0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:27 > 0:00:29APPLAUSE
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41I'm Sue Perkins and in the news this week...
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Relaxing on holiday after handing in his resignation,
0:00:44 > 0:00:48the boss of Volkswagen lets his wife have a drag on his pipe.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58After his report into airport expansion is thrown out
0:00:58 > 0:01:02by David Cameron, Sir Howard Davis admits he may have over-reacted.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04I have dumped on his desk.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09And as the media scrutinises his every move for blunders,
0:01:09 > 0:01:10Jeremy Corbyn takes time out
0:01:10 > 0:01:14at his friend's electrical appliance warehouse at the weekend.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who says she cried
0:01:23 > 0:01:26at the end of Bake Off. We all cried.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29I was inconsolable, I'd put 50 quid on Tamal to win.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Please welcome Roisin Conaty.
0:01:31 > 0:01:36APPLAUSE
0:01:36 > 0:01:38And with Paul tonight is the man recently chosen
0:01:38 > 0:01:41as the Labour candidate for the London Mayor.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Charismatic and good looking...
0:01:43 > 0:01:45are just two of Zac Goldsmith's attributes
0:01:45 > 0:01:47that he's going to need to overcome.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48Please welcome Sadiq Khan.
0:01:48 > 0:01:53APPLAUSE
0:01:53 > 0:01:55And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Paul and Sadiq, take a look at this.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01It's not a U-turn. It's the impression of a U-turn.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03That's the Shadow Chancellor, John McDonnell.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05That's George Osborne.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08This is the fiscal charter, which was John's clever plan
0:02:08 > 0:02:12to give the impression he was going to support it.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14But really we were going to oppose it.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18We are going to call it what it is. It's a U-turn on supporting...
0:02:18 > 0:02:20- That is outrageous(!) - ..George Osborne's charter...
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Deal with it! ..for budget responsibility.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Can anyone tell me what Osborne's charter is?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26He's trying to make law the fact
0:02:26 > 0:02:30that you have to run a budget surplus even in good times.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34- It's an absolutely ridiculous idea. - Basically it's bollocks.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37- Is that a political term?- That's the level of economic analysis
0:02:37 > 0:02:39you're going to get.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43The Chancellor's target was balancing the books by 2020
0:02:43 > 0:02:47and running a surplus every following year in "normal times".
0:02:47 > 0:02:50We've got tens of billions of pounds' worth of deficit,
0:02:50 > 0:02:52so George Osborne is breaking his own rules.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55And he's broken every prediction he's made since 2010.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59So would it have been a good idea to say that originally?
0:02:59 > 0:03:02It is not the means that matters, it's the ends.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06- And we got there in the end, Ian. - I know! You're the politician,
0:03:06 > 0:03:10but I always thought the opposition was there to oppose.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Two weeks ago, at the Labour conference,
0:03:12 > 0:03:14John McDonnell said...
0:03:14 > 0:03:18Labour would support Osborne's plan. Why did he then say that?
0:03:18 > 0:03:19No shilly shallying.
0:03:19 > 0:03:24- Um...it was part of the cunning plan. - Oh, yeah. OK.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27I don't think this Baldrick thing's going to work!
0:03:27 > 0:03:31It is a gimmick, it is complete rubbish,
0:03:31 > 0:03:35so we'll go to the chamber and support it, because it's nonsense.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37You're saying the Labour Party said,
0:03:37 > 0:03:41"It's a trap, we're not falling for that, we are going to climb in it."
0:03:41 > 0:03:44And then embarrassingly get out. "Yep, it is a trap.
0:03:44 > 0:03:49"Getting out of that trap that we said it was. Just making sure."
0:03:49 > 0:03:52But didn't George Osborne before turn this down?
0:03:52 > 0:03:56Didn't he say, "Fiscal responsibility acts with a... Fiscal irresponsible"?
0:03:56 > 0:03:58You're absolutely on the nail.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00George Osborne performed a U-turn of his own.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Criticising Gordon Brown in 2010 he said...
0:04:10 > 0:04:14Ah, but it's changed. Because now he wants to con the public.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16- So it's different. - Different traps.
0:04:16 > 0:04:21- Who helped McDonnell decide to make the U-turn?- Well, there was Sooty.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23There's always Sooty.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27"I think we should go for fiscal charter."
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Sooty's very good on economics.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31He said, "You're going to want to borrow one day, John,
0:04:31 > 0:04:35"so don't sign in." "OK." So he didn't.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37That's not true, that bit.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41About Sooty. They haven't got anyone nearly as good as Sooty.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Are you obsessed with Sooty?
0:04:43 > 0:04:46You've mentioned his name three times in the last 20 seconds.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50I want him to be in the cabinet.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54Is that as far as your desires and ambitions go for the little bear?
0:04:54 > 0:04:57No, I think he'd get the top job.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59And if he comes on this programme, he could be Mayor of London.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05During the debate, how did he describe his decision
0:05:05 > 0:05:07- to reverse Labour's stance? - ROBOTIC: Embarrassing.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- That one?- Was he a Dalek?
0:05:10 > 0:05:13He looked like... You know when you're hungover and you have a memory
0:05:13 > 0:05:14and you go, "Oh, God, no."
0:05:14 > 0:05:17He just kept saying, "Embarrassing, embarrassing."
0:05:17 > 0:05:20It was like, "Stop saying it, you're on telly!"
0:05:20 > 0:05:23It was like he was having some kind of malfunction.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27Couldn't we restage it with glove puppets?
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Give Sooty his chance.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Sadiq, do you feel it's embarrassing?
0:05:31 > 0:05:35Had I known I'd be doing this show the Friday after then...
0:05:35 > 0:05:38I probably would have said no to this show, but, look....
0:05:38 > 0:05:41It could be any week in the next 12.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:46 > 0:05:49So there was a meeting of the parliamentary Labour Party
0:05:49 > 0:05:53on Monday night which the Telegraph described as heated. Why was that?
