0:00:03 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language
0:00:24 > 0:00:27APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I'm Jo Brand. In the news this week,
0:00:43 > 0:00:46as footage emerges from the recent royal tour,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49it appears Nicholas Witchell picked the wrong moment
0:00:49 > 0:00:52to bend over and tie his shoelaces.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01In his last year in office, there are suspicions that Barack Obama
0:01:01 > 0:01:04is frittering away Secret Service resources
0:01:04 > 0:01:08as extra protection is laid on for Tiddles, the White House cat.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17And after a long day's recording, there's a sense of deja vu
0:01:17 > 0:01:19for the producers of Top Gear
0:01:19 > 0:01:22as they fail to provide Chris Evans with a steak.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35No wonder he's angry! He's got pixelated organs.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41On Ian's team tonight is an actress and comedian
0:01:41 > 0:01:45whose Twitter biography refers to her as a "Northern powerhouse",
0:01:45 > 0:01:48presumably because George Osborne has no idea where she is
0:01:48 > 0:01:51and has never given her any money.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Please welcome Diane Morgan!
0:01:53 > 0:01:55APPLAUSE
0:01:59 > 0:02:02And with Paul tonight is a business consultant and host of Countdown
0:02:02 > 0:02:06who once described me as his celebrity crush.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Only if I sat on you, mate.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Please welcome Nick Hewer.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13APPLAUSE
0:02:17 > 0:02:19And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Paul and Nick, take a look at this.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Ah, yes, the collapse of British Home Stores,
0:02:24 > 0:02:26a very famous name on the high street.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28That's their funeral collection there.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Er, baboon, er, he's the new chairman, he's come in.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34That's Sir Philip Green and money rushing in.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36So, yes, there's a bit of controversy about BHS
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- and Sir Philip Green. - It's a hell of a story.
0:02:38 > 0:02:45It's a bonfire of the vanities, an extraordinary, terrible story.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Erm...he's not a spiv.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49- He's not a spiv?- He's not a spiv. I know he's not a spiv.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52My lawyer said he's not a spiv.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55And you'll remember, he's had his run-ins in the City before.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58I don't know why you're planting this on me!
0:02:58 > 0:03:02- Because...- If you want to suggest Sir Philip Greed...Green...
0:03:02 > 0:03:04- LAUGHTER - Sorry.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:09 > 0:03:11If you want to suggest there's something fishy
0:03:11 > 0:03:14about his whole financial thing, well, you say it, not me!
0:03:14 > 0:03:18- I'm not saying he should be put inside.- Your boys on Private Eye
0:03:18 > 0:03:21will be all over it like a cheap suit.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Although perhaps not one from BHS.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Let's just do figures quickly, shall we?
0:03:26 > 0:03:30He bought it for 200 million. Fair play to him,
0:03:30 > 0:03:34it made a profit of around 500 million in less than a decade.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37But he also took out around 580 million in dividends
0:03:37 > 0:03:40and various deals for himself and his family.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Which is quite a lot to give yourself in a tax haven.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Again, I'm not saying that's odd.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52I've shoplifted in BHS, but it was never that much.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55The flipside of taking all this money out
0:03:55 > 0:03:58is that the reason it's gone bankrupt
0:03:58 > 0:04:01is there's a £570 million pension fund.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03And someone's got to pay the pensions to these employees.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Now, you'd think that might be
0:04:05 > 0:04:08someone who'd taken 400 million out himself, but no.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12It's another body, called the Pension Protection Fund,
0:04:12 > 0:04:14- which is backed by, ooh, the taxpayer.- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Oh!
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Oh, you're happy now, aren't you?
0:04:17 > 0:04:19I think BHS shutting down
0:04:19 > 0:04:22is a bit like when someone tells you that someone's died
0:04:22 > 0:04:24but you thought they'd died earlier anyway.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:32 > 0:04:35See, like, Woolworths, when that went bust,
0:04:35 > 0:04:36you know, people were genuinely sad
0:04:36 > 0:04:40because they didn't know where to get their pic'n'mix.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43That was a big issue for me!
0:04:43 > 0:04:47In all seriousness, my concern is that this little episode
0:04:47 > 0:04:50damages the whole idea of entrepreneurship.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Because entrepreneurs are meant to create money.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Spread it around. This is all apparently rocketing
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- to the South of France into Monte Carlo.- Are you suggesting
0:04:59 > 0:05:02this is more like asset stripping?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- No...- I wouldn't use that phrase.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09And what about the stuff in it? Is that good?
0:05:09 > 0:05:10I don't go to BHS.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16One thing that's weird about Philip Green -
0:05:16 > 0:05:18well, I find it weird - is that
0:05:18 > 0:05:21celebrities find him irresistible, don't they?
0:05:21 > 0:05:22How much did he spend on his birthday party?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Something like £5 million.
0:05:25 > 0:05:26And everyone was there,
0:05:26 > 0:05:29but they were there cos they'd been paid.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Which the rest of us would consider, yes, tragic.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36I got away with 200 quid for mine.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Erm, well, let's have a look at him with some beautiful people.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Here's a beautiful person - Liz Hurley, of course.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Here's another beautiful person.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48Yeah, Rita Ora. And another beautiful person...
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Yeah.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54And listen, here's Sir Philip Green with another beauty.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Aww.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58But you are a long way away.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02- Where did you find that?! - It's in my personal collection.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06It's a specialist website.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Does anyone know what the boss of M&S said about him
0:06:09 > 0:06:13- after his failed takeover of M&S in 2004?- Was that Stuart Rose?- Mmm.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16They came to blows, almost, outside the Dorchester, you know?
