0:00:02 > 0:00:03I was going to say, "Good luck, David."
0:00:03 > 0:00:07Then I thought, "No. That sounds like a slightly dodgy African president."
0:00:07 > 0:00:10LAUGHTER "Goodluck David."
0:00:37 > 0:00:41APPLAUSE
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53I'm David Mitchell. In the news this week...
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Enjoying his new-found freedom on a US road trip,
0:00:56 > 0:01:00Prince Harry suddenly senses Cressida Bonas may not be over him.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10As BBC Look North West move into smaller premises,
0:01:10 > 0:01:11they deny that their decision
0:01:11 > 0:01:14to place the news studio in a lift was a mistake.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17In a statement, the panel said it welcomed the apology,
0:01:17 > 0:01:21but said some of the financial costs could have been avoided.
0:01:24 > 0:01:25And as the BBC is criticised
0:01:25 > 0:01:28for giving Nigel Farage too much air time,
0:01:28 > 0:01:31it devises a new strategy to ensure balance.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34I think you guys are doing a very good job to try and trivialise
0:01:34 > 0:01:35and demonise everything we do.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38The fact, is we're fighting a national election campaign here
0:01:38 > 0:01:40on the issue...
0:01:40 > 0:01:43On Ian's team tonight is a comedy writer
0:01:43 > 0:01:46and performer whose full name is Andrew Neil Hamilton,
0:01:46 > 0:01:49but if you're hoping for a combination of Andrew Neil
0:01:49 > 0:01:53and Neil Hamilton, then what sort of person are you?
0:01:53 > 0:01:57- Please welcome Andy Hamilton. - APPLAUSE
0:02:02 > 0:02:05And with Paul tonight is an award-winning comedian
0:02:05 > 0:02:09who says she makes no apology for being pessimistic and negative.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12And anyway, even if she did, it would be utterly pointless.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16- Please welcome Susan Calman. - APPLAUSE
0:02:18 > 0:02:22I must get rid of that pen. Just looking at my shirt.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Look. It's a white shirt.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Paul and Susan, take a look at this.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Ah, yes, it's very windy at the calendar factory.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38- That's...- Ed Miliband.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Ed Miliband with Johann Lamont, just strolling the streets of Scotland.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Ah, is that what he's doing? In his perfectly natural manner, yes.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- Very relaxed. Very casual. - Ah, yes...
0:02:47 > 0:02:50This still works, does it? Politicians holding babies?
0:02:50 > 0:02:54- Erm...- Oh. - There was a pre-baby - an egg...
0:02:54 > 0:02:56hitting Nigel Farage in the chops.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58And there's a very happy man
0:02:58 > 0:03:01looking forward to the current election coming up in Europe.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Loneliest man in the world.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06- It's a year till the General Election.- Yes.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Now the excitement can really begin.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12This is when Ed Miliband, we've thought that he was a useless man,
0:03:12 > 0:03:15but like a caged panther, he will now pounce.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19Only if they let him out of the cage, which seems unlikely.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23The metaphorical cage of his own presentational failures.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Yes, this is the grim realisation that there's still a whole year
0:03:30 > 0:03:31until the next General Election,
0:03:31 > 0:03:34even though there's a sort of methadone election
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- that no-one really cares about sooner than that.- Oh...
0:03:37 > 0:03:39I did not mean by "methadone election"
0:03:39 > 0:03:43the Scottish independence vote, by the way. I have no idea...
0:03:43 > 0:03:44I was just wondering if...
0:03:44 > 0:03:47It's quite early, but let's start now, David, shall we?
0:03:47 > 0:03:51No, I was saying... I was merely saying that a European Election
0:03:51 > 0:03:54is like the methadone to the full smack of a General Election.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58The reason they're starting electioneering
0:03:58 > 0:04:00is because there's no business in the House of Commons.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02The coalition's got nothing left to do.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05It's not as though there are any problems in the country.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07There are no bills, they couldn't think what to put
0:04:07 > 0:04:08in the Queen's speech,
0:04:08 > 0:04:11so they thought, "Let's go out electioneering."
0:04:11 > 0:04:14So that's what you've got - babies, eggs, Miliband.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18But what has he been doing in terms of presentation?
0:04:18 > 0:04:20What's he been up to?
0:04:20 > 0:04:24Oh... He said that he was more intellectually self-confident
0:04:24 > 0:04:27than Cameron, which is, I mean...
0:04:27 > 0:04:32In my experience, self-confident people tend not to go around saying
0:04:32 > 0:04:34how self-confident they are.
0:04:34 > 0:04:39- And they don't usually say "I think", afterwards.- Er...
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Saying that you're cleverer than David Cameron
0:04:42 > 0:04:44is not setting the bar very high.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Cameron got a better degree than he did.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49But in politics. That's like embroidery, isn't it?
0:04:49 > 0:04:52LAUGHTER
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Come on!
0:04:55 > 0:04:59It's not a proper subject, you know.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01So what was your subject?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Well, I don't see how that's any of your business.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Dave got a first and Ed didn't,
0:05:07 > 0:05:10but who wouldn't be particularly impressed by that?
0:05:10 > 0:05:11The other Miliband?
0:05:11 > 0:05:14The answer is actually Boris Johnson,
0:05:14 > 0:05:16who was once asked this question by Jeremy Paxman.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Is it true that you've always felt yourself
0:05:19 > 0:05:21slightly intellectually inferior?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23- Inferior?- Inferior.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25No.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27- No.- To whom?
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- To David Cameron, your leader. - Well, that's a new one.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32No, I haven't, but on the other hand,
0:05:32 > 0:05:34I can see where this is leading.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36This goes back to the days, of course,
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- when he got a first and you didn't. - Ah, yes.
