0:00:27 > 0:00:29APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Gary Lineker.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43In the news this week -
0:00:43 > 0:00:46in Essex, one passenger takes the easy option
0:00:46 > 0:00:50after foolishly asking a taxi driver for his opinions on Brexit.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03On his way to Crufts, one impatient driver gets stuck in a traffic jam.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07HORN BEEPS CONTINUOUSLY
0:01:07 > 0:01:08HORN STOPS
0:01:08 > 0:01:10HORN BEEPS AGAIN
0:01:10 > 0:01:15And as Russia apologises for its part in the doping scandal,
0:01:15 > 0:01:18trials begin with the only clean athletes left in the country.
0:01:27 > 0:01:28APPLAUSE
0:01:31 > 0:01:33So, let's find out how the teams line up.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Captain Ian Hislop plays on the right,
0:01:36 > 0:01:38if the Government's on the left,
0:01:38 > 0:01:41and on the left, if the Government's on the right.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44And on Ian's team tonight is a comedian who says
0:01:44 > 0:01:46he appears on stage with nothing planned,
0:01:46 > 0:01:49other than about four random words on a piece of scrap paper,
0:01:49 > 0:01:53so Britain's answer to Donald Trump, please welcome Ross Noble.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55CHEERING
0:01:59 > 0:02:02And their opponents tonight, Captain Paul Merton.
0:02:02 > 0:02:07Like Jamie Vardy, who started off in an amateur steelworkers' team,
0:02:07 > 0:02:11Paul kicked off his career with a CSE in metalwork.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15On his team tonight is a journalist who won Celebrity Mastermind
0:02:15 > 0:02:18in a performance that reminded me of Alan Shearer.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20No passes.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Please welcome Samira Ahmed.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24APPLAUSE
0:02:28 > 0:02:31And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34- Paul and Samira, take a look at this.- Yep.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Ah, yes, Boris Johnson, clearly never, ever used an iron
0:02:37 > 0:02:38or ever seen anyone use an iron.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Er, that's Michael Heseltine with a vision of the future,
0:02:41 > 0:02:44and that's George Osborne's birthday party.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49This is what's going to happen if we don't vote in or out,
0:02:49 > 0:02:50depending on who's telling you.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54Boris says, "Basically, if we stay, it'll be like Hitler."
0:02:54 > 0:02:58And Heseltine says, "This is obscene and racist, possibly,
0:02:58 > 0:03:01"and a bit mad, and so..."
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Boris has got a touch of the Ken Livingstone's Tourette's.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07- Hitler! Hitler! Hitler! - Hitler! Hitler! Hitler!
0:03:09 > 0:03:12It's like in the playground, if you're losing an argument,
0:03:12 > 0:03:15you say, "You're Hitler!
0:03:15 > 0:03:18"That's what he would've done. Hitler!"
0:03:18 > 0:03:21- That's what they did at Oxford, did they?- They did.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22The things we miss out on.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25I think there's a thing about hair in there as well, isn't there?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28- There's a lot of hair, a lot of hair.- I think there's been...
0:03:28 > 0:03:29Herr Hitler!
0:03:33 > 0:03:35APPLAUSE
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Congratulations. That's the first time that joke's been broadcast
0:03:38 > 0:03:40on the BBC since 1942.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45This is the continuing kerfuffle over the EU referendum.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48What did Michael Heseltine say about Boris Johnson this week?
0:03:48 > 0:03:50He appears to be losing his judgment, he said.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52People with long memories remember the days,
0:03:52 > 0:03:55back in the - was it late '70s? - when Michael Heseltine was swirling
0:03:55 > 0:03:58the mace about his head in the houses of Parliament?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01And rebelling against his own Prime Minister, Mrs Thatcher.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Now he thinks you shouldn't rebel against your Prime Minister,
0:04:03 > 0:04:05if it's David Cameron.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07But he is getting old.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Michael Heseltine and Boris Johnson
0:04:10 > 0:04:12do have other things in common, don't they?
0:04:12 > 0:04:15- He was also someone who thought he was going to be Prime Minister.- Yes.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17- Like Boris.- Mm.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Imagine if, like, if Boris becomes Prime Minister
0:04:22 > 0:04:24and Trump becomes President, could you imagine,
0:04:24 > 0:04:27just on a windy day, what that's going to look like?
0:04:27 > 0:04:28It's just going to be like...
0:04:30 > 0:04:32..just swirling.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37What else annoyed Michael Heseltine?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Heseltine didn't like what Boris said about bananas.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42He said that, oh, because of the EU, you can't sell them
0:04:42 > 0:04:45in more than threes, and actually it's fours, isn't it?
0:04:45 > 0:04:47He said you can ONLY sell them in threes?
0:04:47 > 0:04:51- But hang on, that's just wrong!- You can just buy a nice single banana.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Yeah, you don't have to, like... "Three bananas for the weekend?"
0:04:54 > 0:04:57That's not, you know...
0:04:57 > 0:05:01- That's...- It is indeed about the bananas. He said...
0:05:09 > 0:05:11How did David Miliband get involved?
0:05:11 > 0:05:14He was photographed several years ago holding a banana
0:05:14 > 0:05:17and that was the end of his political career.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20For reasons I never completely, fully understood.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23David Miliband tweeted a kind of lesson to Boris, to say,
0:05:23 > 0:05:25"I'd steer clear of bananas, if I were you."
0:05:25 > 0:05:27That's exactly right.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29After all the talk of Hitler,
0:05:29 > 0:05:32how did David Cameron bring a sense of perspective to the debate?
0:05:32 > 0:05:34World War III.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38- No, he upped it from World War III. - World War IV?- Isis.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41He said Isis would like it if we left.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Well, he said that Vladimir Putin
0:05:43 > 0:05:46and the leader of the Islamic State would vote with Boris.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49That's going to be a photo opportunity
0:05:49 > 0:05:51on the morning, isn't it?
