0:00:26 > 0:00:29APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:32This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I'm Alexander Armstrong. In the news this week, following on from
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Sainsbury's and John Lewis, Poundland unveiled
0:00:45 > 0:00:47their new Christmas advert.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56In Padstow, as a restaurant owner is spotted on the beach,
0:00:56 > 0:00:59diners begin to suspect that their expensive fizzy water
0:00:59 > 0:01:01may not be San Pellegrino.
0:01:04 > 0:01:05And just off the A54,
0:01:05 > 0:01:09it's a memorable first day for the AA's new trainee.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23APPLAUSE
0:01:23 > 0:01:25On Ian's team tonight is a comedian and one of three
0:01:25 > 0:01:29co-hosts on The Last Leg, which celebrated the Paralympics.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31According to the Scottish Herald, the three men clicked.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35Well, that's prosthetic limbs for you. Please welcome Josh Widdicombe.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37APPLAUSE
0:01:40 > 0:01:43And with Paul tonight is a feminist academic who once said
0:01:43 > 0:01:45bras are a ludicrous invention.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48And, out of respect to her, I'm not wearing mine this evening.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50So, please welcome Germaine Greer.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52APPLAUSE
0:01:56 > 0:01:58And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Paul and Germaine, have a look at this.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Oh, yes, this is Andrew Mitchell. And there's David Mellor.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06The man who'll be using a lot of public transport in the future,
0:02:06 > 0:02:10I imagine. He can get a taxi disguising himself as two children.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12First of all, Andrew Mitchell was found guilty of calling
0:02:12 > 0:02:15a policeman "an effing pleb" because he wouldn't let him
0:02:15 > 0:02:17go through the main gate at 10 Downing Street.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20And David Mellor was recorded by a taxi driver saying things like,
0:02:20 > 0:02:22"Don't you know who I am?"
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Yes, they were very upset last week that the Labour Party had
0:02:24 > 0:02:27shown it was capable of being rude about working-class people,
0:02:27 > 0:02:30and it thought, "This week, we're going to trump them."
0:02:30 > 0:02:33The great thing about the Andrew Mitchell case is that
0:02:33 > 0:02:36the judge ruled the policeman was too thick to make it up.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42"Thank you, your honour.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47"I shall leave these premises without a stain on my character."
0:02:47 > 0:02:48What did the judge actually say?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50He didn't have the wit or the imagination.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54Or the invention to come up with it, the policeman, so it had to be true.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58The trial has been beset by unreliable witness accounts.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02What did the copper, Ian Richardson, give as his excuse for not
0:03:02 > 0:03:05recording an official account of the incident in 2012?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08- He said he was too busy. - That's right. He told the court...
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Mitchell, his defence was, "Yes, I lost my temper.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17"I used a whole load of four letter words,
0:03:17 > 0:03:20"but I didn't say 'You are a pleb.'"
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Which is an odd defence.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27And the policeman said, "Actually, you did say that one word."
0:03:27 > 0:03:28And that's what it was all about.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31It was, essentially... It turned into a political
0:03:31 > 0:03:34thing about what the Tory party think of ordinary people.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37And now we know what the judge thinks about...plebs.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Because there was no jury.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Is it cos you have to be tried by your peers,
0:03:41 > 0:03:43and they couldn't find 12 plebs?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47But the judge said...
0:03:52 > 0:03:54What did Andrew Mitchell say about the ruling?
0:03:54 > 0:03:55He called the judge a pleb.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59No, he said he was...
0:03:59 > 0:04:02GERMAINE: The problem is the Latin word, the word "plebs."
0:04:02 > 0:04:06I mean, it's like one of Boris' funny little asides.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09One of those little ancient...
0:04:09 > 0:04:12rubbery things he remembers from school.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18- JOSH:- Is a pleb not what I thought it was?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Plebs is just the Latin word for the common people.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25I think I'm too much of a pleb to know what a pleb is.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Exactly, but that's probably the judge's point.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29What, that I'm a pleb?
0:04:31 > 0:04:34That seems very unnecessary. I wasn't even involved in the case.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38- But you shouldn't be ashamed to be a pleb.- I'm not a pleb!
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Which other toff had a tiff with some riffraff this week?
0:04:43 > 0:04:48David Mellor, as we saw there, was recorded ranting at a taxi driver.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51He accused the taxi driver of ruining their day
0:04:51 > 0:04:54because his wife, I think, had just been awarded...
0:04:54 > 0:04:57an OBE, or whatever, to services to tourism,
0:04:57 > 0:05:00"Come to the land where David Mellor lives."
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Yes, Lady Penelope. And here she is.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08So, when papers described her as a model,
0:05:08 > 0:05:09they really are talking about her.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Yes, they were on their way back from Buckingham Palace.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- It was awards day.- The brilliant thing about it, all the papers said,
0:05:15 > 0:05:18you know, there was Mellor shouting, "You've ruined her day!"
0:05:18 > 0:05:21But, actually, I went and read the transcript.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25And he says, "She just says 'You've ruined my day.'"
0:05:25 > 0:05:28So, actually, his wife had said to him, "You've ruined my day."
0:05:30 > 0:05:34So he turned to the cabbie and said, "No, you've ruined her day!"
0:05:34 > 0:05:38- Yes, David Mellor was accused of being foul-mouthed.- Well, he was.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Fair enough. Here he is back when he was a Cabinet Minister.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42AUDIENCE GROAN
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Here he is as a student.
0:05:44 > 0:05:45AUDIENCE LAUGH
0:05:45 > 0:05:47He hasn't changed at all, has he?
0:05:47 > 0:05:50JOSH: It's like the worst Benjamin Button we're going through there.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Anyway, according to the Sun, Mellor called the taxi driver a...
0:05:57 > 0:05:58He added...
0:06:07 > 0:06:10And David Mellor helpfully reminded the cabbie
0:06:10 > 0:06:12of his credentials as a human being.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15"Successful broadcaster. I used to be a Cabinet Minister."
