0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43I'm Katherine Ryan.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46In the news this week, there's a product recall from Cow & Gate
0:00:46 > 0:00:50after evidence emerges that their rusks may contain steroids.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56SCREAMS
0:00:57 > 0:01:00On Newsnight, journalist John Sweeney delivers a report
0:01:00 > 0:01:04on BBC cuts without realising that he himself has just been sacked.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09NO SOUND
0:01:13 > 0:01:16And intense training begins for those police officers
0:01:16 > 0:01:18who are going to be on duty at this year's Notting Hill Carnival.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who is currently
0:01:31 > 0:01:35in a Sky 1 comedy about a dead-end non-league football team.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38It's tough, week after week, going out to a tiny crowd,
0:01:38 > 0:01:40but that's Sky 1 for you.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Please welcome Joe Wilkinson.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:47 > 0:01:50And with Paul tonight is a writer and broadcaster
0:01:50 > 0:01:53who recently wrote a book called The Seven Secrets Of Happiness.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Number five is, "Don't get stuck in a lift with Gyles Brandreth."
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Please welcome Gyles Brandreth.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01APPLAUSE
0:02:04 > 0:02:07And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Paul and Gyles, take a look at this.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Yes, The Beatles getting back together.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13There's only two of them left, unfortunately.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- I don't know what that is. A U-turn? - No, it's going to be Boris.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Oh, yes, doing a try-out for Top Gear.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20It's gone very black-and-white.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23And that's the new Top Gear season starting off,
0:02:23 > 0:02:25they're test-driving the new Ford Shed.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28It's about the European Union referendum.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32The first figures were the Prime Minister David Cameron,
0:02:32 > 0:02:35a little bit of a faux pas there, because, of course, he favours
0:02:35 > 0:02:39remaining, whereas, he's walking along Abbey Road, I think, and
0:02:39 > 0:02:44all The Beatles great hits were made before we joined the European Union.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Is that the definitive argument now?
0:02:47 > 0:02:51The definitive argument is where's your coin? Let's toss it.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54That's what I shall be doing, but the way it's going, basically...
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- So, you're saying it's a bunch of tossers, basically.- Indeed.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01I fear nobody knows which way it is going to go
0:03:01 > 0:03:04and nobody knows quite which way it should go.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08All we do know is that it will mean the end of the world.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11We're inviting Armageddon, then?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13If we vote exit, apparently, everything,
0:03:13 > 0:03:15- EVERYTHING will collapse.- Yeah.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19Already Barbara Windsor has committed suicide on EastEnders
0:03:19 > 0:03:22in anticipation of Brexit.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Our houses will be worthless, there will be a Third World War,
0:03:25 > 0:03:28it's going to be appalling, so totally appalling,
0:03:28 > 0:03:30but of course, if we say "in",
0:03:30 > 0:03:34we will then be overwhelmed by 200 million people a week...
0:03:36 > 0:03:38..arriving on our shores.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42- Most of them apparently from Turkey, but not delightful.- Yep.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47I'm amazed you're not the spokesman for both sides.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49I feel in a way that I am.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53I'm ready to be because the truth is, I know that we don't know
0:03:53 > 0:03:57- because I have been there before. - What, you've been a Tory MP?
0:03:57 > 0:04:01- Yes.- And you know they know nothing. - Can I say...?
0:04:01 > 0:04:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:02 > 0:04:04The truth is...
0:04:08 > 0:04:12Obviously I knew I had contempt for my constituents...
0:04:13 > 0:04:17..but it came as a shock to find the feeling's entirely mutual.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20But the truth is, nobody knows anything.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23And I do remember, 20 years ago, we went through all of this
0:04:23 > 0:04:26and I was actually in the Treasury on the day we came out of the ERM.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30Standing at the back of the crowd with the present Prime Minister,
0:04:30 > 0:04:31David Cameron, we were office juniors.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35And at the beginning of the day, there was this thing called the Exchange Rate Mechanism.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37It was all part of joining the single currency.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40We were all in favour of it, or we were against it.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43It's all right, it's not The One Show, you can use some bigger words.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49Don't interrupt Gyles while he's doing his one-man show.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I nearly missed it, I took a while to park the car. Off you go.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58- I'm giving a bit of substance here. - Got it.- That's it.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01What type of substance is it?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03- Don't worry... - And can everyone have some?
0:05:03 > 0:05:08Rest assured, I am on drugs but they are Class A, I am a Conservative.
0:05:11 > 0:05:1320 years ago, we were in this thing called the...
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Even your drug-taking is elite. It has to be Class A.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Absolutely. It does.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19There's no point in being posh
0:05:19 > 0:05:21unless you can have Class A drugs. OK.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- The point of the story is this. - Yes.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29The Exchange Rate Mechanism, we're in it, but do we want to be in it?
0:05:29 > 0:05:3120 years ago, we go into the office one day
0:05:31 > 0:05:34and the markets seem to think we don't want to be in it.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Well, as the day goes on, we find the markets are against us.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39We put up interest rates from 9% to 10%,
0:05:39 > 0:05:4211% to 12%, 13% up to 15. Nothing is happening.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44We're banging the top of the screen.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46The point is, at the beginning of the day we didn't...
0:05:47 > 0:05:51- I can't stand the tension! - APPLAUSE
0:05:51 > 0:05:53What happens? What happens at the end of the day, Gyles?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55The point is, at the beginning of the day
0:05:55 > 0:05:57- we didn't know what was going to happen.- No.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00- While it was happening, we didn't know what was happening.- No.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03And when it had happened, we didn't know what had happened.
