0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language
0:00:26 > 0:00:27APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41I'm Michael Sheen.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43In the news this week -
0:00:43 > 0:00:45at the Great British Bake Off end of series party,
0:00:45 > 0:00:49there's a rare chance to really let her hair down for Mary Berry...
0:00:56 > 0:00:59At an assessment centre in Carlisle, there's evidence
0:00:59 > 0:01:02that the controversial Atos "fit to work" tests
0:01:02 > 0:01:03are becoming even harsher...
0:01:08 > 0:01:11And filming begins on a new series of Miranda
0:01:11 > 0:01:13set 200 years in the future.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28On Ian's team tonight is a comedian and Leeds fan
0:01:28 > 0:01:32who presents a radio show that mixes football and comedy -
0:01:32 > 0:01:34in much the same way that Leeds United do.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Please welcome Jon Richardson!
0:01:36 > 0:01:37APPLAUSE
0:01:42 > 0:01:46And with Paul tonight is the leader of the Scottish Conservative Party,
0:01:46 > 0:01:50whose hobbies include hiking in the Scottish Highlands.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51In fact, she's never happier
0:01:51 > 0:01:55than when she's walking 500 miles, then walking 500 more.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Please welcome Ruth Davidson, MSP!
0:01:57 > 0:01:59APPLAUSE
0:02:02 > 0:02:05And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Paul and Ruth, take a look at this.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Ah, yes, this is the President of China, who's come to visit.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13There he is, there, seeing all the sights of London.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14Meeting of the minds...
0:02:16 > 0:02:19..and some of the protests, which he probably couldn't see...
0:02:19 > 0:02:22and, "Come behind this door and we'll just startle a little woman."
0:02:22 > 0:02:23- Ooh!- There she is.- There she is.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25There's a tradition where all the heads of state come along
0:02:25 > 0:02:27and startle this little woman every year.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30So, yeah, it's President Xi - is it, I think?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Or 11, if you're talking about Roman numerals.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Essentially, it's putting on a big show, you know -
0:02:38 > 0:02:40in China it's been reported as,
0:02:40 > 0:02:43"Our President's been met by every member of the royal family,
0:02:43 > 0:02:46"he's been greeted like one of the great world leaders that he is,"
0:02:46 > 0:02:47and they exchanged presents.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50The Queen gave him a leatherbound edition of Shakespeare -
0:02:50 > 0:02:53a book, presumably, rather than the actual playwright -
0:02:53 > 0:02:57and she was given two CDs of his wife singing folk songs,
0:02:57 > 0:03:00so expect it in a car-boot sale in the Windsor area.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03The next five or six weeks, look out for those CDs,
0:03:03 > 0:03:05cos they'll be there.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Yes, this is the first Chinese state visit since who?
0:03:09 > 0:03:10Oh, when was he president?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13APPLAUSE
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Er, indeed - President Hu.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24- Hu Jintao.- Right, yes.
0:03:24 > 0:03:25Yeah. Now it's Xi's turn.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Yeah.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29This is going to be a long round, isn't it?
0:03:29 > 0:03:3520,000 people lined the Mall to wave and cheer at Xi Jinping.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36Who were they?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39I think three of them were Tibetan monks,
0:03:39 > 0:03:46and 19,997 were members of the Red Army in tracksuits,
0:03:46 > 0:03:48pretending to be ordinary Chinese people.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50I can't prove that.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55Welcome to another edition of I Can't Prove That.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Did you see where the flags
0:03:57 > 0:04:01and other pro-Xi Jinping merchandise came from?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Boxes that were handed out round the back door of the Chinese embassy,
0:04:04 > 0:04:06as far as we could tell.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07Here's a report from Newsnight.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10The vast majority of people here,
0:04:10 > 0:04:12thousands are welcoming President Xi.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16They seem to be mainly Chinese students in the UK.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19But we've noticed they're all wearing similar T-shirts, caps,
0:04:19 > 0:04:21carrying very similar banners,
0:04:21 > 0:04:23and the thing about a demonstration like this is,
0:04:23 > 0:04:25a spontaneous show of affection,
0:04:25 > 0:04:28is that you don't really want to leave anything to chance.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31We found these just metres away from the demonstration.
0:04:31 > 0:04:38Boxes brought in from China by the Chinese embassy with all the gear.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40It's all about image, really, in the end...
0:04:40 > 0:04:42and the fact that we are allowing the Chinese
0:04:42 > 0:04:44to run a nuclear power station in our country.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48We've managed to get China to invest in this nuclear reactor,
0:04:48 > 0:04:51but we have to guarantee their investment.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52We have to guarantee the investment
0:04:52 > 0:04:54of the richest country in the entire world,
0:04:54 > 0:04:56saying, "If you lose any money, we'll pay."
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- That's not an investment.- No. - That's a bribe.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03- There's nothing could go wrong there.- No!
0:05:03 > 0:05:06I think they're all right - they already own Pizza Express,
0:05:06 > 0:05:08and they haven't touched dough balls.