0:05:54 > 0:05:56All those jihadis there, like that.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59IMITATES BORIS JOHNSON
0:06:01 > 0:06:05What do the Leave campaign see as their dream scenario?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Don't know. Must be bubonic plague.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage on the same platform
0:06:12 > 0:06:13is their dream scenario,
0:06:13 > 0:06:16a source from the grassroots Out campaign has said.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23..like the X-Men.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26Speaking of which,
0:06:26 > 0:06:30what special powers did Boris appear to gain this week?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32He went home...
0:06:33 > 0:06:37- ..at the time that his wife was expecting him.- Don't be ridiculous!
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Well, Alistair Higham on Twitter
0:06:40 > 0:06:43thinks he may have been watching too much Star Wars.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Watch how Boris deals with this cameraman.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54APPLAUSE
0:07:00 > 0:07:03- That's... That's scary. - Yeah, that really is.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06For the first time, I'm actually frightened.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09What is Boris doing here?
0:07:09 > 0:07:11- He was angle grinding this week, wasn't he?- Was he?
0:07:11 > 0:07:15- He was, yeah. He was physically... - Is this just a bit of gossip or...?
0:07:17 > 0:07:21No, he was on an angle grinder and I'm not referring to a dating site.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23He was...
0:07:24 > 0:07:27That is a giant cheque.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30I think he's trying to make the point that in Europe,
0:07:30 > 0:07:34you waste £350 million a week, but actually that doesn't include
0:07:34 > 0:07:37the rebate or any of the money that the EU pays us back,
0:07:37 > 0:07:41- so this figure is not true.- Mmm. - But he doesn't mind.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45But they were burning it in a giant fire, to say,
0:07:45 > 0:07:48"Hey, your money is going up in metaphors."
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Yes, he is burning a cheque for £350 million in a furnace,
0:07:54 > 0:07:58which is what Man United may as well have done this season.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02It's supposed to represent the amount...
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Do you want to explain that to those two?
0:08:04 > 0:08:07- They've got no idea what you're talking about.- No, we'll pick it up.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- It's football.- Yes, the Alan Shearer joke, very funny.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11No passes.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14APPLAUSE
0:08:15 > 0:08:18There was a thing, wasn't it, with that Leicester lot, wasn't it?
0:08:18 > 0:08:20They did well, didn't they?
0:08:20 > 0:08:22As you mention it, they did all right, yeah.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26I didn't watch the parade on telly, I followed it on the internet.
0:08:26 > 0:08:31You could track Danny Simpson's tag just on there.
0:08:34 > 0:08:35Just...
0:08:37 > 0:08:40People getting off doing community service, eugh!
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- Tricky.- Just as well where you come from, isn't it?- Oh, there we go.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46- AUDIENCE:- Oooh!
0:08:46 > 0:08:50- Anyway, back to business... - Your... Your crisps are shit!
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Where were we? Yes, Ian...
0:08:57 > 0:08:59We were just raising the level of the debate.
0:08:59 > 0:09:04- Indeed.- Let's go back to the EU, the exciting EU.- Oh, the EU, yes.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Boris Johnson, here he is discussing the details
0:09:06 > 0:09:09in typical fashion with ITV's Tom Bradby.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Let's deal with your arguments -
0:09:11 > 0:09:13- one of them is on the side of this bus.- Yes.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15"We send 350 million to Europe."
0:09:15 > 0:09:17- We don't.- We do. - And you know we don't.
0:09:17 > 0:09:18- No, we don't, you know we don't. - No, no.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Admit that that figure is grotesquely misleading, at best.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23I won't. I won't.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Did you see that he sat on a report
0:09:26 > 0:09:28into London's air pollution problems,
0:09:28 > 0:09:31and that some of the worst-polluted areas in London are most deprived?
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Yes. I mean, he commissioned the report,
0:09:33 > 0:09:37and it didn't say what he wanted, so, quite rightly, he sat on it.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39- Do you have a problem with that?- No.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Just nice to have that other side of Boris
0:09:41 > 0:09:42- to be brought out, too.- Absolutely.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46Which social media outlets is David Cameron thinking of using
0:09:46 > 0:09:49- to help him?- Oh, it was the, the...
0:09:49 > 0:09:51- the... Tinder, isn't it?- Mm-hm.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Yeah, he's... No, seriously, he's...
0:09:54 > 0:09:58Yeah, he wants to use the Tinder, so, if you like what he says,
0:09:58 > 0:10:03you swipe whichever way the people that want to find the love swipe...
0:10:05 > 0:10:09- Yeah, not just Tinder, also the Lad Bible.- What's the Lad Bible?
0:10:09 > 0:10:14- Is it like the Gutenberg Bible? - It's like a Bible for lads.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Oh, I thought it was a town in north-east Germany.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19He's going to...
0:10:21 > 0:10:24He's going to use them to encourage young people to vote.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27It's full of top bants and essential kit!
0:10:29 > 0:10:30There you go.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32What?!
0:10:36 > 0:10:37What?!
0:10:38 > 0:10:42Hands above the table, everybody, please.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Yeah, I think the mistake he's made there is the giveaway,
0:10:45 > 0:10:48he's doing a thumbs up, isn't he?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51He's not working as a waiter in a cafe, is he, by any chance?
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Aren't men really terrible?
0:10:53 > 0:10:57- APPLAUSE - Dear, oh, dear!
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- I think we should move on.- Yeah, no!
0:11:02 > 0:11:06The Times analysed the deepening split within the Conservative Party
0:11:06 > 0:11:09and how it might affect some members of the Cabinet.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Who do they think will be the casualties?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14- Gove.- Yes.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- John Whittingdale.- That'll be sad.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Chris Grayling's all right, isn't he? Because he's...
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Oh, no, he's not.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Well, here is the Times' analysis.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37But that's where he likes it!
