0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42I'm Kirsty Young. In the news this week,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45on the edge of the Brazilian rainforest,
0:00:45 > 0:00:48the groundsman insists that England's World Cup training ground
0:00:48 > 0:00:49is safe to practise on.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59In a last-ditch UKIP political broadcast, Nigel Farage provides
0:00:59 > 0:01:04further evidence of foreigners using up valuable NHS resources.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13And there are one or two teething problems with the newly designed
0:01:13 > 0:01:17uniform for Switzerland's elite armed response unit.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28On Ian's team tonight is a comedian whose own show on Dave
0:01:28 > 0:01:32involved him riding around the UK on his motorbike
0:01:32 > 0:01:35whilst people on Twitter told him where to go.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38That's Twitter for you. Please welcome Ross Noble.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40APPLAUSE
0:01:44 > 0:01:48And with Paul tonight, someone whose poems are now being taught
0:01:48 > 0:01:53in the GCSE curriculum currently under review by Michael Gove.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Twat.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59Is the name of one of his poems. Please welcome John Cooper Clarke.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01APPLAUSE
0:02:06 > 0:02:09And we start with the big European election stories of the week.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Ian and Ross, take a look at this.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15That's the new Godzilla film there.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Rarr! I will destroy the whole of Britain!
0:02:19 > 0:02:24Oh, a couple there sneaking out of the toilets, by the looks of things.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Oh, this is the main parties
0:02:26 > 0:02:28who've woken up to the fact that there is an election
0:02:28 > 0:02:30one day before it started.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34- And that UKIP might win it. - He's buying everyone flowers.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38He's going, "Go on, just a couple of votes. Go on. Sniff 'em."
0:02:38 > 0:02:44- Yes.- That's his slogan. "Labour, go on, sniff 'em."
0:02:44 > 0:02:48This is the news indeed that the Euro election is finally here.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Various questions have been asked in various polls
0:02:51 > 0:02:53of the electorate recently.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55"Which leader looks the most weird," all that sort of stuff.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58But which question in a recent poll in the Mirror
0:02:58 > 0:03:01had 38% of the people who were asked agreeing with it?
0:03:01 > 0:03:04- Are you going to vote? - No, it was...
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- 38%?- Yes.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14So, there are 28 countries, over four days for voting.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16The results are going to be announced on Sunday
0:03:16 > 0:03:19in a show hosted by Graham Norton. Apparently.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Let's just take a little look at the main party leaders
0:03:24 > 0:03:26arriving to cast their vote with their partners.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Here's David and Samantha.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32And Ed and Justine.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33And here's Nick.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39How has the Bulgarian political scientist Ivan Kratsev
0:03:39 > 0:03:41described the European Union?
0:03:41 > 0:03:45And these could be words from maybe one of your poems, John.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47- HE IMITATES JOHN'S ACCENT: - A total waste of time.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49That was John Cooper Clarke.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51I thought that was you doing Bulgarian.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54No, no. That was Liverpudlian.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- HE IMITATES JOHN: Welcome to Bulgaria.- No.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Ivan Kratsev actually said it was...
0:04:04 > 0:04:08That is my style - sclerotic. Cos I'm a doctor now.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11- Are you an honorary doctor?- Are you allowed to operate on people?
0:04:11 > 0:04:12Oh, absolutely.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Can you have a look at my feet after this?
0:04:15 > 0:04:19I'm more of an ears, nose and throat guy.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23After the arrival this week of this new spin doctor,
0:04:23 > 0:04:25David Axelrod, did Ed Miliband enjoy
0:04:25 > 0:04:29a successful, gaffe-free final week of campaigning?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31No, he had a disastrous week.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33He went on local radio, Radio Wiltshire?
0:04:33 > 0:04:38And the DJ asked him about the local Labour leader on the council.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41And Miliband didn't know who it was, but he pretended he did.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43For people who haven't had the pleasure, I think we should
0:04:43 > 0:04:45maybe listen again to this.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48- What do you make of Jim Grant? - I beg your pardon.- Jim Grant.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Do you think he's doing a good job?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I think that lots of Labour representatives are doing
0:04:53 > 0:04:54a good job right across the country.
0:04:54 > 0:04:59- And, er...- You do know who Jim Grant is, Mr Miliband?
0:04:59 > 0:05:03- Well, you would enlighten me, I'm sure.- Swindon Labour leader.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Yes, I think he's doing a good job and I think...
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Will he feel you support him enough if you don't even know his name?
0:05:08 > 0:05:11He's doing a good job as leader of the council, Jim is.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13And I think that's the case.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17But he's not the leader of the council, is he, Mr Miliband?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19It's a Conservative-led council.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22No, I think he's doing a good job for Labour on the council.
0:05:25 > 0:05:30- Fantastic.- Do you think he's going for the sympathy vote?
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- Who was the guy in the hoodie? - That was the Wiltshire DJ.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37He looks like that guy that walks out of that open prison with the teeth...
0:05:38 > 0:05:43He's the DJ, though you obviously think he's Mr Skull Cracker.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45That's it, Skull Cracker.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Hang on, a professional...
0:05:47 > 0:05:50No, not him. I'm sure it was something like the Tooth Puller...
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Oh, right.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Sarcastic Dave.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58"Call this a sub post office?!"
0:05:58 > 0:06:01No, it's very sad. That was one incident, then he had another one.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- Yes, he did, which was concerning... - He didn't know how much bread costs.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Who does? How much?
0:06:07 > 0:06:13Mr Warburton. You ask him, any size loaf - bang, straightaway. Like that.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17No, 80 quid, wasn't it? He said he spent 80 quid.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19He was put under some tough forensic questioning
0:06:19 > 0:06:22when he appeared on ITV's Good Morning Britain.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25He was asked how much he spent a week on groceries.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26And Ed Miliband said...