0:06:03 > 0:06:04APPLAUSE
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Yeah.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11A bit of bad news. They've just had the referendum.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13How did it go? Who won?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Yes, this is the disappointing news
0:06:17 > 0:06:20that according to both the Leave and Remain camps,
0:06:20 > 0:06:23if we vote against them in the EU referendum,
0:06:23 > 0:06:25the world will go to hell in a handcart.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29Now, what were David Cameron and George Osborne doing at B&Q?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32This is something about DIY. People doing little jobs around the house
0:06:32 > 0:06:34and we'd not be able to do it if we leave Europe.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36All the hammers will have to be handed back.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40And the alphabet we have known for 1,000 years will lose the letters
0:06:40 > 0:06:43B and Q, this is the kind of effect that Brexit will have.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Everything is going up the spout.
0:06:45 > 0:06:46Imagine the difficulty for them,
0:06:46 > 0:06:49cos they can't sell barbecues any more.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51I think it's worse than that, it was a metaphor.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- They said this is a DIY recession. - Oh, yes.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58We'll inflict it. So you do a picture with DIY.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00And everyone goes, "Oh, that's very annoying."
0:07:02 > 0:07:04But that's it. It's recession,
0:07:04 > 0:07:08it's 800,000 jobs going, your house will be worth less.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10The odd thing about that is, all around the country,
0:07:10 > 0:07:13young people are thinking, "Oh, good, a collapse in house prices.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15"Yes! We're going to vote Brexit!"
0:07:15 > 0:07:19It's the first time they've actually twigged where the young vote goes.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Cameron and Osborne drew a small crowd at B&Q,
0:07:22 > 0:07:23but for context, there were
0:07:23 > 0:07:27three times as many people in the next aisle staring at plasterboard.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31What were David Cameron and George Osborne basing
0:07:31 > 0:07:33their warning of the recession on?
0:07:33 > 0:07:39It was an independent Treasury report commissioned by David Cameron
0:07:39 > 0:07:44and George Osborne, with the brief - scare the hell out of everybody.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46And it was a set of figures they'd put together,
0:07:46 > 0:07:49which, nearly everyone has said, are probably not true.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52The statistics from the Institute of Fiscal Studies,
0:07:52 > 0:07:54or whatever it was, the one that came out this week,
0:07:54 > 0:07:57it then turned out that this same institute was receiving
0:07:57 > 0:08:00- several million a year from the European Union.- Yes.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02So the trouble is, we can't really trust anybody
0:08:02 > 0:08:05because the hyperbole has become hysterical.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08And they all quote, they say, "Well, there's the IMF
0:08:08 > 0:08:10"and then there's the World Bank and there's the EU,
0:08:10 > 0:08:14"all these people have said stay in," but all those people said,
0:08:14 > 0:08:18"Um, there's no trouble with the financial system, it's fine."
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Speculating on Brexit, Bank of England boss
0:08:20 > 0:08:23and fellow Canadian Mark Carney said...
0:08:30 > 0:08:33And they say Canadians are boring.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38- I've got an idea.- Yep.- Mm-hm. - But it's only an idea.
0:08:39 > 0:08:44Why don't we try leaving the EU.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48If it doesn't work, come back, apologise...
0:08:48 > 0:08:53say sorry you left, give them a box of Terry's All Golds,
0:08:53 > 0:08:55because that always works when I cock up.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01Like, the other day, rather than take the food out the sink,
0:09:01 > 0:09:06I pushed it down the plughole with my finger and it blocked
0:09:06 > 0:09:12the sink and my missus was furious, so I bought her a Chocolate Orange.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14Sorted.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22It makes about as much sense as what most people have been saying.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23- JOE:- Thank you.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26- GYLES:- But actually, what you've just described could well happen.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29If we did come out, we might well be going back a little while later.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31It's the sort of hokey cokey approach to politics.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34The theory is that we won't be able to come back again.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38That's the theory, but who knows? Nobody knows. Nobody knows.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41When I was a politician, I used to agree with the last person I'd met.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46And that always, I found, was the way forward
0:09:46 > 0:09:49and there was a referendum before, before you were even born.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52In 1975 and our leader then was a man called Edward Heath.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54"Buh! Buh!"
0:09:57 > 0:09:59He was the last person I met that time.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01- So you agreed with him that time? - I agreed with him this time.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05- Mrs Thatcher at that time said we must go in.- Yes. Nobody knows anything,
0:10:05 > 0:10:09- even Mrs Thatcher.- Gyles, this is blasphemy.- I know, it is.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14How is Britain Stronger In Europe campaign
0:10:14 > 0:10:16hoping to appeal to young people?
0:10:16 > 0:10:17Robotics.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23They've got a poster. I saw it and thought it was brilliant.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26It says, "Tourin', hangin', chillin', votin'."
0:10:26 > 0:10:28LAUGHTER
0:10:31 > 0:10:33I hope that laughter's at the poster.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38I think you're appealing to young people right now.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40It's not just a poster,
0:10:40 > 0:10:42they've produced a video using language
0:10:42 > 0:10:44they believe young people will understand,
0:10:44 > 0:10:47specifically they've removed the G from a few words.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Let's see it.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54LAUGHTER
0:11:07 > 0:11:11- "Spellin'" should have been one of the words that came up.- Yeah.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14- Spellin'!- We don't just lose B&Q, we lose G as well.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16The whole thing's a nightmare.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Ian, the question I'm most interested in -
0:11:19 > 0:11:22"chillin', roamin', ravin', movin'" -
0:11:22 > 0:11:26present participle or gerund?
0:11:26 > 0:11:30- Gerund? Interesting - depends how you use it, I think.- So what...?
0:11:30 > 0:11:31Just on its own.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35A gerund is a three-wheeled vehicle that was very popular
0:11:35 > 0:11:37before the invention of horses.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40What's happening?
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Why are we talking in a different language?
0:11:46 > 0:11:50In grammar terms, we're parsin'.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52What's happening, seriously?
