0:00:24 > 0:00:27APPLAUSE
0:00:36 > 0:00:41Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You - I'm Jo Brand.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45In the news this week, in Kettering, after killing the neighbour's cat,
0:00:45 > 0:00:48the perpetrator cleans away all traces of the crime.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58At a funfair in Moscow,
0:00:58 > 0:01:01the WikiLeaks whistle-blower Edward Snowden
0:01:01 > 0:01:03makes a rare public appearance.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10And despite the criticism of their failings,
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Belgian security forces are confident of catching
0:01:12 > 0:01:14another group of suspects.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39On Ian's team tonight is a comedian
0:01:39 > 0:01:42who now has his own sitcom on BBC Three -
0:01:42 > 0:01:44but we only have his word for that.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Please welcome Josh Widdicombe.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48APPLAUSE
0:01:52 > 0:01:56And with Paul tonight is the leader of the Liberal Democrats,
0:01:56 > 0:01:59and a committed Christian, who recently said...
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Don't know about God, but that's certainly the voters' plan.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Please welcome Tim Farron MP.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12APPLAUSE
0:02:15 > 0:02:18And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Paul and Tim, take a look at this, please.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21Ah, yes, this is Putin.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23There's planes, and there's bombs being dropped -
0:02:23 > 0:02:25there's the bombs, in black and white.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28There's Cameron saying, "This is where I'm going to be hiding."
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Yes, so it's the real world's attempts
0:02:30 > 0:02:33to frighten the bejesus out of us again
0:02:33 > 0:02:36by these Russians having had a plane shot down by Turkey,
0:02:36 > 0:02:38but it hasn't led to another world war yet.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41There's sanctions - and whenever you hear the word "sanctions",
0:02:41 > 0:02:42that's always a relief.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45How have the Turkish defended their actions?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48- Oh, they've released the warnings. - They've released the tape.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51They have - they've released an audio recording
0:02:51 > 0:02:54which apparently shows Turkish air forces warning the Russian planes.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57A voice is heard saying in English...
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Well, it's a fencing championship.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Bizarre, isn't it?
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Do you think Turkey's actions were an overreaction?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Well...I wouldn't have done it.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Does Russia have any history
0:03:21 > 0:03:23of violating other countries' air space?
0:03:23 > 0:03:24TIM: Not that I'm aware of.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Don't worry, you're not going to be Prime Minister just yet.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Not yet, not yet.
0:03:31 > 0:03:36- I think you're safe with an opinion for a...a while.- How long? Ah.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39So far, Russia's response has been more restrained
0:03:39 > 0:03:42than we might have thought. According to the Mirror...
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Because...
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Really? I just get Nectar points on mine. But, um...
0:03:56 > 0:03:58LAUGHTER
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Now, Putin's released pictures
0:04:00 > 0:04:05of his new multimillion-pound, three-storey war room in Moscow,
0:04:05 > 0:04:07from where he directs Russia's air strikes.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Is that a storey for each world war?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Well...
0:04:11 > 0:04:13I hope not - do you want to have a look at it?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15- Yeah, go on, then.- Yep.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16JOSH: Why is Putin in, like...
0:04:16 > 0:04:20If that was a theatre, he hasn't even paid to be in the stalls.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24That is the exact set of Spectre.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28I know I'm slightly obsessed by this film, but...
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Can't get over the fact that once again
0:04:30 > 0:04:31you were passed over for the role of...
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- LAUGHTER - ..Miss Moneypenny.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38And the Turkish leader, Erdogan, has been talking tough.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- Do you want to see him talking tough?- Yeah!- We would.- Totally.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42Let's have a look, then.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44HE SPEAKS TURKISH IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE
0:04:50 > 0:04:53It's nice to hear the Bee Gees' influence, still,
0:04:53 > 0:04:54in modern politics.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58- It's difficult to pick a team, isn't it?- It's impossible at the moment.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00There is someone that can help us,
0:05:00 > 0:05:03and you will be pleased to welcome her into the fold.
0:05:03 > 0:05:08This is Sun columnist and former Tory MP, Louise Mensch, everybody.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11- Excellent! Is she here? - No, she...- Thank God!
0:05:12 > 0:05:16Well, she has something to say about the developing situation.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18She wrote...
0:05:28 > 0:05:29And goes on to say...
0:05:37 > 0:05:40As she said from her concrete bunker.
0:05:40 > 0:05:41So, thank you for that, Louise.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45I mean, it is all getting a bit complicated in Syria.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Shall we play a game of Goodie Or Baddie?
0:05:47 > 0:05:49ALL: Yes!
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Right, well, I'll say the name of a group involved in Syria
0:05:52 > 0:05:55and you tell me if they are a goodie or a baddie.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Let's start with Turkey, OK - goodie or baddie?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00- Ooh.- Ooh.
0:06:00 > 0:06:01- BUZZER - Ian?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Both.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05JOSH: Oh, very clever!
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Yeah... Does slightly ruin the game, doesn't it?
0:06:09 > 0:06:12But then, that's what diplomacy is all about!
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Well, look, let's start with this, OK,
0:06:15 > 0:06:18so they're a member of Nato, so that makes them goodies.
0:06:18 > 0:06:19- OK.- But they bomb the Kurds.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Yes, but they've been bombing Kurds,
0:06:21 > 0:06:23so that makes them baddies, that's right.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25But they are against Assad
0:06:25 > 0:06:27and support the Syrian opposition - goodies.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29But then they shot down a Russian plane,
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Russia are our new allies - baddies.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34But then they warned the Russians not enter their airspace,
0:06:34 > 0:06:36so maybe that was justified - goodies.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39- Yes.- But they've been allowing Isis fighters and arms shipments
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- to travel through their territory, so that makes them baddies.- Boo!