0:11:37 > 0:11:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:42 > 0:11:46This is the calm, measured debate over Britain's EU membership,
0:11:46 > 0:11:47which, in the last few days,
0:11:47 > 0:11:50has featured Hitler, Isis and World War III.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Michael Heseltine has accused Boris Johnson of...
0:11:58 > 0:12:01The intervention sent shock waves through Westminster
0:12:01 > 0:12:04as people realised that Michael Heseltine was still alive.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09There was good news for the Remain camp this week
0:12:09 > 0:12:12when a new poll gave them a 4% lead -
0:12:12 > 0:12:15although there are plenty of people who don't want to be in Europe.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18I saw 11 of them playing for Liverpool on Wednesday.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21APPLAUSE
0:12:23 > 0:12:27- Anything?- Very good.- Very good.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Ian and Ross, take a look at this.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33- It's the Queen.- Shiny thing, there.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35- Queen's Speech.- In a coach... Oh, hello!
0:12:35 > 0:12:36What's going on there?
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- Her Majesty's pleasure - people being locked up.- Yeah.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42I think this is the contents of the Queen's Speech.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Which was quite short.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46There wasn't a great deal there.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49She basically said, "I'll see you after the referendum."
0:12:49 > 0:12:51But, you know, it's always nice
0:12:51 > 0:12:54to watch an old woman in very heavy clothing.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55- Yeah.- You know?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57It's always a bit of fun, isn't it?
0:12:57 > 0:13:00- With a massive, heavy thing on her, and a big crown.- Yeah.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02"Go on, love, get up them stairs."
0:13:04 > 0:13:08- You know? It's sort of like a sparkly It's A Knockout.- Yeah.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10And she reads the sort of cards very well.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14I mean, we could have her on here, I think she'd do brilliantly.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16If we put them on vellum.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17What's vellum?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20It's a cross between valium and helium.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22So, it, um...
0:13:22 > 0:13:26It relaxes you, but you do float away.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29And that's why she has to wear all the heavy clothes.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Cos otherwise, she's off.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33- You know?- Gone.
0:13:33 > 0:13:38- Yeah.- It is the 65th Queen's Speech at the State Opening of Parliament.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40What did Justice Secretary Michael Gove...
0:13:40 > 0:13:42What fingerprints did he have all over it?
0:13:42 > 0:13:46Well, there are some quite sensible prison reform measures,
0:13:46 > 0:13:48which, you know, might happen.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Or they might not - they might do a U-turn,
0:13:50 > 0:13:51and bring the Queen back,
0:13:51 > 0:13:53and say, "My Government won't be doing any of this."
0:13:53 > 0:13:57Because now, all prisons, they all have to become academies.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59That's the plan. Yeah.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02APPLAUSE
0:14:02 > 0:14:04What is being proposed under the Star Trek Bill
0:14:04 > 0:14:06in the Queen's Speech?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Oh, is that the spaceport?
0:14:08 > 0:14:10- Mm.- The Cornwall Spaceport.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13That's the thing that lets it down slightly -
0:14:13 > 0:14:16"Spaceport! In Cornwall..."
0:14:17 > 0:14:22Where is the new intergalactic Gatwick likely to be built?
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Gatwick.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27If it's the intergalactic Gatwick, there'll be a row about it,
0:14:27 > 0:14:29and it might be the intergalactic Heathrow.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30SCATTERED LAUGHTER
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Thank you very much.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36But then there'll be a special suggestion of Boris Space Island.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37Yes!
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Which'll be like in Thunderbirds.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Floating like a giant blond thatch...
0:14:43 > 0:14:47that opens, and a big rocket comes out.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49He's standing there with his angle grinder.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53"Thunderbirds are Gove."
0:14:55 > 0:14:58APPLAUSE
0:14:59 > 0:15:02- It's Newquay in Cornwall. - Newquay.- Newquay.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Although, as The Sun pointed out...
0:15:13 > 0:15:16What had the Queen watched for several hours earlier in the week?
0:15:16 > 0:15:19It was... It was the Queen's life, all with...
0:15:19 > 0:15:21- Told with horses.- Told with horses.
0:15:21 > 0:15:22I tell you what, I...
0:15:22 > 0:15:26The horse said, "I remember the day she became Queen."
0:15:26 > 0:15:28HE WHINNIES
0:15:29 > 0:15:31But there were 900 horses -
0:15:31 > 0:15:34- they had the entire mounted police from Canada came in.- Yeah.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Where were those ones who did the tricks from?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Azerbaijanis or something?
0:15:38 > 0:15:40- Yeah...- Or Kazakhstan... - They were good.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42..and the thing about it, as you say -
0:15:42 > 0:15:44like, I'm not, like, a massive royalist, but I was just thinking...
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Like, I love Prince Harry, right? I think he's brilliant.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Probably for all the wrong reasons...
0:15:49 > 0:15:54And I thought, it would be amazing if he one day ended up as King,
0:15:54 > 0:15:58because to have his life acted out by horses...
0:15:58 > 0:16:00It would... Could you imagine?
0:16:00 > 0:16:01- APPLAUSE - Just...
0:16:04 > 0:16:08And Ant and Dec narrated, with Sir Alan Titchmarsh.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09- Is he Sir Alan?- No, surely not.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Oh, sorry.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- Alan Titchmarsh.- Yeah.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16- Al.- Al.- Yeah.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19He was only there cos he was going to take the manure.
0:16:21 > 0:16:22He wasn't in the line-up,
0:16:22 > 0:16:25he was stood there with a bucket, like that.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26"Do you want a knighthood?"
0:16:26 > 0:16:28"No, I'm fine, get me a shovel."
0:16:29 > 0:16:33Yes, it was a special gala for Her Majesty's 90th birthday.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35The evening was hosted by Ant and Dec.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37This guy was there.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- The King of Bahrain? - The King of Bahrain...
