > 0:15:44It makes it sound like it's his plus one.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49They had dinner and a lot of people complained saying,
0:15:49 > 0:15:52"What is Martin McGuinness doing at a dinner with the Queen?"
0:15:52 > 0:15:55- Eating.- Eating.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58- And toasting.- Yeah. - He toasted the Queen.- He did.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Which I thought the complaints rather missed the point.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04Which is when you make a peace treaty you do it with people
0:16:04 > 0:16:06who don't like you very much.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09And better to have him in a white tie than in a black beret
0:16:09 > 0:16:11throwing things, really.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15- What did the Queen wear to mark this occasion?- Balaclava?
0:16:19 > 0:16:21With the crown on top.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Make him feel at ease.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Break the tension a little bit.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29"It's me!"
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Yes, as a reference to the Emerald Isle
0:16:34 > 0:16:37she wore the Grand Duchess Vladimir of Russia's tiara.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Which is decorated with emeralds.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42And although McGuinness was invited to the state banquet,
0:16:42 > 0:16:45the Queen made her feelings known by forcing him
0:16:45 > 0:16:47to have a conversation with Ed Miliband.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54And in the week when Royal favourite Princess Anne
0:16:54 > 0:16:56suggested badgers should be gassed,
0:16:56 > 0:16:58here's my favourite badger-related headline
0:16:58 > 0:17:01which also involves Kelly Brook's boyfriend.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10And, to be fair, we've all done it.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13I suppose we should mention Europe.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Here's a BBC reporter at a debate about the EU.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18We did talk to some UKIP people today who weren't happy at all
0:17:18 > 0:17:21and they did say they thought - some might be coming along -
0:17:21 > 0:17:23we'll have to see when the questions and answers come later,
0:17:23 > 0:17:26- as to whether they are... - I'm very sorry...- I'm sorry.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28..but we're having a meeting.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32Well, you might have to speak even more quietly for a moment.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Unfortunately, I think we may leave it there.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Well, it's just a rank and file party member,
0:17:39 > 0:17:42nothing to worry about, perfectly normal.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49This is the visit of Wills and Kate to New Zealand.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53The Daily Mail devoted eight pages of photos of the Royal Prince.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Which is fair enough
0:17:55 > 0:17:57because nobody's ever seen a fucking baby before.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03APPLAUSE
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Back in the UK, the Queen hosted a state visit for the Irish President.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Controversially, they were joined at Windsor Castle by former
0:18:10 > 0:18:14IRA Commander Martin McGuinness for a sumptuous banquet.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Though the choice of dessert was perhaps a little insensitive.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19"Vanilla ice cream BOMBE."
0:18:21 > 0:18:25- And so to Round Two, the One Armed Bandit Of News.- Hurray!
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Fingers on buzzer, team, here's the first one.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34BUZZER
0:18:34 > 0:18:38George Bush has proved that he's got some paint and a brush.
0:18:38 > 0:18:43- And that's not too bad, I suppose. That's Tony Blair, I think.- Is it?
0:18:43 > 0:18:45I thought it was Putin.
0:18:45 > 0:18:50I think he does the one face, to be honest. That is Putin with hair.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52So, it's George Bush, he's become a painter.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- Now we know what he did with all that oil.- Yeah, exactly.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00He loves oil - painting, crude.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Baby?
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Very little evidence for that.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Anyone know where this exhibition is being held?
0:19:09 > 0:19:10It's in his front room.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Is it the seventh inner circle of hell?
0:19:15 > 0:19:17It's at...
0:19:19 > 0:19:22It's the one without the queue.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25How did he announce the opening of the exhibition of portraits?
0:19:25 > 0:19:29Well, he did his traditional countdown -
0:19:29 > 0:19:32ten, nine, eight, nine, six...
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Old joke. Forget it.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38In a TV interview conducted with his daughter he said...
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Don't worry, they won't.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48Have a guess who the people he painted are supposed to be.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50First up, who's this?