0:06:42 > 0:06:46This game hasn't really turned out to be as much fun as I thought.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- What's the score now? Is that 4-3? - I'll tell you what we'll do next,
0:06:49 > 0:06:52it's Tim Brooke-Taylor - Goodie or baddie?
0:06:52 > 0:06:56How has David Cameron argued in favour of air strikes this week?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Keeps us safer, he said.
0:06:58 > 0:06:59He did say that.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03What's the Lib Dem position
0:07:03 > 0:07:06on air strikes against Islamic State in Syria, then?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09If it's legal and it's effective, then, you know, you consider it.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13I think it's probably legal. Are we sure it's going to be effective?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16We're basing a lot of this on, you know, stuff we don't really know,
0:07:16 > 0:07:20and it's a big deal when you're voting to send people's kids to war.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- Mm.- And the Prime Minister's saying, "Trust me."- "I'm a politician."
0:07:23 > 0:07:27"Cos very recently, I suggested going into Syria on the other side,
0:07:27 > 0:07:29- "To bomb Assad."- Mm.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32A year later, "I'm saying exactly the opposite."
0:07:32 > 0:07:36- But he DOES want to bomb Syria. We're sure of that.- Yeah.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38- A different bit this time. - Consistent.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41APPLAUSE
0:07:41 > 0:07:43What's Jeremy Corbyn done now?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45- He's been writing letters.- He has.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Was Jeremy Corbyn's letter just from his mum,
0:07:47 > 0:07:50saying, "Jeremy can't come to Cabinet today"?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53He's written letters to all of his MPs.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56I don't need to bother doing that, I can just talk to them,
0:07:56 > 0:07:58cos...we're that close together.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00He's written a letter to all his MPs
0:08:00 > 0:08:03saying that he cannot vote for the air strikes,
0:08:03 > 0:08:05or whatever it's going to be.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07How's it gone down with his Shadow Cabinet?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- It's bombed.- Yes. - LAUGHTER
0:08:10 > 0:08:11MAN CACKLES
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Thank you.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15He was accused of...
0:08:17 > 0:08:20And a Shadow Cabinet member said...
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Why are they particularly so annoyed with him?
0:08:26 > 0:08:29They keep talking about collective responsibility in the Cabinet -
0:08:29 > 0:08:31the Shadow Cabinet. Sorry! How ridiculous!
0:08:33 > 0:08:35The Shadow Cabinet coming to agreements about things,
0:08:35 > 0:08:37and then he just makes announcements.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Yeah, he just doesn't consult anyone.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41I thought a lot of them were ringing you up and saying,
0:08:41 > 0:08:43"Can I come and join your party?"
0:08:43 > 0:08:45The latter bit might not be true, but the first bit's true.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47What, there are a lot of them ringing you up?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49They did, a little while ago.
0:08:49 > 0:08:50I think they're just fuming to each other.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52JOSH: And what are they saying?
0:08:52 > 0:08:57They're saying how sad they are that their party is left of centre now.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Are you working at the Samaritans?
0:08:59 > 0:09:02It kind of...
0:09:02 > 0:09:04I feel that that is my role.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08If US coalition and Russia fail to rid the world of Isis,
0:09:08 > 0:09:11which unlikely hero can we rely on to do the job instead?
0:09:11 > 0:09:13- Is it Hillary Clinton?- No.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16It's US stay-at-home mom Linda Glocke.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18- Nice and smiley, isn't she, Linda Glocke?- Yes, lovely.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Yes, nice and smiley, isn't she?
0:09:20 > 0:09:22She posted on a social media site...
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Well, thank goodness someone's stepped up to the plate.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Now, meanwhile, the Mafia has warned Isis to stay out of New York.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Oh, right!
0:09:39 > 0:09:43Giovanni Gambino, a Mafia boss's son, said...
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Now, The Sun caused controversy
0:09:56 > 0:09:58with one of their front pages this week.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01- What did they do?- Print the truth?
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- They printed a poll.- Yes.
0:10:05 > 0:10:10I think it was their contribution to keeping everyone calm.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13"One in five Muslims have sympathy for jihadis."
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Then it turned out,
0:10:15 > 0:10:18this isn't actually what the polling organisation asked.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20They didn't mention the word "jihadis"
0:10:20 > 0:10:22and there was some quibble about
0:10:22 > 0:10:24whether it was sympathy for or sympathy with,
0:10:24 > 0:10:26they didn't take a very large poll,
0:10:26 > 0:10:28I mean, all of this is going to be a big surprise to you,
0:10:28 > 0:10:31but this bit of Sun journalism wasn't very well done.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35How did they even take that poll?
0:10:35 > 0:10:37If someone rang me up and said,
0:10:37 > 0:10:40"Can I just check if you've got sympathy for Isis?"
0:10:40 > 0:10:43I'd presume they were trying to recruit me!
0:10:43 > 0:10:47Right, now, Tim, do you think The Sun should apologise?
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Because they apologised to you once, didn't they?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Oh, they apologised because they got my name wrong.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56Because obviously, absolutely everyone knows who I am(!)
0:10:56 > 0:11:00So, unforgivably, they got me mixed up with Michael Fallon,
0:11:00 > 0:11:02who is the Defence Secretary,
0:11:02 > 0:11:06so he gets my post and he gets to speak to South Ribble Young Liberals,
0:11:06 > 0:11:09and I get his post and I have the Trident codes.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11So that's great.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Let's just get back to The Sun's apology,
0:11:14 > 0:11:17because unsurprisingly, it was a bit sarcastic.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Now, with the attacks in Paris and everything kicking off in Syria,
0:11:39 > 0:11:42it's good to know that our army will be keeping us safe.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46Who knows what Captain Coward's been up to this week?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Unfortunate name, I grant you...