0:06:29 > 0:06:32See, that would do it. All cabbies are Spurs fans.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Am I wrong in thinking he was involved -
0:06:38 > 0:06:42- this seems most unlikely - in some sex scandal?- Back in 1992?
0:06:42 > 0:06:47- Let's have a look. Here is Antonia de Sancha.- With Max Clifford!
0:06:47 > 0:06:50JOSH: Is that what mobile phones used to look like?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55But that's not why Mellor left the Cabinet. He stayed on after that.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57The Tories were very forgiving in those days.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59It's a very different atmosphere now.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02He eventually was sacked for taking a free holiday
0:07:02 > 0:07:05from the daughter of the PLO's finance director.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11- But, you know, times change.- And nobody remembers that any more.- No.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14I just hope no-one brings it up.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Well, here's a rare photograph
0:07:19 > 0:07:21of Mellor and Antonia de Sancha together,
0:07:21 > 0:07:23courtesy of Spitting Image.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Nice they found a use for that old Andrew Ridgeley doll.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32The story was about toe sucking in a Chelsea shirt.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34I mean, I don't know if any of that was true.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35I mean, Clifford fed all this,
0:07:35 > 0:07:38but he did run off with this actress and desert his poor wife, Judith.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- Is that the wife that was in the cab? - No, this was a new wife.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Oh, he's ruined someone else's fucking day, yeah!
0:07:47 > 0:07:48APPLAUSE
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Ian, you were involved with Spitting Image back then, weren't you?
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- I was, yeah. - JOSH: Is that your leg?
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Look at this.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59There's the young blade of satire.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00- AUDIENCE:- Aw!
0:08:00 > 0:08:03LAUGHTER
0:08:03 > 0:08:05That was pity!
0:08:05 > 0:08:07So, yes, what are the cabbies planning now then?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10One of them actually said, "We're going to probably
0:08:10 > 0:08:14"boycott him because he's broken the cabbies' code."
0:08:14 > 0:08:18- He's actually revealed the secret of the taxis.- Yeah.
0:08:18 > 0:08:24- By taping Mellor, this taxi driver is out of order?- Yes, he'd...
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Except I seem to remember we've had some interesting films
0:08:27 > 0:08:30made in the backs of cabs, involving celebrities.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31Lawrence of Arabia.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Meanwhile, why might the Labour Party have reason to be
0:08:38 > 0:08:40very, very grateful to Mellor this week?
0:08:40 > 0:08:45Because it now makes their indiscretion last week
0:08:45 > 0:08:48- look rather less heinous.- Yes.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51For distracting the tabloids from the row over Emily Thornberry's
0:08:51 > 0:08:53tweet about the house with the England flags
0:08:53 > 0:08:54in Rochester last week.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Anyway, how is Ed Miliband said to have reacted to the whole
0:08:57 > 0:08:59white van man incident?
0:08:59 > 0:09:00- He was incandescent.- He was.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03According to the Telegraph, Ed Miliband was...
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Still not as angry as his brother was
0:09:08 > 0:09:10when he heard that Ed was standing for the leadership.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Who spoke out against the mansion tax this week?
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Angelina Jolie,
0:09:16 > 0:09:18who speaks out about everything.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21She's decided she doesn't really want a house in England
0:09:21 > 0:09:23cos of the mansion tax. Is she serious?
0:09:23 > 0:09:27Yeah, and then complain about paying possibly top whack
0:09:27 > 0:09:30£30,000 mansion tax.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31That's it.
0:09:31 > 0:09:36The average house in London makes that much money in increasing value
0:09:36 > 0:09:38every year anyway.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40She wouldn't even notice it!
0:09:40 > 0:09:43- It's an extraordinary thing... - And she's unbelievably rich!
0:09:43 > 0:09:45And it does make you think, well,
0:09:45 > 0:09:48everything else you say must be rubbish.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54APPLAUSE
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Just a whole load of people who can quite blatantly afford to pay
0:09:57 > 0:10:01£30,000 saying, "This is an outrage."
0:10:01 > 0:10:03It's a tax on the very rich. It is what it is.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05And if very rich people say "I don't want to pay it,"
0:10:05 > 0:10:08why do they have to dress it up as though it's a moral issue?
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- It wasn't Angelina Jolie I was after, actually...- Really?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13LAUGHTER
0:10:14 > 0:10:15Who else?
0:10:15 > 0:10:19- Bill Oddie.- No.- Yeah, Bill Oddie. - Oh, I like Bill Oddie.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22You mixed up Bill Oddie and Angelina Jolie?
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Anyway, to try and move the news agenda on,
0:10:24 > 0:10:27to prove they're still the party of the working class,
0:10:27 > 0:10:31- what other fronts did Labour open up this week?- Private schools,
0:10:31 > 0:10:32out of their enormous wealth,
0:10:32 > 0:10:37are going to have to actually combine with poorer schools
0:10:37 > 0:10:40and make a positive contribution to the community.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44The basic principle is that the public schools have had
0:10:44 > 0:10:47a charitable status which saves them tax.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Hunt's saying, "Why should they now?"
0:10:50 > 0:10:51Which seems to me quite reasonable.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54I mean, even the headmasters are saying the only people who
0:10:54 > 0:10:57can afford these fees are Russian oligarchs.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Is that a charity?
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Educating the sons of Russian criminals?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04And it's unfair to say it's just oligarchs' children.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08There are Chinese Communist Party members as well.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Originally, the schools were set up to, you know, educate poor
0:11:11 > 0:11:13children and provide excellence,
0:11:13 > 0:11:16and all the things they do that I'm all absolutely for.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18But we don't have to give them a tax break for it.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20- I think he's probably right. - GERMAINE: So, tax them.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23APPLAUSE
0:11:23 > 0:11:25So, how are they going to do it?
