0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42I'm Alexander Armstrong. In the news this week,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45there is embarrassment for David Cameron as footage emerges
0:00:45 > 0:00:48of some of those 70,000 Syrian ground troops in training.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57In Moscow, as he meets his next opponent, Russia's number one
0:00:57 > 0:01:00judo star starts to think he may have to throw the fight.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09And home movie footage of a kitchen in Essex in the 1970s
0:01:09 > 0:01:12shows a career-defining moment in the life of Victoria Beckham.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:01:23 > 0:01:25On Ian's team tonight is a comedian
0:01:25 > 0:01:29who is about to publish her first book, which is described
0:01:29 > 0:01:31as a funny exploration of the female body.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34I've done one of those. Please welcome Sara Pascoe!
0:01:34 > 0:01:38APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:40 > 0:01:45And with Paul tonight is a Scottish politician who led the SNP
0:01:45 > 0:01:47for over 20 years, up until 2014.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51And then they got popular. Please welcome Alex Salmond MSP MP!
0:01:51 > 0:01:54APPLAUSE
0:01:54 > 0:01:57And we start, as ever, with the biggest stories of the week.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Paul and Alex, take a look at this.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Yes, this is obviously the bombing of Syria is beginning,
0:02:02 > 0:02:05- though many people are against it. - The Shadow Cabinet...
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Ruining the snooker match.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11That's a Daesh tank going round in circles.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13That should be pretty easy to bomb, that one.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15I hope the other targets are as well.
0:02:15 > 0:02:16The big debate.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20The Government got a big majority for the bombing of Syria.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- Yeah, you got it in one. - Any good speeches by anyone?
0:02:23 > 0:02:25There was a lot of good speeches.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Any Scottish politicians shining?
0:02:27 > 0:02:30All Scottish politicians shine.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33It's the diet.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Who gave the most impressive performance, would you say, in the debate?
0:02:36 > 0:02:39- The Speaker.- Actually, yes.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Because he didn't go to the toilet for 11 hours.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45There's a special arrangement.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Like astronauts?
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Exactly. Very similar arrangement. Lot of tubing.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Under all the breaches and the buckles?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Underneath, through the House of Lords, through the canteen,
0:02:55 > 0:02:56up through Big Ben, back again.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58It's an 11-hour cycle,
0:02:58 > 0:03:01so after 11 hours, you've got to get out of there.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05- You don't want blowback, do you?! - Exactly. Indeed.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Do you think there were people who made their minds up in the chamber on the night?
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Well, they were forecasting a big majority
0:03:10 > 0:03:13and then, as the debate started and particularly with Cameron
0:03:13 > 0:03:16talking about Corbyn as a terrorist sympathiser...
0:03:16 > 0:03:20He was speaking to his wavering backbenchers, saying...
0:03:23 > 0:03:27So that is actually smearing everybody who came out against the war.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29That's a good start.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31He was challenged on it a number of times.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33It was a foolish thing for him to say.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35It was tactically daft because it would stiffen
0:03:35 > 0:03:38the resolve of some Labour MPs, you would've thought.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41There is one Machiavellian theory about the Tories briefed that
0:03:41 > 0:03:44so that the question of the 70,000 bogus battalions,
0:03:44 > 0:03:48as one Tory MP called it, wouldn't be examined.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51- Oh, they're not that clever.- Well...
0:03:51 > 0:03:53They don't deliberately make two enormous howlers
0:03:53 > 0:03:56thinking that the lesser one will get all the attention.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59That was David Cameron's big "45 minute" moment, they're saying.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02That was the exact quote from the Tory MP.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05He said, "We had the dodgy dossier, now we've got bogus battalions."
0:04:05 > 0:04:09Right, and the 70,000 claim was challenged by lots of MPs,
0:04:09 > 0:04:12obviously, including the SNP's Angus Robertson.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14He is very impressive, isn't he?
0:04:14 > 0:04:16He certainly is.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Just a big Scottish man, capable.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22He's so impressive. He's a leader, isn't he?
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Absolutely! Absolutely.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Angus Robertson!
0:04:29 > 0:04:30You were there on Wednesday,
0:04:30 > 0:04:33because, obviously, the previous debate on the 26th of November,
0:04:33 > 0:04:36you had to miss that because you were unveiling a portrait.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40Incidentally, we raised 50,000 quid for charity. It was a good portrait.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43- We've got a picture. - Show the portrait, go on!
0:04:43 > 0:04:46It was for charity!
0:04:46 > 0:04:48What are you doing to that sofa?!
0:04:51 > 0:04:53The Scottish National Portrait Gallery is a wonderful place.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Slightly haunting - the "och ayes" follow you around the room.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01- Have you been there, Alexander? - I have. It's very beautiful.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- Is your portrait there?- It's not. - Give it time. You'll be all right.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Paint anybody, do they?
0:05:06 > 0:05:09There's a pavement artist just outside with some pastels.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Did you see there's a Scottish Labour source who said...
0:05:16 > 0:05:18There was a boy at my school who could do that.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25The other argument David Cameron put forward is that
0:05:25 > 0:05:28the allied forces need our particular smart technology.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31- What's all that about? - This is the Brimstone missile,
0:05:31 > 0:05:34which David Cameron's been arguing for weeks, that it's unique
0:05:34 > 0:05:38to the RAF, until another Scottish MP pointed out
0:05:38 > 0:05:42that we'd sold them to the Saudi Arabians some months back,
0:05:42 > 0:05:43so they have them as well.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45But they're not going to use them, are they?
0:05:45 > 0:05:49Missiles now are all named rather, sort of, callously.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51The drones are called "Reaper."
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Sort of tells you what they do.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56- Hellfire.- Hellfire, Brimstone...
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Bit camp, isn't it?
0:06:01 > 0:06:04What happened to some Brimstone missiles recently?
