0:00:26 > 0:00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:32This programme contains some strong language
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42I'm Jo Brand.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43In the news this week,
0:00:43 > 0:00:47in Moscow on his drive-past at an anti-gay parade,
0:00:47 > 0:00:51Vladimir Putin wears a dangerously fetching cologne.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56LAUGHTER
0:00:56 > 0:00:59At a local laundry, Vince Cable suspects that staff
0:00:59 > 0:01:02may not be taking sufficient care of his underpants.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06LAUGHTER
0:01:08 > 0:01:12And as England's training for the World Cup begins,
0:01:12 > 0:01:17Roy Hodgson denies he's petrified of losing key players through injury.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20LAUGHTER
0:01:21 > 0:01:25On Ian's team tonight is a Tory MP who's supported
0:01:25 > 0:01:28the Conservative Party since the age of five.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Indeed, one of the proudest moments of his childhood
0:01:31 > 0:01:34was getting a Panini sticker of Willie Whitelaw.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Please welcome Jacob Rees-Mogg.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40APPLAUSE
0:01:42 > 0:01:44And with Paul tonight is a Scottish comedian
0:01:44 > 0:01:47who recently did a gig in a prison.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Still, the state of showbiz these days,
0:01:49 > 0:01:51that's just networking.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Please welcome Kevin Bridges.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56APPLAUSE
0:01:58 > 0:02:01And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Paul and Kevin, take a look at this.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07Ah, yes, that's Gary Barlow a long time ago, when he was really poor,
0:02:07 > 0:02:09and this is about tax, isn't it?
0:02:09 > 0:02:12He's had to pay tax which he hadn't paid before.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14That's his accountant, by the look of it.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17True, so it was true, it was his accountant.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Yes, it's about Gary Barlow... What's the polite way of putting it?
0:02:20 > 0:02:21- ..not paying tax.- Absolutely.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Along with Gary Barlow, anybody else related to...?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Other people in Take That, there were.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30- Indeed. Not all of them - Mark Owen and Howard Donald.- Yes.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32- Jason Orange didn't.- Oh, I'm glad,
0:02:32 > 0:02:34cos he was the one I liked.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35LAUGHTER
0:02:35 > 0:02:40Plus their manager. Any idea who Take That's manager is?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Jacob.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- I'm afraid I don't know the answer to that question.- No.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47No, that's rather stumped me.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48His name's Jonathan Wild.
0:02:48 > 0:02:53Together, they put 66 million into a music investment scheme.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Anyone know what it was called?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- Iceberg?- Icebreaker.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00It's Icebreaker 2, The Taxman Cometh.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06Ian, you're quite intelligent - how does the scheme work, do you know?
0:03:06 > 0:03:07It's very, very complex.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10You decide you're very rich and you don't want to pay any tax,
0:03:10 > 0:03:12and then you decide not to.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14LAUGHTER
0:03:14 > 0:03:19It was investing in young musicians, and they lost 25.2 million.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22So who knows what they were teaching the young musicians?
0:03:22 > 0:03:24How to play a Steinway piano with a sledgehammer.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28It's got to arouse some suspicion.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30I think you back bands a bit like you
0:03:30 > 0:03:31and then they don't make any money
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- and then you get to keep the profit. - Oh, I see.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37- So Take That might be investing in somebody called Take This?- Yeah.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Or Don't Take This, it should be.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43Anyone know who else signed up to the tax avoidance scheme?
0:03:43 > 0:03:44Terry Venables?
0:03:44 > 0:03:48- Indeed.- At least he's always presented himself as a bit dodgy,
0:03:48 > 0:03:50so...
0:03:50 > 0:03:54And Colin Jackson? How could he have made that kind of money...
0:03:54 > 0:03:56hurdling?
0:03:56 > 0:03:57Maybe he just invested a bit less,
0:03:57 > 0:04:00like 40 quid or something.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03He's just seen it as being at the bookies,
0:04:03 > 0:04:04- thought he would...- Absolutely.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07That's probably sounder financial advice - 66 million?
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Just stick it on a greyhound, and if it comes in,
0:04:10 > 0:04:11you can pay your tax bill.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13If you won, it would be tax exempt,
0:04:13 > 0:04:15because gambling winnings are exempt from tax,
0:04:15 > 0:04:17so perhaps you've just designed a new tax avoidance scheme
0:04:17 > 0:04:20on Have I Got News For You. - Yes.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24I would just like to say, a very high-risk tax avoidance scheme.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27It could be a money avoidance scheme.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29The Prime Minister said that we shouldn't judge Mr Barlow
0:04:29 > 0:04:33too harshly and he shouldn't have to give back his OBE.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36- I completely agree with the Prime Minister.- Do you?- Yes.
0:04:36 > 0:04:37LAUGHTER
0:04:37 > 0:04:39I find that hugely surprising.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43I...I... I always completely agree with the Prime Minister.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45He always says wise and good things and I think this was
0:04:45 > 0:04:47a particularly wise and good thing for him to say.
0:04:47 > 0:04:52But Gary Barlow was actually by far the biggest investor and apparently,
0:04:52 > 0:04:55when you've managed to avoid 20 million in tax, you do get a medal.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Oh, all right, it is his OBE,
0:05:00 > 0:05:03and David Cameron doesn't think he should give it back. He said:
0:05:05 > 0:05:07LAUGHTER
0:05:07 > 0:05:10True, especially when it comes to not paying for its care homes,
0:05:10 > 0:05:11hospitals and schools.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15Mr Barlow will have to pay all his tax, because the scheme didn't work.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Actually, for once, the tax system is working.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21This scheme fails and the tax is all due
0:05:21 > 0:05:24and now there's going to be tax paid of tens of millions of pounds on it,
0:05:24 > 0:05:28unlike the Jimmy Carr scheme, where no tax seems to have been collected.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31So, actually, for once, the tax system has worked efficiently.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Inadvertently.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36No! LAUGHTER
0:05:36 > 0:05:37I have to say, David Cameron went on:
0:05:42 > 0:05:44So was Jimmy Savile's.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46AUDIENCE GROANS
0:05:49 > 0:05:53The Royal Variety Show must have a pretty impressive alumni
0:05:53 > 0:05:56of tax dodgers and paedophiles by now.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58So does this show, if we're honest!
