0:00:01 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language
0:00:24 > 0:00:28APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42I'm Martin Clunes.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43In the news this week,
0:00:43 > 0:00:46as the BBC introduces a "bring your pet to work" day,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49one employee makes regular checks on Sammy the hamster.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52NO AUDIO ON CLIP
0:01:02 > 0:01:05The head of BBC Drama brings in a new voice coach
0:01:05 > 0:01:06for the cast of Jamaica Inn.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10WAILING
0:01:12 > 0:01:14HOWLING
0:01:16 > 0:01:19HOWLING
0:01:19 > 0:01:22And as Richard Branson prepares to start his Virgin Galactic service,
0:01:22 > 0:01:24rival engineers at Ryanair
0:01:24 > 0:01:26attempt to launch their first customer into space.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who's always got
0:01:35 > 0:01:38a pint in his hand and is known for his unhinged angry rants.
0:01:38 > 0:01:43In fact, if he didn't love Benidorm so much, he could be Nigel Farage.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Please welcome Johnny Vegas.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47APPLAUSE
0:01:51 > 0:01:55And with Paul tonight is a political correspondent who started out at the BBC
0:01:55 > 0:01:57with special responsibility for Breakfast.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01She was the one who had to put the shredded wheat on Andrew Neil's head.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Please welcome Jo Coburn.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06APPLAUSE
0:02:09 > 0:02:12And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Paul and Jo, take a look at this.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15- Blimey.- Speak up!
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Yes, your ear trumpet, man.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19Oh, yes, this is probably Cornwall.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22This is the BBC show, Jamaica Inn, which I didn't see,
0:02:22 > 0:02:25but a lot of people didn't hear, apparently.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28They had more complaints about this, the BBC,
0:02:28 > 0:02:32- than they've had about anything else for a very long time.- Yes.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36So whether it was 1,500 people's TV sets that weren't working
0:02:36 > 0:02:39- or it was technical problems. - Shall we have a little look?
0:02:40 > 0:02:44There's a bunch of petticoats here to see you.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Joss, we've gone to hell.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Salt and the twins have been busted. Legassik caught them.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54MUMBLING
0:02:54 > 0:02:56An ordinary man.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01INDISTINCT SINGING
0:03:04 > 0:03:06- Johnny.- There you go.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08APPLAUSE
0:03:10 > 0:03:13That's the only job I got via a casting.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15MUMBLES
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Do you mind working topless?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21MUMBLES
0:03:21 > 0:03:25To be fair, this was set in an era before sound recording was available.
0:03:25 > 0:03:30But they did mumble all the way through it.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32And the Beeb said at first it was a technical problem,
0:03:32 > 0:03:34then number two went out and I watched it
0:03:34 > 0:03:36and I couldn't hear any of it.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38They said they turned it up for the second episode.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40There's been some great letters in the paper.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Adrian Whitely had a pithy comment on the Jamaica Inn drama.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51And Martin Davies, who is actually from Cornwall,
0:03:51 > 0:03:53had a completely different gripe altogether.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14- Surely it's Dominus Regit Me? - Whatever.
0:04:14 > 0:04:19What else has Cornwall been in the news for lately?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21It's gone independent.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Yes, a spokesman for the Cornish National Liberation Army said...
0:04:24 > 0:04:26HE MUMBLES
0:04:26 > 0:04:31Let's not forget how the Sun referred to CNLA as the...
0:04:39 > 0:04:44This is the BBC drama Jamaica Inn which many viewers complained was inaudible.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48People of Cornwall have been officially recognised as a UK minority.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- According to The Telegraph, the decision... - HE STUMBLES ON WORD
0:04:51 > 0:04:53- PAUL IMITATES: Decisssion!... - Yes!
0:04:56 > 0:04:58According to the Telegraph, the decision means...
0:04:58 > 0:05:01HE STUMBLES AGAIN
0:05:01 > 0:05:04I'm going bad now!
0:05:04 > 0:05:07According to The Telegraph, the decision means...
0:05:11 > 0:05:15Which means they can now be shot with impunity by the Metropolitan police.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21The fact that the Cornish language is now on a par with wealth...
0:05:21 > 0:05:24PAUL: Wealth! You have become Shakespearean!
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Shut yer face! I'll have a drink of water.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32The fact that the Cornish lang...
0:05:32 > 0:05:36You make me feel really good about being me.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38That's why I'm doing it!
0:05:38 > 0:05:41The fact that the Cornish language is now on a par with Welsh,
0:05:41 > 0:05:45Irish and Scots was described as fantastic by Scornish nationals...!
0:05:46 > 0:05:49APPLAUSE
0:05:52 > 0:05:56That was a Freudian cock, slip.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59The fact that the Cornish language is now on a par with Welsh, Irish
0:05:59 > 0:06:03and Scots was described as fantastic by Cornish nationalist leader Dick Cole.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07That's a funny name in any language.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11Ian and Johnny, here's another for you.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15Oh, this is Farage, unveiling his new poster campaign.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18It's going to be gloomy. Floods.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22And there's the average UKIP voter.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27And news has arrived. The Second World War has broken out.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31There's some posters and they caused a lot of trouble.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34One of the election leaflets had a girl in it saying,
0:06:34 > 0:06:37"I'm an ordinary voter from Devon and I vote UKIP"
0:06:37 > 0:06:41and it turned out she worked for Farage as his assistant.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43And she was paid.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46- There's one with a pointy finger, isn't there?- We've got it here.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50JO: Yes, immigrants are taking jobs from British workers.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Taking bogies from the end of British fingers.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Is it the lottery?