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Meanwhile, over in the Brexit camp,
0:11:55 > 0:11:58how are their efforts to woo young voters going?
0:11:58 > 0:12:00It's with a pop concert, isn't it?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02They tried to start a pop concert,
0:12:02 > 0:12:05but even the 52-year-old boyband 5ive...
0:12:07 > 0:12:08..didn't want to do it
0:12:08 > 0:12:11and if they're not doing it, something's going wrong.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12They mainly do village fetes.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15I'm glad boybands are pulling out.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17One Direction could learn a lot from that.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22So have they got no young people to play?
0:12:22 > 0:12:26Well, they've got Nigel Farage, who does a sideline as a techno DJ.
0:12:27 > 0:12:32- Under what name? - It's called "Farage music".- Farage!
0:12:32 > 0:12:34APPLAUSE
0:12:34 > 0:12:35Oh, great!
0:12:38 > 0:12:40A pro-Brexit concert has been organised, at which
0:12:40 > 0:12:43East 17 were due to perform.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45There's only one thing you need to know about East 17
0:12:45 > 0:12:48and that's that singer Brian Harvey once managed
0:12:48 > 0:12:51to fall out of his own car and run himself over.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Not even the EU have got a rule to stop you doing that.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Well, they've not given up.
0:12:59 > 0:13:00According to the papers,
0:13:00 > 0:13:04they're still trying to book Brexity-type acts,
0:13:04 > 0:13:06which is an adjective now, apparently, Brexity.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08What does that look like?
0:13:08 > 0:13:11This is a poster by the group Operation Black Vote, which
0:13:11 > 0:13:14seems to think Brexity looks like the guy on the right.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19- That was a mistake really, wasn't it?- Yeah.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23To be fair, some people do look like that, like Nazis and Evan Davis.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Like people...
0:13:26 > 0:13:30- Oh, poor old Evan.- Well, he's got a handsome-shaped head.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33If you go back to the wide shot, you see that both of them
0:13:33 > 0:13:36have their feet off the ground, which is impossible.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42- What's she wearing that's heavier than him?- She's levitating.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45What did Boris Johnson get wind of while making a speech in York?
0:13:45 > 0:13:47- Oh, wind.- Mm-hm.
0:13:49 > 0:13:54Is it anything to do with the Jorvik Viking Centre?
0:13:54 > 0:13:55You know what, Joe...
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Cos I've got a lot of stuff about Yorkshire Vikings.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01- I like you, so I'm going to say yes. - Half a point, yes!
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Boris heard that someone in the crowd was going to throw an egg.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06- Oh, yes.- Here he is.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08I was told there was a gentleman who had an egg
0:14:08 > 0:14:11he was going to throw at me. Can you believe that? There he is.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13There's the man with the egg.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Now, there are people hungry in this country, my friend.
0:14:15 > 0:14:20- Don't waste that egg. - CHEERING
0:14:21 > 0:14:24And here's what the owner of the egg had to say.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Today was a protest against
0:14:27 > 0:14:29the Conservative party.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32It was nothing to do with vote Leave or the EU.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35It's against, erm...
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Makes me look like I know what I'm talking about.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48His ambition took him as far as having an egg with him.
0:14:48 > 0:14:49He hadn't seen further than that.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Next year, he'll move a bit further on.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55He looks like the kind of man who carries an egg on him at all times.
0:14:55 > 0:15:00- What did Nigel Farage get on top of this week?- Oh!
0:15:00 > 0:15:02- Who was he on top of? - Who did Nigel...
0:15:02 > 0:15:04- WHAT did Nigel Farage get on top of?- On that bus.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06On top of his bus.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08- On top of his drinking habits.- No.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10On top of his bus?
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Yes, he launched UKIP's open-top bus, which will tour Britain
0:15:13 > 0:15:17prior to the vote on the 23rd and as a writer Simon Blackwell tweeted,
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Nigel Farage's launch lead to "incredible scenes."
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Oh, bless him!
0:15:26 > 0:15:29And let's see how that open-top bus tour is going.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Ah! Only in UKIP.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34- Only in UKIP. - NIGEL LAUGHS
0:15:37 > 0:15:38Wonderful.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44Given that people have known this campaign was coming for years,
0:15:44 > 0:15:46you would've thought that both sides would've got
0:15:46 > 0:15:48their arguments better lined up
0:15:48 > 0:15:51and would have more effective advertising than they have.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53I don't feel like I have seen a coherent argument from anyone.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56- You haven't.- I'm really confused.- You should be.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57What should I do, Gyles?
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Go back to Canada and...
0:15:59 > 0:16:00LAUGHTER
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Because we will all be joining you,
0:16:06 > 0:16:10because we'll be forced out of our country by the tens of millions,
0:16:10 > 0:16:13the hundreds of millions who are going to arrive here any minute,
0:16:13 > 0:16:15the moment the borders come down.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18We'll be travellin', escapin', roamin'.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Please don't come to Canada. With Trump, we already have
0:16:21 > 0:16:25Americans threatening to come in and we've got to now build a wall.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Americans are not as physically fit as Mexicans,
0:16:28 > 0:16:30it won't have to be a high wall, just a little...
0:16:30 > 0:16:31LAUGHTER
0:16:35 > 0:16:37A speed bump should do it.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Ian and Joe, take a look at this.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Um, that's, er, that's a woman.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50I think that's the same woman, yeah. That's her again.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53- But different hair, though. - Different hair, yeah.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Quite a big - can I say that - big bum?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59There's her fella she's with. Nice fella.
0:17:01 > 0:17:02Did I get it right?
0:17:04 > 0:17:09- Was this one of the bigger stories of the week?- What is the story?
0:17:09 > 0:17:12- JOE:- Kimberly Kardashian. - GYLES:- That's it.