0:19:50 > 0:19:53- NIGEL: That's Vlad. - That is Vlad. Vladimir Putin.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56It looks like he's only paid 50% of the sunbed fee.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04A brown forehead in Russia is seen as a sign of weakness.
0:20:04 > 0:20:05Who's this fella?
0:20:07 > 0:20:10- NIGEL: Silvio Berlusconi. - No, that's Bob Monkhouse.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18Critics have described the portraits as "impersonal," why might that be?
0:20:18 > 0:20:22- He copied them all off Google Images. - He didn't!
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Yeah, they are all off Google Images. I read this in the paper.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29I thought all those people came and sat for him.
0:20:29 > 0:20:34- He's traced them, effectively.- Yes, that's pretty much the right answer.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38Here's Putin again, with his Google Image picture.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40And here's the Australian PM, John Howard.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- It's getting better.- Yeah, well, I'll show you some more, then.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Here's my favourite. It's Rafa Benitez.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55- Not really. That's Nouri al-Maliki, the Iraqi Prime Minister.- Yeah.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01His chin looks very close and his forehead looks very far away.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Sense of perspective, always George's problem.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16It's quite sad. Clinton and Blair, they're still on the world stage
0:21:16 > 0:21:19and he's just painting people he used to know.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Sort of imagine him putting them all on chairs
0:21:22 > 0:21:25and sort of chatting to them.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Where might his pictures find a permanent home?
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Landfill.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33They might end up in the Museum of Bad Art in Massachusetts.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Let's have a look at some of the exhibits.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38This is the "Mana Lisa."
0:21:39 > 0:21:41And here's one of the Obamas.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47- Nigel, have you had your portrait done?- No.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49How would you describe your look?
0:21:51 > 0:21:54- Ragged.- Ragged?- Mm.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Anyone else have a view on how Nigel looks?
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Swivel-eyed?
0:22:01 > 0:22:05Well, I think Defence Minister Anna Soubry described you best,
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Nigel, when she told viewers of Andrew Marr's programme...
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Wow!
0:22:16 > 0:22:18APPLAUSE
0:22:18 > 0:22:20That's what we expect.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28I get lonely.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34These are the paintings by former President George W Bush.
0:22:34 > 0:22:35His paintings were described as...
0:22:37 > 0:22:39..by one art critic. As...
0:22:40 > 0:22:44..by another. But as "magnificent masterpieces worthy of Michelangelo"
0:22:44 > 0:22:45by Tony Blair.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Here's George Bush's portrait of Tony Blair.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52To be fair, it is quite a good likeness.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55The lies follow you round the room.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05BUZZER
0:23:05 > 0:23:07- Yes, Paul.- It's cows.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10It's about cows, erm, we've got to stop cows farting and burping
0:23:10 > 0:23:13- because they're contributing to... - Global warming.- Global warming.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16So put cows on a different sort of diet, don't give them stuff
0:23:16 > 0:23:17that makes them windy, is the idea.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21- What, like grass, you mean?- Grass, yeah, they take them off grass.
0:23:21 > 0:23:22Put them on concrete.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Yes, this is the Cow of the Future project
0:23:26 > 0:23:29which the US government got behind and then wished it hadn't.
0:23:29 > 0:23:34How will a cow of the future differ from a cow of today?
0:23:34 > 0:23:37We're obviously going to catch something in that pink thing,
0:23:37 > 0:23:41their farts, to use it? We're going to use it power stuff, I imagine.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45Yeah, they're just going to throw it at wind turbines.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49If throwing a cow at a wind turbine doesn't make it fart, nothing will.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53They're skittish animals at the best of times.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Well, according to the Financial Times,
0:23:55 > 0:23:57the cow of the future will be...
0:24:05 > 0:24:07What do you think happens to the methane?
0:24:07 > 0:24:10I don't know the answer, I just wonder if anyone's thought of it.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13You've collected all that methane, what are you going to do with it?