0:05:11 > 0:05:16The whole exercise was just one long sucking up to the Chinese -
0:05:16 > 0:05:18and not mentioning anything that could embarrass anyone.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21They have - they've mentioned it carefully over dinner.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24If I invited Oscar Pistorius round for dinner this week,
0:05:24 > 0:05:27I don't think I'd get much credit for saying, "I tell you what,
0:05:27 > 0:05:29"I'll give him a withering look over the pork and Stilton,
0:05:29 > 0:05:31"I tell you that much."
0:05:32 > 0:05:34I thought Scotland came out of it pretty well.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Laura Kuenssberg absolutely nailed the Chinese Premier to a wall,
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- and we got a £2 billion...- She absolutely nailed him to the wall?!
0:05:40 > 0:05:41All her questions were devastating.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44I mean, I don't think a press conference is one question,
0:05:44 > 0:05:45but what a question she asked -
0:05:45 > 0:05:48and, yeah, we got a £2 billion bus deal, and we got to keep our pandas,
0:05:48 > 0:05:50so we did all right, yeah!
0:05:51 > 0:05:54- Did they come for your pandas? - Well, nobody's taking our pandas.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56They're not very fertile, but we still love them.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59But ineffectively.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Yeah. Not...
0:06:00 > 0:06:02They don't really love each other.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06I don't understand why...
0:06:06 > 0:06:10Like, we've been showing off how rich we are, but then asking for money.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13I don't understand... like, even he knows, in China,
0:06:13 > 0:06:15there's some tact to pretending to be poor.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19So, like, he gets photographed in a modest restaurant having dumplings -
0:06:19 > 0:06:21and then he gets here, and we're flaunting...
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Like, he must have gone mad when he met the Queen, like,
0:06:23 > 0:06:25"How are we getting to dinner - are we going to walk?"
0:06:25 > 0:06:27She goes, "We'll get pulled in a gold carriage."
0:06:27 > 0:06:29"Oh, really? What do you want to talk about?"
0:06:29 > 0:06:32"You couldn't lend us £3 billion, could you?"
0:06:33 > 0:06:35It's a good thing it wasn't a steel carriage.
0:06:35 > 0:06:36Yeah.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38AUDIENCE: Oh-h!
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Bad taste to bring up the collapse of the British steel industry?
0:06:43 > 0:06:47Partly China's fault, really, for just dumping steel on us.
0:06:47 > 0:06:48All these new jobs
0:06:48 > 0:06:51that the Tory Party say that Chinese investment's going to produce -
0:06:51 > 0:06:54I mean, we lost nearly that many this week,
0:06:54 > 0:06:55in the steel industry.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58The government haven't done anything, and I get the horrible feeling
0:06:58 > 0:07:00that David Cameron's watched The Full Monty,
0:07:00 > 0:07:04and he doesn't understand that that's not a viable option for everyone.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09"I watched an incredible documentary
0:07:09 > 0:07:11"about the steel industry this week, and I..."
0:07:12 > 0:07:16How did Jeremy Corbyn express himself
0:07:16 > 0:07:19on British job losses and human rights to Xi Jinping?
0:07:19 > 0:07:21They had a private meeting -
0:07:21 > 0:07:23and there was a picture of them shaking hands.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Have you got the pic?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27- No?- Have I got the pig?
0:07:28 > 0:07:31- Were you not told about the pig - the lucky pig?- No!
0:07:31 > 0:07:34We stroke the lucky pig on the fourth show of every series.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40I'm not going on if we're not stroking the lucky pig.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44I thought we were back to Cameron again.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Not such a lucky pig.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51The pic! "Have I seen the pic?"
0:07:51 > 0:07:53- Sorry, it's my diction. - I'm so sorry.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56When I'm not on with a proper actor it all just goes.
0:07:59 > 0:08:04- Here they are.- "Tell me about this communism. How does it work?"
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Who's asking who?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11The camera loves Jeremy.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Or at least he thinks it does. He's always staring back at it.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26"Who are these people looking at me?"
0:08:26 > 0:08:29During the Chinese Premier's speech to Parliament, David Cameron
0:08:29 > 0:08:32and Jeremy Corbyn were sitting next to one another.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Can you tell me what they're talking about?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37- "I don't want to be leader. - No, nor do I."
0:08:38 > 0:08:40A lip reader was being hired,
0:08:40 > 0:08:41but it depends,
0:08:41 > 0:08:44sometimes lip readers aren't always entirely accurate.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46But there's a suggestion that Jeremy Corbyn
0:08:46 > 0:08:48was talking about somebody's wife being an ex-prostitute.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Somebody's ex-wife being an ex-prostitute.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Somebody's ex-wife being an ex-prostitute.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Apparently Cameron said, "Oh, really. What's her number?"
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Or something. But, erm...
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Iain Duncan Smith's behind saying, "She was an ex-prostitute?
0:09:00 > 0:09:01"A working girl?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03"Was she paying tax on that?"
0:09:05 > 0:09:07"Or getting credits from the..."
0:09:07 > 0:09:09I'll tell you what, that lip reader's incredible
0:09:09 > 0:09:12because I'm not picking up any of this.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16Is that right?
0:09:16 > 0:09:17It is absolutely right.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19We don't know who they were talking about, though.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21- We don't know.- Let's guess.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23You know them.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25I don't know which ex-wife's
0:09:25 > 0:09:27ex-prostitute Jeremy Corbyn was talking about.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28No, but speculate.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32You still have the lawyers that say,
0:09:32 > 0:09:34"As long as I say allegedly, I can say anything I like," right?
