0:00:28 > 0:00:31APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42I'm Jeremy Clarkson.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45In the news this week, as delegates gather
0:00:45 > 0:00:49for the official G8 summit photo, there's speculation about
0:00:49 > 0:00:52how the Russians will react to being left out.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00News reaches St George's Hospital
0:01:00 > 0:01:04that health Minister Jeremy Hunt has got lockjaw.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17And as the Conservatives continue to poll badly outside
0:01:17 > 0:01:21the south-east, the government prepares to switch off the north.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31On Ian's team tonight is a German comedian who once did a show
0:01:31 > 0:01:34about the history of German humour.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37It was an hour long with a 58-minute interval.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Please welcome Henning Wehn.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42APPLAUSE
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Vielen Dank.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51And with Paul tonight is a columnist for the Sunday Times who, like me,
0:01:51 > 0:01:55is the rarest of creatures, a Murdoch journalist who isn't in court.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59Please welcome Camilla Long.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01APPLAUSE
0:02:03 > 0:02:06And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Ian and Henning, take a look at this.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- Putin with a black halo. - A man very angry with a Russian flag.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Oh, look, it's Clarkson!
0:02:21 > 0:02:23"The boys go to the Ukraine."
0:02:29 > 0:02:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:35 > 0:02:37- THE Ukraine is racist.- Is it?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Which is why in Top Gear when we went to Ukraine,
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- all the "the"s were taken out. - Oh, really?
0:02:42 > 0:02:46Yes, so it sounded like we were all from Yorkshire, "We were going t'Ukraine."
0:02:49 > 0:02:54This is Putin and by the time this goes out there maybe a world war...
0:02:54 > 0:02:56declared, or it may be peace, what you reckon?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Well, it's essentially a civil war, isn't it?
0:02:58 > 0:03:02There's one part of the Soviet Union having a bit of an argy-bargy
0:03:02 > 0:03:04with another part of the Soviet Union.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07It's all even further east than Romania, so who cares?
0:03:07 > 0:03:09LAUGHTER
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Do you know, I don't think you've been over here long enough.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18For a start, it's not the Soviet Union any more.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20It's the Russian Federation.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Secondly, Ukraine is a sovereign state, it's not a civil war,
0:03:23 > 0:03:25it's a certain amount of agents provocateurs
0:03:25 > 0:03:27sent in by the Russians.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31- But apart from that, your analysis is terrific.- Thank you very much.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Yesterday, they had a breakthrough, didn't they, in Geneva?
0:03:36 > 0:03:38- What have they agreed? - I have no idea.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40They're going to have tea in the mornings,
0:03:40 > 0:03:42followed by biscuits at 11.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44There's a diplomatic breakthrough on the news,
0:03:44 > 0:03:48- which everybody will be rejoicing and celebrating tomorrow.- Possibly.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51You are right, it is the worsening situation in the Ukraine.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53I am a bit of an expert on this because I was there...
0:03:53 > 0:03:56- Did I just say THE Ukraine?- You did.
0:03:58 > 0:04:03- You're right, this is the worsening situation in...Ukraine.- Ukraine.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06- I am a bit of an expert. - Did you drive there in car?
0:04:09 > 0:04:12I'm sorry, car means cock in Albanian.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15When will you learn to try and hold yourself back?
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Car means cock in English as well, to be fair.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20LAUGHTER
0:04:23 > 0:04:24Some of them are automatic.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29I actually was there the day those protests began.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31I was, genuinely. I took a photo of the protests beginning
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- in Independence Square... - There's no link, is there?
0:04:34 > 0:04:35< Were they so angry seeing you?
0:04:35 > 0:04:38This is genuinely true. This actually happened. I took that.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39I'm not a very good photographer,
0:04:39 > 0:04:41but that was the start of the protests.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43And I'm an even worse reporter because I said to my newspaper,
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- "Nothing will come of this." - LAUGHTER
0:04:46 > 0:04:48According to the Guardian,
0:04:48 > 0:04:52the Ukrainian government is very worried about cities like...
0:04:54 > 0:04:59Them. So the UN is sending an emergency consignment of vowels.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03What have the West done about Russian aggression?
0:05:03 > 0:05:07- Nothing at all.- That's exactly right.- Threatened some sanctions.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09What's William Hague been saying?
0:05:09 > 0:05:13- T'Ukraine is what he's been saying. - He says...
0:05:23 > 0:05:27I wonder if he's talking about the European Rapid Reaction Force.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31Which I seem to recall he mentioned when I was on this show in 2003.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Have we got a clip of that?
0:05:33 > 0:05:34At a European mini-summit,
0:05:34 > 0:05:38ministers called for the creation of a European Rapid Reaction Force.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40So the next time there's a war to be fought,
0:05:40 > 0:05:43they can decide to do nothing even faster.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46The Rapid Reaction Force will consist of soldiers from Belgium, France
0:05:46 > 0:05:49and Luxembourg. Ooh, scary!
0:05:52 > 0:05:56See, that's the danger of doing this show, it comes back to bite you.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59When you're Foreign Secretary, we'll play it in.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- Would you like to see what Prince William has been doing?- Yes.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08William went to an aircraft factory where he revealed
0:06:08 > 0:06:10his passion for flying despite having left the IRA.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Er, the RAF.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23He's the best sleeper they've ever had.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28This is the growing crisis in eastern Ukraine,
0:06:28 > 0:06:32or if you're watching the repeat, western Russia.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36Russia currently has 9,000 warheads, whereas according to the Times,
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Ukraine gave their nuclear weapons to Russia
0:06:42 > 0:06:46..under a treaty negotiated by the head of the Ukrainian armed forces,
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Major Fuck-up.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51According to the Daily Mail...
0:06:56 > 0:07:00Four? The entire air force? Are we mad?
0:07:01 > 0:07:05Paul and Camilla, take a look at this.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Right, yes, the Houses of Parliament obviously.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11- Beer being served very quickly. - CAMILLA: Phwoar!