0:05:39 > 0:05:45- Does that still rankle a bit? - Well, it would if it wasn't
0:05:45 > 0:05:47that his first was in PPE.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Which is an inferior subject to your own?
0:05:52 > 0:05:56Look, I mean, you know, this is... This is playground stuff, Jeremy.
0:05:59 > 0:06:05How has it been suggested that Boris might shake off his posh image?
0:06:05 > 0:06:09I can think of a few ideas, but I don't think they're legal.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12It's been suggested that he might stand as an MP in the north.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- Oh, in The North?- The North.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18The less, according to whoever suggested this,
0:06:18 > 0:06:21the less posh part of Britain. That's what they're implying.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25I think Boris arriving to stand as an MP in "the north"
0:06:25 > 0:06:26would go down tremendously.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30Like Glasgow. They'd welcome him with open arms.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Glasgow would welcome him with open arms...
0:06:33 > 0:06:36And then he would disappear.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40You're quite right. Ed Miliband said in an interview this week...
0:06:49 > 0:06:51That's the kind of "actually" that usually follows
0:06:51 > 0:06:54"I can do a Rubik's cube in less than a minute, actually."
0:06:54 > 0:06:57And how did David Cameron's office respond to that assertion?
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- Mortar fire?- Mortar fire?
0:07:00 > 0:07:03I thought that was like a noun.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05"They sent in the mortifier."
0:07:05 > 0:07:07"This is worse than you expected it to be."
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- I don't know. How did they react? - Cameron's office said:
0:07:15 > 0:07:18- Oh. Got burnt.- Very droll.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21For this interview, according to the Mail...
0:07:25 > 0:07:26And...
0:07:26 > 0:07:29LAUGHTER
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Do you know? That's like a photograph you'd see on Grindr.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Please would you like to inform the court what "Grindr" is, exactly?
0:07:41 > 0:07:44It's for gentlemen to find other gentlemen in your area.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48That looks like he's saying, "There's a space here for you."
0:07:49 > 0:07:52There's a photo that could be improved
0:07:52 > 0:07:53by the presence of a kestrel.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59- Undoubtedly.- Maybe...
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Maybe there was a kestrel, and they painted it out.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Maybe... "You know what? The kestrel's too much."
0:08:05 > 0:08:08People would keep looking at the kestrel.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12There was probably a row of birds of prey all along...
0:08:12 > 0:08:14All along that arm.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18All wearing little a T-shirt - "Don't vote UKIP."
0:08:18 > 0:08:21What does Ed say keeps his ambition in check?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23The ghost of his brother.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29His wife, Justine.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31- Oh.- Yes.- He says...
0:08:35 > 0:08:38That's very romantic.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40"Darling, you're such a good corrective."
0:08:40 > 0:08:43He calls her Tipp-Ex in bed.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47- He's released a Party Political Broadcast. Have you seen that?- Hmm.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50It's a spoof of a 1950s film.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53That's going to get the young people...out there in droves.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55I did watch the Labour one
0:08:55 > 0:09:00and it ended with another motto with no verb in about hardworking people.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05It just makes no sense at all.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07It's like Yoda's written that.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12AS YODA: "Hardworking Britain better off."
0:09:12 > 0:09:13What about people like me?
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Do bone-idle people not get represented
0:09:17 > 0:09:19after the...next election?
0:09:19 > 0:09:22We're quite an important demographic.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24If Labour brought out a poster that said,
0:09:24 > 0:09:29"Vote Labour. We won't expect too much of you."
0:09:29 > 0:09:31If they set the bar as low as possible,
0:09:31 > 0:09:33then I'm never disappointed,
0:09:33 > 0:09:36and they're never disappointed in me as a voter.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38"Settle for Labour."
0:09:41 > 0:09:45They're not New Labour any more - I hadn't noticed that.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48- They're going to rebrand. - Yeah. Labour.- Labour Classic.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52They couldn't call themselves New Labour when Blair left.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54It's like when Mike Nolan left Bucks Fizz.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56They couldn't call themselves Bucks Fizz any more.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Labour could go with Bucks Fizz.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02Champagne socialists, but slightly diluted with orange juice.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07And the Lib Dems. What are they?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10I think they're going to sit this election out. It's probably...
0:10:10 > 0:10:13They've got a note from their mother.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16I think they'll play the sympathy vote to a certain extent,
0:10:16 > 0:10:18just have Nick Clegg topless holding a puppy
0:10:18 > 0:10:20just looking into the camera like that...
0:10:20 > 0:10:23SUSAN MOUTHS
0:10:23 > 0:10:26According to The Sunday Times, what has David Cameron decided to do?
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Resign.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28- No.- Go on holiday.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31No, this is about the TV debate.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34He's going to debate with Nigel Farage.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36He's going for the toughest one first.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39That's right. Cameron is going to take on Farage.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42According to The Sunday Times, Cameron wants the TV debates
0:10:42 > 0:10:44to be in...
0:10:46 > 0:10:50So, that's Cameron-Miliband, Clegg-Miliband-Cameron,
0:10:50 > 0:10:54and Farage-Cameron-Clegg-Miliband with Yaya Toure behind the strikers.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Thank you for laughing, I don't know what that meant.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02And does anyone want to see a television debate in Jordan?
0:11:02 > 0:11:05- Oh, yes.- Yes, please. - Well, let's have a look.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09MEN SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER IN OWN LANGUAGE
0:11:29 > 0:11:32That's what you want to see on Question Time.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36I was just wondering how well this set would stand up
0:11:36 > 0:11:37to that kind of anger.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Well, we got the replacement for Paxman.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44- I loved the way they ended up holding it like a giant tray.- Yeah.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48The giant bit from a box of tissues, at the top.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Maybe they're arguing about the furniture.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56"I'm telling you, this is cheap tat."