0:06:04 > 0:06:05- You've got me.- They fell off?
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Look, they're smart enough to get back on again.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13How has Jeremy Corbyn's week gone?
0:06:13 > 0:06:16At first, I think he tried to argue to get the Labour Party
0:06:16 > 0:06:18to vote against, to have a whipped kind of vote.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20But then somebody pointed out,
0:06:20 > 0:06:23really, when it comes to matters of conscience, as it must be
0:06:23 > 0:06:25when you are sending people to war, it has to be a free vote.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26That's how it turned out,
0:06:26 > 0:06:29so he didn't get the Labour MPs behind him necessarily
0:06:29 > 0:06:32and Hilary Benn made a very good speech and some people said,
0:06:32 > 0:06:34"Ooh, Hilary Benn might be a contrast to Jeremy Corbyn.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38"There might be a leadership election at some time, maybe in a year or so."
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- How much do you want? - You've summed it up entirely.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44You have had a bit of a run-in with Hilary, haven't you?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47I was doing a contrast between Tony Benn,
0:06:47 > 0:06:50who made some incredibly powerful anti-war speeches
0:06:50 > 0:06:52in the House of Commons, and Hilary Benn,
0:06:52 > 0:06:56who made a pro-war speech on behalf of a Tory Prime Minister,
0:06:56 > 0:07:02and I merely said that I thought his father would be birling in his grave.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04It's a Scottish idiom, it means a deceased person...
0:07:04 > 0:07:06APPLAUSE
0:07:06 > 0:07:09..would be surprised at that turn of events.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12And I have to say, I think that Tony Benn would be fair astonished.
0:07:12 > 0:07:17To have people running around saying, "Benn - Tory scum," is new.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Really, isn't it? I mean, it's a turnaround.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24That bit wasn't me, just to confirm.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27No, I'm just paraphrasing you.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Who are the two gangs in the Labour rivalry?
0:07:32 > 0:07:35They're called Momentum, which is the Corbynite one,
0:07:35 > 0:07:37and Progress, which is the other.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Like it's The Apprentice!
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Oh, my God, they've given themselves stupid names!
0:07:45 > 0:07:48There's... Look, I've spent a political lifetime
0:07:48 > 0:07:51fighting the Labour Party, but there is a serious side to this.
0:07:51 > 0:07:56The divisions in the Labour Party gave Cameron a much easier time
0:07:56 > 0:07:58on Wednesday than he should've had.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Much of the debate was actually focused about the internal battles
0:08:01 > 0:08:05in the Labour Party, whereas, it should've been focused
0:08:05 > 0:08:10on dismantling what was a threadbare case for bombing in Syria.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12According to one embattled Labour MP...
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Oh, no!
0:08:22 > 0:08:25What did one of Corbyn's most loyal supporters, Diane Abbott,
0:08:25 > 0:08:28do in a Shadow Cabinet meeting?
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Light an Advent candle?
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Dangerous! According to the Sunday Times...
0:08:37 > 0:08:39One source told the Sunday Times...
0:08:48 > 0:08:52What was the former Shadow Education Secretary Tristram Hunt
0:08:52 > 0:08:55doing when the Labour Party arguments all kicked off on Monday?
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- Was he on holiday somewhere? - No, he took to Twitter.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02He was making his feelings very clear on another fairly major issue.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03It was this. He tweeted...
0:09:09 > 0:09:11That's his constituency.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Pizza Express?
0:09:13 > 0:09:17Nigel Farage has been on Jeremy Corbyn's side in this debate,
0:09:17 > 0:09:21but he's also been a stumbling block for him elsewhere.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24- Where was that? - That's the by-election...
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Yesterday's by-election.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Do we know the result yet, tomorrow?
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Political circles are still abuzz at the extraordinary result.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Yeah. I mean, no-one predicted that(!)
0:09:37 > 0:09:39No.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Yes, Farage said of Corbyn...
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Why's that a problem, Nige? Just quit and reappoint yourself.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49But before the debate got going properly,
0:09:49 > 0:09:51what did the Conservatives stick the boot into?
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Jeremy Corbyn?
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Before the debate got going.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Jeremy Corbyn?
0:09:57 > 0:10:01Just before... No, it was the BBC. Do you know why?
0:10:01 > 0:10:04That's the only thing I agree with the Conservatives on.
0:10:04 > 0:10:10The Conservatives were arguing that we should now call Isis "Daesh,"
0:10:10 > 0:10:13which I think we should,
0:10:13 > 0:10:17because that's the mocking acronym that's used in the Arabic world.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21But there are some Conservatives who so want to attack the BBC
0:10:21 > 0:10:24that it's not enough just to say we should all be calling it Daesh,
0:10:24 > 0:10:27but to say, "And the BBC are not calling it Daesh,
0:10:27 > 0:10:30"which proves the BBC is a conspiracy."
0:10:30 > 0:10:33- Terrorist sympathisers. - Terrorist sympathisers.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37The BBC, rigidly, they call it "so-called Islamic State."
0:10:37 > 0:10:38Really confusing for old people
0:10:38 > 0:10:40if they keep just changing the name all the time.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44That's what they say about biscuits, though.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47- Do they keep changing biscuits all the time?- All the time!
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Bastards.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Daesh don't like being called Daesh at all.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56So people think it is going to hurt their feelings?
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- Are we saying it right, Daesh? - Daesh. Yes.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Kind of like what Sean Connery plays backgammon with.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06LAUGHTER
0:11:06 > 0:11:07Daesh.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11Why is a little girl in Australia desperate for the name to change to Daesh?