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Set fire to it. We're wasting our time.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19Is that your answer when you don't know what to do with it, "Set fire to it!"?
0:24:19 > 0:24:20- Seems reasonable.- Yeah.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Brussels...
0:24:24 > 0:24:25Oh, absolutely.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31Something excited happened to another type of animal recently.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33- This isn't cats?- Dogs.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37This week, for the first time, a British dog was successfully cloned.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39- Oh, yeah!- A Channel 4 documentary
0:24:39 > 0:24:42revealed that a sample of skin tissue from the dog, Winnie,
0:24:42 > 0:24:44seen here with owner Rebecca,
0:24:44 > 0:24:47was sent to South Korea, where it was cloned.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Here is the new dog being weighed-in
0:24:50 > 0:24:52in Seoul's leading delicatessen.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58I'm going to come over all Stephen Fry now...
0:24:58 > 0:25:00- I beg your pardon?- No.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11To be fair...you have been very patient, Stephen.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:25:16 > 0:25:20What medical term comes from the Latin for cow
0:25:20 > 0:25:22and why has it been in the news recently?
0:25:22 > 0:25:23Erm, bovine?
0:25:23 > 0:25:24Erm...
0:25:24 > 0:25:27- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Vaccine. - Yeah, thank you.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Thank you very much indeed.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Would you like to take over?
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Come on.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Oh, no, apparently... Oh, no, OK, you can't.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Vaccine, yes. It comes from the Latin word for cow.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48According to the Guardian, Roche, the drug company behind Tamiflu,
0:25:48 > 0:25:49held back clinical trials
0:25:49 > 0:25:52which would have shown the drug was pretty much useless.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Do you remember, during the Swine Flu outbreak, everybody said,
0:25:55 > 0:25:58"If you take Tamiflu or one of those things,
0:25:58 > 0:26:01"it'll decrease your illness by half a day."
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Which you could do by taking a paracetamol.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07And the two companies involved, GlaxoSmithKline
0:26:07 > 0:26:11and Roche basically spent four years trying to avoid telling you
0:26:11 > 0:26:14what their clinical trials knew all along.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16By which time, the Government had actually spent the money,
0:26:16 > 0:26:19stockpiled the stuff, then it got desperate,
0:26:19 > 0:26:21didn't know what to do with it,
0:26:21 > 0:26:24- so they actually extended the end of life of the product.- The sell-by.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Yeah, they extended it and they encouraged GPs to buy it
0:26:27 > 0:26:30from a central stock and get rid of it as quickly as possible.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33So this is a story in which everyone's behaved appallingly,
0:26:33 > 0:26:34except you. You're clear.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36I think that's right, Ian, yes, I agree with you.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40That's amazing.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Scientists are working on a climate-friendly
0:26:42 > 0:26:46cow of the future, which will emit less methane.
0:26:46 > 0:26:47According to the Financial Times,
0:26:47 > 0:26:51the average cow emits 300 litres of methane every day and...
0:26:55 > 0:26:59All you need is a fridge, a cow, a tube, a pair of gloves,
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Wellington boots, a source of hay, a shovel
0:27:02 > 0:27:05and another fridge where you actually keep your food.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15BELL RINGS
0:27:15 > 0:27:18This is the most powerful number - seven.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Is that right? They did a survey. I must have read this somewhere.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25They have done a survey and seven is the world's favourite number.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26- Ah, favourite number.- Yes.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30Alex Bellos asked 44,000 people to submit their favourite number
0:27:30 > 0:27:33and seven proved the most popular. He describes it as...
0:27:36 > 0:27:38"The Nigel Farage of the number world."
0:27:40 > 0:27:45- Shall we go through the top ten world's favourite numbers?- Yes.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46- Yeah. - PICK OF THE POPS THEME PLAYS
0:27:46 > 0:27:49What's at number one? Number ten, sorry.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54- So, number ten. What do you think? - Number nine is number ten.- No.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57- Number eight.- No.- Number ten's number ten.- No.- Number one.- No.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59All numbers are available.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Oh, 128.
