0:00:27 > 0:00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:43Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm David Tennant.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45In the news this week there is evidence that Britain's
0:00:45 > 0:00:49loneliest man has been just a little too judgmental on Tinder.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59In Glasgow, as Rangers are promoted back to the Premier League
0:00:59 > 0:01:00to play Celtic again,
0:01:00 > 0:01:04one group of workers calculate the effect on their overtime payments.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11And there's consternation for the Beckham household as the children's
0:01:11 > 0:01:16entertainer booked for Harper's fifth birthday blows out the candles.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31On Ian's team tonight is a comedian in his 20s who ends his blog
0:01:31 > 0:01:33with the words "Wang out".
0:01:33 > 0:01:37As opposed to when he's on Snapchat, "Wang out" is how he starts.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Please welcome Phil Wang!
0:01:39 > 0:01:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:46 > 0:01:50And with Paul tonight is a journalist and broadcaster who says
0:01:50 > 0:01:53she's always complaining about her neighbour's leaf blower.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55It's a constant infuriating racket
0:01:55 > 0:01:57and the leaf blower is the only way to drown it out.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Please welcome Janet Street-Porter!
0:02:00 > 0:02:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:03 > 0:02:05So we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Paul and Janet, take a look at this.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Yes, of course, this is the triumph of the Foxes, Leicester City.
0:02:11 > 0:02:17- There's...- One of their fans. Hang on, David Tennant, isn't that you?
0:02:17 > 0:02:21I was Richard II, not Richard III.
0:02:21 > 0:02:22You're just being pedantic,
0:02:22 > 0:02:27I think. But you do rather resemble the statue of Richard III.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31- Really?!- Yes! - I don't own a hat like that.- No.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Haven't people said that Leicester City's good fortunes have
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- coincided with the reburial?- Yeah.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Since he was dug up from the car park
0:02:40 > 0:02:43and buried in Leicester Cathedral, Leicester City
0:02:43 > 0:02:46were on the brink of relegation and now they've won the Premier League.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48And what's happened at the same time to the City of York?
0:02:48 > 0:02:52- They've been relegated.- Exactly!- Oh, my God!- Exactly! They're claiming
0:02:52 > 0:02:56- Richard III should have been buried in York Minster.- Yes!
0:02:56 > 0:02:58They lost the battle for Richard's remains
0:02:58 > 0:03:01and now York City have been relegated from the Football League altogether.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04- Well, let's start the Battle Of The Roses again!- JANET:- Yeah.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08Is it true that Keith Vaz, the MP for Leicester,
0:03:08 > 0:03:11has not taken off his Leicester scarf since they won
0:03:11 > 0:03:14and he's even worn it in the House of Commons?
0:03:14 > 0:03:17- Oh, filthy bastard.- He'll do anything to get...
0:03:17 > 0:03:20- No, he asked a question. - Wearing the Leicester scarf.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24- How sad is that?- Would the Prime Minister agree that it's marvellous?
0:03:24 > 0:03:26And Cameron said, "Oh, yes, footie ball."
0:03:28 > 0:03:30He's got as much interest in the sport as I have.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33I'm not sure why it is exciting.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Aren't they owned by incredibly rich oligarchs like everyone else?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39I think they're owned by a Thai billionaire.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42So I'm considering this a win for Southeast Asia.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46- So it's not really a rags-to-riches story.- No!
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- It's more sort of riches to more riches.- Quite.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Well, that's heart-warming.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53- The captain is already writing his life story, isn't he?- Mm.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56He sold it for a great deal of money.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- And will there be a film?- Yes.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02- Are you in it, David? - Not yet, but...
0:04:02 > 0:04:06Vardy. I only learned his name yesterday. Vardy.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10- I did a lot of work before this thing.- Did you?
0:04:10 > 0:04:13- Is that how you refer to this programme, "This thing"?- Yeah.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17I thought, "Football is coming up. I really need to know my stuff."
0:04:17 > 0:04:20- So I know why they won. - Yes.- 4-4-2.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21Oh, really?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23APPLAUSE
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Tell us about that, Ian. Tell us about 4-4-2.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Um, well, you've got, um...
0:04:31 > 0:04:35- Here we go! - ..ten players together.- Uh-huh.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37- Four of them are in one bit...- Yeah?
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Four of them in another and two right over there in another bit.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45The only thing I read about it that really interests me
0:04:45 > 0:04:49is that before the game, they have Buddhist monks who...
0:04:49 > 0:04:53I mean, this is probably a doping story. It's certainly cheating.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56The Buddhist monks come in and chant and pray for victory.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00- Yes.- And apparently it works. Every time.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02I've got mine right here.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- There we go, guys.- Om....
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- How tall are these people? - They're very small.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16- Very small?- They've also challenged conventional wisdom
0:05:16 > 0:05:20because they play most of the time without the ball.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22What does that mean?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25It means they are statistically in possession for only 46%
0:05:25 > 0:05:26of the match.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30The Buddhist monks just pray and then the ball floats...
0:05:30 > 0:05:33to the goal. It's a Thai technique. You wouldn't understand.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37I should say, I'm not Thai. This could get quite confusing.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40I should say I'm not either.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44I'm not, but I can be for a role.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Actually not.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49How did the manager Claudio Ranieri win people over?
0:05:49 > 0:05:52- He went to see his mum. - His 96-year-old mum lives in Rome.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56- Yeah, he went straight to see his mum. He had lunch with her.- Yes.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58And share the good news with her.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00- He's generally been incredibly nice and charming.- Mm.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04And won people over. He's never criticised referees or other managers,
0:06:04 > 0:06:08and at press conferences he went around the room shaking hands with every journalist present.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12- Mm.- But how had he been treated by the media last September?
0:06:12 > 0:06:13Was that when he first joined them?