0:11:59 > 0:12:01And what has the Daily Mail columnist,
0:12:01 > 0:12:03and wife of Michael Gove, Sarah Vine,
0:12:03 > 0:12:07suggested Cameron should do as a way of winning the next election?
0:12:07 > 0:12:08Listen to his wife.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12It's a disgusting-sounding thing called the Samantha smell test.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16She said that Cameron should put all policies in front
0:12:16 > 0:12:19of Samantha Cameron because she's had such great judgment.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23But if she had such great judgment, would she be Mrs Cameron?
0:12:24 > 0:12:28It's absolutely right. "Any policy must pass the..."
0:12:29 > 0:12:31- Isn't that when Samantha goes... - HE SNIFFS
0:12:31 > 0:12:33"..Is that Rebekah Brooks' perfume?"
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Yes, this is the news that, with a year to go
0:12:40 > 0:12:43until the General Election, Ed Miliband has struck an early blow
0:12:43 > 0:12:46against David Cameron by announcing...
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Well, if there's one thing all the polls tell us,
0:12:51 > 0:12:54it's that the British public love a smug prick.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58According to The Times...
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Well, what she actually says is, "Stop pestering me, Ed.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08"I don't know how I'm going to vote yet."
0:13:08 > 0:13:10One of the proposed TV debates
0:13:10 > 0:13:13will include the three main party leaders,
0:13:13 > 0:13:15plus UKIP leader Nigel Farage and:
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Partly because the Greens actually have one MP,
0:13:20 > 0:13:22but mainly because of a BBC ruling
0:13:22 > 0:13:24that you have to have a woman on the panel.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Ian and Andy...
0:13:28 > 0:13:34It's a satire of the male-dominated political system, Susan. Clearly.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Ian and Andy, take a look at this.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- Ooh.- They're sciencing. - Yeah, look.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45ANDY LAUGHS EVILLY
0:13:45 > 0:13:46Liquid danger.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49- Oh, that's the Chancellor.- Yeah.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51He's going to take a very close look.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53"Ooh, signs of growth."
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Oh, there's Pfizer!
0:13:56 > 0:13:59A p-fabulous company.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01- Oh.- Gosh, he looks sad, doesn't he?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03"My name is Vince Cable
0:14:03 > 0:14:06"and I'm here to share my feelings with the group."
0:14:10 > 0:14:15It's the takeover, proposed, of AstraZeneca by Pfizer.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19They're an American company and it's quite an alarming prospect
0:14:19 > 0:14:21because they have a history of asset-stripping.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23They asked the chief of Pfizer
0:14:23 > 0:14:27whether there was any danger of Pfizer just selling everything off
0:14:27 > 0:14:28once they'd bought it,
0:14:28 > 0:14:32and he said, "We will conserve that optionality."
0:14:34 > 0:14:39- Which is American for yes.- Sounds like Ed Miliband's pillow talk.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44MPs won't want to get on the wrong side of Pfizer,
0:14:44 > 0:14:47because Pfizer make Viagra.
0:14:47 > 0:14:52And they've got lots of young researchers to keep happy, so...
0:14:52 > 0:14:56Are you suggesting they get Viagra free?
0:14:56 > 0:15:01- If we keep saying Viagra enough times, we get a box-load.- Yeah.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05- Does it comes in boxes? - I don't know.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Yeah, Pfizer's main interest is buying the company
0:15:12 > 0:15:17so that they can pretend they're based here for low tax purposes.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19You know, they'll put up a plaque above McDonald's
0:15:19 > 0:15:23somewhere in North London saying, "The Headquarters of Pfizer,"
0:15:23 > 0:15:25and then pay no tax because it's a British company.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28I mean, it's a real scam and Cable said,
0:15:28 > 0:15:31"Oh, we shouldn't be a tax haven, we should be a centre of knowledge.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35"But there's nothing I can do about it, I'm Business Secretary."
0:15:35 > 0:15:40Miliband accused Cameron of being a cheerleader for Pfizer.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43- Give us a P.- You don't say the P.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Forget the P, they're taking it.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48The House of Commons' Business, Innovation and Skills Committee
0:15:48 > 0:15:51has begun an inquiry into the potential takeover.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54What powers do they have to intervene?
0:15:54 > 0:15:55- None.- That's correct.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Meanwhile, why is the Government's new "Crystal Ball Unit"
0:15:59 > 0:16:01causing concern?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Have they fired Madame Arcati?
0:16:04 > 0:16:07This is a genuine unit, it was set up a year ago,
0:16:07 > 0:16:09employing four full-time officials.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11It's actually called...
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Set up to look into the future and identify future threats,
0:16:15 > 0:16:17risks and opportunities for the UK.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21- What's it spotted so far? - Er, nothing.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Nothing is what it has spotted.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27- Absolutely nothing. - That's just utter bollocks.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28They've got people sitting in a room
0:16:28 > 0:16:31going, "I wonder what's going to happen in the future."
0:16:31 > 0:16:33It may as well be Russell Grant. Jesus, come on!
0:16:33 > 0:16:36That's like me getting pissed and just going, "Right,
0:16:36 > 0:16:39"this is what's going to happen, everybody.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41"The world's going to be run by cats."
0:16:41 > 0:16:45Except, the difference is, Susan, they have not even been bothered
0:16:45 > 0:16:49to get pissed and say, "The world's going to be run by cats."
0:16:49 > 0:16:51How do you get on this committee? Four people? Who are they?
0:16:51 > 0:16:56- I think they're just sitting there, counting their blessings.- Yes.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58"I wonder how long this will last."