0:28:02 > 0:28:06No, at number ten, the tenth most popular number is, in fact, 11.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10- At nine.- It's ten.- No.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13- 40.- No.- 21.- No.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17At number nine is the number two.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21The most popular number in eighth position is...six.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24The seventh most popular number is nine,
0:28:24 > 0:28:26and the sixth most popular number is 13.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29OK, here's the top five.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32PICK OF THE POPS THEME
0:28:32 > 0:28:36This is going to be on Channel 4 for a whole evening.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39There'll be some talking heads in a minute.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41"What do you think of six?" "Yeah, love it."
0:28:41 > 0:28:45"I've always liked five cos it's a working class number.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48"That's what I like about five."
0:28:48 > 0:28:51"I think that three, when I was first growing up, I thought
0:28:51 > 0:28:54"three was a magnificent..." Oh, sorry!
0:28:54 > 0:28:57I've started auditioning! Sorry.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00- Where am I?- Let's firstly complete the top five.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03- At number five is five.- Brilliant.
0:29:03 > 0:29:06- Number is four.- Yes!
0:29:06 > 0:29:08- And number three is...eight.- Oh!
0:29:08 > 0:29:10At number two...
0:29:10 > 0:29:12- One.- ..is three.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15And, of course, seven is the top one at number one.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17But the study did ask people
0:29:17 > 0:29:20to describe the numbers between one and ten.
0:29:20 > 0:29:22Two was thought to be...
0:29:30 > 0:29:32How do you think three was described?
0:29:32 > 0:29:34Nostalgic, sexy, unreliable.
0:29:35 > 0:29:37Three is...
0:29:39 > 0:29:41Oh, God!
0:29:41 > 0:29:43Four, according to the people who responded to the survey, is:
0:29:47 > 0:29:49Yeah, this is absolute bollocks, isn't it?
0:29:49 > 0:29:53- Nigel...- Nigel Four-age.- Four-age.
0:29:55 > 0:29:58- Ah. Dear.- Nigel, you were once given a can of 7 Up by your UKIP pals.
0:29:58 > 0:30:01- I was, I remember that now. Yes.- Why was that?
0:30:01 > 0:30:05- I've forgotten the reason.- Oh. Well, luckily, I do know.- Oh, really?
0:30:05 > 0:30:09According to former Deputy Party Leader Mike Nattrass -
0:30:09 > 0:30:10is that how you say it?
0:30:10 > 0:30:13I'm trying to forget but go on.
0:30:13 > 0:30:15It was allegedly a prize for bedding a Latvian woman
0:30:15 > 0:30:17seven times in one night.
0:30:17 > 0:30:23That definitely, definitely is not true. I promise you.
0:30:23 > 0:30:27- A can of 7 Up, did you say? - Yeah. That was the prize.
0:30:27 > 0:30:30What kind of game is this?
0:30:31 > 0:30:34Right, from Nigel's sex life, let's get back to numbers.
0:30:34 > 0:30:38- Does anyone know the most popular pin code?- 1-2-3-4.
0:30:38 > 0:30:39Damn!
0:30:39 > 0:30:41Bearing in mind...
0:30:41 > 0:30:44those four digits are arrangeable in 10,000 different ways
0:30:44 > 0:30:46and 1-2-3-4 is the most popular.
0:30:46 > 0:30:51The fifth most popular pin code is 7-7-7-7.
0:30:53 > 0:30:56"22 has always been something as a number.
0:30:56 > 0:31:00"It meant a great deal to me when I was growing up in Geneva."
0:31:01 > 0:31:03This is a study which found
0:31:03 > 0:31:05that the most popular favourite number is seven.
0:31:05 > 0:31:08According to the survey:
0:31:11 > 0:31:13So perhaps 110 should try harder next time.
0:31:13 > 0:31:14It needs to give, I don't know,
0:31:14 > 0:31:16a certain amount of percent more effort.