0:06:56 > 0:06:59There's someone going to vote UKIP, it could be you.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05That did raise the question about Nigel Farage's German wife
0:07:05 > 0:07:10and whether or not a Brit could do her job of being his secretary.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14To be honest, it's not a job a lot of British people would want.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17We've got a clip with Nick Robinson, it's really good.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19You try to turn everything into a joke.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23You have a campaign that says that Europeans are taking British jobs.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27- Yes.- You employ a German woman to work in your office.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29She happens to be your wife.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33She happens to spend many hundreds of thousands of British taxpayers' money.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35How do you justify that?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37No, she doesn't, she earns a very modest salary,
0:07:37 > 0:07:39for working extremely unsociable hours for me.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42So why isn't she taking a British person's job?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Because nobody else could do that job.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47No British person could work for you as your secretary?
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Not unless I marry them.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51You don't think anybody is capable of doing that job?
0:07:51 > 0:07:54- What, marrying me? - No, doing the job as your secretary.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57I don't know anybody who would work those kind of hours.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00So that's it, it's clear, UKIP do not believe that any British person
0:08:00 > 0:08:03is capable of being the secretary of their leader.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05That's nonsense, and you know it.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14That sounds like me trying to excuse the use of prostitutes.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- Enlighten us.- Or don't.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24The threat to some English people's jobs
0:08:24 > 0:08:26encourage some British people to work even harder
0:08:26 > 0:08:30and get versions like this of the poster up on Twitter.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36JO: Which job would you rather do?
0:08:36 > 0:08:41- Be Nigel Farage's secretary of the new manager of Manchester United?- Me?
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Yeah.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45LAUGHTER
0:08:49 > 0:08:51No-brainer, as they say.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53"Dear Nigel..."
0:08:55 > 0:08:58How did the founder of the UKIP party, Dr Alan Sked,
0:08:58 > 0:09:01recently describe Nigel Farage?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03A drunken imbecile.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06He was into his real ale, he was more of a ladies' man.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08No, they described him as...
0:09:08 > 0:09:10LAUGHTER
0:09:10 > 0:09:14- Hang on, I did have a backup answer.- Let's have it.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17A prick!
0:09:17 > 0:09:19They described him as...
0:09:21 > 0:09:25Which is coincidentally the B-side of Young, Gifted And Black.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:30 > 0:09:35How well is Neil Hamilton doing as UKIP's campaign manager?
0:09:35 > 0:09:38- Well, he's not because he's been demoted.- Has he?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40They thought it was embarrassing Neil Hamilton,
0:09:40 > 0:09:44the disgraced former Tory MP who took the cash for questions
0:09:44 > 0:09:48- in the Commons from Al-Fayed... Remember?- Yes, I do.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50I hate to bring up all that stuff again.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Apparently they thought it was slightly embarrassing for a party
0:09:53 > 0:09:55that is about to apparently sweep the country
0:09:55 > 0:10:00that its treasurer should be so obviously a bit bent.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02In the past.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05And...
0:10:05 > 0:10:09So he's not the campaign manager any more?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11According to a spokesman...
0:10:17 > 0:10:20And also, they realised he was a bit of a tosser.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23In other European news what's just been launched in Portugal?
0:10:23 > 0:10:24A new grape!
0:10:26 > 0:10:29The Portuguese Navy unveiled its new state of the art surveillance drone
0:10:29 > 0:10:32at a naval base in Lisbon. Let's see how that went.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42This is UKIP's new poster campaign which is full of outrageous claims.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46It emerged that a woman posing as a voter in UKIP's manifesto
0:10:46 > 0:10:49was a certain Lizzy Vaid, who is, in fact, the...
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Basically, she arranges the lock-ins and books the strippers.
0:10:54 > 0:10:55LAUGHTER
0:10:55 > 0:11:01The UKIP founder gave an interview in which he described Mr Farage as...
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Adding, "You've got the job!"
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Neil Hamilton has been demoted as UKIP's campaign director.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Some UKIP members see him as...
0:11:15 > 0:11:17That's no way to talk about Christine.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Paul and Jo, take a look at this.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23- It's a bar.- It's a bar, definitely a bar. There's a tough guy.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Oh, yes. There's less fighting going on in Britain,
0:11:26 > 0:11:28although this clip would say otherwise,
0:11:28 > 0:11:30but of course that's the Wild West in 1943.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33There's a happy doctor. So yes, people are drinking less alcohol
0:11:33 > 0:11:36so there's less violence on a Saturday night is the story, I think.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40It is. People can't afford to get pissed I think, isn't it, these days.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43- Is that the technical term?- Yes.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Anybody here drinking less?
0:11:45 > 0:11:46Put that down.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49LAUGHTER
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Someone's put water in it!
