0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language
0:00:24 > 0:00:28APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Thank you very much indeed. Good evening.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44I'm Alexander Armstrong. In the news this week,
0:00:44 > 0:00:47as UKIP's new MPs arrive at the European Parliament,
0:00:47 > 0:00:51suspicions are aroused over the party's claims of ethnic diversity.
0:00:57 > 0:00:58After an invitation to appear on BBC News
0:00:58 > 0:01:00to discuss the European election,
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Norman Tebbit is driven to the studios.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09In Naples, after being cleared on a technicality,
0:01:09 > 0:01:12the captain of the Costa Concordia goes back to work.
0:01:12 > 0:01:17FOGHORN BLARES
0:01:22 > 0:01:25And in Westminster, Boris Johnson is asked, if he became
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Prime Minister, would he press the nuclear button?
0:01:28 > 0:01:31No. I don't know. No! It's a matter of sublime... I mean, yes!
0:01:31 > 0:01:33I mean, no! Possibly.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37Who cares? It's very important. It's very important. Watch this space.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39I don't know.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42On Ian's team tonight is an actor in the BAFTA-winning sitcom
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Him & Her, in which he plays the part of Dan -
0:01:44 > 0:01:47lovable, socially awkward, a bit of a loser.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49He also does stand-up. Please welcome Joe Wilkinson.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:55 > 0:01:58And with Paul tonight is a TV presenter who, after winning this
0:01:58 > 0:02:01year's European poker tour, used Twitter to say,
0:02:01 > 0:02:02"I won, I bloody won."
0:02:02 > 0:02:05The very same message Ian put out after winning THIS series -
0:02:05 > 0:02:07only he used a carrier pigeon.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Please welcome Victoria Coren Mitchell.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:02:15 > 0:02:18And so we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19- Paul and Victoria, take a look at this.- Yes.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Ah, yes, there's been an election and the man with the...
0:02:22 > 0:02:25It's always full that pint, it's never half full.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Is it sort of being supplied up his arm?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Um, and there are people congratulating him
0:02:29 > 0:02:30on not finishing the pint.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33And there's somebody... Go on, get stuck in 'ere.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37Um, yes, so those are the losers, I think.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38Those are the people who wish
0:02:38 > 0:02:41they weren't standing in the gymnasium with no votes.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45And this is a re-enactment of the Kennedy assassination.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Oh, no, it isn't.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49I'm hoping it isn't a question very specifically about the results
0:02:49 > 0:02:51cos I didn't really look at the results.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53- I voted.- Yes.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55But then I thought it was a bit like when I bought
0:02:55 > 0:02:56a DVD of the Hurt Locker.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59- I thought, "I've done my bit, I don't actually have to watch it."- No.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01It was the best result for someone
0:03:01 > 0:03:03who is not the main party for 100 years.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04And the annoying thing is,
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Farage says, "I'm going to do this," and he did it, you know.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10And in our political life, saying you're going to do something
0:03:10 > 0:03:12and then doing it is REALLY annoying.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17- The UKIP fox is in the Westminster henhouse.- It is. Yes.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19I found that slightly confusing, partly because I always thought
0:03:19 > 0:03:22- Westminster was meant to be full of fat cats...- Yes.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25..who have presumably eaten the hens, so the fox will do what?
0:03:25 > 0:03:26- Mate with the cats?- Yes.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28How do foxes and cats get on? I'm not sure.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Well, they mate, in the wild.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- Do they?- No.- He doesn't...
0:03:34 > 0:03:36But for the purposes of this bit, yes.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38He's not very foxy, though, is he?
0:03:38 > 0:03:41- No.- He looks like a sort of friendly toad.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- Mr Farage?- Yes. - Yes, you could see him in tweed,
0:03:44 > 0:03:46pooping down the country lane.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49The Sun very helpfully showed us what he'd look like as a fox.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Oh, did it?
0:03:51 > 0:03:54It's also not true because they're not in the Westminster henhouse
0:03:54 > 0:03:56because he hasn't got any MPs.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58That sounds very grudging.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02And it's not just because, you know, you look at the effect that
0:04:02 > 0:04:04having a go at him on this programme produced.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11When the results came in, he said it was his dream come true, wasn't it?
0:04:11 > 0:04:13I don't know. I'd quite like my dream to come true
0:04:13 > 0:04:16because I once dreamt I'd run him over with a plough.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22I was gutted when I woke up in the morning.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Do you know what UKIP's plan is called - the grand masterplan?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27- The Grand Masterplan! - Do you know what it's called?
0:04:27 > 0:04:29That's what it's called.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- No, it's got a better name even than that.- Colin.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35- The Canadian Plan. - The Canadian Plan?
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Do you know why it's called the Canadian Plan?
0:04:38 > 0:04:42It's because in Canada, the Tory party were wiped out completely
0:04:42 > 0:04:45and were replaced by a slightly more right-wing Tory party.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48To be fair, though, whatever we all say about Nigel Farage,
0:04:48 > 0:04:51he is always drunk.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55So it's possible he doesn't know he's leading a political party.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59He might think he is on a massive international pub crawl.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01People basically voted for him because they thought,
0:05:01 > 0:05:03"He drinks in the daytime too."
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Yes, his influence has been particularly strong in Essex,
0:05:09 > 0:05:11traditionally a Tory heartland. And Epping Forest as well.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14There's a tree here we have that looks very like Nigel Farage.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22The political classes are being accused of failing to understand
0:05:22 > 0:05:24people who vote UKIP,
0:05:24 > 0:05:27- so I think let's just have a look for ourselves.- Yeah.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31Really we want to get out of the EEC and fight for our own
0:05:31 > 0:05:34and be a better Great Britain again.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Like before it was, before it was, before it was everything else,
0:05:37 > 0:05:41Great Britain was all over the world then.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44I tell you, Bruce Willis has let himself go, hasn't he?
