0:00:04 > 0:00:07This programme contains very strong language
0:00:23 > 0:00:26APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:40- Good evening, and... - welcome...- to...
0:00:40 > 0:00:42- Have...- I...- Got...- News... - For...- You.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44- I'm Daniel Radcliffe. - I'm Cathy Burke.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46- I'm Gary Lineker. - I'm Michael Sheen.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48I'm Victoria Coren Mitchell. In the news this week.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51After an all-night campaign meeting in the Dog And Duck,
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Nigel Farage wakes up and tells his PA to cancel all of his meetings.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03In the Bake-Off final, one of the competitors wrecks her chances
0:01:03 > 0:01:07with her attempt to render Mary Berry's face in chocolate meringue.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16In Brighton, Labour's Jeremy Corbyn and John MacDonald are relieved
0:01:16 > 0:01:20to get out of the conference centre without making any more blunders.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50And, in Folkestone, there's news that the Tories are testing out
0:01:50 > 0:01:53a scheme to stop illegal immigration.
0:01:53 > 0:01:54How do you bring it in?
0:01:59 > 0:02:00APPLAUSE
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Trying to get out of the country.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Ed Miliband looking chilled out.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06And it's the winner. It was quite exciting because
0:02:06 > 0:02:09everyone said it was unpredictable.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Meaning they had got it wrong.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15So we had this exit poll.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Then everyone spent the rest of the evening going,
0:02:17 > 0:02:20"If this poll's right... Oh, God, it is right."
0:02:22 > 0:02:24However, Ed Balls was remaining optimistic.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28There has been a story going the rounds on Twitter and the rest of it
0:02:28 > 0:02:29that you've been defeated.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33David, the ballot boxes haven't even arrived in the count.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36And they've got to be counted, and then we'll get the result.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39So, I think maybe you should spend less time on Twitter
0:02:39 > 0:02:42and more time reporting the results when they are actually declared.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Shall we see how it panned out for him?
0:02:46 > 0:02:49- TV:- Ed Balls lost his seat to the Conservatives.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Is David Dimbleby going to call him and go,
0:02:51 > 0:02:53"Have they been counted now, Ed?"
0:02:55 > 0:02:57APPLAUSE
0:02:57 > 0:03:01The notes Ed Miliband left in his room during the leadership debate.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Do you want to expand on what they said?
0:03:03 > 0:03:07"Do not leave these notes in my dressing room."
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Any other notes that you remember him leaving himself?
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Look at the camera.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15And, above all else, keep referring everything to you at home.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17And the decision you, the people, are going to have to make
0:03:17 > 0:03:19in four weeks' time.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23LAUGHTER
0:03:23 > 0:03:25APPLAUSE
0:03:27 > 0:03:31According to the Daily Mail, the debate saw SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon
0:03:31 > 0:03:35transform herself into a "glamorous imperatrix".
0:03:35 > 0:03:37That's one of my favourite spells!
0:03:40 > 0:03:43David Cameron gave an interview to Heat magazine.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45- Ah, the tough ones first.- Yes.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- David Cameron's in Heat!- Yeah.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52He does some very good acting in the video which is worth watching.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Obviously, they're tough questions
0:03:54 > 0:03:57but he needs to show that they're tough. So...
0:04:11 > 0:04:13LAUGHTER
0:04:15 > 0:04:18- Which football team does David Cameron support?- Aston Villa.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Well, he doesn't really know, does he?
0:04:20 > 0:04:23He claimed to be an Aston Villa supporter.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25But then he said this in a speech.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Where you can support Man United, the Windies and Team GB
0:04:28 > 0:04:30all at the same time.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Of course, I'd rather you supported West Ham... Er, um...
0:04:33 > 0:04:34HE CHUCKLES
0:04:38 > 0:04:43Most football fans forget who they are supporting in moments of stress.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Liverpool fans are often claiming to be fans of Manchester United
0:04:46 > 0:04:48when they're very tired.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51He gave another explanation to Lorraine.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55He told her he'd said West Ham by mistake because...
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Which of us hasn't done that(?)
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Let's play a game of...
0:05:09 > 0:05:12OK, who's this?
0:05:12 > 0:05:14- Clegg?- No, it's Osborne.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- Clegg's in the body bag! - LAUGHTER
0:05:17 > 0:05:19APPLAUSE
0:05:26 > 0:05:28BELL Ian and Alan?
0:05:28 > 0:05:30It's got to be Farage. Is that a Ukip thing,
0:05:30 > 0:05:32they're going to be in Dover?
0:05:32 > 0:05:34LAUGHTER
0:05:34 > 0:05:35APPLAUSE
0:05:37 > 0:05:42No, that is a Conservative promise about research centres for robotics.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45- I stand corrected.- Let's just meet a Ukip voter from Essex.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49My buttocks are smooth, my mind is clear, vote Ukip.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51LAUGHTER
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- Who said this? All are recent quotes.- OK.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Fingers on buzzers, who said this?
0:06:05 > 0:06:06BELL
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Duke of Edinburgh.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10LAUGHTER
0:06:10 > 0:06:12APPLAUSE
0:06:12 > 0:06:14It was Cheryl Fernandez-Versini.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Why does her shadow belong to somebody else?