0:11:11 > 0:11:14- Her name is Isis.- Her name is Isis. Pretty name.- Yes, pretty name.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17She's five years old and Nutella have refused to personalise a jar
0:11:17 > 0:11:20of Nutella for her, like they have with other kids.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Genocide and Pogrom, for example.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Just to cheer us up, let's have a look
0:11:28 > 0:11:30at some slightly better international news.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34This is for match point, I think.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38Look at that lob! Fantastic.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41APPLAUSE
0:11:44 > 0:11:48A British team winning the Davis Cup for the first time since 1936.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51It's a great triumph for British sport, isn't it?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53LAUGHTER
0:11:53 > 0:11:55I have to say, I think...
0:11:55 > 0:11:57APPLAUSE
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Andy Murray and Jamie Murray and...
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Andy and Jamie and...
0:12:03 > 0:12:08So, basically, Dunblane won the Davis Cup.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Yes, a British win, then.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15Shall we remind ourselves of the glory days? There we are.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Cameron doesn't look too pleased, you'd think...
0:12:19 > 0:12:21He's just won Wimbledon, you'd think he'd be delighted.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24That's a rather shady figure behind him in the dark glasses.
0:12:24 > 0:12:25That's my wife.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28What, him?!
0:12:32 > 0:12:33Don't broadcast that.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36This is the news that Britain is now at war
0:12:36 > 0:12:39just a few hundred yards across from where we were already at war.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Dozens of MPs who were initially against airstrikes in Syria
0:12:42 > 0:12:44ended up voting in favour.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48Still, they're not the first people to have changed their minds on the way to Damascus.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Leading Labour's pro-bombing faction was Hilary Benn,
0:12:52 > 0:12:54whose father Tony was president of the Stop the War coalition.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57It just goes to show, if you call your son Hilary,
0:12:57 > 0:12:59he will reject everything you stand for.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03APPLAUSE
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Ian and Sarah, take a look at this.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08I think that's Conservative headquarters.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11- Oh, I see. - There's some young Tories.- I see.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- Aged about 50.- I've got a lanyard!
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Oh, look, it's Michael Green. Oh, no.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24Which one is the one that you swipe if you don't like them on Tinder?
0:13:24 > 0:13:27I'm asking the wrong person!
0:13:27 > 0:13:29It's just Grindr for me!
0:13:31 > 0:13:33APPLAUSE
0:13:33 > 0:13:38They had a horrible situation where a young member of their party
0:13:38 > 0:13:41committed suicide, which was terribly sad.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44- But then, now, afterwards, everybody is blaming everybody else.- Yes.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48This is the young Conservatives, who have been revealed as being ghastly,
0:13:48 > 0:13:51which is a huge shock to everybody, as you can imagine.
0:13:51 > 0:13:57Everybody thought they were nice, moderate, well-balanced young men.
0:13:57 > 0:14:02- And women.- And women. But it's mostly the men who are doing the bullying.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Who is at the centre of this controversy?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06It's a man called Clarke.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Yes. Mark Clarke.
0:14:08 > 0:14:14There are claims that he blackmailed ministers and sexually harassed co-workers.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Allegedly, I have to point out.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Mark Clarke has denied all these allegations.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23What's the name that they're all going by, these young Tories?
0:14:23 > 0:14:25- Tatler Tories.- Do you know why?
0:14:25 > 0:14:28The Tatler predicted that this man Clarke would one day
0:14:28 > 0:14:30- be in the Cabinet.- That's right.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33And the Tatler is well-known for spotting political leaders.
0:14:33 > 0:14:39- Can I just ask you, what is the Tatler?- It's a magazine for knobs.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:44 > 0:14:46They had an article in 2008
0:14:46 > 0:14:50and they picked out ten young Tories who they reckoned were...
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Here we've got a photograph of Mark Clarke,
0:14:54 > 0:14:56that's him second from the left.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Is the woman standing in front of him saying to him,
0:14:58 > 0:15:01"Will you please stop pumping air up my sleeve?"
0:15:04 > 0:15:07She doesn't know what he's doing it with but she knows it's happening.
0:15:09 > 0:15:10SARA: If she's actually just got
0:15:10 > 0:15:13a really, really fat lower arm, you're going to feel awful.
0:15:13 > 0:15:19Is her dad Popeye? She's got an anchor on there. Is her dad Popeye?
0:15:19 > 0:15:24- It'll be on the notes if he is. - It doesn't say.- It can't be her dad.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Oh, Camilla the Sailor Man! You're absolutely right.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31What is Mark Clarke's official role?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33- He organised these road trips... - That's right.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36..of volunteers to drum up support for the Tory party.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Trouble is, it's so low-level.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42It's, literally, young men going around saying,
0:15:42 > 0:15:46"You will never work on the back desk of the assistant Conservative
0:15:46 > 0:15:51"research department ever again." And everyone goes, "Ooh, no!"
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- Do they go very camp when they're doing this?!- They are!
0:15:54 > 0:15:57One of Clarke's techniques is a thing called IIP.
0:15:57 > 0:16:02- Does anybody know what it is? - Intimidate, interrogate...party!
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- You've got to have fun, at the end of the day!- If only.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11- It's his technique for using alcohol to lure women.- You're joking.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12He calls it...
0:16:14 > 0:16:17AUDIENCE GROANS Oh, God! Oh, God.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Doesn't Theresa May stop those people coming into the country now?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Don't we have rules on this?
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Former Tory co-chairman Grant Shapps has had to resign.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Why particularly did he have to resign?
0:16:29 > 0:16:30Well, he was supposedly in charge
0:16:30 > 0:16:33of these young people not bullying each other.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36And there have been calls for Lord Feldman to resign.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38But Grant Shapps had ignored repeated allegations.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41And he was on the coach with them, was he?
0:16:41 > 0:16:44He appointed him in 2014, I think, to run these road trips.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46But he'd ignored all of these allegations
0:16:46 > 0:16:48that had been presented to him.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51- What prompted the resignation? - Was it Tatler again?- No, it's not.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Baroness Warsi, another former chairman of the Tory party,
0:16:54 > 0:16:55she helpfully produced a letter,
0:16:55 > 0:16:59revealing her complaint about Clark to Shapps in January. She said...
