0:00:02 > 0:00:03- Evening, everybody. - ALL: Evening.
0:00:03 > 0:00:05Gosh, you're very close, aren't you?
0:00:05 > 0:00:07LAUGHTER
0:00:09 > 0:00:10Word to security.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20That's all my beard material out!
0:00:48 > 0:00:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Jack Dee.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07In the news this week, as the Jamaica Inn sound quality row
0:01:07 > 0:01:10continues, the BBC asks the recording engineer responsible
0:01:10 > 0:01:12to explain what might have happened.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY
0:01:17 > 0:01:19HE LAUGHS
0:01:19 > 0:01:22In Stoke-on-Trent, one Good Morning Britain viewer makes
0:01:22 > 0:01:26the mistake of complaining that Susanna Reid hasn't got her legs on show.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37And in Somerset, as the floodwaters finally recede,
0:01:37 > 0:01:40a local finds it hard to adapt to the new drier conditions.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49On Ian's team tonight is a comedian
0:01:49 > 0:01:52who collected the Foster's Comedy Award
0:01:52 > 0:01:54wearing a T-shirt saying "No More Page Three"
0:01:54 > 0:01:57and she got an extra round of applause when she took it off.
0:01:57 > 0:01:58Please welcome Bridget Christie.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00APPLAUSE
0:02:04 > 0:02:08And with Paul tonight is a writer and broadcaster who is widely seen
0:02:08 > 0:02:09as the most miserable man on telly.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14I haven't even got that any more!
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Please welcome Charlie Brooker.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18APPLAUSE
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Now we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Ian and Bridget, take a look at this.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Patrick Mercer, MP, he's saying goodbye.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33Er, that's for free, he hasn't charged for that bit.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Bye-bye.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Goodbye, you're off. Ooh!
0:02:37 > 0:02:39That's a severe penalty.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Oh, and that's Farage - again.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Who has taken a job running a minicab firm.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50There he goes. "Be five minutes."
0:02:52 > 0:02:56I mean, there's a by-election coming up, which anybody could win.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Except Farage. Because he won't stand.
0:02:59 > 0:03:00Because it would look opportunistic
0:03:00 > 0:03:03cos he doesn't have a relationship with Newark.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05BROOKER: He doesn't have a relationship with Earth.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11- I think that is the Robin Hood bit. Newark and Sherwood.- The same area.
0:03:11 > 0:03:16Which is where traditionally you rob from the rich and give to the poor.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Which is Farage's policy - you take the money from the EU,
0:03:19 > 0:03:21and you give it to your wife.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Anyway, Robert Kilroy-Silk used to be the MEP for the area,
0:03:27 > 0:03:30and he is very good with a sound bite as well,
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- ..so we've got a moment of him. - Haven't seen this for a while.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Their fate will be in each other's hands, as they decide
0:03:37 > 0:03:39whether to share,
0:03:39 > 0:03:40or to shaft.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47So did you see when... I think it was Eamonn Holmes of Sky News
0:03:47 > 0:03:51who actually got the scoop on why Nigel Farage decided not to stand.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55You've announced in the past half hour, Mr Farage, it's not for you.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58- The question is, have you bottled it? - Yes.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06In fairness, I think Nigel is suffering from a time delay there.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08He thinks it's 1957.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11I think we came out just before two cars collided behind him.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16He's got all the publicity and the Tory Party, who should be
0:04:16 > 0:04:19incredible embarrassed that one of their MPs was caught
0:04:19 > 0:04:21taking money to ask questions...
0:04:21 > 0:04:27I mean, really pretty obvious sting by Panorama and The Telegraph.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Someone coming up and saying, "Would you ask some questions
0:04:30 > 0:04:34"about Fiji?" "Oh, yes, I'll ask questions about Fiji - anything."
0:04:34 > 0:04:37I'm glad this came up because, Jack, I had an e-mail from
0:04:37 > 0:04:44Patrick Mercer, and he said that he would pay me £10 if I asked you
0:04:44 > 0:04:50how much money you were being paid to ask about his cash for questions.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51- For tonight?- For tonight.
0:04:51 > 0:04:56And then he said he'd give me an extra £5 if I said at least
0:04:56 > 0:04:59he didn't read his questions from an autocue.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00OK.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04What if I give you £100 just to shut up?
0:05:04 > 0:05:05Um...
0:05:05 > 0:05:09- Well, I'm quids in. - You would be!- I'm quids in now.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12See me afterwards. He did say he was resigning because:
0:05:23 > 0:05:28True to his word, after 11 months of shilly-shallying, he nobly resigned.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32- What is shilly-shallying? - I'm surprised you don't know that.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Shilly-shallying is...
0:05:35 > 0:05:38- I don't know what you do all day, Charlie.- He does his hair!
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Do you have any idea how long that takes?
0:05:42 > 0:05:46- Apart from the by-election, there's the referendum in Scotland.- Yes.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Ed Miliband's told the Scots not to vote for independence
0:05:49 > 0:05:53but to wait for him to save them when he is Prime Minister.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57He's going to save them all, so he said:
0:05:58 > 0:05:59That's right. Good one.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02That's two things to look forward to, isn't it(?)
0:06:03 > 0:06:07What is Ed Miliband's Scottish dilemma?
0:06:07 > 0:06:12If Scotland go independent, he'll never get into power ever again.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Cos the figures suggest it's a permanent Tory Government
0:06:15 > 0:06:20without Scotland, which is a very good reason for Scotland to vote no.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21Please.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25That's the dilemma, so, Scotland, it's time to decide
0:06:25 > 0:06:27whether to share
0:06:27 > 0:06:28or shaft.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31APPLAUSE
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Anyone here remember Nick Clegg? He...
