0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:29 > 0:00:31APPLAUSE
0:00:35 > 0:00:37CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:00:37 > 0:00:42Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Kathy Burke.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44In the news this week, on his way to a conference
0:00:44 > 0:00:46about the origins of the universe,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Stephen Hawking regrets demanding a police escort.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58In an attempt to confuse would-be assassins,
0:00:58 > 0:01:00David Cameron meets his stunt double.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10And leading scientists predict that future generations
0:01:10 > 0:01:13will struggle to overcome the forces of friction and gravity.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22On Ian's team tonight is the Channel 4 News presenter
0:01:22 > 0:01:23who asked recently,
0:01:23 > 0:01:26"When does a compliment about a woman become sexism?"
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Well, that's a very good question, blondie.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Please welcome Cathy Newman.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:36 > 0:01:39And with Paul tonight is a surreal comedian
0:01:39 > 0:01:42who says he likes to look for faces in cakes.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43Give it a couple of hours
0:01:43 > 0:01:46and I know where he'll be able to find at least one face in a cake.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Please welcome Ross Noble.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:53 > 0:01:56And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Ian and Cathy, would you take a look at this, please?
0:01:59 > 0:02:02- That's the latest spying technology. - That's you before deadline.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04IAN LAUGHS
0:02:04 > 0:02:05Oh, and that's the snooper.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- This is this new bill. - The surveillance bill.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Or you'd call it "the snoopers' charter".
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Oh, right. Yes, I would, Cathy!
0:02:14 > 0:02:17They've got this new draft Investigatory Powers Bill,
0:02:17 > 0:02:20and they're going to have your entire internet history,
0:02:20 > 0:02:23your phone, everything, saved for a year.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25So it's safe from hackers.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30There was a lot of spin before this, wasn't there,
0:02:30 > 0:02:32that they were retreating from some things,
0:02:32 > 0:02:33it wasn't going to be as bad as all that?
0:02:33 > 0:02:35That's what the government usually does.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38It tells you it's going to confiscate your entire life
0:02:38 > 0:02:42and then brings in a bill saying, "We'll only have half of it."
0:02:42 > 0:02:45And everyone goes, "God, Theresa May, she's so nice.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48"She was going to have everything I've ever done or known,
0:02:48 > 0:02:51"but now it's just this tiny bit of everything."
0:02:51 > 0:02:54So this is the second go they've had at passing the bill.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56What happened the first time?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58- The Lib Dems voted it down, didn't they?- Yeah.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01THEY called it "the snoopers' charter".
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Yeah, and look what happened to them.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08And what do the security services want?
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Everything.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Yes, they would like to access every single piece of information
0:03:13 > 0:03:16or personal data exchanged over the internet - ever.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18There's certain safeguards,
0:03:18 > 0:03:21but on the whole, it's still a bit of an attack on personal liberty.
0:03:21 > 0:03:26- I think.- But it is a popular measure.- With who?
0:03:26 > 0:03:30Well, the public aren't as bothered about it as you are, the polls say.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32AUDIENCE: Ooh...
0:03:32 > 0:03:34I hate to make cheap points, but...
0:03:34 > 0:03:36LAUGHTER
0:03:37 > 0:03:40- Are you bothered about it? - AUDIENCE: Yes.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42ROSS: You would be, with my browsing history.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44I mean...
0:03:44 > 0:03:45Just saying and that, you know.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47I didn't know what to think,
0:03:47 > 0:03:50but then I saw this documentary called Spectre, erm...
0:03:50 > 0:03:51LAUGHTER
0:03:53 > 0:03:55- APPLAUSE - And everybody's against it!
0:03:57 > 0:04:02It's true, they all are. M - he was against more surveillance, Bond...
0:04:02 > 0:04:05The only person who was for it was the bloke with the cat!
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Postman Pat is involved in...?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10LAUGHTER
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Has he been opening our mail the whole time?
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Disgusting.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Mrs Goggins in the post office? She's up to her neck in it.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24I think she was arrested, though, some accounting difficulties.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27And then they closed the post office down, and now she's alcoholic,
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- in a ditch.- Yeah.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32So...
0:04:32 > 0:04:33LAUGHTER
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Mrs Grog-gins.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- That's her.- That's her now.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42Fell on hard times, she's become Mrs Snoggins.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Won't pay her the money, poor old woman.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Working in a post office - now selling herself.
0:04:47 > 0:04:52Like she used to sell stamps. 1st Class mail.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54AUDIENCE GROANS
0:04:55 > 0:04:57APPLAUSE
0:04:59 > 0:05:02They're groaning and clapping at their own jokes!
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- Good.- And what won't they get with this new bill?
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Amazon recommendations?
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Cos that's sort of the upside of it, isn't it?
0:05:11 > 0:05:14They can be going through and checking people out, and going,
0:05:14 > 0:05:18"Mmm, interesting book on the Cotswolds."
0:05:18 > 0:05:20They link in to what you've just bought, haven't they?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22And they'll say, "Oh, now you'll like this."