0:11:25 > 0:11:27GERMAINE: They're going to share their teachers.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30And their specialist classes and so forth.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Specifically, they've been told they need to play more sporting
0:11:33 > 0:11:36fixtures against state schools, not just against other private schools.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Turns out, there's not a school in Peckham that has a polo team.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42"Awfully sorry. Did our best."
0:11:45 > 0:11:47What's Tony Blair done to upset everyone?
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- Wasn't he given an award by Save The Children?- That's exactly right.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Do you know what the award was?
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Man Who Failed To Save The Children.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57It was a star-studded ceremony in New York.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Do you want to name any of the people who were there?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Star-studded event in New York?
0:12:02 > 0:12:03Bill Oddie.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Couldn't get him.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09- Was Angelina there?- No, she was here.- Was Johnny Depp there?
0:12:09 > 0:12:11- No, Lassie was there. - Lassie was there?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Not the original, though.
0:12:13 > 0:12:18- Not the original, no. Dakota Fanning.- Was Rudd Weatherwax there?
0:12:18 > 0:12:22He used to be Lassie's trainer. Rudd Weatherwax.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24He used to be at the end of the films.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Lassie trained by Rudd Weatherwax.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29You'd have to be really interested in films to notice that.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Rudd Weatherwax, R-U-D-D.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34- Um...- Sorry...?
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Look it up in one of your magic machines. Rudd Weatherwax.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41- Rudd with two Ds. - And Lassie was a male.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43- It was a lad.- You're kidding!- No.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45No. Ask Rudd Weatherwax.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49So, we've got a picture of Rudd Weatherwax.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Here he is with Lassie.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Showing her a script.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56He's rewritten some of her lines.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Um, Save The Children.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01What's happened in the wake of this?
0:13:01 > 0:13:02People have complained.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05People have complained. Staff at Save The Children, they said...
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Adding...
0:13:14 > 0:13:16That's Tony!
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Yes, this is the news that Andrew Mitchell has lost his libel
0:13:20 > 0:13:23case against the Sun over the plebgate incident.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Bob Geldof gave evidence about Mr Mitchell's character.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Though, on reflection, it was probably a mistake
0:13:28 > 0:13:29to ask him to swear on the Bible.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33This week, the mansion tax has come in for more criticism.
0:13:33 > 0:13:34According to the Daily Mail...
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Angelina told Channel 4 News...
0:13:43 > 0:13:44That and George Osborne
0:13:44 > 0:13:47cutting child benefit for higher rate taxpayers.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50David Mellor was also caught up in a scandal this week.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52He accused a cabbie of ruining his wife's day.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Mellor ended the journey telling the cabbie...
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Before adding, "Oh, no, hang on, the missus is with me."
0:14:00 > 0:14:02APPLAUSE
0:14:02 > 0:14:03What a cheap hit that was!
0:14:05 > 0:14:08So, Ian and Josh, take a look at this.
0:14:08 > 0:14:09Theresa May.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14And this is her fight against terror. We're just going to leaflet people.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18- And say, "Don't be a terrorist." - Is that what the leaflet say?
0:14:18 > 0:14:21That's what the leaflet says. "Terrorism, not for all."
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Do you know what the leaflets actually say?
0:14:25 > 0:14:30It's advice to the public, and it says, "Run, hide, tell."
0:14:30 > 0:14:31"Theresa May is coming."
0:14:33 > 0:14:36That's right. In the event of terrorism, you should...
0:14:37 > 0:14:41It's not the boldest statement of British values, is it?
0:14:41 > 0:14:44It's not sort of, "Once more unto the breach."
0:14:44 > 0:14:47What is Theresa May proposing? She has new anti-terror laws.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49What sort of things is she proposing?
0:14:49 > 0:14:52In schools, they're going to ban terrorism.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56It's off the curriculum completely.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58It's off the curriculum cos it's a big step forward
0:14:58 > 0:15:00cos, at my school, they banned conkers.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05They're going to educate against radicalism. Is that right?
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Yes. They're also looking at taking away
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- citizenship of jihadists.- Yes.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Two returning jihadists were sent to prison this week.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Did anyone see what they've been getting up to while in Syria?
0:15:17 > 0:15:20- They've been on a course. - They have, yes.- What was it?
0:15:20 > 0:15:22A sort of death awareness course?
0:15:22 > 0:15:25It's all measures that Theresa has announced this week.
0:15:25 > 0:15:26She's announced a lot of things this week,
0:15:26 > 0:15:28and she was on Desert Island Discs.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31She went on Desert Island Discs, people say, to kind of help this
0:15:31 > 0:15:34idea that she's going to be the next leader of the Conservative Party.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36And she chose Walk Like A Man
0:15:36 > 0:15:41because she said she didn't need to walk like a man.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42She could do that with any song.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45"I've chosen Turning Japanese cos I'm not turning Japanese."
0:15:47 > 0:15:52- So, Germaine, purposeful woman? Or pain in the arse?- Or...?
0:15:52 > 0:15:54JOSH: Are we talking about Theresa May?
0:16:00 > 0:16:02What's your take on Theresa May?
0:16:02 > 0:16:03APPLAUSE
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Well, I would hope that I was both a purposeful woman
0:16:06 > 0:16:07and a pain in the arse.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11What are the inevitable comparisons between Theresa May
0:16:11 > 0:16:13and Margaret Thatcher?
0:16:13 > 0:16:14Women.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Point for our team. Thank you very much.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Researchers at the University of North Carolina were
0:16:20 > 0:16:23inspired by Margaret Thatcher to do what?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28They ran a study into the way people's voices change
0:16:28 > 0:16:31from low to high in high-pressure situations,
0:16:31 > 0:16:34where their status needs to be asserted. Should we play a game?