0:06:16 > 0:06:19- During that...- How posh of them!
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Not outside Kentucky Fried Chicken.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25He said...
0:06:34 > 0:06:35Right...
0:06:35 > 0:06:37And what's going to happen next?
0:06:37 > 0:06:42Does the parliamentary committee have the power to coerce him
0:06:42 > 0:06:45to come before them and answer questions? And apparently,
0:06:45 > 0:06:48the answer is yes. They're also talking about bringing
0:06:48 > 0:06:52Lady Christina! After all, she owns it.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56Yes. No, Frank Field seems to think that he will be
0:06:56 > 0:06:59summoned to the Commons Work & Pensions Committee...
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Let's have a look at him telling us about that.
0:07:02 > 0:07:07It's inconceivable that we wouldn't actually invite...
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Sir Philip Green to come.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14Um...he's called us a load of effing arseholes...
0:07:20 > 0:07:23I mean, that's the height of arrogance, isn't it, really?
0:07:23 > 0:07:26This is the demise of BHS and Sir Philip Green's battle
0:07:26 > 0:07:30to hold on to his title. Philip Green likes to surround himself
0:07:30 > 0:07:33with celebrities like Kate Moss, although it's less well known
0:07:33 > 0:07:36that Sir Philip has done a bit of modelling himself.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42And here's what he was modelling for.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47APPLAUSE
0:07:52 > 0:07:56In 2010, David Cameron personally appointed Sir Philip Green
0:07:56 > 0:07:58as the...
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Ah, 2010, the same year David Cameron personally appointed
0:08:02 > 0:08:06George Michael the Driving Safety Tsar.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09And Nick Clegg the Deputy Prime Minister.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Commenting on Sir Philip Green's handling of the BHS pension fund,
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Alastair Campbell said it had...
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Well, Sir Philip, you've got a yacht, you know what to do.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26APPLAUSE
0:08:29 > 0:08:33OK, Ian and Diane, take a look at this.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35The Presidential visit.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Ugh, that's the propaganda.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Good grief, that's a selfie!
0:08:42 > 0:08:45And that's Flaky!
0:08:45 > 0:08:47We had a visit by an American president,
0:08:47 > 0:08:50which was incredibly exciting.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51Um...
0:08:51 > 0:08:53It was!
0:08:53 > 0:08:57He played golf, which is...
0:08:57 > 0:08:59important on a state visit.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03And he ate two enormous meals with the royal family.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05And he advised us to stay in the EU.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06No, it was a threat!
0:09:06 > 0:09:09He said, "Unless you stay in the EU, you're going to the
0:09:09 > 0:09:12"back of the queue," which is a mistake with British people,
0:09:12 > 0:09:13cos we think, "Great, queue!
0:09:17 > 0:09:19"I'll go back again and queue up!
0:09:19 > 0:09:21"This is good."
0:09:21 > 0:09:25Are these EU/US trade deals as exciting as they sound?
0:09:25 > 0:09:26I'm gripped!
0:09:28 > 0:09:32I can barely sleep at night, going over the details.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35One being negotiated at the moment is...
0:09:35 > 0:09:38They're called the Transatlantic Trade and Investment Partnership.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Obama said, "If you don't stay in the EU,
0:09:41 > 0:09:44"you don't get this brilliant deal," which is a terrible deal
0:09:44 > 0:09:46which half of Europe is trying to throw out.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47It's basically a deal that allows
0:09:47 > 0:09:49corporate America to do what it likes.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53Having a go at Obama is very popular(!)
0:09:53 > 0:09:56What did the Brexit camp make of his intervention
0:09:56 > 0:09:58in support of staying in the EU? Were they pleased?
0:09:58 > 0:10:01- No, they were jolly cross. - They were jolly cross.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Because all they've got is Marine Le Pen.
0:10:05 > 0:10:10What did Jeremy Corbyn discuss with Obama during the 30 sparse
0:10:10 > 0:10:12minutes that he got to spend with him? Do you know?
0:10:12 > 0:10:16I think it was global capitalism and the effect on the labour market.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17That's not far off, because
0:10:17 > 0:10:20the subject of their half-hour discussion was...
0:10:27 > 0:10:29What, and Cameron had a round of golf?
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Well, I think by the time Corbyn had actually said that,
0:10:32 > 0:10:34his time was up.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40Yes, a round of golf. That was next on his agenda.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43This took place just outside Watford.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46The President's retinue blended into its surroundings.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50Here's the usual convoy of Secret Service personnel. There they are.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53And here they are in golf-course mode.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Now, David Cameron and President Obama exchanged gifts.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05This is what Obama gave Cameron.
0:11:05 > 0:11:10A custom-made Shinola men's watch engraved with the presidential seal.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13A bison-leather duffel bag monogrammed with
0:11:13 > 0:11:14the Prime Minister's initials.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Three cans of US Open tennis balls.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19And a pair of sports towels
0:11:19 > 0:11:23personalised with the UK/US friendship flags.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Whatever they are.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Sports towels?
0:11:28 > 0:11:32It's an unsubtle message, isn't it? It's "get exercising, fatty".
0:11:35 > 0:11:37This is what David Cameron gave him.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40A volume of the complete works of Shakespeare.
0:11:42 > 0:11:43Oh. That's it.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51The only thing I was interested in was, you know...
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Boris mentioned this bust of Churchill...
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- Oh, that's right.- ..that Obama had that apparently he claimed
0:11:57 > 0:12:00- he'd had removed from his office.- Yeah.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04But I'd be interested in having that if he's not put it back.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Cos I've got a Martin Luther King snow globe I could swap.