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Oh, I thought it was Super Mario.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48I thought he was just... He thought there was a princess in danger.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50That photograph does look like
0:16:50 > 0:16:53she's holding up a face of him, doesn't it?
0:16:59 > 0:17:02That's human rights abuser and close friend of the Royal family,
0:17:02 > 0:17:05- King Hamad of Bahrain.- Yeah.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07What's he looking at there? What's happened?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Oh, I think the Bahraini police did a baton charge.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Mounted. It was fantastic. Quite bloody.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19There was actually an unexpected explosion during the performance...
0:17:19 > 0:17:22which was so loud it almost made Princess Beatrice
0:17:22 > 0:17:25look up from her phone.
0:17:25 > 0:17:26But not quite.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Just going, "Another horse.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31"LOL."
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Back to government news -
0:17:34 > 0:17:37and what does smoked haddock, pilaf, a cheese and ham omelette
0:17:37 > 0:17:39and fruit cobbler have in common?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41They all want us to leave Europe.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44- Let's hear them again. - Yeah, say them again.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48- Smoked haddock...- Generation Game. Smoked haddock...
0:17:48 > 0:17:49- ..pilaf...- ..pilaf...
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Actually, I think that's "smoked haddock pilaf".
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Ah!
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Doesn't he play for Spain?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Keep going.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04..a cheese and ham omelette and fruit cobbler have in common?
0:18:04 > 0:18:06- Oh, I know.- You know.- Yeah.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08- Fruit.- They were all... - Come on, think about it.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- They were all recipes...- Yes. - ..on the BBC's website.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13- Mm.- Oh, very good.- Um, that...
0:18:13 > 0:18:15ROSS LAUGHS
0:18:15 > 0:18:16HE GRUNTS
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Well, have you tried some of them?
0:18:20 > 0:18:22There's a huge outrage over the BBC
0:18:22 > 0:18:25supposedly taking some recipes offline, when you could buy a book.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29The theory that the BBC just putting them on its commercial arm,
0:18:29 > 0:18:31where they were maybe planning to do it all along.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33It was the anger that people had.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35It was like the BBC went,
0:18:35 > 0:18:37"We're going to dangle Mary Berry by the ankles
0:18:37 > 0:18:39"off a multistorey car park."
0:18:40 > 0:18:42What will I do without the recipe?
0:18:42 > 0:18:45I mean, Nigella's avocado on toast...
0:18:45 > 0:18:47I've got the toast. I've got the avocado.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49What do I do? I mean...
0:18:49 > 0:18:51I don't know how it works.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Here's what to do, right? Pick the ones you like. Print them out.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55Shut your face.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Just quickly, while we're on the subject of television,
0:18:59 > 0:19:01what happened on Countdown this week?
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Rude word. It's got to be a rude word. It's always a rude word.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05Bumhole.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08There's no need for that! I only asked a question.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Yeah, well, there it is - evidence.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15- What, did that just come up?- Yeah.
0:19:15 > 0:19:20And ironically, if you use the X, Bumhole X is actually a website.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29And finally, during an interview with Piers Morgan,
0:19:29 > 0:19:32what did Donald Trump do?
0:19:32 > 0:19:36- Oh, God.- Did he lose the will to live?- He burped?
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Let's see what the odious megalomaniac had to say
0:19:41 > 0:19:43to the possible future President.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48We have a new Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, he's the first Muslim Mayor.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51- Congratulations.- He's been quite critical of you, as you know.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53He's attacked you for being ignorant,
0:19:53 > 0:19:56he says that if you're President, you'll make both our countries...
0:19:56 > 0:19:57Let's do an IQ test.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02He says you will make both our countries less safe.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05He says, "I hope Donald Trump loses the election.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07"My message to Donald Trump and his team is,
0:20:07 > 0:20:11- "your views of Islam are ignorant." - All right.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Well, when he won, I wished him well.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Now, I don't care about him,
0:20:15 > 0:20:17I mean, it doesn't make any difference to me about him.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Let's see how he does, let's see if he's a good Mayor.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Are you offended by what he says?
0:20:21 > 0:20:23I am, because he doesn't know me, never met me,
0:20:23 > 0:20:24doesn't know what I'm all about.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28I think they are very rude statements, and frankly,
0:20:28 > 0:20:30tell him I will remember those statements.
0:20:32 > 0:20:37- Wow.- There are just so many levels on Trump that you can't begin to start.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40He's called ignorant and he says let's do an IQ test?
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Doesn't measure knowledge!
0:20:44 > 0:20:47It measures basic intelligence - which he would lose.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Absolutely extraordinary.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52He's inconsistent, wrong, hopeless,
0:20:52 > 0:20:54accuses other people of being rude when he is.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57"He called me this because he didn't know me,"
0:20:57 > 0:20:58and Trump had suggested
0:20:58 > 0:21:01that all Muslims in the entire world were terrorists.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Did he know them? Had he met them all?
0:21:04 > 0:21:06APPLAUSE
0:21:08 > 0:21:12This week, the BBC responded to the Government's White Paper
0:21:12 > 0:21:15and has begun the process of removing any content
0:21:15 > 0:21:17that is regarded as pointless and...
0:21:17 > 0:21:21HIGH-PITCHED TONE
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Unbelievable.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32There's also been a row over recipes on the BBC website.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Sources at the BBC include...
0:21:34 > 0:21:36bolognese, carbonara...
0:21:38 > 0:21:39..and pesto.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Although I think he's just joined ITV.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45So on to round two, the Randomiser Of News.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51BUZZER
0:21:51 > 0:21:53This was the bomb hoax.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56They were doing an exercise for fake bombs
0:21:56 > 0:21:59and then they found it wasn't cleared away
0:21:59 > 0:22:02and then they blew it up, despite the fact that it had a sticker on it
0:22:02 > 0:22:04that said, "This is a fake bomb."