0:16:34 > 0:16:37- Yes, let's play a game.- It's a fun game. OK, now, which of these
0:16:37 > 0:16:40three voices is the most authoritative? We're going to hear
0:16:40 > 0:16:43- the three voices and here they come, Josh. Here's voice A.- OK.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46HIGH PITCHED MALE VOICE SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE
0:16:46 > 0:16:49That's the Turkish Prime Minister.
0:16:49 > 0:16:50No!
0:16:50 > 0:16:52LAUGHTER
0:16:52 > 0:16:53Here's voice B.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- LOWER PITCHED MALE VOICE: - Mr Grimsdale! Oh, Mr Grimsdale!
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Mr Grimsdale!
0:16:58 > 0:16:59That's the Albanian Prime Minister.
0:17:01 > 0:17:06- No!- And here is voice C.
0:17:06 > 0:17:12FEMALE VOICE SINGING, ENDING ON VERY HIGH NOTE
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- It's our very own Germaine Greer. - JOSH: No!- Yes!
0:17:14 > 0:17:17APPLAUSE
0:17:17 > 0:17:19You've got a beautiful voice, Germaine.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22So, which was the most authoritative?
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Of the two prime ministers, are we saying now?
0:17:25 > 0:17:28That was actually Norman Wisdom, the second one.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32- It wasn't really the Albanian Prime Minister.- Oh, you are naughty.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35On regional issues, what have Scotland been given this week?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Is it England?
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- The power to set their own income tax levels.- Exactly right, yes.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42And how has this been made possible?
0:17:42 > 0:17:46I don't know, really, but I think it was a deal done with Gordon Brown?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Yes. Labour has made a U-turn.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51And, according to the Guardian, this meant that the three main
0:17:51 > 0:17:54parties edged closer to a deal with the SNP, and Scottish Greens.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58That's something you don't often see in the menu north of the border.
0:17:58 > 0:18:03Finally, who has had enough of Westminster, and is getting "oot"?
0:18:03 > 0:18:04Clue.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- Mr Brown. Was that your Scottish accent?- Yes, it was.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10- That's very good. - Could you do a bit more?
0:18:12 > 0:18:13- BAD SCOTTISH ACCENT:- Aye.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Why's he standing down now, just after his successful
0:18:19 > 0:18:21involvement in the referendum debate?
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- Quit while you're ahead? - Exactly right.
0:18:24 > 0:18:25According to the Times...
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Which is why it's taken him so long to resign.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Yes, this is the government's plans to combat terrorism.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37According to the Sun, one of the terror plots foiled by the police
0:18:37 > 0:18:41involved a bomb disguised as a printer ink cartridge.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Just how well funded are these terrorists?
0:18:46 > 0:18:47The government advice for what to do
0:18:47 > 0:18:50if a Muslim with a beard sits next to you on the Tube remains the same.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Just shift uncomfortably,
0:18:52 > 0:18:55and have a liberal crisis of conscience about changing carriage.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58And if the threat of terror isn't enough to put you off using
0:18:58 > 0:18:59the underground, let me remind you,
0:18:59 > 0:19:02David Mellor's going to be using it a lot more from now on.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06APPLAUSE
0:19:10 > 0:19:13And, so, onto round two, The One-Armed Bandit Of News.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17So, fingers on buzzers, teams. Here comes the first piece.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21BUZZER
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Yes, Paul and Germaine.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25People have discovered that Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen
0:19:25 > 0:19:26isn't a real character.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Children have been very upset
0:19:30 > 0:19:33because he's been their favourite interior designer for many years.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35No, this is one of the stories that comes up every year.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38The magic kingdom of Santa opened up somewhere
0:19:38 > 0:19:40in Nottingham or somewhere like that.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44It opened up early so when people got there, it didn't look like
0:19:44 > 0:19:47a grotto, it didn't look like fairyland, there was Santa Claus,
0:19:47 > 0:19:49"Have what you want for Christmas."
0:19:49 > 0:19:50So it all went completely wrong.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53But they're reopening, and it might be better.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55- I think they opened too soon. - Yes, that's correct.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56Do you know how much it costs to get in?
0:19:56 > 0:19:58- 25 quid.- £22.50.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00- Oh, it's gone down.- It's gone down.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03This is the magical wonderland billed as,
0:20:03 > 0:20:06"The most amazing Christmas experience that planet Earth
0:20:06 > 0:20:08- "has ever seen."- Oh, that's harsh.
0:20:08 > 0:20:09Well, I think the baby Jesus
0:20:09 > 0:20:11would have a thing or two to say about that.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13- Not if he was a baby, he wouldn't. - No.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17How bad actually was it?
0:20:17 > 0:20:20The artificial snow wasn't there, it was all muddy...
0:20:20 > 0:20:22There'd been very bad weather.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26The elves were all smoking, Santa was drunk.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30- Visibly.- That's quite Christmassy. That's normal.
0:20:30 > 0:20:35Yeah. One of the reindeers bit one of the children.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37- Now, that was made up apparently. - Oh, was that bit made up?
0:20:37 > 0:20:40- Of course it was made up. - Is Max Clifford out?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Here's a picture of Laurence promoting the event on the website.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46There it is.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50And here's what visitors faced when the gates opened last week.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52JOSH: Oh, my God, it looks like one of those...
0:20:52 > 0:20:55It looks like a murder scene, doesn't it?
0:20:55 > 0:20:58What was Llewelyn-Bowen hoping to achieve?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00- Money.- Yes.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03He told the Telegraph before the park opened...
0:21:07 > 0:21:09How did he deal with the complaints?
0:21:09 > 0:21:11He said he wasn't...
0:21:11 > 0:21:15He only came up with the idea, but they'd executed it.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Probably the wrong word... I think that was...
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- He sort of ignored the first round of complaints.- Oh, did he?
0:21:20 > 0:21:24Apparently so. Yes. Then a statement was issued on his behalf, saying...
0:21:32 > 0:21:36Llewelyn-Bowen told Judith Woods, a journalist at the Telegraph...
