0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language
0:00:24 > 0:00:28APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:37 > 0:00:38MONTAGE: Good evening...
0:00:38 > 0:00:41And welcome... To... Have I Got... News... For You.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42I'm Tracey Ullman.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44I'm Nick Clegg. I'm Gary Lineker.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45I'm Katherine Ryan.
0:00:45 > 0:00:46I'm Stephen Mangan.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49In the news this week, word spreads that Rupert Murdoch
0:00:49 > 0:00:53has rewritten his will to cut out his children.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55MALEVOLENT LAUGHTER
0:00:55 > 0:00:59LAUGHTER
0:00:59 > 0:01:02In Essex, one passenger takes the easy option after foolishly
0:01:02 > 0:01:05asking a taxi driver for his opinions on Brexit.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08LAUGHTER
0:01:14 > 0:01:18In London, one disgruntled commuter decides to put his
0:01:18 > 0:01:21dispute with the rail company behind him and move on.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Producers on BBC Breakfast deny that
0:01:32 > 0:01:35the move to Salford has affected the quality of the guests.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43And the Republican party put in place measures to ensure
0:01:43 > 0:01:46a scandal-free presidency as Donald Trump spots an attractive
0:01:46 > 0:01:47woman in the crowd.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52LAUGHTER
0:01:57 > 0:02:01This is our new Prime Minister. Not him! Don't have a heart attack!
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Oh, justice being done.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06The Government doesn't have power on its own to trigger
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Article 50 and it has to refer it to Parliament.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11I actually launched a legal challenge to try and stop the
0:02:11 > 0:02:13subject coming up on this show, but unfortunately...
0:02:13 > 0:02:17I think we should have warned the National Grid.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Because there's going to be a massive upsurge in
0:02:19 > 0:02:22electricity demand as people go to put the kettle on.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24LAUGHTER
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Or switch on their electric chairs.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29LAUGHTER
0:02:29 > 0:02:33There doesn't seem to be any kind of plan for getting out of the EU,
0:02:33 > 0:02:37but Tory MP Andrew Davies seemed pretty sure that Brexit
0:02:37 > 0:02:38will definitely be sorted.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41And conference, mark my words -
0:02:41 > 0:02:45we will make breakfast... Brexit! ..a success.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47LAUGHTER
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Could it be that the entire nation has voted under
0:02:53 > 0:02:55a slight misapprehension?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58They're merely wanting breakfast?
0:02:58 > 0:03:02I mean, you were there - she didn't really like many of the Tories,
0:03:02 > 0:03:04- did she? The old ones.- No.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06LAUGHTER
0:03:06 > 0:03:10- Neither did I, actually, but there we are.- Did you like her?
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Did you like Theresa May?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13I-I-I... LAUGHTER
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Anyway, the answer...!
0:03:17 > 0:03:21- It's all right, she's not going to offer you a job!- No!
0:03:21 > 0:03:25- No, I doubt that very much!- Do you still speak to David Cameron, Nick?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27No, anyway, moving on. Um...
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Do you still phone him up when you're drunk?
0:03:29 > 0:03:32LAUGHTER
0:03:35 > 0:03:37We had a visit by an American president.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40He said, "Unless you stay in the EU, you'll go to the back of the queue,"
0:03:40 > 0:03:44which is a mistake with British people, because we think, "Great! Queue!"
0:03:44 > 0:03:46LAUGHTER
0:03:48 > 0:03:51I'll go back again and queue up!
0:03:51 > 0:03:54I feel like I've come to the country far too late, because before
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Britain joined the Common Market, this must have been paradise.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59LAUGHTER
0:03:59 > 0:04:01It really was paradise, wasn't it?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Only had to go work three days a week...
0:04:06 > 0:04:07So, Eddie, you're pro-EU.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Who is your unlikely ally, it emerged this week?
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Oh, I don't know.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Um... Oh, this is the thing, this is the thing,
0:04:15 > 0:04:17I thought you were just talking to me.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19LAUGHTER
0:04:19 > 0:04:22We have been recording this whole time.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Could it be thinking people of the United Kingdom?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27No, it's Jeremy Clarkson.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30If you can't trust someone who punches a younger man in the face
0:04:30 > 0:04:33when he doesn't get a steak, who CAN you trust?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Jeremy Clarkson said the EU is...
0:04:39 > 0:04:41So why is he in favour of it, then?
0:04:43 > 0:04:47- What special powers did Boris appear to gain this week?- He went home.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52At the time that his wife was expecting him.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53Don't be ridiculous!