0:09:34 > 0:09:38- Yeah, believe that. Go on. - Yeah, go on. Excellent.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Are we not allowed to see the real footage?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42No, cos then we'd know who it was.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- Ooh.- I think there's gestures in it as well.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47I think Corbyn's like...
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Still, very good lip readers.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03According to the Sun's team of...
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Oh, thank goodness we've got the experts in.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10The Sun's team of forensic lip readers they were discussing
0:10:10 > 0:10:13someone's ex-wife with Corbyn saying to Cameron...
0:10:20 > 0:10:22To which David Cameron replied...
0:10:25 > 0:10:28There were concerns that someone would say the wrong thing
0:10:28 > 0:10:32- about China's human rights record. - Prince Philip...
0:10:32 > 0:10:35is always the answer when the question starts with,
0:10:35 > 0:10:38"There was a fear that somebody might say something wrong."
0:10:38 > 0:10:40- No, it wasn't Prince Philip. - Oh, it wasn't Prince Philip.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43- John Bercow. - The Speaker John Bercow.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46He made several veiled references in his welcome address.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47He said that
0:10:47 > 0:10:51Parliament had received several prominent visitors from Asia...
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Nudge, nudge.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04How did President Xi react?
0:11:05 > 0:11:07- Well, according to the Telegraph... - Oh, yeah.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14What does benign tolerance look like?
0:11:14 > 0:11:17It's what happens when Mrs Bercow appears.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23What's the other terrible thing about President Xi
0:11:23 > 0:11:25that the Mirror discovered?
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Were his trousers too long?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30His trousers are touching the carpet.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Did you see the state of his cuff links?
0:11:36 > 0:11:37- Steel.- Yeah.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44Yes, the Mirror noticed that his trousers were touching the carpet.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Way Too Long...
0:11:50 > 0:11:52It's coming.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54..is the name of his tailor.
0:11:57 > 0:12:02So, what were the Buckingham Palace staff forbidden to do
0:12:02 > 0:12:05while the Chinese delegation was staying there?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07- Stare at them.- Stare at them.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12They weren't allowed to poke them with sticks?
0:12:12 > 0:12:16They were not allowed to use Wi-Fi in case too much internet activity
0:12:16 > 0:12:18slowed down the broadband speed for the Chinese.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22So the Queen must have one of those crappy Virgin Media hubs.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Prince Charles managed to avoid the royal banquet
0:12:27 > 0:12:31and other formal business but what job did Prince William have?
0:12:31 > 0:12:32He had to be Your Royal Lowness
0:12:32 > 0:12:36to the highest man in China, which is their basketball player.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37So there's all these pictures of him
0:12:37 > 0:12:40being looked down on a man who is supposed to be one of the epitomes
0:12:40 > 0:12:42of Chinese sporting prowess.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45It's all about status but luckily we complied.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51He was indeed lecturing the Chinese on the evils of the ivory trade
0:12:51 > 0:12:54and he met a very tall man.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58What is sinister about Yao Ming - for it is he -
0:12:58 > 0:13:00according to the Mail?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03The Mail said he's not naturally tall,
0:13:03 > 0:13:06but he was bred in a super-secret Bond villian-esque
0:13:06 > 0:13:11genetic mutation programme to be somebody that could play basketball
0:13:11 > 0:13:12and look down on British royals.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Is that right?
0:13:14 > 0:13:15According to the Mail.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32So this is the Chinese President's lavish state visit to Britain.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35When it comes to raising the issue of human rights,
0:13:35 > 0:13:39David Cameron is determined to treat China just the same as he does
0:13:39 > 0:13:42any other country, as long as it's Saudi Arabia.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46President Xi gave the Queen several gifts including...
0:13:52 > 0:13:55I'm not saying he panic-bought them at the airport,
0:13:55 > 0:13:58but David Cameron was given two litres of Smirnoff
0:13:58 > 0:13:59and a giant Toblerone.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05The meal was served to musical accompaniment from...
0:14:08 > 0:14:10It was either them
0:14:10 > 0:14:12or the Duchess of Kent's Rhythm and Blues Explosion.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Addressing the sensitive issue of human rights
0:14:17 > 0:14:19the Chinese President declared...
0:14:29 > 0:14:33A doctrine put forward by China's leading political philosopher,
0:14:33 > 0:14:34Fuk Yu.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37APPLAUSE
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Ian and Jon, take a look at this.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Pieces of paper.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49Oh, tax credits, don't mention them. And that's some protesters.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Someone who's never been to a funeral before
0:14:51 > 0:14:56and doesn't know you don't just write the name on the side of a box.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58This is the tax credits, they've put them through.
0:14:58 > 0:15:03And the idea was that it was unfair to give people who were working
0:15:03 > 0:15:06tax credits, their employers should pay and top it up.