0:05:44 > 0:05:48LAUGHTER
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Is he one of the items available for sale in the shop?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Can you buy him for £5?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57In his defence, he had been in the pub with Farage all day.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00And what did the BNP's Nick Griffin, who lost his MEP seat,
0:06:00 > 0:06:02what did he have to say?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Nick Griffin said they were racist.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Which is...
0:06:08 > 0:06:11It's like when Karl Lagerfeld said that Adele was ugly,
0:06:11 > 0:06:14when he looks like he's been doodled by a lunatic.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18It was the most encouraging thing about the election.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21I mean, it's the biggest swing to the far right Europe's ever known
0:06:21 > 0:06:24and in this country, the BNP lose their ONE seat!
0:06:26 > 0:06:27You know, we've got far-right lite.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29It's sort of golf-club right we've got.
0:06:29 > 0:06:34We haven't got Front National jackboot.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Even one of the German leaders said,
0:06:36 > 0:06:38"They're fascists," you know.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40And they have got a good record of spotting them.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43Nick Griffin said...
0:06:46 > 0:06:50- Oh.- ..and explained their drop in support by saying...
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Did you see any of the strange fringe parties?
0:06:56 > 0:06:59In Germany, the Dadaist Party candidate was elected.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00They campaigned with slogans like:
0:07:11 > 0:07:14..and proposed building a wall around Switzerland.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23What did Boris Johnson call this EU-wide electoral movement?
0:07:23 > 0:07:28- A blip.- No, he got a great word for it.- A blop.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Is it a flange?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32"Jackoree", he said. A peasant's revolt.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34He wrote in The Telegraph:
0:07:46 > 0:07:49The Conservatives are very upbeat and gung ho. Why is that?
0:07:49 > 0:07:52They don't understand the situation.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Normally, if you're the party in power,
0:07:57 > 0:07:59you get wiped out during these elections.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00But they didn't do that badly.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02I mean, none of the main parties...
0:08:02 > 0:08:04They lost. It's a very boring analysis.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06You can tell I was up all night.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09It was fabulous. It was like the FA Cup final for some of us.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Some Tories have absolutely no hope of winning back
0:08:13 > 0:08:14the voters of a place like Essex,
0:08:14 > 0:08:16including the Tory MP for Thurrock.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Jackie Doyle-Price said...
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Here is the Sky News reporter Jon Craig
0:08:25 > 0:08:29trying to describe what David Cameron's next move is.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32David Cameron will travel to Brussels later today for a meeting with
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Europe's leaders that was always scheduled for immediately
0:08:34 > 0:08:37after the European elections but now has assumed...
0:08:37 > 0:08:41BIG BEN CHIMES Oh, fuckin' hell...
0:08:41 > 0:08:46We do apologise for that. That was a much earlier recording,
0:08:46 > 0:08:49and our apologies from Sky News.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- He's been caught out. He's pretending it's live.- Yes.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58How long's that clock been there?
0:09:00 > 0:09:03I love the way she's so calm.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06I thought that was the report of what the European leaders had said.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11So Ed Miliband travelled to Thurrock to try and win back the voters,
0:09:11 > 0:09:13kick-start Labour's campaign.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15He was asked to sum up his message to the country in just one word.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17And he said:
0:09:19 > 0:09:23..and then went on to use 111 words to explain what he meant.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25To be fair, that is quite a stupid question, though.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28"Can you sum up what the Labour Party is going to do, in one word?"
0:09:28 > 0:09:31I mean, if he could, it wouldn't say much for what they do all day.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Could have just said, "Nation." Just lose the first bit.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39And then just wander off.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Desperately trying not to call UKIP voters racist,
0:09:45 > 0:09:47what did he call them?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- Fascists.- No, he called them:
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Didn't have to say it in one word there.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Although in a recent poll,
0:09:59 > 0:10:03- what do a sizeable chunk of the population call themselves?- Racist.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04Yeah.
0:10:04 > 0:10:0730% of the population describe themselves as racist,
0:10:07 > 0:10:08or a little bit racist.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11That's interesting, because only 30% of the population voted.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13So maybe it was the exact same group.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Yes, these are the big winners in the EU elections.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Nigel Farage described UKIP's success as a political earthquake,
0:10:19 > 0:10:21registering at least 6.2 on the Reichstag scale...
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Sorry, the Richter scale.
0:10:24 > 0:10:29The UKIP leader's wife gave a behind-the-scenes glimpse of life
0:10:29 > 0:10:32chez Farage, as he never calls it, telling the Daily Telegraph...
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Ah, yes, the '70s.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41They don't make them like that any more - cos they're not allowed to.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Politicians turn to meat-based imagery to win over voters.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Italy's Beppe Grillo said...
0:10:52 > 0:10:53Farage said...
0:10:56 > 0:10:59While Ed Miliband has promised never again to eat another bacon sandwich.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01LAUGHTER
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Ian and Joe, take a look at this.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- Lovely day out. - Oh, this is him weeping.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14He's looking very red-eyed. People think he was crying.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Um, that's Lord Oakeshott trying to get rid of Clegg as leader.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22And that's Cable running away from the responsibility.
0:11:22 > 0:11:23This is the fallout.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25The Liberals had a very bad night.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29- Hmm.- As soon as the elections were up, without saying
0:11:29 > 0:11:30what's going to happen, they said,
0:11:30 > 0:11:33"You're going to resign, Clegg. You're going to resign.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36"Do you want to resign now? Go on, cry. Go on, cry.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39"How are you feeling? Resign. Cry."
0:11:39 > 0:11:41And then...
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- Look, I'm a journalist. I know how it's done.- Yes!
0:11:45 > 0:11:47The headline on the BBC website was -
0:11:47 > 0:11:51"Clegg, exhausted, red-eyed and pale."