0:31:18 > 0:31:21Time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:31:21 > 0:31:23Paul and Nigel, your four are:
0:31:23 > 0:31:26Gay marriage. Sheep.
0:31:26 > 0:31:27Alan Titchmarsh.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29And Noah.
0:31:29 > 0:31:33Well, I think that given that UKIP
0:31:33 > 0:31:37is the butt of virtually every joke this evening,
0:31:37 > 0:31:41- er, there has to be...- Oh, that's unfair. Only in this studio!
0:31:43 > 0:31:44Very good.
0:31:44 > 0:31:47Gay marriage. Do you remember all those gales we had,
0:31:47 > 0:31:51and all the rain and everything? I mean, it was bad weather!
0:31:51 > 0:31:54And I'm not saying that I agree with him, but, er...
0:31:54 > 0:31:57the UKIP chap said...
0:31:57 > 0:32:03that if we had gay marriage, we would get terrible weather events
0:32:03 > 0:32:06- of Biblical proportions.- Yeah.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08Meaning floods.
0:32:08 > 0:32:12Alan Titchmarsh was involved in a big row because people were digging up
0:32:12 > 0:32:15their lawns and building, you know, terraces and patios,
0:32:15 > 0:32:16and there was a big debate
0:32:16 > 0:32:20as to whether that was contributing towards floods or not.
0:32:20 > 0:32:22And the sheep thing, it was in Wales,
0:32:22 > 0:32:25which it always is with sheep, isn't it?
0:32:25 > 0:32:28And there's a chap who writes for the Guardian,
0:32:28 > 0:32:30called George Monbiot,
0:32:30 > 0:32:34and he says that sheep grazing all the hills
0:32:34 > 0:32:37and compacting all the soil, have led to floods.
0:32:37 > 0:32:40And Noah, of course, built a boat to avoid floods.
0:32:40 > 0:32:43So Noah's the odd one out because the others have all predicted
0:32:43 > 0:32:46how floods would come about and Noah sailed away on a flood.
0:32:46 > 0:32:48Is the right answer.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50APPLAUSE
0:32:50 > 0:32:51- Well done.- Yeah.
0:32:51 > 0:32:55I knew it had to be. I mean...
0:32:55 > 0:32:58- had to be.- Yes, they've all been blamed for the flooding,
0:32:58 > 0:33:01apart from Noah, who wasn't. Having been spared
0:33:01 > 0:33:03from the floods due to his lack of wickedness,
0:33:03 > 0:33:05what did Noah do once the Ark had landed?
0:33:05 > 0:33:07He got drunk.
0:33:07 > 0:33:10- He did!- And he was punished by, er...
0:33:10 > 0:33:12much later, a film being made.
0:33:14 > 0:33:17With Russell Crowe playing him.
0:33:17 > 0:33:20With a sort of Irish/Hebrew accent.
0:33:20 > 0:33:22Go on, give us a flavour of it.
0:33:24 > 0:33:27- IMITATES CROWE AS NOAH:- Where are those two elephants gone now?!
0:33:31 > 0:33:33APPLAUSE
0:33:35 > 0:33:36Very good.
0:33:36 > 0:33:40Yes. What did the Queen say to Titchmarsh when he got his MBE?
0:33:40 > 0:33:42"Put that ashtray back!"
0:33:44 > 0:33:46According to Al, Her Majesty said:
0:33:50 > 0:33:54UKIP councillor David Silvester blamed the recent storms and floods
0:33:54 > 0:33:56on the Government's decision to legalise gay marriage.
0:33:56 > 0:33:58If David Silvester really knows his Bible,
0:33:58 > 0:34:02he'll also have read the Book of Exodus, where God threatens:
0:34:04 > 0:34:07And if there's one thing UKIP hates more than gays...
0:34:13 > 0:34:15That is quite funny.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19Ian and Roisin, here are yours.