0:06:13 > 0:06:16I suppose they would have dragged up the memories of him being
0:06:16 > 0:06:19- manager of Chelsea ten years before.- Well, he'd just been sacked.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- Oh, had he?- As manager of Greece. - Oh, bloody hell.- Yeah.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24That takes some doing!
0:06:26 > 0:06:28It was following their defeat by the Faroe Islands,
0:06:28 > 0:06:30when he was called...
0:06:31 > 0:06:33He was called...
0:06:35 > 0:06:38And was favourite to be the first manager of the season to be sacked.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Finger on the pulse from the country's press, there.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45How did Claudio Ranieri make his players pay attention to him?
0:06:45 > 0:06:49- Oh, didn't he do that dilly-dongy bell thing?- That's exactly it.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52He rings an imaginary bell and shouts...
0:06:55 > 0:06:57It sounds like a morris dancer.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01Well, I think it's being entered for Eurovision this year.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03I'm sure you've all seen Leicester players
0:07:03 > 0:07:07celebrating at Jamie Vardy's house just after they became the champions.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Let's have a look.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11WILD CHEERING
0:07:15 > 0:07:17CHEERING CONTINUES
0:07:23 > 0:07:25A measured response!
0:07:25 > 0:07:28They say the Premier League is overhyped these days
0:07:28 > 0:07:30and that people get too excited about it.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33So let's compare those Leicester players with some footage
0:07:33 > 0:07:36taken in the home of Lee Chapman from Leeds United
0:07:36 > 0:07:40and his team-mates just minutes after they'd won the league title in 1992.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42It's a champagne occasion
0:07:42 > 0:07:44and we are in Boroughbridge in the home of Lee Chapman.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47- Thanks... - LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:07:49 > 0:07:50And they're wearing ties!
0:07:50 > 0:07:54The celebrations in Leicester were widely reported.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Steve Hurst went out to soak up the atmosphere with his
0:07:57 > 0:08:00cocker spaniel Daisy wearing a miniature Leicester kit.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01He said...
0:08:08 > 0:08:10And this story has allowed journalists to bring
0:08:10 > 0:08:15all their skills to bear by googling famous people from Leicester.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Whose name do you think appeared most often in the press reports?
0:08:18 > 0:08:21- Apart from Gary Lineker. - I saw a reference to Showaddywaddy.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25- Exactly, yes.- A fine, popular... band...
0:08:27 > 0:08:29..of the...'30s?
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- Who else? Gok Wan. - Is he from Leicester?
0:08:35 > 0:08:39- Yes, he is. His dad owned a Chinese restaurant.- There you go.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42His real name is Wang, like mine, but he found it too embarrassing
0:08:42 > 0:08:43and took the G off.
0:08:43 > 0:08:48- Really?- Yeah, apparently. But more fool him. More for me.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50I'm getting a Wang dollar now!
0:08:51 > 0:08:54I think Gary Lineker said he's going to present
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Match Of The Day in his underwear.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Ugh! Isn't he available now he's just got divorced?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Janet!
0:09:02 > 0:09:06This is not Loose Women, you know!
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- I think David Cameron encouraged him to do it, didn't he?- Has he?- Yeah.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Another question was asked in Parliament
0:09:12 > 0:09:14- and he said that he thought he should.- Right,
0:09:14 > 0:09:18- I'm glad they're tackling the important issues.- Yeah!
0:09:18 > 0:09:19Exactly!
0:09:19 > 0:09:23What has top Leicester butcher Keith Ashmore done as a tribute
0:09:23 > 0:09:24to his football team?
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Spelt the names out in mince?
0:09:26 > 0:09:30- It's bound to be a sausage, isn't it?- Made from fox.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Oh, Ian! I wish you hadn't said that.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35- It would be delicious, wouldn't it? - It would be lovely!
0:09:35 > 0:09:38He's actually introduced a range of blue sausages.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42- Blue sausages?- Yeah. - Oh, that is gross!
0:09:44 > 0:09:46He should save his money and buy a better wig.
0:09:49 > 0:09:54That's not actually Keith, that's a Telegraph journalist.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57He's going to give you a really good review after you said that.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00He still ought to get a better wig.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04Who has also got into trouble over his coloured sausage?
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Oh, is it a tartan sausage?
0:10:08 > 0:10:10No. Top Devon butcher Paul...
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Why are they all top butchers?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Why aren't some of them struggling to make a living?
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Middling Devon butcher Paul Kenyon,
0:10:19 > 0:10:21who produced his own purple sausage
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- as a tribute to Prince, who died recently.- Oh, no!
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- JANET:- Oh, God! - Here you go.- Ohh.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29The animal rights group Peta have asked him
0:10:29 > 0:10:32to withdraw his sausage.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37They said...
0:10:41 > 0:10:45I think we'd all aspire to having a novelty sausage, wouldn't we?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47I've seen a few in my time.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52By the way, I've met Prince and that sausage is about ten times
0:10:52 > 0:10:55the size of what he had in his pants.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02Do I have to remind you again this is not Loose Women?
0:11:04 > 0:11:06The body's not even cold, Janet.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11- JANET:- He's cremated.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13IAN GULPS
0:11:13 > 0:11:17I think it's how he would have liked to have been remembered.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Yes, this is the shock result that has turned
0:11:20 > 0:11:23even non-football fans like myself into experts.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27Leicester Rovers have won the Premier division cup.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29It's a wonderfully romantic story.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32And to think, none of it would have happened if the previous manager
0:11:32 > 0:11:35hadn't left the club after his son was sacked for filming his mates
0:11:35 > 0:11:38having an orgy with local women in a Bangkok hotel room.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41APPLAUSE
0:11:44 > 0:11:46One female hospital worker in Leicester
0:11:46 > 0:11:48is £50,000 better off
0:11:48 > 0:11:51after a bet was put on for her
0:11:51 > 0:11:54as a joke by her boss, a consultant plastic surgeon.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57And now, like so many of his patients,
0:11:57 > 0:11:59she can't wipe the smile off her face.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Jamie Vardy once played for a local steelworkers' team...