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Which I thought was quite good because
0:11:53 > 0:11:55women MPs get so ripped apart
0:11:55 > 0:11:57for what they look like and their shoes and so on.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00At least it's happening to the men as well.
0:12:00 > 0:12:05"Exhausted, red-eyed and pale. And is that cellulite I spot?"
0:12:05 > 0:12:08I thought, "The boot's on the other foot."
0:12:08 > 0:12:11There was a Lib Dem coup to try and get rid of Clegg,
0:12:11 > 0:12:14which failed utterly and was ridiculous...
0:12:14 > 0:12:17cos the Lib Dems were doing it.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19They can't even do a coup.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23That bloke Lord Oakeshott conducted a poll saying,
0:12:23 > 0:12:25"Would it be better if we didn't have Clegg as the leader?"
0:12:25 > 0:12:29And then he said Cable knew about this
0:12:29 > 0:12:31because the alternative leader is Cable.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Vince Cable said, "I didn't know about it."
0:12:34 > 0:12:37And then Oakeshott said, "Yes, you did."
0:12:37 > 0:12:40He was asked whether he would like to be the new leader and he went,
0:12:40 > 0:12:42"No, I definitely don't."
0:12:42 > 0:12:45But I'm pretty sure afterwards he winked.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49- Ssh!- The poll was then leaked anonymously to The Guardian
0:12:49 > 0:12:53who only said it had been commissioned by a Lib Dem supporter.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55The company that carried out the poll, ICM, would only say that...
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Vince Cable gave a bit more of a hint, saying...
0:13:05 > 0:13:06So, yes, Lib Dem Simon Hughes
0:13:06 > 0:13:08was interviewed on Channel 4 News about this.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11- Anyone interested in what he said? - Yes.- Yeah.- He said:
0:13:14 > 0:13:15That makes two of you, Simon.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19A senior Lib Dem was quoted as saying...
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Lord Oakeshott's manoeuvrings
0:13:28 > 0:13:30have been described in the press as a putsch.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31What's a putsch?
0:13:31 > 0:13:34JOE: A spelling mistake.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36- A putsch is where you topple someone.- Exactly.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39I don't know why they use a German word. There's an English word -
0:13:39 > 0:13:41coup d'etat.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47Oakeshott took some other pot shots. He said that...
0:13:49 > 0:13:51And that the Lib Dems are a party...
0:13:54 > 0:13:57On the plus side, no little backstabby Lord Oakeshott.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03If Clegg is to go, who are the frontrunners to succeed?
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Chris Huhne is apparently up for it.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Chris Huhne was Matthew Oakeshott's choice.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13Oakeshott funded Chris Huhne and wanted him to be leader.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Charles Kennedy. Is he going to come back?
0:14:15 > 0:14:18- That'd be nice.- Wouldn't it be nice?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20If all it requires is to go down the pub, then...
0:14:20 > 0:14:22LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Any good news, though, for Nick?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Well, I mean, he's Deputy Prime Minister.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29He'll be there for another year.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31There we are. He was personally thanked by Nigel Farage
0:14:31 > 0:14:34for his sterling contribution to the UKIP victory.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35Which was very nice.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Let's finish the round. UKIP have proved they are a serious party,
0:14:38 > 0:14:39running for serious power.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Here is Labour MEP Catherine Stihler waiting for the result
0:14:43 > 0:14:46in Edinburgh, along with the ultimately successful
0:14:46 > 0:14:48UKIP MEP, David Coburn.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53Good luck with that, Edinburgh.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55This is the Lib Dems' disastrous election result
0:14:55 > 0:14:58and here's Nick Clegg after the elections at a youth club
0:14:58 > 0:15:00in Westminster.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02There we go - sinking the yellows.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:09 > 0:15:11The Green Party complained that in spite of getting
0:15:11 > 0:15:14more votes than the Lib Dems, the BBC was completely ignoring them.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Anyway, here's another picture of Nigel Farage with a pint.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22So at the end of that round, two points each.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25APPLAUSE
0:15:31 > 0:15:35And so to round two, The Picture Pull-Out Quiz.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Much the same as The Picture Spin Quiz
0:15:37 > 0:15:39but we've dispensed with that expensive spinner.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46BUZZER
0:15:46 > 0:15:49- Yes. - Luis Suarez has got a knee injury.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51There's a World Cup coming up soon.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53He's playing for Uruguay against England.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55He's had a successful knee operation.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Luis has apparently texted all of England's players to say that
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- he will be ready and fit in time. - Yes.- I'm not a doctor
0:16:01 > 0:16:04but if he doesn't want a knee injury, maybe he should stop running about
0:16:04 > 0:16:06and kicking things.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11Roy Hodgson is said to be very worried. Here he is. Worried.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17- He's worried, yeah.- That's not eating enough fibre maybe.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21What did The Sun do to help make Luis feel a bit better?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Did they make his knee look like a fox?
0:16:24 > 0:16:26They've got this special fox applicator now -
0:16:26 > 0:16:28they feel they should use it every week.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31They sent him a "get well slowly" card.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34I am actually, because of the next World Cup being in Qatar,
0:16:34 > 0:16:38which is terrible, and all those people overworked and dying,
0:16:38 > 0:16:41I'm going to boycott this World Cup, not going to watch a single match.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44What do you think, Ian, will you join me in the boycott?
0:16:44 > 0:16:46- Yes.- Not going to watch a single minute of football.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48- Yes. And it will be totally on principle!- Yeah.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52It's a sad state of affairs where
0:16:52 > 0:16:56we're hoping that the other players get hurt.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58It's not a good strategy.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01I honestly don't think we're going to win the World Cup.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Ooh! Shut up!
