0:00:31 > 0:00:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42I'm Victoria Coren Mitchell.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44In the news this week,
0:00:44 > 0:00:47as accusations of doping continue to plague the athletics world,
0:00:47 > 0:00:51there are fears that some athletes may even have resorted
0:00:51 > 0:00:52to taking animal hormones.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Ready, go!
0:01:01 > 0:01:05In a new documentary about the sad fate of former child stars,
0:01:05 > 0:01:08ITV2 catches up with the sun from the Teletubbies.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17And in Los Angeles, after making a fortune in the advertising world,
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Churchill the dog enjoys his retirement on Venice Beach.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31On Ian's team tonight is a comedian and actor
0:01:31 > 0:01:34who went to the same private school as George Osborne,
0:01:34 > 0:01:36which, by my reckoning, makes him
0:01:36 > 0:01:39the fourth poshest person on the show tonight.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Please welcome Hal Cruttenden.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43APPLAUSE
0:01:45 > 0:01:49And with Paul tonight is the traditional right-wing Tory MP
0:01:49 > 0:01:51who once claimed that guitars should be banned
0:01:51 > 0:01:52from the Roman Catholic Mass.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54He really has got a feel
0:01:54 > 0:01:57for what voters are talking about on the doorstep.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Please welcome Jacob Rees-Mogg MP.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02APPLAUSE
0:02:02 > 0:02:06And we start with what is really the only story in the news this week.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Ian and Hal, take a look at this.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Oh, right, yes, big comic story of the week.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15That's France, that's the police.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18That's their rapid reaction force.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Oh, there's our rapid reaction force.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Yeah, this is Paris and the tragedy there.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27And our attempts afterwards
0:02:27 > 0:02:30to work out what to do about what's happened.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32The answer so far being - we don't know.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36How terrified should you be? Should you leave your house at all, ever?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Again?
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Or perhaps you should go out just a bit and then run inside quickly.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43It is...
0:02:43 > 0:02:45I mean, it does strike me as one of the few things
0:02:45 > 0:02:48we are still allowed to do is make jokes.
0:02:48 > 0:02:49And laugh.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52- So we might have a go at that. - Yes.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55APPLAUSE
0:02:57 > 0:03:01But we have to talk about the aftermath of the events in Paris.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04What has been the British government's immediate response?
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Who have they hired?
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- Who have they hired? - They've hired 2,000 something.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10Spies?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12- HAL: Oh, SAS. - Spies?
0:03:12 > 0:03:15- Should we know that? - 1,900 extras.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17LAUGHTER
0:03:19 > 0:03:22- Do you know what that will cost? - About £2 billion, I think.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25£2 billion for the SAS, another £2 billion for cyber security.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Where's this money suddenly come from?
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Back of the sofa in the Chancellor's office.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34It comes from the magnificent management of the economy
0:03:34 > 0:03:36that the government has done that means we can afford
0:03:36 > 0:03:39the essential requirements of the safety of the nation.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41I knew there'd be some comedy tonight.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Let's talk about the football match.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51What was remarkable about the football match on Tuesday?
0:03:51 > 0:03:55Oh, the English crowd joined with the French supporters in singing
0:03:55 > 0:03:58the French national anthem, which was a chance to show solidarity.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59Which is not always the mark
0:03:59 > 0:04:03- of the supporter of the professional football game.- I love the way...
0:04:03 > 0:04:05It was sort of a little bit,
0:04:05 > 0:04:08the way the England fans sang that French national anthem,
0:04:08 > 0:04:12it reminded me of John Redwood at the Welsh Party Conference.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15That sort of... # Allons enfants de la Patrie... #
0:04:15 > 0:04:16It was wonderful.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20- Are you suggesting everyone didn't know all the words?- Yes.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23- I don't know them. Do you know them? - Well, yeah, obviously.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27Not everyone knows the words to the English national anthem.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29I think the leader of the Labour Party
0:04:29 > 0:04:31wasn't too clear on them a few weeks ago.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- Now, I must...- Oh, God!
0:04:35 > 0:04:38And the Marseillaise is quite bloodthirsty, really.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42It is quite a full-on, defensive number,
0:04:42 > 0:04:44which is why it was quite moving really.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47But I think the French national anthem is perfect for this
0:04:47 > 0:04:49because it is all about we're going to stand up,
0:04:49 > 0:04:51whereas ours is all about just saving the Queen.
0:04:51 > 0:04:56We've already got enough security around her. It should really be...
0:04:56 > 0:04:57Yeah.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Wembley Stadium looked magnificent. The Tricolour was up there.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04The Tricolour has been put on various things.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06There are questions about taste.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Facebook brought in a Tricolour colour filter
0:05:08 > 0:05:10that everyone could have on their Facebook page.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13And Apple did that. And then there's...
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Oh, look, there's the bit where the tax should be.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:20 > 0:05:24Then there's Uber, the curious cab company. They did that.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28There seems to be a bit of a pile-up north of the river.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33One of the most touching corporate tributes, this website...
0:05:33 > 0:05:36GASPS AND LAUGHTER
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Oh, that's proper solidarity.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47Is that really true? I'm going to look that up when I get home.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51That's the most pathetic excuse I've ever heard.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55I mean, what do you think? Is that a good thing that they put that there?
0:05:55 > 0:05:59- Is it grief? Is it marketing? - I think it's probably marketing.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01But it's all right if everyone joins in, really,
0:06:01 > 0:06:04and mildly nauseating, but...
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- I think that's a bit cynical, actually.- Do you think so?