0:06:19 > 0:06:22It's clearly the shadow of a thick-set man in his 50s.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26This is the result of election night.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30One SNP gain from Labour saw Britain's youngest MP
0:06:30 > 0:06:34for over 300 years win the seat of Paisley and Renfrewshire.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Or, as the BBC called it...
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Volkswagen, the people's car. Cheating their emissions.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48There's a special bit of software.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50When the car knows it's under testing conditions,
0:06:50 > 0:06:52it doesn't give the right information.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55And Volkswagen, nobody knew about this at the top.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59Just one bloke and a screwdriver did it without anyone else knowing.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00He feels so ashamed about it
0:07:00 > 0:07:03that he's managed to do this in over 50 million cars.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06I don't think that Volkswagen's case was particularly helped
0:07:06 > 0:07:10- by the fact that their deputy CEO was called Olaf Lies.- He was.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Yes.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- He was the only one telling the truth.- Yeah.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17We all lie about our emissions, though, don't we?
0:07:19 > 0:07:23- I think it's one of those questions we need to know about cars.- Yes.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27So, we need an expert. Jeremy, have you got Chris Evans' phone number?
0:07:27 > 0:07:29LAUGHTER
0:07:29 > 0:07:31APPLAUSE
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Go on, Jeremy, punch him.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:34 > 0:07:36You can have a go if you want.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44He's rolling up his sleeve! Rolling up his sleeve.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46The pie's here, the pie's here!
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Chips, give us chips, quickly!
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Eat it! Eat it!
0:07:50 > 0:07:51Oh!
0:07:54 > 0:07:55Good. Cleared up.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00This is the Volkswagen fiasco.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Not the name of their latest hatchback,
0:08:02 > 0:08:07but the ongoing scandal over diesel emissions.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09As prosecutors launched a criminal investigation
0:08:09 > 0:08:12into the emissions scandal, it is believed that
0:08:12 > 0:08:16one of the scientists involved there has killed himself in his garage.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18He didn't mean to, he was just parking his car.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25That's the vote. Blatter, he's won.
0:08:25 > 0:08:26# We've got the money! #
0:08:28 > 0:08:30There he is. He is about to trip over a huge bung!
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Fell off his wallet.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39I had no idea Fifa had anything to do with football.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43- It doesn't.- I thought it was just a vast money-laundering operation.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46APPLAUSE
0:08:46 > 0:08:50What happened at the end of Sepp's press conference?
0:08:50 > 0:08:54Did he just hand out brown envelopes and say, "You know what I mean"?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Did you hear his defence? Which was along the lines of...
0:09:03 > 0:09:05The Rebekah Brooks excuse.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10It's a triumph for the American justice system.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12I noticed we did nothing at all.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14They don't muck about, the Americans.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16If someone's found guilty of corporate fraud, you know,
0:09:16 > 0:09:18they get jailed.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Whereas, over here, they instantly get Alzheimer's.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25APPLAUSE
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Do we know where the arrests were made?
0:09:29 > 0:09:32It was in the Hotel Splendide Old Backhander!
0:09:33 > 0:09:36You can't have a World Cup story without Pele. He said...
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Cheers for that, mate(!)
0:09:41 > 0:09:45Meanwhile, this weekend, the Women's World Cup kicks off in Canada.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Despite question marks over the bidding process,
0:09:48 > 0:09:51with countries around the world accused of paying millions of dollars
0:09:51 > 0:09:54in bribes to make Canada have to do it.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Ah, George Osborne, running away from reality.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01From headstone to headstone.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02So, where's Ed gone?
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Has he tied that stone with all the pledges round his neck
0:10:05 > 0:10:07and jumped off a ferry?
0:10:07 > 0:10:08Oh...!
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Ibiza?
0:10:10 > 0:10:11SHE MIMICS DANCE BEAT
0:10:13 > 0:10:16The good thing about Ibiza is that there's just one place where
0:10:16 > 0:10:19all the partygoers go, there's this one tiny town, so you...
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Ibiza's a beautiful island, and you can avoid them because they're just there.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26- Has it got some agreeable ruins and a church where one can wander round?- Yes.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33It would remind you very much of the Private Eye offices.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38I really must give it a go.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39And it's got that mountain...
0:10:39 > 0:10:41HE MIMICS DANCE BEAT
0:10:42 > 0:10:44- Oh, do that again. Please. - Do that again!
0:10:44 > 0:10:45APPLAUSE
0:10:45 > 0:10:46Now, what about Chuka Umunna?
0:10:46 > 0:10:52- Did you see how he threw his hat into the ring?- He went to Swindon.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56He sort of had the air of the candidate in The Apprentice that goes out in the third week.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01You're absolutely right. He announced his leadership bid in what looked like
0:11:01 > 0:11:03a sort of teenage home-made video on the internet.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06So, I'm pleased today to be announcing that I will be
0:11:06 > 0:11:09standing for the leadership of the party.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Sorry. What's gone wrong? What did I do wrong?
0:11:11 > 0:11:14- No, nothing, I think it's...- No, they're admitting it. It's made up.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16- Are we moving on?- No, it's just.. - What, today?!- Yeah.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20Erm...well, extraordinarily, erm, over the last five minutes,
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Chuka has actually withdrawn
0:11:22 > 0:11:24his candidacy from the Labour leadership.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:31 > 0:11:35This has got to be the most powerful programme on television.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39We haven't even gone out.