0:22:04 > 0:22:09But they blew it up just in case it was, like, a clever double bluff.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Cos that's what the Isis, they do that.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13They'll write, "This is fine,"
0:22:13 > 0:22:15and just leave it.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19- Yeah.- Looking at the picture there, though,
0:22:19 > 0:22:21it's quite surprising that nobody saw it earlier, isn't it?
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Yeah.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27And also, they were testing to see whether the sniffer dogs,
0:22:27 > 0:22:29you know, a test, and they didn't find it.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31So what does that tell us
0:22:31 > 0:22:34about how good the sniffer dogs are that they were using?
0:22:34 > 0:22:36But there wasn't any explosive in there,
0:22:36 > 0:22:37that's why they didn't find it.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Well, why did they hide it, then?
0:22:40 > 0:22:41I don't know.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44So they just hid a bomb that didn't have anything in it...
0:22:44 > 0:22:47It could have been just the organiser going to the toilet,
0:22:47 > 0:22:49putting it down...
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Yeah, that's true, we've all left a fake bomb in the toilet.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Security expert Christopher Reid
0:22:55 > 0:22:57had run a training exercise for sniffer dogs
0:22:57 > 0:23:00in which he hid 14 dummy bombs around Old Trafford.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02But when it came to collecting the bombs,
0:23:02 > 0:23:05it turns out Chris overlooked one crucial dummy.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Himself.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10He left his phone number on the bomb.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Would you be brave enough to ring that number, though?
0:23:12 > 0:23:14"Oh, here's this thing. It looks like a bomb.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16"Call this number. Oh..."
0:23:17 > 0:23:19It's like an Isis chatline.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24"Do you want to meet jihadis in your area?"
0:23:31 > 0:23:33How did the police deal with the bomb?
0:23:33 > 0:23:35They said the bomb was drunk and it was his own fault for being there.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Well, according to the Daily Mail, the bomb was dealt with...
0:23:43 > 0:23:46As opposed to the uncontrolled explosion, which took place
0:23:46 > 0:23:49when whoever found it opened the toilet door.
0:23:50 > 0:23:55Why was Moses Kamara particularly upset by the bomb scare?
0:23:55 > 0:23:59Because he travelled from Sierra Leone, or somewhere like that?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01He travelled from...
0:24:01 > 0:24:03- One of Manchester United's more local fans.- Yeah!
0:24:03 > 0:24:06And, yeah, he...
0:24:06 > 0:24:09So, yeah, he travelled for days to get there,
0:24:09 > 0:24:14and then he broke down and wept outside the stadium, and then
0:24:14 > 0:24:18some local fellas came along and said, "Let us take you in."
0:24:18 > 0:24:22And they put him in a small wicker basket and they put him
0:24:22 > 0:24:26on the Manchester Ship Canal...
0:24:27 > 0:24:29..and they floated him off.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31No, they, they...
0:24:31 > 0:24:33They...
0:24:33 > 0:24:34Um...
0:24:34 > 0:24:38APPLAUSE
0:24:38 > 0:24:40- Brilliant.- Is that the answer? - Brilliant.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Yes, he'd flown all the way from Sierra Leone to watch the match,
0:24:43 > 0:24:47obviously, you know, although other fans did chip in to allow him
0:24:47 > 0:24:50to stay longer for the rearranged game on Tuesday.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51In happier football news,
0:24:51 > 0:24:55why were 240,000 Leicester fans on the street this week?
0:24:56 > 0:25:00Cos homelessness in Leicester has gone through the roof.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07They're very happy.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10- Yes. Delirious.- Yeah, cos they won.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Mm. What did they win, Ian?
0:25:12 > 0:25:14- They won the thing. - What is "the thing" called?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17They won the Premiership. I know this, they won the...
0:25:17 > 0:25:19- Premier League.- You're not allowed to call it the Premiership.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Why aren't you allowed to call it the Premiership?
0:25:22 > 0:25:23Well, it was one of those branding things.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26- They changed it quite a few years ago.- Right. I see.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28And they get a bit upset if you call it the Premiership.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31And the "Premier-ship" is now called Sir David Attenborough.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39Yes, they were celebrating Leicester's extraordinary success.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41There was a performance, actually, from local band Kasabian,
0:25:41 > 0:25:44a gospel choir singing football songs and, of course,
0:25:44 > 0:25:46super fan Lee Jobber with his top off.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Oh, yeah.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53EVERYONE GROANS IN DISGUST
0:25:53 > 0:25:56I see he's mimicking the trophy from behind by the...
0:25:56 > 0:25:57bulges.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01They might get relegated next year. That'd be funny, wouldn't it?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Don't you have to present without your clothes on?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13- Erm, yeah. - Yeah, that's right.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15She's very keen.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18CHEERING AND WHOOPING
0:26:18 > 0:26:19But, yeah, I can't wait.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Why don't you ever just bet on things like,
0:26:22 > 0:26:24"I'll give you a fiver if..."?
0:26:24 > 0:26:27- But are you actually going to do it? - Yeah.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29- Well, you'll have to wait and see, won't you?- Here's an idea.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Why don't you get that fat bloke to stand in front of you?
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Perfect!
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Perfect!
0:26:38 > 0:26:40This is the fake bomb that caused a Premier League game
0:26:40 > 0:26:42at Old Trafford to be suspended.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46Thousands of disappointed Manchester United fans left Old Trafford
0:26:46 > 0:26:49without having seen their team play any football.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Again.
0:26:52 > 0:26:56The boss of the security firm responsible has had little sympathy
0:26:56 > 0:26:58for making such a glaring mistake.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Although he did receive one call of support
0:27:00 > 0:27:01from the former head of
0:27:01 > 0:27:05Listening Out For Drilling Noises At Hatton Garden.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Meanwhile, someone called Leicester
0:27:11 > 0:27:13were celebrating winning the Premier League
0:27:13 > 0:27:16with an open-top bus parade through the city.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18According to the Mirror, some Leicester fans were...