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Somebody sent me a link.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Apparently, they'd gone to buy one of my DVDs, and it said,
0:05:28 > 0:05:31"If you like this, you'll also like this",
0:05:31 > 0:05:34and it was the DVD of Jesus Of Nazareth.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39APPLAUSE
0:05:42 > 0:05:44A new technical advance
0:05:44 > 0:05:49has made the job of the security services much harder
0:05:49 > 0:05:52for the last few years - what is that?
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Moving from the brick phone to the smartphone.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56- Well, it's encryption.- Ooh.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59According to the Telegraph, the biggest problem is
0:05:59 > 0:06:01when you get something that's...
0:06:05 > 0:06:09Well, I've had a few mornings like that, that's all I can say.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Happy days.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18WhatsApp, Ian?
0:06:18 > 0:06:19- What?- WhatsApp?- WhatsApp.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- WhatsApp.- WhatsApp, Ian? - Um...
0:06:24 > 0:06:28- My kids do that. - Yes, I've got WhatsApp.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30What is it?
0:06:31 > 0:06:34It's one of the phone applications that is encrypted at both ends
0:06:34 > 0:06:38as we said, which the government is trying to make cryptable.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40It started out on the iPhone...
0:06:40 > 0:06:41LAUGHTER
0:06:41 > 0:06:44That was a word you plucked out of thin air.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49It started out on the iPhone and this is what Apple have to say
0:06:49 > 0:06:52about their private messaging apps...
0:07:00 > 0:07:02So, there you go, terrorists,
0:07:02 > 0:07:04another reason to get yourself an iPhone.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Yes, but Apple are brilliant.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10They don't even comply with the tax demand so...
0:07:10 > 0:07:13But then they force Bono into your iTunes.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Surely there's got to be a...
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Who's come home just in time
0:07:22 > 0:07:26to have all his phone calls and internet history spied on?
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Shaker Aamer.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Yeah, the last British detainee in Guatamino...
0:07:32 > 0:07:33Guantanamo.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38The last British detainee in Guatamano... How do you say it?
0:07:38 > 0:07:40- Guantanamo Bay.- Yeah.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Released after 13 years chained up with a bag on his head.
0:07:44 > 0:07:45Maybe with all their new powers
0:07:45 > 0:07:49the government can finally scrape up some evidence against him.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51Which government minister
0:07:51 > 0:07:54has been accused of staggering hypocrisy this week?
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- Well, which one hasn't?- Mmm.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01No, this week, it's Chris Grayling.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03He's been complaining about journalists using
0:08:03 > 0:08:06the Freedom of Information Act to find out things.
0:08:08 > 0:08:09He said...
0:08:17 > 0:08:21Yeah, bloody journalists with their stories, eh?
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Why was he particularly being hypocritical?
0:08:24 > 0:08:27I was camping earlier in the week, I missed this story.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30- Really? Was it nice?- Lovely. - Where? In Wales?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Quite mild as well, for the time of year.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34- Good, so that was a big story. - I think it's too mild.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- Do you?- I do. I don't like it. - Has it thrown out your body clock?
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- It really has, I'm menopausal... - Are you?
0:08:41 > 0:08:43..so it really doesn't help.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46You just want a cold wind up ya at this time of life. You do.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48You do.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Yes, according to the Sun...
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Waterloo Bridge and the Thames are a simple walk away.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- You want me to jump?- No.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Cold air. I don't want you to jump.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06You could have gone...camping with her earlier in the week.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08- That's a bit chilly... - You'd be very welcome.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11- It was a shepherd's hut.- But that's not camping if you're in a hut.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13- No, you've rumbled me, it's glamping. - Oh...
0:09:13 > 0:09:15- Does that not count? - No, does it fuck.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Well...
0:09:22 > 0:09:25I wish I'd thought of that. I should have just gone camping,
0:09:25 > 0:09:27and every question I'd have just gone, "Ah, well...
0:09:27 > 0:09:30"I was up a mountain, wasn't I?"
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Here's me reading papers and stuff, I'm an idiot.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Right, according to the Sun, Grayling was...
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Actually, he was always keen to claim credit for...
0:09:50 > 0:09:52I remember him doing a live interview once,
0:09:52 > 0:09:54at a Tory conference, do you remember this?
0:09:54 > 0:09:56He was... Something was put to him and he said,
0:09:56 > 0:09:58"That is a terrible gimmick." And then they said,
0:09:58 > 0:09:59"Oh, it's one of your policies."
0:10:02 > 0:10:04And so now, what revealing document
0:10:04 > 0:10:07from the early part of the 21st century
0:10:07 > 0:10:09has come to light recently
0:10:09 > 0:10:11through good old-fashioned leaking?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Don't know, I was up Ben Nevis.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Too much information.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24APPLAUSE
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Yes, the Mail On Sunday claimed that a senior figure
0:10:28 > 0:10:30from Number Ten at the time has
0:10:30 > 0:10:32revealed that an order was issued to...
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Well, this was the Attorney General at the time.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Was this Goldsmith's advice?
0:10:41 > 0:10:43And he said to, um, Tony Blair,
0:10:43 > 0:10:46"This war is illegal. That's my considered opinion."
0:10:46 > 0:10:49And Blair said, "Would you like to think again?...