0:11:39 > 0:11:44Now, did you see some of the ingenious attempts to spoil the ballot paper last week?
0:11:44 > 0:11:45No.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49One voter in Montgomeryshire tried to make a protest against standing
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Tory MP Glyn Davies, who said...
0:12:08 > 0:12:10APPLAUSE
0:12:13 > 0:12:15So, I wonder what this is.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17- Jeremy Corbyn.- Happy front bench!
0:12:17 > 0:12:19And that was the last speech.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24OK, so there was a meeting of the Parliamentary Labour Party on Monday night,
0:12:24 > 0:12:27which The Telegraph described as "heated", Why was that?
0:12:27 > 0:12:29It's getting cold.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33- Once October comes, this place'll be... - APPLAUSE
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Do you ever feel that maybe this is all your fault?
0:12:43 > 0:12:47Honestly, that Bake Off image is gone for good.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50That would only be the case if you'd nominated Jeremy Corbyn for the leadership contest.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52THEY LAUGH
0:12:52 > 0:12:53You didn't, did you?
0:12:54 > 0:12:56I did, and I think...
0:12:56 > 0:12:59- Look, I mean, you know, I think it's early days yet.- It is early days.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03- You didn't vote for him, though, did you?- No.- You nominated him...
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Who are the two gangs in the Labour rivalry?
0:13:07 > 0:13:11They're called Momentum, which is the Corbynite one,
0:13:11 > 0:13:13and Progress, which is the other.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14What, like it's The Apprentice?
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Oh, my God, they've given themselves stupid names.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Claiming the party was open to new ideas.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Corbyn said he wanted to give people...
0:13:29 > 0:13:33An odd line, but it once worked a treat on Diane Abbot.
0:13:33 > 0:13:34AUDIENCE GROANS
0:13:37 > 0:13:38What startling revelations did
0:13:38 > 0:13:41the Sun uncover about Jeremy Corbyn this week?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43What are the stunning revelations?
0:13:43 > 0:13:47Well, the Sun tracked down Jeremy Corbyn's wife's niece,
0:13:47 > 0:13:50who lived with him until recently, who disclosed that he enjoys...
0:13:59 > 0:14:01What a bastard.
0:14:08 > 0:14:09Tax credits...
0:14:09 > 0:14:11The House of Lords threw out the Tax Credits Bill.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15It's a triumph for the forces of non-democracy.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Who was particularly red in the face about it?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20I'm trying to think who was red in the face,
0:14:20 > 0:14:24apart from George Osborne, but he doesn't, cos he hasn't got any blood.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28APPLAUSE
0:14:28 > 0:14:32- Does this damage George, do you think?- Yes.- Fatally?
0:14:32 > 0:14:33One can only hope.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38APPLAUSE
0:14:38 > 0:14:39According to The Times...
0:14:44 > 0:14:46He doesn't want to be SEEN to be doing it.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48He draws the blinds.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55Several of the papers identified one clear super-villain in all this.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Who was that?
0:14:57 > 0:14:58- Andrew Lloyd Webber.- Yes.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Megarich musical gargoyle Andrew Lloyd Webber.
0:15:04 > 0:15:05Musical gargoyle!
0:15:05 > 0:15:09He flew in from New York to vote for tax credit cuts.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11It was his first vote in over two years
0:15:11 > 0:15:15but he did deny he had flown back specifically for the vote.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Does anyone know why he says he was in town?
0:15:17 > 0:15:20He was here for an opening of one of his productions somewhere.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23A new musical called Cats!
0:15:23 > 0:15:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Yes, he did say he was in town to watch the revival of Cats,
0:15:33 > 0:15:35the musical. Yeah.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37But surely he's seen that already.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38Or maybe he's just got a bad...
0:15:38 > 0:15:40# Mem-ry! #
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Ah, yes, this is the President of China, who's come to visit London.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54"Tell me about this communism. How does it work?"
0:15:54 > 0:15:55Who's asking who?
0:15:59 > 0:16:01President Xi, is it, I think?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Or 11, if you're talking about Roman numerals.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10The whole exercise was just one long sucking up to the Chinese
0:16:10 > 0:16:12and not mentioning anything that could embarrass anyone.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14I think they're all right.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17They already own Pizza Express and they haven't touched dough balls.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23What's the other terrible thing about President Xi
0:16:23 > 0:16:24that the Mirror discovered?
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Were his trousers too long?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28His trousers are touching the carpet.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Way too long...
0:16:34 > 0:16:36LAUGHTER
0:16:36 > 0:16:38It's coming.
0:16:40 > 0:16:41..is the name of his tailor.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46All these new jobs that the Tory party say that
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Chinese investment is going to produce, I mean,
0:16:49 > 0:16:52we lost nearly that many this week in the steel industry.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55The government haven't done anything and I get the horrible feeling
0:16:55 > 0:16:57that David Cameron's watched The Full Monty
0:16:57 > 0:17:01and he doesn't understand that's not a viable option for everyone.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08"I watched an incredible documentary about the steel industry this week, and..."
0:17:08 > 0:17:12The meal was served to musical accompaniment from...
0:17:15 > 0:17:19It was either them or the Duchess of Kent's Rhythm and Blues Explosion.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Addressing the sensitive issue of human rights,
0:17:24 > 0:17:26the Chinese President declared...
