0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:29 > 0:00:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41I'm Frankie Boyle.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43In the news this week -
0:00:43 > 0:00:45at an earth-shattering press conference,
0:00:45 > 0:00:48the Queen and Prince Philip reveal that David Icke was right all along.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56After Beyonce gets a flat tyre,
0:00:56 > 0:00:58the bloke at the garage tries a little too hard to impress her.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07And at the BBC, news reaches the dressing room
0:01:07 > 0:01:10that Piers Morgan has pulled out of Question Time.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23On Ian's team tonight is a trenchant journalist and author
0:01:23 > 0:01:25who's been compared to Katie Hopkins,
0:01:25 > 0:01:27although, unlike Katie Hopkins,
0:01:27 > 0:01:29she still has a reflection.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Please welcome talkRADIO's Julia Hartley-Brewer.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34APPLAUSE
0:01:39 > 0:01:44And with Paul tonight is the writer and star of BBC sitcom Citizen Khan.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48He's never a shared a stage with extremists - until tonight.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Please welcome Adil Ray.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52APPLAUSE
0:01:57 > 0:02:00And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Paul and Adil, take a look at this.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Ah, yes, this is the new Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan,
0:02:05 > 0:02:06and there's Jeremy Corbyn,
0:02:06 > 0:02:09probably on his way to vote and...do it again, would you?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Thank you.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13That's the...not going around in circles
0:02:13 > 0:02:16and that's the sort of thing you need to do
0:02:16 > 0:02:18when you want to get your picture in the paper.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22- So, yes, lots of people getting out and voting.- Yeah.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24This is the various elections we've had -
0:02:24 > 0:02:27this is the election of Sadiq Khan as London mayor
0:02:27 > 0:02:30and the massive resurgence of the Tories in Scotland
0:02:30 > 0:02:32that put them into quite a poor second.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33Uh...
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Did you follow the London mayor debate?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40I did, yes, followed it with great delight.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42But on behalf of all Muslims...
0:02:42 > 0:02:45That's what I do - as a Muslim, we talk on behalf of all of us.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49And there is 1.6 billion of us
0:02:49 > 0:02:52and I've spoken to them all before we came on tonight.
0:02:52 > 0:02:57We're not very happy because he's not a proper Muslim.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59No beard. In fact,
0:02:59 > 0:03:01you'd be a better Muslim than Sadiq Khan, I think.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04- I'm in.- If you're wondering where my beard is,
0:03:04 > 0:03:07they wouldn't let me through security with it.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10- JULIA:- The problem with Sadiq Khan is we don't know enough about him.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13We don't know about his background. I mean, what did his father do for a living?
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Nothing. Nothing.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19There was quite a sad moment where Paul Golding,
0:03:19 > 0:03:20who is the head of Britain First,
0:03:20 > 0:03:24he turned his back on Sadiq Khan during his acceptance speech.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28I thought it'd be good if he'd accidentally turned to face Mecca.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32That's quite possibly what's happening, yeah.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33But we wait now, as Muslims, to see
0:03:33 > 0:03:37what Sadiq Khan has got in store, you know, he's been in a week
0:03:37 > 0:03:40and we've not seen any evidence of King's Cross changing to
0:03:40 > 0:03:42King's Abdullah's Cross or, you know...
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Or Buckingham Palace losing the "ham" bit,
0:03:45 > 0:03:48I think was quite important. So it'd just be Bucking Palace,
0:03:48 > 0:03:50- I think, yeah. Bucking Palace I think would work.- Definitely work.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52He went, on the first day,
0:03:52 > 0:03:55straight to a Holocaust memorial service, didn't he?
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Yes, that was...
0:03:56 > 0:03:59- That was convenient, wasn't it? - Yeah. And good.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03He also spent the entire first day not meeting Jeremy Corbyn,
0:04:03 > 0:04:04and the second day, and the third day -
0:04:04 > 0:04:07there wasn't actually a meeting until Monday evening.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10He doesn't want to share a platform with extremists any more.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12I interviewed Sadiq Khan, actually,
0:04:12 > 0:04:14on my talkRADIO show - thought I'd get that in...
0:04:14 > 0:04:16- TalkRADIO show?- TalkRADIO show, yes.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18I interviewed all the candidates and I said to him,
0:04:18 > 0:04:21"Would a victory for Sadiq Khan for the London Mayor
0:04:21 > 0:04:24"be a victory for Jeremy Corbyn's leadership of the Labour Party?"
0:04:24 > 0:04:26and Sadiq Khan said, "Is that the time?"
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- ADIL:- What, was it prayer time, was it?
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Get used to that - get used to that.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Sadiq Khan can walk out of any interview, any time.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40"I've got to go. Sorry, prayer time." Good on you, Sadiq.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43It seemed to be the implication from Goldsmith's campaign
0:04:43 > 0:04:47was this guy sympathises with extremists so you might get a mayor
0:04:47 > 0:04:51who sympathises with terrorists and what, I couldn't understand it,
0:04:51 > 0:04:55use the machinery of local government to aid terrorism.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58- Yeah.- "You never guess what the mayor's gone and done?
0:04:58 > 0:05:00"Free Oyster cards for ISIS!"
0:05:03 > 0:05:05The Conservative candidate, Zac Goldsmith,
0:05:05 > 0:05:08was thought by many to have run a divisive campaign,
0:05:08 > 0:05:11but what happened to Lynton Crosby,
0:05:11 > 0:05:13the man who ran his campaign, this week?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- He got knighted. - He was knighted -
0:05:15 > 0:05:19perhaps to put his Islamophobic campaign
0:05:19 > 0:05:21into the context of the Crusades.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25I must say at this point
0:05:25 > 0:05:29that Sadiq did have to apologise during the campaign
0:05:29 > 0:05:34for calling moderate Muslims "Uncle Toms" a couple of years ago.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36I just...you know, this is balance,
0:05:36 > 0:05:39and I don't want Whippingdale - Whittingdale...
