0:00:02 > 0:00:03Can I just apologise? I'm losing my voice.
0:00:03 > 0:00:06I'm going to sound very odd. I apologise.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10- PAUL:- Let's get rid of him.- But I've brought some liquid cocaine...
0:00:35 > 0:00:37APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:55Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Martin Clunes.
0:00:55 > 0:00:56In the news this week:
0:00:56 > 0:00:59To the delight of fans, the star of The Revenant
0:00:59 > 0:01:03takes a stroll around the grounds of his recently purchased Beverly Hills mansion.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13On his way to launch a campaign encouraging people to holiday at home this summer,
0:01:13 > 0:01:16England's Head of Tourism phones to say he might be slightly late.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26And in the final of Robot MasterChef, the title's in the bag
0:01:26 > 0:01:29for the ZX1-E, unless he makes a mistake with the boiled egg.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42On Ian's team tonight, a comedian
0:01:42 > 0:01:47whose first job was collecting glasses in a pub, but things changed when he started doing stand-up,
0:01:47 > 0:01:49as the audience would helpfully throw them at him.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Please welcome Jason Manford.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54APPLAUSE
0:01:56 > 0:01:59And with Paul tonight is the Labour MP for Birmingham Yardley,
0:01:59 > 0:02:02who says, "You have to be a remarkable and amazing woman
0:02:02 > 0:02:04"to be offered a job where you're in charge -
0:02:04 > 0:02:07"average men get there all the time."
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Thanks, love.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Welcome, please, Jess Phillips MP.
0:02:12 > 0:02:13APPLAUSE
0:02:18 > 0:02:21And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Ian and Jason, take a look at this.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Oh, yeah, this is when Grindr went wrong.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Is that it again?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Oh, right, he's back allowed in, is he?
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Yeah. He can't see where that one went.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38And that's the general public.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42This is the latest instalment.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Yeah, the referendum on the 23rd of June
0:02:45 > 0:02:47that everyone's really knowledgeable about
0:02:47 > 0:02:51and knows what's going on, and they've left it up to us. Which...
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Is that an error?
0:02:53 > 0:02:57I don't even know how to work Series Link, so...
0:02:58 > 0:03:03..I'm worried that there's a lot of people like me who have been left with this decision to make.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05That's why we have government and that.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08- You expect them to make the decisions for you? - I would like them to make...
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Yeah, of course. I've got one decision,
0:03:10 > 0:03:14- and that is who I'd like to be in charge making decisions.- Yep.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16- Jess can help you out.- JASON:- Yeah.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Well, I'm voting to remain in the European Union.
0:03:19 > 0:03:25What's the reason? I mean, I've read some of the things - I did one of them quizzes online...
0:03:25 > 0:03:27I don't want to know about your personal life.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30..How you should vote, and there was, like, an online quiz, you know,
0:03:30 > 0:03:33to see which way you think you should be by answering certain questions.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36And there was loads of things that I didn't know.
0:03:36 > 0:03:37Like, if we leave the EU,
0:03:37 > 0:03:41energy bills could go up by £500 million. Now, I can't afford that.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46There's lots of reasons for voting In, mainly because of the people who are on the outside -
0:03:46 > 0:03:48so do you want to be on the same side as
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Nigel Farage, George Galloway...
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Jeremy Corbyn... Ooh.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Just about.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57APPLAUSE
0:03:57 > 0:03:58I genuinely don't know
0:03:58 > 0:04:00about the money thing.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Because I keep seeing them say £350 million a week,
0:04:03 > 0:04:07that's how much it costs to be in the EU...?
0:04:07 > 0:04:11- No - cos that doesn't include the rebate or what they spend... - That's what's confusing.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13- Nearly all... - HE GRUNTS THROATILY
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Nearly all the figures you see are rubbish.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17So you're telling me
0:04:17 > 0:04:21that some of the stuff these politicians are saying... might be untrue?
0:04:27 > 0:04:31- In this debate, I'm not saying that...- Of course not.- ..I'm saying it's ALL.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35I asked my dad, actually. I said, "What are YOU thinking?"
0:04:35 > 0:04:39He went, "Well, I guess Remain.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43"I think I'll go Remain, because what I don't want is, when you go on holiday,
0:04:43 > 0:04:48- "that queue for the non-EU passports is going to be massive."- Yeah.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52I thought, that's the most British way of deciding - queuing. Isn't it?
0:04:52 > 0:04:56Opinion pollsters have clearly detected the nation's almost
0:04:56 > 0:05:00catatonic with boredom, so they've been trying to liven things up.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Anyone know how they've been doing that?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Well, they've tried to get young people in
0:05:04 > 0:05:10by calling the referendum Voty McVoteface.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15They've been ringing people up and asking them how they think
0:05:15 > 0:05:18fictional characters would vote in the referendum.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19- Oh, yes.- Wow.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- Do you know any of the people...? - Sherlock Holmes must be in there.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Yes. What do you think that they said he would say?
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Oh, he'd be in favour of staying in Europe, Sherlock Holmes.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Reluctantly out, apparently.
0:05:29 > 0:05:30Reluctantly?
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Is he reluctant cos he really doesn't have a vote cos he's a fictional character?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39And how about Mary Poppins?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42She loves to travel.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44She's a floating voter.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48According to the Times:
0:05:58 > 0:05:59Captain Mainwaring.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01- In or out? JESS:- In.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02- Out.- Ah...
0:06:02 > 0:06:05It's unclear how the rest of Dad's Army would vote,
0:06:05 > 0:06:08as when the pollster asked, Captain Mainwaring said, "Don't tell him, Pike."
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Basil Fawlty?
