0:00:02 > 0:00:04I apparently was last on the programme 20 years ago.
0:00:04 > 0:00:06- Yeah, before the internet. - Before the internet,
0:00:06 > 0:00:07and I'm now 104, and it's great...
0:00:07 > 0:00:09It's great to be back.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11The audience is huge! It was much smaller 20 years ago.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14- Just used to be one bloke, we used to tell him about it.- One...
0:00:14 > 0:00:17He'd go out and tell other people and that was it, really,
0:00:17 > 0:00:18it wasn't even televised then.
0:00:22 > 0:00:29This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:54CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04I'm Victoria Coren Mitchell. In the news this week,
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Amazon denies that its drivers are losing patience
0:01:07 > 0:01:10with customers who aren't in when they try to deliver.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16In the Gulf of Mexico,
0:01:16 > 0:01:18after successfully smuggling a kilo of cocaine,
0:01:18 > 0:01:22a drug lord's highly trained raccoon makes a last-minute slip-up.
0:01:32 > 0:01:33And on the outskirts of Cambridge,
0:01:33 > 0:01:36a technology company unveils its robot simulation
0:01:36 > 0:01:40of the final stages of Eddie Izzard's 27th marathon.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Very accurate, that. Yeah.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58On Ian's team tonight is a comedian
0:01:58 > 0:02:00who recently made a show in Sri Lanka
0:02:00 > 0:02:03and says the locals were chatty and hospitable,
0:02:03 > 0:02:05but he yearned for the cold indifference
0:02:05 > 0:02:06of Londoners back home.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Whatever. Please welcome Romesh Ranganathan.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11APPLAUSE
0:02:15 > 0:02:18And with Paul tonight is a comedian who has described himself
0:02:18 > 0:02:20as an "action transvestite".
0:02:20 > 0:02:22To this day, Hasbro's worst-selling toy.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Please welcome Eddie Izzard.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27APPLAUSE
0:02:30 > 0:02:32We start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Paul and Eddie, take a look at this.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Ah, the Queen, God bless her. There she is. Oh...
0:02:38 > 0:02:39Ah, sorry, there she is.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41The Queen is nine years old.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43This is not the time to be practising his archery.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46And that's when cousins marry.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52She has run out of smiles.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55She's...she's... I just...
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Earlier, they were lighting a thing that goes on
0:02:57 > 0:03:00and they said the Queen looked very happy, and she does not.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03The Queen's incredibly popular,
0:03:03 > 0:03:06people are very worried what happens after she dies.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09So I suggest she should remain Queen after she dies.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11I think that would solve all the problems,
0:03:11 > 0:03:13and all the other heirs to the throne
0:03:13 > 0:03:16can go on and on and wave, and all the other stuff.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18- They can do, like, a hologram. - LAUGHTER
0:03:18 > 0:03:21I don't know why you're laughing, I think it's perfectly...
0:03:21 > 0:03:22I think there should be new waving.
0:03:22 > 0:03:28I think the, "I'm curving my hand around a candle" wave is odd
0:03:28 > 0:03:31and someone should teach...
0:03:32 > 0:03:35"Imagine you're cleaning a window", you should say to her.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37I think just bring them really up to date.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Just "Brrap-brrap-brrap!"
0:03:39 > 0:03:41- EDDIE:- That could work, but I think
0:03:41 > 0:03:43if the Queen was in the chariot, going along,
0:03:43 > 0:03:45and she's going, "Dave!"
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Occasionally, a bit of that, cos that always works, doesn't it?
0:03:50 > 0:03:52That works on stage, you come on stage, you go...
0:03:52 > 0:03:54- Occasionally... - HE CLICKS TONGUE
0:03:54 > 0:03:57"Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh!"
0:03:57 > 0:03:58Just live it, live it large a bit.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00- ROMESH:- Just once, just once,
0:04:00 > 0:04:03if she was just... then she just went...
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Just once would be amazing. Imagine the coverage.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10There would be a three-hour special on that. A series.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14The Duke of Edinburgh's done it quite a lot.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15So she's 90 and that's it.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18How did she kick off the birthday celebrations?
0:04:18 > 0:04:19The bumps.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23- She went to visit the delivery office in Windsor.- Yes.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Sadly, there was no-one in, so she had to go next door.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28But that was the official kick-off of the celebrations.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Several commemorative stamps are being issued...
0:04:31 > 0:04:32- Yes.- ..for the occasion.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Why was this a difficult photoshoot? What was the challenge?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37There was a problem with the boy.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43They needed to get all their heads on the same level
0:04:43 > 0:04:45and he's extremely inconsiderate
0:04:45 > 0:04:48and he's...he's not very tall.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50I think there's five stamps. There's four of their heads
0:04:50 > 0:04:53and one of that little stack that he's standing on.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55They are just old photo cases, I think.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Literally, the photographer hadn't thought
0:04:58 > 0:04:59beforehand, so he improvised.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01So it hadn't occurred to him
0:05:01 > 0:05:04that George might be shorter than the other people?
0:05:04 > 0:05:07And it was a surprise - it was, like, "Oh, my gosh.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10"You look a lot bigger in the official photos.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11"I had no idea."
0:05:11 > 0:05:15They could've cropped the books out and made it look like he had
0:05:15 > 0:05:17extraordinarily long legs - that's what I would've done.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21Of course, they couldn't do that because they needed
0:05:21 > 0:05:23each head to be a stamp.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25What horrible pressure on the Queen -
0:05:25 > 0:05:26you've got a picture of her head now
0:05:26 > 0:05:29next to a picture of her head when she was a lot younger.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31It feels a bit harsh, doesn't it?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33It's the sort of thing the Daily Mail would do -
0:05:33 > 0:05:35"Hasn't she aged badly?
0:05:35 > 0:05:39"1957, she looked a lot younger.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41- "Look, she's old!" - That's actually an anomaly, though.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43You don't normally get two Queen's heads on a stamp.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45If the Queen's own face is on a stamp,
0:05:45 > 0:05:47you get a crown, not the silhouette.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49But cos this is a slightly odd photoshoot,
0:05:49 > 0:05:51to fit everything in, they figured they couldn't put a crown in,
0:05:51 > 0:05:53so they've got two Queen's heads.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55It's very exciting for stamp collectors.