0:05:53 > 0:05:54It's getting cold.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Wait till October comes...
0:05:56 > 0:05:59APPLAUSE
0:05:59 > 0:06:03Apparently several members stormed out when McDonnell announced
0:06:03 > 0:06:06his decision to reject the charter. One MP said...
0:06:11 > 0:06:13It was probably best summed up by Ben Bradshaw,
0:06:13 > 0:06:15who left the meeting saying...
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Although a McDonnell spokesman described the meeting as...
0:06:23 > 0:06:29What was Jeremy, your leader, doing during all this total shambles?
0:06:29 > 0:06:31- I think our leader was listening. - He...
0:06:33 > 0:06:35As one backbencher put it...
0:06:38 > 0:06:42They're quite foul-mouthed, these Labour MPs, aren't they?
0:06:42 > 0:06:46- Were you at this meeting?- No, it was one of those meetings I missed.
0:06:46 > 0:06:51- Is that true? - The words of plausible deniability.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53So a lie, then.
0:06:53 > 0:06:58- And Sadiq organised Ed's campaign, so we can trust him.- Yeah.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03- It's going to be a long night, isn't it?- Yeah, it is.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Not as long as his.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Do you think... My own theory is...
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Ach, can we...? Next question! It's the same question all night.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14We're teasing it out.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Do you ever feel that maybe this is all your fault?
0:07:17 > 0:07:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Honestly, that Bake Off image has gone for good!
0:07:28 > 0:07:31That would only be the case if you nominated Jeremy Corbyn
0:07:31 > 0:07:34for the leadership contest.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37You didn't, did you?
0:07:37 > 0:07:42I did. And look, I mean, you know, I think it's early days yet.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45- It is early days.- You didn't vote for him, though, did you?
0:07:45 > 0:07:47No.
0:07:48 > 0:07:53- So you nominated Jeremy Corbyn? - Yeah.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54OK. And then you didn't vote for him.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57You went for Andy Burnham?
0:07:57 > 0:07:58Yeah.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02You made it sound as if that was a trick question.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06BBC's Newsnight did its own mini poll about the electability
0:08:06 > 0:08:09of Jeremy. Let's see how that went.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13How many of you would vote Labour if Jeremy Corbyn was leader?
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Put your hands up if you would.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18Yay, one.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27I don't know that they should have let Jeremy into that poll.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29This week we find out what Jeremy Corbyn's
0:08:29 > 0:08:31long-standing private engagement was
0:08:31 > 0:08:32that prevented him from meeting the Queen
0:08:32 > 0:08:34and the Privy Council. What was he up to?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36He was on a break,
0:08:36 > 0:08:40recharging his batteries after a really hectic and busy summer.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43You make him sound like an electric vehicle.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44He was on holiday in Scotland.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46He was having fish and chips and a soft drink
0:08:46 > 0:08:49at the Ben Nevis Bar & Restaurant in Fort William
0:08:49 > 0:08:50whilst on a walking holiday.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53We've got a picture of him relaxing there with the pub landlords.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Nice sweater.
0:08:55 > 0:08:56You can see he's just smuggled
0:08:56 > 0:08:58six bags of cheese and onion crisps
0:08:58 > 0:08:59right under there.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Right under the landlord's nose.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05Cos he wasn't at the Privy Council, he can't get told about threats
0:09:05 > 0:09:08like Syria and stuff like that, is that right?
0:09:08 > 0:09:10- He doesn't get a security briefing...- Right.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12..until he turns up.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14So he'll have to go at some stage
0:09:14 > 0:09:16but he didn't go this week.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- Who here has been to a Privy Council meeting?- I have.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22What do you need to do? What's the initiation ceremony?
0:09:22 > 0:09:25First time you go in there, you swear an oath to the Queen.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- Is there any kissing or kneeling? - I did both.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29Were you required to do both?
0:09:29 > 0:09:32LAUGHTER
0:09:32 > 0:09:34I was told those are the rules to get in.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36- So you kiss the hand?- Yeah.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Isn't it you're supposed to brush your nose with it?
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Nobody told me that, so I kissed her hand.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44I was told afterwards that I was supposed to have...
0:09:46 > 0:09:47LAUGHTER
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Sorry, you met the Queen and you're supposed to do this?
0:09:52 > 0:09:56Finally, why might Labour's deputy leader Tom Watson
0:09:56 > 0:10:01have been a bit too distracted this week to notice his party imploding?
0:10:01 > 0:10:03He's on full time paedo duty.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07LAUGHTER
0:10:07 > 0:10:10We're all thinking how to phrase it, Ian!
0:10:10 > 0:10:13I thought I'd do it technically.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15He's roaming around the country
0:10:15 > 0:10:18shouting through people's windows, "Paedo!
0:10:18 > 0:10:22"I can see you in there. Paedophile.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24"Paedo!"
0:10:24 > 0:10:28Unfortunately some of the people he's shouting at aren't paedos,
0:10:28 > 0:10:31which is a problem for him,
0:10:31 > 0:10:33and everyone else.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35This is the Labour Party beginning to fall apart
0:10:35 > 0:10:40with just five nail-biting years to go before the general election.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Diane Abbott attempted to defend Labour's U-turn on Radio 4's
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Today programme but instead, according to the Times...
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Leading many in the Labour Party to question her usefulness...
0:10:52 > 0:10:55unless, of course, you want a game of Battleships.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57LAUGHTER
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Ian and Roisin, take a look at this.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05It's a U-turn.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07- This is the Tory U-turn. - Yes.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10We were going to provide a prison training service
0:11:10 > 0:11:13and they were going to advise Saudi Arabia on their jails.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17It's like, "Oh, what, is your hand hurting from whipping?"