0:06:12 > 0:06:13Oh, definitely out.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Very much out, you're right.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17- What do you mean, I'm right?! - You're right!
0:06:19 > 0:06:22You concur with the voting public.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24I concur with the voting public. OK, go on, then.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25As long... Sorry, go on.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27No, you go on.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30- I was wondering if Boris counted as a fictional character.- Yes!
0:06:31 > 0:06:33If only! If only.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40This voice of yours, Ian, I really like it, it's good.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Do you take requests? Are there certain sentences you'll say?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Anything you like.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50"Have you ever been to Cairo, my dear?"
0:06:50 > 0:06:54- DEEP VOICE:- Have you ever been to Cairo, my dear?- Oh...
0:06:54 > 0:06:55- It's lovely.- Can you say,
0:06:55 > 0:06:59"That's not just any hummus - it's Marks & Spencer's hummus"?
0:07:03 > 0:07:05He won't say that. He won't say that.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08I'll do it in the voice of Jeremy Corbyn.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10"That's not just any Hamas -
0:07:10 > 0:07:11"that's...
0:07:11 > 0:07:14"Marks and Spencer's Hamas."
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- APPLAUSE - Oh, nice. Very good.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21At Wetherspoon's, the chain of pubs,
0:07:21 > 0:07:23they've started printing beermats
0:07:23 > 0:07:25that say...
0:07:25 > 0:07:28that are sort of pro-exit.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31- What, do they say "Leave"?!- Yeah...
0:07:31 > 0:07:33I just thought,
0:07:33 > 0:07:35if you're sat in a Wetherspoon's reading a beermat...
0:07:35 > 0:07:38you shouldn't be allowed to make choices.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41And who have the Remainers
0:07:41 > 0:07:46brought out to inject a bit of vigour and pizzazz into their
0:07:46 > 0:07:48knackered campaign?
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Well, Ryanair have said that we should stay in.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Which... I don't know anybody who LIKES Ryanair...
0:07:55 > 0:07:56- JESS:- We all use it.
0:07:56 > 0:08:01Who else are you going to get, like - the roadworks on the M6(?)
0:08:03 > 0:08:05I was actually thinking of Kenneth Clarke.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Oh, yeah, he came out and he said that
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Boris was like a nice Trump.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15That means something else in the north, I think, doesn't it?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17- Yeah.- He said:
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Boris probably wouldn't go away with Trump
0:08:27 > 0:08:30but he has been up to something with Michael Gove recently.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32They had a go at the Prime Minister.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35This polite bit of the referendum debate is over.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38They're just going straight for it now.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40It's called Blue On Blue.
0:08:40 > 0:08:41It's a website.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Eugh...
0:08:45 > 0:08:48And they do say - and they do, in that voice -
0:08:48 > 0:08:50there's going to be a coup.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51You heard it here first.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53- Just about.- Yeah!
0:08:54 > 0:08:56One anonymous Tory rebel
0:08:56 > 0:09:00- said quite a nasty thing in the Sunday Times... - Not much of a rebel, is he?- No!
0:09:00 > 0:09:02"Don't say it was me!"
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Well, you wouldn't want to own up. This is what he said:
0:09:13 > 0:09:15They've said that win, lose or draw,
0:09:15 > 0:09:17they're going to try and get rid of him anyway.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Not easy getting rid of a useless leader, Jess.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23In my defence, I didn't ever threaten to stab my leader,
0:09:23 > 0:09:26- although the Metropolitan Police were called on me twice. - Were they?
0:09:26 > 0:09:28What did you do?
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Because it seems that people online can't understand a metaphor.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33I actually was saying something quite nice about my leader,
0:09:33 > 0:09:36I was saying I won't plot behind his back, I'll tell him to his face.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39But, yes, obviously in a slightly more stabby way.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40What are you going to do?
0:09:40 > 0:09:43I still didn't make it onto the hostile list
0:09:43 > 0:09:45when they wrote it, and I've had the police called on me.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47What category are you in, then?
0:09:47 > 0:09:51- I was just second from last - penultimate hostile. - Right, what's that called?
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- Er, oh...- JASON:- Naughty. - Core group negative.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58- Core group negative. Yeah, yeah. - Sounds like a disease.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01First symptoms, hoarseness of voice.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11So let's make the most of this - our final chance to talk about the EU...
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Oh, God, if only it was the final chance to talk about the EU.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16On this programme it is.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Let's see it off, with a quickfire buzzer round of EUniversity Challenge.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22MUSIC: University Challenge Theme
0:10:24 > 0:10:27I've always wanted to do this! So exciting.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29- JASON:- I'm nervous.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Fingers on buzzers: Why are there 12 stars on the EU flag?
0:10:33 > 0:10:37Is that how many times we've won the World Cup?
0:10:37 > 0:10:39You have to press your button. BUZZER
0:10:39 > 0:10:40Jason?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45It's us... It's us.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48What? Oh, sorry.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52That's one of the things they test you when you go into university, can you spot a light coming on?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57I was looking over there. I didn't know there were lights.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59It's nice in the winter months though.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02What was the question?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Er, because there was originally 12 member states.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06- No.- No.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08There is no reason.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09There just are 12,
0:11:09 > 0:11:12arranged in a circle that apparently symbolises unity.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15- Yeah.- Or it may not.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Fingers back on buzzers:
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Where is the highest toilet in Europe?
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Merton, Merton...
0:11:26 > 0:11:28- Do I have to go like this? - Yeah, yeah.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31He wasn't at Merton!
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- Merton - Life.- Yeah.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42Mont Blanc?
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Yes!
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Very good.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Which specific location in Europe
0:11:51 > 0:11:54sells more chocolate than anywhere else in the world? Specific location.