0:07:13 > 0:07:17It's the Palace of Sexminster, isn't it? It's the survey that said that
0:07:17 > 0:07:20a third of people get groped when they go into Westminster.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23A third of their person gets groped.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26- A minimum.- The head and the knees are left alone.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29But the odd thing about that footage was the fact that there was
0:07:29 > 0:07:33a woman in the car, when I think it's mostly men who are being targeted.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Yes, 40% of all the men said
0:07:35 > 0:07:38they'd received unwanted sexual advances.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- Yes.- And 60% were quite pleased.
0:07:43 > 0:07:4633% said they had personally experienced...
0:07:46 > 0:07:50What's the difference between sexual harassment and unwanted sexual advances?
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Why am I looking at you, Camilla? Why am I not looking at the men?
0:07:53 > 0:07:56I don't know why you're looking at any of us, really.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58I think that probably counts as sexual harassment from you.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:04 > 0:08:07How did one Conservative MP react to the findings?
0:08:07 > 0:08:11"Would the Prime Minister please take his hand off my knee?"
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Did he say, "It never happened to me"?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17With bitterness and regret.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21He expressed the view that those who believe themselves to be
0:08:21 > 0:08:27victims of unwanted sexual advances should toughen up and grow a pair.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31And then presumably keep them well away from MPs.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Who definitely ISN'T guilty of rape and sexual assault?
0:08:37 > 0:08:40It's comedy gold, this first round.
0:08:41 > 0:08:42Nigel Evans.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Yes! There you go, I knew you'd know it.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47It is the Deputy Speaker, Nigel Evans -
0:08:47 > 0:08:50cleared of all charges at Preston Crown Court.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52His defence to one of the charges
0:08:52 > 0:08:54was that his conduct had simply been...
0:08:59 > 0:09:00It's quite surprising
0:09:00 > 0:09:02that that endears him back to the party, isn't it?
0:09:02 > 0:09:03Course, now everyone goes -
0:09:03 > 0:09:06"Oh, yeah, he was unfairly shafted", and...
0:09:10 > 0:09:13I think your English idiom needs a little...
0:09:15 > 0:09:16..brushing up.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18HENNING LAUGHS
0:09:22 > 0:09:23Erm, a slight problem now,
0:09:23 > 0:09:26in that my shirt has become fastened somehow to my desk.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28LAUGHTER
0:09:29 > 0:09:31I have literally no idea how this has happened,
0:09:31 > 0:09:33but it has.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35If you think I'm going there,
0:09:35 > 0:09:40I'm far too afraid that will end in another sexual harassment claim.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44In alcohol and rudeness-related news - there we are -
0:09:44 > 0:09:47which pub caused a stir when it announced it was reopening
0:09:47 > 0:09:48after building work?
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Is there a clue in "stir"?
0:09:50 > 0:09:53No - it was the Wig and Pen pub in Truro, Cornwall.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54Let's have a look.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56HENNING: That was a scandal, that was.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Mostly lawyers going there.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09Yes, this is the sex-and-booze culture in Westminster.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13Much of the inappropriate behaviour takes place in the...
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Though, as the old saying goes,
0:10:16 > 0:10:18"There's no such thing as a stranger,
0:10:18 > 0:10:21"just a researcher you haven't groped yet."
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Clearly something needs to be done
0:10:23 > 0:10:26about the culture of bullying at Westminster.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37..whimpered a trembling Nick Clegg.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41- Is...- Mmm?
0:10:41 > 0:10:43- This is the autocue bit.- Oh, yeah.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Yeah. You will obey ze orders.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47LAUGHTER
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Carry on, then, mate.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Ian and Henning, here's another for you.
0:10:54 > 0:10:55Ah, it's Nigel Farage.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58There he is - shaking hands with grannies.
0:10:58 > 0:10:59"Hello!" he says.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00And there's his headquarters.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02That's a barn in East Sussex.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04That's the Farage Mobile.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06And that's the expenses claims.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Expenses being chopped up - there he is, he's being arrested.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12"Will you come quietly?" "What do you think?"
0:11:12 > 0:11:15The entire British establishment, all the newspapers,
0:11:15 > 0:11:18is terrified at the thought of Farage winning.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22So they've concocted a story about £60,000 of expenses
0:11:22 > 0:11:26going into his own bank account which are unaccounted for.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27Isn't that awful?
0:11:29 > 0:11:32If that actually is the worst they can come up with,
0:11:32 > 0:11:34that isn't much, really, is it?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37It would be more damage with his voters
0:11:37 > 0:11:39if they had a picture of him eating linguine.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44No?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46"What's he eating that foreign muck for?"
0:11:49 > 0:11:52What worries me is, he was on the show last week, wasn't he?
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- He was, yes.- Yeah, and now I'm here this week,
0:11:55 > 0:11:57so I'd better watch out in the next few days,
0:11:57 > 0:11:59or maybe there'll be some report of me
0:11:59 > 0:12:01funnelling some money back into Europe.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04LAUGHTER
0:12:04 > 0:12:05I've actually got a bank account in Berlin,
0:12:05 > 0:12:08so when money goes into that one...
0:12:08 > 0:12:12I hope the papers don't find out about it.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15I think there's no chance now you've said it.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16CAMILLA: Didn't he argue
0:12:16 > 0:12:18that it wasn't actually expenses?
0:12:18 > 0:12:21It was a kind of pre-ordained allowance.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23What he says is that you get an allowance from Europe
0:12:23 > 0:12:25and you can do with it whatever you like.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27They say the one thing you can't do with it
0:12:27 > 0:12:29is fund yourself to go around the country
0:12:29 > 0:12:31saying, "Isn't Brussels rubbish?"