0:06:38 > 0:06:43- What's he hoping to do between now and 2020?- Form another coalition.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Quite right. He told The Sunday Times Magazine that he wants
0:06:46 > 0:06:49to stay as Deputy Prime Minister until 2020,
0:06:49 > 0:06:54forming a second coalition with either Labour or the Conservatives.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57He's got principles, that guy, that's what I like about him(!)
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Do you know what the current state of the parties on the poll is
0:07:00 > 0:07:05- for the latest YouGov European election poll?- Erm, 38% UKIP.
0:07:05 > 0:07:0931% UKIP. Labour 28 and Tories 19. Are you surprised by that, Bridget?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12I thought it had gone up seven points today.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14You haven't been watching carefully enough.
0:07:14 > 0:07:19- Has it gone back down again? - I check it more frequently than you.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20Have you got a Google alert?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22- Yes, I have, yes.- That's despite...
0:07:22 > 0:07:25I mean, UKIP come in for constant bashing...
0:07:25 > 0:07:28No matter what you do, they get stronger. It's like...
0:07:28 > 0:07:30There's no point attacking them,
0:07:30 > 0:07:33it's like trying to piss in a lake to make it go away.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37Did you see what UKIP MEP Roger Helmer was quoted as saying?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Was he the one talking about Lenny Henry?
0:07:39 > 0:07:41- No, I don't think... - That was Henwood.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44- That was Henwood. - This is Guess The Lunatic?
0:07:46 > 0:07:48He said:
0:07:50 > 0:07:53- He doesn't like the taste. - LAUGHTER
0:07:56 > 0:07:58APPLAUSE
0:07:58 > 0:07:59Stirring...
0:07:59 > 0:08:02- He doesn't like squeezing the bag. - Ah, I see.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Is there anybody left in UKIP
0:08:07 > 0:08:09who is allowed to speak?
0:08:09 > 0:08:13- Apart from Farage and... - Far-arge.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16- No, I won't call him that. - He rhymes with 'gar-age'.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18It's like sausage and saus-age.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Anyway... It's the same!
0:08:20 > 0:08:23He's a...big sausage.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27Anyway, what I was saying was, whenever somebody...you only see him.
0:08:27 > 0:08:32Whenever somebody speaks, they either have to resign or they are sacked.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34So is it just him on his own now?
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Yeah, there was a guy who said that women shouldn't...
0:08:37 > 0:08:38- Wear trousers. - Yeah.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41I'm actually wearing four pairs of trousers at the moment.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46One of the UKIP euro election posters was photographed next to
0:08:46 > 0:08:49a poster for camping equipment. Here's the UKIP one.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53and then, right next to it, is one for camping equipment.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02OK, so this is Patrick Mercer, who quit as an MP after accepting
0:09:02 > 0:09:05£4,000 to lobby on behalf of Fiji.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08What kind of person would accept money to promote Fiji,
0:09:08 > 0:09:11the jewel of the South Pacific, blessed with over 300
0:09:11 > 0:09:15tropical islands, magnificent coral reefs and pristine beaches
0:09:15 > 0:09:16that seem to stretch on forever?
0:09:18 > 0:09:22The resignation is a double blow. The people of Newark have lost
0:09:22 > 0:09:25their representative in Parliament, while at the same time
0:09:25 > 0:09:28the people of Fiji have lost their representative in Parliament.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34Nigel Farage denied that his decision not to stand was down
0:09:34 > 0:09:35to a lack of courage, saying,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38"That's bollocks, I've had six pints of it."
0:09:38 > 0:09:41So, Paul and Charlie, take a look at this.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44High-speed railway is being built, that's the prototype model.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48- It's a pump wagon! - How did you know that?- Miracle!
0:09:48 > 0:09:50There's David Cameron, meeting people.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54- He's meeting the cast of the Quality Street tin.- That's right.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57He's gone back to the 19th century. And...
0:09:57 > 0:10:02- This is, erm...some hot girl-on-trunk action.- Exactly.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04This is about the high-speed railway
0:10:04 > 0:10:06and that's about somebody who loves the countryside
0:10:06 > 0:10:09and doesn't want to it go through their back garden.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Completely right. Absolutely, straight on.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14The dream of being able to leave Birmingham really quickly
0:10:14 > 0:10:17has been...brought one step closer.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21How did David Cameron vote on the High Speed Rail Bill's
0:10:21 > 0:10:23- second reading? - He's all for it.
0:10:23 > 0:10:28- He didn't turn up.- He didn't?- No. He was on a train, it was late.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31He didn't bother, even though he lives just across the road.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Apparently he was having a date night,
0:10:34 > 0:10:37and Nick was really looking forward to it, so, you know.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Mayor of London Boris Johnson
0:10:40 > 0:10:43is a supporter of the high-speed rail link,
0:10:43 > 0:10:45but how did he sensitively answer those voicing
0:10:45 > 0:10:49- environmental concerns? - He said it's absolute bollocks.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52All these environmentalists, they don't care about butterflies
0:10:52 > 0:10:55and trees, all they care about is their house prices.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Do you know what, if Boris Johnson was, like, a woman,
0:10:58 > 0:11:02or a poor person, they wouldn't get away with the things that he says,
0:11:02 > 0:11:05but because he was, like, well-educated and posh...
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- I think he... - Is there a problem coming here?
0:11:08 > 0:11:12No, but we wouldn't get away with it, but people assume that
0:11:12 > 0:11:16his stupidity is deliberate because he's been so well-educated.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19He basically said that trees were stupid and that they didn't need
0:11:19 > 0:11:23to be saved because there are no trees in this country
0:11:23 > 0:11:25older than 200 years old.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27- Why is he so anti-tree? - He hate trees!