0:05:42 > 0:05:43..making a fuss about it.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47I just...I just throw that in. You know, there is...is...
0:05:47 > 0:05:50There are things to say on both sides.
0:05:50 > 0:05:55What camping metaphor did Sadiq Khan use to describe Labour's future?
0:05:55 > 0:05:59"We have to appeal to people outside of our own tents."
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Yeah, that's almost exactly it, he said...
0:06:04 > 0:06:07..to which Jeremy Corbyn quickly responded...
0:06:12 > 0:06:15It's just that everybody else is outside pissing into it.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21What are they saying? They want us all to go to go camping with them?
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Because I ain't sharing a tent with Diane Abbott.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25I don't know about you.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Hasn't bothered me in the past.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Can you tell what's going on here?
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Is it the man on the right,
0:06:35 > 0:06:36as we look, is incredibly strong,
0:06:36 > 0:06:38and he's lifting up all the others?
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Are these Scottish Tories? I can see some ginger hair.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44No offence.
0:06:44 > 0:06:49Is that the first time anyone's said "no offence" to Frankie Boyle?
0:06:50 > 0:06:51None taken.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57These are some new members of the Scottish Parliament.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01This is Edward Mountain, MSP for Highlands and Islands.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04What special skill does he have that involves a cow?
0:07:07 > 0:07:11I do actually know this one. He is...he is qualified
0:07:11 > 0:07:13to artificially inseminate cows.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15How do you know that?
0:07:17 > 0:07:21Correct answer. Next up, we've got Lib Dem MSP Willie Rennie.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24He's been a runner-up in the Scottish Championships
0:07:24 > 0:07:26for carrying what?
0:07:26 > 0:07:27A grudge.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31That's a hotly-contested field.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35He was runner-up in
0:07:35 > 0:07:38the 2006 Scottish Coal Carrying Championships.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Ah - one way of keeping warm without burning it.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43In Scotland, there was a strong SNP vote
0:07:43 > 0:07:46from the Scottish people who hate Britain,
0:07:46 > 0:07:50a big Tory vote from the Scottish people who hate Scottish people,
0:07:50 > 0:07:51and a small Labour vote
0:07:51 > 0:07:54from the Scottish people who hate themselves.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00No-one can call the BBC biased tonight(!)
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Jeremy Corbyn didn't do well in Scotland
0:08:02 > 0:08:05because people in Scotland don't trust anyone who looks old
0:08:05 > 0:08:07but still has teeth.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Ian and Julia, take a look at this.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Oh, free pasties for everyone.
0:08:15 > 0:08:16Sorry, missed that.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Cheers, yes - they don't like it up 'em.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23And we're all going to die in World War III.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26That's brilliant - nice, cheery news from the EU Referendum campaign(!)
0:08:26 > 0:08:28This stage in the campaign, you've got to up it,
0:08:28 > 0:08:30so you've basically got to tell people
0:08:30 > 0:08:33it's death and bubonic plague.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35And that's what'll happen if you leave.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Boris has invested himself heavily in this, hasn't he?
0:08:38 > 0:08:40I think if they lose this,
0:08:40 > 0:08:44Boris will be brought into Cameron's office on the next day and told...
0:08:44 > 0:08:46"Well, it's a bit unconventional, Boris,
0:08:46 > 0:08:49"but I'm making you Israel's ambassador to Syria."
0:08:54 > 0:08:57The thing I find strange is how much war has got involved with this,
0:08:57 > 0:08:59because we had Boris Johnson
0:08:59 > 0:09:02singing Ode To Joy in German this week.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05We've had Ken Livingstone, who's got, like, Hitler Tourette's,
0:09:05 > 0:09:07he keeps mentioning it,
0:09:07 > 0:09:09and we've got Cameron talking about World War III.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12I just don't know what's gone wrong in the last week.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14We haven't got the song, have we?
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Yes, we do. We can have a look at it.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40APPLAUSE
0:09:43 > 0:09:47You realise, of course, we still have six weeks to go.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50It's that thing, some politicians are a clever person pretending to
0:09:50 > 0:09:53be an idiot or an idiot pretending to be clever,
0:09:53 > 0:09:56he's an idiot pretending to be an idiot.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58This is day one, war and genocide,
0:09:58 > 0:10:01surely it's just going to end with Cameron screaming "Ebola"
0:10:01 > 0:10:03through a rolled-up newspaper.
0:10:05 > 0:10:06No, you would think that, you know,
0:10:06 > 0:10:09if he really believed that as soon as we leave the EU
0:10:09 > 0:10:10there'll be a world war...
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Just don't have the referendum, then.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15He did say just a few months ago that he was considering...
0:10:15 > 0:10:16He didn't know which way he was going to go,
0:10:16 > 0:10:18depending on the reforms he got.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Now he's saying "catastrophic", "death and destruction".
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Are you suggesting he's...exaggerating?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26I'm suggesting that he's a liar.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30I just can't work out if he's doing it now or he did it then.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- Or both.- Or both.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36You get every American general or spy chief, comes in and says,
0:10:36 > 0:10:37"You must remain."
0:10:37 > 0:10:39No, but it's bizarre,
0:10:39 > 0:10:41because they keep saying it's really important
0:10:41 > 0:10:43that we stay in this political union with the EU,
0:10:43 > 0:10:45and yet, bizarrely, are not in a political union
0:10:45 > 0:10:46with Mexico themselves.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49They're planning to build a wall, so what's that about?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51- It's just Trump who's planning to build a wall, isn't it?- Oh, OK.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55I don't think it's official US policy yet.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58The bricklayers' union have been really strong on it.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Well, a lot of them are Mexicans.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05What have ITV done to upset
0:11:05 > 0:11:08approximately half the Brexit people?