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Uh...they think that's taking the piss.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Farage thinks that's fine, but the problem is,
0:12:37 > 0:12:40this barn where he has his headquarters
0:12:40 > 0:12:41was given by a UKIP donor,
0:12:41 > 0:12:45so technically he should have declared that, say his critics.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47He says, "I don't have to declare that,
0:12:47 > 0:12:51"you can come and investigate me." But as it stands,
0:12:51 > 0:12:53it looks as though he's in trouble.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55- Can you read the correct, legal version?- Yes.
0:12:55 > 0:13:00- Oh, good, that'll be fun.- He's received £15,500 a year since 2009,
0:13:00 > 0:13:04and £60,000 of his EU allowance for running his office
0:13:04 > 0:13:07seems to be unaccounted for.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09That's how funny lawyers are.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11LAUGHTER
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Yeah, I mean, it's broadly what I said, without the innuendo
0:13:14 > 0:13:16and the clear attempt to suggest he's guilty.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19LAUGHTER
0:13:21 > 0:13:24He basically said, "I've made £2 million out of Europe in expenses,"
0:13:24 > 0:13:27which he's spent on going round saying Europe's rubbish.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31- That's what he does.- That is a very punk attitude, isn't it?
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Like, destroy what destroys you.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35- Brilliant. So he's a punk? - He is a punk.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37"Nige Vicious".
0:13:37 > 0:13:39LAUGHTER
0:13:39 > 0:13:41How much can be accounted for?
0:13:41 > 0:13:45- What, generally in life?! - No, no, no. Of this money.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47There was a shortfall of 10 grand, wasn't there?
0:13:47 > 0:13:51Well, Farage has said that £3,000 a year goes on electricity
0:13:51 > 0:13:53for running the office, and he was challenged
0:13:53 > 0:13:56by Dermot Murnaghan on Sky News, who said:
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Which was helpfully explained in the Mail as:
0:14:06 > 0:14:08I think you'd have to explain to Dermot Murnaghan,
0:14:08 > 0:14:10there's no way you could run Tracy Island
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- for three grand a year, is there? - No.- Those hinged palm trees...
0:14:13 > 0:14:16That's going to cost a fortune, unless you do it on the night rate.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19He doesn't know what he's talking about.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21You see the latest allegation concerning UKIP's finances?
0:14:21 > 0:14:25- Yeah - it was a much bigger amount, though, wasn't it?- Much bigger.
0:14:25 > 0:14:30£287,000 has gone missing from the party's coffers.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33A spokesman for UKIP's new Costa del Sol office
0:14:33 > 0:14:36said they had absolutely no idea where it had gone.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38That is funny that you mention it,
0:14:38 > 0:14:41because that was, again, published by the Times.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44I mean, I'm not the biggest fan of Nigel Farage or UKIP,
0:14:44 > 0:14:46even though they are, at least,
0:14:46 > 0:14:50implementing Otto von Bismarck's policy of isolating Britain, but...
0:14:54 > 0:14:56APPLAUSE
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Really, it all seems to be a campaign.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01So, any idea where this money might be?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03I haven't got it.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Truth is, nobody knows. Nobody knows.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11And who else has been revealed to have spent
0:15:11 > 0:15:15a stupid amount of money recently? In politics.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Cleggy.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21Oh, yeah. With his advisor that was paid by the taxpayer,
0:15:21 > 0:15:23- but was doing party political activities.- Yeah.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27- Paying £110,000 a year. - What, to make Clegg popular?
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- Yeah.- I must get his address!
0:15:30 > 0:15:33It is, it's 110 grand a year to polish a turd.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Which, actually, sounds about right.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39This is Nigel Farage's latest attempt
0:15:39 > 0:15:41to convince us that he's a proper politician -
0:15:41 > 0:15:43suit, neat hair, questionable expenses claims.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45That should do it.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Nigel Farage hit back at the accusers, saying:
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Which leaves one very important question
0:15:59 > 0:16:01for Nigel Farage to answer:
0:16:01 > 0:16:04how rubbish is your accountant?
0:16:04 > 0:16:05LAUGHTER
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Meanwhile, a new survey found that...
0:16:12 > 0:16:14That's an astonishing statistic,
0:16:14 > 0:16:18cos it means that 7% of people DO know who their MEP is.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Who are these weirdos?
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Looking into UKIP's finances, the Electoral Commission has said
0:16:25 > 0:16:28they'd like to see a bit more clarity.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30UKIP says they've got plenty of clarity,
0:16:30 > 0:16:32but could do with a drop more Pinot Noir-y.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Paul and Camilla, here's another for you.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Ah, yes, this is the hairdressing salon in Ealing
0:16:42 > 0:16:44which put up a picture of Kim Jong-un
0:16:44 > 0:16:47with his haircut, saying, "This is a bad hair day"
0:16:47 > 0:16:50and that's North Korea, seeing how close they are to Ealing.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55The North Korean embassy is only ten minutes away.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58And they noticed men in dark suits were taking notes outside.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01They went in and said, "Can you remove the image because it is disrespectful?"
0:17:01 > 0:17:04And the salon owner said, "No way! Get out!"
0:17:04 > 0:17:06And called the police.
0:17:06 > 0:17:11Apparently, their haircuts are state-sanctioned in North Korea,
0:17:11 > 0:17:14and there are 18 official haircuts for women
0:17:14 > 0:17:16and 10 official haircuts for men.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19I'm quite surprised there are that many haircuts for men, to be honest.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Globally, there are only about three.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24LAUGHTER
0:17:24 > 0:17:27HENNING: It will be quite easy going to a hairdresser in North Korea,
0:17:27 > 0:17:30because you have to have all that chit-chat
0:17:30 > 0:17:32and where they were on holidays and all that.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35None of that applies in North Korea.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39"Did you watch the Arsenal? No, me neither."
0:17:39 > 0:17:42When a reporter from the Times rang the embassy to ask
0:17:42 > 0:17:45if it had actually made a criminal complaint about the poster,
0:17:45 > 0:17:46what answer did it get?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48They said no? Did they deny it?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50It's interesting - the man who answered it replied...