0:21:44 > 0:21:46What was wrong with the presents they were given?
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- They weren't even wrapped. - That's true.
0:21:49 > 0:21:50According to The Star,
0:21:50 > 0:21:53one present given away to the children was a roll of toilet paper.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58I think the same thing happens every year, doesn't it?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Every blessed year, you're quite right.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Is it always Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen?
0:22:03 > 0:22:04You can't mention his name in the grotto trade
0:22:04 > 0:22:06without people getting angry.
0:22:08 > 0:22:09Other Christmas news.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11What has been designed to ensure that all faiths
0:22:11 > 0:22:13can now enjoy Christmas together?
0:22:13 > 0:22:15- A jumper.- Yes.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Got some crosses on...
0:22:17 > 0:22:20- You've got the Proctor And Gamble Ariel washing machine.- You have.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Yes, for the humanists.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26On the back, it says, "This is what an ecumenist looks like."
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Yes, this is that familiar Christmas tradition -
0:22:28 > 0:22:31the botched, overpriced winter wonderland.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33In Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen's Magical Journey wonderland,
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Father Christmas tried to come down the chimney,
0:22:35 > 0:22:38but unfortunately the fireplace had been taken out,
0:22:38 > 0:22:39the wall knocked through
0:22:39 > 0:22:42to make a velvet-lined, rococo-style brunch bar.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Fingers on buzzers, teams, here is the next one.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53- BUZZ - Oh, yes, Ian and Josh.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55- Lamb chop in space.- Yes.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57- Yeah?- That's it. Thank you. Fingers on buzzers!
0:22:57 > 0:23:00No, lamb chop, but what's the story behind the lamb chop in space?
0:23:00 > 0:23:03There was an author who's launched his book by...
0:23:03 > 0:23:06- Do you know what the book's called? - Lamb Chop In Space?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08- Meatspace. Meatspace.- And he's...
0:23:08 > 0:23:11- He launched a lamb chop into space. - How?
0:23:11 > 0:23:13He removed its gravitational pull
0:23:13 > 0:23:15by really overcooking it.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Did he pump a sheep full of helium?
0:23:18 > 0:23:22Balloon full of helium, put the chop on a fork and here it is.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Look, it stayed on the fork all the way.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30- Tell you what, you couldn't fake that kind of footage, could you?- No.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34So it went up there with a GPS tracker and then it just collapsed.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36It comes to something when a lamb chop's
0:23:36 > 0:23:38had a better, more exciting life than you.
0:23:41 > 0:23:42According to The Mail...
0:23:50 > 0:23:54No! It would have burnt up in the Earth's atmosphere.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- Apparently not. - No, no, apparently yes.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01It's called science. We know about this.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03It landed in a field.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05- ATTEMPTS WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: - "Look at this.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09"That must have been the lamb chop that was up there five months ago!"
0:24:11 > 0:24:15You just read this stuff out without even thinking about it, don't you?
0:24:15 > 0:24:18You're like a member of UKIP, what's going on?
0:24:18 > 0:24:20You've got no idea what you're talking about.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Well, I'm guessing it came down with the GoPro camera and the fork...
0:24:23 > 0:24:24You're guessing?
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Supposing the scientists who landed the probe on the comet,
0:24:27 > 0:24:28suppose they were guessing.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Suppose they thought it was enough to chuck it out the window.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Where would we be then?
0:24:35 > 0:24:40- I... I...- You don't know, cos it's not written on your cue cards!
0:24:40 > 0:24:42It doesn't happen on Pointless.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Why don't you get Richard Osman to answer it for you?
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Yeah, well, exactly, I'll give him a ring.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Well, you can imagine, headline writers of course sharpened
0:24:52 > 0:24:55their pencils and came up with a great number
0:24:55 > 0:24:57of spicy food puns in space. Songs.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Dark Side Of The Lamb Chop.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00Mm-hm.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02- It's a good one. - No, it wasn't as good as that.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Is that the standard we're trying to aspire to?
0:25:05 > 0:25:09Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Chop.
0:25:09 > 0:25:10LAUGHTER
0:25:10 > 0:25:14- Good, I pitched it low. - JOSH LAUGHS
0:25:14 > 0:25:15The Sun came up with...
0:25:18 > 0:25:21LAUGHTER Whoa!
0:25:21 > 0:25:22Oh, it's spicy.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24- Of course.- Ah.- Very good.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Lost In Spice.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28That's good. Already better.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30There we are.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32APPLAUSE
0:25:32 > 0:25:35What else has been up into space this week?
0:25:35 > 0:25:36A sausage.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39- The first Italian woman in space... - Oh, yes, coffee machine.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- That's right. Samantha Cristoforetti.- First coffee machine.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44She's taken the first-ever espresso-maker
0:25:44 > 0:25:45to the International Space Station.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Two Italian companies have been working on the design
0:25:48 > 0:25:50of a space-friendly espresso-maker for years,
0:25:50 > 0:25:53after one astronaut, Luca Parmitano, complained that the...
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Poor Mrs Parmitano.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00LAUGHTER
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Is he married? You don't know.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04You don't know, do you?
0:26:04 > 0:26:06I have no idea. It's not on the card, Paul!
0:26:07 > 0:26:10We're traducing this poor woman who doesn't even exist!
0:26:10 > 0:26:13- What... - LAUGHTER
0:26:13 > 0:26:16What was the difficulty about making espressos in space?
0:26:16 > 0:26:17Lack of gravity.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Exactly that, yes.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21- But then doesn't George Clooney come in...- Yep, yep.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25..from the outside of the space module
0:26:25 > 0:26:26and then just make it for you?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Or am I confusing a number of things?