0:34:19 > 0:34:22A clean-shaven Russian during the time of Peter the Great,
0:34:22 > 0:34:26Chesty Love, Chris Moyles and ABBA.
0:34:26 > 0:34:28I think this is about tax avoidance.
0:34:28 > 0:34:31Chris Moyles set up a used car company
0:34:31 > 0:34:34- to try and funnel his earnings. - He sold used cars.
0:34:34 > 0:34:38- He said he was actually a salesman, didn't he?- Used car dealer.
0:34:38 > 0:34:42ABBA avoided paying tax by having amazing costumes,
0:34:42 > 0:34:46cos in Denmark, business wear was considered an expense.
0:34:46 > 0:34:48In Sweden.
0:34:48 > 0:34:49Oh, right. Yeah, wherever.
0:34:51 > 0:34:54Haven't you got anything to say about Chesty what's-her-name?
0:34:54 > 0:34:56- Chesty Love.- Chesty Love. - I have no recollection of her.
0:35:01 > 0:35:05And he hasn't got a beard, there was a tax on beards. Help me out!
0:35:05 > 0:35:06Who's she?
0:35:06 > 0:35:09Oh, look at me and you think, "She'll know who Chesty Love is."
0:35:11 > 0:35:17- I have no idea!- They've all avoided paying tax and she paid.
0:35:17 > 0:35:21- Paid lots.- You've got the right reason, but the wrong odd one out.
0:35:21 > 0:35:23Well, they've all changed their appearance,
0:35:23 > 0:35:25is the answer, to pay less tax.
0:35:25 > 0:35:29Apart from Chris Moyles, who changed his job to pay less tax.
0:35:29 > 0:35:32Chris, along with 450 fund managers, celebs and other high earners
0:35:32 > 0:35:35had signed up to a tax avoidance scheme called...
0:35:38 > 0:35:41Which lead to Moyles' claim he'd spent a year...
0:35:44 > 0:35:47According to the judge, Chris claimed he'd sold
0:35:47 > 0:35:50around £3,800 worth of vehicles but had run up...
0:35:55 > 0:35:58The outlandish costumes ABBA wore at the peak of their fame were
0:35:58 > 0:35:59designed for tax efficiency.
0:35:59 > 0:36:02Do you know how it worked, the tax efficiency in costumes?
0:36:02 > 0:36:06If they couldn't possibly be worn in everyday life.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08Is absolutely right, yes.
0:36:08 > 0:36:10Swedish law states that clothes were deductible
0:36:10 > 0:36:13if their owners could prove they were not suitable for daily wear.
0:36:13 > 0:36:15Look at Paul, I mean...
0:36:20 > 0:36:23Former Page 3 girl and exotic dancer Chesty Love
0:36:23 > 0:36:26enjoyed her 15 minutes of fame when she successfully ardigued...
0:36:26 > 0:36:27Oh, Christ.
0:36:29 > 0:36:32Just the mention of Chesty Love, I've gone to pieces.
0:36:32 > 0:36:33Former Page girl...
0:36:37 > 0:36:39Former Page 3 girl
0:36:39 > 0:36:43and exotic dancer Chesty Love enjoyed her 15 minutes of fame
0:36:43 > 0:36:44when she successfully argued
0:36:44 > 0:36:48that her breast implants were tax deductible. Here she is.
0:36:50 > 0:36:54Good news, Chris Moyles - turns out massive tits can avoid tax.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58They have all changed their appearance to pay less tax,
0:36:58 > 0:37:00apart from Chris Moyles, who changed his job
0:37:00 > 0:37:02and claimed he was a used car dealer.
0:37:02 > 0:37:05American stripper Chesty Love successfully claimed
0:37:05 > 0:37:06for her breast implants against tax.
0:37:06 > 0:37:08She ended up with a bra size of...
0:37:11 > 0:37:13To give you some idea of how big that is,
0:37:13 > 0:37:1756N is literally a night bus.