0:11:49 > 0:11:52- Anyone?- He's not a cartoon character? He is a real person?
0:11:52 > 0:11:54No, it's a woman, Claptain... Claptain?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56She's got the clap as well...
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Captain Clare Coward's got the clap -
0:12:00 > 0:12:02what a great poem that would be.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05She hasn't, I'm sorry, Clare!
0:12:05 > 0:12:08I think alliteration is no defence in law.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Captain Clare Coward
0:12:10 > 0:12:13of the Royal Electrical and Mechanical Engineers
0:12:13 > 0:12:16sent a 400 word e-mail to junior officers,
0:12:16 > 0:12:18complaining about their poor performance
0:12:18 > 0:12:22when it comes to supplying coffee and biscuits to senior commanders.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24She wrote...
0:12:38 > 0:12:40It's a sign of pomposity, really, isn't it?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43- To devote that much effort to pink wafers.- It is.
0:12:43 > 0:12:48I've never liked the pink wafer, I think it's misleading.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Yeah, what type of biscuit is that?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Yeah, it's just all pink wafer, there's nothing else!
0:12:52 > 0:12:54If you don't like pink wafer, that's it.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57I mean, with a Jaffa Cake, there's some sort of surprise in the middle.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Well, not a surprise when you have more than one, but...
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Does anyone here actually enjoy eating pink wafers?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- SEVERAL PEOPLE:- Yes! - See? Nobody.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07I like them!
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Well, you'll eat anything that's got a cake on it, won't you?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Anything that's got a cake on it, or a CAPE on it?
0:13:13 > 0:13:15- A cape? I'd eat Batman. - Would you?- Yeah.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20So, this is the continuing mess in Syria.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24David Cameron has been trying to persuade MPs to support air strikes.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26He's embarking on a high-risk strategy
0:13:26 > 0:13:30involving himself in a civil war with fanatical factions
0:13:30 > 0:13:33fighting each other to topple an unpopular leader.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36But what can he do? He needs those Labour votes.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38MAN LAUGHS DISTINCTLY
0:13:38 > 0:13:40LAUGHTER
0:13:40 > 0:13:44You were told not to bring pets into the audience!
0:13:44 > 0:13:47According to the Guardian, Ed Miliband this week said...
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Well, if anyone knows - it's not him.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Ian and Josh, take a look at this.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00It's another budget.
0:14:00 > 0:14:01Um...
0:14:03 > 0:14:05"Where have they hidden?"
0:14:05 > 0:14:09And that's the new rapid reaction police force.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12That's the last time you could afford to buy a house.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16Yeah, George Osborne's done a U-turn in his autumn speech.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Everything he said he was going to do, he hasn't done.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21So he's not going to cut the police, he's not going to cut tax credits,
0:14:21 > 0:14:23there's plenty of money for the armed forces,
0:14:23 > 0:14:25plenty of money for the SAS, money for everything...
0:14:25 > 0:14:27What you got? What you want?
0:14:27 > 0:14:29It's-it's an extraordinary U-turn.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30I mean, presumably, he...
0:14:30 > 0:14:32He was watching this programme
0:14:32 > 0:14:34when there was some mild criticism...
0:14:36 > 0:14:38..of his initial budget, and he's come to his senses.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Do you think, Paul, that's cos you had a chat with
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Jacob Rees-Mogg about it last week, and it's had some effect on him?
0:14:44 > 0:14:45He's gone and...
0:14:45 > 0:14:47I don't think anything from the 21st century
0:14:47 > 0:14:50could have any effect on Jacob Rees-Mogg whatsoever.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52If I was sitting here wearing a periwig,
0:14:52 > 0:14:54I might have got through to him.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Well, according to the Mirror, he...
0:15:06 > 0:15:08But whose victory was it, really?
0:15:08 > 0:15:12Because quite a few people were claiming it...
0:15:12 > 0:15:14TIM: Definitely me.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- Hey!- Thank you very much. - It was a vote in the Lords...
0:15:30 > 0:15:32- It was.- And it was a lot of your lot.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35It was our Lords who voted against it, to scrap it.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38So I think we can claim at least as much credit as the Mirror.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42APPLAUSE
0:15:44 > 0:15:47How did Labour press home their advantage?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50This is the less happy bit of the story.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53He got out Chairman Mao's Little Red Book, the Shadow Chancellor...
0:15:53 > 0:15:54Yes, John McDonnell, he did.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56It was meant to be a joke.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58It was him saying, "You know, you've sold a lot
0:15:58 > 0:16:02"of Britain to China, this is how they're going to deal with you."
0:16:02 > 0:16:04But he didn't think - for the vast majority of people,
0:16:04 > 0:16:07they'd be thinking, "Oh, you're a former Communist
0:16:07 > 0:16:10"and you're now waving Chairman Mao's book around."
0:16:10 > 0:16:14So then he threw the book... across the chamber
0:16:14 > 0:16:17and Osborne - I do hate to say this - came up with a joke.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21He said, "Ah, it's your personally-signed copy."
0:16:21 > 0:16:23LAUGHTER
0:16:23 > 0:16:27You see, you're laughing at a Tory Chancellor.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30That's how bad things have got in this country.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33How's George Osborne managing to do all this, when he was saying,
0:16:33 > 0:16:36only a few weeks ago, that huge cuts were necessary?
0:16:36 > 0:16:40The day before, someone said, "You have an extra 27 billion."
0:16:40 > 0:16:44Largely coming from tax - which is the other way to raise money,
0:16:44 > 0:16:46apart from cutting spending. I like the description of him
0:16:46 > 0:16:50as the "lucky Chancellor". I mean, unbelievably lucky.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54Yes, but he's still going to cut 12 billion from welfare.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57So he just hasn't said yet where he is taking that from.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01It might be from you, madam. Who knows? None of us know.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04That would be better, wouldn't it? Just pick on one person.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Everyone else...