0:11:56 > 0:11:57Phillips, Merton.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Cadbury's Birmingham?!
0:11:59 > 0:12:04I say... I'm not going Cadbury's Birmingham, I'm going...
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Bern Airport, Switzerland.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Kind of in the right department but the wrong country - Brussels Airport.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13- Oh...- Switzerland isn't in the union.- Oh, isn't it?- No!
0:12:15 > 0:12:16Brussels Airport sells
0:12:16 > 0:12:20over 800 tonnes of Belgian chocolate every year,
0:12:20 > 0:12:22one of the best-known being praline -
0:12:22 > 0:12:25each chocolate is crafted by hand and filled with caramelised truffle,
0:12:25 > 0:12:28making it the perfect gift to buy your loved ones at the airport
0:12:28 > 0:12:30when you couldn't be arsed to buy something better earlier.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33In 1866,
0:12:33 > 0:12:38Liechtenstein sent its entire army of 80 soldiers off to the Austro-Prussian War.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42What was unusual about the number of soldiers that returned?
0:12:42 > 0:12:44- BUZZER - It was more.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46- What?- It was more, I was going to say.- Yes -
0:12:46 > 0:12:47do you know...
0:12:47 > 0:12:50- I don't know... Is that the actual answer?- Yeah.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53- Yeah, yeah.- Cos when they got there
0:12:53 > 0:12:55they just started chatting to him. He's dead nice.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59- Really nice. - Lovely uniform, brass buttons.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- Oh, yeah, they look after you.- Yes. 80 went to war and 81 came back.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- That's hilarious.- They'd been forbidden to engage
0:13:06 > 0:13:08in any form of military combat,
0:13:08 > 0:13:10so none were killed and then an Italian joined up
0:13:10 > 0:13:12cos he was looking for work.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16So this is the ongoing EU debate.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Donald Trump is arriving in Britain the day after the referendum
0:13:19 > 0:13:23to open a newly refurbished golf course in Turnberry, Ayrshire.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Trump is always keen to talk about his strong Scottish roots.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29They're made from goats' hair and they're designed to hold
0:13:29 > 0:13:30the rest of the wig in place.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32APPLAUSE
0:13:35 > 0:13:39Bristol Council was accused of influencing voters after printing
0:13:39 > 0:13:41this handy guide on how to complete your ballot paper.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49- It's a bit blatant. - Seems fair to me.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52They've now agreed to reprint them,
0:13:52 > 0:13:55without the controversial Leave the European Union box.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02- Paul and Jess, here's your boring question.- Yeah. Oh, well,
0:14:02 > 0:14:05this is obviously a tunnel, leading to the outside world. Cuckoo clock,
0:14:05 > 0:14:08- Switzerland.- Switzerland.- We're in the land of Switzerland.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10- Not in the EU.- This is definitely not in the EU.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13This is Merkel, and he's blessing the opening of the tunnel
0:14:13 > 0:14:15with a traditional rosemary. This is the opening ceremony.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18The world's longest tunnel has been built under the Alps,
0:14:18 > 0:14:2035 miles long, and it came in exactly on time.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22In fact, when they finished it it was actually 20 minutes early...
0:14:24 > 0:14:26..than what they said it was going to be.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28And they had a massive, brilliant opening ceremony with, like,
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- a baby with big wings.- Yeah, baby with big wings.- Alpine horns.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Oh, the baby with big wings that everybody talks about.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Is he the spirit of the Alps?
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Oh, is he the ancient god Toblerone that comes down
0:14:39 > 0:14:41and makes everything triangular?
0:14:41 > 0:14:43APPLAUSE
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Sometimes, when I'm driving home after a gig at, like, 2am,
0:14:48 > 0:14:50I sort of start to nod off a little bit and then I look at
0:14:50 > 0:14:52the fellas doing roadworks - I've seen that.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59In other engineering news, how did Sarah Guppy's pilings
0:14:59 > 0:15:03contribute to the building of the Clifton Suspension Bridge?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05- This bridge wouldn't have happened without her.- Oh, really?
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Cos she worked out how to stack up stone on a river bank
0:15:08 > 0:15:11so you could build a large bridge over it.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Brunel should have, I think, given her the credit.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- Typical.- Well, she declined to take any credit
0:15:17 > 0:15:19for this engineering achievement, saying...
0:15:23 > 0:15:26I'll leave that with you, Jess.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30She was a fool, clearly, regardless of pilings or otherwise.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33She also invented a dust-proof four-poster bed...
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Every woman's dream.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37..with a built-in exercise machine.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42- I thought a four-poster bed was an exercise machine!- She invented a...
0:15:43 > 0:15:45APPLAUSE
0:15:49 > 0:15:53So, at the end of that round, Paul and Jess have no points,
0:15:53 > 0:15:56and Ian and Jason have two points. Things are hotting up.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57It says two.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01- It says 2-2.- Oh!- I was going to say.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05Well, that's a rotten trick. It said nought when I looked.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08You can't believe any of the figures.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- PRODUCTION TEAM:- Martin, we'll do the scores one more time.- OK.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Yes, you bloody will!
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Then there'll be an appeal...
0:16:20 > 0:16:22- You'll still lose. - I want a large mandate.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24- I beg your pardon? JASON:- Don't we all, love?
0:16:33 > 0:16:37So, at the end of that round, two points each! Very exciting.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46So on to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53BUZZER
0:16:53 > 0:16:54Oh, yes...
0:16:54 > 0:16:56This is Farage.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59They're laughing already.
0:16:59 > 0:17:04But this is a very tricky one because this is Tory election fraud.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08And if it's proved the Tories rigged this election,
0:17:08 > 0:17:12then it means that Farage gets in and becomes an MP.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15So, you've got to weigh up what you want.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19An honest election or him?