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Oh, ITV have decided to put Nigel Farage up
0:11:11 > 0:11:14for one of their big debates, so they've upset Vote Leave.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Vote Leave are now threatening to sue,
0:11:16 > 0:11:19because they say they're the official campaign
0:11:19 > 0:11:21and therefore it should be them and not Nigel Farage
0:11:21 > 0:11:23who gets to choose who goes up.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Vote Leave would rather have Boris?
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Anyone. Literally anyone.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Ken Livingstone shouting "Hitler" every three minutes
0:11:29 > 0:11:31they would prefer.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34And when we've veered off into the world of TV,
0:11:34 > 0:11:37what has John Whittingdale hit us up with this week?
0:11:37 > 0:11:38A damn-good thrashing?
0:11:40 > 0:11:45He's come up with the White Paper on broadcasting,
0:11:45 > 0:11:49which is not as extreme as was trailed.
0:11:49 > 0:11:50As so often with the Government,
0:11:50 > 0:11:53they've said they're going to do one thing and then people have said,
0:11:53 > 0:11:55"That's a terrible idea," and they've said,
0:11:55 > 0:11:57"Oh, really? Oh, right. We won't do it,"
0:11:57 > 0:11:59which is very good news.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02But isn't there something quite strange in a government
0:12:02 > 0:12:04that isn't talking to junior doctors
0:12:04 > 0:12:07getting wound up about what time Strictly comes on?
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Well, Whittingdale and Strictly are two words you should...
0:12:13 > 0:12:15I did notice there was something about...
0:12:15 > 0:12:18He did say, "We don't mind Strictly, but perhaps not Bargain Hunt."
0:12:18 > 0:12:20I think that was actually mentioned in the White Paper.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23It's just some old blokes just choosing what they like, isn't it?
0:12:23 > 0:12:25What about if the BBC's popular programmes
0:12:25 > 0:12:27had a kind of handicap system?
0:12:27 > 0:12:29So they could make a property programme,
0:12:29 > 0:12:32but it had to be set in the Gaza Strip.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Homes Under The Hamas.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41For reasons that will become clear,
0:12:41 > 0:12:44although they are admittedly extremely tenuous,
0:12:44 > 0:12:47let's have a look at a block of flats being demolished in Glasgow,
0:12:47 > 0:12:51as seen through the camera lens of one excited onlooker.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:12 > 0:13:16This week saw the official launch of the EU referendum campaigns.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18David Cameron has implied that leaving the EU
0:13:18 > 0:13:20could lead to World War III,
0:13:20 > 0:13:23whereas Nigel Farage is hoping for a rerun of World War II.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29This week, we saw the one sure sign a referendum is on its way,
0:13:29 > 0:13:31as Gordon Brown was brought out of retirement
0:13:31 > 0:13:34to dance on a ball like an old, abused circus bear.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44You just can't let it go, can you?
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Paul and Adil, here's another one for you.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Yes.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50It's the Queen with the Chinese President, Hu.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52The President.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55There's Prince Philip doing the barest minimum.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Yeah, so it's about leaks, essentially, isn't it?
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Well, not leaks, but sort of overheard conversations, isn't it?
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Cameron also talked about corrupt government leaders
0:14:03 > 0:14:05arriving for a conference and stuff.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Yes, this is the Prime Minister and the Queen have been caught on camera
0:14:08 > 0:14:11sticking it to the jolly old foreigners.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13I mean, it's an incredible story.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17The Prime Minister was caught on camera telling the truth.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19- JULIA:- He's apologised.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21- Shall we have a little look at what Cameron said?- Yeah, absolutely.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52But in fairness the Nigerian President has said, you know,
0:14:52 > 0:14:54he doesn't want an apology,
0:14:54 > 0:14:57just 4 billion and his credit card details, that's all he wants.
0:14:57 > 0:14:58I have to say,
0:14:58 > 0:15:00the Archbishop of Canterbury was trying to point out
0:15:00 > 0:15:03to the Prime Minister that this particular Nigerian Prime Minister
0:15:03 > 0:15:05was trying to stop corruption.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08I mean, the way Cameron was selling it was trying to tell the Queen,
0:15:08 > 0:15:09"This is going to be great,
0:15:09 > 0:15:12"we've got the top corrupt people in the world coming."
0:15:12 > 0:15:14To learn from us.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Yeah.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19But what he demanded, the Nigerian President, he said,
0:15:19 > 0:15:23"I don't want an apology, I'd like some of the money back."
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Most of the Nigerian money flows into Britain
0:15:26 > 0:15:29through the British colonies and ends up in houses in London,
0:15:29 > 0:15:31schools, cars, dealerships.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34He's saying, "If you could stop our kleptocrats
0:15:34 > 0:15:37"spending all the money in your tax havens,
0:15:37 > 0:15:39"then perhaps that would be a start."
0:15:39 > 0:15:43At that point, Cameron remembered Mum and Dad, and...
0:15:45 > 0:15:48..and probably went a bit quiet.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51And it was just massive humbug, followed up with Bercow saying,
0:15:51 > 0:15:53"Oh, I hope they're paying on their expenses."
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Who was involved in a bit of an expenses scam?
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Oh, it was the speaker, wasn't it?