0:05:58 > 0:06:01LAUGHTER
0:06:01 > 0:06:04David Cameron in PMQs cleverly used some Take That lyrics
0:06:04 > 0:06:06when asked about Gary Barlow.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09I should really be doing Gilbert and Sullivan lyrics with you.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- It's a bit modern for me. - Oh, I do beg your pardon.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15If you did Greensleeves, that might be...
0:06:15 > 0:06:17OK. David Cameron actually said:
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- Do you know that song, Back For Good?- Yes.- No.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Whenever I'm wrong, just tell me the song and I'll sing it.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27- Yes. - SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE
0:06:27 > 0:06:30It continues. Thank you. A woman up the back there
0:06:30 > 0:06:32that couldn't get into Graham Norton this evening.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35LAUGHTER
0:06:35 > 0:06:37APPLAUSE
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Hardly a unique experience.
0:06:43 > 0:06:48What has David Cameron failed to do himself after more than two years?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51He hasn't paid any tax for two years? That can't be right.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- He's the Prime Minister.- He hasn't published his own tax returns,
0:06:54 > 0:06:56despite a promise that he would.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59According to the Independent, his official spokesman said:
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Yeah, and I'm committed to the principle
0:07:07 > 0:07:10of not eating three chunky Kit Kats in a row.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11LAUGHTER
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Don't mean it's going to happen, though, does it?
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Have a little patience.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- Patience, that's a...- Card game?
0:07:23 > 0:07:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Well, it is a card game, but it's also a Take That song as well.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33- Oh, I had no idea.- It's a Gilbert and Sullivan opera, too!
0:07:33 > 0:07:35LAUGHTER
0:07:35 > 0:07:39Let's move to other tax issues. What's wrong with this Labour poster?
0:07:39 > 0:07:43Oh, none of the things pay VAT, or the majority of them don't.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- That's right.- And it's the weekly shopping of an alcoholic
0:07:46 > 0:07:48OCD sufferer on a juicing duet.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Well, it's claiming the Government is increasing VAT
0:07:54 > 0:07:57and it's costing the average family £450 extra.
0:07:57 > 0:08:03But you'd have to spend £21,600 a year on VAT taxed goods
0:08:03 > 0:08:06for it to cost you an extra 450 quid.
0:08:06 > 0:08:11As you said, healthy items shown aren't subject to VAT,
0:08:11 > 0:08:14including peas, oil and the chocolate chip cookies.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15According to VAT rules:
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Our VAT regulations all derive from the European Union.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33So is there some sort of plot?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Is it a Belgian chocolate scam?
0:08:35 > 0:08:39I don't want to come over all Farage-y, but, er...
0:08:39 > 0:08:43You don't buy Jaffa Cakes as well - Jaffa Cakes are not biscuits,
0:08:43 > 0:08:46they are cakes, and therefore exempt from VAT.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50- So what is it? Biscuits go soft, cakes go hard.- Absolutely.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52My husband's a biscuit.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59Does anyone want to hear the exciting news on Cilla Black?
0:08:59 > 0:09:01- Yes!- What's happened? - Well, have a look.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05The TV presenter Cilla Black is to be honoured with the TV bastard...
0:09:05 > 0:09:10the TV BAFTAs in recognition of her outstanding contribution to entertainment.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13A TV bastard.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17This is the row over Gary Barlow,
0:09:17 > 0:09:20which has confirmed his status as a national treasure...
0:09:20 > 0:09:21thief.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Since his tax avoidance was revealed,
0:09:26 > 0:09:29there have been calls for Gary Barlow to return his OBE
0:09:29 > 0:09:31to the Queen. Quite right.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34After all, she's been dutifully paying her tax
0:09:34 > 0:09:36ever since she was 67.
0:09:37 > 0:09:42According to the Telegraph, for Take That to pay off their tax bill:
0:09:45 > 0:09:46Well, I say "world tour",
0:09:46 > 0:09:49it's 14 nights at the Cayman Islands Arena.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Some of the figures... It's, like, £4 billion goes offshore in the UK.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Just as well we brought in the bedroom tax,
0:09:57 > 0:10:00or the country could have been in a pretty bad way.
0:10:00 > 0:10:01HE TUTS
0:10:01 > 0:10:04LAUGHTER
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- I'm obviously trying to be ironic there, I'm not...- Of course.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Jacob's sitting there nodding.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Ian and Jacob, take a look at this.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Well, these are zombies. It's the zombie Cabinet!
0:10:17 > 0:10:19JACOB: The zombie Parliament.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21The zombie Parliament - how rude of me, sorry!
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Because Parliament was probed yesterday
0:10:24 > 0:10:27and will be back on 4th June,
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- and then we will have a... IAN:- Is this you?!
0:10:30 > 0:10:33No, that's certainly not me! The Conservatives
0:10:33 > 0:10:36and the Lib Dems have run out of things that they agree on.
0:10:36 > 0:10:41And so actually, they...they... Events are running into the sand.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43- Haven't you agreed on the fact you hate each other?- No!
0:10:43 > 0:10:46They're delightful, charming people. LAUGHTER
0:10:46 > 0:10:48You're being silly now, Jacob.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51No, no. In a social context. Um, their...