0:10:49 > 0:10:50"Or you're sacked."
0:10:50 > 0:10:51Erm...
0:10:51 > 0:10:53I have no evidence for that...
0:10:55 > 0:10:58But, then, they didn't have much evidence for anything anyway, so...
0:10:58 > 0:11:01APPLAUSE
0:11:02 > 0:11:05On the subject of Iraq, would you like to see a photo
0:11:05 > 0:11:07of Sir John Chilcot at a bus stop?
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Is he shoplifting the biggest roll of salami ever seen in Ealing?
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Right, this is the government's snoopers' charter.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29And if you sign the online petition against it, bad luck,
0:11:29 > 0:11:32they know where you live.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Meanwhile, the last British resident held in Guantanamo...G...
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Why can't I say it?
0:11:37 > 0:11:38Just say, "Margate."
0:11:44 > 0:11:48Meanwhile, the last British resident held in Guantanamo Bay
0:11:48 > 0:11:51was released after 13 years held without charge.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53According to his father...
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Well, apart from those blokes who kept putting jump leads on him.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04AUDIENCE GROANS
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Right, Paul and Ross - here's one for you...
0:12:09 > 0:12:13Yes, this is Nigella Lawson being protected from the weather.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15This is avocado and a fork.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19And that may be her putting it on toast. It may be...
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Probably isn't her, cos I can tell that the desk there
0:12:22 > 0:12:25is the same colour as the desk that I'm sitting at now.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27So, I would suggest that item was filmed here
0:12:27 > 0:12:29about 11:30 this morning.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Hang on... Nigella Lawson uses this very studio?
0:12:34 > 0:12:38- At 11:30 in the morning. - Is that right?- Absolutely right.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40- ROSS SNIFFS - So, she...- What...?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49That's a special memory for everybody here,
0:12:49 > 0:12:52cos of course you'll never see that on television.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Yeah, she's done a new show...
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Nigella's Load Of Old Rope...
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Next week, she's doing Pot Noodle...
0:13:04 > 0:13:06and then she's doing...er...
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Angel Delight... Is the...
0:13:09 > 0:13:11The one after that, where she...
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Bag of powder... And she just, er...
0:13:15 > 0:13:17What? What?
0:13:20 > 0:13:21This is the public outrage
0:13:21 > 0:13:25caused by Nigella Lawson making avocado on toast.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27So, are those the hands of Nigella Lawson?
0:13:27 > 0:13:30That would make a great game show.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34- I mean...- Bring Me The Hands Of Nigella Lawson?
0:13:34 > 0:13:37What was Nigella's stroke of genius with the avocado?
0:13:37 > 0:13:39- Did you see this?- Nigella seeds.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42And she licked them off her lips, didn't she?
0:13:42 > 0:13:43Radish.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Well done, Ian. It wasn't just a normal radish.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47It was...
0:13:49 > 0:13:53Oh, yeah. You don't want to make a terrible faux pas.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Oh, God! Is this dessert radish?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00What's wrong with you, Nigella?
0:14:00 > 0:14:02You've made a fool of yourself.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07In the preparation of this dish on her TV show,
0:14:07 > 0:14:09what did Nigella spend a lot of time doing?
0:14:09 > 0:14:12She was probably pouting, was it? A bit of...
0:14:12 > 0:14:14According to the Independent...
0:14:22 > 0:14:26Why might this be some kind of clever digital media joke, though,
0:14:26 > 0:14:28on Nigella's part?
0:14:28 > 0:14:33Cos it's clearly not a recipe and she's taking the piss.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Digital because she's using her fingers?
0:14:40 > 0:14:42APPLAUSE AND GROANING
0:14:43 > 0:14:47They're doing it again, they're groaning and clapping!
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Well, avocado is, according to several newspapers
0:14:50 > 0:14:52including the Mirror and the Guardian...
0:14:55 > 0:14:59That's the photo-sharing website for imbeciles.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02So, Nigella could just be taking the piss.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06What...? A photograph of an avocado is the most popular visual image?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Yeah, apparently.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Yeah, cos it's alphabetical, isn't it?
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Yeah, but what about an anaconda? That's more interesting
0:15:22 > 0:15:26- than an avocado.- Not that nice on toast, though, is it?
0:15:26 > 0:15:29It would struggle getting into the toaster.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31- You have to get a baguette.- Yeah.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Now that would be an amazing...
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Imagine if Nigella just came on...
0:15:37 > 0:15:39and she had, like...
0:15:39 > 0:15:41baguettes lined right up along her kitchen,
0:15:41 > 0:15:45and then she enticed an anaconda...to lie along it...
0:15:45 > 0:15:48and then killed it with her bare hands.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- Scooped out all its insides. - Scooped it right out.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53Licked the blood.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00I'd watch it, I would watch it.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06And then you'd see a shot of her bloody hands...
0:16:06 > 0:16:09And you'd have to guess - "Are these Nigella's hands?"
0:16:13 > 0:16:17What are newspaper fashion editors saying about the avocado?
0:16:17 > 0:16:21"Oh, this is great, it will fill up three pages."
0:16:21 > 0:16:24It's the fact that they are calling it the...