0:26:29 > 0:26:31JOSH LAUGHS
0:26:32 > 0:26:36Ah, yes. This is the lamb chop that was filmed flying at 82,000 feet.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40It's the first meat to fly in space since that cow jumped over the moon.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Also this week,
0:26:42 > 0:26:45an espresso machine was taken up to the International Space Station.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48It's claimed that this is the first coffee machine in space,
0:26:48 > 0:26:50although Starbucks are now officially based on the moon
0:26:50 > 0:26:52for tax purposes.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54So, fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55Here's the next one.
0:27:01 > 0:27:02BELL
0:27:02 > 0:27:05- Yes, Ian and Josh. - It's a new version of Barbie.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09- Barbie as a computer programmer... - Yes.- Hacker.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11It's to do with a book.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13The Book Of Barbie.
0:27:13 > 0:27:14Is that one of the Apocrypha?
0:27:14 > 0:27:17JOSH LAUGHS
0:27:17 > 0:27:19It's a book of Barbie and the series called I Can.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24But it has been pulled and pulped
0:27:24 > 0:27:27because it is allegedly sexist.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Here is one of the offending passages...
0:27:43 > 0:27:46AUDIENCE GROANS
0:27:46 > 0:27:48What happened to Ken?!
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Oh, I'm asking the wrong person, sorry.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53You've no idea. You've no idea. Don't know what I'm talking about.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56- Erm...- You're the opposite of Wikipedia.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03Why has the newly released Lammily doll been causing a stir this week?
0:28:03 > 0:28:05This is the doll that has cellulitis.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08- It has...- Cellu-leet. - Exactly that, yes.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Unlike Barbie or Ken, supposed to be the first affordable doll
0:28:11 > 0:28:14on the market made according to realistic body proportions.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17The doll also includes cellulite and acne, and according to the
0:28:17 > 0:28:19makers, the doll can come with...
0:28:23 > 0:28:26Here she is. It's quite localised acne, isn't it?
0:28:26 > 0:28:30She looks like she's been the victim of an overambitious sniper.
0:28:32 > 0:28:36What are the optional extra physical flaws that Lammily could come with?
0:28:36 > 0:28:39- Flatulence.- Yeah, yeah.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42For an extra 6, Lammily comes with stickers which allow children to
0:28:42 > 0:28:43give the dolls...
0:28:46 > 0:28:48All the flaws.
0:28:51 > 0:28:55And every doll needs a slogan, of course. What is Lammily's slogan?
0:28:55 > 0:28:57- Oh, "I'm average".- Almost exactly.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00- "Average is beautiful." - Exactly right.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02Speak for yourself, Ian. But, yes.
0:29:03 > 0:29:06- According to the Guardian... - That would do.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15And may I say, how very lucky we are to have you here tonight, Josh?
0:29:17 > 0:29:20Yes, this is the Barbie book that has been slammed
0:29:20 > 0:29:23for portraying its protagonist needing IT support from men.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26The apparently sexist book was written by author...
0:29:26 > 0:29:29Wouldn't have happened if she got a bloke to help her.
0:29:32 > 0:29:35Meanwhile, this week, Tesco have apologised after a seven-year-old
0:29:35 > 0:29:38girl took exception to a sign by some superhero toys which said...
0:29:40 > 0:29:43Not as controversial as Tesco's big plastic calculators,
0:29:43 > 0:29:45which are labelled, "Fun gifts for dodgy accountants."
0:29:45 > 0:29:49Time now for the Odd One Out round. Just one between you this week.
0:29:49 > 0:29:50Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:29:50 > 0:29:54Your four are, American ambassador to London, Matthew Barzun.
0:29:54 > 0:29:56Inmates at HMP Wakefield.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59Tony and Jan Jenkinson, and Michelle Obama.
0:29:59 > 0:30:00BUZZER
0:30:00 > 0:30:01Oh, yes. Paul and Germaine.
0:30:01 > 0:30:04I was just watching Ian go for it, so I pressed it before he got in.
0:30:08 > 0:30:09The couple, Tony and Gemma.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11Tony and Jay, was it?
0:30:11 > 0:30:13- Jan!- They're standing outside the Broadway Hotel in Blackpool.
0:30:13 > 0:30:15- Is exactly right.- Which is
0:30:15 > 0:30:17the hotel which fined them £100
0:30:17 > 0:30:19because they went on one of these
0:30:19 > 0:30:20TripAdvisor things,
0:30:20 > 0:30:21they didn't like their stay very much.
0:30:21 > 0:30:24And the manager, owner of the hotel, saw this
0:30:24 > 0:30:26and took £100 off their credit card.
0:30:26 > 0:30:28- Yeah.- He said it was policy.
0:30:31 > 0:30:34- He'd written it in the small print. - There's a "no bad review policy".
0:30:34 > 0:30:35Apparently it read...
0:30:44 > 0:30:45JOSH: Astonishing!
0:30:45 > 0:30:48I bet Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen's wishing he came up with that one.
0:30:50 > 0:30:52OK, so that's why they're there. The prisoner from Wakefield.
0:30:52 > 0:30:54No, I think they complained
0:30:54 > 0:30:56- about the food.- Oh, yes, Ian. Ian.
0:30:56 > 0:30:58- That's it.- OK.
0:30:58 > 0:31:03Has the American ambassador complained about something?
0:31:03 > 0:31:06Yes, he's been complained about English cuisine, hasn't he?
0:31:06 > 0:31:09- Oh, so it's food.- Food. - JOSH: Have they all complained about the food,
0:31:09 > 0:31:12apart from the couple who've just complained about the general hotel?
0:31:12 > 0:31:14Michelle Obama must be the odd one out.
0:31:14 > 0:31:17- JOSH: Has someone complained about Michelle Obama's food?- Yes.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19APPLAUSE
0:31:19 > 0:31:21Very good.
0:31:21 > 0:31:22APPLAUSE
0:31:22 > 0:31:25Almost exactly right, yeah.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29They've all complained about food,
0:31:29 > 0:31:32except for Michelle Obama, who's been the subject of complaints
0:31:32 > 0:31:34from American students about their school meals.