0:15:59 > 0:16:00- What did he do?- What did he do?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03He double flipped his house, he had to pay some of the money back.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06I mean, these are all minor corruptions compared to
0:16:06 > 0:16:09eight billion-trillion from Nigeria
0:16:09 > 0:16:12- but they're in the same game, aren't they?- They are.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15What grounds did David Cameron have for calling Nigeria
0:16:15 > 0:16:17and Afghanistan "fantastically corrupt"?
0:16:17 > 0:16:18Facts.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25- You're actually quite close to the real answer.- Oh, really?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28There's a transparency index of corrupt countries.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30I think Afghanistan is third from the bottom,
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Nigeria is a good way up. We're number ten.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Very proud.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37Is that the ten most corrupt or...? What top ten are we in?
0:16:37 > 0:16:39You move up the league like Leicester
0:16:39 > 0:16:42and just suddenly come and surprise everyone.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Well, there's a great story where, apparently, the Pakistani delegation
0:16:45 > 0:16:47went to the anti-corruption conference at the time.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Back then, at the end of the conference,
0:16:49 > 0:16:53they would announce who are the most ranked anti-corrupt countries
0:16:53 > 0:16:55in the world. They came to announce it.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57The announcer goes, "Well, Pakistan started the conference
0:16:57 > 0:16:58"at number seven,
0:16:58 > 0:17:02"but having tried to bribe the anti-corruption committee..."
0:17:02 > 0:17:05"they find themselves now at number two."
0:17:05 > 0:17:08There's a theory that they maybe did it deliberately
0:17:08 > 0:17:12to create a big stink around the Euro referendum.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16I, sort of, think possibly Cameron is saving the Queen's death
0:17:16 > 0:17:18for when he needs a really big news story.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24I think he'll go for his weekly meeting one week,
0:17:24 > 0:17:27he'll take a pillow out of his briefcase and say,
0:17:27 > 0:17:30"I'm sorry, ma'am. ISIS have landed in Cornwall."
0:17:33 > 0:17:36How did the Queen add to things?
0:17:36 > 0:17:40The Queen was overheard saying the Chinese were a bit...tricky.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42- Rude.- Was that what she said? - Yes, rude.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45The royal family have got form when it comes to upsetting the Chinese.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Surprisingly, it's not Prince Philip. Can you remember who it was?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Prince Charles described the Chinese Communist leadership
0:17:50 > 0:17:53as a bunch of ghastly old waxworks.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Was this just before the Ambassador then left?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Just before he complimented him on his chocolates.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05We have a picture of Prince Charles making that remark.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09There has been some good news for the Queen this week,
0:18:09 > 0:18:11why is she looking so happy here?
0:18:11 > 0:18:14She's become a Muslim, she is wearing a hijab so...
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Horse racing, her horse won something.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20- Did indeed, she won the Royal Windsor Horse Show.- Ah.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- Well, not her, one of her horses. - Yes.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26That would be considered biased amongst the judges otherwise.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28- And here's what she won.- Mm.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32A Tesco gift card.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34This is the news that David Cameron and the Queen
0:18:34 > 0:18:38have been filmed making indiscreet comments about foreigners.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40This all came despite the fact that we're always told
0:18:40 > 0:18:43the royal family are great for tourism and business.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Perhaps if we had a country worth visiting,
0:18:45 > 0:18:48we wouldn't have to parade the products
0:18:48 > 0:18:51of centuries of incest around to try to sell fridge magnets.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Has this turned into a party political?
0:18:57 > 0:19:00On their last visit, the Chinese threatened to call the trip off.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02The Queen said...
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Then again, if you're trying to get Chinese people
0:19:06 > 0:19:09to ask you for a Ferrero Rocher...
0:19:11 > 0:19:13That's a Prince Philip joke.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17Ian and Julia, here's another one for you.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19- JULIA:- Oh, exam stress. - Yes.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Old-fashioned schooling.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22Ah, fero.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Bend over, lad. This won't hurt.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27And I think that's a U-turn.
0:19:27 > 0:19:28This is another Government U-turn
0:19:28 > 0:19:30to add to all the other ones.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- And this one's over...academies? - Yes.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35It was in the middle of the last Budget,
0:19:35 > 0:19:39and I think it was thrown in to show that they do have some ideas,
0:19:39 > 0:19:40even if they're very, very bad.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44It's a new way of governing.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48There was also some controversy around the Sats exams.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51What happened to the reading test paper for seven-year-olds?
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Oh, it was leaked. Someone gave it away.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56A rogue examiner, apparently, looked at it on a website
0:19:56 > 0:20:00- and then gave it away.- I think the rogue examiner is now on the run
0:20:00 > 0:20:04and is the Edward Snowden of telling people
0:20:04 > 0:20:05how to spell "necessary".
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Well, I got very stressed by exams last week
0:20:10 > 0:20:12because it turns out an article I'd written a year ago
0:20:12 > 0:20:16about why 16 and 17-year-olds should not be allowed to vote
0:20:16 > 0:20:18went on an SQA,
0:20:18 > 0:20:22a Scottish Qualifications Authority Higher English exam at GCSE,
0:20:22 > 0:20:25and I only discovered this when the first sort of 20, 30,
0:20:25 > 0:20:2740 abusive tweets came through.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31And eventually after about 5,000 abusive tweets
0:20:31 > 0:20:33I worked out what had happened.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35But judging by their spelling,
0:20:35 > 0:20:37because what is a "cnut" anyway?
0:20:38 > 0:20:42- But, but judging by...- Was it the history paper?- It was history.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Judging by their spelling, I don't think many of the people
0:20:45 > 0:20:47complaining about this actually passed the exam.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50That's right, your article was in a Scottish exam
0:20:50 > 0:20:52and apparently the answer was B,
0:20:52 > 0:20:54bollocks.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58APPLAUSE
0:20:59 > 0:21:01It's interesting to meet you actually
0:21:01 > 0:21:04because I only know you through your Telegraph column
0:21:04 > 0:21:07and all I know is that people get more right-wing as they get older
0:21:07 > 0:21:10so I'd always assumed that you were about 295 years old.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14APPLAUSE
0:21:16 > 0:21:20There was a piece that Molly Morris aged 11 wrote to the Guardian.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21She said...