0:06:29 > 0:06:32That was just on the essentials.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35That's just one loaf of bread and one thing of milk.
0:06:35 > 0:06:40And the bloke on the market, he goes, "Miliband's coming. £80, please."
0:06:43 > 0:06:46The Good Morning Britain interview that started everything off,
0:06:46 > 0:06:48it did have a good start.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Ed Miliband was trailed at the top of the show.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54See if you can spot the moment that he remembered
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Axelrod's instruction to smile.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Will Ed Miliband survive as leader?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02We'll ask him why half of Labour voters think
0:07:02 > 0:07:03he's the wrong man for the job.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08He's not a natural, is he?
0:07:08 > 0:07:11And then he tries to look a bit pouty and sexy as well,
0:07:11 > 0:07:14- which is a worry.- It's right at the moment when they say,
0:07:14 > 0:07:17"Will he survive as leader?" And even he laughs.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21I've been away all week, Kirsty, and...
0:07:21 > 0:07:25what was that about Axl Rose telling him...?
0:07:25 > 0:07:29He'd probably be more use, the week he's had. John, you've been
0:07:29 > 0:07:32in Ireland, how excited are they about the European elections?
0:07:32 > 0:07:33They don't give a monkey's.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38I didn't see word one about it, frankly.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40But they've got their own elections going on
0:07:40 > 0:07:43and they're amazingly old school about it.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46It's all posters nailed to lampposts.
0:07:46 > 0:07:51Guys in their best...you know, trying to look trustworthy.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54But they all seem to fail, don't they?
0:07:54 > 0:07:57They all look like they should have "Dead or alive" underneath them.
0:07:57 > 0:08:02Who's re-emerged into the spotlight after four years away?
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Vincent Price.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Chaka Khan, is it Chaka Khan?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Chaka Khan?
0:08:10 > 0:08:11I only wish that were true.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14It is Gillian Duffy, the woman previously...
0:08:14 > 0:08:16ROSS: Oh, the bigot woman.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Who was previously accused by Gordon Brown of being a bigot.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Of course, she's not a bigot.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25ROSS: She's got the look of a bigot, though.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27LAUGHTER
0:08:27 > 0:08:31Just...in my opinion.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35I don't think that's quite enough to save you, I'm afraid.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40The Daily Telegraph did an interview with her reporting that she
0:08:40 > 0:08:43regards Ed Miliband as...
0:08:48 > 0:08:49She said...
0:08:53 > 0:08:56And the triumphant conclusion of the Telegraph interview was...
0:09:01 > 0:09:05So this is Ed Miliband's latest most terrible week.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08On Radio Wiltshire he didn't know the identity of...
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Nick Clegg would never be caught out not knowing the names
0:09:14 > 0:09:16of Lib Dem councillors -
0:09:16 > 0:09:18he's personally met both of them.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23The Times interviewed celebrity hairdresser Charlotte Cave,
0:09:23 > 0:09:25who cuts Ed Miliband's hair. Her description...
0:09:30 > 0:09:33As for his hair we have no idea.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Paul and John, take a look at this.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Right, OK.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Somebody keeping warm by burning the European flag.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43"Er, I bought a wardrobe, I could not get it up the stairs.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46"I tried, I tried. I could not get it up the stairs.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49"It must have been Romanian, I couldn't get it up the stairs."
0:09:49 > 0:09:51That would seem to be some candidate groping people
0:09:51 > 0:09:53in the shopping arcade.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55- So, it's European elections and all that stuff.- Yep.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Particularly it's Nigel Farage's last big election push.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01He had a carnival cos he thought, "If everyone says I'm racist,
0:10:01 > 0:10:04- "I'll have a really successful carnival in London."- Yes.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06- Well, in Croydon.- Yeah...
0:10:06 > 0:10:08- And it didn't go so well.- Didn't it?
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- No.- Why not? - The Croydon Carnival...?!
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Surely, not(!)
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Was there trouble coming in from Purley?
0:10:16 > 0:10:18What happened about it?
0:10:18 > 0:10:21- His basic idea was that he'd hired a steel band.- Yeah.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24He thought that was multicultural. And they turned up and said,
0:10:24 > 0:10:27"God, we're not performing for UKIP." And they went off.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29And then that bloke, Winston McKenzie...
0:10:29 > 0:10:32ROSS: Or "The Lunger" as he's known.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- ..the local UKIP councillor... - Yeah, yes.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38..described Croydon as "a dump".
0:10:41 > 0:10:45And he was going to personally move to another country?
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Some anti-UKIP protestors turned up because they had heard that
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Nigel Farage was going to be there.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53And then they started haranguing all the carnival organisers
0:10:53 > 0:10:56and when Farage didn't arrive, according to the Mail...
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Now, the name Winston McKenzie made me wonder -
0:11:08 > 0:11:11as you might imagine it would - whether or not we wanted to have
0:11:11 > 0:11:14a little quiz about some other famous McKenzies?
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- Yeah!- Who is this?
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- Oh, that's Precious McKenzie...- Yes! - ..a weightlifter on Blue Peter.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Yes, it is! It's little tiny British weightlifter...
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- ROSS: Did he?- Yes, 1970s, 1960s, he was only 5'1" but always lifting
0:11:25 > 0:11:28huge things like the Blue Peter studio on his shoulders.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31- Running to Wigan with it and back. Precious McKenzie.- Yeah.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Here he is lifting up Muhammad Ali.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Yeah.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39And here is talented '70s footballer Duncan McKenzie.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Can you tell me one of his two special powers?
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Oh, yeah, throwing golf balls the length of a football pitch
0:11:44 > 0:11:46and jumping over cars!