0:11:27 > 0:11:31They all hate... They all think the environment is for pussies,
0:11:31 > 0:11:33don't they, and girls and stuff?
0:11:33 > 0:11:35- No, they do! It's all money. They make me sick.- Who's "they"?
0:11:35 > 0:11:37All you lot!
0:11:37 > 0:11:40APPLAUSE
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Yeah. Yeah.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Yeah, they spend all their time running English Heritage
0:11:46 > 0:11:50and the Council for Preservation of Rural England and trying
0:11:50 > 0:11:53to save the countryside and objecting when trains go through.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56You're dead right, I mean, thank goodness you're not judged
0:11:56 > 0:12:00by those standards, cos people would say, "You're talking rubbish!"
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Well, you know, they do think that.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03He said:
0:12:11 > 0:12:13The question here is, is he right?
0:12:13 > 0:12:19And what I'd like to do now is now play How Old Is This Tree?
0:12:19 > 0:12:20Oh, great!
0:12:20 > 0:12:25Come on, this is my idea, so please join in. Try and make it work.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Have I Got Yews For You!
0:12:28 > 0:12:32First of all, here's a picture of a London plane tree.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- How long can they live?- 185 years.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38No, no, Paul, they've been known to live to 400 years.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39- I've been misinformed.- Yes.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43- Either that or you were sold a duff one.- Yeah.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49Let's have another one. How long can a sweet chestnut live?
0:12:49 > 0:12:52- Ah, sweet chestnut, yes.- 200?- No!
0:12:52 > 0:12:55- BRIDGET: I think it's much more. - Yes, go on.- 201?
0:12:56 > 0:12:58No, 600.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01This is not the format of the show I was expecting!
0:13:01 > 0:13:05They can live up to 700 years, so, yeah, you were right.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- I've got a mulberry tree in my garden.- Have you? They're very rare.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11- They're protected, aren't they? - It's about 450 years old.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Really? You've been there that long?
0:13:16 > 0:13:19- Have you?- I have, yeah, but I've cut it down because I don't care.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Wild holly, wild cherry
0:13:23 > 0:13:27and crack willow are three of the girls Boris employs in his office.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34- Crack Willow?- Yeah, yeah.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37That was what I was working towards, that joke.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Couldn't see the joke for the trees, really, could you?
0:13:40 > 0:13:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:44 > 0:13:48Now, a report by think tank the Institute of Economic Affairs
0:13:48 > 0:13:51cast doubt on the rail link's ability to improve the North.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53The report was called:
0:13:56 > 0:13:57By JK Rowling.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01There's too much transportation, really.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04I'm against any new train tracks or anything,
0:14:04 > 0:14:08because it's never worth going anywhere, in my experience.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10If you think about it,
0:14:10 > 0:14:13have you ever been anywhere that it was worth going?
0:14:14 > 0:14:17There was a letter in the paper today said that we shouldn't bother
0:14:17 > 0:14:20with trains, cos there are going to be driverless cars by the time
0:14:20 > 0:14:22it's finished in 2026.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25You'll just get in your car, say "Birmingham",
0:14:25 > 0:14:27and it will take you there.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31Can you get in this car and say other towns as well?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34The lead only stretches as far as Birmingham!
0:14:34 > 0:14:36How does it actually work?
0:14:36 > 0:14:38It's very complicated.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40What, you want to know EXACTLY how it works?!
0:14:40 > 0:14:42I do, because I don't believe it.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Cars will talk to each other, so if you are on a motorway
0:14:44 > 0:14:48and you come off and there's a pile-up round the corner, your car
0:14:48 > 0:14:51will be told there's a pile-up by the other cars in that pile-up.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54How they got piled up in the first place, I've no idea.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Somebody switched it off.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00- Could you play a driving simulator while you're driving?- Yes.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03You could pretend you're driving to somewhere more interesting.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05You can put that across your windscreen.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09There are driverless cars already, aren't there? I saw a few parked outside earlier.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:14 > 0:15:18Landowners are furious that HS2 will destroy some of
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Britain's most precious wildlife
0:15:20 > 0:15:23before they get the chance to kill them themselves.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26But what has been the good news for them this week?
0:15:26 > 0:15:31- The compensation is going to go up. - No, not quite, actually.
0:15:31 > 0:15:36I don't think I'VE led you the right way with this one. It is...
0:15:36 > 0:15:38The answer is Madagascar.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40LAUGHTER
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- Curve ball. - It always comes down to Madagascar.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48According to George Monbiot of The Guardian, David Cameron has
0:15:48 > 0:15:51extended the freeze on the cost of a gun licence, that is what
0:15:51 > 0:15:55I was getting at, and it's stayed at £50 since 2001.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59That's what's happened. Here's another game, all right?
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Fingers on buzzers as we play What's My Licence?
0:16:03 > 0:16:07- So, how much...- What's happened?! - Yeah.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10- How much is an occasional licence? - An occasional licence for what?
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Tables.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15There's occasional licences
0:16:15 > 0:16:18when you want to have a bar for a party or something.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22- Oh, I see, right. Erm... £10. - £10, it is.- That's not bad.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24That's all right. Yes. That's very reasonable.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27You can only get four occasional licences a year.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Because otherwise they think you're taking the piss.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Cos that's beginning to look like a permanent licence, isn't it?
0:16:33 > 0:16:37How long does the occasional licence last? Because it could last...
0:16:37 > 0:16:3817 minutes.
0:16:39 > 0:16:40It lasts three months.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Well, that's why you can't have four then, isn't it?