0:11:17 > 0:11:20It's just us sucking up to the Saudis yet again.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23But finally someone's called their bluff.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27You're absolutely right, this is the famous liberal Michael Gove...
0:11:27 > 0:11:30He is! It's a really liberal move.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33..effecting the Government's U-turn over supplying Saudi Arabia
0:11:33 > 0:11:37with consultancy advice for their prison system, worth 6 million quid.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Why has Cameron U-turned?
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Has he only just realised
0:11:41 > 0:11:43that Saudi Arabia execute 200 people a year?
0:11:43 > 0:11:48No, I think he was aware of it before, but he didn't care.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52The Labour Party have raised this issue.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Jeremy Corbyn mentioned it in his speech in Brighton
0:11:55 > 0:11:57and, lo and behold, two weeks later,
0:11:57 > 0:11:59you've got this massive U-turn from the government.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03He challenged Cameron about the deal to help the Saudis take control
0:12:03 > 0:12:06of the UN committee on human rights when they were planning to behead
0:12:06 > 0:12:09a teenager for looking at things on the internet.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11This is Jon Snow taking Cameron to task.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14We in November did a deal with the Saudis
0:12:14 > 0:12:17that we would back them joining the Human Rights Council
0:12:17 > 0:12:20of the United Nations providing they backed us.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22This sounds a bit squalid for one
0:12:22 > 0:12:26of the most human-rights-abusing regimes on Earth.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Saudi Arabia is a member of the United Nations
0:12:28 > 0:12:30but we completely disagree with them...
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Why did you want them inside the Human Rights...?
0:12:33 > 0:12:37We completely disagree with them about the punishment routines,
0:12:37 > 0:12:39about the death penalty, about those issues.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Why did we do this deal? They're not the right sort of people to be doing
0:12:42 > 0:12:44any sort of a deal on human rights.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- We totally oppose their record in that area.- But why did we do it?
0:12:47 > 0:12:50- We totally oppose their record in that area.- No, but why did we do it?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- I've answered the question. - Well, that isn't an answer, is it?
0:12:53 > 0:12:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:57 > 0:13:00There's potentially another reason as well,
0:13:00 > 0:13:03a single case that might have precipitated this.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- The blogger. - The guy who made the wine.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09This is it, yes. Do you know anything more about him?
0:13:09 > 0:13:11He made really bad wine...
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- No, he made home-made wine in Saudi Arabia.- Yup.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17And he is in prison and they said they might flog him.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Ironically, for going on the lash.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23LAUGHTER
0:13:23 > 0:13:24What did he make the wine out of?
0:13:24 > 0:13:27- Do we know?- This we don't know. Just "home-made."
0:13:27 > 0:13:31- Which sounds a little suspect. - Can you make wine out of nettles?
0:13:31 > 0:13:32Boots kit.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35- Boots kit, yes. - You just do it in the bath.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38The idea of you making wine in the bath!
0:13:38 > 0:13:42Champagne in a bidet, yes! But wine in a bath?!
0:13:42 > 0:13:44The bubbles are fantastic.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Was Saudi Arabia always called Saudi Arabia?
0:13:47 > 0:13:50It was given to the Saud Family. King Saud.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54It's as though England was known as Lizland.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Please can we now rename it Lizland?!
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Lizland. I think that would be rather good.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Do you think Jeremy would go for that?
0:14:05 > 0:14:07# Lizland, Lizland...#
0:14:09 > 0:14:13- Isn't that the German national anthem?- It is.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16I'm just going back a little bit in history.
0:14:16 > 0:14:21It sounds like a Queen-related theme park, Liz Land.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Get a ride on the Duke of Edinburgh!
0:14:23 > 0:14:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Staying with... Oh, no.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33That's going to take a while to leave my mind.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36You gotta be this high to get on this ride.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40AUDIENCE LAUGHS THEN OOHS
0:14:40 > 0:14:42I don't know what joke you think you're objecting to.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Some of you have got very dirty minds out there.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49- Can I just say, if Her Majesty is watching...- If she's watching?!
0:14:49 > 0:14:52As a Privy Council member, I apologise profusely for what your subjects are saying.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54She's not watching this,
0:14:54 > 0:14:56she's watching Piers Morgan Interviews the Bee Gees.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58On Life Stories.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00If she is watching, she'll say,
0:15:00 > 0:15:04"There's the guy who snogged my hand as opposed to doing that."
0:15:04 > 0:15:06OK, we'll stay with abroad news.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Is that how we're referring to the Queen these days?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10'The Broad'?
0:15:10 > 0:15:14- That's not very good, is it? - Who wants Britain to stay abroad?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Richard Branson, all sensible people,
0:15:16 > 0:15:18people who aren't xenophobes
0:15:18 > 0:15:21and people who'd like us to have jobs and growth in this country.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23You made a distinction between Richard Branson
0:15:23 > 0:15:25and all sensible people.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29- Any other prominent names? - What about Jeremy?
0:15:29 > 0:15:32He's got a bit of form on wanting to leave.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36I think you'll find we are definitely in favour of staying Europe, Ian.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38This week, anyway.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41LAUGHTER
0:15:41 > 0:15:43When can we expect a solid answer?
0:15:43 > 0:15:45I think you've heard it here tonight.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48We're going to campaign to stay in the EU.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50This is breaking news now?
0:15:50 > 0:15:52You've decided it on a comedy panel show?
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- All former Prime Ministers, they're in. Did you see them?- Yes.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58They all agree.
0:15:58 > 0:16:04- Who haven't they got that they really want?- Mary Berry.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Couldn't possibly comment on her views on Europe.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Mainly - can't get a sensible word out of her
0:16:09 > 0:16:10after about eight o'clock.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13What sort of words do you get out of her after eight o'clock?
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Who could you think of that would really seal the deal?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18- Boris Johnson.- Indeed.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22- He went to a trade mission where? - He's in Japan.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26What did he say that was seized on by the press in regards to Europe?