0:06:07 > 0:06:12I think that even senior corporate figures can be moved by great events.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Usually I think it is marketing,
0:06:14 > 0:06:17but I think on this occasion it was very genuine across the country.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20You are extraordinarily generous, aren't you?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23No, I think simply realistic about this, actually.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25I think you're being a bit harsh for once.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32What are the more recent developments in Paris?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34What's been happening?
0:06:34 > 0:06:38There's been more raids and they've killed the mastermind.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Why do they call him a mastermind?
0:06:40 > 0:06:42That's the whole problem with this - we sort of, I think,
0:06:42 > 0:06:45jazz up these people as, oh, they are evil masterminds,
0:06:45 > 0:06:49and actually they're quite sad cases, most of them.
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Well, all of them.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53I'm not going to say there's one I liked once.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55No, but...
0:06:55 > 0:07:00I wasn't going to say you're being a bit harsh on these masterminds.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03- I don't know his name.- I think that's quite a good thing, really.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05The one thing he wants is for everyone to know his name
0:07:05 > 0:07:09- and if we just don't mention it that seems to be a small reward.- Yes.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13How did Kay Burley of Sky News capture the national mood?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Ah, yes, this was a picture of a Labrador, I think,
0:07:16 > 0:07:19a Labrador which she said had sadness in his eyes.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Yes, that's what Kay Burley tweeted.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24And people on Twitter were quick to respond with their own tweets.
0:07:24 > 0:07:25Here's one.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35- There's another here. - I'm sure I've met him.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Now, that is sad.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44What did Donald Trump have to say about the events?
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Oh, gosh, now, this was really well informed.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Erm...
0:07:48 > 0:07:49America, he said...
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Well, he's just split an infinity which is quite embarrassing.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03APPLAUSE
0:08:04 > 0:08:07- Some people are beyond redemption, aren't they?- They are.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Did anybody else say anything particularly intemperate?
0:08:10 > 0:08:14Nigel Farage said something stupid, didn't he?
0:08:14 > 0:08:18- Surely not.- Yes. He did.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Was he saying stop all the refugees coming or something? That was his...
0:08:21 > 0:08:25Rupert Murdoch had something to say about refugees. He's tweeted...
0:08:31 > 0:08:34One of the Republican presidential candidates has said the same.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Is it really embarrassing being right-wing sometimes?
0:08:40 > 0:08:43APPLAUSE
0:08:44 > 0:08:47All I can say to that is Jeremy Corbyn.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52APPLAUSE
0:08:52 > 0:08:56You mentioned Jeremy Corbyn. How's he been coping with these events?
0:08:56 > 0:09:00Well, he is a principled pacifist and he has expressed those views
0:09:00 > 0:09:03and said that the police shouldn't necessarily shoot to kill terrorists,
0:09:03 > 0:09:06and he seems to have very little support from his own MPs
0:09:06 > 0:09:10in saying this, who have rather revelled in taking a stronger line.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14I don't agree with him on this, but I rather admire his courage in saying
0:09:14 > 0:09:18something that is so deeply unpopular but which he profoundly believes.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20That's a very generous thing to say.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23I think that's a very generous thing to say.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25APPLAUSE
0:09:25 > 0:09:27And because I'm so unpleasant,
0:09:27 > 0:09:30- I'll just point out he retracted it less than a day later...- Yes.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33..which is strongly principled in the sense of not being.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37There is probably someone going, "For God's sake, just say yes.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38"Just say you'll press the button,
0:09:38 > 0:09:41"do your top button up and just do it.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45"Just lie, Jeremy, till we're in power.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49"That's what the Tories do, just lie till we're in power, and that's..."
0:09:49 > 0:09:50APPLAUSE
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Anyway, if Labour win the next election,
0:09:52 > 0:09:55he'll be 70 and if he doesn't want to press the nuclear button,
0:09:55 > 0:09:57it'll be easy to overpower him.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01There was an allegedly stormy meeting
0:10:01 > 0:10:02of the Parliamentary Labour Party.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04You say his MPs don't seem to support him,
0:10:04 > 0:10:06many of them attacked him.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09What was Diane Abbott doing at this meeting?
0:10:10 > 0:10:13I think that's private, isn't it?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- Tweeting?- No.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- Sexting? - She was doing...
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Is that the same thing?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23- In a way...- In a way.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24..according to the Mirror...
0:10:32 > 0:10:35The G20 summit was held in Turkey this week.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38What were the US and the major European nations
0:10:38 > 0:10:40trying to achieve at that summit?
0:10:40 > 0:10:43They were trying to get Putin to stop attacking the Free Syrian Army,
0:10:43 > 0:10:46concentrate on fighting ISIS, so we all have a big coalition.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47He was sitting there in the corner
0:10:47 > 0:10:49like the one that nobody wants to talk to.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52They all go over and have their own little individual meetings with him.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Well, shall we have a look at a meeting with Obama and Putin?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57There they are in the corner.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59And to really know what they were talking about,
0:10:59 > 0:11:01there is one fellow we could ask.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- Did you see the chap listening to that conversation?- No.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Let's have a look.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08So here's a bigger picture and you can see there in the corner,
0:11:08 > 0:11:11you see Obama and Putin, and just watch this fellow just subtly
0:11:11 > 0:11:13coming in for a bit of a listen.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Yes, this is the aftermath of the terrorist attacks in Paris.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29The Times reported that in an attempt to capture one suspect
0:11:29 > 0:11:33still on the run, France warned people to look out for a Citroen.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37Also a mime artist, a poodle and a man on a bike selling onions.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41David Cameron attended the game at Wembley to demonstrate
0:11:41 > 0:11:43the unity between England and France.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45The perfect football match for him as for once it didn't matter
0:11:45 > 0:11:48if he forgot which team he was meant to support.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50One man leading the hunt for the terrorists
0:11:50 > 0:11:53is Belgium's interior security minister...