0:12:09 > 0:12:14Do you know how Churchill's grandson, Nicholas Soames, reacted?
0:12:14 > 0:12:16- Do you know what he said? - He exploded.- He was angry.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19He thought Boris was out of order to take issue with its removal,
0:12:19 > 0:12:21saying...
0:12:24 > 0:12:28- "Bogged it."- "Bogged it." Has anyone here ever bogged it?
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Well, let's take a little detour. How did Ken Livingstone
0:12:33 > 0:12:35bog it this week?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38If I'm using it in the right context.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41He came out in defence of someone that the party have now suspended.
0:12:41 > 0:12:42Naz Shah, who's an MP, yeah.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46Naz Shah, who made some rather unfortunate
0:12:46 > 0:12:53anti-Semitic posts. But as she said, it was way back in 2014.
0:12:55 > 0:13:00Which is, you know, a world away. It's like 1932, isn't it?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03The suggestion was that he said, apparently,
0:13:03 > 0:13:07that in 1932 Hitler was saying that he actually was a Zionist.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09He thought it was a jolly good idea that he wanted to ship
0:13:09 > 0:13:12all the Jews in Germany...to Israel.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16But when you're making a speech saying that somebody else
0:13:16 > 0:13:19isn't an anti-Semite, it's best to keep the words
0:13:19 > 0:13:22"Hitler" and "Jews"...
0:13:22 > 0:13:26away from each other, on the whole.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29How did Ken Livingstone avoid journalists
0:13:29 > 0:13:31after news of his suspension broke?
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Put on a pair of dungarees and went home.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36No, he actually did bog it,
0:13:36 > 0:13:38because he took cover in a disabled toilet...
0:13:38 > 0:13:41which I'm assuming is the meaning of "bogging it".
0:13:41 > 0:13:43I don't know. There he is...
0:13:43 > 0:13:45nipping into one.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49And he was in there for 20 minutes while journalists shouted
0:13:49 > 0:13:51questions about Hitler at him.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56I watched him being chased up the stairs by Mr Mann
0:13:56 > 0:13:59and being given a thumping, and he kept smiling.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02But it is something when you've got two Labour figures just
0:14:02 > 0:14:04screaming at each other. That footage is brilliant.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08Disgusting racist! Rewriting history! You're a disgusting racist!
0:14:08 > 0:14:12- Are you saying it's not true? - Yes, you're a lying racist!
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Really? Why don't you go and check the history?
0:14:14 > 0:14:17A Nazi apologist! A Nazi apologist!
0:14:17 > 0:14:20You're a disgusting Nazi apologist, Livingstone!
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Wow!
0:14:24 > 0:14:27It's a happy party(!)
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- He's got terribly long legs, you know.- Who? Ken Livingstone?
0:14:30 > 0:14:33I met him once. I met him.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36I said to him, "You've got disproportionally long legs."
0:14:39 > 0:14:42It's a true story. And he said, "I know."
0:14:42 > 0:14:43He probably thought,
0:14:43 > 0:14:47"This is the weirdest chat-up line I've ever had."
0:14:47 > 0:14:49- "Disproportionately long legs." - Look at him next time.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51- Very long legs. - DIANE:- That's true. I met him.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54He does have long legs. Yeah.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56LAUGHTER
0:14:56 > 0:15:00- Was that it?- Was that what? - All you thought?- No.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02He gave me a mince pie.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08Well, if we can just go back to the subject of Brexit for a bit,
0:15:08 > 0:15:12Nick, how well do you think the two campaigns are doing?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Cos you're a bit of a PR expert, aren't you?
0:15:14 > 0:15:18I think that it's a very close thing, but I think there's always
0:15:18 > 0:15:21room for an event, isn't there, quite near the end?
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Quite near polling day,
0:15:23 > 0:15:27something might suddenly jump out of the salad and surprise us all.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Do you mean an event as in something happening that...?
0:15:30 > 0:15:34Do you remember Macmillan? "Events, dear boy, events."
0:15:34 > 0:15:35Something could happen.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Yeah, but he didn't have the salad metaphor, which is brilliant.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41I'm thinking an enormous cockroach.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44I'm thinking about Billy Connolly.
0:15:46 > 0:15:47Do you know that story?
0:15:48 > 0:15:52He used to go to parties and put his penis on a plate
0:15:52 > 0:15:57and put salad over it and then walk round and people would...
0:15:57 > 0:15:59And he would pick a bit off and...
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- Who told you this?! - Maybe I dreamt that.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07I read it somewhere.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11Where did you read this? Made-Up Stories For Incredulous People?
0:16:11 > 0:16:13- I think I read it in The Lady. - Ah, yes.
0:16:15 > 0:16:16I might be wrong.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Well, they've got their finger on the pulse, certainly.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23Anyway, if I'm in prison next week, it's because he's put me there.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28OK, right, now, writing in The Times, Michael Gove said that
0:16:28 > 0:16:32if we didn't have to give 350 million a week to the EU,
0:16:32 > 0:16:35we'd have more money to spend on the NHS.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37What current problem could that solve?
0:16:37 > 0:16:40The other side just said, well, then, we wouldn't have all these
0:16:40 > 0:16:44immigrants coming in, filling all the jobs at the NHS.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47No, this is about the junior doctors who've been on strike again
0:16:47 > 0:16:52over their new contract as Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt says
0:16:52 > 0:16:55he wants to see a seven-day NHS.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57One striking doctor held up a placard which said...
0:17:03 > 0:17:05As an extra precaution, if anyone had to suddenly go
0:17:05 > 0:17:09into hospital, what could they take with them if they wanted to?