0:11:46 > 0:11:50There he is! At last this programme has found my metier!
0:11:50 > 0:11:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:54 > 0:11:56I'm happy.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01- It's a topical news quiz for Paul's childhood!- Yeah!
0:12:01 > 0:12:05As you say, Paul, he could throw a golf ball 125 yards.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06Let's just take a look.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09BRIAN MOORE: And on bleak morning at Elland Road last week,
0:12:09 > 0:12:12in his street clothes and with a slightly strained right shoulder,
0:12:12 > 0:12:14he still produced a throw there of some 111 yards.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16As we look at it again in slow-motion,
0:12:16 > 0:12:19when it gets to the other end of the field it's a prodigious throw.
0:12:19 > 0:12:24Just look at the edge of the six-yard area and you'll see that golf ball...
0:12:24 > 0:12:26bouncing down there by the six-yard area.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31And, in fact, the Leeds United manager, Jimmy Armfield,
0:12:31 > 0:12:33and the Leeds players confirm that in warmer weather,
0:12:33 > 0:12:35and when is shoulder was in good trim,
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Duncan McKenzie, in fact, had thrown the length of the pitch
0:12:38 > 0:12:40and onto the terracing at the far side,
0:12:40 > 0:12:43a distance of some 125 yards.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47ROSS: That's the only clip from 1970s television
0:12:47 > 0:12:49you're still allowed to play on the BBC.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Now, originally, this started as a UKIP question...
0:12:57 > 0:12:59I know! It was a long time ago!
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Have you ever wondered
0:13:01 > 0:13:04where UKIP took their branding inspiration from?
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Yeah, Poundland.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11Well, it could be from an episode of Blackadder The Third.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14That's a character from the...
0:13:19 > 0:13:24Why have the main parties decided to stop calling UKIP racist?
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Cos it just encourages the voters. Every time they say,
0:13:28 > 0:13:31"Well, he's a bit of a racist", there's a poll and it just goes up.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34People thinking, "Yeah, bit of a racist, yeah, that's for me, then.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38- "That's my vote."- Well, according to the Guardian, the public
0:13:38 > 0:13:42don't actually think it's true but every time it happens...
0:13:42 > 0:13:45UKIP's rating does go up.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48And what was it, particularly, that Nigel Farage said
0:13:48 > 0:13:51in that very rumbustious interview about Romanians?
0:13:51 > 0:13:54ROSS: If they moved in next door - if just men, that's what he said,
0:13:54 > 0:13:58they'd have a problem with just Romanian men.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01And the interviewer said, "What if it was, like, German children?"
0:14:01 > 0:14:04He said that was fine but then it was just Romanian MEN!
0:14:04 > 0:14:06# Hallelujah, it's... #
0:14:06 > 0:14:10And he broke into song and he ripped off his thing...
0:14:10 > 0:14:12HE HUMS TUNE
0:14:12 > 0:14:13APPLAUSE
0:14:13 > 0:14:17And it turned out he had a spangly outfit on underneath.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Purple spangles - who knew?
0:14:20 > 0:14:21It was on YouTube, that interview.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24I would advise everyone to go and see it.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26It's really very, very funny indeed.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29He goes, "Well, what's the problem with that?"
0:14:29 > 0:14:32And his comeback was, "Oh, you know.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34"You know."
0:14:34 > 0:14:35- He did...- What a great way of...
0:14:35 > 0:14:39Like, every time Paxman's talking to him - "What about this?"
0:14:39 > 0:14:41"Oh, I think you know.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43"I think I don't have to tell you.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48"Ooohhh!"
0:14:48 > 0:14:50How did Farage then try to backtrack on what he'd said
0:14:50 > 0:14:53about Romanians? The day after the interview.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56He said he'd been a bit tired. He's just a bit overtired.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Yeah, that's exactly what he said. He said...
0:15:03 > 0:15:06The form of words, presumably, he would have liked to have used is
0:15:06 > 0:15:08"They're all a bunch of thieving gypos", I would imagine.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Ian, I do wonder what your old Romanian mate,
0:15:13 > 0:15:17the 1972 Wimbledon Men's Singles finalist, Ille Nastase,
0:15:17 > 0:15:20might make of all of this. You did play him, didn't you?
0:15:20 > 0:15:23LAUGHTER
0:15:23 > 0:15:28I did play tennis with Nastase once and won a doubles tournament.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31I don't know why that's of any interest to anybody.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Except me, cos we won.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36I thought when she said you played him, I thought you meant, like,
0:15:36 > 0:15:38in a biopic of his life.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- He was mayor of somewhere or other in Romania.- Was it Sibiu?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46It could well have been. Have you been there?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Yes, I have, it's brilliant.
0:15:48 > 0:15:53I love Romania. I think more of them should come over. Yeah.
0:15:53 > 0:15:59I think Farage just doesn't like them cos they sound like Dracula.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02If somebody moved in next door to me and was like,
0:16:02 > 0:16:07DRACULA VOICE: "Velcome..." I'd be, like, "Yes! Come on!"
0:16:07 > 0:16:10- DRACULA VOICE:- "You have an interesting patio in your garden."
0:16:10 > 0:16:13You wouldn't see much of them, would you, in the day?
0:16:13 > 0:16:18Well, it's win-win for Farage, isn't it? Just, you know,
0:16:18 > 0:16:21he's not going to see his neighbours cos they'll be in the coffins.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26We shouldn't forget that there is another party on the right -
0:16:26 > 0:16:29the Conservative Party. What was David Cameron up to
0:16:29 > 0:16:32in the latter stages of his Euro election campaigning this week?
0:16:32 > 0:16:34He went on a walkabout with Boris. He thought,
0:16:34 > 0:16:36"If we're going to have a nutter-vote,
0:16:36 > 0:16:40"I'm going to have some of it."