0:05:55 > 0:05:56It is - as are most things.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00APPLAUSE
0:06:02 > 0:06:04- ROMESH:- Sorry, but that kid's head on a stamp
0:06:04 > 0:06:07is one of the creepiest things I've ever seen in my life.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11I would post the letter just to get it out of my possession.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Normal people who aren't stamp collectors
0:06:13 > 0:06:15would use the stamps, peel them off,
0:06:15 > 0:06:17but you can still keep the remaining portrait -
0:06:17 > 0:06:19there you go.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21I tell you what, that headless child,
0:06:21 > 0:06:24still not as creepy as the one with just his head on.
0:06:24 > 0:06:30What has 83-year-old Ben Bennett erected in his garden in Windsor...
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Oh, oh...!
0:06:31 > 0:06:35..put up in his garden in Windsor to celebrate the birthday?
0:06:35 > 0:06:38An effigy of the Queen - a 12ft effigy.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40- It is a 12ft effigy of the Queen. - Is it?- Yes!
0:06:43 > 0:06:45- ROMESH:- Whoa!
0:06:45 > 0:06:46Yes, and the Duke of Edinburgh.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Why is she next to a sex offender?
0:06:49 > 0:06:54Sorry - I'm referring to the head rather than the man in the red.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Just in case the lawyer's suddenly woken up.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Are you sure that's the Queen? It looks like Colonel Gaddafi.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05Mr Bennett said...
0:07:09 > 0:07:10Can he name them?
0:07:10 > 0:07:16Now, who knows what misfortune befell this royal well-wisher?
0:07:16 > 0:07:18- EDDIE:- Nine... Did it... Pin in it, and boof!
0:07:18 > 0:07:20And she went off - woof! - over a house
0:07:20 > 0:07:21and landed in a...
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- ROMESH:- Landed on top of a big Queen's head
0:07:24 > 0:07:26with some grass coming out of it?
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Again, you're close.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31- Uh...- How is... How is this happening?!
0:07:31 > 0:07:34I have no idea. It... It got in my brain.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37- She wasn't attached to it but the nine blew away.- Yeah.
0:07:37 > 0:07:38Let's have a look.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- Oh, they've lost the...- Oh, no, they've lost the number nine!
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Oh, no, the nine has gone.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45That's why the lady was running, she's lost the number nine.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Oh, I thought she was running at Carol.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49- I felt so bad there. - Is she going to get it back?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Oh, she's running after her balloon.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53I don't rate her chances very well. Will it land?
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- It's coming back down. - It is, it's...
0:07:55 > 0:07:56- CAROL:- Oh, no, she might catch it yet!
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- She might.- She's not letting it go - I wouldn't either.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00That lady's from Cardiff,
0:08:00 > 0:08:02she got up very early this morning to come here.
0:08:03 > 0:08:04- Oh, it's a disaster.- Oh.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06I mean, he said it was a disaster.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07I think the biggest disaster
0:08:07 > 0:08:09was continuing to follow with the footage
0:08:09 > 0:08:11and seeing how that ended up, d'you know what I mean?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14A woman chasing a balloon. "Is she going to get it back?"
0:08:14 > 0:08:16I don't know, mate... Let's see what happens.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18It is a problem for royal commentators
0:08:18 > 0:08:21cos they've been doing the same programme for 50 years...
0:08:21 > 0:08:22- Yeah, yeah.- A lot of time to fill.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25A lot of time to fill and very, very little to say.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27So the balloon went off and you think,
0:08:27 > 0:08:29"Holy shit, we've got 20 minutes out of here!
0:08:29 > 0:08:32"Let's see how this pans out! Hello, tuck in!
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- "We could do a spin-off special on this one."- Yeah.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37I do remember when...
0:08:37 > 0:08:38When it was...
0:08:38 > 0:08:42William getting married to Kate and then people said,
0:08:42 > 0:08:44"They've been made Duke and Duchess of Cambridge,
0:08:44 > 0:08:46"what d'you think, what d'you think?"
0:08:46 > 0:08:47And what can you think to that?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49"Cambridge? I thought it'd be Dagenham."
0:08:49 > 0:08:53"No, no, Coventry. Why Cambridge? Why? Why? Why?!
0:08:53 > 0:08:56"Of all towns and cities, it could've been Oxford,
0:08:56 > 0:08:59"it could've been Spain, I don't know..."
0:08:59 > 0:09:00What can you say to that?
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Probably not Spain without an incident of some sort.
0:09:03 > 0:09:04Enough of this chat.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- It's time for our Quick Queen Quiz. - Right.- Yes.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13What did former royal correspondent Jennie Bond
0:09:13 > 0:09:16see inside the Queen's handbag
0:09:16 > 0:09:18when it fell open during a trip to Pakistan?
0:09:18 > 0:09:20BUZZER Yes?
0:09:20 > 0:09:21Bags of heroin.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25No.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27- BUZZER - Not that?- Cigarettes.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28No.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29The Duke of Edinburgh.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31No - I can tell you,
0:09:31 > 0:09:35Jennie Bond exclusively revealed in this week's Daily Mirror...
0:09:39 > 0:09:42It is really desperate, this coverage, isn't it?
0:09:43 > 0:09:44A hanky and a mirror -
0:09:44 > 0:09:46handy if you want to take some heroin.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55"And as the royal finger dabs into the mound..."
0:09:57 > 0:10:02Next one - we know that the Queen owns all the swans in Britain.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04What else does she own that shares its name
0:10:04 > 0:10:05with a well-known politician?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07BUZZER
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Buckingham Palace? The Duke of Buckingham?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11No - a well-known current politician.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- Oh, not somebody in the English Civil War?- No.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- Wasn't clear in the question, you see.- I'm so sorry.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20It's sturgeon.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21She owns all the sturgeons?
0:10:21 > 0:10:25The Queen owns all the sturgeon, dolphins and whales
0:10:25 > 0:10:26in British waters.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28- Ah!- Do they know this?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31- To mark the Queen's wartime work... - Yeah.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35..as a mechanic, what did Kwik Fit offer to do?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Uh, get Prince Philip up on the blocks?
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Have a look underneath him.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46They sculpted a portrait out of motoring accessories.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47Oh, it's Gaddafi again.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52It's made of 800 car parts.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55And in a touching tribute to the Queen Mother's favourite tipple,
0:10:55 > 0:10:57some brake fluid. That's in there as well.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59What d'you think it's called, the sculpture?