0:16:24 > 0:16:28It's because it's last year - it's toast, basically.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29The avocado is toast.
0:16:29 > 0:16:34So, how did Guardian fashion journalist Jess Cartner-Morley
0:16:34 > 0:16:37put the final nail in the avocado's coffin?
0:16:39 > 0:16:41She said...
0:16:41 > 0:16:43READS IN IMITATION POSH ACCENT
0:16:48 > 0:16:51...chalky whites...blues.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52LAUGHTER
0:16:52 > 0:16:53What?
0:16:56 > 0:16:57What, what, what?
0:16:59 > 0:17:01What happened?
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- You mocked her speaking style. - Oh, I did, yes.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06But I also cut a word that I can't pronounce.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10"Every other shade of green
0:17:10 > 0:17:11"has had its day
0:17:11 > 0:17:12"in the fashion-week sun -
0:17:12 > 0:17:14"apple...emerald...
0:17:14 > 0:17:15LAUGHTER
0:17:17 > 0:17:19"..jade,
0:17:19 > 0:17:22"even school uniform bottle."
0:17:22 > 0:17:23There you go.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Do you know how the avocado gets its name?
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Yes, it's a cross between two plants called an avo and a cado.
0:17:32 > 0:17:37It's an old Aztec word - aguacate,
0:17:37 > 0:17:40which means "testicle".
0:17:42 > 0:17:44It does.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- Shall we have a quick game of Avocado Or Testicle?- No!
0:17:48 > 0:17:50No!
0:17:53 > 0:17:55There may be certain medical complaints
0:17:55 > 0:17:57that would confuse the issue.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Oh, go on, then, right.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Are those Nigella's hands?
0:18:05 > 0:18:09- I can't believe we're going to play this.- No, we're not.
0:18:09 > 0:18:10We don't have to.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13This is the BBC, for God's sake, not Channel 4.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- Quite swollen testicles though. - Swollen testicles?
0:18:18 > 0:18:19For heaven's sake.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Just cos on Channel 4 that's all you lot do.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26My Big Fake Greek Testicles.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31I've seen the stuff that surrounds your news programme.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33It's all filth, all of it.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Can I just say, in the news programme we care about men's health.
0:18:36 > 0:18:37That's how liberated we are.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Fruit or bollocks, you decide.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46So, avocado or testicle?
0:18:51 > 0:18:55Well, he's going to need antibiotics, definitely.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01- We say avocado, if we must.- Oh, God, that's not going to pull back, is it?
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Please, God, avocado.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Here's another one.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Oh, dear me.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16They look the same except smoother.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18When did this show move to BBC Three?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22In the last three minutes.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24And finally, this one.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29I've never seen a pair of testicles like any of those three.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Well, you want to get out more, don't you?
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Yes, this is the backlash
0:19:35 > 0:19:38against Nigella Lawson's avocado on toast recipe.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41On the programme she said how much she liked the sound...
0:19:41 > 0:19:42POSH VOICE:
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Avocado is Latin for barrel.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57I don't know. All this fuss over an avocado!
0:19:57 > 0:19:59That's why most people tune into Nigella -
0:19:59 > 0:20:01to see a ripe, up-market "pear".
0:20:04 > 0:20:06- Sorry. - APPLAUSE
0:20:07 > 0:20:10And so to round two - the Strengthometer of News.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the first one.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20OK, this is the story about the Prime Minister not wearing a poppy
0:20:20 > 0:20:23in an old photo on Facebook.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Appalling!
0:20:25 > 0:20:28So his staff said, "We'd better change it," and put a poppy on him.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31And they put a great big one on him to show that he cared,
0:20:31 > 0:20:35and it was a huge scandal because they'd faked it.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38I'm not quite sure why it was a big deal.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42Who was particularly disgusted by the faked photograph?
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Erm, a poppy seller.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Piers Morgan. He tweeted both the before and after photos, saying...
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Faked photos - imagine!
0:20:58 > 0:21:00APPLAUSE
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Cameron isn't the only person who had trouble adding a poppy
0:21:05 > 0:21:07to their profile picture on social media.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Who else was causing poppy-based offence?
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Don't know. Somebody else doing the same thing?
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- It was actually Boris Johnson tribute act...- What?
0:21:20 > 0:21:23He tried to add a poppy to his Twitter profile picture
0:21:23 > 0:21:26but things didn't go quite to plan.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28He tweeted this picture instead.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Barbara Windsor made her feelings known on the poppy subject.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36What did she have to say about it?
0:21:36 > 0:21:38ROSS CACKLES
0:21:38 > 0:21:41APPLAUSE
0:21:45 > 0:21:47This is her on Sky News.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51Babs, what would you say to those who don't want to wear a poppy?
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Go sod off, for all I care.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00She's not in a bubbly mood, is she?
0:22:00 > 0:22:04Right, which SNP member was caught out on live television this week?
0:22:04 > 0:22:07It was that woman who, she asked to restart the interview, didn't she?
0:22:07 > 0:22:10And didn't realise it was a live interview
0:22:10 > 0:22:11and it was all a bit embarrassing.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Yes, it was the SNP's Angela Constance.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- Shall we have a little look?- Yeah.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19You have to remember that
0:22:19 > 0:22:25in 20,012...sorry, 2012.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Sorry, would I be able to do that again?