0:16:40 > 0:16:43In fact, at one point on his little walkabout they actually sat down
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- and he was photographed waiting for a train with Boris.- Really?- Yes.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Interesting contrast in body language.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55One seems to be ready and waiting for any opportunity
0:16:55 > 0:16:57that might come along...
0:16:57 > 0:16:59and the other one remembers he's a married man.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04ROSS: It's a very long tie Boris has got on there, isn't it?
0:17:04 > 0:17:09Shouldn't it stop, like, above the gentleman's area?
0:17:09 > 0:17:12No, it's clipped to the bottom with a padlock!
0:17:15 > 0:17:19Has it got Velcro and he's just put it on his balls?
0:17:22 > 0:17:26This is Nigel Farage, who failed to turn up for a UKIP event in Croydon.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30Nigel Farage didn't turn up at the UKIP rally in south London
0:17:30 > 0:17:32where there were ugly scenes.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Now, that's either a protestor in Croydon, or his driver at Gatwick,
0:17:35 > 0:17:37waiting to pick him up.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44A good portion of the country only know the European elections
0:17:44 > 0:17:47are happening because of all the cheaply-printed leaflets
0:17:47 > 0:17:49that are being shoved through their letter box,
0:17:49 > 0:17:52which could well lead to one seat in the European Parliament going to
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Margherita Crusty-Base of the Pizza Hut Party.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Actually, I voted this morning
0:17:59 > 0:18:02and that would have been quite a good option.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Incredible, the number of people on the ballot sheet.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06- It's, like, that long.- Yeah.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09My favourite one - did you see at the bottom? - the Roman Party.
0:18:09 > 0:18:14- Yeah!- That was amazing! Someone's travelled from the past!
0:18:14 > 0:18:19- The Roman Party.- Imagine he got my vote. Bring back the classics
0:18:19 > 0:18:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:23 > 0:18:26- But Farage was on our bit of paper. - Yes, yes, he was.
0:18:26 > 0:18:31And it's quite scary when you drive around, like, rural Kent,
0:18:31 > 0:18:33and there's so many UKIP posters.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36If you go on Google Earth it looks like a bruise.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43It's on now to Round Two, the Picture Spin quiz.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48BUZZER
0:18:48 > 0:18:51It's a football, it's a candle, it's a birthday cake.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Yaya Toure, Manchester City player,
0:18:53 > 0:18:56got very upset because nobody bought him a birthday cake for his birthday
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- and he now wants to get a transfer. - Is that true?- Yeah, course it is.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02- You don't think I'm making it up? - It's almost true.- Almost true.
0:19:02 > 0:19:07Except it's about the Queen opening the palace in...
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Rochdale, dedicated to the memory of a cocker spaniel
0:19:09 > 0:19:12she once knew in 1934.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15As you say, the argument actually began...
0:19:15 > 0:19:18- They did get him a birthday cake. - Yeah.- But apparently,
0:19:18 > 0:19:21that just wasn't good enough, because Yaya's agent, Dimitri Seluk,
0:19:21 > 0:19:22pointed out...
0:19:27 > 0:19:28That is revolting(!)
0:19:32 > 0:19:34- You can rent them, though.- Yes.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Do you know how much Yaya Toure is reputed to be paid?
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Is it £70 a week?
0:19:41 > 0:19:45Is it enough to buy some groceries for the Milibands?
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Round about 220 grand a week.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49- Right.- So he can afford a cake.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- Do you know what he had to say about the matter?- "I am disgusted.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55"Obviously shows that I am not worth anything to this club
0:19:55 > 0:19:58"and I want to sign for somebody else who'll pay more money."
0:19:58 > 0:20:02Responding to his agent's comments about his birthday, he tweeted...
0:20:05 > 0:20:07And then an hour later he tweeted:
0:20:13 > 0:20:16John, you're from Manchester, are you a big Yaya Toure fan?
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Well, wrong team, I'm afraid,
0:20:18 > 0:20:21but even less so after the old cake fiasco.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25He could buy Greggs.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30- Every branch.- Every branch. - Every branch.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33APPLAUSE
0:20:33 > 0:20:35David Cameron has waded into the world of football this week.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39- Who did he say he would have sacked, were he able?- Richard Scudamore.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Yeah, exactly, the head of the Premier League,
0:20:41 > 0:20:44after e-mail exchanges between Scudamore
0:20:44 > 0:20:47and his lawyer friend Nick West were leaked to the Sunday Mirror.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Who was it that leapt to Mr Scudamore's defence?
0:20:50 > 0:20:51John Inverdale.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55ROSS: Jim Davidson?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00- It was West Ham vice chair Karren Brady.- Oh, yes.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01She defended Scudamore, saying...
0:21:06 > 0:21:08And she should know, working for a club owned by two men
0:21:08 > 0:21:09who made their fortune selling...
0:21:14 > 0:21:17To be fair, though, Hardcore Housewives could just be housewives
0:21:17 > 0:21:19that like to get a lot done.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21You know what I mean?
0:21:21 > 0:21:22They could just be...
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- Not just their house. Other people's.- Exactly.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27"That's not clean. I'm sorry, I'm not picking the kids up
0:21:27 > 0:21:29"till that's clean."
0:21:30 > 0:21:32I prefer your world.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Although you would be disappointed if you got Hardcore Housewives
0:21:36 > 0:21:40and flicked through - "Blimey, everything's very clean in this."
0:21:42 > 0:21:46Which would-be poet is likely to lose their job this week?
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Is it the baker? It's the cheeky baker...
0:21:49 > 0:21:51- It is the cheeky baker. - ..who's been the bored baker.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54He's been putting these haikus in packets of biscuits
0:21:54 > 0:21:56in branches of Sainsbury's. We'll take a look at them.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06- Yeah, that's a haiku, that, innit? - The next one...