0:16:58 > 0:17:00And going, "I have no idea."
0:17:05 > 0:17:07In other technology news,
0:17:07 > 0:17:11what has the Ministry of Defence decided to buy 48 of?
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Is it guns?
0:17:13 > 0:17:18- Double our armed forces! - Make it up to a round 100. No.
0:17:18 > 0:17:2148 battleships? That would help.
0:17:21 > 0:17:26- That would be bloody loads.- We can't afford 48 battleships. Tanks?
0:17:26 > 0:17:30- Got to be tanks.- No, in between a battleship and a tank.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32- Bicycles? - No, that's less than a tank.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Is it white flags?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Can you mime it?
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Are these the fighter planes?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Yes, the F-35 Strike Fighter stealth jets.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Well, you could have mimed that, couldn't you?
0:17:45 > 0:17:48No, you can't see them, they're stealth.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51How do we know we've bought them, then?
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Some guy indicates an empty hangar. "Yes, that will be lovely.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56"How many of them? 28? Here we are.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59"I can't find the keys."
0:17:59 > 0:18:02It's not Vince Cable again, is it? Is it Vince Cable?
0:18:04 > 0:18:09The thing is, you say that about them, but despite having cost £1.3bn
0:18:09 > 0:18:12to develop, do you know what the problem with this stealth jet is?
0:18:12 > 0:18:16- It doesn't work.- You CAN see it. - Well, according to the...
0:18:16 > 0:18:19It's very clumsy, it makes a lot of noise.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22According to The Mail on Sunday...
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Its invisibility rating is categorised as...
0:18:30 > 0:18:33..or VLO for short,
0:18:33 > 0:18:36although that can now be shortened even further to just O.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41This is Pfizer's hostile takeover of AstraZeneca.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44That will come as news to George Bush, because AstraZeneca was
0:18:44 > 0:18:47top of his list of countries to invade before he left office.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51According to the Daily Mail, the drug company merger would...
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Or as Pfizer put it, in very small print,
0:18:58 > 0:18:59"May cause side effects."
0:19:01 > 0:19:02Here's another for you.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09AUDIENCE GASP
0:19:09 > 0:19:11This is the World Championship last week,
0:19:11 > 0:19:14and he missed a very easy pink there,
0:19:14 > 0:19:16which would have made it 12 frames each.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19This is the shocking news that Ronnie "The Rocket" O'Sullivan
0:19:19 > 0:19:21missed an absolute sitter on the pink
0:19:21 > 0:19:24and threw away the World Snooker Championship.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Very unlike Ronnie to miss a shot like that.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28It was the sort of shot an eight-year-old could have potted,
0:19:28 > 0:19:30and here she is, doing it.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39That's exactly the same height as I am next to a snooker table.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Yes, that was eight-year-old Jodie McNie.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46Why is that ironic in the light of some remarks this week?
0:19:46 > 0:19:50Well, because an eight-year-old girl was good enough to get a pot
0:19:50 > 0:19:52that a boring, middle-aged bloke missed.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54I don't know if he's boring or middle-aged,
0:19:54 > 0:19:56I'm just projecting my prejudices onto the sport.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Would you prefer it if it was played on horseback?
0:19:59 > 0:20:03I don't want to be rude about Jodie McNie,
0:20:03 > 0:20:07- but we don't have any evidence that that was her first go.- Ah.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11I'm not saying it wasn't, I'm just saying it may not have been.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14You're calling an eight-year-old girl a liar and a cheat on television.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16That's what you're saying.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18- Wow.- The irony is that only a few days ago,
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Steve "Interesting" Davis said
0:20:20 > 0:20:22that even though the competition is open to women,
0:20:22 > 0:20:25a woman would never win the World Snooker Championship.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27What Steve said was:
0:20:36 > 0:20:39And how did the outraged women of the snooker world react?
0:20:39 > 0:20:43You're looking at me like I'm their representative.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45This is very much like David Cameron's Cabinet
0:20:45 > 0:20:47at this precise moment in time.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49I feel very much at home. Let's close a hospital.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Well, the world number one female snooker player,
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Maria Catalano, said:
0:21:01 > 0:21:05You know, she's not a biologist, she's a snooker player.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07The new snooker world champion, Mark Selby,
0:21:07 > 0:21:10is of course known to everyone as the...
0:21:10 > 0:21:11Jester from Leicester.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12The Jester from Leicester.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16On which remarkable sociocultural phenomenon did this victory
0:21:16 > 0:21:20put the cherry on the cake...on the tin lid of the top of on it?
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- Is there a question in the middle of all that?- Leicester.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28As we speak, the winners of the snooker,
0:21:28 > 0:21:29the rugby union premiership,
0:21:29 > 0:21:32the First Division football championship,
0:21:32 > 0:21:34the X Factor, the Great British Bake Off
0:21:34 > 0:21:39- and the Great British Sewing Bee all come from Leicester.- Fantastic.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Good old Leicester.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44# Leicester, Leicester... #
0:21:45 > 0:21:48You'll notice that most snooker players have a nickname.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Jester from Leicester, Rocket Ronnie,
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Hurricane Higgins, Steve "Interesting" Davis.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57Shall we have a bit of fun and play Guess The Snooker Nickname?
0:21:57 > 0:22:01- Yes, please.- So, easy one to start with. Nigel Bond.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- 00...- You're half right. - 007.
0:22:03 > 0:22:0500...
0:22:05 > 0:22:06147.
0:22:09 > 0:22:14- Peter Ebdon?- Peter Ebdon. Oh, the Professor!- I'll give you a clue.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18- It's a variation on the Terminator theme.- Robot Man! The Robot.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22- Exterminator.- You're close.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24- It's the Ebdonator.- Oh!