0:10:51 > 0:10:53LAUGHTER
0:10:53 > 0:10:58Their views on public policy leave something to be desired.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00So, what happens? Do you just do nothing for the next year?
0:11:00 > 0:11:04We'll pass some legislation. There won't be a great deal.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08Parliaments pass law after law, half of them
0:11:08 > 0:11:11repeating or contradicting what they passed a few years before.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13It's better to let the law settle down
0:11:13 > 0:11:17and for people to get on with their lives without politicians interfering.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20OK. How about you don't come back for five years, any of you?
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Well, Belgium didn't have a government for 14 months or something
0:11:24 > 0:11:26and nobody really noticed.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27LAUGHTER
0:11:29 > 0:11:32I don't think we want as a country to be over-governed.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35I think we want Parliament to be there to hold the Government to account,
0:11:35 > 0:11:38but not an endless sausage machine of legislation.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41That doesn't actually do any good for the country.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45Right, well, that's a sort of campaign speech for the No Government Party!
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Even if they haven't got any ideas left or laws to make,
0:11:50 > 0:11:52what is Parliament for?
0:11:52 > 0:11:55It's to hold the Government to account and seek redress of grievance
0:11:55 > 0:11:59- for one's constituents.- Correct. Er, would...?
0:11:59 > 0:12:00LAUGHTER
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Jacob, would you like to be held to account?
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Because we could do some holding to account now.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09For example, didn't you say
0:12:09 > 0:12:11that the Tories should merge with UKIP?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13I said we should do a deal with UKIP, yes.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16And possibly have a coupon election.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18OK. And that Nigel Farage
0:12:18 > 0:12:21should replace Nick Clegg as Deputy Prime Minister.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Oh, I think there would be joy in heaven if that were to happen.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27LAUGHTER
0:12:27 > 0:12:30What about here on Earth?
0:12:30 > 0:12:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:34 > 0:12:39- Do you get on well with Mr Farage? - Yeah, I think he's a very good egg.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41LAUGHTER
0:12:41 > 0:12:44What was the good news, though, for Nick Clegg this week?
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- He won a prize for his radio phone-in programme, didn't he?- He did.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49He won a prize for Call Clegg. You can phone him up
0:12:49 > 0:12:52and he'll get you a minicab. It's brilliant.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Also, didn't you make a speech at a dinner
0:12:56 > 0:12:58hosted by the Traditional Britain Group,
0:12:58 > 0:13:00who've declared on their website that:
0:13:04 > 0:13:07And less amusingly, that:
0:13:11 > 0:13:15Yes. They did that after I had been to dinner with them,
0:13:15 > 0:13:18so I couldn't know what they were going to say after I'd been to them.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Had I known they would say these things, I would certainly not have gone to them.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24I think they are a disreputable and unpleasant organisation.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Fair dos. Thank you.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35Um...what has the famous Liberal lefty David Cameron been doing this week?
0:13:36 > 0:13:39He's been out and about with Boris Johnson,
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- and what did they do? They... - They rescued a lady
0:13:42 > 0:13:47who had collapsed, and held her hand until the emergency services arrived.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Was it Boris holding her hand?
0:13:50 > 0:13:51- I wouldn't know.- I think it was.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Was it he who knocked her over?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55In his mad lust.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59They do say that there was:
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Although we can't vouch for Boris, I'm sorry.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Yeah. Where else has David Cameron been?
0:14:09 > 0:14:12- Nando's. The piri piri chicken place. - He was in Nando's.- Ah, yes.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16Posing for selfies with the electorate. Here we go.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23KEVIN: See, imagine that guy holding your hand until an ambulance came.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Have you been to Nando's, Ian?
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Do you know, I think I've missed out.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31- Jacob?- I've modelled myself on Ian in this respect.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Oh, right, OK.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36He knows how to hurt!
0:14:36 > 0:14:39- I've done a corporate for Nando's. - Have you?
0:14:39 > 0:14:41They gave me a card for free chicken.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44I would have preferred the vegetarian option of cash,
0:14:44 > 0:14:45but they gave me it.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47That is Becky Smith.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51How did she describe the encounter with Mr Cameron?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53JACOB: She said it was a great honour and a privilege
0:14:53 > 0:14:55to meet the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom...
0:14:55 > 0:14:58and that from now on, she would always vote Conservative.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- LAUGHTER - No.
0:15:01 > 0:15:02She said:
0:15:05 > 0:15:09Well, he'd had the piri piri sauce, I presume.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11What did she actually say to him?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13"Can we get some service over here?"
0:15:14 > 0:15:16She said that:
0:15:23 > 0:15:28What happened to George Osborne when he tried to pull a similar stunt in Bolton?
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Was he tarred and feathered?
0:15:31 > 0:15:35He was refused a table at the Thyme Deli and Cafe.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Owner Amanda Biggs said there just wasn't enough room
0:15:37 > 0:15:39and told the Daily Star:
0:15:44 > 0:15:47And the last thing we want to do is give
0:15:47 > 0:15:49any free publicity to the Thyme Deli and Cafe...
0:15:54 > 0:15:58- And here's the owner. - Doesn't look that busy, does it?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Now, going back to the business of government, if the
0:16:03 > 0:16:07politicians haven't been doing any work, what have they been doing?
0:16:07 > 0:16:10- Well, they've been scrapping. - Who's been scrapping?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Well, I think it's Michael Gove and David Laws, is that right?
0:16:13 > 0:16:16There was an article in The Times written by them jointly
0:16:16 > 0:16:18that they all agree on absolutely everything.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22An outbreak of most remarkable unity.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25But you laughed when you read the piece, didn't you?