0:16:45 > 0:16:49Someone's employed a mathematician somewhere along the line!
0:16:49 > 0:16:51How much is an amusement permit?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Depends what you do with it.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56BUZZER 50 quid!
0:16:56 > 0:16:59It's actually £250, Charlie.
0:16:59 > 0:17:00You were quite a long way off.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Is that for people who play instruments in tubes?
0:17:03 > 0:17:07- It's JUST an amusement permit. - Am I supposed to have one?- Probably.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09I don't know. I was refused mine.
0:17:10 > 0:17:15This is the HS2 bill. One leading Tory rebel is Michael Fabricant.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Always keen to do his bit for the environment.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21For a start, he has at least three species of woodland bird
0:17:21 > 0:17:23nesting in his hair.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Another leading Tory who voted against the bill was
0:17:28 > 0:17:32Sir John Randall, who said the issue of HS2 was...
0:17:34 > 0:17:38And, to be fair, both involve a terrible exit strategy,
0:17:38 > 0:17:40as the tunnel comes out in Birmingham.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46So, at the end of that round, Bridget and Ian have two points
0:17:46 > 0:17:49and Paul and Charlie have two points.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51APPLAUSE
0:17:55 > 0:17:57And so to Round Two
0:17:57 > 0:17:58and it's a welcome return of
0:17:58 > 0:18:01the Have I Got News For You Wheel Of News.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03And here's the first spin.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08- BUZZER - George Clooney is getting married!
0:18:08 > 0:18:10George Clooney is getting married.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13And that's become a news item on this show.
0:18:13 > 0:18:18He's the first man to get married in America since 1968, I think.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- It's been a long, long time. - A very long time.
0:18:21 > 0:18:26George Clooney is getting married to British lawyer Amal Alamuddin.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30- Lovely.- Amal Alamuddin, I think is how you pronounce it.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Not one of those names you should say when you're rubbing a lamp.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35No, no, no.
0:18:37 > 0:18:38Or maybe you should?
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Rubbing a lamb? Lamb?
0:18:41 > 0:18:45- MIDDLE EASTERN ACCENT:- Alamuddin. No, that was racist. I was a bit of a...
0:18:45 > 0:18:49I imposed an accent on that and I'd like to withdraw the accent
0:18:49 > 0:18:51I put on, just because... it's wrong.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55Just say you were doing an impression of Jeremy Clarkson and you'll get away with it.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59How does the world's media think that they may know this?
0:18:59 > 0:19:01They went out for dinner in LA, I think,
0:19:01 > 0:19:04with, oh, a couple of other celebrities.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06- Ethel Merman and Ken Dodd?- No.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11Oh, who was it?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13I should remember, they were quite a funny couple.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15- With a load of other celebrities? - Yeah.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18You're not confusing this with Ocean's 11, are you?
0:19:19 > 0:19:22A reporter was there and they went, "Oh, look at her ring
0:19:22 > 0:19:24- "and whatnot."- Ring, yeah.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28But it's an amazing ring. Because it produces coffee.
0:19:30 > 0:19:35You just press it and out comes this fantastic sort of cappuccino.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37I've seen the ad.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39He has been married before.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42I think the first marriage was dark, it was bitter,
0:19:42 > 0:19:43it was over in an instant.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45LAUGHTER
0:19:47 > 0:19:49APPLAUSE
0:19:49 > 0:19:51There's people complaining that he's off the market.
0:19:51 > 0:19:52Do people really care?
0:19:52 > 0:19:55It's like Prince Harry and his girlfriend splitting up.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57I find it very hard to...
0:19:57 > 0:20:02Am I sociopathic or is it impossible to care about these bloody people
0:20:02 > 0:20:04you're never going to meet and their stupid bloody lives?
0:20:04 > 0:20:06CHEERING
0:20:06 > 0:20:07That's right.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:08 > 0:20:10According to the Mail:
0:20:16 > 0:20:19I mean, John Simpson must be gutted, mustn't he?
0:20:19 > 0:20:23Let's have a picture the Mail used to bring readers the news.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Is his jumper going grey?
0:20:27 > 0:20:28What does that picture say to you?
0:20:28 > 0:20:31BRIDGET CHRISTIE: It says, "The cameras are on us. Look happy."
0:20:31 > 0:20:32According to the Mail:
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Shall we play the game of...
0:20:42 > 0:20:44CHARLIE: This is another one of these.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Give us your look of someone who hates commitment.
0:20:46 > 0:20:51- Charlie, how about you?- What is the look of a man...- That's perfect, man.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53- Just this?- Yes. Ian, can we have yours?
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- No, no, I'm very committed.- Yeah.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Bridget, the look of a man who hates commitment.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00You must have seen that look enough times. Come on.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02How can I do a man...
0:21:02 > 0:21:05I'm sorry. That was not necessary.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09Actually, I'm hitting them off with a shitty stick, Ian.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14- Beating them off is the expression, isn't it?- Is it? I imagine it is.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Hitting is better.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Give us your look of someone who hates commitment, Paul, please.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32The stupid thing is, for a moment I thought I'd gone too far then.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35I couldn't go far enough. I'm locked to this thing.
0:21:35 > 0:21:40Which new programme went to town with the story? Which NEW programme?
0:21:40 > 0:21:41- Is this Good Morning Britain?- It is.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44It landed with disappointing ratings, didn't it?
0:21:44 > 0:21:47They paid a lot of money for Susanna Reid to present it and people moaned
0:21:47 > 0:21:50that she was sitting behind a desk and they couldn't see her legs.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54And there were viewers saying it's like buying a Ferrari
0:21:54 > 0:21:56and keeping it in the garage.