0:12:07 > 0:12:10..before he quit to pursue his ambition
0:12:10 > 0:12:12of becoming a Premiership footballer.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14"It's an impossible dream! How will you feed your family?
0:12:14 > 0:12:16"What about job security?"
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Vardy warned the steelworkers as he left.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Ian and Phil, take a look at this.
0:12:26 > 0:12:27That's a degree.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Swinging quite a long way to the right.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34That's how big his head is, in psychological terms.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35He's won in Indiana.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38- All his competitors have dropped out.- Yep.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Cruz crashed and burned.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43The last time a CRUZ sunk this badly,
0:12:43 > 0:12:45James Cameron made a film about it.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Thank you.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50You're very kind.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52APPLAUSE
0:12:52 > 0:12:54That is the official Republican candidate.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56So it's possible
0:12:56 > 0:12:58he'll be the next President of the United States.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01- It felt like that was quite hard to get out.- I couldn't.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05I was about to say, "And he's going to meet Prime Minister Johnson...
0:13:09 > 0:13:11"..to discuss being mad."
0:13:13 > 0:13:17What happened to the online petition to ban him from Britain?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20I think the argument was that we should let him come over,
0:13:20 > 0:13:22listen to what he had to say and then laugh.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25It's the more traditional British response.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27No, we need some freedom of speech.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29We've got to hear Trump's views,
0:13:29 > 0:13:31because they change minute to minute.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34You've no idea what he's going to say next. He doesn't, either.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36"I'm going to build a wall.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38"Maybe I'm not."
0:13:38 > 0:13:40He actually ended one rally
0:13:40 > 0:13:43thanking the poorly educated for voting for him.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Yes, this is the news of another rank outsider,
0:13:47 > 0:13:49as Trump triumphs in Indiana.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52After rivals Ted Cruz and John Kasich pulled out of the race,
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Trump made a victory speech.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03..he said, dangerous lunatic-ly.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06What record has Donald Trump now achieved?
0:14:06 > 0:14:11- Has he got the most delegates at this stage of the game?- No.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Most ex-wives?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Least credible hair ever?
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Well, according to veteran Democratic pollster Peter Hart...
0:14:28 > 0:14:32What did Trump's rival Ted Cruz do immediately after conceding defeat?
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Open up a delicatessen.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41He punched his wife in the face, didn't he?
0:14:41 > 0:14:44- Did he?- Not once but twice. Let's have a look.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54I think we should see that again in slow motion.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Wallop!
0:14:56 > 0:14:57Bang!
0:14:57 > 0:15:01What is being sold at Donald Trump rallies
0:15:01 > 0:15:03that's causing particular offence?
0:15:03 > 0:15:04Souls.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Anti-Hillary Clinton messages.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Yes. Do you know what they are?
0:15:16 > 0:15:18I don't know. "Kill the bitch" sort of thing?
0:15:22 > 0:15:23I'm quoting what he's doing.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Haven't been making them at home myself.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27That's pretty much it.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32SHOCKED GASPS
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- Classy(!)- And that is half the voters.- Yes.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39I mean, he's got no women voting for him, no ethnic vote.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41But he keeps winning.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Who's not remotely bothered about what's happening
0:15:43 > 0:15:45in the US election build-up?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48- It's Barack Obama. Let's have a look.- Yes!
0:15:48 > 0:15:52MUSIC: Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars
0:16:02 > 0:16:06"Not my problem any more!"
0:16:06 > 0:16:09- Anyway, who says elections aren't fun?- Yeah.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Meanwhile, back home, the election results are in.
0:16:12 > 0:16:17Unfortunately, we happened yesterday so we have no idea what they are.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20So let's talk about Labour's anti-Semitism problem
0:16:20 > 0:16:22and how is that going for Jeremy Corbyn?
0:16:22 > 0:16:25It's working a treat, he got a landslide.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27If you're watching the repeat and he didn't...
0:16:27 > 0:16:28He didn't.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Alan Johnson was very funny.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37He said, "There's no Labour problem that cannot be made worse
0:16:37 > 0:16:38"by Ken Livingstone."
0:16:38 > 0:16:40LAUGHTER
0:16:44 > 0:16:46The number of Labour members suspended
0:16:46 > 0:16:50for anti-Semitism and racism since Corbyn took over as leader is now 18.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52- It's not good, is it? - It's not great.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56Doesn't that make him the best ever anti-Semite hunter?
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Every other Labour... Like, Miliband couldn't find them.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Does Jeremy Corbyn know the keypad code to the door
0:17:06 > 0:17:08to his constituency office?
0:17:08 > 0:17:10- No.- No, there's footage of him, isn't there?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Yes, because him going in would not be news.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15- Yes, quite.- Getting it wrong. - Well deduced. Let's have a look.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Mr Corbyn, what are you going to do
0:17:17 > 0:17:20about the perceived anti-Semitism in your party?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Mr Corbyn, have you got any comment?
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Mr Corbyn, what are you going to do about the perception
0:17:28 > 0:17:31that your party is anti-Semitic and the criticisms from Andy Burnham?
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Hi, good morning, very nice to see you.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Did someone change the code?
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Has there been a coup and no-one told him?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47John McDonnell's in there.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Throwing his clothes out the top floor window.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Yeah. "Get out! There's your cycling helmet."
0:17:55 > 0:17:57And here's London mayoral candidate Zac Goldsmith
0:17:57 > 0:18:00demonstrating how you should handle tough questions from the media.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03I'm a Bollywood fan, so anything with a Bollywood theme,
0:18:03 > 0:18:06- I will lap it up. - You say you are a Bollywood fan,
0:18:06 > 0:18:09do you have a favourite actor, a favourite Bollywood film?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Er, no, you're going to... I wouldn't be able to...