0:10:59 > 0:11:00- EDDIE:- Jeff.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- ROMESH:- Uh, Abomination.
0:11:02 > 0:11:03It's called...
0:11:04 > 0:11:06- Right...- Oh!
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Final question in the Quick Queen Quiz,
0:11:10 > 0:11:13how did German magazine Der Spiegel
0:11:13 > 0:11:15celebrate the Queen's birthday?
0:11:15 > 0:11:17- BELL - Did they...?
0:11:17 > 0:11:21Did they make a sculpture of her out of...stuff they found?
0:11:22 > 0:11:25They put a touching tribute on their front page.
0:11:27 > 0:11:28There we go, that's...
0:11:32 > 0:11:35It was an article specially commissioned by Prince Charles.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39APPLAUSE
0:11:40 > 0:11:41Finally, back to the Queen's birthday...
0:11:41 > 0:11:45How did the animals at the Blue Cross homing centre in Torbay
0:11:45 > 0:11:47mark the Queen's birthday?
0:11:48 > 0:11:49They wrote a poem.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51They did.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53- And this is it.- Go on, then.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Rarr-rarr, rarr-rarr-rarr
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Rarr-rarr, rarr-rarr, rarr
0:11:58 > 0:11:59- Ah, rarr-rarr, rarr-rarr...- Mm.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01..Rarr, rarr-rarr-rarr.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05You are basically correct.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:11 > 0:12:17Uh... Although, it-it wasn't a poem, it was the song, Happy Birthday.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20- Oh!- Shall we... Shall we have a look at the animals' performance?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22- Yes, by all means. - They all sang it, did they?
0:12:22 > 0:12:23# Woof, woof
0:12:23 > 0:12:24# Woof, woof
0:12:24 > 0:12:25# Meow, meow
0:12:25 > 0:12:28# Woof-woof, woof, woof
0:12:28 > 0:12:29# Prrr!
0:12:29 > 0:12:30# Meow, meow
0:12:30 > 0:12:31# Woof, woof
0:12:31 > 0:12:33- # Meow - Waaa
0:12:33 > 0:12:35- # Meow, meow - Woof
0:12:35 > 0:12:36- # Meow, meow - Waaa
0:12:36 > 0:12:38- # Woof, woof - Meow, meow. #
0:12:40 > 0:12:41SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Oh, don't applaud!
0:12:44 > 0:12:46You mentioned poetry earlier,
0:12:46 > 0:12:48this was, of course, a perfect opportunity
0:12:48 > 0:12:49for the Poet Laureate, Carol Ann Duffy,
0:12:49 > 0:12:52to write a nice poem marking the Queen's 90th.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55What has she specifically chosen as her subject?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57She's a different type of Poet Laureate.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00The old types used to, you know, do birthday odes and tributes,
0:13:00 > 0:13:05- but she's doing an ode to the demise of the gas meter.- Mm.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09Um, cos, you know, they're passing from the nation's life
0:13:09 > 0:13:11and she's going to commemorate them.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Will she be using... You know, the pun,
0:13:13 > 0:13:15the fact that "meter" means something in poetry?
0:13:15 > 0:13:16That would be terrific.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Yeah, you know, extol the virtues of these gas meters
0:13:18 > 0:13:20as they disappear. Some sort of epic story.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22When she finishes the poem she could give us...
0:13:22 > 0:13:24a READING.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27LAUGHTER Thank you.
0:13:27 > 0:13:28I hope she's CORGI registered.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33APPLAUSE
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Yes, this is the wonderful news that the Queen is 90 years old
0:13:36 > 0:13:37and still going strong.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Several national events are planned to celebrate
0:13:39 > 0:13:41this momentous royal milestone, including...
0:13:43 > 0:13:44Lovely.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47Terrific. And...
0:13:51 > 0:13:53It's a no from me.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55According to one of the many fact-filled
0:13:55 > 0:13:57royal pull-outs this week...
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Yes, it's called the taxpayer.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07The Queen has bred corgis with dachshunds
0:14:07 > 0:14:10which are known as "dorgis," though, of course,
0:14:10 > 0:14:12that could just be her way of pronouncing "doggies".
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Ian and Romesh, take a look at this.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20That's my inspiration.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23That's a headmistress after one of his policies on education.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26That's the Remain camp, hitting the phones.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Boris, digging himself out of another situation.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34Well, this is week 17 of the big Brexit debate.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37And it's all go this week.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41There's a speech from Gove, which shocked everyone,
0:14:41 > 0:14:44because it was sort of... not terrible.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46What I quite like is the fact that they have all been talking
0:14:46 > 0:14:49about how they don't want to scare anyone into making a decision,
0:14:49 > 0:14:52and then Michael Gove compared it to a hostage situation.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55- It feels like sort of the opposite. - Yes, he said...
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Do you know what I think the problem with that is?
0:15:07 > 0:15:09When people use analogies that are purely from
0:15:09 > 0:15:12their own life experience - I just think that's...
0:15:12 > 0:15:14It's funny you should say that. The Sun mocked up a picture
0:15:14 > 0:15:17to show us what that would look like.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20That's an old NUT promotional photo, isn't it?
0:15:20 > 0:15:23LAUGHTER
0:15:23 > 0:15:25There's some teachers in!
0:15:25 > 0:15:28What did George Osborne call Michael Gove
0:15:28 > 0:15:30and Boris Johnson, among others?
0:15:30 > 0:15:31Uh, bogeymen?
0:15:31 > 0:15:35- Scaremongers? - No, it was a particular insult.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37- He said...- Oiks?
0:15:38 > 0:15:40I can't wait to hear how he slammed them.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44This is going to be incredible.
0:15:44 > 0:15:45It was pithy.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47He said...
0:15:53 > 0:15:55And what was Boris Johnson's analysis
0:15:55 > 0:15:57of David Cameron's rhetoric?
0:15:57 > 0:16:00He said Cameron was talking bollocks.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Pretty much.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04He said, "The PM was very clear before the whole campaign began
0:16:04 > 0:16:06"that Britain could have a great future outside the EU,
0:16:06 > 0:16:09"but now there's this idea that no trade can take place
0:16:09 > 0:16:11"unless the different governments agree with each other."
0:16:13 > 0:16:14That's Latin.