0:21:32 > 0:21:33Yes, well done, Molly.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Although the full stop should have come after the brackets,
0:21:36 > 0:21:38the exclamation mark is redundant
0:21:38 > 0:21:41and it's the subjunctive mood, not form.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Actually the full stop shouldn't have come after the brackets,
0:21:43 > 0:21:46that's a separate sentence in parenthesis. You're quite wrong.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53To be fair, I didn't even write this so...
0:21:53 > 0:21:54Well done, Molly.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00In the last 12 months, the Government has done more U-turns
0:22:00 > 0:22:03than Matt LeBlanc screeching around the Cenotaph.
0:22:03 > 0:22:0724, in fact, so to celebrate this remarkable achievement,
0:22:07 > 0:22:09shall we play a game with the U-turn randomiser?
0:22:09 > 0:22:11- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Let's give it a dry run to help you get your heads around the concept.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Are these all achievable ambitions?
0:22:30 > 0:22:32We're going to have a pop on the randomiser now
0:22:32 > 0:22:35and feel free to buzz in if you know what the U-turn was.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Chicken. What was the U-turn about chicken?
0:22:41 > 0:22:43It didn't cross the road?
0:22:44 > 0:22:47It was the U-turn that they were forced to do on dropping
0:22:47 > 0:22:51animal welfare codes, specifically on chicken farmed for meat.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55- Oh.- Now, instead of facing an agonising and brutal death,
0:22:55 > 0:22:59chickens can look forward to a brutal death.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Let's have another pop on the randomiser.
0:23:07 > 0:23:08Women.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10They're allowed now, are they?
0:23:11 > 0:23:12Surely not.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16- Was this pensions for women? - Er, no.- Nope.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Because of EU rules, there's a qualification,
0:23:19 > 0:23:22a categorisation of Tampax as luxury items.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24And a lot of women say they're not luxury items,
0:23:24 > 0:23:27they're a necessity, why are we paying tax on them?
0:23:27 > 0:23:30And the equivalent items for men don't get taxed.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33What equivalent items for men, Ian? Do...
0:23:33 > 0:23:34Do tell.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Books about football.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38The fact is that tampons aren't a luxury item
0:23:38 > 0:23:42because no-one's ever taken them onto Desert Island Discs.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Let's have another last pop on the randomiser.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51I'd be disappointed if gay sex wasn't the last one
0:23:51 > 0:23:53cos otherwise what's it doing there?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58It's now restricted between people of the same sex.
0:24:00 > 0:24:05Before, anybody could join in but now they're really being quite rigid.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09It was the U-turn that they did on poppers.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11- Oh, yes.- Oh, yes!
0:24:11 > 0:24:14In Parliament, they were having trouble forcing it through...
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Do you know what would've helped with that? Poppers.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25The Government was forced into a U-turn on academies.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28The great thing about academies is that they can't be run at a profit,
0:24:28 > 0:24:31so they only attract people who really want to raise standards
0:24:31 > 0:24:34for students...or deny evolution or introduce Sharia law.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40And so to Round Two, the Strengthometer of News.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the first one.
0:24:45 > 0:24:46BELL RINGS
0:24:46 > 0:24:48PAUL LAUGHS
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- JULIA:- This is genius. These sheep were stolen
0:24:50 > 0:24:52but they had a photograph of the sheep that were stolen
0:24:52 > 0:24:54and the police put it out
0:24:54 > 0:24:57and they pixelated the faces of the sheep
0:24:57 > 0:25:01for privacy reasons under the human rights legislation.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04- Genuinely.- It wasn't exactly sheep privacy. They said...
0:25:10 > 0:25:12APPLAUSE
0:25:13 > 0:25:16And deliciousness.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19The police later revealed that it was a joke.
0:25:19 > 0:25:25Meanwhile, what has the Greater Manchester Police been planning for?
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Is this the possible terror attack in a shopping centre?
0:25:28 > 0:25:29Yes, it is.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32They've been carrying out a training exercise simulating
0:25:32 > 0:25:36an IS-style attack on the Trafford shopping centre in Manchester.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37Let's take a look.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar!
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Allahu Akbar!
0:25:43 > 0:25:46It's all just staged. They're all just actors, obviously,
0:25:46 > 0:25:47but it was horrifyingly realistic
0:25:47 > 0:25:50and some people got very annoyed. Do you think it was a bad idea?
0:25:50 > 0:25:55Well, I spoke to all the Muslims before we came on tonight...
0:25:55 > 0:25:58And they were split 50-50. 50-50 split.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01A lot of people...a lot of Muslims are annoyed that they used
0:26:01 > 0:26:03"Allahu Akbar", which I'm quite surprised by,
0:26:03 > 0:26:05because if you are doing a training exercise
0:26:05 > 0:26:08about possible people from ISIS, it's quite likely
0:26:08 > 0:26:10that they might be shouting "Allahu Akbar",
0:26:10 > 0:26:12so fair enough to the police, I think,
0:26:12 > 0:26:13but a lot of Muslims are saying
0:26:13 > 0:26:15"Allahu Akbar" is used for different things
0:26:15 > 0:26:18and if you are in a shopping centre and you hear somebody shout it,
0:26:18 > 0:26:20it could be they are about to bomb you
0:26:20 > 0:26:22or it could be that they are about to pray,
0:26:22 > 0:26:26- or there's a sale on at Next.- Hmm.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28So, that's only fair. They want to make sure there's a distinction.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30One person tweeted...