0:18:11 > 0:18:13LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:18:13 > 0:18:17No, I'm not going to give you one. I can't think of a favourite.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19You can't think of a single Bollywood film or actor?
0:18:19 > 0:18:20I-I-I can think of...
0:18:20 > 0:18:23I can't think of a favourite, I love the whole...
0:18:23 > 0:18:25I love almost everything about Bollywood.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27I love the atmosphere, I love the colour, I love the excitement.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31I want as much Bollywood as possible here in London.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33I love him trying to coast it. It's that Boris thing.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35HE MUMBLES CONFIDENTLY
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Nothing.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Back to Jeremy Corbyn,
0:18:40 > 0:18:43who has finally managed to get to grips with some modern technology.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Here's his latest post on Snapchat.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51The EYES have it!
0:18:52 > 0:18:56I think that's the pin-code cam. That's the shot from...
0:18:57 > 0:18:59It looks like he's canvassing his own headquarters
0:18:59 > 0:19:02and they don't want him.
0:19:02 > 0:19:03"No, thank you. We're voting Tory."
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Labour launched an election poster on Tuesday.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08Do you know what the slogan was?
0:19:08 > 0:19:09"Please!"
0:19:13 > 0:19:15"We're all a little bit racist."
0:19:18 > 0:19:20APPLAUSE
0:19:25 > 0:19:26The slogan on the poster was...
0:19:29 > 0:19:33So no matter who you are or what you want, Labour agrees with you.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Which is reassuring but also, unfortunately,
0:19:37 > 0:19:39totally meaningless.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull was recently ridiculed
0:19:42 > 0:19:44for going with the slogan...
0:19:46 > 0:19:48LAUGHTER
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Bonus point for anyone who can come up
0:19:53 > 0:19:56with a more meaningless slogan than that.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58"Together, we're apart."
0:20:00 > 0:20:02"Vote with your heart, not with your head,
0:20:02 > 0:20:05"but most importantly, with your hand."
0:20:05 > 0:20:06LAUGHTER
0:20:07 > 0:20:08LAUGHTER
0:20:10 > 0:20:12What have the Conservatives been accused of spending money on
0:20:12 > 0:20:14that they shouldn't have?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Blue sausages.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17LAUGHTER
0:20:19 > 0:20:21They've been accused of bussing campaigners into marginal
0:20:21 > 0:20:24constituencies and putting them up in hotels during the 2015
0:20:24 > 0:20:28- general election, and not declaring the expenses.- Ah!
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Which could've been bad news for the career of former
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Conservative Party chairman Grant Shapps.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36But luckily, he already had to resign over a completely different scandal.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37LAUGHTER
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Boris Johnson's term as Mayor of our capital city has come
0:20:40 > 0:20:42to an end after eight years.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46So let's take the opportunity to look back at his time in office
0:20:46 > 0:20:49with a Goodbye Boris Buzzer Round.
0:20:49 > 0:20:50GUESTS AND AUDIENCE GIVE A CHEER
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Is there any special music? No?
0:20:52 > 0:20:54- We'll put something on after. - OK, fine.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56- Eh...- I'll pretend I'm dancing to it.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58LAUGHTER
0:21:01 > 0:21:03- That will cut in seamlessly. - Beautiful(!)
0:21:03 > 0:21:05What is going on here?
0:21:06 > 0:21:08LAUGHTER
0:21:08 > 0:21:10BUZZER Yes, Ian?
0:21:10 > 0:21:11"I am thick as..."
0:21:11 > 0:21:12LAUGHTER
0:21:14 > 0:21:16"These contraceptive devices don't work."
0:21:16 > 0:21:17LAUGHTER
0:21:19 > 0:21:20JANET CACKLES
0:21:20 > 0:21:22What about this one?
0:21:22 > 0:21:24- IMITATING ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: - Who's the jerk?
0:21:24 > 0:21:26LAUGHTER
0:21:26 > 0:21:29I made a documentary with Arnie when he was still a bodybuilder,
0:21:29 > 0:21:33and he did a film called Stay Hungry, and he came over to Britain.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36I took him to Gordon's Gym in Plumstead...
0:21:36 > 0:21:39and somewhere, there's a picture of me sitting on Arnie's arm.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45We've actually got that photo of you with Arnie, Janet. Let's have a look.
0:21:45 > 0:21:46RAUCOUS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:54 > 0:21:56- Very embarrassing.- Was he charming?
0:21:56 > 0:21:59He was great. On the way to the gym, we had to stop at a Greggs
0:21:59 > 0:22:01and he ate 24 doughnuts.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02LAUGHTER
0:22:04 > 0:22:08- IMITATING ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: - I love Greggs doughnuts. I must eat them.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- CONTINUING:- You have Jammie Dodgers? I have world championship coming up.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14LAUGHTER What about this next one?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16BUZZER
0:22:16 > 0:22:18- Yes, Ian?- That's Boris Johnson having trouble with his zip.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20LAUGHTER
0:22:20 > 0:22:21Thank you(!)
0:22:21 > 0:22:22LAUGHTER
0:22:23 > 0:22:27- He got trapped on a zip wire.- Yes. - And anybody else,
0:22:27 > 0:22:29it would've been the end of his career, but with Boris,
0:22:29 > 0:22:31everyone went, "Look! He's got stuck on a zip!"
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- LAUGHTER - "Isn't he brilliant?".
0:22:34 > 0:22:36The time he was up there coincided with London running very smoothly.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39LAUGHTER
0:22:39 > 0:22:42He looks like a Ukip supporter bauble.
0:22:42 > 0:22:43LAUGHTER
0:22:46 > 0:22:47APPLAUSE
0:22:49 > 0:22:51And finally....