0:22:24 > 0:22:25The Ebdonator.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Matthew Couch.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30- The Couchernator.- Yep!
0:22:30 > 0:22:33No! No, no, no.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35No, I don't want that to be true.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38And finally, Anthony Hamilton.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41I'll give you a clue - it's not to do with Terminator.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45- But he is from Nottingham.- The Sheriff.- I'm going to tell you.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49- The Sheriff of Pottingham.- Oh!
0:22:50 > 0:22:53I think they must have just thought of that
0:22:53 > 0:22:56and then told him to take up snooker.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59This is the news that Ronnie O'Sullivan didn't win
0:22:59 > 0:23:00the World Snooker Championships.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03After losing the final in Sheffield, Ronnie O'Sullivan said:
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Which is a remarkable thing to say about Sheffield.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12And so to Round Two - The Picture Spin Quiz.
0:23:12 > 0:23:13Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19- BUZZER - Yes, Ian and Andy?
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Are you not allowed to cheat in exams any more?
0:23:23 > 0:23:26This was a sign that was put up in an examination hall.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28It said, "No cheating", you know?
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Just telling people, "Don't cheat in the exam."
0:23:31 > 0:23:34But the formulae written on the hand is actually genuine stuff,
0:23:34 > 0:23:37and so they were able to look at the poster...
0:23:37 > 0:23:39and answer some of the mathematical questions
0:23:39 > 0:23:41based on what was written on the poster.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43- Is that right? - That is absolutely right.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Yes, this is the news that Plymouth University has had to
0:23:49 > 0:23:53take down anti-cheating posters, as they were helping students to cheat.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56In other mistake news,
0:23:56 > 0:23:59why have Google been suffering from rogue anuses?
0:23:59 > 0:24:04Oh, yes! Yes! Yes, this is...
0:24:04 > 0:24:06"Yes! Yes!"
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11There's a computer programme which misreads old print,
0:24:11 > 0:24:14so "arms" comes out as "anus". So, "Farewell to anus..."
0:24:14 > 0:24:18"I draped my anus across her shoulder in a comforting manner..."
0:24:18 > 0:24:20This is what's happening. This is what's happening.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23It sounds as if I'm making it up, but I'm not, am I, David?
0:24:23 > 0:24:24You're not making it up.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27The scanning technology they use to turn books into e-books
0:24:27 > 0:24:31can't differentiate between "arms" and "anus" in certain typefaces.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Here's a quote from John Mackay Wilson's
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Tales Of The Borders...
0:24:49 > 0:24:53From Georgina Bragg's Matisse On The Loose...
0:24:59 > 0:25:02And in The Complete Works Of Washington Irving,
0:25:02 > 0:25:03there's a reference to...
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Are there any other words that Google Books'
0:25:11 > 0:25:14- scanning technology has confused? - Yeah, it can't do "tax".
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Yes, it reads "tax" as "free".
0:25:20 > 0:25:23No, it's "burn" and "bum" that get muddled up, as well.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27As in a patent for a carrier for an integrated circuit that talks of...
0:25:30 > 0:25:34God. Scotland, what happens? It's Bums Night?
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Where they all join anuses and sing Auld Lang Syne?
0:25:48 > 0:25:52It's not just Google who forget to check that words are right.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Has anyone seen any mistakes on the BBC recently?
0:25:56 > 0:25:57No, not one.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Here's one, for a start.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06And here's another one...
0:26:12 > 0:26:14And here's another one...
0:26:19 > 0:26:21And, finally, this one may not be a mistake,
0:26:21 > 0:26:23this may just be honest captioning.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26"Nobody cares."
0:26:28 > 0:26:31This is Plymouth University's "No Cheating" poster
0:26:31 > 0:26:33which helped students to cheat.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35The poster features formulae used to calculate
0:26:35 > 0:26:37infinitesimally small probabilities -
0:26:37 > 0:26:39for instance, the probability of getting a job
0:26:39 > 0:26:42with a degree from Plymouth University.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Also in the news, is new digitising software
0:26:44 > 0:26:48which can't tell the difference between "arms" and "anus".
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Neither can Nigel Evans after a few pints.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52AUDIENCE OOHS
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Arm-wrestling match?
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:27:02 > 0:27:03BUZZER
0:27:03 > 0:27:08- Yes?- Salmon have been sold as Scottish salmon which aren't.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11They've been passing off... Is it Norwegian?
0:27:11 > 0:27:15You're absolutely right. It's both Norwegian salmon and Chilean salmon.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Which I've never heard of.
0:27:17 > 0:27:21But they've been passed off as Scottish salmon, it is alleged.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Is there an essential difference between these salmons
0:27:23 > 0:27:25- that we would tell? - Yes.- What is that?
0:27:25 > 0:27:29- The Scottish salmon are from Scotland and the other ones are not.- I see.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31After independence, will the salmon
0:27:31 > 0:27:34returning to its spawning ground need a passport
0:27:34 > 0:27:36if the river is the wrong side of the border?
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Do you get those waterproof bags to put...
0:27:38 > 0:27:42If you go, like, swimming, like hardcore swimming, like...eh...
0:27:42 > 0:27:45That you get these waterproof bags, so your wallet's inside,
0:27:45 > 0:27:48so all the salmon would have to have like a backpack...
0:27:48 > 0:27:50And given that they've got fins,
0:27:50 > 0:27:53it might slip off because they haven't got any shoulders,
0:27:53 > 0:27:55so you'd have to make shoulders for fish, so...
0:27:55 > 0:27:58So that's what's going to happen if Scotland's independent.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00You're going to blow the national budget
0:28:00 > 0:28:02on loads of backpacks for salmon.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06The salmon don't just swim in Scotland, do they?