0:17:12 > 0:17:13She's in London, and I know this
0:17:13 > 0:17:15cos my missus was telling me about her
0:17:15 > 0:17:19and I feel bad for the girl, cos I shouldn't really be making fun
0:17:19 > 0:17:21of her, cos I just found out she hasn't got a job...
0:17:23 > 0:17:26And you know how hard it is when you're unemployed, erm,
0:17:26 > 0:17:28and if she's watching,
0:17:28 > 0:17:30I've got a mate who works in a Bovril factory
0:17:30 > 0:17:33and he says there's work going, so just give us a bell,
0:17:33 > 0:17:35might be able to sort something out.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39And it's cash in hand, so you can still sign on.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44So, what is the story about these people?
0:17:44 > 0:17:48The rumour is that she is going to be Donald Trump's running mate.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52- Whoo!- It's hot. It's a hot story...
0:17:52 > 0:17:55So it's hot because you've just made it up.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57- It's fresh.- It's fresh, it's new-minted.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- You're right, it's that hot. It is that hot.- It's very hot.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02It did just come to me that...
0:18:02 > 0:18:05But don't you think it's marvellous casting?
0:18:05 > 0:18:07So if her and Donald Trump were together and somebody says,
0:18:07 > 0:18:10"What an arse!" we don't know which one they're talking about.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12APPLAUSE
0:18:16 > 0:18:19"Trump and the rump!" - you can see the posters.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21- You can see the posters, you can.- You can.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22There's another possibility.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26They have been offered a vast sum of money for a major motion picture,
0:18:26 > 0:18:31- with Meryl Streep playing all the women in the family...- Whoa!
0:18:31 > 0:18:35..and Bruce Jenner and Caitlyn as well.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37It's going to be the Kardashians with Meryl Streep
0:18:37 > 0:18:39and a little bit part for Hugh Grant.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44- Is that actually going to happen? - Yeah.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47There's already a TV series at the minute, which just
0:18:47 > 0:18:49finished on BBC Two and that is the trial...
0:18:49 > 0:18:51What, with them in it?
0:18:51 > 0:18:52..of OJ Simpson.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56Well, Kim Kardashian's father was one of the men responsible
0:18:56 > 0:18:59for getting OJ off and then he died of karma, I mean cancer and then...
0:18:59 > 0:19:02APPLAUSE
0:19:02 > 0:19:03And then...
0:19:04 > 0:19:07This is the massive mainstream news that Kim Kardashian
0:19:07 > 0:19:11actually came to London this week. Why was she here?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Is that difficult, coming to London?
0:19:13 > 0:19:16They've got a lot of wide-bodied jets these days.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18There's no problem getting across the Atlantic on a plane.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22It's a fascinating family, I find the whole thing completely gripping.
0:19:22 > 0:19:23Why is it so exciting?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Cos we have nothing like it in our society.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27The nearest we get to the Kardashians
0:19:27 > 0:19:29is the Krankies, a Scottish...
0:19:29 > 0:19:33- You won't know them. It's a Scottish family...- I know the Krankies!
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- You know the Krankies?- Why do you talk to me like I was just born?
0:19:36 > 0:19:39- I've lived here for ten years.- Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't realise that.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- It's all right. I like it, kind of.- Good, well, we love...
0:19:44 > 0:19:47We're very, very happy to have you and I'm sure the Brexiteers
0:19:47 > 0:19:49and the Remain people will make exceptions in your case.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Yes.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54- As I'm an Irish citizen. Go on. - You're an Irish citizen?- I am.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57But it's for another day, Gyles. We'll have lunch.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Now I've heard that...
0:20:00 > 0:20:03You don't know what you're saying, you've no idea.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06The trap opens up and the poor innocent walks in.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09I promise this has a political angle.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13How did Labour's Harriet Harman get behind Kim Kardashian?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Which is an excellent hiding place, by the way.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21She, um, presumably said that Kim Kardashian was a role model
0:20:21 > 0:20:25and a marvellous figure and we should learn a great deal from her.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27It's usually what politicians say
0:20:27 > 0:20:29when they're asked about someone they've never heard of.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Yes, Harriet Harman called Kim Kardashian...
0:20:33 > 0:20:35..like Malala, but with a sex tape.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38LAUGHTER AND GASPS
0:20:39 > 0:20:44She didn't object to Kim putting out into the ether
0:20:44 > 0:20:48selfies of herself slightly scantily-clad, even though
0:20:48 > 0:20:53Harriet in her time has not liked pictures that objectify women.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05To which a viewer called Sarika responded...
0:21:15 > 0:21:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Here's Kim Kardashian's most recent breaking of the internet.
0:21:26 > 0:21:27What do you think, Ian?
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Erm...
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Is that what they call a sex tape?
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- This is just a selfie.- Stripped across.- She's got a lovely bathroom.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44- I'm intrigued by the bathroom equipment.- Beautiful bathroom.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45We're getting a new bath.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48We've got a lot of advertisements for these baths at home now,
0:21:48 > 0:21:51but perched on the edge of the bath in the advertisements
0:21:51 > 0:21:53we're looking at is not a lady looking like this.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57- They're rather ladies of riper years wearing a full bathing suit.- Cool.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00And there's a little door in the side of the bath as well.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02I never worked out how that works.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05How do you make the water stay in once you've opened the door?
0:22:05 > 0:22:08It's a nightmare, because we had ours installed -
0:22:08 > 0:22:10lovely avocado colour, looks really good.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Gushing water all piped in, fills it up, you're absolutely right,
0:22:13 > 0:22:16open the little door on the side and whoosh!