0:22:12 > 0:22:15- Hey, he's good. He's on fire. - Yeah.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17What do you make of this one, John?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24AUDIENCE GROANS AND LAUGHS
0:22:24 > 0:22:28- That's good news from the guy who's baking your stuff.- Yes - reassuring.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32Who knew he was an incurable romantic?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34- What are the rules? - Got to be three lines.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Five-seven-five syllables. Like this one...
0:22:37 > 0:22:39"Smarter men than I
0:22:39 > 0:22:40"Have been total idiots
0:22:40 > 0:22:42"I've met them all."
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Or, "To freeze the moment
0:22:46 > 0:22:47"In 17 syllables
0:22:47 > 0:22:48"Is very diffic..."
0:22:50 > 0:22:52That's the one that I'm most known for.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56APPLAUSE
0:22:56 > 0:22:59This is Yaya Toure and the furore about his...
0:22:59 > 0:23:03Was that a haiku you just did? Was there a rhyme in there?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05- No, there's no rhyme in it. - Oh, there's no rhymes.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08- Can you do that one again as a limerick?- Yeah.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12- Yaya Toure had a bit of a furore... - Who set off a furore.
0:23:12 > 0:23:17- He wanted a cake... - But a terrible mistake...
0:23:17 > 0:23:20They said, "This is a rubbish story."
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Boom!
0:23:22 > 0:23:24APPLAUSE
0:23:24 > 0:23:26That was like a posh version of 8 Mile.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31This is Yaya Toure and the furore...
0:23:31 > 0:23:33See what I mean?
0:23:36 > 0:23:38This is Yaya Toure and the stramash
0:23:38 > 0:23:41about his disappointing 31st birthday party...
0:23:44 > 0:23:46JOHN: Oh, you're good.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49..where, apparently, he celebrated being six years old.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Manchester City have tried to make amends
0:23:51 > 0:23:53by buying him a princess outfit.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00You ever had a birthday cake on this show, Paul?
0:24:00 > 0:24:02No, never had a birthday cake.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04But my birthday's in July, when we're not on.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08But I don't really think that's a good enough reason.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14My birthday's in July as well.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18- What day in July?- 13th. - The same day as mine!
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Daddy! No, can't be...
0:24:23 > 0:24:25- What date is it?- July the 9th.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28- Oh, right.- That's not particularly sad but thank you.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32I was hoping for July the 10th but you know what mums are like.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Right, fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41BUZZER
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Theresa May - she's taken off the helmet part.
0:24:47 > 0:24:48She's terrified of the police.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51She's given a speech to the Police Federation, saying,
0:24:51 > 0:24:54"We're going to cut off all your money. You're absolutely useless
0:24:54 > 0:24:56"and you need reform and we're not asking you, we're telling you."
0:24:56 > 0:24:59And usually, the Tories, they go to the police events
0:24:59 > 0:25:01and everyone claps and they say,
0:25:01 > 0:25:03"You're marvellous and we need more of you on the beat."
0:25:03 > 0:25:05And she just said, "You're rubbish."
0:25:05 > 0:25:08And they all said, "Oh! Police brutality!"
0:25:11 > 0:25:13What measures precisely did Theresa May say
0:25:13 > 0:25:17had already been taken against the Police Federation?
0:25:17 > 0:25:20- Well, they've cut their money. - Yeah - £190,000 has been cut.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22- Well, they're sitting on a vast pile of money.- Yeah.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Some of which they use to sue satirical magazines
0:25:24 > 0:25:27who write things about the police.
0:25:27 > 0:25:28Well, you're quite right,
0:25:28 > 0:25:31they're sitting on these huge amounts of money.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33The government say there's now going to be an inspection
0:25:33 > 0:25:35of Police Federation accounts
0:25:35 > 0:25:37and the money being held in them, and there is...
0:25:44 > 0:25:47What is that frock? I can't get past it.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Is she standing in it?
0:25:51 > 0:25:55She's worried that she's going to be tasered.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58ROSS: If you...if you look at it from the other side,
0:25:58 > 0:26:00she's actually holding both of them by the throat.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- You cleaned that one up.- Yes.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07I certainly did.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12- They don't call them "truncheons" any more.- No.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Call them batons.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Or a nightstick, I believe.
0:26:16 > 0:26:17Oh, hello.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23Can't disperse crowds with it, though.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Theresa May's speech was met with anger by the Police Federation.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29She was forced to leave the conference hall out through
0:26:29 > 0:26:33the delivery entrance at the back, otherwise known as the "Pleb Gate".
0:26:35 > 0:26:37OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Berlusconi appeared on Newsnight.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49And Jeremy Paxman asked him a series of quite rude questions.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52ROSS: This, weirdly, all took place at the Chelsea Flower Show.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54In the Bunga Bunga Garden.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57LAUGHTER
0:26:57 > 0:27:01You can tell his hair's been sprayed for greenfly, anyway, looking at it.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06So, yes, this is Jeremy Paxman's rather fruity interview
0:27:06 > 0:27:09with Silvio Berlusconi. Let's take a little look.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Do you have a particular problem with Angela Merkel?
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Is it true you called her an unfuckable lard arse?
0:27:15 > 0:27:19LAUGHTER
0:27:19 > 0:27:22SCATTERED APPLAUSE
0:27:24 > 0:27:29TRANSLATION: No, I have never had any problems with Angela Merkel.
0:27:29 > 0:27:34In 20 years of politics, I have never insulted anyone.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36LAUGHTER
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Is that really what he said?
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Cos, judging by his hands there, I think he was going,
0:27:41 > 0:27:44"Yes, I love it, it's a big lard arse!