0:17:53 > 0:17:56We've got photos of embassies for you to get an idea
0:17:56 > 0:17:58of what embassies look like.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00This is the Mauritian embassy.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01- Very grand.- Lovely.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03- Lithuanian embassy.- Yeah.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05And here is the North Korean embassy.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10- HENNING: Good German car, though. - That semi-detached
0:18:10 > 0:18:14is the South Korean embassy next door, by any chance?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16They don't talk to each other, across a high fence?
0:18:16 > 0:18:19North Korean state television ran a five-part series recently
0:18:19 > 0:18:21to promote neat haircuts.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22It was called...
0:18:28 > 0:18:29It's a weird country, isn't it?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Very little escapes you, does it?
0:18:37 > 0:18:42Yeah, this is the latest escalation in tension between North Korea
0:18:42 > 0:18:44and a barber's shop in Ealing.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47The North Korean officials complained to the police,
0:18:47 > 0:18:51but no action will be taken. Course not. This isn't North Korea.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54The Metropolitan Police don't just go around shooting people.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55Very often.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00The North Korean embassy is actually a semi-detached house.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02May not look much, but with off-street parking,
0:19:02 > 0:19:05it's actually worth more than the North Korean economy.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09APPLAUSE
0:19:09 > 0:19:12So, at the end of that round, it is four points each.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15APPLAUSE
0:19:22 > 0:19:26And so, to Round Two - the Picture Spin Quiz.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34BUZZER
0:19:34 > 0:19:36This is a story about a commuter,
0:19:36 > 0:19:38on a rail line actually very near me,
0:19:38 > 0:19:39who comes up from Stonegate
0:19:39 > 0:19:44and, uh...he came up with the wheeze of avoiding paying his ticket
0:19:44 > 0:19:45and when he got to London,
0:19:45 > 0:19:49he just put his Oyster card and tapped it and then left -
0:19:49 > 0:19:50so instead of paying...
0:19:50 > 0:19:53It was £45,000 over five years,
0:19:53 > 0:19:55he paid, sort of, four.
0:19:55 > 0:20:00And he was caught and there's been a big scandal, locally,
0:20:00 > 0:20:03with everyone trying to work out who it is.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07Cos he's got... He paid the money back so he could become anonymous,
0:20:07 > 0:20:09despite breaking the law.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11And it's in Stonegate, so it's known as Stonegate-gate.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15By being allowed to settle out of court,
0:20:15 > 0:20:17he did buy a level of anonymity
0:20:17 > 0:20:20normally reserved for winners of The Voice.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Are there no ticket inspectors on this line?
0:20:25 > 0:20:27You can...it's a very, very remote station,
0:20:27 > 0:20:29so you can slip in under the barrier -
0:20:29 > 0:20:30I understand.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Particularly high barrier, I mean,
0:20:36 > 0:20:38are there ticket inspectors on the train?
0:20:38 > 0:20:42- Are they on the train, that's what I'm saying, on the train?- Yeah.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44- Um...- But they're not on the train? Clearly.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- No, I...- Have you seen a ticket inspector on the train?- No.
0:20:47 > 0:20:48Are you this man?
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Look, it's not this bloke in the picture.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54That bloke in the picture's James Joyce!
0:20:55 > 0:20:58- You're absolutely right. - He's absolutely right.- Of course.
0:20:58 > 0:21:03Britain's biggest fare-dodger had to repay £43,000 for fares he's dodged.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05I think that person doesn't exist.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08I mean, they always say, "Punish one, warn a thousand."
0:21:08 > 0:21:12That is an imaginary person. Simply doesn't exist.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14- I don't believe the whole story. - Oh, really?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16You think it's just to encourage the rest of us to pay?
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Yeah, because otherwise,
0:21:18 > 0:21:20the tabloids would have long found out who that really is.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23You really overrate the tabloids!
0:21:23 > 0:21:24LAUGHTER
0:21:24 > 0:21:26What is an Oyster card?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28LAUGHTER
0:21:28 > 0:21:30You use them to get onto the chauffeur-driven vehicles,
0:21:30 > 0:21:33the big red chauffeur-driven vehicles...
0:21:33 > 0:21:35that you see going through London,
0:21:35 > 0:21:38you show the man your Oyster card and he salutes you, and...
0:21:38 > 0:21:39APPLAUSE
0:21:39 > 0:21:43Does it work for the smaller black ones?
0:21:43 > 0:21:45- Yes, it does.- Does it? - It does work. It's exactly the same.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47And we'd like to see you try it!
0:21:47 > 0:21:49LAUGHTER
0:21:49 > 0:21:52This is Britain's biggest fare dodger.
0:21:52 > 0:21:53To be fair to the hedge fund manager,
0:21:53 > 0:21:57he did use his Oyster card every day, but only to chop up
0:21:57 > 0:22:00lines of cocaine before blowing them up a prostitute's bottom.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Sorry, mate, you want to stay anonymous,
0:22:03 > 0:22:05we can libel you all we like.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Some angry passengers thought the fare dodger
0:22:09 > 0:22:11deserved a greater punishment,
0:22:11 > 0:22:15presumably by being forced to take a replacement bus service.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Others were more lenient, and thought he should be killed.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27BUZZER
0:22:27 > 0:22:29They've found the fare dodger.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32LAUGHTER
0:22:32 > 0:22:34I only pressed to say that, I've got no idea what the story is,
0:22:34 > 0:22:36it's an ostrich or an emu.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37- BUZZER - It isn't.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39- It isn't?- No.- It's a rhea.- It is.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41It's an escaped rhea.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44They haven't found it because it's very, very quick.
0:22:44 > 0:22:45But is it in this country?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48- In this country, where is it, Oxfordshire?- Hertfordshire.
0:22:48 > 0:22:53Hertfordshire, someone keeps rheas, one of them escaped...
0:22:53 > 0:22:55There is a six-foot rhea
0:22:55 > 0:22:56on the loose in the Home Counties,
0:22:56 > 0:22:57and it can kill a man.