0:15:06 > 0:15:07Now the bill's gone through,
0:15:07 > 0:15:10there's no mechanism for making the employers pay
0:15:10 > 0:15:12so you're just taking away lots of money
0:15:12 > 0:15:14from the poorest section of society.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17And there's been a rebellion by all these leftie Tories,
0:15:17 > 0:15:20which is the embarrassing thing,
0:15:20 > 0:15:22because you'd expect the other side to be against them
0:15:22 > 0:15:25but you rather hope your own side might be with you.
0:15:25 > 0:15:31Three million low-paid families will lose an average of £1,300 per year.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32But what's Osborne's plan
0:15:32 > 0:15:34to make everybody feel a little bit better about it?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36He's going to resign?
0:15:38 > 0:15:40APPLAUSE
0:15:40 > 0:15:43That figure actually comes from the statistical body they set up
0:15:43 > 0:15:47to come up with independent figures that everyone could believe.
0:15:47 > 0:15:48The body comes up with that figure
0:15:48 > 0:15:50and they go, "Oh, no. That's rubbish.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53"I've got better figures here on this envelope."
0:15:54 > 0:15:57He plans an increase in personal tax allowance
0:15:57 > 0:15:59and a higher national living wage.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03You'd think if the living wage was the panacea they claim it to be
0:16:03 > 0:16:06that they wouldn't reprimand their own cleaning staff
0:16:06 > 0:16:07when they ask for it.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08APPLAUSE
0:16:10 > 0:16:15- That was a weird reaction, wasn't it? - That was a Question Time reaction.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18I might do a joke about a Chinese name in a minute, Michael.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22I was disappointed we missed out Wi-Fi,
0:16:22 > 0:16:24I thought there was an opportunity there.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30Did Cameron say he wouldn't cut tax credits before the election?
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Yeah, he did. But it's naive to imagine he was going to stick to it.
0:16:33 > 0:16:34Let's have a look.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38Will you put to bed rumours you plan to cut child tax credit
0:16:38 > 0:16:40and restrict child benefit to two children?
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Thank you, Jenny, for that question. No, I don't want to do that.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47This report that was out today is something I rejected
0:16:47 > 0:16:51at the time as Prime Minister and I reject it again today.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Are you saying absolutely, as a guarantee...
0:16:53 > 0:16:57First of all, child tax credit we increased by £450.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- And it's not going to fall? - Not going to fall.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02It's unclear, isn't it?
0:17:04 > 0:17:07People don't really remember what you promise before an election.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09They don't punish you for it.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12I was speaking to an ice cream driver near me called Nick Clegg.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20There was a debate and a vote in the Commons on this, this week.
0:17:20 > 0:17:21What happened?
0:17:21 > 0:17:25They scraped through. Not much of a majority. 20.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Hm...
0:17:27 > 0:17:29You're looking at me like my maths is rubbish.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31- I'll deal with this. I'm good at maths.- Yeah.
0:17:31 > 0:17:3322.
0:17:34 > 0:17:3523.
0:17:35 > 0:17:3717.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39- 21.- 180.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40Don't worry. I know all the numbers.
0:17:43 > 0:17:44We'll get there.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49A Labour motion calling on the government to rethink the cuts
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- was defeated by 317... - Would have taken ages.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54..to 295.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58Ruth, you're a Conservative. Are you in favour of these cuts?
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Do you know, we've got a lot of people back into work
0:18:00 > 0:18:03and we want to make sure they're not worse off for being in work.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04And that's what all of this has been about.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- Yeah, there's a lot of us that are very angry...- So that's a yes?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Do you think George Osborne's going to do a U-turn?
0:18:10 > 0:18:13I would like to see some movement by the autumn statement.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Movement round that way?
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Something else you've said on the record in the past
0:18:19 > 0:18:22is how important it is to stick to the economic plan.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Let's not undo all of the hard work of the last five years.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27It is the stability that has got our country back on track,
0:18:27 > 0:18:31that's allowed us to grow faster than this over the past five years.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39How's that been going?
0:18:41 > 0:18:43One good thing did come out of the debate.
0:18:43 > 0:18:48Two of the sexiest new Tory MPs finally got a bit of airtime.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50- Who was that?- Jacob Rees-Mogg...
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Heidi Allen is going to be a firm favourite for a long time to come.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Indeed, Heidi Allen.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00RUTH: She looks like a 1980s ballad singer
0:19:00 > 0:19:02with the wind machine through the flowing locks.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05JON: Has she hired a wind machine for that shot?
0:19:05 > 0:19:06She must have done.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Just listening to the Chancellor.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16And the other one is Johnny Mercer.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19He was in the army, wasn't he?
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Oh, yes, those are army trousers, aren't they?
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Camouflage trousers, they'll be quite difficult to see at first.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29RUTH: Was he not in a shower gel advert or something like that?
0:19:29 > 0:19:31I believe it was a Dove soap commercial.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Well, there's some speculation about him
0:19:34 > 0:19:38advertising for an assistant for his Parliamentary office
0:19:38 > 0:19:41because dozens and dozens of women applied, having seen
0:19:41 > 0:19:44the pictures of him lathering himself up
0:19:44 > 0:19:45in a shower gel commercial.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49And his wife stepped in and he had to hire a male assistant,
0:19:49 > 0:19:51apparently, because she was so worried about it.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54That's never caused a problem for the Tories before.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59That'll stop any scandal, that will.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02It's better off this way, love, then we can share a hotel room.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04LAUGHTER
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Labour have had their own problems this week.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12What did we learn about Jeremy Corbyn's political adviser,
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Andrew Fisher?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17He tweets. A lot of rather bad-tempered stuff...
