0:00:23 > 0:00:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43I'm Tracey Ullman.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46In the news this week, producers on BBC Breakfast deny that
0:00:46 > 0:00:50the move to Salford has affected the quality of the guests.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59As fears grow about North Korea's nuclear capability,
0:00:59 > 0:01:00there is evidence that they could
0:01:00 > 0:01:04handle their volatile uranium isotopes more carefully.
0:01:08 > 0:01:13And the Labour Party Rambling Club regret letting Jeremy Corbyn
0:01:13 > 0:01:15and John McDonnell organise the team photo.
0:01:31 > 0:01:36On Ian's team tonight is a BBC newsreader and journalist who says
0:01:36 > 0:01:41the skill he'd most like to have is to be able to plaster a large wall.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43And if he can acquire that skill,
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Donald Trump's got just the job for him.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Please welcome Clive Myrie.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52APPLAUSE
0:01:54 > 0:01:57And with Paul tonight is a broadcaster and cleric who
0:01:57 > 0:02:01recently said he'd spent more on drugs than a vicar should,
0:02:01 > 0:02:03although he only realised that
0:02:03 > 0:02:06when the Archdeacon queried his expenses claim.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Please welcome the Reverend Richard Coles.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13APPLAUSE
0:02:13 > 0:02:16And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20Ian and Clive, take a look at this.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- Mr Whittingdale.- Be very careful.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27There's someone taking something off. Modern newspapers.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31And it says, shock horror, he's flabbergasted, that man.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Well, this is the story that nobody wanted to run -
0:02:36 > 0:02:37about John Whittingdale,
0:02:37 > 0:02:42who is the Secretary of State for Culture, Media, Sport.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44- Minister of Fun. - Minister of Fun!
0:02:49 > 0:02:51I sense you're treading carefully here.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Four newspapers had the story about a Tory MP
0:02:57 > 0:03:00and a prostitute who works in a dungeon.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04And we've had the hysterical sight this week of lots of tabloid
0:03:04 > 0:03:07editors saying, "Yeah, we're not interested in this story.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11"It's not the sort of story we run, Tory MP, prostitute,
0:03:11 > 0:03:14"she's a dominatrix. It is of no interest to us."
0:03:14 > 0:03:15Yeah.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19There was... There was a really quick spark between the two of them
0:03:19 > 0:03:21when they met, apparently.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23They met on Match.com.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Yeah, yeah... Wow, God...
0:03:27 > 0:03:29I work for the BBC. What can I say?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Yeah, well,
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- you can say very little about this story.- This is the news...
0:03:34 > 0:03:38So how did the story come into the public consciousness, then?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Well, the story was going around,
0:03:40 > 0:03:43and lots of newspapers investigated it, spent a huge amount of money
0:03:43 > 0:03:45and resources and then they decided it wasn't for them.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49Then it started appearing online, and then some stupid magazine
0:03:49 > 0:03:52decided it's time to publish it in print.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54We suggested that perhaps the public might like to know why
0:03:54 > 0:03:56this story wasn't appearing.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59And we suggested that the reason the story wasn't appearing
0:03:59 > 0:04:03is, this is the man in charge of newspapers.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06He's in charge of press regulation, he was chair of the Select
0:04:06 > 0:04:12Committee for Culture and Media and Sport, and Minister for Fun!
0:04:12 > 0:04:17And the story started when he took this prostitute - or sex worker,
0:04:17 > 0:04:21as we now say - or dominatrix.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Or Miss Spanky.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27You see, I'm trying to be responsible here,
0:04:27 > 0:04:29and you're going all tabloid.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32I'm just quoting from the card in the telephone box.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40- Don't you think that "sex worker" lacks music?- Yes.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43She can play the trombone.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45It's an extra tenner.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50It sounds to me like she's in the Village People or something.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52It's a bit kind of gruff, isn't it?
0:04:52 > 0:04:54I just thought, I don't know,
0:04:54 > 0:04:56"Magdalene" - perhaps something like that would be better.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- Romantic liaison officer? - Well, something like that.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02To be fair to the press, they have made it clear that they don't
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- do kiss-and-tell stories any more. - No.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06They've learned their lesson from Leveson.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Except during the period they had the Whittingdale story,
0:05:09 > 0:05:12they ran stories about Brooks Newmark,
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Tory MP you'd never heard of, Simon Danczuk -
0:05:14 > 0:05:18every single jot and tittle of his sex life, they ran in full.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22They ran the Labour peer, his sex life, prostitute, the whole thing.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Except, in the case of the man who's in charge of regulating
0:05:25 > 0:05:27the press and beating up the BBC,
0:05:27 > 0:05:30"Oh, we don't run that sort of story.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32"We only run the stories about everyone else."
0:05:32 > 0:05:34APPLAUSE
0:05:36 > 0:05:39His affair with the dominatrix lasted for six months,
0:05:39 > 0:05:42until he broke it off when he found out about her occupation,
0:05:42 > 0:05:44and the revelation was covered in the Daily Telegraph...
0:05:51 > 0:05:53It's so close, isn't it?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Has his relationship with the dominatrix put
0:05:55 > 0:05:58John Whittingdale in a compromising position?
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Well, we don't know, do we?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Not now, no.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07Wasn't there some issue about him having taken her to the MTV Awards
0:06:07 > 0:06:10and not having declared it fully on the MPs' Register of Interests?
0:06:10 > 0:06:14Yes, he did take this lady to the MTV Awards
0:06:14 > 0:06:17and he didn't declare it on the register, and he now says it was...
0:06:17 > 0:06:19It might have just because it was the MTV Awards.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22You wouldn't want to own up to that, particularly, would you?