0:22:51 > 0:22:52CHORTLES AND LAUGHTER
0:22:55 > 0:22:56LAUGHTER
0:22:56 > 0:23:00Sorry. Sorry. No, that's... That's not Boris at all. Erm...
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Although, a lot of people did notice the similarity when the picture
0:23:03 > 0:23:05was posted on Twitter by an account called...
0:23:07 > 0:23:09LAUGHTER
0:23:10 > 0:23:14I think that's a man in drag, actually, the more I look at it.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Well, that was sort of the gag.
0:23:16 > 0:23:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Yes, this is Donald Trump's triumph in Indiana.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27This week, Donald Trump made the bizarre claim that
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Ted Cruz's father was linked to the assassination of JFK.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34A foolish move, even by Trump's standards, as it reminded people
0:23:34 > 0:23:37that if all else fails, presidents CAN be assassinated.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39LAUGHTER
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Donald Trump has demanded an apology from David Cameron
0:23:43 > 0:23:44for describing Trump as...
0:23:46 > 0:23:49..failing to realise, those are the very qualities David Cameron
0:23:49 > 0:23:51values most in a Cabinet Minister.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53CHUCKLING
0:23:54 > 0:23:55APPLAUSE
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Meanwhile, Britain has been in the grip of local election fever.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04IAN LAUGHS This recording is...
0:24:04 > 0:24:05LAUGHTER
0:24:05 > 0:24:07No, it hasn't!
0:24:07 > 0:24:09LAUGHTER
0:24:09 > 0:24:11- At a mild temperature, perhaps. - Yeah.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14As the polls opened, Labour mobilised thousands
0:24:14 > 0:24:18of volunteers who were soon pounding the streets, knocking on doors,
0:24:18 > 0:24:20desperately trying to find Ken Livingstone, sedate him
0:24:20 > 0:24:22and lock him in a cupboard.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24LAUGHTER
0:24:24 > 0:24:26So at the end of that round...
0:24:26 > 0:24:28- two points each!- Hooray! - That's very good.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30APPLAUSE
0:24:32 > 0:24:34HE MOUTHS WORDS
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Now, on to Round 2.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42This week, we are delving into some of the latest breakthroughs
0:24:42 > 0:24:45- from the cutting edge of science and technology.- Oh, yes?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48So, let's fire up...
0:24:48 > 0:24:49the Newsatron!
0:24:49 > 0:24:51CHEERING
0:24:53 > 0:24:54LAUGHTER
0:24:54 > 0:24:57That looks like the cheapest prop from Doctor Who.
0:24:57 > 0:24:58LAUGHTER
0:24:58 > 0:24:59Oh, we had cheaper ones than this!
0:24:59 > 0:25:01LAUGHTER
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here we go.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06WHIRRING BUZZ
0:25:07 > 0:25:09GAME SHOW THEME STYLE JINGLE
0:25:09 > 0:25:11LAUGHTER
0:25:12 > 0:25:13BUZZER
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Yeees! Paul.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Eric Pickles has been reincarnated.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18LAUGHTER
0:25:19 > 0:25:21APPLAUSE
0:25:21 > 0:25:24It's 'Labradors are 'flabaradors'.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26They're the fattest pets.
0:25:26 > 0:25:31Boffins say that poor old Labradors have got a genetic predisposition.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Every time they see a plate of food, they have to eat it and they have
0:25:34 > 0:25:35to beg for food the entire time.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39So that makes them exactly like 75% of the British population!
0:25:39 > 0:25:40LAUGHTER
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Is absolutely the correct answer.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45After testing their drool... Nice(!)
0:25:45 > 0:25:49..scientists at Cambridge University found that 25% of Labradors
0:25:49 > 0:25:52carried a faulty gene that means they're programmed to overeat.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55And what's the upside of this gene?
0:25:55 > 0:25:57How can you exploit it?
0:25:57 > 0:26:00How can you exploit fat Labradors, essentially?
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Erm... Make young offenders carry them.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05LAUGHTER
0:26:05 > 0:26:06PAUL IS MUTED BY LAUGHTER
0:26:07 > 0:26:10"It's a Labrador for you, me old son."
0:26:10 > 0:26:11I can't think.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14- Well, it makes them easier to train. - Does it?!- Yes!
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Because they're more motivated to work for a titbit.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Shall we have a look at a Labrador recovering
0:26:19 > 0:26:21- after a gruelling training session? - I think we should.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23ODD SNORING
0:26:23 > 0:26:25LAUGHTER
0:26:25 > 0:26:26SNORING CONTINUES
0:26:29 > 0:26:31SNORING CONTINUES
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Sounds like Boris Johnson's telling his wife that he can't
0:26:34 > 0:26:35remember where he stayed last night.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37LAUGHTER
0:26:38 > 0:26:41APPLAUSE
0:26:41 > 0:26:43IAN CHUCKLES
0:26:43 > 0:26:47That's not somebody round the corner with a vacuum cleaner, is it?
0:26:47 > 0:26:48- Labra-snore.- 'Labra-snore'.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51- There we are, that's why he's the editor of Private Eye.- Yeah.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53- LAUGHTER - Hoping for The Sun job!
0:26:54 > 0:26:58Experts studied drool from 310 fat dogs.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01If you want to collect drool from a fat cat,
0:27:01 > 0:27:04that's normally on Kate Moss's neck after a Philip Green party.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:27:05 > 0:27:07GLASSES MAKE MUSICAL 'DING' SOUND
0:27:07 > 0:27:09LAUGHTER
0:27:09 > 0:27:11According to the research, Labradors are...
0:27:14 > 0:27:17As opposed to other dogs, who will only eat high-protein food,
0:27:17 > 0:27:20all other food and sick off the pavement.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the next one!