0:21:56 > 0:22:01Who are these people who can't sit through television for ten minutes
0:22:01 > 0:22:03without trying to break into a wank?
0:22:03 > 0:22:05LAUGHTER What's wrong with them?
0:22:05 > 0:22:07APPLAUSE
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Did you manage to watch it, Bridget?
0:22:12 > 0:22:17- The show?- No, God no.- You missed quite a big television moment.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19What did I miss?
0:22:19 > 0:22:24TV legend Andi Peters gets to host a mini format within the show
0:22:24 > 0:22:27- called Wheel of Cash! - Wheel of cash?!- Wheel of cash.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31Andi Peters was the Broom Cupboard, wasn't he? Wasn't he Edd the Duck?
0:22:31 > 0:22:35- I don't know, was he?- Yeah.- Yeah, he was in the Broom Cupboard, remember?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Not a safe place to be in the BBC in the 1980s.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:45 > 0:22:48This is the news that George Clooney is getting engaged
0:22:48 > 0:22:50to barrister Amal Alamuddin.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53He wanted to keep it out of the papers,
0:22:53 > 0:22:55but for some reason Max Clifford wasn't returning his calls.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01So here is the next spin.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06- No!- George Clooney's getting married!
0:23:09 > 0:23:13BBC dumbs down. Repeats happen every seven minutes these days.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21- That's in yellow. Yeah. - It's Bernie Ecclestone.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24It is the news that Bernie Ecclestone could have
0:23:24 > 0:23:26pulled off one of the biggest tax dodges in history.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30Here is Bernie and his ex-wife Slavica. There they are.
0:23:30 > 0:23:35So why did she end up paying him huge sums of money after they divorced?
0:23:35 > 0:23:39- She ended up paying him?- She ended up paying him. Why was that?
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Are all his business interests in her name?
0:23:42 > 0:23:44She has been paying him 100 million a year.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49It's either the most amicable divorce in the history
0:23:49 > 0:23:51of human beings or it stinks.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Yes, I have to stop you there.
0:23:53 > 0:23:58We can't actually legally go into too much detail on how he did this,
0:23:58 > 0:24:00is alleged to have done, this tax dodge,
0:24:00 > 0:24:02in case Jimmy Carr is watching.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08He did a deal with HMRC, customs over here,
0:24:08 > 0:24:12so he paid a very, very small amount of tax and he settled up.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14It was like Vodafone and all these other companies.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18It's one of these very bizarre deals where the more tax you owe,
0:24:18 > 0:24:19the less you pay.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23I should point out it's his wife's trust that settled with
0:24:23 > 0:24:25the Revenue, not Bernie Ecclestone.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28How do we know his wife isn't him in a wig?
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Where are Mr Ecclestone's tax affairs under scrutiny?
0:24:32 > 0:24:35- Germany.- You were right in there before I even asked the question.
0:24:35 > 0:24:36It is sub judice, as we say.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40- Or as they say in Germany... - ATTEMPTS GERMAN ACCENT:- Sub judice.
0:24:42 > 0:24:43I don't know why I did that.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45- Will you do it again?- I don't want to
0:24:45 > 0:24:48because the accent wasn't even accurate.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52- Oh, please.- I was going for German and it just came out as, "Sub judice."
0:24:54 > 0:24:57This is in German courtroom. There we are.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04And he is charged with giving a German banker a £27 million bribe,
0:25:04 > 0:25:07in this case, he could be facing ten years in jail.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Well, let's be honest, life.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14He might get a long stretch while he's in there as well.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18And here he is, trying to get into the courtroom.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25- AS MURRAY WALKER:- There he goes, in the revolving door, round and round!
0:25:46 > 0:25:47Here we go with the next spin.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53- BUZZER: It's ET.- Yeah, we know it's ET but what...?
0:25:54 > 0:25:58This was an urban myth many people believed
0:25:58 > 0:26:00but it turns out to be true, it was Atari I think,
0:26:00 > 0:26:03I don't know a lot about video games, but they brought out a game
0:26:03 > 0:26:06of ET when the film was out in the '80s.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09They are all buried in the desert in New Mexico.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12And they've dug them all up. It was a terrible, terrible, terrible game.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Do you know why it was so bad though?
0:26:14 > 0:26:18It looks like Teletext having a breakdown, the game itself.
0:26:18 > 0:26:19Let's have a look.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23- We have got a little picture of the game. That is actually ET.- No!
0:26:24 > 0:26:28It is rubbish. Charlie, you are an expert on computer games.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31- Why were they actually buried? - I don't know.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33I think they were buried out of shame.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36It was regarded widely as:
0:26:39 > 0:26:42- They didn't bury them very well, did they?- They pretty much did.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44They encased them in concrete and buried them
0:26:44 > 0:26:46in the Chihuahuan Desert.
0:26:46 > 0:26:51In England, we just have the Sue Ryder shop for that kind of thing.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55Nobody played these in Britain in the '80s.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59We played decent home-brew, spec games written on a Spectrum or a Commodore 64,
0:26:59 > 0:27:03which you could get on a cassette and copy and you would have C90s.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05- We would make our own entertainment. - Exactly.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08We had the people's computer. We didn't need this bullshit.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Burying copies of Jet Set Willy in the New Forest.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Sorry, is this another celebrity we should know about?
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Since we are nostalgia mode now,
0:27:21 > 0:27:24what theme from a slightly earlier era is back?
0:27:24 > 0:27:25Diphtheria?