0:22:27 > 0:22:30- I just said 20,012... - All right, 2012. Off you go.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32We are live, by the way.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41There was good news for Jeremy Corbyn fans this week.
0:22:41 > 0:22:42What was that?
0:22:42 > 0:22:45He's still there.
0:22:45 > 0:22:46No coups.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50His calendar's come out in time for Christmas.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52January, him in tweed.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55February, tweed again.
0:22:56 > 0:23:02The good news is there's going to be Jeremy Corbyn the musical.
0:23:02 > 0:23:07According to writers Rupert Myers and Bobby Friedman it will be...
0:23:13 > 0:23:16I think it sounds brilliant.
0:23:16 > 0:23:17They said...
0:23:23 > 0:23:26I know, I think I've gone off it now.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30Finally, one other politician was being a bit creepy this week.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31Who was that?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Just one of them...
0:23:34 > 0:23:38I'll show you this one and you can buzz in when you know who it is.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45BUZZER
0:23:45 > 0:23:48I just thought it would be funny to buzz in at this point.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51I have no idea who it is. Is it George Osborne?
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Is it Boris Johnson, is it?
0:23:53 > 0:23:55- Shall we keep it going?- Yeah.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01That speed bump's going to slow them down.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05BUZZER
0:24:05 > 0:24:07George Galloway.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10- Cos he's got that hat.- That's a good one - or Leonard Cohen.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15- Shall we see?- Is it Orson Welles, Tales of Mystery and Imagination?
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Just an ordinary copper.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21I'm running for Mayor of London, 2016.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24If I'm the mayor it will be a greener London.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27There will be a ban on trucks and heavy vehicles.
0:24:30 > 0:24:31It is a bit Third Man -
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Harry Lime walking across the fairground, isn't it?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Meanwhile, Neil Kinnock warned pacifist Jeremy Corbyn
0:24:37 > 0:24:40that if the party opposes the renewal of Trident...
0:24:42 > 0:24:45He'd know all about that then, wouldn't he?
0:24:45 > 0:24:47I don't know why they keep describing Corbyn
0:24:47 > 0:24:49as a pacifist, he isn't.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51He disapproves of armed intervention by the West,
0:24:51 > 0:24:55but he's very happy for other people to kill people.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Hamas, Hezbollah, the IRA.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02I just thought I'd really go for the comedy now.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04But he's not a pacifist. He's not a Quaker,
0:25:04 > 0:25:07not somebody who doesn't believe in violence.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08So, there we go.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:14 > 0:25:17So, fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22BUZZER
0:25:22 > 0:25:26It's part of the relationship between China and Great Britain,
0:25:26 > 0:25:28and this is a portrait of the Queen
0:25:28 > 0:25:31made in porcelain that this Chinese artist
0:25:31 > 0:25:32is unveiling for our pleasure.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Yes, this is the largest ever sculpture
0:25:35 > 0:25:37made in Chinese white porcelain.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40It's the Queen by artist Chen Dapeng.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Chen said of the Queen...
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Let's have a look at the finished article.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Why's she trying to escape from an ice cream cornet?
0:25:54 > 0:25:58Didn't she used to work for Jabba the Hutt?
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Chen said this is meant to show her...
0:26:05 > 0:26:08I think it looks like a baby from a fanny. That's what I think.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12A royal baby born with a crown on its head.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14That's how they can tell them.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16He said the sculpture of the Queen is meant to show her...
0:26:16 > 0:26:18In a headlock?
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Come on, Your Majesty.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Well, Mark Hudson, the Telegraph art critic, wrote...
0:26:38 > 0:26:41How did two men cheer up a Ryanair flight this week?
0:26:41 > 0:26:43They were lookalikes.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45They looked alike.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49Do you want to see a picture? Neil Douglas and Robert Stirling
0:26:49 > 0:26:52found themselves sitting next to each other on a flight to Ireland
0:26:52 > 0:26:58where passengers noted a strange resemblance between the two.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02Obviously on their way to a Brian Blessed convention, there.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Why might Robert and Neil's coincidence
0:27:04 > 0:27:09- be more likely than we think? - They're brothers.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Everyone's got six doppelgangers
0:27:12 > 0:27:15seven, call it seven. Seven doppelgangers.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18At least seven, you're right. Spot on.
0:27:18 > 0:27:19I'll have that.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Which is a fact I didn't believe until I had another look
0:27:26 > 0:27:27at Beyonce last week.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Commenting on the bust of the Queen, the Telegraph reported...
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Anyway, China, good luck with building our nuclear power stations.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42So, fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47BUZZER
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Jeremy Hunt, there he is.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51He's - by a bit of sort of sleight of hand -
0:27:51 > 0:27:54he's saying that he's giving the junior doctors an 11% pay rise,
0:27:54 > 0:27:56but he's increasing the hours that they work.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00Yes, this is Jeremy Hunt's ongoing row over junior doctors' contracts.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03What's particularly upsetting doctors?