0:17:19 > 0:17:22It doesn't just go to the next man, does it?
0:17:22 > 0:17:23I think we have another election.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25- JASON:- Yeah, another decision.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31- It's nonstop!- JESS:- I have to make decisions on your behalf every day.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33- JASON:- Do you? - JESS:- Yeah, it's tiring.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Have you two got something going?
0:17:36 > 0:17:38- JESS:- I'd never have picked that outfit.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Neither did I.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44- JESS:- You look lovely, darling. I'm only kidding.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46- JASON:- Too late now, that's it. I'm voting Brexit.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51So, they spent too much money on trying to win...
0:17:51 > 0:17:54They didn't declare lots of young Tory volunteers
0:17:54 > 0:17:58get on the bus and go down and stay the night,
0:17:58 > 0:18:01and bully each other... And whatever they do.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06And then in the morning, they go around saying, "Vote Tory."
0:18:06 > 0:18:09You're meant to declare that locally and there is a suggestion
0:18:09 > 0:18:12they did it nationally, so it's a big accountancy story.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15- I see, right.- The battlebus makes people feel important.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17"Hey, we're on the battlebus!"
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Of course, if you call it that.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Mine's still called the 192 to Stockport. The battlebus!
0:18:24 > 0:18:27It was one of the most tightly fought battles in the country,
0:18:27 > 0:18:31according to the Daily Telegraph. Nigel Farage lost by less than 3,000
0:18:31 > 0:18:33votes to Tory Craig Mackinley.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Ukip supporters were outraged by the allegations of
0:18:36 > 0:18:39overspending, while Telegraph readers were outraged
0:18:39 > 0:18:41by the use of the word "less" instead of "fewer".
0:18:45 > 0:18:48The Tories tried to appeal the decision of the judge,
0:18:48 > 0:18:52and they lost today, I believe. They were told, "Do one.
0:18:52 > 0:18:53"We're having more time."
0:18:53 > 0:18:56And what has the Conservative Party been doing to assist with
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- the inquiries so far? - They're hiring a QC to resist.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01They've hired a Laddie.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03- They've hired Aladdin?!- A Laddie.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08It nearly got interesting then!
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Aladdin. That would be excellent.
0:19:11 > 0:19:12James Laddie, QC.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Oh, right.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Yes, yes. This is the allegations about Tory election expenses.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20The alleged electorial... That's quite hard to say, actually.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23- Electorial?- No, the alleged electorial.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Electoral.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Oh, if I say it properly, it's easier.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35My advice is drop "the alleged".
0:19:38 > 0:19:40APPLAUSE
0:19:42 > 0:19:47The alleged electoral abuse has been picked up by Russia Today.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50They've long campaigned against electoral fraud, ever since that
0:19:50 > 0:19:54time Vladimir Putin only polled a suspiciously low 107% of the vote.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Fingers on your buzzers, teams.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01BUZZER
0:20:01 > 0:20:04This is... The invisible man's been found dead.
0:20:08 > 0:20:09APPLAUSE
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Was this a lad who... Like, a teenager who,
0:20:15 > 0:20:17in an art gallery or museum,
0:20:17 > 0:20:21put some glasses on the floor and people started randomly
0:20:21 > 0:20:24throughout the day looking at it as if it was a piece of art?
0:20:24 > 0:20:29Charles Saatchi bought it for 5 million quid.
0:20:29 > 0:20:30It's actually a companion piece.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33The other one is Short-Sighted Man Wees In Fish Tank.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Got to line them up together.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39They were put in the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art
0:20:39 > 0:20:43by 17-year-old prankster TJ Khayatan, who was unimpressed with
0:20:43 > 0:20:45some of the art on display and he set out to test the theory
0:20:45 > 0:20:49that people will stare at and artistically interpret
0:20:49 > 0:20:52anything in a gallery setting. And it seems he was right.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57It wasn't just his glasses. There was a baseball cap.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59- That's right, yeah.- There we go.
0:21:01 > 0:21:02And a bin.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06That bloke's saying, "It's rubbish."
0:21:06 > 0:21:08JESS SIGHS
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Thank you very much.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12One commentator on Facebook said...
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Twat.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34This is the student who turned his own spectacles into an artwork
0:21:34 > 0:21:37by putting them on the floor of a gallery.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Actually, the joke was on him as he completely ruined
0:21:40 > 0:21:43the £10 million world-renowned work of art called Floor.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50BUZZER
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Is it the difference between London and Manchester?
0:21:53 > 0:21:55The south and the north, different accents?
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Or different words are used?
0:21:57 > 0:22:02Salford, that. I know it's picky, but they will start writing in.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07This is the news that according to a recent study, the London accent
0:22:07 > 0:22:11is taking over the UK, killing off regional twangs.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13- COCKNEY ACCENT:- I've thought that a few times, to be honest.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23- YORKSHIRE ACCENT:- Yeah, but there's some that say it goes
0:22:23 > 0:22:26the other way, though. Put that on your telly, if you will!
0:22:26 > 0:22:28HE GRUMBLES
0:22:30 > 0:22:33According to Dr David Britain, who worked on the study...
0:22:33 > 0:22:35He knows nothing!
0:22:35 > 0:22:37..mainly due to increased social mobility,
0:22:37 > 0:22:40although another culprit is...
0:22:40 > 0:22:41- television.- Telly, yeah.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Soap operas. That was the main thing, soap operas.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47When Coronation Street started in 1960, a lot of people hadn't heard
0:22:47 > 0:22:49that accent outside of Manchester, the north.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51- RP ACCENT:- Everyone on telly sounded like this.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52They did. This is the BBC.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54The King has resigned. What are we going to do?