0:11:51 > 0:11:54- It could be that alcohol is more expensive.- Hmm.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55That was one of the reasons.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58They said deliberately making the price of, say,
0:11:58 > 0:12:01a six pack of cider, I gather, erm...
0:12:01 > 0:12:03LAUGHTER
0:12:03 > 0:12:06..more expensive puts people off.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09And so the government was going to make minimum pricing,
0:12:09 > 0:12:10but they've changed their mind.
0:12:10 > 0:12:16A lot of the big drinks companies took them out for a pint
0:12:16 > 0:12:18and they changed their mind completely.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21But that could be it. There are a lot of possibles, aren't there?
0:12:21 > 0:12:25I thought we might have adopted a more European approach to alcohol.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28You know you go out and just savour it and just enjoy it?
0:12:28 > 0:12:32But the other night I genuinely saw a bloke arguing with his wife
0:12:32 > 0:12:36and he said, "That's why you can't keep a budgie in a round cage,
0:12:36 > 0:12:39"you silly bitch.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42"They need corners." And she said, "Well, what's wrong with parrots?"
0:12:42 > 0:12:43This is genuine.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47And he went, "Parrots can talk, budgies need solace."
0:12:49 > 0:12:52And then he punched a wall.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56- There was another theory about lead poisoning.- Yes.- I like that one.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00Apparently if you had or when you had lead in petrol it made people
0:13:00 > 0:13:03go in for the fisticuffs, like your example, more often.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Why are we still using pencils?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09They'd be hard to give up.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12I've got a pen.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15The hard stuff.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18A study at the University of Cardiff found that...
0:13:23 > 0:13:25To two.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Now, have you heard of this American technological
0:13:29 > 0:13:32breakthrough that might help to bring the price of alcohol down
0:13:32 > 0:13:34and get everyone back punching each other properly?
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Powdered alcohol. Or to give it its correct name...
0:13:39 > 0:13:42I shit you not.
0:13:42 > 0:13:43Just mix with beer.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47According to the manufacturer's website...
0:14:06 > 0:14:10And what do you think the people from the Civitas think tank
0:14:10 > 0:14:14think in their think tank?
0:14:14 > 0:14:16We need a bigger tank.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Why are we working in a tank? We're bright.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21- More booze.- Yeah.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Spokesman David Green told the Times...
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Twat.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42And our leader David Cameron, he'd probably agree with that,
0:14:42 > 0:14:44do you think? What do you think? Why? Would he?
0:14:44 > 0:14:48- He says we're a Christian country. - Yes.- And that shocked people.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51No, cynics would say there's an election round the corner.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Let's break the Alastair Campbell diktat and do God.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Get those churchgoers who might convert to UKIP
0:14:57 > 0:14:59back in the Tory fold.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01It's quite mean to suggest they're going to convert to UKIP.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04I mean, they're not ENTIRELY gullible.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10We are a Christian country, aren't we?
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Yeah, more or less, culturally, historically.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Look at all the people that couldn't give a shit about God
0:15:15 > 0:15:16- sitting their with the kids.- Yeah.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Every Sunday trying to get them into a decent school.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Who wrote this about David Cameron's theolog...
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Sod it, I'll start this again.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Who wrote this about David Cameron's theologism? Theologis...
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Theologis...
0:15:34 > 0:15:35Beliefs.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Yeah.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41Who wrote this about David Cameron's ideas?
0:15:41 > 0:15:43LAUGHTER
0:15:43 > 0:15:44And I quote...
0:15:53 > 0:15:55And the problem is?
0:15:55 > 0:15:59- That's Alastair Campbell. - Yeah, it is.- Is it?
0:15:59 > 0:16:00Don't do God.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Just giving Satan's view for balance!
0:16:05 > 0:16:09Going back to alcohol-related violence, um...
0:16:09 > 0:16:10More fun.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Would you like to see a very drunk man behaving quite harmlessly?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15- Yes.- Yes.- Here he is.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20He's trying to get to the other side of the fence.
0:16:22 > 0:16:23He can't get through it.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28He can't get over it.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34And a little boy comes back from the shops...
0:16:36 > 0:16:39LAUGHTER
0:16:44 > 0:16:47APPLAUSE
0:16:48 > 0:16:52This is the drop in violent crime which has been attributed to
0:16:52 > 0:16:53a fall in binge drinking.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Also in the news this week, a new powdered alcohol called Palcohol.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58According to the Times...
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Sadly too late for David Moyes.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05AUDIENCE GROANS
0:17:08 > 0:17:09Also in the news this week,
0:17:09 > 0:17:12David Cameron has declared Britain is a Christian country
0:17:12 > 0:17:14and reasserted his faith at an Easter reception
0:17:14 > 0:17:15for Christian leaders,
0:17:15 > 0:17:18leaving many in the congregation shaking their heads and asking,
0:17:18 > 0:17:21"What's this got to do with bunnies and chocolate?"
0:17:21 > 0:17:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Ian and Johnny, here's another for you.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Ed Miliband.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Is he looking into a mirror?