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Post-modern terrorism, that's what we want.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46This is the news that the Greater Manchester Police
0:26:46 > 0:26:48have carried out a terrorist training exercise.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51If people think shouting "Allahu Akbar"
0:26:51 > 0:26:53is going to cause pandemonium, try going to the Trafford Centre
0:26:53 > 0:26:58and shouting that it's the last orders at Wetherspoons.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Fingers on the buzzers, teams, here's the next one.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10- Absolutely no idea what this is about.- No.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13This is the news that the classic children crossing sign
0:27:13 > 0:27:15- has been given a makeover.- No!
0:27:15 > 0:27:18The designer, Margaret Calvert, says the new-look sign is a...
0:27:21 > 0:27:25Does anyone want to see it? Here's the 1962 original...
0:27:25 > 0:27:28And here it is after the redesign...
0:27:30 > 0:27:32- JULIA:- That's uncanny.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36And here they are together, with the new one on the right,
0:27:36 > 0:27:39or the left, I've lost track slightly.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Can anyone spot the differences?
0:27:41 > 0:27:45It's very unrealistic, though, cos kids don't walk to school anymore,
0:27:45 > 0:27:46it should be a picture of a 4x4...
0:27:46 > 0:27:48And an angry mum.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52And they've got faces as well...
0:27:52 > 0:27:54These kids wouldn't be able to find a road...
0:27:54 > 0:27:58- Shouting at them where it was. - Talking of spot the differences... - Yes.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02Greggs the bakers made a puzzle...
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Can you see what's going on here?
0:28:05 > 0:28:07This is a challenge they made.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10Well, is it like a Rubik's Cube or something?
0:28:10 > 0:28:12The challenge is - they are all steak bakes
0:28:12 > 0:28:14but one is a cheese and onion slice.
0:28:19 > 0:28:23There you go - moved on from the big stories.
0:28:23 > 0:28:27This rule about BBC shows being distinctive, when does it kick in?
0:28:27 > 0:28:31This is the news that the classic children crossing sign has been given a makeover.
0:28:31 > 0:28:35I see so many silhouettes in the newspapers these days,
0:28:35 > 0:28:38when I saw that sign I just assumed that one of them was a prostitute
0:28:38 > 0:28:42and the other a well-known actor and family man.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44Fingers on buzzers, teams...
0:28:48 > 0:28:49BUZZER
0:28:49 > 0:28:54Um, this is the woman who got a wedding gift from a guest
0:28:54 > 0:28:59and it cost £100. And she basically complained and said it wasn't enough
0:28:59 > 0:29:00and sent it back.
0:29:00 > 0:29:04Yes, it's exactly that, she sent an e-mail that said...
0:29:11 > 0:29:15The guest had recently received an inheritance and the bride's e-mail
0:29:15 > 0:29:16to her went on...
0:29:22 > 0:29:25I'd send an adjustment, yeah - zero!
0:29:25 > 0:29:26Do you know what she replied?
0:29:26 > 0:29:27Fuck off!
0:29:32 > 0:29:36Meanwhile, why has a receptionist at a City firm been sent home
0:29:36 > 0:29:37on her first day?
0:29:37 > 0:29:41- She wasn't wearing high heels... Is that right?- That's right.
0:29:41 > 0:29:45She wasn't wearing high heels, which employment agency Portico
0:29:45 > 0:29:49said was obligatory, but only for women.
0:29:50 > 0:29:54This is the wedding guest who was sent an e-mail by the bride,
0:29:54 > 0:29:56asking for an increase in her £100 gift.
0:29:56 > 0:30:00The outraged guest has been asking advice for what to do next -
0:30:00 > 0:30:03sleep with the husband? I don't know.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06In other news, a City worker has been told she had
0:30:06 > 0:30:10to wear high heels - the equalities officer of the company employing
0:30:10 > 0:30:13Miss Thorp has since changed the policy and now says
0:30:13 > 0:30:16workers can wear high-heeled shoes or, if they prefer,
0:30:16 > 0:30:19plain, flat, ugly lesbian shoes.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21It's up to them.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25Time now for the Odd One Out Round.
0:30:25 > 0:30:27Ian and Julia, your four are
0:30:27 > 0:30:28Pot Black snooker,
0:30:28 > 0:30:30the Biami tribe,
0:30:30 > 0:30:34the Natural Environment Research Council's polar research vessel
0:30:34 > 0:30:37and the fossilised egg of an elephant bird.
0:30:37 > 0:30:39- JULIA:- Well, we know about the polar vessel,
0:30:39 > 0:30:43because people voted for it to be called Boaty McBoatface
0:30:43 > 0:30:47and Boring McBoringface in the Government decided that was wrong.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50They're going to call it the Sir David Attenborough,
0:30:50 > 0:30:52but that prompted a petition, rather wonderfully,
0:30:52 > 0:30:55for Sir David Attenborough to change his name by deed poll
0:30:55 > 0:30:57to Sir David McDavidface.
0:30:57 > 0:30:59It's about changing your name.
0:30:59 > 0:31:02It's not called Pot Black any more.
0:31:02 > 0:31:04Every Colour Is Equal, it's called now.
0:31:04 > 0:31:07Is it?
0:31:07 > 0:31:09Is there a link to David Attenborough here?
0:31:09 > 0:31:13Ah, yes! Cos David Attenborough was the controller of BBC Two
0:31:13 > 0:31:15when he commissioned Pot Black back in 1969
0:31:15 > 0:31:18because it was a programme made for colour TV.
0:31:18 > 0:31:21- ADIL:- Did he discover all these, apart from which one didn't he...