0:22:16 > 0:22:20That's why you have to wear the bathing costume I suppose, so you can swim out of the bathroom.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Suddenly find yourself hurtling down the stairs clutching a loofah.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25It's very dangerous that young girls might see this photo
0:22:25 > 0:22:28and follow suit, like I did in my own bathroom.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32- GYLES:- You've got a bidet.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:37 > 0:22:40You know, after the referendum - bidet is a continental thing -
0:22:40 > 0:22:42they'll be out. Out!
0:22:42 > 0:22:45I thought it was a drinking fountain.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Ian, I feel like I haven't given you enough opportunity
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- to show your knowledge on the Kardashian family.- No.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55So I will give you a point for every Kardashian sister you can name.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Let's just move on.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04I didn't actually know she had sisters.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09I'm just getting over the fact that Kanye West isn't a constituency.
0:23:11 > 0:23:12APPLAUSE
0:23:17 > 0:23:18You could have had...
0:23:20 > 0:23:23All spelt with a K, yes. It's exciting.
0:23:24 > 0:23:28- And do they have children that start with a K?- No! Kourtney...
0:23:28 > 0:23:30All right. Kourtney...
0:23:30 > 0:23:32LAUGHTER
0:23:32 > 0:23:36There's a child they're all very fond of, who they call Special K...
0:23:37 > 0:23:40..comes through, "How are you?"
0:23:42 > 0:23:44You know what, it's a dynasty and it's kind of worth
0:23:44 > 0:23:47learning about. I think they've earned their place at this point.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50No, what the fuck do they do?!
0:23:50 > 0:23:53How have they earnt their place?!
0:23:53 > 0:23:55What do they do?
0:23:55 > 0:23:57APPLAUSE
0:23:57 > 0:24:00In other femi-news, where did women narrowly fail
0:24:00 > 0:24:01to break down a sexist barrier?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03- Oh, golf.- Yes!
0:24:03 > 0:24:06- Well done.- Oh, thank you, Gyles.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10This was Muirfield Golf Club,
0:24:10 > 0:24:12they've refused to have women playing golf.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13That's it.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16And therefore, they can't have the Open Golf Championship there.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19And there was some famous golf commentator who said,
0:24:19 > 0:24:23"If women want to come to the club, they should marry a member."
0:24:23 > 0:24:24- JOE:- Peter Alliss, wasn't it? - GYLES:- Yeah.
0:24:24 > 0:24:29Yes, top BBC golfing commentator Peter Alliss told the Telegraph...
0:24:40 > 0:24:41Does he even know how competitive
0:24:41 > 0:24:44the "marry a rich, old, white guy" market is?
0:24:46 > 0:24:49How many Jerry Halls do I have to punch in the tit
0:24:49 > 0:24:51just to get a free gin and tonic?
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Do women actually want to join this club? I mean, they sound ghastly!
0:25:00 > 0:25:02It does sound awful.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05- POSH ACCENT:- Not a member of a club yourself, old boy?
0:25:05 > 0:25:07- Erm, I'm a member of a couple of clubs...- Ooh, ah.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09- Erm...- Yeah, tell us.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Oh, yeah? Come on.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14LAUGHTER
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Is it the Alzheimer's League?
0:25:21 > 0:25:24I was just wondering which ones to admit to.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28- You're not a Freemason, are you? - No.- Uh, uh, uh.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Are you having a stroke, Gyles?
0:25:32 > 0:25:34No, I'm not a member of the Freemasons.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Why's your trouser rolled up, then?
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Well, there's a strict dress code for golfers at Muirfield.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Do you know what the rule is governing shorts?
0:25:42 > 0:25:46- If they've got a pleat in them or something, or crease.- They have to make you look like a prick.
0:25:46 > 0:25:50Yeah. Tailored shorts can be worn if you wear them with what?
0:25:50 > 0:25:52With supportive underpants.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55"Go on, you're going to have a great game today, pants!"
0:25:59 > 0:26:01It's white socks.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- Oh, lovely.- White socks?- Yeah. Cute look.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Would you like to see an example of the great male dignity
0:26:06 > 0:26:08that needs to be preserved?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10- Mm.- Yeah, please.- Look at this.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13'I drank a lot of water, I really have to go.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16'People are waiting to tee off and there's no restroom out here.'
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Guys, how many times has this happened to you?
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Come on, you know you can't hold it in that long!
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Don't worry, I've got the perfect gift for you.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Introducing the UroClub,
0:26:27 > 0:26:29the discreet sanitary solution
0:26:29 > 0:26:30for your urgent relief.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Created by a board-certified urologist, it looks like
0:26:33 > 0:26:35an ordinary golf club,
0:26:35 > 0:26:36but it contains a special reservoir,
0:26:36 > 0:26:39built into the grip, to relieve yourself.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41The UroClub comes with a special towel to keep your privacy...
0:26:41 > 0:26:42LAUGHTER
0:26:42 > 0:26:45..and it appears to everyone that you're just checking out your club!
0:26:45 > 0:26:48At first it seems comical, but believe me,
0:26:48 > 0:26:51when you really have to go, it's a life-saver.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54But the clubhouse is only about 100 yards away.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56- It's going to be too far for him. - And he's got a club car!
0:26:56 > 0:27:00"What's your handicap?" "I keep pissing into me golf club."
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Would you use a UroClub, Gyles?
0:27:04 > 0:27:07I wouldn't, but I'm rather alarmed that the only time
0:27:07 > 0:27:11I went to a golf club in Scotland, after we'd been around,
0:27:11 > 0:27:15the man I was playing with opened up his club to offer me
0:27:15 > 0:27:17a little celebratory snifter.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Oh, dear.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25Well, there we are. I just thought it was a whisky that had gone off.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27At the end of that round,
0:27:27 > 0:27:29it's two points each.