0:04:55 > 0:04:56Well, Alistair Higham on Twitter
0:04:56 > 0:05:00thinks he may have been watching too much Star Wars.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Watch how Boris deals with this cameraman.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07LAUGHTER
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- That's... That's scary.- Yeah.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Theresa May has inspired the acronym JAM for those who are
0:05:15 > 0:05:16"just about managing",
0:05:16 > 0:05:18although for some reason, she hasn't come up with a term yet
0:05:18 > 0:05:22for those fat cats who are "cleaning up nicely, thanks".
0:05:22 > 0:05:25LAUGHTER
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Ah, yes - this is news that Toblerone
0:05:29 > 0:05:32has changed the shape of its chocolate bars.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35What's happened is that the traditional pyramid shape of
0:05:35 > 0:05:38the Toblerone, in order to save costs,
0:05:38 > 0:05:40they've actually made the Toblerone gaps bigger.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43As you can see, a lot of these people are very angry about it.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46There we are. That's very amusing.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Fantastic! That is great!
0:05:49 > 0:05:52At what point was it not ludicrous that the presenter of The Apprentice
0:05:52 > 0:05:54in America could become the Commander In Chief?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57It's like saying the presenter of Have I Got News for You could
0:05:57 > 0:05:59become Foreign Secretary...
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Anyway.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02Um...!
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Did you see how the news was reported in the world's press?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Yes, there were some brilliant headlines.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Here is a German newspaper...
0:06:12 > 0:06:14LAUGHTER
0:06:16 > 0:06:20How did Trump echo Martin Luther King in his victory speech?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Well, Martin Luther King had a dream and...this guy's a nightmare.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25LAUGHTER
0:06:25 > 0:06:27APPLAUSE
0:06:28 > 0:06:33- Who would like to see the Dalai Lama take on The Donald?- Yes.- Yes.
0:06:33 > 0:06:34Me.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36- Have you met Donald Trump?- Never.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37What do you think of him?
0:06:37 > 0:06:39I don't know. Sometimes, you see,
0:06:39 > 0:06:42his sort of, the way his hair...
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Something like that,
0:06:44 > 0:06:46and his mouth... Small...
0:06:47 > 0:06:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:53 > 0:06:55He was even condemned by his wife, wasn't he?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Which is sort of pushing it,
0:06:57 > 0:07:01when the future First Lady says, "No, he's appalling!"
0:07:01 > 0:07:05To be fair, that was Michelle Obama's speech she just stole.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08LAUGHTER
0:07:08 > 0:07:10JO BRAND: Who did Trump invite to sit in the front row
0:07:10 > 0:07:12and make Hillary feel weird?
0:07:12 > 0:07:13Was it Putin?
0:07:15 > 0:07:16- No...- Barack's half-brother.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Yes, indeed, that's right.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22He doesn't like his brother, the president. Do you know why?
0:07:22 > 0:07:23Sibling rivalry.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25LAUGHTER
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Well, I suppose it kind of amounts to that.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30I mean, Malik Obama told ITV...
0:07:33 > 0:07:35LAUGHTER
0:07:37 > 0:07:39I think this is about building the wall in Mexico
0:07:39 > 0:07:41and it's up to the Mexicans to pay for it.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43That's not going to happen, is it?
0:07:43 > 0:07:44- It's a thousand miles long.- Yeah.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46They'll get a ladder.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49What he's done is threaten to cut off the billions of dollars
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Mexican immigrants send back from America to Mexico
0:07:52 > 0:07:54unless Mexico make...
0:07:58 > 0:08:03Let's see what the former Mexican president Vicente Fox thought about that idea.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06I'm not going to pay for that... fucking wall.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08LAUGHTER
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Despite Trump's claims, not all of the media is against him.
0:08:15 > 0:08:16One paper has already endorsed him
0:08:16 > 0:08:18on its front page with the headline...
0:08:19 > 0:08:21That's from the Crusader,
0:08:21 > 0:08:24the in-house newspaper of the Ku Klux Klan.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Before you jump to conclusions, it's not all racial hatred -
0:08:27 > 0:08:31it's got regular lifestyle items with tips on sewing and basic woodwork.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35LAUGHTER
0:08:40 > 0:08:42I think this is the contents of the Queen's speech.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44There wasn't a great deal there, she basically said,
0:08:44 > 0:08:46"I'll see you after the referendum."
0:08:46 > 0:08:51It is the 65th Queen's speech at the State Opening of Parliament,
0:08:51 > 0:08:53but what did Justice Secretary Michael Gove,
0:08:53 > 0:08:55what fingerprints did he have all over it?