0:31:21 > 0:31:22- JULIA:- Boaty McBoatface.
0:31:22 > 0:31:25He didn't discover that but he was named after it, or something.
0:31:25 > 0:31:27Is the right answer.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29APPLAUSE
0:31:30 > 0:31:33They're all known thanks to the work of Sir David Attenborough,
0:31:33 > 0:31:36apart from the UK's new polar research vessel,
0:31:36 > 0:31:39which is going to be named after him.
0:31:39 > 0:31:42I don't know if you've followed the whole Boaty McBoatface thing.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44I thought it could have gone a lot worse
0:31:44 > 0:31:47if you were asking the British public to decide on something.
0:31:47 > 0:31:49They're lucky it wasn't called Harold Shipman.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56I sort of, I sort of feel bad for not getting the joke.
0:31:56 > 0:32:00Everybody loved it. But I just think putting Mc in front of
0:32:00 > 0:32:02something doesn't necessarily make it funny.
0:32:02 > 0:32:03Look at Michael McIntyre.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11Naming contests are notorious for going awry.
0:32:11 > 0:32:14What forced American fizzy drinks brand Mountain Dew
0:32:14 > 0:32:19to ignore a public vote to name its new apple-flavoured drink in 2012?
0:32:20 > 0:32:22It was won by the name...
0:32:28 > 0:32:31Submitted by Ken!
0:32:31 > 0:32:34- What was the drink - Mountain Jew, did you say?- Mountain Dew.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38A hitherto unknown Biami tribe of Papua New Guinea were
0:32:38 > 0:32:43discovered by David Attenborough while filming a documentary in 1971.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46What did David Attenborough do with the egg from the gigantic
0:32:46 > 0:32:48but extinct elephant bird?
0:32:48 > 0:32:50He had to put it together because...
0:32:50 > 0:32:52- He did, yeah. - Put it all back together.
0:32:52 > 0:32:55He reconstructed it from over 1,000 pieces.
0:32:55 > 0:32:57Here's what he started out with.
0:32:58 > 0:33:00And here's his first attempt.
0:33:04 > 0:33:06And then he made this.
0:33:08 > 0:33:12Sir David was so delighted to hear that a boat had been named after him,
0:33:12 > 0:33:15that he celebrated his birthday by cracking a bottle of champagne
0:33:15 > 0:33:17across his own face.
0:33:18 > 0:33:21What could be a more appropriate 90th birthday gift for
0:33:21 > 0:33:24David Attenborough than to give his name to a polar research vessel,
0:33:24 > 0:33:29as they both begin a long, cold journey to a place of endless night?
0:33:34 > 0:33:36Happy birthday, Sir David.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41Paul and Adil, here are yours -
0:33:41 > 0:33:44420 billion slugs,
0:33:44 > 0:33:472,186 goats,
0:33:47 > 0:33:49two wolves and one weasel.
0:33:51 > 0:33:54Is the weasel the only one that nearly drowned in a bottle of milk?
0:33:58 > 0:34:01Was the weasel the one that was in the Hadron Collider?
0:34:01 > 0:34:02- It is.- Ah, yes.
0:34:02 > 0:34:07He ate through a cable and it stopped working, so...
0:34:07 > 0:34:09These other things did something...
0:34:11 > 0:34:13..that stopped something working.
0:34:13 > 0:34:17- I can play this game, I can do that! - And that's an exclusive.
0:34:17 > 0:34:21So this is animals that have destroyed... Have broken in to
0:34:21 > 0:34:24something or eaten something... That have created havoc.
0:34:24 > 0:34:26So the wolves - they've broken up
0:34:26 > 0:34:30the annual general meeting of Goldman Sachs.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33- I'm sure I read something recently about big slugs or...- Big slugs!
0:34:33 > 0:34:36- Coming to attack us.- Yeah, watch out, big slugs, yeah.
0:34:36 > 0:34:39- Watch out, the big slugs are coming to kill us.- Slugmania.
0:34:39 > 0:34:45- Is that what happens if we leave the EU?- You're absolutely on the right track...
0:34:45 > 0:34:47Really...?
0:34:47 > 0:34:50- They've all inconvenienced people except one.- Ah, yes.
0:34:50 > 0:34:51Apart from the goats.
0:34:51 > 0:34:53- It's actually the wolves.- Oh, yes.
0:34:53 > 0:34:56They have all inconvenienced people apart from the wolves,
0:34:56 > 0:35:00which are a positive boon for Belarus's Eurovision entry, Ivan.
0:35:00 > 0:35:03- Oh!- Ivan is going to perform, I think, tonight,
0:35:03 > 0:35:08naked, with two presumably quite baffled wolves.
0:35:08 > 0:35:11Hopefully well-fed wolves at this point.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14- Hopefully well-drugged wolves.- Yes.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17What does Ivan say is key to performing naked with wolves?
0:35:18 > 0:35:21Is it a show called Dangling With Wolves?
0:35:23 > 0:35:26- Is that wolf wearing something in the nether regions?- Yeah.
0:35:26 > 0:35:27Is that like a thong or...?
0:35:27 > 0:35:30He's wearing the other bloke's underpants.
0:35:30 > 0:35:32- He is naked and the wolf's wearing a thong?- Yeah!
0:35:32 > 0:35:35That's what's going on there.
0:35:35 > 0:35:38- The Eurovision knows its audience. - It certainly does.
0:35:39 > 0:35:41And that's a blue screen,
0:35:41 > 0:35:44so God knows what the image will be like on the night.
0:35:44 > 0:35:46What he said to the Mail Online was...
0:35:51 > 0:35:55A new super breed of sex-mad, sleepless slugs
0:35:55 > 0:35:56has arrived from Spain.