0:22:59 > 0:23:04- Have you any ideas how a rhea can kill a man?- Yeah, sarcasm.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10- Possibly.- "Call that a suit?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16"Who cuts your hair? Get it cut in Ealing, do you?
0:23:16 > 0:23:19"What's that, a number four, number four, number four?"
0:23:20 > 0:23:23According to the Telegraph it has...
0:23:27 > 0:23:28Yes.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31The owner in question, Jo Clarke of Brent Pelham, Hertfordshire,
0:23:31 > 0:23:33she said...
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Now, now, I'm going to show you a picture, OK?
0:23:38 > 0:23:40And let's see if we can spot it.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44LAUGHTER
0:23:44 > 0:23:47It really is a master of disguise, isn't it?
0:23:47 > 0:23:51- Look at it.- There, it's disguised itself as a umbrella handle.
0:23:52 > 0:23:58I'll give a point to anyone who can accurately impersonate a rhea.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Now you've got to imagine that you've committed a crime
0:24:02 > 0:24:04and you're rather pleased with it.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Ian, you go first, what do you think, noise it makes?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08"Just saved myself 43 grand."
0:24:09 > 0:24:11No.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12Paul.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15HE CACKLES EVILLY
0:24:15 > 0:24:17- Henning. - HE MUMBLES CONTENTEDLY
0:24:17 > 0:24:19LAUGHTER
0:24:20 > 0:24:22- Camilla. - SHE SQUAWKS
0:24:23 > 0:24:26What's this bit, he's got arthritis? What's going on?
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Six-inch claws!
0:24:27 > 0:24:29"Where's the olive oil?"
0:24:31 > 0:24:33- Let us listen to see who is the closest.- Yeah.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36RHEA SQUAWKS
0:24:36 > 0:24:39- No, sorry... - It's not you, it's Paul, by a mile!
0:24:41 > 0:24:45- There's nothing, let's listen to it again.- OK.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47RHEA SQUAWKS
0:24:47 > 0:24:49I suppose the girl ones might sound like that,
0:24:49 > 0:24:51but I think Paul was pretty accurate.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Do you want to see footage of a rhea attacking a man?
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Yes, please, let's have a go. To the death!
0:24:57 > 0:24:59You want to see how dangerous they are, with their claws
0:24:59 > 0:25:03- and their spiky teeth. Here we go.- Go on, kill! Blood!
0:25:04 > 0:25:06HENNING LAUGHS
0:25:08 > 0:25:11It's easy to confuse - and it's got lost.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13LAUGHTER
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Which means, at the end of this round, Henning and Ian have 6,
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Camilla and Paul, you're on 4.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20APPLAUSE
0:25:20 > 0:25:24Time now for the Odd One Out Round.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Paul and Camilla, your four are...
0:25:27 > 0:25:30the fifth Olympic ring, Keith Moon,
0:25:30 > 0:25:32BBC Two and the Red Road flats.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35That Keith Moon picture on the tower block was originally
0:25:35 > 0:25:38what Angel of the North was going to look like.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41The fifth Olympic ring, it was part of a display
0:25:41 > 0:25:45and didn't light up, the tower blocks in Glasgow were going to
0:25:45 > 0:25:46blown up for the Commonwealth Games,
0:25:46 > 0:25:48but are now not going to be blown up.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50The opening night of BBC Two was cancelled,
0:25:50 > 0:25:53because it didn't work, transmitter broke down somewhere,
0:25:53 > 0:25:55so BBC Two night had to be the next night.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59So it's about things going wrong on the opening night, the ceremony.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02So the Russian thing went wrong, the BBC Two thing went wrong,
0:26:02 > 0:26:05the Tower Block thing didn't because that's not going to happen,
0:26:05 > 0:26:07don't know what the Keith Moon thing is,
0:26:07 > 0:26:09but I say the tower block thing is the odd one out.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11No. You were so right all the way through...
0:26:11 > 0:26:13I should have picked Keith Moon.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15- No, it's not Keith Moon either. - Is it the tower blocks?
0:26:15 > 0:26:18- No.- Oh, it's BBC Two!- We've finally got there, absolutely right...
0:26:18 > 0:26:21What do you mean, he's absolutely right, he said the last one!
0:26:21 > 0:26:24LAUGHTER
0:26:24 > 0:26:27It's a process of deduction, Holmes.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31They've all failed to appear as part of an opening ceremony apart from
0:26:31 > 0:26:35BBC Two, which failed to appear at its own launch due to a power cut.
0:26:35 > 0:26:36The fifth Olympic ring,
0:26:36 > 0:26:39five snowflakes were supposed to turn into rings,
0:26:39 > 0:26:43but due to a technical hitch, it ended up looking like this.
0:26:43 > 0:26:44And how did the organisers
0:26:44 > 0:26:47poke fun at themselves in the closing ceremony?
0:26:47 > 0:26:49They did something with the fifth ring as well, didn't they?
0:26:49 > 0:26:52No, they annexed Crimea.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Keith Moon's management was contacted by the organisers
0:27:00 > 0:27:03of the London Olympics to see if he was available
0:27:03 > 0:27:07to perform at the opening ceremony, despite the drummer being dead.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Does anyone know how The Who's manager responded?
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Well, if he's any clever, he took the booking,
0:27:13 > 0:27:15had 50% of the money paid up front...
0:27:16 > 0:27:19He's going to be furious, according to Roger Daltrey,
0:27:19 > 0:27:21the manager sent London 2012 an e-mail saying...