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Let's go out in a blaze of glory.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11Let's not take our best players. Let's take our worst players.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Let's take 11 pensioners.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Let's take the 1966 World Cup team.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19The best chance we've got is if
0:17:19 > 0:17:22they don't complete the stadiums in time.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27They'll just have to call it a draw.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30On the subject of football, what is this?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Stephen Hawking's formula for how England will win the World Cup.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35That's it!
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Here he is. There we are.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40I think he's losing his touch, if I'm honest.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46It's been put together by Paddy Power, an Irish bookmaker's,
0:17:46 > 0:17:48as a publicity stunt in the hope that
0:17:48 > 0:17:49news media will pick up on it.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Hawking summed up our chances by saying...
0:17:59 > 0:18:02He obviously wasn't at Wayne Rooney's last birthday party.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Who surprised everyone by kicking a football this week?
0:18:07 > 0:18:09- Alex Salmond.- Exactly.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Heading a ball.
0:18:11 > 0:18:16Trying to appeal to ex-SNP voters, who'd gone over to UKIP.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20This obviously got all the Twitter photo montages busy,
0:18:20 > 0:18:22and they came up with this:
0:18:24 > 0:18:26And this:
0:18:30 > 0:18:33What is the big football news from Scotland?
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Oh, come on!
0:18:36 > 0:18:38They drew with Nigeria.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- That's the big news. - This is the big news.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43It's being investigated by police over claims
0:18:43 > 0:18:45it had been targeted by match fixers.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Would you like to see the Nigerian goalkeeper not saving a goal?
0:18:47 > 0:18:49I'd love to see it.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58I saw 20 quid sticking out of his glove.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Afterwards he said, "Whoopsie, what am I like?"
0:19:05 > 0:19:06That's amazing.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Do you not get arrested for that?
0:19:08 > 0:19:13We're not suggesting, of course, that anything untoward took place.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15- I thought you were.- No, we're not.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18- Don't bring us into it. - No, look at this.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Nothing untoward.
0:19:22 > 0:19:23That's kind of fine.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Alarm bells started ringing when someone bet 50p on Scotland.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Do people ever investigate poker matches, like that?
0:19:32 > 0:19:35There was one, a few years ago, where a chap -
0:19:35 > 0:19:37I thought it was quite clever -
0:19:37 > 0:19:39a chap had paid the masseuses - they have girls
0:19:39 > 0:19:41to give people massages at the poker table -
0:19:41 > 0:19:44and a guy had paid the massage girls, that while they were
0:19:44 > 0:19:47standing behind somebody, to signal with their hands what the cards were.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51I mean, that's subtle compared to just doing that!
0:19:51 > 0:19:52The goal was disallowed.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56And he's their coach - he should know.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02He had 50 grand on a draw. He had 50 grand on a draw.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06This is the build-up to England's early exit from the World Cup.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09The Sun delivered a "get well slowly" card to Suarez
0:20:09 > 0:20:10to the Uruguayan embassy.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Officials weren't amused, telling the Sun journalists...
0:20:14 > 0:20:18..to which they replied, "That's OK, we're a comic, not a newspaper."
0:20:18 > 0:20:22Very unfair to the Beano.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25So, next one, fingers on buzzers.
0:20:29 > 0:20:30BUZZER
0:20:30 > 0:20:32This is the Home Alone guy,
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Macaulay Culkin, who's set up a band
0:20:35 > 0:20:37who are a sort of parody of The Velvet Underground,
0:20:37 > 0:20:39but the parodies involve pizzas.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Exactly right. They're called The Pizza Underground.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45- So do we have some song titles with pizza puns in them?- Yes.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Well, that's not a pun.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Where's "I'm Waiting For Deep Pan"?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Well, they haven't even done "Sgt Pepperoni".
0:21:01 > 0:21:03GROANS AND APPLAUSE
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Thank you very much.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09This is where you've got to ask, you groan at Sgt Pepperoni
0:21:09 > 0:21:12but not at I'm Beginning To Eat The Slice?
0:21:12 > 0:21:15They played in Nottingham where an angry music fan,
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Patrick Mendes, told Culkin...
0:21:21 > 0:21:22And then they went to Manchester.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Macaulay Culkin stormed off stage
0:21:24 > 0:21:27after a fan interrupted his kazoo solo.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- In other pop news... - Yes.- What is going on here?
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Geoffrey Boycott and who is that?
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- JOE: Katy Perry.- It is Katy Perry. - Oh, I knew that.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Geoffrey Boycott got to meet his favourite pop star, Katy Perry.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Bit of a slapper meeting the charming Katy Perry.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Here he is on Test Match Special.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48BOYCOTT: 'I'm a good fan of pop music.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50'I like that Katy Perry.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54'She's a good singer. Firework - that was a good record, that.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57'She just has something about her voice.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59'Her voice is good, it's clear, it's strong.'
0:22:01 > 0:22:05'Well, that's wonderful, I'm pleased...'
0:22:05 > 0:22:09'I don't think I'll ever meet her, Henry. She's American.'
0:22:11 > 0:22:15- Also in our pop round-up, Ian, what have 1D been up to?- 1D?
0:22:15 > 0:22:19- Who are 1D?- One Direction. - A penny in old currency, my lord.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25According to Smash Hits, they've, um...
0:22:27 > 0:22:29..they've been smoking marijuana -
0:22:29 > 0:22:33and I, for one, will not be buying their calendars any more.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Are they old enough to smoke?
0:22:42 > 0:22:45I don't think you can be any age to smoke marijuana.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48- Oh, right.- I'm almost certain it's against the law.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53They also, er, filmed themselves smoking it.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57Now, I'm old-fashioned, I know, but if you're going to smoke marijuana,
0:22:57 > 0:23:00don't film it cos you may get caught.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03It's the same reason I don't film myself stealing from petty cash.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09- Very wise.- Ian's bafflement is giving me a terrible flashback.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12You can't put this in the programme because it's just not interesting.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15It might be the best bit of the show!