0:17:01 > 0:17:03That was the end of her letter,
0:17:03 > 0:17:06- whingeing about something else, though.- Well, when...
0:17:06 > 0:17:07To spread the blame about a bit.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10It wasn't the principle point of her letter,
0:17:10 > 0:17:12which made her case less impressive.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16I see, but she also, she took Mark Clark off the candidates list,
0:17:16 > 0:17:18the A list for candidates,
0:17:18 > 0:17:21and he responded with a smear campaign, in which her called her...
0:17:24 > 0:17:26There's a lot of that going about, isn't there?
0:17:26 > 0:17:30That's where Cameron got his idea, then. From Grant Schnapps!
0:17:30 > 0:17:32- Schnapps?!- Schnapps?!
0:17:34 > 0:17:36I called him Grant Schnapps by mistake once,
0:17:36 > 0:17:38so it's a habit I've got.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Now I'm doing it deliberately.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43There's been an inquiry. What was wrong with that?
0:17:43 > 0:17:47Well, they were going to have an inquiry led by Lord Feldman.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50And given that he was meant to be inquiring into himself...
0:17:50 > 0:17:51"Anything wrong, old boy?"
0:17:51 > 0:17:54"No, not at all." ..that didn't go very far.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58But it should be OK because the brilliantly named Lord Pannick...
0:17:58 > 0:17:59has, er...
0:17:59 > 0:18:01has been put in charge to...
0:18:03 > 0:18:06I would love it if he comes in in his robes, "Argh!"
0:18:08 > 0:18:11And finally, on the subject of political activists, who'd like
0:18:11 > 0:18:15to see an Irish government minister being questioned by an activist in Dublin this week?
0:18:15 > 0:18:18This was Andy Whelan from the Revolutionary Republic News
0:18:18 > 0:18:22questioning Irish Trade Minister Joe Costello over water charges.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Just ignore what they say and just keep on walking...
0:18:25 > 0:18:26How is that fair?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30DING!
0:18:30 > 0:18:31AUDIENCE GROANS
0:18:31 > 0:18:34APPLAUSE
0:18:38 > 0:18:39Let's see it again.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43DING!
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Yes, this is the bullying scandal
0:18:48 > 0:18:50involving Mark Clarke, the Tatler Tory.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53After his behaviour during the 2010 election campaign,
0:18:53 > 0:18:56a lengthy dossier compiled for Tory HQ said of Mark Clarke...
0:19:00 > 0:19:03With a note in the margin adding, "future Cabinet Minister?"
0:19:05 > 0:19:08One of Mark Clarke's colleagues on the 2015 road trip campaign
0:19:08 > 0:19:11was the recently ennobled Baroness Emma Pidding.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15Emma Pidding. I wonder if she's one of the Yorkshire Piddings?
0:19:15 > 0:19:21LAUGHTER
0:19:21 > 0:19:23And so to Round Two, the Strengthometer of News.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the first one.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35- SARA: Oh, brains!- Yes. Buzzer. - Men and women's brains!
0:19:35 > 0:19:39- Buzzer.- Oh! - Ian and Sara.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40Brains?
0:19:40 > 0:19:42LAUGHTER
0:19:42 > 0:19:46- Men and women's brains.- Yes.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Men and women... Men and women all have brains.
0:19:49 > 0:19:50So...
0:19:50 > 0:19:52LAUGHTER
0:19:52 > 0:19:55I was just thinking that your brain didn't
0:19:55 > 0:19:58think about pressing the buzzer and his did, which is very annoying.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- Yes, but my brain did get it right!- Yes!
0:20:01 > 0:20:04This is the story that says that men and women's brains...
0:20:04 > 0:20:06LAUGHTER
0:20:06 > 0:20:08They're essentially the same.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10So Women Are From Mars, Men Are From Venus,
0:20:10 > 0:20:13whatever it was, that was just a book, not true at all.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14The only difference
0:20:14 > 0:20:17is that men can understand buzzers quicker than women.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19LAUGHTER
0:20:19 > 0:20:21That's the only one and it's very tiny.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22A tiny amount.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25According to the Mail, scientists analysed brain scans
0:20:25 > 0:20:28of more than 1,400 men and women and found that...
0:20:38 > 0:20:40LAUGHTER
0:20:40 > 0:20:43What is a male brain and what is a female brain?
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Well, that's the thing. Another thing that's quite sexist
0:20:46 > 0:20:49is that they will say spatial and reasoning - male brain.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52So even the way that they treat brains is very sexist.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55There's an amazing book called The Gender Delusion,
0:20:55 > 0:20:59which is all about sexism in brain studies and it's brilliant.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01What is most prevalent is that they often do these studies,
0:21:01 > 0:21:03find no results and they're not published.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05So for every one that's in the Daily Mail,
0:21:05 > 0:21:08there's 100 that found no difference.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Very interesting.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13APPLAUSE
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Professor Joel, who is the author of the study,
0:21:17 > 0:21:20according to Professor Joel, the study did show that...
0:21:30 > 0:21:33The other interesting thing is, actually, now with gender,
0:21:33 > 0:21:35genitals isn't a sign of someone's gender any more either.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38So, actually, I think this Dr Joel's an idiot!
0:21:38 > 0:21:41And I know he's got a very good qualification
0:21:41 > 0:21:43and I can't use buzzers, but...
0:21:43 > 0:21:45I think she's a female doctor.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49Oh! I was so sexist! I was so sexist! LAUGHTER
0:21:49 > 0:21:55I just assumed it was a man! I'm having a terrible day!
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Yeah, you are.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01In other news, what facial feature might make men more sexist?