0:31:34 > 0:31:36American children have been posting
0:31:36 > 0:31:39pictures of their school meals on Twitter, along with the hashtag...
0:31:40 > 0:31:43This is after she campaigned to make the school meals healthier
0:31:43 > 0:31:44and smaller.
0:31:44 > 0:31:48Josh, you look like someone who's had their fair share of low
0:31:48 > 0:31:49nutritional food.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55You're such a sweet talker.
0:31:55 > 0:31:58- Yeah, I...- You have a look at these, Josh.- OK.
0:31:58 > 0:32:02- OK, exhibit A.- Oh. So what's that? A bap?
0:32:02 > 0:32:04And...
0:32:04 > 0:32:06..a thrown-up bap.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09Here's exhibit B.
0:32:11 > 0:32:13That looks like an innuendo that I...
0:32:16 > 0:32:20Tony and Jan Jenkinson who went to the Broadway, in Blackpool,
0:32:20 > 0:32:22on TripAdvisor they made their little review.
0:32:22 > 0:32:24What actually was wrong with the hotel? I mean...
0:32:24 > 0:32:28It was a full David Mellor. They said it was...
0:32:28 > 0:32:30ghastly and smelly and...
0:32:30 > 0:32:31They said...
0:32:40 > 0:32:42Oh, have you got their number?
0:32:42 > 0:32:46Not an actual plastic sausage?
0:32:46 > 0:32:49- I'm guessing not.- No. - So the prisoners at Wakefield jail.
0:32:49 > 0:32:53Do you know what complaints one convict had regarding fishcakes?
0:32:54 > 0:32:57Fishcakes. There's no file in it.
0:32:57 > 0:32:58They said...
0:33:09 > 0:33:11And Matthew Barzun. His complaint.
0:33:11 > 0:33:13Do you know what it was?
0:33:13 > 0:33:15Yorkshire pudding or something. What was...
0:33:15 > 0:33:18He was talking to Tatler magazine. He said, "At official engagements...
0:33:22 > 0:33:24What else does the American ambassador always
0:33:24 > 0:33:28serve at ambassador events? "Ambassador events". What's that?
0:33:28 > 0:33:31- You know what I mean. At his functions.- Ferrero Rocher.
0:33:31 > 0:33:35- Absolutely right. Yes.- Really? - He generally does.
0:33:35 > 0:33:37Here's a photograph to prove it.
0:33:37 > 0:33:39There you go.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41Served on silver salvers.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44Lastly, what did one woman in Glasgow do so her dad could
0:33:44 > 0:33:45enjoy free meals for one year?
0:33:45 > 0:33:47I mean, that is a broad question.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52- It involved her midriff.- Tattoos. - Tattoos, exactly.
0:33:52 > 0:33:56She got a tattoo of the local curry house. There we go. Shish Mahal.
0:33:56 > 0:34:00- Wow.- What did Beth have to say about the tattoo?
0:34:00 > 0:34:02Beth being her name, of course.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05That she's ruined her life.
0:34:05 > 0:34:06No, she said...
0:34:19 > 0:34:22So, yes, there we are. They have all complained about their food,
0:34:22 > 0:34:24except for Michelle Obama, who's been subject of complaints
0:34:24 > 0:34:27from American students about their school meals.
0:34:27 > 0:34:29So, some American high schools students are pissed off.
0:34:29 > 0:34:31Come on, what's the worst thing they're going to do?
0:34:33 > 0:34:36A Prisoner at HMP Wakefield complained of finding a snail in his peas.
0:34:36 > 0:34:38Meanwhile, the exact opposite complaint was registered
0:34:38 > 0:34:40at HMP Perpignan.
0:34:45 > 0:34:47Time now for the Missing Words round,
0:34:47 > 0:34:50which this week features, as its guest publication, Keeper Notes,
0:34:50 > 0:34:53the newsletter of the International Congress of Zookeepers.
0:34:53 > 0:34:55Keeper Notes is not a News International publication,
0:34:55 > 0:34:58although the editor does spend a lot of time behind bars.
0:35:01 > 0:35:03And we start with...
0:35:07 > 0:35:09JOSH: Looking like Alex Salmond.
0:35:09 > 0:35:11You're getting quite close, actually.
0:35:11 > 0:35:13Is it haggis?
0:35:15 > 0:35:18- No.- Oh, is that he doesn't get any more bookings any more
0:35:18 > 0:35:20- because he's... - Yes, it's exactly right.
0:35:20 > 0:35:24- I imagine it was exactly in the words I said.- Lack of work. Lack of work.
0:35:24 > 0:35:27- Here is John MacLeod...- Wow!
0:35:27 > 0:35:29..who, according to BBC News...
0:35:31 > 0:35:34He doesn't look anything like Susan Scott.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36Anyway, next.
0:35:38 > 0:35:40GERMAINE: Beats himself.
0:35:48 > 0:35:51Is that one of the traditional openings?
0:35:52 > 0:35:55You can win any game in two moves,
0:35:55 > 0:35:57to try and move the subject on a bit.
0:36:02 > 0:36:04- What?- Yes.
0:36:04 > 0:36:06World number one Magnus Carlsen slept through half of a recent
0:36:06 > 0:36:08world chess championship match,
0:36:08 > 0:36:11unlike the spectators, who slept through all of it.
0:36:11 > 0:36:12Next...
0:36:15 > 0:36:18- JOSH: Ageing. - Getting married early, young.
0:36:18 > 0:36:21- It's going to be like the one that got away.- Having a family young.
0:36:21 > 0:36:23Not having a family young.
0:36:23 > 0:36:25- No.- Not having a family, having a family.- No, it's
0:36:25 > 0:36:28- not the family so much. - JOSH: The partner.
0:36:28 > 0:36:31- Being in a relationship.- No. Um...
0:36:31 > 0:36:32Being in an on-off relationship.