0:35:56 > 0:35:59An alliterative threat.
0:35:59 > 0:36:01Do you know how they got over here?
0:36:01 > 0:36:03Really slowly.
0:36:04 > 0:36:07They've just been tossed from garden to garden.
0:36:08 > 0:36:11For some people, that's a summer holiday.
0:36:14 > 0:36:17According to the Daily Mail, it was...
0:36:20 > 0:36:24And why might these slugs be dangerous to road users?
0:36:24 > 0:36:27The car crushes the slug, the slug gets caught up in the rubber,
0:36:27 > 0:36:30the rubber and the slug interact together in the way that only
0:36:30 > 0:36:35synthetic material and a live animal can and it all goes wrong.
0:36:35 > 0:36:38Well, I'm going to give a point for that because actually,
0:36:38 > 0:36:40they get run over on the road, other slugs come out to eat them
0:36:40 > 0:36:43and it creates a...
0:36:45 > 0:36:47Looking forward to that.
0:36:49 > 0:36:54Do you know how 2,186 goats forced a plane to make an emergency landing?
0:36:54 > 0:36:56Had a gun.
0:36:56 > 0:36:59"I'm speaking for all the others behind me."
0:36:59 > 0:37:03They set an emergency alarm off and the crew discovered the cause
0:37:03 > 0:37:07of the arm wasn't a fire but the result of extreme levels of...
0:37:09 > 0:37:11Nervous flyers?
0:37:12 > 0:37:16A weasel disrupted the Large Hadron Collider last week.
0:37:16 > 0:37:19The Large Hadron Collider has revealed a lot of previously
0:37:19 > 0:37:21unknown information to scientists.
0:37:21 > 0:37:24For example, we now know how to cook a weasel to perfection.
0:37:26 > 0:37:30Belarus's Eurovision entry, Ivan, will perform with wolves.
0:37:30 > 0:37:32The tragedy is he has said to his friends
0:37:32 > 0:37:35so often in the past that he's going to be performing with wolves
0:37:35 > 0:37:38at Eurovision that nobody believes him any more.
0:37:42 > 0:37:44Time now for the Missing Words round,
0:37:44 > 0:37:47which this week features as its guest publication...
0:37:49 > 0:37:52If, like me, you are a massive fan of parking conventions,
0:37:52 > 0:37:55there's a brilliant one every day on the M25.
0:37:57 > 0:37:58And we start with...
0:38:01 > 0:38:03..are made before designer eggs.
0:38:03 > 0:38:06- That's the old debate. - Yeah, sorted that one out.
0:38:09 > 0:38:13Thieves are targeting middle-class homes and stealing rare chickens.
0:38:13 > 0:38:14Good.
0:38:20 > 0:38:21Next up...
0:38:25 > 0:38:28I love the fact the editor is called Van Horn of Parking Today.
0:38:28 > 0:38:30That's brilliant.
0:38:37 > 0:38:39That's a great defence of editors.
0:38:40 > 0:38:44One of his colleagues in Parking Today writes that...
0:38:48 > 0:38:51He must be shit at parking, then.
0:38:51 > 0:38:52Next up:
0:38:55 > 0:38:57Lack of paparazzi.
0:38:57 > 0:38:59The world.
0:39:02 > 0:39:07She's upset about a puddle outside her house.
0:39:07 > 0:39:09Joan eventually filled the hole in quickly using
0:39:09 > 0:39:12whatever the hell it is she puts on her face.
0:39:14 > 0:39:15Next up:
0:39:18 > 0:39:21By being replaced by other robots.
0:39:21 > 0:39:22No.
0:39:24 > 0:39:26If sex humanises machines,
0:39:26 > 0:39:30then my Henry The Hoover should be able to cook me breakfast soon.
0:39:34 > 0:39:35Next up:
0:39:39 > 0:39:43Book on parallel parking has become a classic.
0:39:43 > 0:39:45- ADIL:- Professor Donald Shoup's book of
0:39:45 > 0:39:49How I Never Want To Write A Classic has become a classic.
0:39:49 > 0:39:52I'm going to give you a point for the first one
0:39:52 > 0:39:53because the answer is...
0:39:53 > 0:39:57- ..is a classic in the parking industry.- Oof!
0:39:57 > 0:39:59I don't know anything about Professor Donald Shoup
0:39:59 > 0:40:02but I guarantee his nickname at school was Cream Of Tomato.
0:40:05 > 0:40:06And finally...
0:40:08 > 0:40:11Tastes of bamboo and shit.
0:40:21 > 0:40:26This is the news that you can now get panda tea made from poo.
0:40:26 > 0:40:28Poo Tea is the name of the panda.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32So, the final scores are...
0:40:32 > 0:40:34Paul and Adil have eight points
0:40:34 > 0:40:36and Ian and Julia have six points.
0:40:36 > 0:40:38APPLAUSE
0:40:42 > 0:40:44And I'll leave you with the news
0:40:44 > 0:40:46that outside the Houses of Parliament,
0:40:46 > 0:40:48a Tory aide desperately tries to stop the press
0:40:48 > 0:40:52seeing what happens to Iain Duncan Smith after dark.
0:40:58 > 0:40:59At a Buckingham Palace tea party,
0:40:59 > 0:41:01there's relief that the cameraman
0:41:01 > 0:41:03who captured the Queen's undiplomatic remarks
0:41:03 > 0:41:06about the Chinese didn't look behind him.
0:41:08 > 0:41:11And outside an abattoir in Birmingham,
0:41:11 > 0:41:12Larry can't believe his luck
0:41:12 > 0:41:14as his friends have remembered his birthday.
0:41:21 > 0:41:22Goodnight.