0:27:27 > 0:27:30- Dad's Army.- Dad's Army, yes. They are making the film.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33- But they are updating it.- Yes, according to the Daily Telegraph,
0:27:33 > 0:27:35creator Jimmy Perry:
0:27:40 > 0:27:43This is the ET Atari video games that have been
0:27:43 > 0:27:45found in the Chihuahuan Desert.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48The ET game flopped and as a result:
0:27:52 > 0:27:55It's astonishing, if you want to lose that sort of money nowadays,
0:27:55 > 0:27:58you'd have to write a musical about X Factor.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Buried there in 1982,
0:28:01 > 0:28:05the games were discovered in the so-called graveyard of shame.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07PAUL LAUGHS
0:28:07 > 0:28:11Discovered under a pile of shoulder pads, Kajagoogoo albums
0:28:11 > 0:28:12and Timmy Mallet.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17And the last spin?
0:28:17 > 0:28:18- BUZZER - Yes?
0:28:18 > 0:28:22ET and Max Clifford, really, there's a link there, is there?
0:28:22 > 0:28:23No wonder he wanted to go home.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Max Clifford, big name in PR,
0:28:27 > 0:28:29the Paedophile Register.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35Yes. Earlier this week, the publicist Max Clifford was found guilty of
0:28:35 > 0:28:39eight counts of indecent assault, or as he's spinning it, fewer than ten.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43What is Max Clifford threatening to do now?
0:28:43 > 0:28:47Get the judge a role in The Bill?
0:28:47 > 0:28:49Only if he's a good judge.
0:28:49 > 0:28:53- Yes, very good judge. - Is he threatening to name names?
0:28:53 > 0:28:55Yeah, basically, that's right, he's going
0:28:55 > 0:28:58to write a kiss-and-tell book in prison.
0:28:58 > 0:29:01He said, "You wouldn't believe the story I could tell."
0:29:01 > 0:29:02Yeah, that's right, you wouldn't.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05- None of us would.- Having lied to the jury, erm...
0:29:05 > 0:29:08- Yeah, he couldn't tell it in court, could he?- Exactly.
0:29:08 > 0:29:10Here he is coming out of court last month.
0:29:10 > 0:29:12She went on to say, it is not fun,
0:29:12 > 0:29:16standing there being accused of being a fantasist or a liar.
0:29:16 > 0:29:21We also heard more evidence surrounding Max Clifford's intimate
0:29:21 > 0:29:26size details and once again, Rosina Cottage QC said to the jury,
0:29:26 > 0:29:30it is not important, the size, it is what he has done with it.
0:29:31 > 0:29:35- Hi, Max.- How are you?- I'm fine, thank you. You OK?
0:29:35 > 0:29:38- We'll carry on, shall we? - You carry on.- OK.
0:29:40 > 0:29:43Not a control freak in any way, shape or form.
0:29:43 > 0:29:44What a horrible man.
0:29:44 > 0:29:48Making a report outside a courtroom like that, horrible.
0:29:49 > 0:29:53I can't think of anything sort of funny to say about him.
0:29:53 > 0:29:55No, no, that's rapists for you!
0:29:59 > 0:30:01Which means at the end of this round,
0:30:01 > 0:30:03it's Bridget and Ian with two
0:30:03 > 0:30:06and Paul and Charlie with six.
0:30:06 > 0:30:08APPLAUSE
0:30:13 > 0:30:15Time now for the odd-one-out round,
0:30:15 > 0:30:18and it's one between all of you this week, so fingers on buzzers.
0:30:18 > 0:30:20Adolf Hitler, a walrus,
0:30:20 > 0:30:21Jeremy Paxman,
0:30:21 > 0:30:24- and Major General Ambrose Burnside. - BELL
0:30:24 > 0:30:27- And that was Ian and Bridget. - It's facial hair or beards.
0:30:27 > 0:30:30- Hitler, moustache. - He had a moustache.- Definitely.
0:30:30 > 0:30:32- Walrus, moustache.- Yeah, he...
0:30:32 > 0:30:36They've all got moustaches, except Paxman, who had a beard!
0:30:36 > 0:30:39I think you know this show better than that.
0:30:39 > 0:30:42- What kind of moustache did Hitler have?- He had a Hitler moustache.
0:30:45 > 0:30:47That's exactly what I wanted you to say.
0:30:47 > 0:30:49No, Hitler moustache, so why would that be a good clue?
0:30:49 > 0:30:53- So does this walrus have a walrus moustache?- Ah-ha, here we go so...
0:30:53 > 0:30:56- And what did you say his name was? - Burnside, he was...
0:30:56 > 0:30:57Oh, so sideburns.
0:30:57 > 0:31:02- Brilliant! That's exactly it. - Did they reverse his name?
0:31:02 > 0:31:03So who's the odd one out?
0:31:03 > 0:31:06Paxman, because no-one refers to a beard as a Paxman.
0:31:06 > 0:31:09That's right, they don't, that's exactly it, well done.
0:31:09 > 0:31:10APPLAUSE
0:31:12 > 0:31:14Yeah, they've all given a name
0:31:14 > 0:31:16to a type of facial hair,
0:31:16 > 0:31:17apart from Jeremy Paxman,
0:31:17 > 0:31:19who has quit Newsnight
0:31:19 > 0:31:22to perform a one-man show about his beard.
0:31:22 > 0:31:24Book early!
0:31:24 > 0:31:29A clean-shaven Jeremy Paxman will sneer about pognophobia,
0:31:29 > 0:31:31you know what it is precisely.
0:31:31 > 0:31:36- Fear of beards.- A fear of beards or a beard-like structure.
0:31:36 > 0:31:39What happens if you're a pognophobic
0:31:39 > 0:31:42and you're trapped somewhere without razors?
0:31:43 > 0:31:46Jack, can we just be very, very careful?