0:28:06 > 0:28:09They swim across the world, don't they?
0:28:09 > 0:28:10They do, yes.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12ANDY: So lots of countries could claim them?
0:28:12 > 0:28:14SUSAN: Yes, but they can't claim they're Scottish.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16I don't think many salmon one year swim up a river
0:28:16 > 0:28:20in Scotland to spawn and then say, "Next year, how about Chile?"
0:28:20 > 0:28:25- No, but...- They might do if they want to get rid of the backpacks.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27How have the Chilean salmon been passed off as Scottish?
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Put them in kilts.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34Put in packets marked "Produce of Scotland".
0:28:34 > 0:28:35Bang on.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38The St James Smokehouse, based in Dumfries and Galloway,
0:28:38 > 0:28:41are alleged to have been writing "Scottish" on packets of cheap,
0:28:41 > 0:28:42imported Chilean or Norwegian salmon,
0:28:42 > 0:28:45claiming it's the more expensive Scottish variety.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47They'll make a film about that one day.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49It sounds like an intense corporate intrigue,
0:28:49 > 0:28:52a man buying Chilean salmon and selling it as Scottish.
0:28:52 > 0:28:56- Get Danny Dyer in the lead, you've got a winner.- Can he swim?
0:28:56 > 0:28:59No, but he can do a great Scottish accent, Danny Dyer.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01If you just push a little bit, off a cliff.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04He'd get adopted by Scottish salmon and then he has to blend in.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06- MOCK CHILEAN ACCENT: - "It's not good for me.
0:29:06 > 0:29:08"I'd never understand."
0:29:08 > 0:29:10- MOCK GLASWEGIAN:- "No, you could be just like us."
0:29:10 > 0:29:11"It's so hard for me."
0:29:11 > 0:29:15"No, listen, we're Scottish salmon! You swim up that river!
0:29:15 > 0:29:17"You show what it's all aboot!"
0:29:23 > 0:29:26The St James Smokehouse deny this.
0:29:26 > 0:29:28They say they're just selling Scottish salmon.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30According to The Herald...
0:29:33 > 0:29:35..as you have to pay for the batter.
0:29:39 > 0:29:42Does anyone want to see an extract from a French cookery programme?
0:29:42 > 0:29:44- Mmm!- Yes, please!- Mais oui.
0:29:44 > 0:29:46Unfortunately, no-one noticed the cat.
0:29:46 > 0:29:48NARRATOR SPEAKS FRENCH
0:30:02 > 0:30:05That might be a gong to indicate dinner is served.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07Nobody noticed!
0:30:07 > 0:30:10Yeah, you dubbed that noise on, didn't you?
0:30:10 > 0:30:12If they didn't notice, you must have dubbed the noise on.
0:30:12 > 0:30:15This is the court case over fake Scottish salmon.
0:30:15 > 0:30:18The Scottish origins of any fish are all a question of perception.
0:30:18 > 0:30:20After all, a salmon from Chile has spent about
0:30:20 > 0:30:23as much of its life in Scotland as Sean Connery has.
0:30:26 > 0:30:28Time now for the Odd One Out Round.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31It's one between you this week. Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:30:31 > 0:30:32Your four are...
0:30:32 > 0:30:34Albert Einstein,
0:30:34 > 0:30:35Michelangelo's David,
0:30:35 > 0:30:37Pinocchio
0:30:37 > 0:30:38and Achilles.
0:30:38 > 0:30:40BUZZER
0:30:40 > 0:30:41- Yes?- Michelangelo's David,
0:30:41 > 0:30:43or Da-veed or whatever it is, that's cracking up a bit.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46It needs repairing. It's beginning to sort of, like,
0:30:46 > 0:30:47disintegrate slightly.
0:30:47 > 0:30:51And that's Brad Pitt, isn't it? But it's Achilles, the god.
0:30:51 > 0:30:54He obviously had an Achilles heel so that's a sort of weakness.
0:30:54 > 0:30:56It's a weakness in the leg. Pinocchio had weak legs
0:30:56 > 0:30:59as they were made of wood and Albert Einstein's the odd one out.
0:31:00 > 0:31:02I bet that's right.
0:31:02 > 0:31:04You're in the right area but that's not the right odd one out.
0:31:04 > 0:31:07No, I didn't think it was. I ran out of thoughts on that one.
0:31:07 > 0:31:12There was a study that said Pinocchio could only have told 13 lies
0:31:12 > 0:31:14and then he'd have fallen over.
0:31:14 > 0:31:17It's about them all having a problem with a part of their body.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19Albert Einstein, was he very short-sighted?
0:31:19 > 0:31:21- No, it can't be that. - It's not to do with that.
0:31:21 > 0:31:23- Was it his ankle? - Just below his ankle.
0:31:23 > 0:31:28- Oh, right.- His toes. His big toes.- Heel.- His foot.
0:31:28 > 0:31:30LAUGHTER
0:31:30 > 0:31:34- Einstein's foot.- Albert Einstein's foot.- Yeah.- And Achilles'...- Heel.
0:31:34 > 0:31:39- ..foot.- Michelangelo's leg, the calf. Pinocchio's nose.
0:31:39 > 0:31:40So the odd one out...
0:31:40 > 0:31:43- Pinocchio.- That's right. Well done.
0:31:43 > 0:31:45APPLAUSE
0:31:49 > 0:31:52They all have a problem with their feet, apart from Pinocchio
0:31:52 > 0:31:56who, it has just been discovered, has a problem with his head.
0:31:56 > 0:31:58Researchers at the University of Leicester have discovered
0:31:58 > 0:32:03Pinocchio would only have been able to tell 13 lies before his neck
0:32:03 > 0:32:05snapped under the weight of his nose.