0:23:15 > 0:23:17We were just making a new series of Only Connect,
0:23:17 > 0:23:20which is this slightly difficult quiz show that I make,
0:23:20 > 0:23:23and we had a team, lovely, you'd have loved them, Ian,
0:23:23 > 0:23:25very dignified older chaps,
0:23:25 > 0:23:28you have to spot the connection between clues,
0:23:28 > 0:23:30and they had the group Tomlinson - Payne - Horan - Malik.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33They stood there and the clock was ticking,
0:23:33 > 0:23:36they go, "Well, of course, there is Thomas Paine, of course,
0:23:36 > 0:23:38"the great political essayist,
0:23:38 > 0:23:41"Terrence Malick, or is it Art Malik?"
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Absolutely so far outside their frame of reference!
0:23:44 > 0:23:47And I started giggling, and I thought, this is awful,
0:23:47 > 0:23:49because they've only got this two and a half minutes.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52I was slightly in tears, and I'd just got myself together,
0:23:52 > 0:23:53to ask them the question at the end,
0:23:53 > 0:23:56"So what's the connection? Tomlinson, Payne, Malik, Styles."
0:23:56 > 0:23:58And he said, "Are they golfers?"
0:24:00 > 0:24:03You'd have fitted right in, anyway.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05- These are the members of One Direction.- Are they?
0:24:05 > 0:24:06Members of One Direction!
0:24:09 > 0:24:10I've just seen the connection!
0:24:12 > 0:24:16Two members of One Direction, Tomlinson and Malik,
0:24:16 > 0:24:20are alleged to be smoking a spliff in this video shot in Peru.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23If you're in Peru, I think it is obligatory to smoke a joint in a car.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25It's in the driving test.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Are you going to say at some point they might not have been
0:24:29 > 0:24:32smoking marijuana? You see them smoking a roll-up, it might not be.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36It is possible... I don't know why I'm suddenly One Direction's lawyer!
0:24:36 > 0:24:37But it is possible...
0:24:37 > 0:24:40This is about as unconvincing as their defence will be.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43No, but they're obviously being filmed passing this roll-up around
0:24:43 > 0:24:44and they're going,
0:24:44 > 0:24:47"Yeah, joint lit, the police can't catch us!" It could have been a joke.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49So what has the fallout been?
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Has their record dropped out of the top ten?
0:24:51 > 0:24:53The Mail Online reported instances
0:24:53 > 0:24:56of the band's huge global fan base...
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Using them as a roach, I should think.
0:25:03 > 0:25:04Fingers on buzzers.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08BUZZER
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- Yes, Paul and Victoria.- Laugh... Laugh Out Loud, or whatever it is.
0:25:11 > 0:25:1525 years old as an abbreviation, as an acronym, whatever it is, LOL.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18- Has it always been Lots Of Love? No? - Laugh Out Loud.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Laugh Out Loud. Right.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24You might have to rethink some of those tweets.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30I don't like... I don't like the shortening of all this.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32I don't do it, I've kind of got to a point
0:25:32 > 0:25:34where I sort of do a protest against it
0:25:34 > 0:25:39where, when I send a text message, I do it like a formal letter.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43I put my full postal address at the top.
0:25:46 > 0:25:51Then their address. Then I put the date. Dear Sir or Madam...
0:25:51 > 0:25:55- Further to your tweet of the 3rd... - That's right.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02- That sounds terrific. Do you want to send me one?- I can't. It takes ages.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05So, who invented "LOL"?
0:26:07 > 0:26:09- Who invented it?- Well, allegedly.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12- Someone who needs a slap.- Yeah.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Apparently it was invented by someone called Wayne Pearson,
0:26:15 > 0:26:17came up with the acronym when he was on a messageboard
0:26:17 > 0:26:20laughing at something written by someone called Sprout.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24LAUGHTER
0:26:24 > 0:26:25Do you ever use "LOL", Ian?
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Not any more, now I've found out what it means!
0:26:29 > 0:26:33Meanwhile, this week, Google dramatically changed their logo.
0:26:33 > 0:26:34- Oh, God!- Have you seen this?
0:26:37 > 0:26:41- And I've just had 5,000 T-shirts printed.- Here's the dusty old logo.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43- Watch, cos here is the new one. - Yeah.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Hey, there you go.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49- Did I blink and miss it? - Do you see what they've done?- No.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51They've moved the second G one pixel to the right
0:26:51 > 0:26:54and taken the L one pixel down and one to the right.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56- So...there we go. - Does that help them avoid tax?
0:26:58 > 0:26:59They could certainly offset it.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04I always think the E is having a great time.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12It is literally LOL-ing, isn't it?!
0:27:15 > 0:27:18- But what else...? - LAUGHTER
0:27:18 > 0:27:20What else have Google done this week, Paul?
0:27:20 > 0:27:22I'm not telling you!
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Well, they've invented... They've invented it,
0:27:25 > 0:27:27they are pushing this car, the driver-less car.
0:27:27 > 0:27:31You can see the scene in country pubs, can't you, in 20 years' time?
0:27:31 > 0:27:33People come out completely and utterly drunk,
0:27:33 > 0:27:36stagger into the wrong cars, give the wrong address,
0:27:36 > 0:27:38and end up living somewhere else for 30 years.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Is there no chance that it'll just crash? The system?
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Apparently it hasn't, yet.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46I'll tell you what it can't do.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49One of the problems they have to get round
0:27:49 > 0:27:50is if there is a diversion, or an accident,
0:27:50 > 0:27:52and a policeman saying, "Stop".
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Why don't you just plough into him?