0:16:25 > 0:16:31I...I... I was amused to see that this unity was breaking out.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35While, apparently, Michael Gove, David Laws
0:16:35 > 0:16:38and Nick Clegg have been scrapping and leaking on each other,
0:16:38 > 0:16:42which sounds slightly unpleasant, but do you know what it's all about?
0:16:42 > 0:16:44It's about free schools and free school meals,
0:16:44 > 0:16:47and which budget has pinched which part of the other budget.
0:16:47 > 0:16:52How much has Michael Gove taken from a fund to create new school places,
0:16:52 > 0:16:54- do you know?- Apparently, it's 400 million.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57400 million was for new school places, and it's a question of
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- whether the money is spent by local authorities...- But what is he using the money for?
0:17:00 > 0:17:04- For free schools. - To pay off an 800 million deficit.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07- Well, there's...- Now, my maths isn't very good, but...
0:17:07 > 0:17:10There's 400 million that has come from a departmental underspend.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12- Yeah.- And there is 400 million that is coming from
0:17:12 > 0:17:15the budget for additional school places,
0:17:15 > 0:17:19so its 800 million in total, which has been funded in
0:17:19 > 0:17:22a perfectly proper way for any government to fund its operations.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24LAUGHTER
0:17:24 > 0:17:30I mean, it's not necessarily funny, and it is statistically reasonable.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33It is, the way you tell it.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37The budget went up from 400 to 1.2, didn't it? So they had to find 800.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41They had to find 800 million because free schools have been so popular.
0:17:41 > 0:17:42It's a huge success.
0:17:42 > 0:17:43The people in this country,
0:17:43 > 0:17:46if they think the education for their children isn't good enough,
0:17:46 > 0:17:49go and get together and build schools themselves.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51I was thinking of building a hospital.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58Gove is coming out fighting.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00What did he say to Shadow Education Minister Tristram Hunt
0:18:00 > 0:18:02in Parliament the other day?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04"I'll cut you."
0:18:06 > 0:18:10No, he said something about Mr Hunt's bedtime reading.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13I can't remember what, and I'm not sure it's proper for broadcast...
0:18:13 > 0:18:16- For a lady to talk about it?- No.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Oh, bollocks, I have to.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Gove said:
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Oh, it does make you feel a bit queasy, doesn't it?
0:18:28 > 0:18:32One government department has been doing a bit of work.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36How did a Home Office estimate cause a stir this week?
0:18:36 > 0:18:39- Is it about England and the World Cup?- It certainly is.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42- It's to do with the licensing laws. - Yeah.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45- There's only late licensing until the group stages.- That's right.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48As soon as it goes to the knockout stage,
0:18:48 > 0:18:51the licence... Implying that England would get any further than
0:18:51 > 0:18:53the second round in the World Cup. Is that right?
0:18:53 > 0:18:56It's absolutely right.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57The Home Office estimate caused a stir
0:18:57 > 0:19:00because in deciding whether to grant a blanket extension to
0:19:00 > 0:19:03England pub licensing hours, the Home Office estimated
0:19:03 > 0:19:07that England's chances of progressing from the group stage of the World Cup were:
0:19:10 > 0:19:13The Home Office took it from a betting website.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- That's where they got their figure from.- Did they?- Yes.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Is that where they get all their information?
0:19:19 > 0:19:21It didn't seem to me the most scientific approach.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Well, as you're sort of the posh boys' side, let's start with you.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28- How do you rate England's chances? - Pretty...pretty good.
0:19:30 > 0:19:36- Shall we have a look at a picture of the friendly face that awaits the England fans in Brazil?- Yes.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41- Blimey.- Is that real? - That is real, yes.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44But I wonder what's he doing in an art gallery?
0:19:47 > 0:19:50So, this is the news that Parliament is shutting down early.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54Apparently, MPs have run out of bills to debate.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56One of the last bills to be debated
0:19:56 > 0:19:58was an attempt by Keith Vaz to enact:
0:20:01 > 0:20:05Too right. If there's not enough, I'm not buying it.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08This week, the coalition is beginning to fracture.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10According to the Daily Mail:
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Yeah, I've been to that nightclub. It's rubbish.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20In a joint statement, Michael Gove and David Laws
0:20:20 > 0:20:24denied falling out over free school meals. They also said:
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Yeah, good luck with the PE teachers!
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Now, this, Jacob, is an iPod.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:46 > 0:20:48And so to round two.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51It's a misjudged return for the Gramophone of News.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Er, I'm going to give you some sound clues
0:20:54 > 0:20:56using this antique horn.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Fingers on buzzers, here's the first one.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02# The sun has got his hat on... #
0:21:02 > 0:21:03BUZZER
0:21:03 > 0:21:07# The sun has got his hat on and he's coming out today
0:21:07 > 0:21:09# Now we'll all be happy... #
0:21:09 > 0:21:11How far are you going to play this tune?
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Yeah, I think we should... I think we should stop it now.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16- Can you stop it now?- Here it comes!
0:21:16 > 0:21:18RECORD SCRATCHES TO HALT
0:21:18 > 0:21:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:21 > 0:21:24A BBC radio DJ has lost his job.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27He hosted a show dealing in sort of vintage songs,
0:21:27 > 0:21:31vintage tunes, and The Sun Has Got His Hat On, written by Noel Gay,
0:21:31 > 0:21:33some time in the 1930s, I think,
0:21:33 > 0:21:36has a sort of...the N-word in it,
0:21:36 > 0:21:39and he didn't know this, apparently, and somebody complained.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42And he lost his job, then the BBC said, "Oh, you can have it back,"
0:21:42 > 0:21:44and he said, "I don't want it back."