0:22:01 > 0:22:04It's going to be something to do with facial hair and testosterone.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06It's a beard. An Australian study this week
0:22:06 > 0:22:08found that men with facial hair were more likely to...
0:22:12 > 0:22:14There was this other theory earlier this year where people said
0:22:14 > 0:22:19that more men were growing beards in response to women wanting more power.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22So that they were asserting, "Ooh, look what I can grow!"
0:22:27 > 0:22:29I can't see much evidence here.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31These people are not cool, trendy people.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:22:33 > 0:22:37I said it in a jokey way! You know what I meant.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40Right, let's get her!
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Not cool and trendy?!
0:22:44 > 0:22:46When the Daily Star covered this story,
0:22:46 > 0:22:49who did they feature to illustrate...
0:22:49 > 0:22:51- As the bearded sexist man? - Yeah.- Corbyn.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56No women in the top of the Shadow Cabinet. It all makes sense!
0:22:56 > 0:22:59No, the newly-bearded Prince Harry
0:22:59 > 0:23:01and, of course, Abu Hamza.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07What fashion trend might help soften the macho bravado of these
0:23:07 > 0:23:10chauvinists at this time of year?
0:23:10 > 0:23:14- The man bun.- The what?- The man bun.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17- What is the man bun?- I didn't wear mine tonight.- Didn't you?
0:23:17 > 0:23:21It's when men have quite a lot of long hair, but they wear it up.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23- Actually, very similar to this. - Like that.- I see.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25And you didn't wear yours tonight, Ian?
0:23:25 > 0:23:28I didn't, no, because I didn't want to, you know,
0:23:28 > 0:23:31make the audience feel uncool and trendy.
0:23:31 > 0:23:32LAUGHTER
0:23:32 > 0:23:37Let's move on from that statement. Ian! I'm on your team!
0:23:37 > 0:23:41The must-have accessory for this Christmas is...glitter beards.
0:23:41 > 0:23:42- Glitter beards?!- Yep.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48On the subject of Christmas, what have five poor student paramedics
0:23:48 > 0:23:50used to make their Christmas tree with this week?
0:23:50 > 0:23:54- Student paramedics? Not bones, or anything like that, is it?- No!
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- It's not body parts?- It's gloves.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03- That's rather good.- Yeah. - Artistic.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05If that was vets, I'd find it very creepy,
0:24:05 > 0:24:09- cos it looks like loads of udders. - Oh, I see what you mean.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12I'm just checking that people don't have that kind of stuff.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15All the hands of undead souls escaping the spirit of Christmas.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19That'd ruin the tree for anybody, if you thought of that.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22This is a scientific study that has discovered
0:24:22 > 0:24:25there are no real differences between male and female brains.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26According to the Daily Mail,
0:24:26 > 0:24:30the male brain tends to withstand pain better than the female brain.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Yes, I remember when my wife was giving birth
0:24:32 > 0:24:35and she squeezed my hand so tightly, I didn't say a word.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41- Is it true you remember your birth? - No, I don't.- You don't?
0:24:41 > 0:24:43No, it's interesting. I vaguely...
0:24:43 > 0:24:46- I reckon I have memories of being in the womb.- Do you?- Yeah.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50I think we probably all do. There's a sort of sensation.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Why would we have memories of you being in the womb?
0:24:53 > 0:24:55You're not that big a personality, that we all grow up thinking,
0:24:55 > 0:24:58"I wonder how that guy Armstrong is doing in the womb?"
0:24:58 > 0:25:00So, what were your memories like, then?
0:25:00 > 0:25:03I just have a vague sort of sensory memory of warmth, you know.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06It's rare in Northumberland, where I'm from.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10No, just sort of a slightly wet, rubbery sort of...
0:25:10 > 0:25:12LAUGHTER
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Do you often have this, Alexander? Does this happen all the time?
0:25:15 > 0:25:18No, I genuinely... There's a sort of sensory memory I have...
0:25:18 > 0:25:21That the inside of your mum is made of wet rubber?
0:25:22 > 0:25:23Yes.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Right. Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30BUZZER
0:25:30 > 0:25:34- Yes?- Golfers are getting confused.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Because Brussels sprouts have become genetically engineered
0:25:37 > 0:25:39to be exactly the same weight and size as a golf ball.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- It's super sprouts. - It is super sprouts.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44It is super sprouts. Nobody knows how to control them.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46A sprout like that could take over the world.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48- These are monster sprouts. - Monster sprouts.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50They grow legs, we're in trouble.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53- Why are they so big? - Because they're massive.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56They're great big buggers and they don't care who knows it.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00There were bitten by a radioactive tortoise and they've grown hugely.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03- Or just a warm August. - A warm August?
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Oh, the most deadly of all foes!
0:26:05 > 0:26:07LAUGHTER
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Who is this bad news for, obviously?
0:26:09 > 0:26:12- Little sprouts. - LAUGHTER
0:26:12 > 0:26:14The runner bean's done a runner! "I'm out of here!"
0:26:14 > 0:26:17- Who's it bad news for?- For children, obviously.- Why is it bad news?
0:26:17 > 0:26:20- Because they don't like sprouts. - They don't have to eat them, then.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Also because these abnormally large sprouts,
0:26:22 > 0:26:26they measure 40 millimetres wide, 45 millimetres long...
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Well, you could cut them up.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33I've got a sprout comparison chart here to make things a bit clearer.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35There we are.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38They're monsters. What do we have to thank?
0:26:38 > 0:26:41- Global warming?- Global warming. According to the Independent...
0:26:46 > 0:26:47Speaking of climate change,
0:26:47 > 0:26:50- how have world leaders been tackling the problem this week?- In Paris.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53They have indeed. They're going to limit global warming,
0:26:53 > 0:26:55if they can, to two degrees centigrade this century.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59So it's pretty much all... all sorted, which is great.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Who was representing Britain there?