0:16:26 > 0:16:29"Blah, blah, blah, Europe, Europe, blah, blah, blah."
0:16:29 > 0:16:34SHE MUMBLES INCOMPREHENSIBLY
0:16:34 > 0:16:38APPLAUSE
0:16:38 > 0:16:39He said...
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Don't know if he travels easyJet but that was his statement about it.
0:16:45 > 0:16:50While in Japan, Boris tried out a range of Japanese goods,
0:16:50 > 0:16:52including some authentic Japanese footwear.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Thank you, that's it, thank you.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05They're just having a laugh, aren't they?
0:17:05 > 0:17:08The people at the temple said, "We've got these clown shoes...
0:17:08 > 0:17:10"get him to wear them, I bet he'll wear them.
0:17:10 > 0:17:15I really hope they hid his real shoes after so he had to walk home in them.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18The long Shinto walk of shame.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21The Japanese have a word specifically to describe the act
0:17:21 > 0:17:24of sending Boris Johnson to a culturally sensitive part
0:17:24 > 0:17:27of the world, and that word is...kamikaze.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29What else did Boris do while he was out there?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32He tripped over a boy while playing rugby.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35He sort of shoulder charged him and this eight-year-old boy
0:17:35 > 0:17:38collapsed into a heap and Boris just said, "Well..."
0:17:38 > 0:17:42- Collateral damage. - Yeah, he said collateral damage.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45"Blah, blah, blah, rugby, rugby."
0:17:47 > 0:17:52He saw the boy and he went for him. He played the boy not the ball.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56He did indeed. He squashed a small child.
0:17:56 > 0:18:02Here are some really captivating images of him just playing.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Just a little bit of play there.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14Where else has Britain been falling down in our dealings with abroad?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Is it war?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18LAUGHTER
0:18:18 > 0:18:21We've come up short in a war? We didn't turn up?
0:18:21 > 0:18:25"We thought you said 11."
0:18:25 > 0:18:26In terms of diplomacy,
0:18:26 > 0:18:30what might one do when you visit somebody from a foreign land?
0:18:30 > 0:18:34- You take along a gift of some kind. - Absolutely. According to Anna Soubry
0:18:34 > 0:18:37we've given poor quality gifts. We in return have received some
0:18:37 > 0:18:40quite nice gifts. What did the Queen get in Fiji?
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Was it Fiji?
0:18:46 > 0:18:48"I've got one of these."
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- A lake.- Not a lake but something...
0:18:51 > 0:18:53I was going to say something that swims in it but it doesn't...
0:18:53 > 0:18:55- Something that perhaps is in a river.- A whale.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59- What bit of the whale?- What?
0:18:59 > 0:19:04- She got bits of whale? - She got a bit of a whale.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07You can't get a whole whale - that's a massive gift!
0:19:07 > 0:19:10But it makes sense, it's the whole whale!
0:19:10 > 0:19:13But you have to pretend you don't know what it is when you unwrap it.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15"Is it a bike?"
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Yeah, that's a thing. When gift wrapping a whale,
0:19:23 > 0:19:27- would cover the blowhole or not? - I think you'd have to.
0:19:27 > 0:19:32- For reasons of national security. - Otherwise you'd be giving it away.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36"Your Christmas present has just eaten 5,000 tonnes of plankton."
0:19:36 > 0:19:39It wasn't a whole whale. It was not a whole whale.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43You're saying it like it's not as bad cos it wasn't a whole whale.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47- Was it just his eyes? - No, slightly lower than the eyes.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50His nose? Do they have noses?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52- Was it a whale tooth? - Yes, it was.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55In my sad universe, I like to think they painlessly extracted it
0:19:55 > 0:19:57and let it go on its way.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59"This is for the Queen!"
0:20:01 > 0:20:05They did it nicely, with music playing in the background.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08- Really nice dentist. - Whale music!
0:20:10 > 0:20:15To calm him down. Sounds like hundreds of his peers are watching.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19- How big would a whale's tooth be? - You'd have to adjust the chair.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26If you think a sperm whale tooth is good, what did the islanders of Tana
0:20:26 > 0:20:30in the South Pacific give the Duke of Edinburgh?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Was it the rest of the whale?
0:20:32 > 0:20:35- "You can match them." - I can tell you this clue.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37I don't think he had already got one of these.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Was it a Wham! album?
0:20:46 > 0:20:49They gave him...
0:20:51 > 0:20:56- For the man who has everything. - Who has a straw penis, presumably!
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Who has been getting a gift from the Russians,
0:20:58 > 0:21:00on a more serious note?
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Are you doing a gift in the real sense of the gift or a bad gift?
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- This is a bad gift.- OK.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08This is specifically about the gift from
0:21:08 > 0:21:11the Russians to President Assad of Syria.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Russia has been bombing all of his opponents, including,
0:21:14 > 0:21:16on occasions, Isis.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19They've started firing cruise missiles from ships in the Caspian,
0:21:19 > 0:21:23930 miles away, and four missiles landed in?
0:21:23 > 0:21:25- Iran.- Iran indeed.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Amazon missile. They're not in, go next door!
0:21:28 > 0:21:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:35 > 0:21:38This is the government's U-turn on the Saudi prison contract.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Britain is involved in a row with Saudi Arabia over the cancellation
0:21:41 > 0:21:45of a prison deal and the threat to flog one of our citizens.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Saudi Arabia is not a sensible place for a bloke to drink alcohol,
0:21:48 > 0:21:50cos, if you do get drunk, you can't even get your wife
0:21:50 > 0:21:52to drive you home.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58And so to round two, the One-armed Bandit of News.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here is the first one.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09BUZZER
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Paul and Sadiq.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15This is the news that, from now on, there will be no more nude women
0:22:15 > 0:22:16in Playboy magazine.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Why have they come to that sensible decision?