0:21:44 > 0:21:46They said, "You've got to!" and he said, "No, I don't want it!"
0:21:46 > 0:21:48"Well, come in tomorrow!" "I won't be there."
0:21:48 > 0:21:52- One person complained.- One person complained.- One person complained.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54BBC Radio Devon, 10pm on a Sunday night.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58Although Devon has only recently been connected to the phone network.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02This guy, his name was David Lowe,
0:22:02 > 0:22:05and what was ironic about him losing his job?
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Didn't he play that song because he thought another song was racist
0:22:08 > 0:22:11and he didn't play that, he played this one to replace the racist song
0:22:11 > 0:22:14and unfortunately...along came 1932.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18- Yeah. Do you know what the song he didn't play was?- JACOB: Yes.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21- It was Abdul Abulbul Amir.- Correct. It was the 1927 version...
0:22:23 > 0:22:27I think so that he could decide, he went, "Eeny meeny m... No."
0:22:30 > 0:22:34Any other controversies in the West Country this week?
0:22:34 > 0:22:36- I'd imagine so.- In Frome.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Is it the fence that's been put alongside...
0:22:41 > 0:22:45right of way and, therefore, people are completely channelled in?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48That's right. Near your constituency, I believe.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- It is, but not IN my constituency. - No.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54People in my constituency are much behaved and more gentlemanly than that.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57- What, even the women? - Even the women.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59This farmer has bought a beautiful green meadow
0:22:59 > 0:23:03and he wants to stop people roaming off the footpath
0:23:03 > 0:23:05with their dogs, so this is what he's done.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09He's got no more problems with dog mess,
0:23:09 > 0:23:13but he does now have Jewish settlers on one side of the meadow...
0:23:13 > 0:23:17and angry Palestinians on the other.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20This is the BBC Radio Devon DJ who was fired
0:23:20 > 0:23:24for playing a 1932 version of The Sun Has Got His Hat On.
0:23:24 > 0:23:28The BBC have been condemned for overreacting,
0:23:28 > 0:23:31but I'm actually on the BBC's side.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Casual racism is nothing to snigger about.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39No. No, I said... No, sn... No, I said "snigger".
0:23:39 > 0:23:42No, it's a word. Look it up. Yep. Yep.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44All right, I'll get my coat.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46LAUGHTER
0:23:46 > 0:23:50The BBC has actually been accused of double standards
0:23:50 > 0:23:53for playing rap songs which feature the N-word.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56The word is allowed when it is...
0:24:02 > 0:24:04..said a BBC wanka!
0:24:07 > 0:24:09APPLAUSE
0:24:10 > 0:24:13OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15LORRY-REVERSE BEEPING
0:24:15 > 0:24:17BUZZER
0:24:17 > 0:24:19The guy who invented that noise,
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- which is the sound of a lorry reversing...- Mm.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25..has come out and said that he regrets his invention.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Do you know what the inventor's name is?
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Is it George Reversing-Beep?
0:24:30 > 0:24:34- Hyphenated.- It is hyphenated, but not that. It's Chris Hanson-Abbott.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Now, he doesn't like his noise.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39But isn't that the point of an alarm, though, isn't it,
0:24:39 > 0:24:41to sort of be, you know, slightly annoying,
0:24:41 > 0:24:43to notice it, rather than somebody going...
0:24:43 > 0:24:45- GENTLE VOICE:- .."Hello."
0:24:45 > 0:24:49- Anyone got any better suggestions? - What about the Countdown theme?
0:24:49 > 0:24:51- KEVIN HUMS THEME - Oh, that's a good idea.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53As it gets closer and closer.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58- And you need to get out the way before it goes, "Daow".- Dzzchw.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02- Or celebrities could do it. - Yeah, celebrity.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04- Humphrey Bogart saying, "Get out of the way."- Yeah.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06- Stephen Hawking would be good.- Yeah.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07MONOTONE: Get out of the way.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Alan Bennett.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11- AS ALAN BENNETT: - Oh, get out of the way.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15- Brian Walden.- That's going back a bit, isn't it? Brian Walden?
0:25:15 > 0:25:18- That's the only impression I can do. - Oh, right.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22- AS BRIAN WALDEN:- Hello, it's Brian Walden here. Get out of the way.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27Um... So, can anyone do the beeping noise?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Is it as easy as I think it is?
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Beep. Beep. Beep - that's it.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Here's a man who CAN do it.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39HE MIMICS LORRY-REVERSE BEEP
0:25:42 > 0:25:46- He can do the noise, but he's just struggling with the reversing.- Yeah.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50I like that guy.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Here's a rather leftfield question.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57What do monks think of beeping?
0:25:57 > 0:26:00- They like it.- Who asked the monks?
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Well, luckily, the BBC asked A monk,
0:26:03 > 0:26:07so obviously it's not a particularly comprehensive survey.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10They asked Father Alexander De Costa Fernandes, who said:
0:26:14 > 0:26:17And added, "Bollocks, there goes my vow of silence."
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Here's the next one.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23CLOCK TICKS, ALARM RINGS
0:26:23 > 0:26:24BELL
0:26:24 > 0:26:27This is that we're not getting enough sleep
0:26:27 > 0:26:31because we use artificial light and we watch too much television,
0:26:31 > 0:26:34- and therefore we don't go to bed on time.- That's right. Do you do that?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36- Yes.- Yeah.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Do you count candles as artificial light?
0:26:39 > 0:26:41LAUGHTER
0:26:41 > 0:26:44SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE
0:26:48 > 0:26:52Do you wear one of those hats in bed, those big...
0:26:52 > 0:26:56I can kind of see you in one of those, in a nightgown. Yes.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58I'll consider it.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01What's wrong with blue light before bed?