0:27:33 > 0:27:35APPLAUSE
0:27:36 > 0:27:40They've all failed to appear as part of an opening ceremony,
0:27:40 > 0:27:43apart from BBC TWO, which failed to appear at its own launch
0:27:43 > 0:27:46due to a power cut. Organisers of the London 2012 Olympics
0:27:46 > 0:27:51invited dead drummer Keith Moon to take part in the opening ceremony.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Keith Moon, of course, tragically died in 1978.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57He was replaced in the opening ceremony by Sir Paul McCartney,
0:27:57 > 0:27:59whose voice died in 1978.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Ian and Henning, here are yours.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06A motorist on the Autobahn travelling between Hamburg
0:28:06 > 0:28:08and the Danish border, a Ryanair pilot,
0:28:08 > 0:28:11tomato ketchup and traffic on the Isles of Scilly.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14They're all pointing in the same direction, that's what it is.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Three of them... HENNING: Oh, yeah.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20- So the truck is the odd one out. - You know your OCD...
0:28:20 > 0:28:23- Yes.- ..has got nothing to do with the answer of this question.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27What do the Germans have no limit on?
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Fun.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:32 > 0:28:35Is it motorway speed limit?
0:28:35 > 0:28:38- Woo, he's starting to edge now towards it.- Right, OK, so...
0:28:38 > 0:28:41- Come on.- Could the Ryanair planes go even slower?
0:28:41 > 0:28:44- Ketchup moves slower out of a bottle. - It just...- No?
0:28:44 > 0:28:47HENNING: The emptier the bottle is.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49- Not if she's shaking it.- Yeah.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51The motorway is the odd one out because it has no speed restriction,
0:28:51 > 0:28:53- all the others do.- There you go.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55I just sit back and listen to what everybody else says
0:28:55 > 0:28:57and say the answer.
0:28:57 > 0:29:01- I've worked out how to get points in this programme.- Exactly!
0:29:01 > 0:29:04- What's the speed restriction on tomato ketchup?- Taken 25 years!
0:29:04 > 0:29:06- At last!- Yes... - APPLAUSE
0:29:06 > 0:29:08They've all had their speed restricted,
0:29:08 > 0:29:10apart from a motorist on the Autobahn
0:29:10 > 0:29:13travelling between Hamburg and the Danish border, who doesn't.
0:29:13 > 0:29:17What speed restriction does apply to a bottle of tomato ketchup?
0:29:17 > 0:29:18LAUGHTER
0:29:18 > 0:29:19This is from Heinz.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22"If Heinz tomato ketchup moves too fast,
0:29:22 > 0:29:24"it is not allowed to leave the factory."
0:29:26 > 0:29:28"It cannot travel at more than..."
0:29:31 > 0:29:33That's obviously an average speed, though - as we all know,
0:29:33 > 0:29:37it travels at 0.000mph on the first ten shakes
0:29:37 > 0:29:41and then 1,000 billion mph into your crotch.
0:29:41 > 0:29:43What does ketchup taste like in Germany?
0:29:44 > 0:29:48I...guess quite similar to how it tastes in the UK.
0:29:48 > 0:29:51Apparently, no. Curry ketchup's more popular in Germany.
0:29:51 > 0:29:53Oh, but that's a different ketchup, isn't it?
0:29:53 > 0:29:54It's amazing, I mean, that is...
0:29:54 > 0:29:57Small wonder you all have such wonderful physiques.
0:29:57 > 0:29:59LAUGHTER
0:29:59 > 0:30:02Well, I can't take...or Germany can't take any credit for my physique.
0:30:02 > 0:30:04I've been here now for 12 years and
0:30:04 > 0:30:06you do have to assimilate, don't ya?
0:30:06 > 0:30:08LAUGHTER
0:30:08 > 0:30:09APPLAUSE
0:30:12 > 0:30:13Why did Henning come here?
0:30:13 > 0:30:16LAUGHTER
0:30:16 > 0:30:18Superior beer and sausages?
0:30:18 > 0:30:19He came to the UK in 2002
0:30:19 > 0:30:23to work in the marketing department of Wycombe Wanderers Football Club.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25Is that true?
0:30:25 > 0:30:27Yeah, and they've got a big six-pointer coming up
0:30:27 > 0:30:29against Northampton on Friday.
0:30:29 > 0:30:31LAUGHTER
0:30:31 > 0:30:34So I urge all viewers to go to Adams Park,
0:30:34 > 0:30:37especially if they live in the Buckinghamshire area
0:30:37 > 0:30:39and they haven't been for a long time.
0:30:39 > 0:30:40It's a really good day out.
0:30:40 > 0:30:42At the football.
0:30:42 > 0:30:44Come on, you Chairboys!
0:30:44 > 0:30:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:51 > 0:30:54The Isles of Scilly are set to get their first set of traffic lights,
0:30:54 > 0:30:58150 years after they were introduced in England to reduce traffic speed
0:30:58 > 0:31:00near the airport, where they're presumably building
0:31:00 > 0:31:02that controversial first runway.
0:31:03 > 0:31:07It is quite hard to travel at a decent speed on the Isles of Scilly.
0:31:07 > 0:31:10- Anyway, how come?- No cars? - CAMILLA: No space.
0:31:10 > 0:31:12HENNING: Very small, yeah.
0:31:12 > 0:31:14Yeah, exactly. According to the Daily Telegraph, there are:
0:31:17 > 0:31:19Scilly Council chairwoman...
0:31:19 > 0:31:20I can't believe I just said that!
0:31:22 > 0:31:24She is actually called that. I never thought of that.
0:31:24 > 0:31:26Scilly Council chairwoman
0:31:26 > 0:31:29Amanda Martin said, "The roads are so short,"
0:31:33 > 0:31:37Thank you, Councillor Martin. Challenge accepted.
0:31:37 > 0:31:39- Ryanair. Do you want to know about Ryanair?- Yeah.
0:31:39 > 0:31:41Ryanair were reportedly ordered to fly slower
0:31:41 > 0:31:43as a cost-cutting measure.
0:31:43 > 0:31:46How did Ryanair fare in Which? magazine's 2013 poll
0:31:46 > 0:31:50of customer service of Britain's 100 biggest brands?
0:31:50 > 0:31:52- Came bottom.- They did indeed.
0:31:52 > 0:31:56Michael O'Leary, who is the boss, said this about his customers:
0:32:04 > 0:32:07I like the sound of him. I really, genuinely do.