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Sadly, so were some Tottenham fans.
0:27:23 > 0:27:24AUDIENCE GROANS
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:27:26 > 0:27:27Here's the next one...
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Yeah, that was... That was a bit much.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34BUZZER
0:27:34 > 0:27:38This is students who, for health and safety reasons,
0:27:38 > 0:27:42aren't allowed to throw their mortarboards up into the air.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45And they are going to put them all in afterwards. You just act it out.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47You must have had it in your time.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49I bet you've had a spinning mortarboard flying towards you,
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Like a ninja throw star.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54If anyone ever dared do that,
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Ian's butler would have caught it straightaway.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59But it's a great bit where you throw it up in the air.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01- Is it? - Well, don't look at me like that.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03You know I've not been to university.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05That was horrible, the way you did that.
0:28:05 > 0:28:06"It's a great bit, Ross."
0:28:08 > 0:28:10"Did you throw your trunks in the air
0:28:10 > 0:28:13"when you got your five-metre swimming certificate?"
0:28:14 > 0:28:18- I... - APPLAUSE
0:28:18 > 0:28:20This is the news that students graduating
0:28:20 > 0:28:22from the University of East Anglia
0:28:22 > 0:28:24will no longer be able to throw their mortarboards
0:28:24 > 0:28:26in the air due to health and safety.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28How many people have been hit?
0:28:28 > 0:28:29- It can't have been many, can it?- No.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32And by that stage, you're not meant to be able to feel it.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38What did Louisa Baldwin, Student Law Society President,
0:28:38 > 0:28:40have to say about it all?
0:28:40 > 0:28:41- CHOKING:- I...
0:28:41 > 0:28:44I've got a mortarboard in my neck!
0:28:44 > 0:28:45It's in my neck! Pull it out!
0:28:47 > 0:28:51HE CHOKES
0:28:55 > 0:28:57It's like that, yeah?
0:29:01 > 0:29:03Close.
0:29:03 > 0:29:04She said...
0:29:10 > 0:29:12She added, "It's not worse than...
0:29:17 > 0:29:20Graduates have been told to mime a throwing action
0:29:20 > 0:29:23and the mortarboards will be photoshopped in later.
0:29:23 > 0:29:27According to The Times, they will be charged £8 for the service,
0:29:27 > 0:29:31angering students, who will now leave university
0:29:31 > 0:29:32with a debt of £40,008.
0:29:34 > 0:29:37There was also disappointment this week for West Ham fans,
0:29:37 > 0:29:39who have been told, from now on,
0:29:39 > 0:29:41just to mime a throwing action
0:29:41 > 0:29:44and the bottles will be photoshopped in later.
0:29:45 > 0:29:50Time now for the odd one out round, it's just one between you this week.
0:29:50 > 0:29:51Your four are -
0:29:51 > 0:29:53Leicester postman Lee Chapman,
0:29:53 > 0:29:55Guy Goma,
0:29:55 > 0:29:56Goat Man
0:29:56 > 0:29:58and Donald Trump.
0:29:58 > 0:29:59BUZZER
0:29:59 > 0:30:03Well, this is about lookalikes, because the first one, the postman,
0:30:03 > 0:30:07is a lookalike for Jamie Vardy and now, Guy, the top right, Guy,
0:30:07 > 0:30:09he was the bloke that was interviewed
0:30:09 > 0:30:11on the BBC by mistake, wasn't he?
0:30:11 > 0:30:14There was somebody else called Guy waiting in reception.
0:30:14 > 0:30:17- So, what was the third one? What was the goat?- Goat Man.
0:30:17 > 0:30:22- The worst superhero in the Marvel Universe.- Yes.
0:30:23 > 0:30:28"Somebody needs to climb that rock, and quickly!" Um...
0:30:28 > 0:30:30I don't know, Goat Man is the odd one out,
0:30:30 > 0:30:33- because there is only one Goat Man? - No.- OK, it's Guy.
0:30:33 > 0:30:37- He is the odd one out.- Why?- Because he wasn't deliberately doing it.
0:30:37 > 0:30:39Yes, they all pretended to be something that they are not,
0:30:39 > 0:30:42except Guy Goma, who was mistaken for a technology
0:30:42 > 0:30:45expert on the BBC News Channel ten years ago this week.
0:30:45 > 0:30:50- And you clearly want to see the Guy Goma...?- Yeah.- So, here it is.
0:30:50 > 0:30:52So, what does this all mean for the industry
0:30:52 > 0:30:55and the growth of music online? Well, Guy Kewney is the editor
0:30:55 > 0:30:58of the technology website News Wireless.
0:30:58 > 0:31:00- Hello, good morning to you. - Good morning.
0:31:00 > 0:31:03Were you surprised by this verdict today?
0:31:03 > 0:31:07I'm very surprised to see this verdict to come on me,
0:31:07 > 0:31:10because I wasn't expecting that.
0:31:10 > 0:31:13When I came, they told me something else, and I'm coming,
0:31:13 > 0:31:17"You've got an interview," so it is a very big surprise anyway.
0:31:17 > 0:31:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:31:24 > 0:31:25According to Wikipedia...
0:31:33 > 0:31:36But News International said they could use him.
0:31:36 > 0:31:40Donald Trump recently tried to deny the suggestion that he once
0:31:40 > 0:31:43pretended to be his own PR man.
0:31:43 > 0:31:45How was he trying to boost his own image?
0:31:45 > 0:31:48He was ringing people up and putting on a silly voice.
0:31:48 > 0:31:53- Or another silly voice! And saying, "The Trump is great."- Fantastic.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55Yeah, no, I think that's true, isn't it?
0:31:55 > 0:31:58Talking about him as though he was a great womaniser, I think, was the...