0:17:06 > 0:17:08I think if you put that to the country and said,
0:17:08 > 0:17:12"There's 12 billion. Do you want to share it out between you?
0:17:12 > 0:17:14"Or one of you takes the hit?"
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Can I vote for Andrew Lloyd Webber?
0:17:16 > 0:17:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:19 > 0:17:22- He can take it.- I know.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24What's George Osborne's big plan?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27- What's his big plan?- Yeah. - Become leader.- Yeah, become leader
0:17:27 > 0:17:30of the Conservative Party. Move from number 11 to number 10
0:17:30 > 0:17:33and not hold that red box up any more.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Yeah, that and to get the debt down.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39At the moment... Does anyone know how much it is at the moment?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41It's about a trillion.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43It's 1.56 trillion and rising.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Look, here it is counting up, see...
0:17:45 > 0:17:46JOSH: Oh, my God.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48TIM: Seems to be going quicker.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51JOSH: Someone needs to stop him, it's still going!
0:17:51 > 0:17:54We should have that above Trafalgar Square.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Can we have Andrew Lloyd Webber handcuffed next to it?
0:17:58 > 0:18:02Every time it goes past, like, another million,
0:18:02 > 0:18:04he gets a slap.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08APPLAUSE
0:18:08 > 0:18:12And what did George Osborne promise individual taxpayers?
0:18:12 > 0:18:13A kiss.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21Everyone will have their own online personal tax account,
0:18:21 > 0:18:25- to file their tax return over the internet.- I won't.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- You will.- No, I don't have any access to the internet.- Do you not?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30I don't have a mobile phone.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34I know, just like everybody else, 30 years ago.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38Now it's just you and Jacob Rees-Mogg, isn't it?
0:18:38 > 0:18:40He's got a clockwork one.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43How did Robert Peston cover the Autumn Statement
0:18:43 > 0:18:45on his last Ten O'Clock News?
0:18:45 > 0:18:47He song and danced it, didn't he? Came down some steps
0:18:47 > 0:18:50in a top hat, twirling cane... Silver-topped cane...
0:18:50 > 0:18:53# The news is breaking tonight!
0:18:53 > 0:18:56# Osborne says it's all right
0:18:56 > 0:18:58# He's the Chancellor, I'm... #
0:18:58 > 0:19:00- You know, you know...- Yeah.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03I was really excited to see how far that was going to go.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05I shouldn't have... I was trying to rhyme Chancellor
0:19:05 > 0:19:07and I backed out of it.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11# I'll show you my pecker, I'm from the Exchequer! #
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Now, we mustn't forget Ukip in all this.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22What did single, solitary, powerless Ukip MP Douglas Carswell say
0:19:22 > 0:19:24about the Autumn Statement?
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- Ooh, I don't remember. - He pointed out that...
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Apparently, they've spent...
0:19:39 > 0:19:41To be fair, that's a lot of corks.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Apparently, you can sometimes do a Nigel Farage impression,
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- is that right?- I once did a Nigel Farage impression.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51- Did it go down well?- Well, it was me v Clegg in the warm-ups
0:19:51 > 0:19:54for the Nick v Nige things last year.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- All I did was make stuff up, which is what he does.- Yes.- Simple.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Turned up in a purple tie, drank quite a lot - brilliant.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Ian, do you have any political impressions you'd like to give us?
0:20:05 > 0:20:07He's got a good Pitt the Younger.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13He's doing it now, that's it now.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15And this is Pitt the Elder...
0:20:16 > 0:20:19I had a go at doing political impressions -
0:20:19 > 0:20:21it didn't go very well, so I've... I gave them up.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23- Who'd you do?- Er, Tony Benn...- OK.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27But I can only do Tony Benn singing Alesha Dixon.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30- AS TONY BENN:- # Does she wash up?
0:20:30 > 0:20:31# She never washes up
0:20:31 > 0:20:34# Does she brush up? No, she never brushes up. #
0:20:40 > 0:20:42- Can I kill this fly? - Yeah, it's really...
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Can't we negotiate first?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47I'll just ring the UN.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Has it gone over your airspace?
0:20:54 > 0:20:55En garde!
0:20:57 > 0:20:58En garde?!
0:21:02 > 0:21:06And so to Round Two, the Scrambler of News.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Buzz when you know what it is.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11BUZZ
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Oh, this is the boy who...
0:21:13 > 0:21:15I saw this, which is why I'm able to press the button
0:21:15 > 0:21:17and answer with some authority.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19He was singing the Australian national anthem
0:21:19 > 0:21:20but he got a bout of hiccups
0:21:20 > 0:21:22so he sort of hiccupped his way through it.
0:21:22 > 0:21:23AUDIENCE: Aww!
0:21:23 > 0:21:26But, no, it's OK because he got severely punished for it.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31No, everybody found it very amusing,
0:21:31 > 0:21:33I think some of the players found it quite amusing as well.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35- Shall we have a look? - Let's have a look.
0:21:35 > 0:21:40# Australians all let us rejoice... #
0:21:40 > 0:21:41HE HICCUPS
0:21:41 > 0:21:46# For we are young and free
0:21:46 > 0:21:48# We've gol... # HE HICCUPS
0:21:48 > 0:21:51# ..soil and wealth... #
0:21:51 > 0:21:52HE HICCUPS
0:21:52 > 0:21:57# Our home is girt by sea
0:21:57 > 0:22:03# Our land abounds in Nature's gifts
0:22:03 > 0:22:05# Of beauty... #
0:22:05 > 0:22:06HE HICCUPS
0:22:06 > 0:22:09# Rich and rare... # HE HICCUPS
0:22:09 > 0:22:10- Aww!- Lovely.