0:11:55 > 0:11:58..showing defiance to Islamic State, even with his surname.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00APPLAUSE
0:12:02 > 0:12:05- Paul and Jacob, take a look at this.- OK.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06Yes, that's Parliament.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09- Now, what is this? It looks like parchment.- Act of Parliament...
0:12:09 > 0:12:11GOAT SCREAMS
0:12:15 > 0:12:19I don't think that's from one of my speeches.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22The Acts of Parliament have been put on vellum forever
0:12:22 > 0:12:25and to save £80,000, the kid at the end of it,
0:12:25 > 0:12:29because I think vellum comes from kids, are going to be saved
0:12:29 > 0:12:30and there will be no more vellum
0:12:30 > 0:12:34and our laws will now be written on ordinary paper.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36So that was just relief from that kid?
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Do you know, I don't actually talk to animals, so I don't know...
0:12:43 > 0:12:45I'm not Dr Dolittle.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48APPLAUSE
0:12:48 > 0:12:52Vellum is very permanent and laws are very seriously important things
0:12:52 > 0:12:55and we ought to have respect for the law and, physically,
0:12:55 > 0:12:56it ought to be impressive
0:12:56 > 0:13:00and therefore to spend a little extra to reinforce that symbolism is,
0:13:00 > 0:13:03I think, worth doing if we're to maintain respect for the law.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Is the law definitely more impressive
0:13:05 > 0:13:06if it's written on a goat?
0:13:09 > 0:13:10It physically lasts longer.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14Who was particularly horrified by the removal of vellum?
0:13:14 > 0:13:18- Which MP particularly hates this? - What, other than me?
0:13:18 > 0:13:20- Other than you.- I can't remember.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23It's the love rat and expenses cheat Tory MP James Gray.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27James Gray is a splendid fellow. I think that's very unfair...
0:13:27 > 0:13:30- Very unfair description of him. - Just because he loves rats.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32There's nothing wrong with that, is there?
0:13:32 > 0:13:34- Absolutely splendid. - It's not inappropriate loving.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36James Gray said...
0:13:39 > 0:13:42The odd thing is that Gray is on the committee that made
0:13:42 > 0:13:46the decision to stop using vellum. So what went wrong?
0:13:46 > 0:13:50They made the decision when he wasn't at the meeting.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- Sounds like a plot to me. - Loving his rats too much.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Which other money-making schemes were criticised this week?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00It was the tax credit cuts again.
0:14:00 > 0:14:05Conservative MP Stephen McPartland said, "A majority of Tory MPs
0:14:05 > 0:14:07"want George Osborne to drop his tax credit cuts."
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Are you among them, Jacob?
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Well, the Chancellor said he's going to come forward
0:14:11 > 0:14:14with plans at the Autumn Statement so I wait and see.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16I missed the answer.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19APPLAUSE
0:14:19 > 0:14:20I don't know...
0:14:22 > 0:14:26We're still running a huge budget deficit, cuts need to be made
0:14:26 > 0:14:29and major cuts into the billions of pounds...
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Is this part of the economic success you were talking about?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34The economic success...
0:14:34 > 0:14:37APPLAUSE
0:14:37 > 0:14:38Absolutely.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41The job is not completed, there's still money that needs to be saved.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44- Yeah. You could raise tax, couldn't you?- We have.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Well, you could raise it a bit more.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Interestingly, probably not.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51The rate of tax, as a percentage of GDP that is raised currently,
0:14:51 > 0:14:54is within the bounds of the highest level we've ever raised.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Yeah, but Vodafone and Google, they could pay tax, couldn't they?
0:14:58 > 0:15:01APPLAUSE
0:15:01 > 0:15:04- Absolutely and... - So you'll be going after those?
0:15:04 > 0:15:08- The Chancellor's done this, he's done exactly this.- Has he?
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- Do they know that? - He'll introduce plans to...
0:15:11 > 0:15:14- They'll find out. - They'll find out, will they?
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- They'll be getting a letter through, will they?- Well, the Chancellor...
0:15:17 > 0:15:20"Dear Facebook, we've just noticed you've been taking the piss.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21"Here's the amount."
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Tax laws are being reformed to ensure that foreign companies
0:15:24 > 0:15:27make a bigger contribution, that's a perfectly reasonable thing to do.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31Who wrote to his local county council to complain about cuts?
0:15:31 > 0:15:34- David Cameron! - It was David Cameron.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37He couldn't understand why these cuts were being made.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40The thing about not being connected with the real world -
0:15:40 > 0:15:43do you even understand what I'm talking about, Jacob?
0:15:45 > 0:15:46He did do that.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49David Cameron wrote to Oxfordshire County Council to say
0:15:49 > 0:15:51he was worried about...
0:15:58 > 0:16:02He's doing something perfectly reasonable, let me defend...
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- Let me defend the Prime Minister. - Good luck.- Yeah, perhaps.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08But what he was doing was saying to the council that they should
0:16:08 > 0:16:09make different choices.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12The idea that there isn't waste in local councils that can be
0:16:12 > 0:16:16reallocated to the really important services is one that I think
0:16:16 > 0:16:19is false and he was encouraging them to do that reallocation.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21They did send back quite a long letter
0:16:21 > 0:16:23saying why they couldn't do that
0:16:23 > 0:16:25saying no, we've cut everything else,
0:16:25 > 0:16:26now we've got to cut this.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28And the reason we've got to make these cuts is because
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Central Office has off-loaded most of the cuts onto local government.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33I'm just paraphrasing.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36I think it shows he's got a real division
0:16:36 > 0:16:39between his being-at-work and being-at-home
0:16:39 > 0:16:43cos isn't he writing in the capacity of being a resident of Oxfordshire?