0:17:36 > 0:17:40A doctrine put forward by China's leading political philosopher,
0:17:40 > 0:17:41Fuk Yu.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:47 > 0:17:50- Right, that's Ukip's non-MP. He's resigned.- No, he hasn't.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52No, he hasn't, he's back.
0:17:52 > 0:17:58Does Nigel Farage command the full support of all his MP?
0:17:58 > 0:18:00LAUGHTER
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Ukip's rather fallen apart.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07You can't say anything because you're BBC and you're balanced,
0:18:07 > 0:18:09but it is pretty funny.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11LAUGHTER
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Leftie BBC audience! Typical!
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Patrick O'Flynn said that
0:18:17 > 0:18:21Ukip was in danger of becoming a personality cult.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25Here's the BBC's Norman Smith reporting on the story.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28..that there was a danger, he said in this article in The Times,
0:18:28 > 0:18:30of the party turning into, quotes,
0:18:30 > 0:18:34"an absolutist monarchy or personality cunt...
0:18:34 > 0:18:36"personality CULT."
0:18:40 > 0:18:41ROISIN: Poor bloke!
0:18:43 > 0:18:46When Nigel Farage complains about bias at the BBC...
0:18:48 > 0:18:52- He's got a point!- He's got a point on that particular occasion.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54You having a nice time there?
0:18:54 > 0:18:56I'd get your address book out.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59There's quite a few names you've got to...
0:18:59 > 0:19:02I am looking for a new career.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04I'm not sure you've found it.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08I wasn't claiming this was it!
0:19:09 > 0:19:12In other news, what did David Cameron say
0:19:12 > 0:19:15at the first meeting of the Cabinet?
0:19:15 > 0:19:17"I can't fucking believe it!"
0:19:17 > 0:19:19LAUGHTER
0:19:19 > 0:19:22"What's going on? I mean..."
0:19:22 > 0:19:24It's also been reported that after the election,
0:19:24 > 0:19:30Britain now has the gayest Parliament in the world, with 32 openly gay MPs,
0:19:30 > 0:19:34although some of them may have just said that to put off Sally Bercow.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Oh, this is Prince Charles in the Republic of Ireland,
0:19:44 > 0:19:46very happy news. There's his stalker.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50He's very happy there, shaking hands with dignitaries.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52And there we are, yes, historic in every sense,
0:19:52 > 0:19:55an historic handshake between Gerry Adams and Prince Charles.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59I love the way he had a cup of tea there as a sort of prop.
0:19:59 > 0:20:00"Oh, hello! You here?"
0:20:00 > 0:20:04Don't you think the cup of tea was an anti-hugging device?
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- Is Gerry Adams famous for being a hugger?- I think he is.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Do you have to come prepared, otherwise he's like, "Come here!"
0:20:10 > 0:20:12He does this thing, he hugs people,
0:20:12 > 0:20:15and when he backs off, they've got the beard.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Oh, he's a bit of a card.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21You wouldn't think so but, God, we've had some fun nights, I tell you.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Who initiated this reconciliation?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26- Gerry Adams did.- Yes!
0:20:26 > 0:20:30He made the call to Prince Charles' office and said,
0:20:30 > 0:20:33"It's in a waste bin. You've five minutes to get out!"
0:20:34 > 0:20:38And then he said, "Oh, no, sorry, sorry. God, I'm always doing that."
0:20:39 > 0:20:44Who described Prince Charles as "ten years ahead of his time"?
0:20:44 > 0:20:49Time Out? Was it Time Out? Really great review.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Alf Ramsey?
0:20:52 > 0:20:54- No.- That was Martin Peters, wasn't it?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57- Martin Peters, you got mixed up. - I do this every time.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59- His son, Prince Harry. - Prince Harry said that.- Oh, yes.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02He was going through the things Charles had written letters about.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03He said...
0:21:10 > 0:21:14Did Prince Charles say anything yet about his meeting with Gerry Adams?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16He said it ten years ago.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:23 > 0:21:26That's France. That's their rapid reaction force.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28There's our rapid reaction force.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Yeah, this is Paris and the tragedy there
0:21:33 > 0:21:35and our attempts afterwards to work out what to do.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39It does strike me as one of the few things we're still allowed to do
0:21:39 > 0:21:44is sort of make jokes, and laugh, um, so we might have a go at that.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46APPLAUSE
0:21:49 > 0:21:52What has been the British government's immediate response?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Who have they hired?
0:21:54 > 0:21:57- Who have they hired? - They've hired 2,000 something.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59- Spies.- Oh, SAS!- Spies.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02- Spies?- Well, 1,900 extra... - Should we know that?
0:22:06 > 0:22:08- Do you know what that will cost? - About £2 billion, I think.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12£2 billion for the SAS and another £2 billion for cyber security.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Where's this money suddenly come from?
0:22:14 > 0:22:18From the magnificent management of the economy that the government has done, that means we can afford
0:22:18 > 0:22:21the essential requirements of the safety of the nation.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23I knew there'd be some comedy tonight.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Wembley Stadium looked rather magnificent.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33- The tricolore was up there.- Yeah.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35The tricolore has been put on various things.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36Apple did that.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Oh, look, there's the bit where the tax should be.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43One man leading the hunt for the terrorists is Belgium's
0:22:43 > 0:22:45interior security minister...