0:16:16 > 0:16:21George Osborne said that leaving the EU would cost £4,300 per household.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Who'd be taking it?
0:16:23 > 0:16:26The economy's going to shrink by 6%, apparently, if we leave the EU.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28So this money would not be available.
0:16:28 > 0:16:33George Osborne put out this massive dossier with loads of equations...
0:16:33 > 0:16:36- Yeah.- ..and dummy variables and all of this crap...
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Let's have a look at that equation.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Who...? If you are trying to get somebody onside to an argument,
0:16:40 > 0:16:42you don't use algebra!
0:16:42 > 0:16:44That's...
0:16:44 > 0:16:45- EDDIE:- That's not the real one, is it?- Yes!
0:16:45 > 0:16:47That's what people hated the most!
0:16:47 > 0:16:50That is the equation that George Osborne unveiled...
0:16:50 > 0:16:52These are all variables that you can't predict,
0:16:52 > 0:16:55so those equations are absolutely meaningless.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57The last four letters seem to spell "eejit".
0:17:02 > 0:17:04APPLAUSE
0:17:04 > 0:17:08Who was with George Osborne when he made his big speech,
0:17:08 > 0:17:10- did you see that? - Liz Truss was there.- It was.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Environment Secretary Liz Truss.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15- She's not always been a big fan of the EU, of course.- No.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16And she was once quite worried
0:17:16 > 0:17:19about how much of their dairy produce comes to Britain.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- Mm.- We couldn't see that, could we?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Let's have a look.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27We import two-thirds of our cheese.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29LAUGHTER FROM STUDIO
0:17:29 > 0:17:32That is a disgrace.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41But if the consequences of leaving the EU are so terrible,
0:17:41 > 0:17:44why are they letting us vote on it at all?
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Well, it's...
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Am I going to get into this? I'm a positive person.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50Basically, if we...
0:17:50 > 0:17:53I start this discussion with, if we want a world
0:17:53 > 0:17:55where seven billion people all have a fair chance,
0:17:55 > 0:17:56we've got to try and make Europe work.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57If we want to make it work,
0:17:57 > 0:17:59we've got to be inside it to make it work.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Running and hiding is just not the British way.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Standing and fighting is what we should do,
0:18:03 > 0:18:05so I'm for standing and fighting.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:08 > 0:18:12The idea of running and hiding does sound pretty cool, though.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15I dunno, it sort of implies that if we leave the EU,
0:18:15 > 0:18:18they won't be able to find us.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20"Where's Britain gone?" "I've got no idea.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23"Left the EU, I haven't seen them for a few months."
0:18:23 > 0:18:27How did Nigel Farage cheer up a crowd of Leavers this week?
0:18:27 > 0:18:29He didn't turn up?
0:18:31 > 0:18:34No, he shouted out the names of pro-Europeans,
0:18:34 > 0:18:36like Peter Mandelson and Nick Clegg and Tony Blair,
0:18:36 > 0:18:37for the audience to boo.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41But I'm not sure that he quite needed to bring Europe into it.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43I mean, if we just... I'm going to give it a go.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45- Peter Mandelson. AUDIENCE:- Boo!
0:18:45 > 0:18:47- Nick Clegg. AUDIENCE:- Boo!
0:18:47 > 0:18:49- Tony Blair. AUDIENCE:- Boo!
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Nothing to do with Europe at all.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Do you agree that audiences are too easily led?
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- MIXED REACTION FROM AUDIENCE - Yes!
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Eddie, you're pro-EU.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Who is your unlikely ally, it emerged this week?
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Oh, I don't know!
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Oh, this is a thing, this is a thing.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08I thought you were just talking to me. Um...
0:19:08 > 0:19:10LAUGHTER
0:19:10 > 0:19:12- ROMESH:- We have been recording this whole time.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16Could it be... Could it be thinking people of the United Kingdom?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18No, it's Jeremy Clarkson.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21If you can't trust someone who punches a younger man in the face
0:19:21 > 0:19:23when he doesn't get a steak, who can you trust?
0:19:23 > 0:19:26That's what I say. Jeremy Clarkson said the EU is...
0:19:29 > 0:19:31So why is he in favour of it, then?
0:19:33 > 0:19:38Who were the big... Who are the big celebrity Leavers, the big "outers"?
0:19:38 > 0:19:40- Ian Botham.- Yes.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Katie Hopkins, isn't she Leave?
0:19:43 > 0:19:44Hmm... I don't know...
0:19:44 > 0:19:48I think we want HER to leave, I think that's the other way around.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49The list I've got here is...
0:19:49 > 0:19:53Ian Botham, Eddie the Eagle, Joan Collins and Frederick Forsyth.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55It's like a Parkinson from the '80s!
0:19:56 > 0:19:57Amazing line-up(!)
0:19:57 > 0:20:00What irritated Boris Johnson this week?
0:20:00 > 0:20:01A rash.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06While Boris Johnson was making his speech,
0:20:06 > 0:20:09the reporter Michael Crick was doing a piece to camera at the same time.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Let's have a look.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Well, as you heard there, the typical Boris Johnson rhetoric.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17I was talking earlier to people in the crowd...
0:20:25 > 0:20:27AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:20:33 > 0:20:36One of the interesting little incidents we caught...
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- Excuse me, I'm live on television. - Well, could you keep quiet?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41- All right, I'm sorry. - The guy is trying to talk.
0:20:41 > 0:20:42- OK.- And you're interrupting.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44I'm just trying to explain what's going on here.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- Yeah, so is he. - OK. The... Earlier, the...
0:20:47 > 0:20:50LAUGHTER
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Excuse me, we're... Excuse me.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55I'm just trying to explain... OK.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57- STUDIO PRESENTER:- Are you all right there, Michael?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00- I think maybe we'll leave you there for now.- Fine.
0:21:04 > 0:21:09Bernie Ecclestone aired his views on Europe at a conference this week,
0:21:09 > 0:21:10an advertising conference.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Who did he say should be running Europe?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15He said Putin should be running Europe,
0:21:15 > 0:21:19which is a distinct possibility, it wouldn't...take a huge amount.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22No, Bernie thinks that would be the best solution, get a hard man in.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24- Europe's pathetic.- For what reason?
0:21:24 > 0:21:26What does he think is good about Putin?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28He doesn't have any democratic worries?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- Basically, yes... - Looks good on a horse.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34He said about Putin...