0:22:19 > 0:22:21They're going to use actual rabbits now
0:22:21 > 0:22:23but with human ears.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27- And human bums.- Human bums? - Human bums. Human-bummed rabbits
0:22:27 > 0:22:29will be serving you drinks.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31From January 1st.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34They have actually realised - you'll know this, Ian -
0:22:34 > 0:22:36that the reason...
0:22:36 > 0:22:38LAUGHTER
0:22:38 > 0:22:41It's down to the influence of online pornography.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Playboy CEO Scott Flanders told reporters...
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Just one click, Ian.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55In dropping nudity from the magazine
0:22:55 > 0:22:58who are they now trying to appeal to?
0:22:58 > 0:23:00- Younger people. - Yes. Specifically?
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Children.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Playbaby.
0:23:05 > 0:23:06It's a job for Tom Watson.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12They said they want to appeal to...
0:23:14 > 0:23:17It's a kick in the teeth for all those rural masturbators.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22There was a fantastic interview... Ruby Wax interviewed Hugh Hefner
0:23:22 > 0:23:24and she said,
0:23:24 > 0:23:27"Do you ever fantasise with your girlfriends that they love you?"
0:23:27 > 0:23:30LAUGHTER
0:23:30 > 0:23:32She was a brilliant interviewer.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Carrying on with women's issues,
0:23:35 > 0:23:38this week it emerged that female Chinese cabin crew
0:23:38 > 0:23:41had been forced to do what ritual on aeroplanes?
0:23:42 > 0:23:45They were expected to climb into overhead lockers as part of
0:23:45 > 0:23:47an initiation ritual. Let's have a look.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Pixelated out her shame and hers, too.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53They've also pixelated her hands.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56I was thinking that the overhead locker looks more comfortable
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- than most seats. - I thought that.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02The airline did say the incident occurred after the crew had
0:24:02 > 0:24:04completed in-flight duties, and argued that...
0:24:06 > 0:24:09So that's fine, then. In better news for Chinese women,
0:24:09 > 0:24:12who was awarded the Nobel Prize for Medicine last week?
0:24:12 > 0:24:16I know who was appointed the Nobel Prize for Economics!
0:24:16 > 0:24:18- I don't know, either.- No?
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Don't judge me.
0:24:21 > 0:24:26It was an 84-year-old woman called Tu Youyou. There she is.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28First Chinese woman to win the award.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32And one bright spark pointed out that Tu Youyou may have won
0:24:32 > 0:24:34the Nobel Prize, but...
0:24:34 > 0:24:35Here goes the tweet...
0:24:46 > 0:24:48I don't wish to be rude
0:24:48 > 0:24:51but she looks a bit like the Dalai Lama in drag.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53It's not him, is it?
0:24:53 > 0:24:55LAUGHTER
0:24:55 > 0:24:57- It's him! He's smuggled his way through!- It is, actually!
0:24:57 > 0:25:00How many Nobel Peace Prizes does he want?
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08BUZZER
0:25:08 > 0:25:12An American woman. Her nephew ran to her arms and shouted
0:25:12 > 0:25:15"I love you", and, as he landed on her,
0:25:15 > 0:25:17he broke her shoulder - it's like two years ago -
0:25:17 > 0:25:21and she is suing her nephew for £125,000.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Is right. This is the news that a woman in the US, who took
0:25:24 > 0:25:28her 12-year-old nephew to court, has been awarded...
0:25:28 > 0:25:29zero damages!
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Hurrah!
0:25:31 > 0:25:33- APPLAUSE - Common sense has prevailed.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36The aunt, Jennifer Connell,
0:25:36 > 0:25:39claimed her nephew left her with a broken wrist.
0:25:39 > 0:25:40Her lawyer claimed...
0:25:42 > 0:25:46But the nephew, who was eight at the time of the hug...
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Crucially, as part of the evidence,
0:25:48 > 0:25:52how was poor Aunt Jenny - as I think we should rightfully refer to her -
0:25:52 > 0:25:54still suffering from the hug?
0:25:54 > 0:25:57She finds it impossible to carry out a full Nazi salute?
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Well, you're on the right track.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06She told the court, at a recent dinner party, she found it...
0:26:09 > 0:26:11That was just for starters.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Did she just leave it on the table?
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Typical American.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26In other crime news, why are public order offences surging
0:26:26 > 0:26:28nearly 20% across the country?
0:26:28 > 0:26:32It's because a new edict states that all complaints - ALL complaints -
0:26:32 > 0:26:36from the public must be included by police in official statistics.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39So, as a result, why was a teenage girl reported to
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Hampshire Constabulary over an incident with a perfume bottle?
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Was it one of those tester bottles in a department store
0:26:45 > 0:26:48and she picked it up and just squirted it in somebody's face?
0:26:48 > 0:26:50She had an argument with her mum.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53She used her mother's perfume before running out of the house,
0:26:53 > 0:26:55and according to the Times...
0:27:00 > 0:27:04According to Simon Hayes, who is Hampshire's elected Crime Chief...
0:27:13 > 0:27:15LAUGHTER
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Sadiq, you can change this if you get into power.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20You can make this not be a thing.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23If Jeremy Corbyn was Prime Minister, none of this would happen.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26You could just be walking past a police officer, "Blah, blah, blah."
0:27:26 > 0:27:28And they'll be like, "I've got to write that down."
0:27:28 > 0:27:30If you're going to get done for muttering something,
0:27:30 > 0:27:33you might as well punch them in the face.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35What happened to a man in Lima this week who attempted to
0:27:35 > 0:27:38break into a shop in just his undercrackers?
0:27:38 > 0:27:40- Was it a trousers shop?- Yes.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43He went straight in, put on a pair of trousers,
0:27:43 > 0:27:44"Thank goodness for that.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48"No-one can now see my undercrackers."