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Showing defiance to Islamic State even with his surname.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52APPLAUSE
0:22:55 > 0:22:57While she's away at an EU summit,
0:22:57 > 0:23:01a helpful neighbour attempts to keep Angela Merkel's cat amused.
0:23:03 > 0:23:04AIR SPLUTTERS
0:23:12 > 0:23:16At a last Conservative Party election rally,
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Arts Minister Sajid Javid begins to suspect
0:23:18 > 0:23:21he's only there for reasons of symmetry.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31There's excitement at Uxbridge station, where it's announced that
0:23:31 > 0:23:34a train full of lingerie models has broken down on platform three.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42And at Stafford Prison, after his wobble board is confiscated,
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Rolf Harris is unhappy with the replacement.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52APPLAUSE
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Well, shortly we'll see Stoke versus Swansea...
0:23:54 > 0:23:56LAUGHTER
0:23:56 > 0:23:59But first, to round two, the strength-o-meter of news.
0:23:59 > 0:24:00Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04BUZZER
0:24:04 > 0:24:06There was an earthquake in the tip of Kent there.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07It didn't really affect anybody.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11Somebody fell out of bed in Sevenoaks and somebody banged their head in Tenterden,
0:24:11 > 0:24:13and a cat in Dover looked the wrong way for a minute,
0:24:13 > 0:24:14but other than that...
0:24:14 > 0:24:16nothing else happened.
0:24:16 > 0:24:17It went like that.
0:24:19 > 0:24:20One person tweeted this photo.
0:24:23 > 0:24:24That's very good.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26This is why we can't do
0:24:26 > 0:24:28those extreme weather programmes, isn't it?
0:24:28 > 0:24:32You can see those programmes on Channel 5, tornadoes tearing,
0:24:32 > 0:24:34tearing houses apart in the Midwest.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36- Stiff Breeze in the Cotswolds!- Yeah!
0:24:38 > 0:24:41- On at nine on 5! - Umbrella Turned Inside Out!
0:24:44 > 0:24:47After one British quake in 2013, a witness said...
0:24:51 > 0:24:55How terrifying. Imagine the effect on the property price.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04BELL RINGS Ian?
0:25:04 > 0:25:06This is a tortoise.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08- This is his owner. - Yes.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11She left the gate open and he ran away,
0:25:11 > 0:25:15and she was distraught for ages, and then someone found the tortoise.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18I'm still struggling as to how this had made the news.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21"Woman finds tortoise that was previously missing.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25"God unavailable for comment."
0:25:25 > 0:25:27It's a really first-rate story, I just wish I'd run it.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Yes, this is absolutely true.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33It's Toby the tortoise from Dover who has been reunited
0:25:33 > 0:25:37with his owner, Wendy Stokes, after a year on the run.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38This is where the story gets good.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41He managed to make it to Rio de Janeiro.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47A pair of dark glasses and a fake passport. How far did he get to?
0:25:47 > 0:25:50- Well, he got 400 yards from the front gate.- 400 yards!
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Wait! That's just the beginning.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56Some helpful soul picked him up and drove him to Margate.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00Toby is 109, so he was one of the younger residents in Margate.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03According to the Daily Mail, the tortoise was picked up
0:26:03 > 0:26:06by a driver on a nearby road and driven 22 miles away,
0:26:06 > 0:26:09leaving a scandalised hare to shout, "Oi, that's cheating!"
0:26:16 > 0:26:17BELL RINGS
0:26:17 > 0:26:20- Emoji.- It is emoji.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22In which I happen to be fluent.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Oh, laughing face, laughing face, crying face, poo?
0:26:30 > 0:26:32APPLAUSE
0:26:32 > 0:26:35- Shall we have a look at some popular emojis?- Yes.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Popular emojis!
0:26:37 > 0:26:41My own particular favourite - ghost with black eye.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Cariad, you seem fluent.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46- I am fluent, definitely. - What is ghost with black eye?
0:26:46 > 0:26:49It's just like, woo-hoo.
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Woo-hoo.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59But there is no accentuation on it,
0:26:59 > 0:27:03I can't tell whether it is "woo", "woo!" or "wooooo".
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Well, when the emojis take over and you're filling out your CV...
0:27:06 > 0:27:08- Are they a race now?- Yes, they are.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Oh, my God, the emojis are coming.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12- Don't tell Ukip! - When the future...
0:27:12 > 0:27:14APPLAUSE
0:27:18 > 0:27:19BELL RINGS
0:27:19 > 0:27:21It's the Great British Bake Off
0:27:21 > 0:27:23and the lady in the middle is the winner.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25It is the news that Nadiya Hussain has captured the nation's
0:27:25 > 0:27:29heart by winning the Great British Bake Off. Did anyone see it?
0:27:29 > 0:27:31No, I didn't, no. I'm not interested in it.
0:27:31 > 0:27:32DIANE GASPS
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Why not?
0:27:34 > 0:27:37I suppose it's the idea of people baking cakes
0:27:37 > 0:27:38that I find quite boring.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44APPLAUSE
0:27:44 > 0:27:47How has Nadiya's achievement been received?