0:32:05 > 0:32:08Oh, is that because he's fictional?
0:32:08 > 0:32:11He's not fictional, he's a real boy.
0:32:12 > 0:32:14He is now.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17Another study that the same students have done was...
0:32:23 > 0:32:29- So...- Does he?- No.- I think Tigger might be bipolar.- Oh, definitely.
0:32:30 > 0:32:34When you think about it, Winnie the Pooh is quite sluggish, isn't he?
0:32:36 > 0:32:40- Yeah.- He could have a deficiency, couldn't he?
0:32:40 > 0:32:43He gets that from the honey, though, the B12. Isn't that in the honey?
0:32:43 > 0:32:45- Maybe that's why he craves the honey so much.- Of course, yeah.
0:32:47 > 0:32:49I won't be able to watch it when I get home now.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53According to Homer's Iliad, Achilles was the Greeks' greatest warrior
0:32:53 > 0:32:57during the Trojan War and was invulnerable, save for his heel.
0:32:57 > 0:32:59He was dipped by his mother in the Styx.
0:32:59 > 0:33:02Yeah, but why didn't she hold him by the hair,
0:33:02 > 0:33:05and then you could cut the hair off afterwards?
0:33:05 > 0:33:08Then somebody said, why didn't she just dip him in,
0:33:08 > 0:33:10and then she'd have an invulnerable hand,
0:33:10 > 0:33:12which would be great for baking.
0:33:12 > 0:33:13Imagine if you had one hand,
0:33:13 > 0:33:16and you could just take things straight out of the oven.
0:33:17 > 0:33:20You can see what a great actor Brad Pitt is there because, look,
0:33:20 > 0:33:23he looks like Achilles there and he was that black newsreader earlier.
0:33:25 > 0:33:29- Fantastic.- He's got real range, hasn't he?- And Einstein...
0:33:29 > 0:33:33- Yes, Einstein.- Do you know what the thing with him was...?
0:33:33 > 0:33:34He had a slight limp.
0:33:34 > 0:33:36- He had arches.- Polio.
0:33:36 > 0:33:39He had flat and sweaty feet,
0:33:39 > 0:33:43for which reason he was rejected by the Swiss military.
0:33:43 > 0:33:46Pinocchio's creator Geppetto was a lonely old man who
0:33:46 > 0:33:49longed for a little boy to play with, so he made one out of wood.
0:33:49 > 0:33:51I don't know what wood.
0:33:51 > 0:33:52Yewtree?
0:33:54 > 0:33:57Scientists in Florence have warned that
0:33:57 > 0:33:59Michelangelo's David has weak ankles.
0:33:59 > 0:34:01Don't worry, David, no-one's looking at your ankles,
0:34:01 > 0:34:03they're looking at your tiny cock...
0:34:04 > 0:34:07..is what they used to say to me at school.
0:34:07 > 0:34:09LAUGHTER
0:34:09 > 0:34:11Oh!
0:34:11 > 0:34:13SUSAN LAUGHS
0:34:14 > 0:34:16Wasn't it part of the school song?
0:34:20 > 0:34:24Several tourists who've been to see Michelangelo's David have
0:34:24 > 0:34:26noticed a large crack. But only when they wandered round the back.
0:34:26 > 0:34:28I knew that was coming.
0:34:28 > 0:34:31Time now for the missing words round, which features this week
0:34:31 > 0:34:34as its guest publication, Chimney Journal.
0:34:34 > 0:34:38I must warn you, there's some really filthy stuff inside.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40And we start with...
0:34:43 > 0:34:44Is it "deny all charges"?
0:34:46 > 0:34:48It is simply...
0:34:52 > 0:34:53We knew that.
0:34:53 > 0:34:57This is from an advert for chimney pots which are available in...
0:34:59 > 0:35:00Feel free to Google.
0:35:05 > 0:35:07Next...
0:35:10 > 0:35:12ANDY: String theory...
0:35:12 > 0:35:14is Hull's answer to questions
0:35:14 > 0:35:16about the fundamental nature of the universe.
0:35:16 > 0:35:18No?
0:35:18 > 0:35:23- SUSAN: Hull is Hull's answer to Leicester.- Yes, exactly.
0:35:23 > 0:35:25Chim Chimney...
0:35:25 > 0:35:29Is Hull's answer to song.
0:35:29 > 0:35:31It's not a chimney one.
0:35:31 > 0:35:33Reaching for the scraps of popular culture
0:35:33 > 0:35:35that have somehow entered your brain, Ian?
0:35:35 > 0:35:36Yes. That one went straight in.
0:35:36 > 0:35:39It was when I first learned about cockneys.
0:35:42 > 0:35:46"It was a wonderful, wonderful documentary I saw from the 1960s."
0:35:46 > 0:35:49The answer is:
0:35:53 > 0:35:55This is a newly discovered,
0:35:55 > 0:35:59prehistoric landmass which once lay off the coast of Hull.
0:35:59 > 0:36:02The area north-west of Hull was abandoned 8000 years ago
0:36:02 > 0:36:04after a tsunami.
0:36:04 > 0:36:06A desolate and uninhabitable wasteland...
0:36:06 > 0:36:09Hull is nevertheless currently the UK City of Culture.
0:36:10 > 0:36:14I thought Doggerland would be a dodgy theme park.
0:36:14 > 0:36:17The car park's very popular.
0:36:17 > 0:36:18Next:
0:36:21 > 0:36:23Is it housing opportunities?
0:36:24 > 0:36:26Just sit there in their homes,
0:36:26 > 0:36:29not allowing any other mice on the ladder.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31Squeaking and hoarding cheese.