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Yes, I remember it.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02APPLAUSE
0:23:03 > 0:23:06It's funny cos I come to London a lot,
0:23:06 > 0:23:09and I live in Manchester, and my family are very...
0:23:09 > 0:23:11they're from Manchester, you know.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14So, even now, occasionally, my brother will pick me up
0:23:14 > 0:23:17on the odd word that I've said differently.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20I remember just saying, "Pass me that remote-control, please."
0:23:20 > 0:23:21He went, "Please?!
0:23:26 > 0:23:29"Coming over here, talking like the Queen!"
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Anyone know what a spelk is?
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Is it like a splinter?
0:23:34 > 0:23:37It is. You'll only find it in the north-east of England.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39"Stop moaning, soft lad."
0:23:39 > 0:23:41"I've got a spelk, Dad!"
0:23:42 > 0:23:45"Spelk in me finger." "Stop bloody moaning.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47"I've had one in my eye for 12 years."
0:23:52 > 0:23:54There's words that you use in Manchester.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58I've always found it fascinating, like we use words
0:23:58 > 0:24:00like "mithered," as you know.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02- JESS:- Yeah, I'd say you're mithering.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03- JASON:- I love that.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05What I really like is some of the swearwords.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09Like, we use "knobhead" quite a lot in Manchester.
0:24:09 > 0:24:10And they never use that word in London.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Which is weird, cos there's loads of them here.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16APPLAUSE
0:24:16 > 0:24:17Everywhere!
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Who might be our knight in shining armour,
0:24:21 > 0:24:23when it comes to preserving northern accents?
0:24:23 > 0:24:26It's not going to be anyone from the Tory party, is it?
0:24:26 > 0:24:29You're not going to know this. This is a gentleman called
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Korean Billy.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34He's become an internet sensation.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38His videos teaching you how to speak with a Liverpudlian accent.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Let's have a look at one of his lessons.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43In Scouse, the K sound sounds like clearing your throat.
0:24:43 > 0:24:44For example...
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Chicken.
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Chi-ch-en.
0:24:47 > 0:24:48Chicken.
0:24:48 > 0:24:49Chi-ch-en.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Dock.
0:24:51 > 0:24:52Do-ch.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53Dock.
0:24:53 > 0:24:54Do-ch.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56I'd like some chicken.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57I'd like some chi-ch-en.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01APPLAUSE
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Very good, yeah!
0:25:06 > 0:25:10This is the survey that tells us regional accents are dying out.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12One of the things the study looked at
0:25:12 > 0:25:14was how people pronounce "butter".
0:25:14 > 0:25:17It's quite simple. In the south we say "butter".
0:25:17 > 0:25:19In the north they say "margarine".
0:25:30 > 0:25:32I'm voting Brexit.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Yeah.
0:25:35 > 0:25:40According to a linguistics researcher at Cambridge, Adrian Leemann...
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Leave it out, Leemann, you slag.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53You sounded just like Ian when you said that!
0:25:56 > 0:25:58So, that means at the end of this round,
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Paul and Jess have three,
0:26:00 > 0:26:02and Ian and Jason leading, ahead with four.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10So, it's time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Paul and Jess, your four are
0:26:12 > 0:26:16Marina Stepanova, MC Hammer,
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Sara Blizzard and Dr Henry Heimlich.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Ah! Right.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23OK. Out of all those, Dr Henry Heimlich,
0:26:23 > 0:26:26who invented the Heimlich manoeuvre, this was an interesting story
0:26:26 > 0:26:30last week, I think he's in a care home now, at the age of 96,
0:26:30 > 0:26:32and a fellow resident started choking,
0:26:32 > 0:26:34and he was on hand to do the Heimlich manoeuvre
0:26:34 > 0:26:37and it's the first time ever he's ever actually been
0:26:37 > 0:26:40called upon to do it, and saved this woman's life.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43There, he's obviously attacking that woman,
0:26:43 > 0:26:45so he's got a dark side to him.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48So, who are the other people you mentioned?
0:26:48 > 0:26:51- Marina Stepanova.- Yeah. - She does the hurdles.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Step-and-over.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56400 metre hurdles, though.
0:26:56 > 0:26:57Really high.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02APPLAUSE
0:27:04 > 0:27:06- Bottom left is Sara Blizzard? - Sara Blizzard.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08We don't know what this Blizzard person...
0:27:08 > 0:27:11- She's a weather woman. - Sara Blizzard is a weather presenter
0:27:11 > 0:27:14for East Midlands Today, taking over from the much-loved
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Karen Pissingitdown.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23I read this story about MC Hammer. He doesn't like hammers.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25He's got an aversion to hammers?
0:27:25 > 0:27:26Yes.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28That's a weird thing to have!
0:27:28 > 0:27:31They all have highly appropriate names, apart from MC Hammer,
0:27:31 > 0:27:34who recently revealed that he's scared of hammering.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37In a recent interview, he said, using hammers...
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Henry Heimlich, according to the Daily Mail, the 96-year-old
0:27:47 > 0:27:51leapt into action and was at his patient's side in less than an hour.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56How did Dr Heimlich play a pivotal role
0:27:56 > 0:27:59in the engagement of Carrie Fisher and Dan Aykroyd?
0:27:59 > 0:28:03They were both patients of his? They were both...they both thought
0:28:03 > 0:28:06one day they might choke so they were having anti-choke lessons?
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Did Carrie Fisher do the Heimlich manoeuvre
0:28:08 > 0:28:10on Dan Aykroyd or vice versa?
0:28:10 > 0:28:11Which would you like to say?