0:16:43 > 0:16:46So, he's at home, he's walked through the door and he's no longer
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Prime Minister, he's now a normal citizen getting angry.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53He probably watches himself on telly going, "LIAR!"
0:16:53 > 0:16:54He could be the...
0:16:54 > 0:16:56APPLAUSE
0:16:56 > 0:16:58You know, he's...
0:16:58 > 0:17:02I think it's nice, he becomes at-home David, doesn't he?
0:17:02 > 0:17:06£72 million, he called that a slight fall.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10I know that's a night out with the Bullingdon Club, but...
0:17:10 > 0:17:13- It is extraordinary.- Even you don't believe that.- No, but...
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- Were you in it or something? - No, no.- But I...
0:17:18 > 0:17:21They bullied you, didn't they?
0:17:22 > 0:17:24A boy from St Paul's, for God's sake,
0:17:24 > 0:17:26who went to school with the Chancellor.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28You can't pull the posh card here.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32But I failed and didn't make it to Oxbridge.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35- Oh, I thought it was about that. - I was saying that...
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Yeah, Paul and I are the only people who didn't go to Oxford
0:17:37 > 0:17:39on this panel.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42I went to Oxford. It was just for the day, but...
0:17:43 > 0:17:45It was nice to have a look around, you know?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47APPLAUSE
0:17:47 > 0:17:51Let's talk about the Lincoln MP Karl McCartney.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Karl McCartney, I never thought I'd hear that name again.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59Five years ago in Cairo, me and him had this secret affair.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01We kissed each other on the balcony...
0:18:01 > 0:18:04But, no, I'd better not say any of this, I've no idea who he is.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08He may cost us £15,000. Do you know why?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Because I have just libelled him.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16I didn't kiss him on the balcony.
0:18:18 > 0:18:2115,000? That's not going to cover the lawyer reading the letter!
0:18:21 > 0:18:24I bow to your superior experience.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28APPLAUSE
0:18:28 > 0:18:31No, it's to do with the way his name is written.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33He wants the parliamentary records changed
0:18:33 > 0:18:37because they print his name with a small C, like this, and he thinks
0:18:37 > 0:18:42it should be written with a sort of floaty C, like this.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44So far, it has cost several hundred pounds to change
0:18:44 > 0:18:47the parliamentary records but changing it
0:18:47 > 0:18:50on Hansard and the House of Commons website could cost £10,000-£15,000.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52That's because it's written on vellum
0:18:52 > 0:18:54and you can't easily rub it out.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56But that's absolutely ridiculous.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Not on his wanting his name spelt properly, most people do,
0:18:59 > 0:19:02but that it should cost that sort of money to make a tiny little
0:19:02 > 0:19:05change on a computer system where even I -
0:19:05 > 0:19:08I don't hold myself up as a great expert in this field -
0:19:08 > 0:19:12know that you can change fonts on machines quite easily.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Most of us want our names spelt correctly, don't we?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17- It's a reasonable ambition in life. - May I just say...
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Achievable for most of us.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23..I find you extremely attractive.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- My wife is in the audience. - Is your wife...? I'm so sorry.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Would you like the rest of us to discreetly make an exit?
0:19:38 > 0:19:40I don't need anybody to do anything about it,
0:19:40 > 0:19:42I just thought I would mention it along the way.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Let's talk about Sir John Chilcot.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Yeah, why not? That will kill the mood.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52Are you going to tell me you find him very attractive?
0:19:52 > 0:19:53You like a man who takes his time.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58APPLAUSE
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Last week, Sir John was pictured enjoying himself at a bus stop.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Well, The Sun has been following him and taking photos.
0:20:05 > 0:20:10They found him at his country home in Devon at 4pm on a Friday.
0:20:10 > 0:20:15How long does it take to make the 200-mile trip from Westminster
0:20:15 > 0:20:16- to Devon?- Five hours.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Quite a long time because the roads aren't very good.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21He would have needed to leave at midday.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24And he could have spent all that time just writing out...
0:20:24 > 0:20:27"Blair is guilty."
0:20:27 > 0:20:29APPLAUSE
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Jeremy Corbyn, though, a picture of him
0:20:35 > 0:20:38emerged in Australia on a teenager's back.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Yes, he's been tattooed onto the back of Corbyn fan...
0:20:41 > 0:20:43That's a relief. He's a tattoo!
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Let's...
0:20:50 > 0:20:53- Let's have a look at the tattoo. - Let's have a look at the tattoo!
0:20:53 > 0:20:54That's nice!
0:20:54 > 0:20:56A young chap called Kierran Horsfield who has had
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Corbyn's face tattooed onto his shoulder.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01That's not Corbyn, that's Colonel Sanders.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06What job did Jeremy Corbyn give recently to Ken Livingstone?
0:21:06 > 0:21:10He has put him on the committee to decide about renewing Trident or not.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Isn't the review that they're sort of heading it up equally,
0:21:13 > 0:21:15so you've got a pro-Trident, anti-Trident?
0:21:15 > 0:21:19Yes, because the person who's got the job as Defence Secretary
0:21:19 > 0:21:21- has got the wrong view.- No, but...
0:21:21 > 0:21:24He's just putting somebody in with both views,
0:21:24 > 0:21:25so I sort of don't think it's...
0:21:25 > 0:21:28You don't normally appoint in every ministry someone who's
0:21:28 > 0:21:30pro-farming, someone who's anti.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Someone who's pro-energy, somebody who's not.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34- But this is the new politics.- What?