0:27:01 > 0:27:03It does something to the melatonin
0:27:03 > 0:27:05that means you're not ready to go to sleep
0:27:05 > 0:27:07and puts your body clock out.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10It makes our body clock think it's earlier than it is, so...
0:27:10 > 0:27:12- What is it? Blue light?- Blue light.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15It's like light that comes off gadgets and things.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18- Or off police cars outside your house.- Indeed.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21- Indeed.- That keeps you awake. A lot of those where I live.
0:27:21 > 0:27:22Crackhouse next door, Jacob.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30- You've got a crackhouse next door to where you live?- Yeah.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33At least you haven't got to go far. Um...
0:27:34 > 0:27:38Apparently, Dr Charles Czeisler of Harvard University says...
0:27:42 > 0:27:45I need more than blue light to hit my sweet spot,
0:27:45 > 0:27:47thank you, Charles.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51Um... Meanwhile, what have Richard and Judy agreed to do to each other?
0:27:51 > 0:27:53- Kill each other. - JACOB: Kill each other.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55- Kill each other. - Kill each other.- Yeah.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59- They've agreed upon a suicide pact. - That's love.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02It's also potentially murder, but...
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Yes, in one of the most romantic declarations of true love,
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Richard told the Telegraph...
0:28:17 > 0:28:20Oh, no, sorry. He went on a bit more. Um...
0:28:23 > 0:28:25He should write Valentine's cards, shouldn't he?
0:28:27 > 0:28:30Type of stamp. Could be very rare.
0:28:30 > 0:28:34"Have you got a tuppenny fuck? "Yes, I've got one here."
0:28:34 > 0:28:39Um... Does anyone know how Richard Madeley intends to kill himself?
0:28:39 > 0:28:41- Yes. There was booze involved. - That's right.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46Or if Judy's still about, just the locked room and the revolver.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48Um...
0:28:48 > 0:28:50He wants to die in a game of Cluedo.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55This is the research that shows
0:28:55 > 0:28:57that a lack of sleep is bad for your health.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00There are a number of top tips for ensuring a good night's sleep.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02For instance...
0:29:05 > 0:29:07Tick! Um...
0:29:09 > 0:29:13Time now for the odd one out round. It's just one between you this week.
0:29:13 > 0:29:16Fingers on buzzers, teams. Your four are...
0:29:16 > 0:29:18Marcus Trescothick.
0:29:18 > 0:29:19The Queen.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21Chris the Rhea. And Conchita Wurst.
0:29:21 > 0:29:25Conchita's in a studio up there somewhere, I think.
0:29:25 > 0:29:28I waved, she waved back - it was incredibly exciting!
0:29:28 > 0:29:32There's a lookalike as well, so I don't know if it was
0:29:32 > 0:29:33- the lookalike or the genuine.- Oh!
0:29:33 > 0:29:37- I've seen that as well but I've just seen the lookalike. - Oh, I've been fooled!
0:29:37 > 0:29:40No, I'm just saying be vigilant.
0:29:42 > 0:29:45JACOB: Marcus Trescothick is a very distinguished Somerset cricketer.
0:29:45 > 0:29:48I don't really see how that relates to anything else, unfortunately.
0:29:48 > 0:29:53Have three of them been shot down by veterinaries with rifles?
0:29:53 > 0:29:56They practise with umbrella stands.
0:29:59 > 0:30:00The bird escaped.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02- JACOB: The bird escaped? - It did escape.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05- And they actually shot it. - They did. They couldn't catch it.
0:30:05 > 0:30:06JACOB: And it's been turned into sausages.
0:30:06 > 0:30:08- Ta-da!- Ah!
0:30:08 > 0:30:11- Ah. "Wurst" means "sausage". - Trescothick was known as "Banger".
0:30:11 > 0:30:13The thing was turned into a sausage. "Wurst" is "sausage".
0:30:13 > 0:30:17So, Her Majesty - nobody would dare call Her Majesty anything so rude -
0:30:17 > 0:30:19is, um, not the...
0:30:19 > 0:30:22- The odd one out.- Yes, but I don't wish to call Her Majesty odd.
0:30:22 > 0:30:24That seems a bit...
0:30:24 > 0:30:27LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:30:27 > 0:30:31Her Majesty is not in line with the other three in this case.
0:30:31 > 0:30:33KEVIN: What is that she's holding?
0:30:33 > 0:30:34It looks like a sort of baseball bat shaped...
0:30:34 > 0:30:38She looks like she could return that ball, anyway.
0:30:38 > 0:30:40Is she being called Sausage by the Duke of Edinburgh?
0:30:40 > 0:30:44- Is it a pet name?- Mm!- I think it is. - It is.- "Oh, Sausage!"
0:30:47 > 0:30:49Is there any reasons why?
0:30:49 > 0:30:52Perhaps he likes stabbing her with a fork from time to time.
0:30:53 > 0:30:55It's a term of affection
0:30:55 > 0:30:58based on the fact that her ancestry is German.
0:30:58 > 0:31:02It was a sort of Wurst joke. He calls her Conchita Sausage.
0:31:02 > 0:31:04Does she call him "Kebab"?
0:31:07 > 0:31:11- APPLAUSE - Might do.
0:31:11 > 0:31:13Is it they're all called sausage
0:31:13 > 0:31:15except one who's been turned into sausage?
0:31:15 > 0:31:16Correct!
0:31:16 > 0:31:19APPLAUSE
0:31:21 > 0:31:25As you said, Chris the runaway rhea was finally found - hurrah! -
0:31:25 > 0:31:27shot in the head - boo! -
0:31:27 > 0:31:29turned into sausages - hurrah!
0:31:31 > 0:31:35Has anyone ever enjoyed a rhea sausage?