0:17:32 > 0:17:36And that's his new spin doctor, David Axelrod.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38He's an American they brought over.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41He's an election guru, and he's being paid, apparently,
0:17:41 > 0:17:45a six-figure sum, because there's no English or British people
0:17:45 > 0:17:46who could get Miliband elected.
0:17:46 > 0:17:51It's a highly specialist skill. Apparently he's brilliant.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54I mean, first black president ever - Obama.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56First...
0:17:56 > 0:18:00Ed Milibandy kind of guy to get in.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04Er...he's going to get elected. So it's very exciting, isn't it?
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Well, they're not alone, though, are they?
0:18:06 > 0:18:08It's the battle of the election gurus.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12The Tories have already got the Australian guy, Lynton Crosby,
0:18:12 > 0:18:15- and the Liberal Democrats have got one as well.- Have they?
0:18:15 > 0:18:17- Yeah.- Lord Haw-Haw?
0:18:17 > 0:18:18No!
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Everyone said it's going to be really unpleasant,
0:18:21 > 0:18:24because apparently this man's skill is negative campaigning,
0:18:24 > 0:18:28so instead of saying, "My guy is great," you know, which with Ed...
0:18:28 > 0:18:31you know, might be difficult...
0:18:31 > 0:18:37He's going to say, "Your guys are posh and rich and... Eurgh."
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Because he wanted an end to Punch and Judy politics, didn't he?
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Ed Miliband.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46You would, if you looked like him and clapped like that...
0:18:46 > 0:18:50"You've lost the election, but you've won a big string of sausages."
0:18:56 > 0:18:57There's a picture here
0:18:57 > 0:19:00of the moment when Mr Axelrod told Barack Obama
0:19:00 > 0:19:03that he was going to make Ed Miliband Prime Minister.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09According to the Daily Mail, Mr Axelrod said...
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Little bit of help from Mr Axelrod,
0:19:18 > 0:19:22Miliband should be able to do that on May the 6th next year.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25According to David Axelrod's campaign staff,
0:19:25 > 0:19:27he's a messy eater. Staff say that in the past...
0:19:32 > 0:19:35And he also addressed a large meeting...
0:19:41 > 0:19:46The thing is, all of the election gurus have got a big job on their hands, haven't they?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Challenging.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51I love the fact they've all come in to offer
0:19:51 > 0:19:55advice on tapping into the common touch.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Surely that comes from actually giving a shit.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02The fact that you've got to have someone advise you on how to
0:20:02 > 0:20:07care about people is a disturbing enough...
0:20:07 > 0:20:09..prospect in the first place.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12This is based on the idea that politics is about electing
0:20:12 > 0:20:15someone who would be great to go down the pub with, an ordinary guy who
0:20:15 > 0:20:21would be good and have a beer and you know who is going to vote that way.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25You're right. I'm standing!
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Do we want someone who knows what they're doing?
0:20:27 > 0:20:32Who would you have as UKIP's election guru to give them advice?
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Paul Daniels!
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Meanwhile, in Scottish independence news,
0:20:39 > 0:20:41- who has been drafted in to help the...- Gordon Brown.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43..struggling Better Together campaign?
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- Gordon Brown.- Yes.- He's going to come in and enthuse everybody.
0:20:46 > 0:20:47THEY SCOFF
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Papers say he's still popular up in Scotland,
0:20:49 > 0:20:52with certain sections of the population.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53- Mm.- The midges.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57APPLAUSE
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Any other Scotsmen had a bad week this week?
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Well, David Moyes hasn't has a good week!
0:21:04 > 0:21:06That's the answer to the question!
0:21:06 > 0:21:08- Oh, well done.- Have a point.- Yay!
0:21:08 > 0:21:12- So, what's he done wrong?- He hasn't won.- And is that his fault?
0:21:12 > 0:21:17- What about the players?- No, it's... The players haven't played as well.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20It often happens when a big manager goes,
0:21:20 > 0:21:23whoever comes in next doesn't succeed.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26The next person will have an easier job of following David Moyes.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Perhaps I could do that.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33Why don't you turn up and have a talk and see if anyone throws you out?
0:21:33 > 0:21:37You, Rooney. Play better!
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- Motivation speaking.- You get lots of money, just kick it!
0:21:42 > 0:21:46Somebody's going to step in as a sort of caretaker. Do you know...?
0:21:46 > 0:21:47- Ryan Giggs.- Yes.- Even I know that.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50- Yes.- Yes.- Are you allowed to say his name in public?
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Oh...
0:21:52 > 0:21:53I don't know...
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Super injunction.
0:21:56 > 0:21:57Rather you than me.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59I mean...
0:21:59 > 0:22:00Andy Gibbons tweeted...
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Who's not interested in that job, do you know?
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- Oh, is it Sir Bruce?- Madrid.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18- It's Jurgen Klopp. - Oh.- He's ruled himself out,
0:22:18 > 0:22:21but he's asked if his brother Klippety could be considered.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28That went better than I thought.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Who might be stepping in to buy Manchester United? Ian.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38It's for sale, is it? Tell us.