0:21:34 > 0:21:37The new politics of Labour, it's about confusion.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40It's about people debating either side.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43That's why I thought it was quite nice to have Ken Livingstone there,
0:21:43 > 0:21:46to be anti... I'm not... I'm not taking a position on this
0:21:46 > 0:21:48but I think it's quite nice to have a...
0:21:48 > 0:21:50- Well, you're fitting in beautifully. - I know!
0:21:50 > 0:21:53How did Maria Eagle, the Shadow Defence Secretary,
0:21:53 > 0:21:56- how did she find out about it? - I believe somebody tweeted it.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00She found out on Twitter. A source that claimed Maria Eagle...
0:22:05 > 0:22:07There's a lot of people in the Labour Party said that
0:22:07 > 0:22:10there's a bit of a problem with women on the old hard left.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12They don't appoint any and then they don't like it
0:22:12 > 0:22:14when they get positions of power,
0:22:14 > 0:22:17so Ken was brought in to make sure she says the right thing.
0:22:17 > 0:22:21And she's very cross and so's her deputy, who had a go at Ken
0:22:21 > 0:22:25- and Ken had a bit of a go at him. - Yes.- I'm paraphrasing.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Shadow Defence Minister Kevin Jones questioned the appointment
0:22:28 > 0:22:30and what happened?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Well, Ken said he's depressed, he needs psychiatric help,
0:22:33 > 0:22:35he should go and see his MP.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37- Yeah.- His GP! Good grief.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42But Kevin Jones has been open about having suffered from depression,
0:22:42 > 0:22:45that's why it was a particularly terrible and stupid thing to say.
0:22:45 > 0:22:50And then Corbyn told him to apologise, so he tweeted an apology.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53He took back the apology, really.
0:22:53 > 0:22:54Well, he said, "He started it."
0:22:54 > 0:22:57- Shall we have a look at him on Newsnight?- Yeah, go on.
0:22:57 > 0:22:58Are you apologising to Kevin Jones?
0:22:58 > 0:23:03If anyone's upset I'm sorry about that, but I didn't start this row.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07- Let me ask you a final, very simple question.- Yep.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Who, in a rare succinct moment,
0:23:09 > 0:23:12neatly summed up how we all feel on a Monday morning?
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Bob Geldof.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19- No.- No? How can that be no?
0:23:19 > 0:23:20It was James Naughtie.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22- Would you like to hear it? - Yes, go on, then.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24INTERMITTENT BEEPING
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Doesn't sound like him.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29LONGER BEEP Shit.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35This is the news that Parliament is about to be dragged kicking
0:23:35 > 0:23:37and screaming into the 19th century by abandoning
0:23:37 > 0:23:40vellum in favour of this new stuff called paper.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43James Gray, of the Commons Administration Committee,
0:23:43 > 0:23:44was not happy to be losing vellum.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50He said, in a statement hand-illustrated
0:23:50 > 0:23:52by the monks of Lindisfarne.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Also this week, a teenager from York has had
0:23:56 > 0:23:58a tattoo of Jeremy Corbyn done on his back.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01The most famous person to have Jeremy Corbyn's face
0:24:01 > 0:24:03on their body is of course Diane Abbot.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05AUDIENCE GROAN
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Too much.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Meanwhile, Tory MP Karl McCartney
0:24:12 > 0:24:14has asked for his name to be typed differently on
0:24:14 > 0:24:18parliamentary records in a move that could cost the taxpayer £15,000.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22He is said to be unhappy that his name is spelt with a lower-case C.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26Don't worry, Mr McCartney, I'm sure we will all use a big C from now on.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31And so to Round Two, The One Armed Bandit Of News.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the first one.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45The Syrians have arrived in Glasgow and they were learning English
0:24:45 > 0:24:47and they found it's pointless.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53- It's not that.- Oh.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55It's to do with accents.
0:24:55 > 0:24:56It's research that shows that
0:24:56 > 0:24:59accents across the British Isles are eroding to the point where
0:24:59 > 0:25:01some are almost unrecognisable
0:25:01 > 0:25:05- except for the Glaswegian accent, which is flourishing.- Oh.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Shall we play a quick round of
0:25:07 > 0:25:10I Cannae Understand What They're Talking About?
0:25:11 > 0:25:14- I thought so.- Yeah, if we want to split the union, let's do it.- OK.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Jacob, I'm going to ask you to read some Glaswegian slang
0:25:17 > 0:25:19and we're all going to guess what that means.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24That's the first one.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27- It's nothing obscene, I promise. - This one is...
0:25:29 > 0:25:30What does that mean?
0:25:30 > 0:25:33It's just go on, isn't it? Gaun yersel.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37Yes, it's just an encouraging thing to keep going. OK, next one.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41- Am I doing all of these?- Yes. - There are some other people here.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44- Yes, but you've got the nicest voice.- OK.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46I don't think anyone would say this.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48This is, erm, ungallant. Erm...
0:25:52 > 0:25:54I love the idea of Scottish people going,
0:25:54 > 0:25:57"That's too ungallant. I'm not going to say that."
0:25:57 > 0:26:01I can't think that any Glaswegian would say this, but it would be...
0:26:05 > 0:26:09I have a feeling that doesn't mean she looks like Helen of Troy.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11That's right, it means the opposite of that.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Has your accent held you back, do you think?
0:26:14 > 0:26:17No, I don't think it makes much difference one way or the other.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19- What did you say about John Prescott?- I did.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22- I regret that, actually. - You said...- I know.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24My shame.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28As a buffoon. Oh, as an oaf. Yes, I...
0:26:31 > 0:26:34If my Lord Prescott is watching, may I apologise?
0:26:34 > 0:26:38Not in case I've upset him, much that I have, but because I think it
0:26:38 > 0:26:41was a rude thing to have said and I regret having said that.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43I think it's quite brave of you as well,
0:26:43 > 0:26:46cos he'd really take you in a fight, wouldn't he?