0:27:44 > 0:27:47"If anything, it is the most fuckable thing ever!
0:27:47 > 0:27:49"Oo-er!"
0:27:49 > 0:27:53And the translator's going, "No, I never did that.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55"Um, I've never insulted her."
0:27:55 > 0:27:59"It's lovely! I squeeze it all the time!"
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Look at him there! Look at him!
0:28:02 > 0:28:05LAUGHTER
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Jeremy Paxman does have the air of a man who's not staying around
0:28:08 > 0:28:10for much longer, doesn't he?
0:28:10 > 0:28:12In the programme, I meant.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14- It's a bit demob happy, isn't it?- Yes.
0:28:14 > 0:28:18"Last day, I'd say anything. I know, I'll say..."
0:28:18 > 0:28:19LAUGHTER
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Go on.
0:28:21 > 0:28:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:22 > 0:28:26- No! No!- No!- No!
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Could you, if you really wanted to?
0:28:28 > 0:28:30- Uh, no.- No.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33It'd be like finding out that entertainers from your childhood
0:28:33 > 0:28:35were sort of... No, no, forget it.
0:28:35 > 0:28:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:40 > 0:28:43So, we saw Berlusconi there claim that he's never insulted anybody
0:28:43 > 0:28:47in his 20 political years. Um, does anyone believe that?
0:28:47 > 0:28:49No, it's a complete lie!
0:28:49 > 0:28:53Let's just look at the insult he threw at Obama. He said...
0:29:02 > 0:29:03GASPING
0:29:03 > 0:29:06He insulted gay people. He said...
0:29:10 > 0:29:13And he insulted all Italians. He said...
0:29:16 > 0:29:18LAUGHTER
0:29:18 > 0:29:20You know what his next job is?
0:29:20 > 0:29:22He's standing for UKIP!
0:29:22 > 0:29:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:24 > 0:29:28He also, during this interview with Paxman, explained why he once hid
0:29:28 > 0:29:31from Angela Merkel. Let's hear his explanation.
0:29:31 > 0:29:35And the time when you jumped out from behind a monument and went, "Cuckoo!"
0:29:35 > 0:29:39to Angela Merkel, that was just a joke, was it?
0:29:39 > 0:29:42- TRANSLATION:- She enjoyed it.
0:29:42 > 0:29:44I explained why I did the cuckoo thing.
0:29:44 > 0:29:47A few days earlier,
0:29:47 > 0:29:51I had been to Saint Petersburg to visit Putin...
0:29:51 > 0:29:54HE SPEAKS ITALIAN
0:29:57 > 0:29:59"Cuckoo!"
0:29:59 > 0:30:01- TRANSLATION:- Putin hid behind a pillar
0:30:01 > 0:30:04and did "Cuckoo!" to me from behind.
0:30:04 > 0:30:07SUSTAINED LAUGHTER
0:30:15 > 0:30:17I don't know where to look!
0:30:17 > 0:30:20These are world leaders...
0:30:20 > 0:30:22deciding our future.
0:30:22 > 0:30:25"Cuckoo!"
0:30:25 > 0:30:27I don't know if you noticed this week but Jeremy Paxman
0:30:27 > 0:30:30thanked his production team for his leaving gift.
0:30:30 > 0:30:33It was a lifelike ventriloquist's dummy.
0:30:33 > 0:30:35LAUGHTER
0:30:38 > 0:30:41Meanwhile, where was Prince Philip this week?
0:30:41 > 0:30:43He's furious.
0:30:43 > 0:30:44He's had a hand operation.
0:30:44 > 0:30:48- I've seen in a picture of him in a horse and cart.- Well, that's...
0:30:48 > 0:30:50In the driving seat, like, not in the back.
0:30:50 > 0:30:53Yeah. I think that was the week before last. This week he visited
0:30:53 > 0:30:56a family planning clinic in London and told staff...
0:31:00 > 0:31:03He hasn't lost it, has he?
0:31:05 > 0:31:09- Would you like to see Prince Charles admiring a bust?- Mm.- Yes.
0:31:12 > 0:31:16Is that made out of butter or sponge or is it actually stone?
0:31:16 > 0:31:17No, I think that's Camilla.
0:31:17 > 0:31:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:31:21 > 0:31:23HE MOUTHS
0:31:25 > 0:31:29Now it's on to the Odd One Out round. Your four are -
0:31:29 > 0:31:30Tomsk the Womble,
0:31:30 > 0:31:31Simferopol
0:31:31 > 0:31:32dubnium,
0:31:32 > 0:31:35and John Cooper Clarke.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38Blimey! The third one, dubnium,
0:31:38 > 0:31:41- is that some sort of chemical element?- It is, yes.- Right, OK.
0:31:41 > 0:31:44Is it something being taught at school? Something to do with that?
0:31:44 > 0:31:46Cos John's on a syllabus here.
0:31:46 > 0:31:49I think John should think about his other name.
0:31:49 > 0:31:50And that might give a good clue.
0:31:50 > 0:31:52- What, Cooper?- No.
0:31:52 > 0:31:54Your other performing name.
0:31:54 > 0:31:56Mavis Roberts?
0:31:57 > 0:32:00It is - or it was Lenny...?
0:32:00 > 0:32:03- Oh, Lenny Siberia.- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:32:03 > 0:32:05How did you know about that? Wow, yeah.
0:32:05 > 0:32:07They're all from Siberia.
0:32:07 > 0:32:11Can I just ask, is Tomsk wearing a UKIP hat?
0:32:11 > 0:32:14He's saying, "Siberians go home."
0:32:14 > 0:32:17- Their name is all Siberia...- Yes.
0:32:17 > 0:32:21- Not quite Siberia. The bigger picture.- I've no idea.- OK.