0:28:11 > 0:28:15- Who you gonna call? Dr Heimlich. - I'm going to say
0:28:15 > 0:28:18- Carrie was doing it to Dan. - Yeah.
0:28:18 > 0:28:19Carrie was doing it to Dan.
0:28:21 > 0:28:22- No.- Dan was doing it to Carrie?
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Dan saved Carrie's life by performing the Heimlich manoeuvre
0:28:25 > 0:28:27after she choked on a Brussels sprout.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30- I don't know why that's funny. - Bloody Brussels.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35APPLAUSE
0:28:36 > 0:28:38After saving her life,
0:28:38 > 0:28:40Aykroyd proposed and Carrie accepted. She said...
0:28:44 > 0:28:48According to the Sun, while working on Britain's Got Talent...
0:28:51 > 0:28:55At least, that's what they told the runner when she walked in on them.
0:28:56 > 0:28:57There are loads of great names.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00Buzz if you can tell me the occupations of the following people.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02These are all genuine. Les McBurney.
0:29:02 > 0:29:04- BUZZER - Fireman!
0:29:04 > 0:29:06- Yes, from Wisconsin.- Yep.
0:29:06 > 0:29:08Barth Toothman. BUZZER
0:29:08 > 0:29:09Plumber.
0:29:13 > 0:29:14Dentist.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16Very good. Dentist.
0:29:16 > 0:29:17Mark de Man.
0:29:17 > 0:29:19BUZZER
0:29:19 > 0:29:21Rapper.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23Professional footballer.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26- Professional killer.- He's a footballer. Ian, of course,
0:29:26 > 0:29:30- you'd get that.- Mark de Man, a defender, I would guess.- Yes!
0:29:32 > 0:29:35Wait a minute! Wait a minute.
0:29:37 > 0:29:38There's something strange going on.
0:29:38 > 0:29:42Ian Hislop's voice isn't quite the same as it normally is.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46And the Ian Hislop I know knows nothing about football.
0:29:50 > 0:29:52It's Ross Kemp in an Ian Hislop suit.
0:29:52 > 0:29:54Leave it out!
0:29:57 > 0:30:01So, they all have highly appropriate names, apart from MC Hammer,
0:30:01 > 0:30:04who recently revealed he's scared of hammers and hammering.
0:30:04 > 0:30:05Before he hit it big,
0:30:05 > 0:30:09MC Hammer formed a Christian rap group called the Holy Ghost Boys,
0:30:09 > 0:30:12before two members left to form a father and son group.
0:30:16 > 0:30:18Phew! How long's that joke been lying around?
0:30:21 > 0:30:23As a record-breaking hurdler,
0:30:23 > 0:30:25Marina Stepanova is very appropriately named,
0:30:25 > 0:30:28though things are looking bad for the Russian medical advisor
0:30:28 > 0:30:30behind the doping of their 2012 athletes,
0:30:30 > 0:30:32Dr "Struk-ov".
0:30:35 > 0:30:38The instance of a name being linked to what you do
0:30:38 > 0:30:41is known as nominative determinism,
0:30:41 > 0:30:43a phrase first suggested by linguistics expert
0:30:43 > 0:30:46Norman Ative and his German colleague
0:30:46 > 0:30:47Dieter Minism.
0:30:52 > 0:30:55APPLAUSE
0:30:58 > 0:31:01This has got an end-of-series feel about it.
0:31:01 > 0:31:04You wouldn't have dared put that on the first show.
0:31:04 > 0:31:06- All the jokes that got left lying around...- Save them up.
0:31:06 > 0:31:09- I'll do them!- Yep.
0:31:10 > 0:31:13There's a Belgian footballer called Mark De Man, and, of course,
0:31:13 > 0:31:16the French women's football team
0:31:16 > 0:31:18have that awful player, Miss de Gaulle.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20AUDIENCE: Oh...
0:31:21 > 0:31:23Ian and Jason, here are yours.
0:31:23 > 0:31:24Snickers bar,
0:31:24 > 0:31:26Titty from Swallows And Amazons,
0:31:26 > 0:31:28the Port Isaac Shuttle Service
0:31:28 > 0:31:30and Boggy Bottom.
0:31:30 > 0:31:31- Oh, I know this!- Good.
0:31:31 > 0:31:33LAUGHTER
0:31:34 > 0:31:37The character in Swallows And Amazons used to be called Titty,
0:31:37 > 0:31:39and they've changed the name to Tatty
0:31:39 > 0:31:41- cos they think a modern audience... - Would laugh at that.
0:31:41 > 0:31:46- ..would laugh at a girl called Titty.- Why?- God knows.
0:31:47 > 0:31:49It's quite funny.
0:31:50 > 0:31:52- Some people are so immature.- Yeah.
0:31:52 > 0:31:57The Port Isaac Shuttle Service, when it becomes an acronym...
0:31:58 > 0:32:01..people find it offensive.
0:32:01 > 0:32:04Because it just says "PISS" on the side of the...
0:32:05 > 0:32:09So, they've all been changed, except Boggy Bottom? Right.
0:32:09 > 0:32:11Very good, absolutely right.
0:32:17 > 0:32:20Boggy Bottom in Hertfordshire came third in a recent survey
0:32:20 > 0:32:23of rude place names. Can you name any others?
0:32:23 > 0:32:26- I live near a place called Licky End.- Really?
0:32:26 > 0:32:32- The winner in the rude place names survey was Bell End.- Classic.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35Brown Willy came second.
0:32:35 > 0:32:37You could have had Crotch Crescent in Oxford.
0:32:37 > 0:32:39You could have had it...
0:32:39 > 0:32:42but if you use the ointment, it goes away after a week.
0:32:43 > 0:32:47The same ointment works for Fanny Hands Lane in Lincolnshire.