0:31:58 > 0:32:01- Oh, right!- Well, according to what I have here.
0:32:01 > 0:32:04It says, going under the name John Miller in a phone conversation
0:32:04 > 0:32:08with a journalist in 1991, he claimed that his boss, Donald Trump,
0:32:08 > 0:32:12was "irresistible to women", including the model Carla Bruni.
0:32:12 > 0:32:14What did Donald Trump say last week
0:32:14 > 0:32:18when the tape of the telephone interview resurfaced?
0:32:18 > 0:32:22- He just denied it again. - Yeah, pretty much. He said...
0:32:28 > 0:32:30Which is interesting, because in back 1991,
0:32:30 > 0:32:32he called up the journalist and said...
0:32:35 > 0:32:38Which would make a good slogan for his election campaign.
0:32:43 > 0:32:47What made designer and artist Thomas Thwaites want to turn himself
0:32:47 > 0:32:52- into a goat?- A desire to communicate with the god Pan.
0:32:52 > 0:32:56Who would appear in goat form.
0:32:56 > 0:32:58He was feeling a bit fed up and thought,
0:32:58 > 0:33:00wouldn't it be nice to be an animal for a bit?
0:33:00 > 0:33:02According to the Sunday Times...
0:33:15 > 0:33:18Can you just walk into the Wellcome Trust any day of the week
0:33:18 > 0:33:21and just take a sack with you?
0:33:23 > 0:33:24- Fill it up with cash!- Yeah.
0:33:24 > 0:33:26That's why they're called the Wellcome Trust!
0:33:26 > 0:33:29They used to be called the You've Seen Us Coming Trust.
0:33:30 > 0:33:35Do you want to see how convincing he was as a goat? Well, here he is.
0:33:38 > 0:33:42The book, Goat Man, is now available priced £14.99.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45It's been given a glowing review by one goat,
0:33:45 > 0:33:48who described it as delicious.
0:33:50 > 0:33:54For a while, Goat Man was on Twitter under the username @BillyGoat,
0:33:54 > 0:33:57but gave up after a nasty experience with a troll.
0:33:57 > 0:33:59AUDIENCE GROAN
0:33:59 > 0:34:02What made Lee Chapman think he was a good lookalike for Jamie Vardy?
0:34:02 > 0:34:04- Jamie Vardy is a Leicester player, Ian.- Yes.
0:34:04 > 0:34:07- Scored lots of goals this season. - Yeah, yeah.
0:34:07 > 0:34:10- Just to let you know that. - And he looks just like him.- He does.
0:34:10 > 0:34:12I imagine, because he is a postman, people are always saying,
0:34:12 > 0:34:14"Oh, you look just like Jamie Vardy."
0:34:14 > 0:34:17- That's how these lookalikes usually start.- That's exactly what it is.
0:34:17 > 0:34:21He was making deliveries as a postman and local kids were shouting,
0:34:21 > 0:34:23"You look like Jamie Vardy!" Exactly right.
0:34:23 > 0:34:26Lee Chapman is now available for appearances as Jamie Vardy,
0:34:26 > 0:34:28and if you want to pay cash,
0:34:28 > 0:34:31just put the money in a birthday card addressed to someone else.
0:34:31 > 0:34:35How else are Leicester fans capitalising on their team's victory?
0:34:35 > 0:34:40Well, some fans actually are selling jars of Leicester City air.
0:34:40 > 0:34:42They... ROSS CACKLES
0:34:42 > 0:34:45- Sorry, I'm not...- It's going well.
0:34:45 > 0:34:48They just opened the lid in the ground and closed it again,
0:34:48 > 0:34:50but it was still a better atmosphere than you get at Arsenal.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53AUDIENCE GROAN
0:34:56 > 0:34:59Time now for the missing words round, which this week features,
0:34:59 > 0:35:02as its guest publication, Village People.
0:35:02 > 0:35:05The Village People magazine advertises places
0:35:05 > 0:35:07to holiday in Norfolk,
0:35:07 > 0:35:09although don't believe them when they say
0:35:09 > 0:35:10that it's fun to stay at the YMCA.
0:35:12 > 0:35:13And we start with...
0:35:15 > 0:35:17Dick.
0:35:17 > 0:35:19What?
0:35:19 > 0:35:22It's one of those recipes.
0:35:22 > 0:35:23Queen...
0:35:23 > 0:35:25I think you ought to clear that one up.
0:35:26 > 0:35:30You're not talking about Princess Margaret here, you know.
0:35:30 > 0:35:32That's the knighthood gone, Hislop.
0:35:32 > 0:35:33Phew. Erm...
0:35:33 > 0:35:37Is it - "Queen spotted in the same way as a leopard"?
0:35:37 > 0:35:39Yeah.
0:35:39 > 0:35:42"Nice top."
0:35:42 > 0:35:44Yes, "Queen spotted in nice top"!
0:35:44 > 0:35:47- That's a good news story(!) - Is the wrong answer.
0:35:47 > 0:35:50The answer is - "Queen was spotted in a puddle in Wales".
0:35:50 > 0:35:54A care-worker, Linda Hough, was putting out the washing
0:35:54 > 0:35:57when she spotted a perfect outline of the Queen's head
0:35:57 > 0:35:58in a damp patch on the floor.
0:36:01 > 0:36:03Her head appears to be on a stake.
0:36:03 > 0:36:05Yes.
0:36:06 > 0:36:09- It's a rather Republican puddle. - Yes.
0:36:09 > 0:36:11Next...
0:36:13 > 0:36:15"A guillotine."
0:36:22 > 0:36:24No-one spots the dandruff,
0:36:24 > 0:36:27because everyone is thinking you've been shat on by a seagull.
0:36:28 > 0:36:30Next...
0:36:34 > 0:36:35"Incest."
0:36:40 > 0:36:42- Dance around a bit? ALL:- Morris dancing!