0:22:10 > 0:22:16His name is Ethan Hall. What happened after the performance?
0:22:16 > 0:22:17He was chased out of town.
0:22:19 > 0:22:24Well, despite his unfortunate dilemma, he bravely carried on...
0:22:27 > 0:22:29- AUDIENCE: Aww! - Yeah.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31And in other sports news,
0:22:31 > 0:22:36why has Seb Coe given up his ambassadorial role with Nike?
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Cos it's all very murky, isn't it?
0:22:38 > 0:22:42Because they gave the International Athletics World Championships
0:22:42 > 0:22:45to a city that I've never even heard of.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47TIM: Eugene. JOSH: Eugene.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49- Yeah, I'd never heard of this place. - Eugene, Oregon.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Isn't that an opera by Tchaikovsky?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53It's the centre of Nike's business.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55- Yeah.- Have you ever bought a Nike product, Ian?
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Yes, I have a number of their waistcoats.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01LAUGHTER
0:23:01 > 0:23:05Do you know how much they were employing Seb for?
0:23:05 > 0:23:07It was over a zillion pounds.
0:23:07 > 0:23:12It was £100,000 a year as a brand ambassador.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Why had these suspicions been raised?
0:23:14 > 0:23:17There was no bidding process, it was just awarded to them.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20People think that Seb, in his role as ambassador,
0:23:20 > 0:23:23might have said to himself as vice-president,
0:23:23 > 0:23:26"Why don't we give the Championships to this town?" -
0:23:26 > 0:23:28whose major employer pays you £100,000 a year.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31TIM: That's ridiculous, that would never have happened.
0:23:31 > 0:23:32So, anyway, he's had to resign.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35How did Seb Coe help fund his presidential campaign
0:23:35 > 0:23:37for the presidence...
0:23:37 > 0:23:39The presen...
0:23:39 > 0:23:40JO MUMBLES
0:23:40 > 0:23:44- How did Seb Coe help fund... - Are you on something?
0:23:44 > 0:23:46I'm on menopausal ladies' heroin.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49I don't know if you know that, folks, it's lovely.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51It's called Solpadeine Plus Soluble
0:23:51 > 0:23:54and, crikey, does it give an old lady a bit of a...whooh!
0:23:56 > 0:23:58I'm not even being paid to advertise it.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00No, you're a brand ambassador.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07I don't really want to be a brand ambassador for Solpadeine Plus.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10You can't stop talking about it, though, can you?
0:24:10 > 0:24:13And on the theme of allegedly corrupt men in sport,
0:24:13 > 0:24:16what has Sepp Blatter been up to this week?
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- We surely don't have to say "allegedly" with Blatter.- No.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21- Even he doesn't believe he's innocent.- No.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24He keeps having panic attacks, doesn't he?
0:24:24 > 0:24:27He told Swiss TV channel RTS...
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Although I suspect he was slightly closer
0:24:39 > 0:24:41towards the fire of the devil.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44That's hell of a symptoms to go into your doctor with, isn't it?
0:24:44 > 0:24:47"Just two paracetamol, see if it gets rid of it."
0:24:47 > 0:24:50You know what I'd be recommending. Anyway, moving on.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:54 > 0:24:58Sticking with football, what extreme lengths has this man gone to
0:24:58 > 0:25:01to ensure his son supports his team, Millwall?
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Oh, well, it's one of those things where he's named him
0:25:04 > 0:25:06after every player in the Millwall team.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10Well, yeah, not quite every player, it is along those lines.
0:25:10 > 0:25:11He's named him...
0:25:15 > 0:25:17- And his nickname is "Poor little- BLEEP".
0:25:18 > 0:25:22The joke's on him, because Bloomfield Road is Blackpool's home ground.
0:25:22 > 0:25:27- So...- I bet he's laughing about that!- "Oh, unlucky!"
0:25:27 > 0:25:29I saw that one quite early.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32What an idiot.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Bloomfield!
0:25:37 > 0:25:41I was on London Bridge once and there were about 50 Millwall fans
0:25:41 > 0:25:44on the other platform and one of them saw me and shouted,
0:25:44 > 0:25:45"Oi, Hislop! Wanker!"
0:25:45 > 0:25:48And they all started running up the bridge
0:25:48 > 0:25:50to come over to the other side.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52I thought I was going to die.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56I had the devils of fire here and angels here.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59- What did you do? Solpadeine?- I...
0:25:59 > 0:26:00LAUGHTER
0:26:00 > 0:26:04- Sorry, I'm going to stop doing it. What did you do?- I ran really fast.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06- JOSH: Did you? - Yeah.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Lucky you had your Nikes on.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:12 > 0:26:16How did Mike Bloomfield convince his wife, Kellie,
0:26:16 > 0:26:17to go along with the name?
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Rohypnol?
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Did he not tell her they were Millwall related?
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Yes, he didn't ask her, actually. According to the Metro...
0:26:33 > 0:26:35She was pretty angry at first,
0:26:35 > 0:26:37but has since come round to the name, saying...
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50BUZZ
0:26:50 > 0:26:54That's the hole that the potential thieves drilled
0:26:54 > 0:26:57under Hatton Garden.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58It is.
0:26:58 > 0:27:03- Potential thieves?- Well... - I mean, that's cautious, isn't it?
0:27:04 > 0:27:08I reserve my judgment, they might've just been lost.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13It was the Dad's Army kind of criminal gang, wasn't it?
0:27:13 > 0:27:15They hid the jewels under a gravestone or something,
0:27:15 > 0:27:16is that right?