0:27:48 > 0:27:51If only he'd got as far as the trouser shop. He actually
0:27:51 > 0:27:53got stuck and then got caught.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59On the plus side, he did win the Turner Prize.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here we go.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10BUZZER
0:28:10 > 0:28:13The Times is now having a Latin crossword.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16What does that say in Latin?
0:28:16 > 0:28:19"I bring you news..."
0:28:19 > 0:28:22"Have I Got News For You!"
0:28:22 > 0:28:25The Times have finally printed their long-awaited sequel
0:28:25 > 0:28:28to the 1930 Latin crossword.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31And in waiting 85 years, they probably wanted the one person
0:28:31 > 0:28:34who started it to actually finish.
0:28:36 > 0:28:40The questions are a mix of straight and mildly cryptic clues
0:28:40 > 0:28:43mainly in English with the answers in Latin.
0:28:43 > 0:28:4622 across is particularly hard.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55I don't even understand the clue.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57Presumably, this is the sort of thing you would get
0:28:57 > 0:28:58at a new grammar school.
0:28:58 > 0:29:01Yeah, and they'd probably knock it off in 20 minutes.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04Does anybody know about the government's plans to approve
0:29:04 > 0:29:07the first new grammar school in 50 years?
0:29:07 > 0:29:12It's the extension of the Weald of Kent School. Very good school.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15- Did you go to that school?- You think I went to a grammar school!
0:29:15 > 0:29:19LAUGHTER
0:29:19 > 0:29:21I'm so terribly sorry.
0:29:21 > 0:29:27- We have had some rude people on this show!- Forgive me, sir!
0:29:27 > 0:29:30So you've got some chums...?
0:29:30 > 0:29:32What's the controversy about the extension?
0:29:32 > 0:29:35It's to get around the rules that you can't open new grammar schools.
0:29:35 > 0:29:38It's not in the same town.
0:29:38 > 0:29:41The law means that, strictly speaking, the new school,
0:29:41 > 0:29:44which is the annexe of the Weald of Kent School in Tonbridge,
0:29:44 > 0:29:48- it's eight miles away. - Long corridor.
0:29:49 > 0:29:51So back to Latin now.
0:29:51 > 0:29:53What other old Italian has been in the news this week?
0:29:53 > 0:29:57- Berlusconi.- It is Berlusconi. What's he done this week?
0:29:57 > 0:29:59- He has written a book.- He has indeed.
0:29:59 > 0:30:01Does anyone know the title?
0:30:01 > 0:30:03- My Way.- It is.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06Although I think Strangers In The Night
0:30:06 > 0:30:10might have been slightly more appropriate.
0:30:10 > 0:30:13He looks like a Chesterfield Sofa.
0:30:13 > 0:30:16If you took his jumper off he'd have all those buttons all over him.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19The only difference being nobody wants to sit on him.
0:30:19 > 0:30:23- Nobody wants to.- Or get the loose change that's fallen down the back.
0:30:23 > 0:30:26You'd give it a good rummage, just to see.
0:30:26 > 0:30:28It's got loads of interesting stories in it, this book.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31What did Berlusconi show George Clooney
0:30:31 > 0:30:33while he was round his house?
0:30:33 > 0:30:36A double bed that...
0:30:36 > 0:30:38Sarkozy bought him?
0:30:38 > 0:30:41No, not Sarkozy. Close.
0:30:41 > 0:30:44- Putin.- That's exactly right.
0:30:44 > 0:30:47Everyone wants a double bed off Putin.
0:30:47 > 0:30:49Clooney actually said..
0:31:03 > 0:31:06This is the news that, as part of their fight back against the decline
0:31:06 > 0:31:09of print journalism, The Times have published a Latin crossword.
0:31:09 > 0:31:12It's hoped that this new puzzle will raise interest in Latin
0:31:12 > 0:31:14to negligible.
0:31:14 > 0:31:16Oh, really!
0:31:17 > 0:31:19Still keeping it going.
0:31:20 > 0:31:23"One man stands alone."
0:31:23 > 0:31:26How do you say "one man stands alone" in Latin?
0:31:26 > 0:31:28Um...
0:31:28 > 0:31:29no.
0:31:30 > 0:31:32Cos I'll end up getting it wrong
0:31:32 > 0:31:34and making the case against it.
0:31:34 > 0:31:36But anyway, no, I'm all for Latin.
0:31:36 > 0:31:39Unus homo stet solus.
0:31:39 > 0:31:41It'll be equivalent to that
0:31:41 > 0:31:43but not all in the same case.
0:31:43 > 0:31:47LAUGHTER
0:31:47 > 0:31:51Time now for the Odd One Out round. It's just one between you this week.
0:31:51 > 0:31:57Your four are Sadiq Khan, Michael Portillo,
0:31:57 > 0:32:01Jon Snow and a Plectorhinchus caeruleonothus.
0:32:01 > 0:32:03This is about bastards.
0:32:03 > 0:32:06I thought you all had teeth missing.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08LAUGHTER
0:32:08 > 0:32:10It is about bastards.
0:32:10 > 0:32:13- That's the clue. Because... - NORTHERN ACCENT:- Jon Snow from Game Of Thrones...
0:32:13 > 0:32:16Please do that voice again.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19- NORTHERN ACCENT:- Jon Snow, winter's coming.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21APPLAUSE
0:32:21 > 0:32:23He's a bastard.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26Michael Portillo was described as a bastard by John Major
0:32:26 > 0:32:28when he rebelled.
0:32:28 > 0:32:31Sadiq Khan described the whole electorate as bastards
0:32:31 > 0:32:33when they didn't vote Ed Miliband in.
0:32:33 > 0:32:35LAUGHTER
0:32:35 > 0:32:37Is that not true?