0:17:09 > 0:17:11- A relative.- Well, they could,
0:17:11 > 0:17:15but they could also take a Freezone Card.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19Have a look at this. This is a Hunt Freezone, and it says...
0:17:28 > 0:17:30APPLAUSE
0:17:32 > 0:17:34This is Barack Obama's visit to the UK.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38David Cameron and Barack Obama enjoyed a round of golf together,
0:17:38 > 0:17:41though even the presidential golf buggy had to be followed
0:17:41 > 0:17:43by a motorcade of Secret Service men.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Still, they were on a golf course -
0:17:45 > 0:17:47that's an awful lot of grassy knolls.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55This week saw the latest round of strikes by junior doctors
0:17:55 > 0:17:59with doctors on the picket line shouting, "Scab! Scab! Scab!"
0:17:59 > 0:18:01and patients responding, "I know.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03"If I come back tomorrow, will you look at it?"
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Meanwhile, Ken Livingstone has been suspended from the Labour Party
0:18:08 > 0:18:12for attempting to defend Naz Shah's anti-Semitic comments.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13Livingstone said...
0:18:22 > 0:18:25I'm not sure whether that was Hitler or Ken.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Teams, now, here's another one.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Yes, this is the extraordinary story of Hillsborough.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Kelvin MacKenzie, the editor of the Sun.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Basically, people were demonised.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41Football fans in the 1980s were seen as hooligans, drunk the whole time.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44There had been lots of pitch invasions, so therefore
0:18:44 > 0:18:47you had these fences put up. Ken Bates, the Chelsea chairman,
0:18:47 > 0:18:49wanted to put up electrified fences, I remember...
0:18:49 > 0:18:51So this was how people viewed football fans.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54The truth of the matter is that amongst these 96 people were
0:18:54 > 0:18:57working-class people, middle-class people, people from Liverpool,
0:18:57 > 0:18:59people outside of Liverpool.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02And it took 27 years to come out.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06Which sort of makes Chilcot look fast.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09This is the news that the Hillsborough families had
0:19:09 > 0:19:12succeeded in their 27-year campaign. It was celebrated on the front
0:19:12 > 0:19:14pages of the national press...
0:19:14 > 0:19:17The Guardian, the Mirror...
0:19:17 > 0:19:19The Star...
0:19:19 > 0:19:21The i...
0:19:21 > 0:19:22The Telegraph...
0:19:22 > 0:19:25And the Sun...
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Absolutely no sign of Hillsborough there.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30- At all.- The fact that the Murdoch papers didn't run it because of
0:19:30 > 0:19:33their embarrassment about having run headlines that said
0:19:33 > 0:19:37"The Truth..." And then they got it all wrong and they just fed
0:19:37 > 0:19:39exactly what the police said to them.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41And then they stuck to that line for years.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44I mean, there was extraordinary collaboration to make sure
0:19:44 > 0:19:48- there was one story put out.- After the tragedy, 164 police statements
0:19:48 > 0:19:51submitted to the Justice Taylor report were altered,
0:19:51 > 0:19:54and most of the alterations were to remove criticism
0:19:54 > 0:19:58of the police operation and senior officers' lack of leadership.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00If you want to learn more about the findings
0:20:00 > 0:20:02of the Hillsborough inquest,
0:20:02 > 0:20:05you can read in-depth analysis on the BBC website,
0:20:05 > 0:20:07and if you want to know less, then read the Sun.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11APPLAUSE
0:20:15 > 0:20:18And so to round two, The One-Armed Bandit of News.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22Bloop!
0:20:26 > 0:20:28BUZZER
0:20:28 > 0:20:30This is the astronaut in space - Tim Peake, is it?
0:20:30 > 0:20:34And 26 miles, he ran round the... On a little sort of space thing there.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38- Do you mean a treadmill?- Treadmill. Actually, if he stands still,
0:20:38 > 0:20:41he does more than 26 miles, cos he's orbiting the earth, so he's...
0:20:41 > 0:20:45Yeah, he ran the marathon cos the cameras were on him
0:20:45 > 0:20:48and he ran and ran and ran and everybody was very happy at the end.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52- That's nothing compared to you, is it? A marathon?- No.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56- You did how many?- 135 miles. - Yeah, just like that.- In an hour.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58In an hour?!
0:20:58 > 0:20:59That's fantastic!
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Oh, all right...
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Were you parachuting out of a plane?
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- Seven days.- Seven days.- Yes.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11- You had sticks.- I had sticks?
0:21:11 > 0:21:14- I saw you with the sticks. - Oh, yeah, I know, but...
0:21:14 > 0:21:17- Were they helpful?- They are quite helpful,
0:21:17 > 0:21:18but I didn't really use them
0:21:18 > 0:21:21very much because they make you look like a twat.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26No, they really do.
0:21:26 > 0:21:31People are thinking, "Is she skiing? There's no snow, what is she doing?"
0:21:31 > 0:21:32It does look like...
0:21:32 > 0:21:35You might have been approaching a giant Chinese meal.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Actually, Tim Peake, he broke a world record
0:21:38 > 0:21:41- for running a marathon in space. - Was he dressed up?
0:21:44 > 0:21:48- Tim Peake?- It seems like he's showing off, really, you know.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50He's already in space, why run a marathon?
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Yeah, you're right.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56How do you even run a marathon in zero gravity?
0:21:56 > 0:22:00- He was strapped down so he didn't float away.- OK.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02You mustn't leave the window open.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09That's right. They strapped me to the treadmill,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12but that's cos I kept trying to get away!
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Let's have a look at Tim on his machine. Here we go.
0:22:16 > 0:22:17That is clever.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19- NICK:- He's got chains, look at that.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22He's not THAT happy, is he?