0:27:25 > 0:27:28WHIRRING BUZZ
0:27:31 > 0:27:33BUZZER Ian.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35- Erm, so...- Oh, no, sorry. - It was Phil!
0:27:35 > 0:27:37We get mixed up a lot.
0:27:37 > 0:27:38LAUGHTER
0:27:39 > 0:27:44Top boffins have said that The Borrowers could never happen.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Because of scaling, it would happen with shrinking a human down.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50The surface area wouldn't be right, and they'd lose too much heat
0:27:50 > 0:27:52and they wouldn't be able to maintain their heat,
0:27:52 > 0:27:55and they'd just freeze to death and they'd all be blind and deaf.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57- I find that really funny. - That's exactly right!
0:27:57 > 0:28:01This is news that scientists have proved that, if a human was the size
0:28:01 > 0:28:03of one of the characters in The Borrowers,
0:28:03 > 0:28:04they wouldn't be very well.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Phil, you did computer engineering.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10Mechanical engineering. Did some computer stuff, yeah.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13OK. Does 'interaural time difference' mean anything to you?
0:28:13 > 0:28:15That's what we got up to on the weekend!
0:28:18 > 0:28:19APPLAUSE
0:28:19 > 0:28:22It is the adjustment your brain makes for sound to reach
0:28:22 > 0:28:24the left and right ears, and if you were that tiny,
0:28:24 > 0:28:26it'd be totally out of whack.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29- Would anybody like to be a Borrower for a day?- No, no.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Does it appeal? Er, no.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34- Not that you've heard of the interaural time difference!- Exactly.
0:28:34 > 0:28:35I won't be able to hear what people are saying,
0:28:35 > 0:28:38your heart won't work properly... It's no good.
0:28:38 > 0:28:39With current interest rates, no, thank you.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41- CHUCKLING - No.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47- APPLAUSE - Sorry.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51- They're very low, actually. - I should research
0:28:51 > 0:28:53before I come on the programme.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56Finally, despite what these scientists might be claiming,
0:28:56 > 0:28:59how did a real-life Borrower nearly miss out on a job this week?
0:28:59 > 0:29:02There aren't any real-life Borrowers!
0:29:02 > 0:29:06After a typo in his job application, a Mr O'Neill had to get a doctor's
0:29:06 > 0:29:08certificate to prove that he...
0:29:12 > 0:29:14..which worried his new employer,
0:29:14 > 0:29:17as this meant his body mass index was...
0:29:18 > 0:29:20LAUGHTER
0:29:20 > 0:29:22Fingers on buzzers, teams, here we go.
0:29:22 > 0:29:24BUZZING WHIR
0:29:29 > 0:29:31- BUZZER - Snoring.
0:29:31 > 0:29:33- Yes!- They found a cure.
0:29:33 > 0:29:35I thought it was euthanasia.
0:29:37 > 0:29:39It is indeed the news scientists have discovered
0:29:39 > 0:29:42a revolutionary new cure if your partner snores, which involves...
0:29:44 > 0:29:47Also a handy solution if you're just tired of them being alive.
0:29:49 > 0:29:50According to the Daily Mail,
0:29:50 > 0:29:54scientists have developed a new anti-snoring device, which is...
0:29:55 > 0:29:59Surely the last thing you want in bed is a sticky patch.
0:29:59 > 0:30:02HESITANT LAUGHTER
0:30:02 > 0:30:04I can wait.
0:30:04 > 0:30:07- LAUGHTER - Loose Women's on soon.
0:30:07 > 0:30:10- Fingers on buzzers, teams. - We must get this.
0:30:13 > 0:30:14BUZZER
0:30:14 > 0:30:16There's no bicycles in heaven.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19- LAUGHTER - There are bicycles in heaven.
0:30:19 > 0:30:22A guy designed the world's first hover-bike.
0:30:22 > 0:30:24There you go. That's right. Yes.
0:30:24 > 0:30:26An amateur inventor called Colin Furze
0:30:26 > 0:30:29has built a working hover-bike in his garden shed.
0:30:34 > 0:30:36Essentially, it's a couple of drones, isn't it, he's got?
0:30:36 > 0:30:39- Yeah.- Is it a bike, though?
0:30:42 > 0:30:44He's so pleased to be alive.
0:30:45 > 0:30:48- Do you think that's a glimpse of the future?- No.
0:30:48 > 0:30:50Essentially, this won't catch on
0:30:50 > 0:30:51because it's a stupid thing.
0:30:51 > 0:30:53LAUGHTER
0:30:53 > 0:30:56Yes, this is the news that an amateur inventor called Colin Furze
0:30:56 > 0:30:59has built a working hover-bike in his garden shed.
0:30:59 > 0:31:01Furze told Sky News...
0:31:07 > 0:31:09And he was instantly offered a job by Uber.
0:31:11 > 0:31:13Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20BUZZER
0:31:20 > 0:31:22- Is it something to do with his phone?- It is, yes.
0:31:22 > 0:31:24He's holding his phone. Is it an app?
0:31:24 > 0:31:26No, it's not an app.
0:31:26 > 0:31:28Is it people are crossing the road without looking,
0:31:28 > 0:31:30so they're going to put traffic lights on the floor.
0:31:30 > 0:31:32You've worked it out, yes, very good.
0:31:32 > 0:31:34- APPLAUSE - Is that what it is?
0:31:34 > 0:31:37- Ah.- Brilliant.- There we are.
0:31:37 > 0:31:39This is the news that a town in Germany
0:31:39 > 0:31:41is putting traffic lights in the pavement,
0:31:41 > 0:31:44so people busy texting won't get run over.
0:31:44 > 0:31:47Yes, this is the German town of Augsburg,
0:31:47 > 0:31:50which has installed traffic lights on the ground
0:31:50 > 0:31:53to stop texters wandering onto the tram tracks.