0:27:16 > 0:27:18No, that was Scooby-Doo.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Can I just stress that four people have pleaded guilty
0:27:22 > 0:27:25and four people are on trial?
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Two of those standing trial have been described as...
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Shocking. If it turns out they did it,
0:27:32 > 0:27:36I'll never trust a second-hand car dealer again.
0:27:36 > 0:27:37Didn't they discuss it in the pub?
0:27:37 > 0:27:40They had all their meetings on a Friday night in the pub.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44Well, we've all made plans like that on a Friday night in the pub.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47- But they carried it out, you see. - That's what I like about them.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50- That's what makes Britain great. - Exactly.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Britain's plucky pensioners.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55How did the eldest ringleader, Brian Reader, otherwise known as...
0:27:57 > 0:27:58..or...
0:27:59 > 0:28:02- ..get to the raid? - He got public transport, didn't he?
0:28:02 > 0:28:03TIM: Oh, he used his Oyster.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06He used his Oyster card, that's right, to jump on the bus...
0:28:08 > 0:28:10The other way they caught him is the next day,
0:28:10 > 0:28:13he put £4 billion on the Oyster card.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18In other crime news, what did two car thieves from Virginia
0:28:18 > 0:28:21discover when they stole a car this week?
0:28:21 > 0:28:23That neither of them could drive.
0:28:23 > 0:28:24They actually found...
0:28:26 > 0:28:27JOSH: Ooh!
0:28:27 > 0:28:30And what did the two community-minded car thieves do?
0:28:30 > 0:28:33Cracked the window open, closed it back and left it.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35No, before stealing the car, they...
0:28:36 > 0:28:38ALL: Aww!
0:28:38 > 0:28:41This is the start of the Hatton Garden jewellery trial.
0:28:41 > 0:28:45Four men who have pleaded guilty have an average age of 68.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47The raid didn't go to plan, as when they finally reached
0:28:47 > 0:28:50the basement, they forgot what they'd come downstairs for
0:28:50 > 0:28:51in the first place.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53Time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56Ian and Josh, your four are:
0:28:56 > 0:29:00Ronaldinho, Republican candidate for President Carly Fiorina,
0:29:00 > 0:29:04Jimmy Nail and Zimbabwe's Mison Sere.
0:29:04 > 0:29:07Ronaldinho is obviously a footballer.
0:29:07 > 0:29:10I think he had dental work done recently.
0:29:10 > 0:29:14Because he has always famously had kind of rabbitty teeth,
0:29:14 > 0:29:16is that the description? That's not the description.
0:29:16 > 0:29:20It's that kind of abuse that's made him have to change his teeth!
0:29:20 > 0:29:22Jimmy Nail...
0:29:22 > 0:29:23is ugly.
0:29:24 > 0:29:27Donald Trump was rude to her.
0:29:27 > 0:29:31- He described her as ugly, is that right?- Correct, that is right.
0:29:31 > 0:29:36Oh, Mison Sere looks like he's in one of those gurning competitions,
0:29:36 > 0:29:39- or one of those things. - Are we on the right lines?
0:29:39 > 0:29:41Yes, you are, it is an ugly question.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44Three of them have been described as ugly...
0:29:44 > 0:29:47And the other one describes himself as ugly.
0:29:47 > 0:29:50- Yes, which one? - That person is Miser...- Mison Sere.
0:29:50 > 0:29:52Well, you are pretty much there.
0:29:52 > 0:29:54He is Zimbabwean, he's the odd one out because
0:29:54 > 0:29:58he won the country's annual Mr Ugly competition this week.
0:29:58 > 0:30:01However, the competition ended in uproar
0:30:01 > 0:30:04when Mison's rivals claimed he was too handsome.
0:30:06 > 0:30:08He's just got terrible teeth, that's all!
0:30:08 > 0:30:12Well, that's right, because people specifically criticised
0:30:12 > 0:30:14the fact that his ugliness...
0:30:18 > 0:30:20Well, let's move on to Carly Fiorina.
0:30:20 > 0:30:24Donald Trump recently said of his female Republican rival...
0:30:30 > 0:30:31A comment so crass that even his hair
0:30:31 > 0:30:33tried to distance itself from him.
0:30:36 > 0:30:39Now, Jimmy Nail, according to the Mail, he had his show,
0:30:39 > 0:30:42Crocodile Shoes, rejected from Brazilian TV
0:30:42 > 0:30:45because his face was considered too ugly for Brazilians to look at.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50And as far as Ronaldinho is concerned,
0:30:50 > 0:30:53Real Madrid President Florentino Perez
0:30:53 > 0:30:56told Spanish newspaper El Pais...
0:31:03 > 0:31:05Who did Madrid sign instead?
0:31:05 > 0:31:07- David Beckham.- Indeed they did.
0:31:07 > 0:31:11Florentino said of him, "Just look at how handsome Beckham is..."
0:31:11 > 0:31:12Um...
0:31:12 > 0:31:15- Did I get it?- I'm not sure.
0:31:15 > 0:31:18- You certainly didn't give a warning! - No.
0:31:20 > 0:31:23Ronaldinho is actually a nickname, meaning Little Ronaldo.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26He was forced to use a nickname to differentiate himself
0:31:26 > 0:31:29from the many other players called Ronaldo in Brazil.
0:31:29 > 0:31:32What was team-mate Roberto Carlos' witty solution
0:31:32 > 0:31:34to having two Ronaldos in the squad?
0:31:34 > 0:31:36Ronaldo and Ronaldon't?
0:31:38 > 0:31:42Yeah, I would have liked that, but he just said...
0:31:48 > 0:31:50Footballers are lovely, aren't they?