0:06:22 > 0:06:25What has Downing Street had to say on the matter?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Downing Street can't say much about transparency at the moment, can it?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30They probably said today it was a private matter.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33In about a week's time, they'll be saying something else.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36I just really want to see her tax returns.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42..they're saying,
0:06:42 > 0:06:46and thanks for distracting attention away from all that tax stuff.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50Which story is the press more interested in publishing, but can't?
0:06:50 > 0:06:53They are very interested in that celebrity couple and the threesome.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- Yes.- Yeah!- But that's a story of huge national interest.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58But you see, that's the point.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00The point is, with the Whittingdale story,
0:07:00 > 0:07:02there's only two people involved.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06That's why they're not running it.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Do you want to name the people under the injunction? Go on.
0:07:09 > 0:07:14- You can do that.- No, I think it would be better coming from you.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- It would have more authority. - It would have a lot more authority.
0:07:17 > 0:07:18People would like it. Go on!
0:07:20 > 0:07:23We don't know who they are, though in certain parts of the
0:07:23 > 0:07:29United Kingdom, the name has been revealed, which suggests...
0:07:29 > 0:07:30Scotland.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32We are allowed to say the word Scotland.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35In Scotland.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38You're right, their names have been published in America, Canada,
0:07:38 > 0:07:42by a newspaper in Scotland and by a political blogger in Ireland.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44So, one of the people involved in the scandal,
0:07:44 > 0:07:46who is trying to sell his story,
0:07:46 > 0:07:50well, he was furious that he wasn't allowed to talk about it, saying...
0:07:50 > 0:07:53BLEEP
0:07:53 > 0:07:55But I mean, it would be interesting to find out,
0:07:55 > 0:07:57cos obviously, we're not going to say anything about it,
0:07:57 > 0:08:00but it would be interesting to ask the audience if they know.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Not say out loud, but just put your hand up
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- if you know who we're talking about. - Whoa!- That's virtually everybody.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07- It's Ryan Giggs. - LAUGHTER
0:08:07 > 0:08:09What, potentially, would be the punishment
0:08:09 > 0:08:11for breaking this injunction at this point?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- I think you'd be guilty of contempt of court.- Right.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17And you'd be breaking an injunction. That's a pretty serious charge.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- You'd go to jail.- Those of us who have been guilty of it before...
0:08:20 > 0:08:23- LAUGHTER - ..are pretty damn wary.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25You know this subject very well.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29We'll get this story eventually and everyone will go, "Oh.
0:08:29 > 0:08:34"Oh, is it them? Oh, I thought they might be doing that."
0:08:34 > 0:08:35I did.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Well, as you said...
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Are we thinking of the same people?
0:08:42 > 0:08:46How is the House of Commons Speaker John Bercow involved?
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Last time, there were super-injunctions
0:08:48 > 0:08:51and injunctions with famous people,
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Members of the House of Parliament got round it
0:08:53 > 0:08:57by just shouting out the names in the middle of debates.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59So you were having a debate about, I don't know,
0:08:59 > 0:09:03International Women's Day or fiscal attitudes to the United States
0:09:03 > 0:09:05and you'd shout, "Ryan Giggs!"
0:09:07 > 0:09:10And everyone thought was very funny. And it was privileged.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13But this time he said, "Everyone is going to behave,
0:09:13 > 0:09:15"I'm not going to have people being silly
0:09:15 > 0:09:18"and just shouting out the names of the celebrities."
0:09:18 > 0:09:21So, he's, as ever, rather ruined the fun.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26The Archbishop of Canterbury - friend of yours?
0:09:26 > 0:09:28- Well, yes.- Yes.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- You could hardly say he was your arch-enemy, could you?- Not really.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Had his own bit of a scandal this week, didn't he, Richard,
0:09:34 > 0:09:37when it was revealed his father wasn't who he thought he was?
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Not really a scandal, but it did raise an interesting technicality,
0:09:40 > 0:09:47because up until 1950, if you were, to use a rather un-nuanced word,
0:09:47 > 0:09:52a bastard, meaning someone born illegitimately,
0:09:52 > 0:09:54you couldn't be ordained,
0:09:54 > 0:09:56and thus you couldn't have been the Archbishop of Canterbury.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Of course he's not the first bishop to have been thought a bastard
0:09:59 > 0:10:02by his clergy, but I couldn't possibly say any more about that.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04But this was a story which the Daily Telegraph -
0:10:04 > 0:10:07having lectured everyone else about sleaziness -
0:10:07 > 0:10:09went in full steam ahead.
0:10:09 > 0:10:14"Yeah, Archbishop's mum, bit of a slapper! Let's get the details.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16"She was pissed all the time, apparently. Legless!"
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Well, we know the stories about the Archbishop and the actress,
0:10:19 > 0:10:22we've heard them over the years. They were based on fact.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24But he came out of it very well, I thought.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25He came out of it beautifully.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28He said a very beautiful, gracious, generous statement,
0:10:28 > 0:10:30and so did she, and we kind of move on.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32And if that can rescue my ecclesiastical career,
0:10:32 > 0:10:34good luck to it.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38What hasn't helped Ukip's Scottish election campaign?
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Oh, putting up candidates is always a mistake.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Letting people know that they were there.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45I don't know, what is it?
0:10:45 > 0:10:49Ukip activist Jack Neill posted a picture of himself on Facebook.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Let's have a look.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS Yeah.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Now... But, hang on, hang on,
0:10:56 > 0:10:59there's a perfectly good explanation, as usual, with Ukip.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03- LAUGHTER - Is he the Culture Secretary?
0:11:03 > 0:11:04Just to be clear, he's not a black man
0:11:04 > 0:11:07that's whited up from the neck down, is he? Let's just be clear.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11I don't want to jump to conclusions. It could be a trick photo.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12I don't think so.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15No, Mr Jack Jardine, Mr Neill's colleague,
0:11:15 > 0:11:18has said - he's the Ukip candidate in Scotland - he said...