0:21:37 > 0:21:39I just don't think that's a great qualification.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42If somebody finished a pie...
0:21:43 > 0:21:45..and they said before that, "I'm going to eat this pie
0:21:45 > 0:21:46"and I'm going to finish it."
0:21:46 > 0:21:48And they said, "D'you know what?
0:21:48 > 0:21:51- "He said he was going to eat that pie."- Mm.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54"He finished that pie, he should be the leader of Europe."
0:21:56 > 0:21:58It is, you're saying you need to define things.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00- ROMESH:- Yeah, basically!
0:22:00 > 0:22:03What did David Cameron do at the weekend to cheer his party up?
0:22:03 > 0:22:05- Oh, is this the awayday?- Yes.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08- Where he did a stand-up routine? - ROMESH:- What?
0:22:08 > 0:22:09- And told a few jokes.- Did he?
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Yeah, they had a bonding weekend and he did some gags.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14I can't actually remember what...
0:22:14 > 0:22:17It involves... A man moves to a place where there's a farmer...
0:22:17 > 0:22:19- Yeah.- ..and the farmer says,
0:22:19 > 0:22:22"We're having a party tomorrow night, why don't you come?"
0:22:22 > 0:22:23And the guy says, "Great, I'll come."
0:22:23 > 0:22:26But the farmer says, "The only thing, it is fancy dress,
0:22:26 > 0:22:29"you will have to wear quite a peculiar costume."
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Well, the man says, "That's OK, I'm happy to do that."
0:22:31 > 0:22:33The farmer says, "There's going to be a great deal to drink,
0:22:33 > 0:22:37"there's going to be fighting and then things will get a little lewd,
0:22:37 > 0:22:40"there will be some rough sex."
0:22:40 > 0:22:42"That's all right," the guy says. "How many people are coming?"
0:22:42 > 0:22:45The farmer said, "It's just us."
0:22:45 > 0:22:47And then he said, "What are you going to do about
0:22:47 > 0:22:49"the constant downward pressure on milk prices?"
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Yeah.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52What does Jeremy Corbyn become
0:22:52 > 0:22:55the first major British politician to do?
0:22:55 > 0:22:59- He's gone on, um, Snapchat. - He has gone on Snapchat.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01- And what do you do on Snapchat? - Well, Snapchat...
0:23:01 > 0:23:06Well, what you do, for the most part, is very unsavoury, but...
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Let's have a glimpse into the working life of the Labour leader.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12There we go, that's him.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15I mean, that is a photo of him having his photo taken.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19His Snapchat is basically Gogglebox. It just...
0:23:19 > 0:23:22If you want to reduce Snapchat to effectively a photo album,
0:23:22 > 0:23:24you can do what Corbyn's done.
0:23:24 > 0:23:28There's one where he's just taken a picture of a Tunnock's teacake
0:23:28 > 0:23:31and then he's just put underneath it, "Road fuel,"
0:23:31 > 0:23:34which, I don't know what car he's driving, but that is...
0:23:34 > 0:23:35That's going to do nothing.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39- I thought on Snapchat everyone was nude.- You don't have to be.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40Oh, you don't?
0:23:40 > 0:23:43That was something I discovered about six months in.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46There's a new job being advertised within the Labour Party,
0:23:46 > 0:23:47anybody know?
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- Nude job or new job? - A new job. A new job.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53- What job is being advertised in the Labour Party?- Leader.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00It's actually for the post of Leader's Office Media Spokesperson,
0:24:00 > 0:24:03and this is not to say that Jeremy Corbyn should be nervous,
0:24:03 > 0:24:05but under "Duration", it says...
0:24:15 > 0:24:18This is the debate on Europe, which has generated so many column inches.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21George Osborne issued a stark warning that Brexit would cost...
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Blimey, that's four rolls of his dad's wallpaper!
0:24:27 > 0:24:30The President of the European Commission, Jean-Claude Juncker,
0:24:30 > 0:24:34admitted that the British public are fed up with hearing about...
0:24:38 > 0:24:40But enough about that celebrity injunction.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45And so to round two, the Strength-o-Meter Of News.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54BUZZER Paul and Eddie?
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Yes, this is Johnny Depp and his wife have been fined
0:24:56 > 0:24:59because they smuggled - they didn't think they were smuggling,
0:24:59 > 0:25:01but that's what they were doing - dogs into Australia,
0:25:01 > 0:25:04which you are not allowed to do because of quarantine laws.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06They do say that dogs end up looking like their owners,
0:25:06 > 0:25:09and there is a...perfect example of it beginning to happen genetically.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12- Do you know the dogs' names?- Er... - ROMESH:- Boo?
0:25:12 > 0:25:13Yeah, they're called...
0:25:15 > 0:25:17- Ah!- That alone is worth community service.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21Yeah, they took them into Australia without the right paperwork
0:25:21 > 0:25:24and Johnny Depp's wife, Amber Heard,
0:25:24 > 0:25:26she could have got ten years in prison.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29What was the key to their defence?
0:25:29 > 0:25:32She wouldn't like to be in prison for ten years?
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Because they're incredibly famous, the Australian authorities said,
0:25:35 > 0:25:38if they made a video and they were very, very sorry,
0:25:38 > 0:25:40then they would let them off the prison sentence.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43I would quite like to have seen Johnny Depp apologise
0:25:43 > 0:25:46for his version of Charlie And The Chocolate Factory as well, actually.
0:25:47 > 0:25:48Well, let's have a look at the video.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Australia is a wonderful island
0:25:50 > 0:25:54with a treasure trove of unique plants, animals and people.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56It has to be protected.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Australia is free of many pests and diseases
0:25:59 > 0:26:01that are commonplace around the world.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05That is why Australia has to have such strong bio-security laws.
0:26:05 > 0:26:10And Australians are just as unique. Both warm and direct.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13If you disrespect Australian law, they will tell you firmly.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17I'm truly sorry that Pistol and Boo were not declared.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Protecting Australia is important.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Declare everything when you enter Australia.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Did you find that a sincere apology, Paul?
0:26:28 > 0:26:29- Were you convinced?- No.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31I think he was drunk.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33The internet was sceptical.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Twitter user Scott suggested it looked like
0:26:35 > 0:26:38when you Skype your parents and...