0:31:35 > 0:31:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:31:42 > 0:31:45- I'm only asking! - Does it count if you're on holiday?
0:31:47 > 0:31:52Why might this not be the last we hear of these birds we'd never heard of a month ago?
0:31:52 > 0:31:55- There's more than one of them. - Indeed.
0:31:55 > 0:31:58According to the Telegraph, there are rumours of:
0:32:01 > 0:32:03So if you want to see one of those magnificent birds,
0:32:03 > 0:32:08just pop to the butchers in a few weeks' time.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11I thought you were going to say people were rearing them.
0:32:11 > 0:32:13GROANS
0:32:13 > 0:32:15You should have your own stand-up show.
0:32:15 > 0:32:18- But not for long.- No.
0:32:19 > 0:32:22Now, as far as Conchita Wurst is concerned,
0:32:22 > 0:32:24the Eurovision-winning bearded lady of Austria
0:32:24 > 0:32:27got her stage name from the German expression:
0:32:29 > 0:32:31It literally means:
0:32:34 > 0:32:39- So it doesn't make any sense in German or English?- Not really.
0:32:39 > 0:32:42Now, everyone has a theory on who Conchita looks like.
0:32:42 > 0:32:45I think she looks like George Best.
0:32:47 > 0:32:50Britain actually awarded the maximum 12 points to Conchita,
0:32:50 > 0:32:53but when the judges' votes were taken out of the equation,
0:32:53 > 0:32:56- the public preferred the Polish entry.- They did.
0:32:56 > 0:32:58A charming entry.
0:32:58 > 0:33:00Must have been a really, really good song.
0:33:00 > 0:33:03Let's see why it was so popular, shall we?
0:33:03 > 0:33:05UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
0:33:05 > 0:33:07LAUGHTER
0:33:10 > 0:33:12A lot of Poles living in the country
0:33:12 > 0:33:14- who probably voted for the Polish entry.- Do you think so?
0:33:14 > 0:33:17I should think there's a lot of lorry drivers an' all.
0:33:20 > 0:33:25Has anyone heard of the sausage that's named after a comedian?
0:33:25 > 0:33:29- No.- The Lorne sausage. That is a square sausage,
0:33:29 > 0:33:33thought to be named after a Glasgow music hall star, Tommy Lorne.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36- There he is.- KEVIN: That's him.
0:33:36 > 0:33:39You don't need me to point him out, surely?
0:33:39 > 0:33:43Don't suppose you know what his famous catchphrase was, do you?
0:33:43 > 0:33:47Well, obviously I know, but I'll chuck that to the...
0:33:47 > 0:33:49It was:
0:33:51 > 0:33:53I've actually got that tattooed.
0:33:54 > 0:33:58They are all affectionately known by sausage-based names,
0:33:58 > 0:34:02apart from Chris the rhea, who's been shot and turned into sausages.
0:34:02 > 0:34:04The Telegraph reported that:
0:34:09 > 0:34:14Well, it had to go, as according to club rules, birds have no place on a golf course.
0:34:14 > 0:34:19The Russians organised a petition condemning Conchita Wurst,
0:34:19 > 0:34:21claiming her performance would:
0:34:26 > 0:34:28I think that ship's already sailed.
0:34:32 > 0:34:34Time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:34:34 > 0:34:37which this week features as its guest publication:
0:34:39 > 0:34:42Easy to spot in the newsagents
0:34:42 > 0:34:45as all the car magazines have moved over to make way for it.
0:34:46 > 0:34:48And we start with:
0:34:55 > 0:34:59JACOB: It's not the Liberal Democrats, is it? No?
0:34:59 > 0:35:04The humour of emergency services workers.
0:35:04 > 0:35:06Described as:
0:35:07 > 0:35:09This is from Ambulance Today,
0:35:09 > 0:35:12being what you rather optimistically shout down the phone
0:35:12 > 0:35:15when you need one.
0:35:17 > 0:35:18Next:
0:35:21 > 0:35:24Housed in a new ambulance museum in Hull.
0:35:26 > 0:35:28No?
0:35:32 > 0:35:35Those electric foxes get everywhere, don't they?
0:35:35 > 0:35:38Fzzzt!
0:35:38 > 0:35:40Does anyone know who Squiddly and Diddly are?
0:35:40 > 0:35:43- Yeah.- They're hens. - WOMAN: Simon Cowell's dogs.
0:35:43 > 0:35:45They're Simon Cowell's Yorkshire terriers.
0:35:45 > 0:35:48You should be ashamed of yourself!
0:35:48 > 0:35:51LAUGHTER
0:35:51 > 0:35:54- These are...- They are things that are embarrassing to know!
0:35:54 > 0:36:01These are Simon Cowell's Yorkshire terriers, which are now protected by a massive fox-proof fence.
0:36:01 > 0:36:02According to the Sun,
0:36:02 > 0:36:06last year Diddly wee'd on the floor of a posh store in Beverly Hills.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08When the enraged manager asked customers
0:36:08 > 0:36:12if they'd witnessed anything, they all agreed they saw Diddly squat.
0:36:13 > 0:36:16So he's put up a fence around...?
0:36:16 > 0:36:19- Yes, a fox-proof fence. - Some wimpy dogs.
0:36:19 > 0:36:22Aren't Yorkshire terriers those really little tiny things
0:36:22 > 0:36:24that tend to have bows in their hair?
0:36:24 > 0:36:26They're, like, really...
0:36:26 > 0:36:28- They should take on a fox, surely. - You could just get a proper dog.
0:36:28 > 0:36:30LAUGHTER
0:36:32 > 0:36:33Yeah.