0:28:03 > 0:28:05That they think they're going to get a pay cut,
0:28:05 > 0:28:07even though the Department of Health
0:28:07 > 0:28:09says that 75% of them will get a pay rise
0:28:09 > 0:28:11and nobody can really work out what the truth is.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14We've tried quite hard, but Jeremy Hunt won't come on our programme.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Will he not?
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Hunt's department leaked their contract offer to the press
0:28:18 > 0:28:20late on Tuesday night.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22And all the papers swallowed it.
0:28:22 > 0:28:23The Guardian went with...
0:28:26 > 0:28:27The Telegraph...
0:28:30 > 0:28:31The Mirror...
0:28:31 > 0:28:33The Times...
0:28:33 > 0:28:35The Independent...
0:28:35 > 0:28:36The Mail...
0:28:37 > 0:28:38So...
0:28:41 > 0:28:45There was a very good letter in the Times about this a few weeks ago.
0:28:45 > 0:28:49- Did anyone see it?- Yes, but I've forgotten what it was by now.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51Dr Anthony Cohn wrote...
0:29:26 > 0:29:29APPLAUSE
0:29:31 > 0:29:33Sticking with science-y stuff,
0:29:33 > 0:29:35the Times featured a survey this week
0:29:35 > 0:29:39that revealed some of the toughest questions posed by children
0:29:39 > 0:29:41that parents are struggling to answer.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44- So, can anyone answer any of these? - OK.
0:29:48 > 0:29:50BUZZER
0:29:50 > 0:29:51Ask your mother.
0:29:55 > 0:29:56BELL RINGS
0:29:56 > 0:29:58Same reason the Earth doesn't fall down.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02This child is obviously very stupid.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05We shouldn't be giving her airtime - him or her.
0:30:05 > 0:30:06And another question is...
0:30:10 > 0:30:11BUZZER
0:30:11 > 0:30:12Yes.
0:30:13 > 0:30:18- By a man who made it. - These are very easy.
0:30:18 > 0:30:19BELL RINGS
0:30:19 > 0:30:20- Or a woman.- Very good.
0:30:21 > 0:30:25If the child had said, "Is a brick wall woman-made?"
0:30:25 > 0:30:27I'd go, "Yes, by a woman."
0:30:27 > 0:30:29Bu that said man-made
0:30:29 > 0:30:31so that's why I said, "By a man."
0:30:31 > 0:30:34I wasn't being sexist.
0:30:34 > 0:30:36I was just answering the child's question.
0:30:36 > 0:30:38What you've done is complicate it.
0:30:38 > 0:30:41Typical of a woman.
0:30:41 > 0:30:42I'm joking, I'm joking.
0:30:42 > 0:30:45I am joking. That is a joke.
0:30:45 > 0:30:48Are there any other questions from this child?
0:30:48 > 0:30:51"Is a brick wall man-made?" Because that is incredibly thick.
0:30:51 > 0:30:53You've really got a downer on these kids, haven't you?
0:30:53 > 0:30:56What sort of kid looks at a brick wall and says, "Is that man-made?"
0:30:56 > 0:30:58No, it was put there by Jesus.
0:30:59 > 0:31:03One of the other questions was...
0:31:05 > 0:31:07"Yes, they do.
0:31:07 > 0:31:09"They're just as stupid as you are.
0:31:12 > 0:31:14"We're taking you back to the orphanage. You're no good!"
0:31:16 > 0:31:18Right, this is the ongoing row
0:31:18 > 0:31:20between Jeremy Hunt and junior doctors.
0:31:20 > 0:31:24Jeremy Hunt is currently in the middle of a major A & E crisis,
0:31:24 > 0:31:28which, as everyone knows, stands for "arse" and "elbow".
0:31:30 > 0:31:33This week, it was also revealed that just 26 MPs
0:31:33 > 0:31:37have given their recent £7,000 pay rise to charity.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40Even worse, half of them gave it to Kids Company.
0:31:40 > 0:31:43LAUGHTER
0:31:43 > 0:31:46Time now for the Odd One Out Round. One between you this week.
0:31:46 > 0:31:48Your four are...
0:31:48 > 0:31:50A Co-op in Whaley Bridge,
0:31:50 > 0:31:52Jekyll and Hyde,
0:31:52 > 0:31:53Danny Dyer's house
0:31:53 > 0:31:54and cats.
0:31:54 > 0:31:56BUZZER
0:31:56 > 0:31:59Jekyll & Hyde, ITV's new show, has been going out before the watershed,
0:31:59 > 0:32:01but there's been some scary bits in it
0:32:01 > 0:32:03and people have been complaining about that,
0:32:03 > 0:32:05so it's about being scared by something.
0:32:05 > 0:32:07Cats... People have been phoning the police
0:32:07 > 0:32:10because they've been scared of cats behaving in different ways.
0:32:10 > 0:32:12Since Egyptian times, cats have been a certain way,
0:32:12 > 0:32:15but now they've got onto the internet, essentially.
0:32:15 > 0:32:16LAUGHTER
0:32:16 > 0:32:18And Danny Dyer...
0:32:18 > 0:32:20- He's scared of ghosts. - He's scared of ghosts.