0:26:47 > 0:26:51This is the news that unlike nearly all other accents,
0:26:51 > 0:26:54the Glaswegian accent has remained the same for over 100 years.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55Apparently the rest of us
0:26:55 > 0:26:58are all starting to sound the same because...
0:26:58 > 0:27:01That's rubbish, and anyone who disagrees with me is a slag.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04They're going to get a slap.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the next one.
0:27:12 > 0:27:13- BELL - Blimey.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Ian and Hal.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19I think this is a man who went on holiday and filmed his whole holiday
0:27:19 > 0:27:22with the camera round the wrong way, filming him.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26So that was his whole holiday, was just a picture of his face going,
0:27:26 > 0:27:28"Oh, that's good."
0:27:35 > 0:27:36That is absolutely right.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Yes, he borrowed his son's mini video camera
0:27:38 > 0:27:42- to document the trip of a lifetime...- Oh, no.
0:27:42 > 0:27:43..to Las Vegas.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46He had the camera pointing the wrong way for the entire trip.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49- Shall we have a look at his highlights?- Yes.- Yes.
0:27:49 > 0:27:50Look at that.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56That's the view looking down, see?
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Whoo!
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Where are we going for breakfast?
0:28:14 > 0:28:17He did, ironically, attempt to take a selfie on this trip.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Shall we have a look? That's his selfie.
0:28:27 > 0:28:28In other photography news,
0:28:28 > 0:28:33why did a man in Canterbury get into trouble in court this week?
0:28:33 > 0:28:34Oh, I think I know.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36He took a photograph of himself
0:28:36 > 0:28:40because his wife or girlfriend didn't believe he was in court.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43That's exactly right. It was a witness, Amric Khera...
0:28:48 > 0:28:50Unfortunately, he was spotted by officials
0:28:50 > 0:28:52and charged with contempt and...
0:28:55 > 0:28:58At least his wife knew where he was that week.
0:28:58 > 0:29:01This is the dad who borrowed his son's mini video camera and
0:29:01 > 0:29:04held it the wrong way round while filming his holiday in Las Vegas.
0:29:04 > 0:29:05In the end, Joseph Griffin was
0:29:05 > 0:29:08so fed up with people making fun of him he put a gun to his head
0:29:08 > 0:29:11and shot a lamppost on the other side of the street.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here is the next one.
0:29:20 > 0:29:22- BUZZER - Paul and Jacob.
0:29:22 > 0:29:24Well, I think this is to do with athletics
0:29:24 > 0:29:26and that they are all taking drugs.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29- Not everybody is taking drugs. - Well, the English don't.- No.
0:29:29 > 0:29:31And nor do the...
0:29:31 > 0:29:35- Nor do the Scots, the Welsh or the Northern Irish.- That's right.
0:29:35 > 0:29:37But everyone else seems to.
0:29:38 > 0:29:41And there has been a great row about this.
0:29:41 > 0:29:43- One country in particular. - Russia.- Yeah.
0:29:43 > 0:29:45Russia has been suspended from competing
0:29:45 > 0:29:47in international athletics. Why?
0:29:47 > 0:29:50Because they are all taking drugs and have done...
0:29:50 > 0:29:53And have done for years and they have fiddled the testing regime.
0:29:53 > 0:29:56The key with this one, I think, is that they have said that
0:29:56 > 0:29:59Russia was complicit in the doping of individual athletes.
0:29:59 > 0:30:02Do you know what I like? It's the World Anti-Doping Agency, or Wada.
0:30:02 > 0:30:06It's just that image of the Russians going, "Oh, yeah, Wada, Wada, Wada."
0:30:06 > 0:30:09The Russian sports minister, Vitaly Mutko.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11What's he been accused of doing?
0:30:11 > 0:30:13Selling cheese illegally.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16Sort of the opposite.
0:30:16 > 0:30:18Buying cheese...
0:30:18 > 0:30:19legally.
0:30:20 > 0:30:22I don't know if it's cheese
0:30:22 > 0:30:26but he has been consuming too many breakfasts on the taxpayer's money.
0:30:26 > 0:30:28- Bastard!- The report said...
0:30:38 > 0:30:41That's a lot of vodka on your cornflakes, isn't it?
0:30:41 > 0:30:44President of the International Association
0:30:44 > 0:30:46of Athletics Federations, Sebastian Coe,
0:30:46 > 0:30:49is he the right person to be leading the clean-up?
0:30:49 > 0:30:50A lot of people think not.
0:30:50 > 0:30:53Some of his other interests have been called into question.
0:30:53 > 0:30:54What are they?
0:30:54 > 0:30:56He works for Nike.
0:30:56 > 0:30:58Well, it's various things.
0:30:58 > 0:31:01Sebastian Coe is the executive chairman of sports marketing firm
0:31:01 > 0:31:02CSM, which represents...
0:31:06 > 0:31:08He is also a special adviser at Nike.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10He has his own parking space there
0:31:10 > 0:31:14and he is paid £90,000 to advise the firm.
0:31:14 > 0:31:18Coincidentally, Nike sponsors the Russian track and field athletes.
0:31:18 > 0:31:22Oh, it's all quite compromising, isn't it?
0:31:22 > 0:31:27- I just... It's a point of view. It's not a fact.- No.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29But the lawyers are there again, 15 grand...
0:31:31 > 0:31:34Lord Coe was also once chairman of Fifa's ethics committee.
0:31:34 > 0:31:38- Oh, well, there we are. - I didn't know they had one!
0:31:38 > 0:31:40I do want to talk about a football match.