0:31:50 > 0:31:52They have all been accused of being too ugly,
0:31:52 > 0:31:55apart from Zimbabwe's Mr Ugly, Mison Sere,
0:31:55 > 0:31:57who has been accused of being too handsome.
0:31:57 > 0:32:00Here he is with his winning smile.
0:32:00 > 0:32:01I still would, though.
0:32:04 > 0:32:06Real Madrid refused to sign Ronaldinho
0:32:06 > 0:32:10because their marketing department thought he was too ugly, which
0:32:10 > 0:32:14also explains the controversial signing of left-back Jennifer Lopez.
0:32:16 > 0:32:18- Paul and Tim, here are yours. - Yup.
0:32:18 > 0:32:21Ben Carson, the Ken doll,
0:32:21 > 0:32:24Kanye West and Tom Cruise.
0:32:24 > 0:32:26They haven't all had a doll made?
0:32:26 > 0:32:30It's someone they've all been portrayed as.
0:32:30 > 0:32:31JOSH: Is it Jesus?
0:32:31 > 0:32:34Yes, it is.
0:32:34 > 0:32:37Cos Kanye West called his album Yeezus, didn't he?
0:32:37 > 0:32:39- That's right. - Perhaps they're all Jesus.
0:32:39 > 0:32:41- They're all Jesus.- Except him. He's a scientologist.
0:32:41 > 0:32:43Well done. You did almost get it.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46The answer is they've all been depicted as Jesus,
0:32:46 > 0:32:50apart from Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson,
0:32:50 > 0:32:54who was depicted in a painting with Jesus, which hangs on his wall.
0:32:56 > 0:33:00That's not Jesus, that's Wolf from Gladiators.
0:33:01 > 0:33:03Now as far as Tom Cruise is concerned,
0:33:03 > 0:33:07the Biblewalk Museum in Ohio houses a series of waxworks
0:33:07 > 0:33:08of various celebrities,
0:33:08 > 0:33:12all recycled so they represent characters from the Bible.
0:33:12 > 0:33:15Here, for example, is a recycled Tom Cruise as Jesus.
0:33:17 > 0:33:18On the left.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23Let's play a little game. I'll show you a religious waxwork
0:33:23 > 0:33:25and you have to tell me which celebrity it originally was.
0:33:25 > 0:33:29- OK.- First off, King Solomon.
0:33:29 > 0:33:30Vanessa Feltz.
0:33:32 > 0:33:36- That's John Travolta. - It is John Travolta, Ian.
0:33:36 > 0:33:37Brilliant work.
0:33:37 > 0:33:39Next up, this rather dapper-looking angel.
0:33:39 > 0:33:40Prince Philip.
0:33:40 > 0:33:43Indeed. It's Prince Philip.
0:33:43 > 0:33:45So who wants to go to that museum?
0:33:45 > 0:33:46Nobody.
0:33:48 > 0:33:51Rapper and famous prat Kanye West
0:33:51 > 0:33:53has often equated himself with Jesus,
0:33:53 > 0:33:55and was depicted as the son of God
0:33:55 > 0:33:57on the cover of Rolling Stone Magazine.
0:33:57 > 0:34:01Ken doll was actually part of an exhibition in Buenos Aires
0:34:01 > 0:34:04in which Barbie and Ken adopted various religious guises.
0:34:04 > 0:34:05Here's Ken.
0:34:06 > 0:34:09And here he is doing "suggestive shepherd".
0:34:09 > 0:34:11LAUGHTER
0:34:14 > 0:34:18Some collectors have invested a lot in the Ken as Jesus doll,
0:34:18 > 0:34:19only to be disappointed -
0:34:19 > 0:34:22they put him away safely in the sealed box,
0:34:22 > 0:34:25but when they go back to check on it three days later,
0:34:25 > 0:34:27the box is empty...
0:34:27 > 0:34:31except for the robes, which have been left neatly folded up.
0:34:31 > 0:34:34Let's stay with religion, but go somewhere else with it.
0:34:34 > 0:34:36Why have some 12th-century monks from Glastonbury
0:34:36 > 0:34:39been outed as lying bastards this week?
0:34:39 > 0:34:41Because they were really from the 13th century?
0:34:41 > 0:34:44Well, archaeologists from the University of Reading
0:34:44 > 0:34:47have concluded that many of the myths around Glastonbury Abbey
0:34:47 > 0:34:50were in fact made up by...
0:34:53 > 0:34:54This isn't news!
0:34:54 > 0:34:57There was a particularly good documentary, fronted by...
0:34:57 > 0:34:59Oh! Um...
0:35:00 > 0:35:02..myself, which, um...
0:35:02 > 0:35:05discussed exactly this question.
0:35:05 > 0:35:08What did they do, like, a kind of 12th-century insurance job?
0:35:08 > 0:35:11No, they went for a dig and they said,
0:35:11 > 0:35:15"My goodness, we've found the bones of King Arthur and Guinevere
0:35:15 > 0:35:18"in the cemetery - unbelievable good luck!"
0:35:18 > 0:35:22Did they then go to a car park in Leicester and find that king?
0:35:23 > 0:35:26Well, not only did they say that Arthur and Guinevere were
0:35:26 > 0:35:29buried there, they said that Jesus visited Glastonbury as a boy.
0:35:29 > 0:35:32He couldn't get in over the fence, though, could he?
0:35:34 > 0:35:37The headline act was a middle-aged Mick Jagger.
0:35:39 > 0:35:41Finally, what happens
0:35:41 > 0:35:43if you're a high-ranking Russian Orthodox priest
0:35:43 > 0:35:46and you can't get into a car because you've got a big hat on?
0:35:46 > 0:35:48- Do you want to see?- Yes.