0:26:40 > 0:26:44LAUGHTER
0:26:44 > 0:26:46APPLAUSE
0:26:48 > 0:26:51How has the video gone down with Australians?
0:26:51 > 0:26:52They sort of think that...
0:26:52 > 0:26:54For some reason they think Johnny Depp
0:26:54 > 0:26:56wasn't showing the requisite amount of enthusiasm.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce, he said...
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Staying with celebrities - you'll know this, Ian -
0:27:10 > 0:27:13which famous pop star made an unlikely appearance
0:27:13 > 0:27:15on the Isle of Skye last week?
0:27:18 > 0:27:20That's right. It was Kanye West, of course.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22I thought that WAS one of the islands.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Yes, you'd only know he was there
0:27:28 > 0:27:31if you were a very eagle-eyed reader of the West Highland Free Press.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33This appeared on page 16
0:27:33 > 0:27:36next to a small story about a kayaker saving some sheep.
0:27:36 > 0:27:37It said...
0:27:43 > 0:27:44The story continued...
0:27:55 > 0:27:58LAUGHTER
0:27:58 > 0:28:00That's proper journalism.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Yes, this is the celebrity dog smuggling case.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07After Johnny Depp's dogs got through customs,
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Australia's Immigration Minister said...
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Unlike Pirates Of The Caribbean 5.
0:28:14 > 0:28:18Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24- EDDIE:- Oh. - Paul and Eddie.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Oh, this is the Culture Secretary,
0:28:26 > 0:28:30he went to a lap-dancing club to do some research
0:28:30 > 0:28:34to find out how much of his lap would be danced in...
0:28:34 > 0:28:37Whether he would be able to drink while the lap dancing was going on,
0:28:37 > 0:28:41what the bar snacks were like... He thoroughly enjoyed it.
0:28:41 > 0:28:42Er, the research.
0:28:42 > 0:28:43And why do people think...
0:28:43 > 0:28:47I mean, you know, a man can go to a strip club in his own time,
0:28:47 > 0:28:49can't he? Why do people think this should have been declared?
0:28:49 > 0:28:52Well, he went with two other MPs. It was like an office outing.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54Were you there, Ian?
0:28:54 > 0:28:57Yeah, I'm Culture Secretary.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04Any fact-finding missions in lap dancing clubs you've...
0:29:04 > 0:29:07Yep... Um, I've done three today.
0:29:07 > 0:29:10Well, it was hosted by the Lap Dancing Association,
0:29:10 > 0:29:14which was, coincidentally, lobbying at the time against legislation
0:29:14 > 0:29:17that would have restricted the opening of lap dancing clubs.
0:29:17 > 0:29:20Although, according to a source in The Times, "No record of the
0:29:20 > 0:29:24"trip needed to be made because Whittingdale failed to reach the..."
0:29:25 > 0:29:29- Oh, yes, he keeps claiming this. - ROMESH:- What is that?
0:29:29 > 0:29:32Is that an angle of over 45 degrees or something?
0:29:34 > 0:29:35It does seem to vary
0:29:35 > 0:29:38and conflict of interest doesn't depend on the actual amount.
0:29:38 > 0:29:40So, they were saying, you know,
0:29:40 > 0:29:42there should be more lap dancing clubs in high streets,
0:29:42 > 0:29:44lots of people thought there shouldn't be,
0:29:44 > 0:29:48he went on a fact-finding tour, but it was paid for by lap dancing...
0:29:48 > 0:29:50- So he got in for nothing! - Yeah, no, it was all free.
0:29:50 > 0:29:52Well, not only did he get in for nothing,
0:29:52 > 0:29:55but while he was in there, apparently he...
0:29:56 > 0:29:58..where he picked up about £30 in tips.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03That means at the end of this round, Ian and Romesh have 3,
0:30:03 > 0:30:06Paul and Eddie have 4.
0:30:06 > 0:30:08- EDDIE:- Oh, wow! - APPLAUSE
0:30:13 > 0:30:14Can I just say something?
0:30:14 > 0:30:18Are you doing the secretary "glasses on and off" thing? Cos you keep...
0:30:18 > 0:30:20- No, d'you know what it is?- What?
0:30:20 > 0:30:23It's cos I'm too short-sighted to read an autocue,
0:30:23 > 0:30:26but I can't then see that...
0:30:26 > 0:30:29D'you know, when I... No, actually, I'm not going to say that.
0:30:30 > 0:30:33Time now for the Odd One Out Round.
0:30:33 > 0:30:35Sorry, I'm not the only one that's intrigued
0:30:35 > 0:30:37- about what you were going to say. - EDDIE:- Yeah, I want to know now.
0:30:37 > 0:30:39I think I explained this once before,
0:30:39 > 0:30:41but when I didn't think the show was being recorded
0:30:41 > 0:30:43and then they put it on the end, but it was...
0:30:43 > 0:30:45When I bought my glasses, I said to the optician...
0:30:45 > 0:30:48Cos I was nervous about getting glasses, they make me look...
0:30:48 > 0:30:51I said, "I want the sort of glasses that a librarian would wear
0:30:51 > 0:30:53"in a porn film."
0:30:54 > 0:30:58And I said this to a sort of 57-year-old Bangladeshi optician,
0:30:58 > 0:31:02he went, "I have no idea what you're talking about."
0:31:02 > 0:31:04Yeah, he's probably never been to a library.
0:31:07 > 0:31:09APPLAUSE
0:31:09 > 0:31:11Well, he chose well.
0:31:16 > 0:31:19It is definitely time for the Odd One Out Round.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22Just one between you this week. Your four are...
0:31:22 > 0:31:24Midsomer Murders, Captain Calamity,
0:31:24 > 0:31:26Thriplow Daffodil Festival
0:31:26 > 0:31:30and a VHS of the 1986 Snooker World Championship.
0:31:30 > 0:31:31Captain Calamity was the one
0:31:31 > 0:31:34- who kept being rescued by the coastguard?- That's right, yes.
0:31:34 > 0:31:36His bike proved to be useless at sea.
0:31:37 > 0:31:39Yes, he had to be rescued nine times,
0:31:39 > 0:31:41sailing from Norway to America.