0:32:20 > 0:32:22- So he has a haunted house, maybe. - Is that true?
0:32:22 > 0:32:24Well, no. Because ghosts aren't real.
0:32:24 > 0:32:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:32:30 > 0:32:35The Co-op is the most haunted convenience store in Britain.
0:32:36 > 0:32:38Jekyll & Hyde is the odd one out,
0:32:38 > 0:32:42because it's scary but is not haunted.
0:32:42 > 0:32:46No, they are all too scary, apart from cats,
0:32:46 > 0:32:49which we probably should be more scared of.
0:32:49 > 0:32:52This is according to a new study carried out this week
0:32:52 > 0:32:54by the University of Edinburgh.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57So why should we be more scared of cats than we actually are?
0:32:57 > 0:32:59They were neurotic?
0:32:59 > 0:33:01Mm. Researches found that your domestic cat
0:33:01 > 0:33:05shares many traits of aggression and neurotic behaviour
0:33:05 > 0:33:09with its larger cousins, such as lions and wild cats.
0:33:09 > 0:33:10So...
0:33:18 > 0:33:22Yeah, because sometimes, the really, really evil cats,
0:33:22 > 0:33:25they'll sit there stroking a small man.
0:33:25 > 0:33:27LAUGHTER
0:33:27 > 0:33:31How did Danny sum up his experience in the new-build haunted house?
0:33:31 > 0:33:34DANNY DYER IMPRESSION: Them willies went right up me.
0:33:36 > 0:33:39Yes, typically eloquent, he said...
0:33:42 > 0:33:44Apparently Danny's wife Joanne
0:33:44 > 0:33:48has also seen and been touched by a ghost.
0:33:51 > 0:33:54Let me guess, did he walk into the bedroom
0:33:54 > 0:33:56and there was a figure under a sheet next to her.
0:33:56 > 0:33:59"What's going on here?"
0:33:59 > 0:34:00And it want, "Ooooh."
0:34:01 > 0:34:04DANNY DYER IMPERSONATION: That's a right ghost, that is.
0:34:05 > 0:34:08The consequence of this for Joanne is that...
0:34:17 > 0:34:19Danny Dyer moved out of his Essex home
0:34:19 > 0:34:22after believing it was haunted by a ghost.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24Most actors believe in life after death, Danny.
0:34:24 > 0:34:26It's called panto.
0:34:28 > 0:34:32Yeah, and 800 people have complained about ITV's Jekyll & Hyde
0:34:32 > 0:34:35because it's too scary to be shown before the watershed.
0:34:35 > 0:34:37The watershed is there for a reason.
0:34:37 > 0:34:40By 9pm, when Mum and Dad are watching grown-up telly,
0:34:40 > 0:34:43kids should be upstairs, jimjams on,
0:34:43 > 0:34:45shooting a prostitute in Grand Theft Auto.
0:34:48 > 0:34:51The Co-op in Whaley Bridge, Derbyshire,
0:34:51 > 0:34:52is apparently so haunted
0:34:52 > 0:34:56it was forced to close 90 minutes early on Halloween...
0:35:00 > 0:35:03Who wants to see some evidence of the ghostly goings-on?
0:35:03 > 0:35:05Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
0:35:05 > 0:35:08- Well, that's convinced me. - Oh, look...
0:35:08 > 0:35:10Oh, look at that. Look!
0:35:10 > 0:35:13Any minute now, another ghost is going to come down the aisle
0:35:13 > 0:35:14and slip on them.
0:35:16 > 0:35:17"Whoa!"
0:35:19 > 0:35:23Also this week a shop owner in Hampshire was forced by police
0:35:23 > 0:35:25to censor a gory Halloween window display.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28- Shall we have a look at the scene? - Oh, yes.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36Was it a family butchers?
0:35:39 > 0:35:42Local Marion Wood said...
0:35:50 > 0:35:52EastEnders hardman Danny Dyer
0:35:52 > 0:35:55recently moved out of his new-build property
0:35:55 > 0:35:57because he believed it was haunted.
0:35:57 > 0:36:00Can anyone tell me why Danny was scared?
0:36:00 > 0:36:01Poltergeist activity?
0:36:01 > 0:36:03Exactly that.
0:36:03 > 0:36:05He said there was...
0:36:08 > 0:36:10"That spook, it was taking a right liberty!"
0:36:12 > 0:36:15And he kept on hearing a...
0:36:15 > 0:36:18from his 19-year-old daughter's bedroom.
0:36:20 > 0:36:24As well as the knocking, Danny also heard someone shouting her name,
0:36:24 > 0:36:27which his daughter has blamed on the ghost.
0:36:27 > 0:36:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:36:31 > 0:36:34Right, time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:36:34 > 0:36:37which this week features as its guest publication Dots & Dashes,
0:36:37 > 0:36:40the official publication of the Morse Code Telegraph Club.
0:36:40 > 0:36:43They've really tapped into something!
0:36:44 > 0:36:46And we start with...
0:36:48 > 0:36:50Men dressed as traffic cones
0:36:50 > 0:36:52get drunk student's head up their arse.
0:36:56 > 0:36:57Disrupt the traffic?