0:20:18 > 0:20:20..about members of the Labour Party.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22It's been revealed that last year
0:20:22 > 0:20:25he described the Labour frontbench as...
0:20:30 > 0:20:33He described Jack Straw as...
0:20:35 > 0:20:38You can see everyone's warming to him.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41And Tony Blair as...
0:20:45 > 0:20:49- Can anyone do an impersonation of Tony Blair?- No.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53Corbyn's ally and former lover, Diane Abbott,
0:20:53 > 0:20:56is apparently being sidelined. Why is that?
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Is it cos she's not very good?
0:20:59 > 0:21:02And she says mad things on the Today programme and then laughs a lot.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08According to the Sunday Times,
0:21:08 > 0:21:11senior Labour Party sources say it's because of her...
0:21:20 > 0:21:22So, this is the tax credit cuts,
0:21:22 > 0:21:25or as the rest of the Tory party called them,
0:21:25 > 0:21:29George Osborne's tax credit cuts.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30One Tory MP spoke out and warned
0:21:30 > 0:21:33that the measures would hit the most vulnerable,
0:21:33 > 0:21:34leaving them with the choice of...
0:21:37 > 0:21:40..which instantly set off an alarm in the ITV game-show office.
0:21:45 > 0:21:50And so to round two. The Strengthometer of News.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the first one.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59BUZZER
0:21:59 > 0:22:03- So, this is the news that the Scots...- Hang on, hang on.- Oh, shit!
0:22:03 > 0:22:05LAUGHTER
0:22:07 > 0:22:09I buggered this up in rehearsal as well.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12You got carried away with your Strengthometer, didn't you?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14- I'm sorry.- Maybe we should answer it first before you do.- Yes.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16- Someone buzzed in, didn't they? - Ian did.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Right, shall I just say it's over to you because you buzzed?
0:22:19 > 0:22:24- Yes, let's do that.- OK, let's do this properly.- Yes. This is acting.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27Watch me.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Yes, Ian and Jon?
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Yeah, see?
0:22:37 > 0:22:39APPLAUSE
0:22:39 > 0:22:41I think Jon had the answer.
0:22:45 > 0:22:50It's Craig Joubert, isn't it, who broke Scottish hearts this week?
0:22:50 > 0:22:53He made a mistake and now we're all out of the World Cup.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56But we have to carry on hosting it like good hosts.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58I think we should just pack up the stadiums and tell them
0:22:58 > 0:23:01to have it on their own half of the planet.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05APPLAUSE
0:23:06 > 0:23:10That's the most churlish round of applause I've ever heard.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Yes, this is the news that the Scots clinched defeat
0:23:13 > 0:23:16from the jaws of victory for the second time in the last year.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18The South African referee Craig Joubert,
0:23:18 > 0:23:21who gave a last minute penalty to Australia,
0:23:21 > 0:23:25at the end of the game, he sprinted from the centre of the pitch
0:23:25 > 0:23:28and people said it was a terribly bad thing and his pal came out
0:23:28 > 0:23:30and said he was only running cos he really needed the loo.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33I tell you what, if I had 40,000 Scots at Twickenham shouting at me,
0:23:33 > 0:23:36I'd be crapping it as well, so I'm not surprised he went to the loo.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Yes, he ran off after the final whistle,
0:23:38 > 0:23:41refusing to shake hands with the players and without waiting....
0:23:41 > 0:23:45Perhaps he was collecting his winnings from the betting shop.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48That's it.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Get there before the queue forms.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54So, Ruth, everyone makes mistakes, is all forgiven?
0:23:54 > 0:23:59Um...yes, as long as he never referees for us again.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Well, this is what you tweeted after the game.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Were you a bit tipsy when you sent that tweet?
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Well, my partner is Irish
0:24:16 > 0:24:19and the Ireland game was on directly before the Scotland game,
0:24:19 > 0:24:23so we may have been enjoying a convivial atmosphere
0:24:23 > 0:24:27in Edinburgh's finest wining and dining establishments
0:24:27 > 0:24:31for seven hours by the time that tweet was sent, yes.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34And to be fair, you were probably still rat-arsed
0:24:34 > 0:24:36from when England went out the week before.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Any other tweets you may have regretted?
0:24:43 > 0:24:47Ruth said of kicker Greig Laidlaw...
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Wow, that would be quite a conversion.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03There are a lot of people that tweeted back,
0:25:03 > 0:25:07especially heterosexual married men that said they felt the same.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Are we back to nailing people against the wall?
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Are you asking?
0:25:16 > 0:25:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:19 > 0:25:23Should the rest of us just discreetly leave at this point?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Oh, is that the time?
0:25:25 > 0:25:29- We're off.- In other sports news,
0:25:29 > 0:25:34Slovakian football team TJ Tatra Cierny Balog
0:25:34 > 0:25:37have to put up with this unexpected sight at matches.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS
0:25:55 > 0:25:59Now, you see, if it was like that, I would go to football.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02If there were more steam trains going up and down, yeah, absolutely.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05That would be handy to have at Leeds United,
0:26:05 > 0:26:09to get the old manager out and the new manager in.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Because he's a bloody disgrace.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16So finally, how has Greek footballer Leonardo Kutris
0:26:16 > 0:26:19been given some rough treatment this week?