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Is it just me or is he upside down?
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Back down here on earth,
0:22:26 > 0:22:30who slightly undermined Tim's incredible achievement?
0:22:30 > 0:22:32All those other people in the marathon.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Yeah, well, there was one man called Martin Hewlett, who set the
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Guinness World Record for the fastest earth marathon
0:22:38 > 0:22:41dressed as an astronaut.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Running in a costume that can be dangerously dehydrating,
0:22:44 > 0:22:47here he is before the race.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49That's him in the middle.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Here he is after finishing.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Although, I think, in terms of suffering,
0:22:57 > 0:23:00I'm not sure anyone beats this guy.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05I know what you're thinking, but don't worry -
0:23:05 > 0:23:09a bloke dressed as Simon of Cyrene came and took it off him soon after.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Have I got my Bible facts right there, Ian?
0:23:12 > 0:23:15- Terrific.- Great to hear a Simon of Cyrene joke.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19There've been very few for about 2,000 years!
0:23:19 > 0:23:23Simon of Cyrene walks into a pub and says...
0:23:24 > 0:23:27"I'll take your pint off you."
0:23:27 > 0:23:29At the last supper, they're all sitting round
0:23:29 > 0:23:32and Jesus turns to the disciples and he says,
0:23:32 > 0:23:36"I'm afraid that one of you, by this time tomorrow morning,
0:23:36 > 0:23:38"will have betrayed me."
0:23:38 > 0:23:41And Peter says, "Is it I, Jesus?" He says, "No, it is not you, Peter,
0:23:41 > 0:23:43"you are one of the most faithful of all my apostles."
0:23:43 > 0:23:46And James said, "Is it I, Jesus, is it I, James?"
0:23:46 > 0:23:50"No, James, you are very faithful. And Judas says, "Is it I, Jesus?"
0:23:50 > 0:23:52- And Jesus said... - MOCKING TONE:- "Is it I, Jesus?"
0:23:57 > 0:23:59True story.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Deuteronomy 26: 34, 85.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Or whatever bus routes go near there.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10There were quite a few other novelty marathon records set in London.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13- Can you name any of them? - Yes, Mirror Man.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15- Not Mirror Man?- No.- No.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Cabbage Boy!
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Brought up by rogue cauliflower in the jungle.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22No, no.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26- Well, they're the only two I saw. - There was a dinosaur, wasn't there?
0:24:26 > 0:24:29There was a dinosaur, but, actually, record-setters -
0:24:29 > 0:24:32there was the fastest marathon by someone dressed as an elf,
0:24:32 > 0:24:37fastest marathon by someone wearing chainmail and...
0:24:40 > 0:24:44The six-foot hot dog crossed the line in three hours, 57 minutes,
0:24:44 > 0:24:46closely followed by me.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- Has anyone here ever run the marathon?- No.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Oh, I'm not speaking for everyone.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57There's several people up there, look, there we are.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Oh, look at that, that's quite a lot.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Look, you're all on that side, so obviously you are more energetic
0:25:02 > 0:25:06cos you walked a bit further to your seats, maybe.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Congratulations, well done. Has anyone ever...?
0:25:08 > 0:25:12No-one's been to space in here, have they?
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Has anyone?
0:25:14 > 0:25:15No, didn't think so.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Sarah Brightman's pulled out, hasn't she, of space?
0:25:19 > 0:25:21- DIANE:- Oh, yeah! Mm.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- Was this on the Richard Branson trip?- Yeah.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27- Cos that's always a bit delayed, isn't it?- She paid a fortune!
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Well, it was 200 grand, I think it was, wasn't it?
0:25:29 > 0:25:31She was going to sing up there, as well, wasn't she?
0:25:31 > 0:25:34I Lost My Heart To A Starship Trooper, was it?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36A MAN LAUGHS LOUDLY
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Thank you! There's Andrew Lloyd Webber.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43I once met Andrew Lloyd Webber at a city airport and I went,
0:25:43 > 0:25:47"Good afternoon, Mr Lloyd Webber," and he went, "Mmmmph."
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Like that, as if he really hated me.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Which he probably does, actually, but there we go.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55If you look very closely at Andrew Lloyd Webber,
0:25:55 > 0:25:59you see Princess Margaret.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05Is she inside him?
0:26:05 > 0:26:07- She is there.- That's grotesque!
0:26:07 > 0:26:10- No, he is Princess Margaret.- Is he?
0:26:10 > 0:26:13- Look, you study it and tell me I'm wrong.- Oh, I am having a look now.
0:26:13 > 0:26:14Well, let's have a look.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Isn't that right?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24There's a certain something.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Right, why did this lady, Betty Barker,
0:26:27 > 0:26:30think Tim Peake was drunk last Christmas Eve?
0:26:30 > 0:26:32She works in his local pub?
0:26:34 > 0:26:38He came in, he said, "I'm going into space next year."
0:26:38 > 0:26:41He called her from the Space Station by mistake
0:26:41 > 0:26:43after getting the wrong number on his space phone
0:26:43 > 0:26:44when he was trying to call home.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Oh. She was lucky there was a photographer there
0:26:47 > 0:26:48to capture the moment.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54APPLAUSE
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Well, Betty Barker thought he was a drunken reveller
0:26:57 > 0:26:59looking for a good time.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03She's optimistic, old Betty, isn't she?
0:27:03 > 0:27:06And she said...
0:27:13 > 0:27:15And she said...
0:27:21 > 0:27:23- That was quite picky. - It is a bit.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27Extraterrestrials may have been trying to contact us for decades...