0:36:57 > 0:36:59Yes...
0:37:01 > 0:37:04Here they are...
0:37:05 > 0:37:08It's the Ku Klux Klan!
0:37:08 > 0:37:10You might wonder why on earth a bunch of men
0:37:10 > 0:37:12should want to dress up as traffic cones.
0:37:12 > 0:37:14Well, it's just a small diversion!
0:37:15 > 0:37:17Next...
0:37:21 > 0:37:24Recently the victim of robbery by a woman called Dot, who dashed.
0:37:26 > 0:37:27Outrageous phone hacking?
0:37:35 > 0:37:37This is from Dots & Dashes.
0:37:37 > 0:37:40The cyberattack meant that the Morse Code Club
0:37:40 > 0:37:43have had to revamp their web page, which is now at...
0:37:43 > 0:37:47dash dash dash dash dot dash dot.com.
0:37:47 > 0:37:48LAUGHTER
0:37:48 > 0:37:49Next...
0:37:52 > 0:37:53To check I'm alive?
0:37:55 > 0:37:58No, to see if he's black or not.
0:37:58 > 0:37:59That's it exactly.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08Yes, this was revealed by Sir Tom Jones this week
0:38:08 > 0:38:09in an interview with the Times.
0:38:09 > 0:38:11Meanwhile will.i.am is having a DNA test
0:38:11 > 0:38:13to check if his ancestors were musical.
0:38:16 > 0:38:17Next...
0:38:21 > 0:38:23Fed up of squirrels?
0:38:26 > 0:38:28- Cuts loose?- Has a sex change.
0:38:28 > 0:38:29That's close enough.
0:38:37 > 0:38:39The Fortingall Yew in Perthshire
0:38:39 > 0:38:43is a male tree but it has recently started sprouting berries.
0:38:43 > 0:38:46Something only female yew trees do.
0:38:46 > 0:38:49According to the Guardian, the tree is thought to be...
0:38:50 > 0:38:53Although now it's a female, it's claiming to be 4,000.
0:38:55 > 0:38:56And finally...
0:38:59 > 0:39:00Prospects?
0:39:00 > 0:39:03LAUGHTER
0:39:03 > 0:39:04It's actually...
0:39:09 > 0:39:11Why are they confused by that?
0:39:11 > 0:39:13Well, what's she doing there? Is it her house?
0:39:13 > 0:39:16Why has she got no clothes? What is she doing on the roof?
0:39:16 > 0:39:20Or you've paid a fellow to put a new satellite dish up...
0:39:20 > 0:39:21Ah, naked woman.
0:39:21 > 0:39:24Why?
0:39:24 > 0:39:26You might have paid a woman to put a satellite dish up.
0:39:26 > 0:39:27Oh, God.
0:39:30 > 0:39:31Had to be said.
0:39:31 > 0:39:33That's true but they're too busy
0:39:33 > 0:39:36doing important jobs like lawyers and doctors and they don't piss about
0:39:36 > 0:39:37with stuff like that.
0:39:37 > 0:39:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:39:44 > 0:39:47East London workers were left baffled this week
0:39:47 > 0:39:49after a woman was spotted sitting on a rooftop
0:39:49 > 0:39:51in the nude for four hours.
0:39:51 > 0:39:53Here she is on the roof...
0:39:55 > 0:39:56Densely thatched. Well, well...
0:40:00 > 0:40:02Well, can I just point out she's not wearing a poppy,
0:40:02 > 0:40:03which is pretty disgusting.
0:40:03 > 0:40:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:08 > 0:40:11She perched naked on the roof with her legs astride.
0:40:11 > 0:40:13Obviously, there were a few whistles.
0:40:13 > 0:40:15Well, it was windy up there.
0:40:16 > 0:40:20And so, the final scores are...
0:40:20 > 0:40:22Ian and Cathy have seven points.
0:40:22 > 0:40:25- But this week's winners are Paul and Ross with eight.- No!
0:40:25 > 0:40:26APPLAUSE
0:40:26 > 0:40:30Well done. That was good.
0:40:30 > 0:40:33But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:40:33 > 0:40:36We'll be needing this spirit level in a minute, love.
0:40:39 > 0:40:40Next...
0:40:40 > 0:40:42CATHY: It's a press conference, isn't it?
0:40:42 > 0:40:44Because he's got a press thing in his hat, hasn't he?
0:40:44 > 0:40:46Oh, yeah, Chilcot finally delivers!
0:40:46 > 0:40:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:47 > 0:40:49Very good!
0:40:51 > 0:40:54And I leave you with news that, at the Vatican Synod,
0:40:54 > 0:40:57there are suspicions that four out of five members
0:40:57 > 0:40:58may be smuggling in cakes.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06There's embarrassment as a royal is photographed
0:41:06 > 0:41:09with a '70s children's entertainer
0:41:09 > 0:41:12shortly before his arrest for inappropriate touching.
0:41:16 > 0:41:18And just as he convinces the Labour conference
0:41:18 > 0:41:20that he's a safe pair of hands,
0:41:20 > 0:41:23Jeremy Corbyn drops his falafel wrap.
0:41:26 > 0:41:28Goodnight!