0:37:21 > 0:37:23Time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:37:23 > 0:37:25which this week features as its guest publication
0:37:25 > 0:37:28Norfolk On My Mind.
0:37:28 > 0:37:30It's at the same time both free
0:37:30 > 0:37:33and overpriced.
0:37:34 > 0:37:35We start with:
0:37:40 > 0:37:41What?
0:37:41 > 0:37:44"Have you ever thought of tossing yourself off?"
0:37:50 > 0:37:52Max Miller lives!
0:37:52 > 0:37:55It is a Max Miller joke, absolutely. 1943.
0:38:00 > 0:38:02Next...
0:38:05 > 0:38:06Optimism!
0:38:07 > 0:38:10People who've been to Norfolk.
0:38:11 > 0:38:14Given the theme of tonight, "UKIP voters", it could be, couldn't it?
0:38:14 > 0:38:16Close.
0:38:21 > 0:38:23APPLAUSE
0:38:24 > 0:38:26Scientists are searching for microbes in Yorkshire
0:38:26 > 0:38:28which they believe could show humans
0:38:28 > 0:38:30are descended from Martian life forms. Next...
0:38:33 > 0:38:34Norfolk!
0:38:34 > 0:38:36Debbie McGee.
0:38:36 > 0:38:37That's magic.
0:38:43 > 0:38:45- Norfolk!- Yes!
0:38:45 > 0:38:48- We said Norfolk. - And the answer is...Great Yarmouth.
0:38:48 > 0:38:50I used to go on holiday to Great Yarmouth.
0:38:50 > 0:38:52This is from an interview in Norfolk On My Mind,
0:38:52 > 0:38:54in which Paul Daniels reveals...
0:38:57 > 0:38:58Oh, for you as well, Paul?
0:39:00 > 0:39:01Next...
0:39:04 > 0:39:05ROISIN: With her own faeces.
0:39:08 > 0:39:10The answer is:
0:39:14 > 0:39:15Finally:
0:39:19 > 0:39:22And now I can't put my trousers on or pronounce the letter W.
0:39:31 > 0:39:34This is Michael Smith's postgraduate study
0:39:34 > 0:39:37in which he deliberately provoked bees to sting him
0:39:37 > 0:39:39all over his body. He said:
0:39:47 > 0:39:50No-one's forcing you, you weirdo!
0:39:52 > 0:39:55- I don't think bees give you a choice.- No!- "Which one?"
0:39:57 > 0:39:58He did, he got bees, he held them,
0:39:58 > 0:40:02he stung each place four times and he says the inside of the nose
0:40:02 > 0:40:04is apparently the most painful place on the body.
0:40:04 > 0:40:05The penis comes fourth.
0:40:05 > 0:40:07Always.
0:40:09 > 0:40:12So, the final scores are...
0:40:12 > 0:40:15Nigel and Paul have six points,
0:40:15 > 0:40:16but sneaking up and winning,
0:40:16 > 0:40:19it's Roisin and Ian with seven points!
0:40:19 > 0:40:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:40:27 > 0:40:31But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:40:32 > 0:40:35"Why does the loony on the bus always come and sit next to me?"
0:40:38 > 0:40:41Boris Johnson's disguise is rumbled.
0:40:42 > 0:40:43And I leave you with news that
0:40:43 > 0:40:46after a long, drunken night out with friends,
0:40:46 > 0:40:49William Hague tries to sneak back into the office...
0:40:54 > 0:40:57..in Westminster, as part of their induction course,
0:40:57 > 0:41:00the new batch of Conservative interns are sent to find out
0:41:00 > 0:41:02how ordinary people travel to work...
0:41:06 > 0:41:09..and at a political gathering in Bournemouth,
0:41:09 > 0:41:11after desperately trying to find a toilet,
0:41:11 > 0:41:14Nick Clegg picks an opportune moment to urinate from a balcony.
0:41:18 > 0:41:20Good night.
0:41:56 > 0:41:59- GEORDIE ACCENT:- 47 for me was literally a life saver.