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Who was helping to represent Britain, I should say?
0:27:03 > 0:27:06- David Cameron and Prince Charles. - Prince Charles.
0:27:06 > 0:27:07They were both there.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Yes, Prince Charles showing how passionate he is on the issue.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14"I'm going to write you a letter if you're not careful!"
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Apart from climate change, what was Prince Charles worried about?
0:27:17 > 0:27:22- Getting home.- No. He told scientists that he feared for the future...
0:27:24 > 0:27:25He said...
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Your Highness, you had me at "Fourme d'Ambert".
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Jon Snow cancelled a meeting with Prince Charles at the conference,
0:27:43 > 0:27:45what was the reason for that?
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Prince Charles had a 15-page memorandum,
0:27:47 > 0:27:49which he hands to broadcasters, of things you can and cannot do,
0:27:49 > 0:27:51you can and can't ask about. So they said,
0:27:51 > 0:27:54"Well, in that circumstance, we won't interview you, then."
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Absolutely right. Channel 4 described it as...
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Yes, it was a list of questions they couldn't ask.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04"Are you looking forward to anyone dying?"
0:28:07 > 0:28:10And The Sun mocked up Charles as Kim Jong-un.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Who had a heart-warming, historic handshake at the conference?
0:28:19 > 0:28:22Heart-warming, historic.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25It was the Israeli and Palestinian leaders. Netanyahu and Abbas
0:28:25 > 0:28:27shared a handshake. What soured the moment?
0:28:27 > 0:28:30- Occupation of Palestine? - No.
0:28:30 > 0:28:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:34 > 0:28:38Just as the historic moment was happening, the President of Comoros,
0:28:38 > 0:28:41Ikililou Dhoinine, got in the way of the camera,
0:28:41 > 0:28:43so the only official photograph
0:28:43 > 0:28:45of the historic handshake looks like this.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55Time now for the Odd One Out round. Ian and Sarah, your four are...
0:28:55 > 0:28:59Rachel Dolezal, La Bella Principessa,
0:28:59 > 0:29:02Sarah and Zac from DWP and Margaret Thatcher's high heels.
0:29:03 > 0:29:07Well, the only one I really know very much about is Rachel Dolezal.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09She was that woman who said she was black when she's not.
0:29:09 > 0:29:12She's completely of white heritage.
0:29:12 > 0:29:14- So could this be something to do with...- Faking it?
0:29:14 > 0:29:18Cos this is a portrait which is meant to be an Old Master, but
0:29:18 > 0:29:21a man said, "I painted it," um, and it's the face of a girl from Tesco.
0:29:21 > 0:29:24- OK, and these guys?- They're from Department of Work and Pensions.
0:29:24 > 0:29:28Do you remember there was a case when the DWP gave you guidelines
0:29:28 > 0:29:32and they said, "These people, for example, are real-life stories"?
0:29:32 > 0:29:35- And they weren't, they made it up. - So this is to do with faking things.
0:29:35 > 0:29:37- So Margaret Thatcher's shoes are real.- The shoes are real.
0:29:37 > 0:29:39- Accused of being fake. - I bet they're not, though.
0:29:39 > 0:29:41Yes, that's the right answer!
0:29:41 > 0:29:45APPLAUSE
0:29:45 > 0:29:49They're all false identities, apart from Maggie Thatcher's high heels,
0:29:49 > 0:29:51which were involved in a case of mistaken identity.
0:29:51 > 0:29:53They were mistaken for high-grade weapons.
0:29:55 > 0:29:57- Who by? When, where? - Well, by Russian security.
0:29:57 > 0:30:01She'd been in Russia and she went to some funeral and it was so cold,
0:30:01 > 0:30:03they lent her some boots and fur coat,
0:30:03 > 0:30:05or something like that, for her to wear
0:30:05 > 0:30:09and her high heels were then put in the pockets of her security detail
0:30:09 > 0:30:13and the Russian security thought they were packing some kind of heat.
0:30:13 > 0:30:15She went to Russia without a coat?
0:30:17 > 0:30:19That seems to be the long and the short of it, yes.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21Was there no Foreign Office report
0:30:21 > 0:30:23that it was cold that time of year in Russia?
0:30:23 > 0:30:26- What else has Lady Thatcher been up to this week?- Not much.
0:30:26 > 0:30:28Well...
0:30:28 > 0:30:31she was voted the most influential woman of all time
0:30:31 > 0:30:35and the most influential women in Scottish politics for 200 years.
0:30:36 > 0:30:38How has Nicola taken that news, I wonder?
0:30:38 > 0:30:42She was the most influential woman in Scottish politics
0:30:42 > 0:30:45because she drove Scotland towards independence, that's why.
0:30:45 > 0:30:48- Nicola was delighted, of course.- I never expected that as an answer(!)
0:30:48 > 0:30:52So La Bella Principessa, you were absolutely right.
0:30:52 > 0:30:54- It's the Co-op, rather than Tesco. - Oh, is it?
0:30:54 > 0:30:57Well, I'm not paid by them, so for me, it's Tesco.
0:30:59 > 0:31:01Convicted forger Shaun Greenhalgh
0:31:01 > 0:31:04claimed that he, rather than Leonardo da Vinci,
0:31:04 > 0:31:07- had painted La Bella Principessa. - It's beautiful, isn't it?
0:31:07 > 0:31:10The painting has been valued at £100 million, plus 5p for the bag.
0:31:13 > 0:31:15Greenhalgh claimed that it was...
0:31:18 > 0:31:19Shaun said...
0:31:23 > 0:31:25She's been painted by Leonardo da Vinci.
0:31:25 > 0:31:30- It's going to go to someone's head. - Sarah and Zac, you got that.
0:31:30 > 0:31:31Zac and Sarah.