0:27:29 > 0:27:30..but they speak to the wrong people.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Betty Barker fucked it up.
0:27:32 > 0:27:33Anyway...
0:27:33 > 0:27:37Finally, shall we see how Tim Peake is inspiring a nation of youngsters
0:27:37 > 0:27:39- to reach for the stars?- Absolutely.
0:27:39 > 0:27:40Here we go.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43- You look like an astronaut - are you going to be an astronaut?- No.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54According to his CV, Tim Peake is not only an astronaut, he is...
0:27:58 > 0:28:01He also has realistic hair and gripping hands.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Which means, at the end of this round,
0:28:05 > 0:28:09Paul and Nick have four and Ian and Diane have three.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11APPLAUSE
0:28:15 > 0:28:19OK. Time now for the Odd-One-Out Round.
0:28:19 > 0:28:24Paul and Nick, your four are a spelling test for schoolchildren,
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Bernie Clifton's new album,
0:28:26 > 0:28:27the Sinner's Bible
0:28:27 > 0:28:31and the village of Mela Thiruvenkatanathapuram in India.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34- That's a... - APPLAUSE
0:28:34 > 0:28:37- Very good.- Thank you.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39Is that the place that's got a railway station
0:28:39 > 0:28:40where they say, "We're here."
0:28:40 > 0:28:43Erm... So, spelling tests.
0:28:43 > 0:28:44Wasn't there something the other week
0:28:44 > 0:28:47about there were some kids had been given a spelling test
0:28:47 > 0:28:48they'd already seen?
0:28:48 > 0:28:51The real test happened to be exactly the same - is that the story?
0:28:51 > 0:28:53- Yes.- That's that. OK. So the Sinner's Bible...
0:28:53 > 0:28:57That was an early Bible, where it had a misprint in it.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59- Ah, yes. - And in the Ten Commandments,
0:28:59 > 0:29:03instead of saying "thou shalt...not kill", they'd left the "not" out.
0:29:03 > 0:29:05Was it kill, or adultery?
0:29:05 > 0:29:09- That was adultery.- It was adultery. That's why people got excited,
0:29:09 > 0:29:10because...
0:29:10 > 0:29:12It said "thou shalt commit".
0:29:13 > 0:29:15Did you say Bernie Clifton's got a new album out?
0:29:15 > 0:29:18- Yes, he has. - And what's interesting?
0:29:18 > 0:29:20They printed the songs of a death-metal band
0:29:20 > 0:29:23instead of his own titles.
0:29:24 > 0:29:26There must be a spelling mistake in the name of that town, then.
0:29:26 > 0:29:30- I think I've got it.- Test for the children, because it's been changed.
0:29:30 > 0:29:33- That's the odd one out. - That is the right answer.
0:29:33 > 0:29:35In all the other three cases...
0:29:35 > 0:29:38- There have been... - A misprint, a mistake.
0:29:38 > 0:29:40- Yes, that's right. Absolutely. - Whereas, with this town,
0:29:40 > 0:29:42- they've got it completely right.- No, no.
0:29:42 > 0:29:46- I said that Paul had got it right. - What you asking him for?
0:29:46 > 0:29:50- You might as well ask the cat. - I said before he'd got it right.
0:29:50 > 0:29:52But between you you've got it, so one point each.
0:29:52 > 0:29:54They've all featured misprints,
0:29:54 > 0:29:58except the spelling test for UK seven-year-olds,
0:29:58 > 0:30:00which appeared online correctly before the exam took place.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02- NICK:- Ah.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05- Do you know how the error was discovered?- Somebody spotted it.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09Correct. A primary school teacher noticed that...
0:30:15 > 0:30:19One would hope that at least one of them would.
0:30:19 > 0:30:22Where do they get this knowledge from?
0:30:24 > 0:30:28Who else had an embarrassing week with writing and all that?
0:30:28 > 0:30:29Shakespeare.
0:30:29 > 0:30:32Well, it could have been, but it wasn't, no, it was someone that...
0:30:32 > 0:30:36- Was it Nicky Morgan?- Yes, it was Nicky Morgan. Do you know why?
0:30:36 > 0:30:39- She managed to spell something wrong on a letter.- That's right.
0:30:39 > 0:30:43She wrote a letter justifying education proposals
0:30:43 > 0:30:45and signed it off like this...
0:30:46 > 0:30:49AUDIENCE GROANS
0:30:50 > 0:30:52Sounds like a Mary Poppins track.
0:30:52 > 0:30:54# Yours sincerily... #
0:30:56 > 0:30:59But why is that particularly embarrassing for Nicky Morgan?
0:30:59 > 0:31:01And not just cos she's Education Secretary.
0:31:01 > 0:31:04Cos she's always said that all schools should be academies.
0:31:04 > 0:31:08No, it's because sincerely is on the government's own list of words
0:31:08 > 0:31:10that ten-year-olds should be able to spell.
0:31:12 > 0:31:15And we've already mentioned the mix-up
0:31:15 > 0:31:18at the launch of veteran entertainer Bernie Clifton's new album.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20Can you explain why he's on an ostrich?
0:31:20 > 0:31:23That was his act. Those aren't his legs.
0:31:23 > 0:31:25No, don't give it away!
0:31:27 > 0:31:29The magic is spilling out.
0:31:29 > 0:31:32You're making me feel stupid now.
0:31:32 > 0:31:36Bernie's album's been misprinted with a track listing, as you said,
0:31:36 > 0:31:38of the new album belonging to
0:31:38 > 0:31:40death-metal band Abhorrent Decimation.
0:31:45 > 0:31:46Cheery Bernie Clifton said...