0:27:55 > 0:27:57- They'll soon learn!- Yeah.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00But they're not that confident, cos they have made the glass
0:28:00 > 0:28:03sort of softer, so if you hit it,
0:28:03 > 0:28:04it won't hurt as much,
0:28:04 > 0:28:07which doesn't fill me with confidence.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09They've just had Google glasses out,
0:28:09 > 0:28:12and then they found they give you a headache.
0:28:12 > 0:28:16You get more of a headache if you smash into a windscreen.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22Yes, this is the news that the acronym LOL is 25 years old.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Another widely used online phrase is Rolling On Floor Laughing,
0:28:25 > 0:28:28shortened to ROFL, but nowadays if you sign off your message
0:28:28 > 0:28:31with that, you really have got to get the spelling right.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38Which means at the end of this round it is two points to Ian and Joe
0:28:38 > 0:28:40- but Paul and Victoria, five.- Five?!
0:28:40 > 0:28:42APPLAUSE
0:28:42 > 0:28:43APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:28:48 > 0:28:50And now onto the Odd-One-Out Round.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Ian and Joe, your four are Kim Kardashian,
0:28:53 > 0:28:56the Crown Prince and Princess of Thailand,
0:28:56 > 0:28:57the owner of Fenton
0:28:57 > 0:28:59and Jeremy Clarkson.
0:28:59 > 0:29:03Her wedding, it was ridiculously expensive,
0:29:03 > 0:29:08apparently it was, like, four million...dollars, I presume.
0:29:08 > 0:29:10Must have had a cracking buffet.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15Fenton was the dog whose owner was on video
0:29:15 > 0:29:17when he was chasing the deer.
0:29:17 > 0:29:21- He was a dog. - He was a dog.- Yes. OK.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23That's quite a big clue, then.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26But the others aren't dogs. It's not that easy, is it?
0:29:26 > 0:29:28Oh, right!
0:29:28 > 0:29:31Jeremy Clarkson's been in trouble, he's been in trouble a lot,
0:29:31 > 0:29:33but the racist incident before the last one...
0:29:35 > 0:29:36Is this slope or eeny meeny?
0:29:36 > 0:29:39Oh, no, no, sorry, before the last one before the last one,
0:29:39 > 0:29:42so, yes, we're going about four racist incidents before that.
0:29:42 > 0:29:44- The Mexicans. - Come forward from the Mexicans.
0:29:46 > 0:29:49Whoa! Too far, too far, back it up now.
0:29:49 > 0:29:51Oh, he called his dog after a footballer.
0:29:51 > 0:29:55- Didier Drogba.- But he called it? - Didier Dogba.- Yes.
0:29:55 > 0:29:58- All of them have dogs. - Except for one of them.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02Except for the Thailand people.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05Weren't the Thai people in a sex scandal?
0:30:05 > 0:30:06Have I just imagined that?
0:30:07 > 0:30:09There was a video made.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11If there was a dog in that video, I really don't want to see a clip.
0:30:11 > 0:30:16- They had a birthday party for... - A dog! The dog's birthday party.
0:30:16 > 0:30:18Yes, meanwhile, what's going on in...
0:30:20 > 0:30:22Meanwhile, on the other side of Europe,
0:30:22 > 0:30:25a man in a hut in Sweden is inventing dynamite. Erm...
0:30:25 > 0:30:28Embarrassing incidents to do with their dogs.
0:30:28 > 0:30:30Except for Kim Kardashian.
0:30:30 > 0:30:32- Except for Kim Kardashian. - JOE: Because her wedding...
0:30:32 > 0:30:35No, the dog was a bridesmaid. The dog was the vicar.
0:30:35 > 0:30:38They were married by a dog, Reverent Labrador,
0:30:38 > 0:30:41"Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff!"
0:30:41 > 0:30:44- That's, "I pronounce you man and wife."- I'm going with that.
0:30:44 > 0:30:47- There was a dog festival or something.- A dog marathon.
0:30:47 > 0:30:49And they had to pause the wedding.
0:30:49 > 0:30:51They had to block the road outside the villa
0:30:51 > 0:30:54where Kim was having her wedding so the wedding party had to dash
0:30:54 > 0:30:57to their cars before the road got closed.
0:30:57 > 0:30:59Have you ever been involved in a car dash, Ian?
0:30:59 > 0:31:02GROANING
0:31:02 > 0:31:05VICTORIA: I think that's good, I think that's good.
0:31:07 > 0:31:09Car dash, Ian?
0:31:09 > 0:31:12- So they're the odd ones out. - Who are?- Oh, the, the...
0:31:13 > 0:31:15Kim Kardashian is the odd one out.
0:31:15 > 0:31:18- IAN COUGHS - Sorry.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20- A dog?- Yes.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22- IAN COUGHS AGAIN - Apologies.
0:31:22 > 0:31:24Slight coughing fit.
0:31:24 > 0:31:26- CLEARS THROAT - Sorry.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29Do you want to suck a Fisherman's Friend?
0:31:29 > 0:31:32LAUGHTER
0:31:32 > 0:31:35It's a cough sweet!
0:31:35 > 0:31:37That's what he told me.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:31:40 > 0:31:44Well, yes, they have all got into trouble over their dog,
0:31:44 > 0:31:47apart from Kim Kardashian who had trouble getting to her wedding
0:31:47 > 0:31:49after a road was shut due to a dog marathon.
0:31:49 > 0:31:52Kim Kardashian invited Justin Bieber to the wedding,
0:31:52 > 0:31:54so even after the bride and groom had left,
0:31:54 > 0:31:56there was still a massive arse to stare at.
0:32:00 > 0:32:02Jeremy Clarkson was recently accused of racism
0:32:02 > 0:32:05for naming his black West Highland terrier "Didier Dogba".
0:32:05 > 0:32:07There was more canine-based racial tension
0:32:07 > 0:32:08when in a park near Chelsea
0:32:08 > 0:32:10Didier Dogba bumped into John Terrier.