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Putin was ecstatic.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55This is the winner of the Great British Bake Off.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Nadiya Hussain shrugged off racist abuse telling her to go back
0:27:58 > 0:28:02to where she came from, saying she's not going back to Luton for anyone.
0:28:06 > 0:28:07BELL RINGS
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Yes, Ian and Grayson.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12A 15-year-old from Northern Ireland is meant to have
0:28:12 > 0:28:15hacked into TalkTalk's computer
0:28:15 > 0:28:20and got all people's personal details and put them on the web.
0:28:20 > 0:28:21Exactly.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23The Daily Mail said he had a single mum.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Oh, well, he's definitely guilty, then.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28On behalf of all single mums, I am just glad that our bastard children
0:28:28 > 0:28:31are finally participating in white-collar crime.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37Who says there's no aspiration in the world anymore?
0:28:37 > 0:28:40It's like you have to worry about your son, knock on his door,
0:28:40 > 0:28:43"What are you doing? You'd better be wanking in there
0:28:43 > 0:28:45"and not bringing down a corporation!"
0:28:47 > 0:28:50The two activities aren't mutually exclusive.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57TalkTalk boss Dido Harding said they will handle compensation
0:28:57 > 0:29:01claims for their four million users on a case-to-case basis.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04Bad news for loyal customer Zachariah Zimmerman.
0:29:14 > 0:29:15BUZZER
0:29:15 > 0:29:18A pig was causing trouble and the police had to get involved,
0:29:18 > 0:29:20that is all I remember. Um...
0:29:20 > 0:29:24You know, I could be lying and just be piecing that together
0:29:24 > 0:29:26from the photo.
0:29:26 > 0:29:27So the pig has clearly been arrested,
0:29:27 > 0:29:29the pig was arrested for trespass.
0:29:29 > 0:29:33Yeah. The pig is called Daisy, who was arrested in the US this week.
0:29:33 > 0:29:37- It's lucky she wasn't shot.- Yes. Obviously it's a white pig, so...
0:29:37 > 0:29:38Oh, right.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42APPLAUSE
0:29:44 > 0:29:46No, Daisy's crime was that she had...
0:29:52 > 0:29:53And the neighbour was apparently
0:29:53 > 0:29:56so terrified of Daisy that she called the police.
0:30:00 > 0:30:04Daisy was put in the back of a police car to keep her out of trouble
0:30:04 > 0:30:05but then what did she do?
0:30:05 > 0:30:10She made the car unfit for human habitation.
0:30:10 > 0:30:15That's very delicately put and you're right, she defecated
0:30:15 > 0:30:19- in the back of the police car and didn't seem that bothered.- No.
0:30:27 > 0:30:30Attitude written all over her face.
0:30:30 > 0:30:32Look at that pig's face.
0:30:32 > 0:30:35It's probably like, we've been killing and eating
0:30:35 > 0:30:38her ancestors for years, it's just looking out the window,
0:30:38 > 0:30:39going, "one-all!"
0:30:41 > 0:30:44This is the rowdy pig who was arrested in America
0:30:44 > 0:30:47and defecated all over the back of a police car.
0:30:47 > 0:30:51According to the Mirror, the pig left them an unwanted gift by...
0:30:53 > 0:30:56And then, to make matters worse, it went wee, wee, wee, wee, wee,
0:30:56 > 0:30:57all the way home.
0:30:59 > 0:31:01APPLAUSE Ah, well.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03Time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:31:03 > 0:31:05Ian Paisley, Margaret Thatcher,
0:31:05 > 0:31:07Concorde, and Helen Mirren.
0:31:07 > 0:31:08BUZZER
0:31:08 > 0:31:11Is Concorde the odd one out because it's not waving?
0:31:14 > 0:31:19- About 10,000 times better than the actual answer.- It always is.
0:31:19 > 0:31:23- Can we have a clue?- Well, it's Helen Mirren but it's what she...
0:31:23 > 0:31:24That's more the answer.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29What has she recently declared she's going to give up?
0:31:29 > 0:31:31Low-fat yoghurt.
0:31:31 > 0:31:34Tell us what she is giving up and we'll work round to the answer.
0:31:34 > 0:31:35She's giving up nudity.
0:31:35 > 0:31:37How is she going to have a bath?!
0:31:37 > 0:31:38What does she do?
0:31:42 > 0:31:45- Is anyone going to get this?- No. - No, tell us.- OK.- I can promise you.
0:31:45 > 0:31:49They are all people or things that the Queen is good at mimicking
0:31:49 > 0:31:52apart from Helen Mirren who is good at mimicking the Queen.
0:31:52 > 0:31:53What?!
0:31:55 > 0:31:56- Concorde? - That's...
0:31:56 > 0:32:02Apparently, the Queen is good at mimicking Concorde. Um...
0:32:03 > 0:32:06It's what it says here. This was part of...
0:32:06 > 0:32:09It was a flurry of royal facts that were published to mark her
0:32:09 > 0:32:11becoming the longest-reigning monarch,
0:32:11 > 0:32:12there were lots of facts about her.
0:32:12 > 0:32:15- According to Bishop Michael Mann... - Oh, don't listen to him!
0:32:15 > 0:32:17- ..the Queen... - He's never off it.
0:32:17 > 0:32:19Apparently...