0:32:37 > 0:32:39- No, it's not.- Oh, right, OK.
0:32:39 > 0:32:41I was alleged to have said
0:32:41 > 0:32:43that all voters as bastards.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46- Oh, right, but you didn't say that? - No, I didn't.
0:32:46 > 0:32:48- So this story's not true? - No, it's not true.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50Oh, right, well, there's no link, then.
0:32:50 > 0:32:52That fish is a bastard.
0:32:52 > 0:32:55LAUGHTER
0:32:55 > 0:32:59- Bastard is right, but who is the odd one out?- The fish.
0:32:59 > 0:33:02- No, not the fish. - Sadiq.
0:33:02 > 0:33:05Absolutely. They've all been called bastards, except Sadiq,
0:33:05 > 0:33:08- who called voters... - Allegedly.- ..allegedly called...
0:33:08 > 0:33:10How are you planning to get those bastards
0:33:10 > 0:33:15back on side before the Mayoral elections?
0:33:15 > 0:33:19Did you see Boris's slogan at attempting to back Goldsmith?
0:33:19 > 0:33:22He said, "From now on, it was back Zac,
0:33:22 > 0:33:25"and crack London's problems."
0:33:25 > 0:33:28LAUGHTER
0:33:28 > 0:33:32So, Michael Portillo, in 1993, along with two other MPs,
0:33:32 > 0:33:36was called "a disloyal bastard" by then Prime Minister, John Major.
0:33:36 > 0:33:38Speaking about the incident in 2013,
0:33:38 > 0:33:41what did Mr Major have to say about his use of words?
0:33:41 > 0:33:43"I was absolutely accurate in what I said,
0:33:43 > 0:33:46- "and I wish I had used stronger language."- Pretty much it.
0:33:46 > 0:33:47How he phrased it was this, he said...
0:33:55 > 0:33:58Apart from being an obvious bastard, can someone tell me what other hobby
0:33:58 > 0:34:00Michael Portillo has taken up?
0:34:00 > 0:34:04- Musical instrument. - No, but music's involved, Paul.
0:34:04 > 0:34:05Is it London Grime?
0:34:07 > 0:34:10Ian, do you know what London Grime is?
0:34:10 > 0:34:12Yeah, it's everywhere, just...
0:34:12 > 0:34:15LAUGHTER
0:34:15 > 0:34:18Like fellow Tory George Osborne, Michael Portillo seems to have
0:34:18 > 0:34:21developed a taste for rap group NWA.
0:34:21 > 0:34:24Here he is with a startling rendition of Straight Outta Compton
0:34:24 > 0:34:26on BBC's This Week.
0:34:26 > 0:34:28# Weekly, monthly, yearly
0:34:28 > 0:34:30# Until them dumb fools see clearly
0:34:30 > 0:34:32# That I'm down with a capital CPT
0:34:32 > 0:34:34# Boy, you can't mess with me
0:34:34 > 0:34:37# So when I'm in your neighbourhood you better duck
0:34:37 > 0:34:40- # Cos Portillo is crazy as- BLEEP.- #
0:34:40 > 0:34:41LAUGHTER
0:34:41 > 0:34:43They bleeped the wrong bit out!
0:34:43 > 0:34:46They should have got rid of all the other stuff.
0:34:46 > 0:34:48Due to his unhelpful views on Europe, Michael Portillo
0:34:48 > 0:34:52was called a bastard in 1993 by the then Prime Minister, John Major.
0:34:52 > 0:34:55He followed his outbursts over the bastards with a reference to
0:34:55 > 0:34:58Lyndon Johnson's maxim about J Edgar Hoover...
0:35:04 > 0:35:06On Bake Off, we're just the same with Mary Berry.
0:35:10 > 0:35:15Jon Snow is the illegitimate son of Ned Stark in Game of Thrones,
0:35:15 > 0:35:19and is often referred to as "Ned Stark's bastard."
0:35:19 > 0:35:21Game Of Thrones' mix of intrigue, violence
0:35:21 > 0:35:25and boobs have unsurprisingly helped make it a firm hit with politicians.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28Anyone here watch it? Anyone a fan?
0:35:28 > 0:35:29- Are you a fan?- Yeah.
0:35:29 > 0:35:32What draws you? Is it the intrigue, the violence or the boobs?
0:35:32 > 0:35:34Yeah, with Playboy gone, it's all there is.
0:35:37 > 0:35:39No, it's just the violence, I'll be honest.
0:35:42 > 0:35:44Let me try and pronounce this correctly...
0:35:44 > 0:35:47Plectorhinchus caeruleonothus
0:35:47 > 0:35:50is a newly-recognised fish that's been
0:35:50 > 0:35:52caught off the coast of Queensland, Australia,
0:35:52 > 0:35:56and given the name blue bastard. According to the Daily News,
0:35:56 > 0:35:59the blue bastard is a member of what anglers call...
0:36:03 > 0:36:05Lonely hobby, angling.
0:36:06 > 0:36:09Time now for the Missing Words round, which this week features,
0:36:09 > 0:36:13as its guest publication, Merry-Go-Roundup,
0:36:13 > 0:36:16a National Carousel Association's newsletter.
0:36:16 > 0:36:22And for those wondering about its circulation - once every 30 seconds.
0:36:22 > 0:36:23We're going to start with...
0:36:26 > 0:36:27The Bible!
0:36:29 > 0:36:32The Nazi war trials after the Second World War.
0:36:32 > 0:36:36- It's a famed writer. - Ernest Hemingway.- Bill Bryson.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38It was somebody who was a renowned diarist.
0:36:38 > 0:36:40- Samuel Pepys.- Bridget Jones!
0:36:40 > 0:36:43LAUGHTER
0:36:43 > 0:36:46She said they were V V V good.
0:36:53 > 0:36:54This is from Merry-Go-Roundup.