0:11:21 > 0:11:24LAUGHTER
0:11:32 > 0:11:36- That's the best I've ever heard. - Yeah.- Easily.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40There's a huge spot on his nose, by the look of it.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44There might be some credence to his story.
0:11:44 > 0:11:49Anyone want to see how another scandal was broadcast by mistake,
0:11:49 > 0:11:55thanks to Scottish Lib Dem leader, whatever his name is?
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Here he is, being interviewed on BBC Scotland.
0:11:58 > 0:12:03We like to organise our visits to send a message in pictorial terms,
0:12:03 > 0:12:04exactly what we're asking for,
0:12:04 > 0:12:06and I think this does it very well today.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Well, finally, let's return to where this all began -
0:12:11 > 0:12:15the BBC's Newsnight presenter Evan Davis seems to have knowledge
0:12:15 > 0:12:18of yet another MP's intimate details.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21And a little earlier, I spoke to the Shadow Foreign Secretary,
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Hilary Big Benn.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31APPLAUSE
0:12:31 > 0:12:33- Good, that.- Yeah. - You're laughing now.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36- Have you ever made a slip like that, Clive?- I have.- You have?
0:12:36 > 0:12:38- What have you said? - I can't tell you.- You can't tell...
0:12:38 > 0:12:41- I knew this was going to happen. - Hold on,
0:12:41 > 0:12:43let's have a look at you in action on the BBC News Channel
0:12:43 > 0:12:45last December.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46It's after the watershed.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49You cannot be a dickhead and win the Sports Personality of the Year.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Thank you, Clive.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55APPLAUSE
0:12:55 > 0:12:57- What were you talking about? - Yeah, who was it?
0:12:57 > 0:13:01- I was talking about the boxer Tyson Fury...- That's right.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05..and I was not referring to him, specifically,
0:13:05 > 0:13:07out of my own mouth, as a...
0:13:07 > 0:13:10- No, cos he'd come and hit you. - CLIVE SPEAKS FRENCH
0:13:10 > 0:13:12It's French for dickhead.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15HE SPEAKS FRENCH
0:13:15 > 0:13:18I was saying that there may be people out there who had
0:13:18 > 0:13:22signed a petition on that particular day, who feel...
0:13:22 > 0:13:24who felt that his comments, concerning homosexuals
0:13:24 > 0:13:28and women and so on and so forth, warranted the label...
0:13:28 > 0:13:30HE SPEAKS FRENCH
0:13:30 > 0:13:33So I didn't actually call him...
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Oh, yes, you did! Come on, Clive.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39We all know he's a dickhead. He is. Don't worry about it.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- I'll call him a dickhead.- But, the thing is, after all this blew up,
0:13:42 > 0:13:44my brother-in-law, he says to me, he says,
0:13:44 > 0:13:48"Clive, if you actually fought him in the ring, he'd beat you."
0:13:48 > 0:13:50As if that's a revelation to me.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55I mean, you know, the guy eats raw eggs, he runs 300 miles a day,
0:13:55 > 0:13:57and he's the boxing champion of the world.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59I read out aloud for a living.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03"Hello, here's the news..."
0:14:03 > 0:14:06APPLAUSE
0:14:06 > 0:14:08It wouldn't work. It wouldn't work.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13This is the sensational news story about the Government minister
0:14:13 > 0:14:16having sex with a woman who turned out to be a prostitute.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Whilst it's true that Culture Secretary John Whittingdale
0:14:19 > 0:14:22did go out with a dominatrix, we should make it clear
0:14:22 > 0:14:23that he did absolutely nothing wrong
0:14:23 > 0:14:27apart from when he'd been a very, very bad boy.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34The story was finally revealed on Newsnight
0:14:34 > 0:14:38because the BBC prides itself on exposing sleaze -
0:14:38 > 0:14:39unless, of course,
0:14:39 > 0:14:41that sleaze happened in Television Centre in the '70s.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45- GROANING AND LAUGHTER - Ouch. Ouch.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49After the tabloids published the story, Labour complained that...
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Some people would have paid 50 quid extra for that.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Hacked Off has been accused of hypocrisy for suggesting
0:15:04 > 0:15:07that one rule should apply to the likes of Hugh Grant
0:15:07 > 0:15:09and another to John Whittingdale.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11I'm not sure whose side I'm on,
0:15:11 > 0:15:13but I will say this for Hugh Grant -
0:15:13 > 0:15:16at least he knows a prostitute when he sees one.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25- Oh, dear.- I suppose that's a kind of compliment, isn't it?
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Yeah!
0:15:28 > 0:15:32- Paul and Richard, please take a look at this.- Yeah.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34There's David Cameron there, filling out his tax form.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Boris Brexiting his breeks.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Yes, going for the working-class vote there.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40And what the hell's going on?
0:15:40 > 0:15:43LAUGHTER
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- Cracks - wallpaper. - "Where's your husband, Mrs Roberts?"
0:15:46 > 0:15:48"Shoosh, he's behind the bunker."
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Well, this is, of course, a continuing row about tax
0:15:51 > 0:15:52and personal wealth,
0:15:52 > 0:15:57and why are so many Conservative MPs just furious with David Cameron?
0:15:57 > 0:15:58He published his tax return,
0:15:58 > 0:16:01and now they all feel they've got to pile in with their tax returns.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03So we discover that Boris earned, I think,
0:16:03 > 0:16:06it was 600-and-something thousand pounds a couple of years ago,
0:16:06 > 0:16:09and he paid tax on it, so no story there,
0:16:09 > 0:16:12but that's kind of interesting. George Osborne has published his
0:16:12 > 0:16:14and I think Jeremy Corbyn has had to publish his, too.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16The Tory MPs, they're probably worried
0:16:16 > 0:16:17because it will set a precedent now
0:16:17 > 0:16:20and whoever is going to be the next leader sometime down the line
0:16:20 > 0:16:23after Cameron will also have to do this thing.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25It's like holding them hostages to fortune,
0:16:25 > 0:16:27- I think, is the complaint. - But isn't that why Boris did it,
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- because he thinks is going to be the next leader?- Oh, yeah.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33I think he partly did it just to show how much he earns!