0:27:29 > 0:27:30APPLAUSE
0:27:37 > 0:27:40And so, to Round Two, The One-Armed Bandit of News.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the first one.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52BUZZER
0:27:52 > 0:27:54- Is this Kim Kardashian? - LAUGHTER
0:27:54 > 0:27:56- Looks like her, it's not her. - Not quite.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Is that one of the sisters called Kushion?
0:28:01 > 0:28:03BELL
0:28:03 > 0:28:04Joe, do you know?
0:28:04 > 0:28:06I think she bought a cushion on eBay
0:28:06 > 0:28:08and it turned out to be one for a doll's house.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11It wasn't eBay, it was wish.com -
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Yazmin Zurtti was disappointed with some pillows she purchased online.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Here's what she ordered on the website, for what she thought
0:28:17 > 0:28:21was a bargain £10, to finish off her new bedroom perfectly.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23And here's what was delivered.
0:28:28 > 0:28:32What invention was in the news this week that might have stopped
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Yazmin making a rash purchase?
0:28:34 > 0:28:37A shop where you can go in and see what you're going to buy?
0:28:39 > 0:28:41And then a person approaches you in a uniform and asks
0:28:41 > 0:28:43if they can assist you?
0:28:43 > 0:28:46No, and then tells you what the price is?
0:28:46 > 0:28:49And then wraps it up for you and helps you take it home?
0:28:49 > 0:28:52Only in the world of Tolkien could such a thing happen.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55No, she might have used one of these, a new wristband that
0:28:55 > 0:28:58gives bank customers an electric shock when they overspend.
0:28:58 > 0:29:01The zap from the wristband can range from...
0:29:03 > 0:29:05Would you find that useful, Joe?
0:29:05 > 0:29:08No, not when I've had a drink.
0:29:08 > 0:29:09It'd have to Taser me.
0:29:12 > 0:29:14How much is it to buy?
0:29:14 > 0:29:16Well, it's £130...
0:29:16 > 0:29:17LAUGHTER
0:29:17 > 0:29:19Hilarious. Well, there's your first problem,
0:29:19 > 0:29:22it'd start going off as you're buying it.
0:29:23 > 0:29:25Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.
0:29:31 > 0:29:32- BELL - I know this.
0:29:32 > 0:29:38It's a story about an inappropriate sandcastle, which we've all done.
0:29:40 > 0:29:44I believe a policeman won a sandcastle competition by making
0:29:44 > 0:29:47a sandcastle look like a murder scene.
0:29:48 > 0:29:50That's exactly right, Joe.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53This is the news that police from Truro in Cornwall have been
0:29:53 > 0:29:56told off for making a sand sculpture of a murdered woman.
0:29:56 > 0:30:00- What did the crime scene look like? - A murder scene.- Yeah.
0:30:02 > 0:30:03It was a bit far.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06Maybe if they'd done like a sandcastle,
0:30:06 > 0:30:09or a couple of fellas fighting outside Wetherspoon's.
0:30:10 > 0:30:12According to The Sun, it featured...
0:30:15 > 0:30:18She also had seaweed hair and was cordoned off with police tape.
0:30:18 > 0:30:20Here she is.
0:30:20 > 0:30:22- GYLES:- Oh, my. - JOE:- It's good, innit?
0:30:24 > 0:30:26What were some of the complaints, do you think?
0:30:26 > 0:30:28Olivia Colman's not in it.
0:30:30 > 0:30:34One young sergeant refused to say how they made the sculpture's
0:30:34 > 0:30:35breasts, though he was later spotted
0:30:35 > 0:30:37shaking a load of sand out of his helmet.
0:30:40 > 0:30:43- Who did like the sculpture? JOE:- Vincent van Gogh. - GYLES:- Really?
0:30:43 > 0:30:45No, it was the judges of the Cornwall Beach Games,
0:30:45 > 0:30:47who awarded it first price,
0:30:47 > 0:30:50just ahead of sculptures depicting Oscar Pistorius
0:30:50 > 0:30:53relaxing at home, and Bill Cosby enjoying his freedom.
0:30:55 > 0:30:58In other crime news, why have sheep been causing trouble
0:30:58 > 0:31:00in the village of Rhydypandy in Wales?
0:31:00 > 0:31:01BELL
0:31:01 > 0:31:04- Ian.- They'd been taking drugs.
0:31:04 > 0:31:08- Oh.- Someone left a whole load of cannabis lying around
0:31:08 > 0:31:14and the sheep went and ate it all and then started behaving bizarrely.
0:31:14 > 0:31:17- Holding their own music festivals? - They were doing that.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19Apparently the sheep had been grazing on cannabis that's
0:31:19 > 0:31:22thought to have been dumped by an illegal plantation
0:31:22 > 0:31:24and they went berserk, they got aggressive,
0:31:24 > 0:31:27they started chasing people. According to the Mail...
0:31:32 > 0:31:35"This looks very nice.
0:31:35 > 0:31:37"I could live here.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40"That carpet reminds me of my brother."
0:31:42 > 0:31:44Which means at the end of this round
0:31:44 > 0:31:46it's...two points to Paul and Gyles,
0:31:46 > 0:31:48but Ian and Joe have four.
0:31:48 > 0:31:50APPLAUSE
0:31:58 > 0:32:01Time now for the Odd One Out round. Your four are...
0:32:01 > 0:32:02a Rubik's cube,
0:32:02 > 0:32:04Thomas a Becket's elbow,
0:32:04 > 0:32:06Mark Zuckerberg's dog, Beast,
0:32:06 > 0:32:07and Harry Houdini.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09BELL
0:32:09 > 0:32:11- Well, I know Thomas a Becket's elbow...- Mmm.
0:32:11 > 0:32:13..has turned up again in London.
0:32:13 > 0:32:16I think the experts are a bit divided, some say it's his arse.