0:32:47 > 0:32:52- Or Fudgepack upon Humber in Humberside.- That is lovely.
0:32:52 > 0:32:57Yes, Titty's been redubbed Tatty in order to sound less rude,
0:32:57 > 0:33:00which angered the niece of the real-life Titty, who said...
0:33:07 > 0:33:09And the actress Sophie Neville,
0:33:09 > 0:33:11who played Titty in the 1974 film adaptation,
0:33:11 > 0:33:13what does she have to say about that?
0:33:13 > 0:33:15Not bothered?
0:33:15 > 0:33:17- "I'm all right, thanks."- She said...
0:33:20 > 0:33:24According to the Sunday Times, the BBC have ruined a classic
0:33:24 > 0:33:26by replacing tit with tat,
0:33:26 > 0:33:28or that could just be a review of Top Gear.
0:33:30 > 0:33:32So before it became Snickers again,
0:33:32 > 0:33:34the popular Mars bar chocolate bar Snickers
0:33:34 > 0:33:38was changed to Marathon bar when it was launched in the UK, why?
0:33:38 > 0:33:40Did they think that Snickers sounded like knickers?
0:33:40 > 0:33:42- Yeah.- Really?- Wow.
0:33:42 > 0:33:43Yeah, yeah.
0:33:43 > 0:33:45It is. Idiots.
0:33:46 > 0:33:49So they've all changed their names to avoid sounding rude,
0:33:49 > 0:33:52apart from Boggy Bottom, which is keeping its name,
0:33:52 > 0:33:55despite being deemed one of the rudest place names in the country.
0:33:55 > 0:33:57According to the British Food Commission,
0:33:57 > 0:34:00one of the unhealthiest dishes ever was...
0:34:03 > 0:34:05Which is apparently the only way he could get them out
0:34:05 > 0:34:07of the supermarket without paying.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11A taxi service in Port Isaac has had to change its name
0:34:11 > 0:34:13after the acronym spelt out "piss".
0:34:13 > 0:34:16And now that this precedent has been set, it's worrying times for
0:34:16 > 0:34:18the Cornish Union of Night Transport.
0:34:25 > 0:34:27That took you a while.
0:34:27 > 0:34:28They're my favourite sort of jokes
0:34:28 > 0:34:31because I know what a writers' room looks like
0:34:31 > 0:34:34and they will have all been just the first one trying to get right...
0:34:34 > 0:34:38"Cornish Union... Oh, my God, I've got it! I've got it!"
0:34:40 > 0:34:41For many years,
0:34:41 > 0:34:44Snickers has been one of the Mars Corporation's three mega brands.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47According to a case study in marketing communication...
0:34:51 > 0:34:53A sort of chocolaty Isis.
0:34:57 > 0:34:59Which means that at the end of this round,
0:34:59 > 0:35:01it's still three points to Paul and Jess
0:35:01 > 0:35:04and Ian and Jason leaping ahead with a mighty seven.
0:35:04 > 0:35:06Ooh, wow.
0:35:06 > 0:35:08- APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH - Never mind.
0:35:10 > 0:35:13- I've never won a quiz in my whole life, so...- Oh, really?
0:35:13 > 0:35:16Time now for the Missing Words round, which this week features
0:35:16 > 0:35:18as its guest publication Rubber Chicken,
0:35:18 > 0:35:21the kids' entertainers' magazine.
0:35:21 > 0:35:23And we start with...
0:35:23 > 0:35:26What is possibly the most Waitrose thing ever?
0:35:26 > 0:35:30The fig and horseradish kale crisps are in the essentials aisle.
0:35:35 > 0:35:36It's actually...
0:35:40 > 0:35:43- JASON:- Brilliant. - JESS:- Oh...
0:35:43 > 0:35:46Waitrose say they're promoting the beer to appeal to
0:35:46 > 0:35:48a growing demographic amongst their shoppers,
0:35:48 > 0:35:49the second homeless.
0:35:53 > 0:35:54Next.
0:35:58 > 0:35:59Oh, KFC.
0:36:01 > 0:36:06Westminster Abbey to be turned over to the police.
0:36:06 > 0:36:10And some priests aren't happy about it!
0:36:10 > 0:36:11It's a Gucci catwalk.
0:36:11 > 0:36:12- Oh.- Really?- Oh.
0:36:12 > 0:36:15When they heard about the protests from members of the Church,
0:36:15 > 0:36:17several of the models walked out,
0:36:17 > 0:36:21before stopping, posing, turning round and walking back in again.
0:36:21 > 0:36:22Next.
0:36:25 > 0:36:28Don't drive after drinking. It's not that, is it?
0:36:28 > 0:36:30- It's...- Don't drink after driving.
0:36:32 > 0:36:34He'd had a few by then.
0:36:34 > 0:36:37- SLURRING:- Don't drink after drinking.- Drinking!
0:36:38 > 0:36:39This is...
0:36:41 > 0:36:44- That's terrible advice. - Talking about drinking in politics,
0:36:44 > 0:36:46Nigel Farage said...
0:36:48 > 0:36:51Which would explain the late changes he made
0:36:51 > 0:36:52to his Rivers of Joy speech.
0:37:00 > 0:37:04To play inside a gorilla enclosure.
0:37:04 > 0:37:06- Too soon?- JESS:- Nah, not too soon.
0:37:06 > 0:37:09- JASON:- The kid's alive!- JESS:- Yeah. - JASON:- He's all right.
0:37:09 > 0:37:10They want the exact opposite.
0:37:10 > 0:37:13They want a unicycle riding a poodle.
0:37:14 > 0:37:15Cushiony birds.
0:37:16 > 0:37:19Bouncy fowl.