0:31:50 > 0:31:52Well, not to your face, mate.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55Bernie's trying to relaunch his career,
0:31:55 > 0:31:57but with one big difference - what is it?
0:31:57 > 0:31:59- He's not doing the ostrich any more? - That's right, he's ditched it.
0:31:59 > 0:32:02- Really?- Mm. And he says this...
0:32:08 > 0:32:11But you kept giving it to them, Bernie, you whore.
0:32:16 > 0:32:21Now, the village Mela Thiruvenkatanathapuram, right?
0:32:21 > 0:32:26What idiot managed to misprint the name of Mela Thir...thing?
0:32:26 > 0:32:29It was actually a New York Times journalist who was writing
0:32:29 > 0:32:33an article about...a place in India where possible future
0:32:33 > 0:32:37Supreme Court Judge Sri Srinivasan comes from.
0:32:37 > 0:32:39And how did they make amends?
0:32:39 > 0:32:42By printing it again, but again making a different mistake.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44Well, they published this apology.
0:32:52 > 0:32:55SHE MUMBLES THE PLACE NAME
0:32:56 > 0:33:01I just, I've said it once, I really don't think I can do it again.
0:33:01 > 0:33:04Now, 1,000 copies of the so-called Wicked Bible,
0:33:04 > 0:33:07or the Sinner's Bible, were published in 1631 and it was
0:33:07 > 0:33:10so called, of course, because it contained
0:33:10 > 0:33:14a misprint in the seventh of the ten commandments so it read....
0:33:17 > 0:33:21How long did it take the puritans of the 17th century to pick up
0:33:21 > 0:33:23- on this mistake?- Six months.
0:33:23 > 0:33:25- A year.- A year?- I know.
0:33:25 > 0:33:27I was wrong by 50%.
0:33:27 > 0:33:31And the commandments are quite near the front, apparently. So weird.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33Must have been quite a year, though.
0:33:35 > 0:33:37The whole of Christendom at it.
0:33:40 > 0:33:44Now, Isis fighters were also the subject of an unfortunate
0:33:44 > 0:33:46typo by an American news channel.
0:33:46 > 0:33:50- Did anyone see what NBC said they'd been getting up to?- No.
0:33:50 > 0:33:52A tweet stated that...
0:33:58 > 0:34:01Wait till they find out Goldilocks slept in three different beds -
0:34:01 > 0:34:03they'll stone her to death.
0:34:03 > 0:34:06GROANS AND LAUGHTER
0:34:06 > 0:34:07Sorry.
0:34:07 > 0:34:09No, I'm not.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12The New York Times article talked about one resident
0:34:12 > 0:34:16of Mela Thiruvenkatanathapuram who was famous for...
0:34:18 > 0:34:22Mind you, that was just when supporting the local football team.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24"Give us an M!"
0:34:28 > 0:34:30Ian and Diane, here are yours.
0:34:30 > 0:34:32Hermione Granger, Anne Hathaway,
0:34:32 > 0:34:36the moons of Uranus and Tottenham Hotspur.
0:34:36 > 0:34:39- I think this is a Shakespeare question.- Yes.
0:34:39 > 0:34:44Cos Hermione is named after Hermione in The Winter's Tale.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47The moons of Uranus are all Shakespeare characters.
0:34:47 > 0:34:50Tottenham Hotspur - Harry Hotspur in Henry IV 1.
0:34:50 > 0:34:52Crikey, Ian!
0:34:52 > 0:34:54Anyone would think I'd done a degree.
0:34:55 > 0:34:58That was a hell of a football match, Henry 4-1.
0:34:59 > 0:35:01Went into extra time.
0:35:01 > 0:35:04- And who's that?- Anne Hathaway.
0:35:04 > 0:35:07That was Shakespeare's wife, but not a character,
0:35:07 > 0:35:08so she's the odd one out.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10Correct!
0:35:10 > 0:35:11APPLAUSE
0:35:15 > 0:35:18When you go back to the 17th century, you can't touch him -
0:35:18 > 0:35:19he's red-hot.
0:35:22 > 0:35:26Now, many of Uranus' moons have been named after Shakespearean
0:35:26 > 0:35:30characters, as you said, such as Titania, Oberon, Ariel and Puck.
0:35:30 > 0:35:32But what did the discovers of Pluto's moons
0:35:32 > 0:35:36do about naming them which caused controversy?
0:35:36 > 0:35:37Oh, was it Moony McMoonface?
0:35:41 > 0:35:44- NICK:- They ask the public, did they? - They ask the public?
0:35:44 > 0:35:46No, they asked an actor - William Shatner.
0:35:46 > 0:35:48- Oh, fantastic.- Yep.
0:35:48 > 0:35:50And he suggested Vulcan.
0:35:50 > 0:35:52- It's quite good, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:35:52 > 0:35:54It has a remarkable 27 moons,
0:35:54 > 0:35:57but what else is distinctive about Ur-ANus?
0:36:00 > 0:36:02Well, it's been pronounced UR-anus since 1978.
0:36:02 > 0:36:04Only if you're an American, Paul.
0:36:04 > 0:36:07- No, British scientists have all signed up to it.- Oh, do they?
0:36:07 > 0:36:09- Yeah, to stop us laughing at Ur-ANus.- OK.
0:36:09 > 0:36:10And the rings around it.
0:36:13 > 0:36:14It's not working, is it?
0:36:14 > 0:36:17Wondering whether they'd be able to put a man on there.
0:36:19 > 0:36:21It was the first planet to be discovered,
0:36:21 > 0:36:25right, by Sir William Herschel in 1781, because all the others
0:36:25 > 0:36:29had been known about and visible for thousands of years.