0:22:38 > 0:22:43David Beckham and a consortium of ex-footballers have stepped up
0:22:43 > 0:22:45so maybe they will buy it.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49There is a tradition of ex-footballers rescuing businesses.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Danny Mills used to play for Leeds United.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56He's rescued the West Cornwall Pasty Company.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00And a spokesman for the West Cornwall Pasty Company said...
0:23:00 > 0:23:01HE MUTTERS
0:23:05 > 0:23:09This is Ed Miliband's hiring of legendary American campaign guru
0:23:09 > 0:23:10David Axelrod.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Let's hope his rather disappointing brother
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Ed Axelrod doesn't turn up instead.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20Gordon Brown's given a speech this week warning of a pension time bomb
0:23:20 > 0:23:21if Scotland goes independent.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23According to the Guardian...
0:23:26 > 0:23:29And the other two thirds will just look it.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Another 10% goes.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Ryan Giggs reckons he has what it takes to be the next manager.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Talking about the younger players in the reserve team, he says...
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Well, you would, if you've jumped their mothers, wouldn't you?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54At the end of that round it's four points each.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04I need some help from the nurse.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08I am so relieved, I thought I'd imagined that.
0:24:12 > 0:24:17- Where did you get that from? - OK?- Yes. Nice man.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19APPLAUSE
0:24:19 > 0:24:22And so to Round Two, the Gramophone of News.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Here are some stories this week with a historical bent.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29I'm going to give you a clue using the Gramophone of News.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32ALL: Ooh!
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Twat. Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37- Here's the first one.- Yeah.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40MUSIC: "One Morning in May" by Stanley Black
0:24:40 > 0:24:41COCKEREL CROWS
0:24:42 > 0:24:44BUZZER
0:24:44 > 0:24:47- Who's that?- That was me. - Oh, well done.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Suntan bed's ready. Erm...
0:24:53 > 0:24:54That's Pathe News.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58Pathe News - they made these newsreels for about 40, 50 years,
0:24:58 > 0:25:00they've released the whole lot online, I think.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04So everything that Pathe News ever did is now available to see.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08Absolutely right. 85,000 newsreels onto YouTube.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- God, that's going to take me ages. - I was going to say, "..to download!"
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Let's have a look at some of them.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15What's Fanny Cradock going to do with this egg?
0:25:15 > 0:25:17- She's going to slice it very thinly. - She is.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19You watch and learn.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21- A swan?- A swan egg.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24It's a beautiful eggy swan.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Oh, yes.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29- JO: Canapes have changed, haven't they?- Yeah.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31The Great British Drake Off.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33SCATTERED LAUGHTER
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Thank you very much.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37- MARTIN: A drake's a duck. - IAN: Yeah, I know.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39What do you think he's getting ready to do?
0:25:39 > 0:25:43JOHNNY: Is he going to conserve water by swallowing the toothpaste
0:25:43 > 0:25:44and not spitting it out?
0:25:44 > 0:25:45It's a war effort thing.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48"Watch out, Hitler!
0:25:48 > 0:25:50"We're swallowing our toothpaste this side of the Channel."
0:25:52 > 0:25:54"Take that, Hermann Goerin'."
0:25:55 > 0:25:59Well, let's see what he did next.
0:25:59 > 0:26:00AUDIENCE GASPS
0:26:00 > 0:26:03- JO: You're right, we'd never have guessed.- You wouldn't would you?
0:26:03 > 0:26:06You had to make your own entertainment in them days.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08What do you think is about to happen to these dogs?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10AUDIENCE: Ahh.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13- The terrible things they're all thinking!- Yes...
0:26:13 > 0:26:15JO: Hot-air balloon?
0:26:15 > 0:26:18JOHNNY: Does one of them get fed after midnight? And...
0:26:20 > 0:26:23..lots of evil dogs are produced, and they trash their neighbourhood?
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Let's have a look.
0:26:28 > 0:26:29Blimey.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31- How dignified(!)- Yes.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37The Pathe archive also includes footage
0:26:37 > 0:26:39of Arnold Schwarzenegger's first performance.
0:26:39 > 0:26:40Here he is playing Hamlet.
0:26:43 > 0:26:44- PAUL AS SCHWARZENEGGER: - "To be or not to be."
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Here we go, back to the Gramophone of News, everyone.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49- Gramophone of News! - Fingers on your buzzers.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52"Hail Macbeth, King of Scotland!"
0:26:52 > 0:26:53BUZZER
0:26:53 > 0:26:55- That's a bit of Macbeth.- Mm. - Is it?
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- He said it!- Yeah, "Hail Macbeth, King of Scotland."
0:26:58 > 0:27:02- This is Shakespeare's birthday.- Yes. - Oh, I didn't get him anything.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04What did you get him last year?
0:27:04 > 0:27:08- Last year, the same as the year before that.- Which was?- A shroud!
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Do you know what birthday it is?
0:27:11 > 0:27:12450, is it?
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Well done, yeah. Here's the Sun's celebration.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Helpfully summarised all 37 of his plays.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18Here's Twelfth Night:
0:27:30 > 0:27:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Here's Much Ado About Nothing:
0:27:39 > 0:27:42There's an abridged version, what's this one?
0:27:45 > 0:27:50- One of the history plays, presumably? - Yes, smart arse! Which one?