0:36:54 > 0:36:57The magazine have criticised Samuel Pepys for mentioning
0:36:57 > 0:36:59the restoration of Charles II,
0:36:59 > 0:37:02the Fire of London, the Second Dutch War,
0:37:02 > 0:37:04and the Great Plague, and yet somehow
0:37:04 > 0:37:08missing out the advent of a carousel. They are furious.
0:37:08 > 0:37:10Next...
0:37:11 > 0:37:14SADIQ: This is savoury and pudding on the same plate.
0:37:14 > 0:37:18You're right, it was sort of savoury and sweet and the answer is...
0:37:18 > 0:37:20Custard and fish.
0:37:20 > 0:37:22I'll give you half because it's...
0:37:26 > 0:37:29This is St James University Hospital in Leeds
0:37:29 > 0:37:31who served one patient this.
0:37:31 > 0:37:34According to The Sun, after the complaint, an auxiliary nurse...
0:37:37 > 0:37:40Although someone had stuck a sausage in it.
0:37:40 > 0:37:44- Sounds quite nice! - Sounds quite nice?
0:37:44 > 0:37:46Public school dinners, is it?
0:37:46 > 0:37:50- Memories. - Yeah, that takes you right back.
0:37:50 > 0:37:51- Mmm.- Mmm!
0:37:51 > 0:37:53Next...
0:37:56 > 0:37:58Ant. Dec.
0:37:59 > 0:38:03Swansea lookalike searching for dog with one eye lookalike
0:38:03 > 0:38:04to complete act.
0:38:04 > 0:38:07Ian was more on it with double acts.
0:38:07 > 0:38:08Laurel and Hardy.
0:38:08 > 0:38:10Is the right answer.
0:38:15 > 0:38:17This is a man in Berkshire called James
0:38:17 > 0:38:20who's looking for a Hardy lookalike to double up with his Laurel.
0:38:20 > 0:38:22Here he is.
0:38:23 > 0:38:26But if you're after an Oliver Hardy lookalike, just go on Tinder,
0:38:26 > 0:38:29swipe yes to an extremely attractive man in their mid-20s,
0:38:29 > 0:38:33and when they turn up, they WILL look like Oliver Hardy.
0:38:33 > 0:38:36Trust me. Next we have...
0:38:41 > 0:38:46European merry-go-rounds proved superior. The French one was better.
0:38:46 > 0:38:49The German one was MUCH better.
0:38:49 > 0:38:51Apart from the emissions.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54LAUGHTER
0:38:54 > 0:38:55The answer is...
0:38:59 > 0:39:02Around the 1850s, a carousel of wooden horses was known in England
0:39:02 > 0:39:05as a merry-go-round and in France as a monte-dejeuner,
0:39:05 > 0:39:07or "ride your lunch."
0:39:07 > 0:39:09Next up we've got...
0:39:12 > 0:39:14Marches into Czechoslovakia!
0:39:14 > 0:39:16LAUGHTER
0:39:16 > 0:39:18"The trees are so much nicer here.
0:39:18 > 0:39:21"I have not got my map, I do not know about borders."
0:39:23 > 0:39:27- Exactly.- What is the worst thing a German forestry minister could do?
0:39:27 > 0:39:29- Set fire to a tree.- Yes.
0:39:30 > 0:39:31Finally...
0:39:37 > 0:39:39And the landlord says, "That will be £5,"
0:39:39 > 0:39:42and the duck says, "Do you get many ducks in here?"
0:39:42 > 0:39:43He says, "No."
0:39:43 > 0:39:45He says, "I'm not surprised if you charge £5 a pint,"
0:39:45 > 0:39:46and that is the end of that.
0:39:46 > 0:39:50Drinks pint and then a dog comes in and is like,
0:39:50 > 0:39:53- "Listen, I'm sick of you hanging around here."- You're right.
0:40:00 > 0:40:04This is the duck who got into a fight with a dog after drinking beer
0:40:04 > 0:40:07in a Devon pub. According to The Mirror, the duck...
0:40:10 > 0:40:12It does not specify what the act is,
0:40:12 > 0:40:16although it is worrying that the duck has to be drunk to do it.
0:40:16 > 0:40:19So the final scores... They are close.
0:40:19 > 0:40:21We have Paul and Sadiq on 7,
0:40:21 > 0:40:22and, narrowly in the lead,
0:40:22 > 0:40:24Ian and Roisin with 8.
0:40:24 > 0:40:27APPLAUSE
0:40:30 > 0:40:33But, before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.
0:40:33 > 0:40:35Ian and Roisin have this.
0:40:35 > 0:40:38Lib Dem conference sell-out.
0:40:40 > 0:40:42Paul and Sadiq, you get this one.
0:40:44 > 0:40:46"I hear there's going to be a duck down the pub tonight."
0:40:46 > 0:40:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:52 > 0:40:55"He goes anywhere near my pint... If he's got a bow tie on,
0:40:55 > 0:40:58"I'm going to have him!"
0:40:58 > 0:41:01On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:41:01 > 0:41:04Ian Hislop and Roisin Conaty and Paul Merton and Sadiq Khan.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06And I leave you with news that,
0:41:06 > 0:41:08after Australia top their group in the Rugby World Cup,
0:41:08 > 0:41:11one fan totally overdoes it on the beers.
0:41:13 > 0:41:16After Robert Peston announces his defection to ITV,
0:41:16 > 0:41:21Nick Robinson hopes he'll finally get his go with the BBC wig.
0:41:21 > 0:41:25LAUGHTER
0:41:25 > 0:41:29And as two sisters win a fancy dress contest in Saint Petersburg,
0:41:29 > 0:41:33the runner-up simmers with rage at the injustice.
0:41:33 > 0:41:35LAUGHTER
0:41:35 > 0:41:37Goodnight.
0:41:37 > 0:41:39APPLAUSE