0:16:34 > 0:16:37He does seem to have an awful lot of jobs.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Member of Parliament, Mayor of London, columnist in this and that.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Telegraph. Writer of books.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47And he still finds time for all of his extracurricular...activities.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50- Allegedly.- No.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:57 > 0:16:59But, George Osborne, he earned, what?
0:16:59 > 0:17:00Close to £200,000, I think,
0:17:00 > 0:17:04and yet he only got £3 in interest from his bank.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06- Really?- Apparently.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Are you suggesting he's not very good with figures?
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Cos there's been very little evidence of that
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- in the last eight years(!) - If the hat fits...
0:17:14 > 0:17:16But, then, of course, everyone piled in on Jeremy Corbyn.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18I saw a story that he had...
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Somehow it was presented as if he had somehow screwed
0:17:20 > 0:17:22the National Exchequer out of three million quid,
0:17:22 > 0:17:24which was simply his wages for being an MP
0:17:24 > 0:17:26and his pension entitlement.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Not as if he's kind of stamped the faces of the poor
0:17:28 > 0:17:30in order to get it.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34No, it's a typical parochial distraction -
0:17:34 > 0:17:36we spend the whole week looking at people's tax returns.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40Whereas the story about Panama was, how do we stop the world's
0:17:40 > 0:17:43rich, bent money launderers, crooks and despots hiding all their money?
0:17:43 > 0:17:48Do you know, I love that company name in Panama, the Mossack Fonseca.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50It sounds like a liqueur, doesn't it?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Oh, we'll have that at Christmas.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56I like a nice glass of the Mossack Fonseca, it's marvellous.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00You bite into the chocolate. It's a weird name to me.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03The Daily Mail was also furious with David Cameron this week.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05This was on the front page on Monday...
0:18:13 > 0:18:17Yeah, this was from the Daily Mail, proprietor Lord Rothermere,
0:18:17 > 0:18:20who inherited it from Lord Rothermere.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22He's quite keen on inheritance.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24And the present Lord Rothermere is non-dom, I believe.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26- Yes, he inherited the status.- Yeah.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28A small island somewhere...
0:18:28 > 0:18:31But I think it's rather unfair to the Mail,
0:18:31 > 0:18:34because, you know, the Telegraph is owned by the Barclay brothers,
0:18:34 > 0:18:36who live offshore in the Channel Islands.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40Erm, you know, they are all fairly similar.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42The Sun is owned by Rupert Murdoch -
0:18:42 > 0:18:45he moved to America to change his tax status.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48I mean, take your pick, really...
0:18:48 > 0:18:49or don't.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Read something unbiased.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Jeremy Corbyn had an unlikely ally this week.
0:18:57 > 0:18:58Do you know who that was?
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Jacob Rees-Mogg.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04David Cameron.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06- Erm...- You did say unlikely.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09- No.- Well, he did say... He said... He did say, "I'm pleased...
0:19:09 > 0:19:13"I don't agree with Mr Corbyn on many things, but I'm glad to see
0:19:13 > 0:19:15"that he has come out in support of staying in Europe."
0:19:15 > 0:19:16- No.- Not him? No?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18No, Paul, it was Danny DeVito.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21SHE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
0:19:21 > 0:19:23That was my second guess!
0:19:23 > 0:19:26He told the Press Association that he's a big-time
0:19:26 > 0:19:27supporter of Jeremy Corbyn,
0:19:27 > 0:19:30who was the best leader that Labour have had in years, adding...
0:19:30 > 0:19:33AS DANNY DEVITO:
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Danny DeVito also said...
0:19:42 > 0:19:46OK, Danny, a lot of your films were a bit shit.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50APPLAUSE
0:19:53 > 0:19:55There was a furious clash at Prime Minister's Question Time,
0:19:55 > 0:19:59- did you see that? - Yeah.- Where Corbyn made a joke.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03It was quite good. Don't laugh!
0:20:03 > 0:20:04No, nobody did, but...
0:20:06 > 0:20:08- But they did laugh at Dennis Skinner.- Yes.
0:20:08 > 0:20:13He made a characteristically salty intervention, didn't he? Dodgy Dave.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16- Yeah.- And then he got told off by John Bercow, who made him go
0:20:16 > 0:20:18and sit on the naughty step, didn't he, and calm down?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20"You're not allowed to call the Prime Minister dodgy."
0:20:20 > 0:20:23- No.- Good grief. - Parliamentary convention is
0:20:23 > 0:20:24that you can't call into question
0:20:24 > 0:20:27the honour of a Member of Parliament, apparently.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Imagine that!
0:20:29 > 0:20:31We're not allowed to show the workings
0:20:31 > 0:20:34of British Parliamentary democracy on this show,
0:20:34 > 0:20:37so here's an artist's impression of that moment.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Gosh, I feel I'm there.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46I know!
0:20:46 > 0:20:51Who are the couple at the door waiting to get married?
0:20:51 > 0:20:55It's Mr Whittingdale and his friend from the Village People.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59It'd be good if the phone went, "It's the Whips' Office. You or me?"
0:21:03 > 0:21:06APPLAUSE
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Jacob Rees-Mogg -
0:21:12 > 0:21:14- you requested him, didn't you? - Yes, I did.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16He was asked on the Today programme
0:21:16 > 0:21:20why he thought all MPs will have to release their tax returns.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22What did he say?