0:27:50 > 0:27:52- Richard II.- Yes! Isn't he good?
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Henry IV Part II.
0:28:01 > 0:28:05Johnny, you played Bottom, didn't you? Who was Snug to your Bottom?
0:28:05 > 0:28:08- Was it the monkey? - Don't bring this up again!
0:28:08 > 0:28:10We did this last time.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14- I like him.- Well, he's doing his own ads now. I've been edged out.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17It's not even the fact that I'm not cutting-edge any more -
0:28:17 > 0:28:19I'm bitter.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22On top of that. You know what?
0:28:22 > 0:28:23Love coffee.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31On the subject of English literature,
0:28:31 > 0:28:35I don't suppose you saw this letter from a pupil to his English teacher.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04And this is what the student got back from the teacher.
0:29:06 > 0:29:10With corrections. "Formal writing should not include profanity."
0:29:12 > 0:29:14"Don't start a sentence with a conjunction."
0:29:15 > 0:29:18And finally, "Please use your education appropriately.
0:29:18 > 0:29:22"Proofreading takes five minutes and keeps you from looking stupid."
0:29:28 > 0:29:30This is Shakespeare's 450th birthday.
0:29:30 > 0:29:34Shakespeare is credited with enriching the English language with hundreds of phrases,
0:29:34 > 0:29:38the most commonly used being, "Please, tell me there's an interval!"
0:29:39 > 0:29:42Which means at the end of this round, it's
0:29:42 > 0:29:44five points to both teams.
0:29:48 > 0:29:51APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:29:51 > 0:29:55It's time now for the Odd One Out round. Your four are:
0:29:55 > 0:29:57The Tramp, David Miliband,
0:29:57 > 0:29:59Jack Straw, and Fusarium wilt.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03- Er...- Has David Miliband got a question mark on his head?
0:30:03 > 0:30:06His mum put it there, cos she couldn't work out which was which.
0:30:06 > 0:30:08It looks like he's been kicked by a tiny horse.
0:30:08 > 0:30:12- Yeah. Woke up feeling a little- hoarse.- Wahey!
0:30:12 > 0:30:14- Do you want a clue?- Yes, please. - There's yellow.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16Is it Nick Clegg?
0:30:17 > 0:30:20I can't think what yellow has to do with Chaplin's Tramp.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23- The make-up or something he was wearing?- A little more...
0:30:23 > 0:30:26- It's bent and it's yellow. - Bent and yellow?- Bananas.- Ah!
0:30:26 > 0:30:29- Ah.- Ah! David Miliband, of course,
0:30:29 > 0:30:31didn't he trip on a banana, or...?
0:30:31 > 0:30:33- He appeared with a banana. - He appeared with a banana.
0:30:33 > 0:30:35- That's right. - And looked a bit silly.- Yes.
0:30:35 > 0:30:38They've all had an embarrassment with bananas
0:30:38 > 0:30:40apart from the disease, which gets into bananas.
0:30:40 > 0:30:41Yes!
0:30:45 > 0:30:47- Yes.- That's impossible!
0:30:47 > 0:30:51Er, this week Jack Straw was photographed
0:30:51 > 0:30:53eating a banana on the M6.
0:30:55 > 0:30:57Here's the damning evidence.
0:30:59 > 0:31:02According to The Sun he was spotted by prospective council
0:31:02 > 0:31:05candidate Conservative Gus Rankin who claimed...
0:31:09 > 0:31:11Although prospective council candidates
0:31:11 > 0:31:14probably shouldn't be using their camera phones on the motorway
0:31:14 > 0:31:17either and I'm not suggesting anything.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19Jack Straw was obviously full of regret.
0:31:19 > 0:31:20He told journalists:
0:31:24 > 0:31:27And David Miliband famously faced ridicule
0:31:27 > 0:31:30at the 2008 Labour Party conference
0:31:30 > 0:31:32after being photographed with a 'nana.
0:31:33 > 0:31:35Sorry, that's the wrong 'nana.
0:31:36 > 0:31:39They've all got into trouble with a banana,
0:31:39 > 0:31:42apart from Fusarium wilt, which is causing trouble FOR bananas.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44According to Gert Kema,
0:31:44 > 0:31:46who's the director of a banana research programme
0:31:46 > 0:31:49at Wageningen University in the Netherlands,
0:31:49 > 0:31:52it's critical that the banana disease is contained, as:
0:31:55 > 0:31:57Apple?
0:31:57 > 0:31:59According to The Telegraph,
0:31:59 > 0:32:05since 2010, David Miliband's income from public speaking stands at...
0:32:06 > 0:32:08Or, as Tony Blair put it, "Peanuts".
0:32:10 > 0:32:13Charlie Chaplin was born in England and went to the States where
0:32:13 > 0:32:15he was hugely successful and was loved by millions.
0:32:15 > 0:32:17Take note, Piers Morgan.
0:32:20 > 0:32:21Ian and Johnny, here are yours.
0:32:21 > 0:32:23Tour de France volunteers,
0:32:23 > 0:32:26Game of Thrones characters from the north of Westeros,
0:32:26 > 0:32:28Wallace and Eric Pickles.