0:32:12 > 0:32:14The Crown Prince and Princess of Thailand
0:32:14 > 0:32:17threw an extravagant birthday party for their pet poodle Foo Foo,
0:32:17 > 0:32:19which, according to a former US ambassador,
0:32:19 > 0:32:21holds the rank of air chief marshal.
0:32:21 > 0:32:23Of course that wouldn't happen over here,
0:32:23 > 0:32:26as the highest rank a poodle can achieve is Deputy Prime Minister.
0:32:28 > 0:32:30- If you're going to have a dog, it should be a decent size.- Yeah.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32When Paris Hilton is clambering out of a limousine,
0:32:32 > 0:32:35I don't want to see her Chihuahua.
0:32:38 > 0:32:39Paul and Victoria, here are yours.
0:32:39 > 0:32:41- The Colosseum...- Yes.
0:32:41 > 0:32:42- ..sheep in Northern Ireland...- Yeah.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44..dog poo in Swansea...
0:32:44 > 0:32:46and a South Korean parking space.
0:32:46 > 0:32:48I know about that, cos I heard about that on the radio.
0:32:48 > 0:32:51They're having special parking spaces for women...
0:32:51 > 0:32:54which are going to be bigger than normal parking spaces.
0:32:54 > 0:32:58So, what happens if you park in the wrong sexual space?
0:32:58 > 0:32:59I don't know.
0:33:00 > 0:33:03- If you haven't found out by now... - Well...
0:33:03 > 0:33:05They're also going to be painted...
0:33:05 > 0:33:06- Pink?- Pink.
0:33:06 > 0:33:08- Painted pink?- They are. Yes.
0:33:08 > 0:33:10Like....a sheep.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12- In Northern Ireland.- Yes.
0:33:12 > 0:33:15And the Colosseum, which is now pink.
0:33:16 > 0:33:18- Is it?- No.- No...
0:33:20 > 0:33:24- Why might sheep...?- I know Italy's lax about ruins, but you know...
0:33:24 > 0:33:28Seoul Council are spending 100 million on making the city
0:33:28 > 0:33:29more women-friendly.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31- That's nice.- And this is part of it.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33Do you know what else they are doing?
0:33:33 > 0:33:36The pavements are being resurfaced with a spongy material
0:33:36 > 0:33:39to make it easier to walk in high heels.
0:33:39 > 0:33:43- It wouldn't be easier.- Wouldn't it? - To walk on a sponge? No!- Oh, no!
0:33:45 > 0:33:48- So that's what's happening in Korea. - Are these official things?
0:33:48 > 0:33:52If that picture of a dog was put up by the Swansea Tourist Board,
0:33:52 > 0:33:56- then they really misjudged it. - No. OK, now, OK...
0:33:56 > 0:33:58Ah, is this the dog that excretes autumn leaves?
0:34:00 > 0:34:02When dogs leave something on the pavement,
0:34:02 > 0:34:04they're going to spray it pink.
0:34:04 > 0:34:06- Yes.- Really? - That's exactly right.- Really?
0:34:06 > 0:34:08In order to highlight the problem of dog do...
0:34:08 > 0:34:10Won't that attract female drivers?
0:34:12 > 0:34:15- "It's pink!"- Only Koreans. - "It's pink!"
0:34:15 > 0:34:17APPLAUSE
0:34:17 > 0:34:20But, in Swansea, this is to highlight the problem
0:34:20 > 0:34:23of dogs fouling the pavement, they're spray-painting them pink.
0:34:23 > 0:34:25Sara and Mark Harris, up in Leicestershire,
0:34:25 > 0:34:27have taken this one step further.
0:34:27 > 0:34:29They are planting pink flags in dog poo
0:34:29 > 0:34:33with the words "dog poo" on them, to help people to avoid them.
0:34:33 > 0:34:35Which is nice.
0:34:35 > 0:34:37JOE: I think it's time to get another hobby.
0:34:39 > 0:34:41This might be in the advice of a court.
0:34:43 > 0:34:46So, the sheep must have been painted pink as well, then.
0:34:46 > 0:34:48- Do you know why? - Yes. Because they love it.
0:34:48 > 0:34:51It's their favourite colour. Look at him, he's happy, that one.
0:34:51 > 0:34:53So, the Colosseum's the odd one out, because all
0:34:53 > 0:34:56the others are dyed pink, and it's natural colour IS pink.
0:34:56 > 0:34:59Exactly right. That's exactly right, yes. Brilliant.
0:35:02 > 0:35:05Fantastic, yes. Do you know how they're doing this?
0:35:05 > 0:35:08Some very cutting edge technology at the Colosseum.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10They are comparing it to old photographs
0:35:10 > 0:35:13- and trying to make it look the same. - And they are cleaning it with, what?
0:35:13 > 0:35:17- Toothbrushes.- Is it Centurions?
0:35:19 > 0:35:22They are cleaning it with toothbrushes?
0:35:22 > 0:35:23- Yeah.- Is it a punishment?
0:35:23 > 0:35:29- No, I don't know!- Is Berlusconi on community service? 200 years!
0:35:30 > 0:35:33They've all been spray-painted pink, apart from the Colosseum,
0:35:33 > 0:35:35which is undergoing a massive clean-up operation,
0:35:35 > 0:35:38which will reveal the original stone had a natural pink hue.
0:35:38 > 0:35:40Sheep in Northern Ireland are being painted
0:35:40 > 0:35:43pink in honour of the Giro d'Italia cycling tour.
0:35:43 > 0:35:45Irish cycling pro Dan Martin said...
0:35:49 > 0:35:52Note to judges - make sure you check his urine sample.
0:35:52 > 0:35:54Which means, at the end of this round,
0:35:54 > 0:35:57it's two to Ian and Joe, but six to Paul and Victoria.