0:21:22 > 0:21:29PAUL BABBLES INCOHERENTLY
0:21:29 > 0:21:31- To translate that...- Yeah. - ..he said yes.- Yeah.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35- He said he thought all MPs should publish their tax returns.- Yeah.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- Because the public would demand it, after the expenses scandal.- Yeah.
0:21:38 > 0:21:39He said...
0:21:44 > 0:21:47- I like the reference. - Yeah.- Good old Mogg.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51What's Sir Alan Duncan been saying about it all?
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Oh, yes, he was talking about the suggestion that
0:21:54 > 0:21:58if you have to publish your tax return if you are an ordinary MP,
0:21:58 > 0:22:02then that will mean the lower orders entering Parliament.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Yeah, he said there will be no more high achievers.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09- No more high achievers. - Brackets - like himself.- Yeah.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12No, the thought that Alan Duncan thinks he's a high achiever...
0:22:12 > 0:22:15He did indeed say this place would become...
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Well, in the real world, where Alan apparently lives,
0:22:24 > 0:22:29he gets paid £615 per hour to advise an Emirates oil company.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32We've all done that.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36His first achievement in politics was to buy a council house
0:22:36 > 0:22:38under someone else's name under the scheme
0:22:38 > 0:22:40where you could get them cheap,
0:22:40 > 0:22:42and he had to resign when that was revealed.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45I mean, his whole career has been one of high achievement
0:22:45 > 0:22:50if you consider achievement shaming the House of Commons.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55APPLAUSE
0:22:55 > 0:22:58What's the French for dickhead, again, Clive?
0:22:58 > 0:22:59Yeah, we loved that.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Who wants to see the BBC's Norman Smith
0:23:04 > 0:23:08trying to make the EU referendum accessible?
0:23:08 > 0:23:10- Yes, definitely. - Yes, you would like that?- Yeah.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14Brexit campaigners say he's just trying to scare the pants off us,
0:23:14 > 0:23:21so, what is the ghostly vision that Mr Cameron is trying to conjure up?
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Well, first off, jobs...
0:23:27 > 0:23:30It looks like he's suggesting he's in the Ku Klux Klan.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31What the hell is that?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Well, this is the news that David Cameron has voluntarily been
0:23:34 > 0:23:37forced into publishing a summary of his tax return.
0:23:37 > 0:23:38Amongst other things,
0:23:38 > 0:23:43the documents reveal that David Cameron received...
0:23:43 > 0:23:49To be fair, that was for his birthday AND Christmas.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53So, at the end of that round, 2 points each.
0:23:53 > 0:24:00APPLAUSE
0:24:04 > 0:24:06And so to Round Two,
0:24:06 > 0:24:09a brand-new feature which I'm calling
0:24:09 > 0:24:12the Hall of Mirrors of News.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15- Oh.- I'm going to show you some images distorted in a fairground
0:24:15 > 0:24:20hall of mirrors, and I want you to tell me what the story is.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33Well, you needn't have bothered distorting that - we've got no idea.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35I mean, it's puzzling as it is.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39Is it the Scandi version of the Adele single?
0:24:45 > 0:24:47This is the news that there is finally a number you could
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- dial to talk to a random person in Sweden...- A Swede?- Yeah.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Yes, that's right, yeah.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55..to celebrate the 250-year anniversary of Sweden
0:24:55 > 0:24:57- abolishing censorship.- Oh.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01We should ring up and say, "Who's the celebrity couple?"
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Let's do that right now.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07You shouldn't ask them, according to the Guardian,
0:25:07 > 0:25:09things about Ikea and Abba.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13They really are sick of that. You know what they're really sick of?
0:25:15 > 0:25:17They've had it with that!
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Hoo-da-hoo-da-hoo-da! Had it with that.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21I tell you what, the founder of Ikea,
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- it was his 90th birthday a couple of weeks ago.- How would you know that?
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Well, I know this cos he's rather a fascinating person.
0:25:27 > 0:25:31He is terribly thrifty and he is seen... He goes to the Harvesters...
0:25:31 > 0:25:32I can't say that, can I? No.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35He goes to, kind of, cheap restaurants and then he pinches...
0:25:35 > 0:25:37This is...
0:25:38 > 0:25:41APPLAUSE
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Carry on.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46He goes to economical, midpriced, thrifty and very pleasing
0:25:46 > 0:25:49restaurants, and he's seen - this is true - he pinches sachets...
0:25:49 > 0:25:52He doesn't pinch. He helps himself to sachets of salt and pepper,
0:25:52 > 0:25:55and also he reuses teabags.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57As what?
0:25:58 > 0:26:01I had a very embarrassing moment in Sweden as a clergyman.
0:26:01 > 0:26:02- Did you?- Yeah.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05I was over for work stuff, seeing some people,
0:26:05 > 0:26:08and they said, "Do you want to come round later?"
0:26:08 > 0:26:09I said, "Yeah, sure."
0:26:09 > 0:26:12And so I went round and then we all had to have a sauna together.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15And I found myself with these strangers, completely naked
0:26:15 > 0:26:17in a sauna, and we had to thrash ourselves with birch twigs.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21And I said to John Whittingdale, "I don't know about you..."
0:26:21 > 0:26:23APPLAUSE
0:26:27 > 0:26:31I have a vision of you entirely naked, but with a dog collar on.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35Standards must be maintained, yeah.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38This is the phone line that gives you the opportunity to phone
0:26:38 > 0:26:41any Swedish person at random and have a chat.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Swedish student Wilmer told the Guardian...
0:26:51 > 0:26:52One caller was quick to react.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59APPLAUSE
0:26:59 > 0:27:00Brilliant.