0:31:31 > 0:31:34I thought you'd forgotten Ian's name then, for a second.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38- Is that your nickname? - Yeah, I'm mostly known as Zac.
0:31:40 > 0:31:43They appeared as case studies on leaflets
0:31:43 > 0:31:45produced by the Department of Work and Pensions,
0:31:45 > 0:31:48talking about the positive experiences of the welfare system.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51Rachel Dolezal, American civil rights activist
0:31:51 > 0:31:53and university lecturer stepped down earlier this year
0:31:53 > 0:31:56as president of the chapter of the...
0:31:58 > 0:32:00..after admitting she was actually white.
0:32:00 > 0:32:03- How was her false identity blown? - Her parents.- Absolutely right, yeah.
0:32:03 > 0:32:07- They were a bit cross. - They gave an interview and they revealed that Rachel had...
0:32:13 > 0:32:15How did Rachel respond to her parents?
0:32:15 > 0:32:18- Slammed the door and ran out of her bedroom?- Pretty much. She said...
0:32:22 > 0:32:23That's what happens.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26Staying with fake identities, also this week,
0:32:26 > 0:32:29a robbery was carried out by two crooks wearing panda onesies.
0:32:31 > 0:32:35The thieves held up a newsagent's and demanded cash from the till.
0:32:35 > 0:32:39Ching Ching...was waiting outside in the getaway car.
0:32:41 > 0:32:44The robbery went smoothly until the pandas saw the sign
0:32:44 > 0:32:46on the newsagent's door, saying, "No more than two children,"
0:32:46 > 0:32:50at which point the pandas looked at each other and burst into tears.
0:32:52 > 0:32:55- That's sad. That's sad. - Paul and Alex, here are yours.
0:32:55 > 0:32:57Farmer Ben Fletch's sweet potato,
0:32:57 > 0:33:02Geminoid F, Kellogg's Corn Flakes and John Prescott's office.
0:33:02 > 0:33:06- I think this is about sex, basically.- Sex?
0:33:06 > 0:33:09Yeah, cos Geminoid F is a sex robot.
0:33:09 > 0:33:11I've heard, I've been told...
0:33:12 > 0:33:15I read somewhere, I saw it on television, something like that.
0:33:15 > 0:33:17Farmer Ben Fletch,
0:33:17 > 0:33:22he's the farmer who keeps unearthing sensuous potatoes.
0:33:22 > 0:33:24- Sensuous potatoes? - Sensuously shaped.
0:33:24 > 0:33:28Your knowledge about this is disturbingly...thorough.
0:33:28 > 0:33:33And I think the office is where John Prescott had sex.
0:33:33 > 0:33:34With that lampshade?
0:33:34 > 0:33:37With a lampshade! With a lampshade.
0:33:40 > 0:33:43And it was revealed that Kellogg,
0:33:43 > 0:33:46the originator of Corn Flakes, was anti-sex.
0:33:46 > 0:33:49People had Corn Flakes in the morning instead of having sex.
0:33:49 > 0:33:54Therefore, all the other three are about sex except Corn Flakes.
0:33:54 > 0:33:55I suggest it's Corn Flakes.
0:33:55 > 0:33:57You've... That was amazing.
0:33:57 > 0:34:01APPLAUSE
0:34:01 > 0:34:04- SARA: It's like watching a Scottish Columbo.- Wasn't it?
0:34:04 > 0:34:09He went through each of the facts one by one. "I deduce!" It was brilliant!
0:34:09 > 0:34:11ALEX: If you wait long enough in a programme,
0:34:11 > 0:34:13you get onto your specialist subject.
0:34:13 > 0:34:15SARA: Sensual potatoes!
0:34:15 > 0:34:19APPLAUSE
0:34:19 > 0:34:21Dr John Harvey Kellogg and his brother Will
0:34:21 > 0:34:24came up with the Corn Flake recipe as they believed that
0:34:24 > 0:34:28plainer foods helped "cleanse the body and mind" of erotic desires.
0:34:28 > 0:34:30Though there was an unfortunate misunderstanding
0:34:30 > 0:34:31early in the marketing process
0:34:31 > 0:34:35when he asked a designer to put a massive cock on the cereal packet.
0:34:39 > 0:34:42What was Dr Kellogg's novel approach to eating yoghurt?
0:34:42 > 0:34:44- Did you hear about that?- No.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47He believed that after administering your morning enema,
0:34:47 > 0:34:48a pint of yogurt should be consumed...
0:34:53 > 0:34:55Hence the expression, "Mmm, Danone!"
0:35:03 > 0:35:05You're absolutely right about Ben Fletch as well.
0:35:05 > 0:35:08He found a sweet potato so sexy, he couldn't bring himself to eat it.
0:35:08 > 0:35:11What was so sexy about this vegetable?
0:35:11 > 0:35:13Boobies? Did it have boobies on it?
0:35:13 > 0:35:15No. According to the Mirror, it bore...
0:35:18 > 0:35:19There it is.
0:35:23 > 0:35:25What did Fletch do with it instead?
0:35:25 > 0:35:27Did he give it a good forking?
0:35:27 > 0:35:28He told reporters...
0:35:31 > 0:35:33Threw it away!
0:35:33 > 0:35:35It's in his special drawer in the shed.
0:35:37 > 0:35:39According to The Sun, John Prescott's government office
0:35:39 > 0:35:42was destroyed this summer to stop officials being distracted
0:35:42 > 0:35:44by thoughts of the former Deputy PM's romps.
0:35:44 > 0:35:46But, to be honest, the sofa they used
0:35:46 > 0:35:48was pretty much destroyed at the time.
0:35:50 > 0:35:51John Prescott told the press...
0:35:55 > 0:35:58And then they found out about his affair!
0:35:59 > 0:36:03Geminoid F. It's not a sex robot. It's just a robot.