0:31:40 > 0:31:43How did one footballer protest at a linesman this week?
0:31:43 > 0:31:46- It's an unusual method of protest. - Did he...?
0:31:46 > 0:31:49He was sent off and he went home to the linesman's house,
0:31:49 > 0:31:53disguised himself as the linesman's wife...
0:31:53 > 0:31:54had a very fruity Saturday night
0:31:54 > 0:31:57and then in the morning revealed who he was.
0:31:57 > 0:32:01You are on... You're not as far as you might think.
0:32:01 > 0:32:05This was a derby match between two Spanish lower league sides in which
0:32:05 > 0:32:08a disgruntled player was watching from the stands...
0:32:20 > 0:32:21Wow!
0:32:23 > 0:32:25- This is...- Is there no footage?
0:32:28 > 0:32:30APPLAUSE
0:32:30 > 0:32:33This is the news from the world of athletics that Russia has been
0:32:33 > 0:32:36taking the piss and systematically destroying it.
0:32:40 > 0:32:43The Times listed all the finishers in the women's 1,500 metres
0:32:43 > 0:32:46final at the London Olympics, which featured four drug cheats,
0:32:46 > 0:32:49including Yekaterina Kostetskaya, who came ninth.
0:32:49 > 0:32:52The Russians have launched an urgent inquiry into how someone
0:32:52 > 0:32:54who took that many drugs could be that shit.
0:32:56 > 0:32:59Time now for the Odd One Out Round. Just one between you this week.
0:32:59 > 0:33:00Your four are...
0:33:00 > 0:33:03a Google car, the blink of an eye,
0:33:03 > 0:33:06a Japanese runner and Bertie the Tortoise.
0:33:06 > 0:33:07BUZZER
0:33:07 > 0:33:11It must be about speed, mustn't it? We have got a tortoise there.
0:33:11 > 0:33:13The Google car...
0:33:13 > 0:33:17- A car was stopped for going too slowly by California police.- OK.
0:33:17 > 0:33:21The Japanese runner, he seems to be quite an old looking man
0:33:21 > 0:33:24so I would imagine he doesn't move that quickly these days.
0:33:24 > 0:33:26He's probably a marathon runner,
0:33:26 > 0:33:28does it between February and October.
0:33:28 > 0:33:31The tortoise is the odd one out because that is the obvious
0:33:31 > 0:33:33one to go slowly so it must be the odd one out.
0:33:33 > 0:33:35The tortoise is the odd one out
0:33:35 > 0:33:38because they are all too slow, apart from the tortoise which
0:33:38 > 0:33:41recently broke the tortoise world speed record.
0:33:41 > 0:33:43Was it falling off a mountain?
0:33:45 > 0:33:48- We need to have a look at him. - Yes.- Yes, let's have a look at him.
0:33:49 > 0:33:51- He is on something.- Yes.
0:33:52 > 0:33:54Looks like tarmac.
0:33:56 > 0:33:57Thank God the tyres are there.
0:33:57 > 0:34:01Yes, exactly, he might hit them at high speed and burst into flames!
0:34:03 > 0:34:07Scientists have discovered that "a blink of an eye" is slower
0:34:07 > 0:34:12than "a drop of a hat". They have been studying speed cliches.
0:34:13 > 0:34:17Yes, they measured the drop of a hat at 5.7 metres per second and
0:34:17 > 0:34:22the blink of an eye was slower than that. 6.94 metres per second was...
0:34:26 > 0:34:28What about a rat up a drain?
0:34:28 > 0:34:31That was one of the slowest, which came in at 0.9 metres per second.
0:34:31 > 0:34:34- Very slow. - What about shit off a shovel?
0:34:38 > 0:34:41APPLAUSE
0:34:41 > 0:34:44- What about the Japanese gentleman? - What about the Japanese gentleman?
0:34:44 > 0:34:48- He's 105.- Oh, I didn't realise. - 105-year-old Hidekichi Miyazaki
0:34:48 > 0:34:51became the world's oldest competitive sprinter
0:34:51 > 0:34:54when he completed the 100 metres in 42.22 seconds.
0:34:54 > 0:34:57- Shall we have a look at him in action?- He's doing well.
0:35:00 > 0:35:02AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:35:06 > 0:35:09- I think he is doing very well.- Yeah.
0:35:09 > 0:35:11APPLAUSE
0:35:15 > 0:35:19He will be dating Jerry Hall in no time.
0:35:19 > 0:35:21Why was Mr Miyazaki
0:35:21 > 0:35:25- disappointed after the race? - He failed to beat his own record.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28Yes, he had hoped to go faster. He said...
0:35:34 > 0:35:37- What does he put his slow time down to?- The fact he is 105.
0:35:39 > 0:35:41He was the only non-Russian in the race.
0:35:43 > 0:35:46Mr Miyazaki told reporters he...
0:35:50 > 0:35:53Yes, 105-year-old Hidekichi Miyazaki
0:35:53 > 0:35:57was disappointed with his 100 metres time of 42.22 seconds.
0:35:57 > 0:36:00At the end of the race, Mr Miyazaki gave a urine sample.
0:36:00 > 0:36:03No-one asked him to but it had been 42 seconds since his last one.
0:36:03 > 0:36:05Time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:36:05 > 0:36:07which this week features as its guest publication
0:36:07 > 0:36:11Chess Moves, the newsletter of the English Chess Federation.
0:36:11 > 0:36:13The editor always keeps his door firmly shut
0:36:13 > 0:36:15because he hates draughts.
0:36:15 > 0:36:17AUDIENCE GROANS
0:36:17 > 0:36:19It could be true.
0:36:20 > 0:36:22And we start with...