0:32:23 > 0:32:26- Oh, so he does the visuals as well, does she?- She does the visuals.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29Do you know what other impressions she has in her repertoire?
0:32:29 > 0:32:31Well, obviously, Ian Paisley.
0:32:31 > 0:32:35In the 1980s, her favourite impressions were said to include...
0:32:38 > 0:32:40AUDIENCE GROAN
0:32:40 > 0:32:43She doesn't do that last one quite as much.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46Now at Her Majesty's pleasure somewhere else.
0:32:46 > 0:32:49Yes, they are all people or things that the Queen is good
0:32:49 > 0:32:51at mimicking, apart from Helen Mirren,
0:32:51 > 0:32:53who is good at mimicking the Queen.
0:32:53 > 0:32:54According to the Mail Online,
0:32:54 > 0:32:57those who know Her Majesty describe her as having...
0:33:00 > 0:33:03Though, to be fair, it is a brave courtier who pipes up with,
0:33:03 > 0:33:06"Who the hell is that supposed to be?!"
0:33:06 > 0:33:09A bit of the universe, a creamy chicken bake from Tesco,
0:33:09 > 0:33:1272 safety deposit boxes
0:33:12 > 0:33:14and Ivica Jerkovic's wallet.
0:33:14 > 0:33:15BELL RINGS
0:33:15 > 0:33:18One of them is to do with the jewellery heist, isn't it?
0:33:18 > 0:33:21Which one would that be?
0:33:21 > 0:33:24Well, the other three objects were found in the safety security boxes.
0:33:24 > 0:33:27The Tesco pie, the wallet and the universe.
0:33:28 > 0:33:30I think these are things that have
0:33:30 > 0:33:31all been found in the back of minicabs.
0:33:31 > 0:33:35The wallet, the safety deposit box and the minicab driver who got
0:33:35 > 0:33:38lost on his way to Streatham and ended up in Alpha Centauri.
0:33:40 > 0:33:43They've lost a bit of the universe. Scientists don't know where it is.
0:33:43 > 0:33:46- Yes, and so the wallet's the odd one out. It's been found.- Yeah.
0:33:46 > 0:33:47Absolutely, well done.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49- The wallet is the odd one out is the correct answer.- Wow.
0:33:49 > 0:33:51- Ah.- I answered that for him. - Yes.
0:33:51 > 0:33:53- APPLAUSE - Why did I answer that for him?
0:33:55 > 0:33:57Yes, they have all been found empty this week
0:33:57 > 0:34:01apart from Ivica Jerkovic's wallet, which was returned with nearly
0:34:01 > 0:34:03- double the amount of money inside. - Oh.
0:34:03 > 0:34:06The 72 safety deposit boxes were left empty after
0:34:06 > 0:34:09they were raided over Easter weekend in London's Hatton Garden.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12It's been reported victims include the Adams family.
0:34:12 > 0:34:14Not that Adams family,
0:34:14 > 0:34:18the Adams family that are Britain's most notorious crime family.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21You wouldn't want them after you, you'd rather the police after you.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23But I'm sure they're lovely people.
0:34:28 > 0:34:32The Tesco's pasty, a man from Canary Wharf in London bought
0:34:32 > 0:34:36a Tesco's creamy chicken bake only to find it had no filling.
0:34:36 > 0:34:39The Mirror reported the customer had been expecting to find...
0:34:43 > 0:34:46Yeah, that would have been so much nicer(!)
0:34:49 > 0:34:53What did Richard Bootman of Bury St Edmunds find in his Aldi steak
0:34:53 > 0:34:54and onion flavoured crisps recently?
0:34:54 > 0:34:58- A barn owl? - No.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01He found one single uncooked potato.
0:35:05 > 0:35:09Why did someone from Hounslow get accused of pinching money this week?
0:35:09 > 0:35:12- Was it because that man... - That rogue trader.
0:35:12 > 0:35:13The flash crash trader? Yes.
0:35:13 > 0:35:17Navinder Singh Sarao, a British trader, facing extradition to
0:35:17 > 0:35:20America over claims he deliberately triggered a flash crash.
0:35:20 > 0:35:23He has this extraordinary lifestyle which is
0:35:23 > 0:35:27so incredibly penny-pinching. He's worth something like 30 million
0:35:27 > 0:35:29or something like that, but he always wears a sort of tracksuit,
0:35:29 > 0:35:34and I think when he made one big avalanche, had a windfall,
0:35:34 > 0:35:37all he did was go out and buy another tracksuit
0:35:37 > 0:35:38for £100 or something.
0:35:38 > 0:35:40It's from Sports Direct, write it down, Ian.
0:35:40 > 0:35:42If you're looking for a new pair of tracksuit bottoms.
0:35:42 > 0:35:46The ones that you normally watch television in and worn out.
0:35:46 > 0:35:48Sports Direct.
0:35:48 > 0:35:49Sportsdirect.com.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53Do they do grey and baggy?
0:35:54 > 0:35:56They'll serve anybody.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00They will, they serve anybody.
0:36:00 > 0:36:02APPLAUSE
0:36:04 > 0:36:07Time now for the Missing Words round and we start with...
0:36:11 > 0:36:13Songs Of Praise?
0:36:16 > 0:36:18It was...