0:35:57 > 0:36:02APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:36:06 > 0:36:08Time, now, for the Missing Words Round,
0:36:08 > 0:36:11which this week features as its guest publication Pain News.
0:36:11 > 0:36:14An annual subscription to Pain News can cost £250.
0:36:14 > 0:36:15Ouch.
0:36:17 > 0:36:18And we start with...
0:36:20 > 0:36:22JOE: Ruin a lemon meringue pie.
0:36:22 > 0:36:23Yes.
0:36:25 > 0:36:27It can, it's true.
0:36:29 > 0:36:30Next...
0:36:33 > 0:36:37JOE: Points out how pointless her stupid effing job is.
0:36:37 > 0:36:40Sorry, I just bought a flat recently, I haven't quite got over it.
0:36:46 > 0:36:49Apparently the estate agent called the woman "rude" and...
0:36:52 > 0:36:54..before writing, "Do you want a job?"
0:36:56 > 0:36:57APPLAUSE
0:36:59 > 0:37:00Next...
0:37:04 > 0:37:07JOE: "Please can I change my surname?"
0:37:07 > 0:37:10- MOCK GERMAN ACCENT: - "Pain is all in ze mind!
0:37:13 > 0:37:16"Take zis aspirin you will feel better in ze morning."
0:37:16 > 0:37:20- Dr John D Loeser... - "That will be 125 euros."
0:37:25 > 0:37:28Don't worry Dr Loeser, Michael Gove's already working on that.
0:37:28 > 0:37:31According to Pain News, another form of therapy is:
0:37:36 > 0:37:38Last seen laughing all the way to the bank.
0:37:39 > 0:37:41Next:
0:37:43 > 0:37:45JOE: Building society.
0:37:48 > 0:37:50Gangster fish.
0:37:52 > 0:37:55- Ronnie and Reggie Crayfish. - That's what I'm after!
0:37:55 > 0:37:57- Just helping it out! - That groan is yours!
0:38:01 > 0:38:02This is on the A38 in Derbyshire.
0:38:02 > 0:38:04The crayfish are holding up the traffic.
0:38:04 > 0:38:07There was one nasty road rage incident when one driver
0:38:07 > 0:38:10saw the crayfish, and the crayfish responded by giving it all that.
0:38:10 > 0:38:12Next:
0:38:15 > 0:38:16- DRAWLS:- "Hello...
0:38:19 > 0:38:20"Put these on."
0:38:20 > 0:38:23- VICTORIA: Cirencester Agricultural College.- Yes.
0:38:30 > 0:38:32A spokesman explained the university's thinking...
0:38:37 > 0:38:39Said Mr Bottom-Spanki.
0:38:41 > 0:38:43Next...
0:38:44 > 0:38:46Fish under a full moon
0:38:46 > 0:38:49and you'll always eat at night, though infrequently.
0:38:52 > 0:38:53It's Chinese. A Confucius saying.
0:38:53 > 0:38:57"Fish under a full moon mean man live in Hampshire."
0:38:59 > 0:39:02- Was Confucius big on Hampshire? - Yeah, huge.
0:39:07 > 0:39:09Next:
0:39:13 > 0:39:15Household pets.
0:39:15 > 0:39:17LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:39:17 > 0:39:19Is it Wayne Rooney?
0:39:19 > 0:39:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:39:23 > 0:39:25Well, that tells you something about the British.
0:39:25 > 0:39:27You boo the idea that pets might be involved,
0:39:27 > 0:39:30but Wayne Rooney gets a round of applause!
0:39:30 > 0:39:32- I don't even know who he is.- No.
0:39:33 > 0:39:34Top Gear.
0:39:34 > 0:39:37- The answer is... - LAUGHTER
0:39:40 > 0:39:42The answer is...
0:39:42 > 0:39:44Oh.
0:39:44 > 0:39:45And finally...
0:39:48 > 0:39:49Gibraltar!
0:39:56 > 0:39:58This is from an editorial by the newly-appointed editor
0:39:58 > 0:40:00who drones on about thanking his wife
0:40:00 > 0:40:02for letting him accept the challenge, adding...
0:40:06 > 0:40:08Though having read his entire editorial,
0:40:08 > 0:40:11I would suggest "happy wife" is having an affair.
0:40:15 > 0:40:17- They're watching this programme! - Yeah!
0:40:17 > 0:40:20Well, one of them is. The other one's pretending to be at work.
0:40:20 > 0:40:23So, the final scores at the end of that round
0:40:23 > 0:40:26are Ian and Joe - two, Paul and Victoria - seven.
0:40:26 > 0:40:29APPLAUSE
0:40:29 > 0:40:33They recognised the European election, and that was it!
0:40:33 > 0:40:35On which note we say thank you to our panellists
0:40:35 > 0:40:36Ian Hislop and Joe Wilkinson,
0:40:36 > 0:40:38Paul Merton and Victoria Coren Mitchell,
0:40:38 > 0:40:41and I leave you with the news that in Hampshire
0:40:41 > 0:40:43a vet manages to relieve Daisy the cow
0:40:43 > 0:40:46after three days of gastric bloat.
0:40:46 > 0:40:48LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:40:48 > 0:40:51There are concerns that Cabinet Office Minister Francis Maude
0:40:51 > 0:40:53may be suffering from water retention.
0:40:56 > 0:40:57And onlookers show their concern
0:40:57 > 0:41:01as Nigel Farage is trapped high up in a burning hotel building.
0:41:05 > 0:41:06Good night.
0:41:43 > 0:41:44Yes...
0:41:46 > 0:41:49- DIRECTOR:- Roll on to Nigel Farage.
0:41:49 > 0:41:51I beg your pardon!
0:41:51 > 0:41:52LAUGHTER
0:41:52 > 0:41:55I didn't know we were having a party!