0:31:53 > 0:31:54To warn pedestrians,
0:31:54 > 0:31:57there are 16 red LED lights embedded in the pavement,
0:31:57 > 0:31:59and to make sure Germans spot them...
0:32:02 > 0:32:03..and the shape of a sausage.
0:32:05 > 0:32:08Which means, at the end of this round...
0:32:08 > 0:32:11- Paul and Janet have four. Ian and Phil have five.- Yes!
0:32:11 > 0:32:14APPLAUSE
0:32:18 > 0:32:20Time now for the Odd One Out round,
0:32:20 > 0:32:21it's just one between you this week.
0:32:21 > 0:32:23Your four are...
0:32:23 > 0:32:24Sir Philip Green,
0:32:24 > 0:32:25John Virgo and Jim Davidson,
0:32:25 > 0:32:27Sir Winston Churchill
0:32:27 > 0:32:28and Cavity Sam.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31Is it yachts?
0:32:31 > 0:32:32No.
0:32:32 > 0:32:34They all have a heart...
0:32:34 > 0:32:36except Sir Philip.
0:32:36 > 0:32:38LAUGHTER
0:32:38 > 0:32:40John Virgo was told off
0:32:40 > 0:32:43for swearing live during snooker.
0:32:43 > 0:32:48You're right, John Virgo was caught out during the snooker championships.
0:32:48 > 0:32:49It wasn't John's fault.
0:32:49 > 0:32:52The microphones were left up and, crucially, someone was still awake,
0:32:52 > 0:32:54so... LAUGHTER
0:32:54 > 0:32:56..he can't be blamed.
0:32:56 > 0:32:58But that's not the right answer. I'm swinging it back across.
0:32:58 > 0:33:00- Can we have a clue?- Mousetrap.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02Mousetrap?
0:33:02 > 0:33:05They've all had board games made of themselves.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08Is nudging very close to the correct answer.
0:33:08 > 0:33:10They have all had a board game, apart from...
0:33:10 > 0:33:11Sir Philip Green.
0:33:11 > 0:33:12Is the correct answer.
0:33:12 > 0:33:14They've all featured in a board game,
0:33:14 > 0:33:16apart from Sir Phillip Green,
0:33:16 > 0:33:18whose businesses appeared on a specially-made Monopoly set
0:33:18 > 0:33:21given to him by his wife Tina on his 50th birthday.
0:33:21 > 0:33:23That's brilliant.
0:33:23 > 0:33:25According to the Sunday Times, in 2003...
0:33:34 > 0:33:36Is that corner square still there?
0:33:36 > 0:33:38Where it says, "Go to jail?"
0:33:38 > 0:33:42"Go directly to jail, do not take a knighthood."
0:33:42 > 0:33:45The Parliamentary committee on pensions
0:33:45 > 0:33:47has insisted that Sir Phillip Green must meet
0:33:47 > 0:33:49them to face questions.
0:33:49 > 0:33:51How has he reacted to that? What has he done?
0:33:51 > 0:33:54He has agreed. He has a terrible greed!
0:33:57 > 0:33:59- APPLAUSE - Oh, sorry.
0:33:59 > 0:34:01Jim Davidson and John Virgo
0:34:01 > 0:34:02featured in the board game spin-off
0:34:02 > 0:34:04from the TV show Big Break.
0:34:04 > 0:34:06A point if you can sing the theme.
0:34:06 > 0:34:09For two points, I won't sing it.
0:34:09 > 0:34:11I can't even remember how it went, I'm afraid.
0:34:11 > 0:34:13My knowledge of trivia doesn't always extend that far.
0:34:13 > 0:34:15- What was it called? - # It's only a game so
0:34:15 > 0:34:17# Put up a real good fight
0:34:17 > 0:34:19- Is it Captain Sensible? - # I'm going to be snookering you
0:34:19 > 0:34:21# Snookering you tonight Big Break! #
0:34:21 > 0:34:22Thank you.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24APPLAUSE
0:34:27 > 0:34:30You're seriously giving him a round of applause?
0:34:30 > 0:34:32He begged for it, didn't he?
0:34:32 > 0:34:34Yeah. Cravenly.
0:34:34 > 0:34:36According to Wikipedia...
0:34:43 > 0:34:48And that's it. The other six... remain a mystery.
0:34:48 > 0:34:52- The Winston Churchill board game, I played that as a boy.- Oh, yeah?
0:34:52 > 0:34:55Took five years, but we got there in the end.
0:34:56 > 0:35:00- You played it on the beaches, didn't you?- We did!
0:35:00 > 0:35:02APPLAUSE
0:35:04 > 0:35:05Anyone have an idea of the rules?
0:35:05 > 0:35:09Are you leader of Britain during World War II? Kinda.
0:35:09 > 0:35:11Do you just make mean quips to fat women?
0:35:15 > 0:35:18It recreates the tension and drama of the conferences between
0:35:18 > 0:35:22Churchill, Roosevelt and Stalin towards the end of World War II.
0:35:22 > 0:35:24One review states...
0:35:31 > 0:35:35So you go through the lot? Yalta, Potsdam, all the way through?
0:35:35 > 0:35:37Oh, this is fantastic!
0:35:40 > 0:35:42I just can't wait. Come on, get on with it.
0:35:43 > 0:35:47How have gamemakers added extra jeopardy to
0:35:47 > 0:35:49Churchill, The Board Game?
0:35:49 > 0:35:50Do you drink at the same time?
0:35:52 > 0:35:56They have a card that means Churchill has a heart attack.
0:35:58 > 0:36:02Stalin's staff members are liquidated
0:36:02 > 0:36:04and FDR might simply...die.
0:36:06 > 0:36:10There's also a new app being launched of Churchill Solitaire.