0:35:50 > 0:35:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:35:56 > 0:35:58Oh, that is brilliant.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00Time now for the Missing Words round,
0:36:00 > 0:36:02which this week features as its guest publication
0:36:02 > 0:36:04The Business Of Ferrets,
0:36:04 > 0:36:08the magazine of the Wessex Ferret Club.
0:36:08 > 0:36:11It's for people who think rats just aren't long enough.
0:36:12 > 0:36:14And we start with...
0:36:18 > 0:36:20Is it excessive use of sunbed?
0:36:25 > 0:36:27Thinking.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31APPLAUSE
0:36:33 > 0:36:34It's...
0:36:37 > 0:36:38Next...
0:36:41 > 0:36:43Tunnel-building programme.
0:36:43 > 0:36:45It's...
0:36:49 > 0:36:51A very gullible governor!
0:36:52 > 0:36:55"Now, you'd better be back by six o'clock!"
0:36:55 > 0:36:57This is at a Nottingham prison.
0:36:57 > 0:37:01Rambling is offering a new form of exercise to prison inmates,
0:37:01 > 0:37:05where they go on long walks and reminisce about showbiz in the '70s.
0:37:09 > 0:37:10Next...
0:37:14 > 0:37:16JOSH: Eat it straightaway?
0:37:18 > 0:37:20- PAUL:- Put mustard in his ear.
0:37:20 > 0:37:23Shove a chilli up...I don't know.
0:37:23 > 0:37:25Don't know what the answer would be.
0:37:25 > 0:37:27- No, I'm going to tell you.- Go on.
0:37:27 > 0:37:29It is...
0:37:33 > 0:37:36I know what I'd do if I was confronted by a hot ferret -
0:37:36 > 0:37:38fan it with a shovel.
0:37:45 > 0:37:48Shoving a cucumber through a letterbox.
0:37:49 > 0:37:51Did he squeeze himself through the letterbox?
0:37:51 > 0:37:53Oh, dear me.
0:37:54 > 0:37:57Extraordinary image you create.
0:37:57 > 0:37:58Overly enthusiastic...
0:38:04 > 0:38:08This is a delivery man who tried to throw a parcel through a window
0:38:08 > 0:38:12but missed and it landed on the roof of the house.
0:38:12 > 0:38:15The driver then posted an official card through the letterbox,
0:38:15 > 0:38:16which said...
0:38:21 > 0:38:23Before adding by hand...
0:38:25 > 0:38:26Here it is.
0:38:29 > 0:38:32A spokesman for the delivery firm said...
0:38:35 > 0:38:37You'll find them in the chimney pot.
0:38:39 > 0:38:40Next...
0:38:43 > 0:38:46TIM: Quite difficult for ferrets because they've got short arms.
0:38:48 > 0:38:49Is it a poor man's backgammon?
0:38:51 > 0:38:53I think you'll be surprised by this.
0:38:53 > 0:38:58Is it scrotum-squeezing is key to my success, says Joe Pasquale?
0:39:00 > 0:39:02Scrotum-squeezing is...
0:39:06 > 0:39:07What?!
0:39:07 > 0:39:09I know, this is so weird,
0:39:09 > 0:39:12the Paralympics is set to get tough on scrotum-squeezing,
0:39:12 > 0:39:15as athletes have been risking their lives to gain
0:39:15 > 0:39:19an advantage of up to 10%, as the bizarre practice tricks
0:39:19 > 0:39:22the brain into giving them more power and adrenaline.
0:39:22 > 0:39:24Even more if they're your own.
0:39:26 > 0:39:28I mean, who's heard of that, anyone?
0:39:28 > 0:39:31Sorry, I'm just experimenting, hang on...
0:39:31 > 0:39:34- Any more power?- No, nothing so far.
0:39:34 > 0:39:36- RAPIDLY:- Come on, let's get to the next bit of the quiz,
0:39:36 > 0:39:38what have we got?
0:39:38 > 0:39:40- And finally...- Yeah, final, yeah.
0:39:44 > 0:39:47Appear to have been radicalised.
0:39:50 > 0:39:51At the National Ferret Fair...
0:39:57 > 0:40:00- That's good advice, isn't it, really?- It is.- It is good advice.
0:40:00 > 0:40:02Weirdly, this is from The Business Of Ferrets.
0:40:02 > 0:40:03A ferret with diarrhoea -
0:40:03 > 0:40:07that's two things you don't want running down your trousers.
0:40:11 > 0:40:15So the final scores are, Paul and Tim have four,
0:40:15 > 0:40:18but Ian and Josh are this week's winners with six.
0:40:18 > 0:40:20APPLAUSE
0:40:23 > 0:40:24Very sorry. All my fault.
0:40:24 > 0:40:27Just before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.
0:40:27 > 0:40:29Ian and Josh have this.
0:40:29 > 0:40:33JOSH: Is he saying, "So according to Tinder,
0:40:33 > 0:40:35"you like dogs and horse riding"?
0:40:37 > 0:40:39Paul and Tim get that.
0:40:41 > 0:40:42Headcase.
0:40:42 > 0:40:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:44 > 0:40:46You can say no more.
0:40:46 > 0:40:48I've probably said enough already.
0:40:48 > 0:40:52I leave you with news that there's embarrassment at Tate Modern
0:40:52 > 0:40:56after their catering staff accidentally win the Turner Prize.
0:41:01 > 0:41:03At a European summit,
0:41:03 > 0:41:05the Greek Prime Minister suggests he could save money
0:41:05 > 0:41:07by sharing a hotel room.
0:41:12 > 0:41:15And in Jerusalem, an interpreter is a little slow
0:41:15 > 0:41:19arriving at the translation "goat's testicle".
0:41:25 > 0:41:26Goodnight.
0:41:26 > 0:41:29APPLAUSE