0:32:07 > 0:32:08I think he's amusing.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11How else are Ryanair planning on making more cash?
0:32:11 > 0:32:14Putting seats on the wings?
0:32:14 > 0:32:17No, according to the Daily Mail, Ryanair also plan to raise money by
0:32:17 > 0:32:20carrying adverts on the fuselage...
0:32:22 > 0:32:25So if your company makes anoraks or blow-up dolls...
0:32:26 > 0:32:27..give them a call.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32Yeah, they've all had their speed restricted,
0:32:32 > 0:32:36apart from a motorist driving down the Autobahn between Hamburg
0:32:36 > 0:32:37and the Danish border.
0:32:37 > 0:32:41The record speed on an Autobahn is 268mph.
0:32:41 > 0:32:44It was set by Chris Huhne on his holiday,
0:32:44 > 0:32:47although the Guinness Book of Records attributes it
0:32:47 > 0:32:49to his...ugh...
0:32:49 > 0:32:52- "ATTributes"...it's not that, is it? AtTRIibutes.- AtTRIbutes.- I know.
0:32:52 > 0:32:56The record speed on an autobahn is 268mph.
0:32:56 > 0:32:59It was set by Chris Huhne on his holiday, although
0:32:59 > 0:33:02the Guinness Book of Records attributes it to his ex-wife.
0:33:02 > 0:33:04- I said "ATTributes" again, didn't I?- Yeah.
0:33:04 > 0:33:06LAUGHTER
0:33:06 > 0:33:09- SAYS it was his ex-wife.- Yeah. - Just says "says."- Yeah.
0:33:09 > 0:33:12- I have to say Jeremy's English is very good.- Yeah!
0:33:15 > 0:33:16You can do it, honestly.
0:33:16 > 0:33:22- Come on. Believe! You can read off a screen, come on!- I can.
0:33:22 > 0:33:24The interesting thing, we don't use these on Top Gear.
0:33:24 > 0:33:27We have to rely on our memory. It's amazing how easier that is.
0:33:27 > 0:33:29- Much easier. - LAUGHTER
0:33:29 > 0:33:33The record speed on an Autobahn is 268mph.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36It was set by Chris Huhne on his holiday,
0:33:36 > 0:33:39although the Guinness Book of Records says it was his ex-wife.
0:33:41 > 0:33:46Heinz ketchup has a speed limit of 0.028mph.
0:33:46 > 0:33:49That means it would take ketchup a whole month
0:33:49 > 0:33:53to complete the London Marathon, finishing just ahead of Mo Farah.
0:33:53 > 0:33:55LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:33:55 > 0:33:58I apologise if you were hurt by that.
0:33:58 > 0:34:00If you're from the Daily Mail in the audience, I didn't mean it.
0:34:00 > 0:34:02I don't know what I'm talking about.
0:34:02 > 0:34:03Again.
0:34:03 > 0:34:06Well, it was worth the joke just to hear that!
0:34:09 > 0:34:11You're just following autocue.
0:34:11 > 0:34:12Exactly.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15Anyway, going back to this 0.028 mph.
0:34:15 > 0:34:18This speed is considerably slower than a Tesco lasagne,
0:34:18 > 0:34:23parts of which are quick enough to win the Grand National.
0:34:23 > 0:34:27So at the end of this round, it is Camilla and Paul with 6,
0:34:26 > 0:34:28Henning and Ian, you're on 7.
0:34:28 > 0:34:33APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:34:36 > 0:34:39Time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:34:39 > 0:34:42which, this week, features as its guest publication
0:34:42 > 0:34:44Leather International.
0:34:44 > 0:34:45We start with...
0:34:45 > 0:34:48"What falls..." No, fails!
0:34:48 > 0:34:50LAUGHTER
0:34:50 > 0:34:52Is it "Host of Have I Got News For You?"
0:34:53 > 0:34:55APPLAUSE
0:34:59 > 0:35:01It's crucifixion.
0:35:01 > 0:35:04It is indeed crucifixion.
0:35:04 > 0:35:05I saw this story.
0:35:05 > 0:35:08They were going to re-enact the crucifixion for Easter,
0:35:08 > 0:35:10which is coming up, but the Health and Safety said,
0:35:10 > 0:35:12"I'm terribly sorry, you can't do this.
0:35:12 > 0:35:13"Christ's got to wear a high-vis jacket."
0:35:13 > 0:35:15How realistic did they want to make it?
0:35:15 > 0:35:17Did they want to use nails?
0:35:19 > 0:35:20Next...
0:35:23 > 0:35:24HENNING: Runs brothel.
0:35:26 > 0:35:28He belongs in old people's home.
0:35:30 > 0:35:32Berlusconi tasered in old people's home.
0:35:32 > 0:35:34Told to work.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36Told to w...yeah, it's community service.
0:35:36 > 0:35:39Silvio Berlusconi has been sentenced to do a year's community service
0:35:39 > 0:35:43in an old person's home. The 77-year-old will learn to cope
0:35:43 > 0:35:48with a regime of bed baths, help with dressing and wiping up drool.
0:35:48 > 0:35:52And once he's been got ready, he'll do the same for the residents.
0:35:52 > 0:35:53Next:
0:35:56 > 0:36:00HENNING: DFS leather sofas are never full price?
0:36:02 > 0:36:07Scientists discover why, but can't find how, when or who.
0:36:09 > 0:36:10It is...
0:36:15 > 0:36:18This is an experiment that shows wine tastes different
0:36:18 > 0:36:19depending on the ambience.
0:36:19 > 0:36:22It's exactly the same reason why sex with a Greek waiter
0:36:22 > 0:36:25isn't quite as exciting after he's turned up
0:36:25 > 0:36:28on your doorstep in Wolverhampton.
0:36:28 > 0:36:29Next...
0:36:33 > 0:36:35You said that with real feeling, Jeremy!
0:36:38 > 0:36:39I was looking forward to it.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42Has your heart been broken in the Midlands?