0:27:02 > 0:27:03Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07Let's see what else is in the Hall of Mirrors of News.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14- BUZZER - Oh, this is Manchester Airport,
0:27:14 > 0:27:17isn't it? Where they had some sniffer dogs.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19They'd trained the sniffer dogs to sniff out Class-A drugs
0:27:19 > 0:27:22and, in the year they had these dogs, they didn't find any drugs
0:27:22 > 0:27:25but they found a lot of cheese, sausages and biscuits.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26Erm, it's...
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Actually, it's the news that illegal foreign cheese is sweeping Russia.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Oh, it's not that story at all.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36- Following President Putin's ban on Western imports...- Yes.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Where can you get this illegal cheese?
0:27:39 > 0:27:41From an illegal cheese shop.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44- People are smuggling it into Russia?- Yeah.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Well, according to the Telegraph,
0:27:46 > 0:27:50one high-end Moscow restaurant has an item on its menu called...
0:28:02 > 0:28:06Tovarisch, you have Wensleydale on your shoes.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Many wealthy Russians are involved in...
0:28:11 > 0:28:14And two anonymous Russian celebrities are involved
0:28:14 > 0:28:16in an illegal cheese triangle.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23Which means, at the end of this round,
0:28:23 > 0:28:25it's Paul and Reverend Richard, 3,
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Ian and Clive, 2.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30APPLAUSE
0:28:32 > 0:28:35Time now for the Odd One Out Round.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Ian and Clive, your four are...
0:28:37 > 0:28:39Sir Nigel Gresley,
0:28:39 > 0:28:40Shirley Bassey,
0:28:40 > 0:28:41Margaret Thatcher
0:28:41 > 0:28:45and John Walker, the inventor of the friction match.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47The friction match? Hmm.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49Is that a dating site?
0:28:53 > 0:28:55There's a statue of Mrs Thatcher going up
0:28:55 > 0:28:58and Carol complained that there wasn't a handbag on it.
0:28:58 > 0:29:01- That's right. - That looks like a train.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04Yes. If you get the story about him, you'll get the rest of it.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06- OK, tell us what the story is. - Yeah, we've no idea who he is.
0:29:06 > 0:29:08That's Nigel Gresley - he designed the Mallard -
0:29:08 > 0:29:10and they were going to put a statue up to him
0:29:10 > 0:29:12and somebody thought, the designer of the statue,
0:29:12 > 0:29:15that it'd be nice to have a duck - a mallard - next to him.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17People said, "This is insulting.
0:29:17 > 0:29:19"We can't have a duck." "We're going to have a duck."
0:29:19 > 0:29:21"No, we're not going to have a duck."
0:29:21 > 0:29:23So it's about what has been placed or taken away.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26So it must be like Margaret Thatcher's handbag, you mentioned.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29- So duck for him... - Duck for him.- Mm-hmm.
0:29:29 > 0:29:33Is there a frictionless match next to the statue of John Walker?
0:29:33 > 0:29:36Well, you're right. All of the statues have something missing,
0:29:36 > 0:29:41except for John Walker, whose statue is of someone else altogether.
0:29:41 > 0:29:43- Oh.- Yeah.
0:29:43 > 0:29:45Here's the statue.
0:29:45 > 0:29:46It's John Walker,
0:29:46 > 0:29:49an actor who looked pretty much like John Walker, the match inventor.
0:29:49 > 0:29:51So they just commissioned the wrong one?
0:29:53 > 0:29:55The council have tried to make amends.
0:29:55 > 0:29:58In 2001, they put this up at a roundabout.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02That's better, isn't it(?)
0:30:02 > 0:30:04And so, Nigel Gresley, you were, indeed, right, Paul.
0:30:04 > 0:30:08He was very fond of waterfowl and named the trains
0:30:08 > 0:30:10he designed after them.
0:30:10 > 0:30:13The original statue was like this,
0:30:13 > 0:30:17but, after complaints from Gresley's fans, the duck was eliminated.
0:30:18 > 0:30:22This has caused seismic tremors in the Gresley Society Trust.
0:30:22 > 0:30:23According to BBC News...
0:30:32 > 0:30:33Leaving no-one.
0:30:35 > 0:30:38Does give the possibility that there could be a sleeper train
0:30:38 > 0:30:41called The Shag, doesn't it, if he'd followed through?
0:30:44 > 0:30:47Are you sure you're cut out to be a vicar?
0:30:47 > 0:30:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:51 > 0:30:53You seem to be fighting something.
0:30:54 > 0:30:59That's just what the bishop said to me in the last e-mail. There you go.
0:30:59 > 0:31:03It's you, because you trigger in me a Jimmy Somerville reaction,
0:31:03 > 0:31:04and it...
0:31:06 > 0:31:08Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
0:31:08 > 0:31:12And it brings out the sweary, preordained Richard Coles.
0:31:12 > 0:31:13I can't help it.
0:31:13 > 0:31:16Oh, I feel I'm there to be put behind you.
0:31:16 > 0:31:18Not in that way, I was...
0:31:20 > 0:31:22Jimmy was never behind anyone.
0:31:27 > 0:31:30And the ten-foot Margaret Thatcher statue was commissioned
0:31:30 > 0:31:33with £300,000, raised by an appeal,
0:31:33 > 0:31:35and it was to stand in Parliament Square.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38Well, there's a challenge for the anarchists.
0:31:38 > 0:31:43And Carol Thatcher doesn't like it. She's apparently upset that...
0:31:43 > 0:31:47They should put a handbag with a duck in it. Keep everybody happy.
0:31:47 > 0:31:51And Shirley Bassey has been immortalised as Boadicea
0:31:51 > 0:31:55in a 20-foot-high gold-coloured statue in front of Caernarfon Castle
0:31:55 > 0:31:57in Wales,
0:31:57 > 0:32:00but there's a hole where the heart should be. Why?