0:36:42 > 0:36:43Morris dancing.
0:36:43 > 0:36:48Well, after we've had incest, it's got to be, hasn't it?
0:36:48 > 0:36:50This is an article from Village People
0:36:50 > 0:36:53on the Golden Star morris dancing troupe.
0:36:53 > 0:36:55The worry is, if we got rid of morris dancing,
0:36:55 > 0:36:58we would lose one of the country's most popular pastimes -
0:36:58 > 0:37:00laughing at morris dancers.
0:37:00 > 0:37:02Next...
0:37:04 > 0:37:07"Old Stinker is the most popular aftershave."
0:37:11 > 0:37:16"Old Stinker is the luckiest Labrador...in Hull."
0:37:16 > 0:37:19- Nope.- No?- But you're getting closer, a lot closer.
0:37:19 > 0:37:23"Old Stinker is the unluckiest Labrador in Hull."
0:37:26 > 0:37:30Recent sightings of a werewolf in Hull...
0:37:30 > 0:37:32HE LAUGHS
0:37:32 > 0:37:33How did you not know that?
0:37:33 > 0:37:37..have been put down to fabrication.
0:37:37 > 0:37:41Recent sightings of a werewolf in Hull are thought to be a mythical
0:37:41 > 0:37:44local beast known as Old Stinker.
0:37:44 > 0:37:49It's going to be a great film, though - American Werewolf In Hull.
0:37:50 > 0:37:53"What have you done with your waistcoat?
0:37:53 > 0:37:56"It's all ripped down the back, Arnold.
0:37:56 > 0:37:58"I don't know.
0:37:58 > 0:38:02"Every time there's a full moon, I've got to buy you a new jacket."
0:38:02 > 0:38:03Next...
0:38:05 > 0:38:08"You can spot a Norfolk village anywhere...
0:38:08 > 0:38:09"in Norfolk."
0:38:10 > 0:38:13- "Turkey."- "Turkey."- Oh...
0:38:13 > 0:38:14No.
0:38:15 > 0:38:17Oh, that was...
0:38:20 > 0:38:22This is an article from Village People about the unique
0:38:22 > 0:38:25characteristics of local clocks.
0:38:25 > 0:38:27Norfolk clocks are easy to identify,
0:38:27 > 0:38:29as their hands have an extra finger.
0:38:38 > 0:38:39Next...
0:38:44 > 0:38:46"Fake passport."
0:38:47 > 0:38:50It's actually something really boring, like what they eat.
0:38:50 > 0:38:51It's just food.
0:38:51 > 0:38:53Raw eggs.
0:38:53 > 0:38:54Raw eggs, well done.
0:38:55 > 0:38:58This is 116-year-old Italian Emma Morano,
0:38:58 > 0:39:01who is now the oldest person on Earth.
0:39:01 > 0:39:03When it comes to how many eggs she's eaten,
0:39:03 > 0:39:05you really can't hold a candle to her,
0:39:05 > 0:39:07because she'll take out half of Italy.
0:39:07 > 0:39:09Next...
0:39:12 > 0:39:14"Is the new internet sensation."
0:39:14 > 0:39:16That's always the answer when you don't know.
0:39:16 > 0:39:18Quite close. Yes, the answer...
0:39:20 > 0:39:23Owner Agata Nowacka found particular success
0:39:23 > 0:39:27taking pictures of Ludwik with random fruit and vegetables.
0:39:27 > 0:39:29Here he is with an apple.
0:39:30 > 0:39:31Here he is with a melon.
0:39:33 > 0:39:36And here is Ludwik with a corn on the cob.
0:39:36 > 0:39:40Did you say 57,000 people?!
0:39:42 > 0:39:43And finally...
0:39:47 > 0:39:48"Give your their password."
0:39:48 > 0:39:50- Spot on.- Yeah.
0:39:50 > 0:39:53Study finds people will reveal their password for chocolate.
0:39:53 > 0:39:56- What?- What?
0:39:56 > 0:39:57It's not me.
0:39:59 > 0:40:01Imagine what they'll do for crisps.
0:40:07 > 0:40:09So the final scores are -
0:40:09 > 0:40:11Ian and Ross have nine points
0:40:11 > 0:40:14and Paul and Samira have three points.
0:40:14 > 0:40:16It's all right. Don't worry.
0:40:19 > 0:40:24But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:40:24 > 0:40:27I think the guy on the left there is just going,
0:40:27 > 0:40:30"And I've got a secret lady's leg that comes out the side."
0:40:34 > 0:40:36You know, for catching the shoplifters
0:40:36 > 0:40:38that can run really fast.
0:40:38 > 0:40:41They're not very good policemen, actually, because,
0:40:41 > 0:40:43as you pointed out, that guy on the left with the leg coming out,
0:40:43 > 0:40:46he's got a burglar standing right behind him...
0:40:47 > 0:40:49..who couldn't make it more obvious.
0:40:49 > 0:40:51He's wearing the traditional striped...
0:40:51 > 0:40:53He's either that or French.
0:40:53 > 0:40:55Either way, it's worth arresting him and finding out.
0:40:55 > 0:40:57That's what I say.
0:40:57 > 0:41:00And I'll leave you with news that, at an optician's in Bromley,
0:41:00 > 0:41:03one customer is delighted that, for the first time ever,
0:41:03 > 0:41:05he'll finally be able to see the postman.
0:41:10 > 0:41:14At Watford Arts Centre, the news that no-one has bought any tickets
0:41:14 > 0:41:17is finally broken to the star of Dumbo: The Ballet.
0:41:18 > 0:41:20- AUDIENCE:- Aw!
0:41:22 > 0:41:25And as speculation continues over TV football presenters
0:41:25 > 0:41:29appearing in just their underwear, Jose Mourinho joins the debate.
0:41:34 > 0:41:35Goodnight!