0:31:41 > 0:31:42They had to call out the coastguard
0:31:42 > 0:31:44in Norway, Denmark,
0:31:44 > 0:31:45Northern Ireland,
0:31:45 > 0:31:46the Republic of Ireland, Scotland,
0:31:46 > 0:31:47and Cornwall, which is where
0:31:47 > 0:31:48they ended up in January,
0:31:48 > 0:31:50about 3,000 miles
0:31:50 > 0:31:51- short of the target.- Blimey.
0:31:51 > 0:31:54Sorry, did he arrive in Cornwall thinking he'd made it?
0:31:54 > 0:31:56- He was expecting to see Indians. - Yeah!
0:31:56 > 0:31:59I mean, it was a bit of a calamity, wasn't it?
0:31:59 > 0:32:00It was.
0:32:00 > 0:32:03Were there no daffodils out in the daffodil festival?
0:32:03 > 0:32:05Which I find is a problem.
0:32:05 > 0:32:08I think the picture of the police, the top left-hand corner,
0:32:08 > 0:32:09that is the odd one out.
0:32:09 > 0:32:10No, it's not. Shall I tell you?
0:32:10 > 0:32:12They've all failed to live up to their names
0:32:12 > 0:32:14- apart from Captain Calamity... - Who is a calamity.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17- Who is a calamity. - That's really thin.- Yeah, that's...
0:32:17 > 0:32:19- ROMESH:- I mean...
0:32:19 > 0:32:22Controversially, an episode of Midsomer Murders was screened
0:32:22 > 0:32:24in which there were no murders.
0:32:24 > 0:32:26- Oh.- There is normally a murder.
0:32:26 > 0:32:28I mean, the death rate there is higher than Kabul.
0:32:28 > 0:32:30So why wasn't there a murder?
0:32:30 > 0:32:32Well, it turned out the victim wasn't really dead -
0:32:32 > 0:32:34not to spoil it for anyone who's going to watch it.
0:32:34 > 0:32:37So what happened? Was he just taking a nap or something? Just for ages?
0:32:37 > 0:32:39- Is anyone a fan of Midsomer Murders? ROMESH:- Big fan.
0:32:39 > 0:32:42When I'm at home, all I watch is either Midsomer Murders
0:32:42 > 0:32:44or that Johnny Depp video.
0:32:46 > 0:32:49That VHS of the 1986 World Snooker Championships
0:32:49 > 0:32:52belonged to the 1986 champion...
0:32:52 > 0:32:55- Dennis Taylor, was it? - It was Joe Johnson.- Joe Johnson.
0:32:55 > 0:32:57But he told the Guardian...
0:33:11 > 0:33:14- The Joe Johnson story I find quite poignant.- Yes.
0:33:14 > 0:33:16Cos he was an amateur who hadn't even
0:33:16 > 0:33:18been expected to qualify for that 1986 tournament.
0:33:18 > 0:33:21He gave this assessment of his chances at the time. He said...
0:33:37 > 0:33:39LAUGHTER
0:33:41 > 0:33:44And then he won, but they'd wiped the video.
0:33:44 > 0:33:47What did he do to his children? Did he kill them?
0:33:47 > 0:33:49Cos that would be fair.
0:33:49 > 0:33:51Let me show you a useless box.
0:33:51 > 0:33:54How does this, which is called the Useless Box,
0:33:54 > 0:33:56definitely live up to its name?
0:33:56 > 0:33:58- Oh, I know this.- Mm-hm.
0:33:58 > 0:34:01This is a box that when you switch it on,
0:34:01 > 0:34:05I think something comes out of that door and switches it off.
0:34:06 > 0:34:08- Shall we have a look?- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15LAUGHTER
0:34:15 > 0:34:17- ROMESH:- Well, that's great, isn't it?
0:34:23 > 0:34:26I like that, I think that's really good. I...
0:34:26 > 0:34:29They could adapt that for the nuclear button, couldn't they?
0:34:29 > 0:34:33Is this known as the "Prince Andrew box" in royal circles?
0:34:39 > 0:34:42At the Thriplow Daffodil Festival, there were no daffodils.
0:34:42 > 0:34:44- Right.- Because of the warm winter,
0:34:44 > 0:34:46all the daffodils have bloomed early. Now they're dead.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49What happens at the festival when there ARE daffodils?
0:34:49 > 0:34:51- Do you just go and look at them? - Yeah, just look at them.
0:34:51 > 0:34:54Isn't it a massive blessing they weren't there?
0:34:54 > 0:34:56It sounds dreadful.
0:34:56 > 0:34:59- It's not just daffodils. - You're so miserable!- But it's...
0:34:59 > 0:35:02It's a daffodil festival. What do you expect - tulips?
0:35:02 > 0:35:05There are many different sorts of daffodil.
0:35:05 > 0:35:07- Are there? Really? - Of course there are.
0:35:07 > 0:35:08Oh, I didn't know that.
0:35:08 > 0:35:11- Different shades, different colours. - Now you've piqued my interest.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14We don't believe you without your glasses on.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16This is... Let me tell you...
0:35:16 > 0:35:18The Narcissus family is large.
0:35:20 > 0:35:23Besides, what do you do that's so exciting?
0:35:23 > 0:35:25- What do I do?- Yeah.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28Eh, I went to an asparagus festival.
0:35:29 > 0:35:33Yes, all of these things have failed to live up to their names,
0:35:33 > 0:35:37apart from Steve Shapiro, aka Captain Calamity,
0:35:37 > 0:35:38who has given up sailing.
0:35:38 > 0:35:41After being rescued nine times in a disastrous Atlantic crossing...
0:35:44 > 0:35:47Hopefully one that stretches all the way from Cornwall to America.
0:35:47 > 0:35:49Midsomer Murders is filmed in Oxfordshire,
0:35:49 > 0:35:51where no real crimes are committed,
0:35:51 > 0:35:53as we all remember from the Rebekah Brooks case.
0:35:56 > 0:35:57Time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:35:57 > 0:36:00which this week features as its guest publication,
0:36:00 > 0:36:03the Cucumber Growers' Association's e-cucumber newsletter.
0:36:03 > 0:36:05It's a fairly tasteless publication.
0:36:07 > 0:36:08And we start with...
0:36:12 > 0:36:14Check out the wait in A&E.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20APPLAUSE
0:36:24 > 0:36:27- Yes!- This is from the e-cucumber newsletter
0:36:27 > 0:36:28about a range of new recipes...