0:36:10 > 0:36:13Interestingly, the app was devised
0:36:13 > 0:36:16by 84-year-old Donald Rumsfeld. Yes, that one.
0:36:16 > 0:36:20Although, what he'd actually said to staff was, "I want a nap".
0:36:23 > 0:36:27Cavity Sam was the name given to the character on the table
0:36:27 > 0:36:30in the game Operation. What are the rules in Operation?
0:36:30 > 0:36:33You have to remove important parts until the NHS is dead.
0:36:36 > 0:36:39The BBC also released a Doctor Who version of Operation,
0:36:39 > 0:36:42where you operate on a Dalek. Wish I'd had a cut of that,
0:36:42 > 0:36:45I could be doing Shakespeare tonight, instead of this shit!
0:36:49 > 0:36:51It wasn't shit before you got here!
0:36:55 > 0:36:57Time now for the missing words round,
0:36:57 > 0:37:00which this week features as its guest publication
0:37:00 > 0:37:01Bottleship Magazine,
0:37:01 > 0:37:06The magazine of the European Association Of Ships In Bottles.
0:37:06 > 0:37:08You'll get into it, but you won't know how.
0:37:10 > 0:37:12And we start with...
0:37:12 > 0:37:15Zoo will let you - what? - for 10.
0:37:15 > 0:37:17Tickle a tortoise.
0:37:17 > 0:37:19Kiss a panda, or something like that.
0:37:19 > 0:37:22- Shoot the animals. - Shoot the animals for 10?!
0:37:22 > 0:37:25What sort of business plan would that be?
0:37:25 > 0:37:28"We ain't got any animals, but we got 40 here!"
0:37:31 > 0:37:34Zoo will let you name a cockroach after your ex!
0:37:46 > 0:37:48Why can't I see my family?
0:37:52 > 0:37:54"How on earth are they doing it?" and "Why?"
0:37:54 > 0:37:58They either say "Wow, that's fantastic," or "What a tremendous waste of time."
0:37:58 > 0:38:02It's pretty much correct. They either say, "Gosh, that's amazing,"
0:38:02 > 0:38:05"Oh, it's easy, you just pull a string."
0:38:05 > 0:38:08This is from a report on the Annual Bottleship Convention.
0:38:08 > 0:38:11One delegate wrote of the convention...
0:38:14 > 0:38:17Really several ladies were there?
0:38:18 > 0:38:22Next. Outrage as - what? - replaced by piece of cardboard?
0:38:22 > 0:38:24Family planning advice!
0:38:26 > 0:38:28I'm sorry!
0:38:28 > 0:38:31You're sorry? How d'you think I feel?
0:38:36 > 0:38:39Russia's eternal flame. Yeah.
0:38:39 > 0:38:42One of Russia's commemorative eternal flames was replaced
0:38:42 > 0:38:45with a cardboard cut-out, hoping no-one would notice.
0:38:45 > 0:38:46Here it is.
0:38:48 > 0:38:53Next, Bottleship editor Alan Rogers just assumed everyone - what?
0:38:53 > 0:38:55Knew the secret.
0:38:55 > 0:38:57Everyone was gay.
0:38:58 > 0:39:00On television.
0:39:00 > 0:39:02Which is more or less the truth.
0:39:02 > 0:39:05He just assumed everyone was using Blu-Tack.
0:39:05 > 0:39:08That's a good birth control device.
0:39:08 > 0:39:10Blu-Tack?
0:39:10 > 0:39:13- Instead of cardboard.- Does it work?
0:39:13 > 0:39:15It's worked for me.
0:39:20 > 0:39:23Do you need a hand getting off that chair afterwards.
0:39:27 > 0:39:29Just being a gentleman.
0:39:29 > 0:39:33The BBC do not recommend Blu-Tack as a contraceptive.
0:39:33 > 0:39:37Other sticky contraceptives are available.
0:39:39 > 0:39:43Yes, Alan Rogers explains at great length how useful Blu-Tack
0:39:43 > 0:39:46is in constructing a ship in a bottle.
0:39:46 > 0:39:49Alan is well-known for his love of proverbs.
0:39:57 > 0:39:58AUDIENCE GROANS
0:39:58 > 0:40:00He said, to an empty room...
0:40:04 > 0:40:08And, finally, Thanks to - what? - milkman makes a comeback?
0:40:08 > 0:40:09Milk!
0:40:09 > 0:40:10In bottles!
0:40:10 > 0:40:12Milk in bottles!
0:40:12 > 0:40:17Yeah! In trendy parts of London, they want, erm, milk in bottles
0:40:17 > 0:40:19- because it's somehow "real".- Yes.
0:40:24 > 0:40:28Hipster milk comes in skimmed, semi-skimmed and full twat.
0:40:29 > 0:40:32APPLAUSE
0:40:32 > 0:40:34It is worth it just for that joke.
0:40:34 > 0:40:36Yeah, yeah. We got there.
0:40:36 > 0:40:41So, the final scores are - it's a draw, six points each!
0:40:41 > 0:40:43Hooray! Fantastic!
0:40:47 > 0:40:50On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:40:50 > 0:40:53Ian Hislop and Phil Wang, Paul Merton and Janet Street-Porter.
0:40:53 > 0:40:54I leave you with news
0:40:54 > 0:40:56that at a stand-up comedy festival in Gloucester,
0:40:56 > 0:40:59dozens walk out as Britain's edgiest comic
0:40:59 > 0:41:01crosses the line once too often.
0:41:05 > 0:41:08In Westminster, after another U-turn,
0:41:08 > 0:41:11David Cameron is spotted looking for new policy ideas.
0:41:14 > 0:41:17And as the British archery team unveil their squad for Rio,
0:41:17 > 0:41:20they begin to regret that Vivienne Westwood
0:41:20 > 0:41:22was asked to design the official Olympic kit.
0:41:27 > 0:41:29Goodnight!