0:36:31 > 0:36:35- Jobs? Opportunities.- Youth?
0:36:35 > 0:36:38ANDY: It is youth, something like youth.
0:36:38 > 0:36:40- Old mice take youth from young mice. - It's not youth.
0:36:40 > 0:36:42Blood? Vampire mice.
0:36:42 > 0:36:45The answer is blood, correct.
0:36:45 > 0:36:47It's actually a very important story,
0:36:47 > 0:36:50because they've done this experiment
0:36:50 > 0:36:51and they discovered that
0:36:51 > 0:36:55if they injected the blood from young mice into old mice,
0:36:55 > 0:36:57then their cognitive functions improved
0:36:57 > 0:37:00and they became mentally much younger.
0:37:00 > 0:37:06They stopped launching into rambling anecdotes...
0:37:06 > 0:37:10about how cheese used to be nicer and cats used to be faster.
0:37:10 > 0:37:13But, but...
0:37:13 > 0:37:15It's going to have huge ramifications,
0:37:15 > 0:37:21because it might be a treatment in the future to reverse old age.
0:37:21 > 0:37:24It does raise that nightmare scenario
0:37:24 > 0:37:27of rich elderly people farming teenagers.
0:37:29 > 0:37:32It would solve youth unemployment. ANDY: Yeah.
0:37:32 > 0:37:36- You don't have to get a job, just sit there and bleed.- Yeah.
0:37:36 > 0:37:39It's a reality TV show.
0:37:39 > 0:37:40It's the logical conclusion
0:37:40 > 0:37:43of what we've been doing to young people as well, isn't it?
0:37:43 > 0:37:46We've made it so that they can't afford anywhere to live,
0:37:46 > 0:37:49and we've made them pay through the nose for their education,
0:37:49 > 0:37:52and now we are going to take their blood.
0:37:52 > 0:37:53Next:
0:37:55 > 0:37:56Sat nav.
0:37:58 > 0:38:00Eamonn Holmes.
0:38:00 > 0:38:02ANDY: Is it Radio 5?
0:38:02 > 0:38:05It's Radio 5. That is correct.
0:38:05 > 0:38:07- That's brilliant.- No, it's not. I just read the paper.
0:38:07 > 0:38:09LAUGHTER
0:38:09 > 0:38:10I must try that.
0:38:10 > 0:38:12Electromagnetic noise from AM broadcast signals could be
0:38:12 > 0:38:15disrupting the migratory flight path of birds.
0:38:15 > 0:38:17This may sound like a flimsy excuse
0:38:17 > 0:38:20to ban Nicky Campbell's 5 Live Breakfast Show,
0:38:20 > 0:38:22but right now it's the best we've got.
0:38:22 > 0:38:23Next...
0:38:27 > 0:38:29Sweep your chimney once a year.
0:38:31 > 0:38:35SUSAN: If you want to burn solid fuel, do it, no-one's stopping you.
0:38:35 > 0:38:39Try old copies of the Daily Telegraph.
0:38:39 > 0:38:43This would take a lot of specialist chimney knowledge, actually.
0:38:43 > 0:38:44The answer is...
0:38:44 > 0:38:47- Is it about lining the chimney? - I don't even know.
0:38:48 > 0:38:52I don't really know the meaning of the words I'm about to read out.
0:38:58 > 0:39:00A Carlisle Blow Down is a type of chimney pot
0:39:00 > 0:39:02featured in Chimney Journal.
0:39:03 > 0:39:04The article begins:
0:39:14 > 0:39:17"..Oh, my God, look out! You've just driven into a bus stop!"
0:39:19 > 0:39:20Next:
0:39:24 > 0:39:26ANDY: Will not be allowed treatment on the NHS.
0:39:27 > 0:39:29Will not be tolerated in UKIP.
0:39:32 > 0:39:34Between you, you've got it, really. It's...
0:39:38 > 0:39:40Oh, yes.
0:39:40 > 0:39:41And finally...
0:39:45 > 0:39:47Not attracting enough women.
0:39:52 > 0:39:53It's not just knobs, is it?
0:39:55 > 0:39:58SUSAN: Have lots of knobs.
0:39:58 > 0:40:00ANDY: They're all criminal offences.
0:40:00 > 0:40:01The answer is...
0:40:03 > 0:40:05A waste of time for eunuchs? No, sorry, go on.
0:40:13 > 0:40:17This is the knob-throwing contest and food festival in Cattistock.
0:40:17 > 0:40:20According to BBC News Online...
0:40:26 > 0:40:29What a sad day it is when the BBC gets a cheap laugh
0:40:29 > 0:40:30out of saying the word knob.
0:40:30 > 0:40:31SOME LAUGHTER
0:40:31 > 0:40:33Oh, dear, I was hoping for another one.
0:40:33 > 0:40:36So, the final scores are,
0:40:36 > 0:40:38Ian and Andy have ten points
0:40:38 > 0:40:40and Susan and Paul have nine points.
0:40:40 > 0:40:42APPLAUSE
0:40:47 > 0:40:49On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:40:49 > 0:40:51Ian Hislop and Andy Hamilton,
0:40:51 > 0:40:52Paul Merton and Susan Calman,
0:40:52 > 0:40:55and I leave you with news that, in Bracknell,
0:40:55 > 0:40:57one disgruntled office worker
0:40:57 > 0:41:00is strangely reluctant to discuss his problem.
0:41:04 > 0:41:07The inventors congratulate themselves as they unveil
0:41:07 > 0:41:10the world's first animatronic football presenter.
0:41:16 > 0:41:19And after an arduous royal visit to Australia,
0:41:19 > 0:41:23the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge say goodbye to Nicholas Witchell.
0:41:27 > 0:41:28Good night.