0:36:29 > 0:36:33Now, in an interview for American radio, JK Rowling said that
0:36:33 > 0:36:37she'd named Harry Potter's Hermione after a character in...
0:36:37 > 0:36:39- The Winter's Tale.- Yes, very good.
0:36:39 > 0:36:44She said a lot of people in America pronounce it Hermy-one.
0:36:48 > 0:36:52"Lots of people in America", that sounds very scientific, yeah.
0:36:52 > 0:36:55- I used to think that Penelope was pronounced Penny-loap.- Me too.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58The word discotheque has long disappeared,
0:36:58 > 0:37:01but a friend of mine thought it was disc-o-the-queue.
0:37:02 > 0:37:06Mind you, another friend of mine thought doing was pronounced dawing.
0:37:09 > 0:37:12Anyway, they are all named after Shakespeare's characters,
0:37:12 > 0:37:15apart from Anne Hathaway, who's named after his wife.
0:37:15 > 0:37:19In a live BBC sketch to mark the 400th anniversary
0:37:19 > 0:37:21of Shakespeare's death, Prince Charles played the part
0:37:21 > 0:37:25of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, so he didn't even get to be king in that.
0:37:28 > 0:37:30APPLAUSE
0:37:32 > 0:37:34Which means, at the end of this round,
0:37:34 > 0:37:39Paul and Nick have five and Ian and Diane have six.
0:37:39 > 0:37:41APPLAUSE
0:37:46 > 0:37:48Time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:37:48 > 0:37:53which this week features as its guest publication Deposits Magazine,
0:37:53 > 0:37:56the magazine of rocks, fossils and geology
0:37:56 > 0:37:58which, when it comes to its own content,
0:37:58 > 0:38:00can't always make its mind up...
0:38:03 > 0:38:05And we start with...
0:38:08 > 0:38:11Knock Keith Chegwin's confidence.
0:38:16 > 0:38:18This is the story of Reza Beluchi,
0:38:18 > 0:38:22who attempted to walk across the ocean from Florida to Bermuda
0:38:22 > 0:38:25in a large inflatable plastic bubble.
0:38:26 > 0:38:28After being rescued by the coastguard,
0:38:28 > 0:38:30Beluchi popped the bubble and stepped out of it, saying,
0:38:30 > 0:38:33"I feel like I've really let myself down."
0:38:39 > 0:38:41I think it was "the dinosaurs died out",
0:38:41 > 0:38:43but I heard they "dined out for no apparent reason".
0:38:43 > 0:38:45No. It is, in fact...
0:38:49 > 0:38:51Brexit.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54- Exactly. The dinosaurs' departure... - Tyrannosaurus Brexit!
0:38:54 > 0:38:57AUDIENCE GROANS Thank you very much indeed.
0:38:57 > 0:39:00APPLAUSE
0:39:00 > 0:39:02Next...
0:39:04 > 0:39:05- NICK:- Merkin.- Merkin!
0:39:07 > 0:39:09Settlement. Foot.
0:39:09 > 0:39:11Head.
0:39:11 > 0:39:12Arm.
0:39:12 > 0:39:13Kidney.
0:39:13 > 0:39:15Centipede bigger than a human kidney.
0:39:15 > 0:39:17Foot, head, arm, finger.
0:39:17 > 0:39:19Centipede bigger than a human...
0:39:22 > 0:39:25- Bigger than an actual human?- Yes.
0:39:25 > 0:39:28Imagine that coming out of your salad, Nick.
0:39:31 > 0:39:34I think that's pretty much the Billy Connolly experience.
0:39:37 > 0:39:38Sorry!
0:39:38 > 0:39:40APPLAUSE
0:39:41 > 0:39:43Finally...
0:39:44 > 0:39:45- Nick:- Chokes.
0:39:50 > 0:39:52Is it there's nothing missing? "Man with giant foot"?
0:39:53 > 0:39:55- No, there is. It's...- Yeah?
0:39:59 > 0:40:01A traffic warden in South London ticketed a giant foot
0:40:01 > 0:40:03that parked outside Balham Tube Station.
0:40:03 > 0:40:05Here's the traffic warden
0:40:05 > 0:40:07giving the foot a parking ticket.
0:40:09 > 0:40:12To be fair, the foot had just broken down
0:40:12 > 0:40:15and it was waiting for a "toe truck".
0:40:17 > 0:40:20So, the final scores are -
0:40:20 > 0:40:22Paul and Nick have five,
0:40:22 > 0:40:25but Ian and Diane have seven.
0:40:25 > 0:40:27APPLAUSE
0:40:31 > 0:40:32But before we go,
0:40:32 > 0:40:36there's just time for the caption competition.
0:40:36 > 0:40:38- DIANE:- Bet you a quid I can lose my hand.
0:40:42 > 0:40:45Don't put your keys in me - I'm not a handbag yet!
0:40:47 > 0:40:50On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:40:50 > 0:40:53Ian Hislop and Diane Morgan, Paul Merton and Nick Hewer.
0:40:53 > 0:40:57And I leave you with news that, after drastic budget cuts,
0:40:57 > 0:40:59it looks like the next Star Wars movie
0:40:59 > 0:41:01could be a little disappointing.
0:41:05 > 0:41:09In Cambridge, a long-running feud in the council traffic department
0:41:09 > 0:41:11escalates to full-on civil war.
0:41:17 > 0:41:19And in Glasgow, there's terror as the police are called in
0:41:19 > 0:41:23to identify a mysterious and suspicious package.
0:41:28 > 0:41:30Good night!
0:41:30 > 0:41:34APPLAUSE