0:26:19 > 0:26:23Was he run over by a steam train, overlapping on the left wing?
0:26:23 > 0:26:25- Well, let's have a look.- Yeah.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59The big bloke on the left there in the blue trousers,
0:26:59 > 0:27:02after he drops him he goes, "It's nothing to do with me."
0:27:02 > 0:27:06This is Scotland's heartbreaking exit from the Rugby World Cup.
0:27:06 > 0:27:07According to the Mail...
0:27:13 > 0:27:17Still, it's not the worst thing a South African sprinter has done.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19GROANS FROM THE AUDIENCE
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the next one.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29BUZZER
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Is this the memo that came out this week?
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Could be.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38It was a memo from Colin Powell to George Bush which said basically,
0:27:38 > 0:27:41"Blair's on side whatever we do.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43"He'll join us in the war
0:27:43 > 0:27:47"and he said that that will be his position."
0:27:47 > 0:27:50But this was in 2002,
0:27:50 > 0:27:54it was a year before they'd even started supposedly talking about it.
0:27:54 > 0:27:58So people are saying, unbelievably, "This proves that Blair was guilty,"
0:27:58 > 0:28:00which was one hell of a shock to me.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Cos I thought he went in in good faith.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08And amazingly we've seen this e-mail,
0:28:08 > 0:28:11and the man we've appointed to look into the Iraq War,
0:28:11 > 0:28:12Sir John Chilcot said,
0:28:12 > 0:28:16"Oh, I haven't seen that." So that inquiry was worth it.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18£8 billion, 25 years.
0:28:20 > 0:28:21I've made those figures up.
0:28:23 > 0:28:27Very much like the Chilcot report, I imagine.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30So, this is confirmation of Tony Blair's promise
0:28:30 > 0:28:32to back George Bush's invasion of Iraq.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35According to Colin Powell's memo, Tony Blair
0:28:35 > 0:28:38promised to back George Bush a full year before the invasion.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41This revelation came as bad news for Mr Blair,
0:28:41 > 0:28:47but even worse for Lord Chilcot who was just about to press print.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56What the...? What is it?
0:28:56 > 0:29:00- It's a ghostly apparition. - Is it a ghostly apparition?
0:29:00 > 0:29:02Is this Alex Salmond?
0:29:02 > 0:29:03- He believes in ghosts?- Er, no...
0:29:03 > 0:29:07- All right, OK.- Not yet. - Oh, I see. Is that a clue?
0:29:07 > 0:29:13JON: A sexy ghost. It's a busty ghost who lives in a museum.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16It's a new show for CBBC.
0:29:18 > 0:29:19It's called Spooky Booby Lady.
0:29:22 > 0:29:27Yes, this is the discovery of Britain's sexiest ghost,
0:29:27 > 0:29:32who has left her fingerprints on an Egyptian mummy's coffin in Torquay.
0:29:35 > 0:29:38The Egyptian Empire spread a bit, didn't it?
0:29:38 > 0:29:40It got as far as Torquay, blimey.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42According to the Mirror, she...
0:29:45 > 0:29:48..and according to the Daily Star, she has...
0:29:52 > 0:29:55Were these fingerprints on the mummy's coffin definitely
0:29:55 > 0:29:56the sexy ghost?
0:29:56 > 0:29:58No...
0:29:58 > 0:30:00because there are no ghosts.
0:30:01 > 0:30:05Well, apparently so, and according to the museum manager...
0:30:14 > 0:30:16JON: Oh, my God.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19It's a ghost of a woman with seven men - it's Snow White.
0:30:24 > 0:30:27- Staying on the subject of... - Yes, let's(!)
0:30:27 > 0:30:30- ..the paranormal.- Yeah. - Who else recently revealed...- Ah!
0:30:30 > 0:30:31..that they had seen ghosts?
0:30:31 > 0:30:33The sexy leader...
0:30:35 > 0:30:39- The buxom Alex Salmond. - Yes, it was Alex Salmond.
0:30:39 > 0:30:41He told reporters...
0:30:49 > 0:30:51The man currently on a train to Devon...
0:30:57 > 0:31:00IMITATES SCOTTISH ACCENT: "Hello, there. Would you like to see
0:31:00 > 0:31:02"my S-N-Penis?"
0:31:11 > 0:31:13RUTH: Oh, no!
0:31:15 > 0:31:19So, this is the apparition in a Torquay museum that's been dubbed...
0:31:21 > 0:31:24The museum manager claimed the haunted exhibit is...
0:31:26 > 0:31:29..and having seen some of the mums in Plymouth,
0:31:29 > 0:31:31I think he might be right.
0:31:31 > 0:31:34Time now for the Odd One Out round. Your four are...
0:31:34 > 0:31:36Michael Flatley...
0:31:36 > 0:31:38Betty the Chicken...
0:31:38 > 0:31:39two thirds of Americans...
0:31:39 > 0:31:40and Ruth Davidson MSP.