0:31:49 > 0:31:52- Yeah, yeah, that's good, yeah. - That's quite a structure!
0:31:52 > 0:31:55If you were worried where they buried the WMDs...
0:31:58 > 0:31:59Yes, yeah, so it's...
0:31:59 > 0:32:03I'm just glad that WG Grace is still alive. Good to see you!
0:32:03 > 0:32:07- Are we doing a round on beard lengths now?- It's the best bit of the show!
0:32:07 > 0:32:10It's probably shouldn't be a surprise that Paxman is giving up
0:32:10 > 0:32:12doing Newsnight, the signs have been there for a while.
0:32:12 > 0:32:16- I've got a little compilation I'm going to show you.- Oh, how lovely. - Yes, here you go.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19And now on the theory that while some people are interested
0:32:19 > 0:32:21in the markets, everyone is interested in the weather.
0:32:21 > 0:32:24Here it is, shorn of the usual folksy nonsense about clouds bubbling up
0:32:24 > 0:32:27and advice about wearing woolly socks.
0:32:27 > 0:32:29Eastern parts will mainly avoid the rain,
0:32:29 > 0:32:33except for those who don't and there will be bright or sunny intervals.
0:32:33 > 0:32:35Western areas will be cloudy with rain,
0:32:35 > 0:32:37except in those places that don't have rain.
0:32:37 > 0:32:39Temperatures will be near-normal.
0:32:39 > 0:32:42And finally, by popular demand, the second Newsnight weather forecast.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44Take an umbrella with you tomorrow.
0:32:45 > 0:32:49Finally and controversially to tomorrow's weather forecast.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51It is a veritable smorgasbord.
0:32:51 > 0:32:57Sun, rain, thunder, hail, snow, cold, winds. Almost worth going to work.
0:32:57 > 0:32:58That's all from Newsnight tonight.
0:32:58 > 0:33:01Martha is being punished for some offence in a previous life
0:33:01 > 0:33:03by presenting tomorrow's programme.
0:33:03 > 0:33:05In the meantime, it's all available again on the website,
0:33:05 > 0:33:08along with our editor's pathetic pleas for you to send us
0:33:08 > 0:33:10some of your old bits of home movie and the like
0:33:10 > 0:33:13so we can become the BBC's version of Animals Do The Funniest Things.
0:33:13 > 0:33:14Good night.
0:33:14 > 0:33:16APPLAUSE
0:33:19 > 0:33:23It's like an art installation where a depressed man is in a glass box
0:33:23 > 0:33:26talking only to evasive liars he hates.
0:33:28 > 0:33:31- Which other Jeremy has been in the news?- Oh, Jeremy Clarkson.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33Yes, do you know what for?
0:33:33 > 0:33:36One of the papers had a story today on the front page about him
0:33:36 > 0:33:39saying something he shouldn't have said.
0:33:39 > 0:33:44The Mirror claim that he used the N-word, the N-word.
0:33:44 > 0:33:47But wasn't it in the context of Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe?
0:33:47 > 0:33:49It was in that context,
0:33:49 > 0:33:52and no-one knows why he had to mention Nick Clegg in that way.
0:33:53 > 0:33:58And obviously Adolf Hitler. The Fuhrer gave his name to a moustache.
0:33:58 > 0:34:02Can I just point out I don't call him the Fuhrer? It's written there.
0:34:05 > 0:34:08Sorry, it's there. I know I've gone a bit over the top.
0:34:08 > 0:34:10You were only following orders.
0:34:10 > 0:34:13LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:34:13 > 0:34:17The most recent German leader to sport a Hitler moustache.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19Angela Merkel, who was slightly unfortunately given one
0:34:19 > 0:34:25by the shadow of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu's finger. There it is.
0:34:27 > 0:34:30BRIDGET: Oh, that's so childish.
0:34:30 > 0:34:34Do you think he had been practising that four weeks?
0:34:34 > 0:34:38I think there are lots of world leaders try to do that to Angela.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40It is a game they play amongst themselves.
0:34:40 > 0:34:43"Look at my invisible budgie," when she comes in.
0:34:43 > 0:34:44According to Wikipedia:
0:34:47 > 0:34:50And the fact that they are bloody great walruses.
0:34:52 > 0:34:56Jeremy Paxman this week announced that he was quitting Newsnight, saying he was...
0:34:59 > 0:35:01What, the minute Newsnight starts?
0:35:03 > 0:35:05When asked if he would like to be the guest presenter
0:35:05 > 0:35:08of Have I Got News For You, Jeremy Paxman said:
0:35:11 > 0:35:12Fine by us,
0:35:12 > 0:35:16as it would also count towards our quota of female presenters.
0:35:17 > 0:35:19Which means at the end of this round,
0:35:19 > 0:35:23Bridget and Ian have four, and Paul and Charlie have six.
0:35:23 > 0:35:25APPLAUSE
0:35:31 > 0:35:35Time now for the missing-words round, which this week features,
0:35:35 > 0:35:38as its guest publication, Packaging Scotland.
0:35:39 > 0:35:41Or as we'll be calling it very soon,
0:35:41 > 0:35:43one of those poncey foreign magazines.
0:35:45 > 0:35:46We start with...
0:35:52 > 0:35:54BRIDGET: Trampolining.
0:35:54 > 0:35:56CHARLIE: Tweeting abuse at Piers Morgan.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00The answer is swatting flies.
0:36:00 > 0:36:04This is a pensioner in China who spends all her time swatting flies.
0:36:04 > 0:36:08One of her neighbours said:
0:36:12 > 0:36:15About the same.
0:36:15 > 0:36:18Billions and billions of them.