0:32:00 > 0:32:03Is it to do with her offshore status, living in Monaco?
0:32:05 > 0:32:07Is it a hole where her tax should be?
0:32:07 > 0:32:09According to the sculptor...
0:32:09 > 0:32:12Do you want to know what Mark Rees, the local sculptor, said?
0:32:17 > 0:32:19- ALL:- Aw...
0:32:19 > 0:32:21That doesn't make any sense at all.
0:32:24 > 0:32:28In other statue news, what's this dead Greek woman holding?
0:32:28 > 0:32:30That's... It looks like a laptop.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35Yeah, she's just updating her status.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38"Dead. Greek."
0:32:38 > 0:32:39According to the Mail,
0:32:39 > 0:32:42it's a first-century BC grave marker from Delos in Greece,
0:32:42 > 0:32:44showing a typical funeral scene from antiquity,
0:32:44 > 0:32:46with a deceased woman and her attendant,
0:32:46 > 0:32:50but some people think that the dead woman is holding a laptop.
0:32:51 > 0:32:53There's the laptop.
0:32:56 > 0:32:59All their statues have been criticised for missing something,
0:32:59 > 0:33:02except John Walker, the inventor of the friction match,
0:33:02 > 0:33:04whose statue is of someone else altogether.
0:33:04 > 0:33:07The 20-foot-high statue of Shirley Bassey has been erected
0:33:07 > 0:33:09outside Caernarfon Castle.
0:33:09 > 0:33:12Packed with body-filler and sanded to a smooth finish,
0:33:12 > 0:33:15Shirley Bassey was guest of honour at the unveiling.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23Paul and Richard, here are yours.
0:33:23 > 0:33:25The village of Soulbury...
0:33:25 > 0:33:27- Yes.- ..some needles,
0:33:27 > 0:33:29Tracey Emin and Paul Merton.
0:33:32 > 0:33:33Tracey Emin recently
0:33:33 > 0:33:35married a rock, didn't she?
0:33:35 > 0:33:36Is that the, sort of, part...
0:33:36 > 0:33:37- A sort of clue into it?- Yes.
0:33:37 > 0:33:39Have I married a rock? Erm...
0:33:39 > 0:33:41Yes, something to do with Tracey Emin.
0:33:41 > 0:33:42Needles, those needles -
0:33:42 > 0:33:45is it referring to a needle in a haystack or anything like that?
0:33:45 > 0:33:47- Erm...- Or nothing to do with that?
0:33:47 > 0:33:49- Soulbury... - I think I have to give it to you.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52They all share a name with a stone, except Tracey Emin, who married one.
0:33:52 > 0:33:53They all share a name with a stone?
0:33:53 > 0:33:54- Yes.- Oh, right.
0:33:54 > 0:33:57Tracey Emin found a ring, which she put on her wedding-ring finger,
0:33:57 > 0:33:59and because of an old superstition
0:33:59 > 0:34:01- about not wearing a wedding ring unless you are married...- Yeah.
0:34:01 > 0:34:03- ..she married a stone in her garden. - Yeah.
0:34:03 > 0:34:06Oh, like Jerry Hall.
0:34:10 > 0:34:13The Soulbury Stone, in the village of Soulbury, Bucks,
0:34:13 > 0:34:14was in the news recently.
0:34:14 > 0:34:16It's right in the middle of the high street
0:34:16 > 0:34:19and, according to the local council, it's a traffic hazard,
0:34:19 > 0:34:21despite the fact that, until a few weeks ago,
0:34:21 > 0:34:24no-one had driven into it for 11,000 years.
0:34:26 > 0:34:28According to the Mail, a motorist has just demanded...
0:34:33 > 0:34:36What speed was the rock doing at the time when he hit it?
0:34:36 > 0:34:39One local, Victor Wright, who wants the stone to stay,
0:34:39 > 0:34:43has taken the matter into his own hands, and any idea what he's done?
0:34:43 > 0:34:46- Has he chained himself to the rock? - Mm-hmm.- Ah.- Yeah.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49Yes, he's draped a chain over himself
0:34:49 > 0:34:52in a very feeble photo opportunity, here.
0:34:52 > 0:34:54Suffragette-like, there he is, Victor Wright.
0:34:54 > 0:34:57You wouldn't really need to be Houdini to get out of that one,
0:34:57 > 0:34:58would you?
0:34:58 > 0:35:02- And the Merton Stone, in the Norfolk village of Merton.- Oh, yes.
0:35:02 > 0:35:04It has a claim to fame. What is that? What is it?
0:35:04 > 0:35:05The claim to fame. Yes, you can...
0:35:05 > 0:35:07If you sit on the stone on a Saturday night,
0:35:07 > 0:35:09you'll be pregnant by Monday.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14- That's your weekend sorted.- Yeah.
0:35:14 > 0:35:19It's the UK's largest glacial erratic.
0:35:19 > 0:35:22They all share a name with a stone, apart from Tracey Emin,
0:35:22 > 0:35:23who married one.
0:35:23 > 0:35:25The Soulbury Stone is much valued by the community
0:35:25 > 0:35:27as, if you stand on it,
0:35:27 > 0:35:31it's the one place in the village you can get a phone signal.
0:35:31 > 0:35:33Which means, at the end of this round, it is
0:35:33 > 0:35:35Paul and Reverend Richard with 3,
0:35:35 > 0:35:37and Ian and Clive with 3.
0:35:37 > 0:35:42APPLAUSE
0:35:46 > 0:35:48Time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:35:48 > 0:35:51which this week features, as its guest publication,
0:35:51 > 0:35:53Plumbing, Heating & Air Movement News.
0:35:53 > 0:35:57It comes out on Friday, but they can't say exactly when.
0:36:00 > 0:36:02And we start with...