0:31:41 > 0:31:43BELL RINGS
0:31:43 > 0:31:46It's something about Twitter. There was a newspaper story saying
0:31:46 > 0:31:50two thirds of Americans are on Twitter or read Twitter
0:31:50 > 0:31:52or have it in the...tap.
0:31:55 > 0:31:58- And you're on it. - There's a chicken shop in Australia
0:31:58 > 0:32:01that's got a chicken to tweet. I don't know how they do it...
0:32:01 > 0:32:04- but I think her name's Betty.- That means Flatley is the odd one out,
0:32:04 > 0:32:07cos he can't tweet cos he can't use his hands, can he?
0:32:09 > 0:32:12Is it about Twitter, or am I going completely wrong?
0:32:12 > 0:32:15Ruth got the Betty the Chicken bit of it right,
0:32:15 > 0:32:19but everything else you've got pretty wrong so far.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21Michael Flatley's on Twitter, isn't he?
0:32:21 > 0:32:24I'll say it again - it's not about Twitter.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29What would most people usually use on a keyboard?
0:32:29 > 0:32:31- A mouse.- Antibacterial wipes.
0:32:35 > 0:32:39None of them use their hands for the activity they're known for.
0:32:39 > 0:32:41They all do things with their feet
0:32:41 > 0:32:44that you'd normally do with your hands.
0:32:44 > 0:32:47Apart from Betty the Chicken, who does something you'd normally
0:32:47 > 0:32:49do with your hands with her beak.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57Betty the Chicken has been employed by Australian fast-food chain
0:32:57 > 0:33:00Chicken Treat to run their Twitter account,
0:33:00 > 0:33:04- using her beak to type.- What do you mean, "She's been employed"?
0:33:05 > 0:33:07- Let's have a look at her in action. - Oh, go on, then,
0:33:07 > 0:33:09if there's film of her. Oh, yeah, look. I was wrong.
0:33:09 > 0:33:12She's got her own washing machine, as well, look.
0:33:12 > 0:33:15She has in fact managed to write one three-letter word.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18- Egg!- Nnn...no.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23It would have solved that query, though, wouldn't it?
0:33:25 > 0:33:29The Mirror writes that the only word she's come up with is...
0:33:31 > 0:33:35So, what does Michael Flatley do with his feet, apart from dancing?
0:33:37 > 0:33:40That you would normally do with your hands? Is that what...?
0:33:40 > 0:33:41- WOMAN LAUGHS - Mm-hm.
0:33:43 > 0:33:47There's a woman over here, I think, knows from personal experience.
0:33:47 > 0:33:48She hasn't forgotten it.
0:33:50 > 0:33:53- Does he paint? - Ah, that's a good one.- Yes.
0:33:53 > 0:33:56It's been revealed this week that Michael Flatley
0:33:56 > 0:33:59paints pictures with his feet that sell for thousands of pounds.
0:33:59 > 0:34:01The auction got off to a very slow start,
0:34:01 > 0:34:04as everyone kept their arms down by their sides.
0:34:06 > 0:34:09What does Michael hold the world record in?
0:34:09 > 0:34:12I would say the number of tap dances in a second or something like that.
0:34:12 > 0:34:14- It must be related to dance, surely? - Yes.
0:34:14 > 0:34:16- It's the most foot taps in a second. - Right.
0:34:16 > 0:34:19Can you guess how many foot taps can Flatley do in a second?
0:34:19 > 0:34:22And he is the Lord of the Dance, remember.
0:34:24 > 0:34:27Is that a clue, like, 12 Commandments, or something?
0:34:27 > 0:34:29- No.- It's something like 16, something like that.
0:34:29 > 0:34:31That'd be my guess.
0:34:31 > 0:34:34It's an astonishing 35 in a single second.
0:34:34 > 0:34:37Gosh. Some people can only do 40 phone taps.
0:34:41 > 0:34:43Sorry. I've just lost me mic.
0:34:43 > 0:34:47So better have an expert come in and fix it.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49As soon as I say "phone tap" the whole...
0:34:51 > 0:34:55I think it's...it's physically impossible to do 35...
0:34:55 > 0:34:57I mean, with both feet, I guess.
0:34:57 > 0:34:59It's like PlayStation with your thumbs.
0:34:59 > 0:35:03- You can't do that.- Have you got any film with it? No.- No.
0:35:03 > 0:35:05So it's just his word, is it?
0:35:08 > 0:35:11According to a recent survey, two thirds of Americans
0:35:11 > 0:35:12who use public toilets
0:35:12 > 0:35:16press the toilet flusher with their feet to avoid germs.
0:35:16 > 0:35:20Americans spend a lot of time in public toilets -
0:35:20 > 0:35:22mainly hiding from gunmen.
0:35:22 > 0:35:24GASPS FROM THE AUDIENCE
0:35:24 > 0:35:28Glasgow MSP Ruth Davidson is an accomplished kick boxer.
0:35:28 > 0:35:31Although the three most popular martial arts in Glasgow
0:35:31 > 0:35:32are judo...
0:35:32 > 0:35:34jujitsu...and...
0:35:34 > 0:35:36- SCOTTISH ACCENT: - "Did you spill my pint, pal?"