0:36:18 > 0:36:21You had no impact. Next.
0:36:27 > 0:36:28Give birth?
0:36:30 > 0:36:33As likely to buy packaging that illustrates
0:36:33 > 0:36:35the beauty of their country.
0:36:35 > 0:36:38Paul, that is uncanny. It is actually:
0:36:44 > 0:36:47According to Packaging Scotland:
0:36:51 > 0:36:54Certainly true in our householder. Certainly true in my household.
0:36:54 > 0:36:58My wife has decided to that I'm not actually allowed to have a key.
0:36:59 > 0:37:03- Ah.- I know, wasn't even worth it, was it?
0:37:03 > 0:37:05- What, the house or the marriage? - LAUGHTER
0:37:07 > 0:37:08Next.
0:37:12 > 0:37:16I love this package, its design is the best I've ever seen.
0:37:16 > 0:37:20- You're not far off, really.- Not far off?- I love this box.- Hmm.
0:37:20 > 0:37:24CHARLIE: Its bevelled edge is the best I've ever seen.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26- BRIDGET: Lid! - It's actually:
0:37:30 > 0:37:34- No!- Yep. It's for the M&S beetroot range.
0:37:34 > 0:37:36The resealable lid is a boon to the Scots,
0:37:36 > 0:37:39cos you can simply take the top off and scream,
0:37:39 > 0:37:41"Ah, we've bought vegetables,"
0:37:41 > 0:37:44close the lid and take it back to the shop.
0:37:45 > 0:37:49Why is this programme deliberately trying to lose the referendum?!
0:37:49 > 0:37:51Next...
0:37:56 > 0:37:59- Whisky!- CHARLIE: All of humankind.
0:37:59 > 0:38:01Is it Sir Bruce Forsyth?
0:38:03 > 0:38:05The answer is...
0:38:06 > 0:38:09200g of chopped pork and ham in a plastic tub.
0:38:09 > 0:38:12All I'd say, gents, don't make it her main present.
0:38:15 > 0:38:17Next one, here it comes.
0:38:21 > 0:38:22Frank Bough!
0:38:22 > 0:38:24- Is it Friday?- Friday!
0:38:24 > 0:38:27- The Loch Ness monster.- No.- Godzilla.
0:38:27 > 0:38:30No, now you are being silly, Paul.
0:38:30 > 0:38:33What about that film Godzilla versus Des Lynam that came out
0:38:33 > 0:38:34five years ago?
0:38:34 > 0:38:36Rrrr. And he's the latest football results. Rrrr!
0:38:43 > 0:38:44Next is:
0:38:47 > 0:38:50CHARLIE: Because he's sort of uphill and they couldn't be arsed.
0:38:51 > 0:38:55The answer is it was too dark outside.
0:38:55 > 0:38:57This is the story of the Kent Police
0:38:57 > 0:39:00calling off the search for a thief because it was too dark.
0:39:00 > 0:39:03To be fair, it is bit scary in the dark when all you've got is
0:39:03 > 0:39:06a torch and a Taser, and a van full of colleagues.
0:39:11 > 0:39:12- Duffle coat?- Duffle coat?
0:39:14 > 0:39:17Yes, they've sort of scooped out a horse and used the bit,
0:39:17 > 0:39:19there's a thing...
0:39:19 > 0:39:21- That would be amazing!- Yeah, I know. I'm selling them.
0:39:21 > 0:39:25With a horse's head as a hood. I call them horses-heads-hoods.
0:39:25 > 0:39:27Supermarket lasagne?
0:39:29 > 0:39:31It is actually...
0:39:35 > 0:39:38- What?- I know, I know... - Pet is a substance, is it?
0:39:38 > 0:39:40- Here we go, you see.- Oh, PET.
0:39:40 > 0:39:43This is from Packaging Scotland.
0:39:43 > 0:39:45Before we get any complaints about this article,
0:39:45 > 0:39:47PET is an acronym which stands for:
0:39:47 > 0:39:51HE STRUGGLES TO PRONOUNCE IT
0:39:51 > 0:39:52As I say, it is called PET.
0:39:52 > 0:39:54And finally...
0:39:58 > 0:39:59Alcohol!
0:40:01 > 0:40:06- Cirrhosis of the liver! - It's actually...
0:40:09 > 0:40:15- Here he is there, this is the chap. He's a lookalike.- Is that real?
0:40:15 > 0:40:19It was real about the bar, yes, the whole bar is themed around Bin Laden.
0:40:19 > 0:40:22What, and his consumption of alcohol?
0:40:24 > 0:40:27Yes. He famously liked a drink, yeah.
0:40:27 > 0:40:29Oddbin Laden!
0:40:29 > 0:40:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:33 > 0:40:36So the final scores are Bridget and Ian have four,
0:40:36 > 0:40:38and Paul and Charlie have six.
0:40:38 > 0:40:39No!
0:40:39 > 0:40:42APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:40:45 > 0:40:47On which note we say thank you to our panellists,
0:40:47 > 0:40:51Ian Hislop and Bridget Christie, Paul Merton and Charlie Brooker.
0:40:51 > 0:40:55And I leave you with news that at a courtroom in Germany the clerk
0:40:55 > 0:40:58fetches the specially prepared Bible for Bernie Ecclestone to swear on.
0:41:02 > 0:41:05In Uzbekistan, an artist condemned to death for his decadent western
0:41:05 > 0:41:09surrealism is allowed to choose the means of his own execution.
0:41:14 > 0:41:17And following this week's Tube strike in London,
0:41:17 > 0:41:20a scheme is unveiled to increase the number of bike racks.
0:41:23 > 0:41:24Good night.