0:32:21 > 0:32:25- Dubnium, named after Dubsteps. - Dubsteps?
0:32:27 > 0:32:30- Yeah.- They're the tribute band, are they?
0:32:30 > 0:32:32Yeah. Was that discovered by Russian scientists?
0:32:32 > 0:32:36JOHN: It's a doorknob from the V and A Museum.
0:32:36 > 0:32:38- No.- I think you better tell us.
0:32:38 > 0:32:42They have all used a name taken from Russia,
0:32:42 > 0:32:46apart from the Crimean city of Simferopol,
0:32:46 > 0:32:50which politicians want to rename Putin City.
0:32:50 > 0:32:52Putin has already given his name to a few things.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54Does anyone know any examples?
0:32:54 > 0:32:55Putin's bucket.
0:32:55 > 0:32:58No, there is a vodka.
0:32:59 > 0:33:02- ROSS: Is there a small crazy golf course?- Yeah.
0:33:05 > 0:33:07Putt-in... Never mind.
0:33:07 > 0:33:09Doesn't matter, doesn't matter.
0:33:09 > 0:33:12Walk away from it. Walk away.
0:33:12 > 0:33:14Walk away from the wordplay.
0:33:14 > 0:33:18There's a mountain in Kyrgyzstan called...
0:33:19 > 0:33:22And, of course, at Berlusconi's mansion there is even...
0:33:24 > 0:33:26Although I think that's in the annexe, actually, to be fair.
0:33:28 > 0:33:31John, why did you call yourself Lenny Siberia?
0:33:31 > 0:33:35I needed to join Equity to do a Sugar Puffs advert.
0:33:35 > 0:33:38- I can't say that - a breakfast cereal advert.- Was it Sugar Puffs?
0:33:38 > 0:33:40It was Sugar Puffs.
0:33:40 > 0:33:43- I'll level with you.- Yeah.
0:33:43 > 0:33:47And the Honey Monster was called John Cooper Clarke.
0:33:48 > 0:33:52- You did one for chips last year. - I did, McCain, yeah.
0:33:52 > 0:33:56- Did you write the poem?- Happy days. No.- Oh, I really liked it.
0:33:56 > 0:34:00- I did Domino's Pizza five years ago. - I missed that one.
0:34:00 > 0:34:02I'll tell you when it was.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05It was at the beginning of the threatened swine flu pandemic.
0:34:05 > 0:34:10And I thought, "There's never been a better time to endorse pizzas."
0:34:10 > 0:34:13I'd seen all the scare stories on the TV about how the hospitals
0:34:13 > 0:34:17would be overloaded and every family in the country, they said, would be
0:34:17 > 0:34:21nursing a precious family member at home with this highly contagious,
0:34:21 > 0:34:25possibly life-threatening virus. And I thought,
0:34:25 > 0:34:28"Well, there's not many nourishing meals you can slide under the door."
0:34:28 > 0:34:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:34:37 > 0:34:38In case anybody was wondering,
0:34:38 > 0:34:41dubnium is the 105th element on the periodic table.
0:34:41 > 0:34:44It was named after the Russian town of Dubna,
0:34:44 > 0:34:46where it was first created.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49They have all used a name taken from Russia
0:34:49 > 0:34:52apart from the Crimean city of Simferopol,
0:34:52 > 0:34:55which politicians want to rename Putin City.
0:34:55 > 0:34:58Tomsk is named after a city in Russia.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01The Wombles live in a tiny burrow on Wimbledon Common,
0:35:01 > 0:35:03which they moved into in 1973,
0:35:03 > 0:35:06and it's now worth £8.6 million.
0:35:08 > 0:35:12Great Uncle Bulgaria and his friends can be found on Wimbledon Common,
0:35:12 > 0:35:14whilst Great Uncle Romania and his mates
0:35:14 > 0:35:17have just moved in next door to Nigel Farage.
0:35:19 > 0:35:21It's time now for Missing Words Round,
0:35:21 > 0:35:24which, this week, features as its guest publication,
0:35:24 > 0:35:27The British Sundial Society Bulletin.
0:35:27 > 0:35:29And we start with...
0:35:32 > 0:35:34- JOHN: Worst seaside resort.- Yeah.
0:35:37 > 0:35:39It's conscience.
0:35:39 > 0:35:42LAUGHTER
0:35:42 > 0:35:43The answer is...
0:35:45 > 0:35:47LAUGHTER
0:35:47 > 0:35:49This is according to Miley Cyrus. Next...
0:35:51 > 0:35:55ROSS: Offered to dress up as a bull and fight a matador.
0:35:55 > 0:35:58Or a part in The Archers.
0:35:58 > 0:36:01He's got a new song, "Heaven Knows I Miss Arable Farming Now."
0:36:01 > 0:36:03SOME LAUGHTER
0:36:03 > 0:36:05That was a really good joke.
0:36:05 > 0:36:07- Hmm.- Never mind.
0:36:07 > 0:36:09LAUGHTER
0:36:09 > 0:36:11- "This Farming Man." - "This Farming Man."- There you go.
0:36:11 > 0:36:13"Girlfriend In Kramer."
0:36:14 > 0:36:16These are bloody good jokes.
0:36:16 > 0:36:18LAUGHTER
0:36:18 > 0:36:20But not in this lifetime!
0:36:20 > 0:36:21You said the answer, which was...
0:36:24 > 0:36:25Hmm. I wonder if that could lead
0:36:25 > 0:36:28to some Morrissey punned farming jokes.
0:36:28 > 0:36:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:36:31 > 0:36:35It's been announced this week that Morrissey has been invited
0:36:35 > 0:36:37to join the cast of The Archers.