0:35:39 > 0:35:41Time now for the Missing Words Round
0:35:41 > 0:35:44which this week features as its guest publication...
0:35:47 > 0:35:51..the magazine of the National Fancy Rat Society.
0:35:53 > 0:35:55Well, well, well, fancy rat.
0:35:57 > 0:35:59And we start with...
0:36:05 > 0:36:06Racing through puberty.
0:36:08 > 0:36:11Children in Bulgaria are...
0:36:15 > 0:36:18Actually, only some of them got half an hour off school,
0:36:18 > 0:36:20but it's just nit-picking.
0:36:24 > 0:36:26Next...
0:36:32 > 0:36:34I noticed lots of rats dressed as cowboys
0:36:34 > 0:36:37at the Finnish Fancy Rat Association Show.
0:36:40 > 0:36:43It's not what I've got on the card. What I've got is...
0:36:50 > 0:36:52This is from Pro-Rat-A.
0:36:52 > 0:36:56If you're wondering exactly how far apart a rat's ears should be,
0:36:56 > 0:36:59it depends on the width of your shovel.
0:37:05 > 0:37:06Next...
0:37:09 > 0:37:11Make your cat laugh.
0:37:11 > 0:37:15Is it to become the fourth Mrs Cleese?
0:37:15 > 0:37:17It's...
0:37:19 > 0:37:23A new study recommends doing weird things such as adopting a silly walk
0:37:23 > 0:37:24as the best way to burn calories.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26According to the research...
0:37:30 > 0:37:33Especially if that curve is while you're passing Greggs.
0:37:37 > 0:37:38Next -
0:37:38 > 0:37:41what makes a fun game for rats?
0:37:41 > 0:37:42Mouse Trap!
0:37:51 > 0:37:53Next...
0:37:58 > 0:38:00The only thing that "but" might make sense in that sentence is if
0:38:00 > 0:38:02the museum is not in Cornwall.
0:38:02 > 0:38:05Is it - there are worries that it won't be completely full?
0:38:05 > 0:38:07SOME LAUGHTER
0:38:07 > 0:38:08Thank you very much.
0:38:19 > 0:38:22Surprisingly, pasties are a delicacy in Mexico,
0:38:22 > 0:38:26having been taken there by Cornish miners in the 19th century.
0:38:26 > 0:38:30According to the Independent, Michael Ball wants to build...
0:38:32 > 0:38:34Good news for everyone,
0:38:34 > 0:38:39apart from the man running Scotch Egg World in Tintagel.
0:38:39 > 0:38:41Next...
0:38:44 > 0:38:47Marry thy neighbour's ox.
0:38:47 > 0:38:50Thou shalt kill. Thou shalt...
0:38:50 > 0:38:52- Commit adultery. - Oh, yes. Go on, then.
0:38:52 > 0:38:54Thou shalt commit adultery, yeah.
0:38:54 > 0:38:55That is absolutely right.
0:38:59 > 0:39:02Unfortunately it fell into the hands of Tom Jones.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05IMPERSONATES TOM JONES GRUNTING
0:39:07 > 0:39:09That's another film in the bank.
0:39:12 > 0:39:14It wouldn't be unusual.
0:39:16 > 0:39:18And finally...
0:39:23 > 0:39:28Undoubtedly the finest rodent that has come before my judging expertise
0:39:28 > 0:39:33in the 15 years that I've devoted to the rat world since my wife left me
0:39:33 > 0:39:37for my best friend Bryan, who I still miss.
0:39:37 > 0:39:39Absolutely extraordinary.
0:39:39 > 0:39:41- You got it.- No, I haven't.- No.
0:39:42 > 0:39:44- It's actually...- Yeah, go on.
0:39:59 > 0:40:01"And is that the case for the defence?"
0:40:04 > 0:40:06So, the final scores are...
0:40:07 > 0:40:09..Paul and Ruth have five points,
0:40:09 > 0:40:11but Ian and Jon have seven points.
0:40:13 > 0:40:15APPLAUSE
0:40:19 > 0:40:23But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:40:23 > 0:40:27Contact wearers convention upset by windy day.
0:40:29 > 0:40:33JON: Cabinet assume position to welcome Chinese Premier.
0:40:33 > 0:40:35APPLAUSE
0:40:35 > 0:40:38On which note, we say thank you to our panellists
0:40:38 > 0:40:41Ian Hislop and Jon Richardson,
0:40:41 > 0:40:43Paul Merton and Ruth Davidson.
0:40:43 > 0:40:47And I leave you with news that after the third death in four days,
0:40:47 > 0:40:49there are suspicions that the organisers
0:40:49 > 0:40:51of the World Archery Championships
0:40:51 > 0:40:53may have ordered the wrong umbrellas...
0:41:00 > 0:41:03One renowned practical joker waits expectantly for his victim
0:41:03 > 0:41:06to discover where he's hidden the frog...
0:41:12 > 0:41:15And as she leaves a work's do in Brighton,
0:41:15 > 0:41:18one woman is completely unaware she's being eyed up
0:41:18 > 0:41:19by a male colleague.
0:41:21 > 0:41:23APPLAUSE
0:41:26 > 0:41:28Good night.