0:37:19 > 0:37:22- You weren't a million miles away, actually.- I know I'm not.
0:37:22 > 0:37:24Otherwise you wouldn't be able to hear me.
0:37:27 > 0:37:29APPLAUSE
0:37:29 > 0:37:31- Shall I tell you?- You might as well, we're here.
0:37:31 > 0:37:33It's, er...
0:37:35 > 0:37:38Parents have complained that the price of balloon modellers
0:37:38 > 0:37:41has gone up in recent years, probably due to inflation.
0:37:44 > 0:37:46In some way, I can't help feeling
0:37:46 > 0:37:48that Christmas crackers are going to be empty this year.
0:37:48 > 0:37:50Next.
0:37:52 > 0:37:54Spoon?
0:37:54 > 0:37:56That is... Isn't that that...? I think that is that.
0:37:56 > 0:37:58- There was something about a spoon in...- Really, giant spoon?
0:37:58 > 0:38:01- Sight of giant spoon, is it really? - I think it is, genuinely,
0:38:01 > 0:38:04- about a spoon.- OK. I was trying to make a very poor joke
0:38:04 > 0:38:06but obviously I should be working for whichever paper wrote this.
0:38:06 > 0:38:09Er, Shakespeare's spoon.
0:38:09 > 0:38:12Could this be the spoon that he wrote The Tempest with?
0:38:12 > 0:38:14- It's not a spoon.- Oh, that was not a spoon.- Isn't it?- No.
0:38:14 > 0:38:17- Oh, I thought...- Don't listen to her, she's an MP.
0:38:17 > 0:38:20- Not a spoon.- Shall I tell you? - Yeah, go on.- Yeah.
0:38:24 > 0:38:26It caused quite a stir?
0:38:26 > 0:38:28The Mexican snack was apparently so large
0:38:28 > 0:38:30that according to one witness...
0:38:33 > 0:38:34No!
0:38:34 > 0:38:37The identity of the bus driver is not yet known
0:38:37 > 0:38:40but the company he worked for was Arriva-Arriva!
0:38:41 > 0:38:43Nice.
0:38:46 > 0:38:48When Boppo punches Boris Johnson.
0:38:50 > 0:38:54Is it when the coulrophobic society booked the same hotel
0:38:54 > 0:38:55on the same night?
0:38:55 > 0:38:56- What phobic?- The coul...
0:38:56 > 0:39:00Well, I'm not even explaining that because that is a clever joke.
0:39:00 > 0:39:02APPLAUSE
0:39:02 > 0:39:04- Coulrophobic?- Fear of clowns.
0:39:04 > 0:39:07- Shall I tell you? - Yeah, please do.
0:39:09 > 0:39:11- JASON:- Aw! - JESS:- That's so sad.
0:39:11 > 0:39:12Yeah, he must've been lonely.
0:39:12 > 0:39:14All his adult life.
0:39:20 > 0:39:21Next.
0:39:23 > 0:39:25- JESS:- Grindr?
0:39:28 > 0:39:31APPLAUSE
0:39:31 > 0:39:34I mean, I don't know what he gets up to, maybe it's not.
0:39:34 > 0:39:36Is it physics?
0:39:36 > 0:39:38- JESS:- Trump is beyond his understanding.
0:39:38 > 0:39:41- Well done, yeah, Trump's popularity. Very good.- Well done.
0:39:41 > 0:39:43Hawking called Trump a demagogue who appeals to
0:39:43 > 0:39:45the lowest common denominator.
0:39:45 > 0:39:47Trump is expected to reply to the comments as soon as
0:39:47 > 0:39:50he's looked up the words in a dictionary.
0:39:50 > 0:39:53After hearing Hawking's comments about his intelligence,
0:39:53 > 0:39:57Donald Trump responded by saying, "Come over here and type that."
0:39:59 > 0:40:01And, finally...
0:40:04 > 0:40:05No refunds.
0:40:07 > 0:40:10Cash in hand, before I put the hat on.
0:40:10 > 0:40:12It's...
0:40:12 > 0:40:13Ah, yeah.
0:40:13 > 0:40:16So the final scores are, Paul and Jess with four,
0:40:16 > 0:40:18but Ian and Jason romp away with the night with seven.
0:40:18 > 0:40:21APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:40:23 > 0:40:26And I leave you with news that at London Zoo the vet begins
0:40:26 > 0:40:28a round of prostate examinations.
0:40:33 > 0:40:34What is that animal?
0:40:34 > 0:40:36- JESS:- Bushbaby, maybe?
0:40:36 > 0:40:41- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- It's an aye-aye. - Aye-aye.- JASON:- Aye-aye!- Oh, is it?
0:40:41 > 0:40:44- That's the noise it makes when you stick a finger up.- "Aye-aye!"
0:40:46 > 0:40:49APPLAUSE
0:40:54 > 0:40:56At Claridge's in London, the chefs react quickly as
0:40:56 > 0:40:59Gordon Ramsay falls into the deep fat fryer.
0:41:03 > 0:41:06There's an air of distrust as UN diplomats meet for talks
0:41:06 > 0:41:09with President Assad about his chemical stockpile.
0:41:11 > 0:41:13With his visitors from Botswana about to arrive,
0:41:13 > 0:41:16one pensioner discovers that his wife has torn the relevant pages
0:41:16 > 0:41:18out of his joke book.
0:41:21 > 0:41:23And in Dover, there is a triumph for the Remain campaign
0:41:23 > 0:41:26as they lure Boris Johnson onto a zip wire
0:41:26 > 0:41:28that goes all the way to Calais.
0:41:28 > 0:41:32APPLAUSE
0:41:33 > 0:41:34Goodnight.