0:36:03 > 0:36:05Yes, where does this sex robot come in?
0:36:05 > 0:36:09It was a wild guess, I've got no specialist knowledge of this.
0:36:09 > 0:36:11Here she is.
0:36:11 > 0:36:15# Happy birthday to you
0:36:15 > 0:36:21# Happy birthday to you! #
0:36:23 > 0:36:26- What's meant to be sexy about that?! - It's been dubbed...
0:36:28 > 0:36:31- But who voted it the world's sexiest robot?- People!
0:36:33 > 0:36:35In other sexy inanimate object news,
0:36:35 > 0:36:41what's the criticism of a new German building called The Domesticator?
0:36:41 > 0:36:44The way the sunlight hits it at around about three o'clock
0:36:44 > 0:36:46in the afternoon beams into the back of people's brains
0:36:46 > 0:36:48and they have orgasms.
0:36:48 > 0:36:50- Oh, lovely. - Great news for the people of Berlin.
0:36:50 > 0:36:52Let's have a look at The Domesticator.
0:36:59 > 0:37:01- ALEX: You were close. - I don't get it.
0:37:04 > 0:37:07When Lego goes wrong. I was nearer than I thought.
0:37:07 > 0:37:10LEGO-ver!
0:37:10 > 0:37:13Time now for the Missing Words Round, which this week features,
0:37:13 > 0:37:14as its guest publication...
0:37:14 > 0:37:18Pest. The independent UK pest management magazine.
0:37:18 > 0:37:19And we start with...
0:37:21 > 0:37:23ALEX: Reverse charges.
0:37:27 > 0:37:28No. It's...
0:37:30 > 0:37:31Oh, yes!
0:37:31 > 0:37:34President Erdogan of Turkey is prosecuting someone
0:37:34 > 0:37:36who claimed he looks like Gollum.
0:37:39 > 0:37:41And that is the case for the prosecution!
0:37:41 > 0:37:43Next...
0:37:48 > 0:37:49Flicking the V sign?
0:37:49 > 0:37:52This is a young lad who wouldn't be in the Christmas card,
0:37:52 > 0:37:56so they went ahead and he's about six feet away, looking very upset.
0:38:00 > 0:38:03Australian Labour politician Andrew Leigh's family Christmas card
0:38:03 > 0:38:05went viral this week after one of his kids
0:38:05 > 0:38:07was featured on the card, sulking.
0:38:13 > 0:38:14Next...
0:38:17 > 0:38:20Tried to chat up sex robot with sexy potato.
0:38:21 > 0:38:22Fancy a spud?
0:38:23 > 0:38:27To conceal his wealth after he left office,
0:38:27 > 0:38:30mostly in offshore funds in strange tax havens
0:38:30 > 0:38:33and, essentially, he was really dire.
0:38:35 > 0:38:37- Stand-up comedy.- Absolutely right.
0:38:40 > 0:38:43- Tony Blair said in an interview this week...- At least only he died.
0:38:46 > 0:38:49APPLAUSE
0:38:49 > 0:38:52Tony Blair said in an interview this week
0:38:52 > 0:38:54that his attempts at being a comedian were truly dire.
0:38:54 > 0:38:56According to The Guardian, Blair said...
0:38:59 > 0:39:01Quite right. If it doesn't go well,
0:39:01 > 0:39:03you can just order another dossier of material.
0:39:04 > 0:39:05Next...
0:39:09 > 0:39:11Infested with squirrels.
0:39:11 > 0:39:14I'm thinking like a tabloid news headline writer.
0:39:14 > 0:39:17- This is a screaming building, isn't it?- It is.- A screaming building?
0:39:17 > 0:39:21Yeah, it sways in the wind and makes a high-pitched sound.
0:39:21 > 0:39:23You're absolutely right.
0:39:25 > 0:39:28This is the Beetham Tower in Manchester which,
0:39:28 > 0:39:30every time the wind picks up, won't stop screaming.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33Sounds annoying, but next week it's hosting Loose Women.
0:39:33 > 0:39:35Let's have a listen.
0:39:35 > 0:39:37METALLIC DRONING
0:39:43 > 0:39:46That's OK. That's like a symphony. What are they complaining about?
0:39:46 > 0:39:51- A slightly dull symphony but, yeah. - It's cos it sounds like bagpipes.
0:39:53 > 0:39:54And finally...
0:40:02 > 0:40:03Only reader.
0:40:07 > 0:40:09Guess how many cockroaches are in the picture.
0:40:11 > 0:40:14This is...a blank autocue.
0:40:14 > 0:40:17LAUGHTER
0:40:17 > 0:40:19- For a minute there, you'll have to rely on raw talent.- Oh, no.
0:40:19 > 0:40:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:25 > 0:40:27Perish the thought. The final scores are...
0:40:27 > 0:40:30Ian and Sara, 6, but Paul and Alex running away with 10.
0:40:30 > 0:40:35APPLAUSE
0:40:35 > 0:40:39But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:40:39 > 0:40:40SARA: Oh, no!
0:40:40 > 0:40:41Potato found in green park.
0:40:44 > 0:40:46On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:40:46 > 0:40:50Ian Hislop and Sara Pascoe, Paul Merton and Alex Salmond MSP MP.
0:40:50 > 0:40:53And I leave you with news that, as a new training course begins,
0:40:53 > 0:40:56it's clear Operation Yewtree has taken its toll.
0:41:02 > 0:41:04In Japan, as the recession worsens,
0:41:04 > 0:41:07a robot servant is told he's going to have to be let go.
0:41:13 > 0:41:16And, after repeated public criticism of his leadership,
0:41:16 > 0:41:19Jeremy Corbyn, along with members of the Left Unity Group,
0:41:19 > 0:41:22make their way to Hilary Benn's house for clear-the-air talks.
0:41:27 > 0:41:28Goodnight!