0:36:06 > 0:36:07- CLIVE:- Stopcock.
0:36:10 > 0:36:12Is it Jeremy Clarkson?
0:36:14 > 0:36:16- It's the Werewolf of Worcester. - Yes, the Werewolf.
0:36:16 > 0:36:18The Werewolf of Worcester.
0:36:18 > 0:36:21Robert Ingram, who was driving through the area with his wife,
0:36:21 > 0:36:24drew the creature they saw. Here it is.
0:36:24 > 0:36:26LAUGHTER
0:36:29 > 0:36:30He said...
0:36:33 > 0:36:38At least they'd be able to draw it better.
0:36:38 > 0:36:39Next...
0:36:42 > 0:36:45Pours chocolate sauce over Labrador.
0:36:45 > 0:36:47- RICHARD:- Ices own paunch.
0:36:47 > 0:36:50LAUGHTER
0:36:50 > 0:36:52That's excellent.
0:36:52 > 0:36:56I think that's the best answer we've ever had.
0:36:56 > 0:37:01Ices his own paunch? That's a fantastic sentence. It's poetry.
0:37:01 > 0:37:05That should be the answer to every single question from now on.
0:37:05 > 0:37:06Do you know what he did?
0:37:09 > 0:37:11And here they are.
0:37:11 > 0:37:14LAUGHTER
0:37:17 > 0:37:18Next...
0:37:23 > 0:37:26- CLIVE:- The return of the colour avocado.
0:37:26 > 0:37:28Yes.
0:37:28 > 0:37:29- RICHARD:- Norovirus.
0:37:31 > 0:37:34APPLAUSE
0:37:39 > 0:37:41Of course, yeah.
0:37:41 > 0:37:44Because it is a report in Plumbing, Heating & Air Movement News
0:37:44 > 0:37:46that says...
0:37:49 > 0:37:55Well, it's not integrated speakers they need, it's more fibre.
0:37:55 > 0:37:56Next...
0:37:58 > 0:38:01Bad boilers. Bleeding radiators.
0:38:01 > 0:38:04Bleeding radiators angers druids.
0:38:04 > 0:38:07"I hate bleedin' bleeding radiators," they say.
0:38:07 > 0:38:09No, it's not that.
0:38:09 > 0:38:12It's Stonehenge's £15 car levy.
0:38:12 > 0:38:15The person who's upset the Druids with the parking plan is
0:38:15 > 0:38:18Kate Davies, the local branch manager of English Heritage.
0:38:18 > 0:38:21If she's not careful, she could end up with a stone through her window,
0:38:21 > 0:38:23which, in that area, is no small matter.
0:38:25 > 0:38:26Next...
0:38:28 > 0:38:31- Oh, I know that.- Yeah? - Were barred.
0:38:31 > 0:38:34It's on the list. There's a list in a pub, the Half Moon somewhere,
0:38:34 > 0:38:36and it's the list that the landlord had typed of all the people
0:38:36 > 0:38:39who were barred from the pub, and he didn't know their real names,
0:38:39 > 0:38:42so he just gave them these kind of names like Mickey Two Shoes
0:38:42 > 0:38:45and Keith the Psycho and things like that. It was in the paper.
0:38:45 > 0:38:47- Yeah.- Yeah.- Absolutely right.
0:38:50 > 0:38:51And this is a list, actually,
0:38:51 > 0:38:54of the banned customers at the Half Moon pub in Herne Hill.
0:38:54 > 0:38:56Other banned customers included...
0:39:09 > 0:39:10And finally...
0:39:15 > 0:39:18Whenever I see terrible injustice in the world.
0:39:22 > 0:39:26Whenever I see a fully-working immersion heater up on a wall,
0:39:26 > 0:39:29my throat starts to seize up and I smile.
0:39:31 > 0:39:34- Whenever I accidentally ice my own paunch...- Yeah.
0:39:34 > 0:39:37..my throat starts to seize up and I just smile.
0:39:37 > 0:39:39- Yeah, trying to make the best of it.- Yeah.
0:39:44 > 0:39:46This is from the letters page
0:39:46 > 0:39:49of Plumbing, Heating & Air Movement News,
0:39:49 > 0:39:52alongside Rod Chambers' letter on frictional resistance
0:39:52 > 0:39:56in old sewerage pipes, for which the editor paid him £100...
0:39:56 > 0:39:58not to contact him again.
0:39:59 > 0:40:01So, the final scores are
0:40:01 > 0:40:03Paul and Rev Richard, 5,
0:40:03 > 0:40:05Ian and Clive, 3.
0:40:05 > 0:40:08APPLAUSE
0:40:14 > 0:40:19But, before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.
0:40:19 > 0:40:22- CLIVE:- Giant head lice outbreak in schools!
0:40:24 > 0:40:26Nit nurse fired.
0:40:28 > 0:40:32Photographer asks, "Can you move sideways a bit?"
0:40:32 > 0:40:34APPLAUSE
0:40:39 > 0:40:40Next...
0:40:40 > 0:40:43Is this the celebrity threesome?
0:40:45 > 0:40:47APPLAUSE
0:40:50 > 0:40:53And I leave you with news that, on her arrival in Brussels,
0:40:53 > 0:40:56Angela Merkel is assured by the Belgian Prime Minister
0:40:56 > 0:40:58that there's nothing to worry about.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06As the latest series of The Voice draws to a close,
0:41:06 > 0:41:08the judges regret crowning their winners
0:41:08 > 0:41:11without turning their chairs around.
0:41:15 > 0:41:18And, after eight hours killing time on the Tube, an unemployed man,
0:41:18 > 0:41:22still pretending to have a job, can finally go home to his wife.
0:41:28 > 0:41:30You've been watching Ice My Paunch.
0:41:33 > 0:41:35Good night.