0:32:28 > 0:32:31That was a crap film. Wallace And Eric Pickles!
0:32:33 > 0:32:36Someone eats all the cheese in the first five minutes.
0:32:37 > 0:32:40They're all wearing trousers.
0:32:42 > 0:32:47I know I'm not the strongest partner to have in a quiz but...
0:32:47 > 0:32:49Can we have a clue?
0:32:49 > 0:32:52It's to do with sounding funny.
0:32:52 > 0:32:55The top right man, he's the only one doing a karaoke night.
0:32:57 > 0:32:59He's about to sing River Deep, Mountain High.
0:32:59 > 0:33:04One of them, the odd one, isn't allowed to sound funny.
0:33:04 > 0:33:08- Oh, he never says anything. - He does. Talks all the time.
0:33:08 > 0:33:10What do you do at Christmas?
0:33:12 > 0:33:15- Drink.- A six-pack of cider.
0:33:16 > 0:33:19That's breakfast, Martin!
0:33:20 > 0:33:23Yeah, somebody is suppressing the northern accent.
0:33:23 > 0:33:26The ones at the Tour de France are not allowed to
0:33:26 > 0:33:31speak in a northern accent, the rest exaggerate it.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33Yes!
0:33:33 > 0:33:37APPLAUSE
0:33:39 > 0:33:42Staff recruited to welcome tourists to Yorkshire during this summer's
0:33:42 > 0:33:45Tour de France have been banned from using traditional northern
0:33:45 > 0:33:48greetings in case it causes offence.
0:33:48 > 0:33:53There is an online training manual that advises against calling visitors...
0:33:55 > 0:33:59For example, it's unacceptable to say, "Don't inject that here, mate."
0:34:01 > 0:34:05The agency behind the manual, Welcome To Yorkshire, have said...
0:34:09 > 0:34:13..by giving the impression they are in any way welcome to Yorkshire.
0:34:14 > 0:34:19I went on a date once, genuinely, a blind date in Leeds,
0:34:19 > 0:34:22and two lads came over and joined us.
0:34:22 > 0:34:27Just pulled out chairs and sat down and after a really awkward 10 or
0:34:27 > 0:34:3315 seconds the lads turned to me and went, "Are you still here, flower?"
0:34:34 > 0:34:37They all speak with a Yorkshire accent apart from Tour de France
0:34:37 > 0:34:40volunteers who have been asked to tone their accents down
0:34:40 > 0:34:41so people can understand them.
0:34:41 > 0:34:44Yorkshire accents feature prominently in the show Game Of Thrones.
0:34:44 > 0:34:46According to The Guardian it is...
0:34:48 > 0:34:51The main conversation being, "Have you seen Game Of Thrones?"
0:34:51 > 0:34:54"No, I don't get Sky Atlantic!"
0:34:55 > 0:34:57Eric Pickles is a proud Yorkshireman.
0:34:57 > 0:34:59He was born in Yorkshire,
0:34:59 > 0:35:02became a local councillor in Yorkshire and it is a testament
0:35:02 > 0:35:05to how popular he is in Yorkshire that he is now an MP in Essex.
0:35:07 > 0:35:10In the Wallace and Gromit film, Wallace is a cheery lovable
0:35:10 > 0:35:13Yorkshireman and is based on... Um, nobody!
0:35:14 > 0:35:17According to The Guardian, the first Wallace and Gromit adventure,
0:35:17 > 0:35:20when they go to the moon, was supposed to be like...
0:35:22 > 0:35:25Presumably the working title was Return Of The Chedi!
0:35:25 > 0:35:27Yes.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30APPLAUSE
0:35:30 > 0:35:34Which means that at the end of this round,
0:35:34 > 0:35:38Johnny and Ian have eight and Jo and Paul have only got five.
0:35:38 > 0:35:42APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:35:44 > 0:35:47So it's time now for the Missing Words round,
0:35:47 > 0:35:49which this week features as its guest publication
0:35:49 > 0:35:53Total Grooming Magazine, which is all about dog grooming.
0:35:53 > 0:35:55How to pick up dogs on the internet.
0:35:55 > 0:35:57And we start with:
0:35:59 > 0:36:02Ann Widdecombe as his midnight bride?
0:36:03 > 0:36:06Take the stairs.
0:36:06 > 0:36:10After complaining about the dreadful pop music in the BBC lifts,
0:36:10 > 0:36:14Jeremy Paxman was sent a letter from a radio boss, Ben Cooper.
0:36:21 > 0:36:23Oooh!
0:36:24 > 0:36:26Next...
0:36:29 > 0:36:31PAUL: Do that!
0:36:33 > 0:36:37IAN: Look like Kim Jong-un with that haircut.
0:36:37 > 0:36:42Your dog definitely doesn't want to look like it's been dragged through a cat backwards.
0:36:44 > 0:36:47- Smell like a pineapple. - No, they don't like that.
0:36:48 > 0:36:52- They do not like that.- I don't feel bad about not getting that one.
0:36:53 > 0:36:57Next...
0:36:57 > 0:37:00JO: Postman delivers dog to...