0:36:24 > 0:36:25To run Fifa.
0:36:27 > 0:36:29Snap election.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31AUDIENCE GROANS
0:36:31 > 0:36:33If you're going to start groaning, you need to come out
0:36:33 > 0:36:35and do your own jokes.
0:36:35 > 0:36:38APPLAUSE
0:36:38 > 0:36:40The answer is...
0:36:44 > 0:36:47Indonesia's anti-drugs agency is planning to build a
0:36:47 > 0:36:50prison on an island guarded by crocodiles to hold death row
0:36:50 > 0:36:53convicts because the animals cannot be bribed.
0:36:53 > 0:36:55Some people are on death row due to false allegations,
0:36:55 > 0:36:58for which you have to blame the "alligator".
0:37:00 > 0:37:02Next...
0:37:04 > 0:37:05Well, I know this.
0:37:05 > 0:37:09The Queen visited customs and excise and a dog sat down by her handbag.
0:37:09 > 0:37:11If the dog had stayed there, it would
0:37:11 > 0:37:14have indicated that the Queen was carrying around lots
0:37:14 > 0:37:15of drug-laundered money,
0:37:15 > 0:37:18but I think the dog was very excited to meet Her Majesty.
0:37:18 > 0:37:20Oh, of course.
0:37:22 > 0:37:23The full headline is...
0:37:26 > 0:37:28A six-year-old springer spaniel called Ruby, who works
0:37:28 > 0:37:31for the border force at Heathrow, stopped the Queen this week.
0:37:31 > 0:37:33The sniffer dog was looking for counterfeit cash,
0:37:33 > 0:37:35something the Queen's only seen once
0:37:35 > 0:37:38when she stumbled across a drawer full of banknotes at Highgrove
0:37:38 > 0:37:40on which Price Charles's face had been
0:37:40 > 0:37:43painted in watercolours over hers.
0:37:43 > 0:37:44Next...
0:37:47 > 0:37:50Refuse to acknowledge the existence of buying a round.
0:37:51 > 0:37:53- You're on the right theme.- Am I?
0:37:53 > 0:37:55Yorkshiremen refuse to...
0:37:57 > 0:38:00- Oh, yeah.- There they are.
0:38:00 > 0:38:03Yes, this was the effect of Storm Barney, which also played
0:38:03 > 0:38:06havoc with a football match between Romford and Thurrock FC.
0:38:06 > 0:38:07Let's have a look.
0:38:18 > 0:38:21APPLAUSE
0:38:21 > 0:38:22Next....
0:38:26 > 0:38:29Drank a cocktail. Ruled India.
0:38:31 > 0:38:34Reflected about the old times between the wars.
0:38:34 > 0:38:36"Myself and Bunty were on the beach.
0:38:36 > 0:38:39"Do you think the sea will ever change, darling?
0:38:39 > 0:38:40"Will it always be wave after wave?"
0:38:49 > 0:38:51This is of course from Chess Moves,
0:38:51 > 0:38:54the report that also tells of one incident where...
0:39:00 > 0:39:03Better than being chess-eyed at a boggle tournament.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05Next...
0:39:06 > 0:39:07Is this accountant?
0:39:09 > 0:39:12- It is something festive. - Fatty Christmas boy.
0:39:18 > 0:39:21You're fatty Christmas boy. Jacob knows what it is.
0:39:21 > 0:39:22I think I know what it is.
0:39:22 > 0:39:25I think it is for people to untangle the wires of your Christmas lights.
0:39:25 > 0:39:26- It is!- Why?
0:39:26 > 0:39:28What is a fatty Christmas boy?!
0:39:32 > 0:39:33You are right. It is for...
0:39:37 > 0:39:39And finally...
0:39:42 > 0:39:45Adam created clothes because he found nakedness embarrassing.
0:39:45 > 0:39:49- But that is not exactly a new story, is it?- No.
0:39:49 > 0:39:51Didn't happen this week.
0:39:51 > 0:39:54No, it is more topical than that...
0:39:58 > 0:40:00Here he is.
0:40:06 > 0:40:09His other arm appears to be the same length.
0:40:09 > 0:40:11That is to stop him looking stupid.
0:40:13 > 0:40:15The good news is, he doesn't have to take selfies any more
0:40:15 > 0:40:17because he's now in a relationship...
0:40:17 > 0:40:19with Mr Tickle.
0:40:19 > 0:40:24So, the final scores are... Ian and Hal with four points,
0:40:24 > 0:40:26- Paul and Jacob with seven. - Outrageous.
0:40:26 > 0:40:29APPLAUSE
0:40:32 > 0:40:35Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:40:35 > 0:40:37I think it's Noah going, "Sorry, there's got to be two of you,
0:40:37 > 0:40:38"you're not getting in."
0:40:40 > 0:40:42- The Bible is not this week's news! - Sorry.
0:40:45 > 0:40:48Guilty sheep says, "What kind of identity parade is this?"
0:40:50 > 0:40:54On which note, we say thank you to our panellists - Ian Hislop
0:40:54 > 0:40:56and Hal Cruttenden, Paul Merton and Jacob Rees-Mogg.
0:40:56 > 0:40:59And I leave you with news that after spending decades
0:40:59 > 0:41:01watching her husband fail to win promotion at work,
0:41:01 > 0:41:05one impatient wife decides to take matters into her own hands.
0:41:12 > 0:41:13At a meeting of European leaders,
0:41:13 > 0:41:16one delegate tries to raise morale by burping the alphabet.
0:41:20 > 0:41:23And in Harley Street, there are fears that things may not
0:41:23 > 0:41:27quite have gone to plan with Alan Yentob's cosmetic surgery.
0:41:31 > 0:41:32Goodnight.