0:32:17 > 0:32:19- It's a bit of him.- Yeah.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21It's a famous relic of Saint Thomas a Becket,
0:32:21 > 0:32:26and it was taken from his original internment and taken to Hungary.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29And I think that might be the link,
0:32:29 > 0:32:31cos Rubik was Hungarian,
0:32:31 > 0:32:35- I'm guessing that Harry Houdini wasn't called that originally.- No.
0:32:35 > 0:32:39- He's Hungarian.- And that dog... Do you know anything about the dog?
0:32:39 > 0:32:42The dog is a different nationality. Three of them are Hungarian,
0:32:42 > 0:32:45- and the dog is Pomeranian.- Is that a Pomeranian?- I think so.
0:32:45 > 0:32:48Heavily disguised as something else but it is, underneath,
0:32:48 > 0:32:52- a Pomeranian.- Thomas a Becket's elbow can't be Hungarian, can it?
0:32:52 > 0:32:53- No, but it was in Hungary.- Right.
0:32:53 > 0:32:57- Things that have travelled from Hungary.- Ah, yes.
0:32:57 > 0:33:00Yes. They all come from Hungary, apart from Thomas a Becket's elbow,
0:33:00 > 0:33:03which, as you said, Ian, was taken to Hungary
0:33:03 > 0:33:06following his murder in Canterbury Cathedral in 1170,
0:33:06 > 0:33:08and is now being returned, though only for a week.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11How did Thomas a Becket's special powers affect
0:33:11 > 0:33:13the inhabitants of Strood?
0:33:13 > 0:33:17It's one of the things that might happen after the referendum.
0:33:17 > 0:33:19Oh, was there a plague of boils?
0:33:19 > 0:33:20A plague of snails
0:33:20 > 0:33:23overwhelmed Strood or Stroud, as some people think...
0:33:23 > 0:33:26Don't you get a lot of warning, though, with snails?
0:33:26 > 0:33:28"There they are, they're over there.
0:33:28 > 0:33:31"Let's move over that way, then."
0:33:31 > 0:33:35He caused their descendants to grow tails.
0:33:35 > 0:33:37The Rubik's cube was invented by a Hungarian
0:33:37 > 0:33:41and is possibly the only thing to entertain children in the '70s that
0:33:41 > 0:33:42hasn't since been locked up.
0:33:45 > 0:33:48How did one Chinese Rubik's Cube fanatic
0:33:48 > 0:33:50try to impress a girl recently?
0:33:50 > 0:33:52Speaking to her?
0:33:57 > 0:33:59He made a picture...
0:33:59 > 0:34:02a portrait of her. She's got a very square head,
0:34:02 > 0:34:05- and he made a portrait of her. "That's for you."- Yes, Paul.
0:34:05 > 0:34:08- Yes?- Yes. A 27-year-old, Tong Aonan, spent 72 hours
0:34:08 > 0:34:12making a portrait of a girl he fancied, out of Rubik's Cubes.
0:34:12 > 0:34:13Here it is.
0:34:13 > 0:34:15GYLES GASPS
0:34:15 > 0:34:17- It's good.- Yeah. GYLES:- Well done.
0:34:17 > 0:34:20I do stuff like that. It never works.
0:34:20 > 0:34:23Well, you're right. His efforts were not successful.
0:34:23 > 0:34:25Aw...
0:34:25 > 0:34:26- GYLES:- Oh, dear.
0:34:26 > 0:34:28Poor Tong!
0:34:28 > 0:34:32Don't worry. That strong wrist of yours won't go to waste.
0:34:35 > 0:34:38Mark Zuckerberg's dog, Beast, is a Puli,
0:34:38 > 0:34:40a breed originating from Hungary.
0:34:40 > 0:34:43Here he is being exploited on Instagram.
0:34:43 > 0:34:46GYLES CHUCKLES
0:34:46 > 0:34:48- GYLES:- Is it really a dog?
0:34:48 > 0:34:51- JOE:- Sure the end of the mop just hasn't come off?
0:34:51 > 0:34:54Sticking with the Zuckerberg family,
0:34:54 > 0:34:57what reason does Facebook founder Mark give for always wearing
0:34:57 > 0:34:59the same outfit?
0:34:59 > 0:35:00He's boring.
0:35:00 > 0:35:03Easy. You don't make any decisions every morning,
0:35:03 > 0:35:05just put on the same thing. Something dark
0:35:05 > 0:35:08so it doesn't need washing that often. Don't need to think about it.
0:35:08 > 0:35:11- Just wear the same stuff.- That's the thing.- A lot of people do do it.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14A lot of powerful people... Yeah, Gyles, you know about this.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16- I know entirely about that. Chairman Mao did it for years.- Yep.
0:35:16 > 0:35:19- Obama does it.- Obama, the same outfit day in, day out.
0:35:19 > 0:35:23- Do you do it, Joe?- I do it, yeah. I power dress.
0:35:23 > 0:35:26Just not wearing any trousers.
0:35:26 > 0:35:29Mark Zuckerberg said...
0:35:35 > 0:35:36Like this man...
0:35:39 > 0:35:44I read this story. It's Gyles. He's given away all his bears.
0:35:44 > 0:35:47- Have you?- I've given away all my teddy bears.- How many did you have?
0:35:47 > 0:35:51More than a thousand. I've collected teddy bears all my life.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53And I began with one teddy bear
0:35:53 > 0:35:56and then I acquired a few more and then I acquired a wife...
0:35:56 > 0:35:58This could be long, this bit.
0:35:58 > 0:36:01So why are you getting rid of them, then?
0:36:01 > 0:36:04- Because my children, frankly, are not interested.- Hmm.
0:36:04 > 0:36:07I'm only here tonight, earning money, because of my children.