0:37:00 > 0:37:02Grooming parlour.
0:37:02 > 0:37:06Yes, which was shut so he pushed it through the letter box.
0:37:06 > 0:37:09Is it all the mail to wrong place?
0:37:09 > 0:37:11All of the street's mail to the first house.
0:37:13 > 0:37:16A spokesman for Royal Mail contractors TNT said...
0:37:20 > 0:37:23And to put that into perspective, it's only because 28,000
0:37:23 > 0:37:27complaint letters have been delivered to the building next door.
0:37:27 > 0:37:29Next...
0:37:32 > 0:37:34I wanna enter my dog
0:37:34 > 0:37:36at all the local dog shows in the area.
0:37:36 > 0:37:38That's the rest of it, but you haven't got that bit.
0:37:38 > 0:37:41You'll get 30 years.
0:37:41 > 0:37:44Is that in dog years?!
0:37:44 > 0:37:49I want to groom my dog. I want to lighten my dog's load.
0:37:54 > 0:37:56No, I don't want to do that at all.
0:37:57 > 0:38:01- Look like.- Look like? - JO: Oh, look like!
0:38:01 > 0:38:02Next...
0:38:04 > 0:38:06JOHNNY: Ride penny-farthings.
0:38:07 > 0:38:09Eat on an empty stomach.
0:38:12 > 0:38:14Urinate standing up.
0:38:16 > 0:38:18Tweet or own a cat.
0:38:18 > 0:38:22Yes, Country Life Magazine's updated Guide to Gentlemanly Manners.
0:38:22 > 0:38:25According to them, a true gentleman does not...
0:38:28 > 0:38:30That's my weekend up the Swanee!
0:38:32 > 0:38:33Next...
0:38:35 > 0:38:38IAN: ..is for life!
0:38:40 > 0:38:44- Difficult to wax?- Oh, so close.
0:38:44 > 0:38:46I've got to give you that.
0:38:46 > 0:38:49A tricky place to clip.
0:38:49 > 0:38:51This is from Total Grooming magazine.
0:38:51 > 0:38:53For advice on clipping your dog's armpits.
0:38:53 > 0:38:55There's also advice on how to clip his groin.
0:38:55 > 0:38:58Technically known as the dog's bollocks.
0:39:01 > 0:39:04Traffic detour sign makes fish turn into harbour.
0:39:07 > 0:39:10JOHNNY: Fishing makes fish turn into supper.
0:39:12 > 0:39:16The answer is Prozac makes fish turn into frenzied killers.
0:39:16 > 0:39:19- Killers!- Next. What seen from space?
0:39:19 > 0:39:20The moon!
0:39:21 > 0:39:23Eric Pickles.
0:39:23 > 0:39:26- JO: Dog in a rocket. - What is it?
0:39:26 > 0:39:27Nessie.
0:39:27 > 0:39:31Really? They can't even spot her on the ground, but...
0:39:31 > 0:39:33go 5,000 miles up there and it's clear as day.
0:39:33 > 0:39:36This is a satellite image which supposedly shows
0:39:36 > 0:39:38the Loch Ness Monster. According to The Mirror,
0:39:38 > 0:39:40the picture has been probed by:
0:39:42 > 0:39:46Good thing - you wouldn't want a bunch of nutjobs looking into it.
0:39:49 > 0:39:50Finally:
0:39:54 > 0:39:57JOHNNY: Torment with panache!
0:39:59 > 0:40:02Er, to make his favourite cheese.
0:40:02 > 0:40:05This is the shock revelation that Kim Jong-un eats a lot of cheese.
0:40:05 > 0:40:07Who knew?
0:40:08 > 0:40:11Is the name of the person who gets it for him.
0:40:11 > 0:40:12LAUGHTER
0:40:12 > 0:40:14APPLAUSE
0:40:16 > 0:40:19So the final scores are,
0:40:19 > 0:40:21Johnny and Ian have 9,
0:40:21 > 0:40:22Jo and Paul have 6!
0:40:28 > 0:40:31On which note we say thank you to our panellists,
0:40:31 > 0:40:34Ian Hislop and Johnny Vegas, Paul Merton and Jo Coburn,
0:40:34 > 0:40:36and I leave you with news that in Kent,
0:40:36 > 0:40:38Nigel Farage gets himself into the right state of mind
0:40:38 > 0:40:40to compose the UKIP manifesto.
0:40:43 > 0:40:46There are calls for Tony Blair to be made a saint,
0:40:46 > 0:40:47as his face appears on a pizza.
0:40:53 > 0:40:56And after admitting in court that his affair with Rebekah Brooks
0:40:56 > 0:40:59was wrong, a contrite Andy Coulson leaves the Old Bailey with his wife.
0:41:02 > 0:41:04APPLAUSE
0:41:06 > 0:41:08Good night!
0:41:44 > 0:41:46This is a true story, quite embarrassing.
0:41:46 > 0:41:50I was at home the other day in our bedroom, lying on the bed,
0:41:50 > 0:41:54trying to pull my boxers off, when my wife came in and said,
0:41:54 > 0:41:56you know, you spoil those dogs!
0:41:56 > 0:41:59LAUGHTER