0:36:28 > 0:36:31Are they actually e-cucumbers?
0:36:31 > 0:36:33It was because it's on the internet.
0:36:33 > 0:36:35Yeah, but they're not, they're real.
0:36:35 > 0:36:38No, it's "E"... "E"... Cucumber Growers' Association's news...
0:36:38 > 0:36:40"Eee, we're from Yorkshire. Eee, cucumbers.
0:36:40 > 0:36:42- "Ah, ye can't go wrong..." - ROMESH:- No, but it should be...
0:36:42 > 0:36:44"I used to come home on a Saturday night,
0:36:44 > 0:36:46"the sheep dog'd be lying there
0:36:46 > 0:36:48"with a bit of yoghurt round his mouth, bless him.
0:36:48 > 0:36:50"What he needs is a cucumber."
0:36:50 > 0:36:52This is from the e-cucumber newsletter
0:36:52 > 0:36:53about a range of new recipes
0:36:53 > 0:36:55- designed to increase cucumber consumption.- Yes.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58E-cucumber newsletter suggests recipes such as...
0:37:00 > 0:37:03Although if you're making this at home and you don't have any cucumber
0:37:03 > 0:37:05to hand, you can always just use nothing instead.
0:37:07 > 0:37:08Next...
0:37:11 > 0:37:13Donald Trump.
0:37:13 > 0:37:14Piers Morgan.
0:37:14 > 0:37:16- ROMESH:- Skydiving.
0:37:16 > 0:37:17No.
0:37:22 > 0:37:23Yes, an American man...
0:37:23 > 0:37:26Is there a special button on the computer you should never press?
0:37:27 > 0:37:30An American man took sleeping pills and awoke the next day
0:37:30 > 0:37:32to find he'd been shopping at an online company called...
0:37:34 > 0:37:39The unnamed man cancelled the order for over 3,000, explaining...
0:37:44 > 0:37:46We should stop using that name.
0:37:46 > 0:37:49Jerry Hall is googling it and looking for wedding venues.
0:37:49 > 0:37:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:37:51 > 0:37:53Next...
0:37:55 > 0:37:59- ROMESH:- Huge duck army absolutely massacres tiny duck army.
0:38:02 > 0:38:04Faces massive BILL.
0:38:07 > 0:38:09APPLAUSE
0:38:14 > 0:38:15This is a vineyard in South Africa
0:38:15 > 0:38:19that uses an army of 800 ducks to control pests. Next...
0:38:22 > 0:38:24Does not bother woman with 19-foot corridor.
0:38:32 > 0:38:34The Cucumber Growers' Association...
0:38:34 > 0:38:36- ROMESH:- That must be...
0:38:36 > 0:38:39- That must be the finale for the daffodil festival.- Yeah.
0:38:39 > 0:38:42- Here it is. EDDIE:- Is that real?
0:38:42 > 0:38:44It looks a bit like a dirigible.
0:38:44 > 0:38:46It's got a handle in the middle of it, look.
0:38:46 > 0:38:49It's as if they're going to pick it up there and...
0:38:49 > 0:38:51- ROMESH:- Break down the doors of a massive salad.
0:38:54 > 0:38:55Next...
0:38:57 > 0:39:00As seagulls target pates.
0:39:00 > 0:39:03- Good enough.- What?!- Yes.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05LAUGHTER
0:39:08 > 0:39:11It is a bird one. This is about an owl terrorising people in Devon.
0:39:11 > 0:39:14One bald victim of the so-called Terror Owl
0:39:14 > 0:39:16was Richard Clevedon Smith,
0:39:16 > 0:39:19who reluctantly agreed to recreate the incident for the local paper.
0:39:22 > 0:39:24I see that in the photograph behind him,
0:39:24 > 0:39:26the local Beatles tribute band are...
0:39:26 > 0:39:28LAUGHTER
0:39:28 > 0:39:30..restaging the cover to Abbey Road.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33APPLAUSE
0:39:33 > 0:39:34Finally...
0:39:37 > 0:39:39Whenever Roger Beard puts on his cucumber suit,
0:39:39 > 0:39:41Roger Cucumber puts on his beard suit.
0:39:41 > 0:39:44LAUGHTER
0:39:44 > 0:39:45In fact...
0:39:45 > 0:39:48ROMESH CONTINUES LAUGHING
0:39:48 > 0:39:51Have you got a picture of the two of them standing next to each other?
0:39:51 > 0:39:53Well, actually, that's a rather moot point,
0:39:53 > 0:39:55because the answer is...
0:39:59 > 0:40:01Now, yes, here is Roger in his suit.
0:40:03 > 0:40:05What a ridiculous outfit...
0:40:05 > 0:40:07the Cucumber Growers' Association is.
0:40:08 > 0:40:11So the final scores are...
0:40:11 > 0:40:13Ian and Romesh have 4,
0:40:13 > 0:40:15Paul and Eddie have 6.
0:40:15 > 0:40:18APPLAUSE
0:40:22 > 0:40:26Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:40:26 > 0:40:28"Here, mate, want to buy an invisible kestrel?"
0:40:33 > 0:40:36On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:40:36 > 0:40:39Ian Hislop and Romesh Ranganathan, Paul Merton and Eddie Izzard.
0:40:39 > 0:40:40I leave you with news
0:40:40 > 0:40:43that at the Institute of Chartered Accountants' spring ball,
0:40:43 > 0:40:46they come to the conclusion that they're just not conga people.
0:40:50 > 0:40:53In Missouri, on hearing the words, "I could still be president",
0:40:53 > 0:40:56a child suffers an instant reaction.
0:40:59 > 0:41:01And on a walkabout in an amusement park,
0:41:01 > 0:41:04David Cameron mistakenly believes a member of the public
0:41:04 > 0:41:06is asking him to buy two ice creams.
0:41:11 > 0:41:12Goodnight.
0:41:12 > 0:41:15APPLAUSE
0:41:47 > 0:41:49Did you really do two in a day?
0:41:49 > 0:41:52It's not that hard, it's just quite hard.
0:41:52 > 0:41:54- ROMESH:- Yeah, I was thinking about doing 28.
0:41:54 > 0:41:57- EDDIE:- Yeah... No, do it, do it. Go for it.
0:41:57 > 0:41:59I'll come on the last one
0:41:59 > 0:42:01and I'll shoot you in the leg.