0:36:07 > 0:36:10- Yeah.- It's the one thing that's keeping me in touch with them.
0:36:10 > 0:36:12And now...
0:36:12 > 0:36:14Do you have actual children
0:36:14 > 0:36:17- or are you referring to the bears? - No, no.
0:36:17 > 0:36:21One of the bears in the Brandreth collection is the original
0:36:21 > 0:36:24Fozzie Bear from The Muppet Show.
0:36:24 > 0:36:26Known for his terrible jokes and fondness for bowties,
0:36:26 > 0:36:30Gyles Brandreth is 68 years old.
0:36:30 > 0:36:32Which means, at the end of this round,
0:36:32 > 0:36:34it's two points for Paul and Gyles,
0:36:34 > 0:36:37and Ian and Joe have five points. APPLAUSE
0:36:45 > 0:36:48Time now for the Missing Words round,
0:36:48 > 0:36:50which this week features, as its guest publication,
0:36:50 > 0:36:54the Journal of the Writing Equipment Society. And we start with...
0:36:58 > 0:37:02After taking Viagra, Barack Obama could be a handful on holiday.
0:37:08 > 0:37:11This is a story that President Obama
0:37:11 > 0:37:14has an autopen stylus, a pen which enables the user
0:37:14 > 0:37:17to sign documents even when they're not really there,
0:37:17 > 0:37:19and when it's President Trump,
0:37:19 > 0:37:22he'll be able to sign documents even though he's not all there.
0:37:22 > 0:37:24Next.
0:37:26 > 0:37:28- JOE:- Oh, hairy back?
0:37:33 > 0:37:36- GYLES:- David Attenborough padding about.
0:37:37 > 0:37:39Is it bamboo?
0:37:39 > 0:37:41Yes, Ian.
0:37:41 > 0:37:43- I knew it.- GYLES:- Oh!
0:37:43 > 0:37:47According to a recent study, the bamboo causes digestive problems
0:37:47 > 0:37:50which can ruin the mood. Other things that put pandas off sex
0:37:50 > 0:37:53include almost anything on Earth. Next.
0:37:56 > 0:37:59- JOE:- You can smell like a sandwich.
0:38:06 > 0:38:09On the downside, men with sensitive skin have reported coming out
0:38:09 > 0:38:11in RASHERS.
0:38:11 > 0:38:13GROANING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:13 > 0:38:15Next.
0:38:20 > 0:38:22- JOE:- Dinner lady?
0:38:22 > 0:38:24- GYLES:- Medieval monk.
0:38:24 > 0:38:25A great-grandad.
0:38:30 > 0:38:33Great-grandfather of nine Tony Collins beat a 36-year-old to
0:38:33 > 0:38:35take the English Greco-Roman crown.
0:38:35 > 0:38:38His opponent actually got him down for the count, but like all
0:38:38 > 0:38:42old people, Tony suddenly got up at six for no reason at all.
0:38:44 > 0:38:45Next.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54If you support Leicester City.
0:38:54 > 0:38:56KATHERINE LAUGHS
0:38:56 > 0:38:58Is it, if you are alive?
0:39:00 > 0:39:02Aw, Ian!
0:39:11 > 0:39:12Next.
0:39:15 > 0:39:17Thank goodness you didn't light a fire!
0:39:17 > 0:39:19- JOE:- Hello, I'm Santa.
0:39:27 > 0:39:30This is an American man who had to be freed from a chimney
0:39:30 > 0:39:33after getting stuck in there with no clothes on.
0:39:33 > 0:39:35After police grabbed him, they asked the man if he wished to
0:39:35 > 0:39:39say anything, to which he replied, "You're it!"
0:39:39 > 0:39:41And finally...
0:39:44 > 0:39:47- GYLES:- One of the Kardashians.
0:39:47 > 0:39:48Popular.
0:39:50 > 0:39:52- JOE:- 80% gravy.
0:39:54 > 0:39:56I think that's right.
0:39:56 > 0:39:59It is THE Gordon Brown who was...
0:39:59 > 0:40:03Gordon Brown took a DNA test to explore his ancestry.
0:40:03 > 0:40:07For the DNA test, Gordon Brown was asked for a sample of his saliva,
0:40:07 > 0:40:11which he produced as soon as he was shown a photo of Tony Blair.
0:40:11 > 0:40:16In a similar DNA test, Tony Blair discovered he was a son of a bitch.
0:40:16 > 0:40:18Aw...
0:40:18 > 0:40:20APPLAUSE
0:40:20 > 0:40:22So the final scores are -
0:40:22 > 0:40:25Paul and Gyles have four points,
0:40:25 > 0:40:28Ian and Joe have seven points.
0:40:28 > 0:40:29APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:40:31 > 0:40:33But before we go,
0:40:33 > 0:40:36there's just time for the caption competition.
0:40:36 > 0:40:38You didn't look like that on Grindr!
0:40:43 > 0:40:45On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:40:45 > 0:40:49Ian Hislop and Joe Wilkinson, Paul Merton and Gyles Brandreth,
0:40:49 > 0:40:52and I leave you with news that it's sad times for one commuter
0:40:52 > 0:40:55as the Royal Train speeds past the platform
0:40:55 > 0:40:58while Kate is changing Charlotte's nappy...
0:40:58 > 0:41:00AUDIENCE GROANS
0:41:00 > 0:41:03In a World Cup qualifier against the Philippines,
0:41:03 > 0:41:06North Korea deny they've made any attempt to influence the result.
0:41:11 > 0:41:14And as the referendum campaign gets dirty,
0:41:14 > 0:41:16Boris Johnson reveals a photo
0:41:16 > 0:41:19of what he claims is David Cameron's screensaver.
0:41:22 > 0:41:24Goodnight!
0:41:24 > 0:41:26APPLAUSE