0:36:35 > 0:36:37Next:
0:36:39 > 0:36:42KEVIN: I thought it was an illuminated ground floor button.
0:36:43 > 0:36:46JACOB: I saw this, it was in the Daily Mail...
0:36:46 > 0:36:48LAUGHTER
0:36:48 > 0:36:51It's "Beyonce's sister hit her husband"
0:36:51 > 0:36:52in a lift in New York
0:36:52 > 0:36:54- and that's what it is. - Crikey, Jacob!
0:36:54 > 0:36:56Whay!
0:36:56 > 0:36:59APPLAUSE
0:36:59 > 0:37:02I was going to say - "Respect!"
0:37:04 > 0:37:08The rapper Jay Z, who is married to Beyonce,
0:37:08 > 0:37:11was attacked by his sister-in-law, Solange, in a lift.
0:37:11 > 0:37:15The Daily Star speculated as to what the attack was about.
0:37:15 > 0:37:16Theories included:
0:37:23 > 0:37:29Or Jay Z is a typical bloke and he dropped one in the lift.
0:37:29 > 0:37:31Next:
0:37:34 > 0:37:35I know this one too.
0:37:35 > 0:37:37SHE GASPS
0:37:37 > 0:37:40It was also in the Daily Mail, the fount of all knowledge.
0:37:40 > 0:37:42She had some problem with make-up.
0:37:42 > 0:37:44She had a great white splodge on her face.
0:37:44 > 0:37:45It's...well, actually,
0:37:45 > 0:37:49"Angelina has make-up malfunction on red carpet".
0:37:49 > 0:37:50Here she is.
0:37:50 > 0:37:54I've had the same problem, but in my case, it was cocaine.
0:37:56 > 0:37:57Next:
0:37:59 > 0:38:01Thank you.
0:38:02 > 0:38:05"Give tomatoes aspirin and they won't turn to mush."
0:38:05 > 0:38:07According to professor of plant sciences
0:38:07 > 0:38:09at the University of Rhode Island,
0:38:09 > 0:38:11if you want to perk up your tomatoes,
0:38:11 > 0:38:13you should give them plenty of aspirin and water.
0:38:13 > 0:38:17Or better still, don't let them go out on the piss in the first place.
0:38:19 > 0:38:20Next:
0:38:24 > 0:38:26Take her top off for 30 quid.
0:38:28 > 0:38:31KEVIN: Won't write him an expenses receipt?
0:38:33 > 0:38:35Won't work over here.
0:38:35 > 0:38:38That's right, well done.
0:38:38 > 0:38:40This is from Ambulance Today.
0:38:40 > 0:38:42No, we don't want a Danish ambulance service.
0:38:42 > 0:38:46After all, it takes the Danish police a whole 20-hour box set
0:38:46 > 0:38:48just to solve one murder.
0:38:48 > 0:38:50Next:
0:38:53 > 0:38:55Mould!
0:38:55 > 0:38:57Mould is normal on aged beef.
0:38:57 > 0:39:00They were hanging beef up for 28 days, and somebody came,
0:39:00 > 0:39:01"Oh, there's a bit of mould".
0:39:01 > 0:39:03No, that's quite normal for beef that's been hung.
0:39:03 > 0:39:04Absolutely correct.
0:39:04 > 0:39:08"A mouldy carcass is normal, insists Jamie Oliver's butcher."
0:39:08 > 0:39:10Jamie Oliver's butcher was criticised
0:39:10 > 0:39:12after mould was found on his meat.
0:39:12 > 0:39:13According to health experts:
0:39:17 > 0:39:21Sorry, I just don't understand that sentence at all.
0:39:21 > 0:39:22Um...
0:39:25 > 0:39:26And finally:
0:39:30 > 0:39:31KEVIN: Sitting crying in the shower.
0:39:35 > 0:39:38No, think our selected magazine.
0:39:38 > 0:39:41- Think Ambulance...- Chasing one!
0:39:41 > 0:39:43KEVIN: Trying to find the phone number?
0:39:43 > 0:39:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:39:54 > 0:39:57According to Ambulance Today, Nick Clegg was:
0:40:03 > 0:40:05They're exactly the same as ambulances
0:40:05 > 0:40:08in the rest of the country, only they have a sign on the back saying,
0:40:08 > 0:40:11"There's owt wrong with thee. Get the bus."
0:40:13 > 0:40:17So, the final scores are...
0:40:17 > 0:40:19Paul and Kevin have 6,
0:40:19 > 0:40:21but Ian and Jacob have 7.
0:40:21 > 0:40:26APPLAUSE
0:40:26 > 0:40:30But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32Here's one:
0:40:32 > 0:40:35"Whose idea was it to book us for Cats?"
0:40:39 > 0:40:41And here's another:
0:40:41 > 0:40:44"You're talking out of your arse, Mr Farage."
0:40:44 > 0:40:49APPLAUSE
0:40:50 > 0:40:53On which note we say thank you to our panellists,
0:40:53 > 0:40:55Ian Hislop and Jacob Rees-Mogg,
0:40:55 > 0:40:57Paul Merton and Kevin Bridges.
0:40:57 > 0:41:00And I leave you with news that photographers arrive
0:41:00 > 0:41:05at Nigel Evans' garden party a day earlier than expected.
0:41:09 > 0:41:13Despite Radio 3's move to digital only,
0:41:13 > 0:41:16Jacob Rees-Mogg is reluctant to abandon his analogue set.
0:41:20 > 0:41:24And amidst reports it's possible to see across into people's bedrooms
0:41:24 > 0:41:25in London's Shard hotel,
0:41:25 > 0:41:28a local man is drawn to the scene...
0:41:31 > 0:41:32Good night.
0:41:32 > 0:41:34APPLAUSE