0:36:35 > 0:36:39- Marrying...- Marrying beneath yourself. Whatever that means.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42Marrying...above yourself.
0:36:42 > 0:36:44As you know the answer, why don't you tell us?
0:36:48 > 0:36:50- There we are.- Didn't I say that?- No. - All right.
0:36:50 > 0:36:51Next...
0:36:54 > 0:36:57Gets absolutely pissed out of his head.
0:36:57 > 0:36:59Every zookeeper goes to a birthday party
0:36:59 > 0:37:02and looks around at the other human beings and thinks to himself,
0:37:02 > 0:37:05"You know, I suppose in the end I do prefer animals."
0:37:07 > 0:37:11- Goes to a birthday party and... - Dances like a gorilla.
0:37:16 > 0:37:17Next...
0:37:20 > 0:37:22To be growing UK's hottest chillies.
0:37:25 > 0:37:28Here is Matt Simpson, who puts the success of his award-winning
0:37:28 > 0:37:31chillies down to treating them with disdain. Here he is...
0:37:31 > 0:37:32shouting at them.
0:37:32 > 0:37:35Is it true that you've been shouting at Katie and the other chillies to
0:37:35 > 0:37:38make them that bit more defensive, that much hotter?
0:37:38 > 0:37:39Yes, I hold my hands up.
0:37:39 > 0:37:43I shout it, I've done my sergeant major impression at them.
0:37:43 > 0:37:45I've picked up the plants, I've dropped the pots,
0:37:45 > 0:37:47I've smacked them around.
0:37:47 > 0:37:49Yes, I could get into a lot of trouble
0:37:49 > 0:37:51if plants have the same rights that cats have.
0:37:51 > 0:37:55Will you show us how you shouted at Katie in the past?
0:37:55 > 0:37:57You horrible little chilli plant!! Pull yourself together!
0:37:57 > 0:37:59Get hotter, hotter, hotter, hotter!!
0:38:02 > 0:38:04Was it a slow news day?
0:38:06 > 0:38:07Next...
0:38:09 > 0:38:11Liver disease.
0:38:13 > 0:38:16- Rabies.- Smelling of bear.
0:38:16 > 0:38:18Look how long it is.
0:38:18 > 0:38:20Yeah, it's smelling of bear, bear, bear, bear.
0:38:26 > 0:38:28Zookeeping can be a rough career.
0:38:28 > 0:38:31Female zookeepers, in particular, can find it hard to break
0:38:31 > 0:38:35through the glass ceiling, which is just as well, otherwise the gorillas would climb out.
0:38:35 > 0:38:36Next...
0:38:40 > 0:38:44GERMAINE: Pin the tail on the donkey.
0:38:44 > 0:38:45JOSH: Spin the botanist.
0:38:50 > 0:38:54Unfortunately the game had to be abandoned because of a cheater.
0:38:54 > 0:38:56- Oh!- Oh, dear.
0:38:57 > 0:39:01- That's my favourite joke of the show. - And, lastly...
0:39:03 > 0:39:05Free teenagers.
0:39:05 > 0:39:08GROANS
0:39:10 > 0:39:12Official policy.
0:39:12 > 0:39:15According to BBC News, Berlusconi's currently in hospital
0:39:15 > 0:39:16for an eye operation.
0:39:16 > 0:39:19Very sorry to hear that. He should be in prison.
0:39:20 > 0:39:23APPLAUSE
0:39:24 > 0:39:27There we are. The final scores are Paul and Germaine on six,
0:39:27 > 0:39:29but Ian and Josh on seven.
0:39:29 > 0:39:34APPLAUSE
0:39:35 > 0:39:38But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.
0:39:38 > 0:39:40Ian and Josh have this.
0:39:40 > 0:39:43Is it "cow disappointed with multi-faith jumper"?
0:39:45 > 0:39:47"That's a lovely jersey!"
0:39:49 > 0:39:52- APPLAUSE - Thank you very much.
0:39:52 > 0:39:54Paul and Germaine, get that.
0:39:54 > 0:39:57Why have they got electronic things on their heads?
0:39:57 > 0:40:00- Well, it's because seals have been behaving very badly.- Have they?
0:40:00 > 0:40:04- What have they been doing?- They have been mating with penguins.- What?
0:40:04 > 0:40:07It said it in the newspaper. There was a picture of it happening.
0:40:07 > 0:40:12As far as I can see, it was just a seal lying on top of a penguin.
0:40:12 > 0:40:14Which newspapers are you reading?
0:40:15 > 0:40:18Are you sure this isn't just the new John Lewis ad?
0:40:20 > 0:40:25APPLAUSE
0:40:26 > 0:40:27I mean, you can't blame the seal.
0:40:27 > 0:40:30The penguin is the most attractive of all birds.
0:40:31 > 0:40:33It's the way they walk.
0:40:36 > 0:40:39- On which note...- On which note, me having sex with a penguin, you're going to
0:40:39 > 0:40:41- finish the programme.- Yeah. - All right, then.
0:40:41 > 0:40:43On which note we say thank you to our panellists Ian Hislop
0:40:43 > 0:40:46and Josh Widdicombe, Paul Merton and Germaine Greer.
0:40:46 > 0:40:48And I leave you with the news that in central London
0:40:48 > 0:40:51a desperate David Mellor has to resort to extreme measures
0:40:51 > 0:40:53to make sure he gets home in time for dinner.
0:40:56 > 0:40:59In Cardiff there's a Freudian slip as Prince William references
0:40:59 > 0:41:01the Crown Jewels three times in one minute.
0:41:07 > 0:41:09That could be an advantage in a close race.
0:41:13 > 0:41:14And on a visit to a care home,
0:41:14 > 0:41:17George Osborne is suddenly struck by the thought that even if they don't
0:41:17 > 0:41:21play bingo for money, he can still charge them for the gaming licence.
0:41:24 > 0:41:26Good night.