0:36:37 > 0:36:39Not much is known about the character, but he will come from
0:36:39 > 0:36:42the nearby village of Umbrage.
0:36:42 > 0:36:43Next...
0:36:45 > 0:36:50ROSS: Is it, "In Yorkshire, what is a greenhouse used for? - T'ripe."
0:36:54 > 0:36:57It's a smoothie. Someone made a smoothie out of tripe.
0:36:57 > 0:36:59Have they? That sounds good.
0:37:00 > 0:37:01The answer is...
0:37:04 > 0:37:09Butcher Lyndon Boot is trying to get new younger customers to eat tripe.
0:37:09 > 0:37:12Here he is. His libido-enhancing tripe smoothie leaves you with
0:37:12 > 0:37:16come-to-bed eyes and for-God's-sake- get-out-of-bed breath.
0:37:18 > 0:37:19Next...
0:37:23 > 0:37:25JOHN: Acquire a Hula Hoop.
0:37:25 > 0:37:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:37:30 > 0:37:33Is it, "eat Yorkshire as a pudding"?
0:37:33 > 0:37:35ROSS: Decision to appear on Splash!
0:37:37 > 0:37:39- This is to turn the lights off.- Yes.
0:37:42 > 0:37:45This is Community Secretary Eric Pickles who,
0:37:45 > 0:37:47according to the Telegraph, says...
0:37:51 > 0:37:54Between you and me, I suspect Mrs Pickles feels much the same.
0:37:54 > 0:37:56Next...
0:37:59 > 0:38:01JOHN: Will to live.
0:38:01 > 0:38:04- His or her virginity.- It's his phone.
0:38:06 > 0:38:08- Prime Minister's number, isn't it? - Yeah.
0:38:10 > 0:38:11And finally...
0:38:18 > 0:38:20ROSS: As you might expect.
0:38:20 > 0:38:22LAUGHTER
0:38:25 > 0:38:28ROSS: Oh, hang on! 250-mile round trip...
0:38:28 > 0:38:32Is this some sort of Proclaimers 500 miles?
0:38:32 > 0:38:35- Yes.- Is it?- Oh, Proclaimer puns!
0:38:35 > 0:38:37Here we go! It's on!
0:38:37 > 0:38:39# And I would milk 500 cows... #
0:38:39 > 0:38:41LAUGHTER
0:38:41 > 0:38:44# You would walk 500... # Oh, you like that one!
0:38:44 > 0:38:46You like that! At last!
0:38:46 > 0:38:48APPLAUSE
0:38:48 > 0:38:49# In my field I've grown some
0:38:49 > 0:38:52# Lettuce from America! #
0:38:52 > 0:38:55Shut your face! Shut your faces!
0:38:55 > 0:38:57The answer is...
0:39:00 > 0:39:02LAUGHTER
0:39:02 > 0:39:05- Now, here is the pedestal without the sundial.- Yeah.
0:39:05 > 0:39:09Although, an expert would still be able to tell what the time is.
0:39:09 > 0:39:11LAUGHTER
0:39:11 > 0:39:14So, the final scores are...
0:39:14 > 0:39:17- Ooh! Paul and John have got four. - Yay!
0:39:17 > 0:39:20Ian and Ross have got nine.
0:39:20 > 0:39:22APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:39:27 > 0:39:31But, before we go, there is just time for the caption competition.
0:39:31 > 0:39:34"Apparently, house prices are going up."
0:39:34 > 0:39:35LAUGHTER
0:39:35 > 0:39:39Or could be mouse prices!
0:39:39 > 0:39:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:39:43 > 0:39:46ROSS: He's reading a tiny copy of the Daily Mail and it says,
0:39:46 > 0:39:49"Loads Of Brown Rats Are Coming!"
0:39:49 > 0:39:51LAUGHTER
0:39:53 > 0:39:55Oh, no! He's got a Welsh paper, a Swansea Chronicle.
0:39:55 > 0:39:58He's missing his wife called Mabel, put the thing in the paper,
0:39:58 > 0:40:02"Have you seen this woman? Heavens knows I'm missing Mabel now!"
0:40:02 > 0:40:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:08 > 0:40:12Patronising applause is the worst kind of all. But I'll take it.
0:40:14 > 0:40:18On which note we say thank you to our panellists,
0:40:18 > 0:40:19Ian Hislop and Ross Noble,
0:40:19 > 0:40:21Paul Merton and John Cooper Clarke.
0:40:21 > 0:40:24And I leave you with news that, after Nick Clegg asks for
0:40:24 > 0:40:28his document on new coalition policy ideas back
0:40:28 > 0:40:30so he can made a few more additions,
0:40:30 > 0:40:32David Cameron sends a researcher
0:40:32 > 0:40:34to fetch them from the filing system.
0:40:38 > 0:40:42A parent at a Pyongyang nursery school looks on powerless
0:40:42 > 0:40:43as his son blurts out,
0:40:43 > 0:40:45"Daddy calls you the fat man"
0:40:51 > 0:40:53And at a polling station in Bromley,
0:40:53 > 0:40:57an unexpected turnout prevents Nigel Farage from casting his vote.
0:41:02 > 0:41:04Good night.
0:41:40 > 0:41:44Has anyone got anyone got any Morrissey farming puns?
0:41:44 > 0:41:46Cos I know for a fact for the last 15 minutes you were all
0:41:46 > 0:41:48thinking of them, weren't you?
0:41:48 > 0:41:51You can see it in your face. You're all sat there going...
0:41:51 > 0:41:52Anyone?
0:41:52 > 0:41:56- MAN:- Big Foot And Mouth Strikes Again.- Nice!- That's the best one.
0:41:56 > 0:41:59- Nice.- Still didn't get the response...
0:41:59 > 0:42:01Now you know how we feel.