0:36:18 > 0:36:21Speaking of the link between television and highs,
0:36:21 > 0:36:24here is the BBC's Quentin Somerville trying to finish his report
0:36:24 > 0:36:27next to a burning pile of drugs in the Middle East.
0:36:27 > 0:36:31Burning behind me is eight-and-a-half tonnes of heroin,
0:36:31 > 0:36:33opium, hashish and other narcotics...
0:36:33 > 0:36:35HE GIGGLES
0:36:37 > 0:36:39Burning behind me...
0:36:39 > 0:36:41HE LAUGHS
0:36:44 > 0:36:47Quick, quick, quick, quick. We just need one more.
0:36:52 > 0:36:54HE LAUGHS
0:36:58 > 0:36:59Next...
0:37:01 > 0:37:03Was in Nan-et?
0:37:03 > 0:37:05- That's good. - AUDIENCE GROANS
0:37:05 > 0:37:06Thank you very much.
0:37:06 > 0:37:08Ram-brandt!
0:37:08 > 0:37:11- Hey-hey!- Yes! - APPLAUSE
0:37:11 > 0:37:13Is that right?
0:37:13 > 0:37:14No, it's not right.
0:37:14 > 0:37:17Goat that can paint called...
0:37:17 > 0:37:19AUDIENCE GROANS
0:37:19 > 0:37:21This is a goat in Mexico who's taken up painting
0:37:21 > 0:37:23and charges 40 per work.
0:37:24 > 0:37:27Van Goat has many fans, but sadly has had to leave Twitter
0:37:27 > 0:37:29because of all the trolls.
0:37:33 > 0:37:35Next...
0:37:38 > 0:37:40Is it excessive use of sunbed?
0:37:45 > 0:37:47Thinking.
0:37:47 > 0:37:49APPLAUSE
0:37:53 > 0:37:55It's...
0:37:55 > 0:37:56Next...
0:37:59 > 0:38:01Awful country, blame the Government.
0:38:01 > 0:38:03It's actually...
0:38:05 > 0:38:07Scientists claim that airplane noise
0:38:07 > 0:38:10affects our palate by suppressing certain tastes.
0:38:10 > 0:38:12But not...
0:38:14 > 0:38:16Didn't they used to present Top Gear?
0:38:16 > 0:38:19APPLAUSE
0:38:21 > 0:38:22Next...
0:38:26 > 0:38:27Because it was a panda car!
0:38:27 > 0:38:30APPLAUSE
0:38:33 > 0:38:35No, it's actually because...
0:38:39 > 0:38:42Yes, a man in Russia this week was spotted by police,
0:38:42 > 0:38:44driving with a bear in the back of his car.
0:38:44 > 0:38:47He was on way to woods, on urgent mission.
0:38:49 > 0:38:50Next...
0:38:53 > 0:38:57Adam created clothes because he found nakedness embarrassing.
0:38:57 > 0:39:00- But that's not exactly a news story, is it?- No.
0:39:00 > 0:39:01APPLAUSE
0:39:01 > 0:39:03It didn't happen this week.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05No, it is more topical than that.
0:39:10 > 0:39:11Here he is.
0:39:14 > 0:39:17His other arm appears to be the same length.
0:39:17 > 0:39:19That's to stop him looking stupid.
0:39:21 > 0:39:22And finally...
0:39:25 > 0:39:27Was a popular euphemism.
0:39:29 > 0:39:32APPLAUSE
0:39:32 > 0:39:34For what?
0:39:34 > 0:39:35Invading Crete.
0:39:37 > 0:39:38- Creek?- Crete.
0:39:38 > 0:39:41- Oh...- Oh, sorry, you were on a beaver theme.
0:39:42 > 0:39:46I thought you were calling sex, invading the creek, and I...
0:39:48 > 0:39:50I loved that.
0:39:51 > 0:39:55It's a more interesting answer than the rather obvious...
0:40:00 > 0:40:01Oh, no!
0:40:03 > 0:40:06How can it be cheaper to drop them from planes rather than just
0:40:06 > 0:40:09take them in a car? Just go, there you are.
0:40:09 > 0:40:12What happens if the box doesn't open when they hit the ground as well?
0:40:12 > 0:40:13They're beavers!
0:40:13 > 0:40:15APPLAUSE
0:40:18 > 0:40:22Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:40:22 > 0:40:25We'll be needing this spirit level in a minute, love.
0:40:28 > 0:40:30Chilcott finally delivers.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32APPLAUSE
0:40:34 > 0:40:39And I leave you with news that, at the end of a long and pointless selection campaign,
0:40:39 > 0:40:41where he's tried so hard not to be odd and weird,
0:40:41 > 0:40:45Ed Miliband finally gets to relax on the train journey home.
0:40:49 > 0:40:52The owner of one of Britain's best-known stately homes
0:40:52 > 0:40:54appals visitors with his lewd behaviour.
0:40:59 > 0:41:01After pressure from the party,
0:41:01 > 0:41:05Nigel Farage agrees to take a break over summer to get fit.
0:41:05 > 0:41:07APPLAUSE
0:41:11 > 0:41:14And following the arrest of several senior officials,
0:41:14 > 0:41:19Fifa bring in a new face to help eradicate the culture of greed.
0:41:19 > 0:41:21APPLAUSE
0:41:23 > 0:41:25Goodnight.
0:41:25 > 0:41:27APPLAUSE