0:36:43 > 0:36:47HENNING: Obnoxious smell linked to... DFS leather sofa.
0:36:49 > 0:36:52Oh, I know this. This is archbishops. Archbishops.
0:36:53 > 0:36:55- No?- It's cabbage.
0:36:55 > 0:36:57- It isn't.- Don't be ridiculous.
0:36:57 > 0:36:59- It's from the guest publication. - Leather.
0:36:59 > 0:37:00- Nearly.- Tanning works.
0:37:00 > 0:37:02Pretty much. Tanneries.
0:37:02 > 0:37:04- Tanneries, there we are.- Next...
0:37:06 > 0:37:07CAMILLA: Berlusconi.
0:37:09 > 0:37:11No, it's drying.
0:37:13 > 0:37:15- Drying.- What does that mean?
0:37:18 > 0:37:20Apparently, it's a new machine for drying leather.
0:37:20 > 0:37:24There's a picture of it there. Oh, thanks very much, that's great.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26James May'll be knocking one out to that.
0:37:30 > 0:37:33It's a working title for a series in progress.
0:37:33 > 0:37:36- Six parts.- Exactly.- This week.
0:37:37 > 0:37:38Next...
0:37:41 > 0:37:44CAMILLA: Russia.
0:37:44 > 0:37:47It's always flying insects, isn't it? Insects, moths, seals,
0:37:47 > 0:37:49Methodists. It sort of...
0:37:52 > 0:37:54- ALL: Onions?! - Onions!
0:37:57 > 0:37:59Anyway, next.
0:38:03 > 0:38:04Me.
0:38:04 > 0:38:05Lots of me is a good thing.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08HENNING: Leather. Lots of leather is a good thing.
0:38:10 > 0:38:12Not in the Tory Party this week.
0:38:12 > 0:38:13No, it's lovers.
0:38:13 > 0:38:15- Lots of lovers?- This is the quote:
0:38:25 > 0:38:28- CAMILLA: It's not David Cameron. - It's Cameron Diaz!
0:38:28 > 0:38:29It is Cameron Diaz.
0:38:29 > 0:38:31Of course!
0:38:32 > 0:38:35But for a moment...
0:38:36 > 0:38:41I had you thinking that our Prime Minister was a sexual pervert.
0:38:41 > 0:38:45For just a moment, his polls shot up!
0:38:45 > 0:38:49- Did he?- Above Farage, just for a minute.
0:38:49 > 0:38:50Next...
0:38:53 > 0:38:54Is it decking?
0:38:55 > 0:38:58No, no, that was the Ground Force thing. That was ages ago.
0:38:58 > 0:39:00- HENNING: Bird eating worms?- No.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05I'm going to have to tell you, you're taking too long.
0:39:05 > 0:39:07- Gardening digs. - Gardening digs?
0:39:07 > 0:39:09In the face of criticism from the likes of me, apparently.
0:39:09 > 0:39:11I don't remember criticising him, but there we are.
0:39:11 > 0:39:15- You had a go at...it was about old people, wasn't it?- No, I didn't.
0:39:15 > 0:39:19- Did you not?- I read the quote and thought, "I never said that."
0:39:19 > 0:39:23- At all?- No.- Not even when you weren't thinking?- No.
0:39:23 > 0:39:25- When would I ever do that? - What were you meant to have said?
0:39:25 > 0:39:26I don't even know what it was!
0:39:26 > 0:39:29I remember reading it and thinking, "I never said that."
0:39:29 > 0:39:31- But that happens all the time. - Here's your chance now.
0:39:31 > 0:39:33Why don't you just repeat it?
0:39:33 > 0:39:35What shall I say about Alan Titchmarsh?
0:39:35 > 0:39:39I can't think of... I don't even know who he is!
0:39:39 > 0:39:40- That's quite mean. - I do know who he is.
0:39:40 > 0:39:43He's from Leeds and he talks like that.
0:39:43 > 0:39:44- His face is on the Oyster card. - Is it?
0:39:47 > 0:39:48Next...
0:39:52 > 0:39:53Face of Adolf Hitler.
0:39:54 > 0:39:56I saw this. They come from China or something -
0:39:56 > 0:39:58there's a black and white photograph,
0:39:58 > 0:40:00you've probably got a picture of it.
0:40:00 > 0:40:01ALL: It's a stamp.
0:40:01 > 0:40:03HENNING: I've got loads of them at home.
0:40:06 > 0:40:115,000 mugs with Hitler's face on them were made by a firm in China.
0:40:11 > 0:40:13This featured in the Daily Mail, although I wasn't sure
0:40:13 > 0:40:16if it was a news story or a promotional offer.
0:40:19 > 0:40:20And finally...
0:40:23 > 0:40:25It's got to rhyme, "Chicken-feather leather."
0:40:25 > 0:40:27"Richard Wool. Hi, I'm Richard Wool,
0:40:27 > 0:40:29"I make chicken-feather leather."
0:40:31 > 0:40:33- It is actually leather.- Is it?!
0:40:33 > 0:40:35APPLAUSE
0:40:37 > 0:40:40So, the final scores are...
0:40:40 > 0:40:42Camilla and Paul, you have 10.
0:40:42 > 0:40:44Henning and Ian, you have 8.
0:40:44 > 0:40:46- Sorry. - APPLAUSE
0:40:49 > 0:40:51And I leave you with the news that,
0:40:51 > 0:40:56in Basingstoke, Maria Miller pops out for a relaxing Sunday walk.
0:40:59 > 0:41:02As Prince Charles opens Highgrove to the public,
0:41:02 > 0:41:05someone draws a penis in the guestbook.
0:41:10 > 0:41:13And, in Dundee, the SNP reassure voters
0:41:13 > 0:41:16that television in an independent Scotland
0:41:16 > 0:41:19will be just as entertaining without the BBC.
0:41:23 > 0:41:25Good night.
0:41:25 > 0:41:27APPLAUSE