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Well, there are some quite sensible prison reform measures.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Because now all prisons, they have to become academies.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- LAUGHTER - That's the plan, yeah.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10What had the Queen watched for several hours earlier in the week?
0:09:10 > 0:09:14- It was the Queen's life with... - Told with horses.- Told with horses!
0:09:14 > 0:09:19The horse said, "I remember the day she became Queen."
0:09:19 > 0:09:21LAUGHTER
0:09:21 > 0:09:24And the thing about it, I mean, I'm not like a massive royalist,
0:09:24 > 0:09:27but I was just thinking, like, I love Prince Harry, right?
0:09:27 > 0:09:30I think he's brilliant. Probably for all the wrong reasons.
0:09:30 > 0:09:35I thought it would be amazing if he one day ended up as King
0:09:35 > 0:09:38because to have his life acted out by horses...
0:09:38 > 0:09:40LAUGHTER
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Could you imagine? Just...
0:09:45 > 0:09:47The Queen is 90 years old and still going strong.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50- So it's time for our Quick Queen Quiz.- Right.- Yes!
0:09:50 > 0:09:53TRUMPET PLAYS FANFARE
0:09:54 > 0:09:58To mark the Queen's wartime work as a mechanic,
0:09:58 > 0:10:00what did Kwik-Fit offer to do?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02LAUGHTER
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Get Prince Philip up in the blocks.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Have a look underneath there...
0:10:08 > 0:10:11They sculpted a portrait out of motoring accessories.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Are you sure that's the Queen? It looks like Colonel Gaddafi.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17LAUGHTER
0:10:17 > 0:10:20It was called The Queen Of Parts. Right...
0:10:23 > 0:10:25German magazine Der Spiegel
0:10:25 > 0:10:28put a touching tribute on their front page.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31LAUGHTER
0:10:31 > 0:10:35It was an article specially commissioned by Prince Charles!
0:10:35 > 0:10:37LAUGHTER
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Yes, of course, this is the triumph of the Foxes, Leicester City.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- I know why they won.- Yes.- 4-4-2.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47Oh, really?
0:10:47 > 0:10:49APPLAUSE
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Tell us about that, Ian.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Tell us about 4-4-2(!)
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- Um, well, you've got, um... - Here we go.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01- Ten players together...- Uh-huh...
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- Four of them are in one bit... - Yeah...
0:11:04 > 0:11:06LAUGHTER
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Four of them in another and two right over there in another bit.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11They might get relegated next year, that'd be funny, wouldn't it?
0:11:11 > 0:11:14LAUGHTER
0:11:18 > 0:11:20I didn't watch the parade on telly,
0:11:20 > 0:11:22I followed it on the internet.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24You could track Danny Simpson's tag.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27LAUGHTER
0:11:27 > 0:11:30APPLAUSE
0:11:31 > 0:11:34People getting off doing community service...
0:11:34 > 0:11:37- Tricky.- Just as well, where you come from, innit?
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- Oh, there we go. - AUDIENCE: Ooo-ooh!
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Ooh. Anyway.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- Back to business. - Your crisps are shit.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Where were we? Yes, Ian...
0:11:51 > 0:11:53We were just raising the level of the debate.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56How else are Leicester fans
0:11:56 > 0:11:58capitalising on their team's victory?
0:11:59 > 0:12:03Well, some fans actually are selling jars of Leicester City air...
0:12:03 > 0:12:05ROSS LAUGHS
0:12:05 > 0:12:07- Sorry, I've not... - No, it's going well.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10They've just opened the lid in the ground and closed it again,
0:12:10 > 0:12:13but it was still a better atmosphere than you get at Arsenal.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15GROANS, APPLAUSE
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Yes, this is the shock result that has turned even non-football fans
0:12:21 > 0:12:23like myself into experts.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Leicester Rovers have won the Premier Division Cup.
0:12:26 > 0:12:27LAUGHTER
0:12:27 > 0:12:29It's a wonderfully romantic story, and to think,
0:12:29 > 0:12:32none of it would have happened if the previous manager hadn't
0:12:32 > 0:12:34left the club after his son was sacked for filming his mates
0:12:34 > 0:12:37having an orgy with local women in a Bangkok hotel room.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Yes, that's Panama - someone handing over money.
0:12:47 > 0:12:52It's a massive exposure of this Panamanian company which sets up
0:12:52 > 0:12:55offshore for money-laundering, tax evasion...
0:12:55 > 0:12:57RUMBLING OVERHEAD
0:12:57 > 0:12:59It's Putin.
0:12:59 > 0:13:00LAUGHTER
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Various world leaders have been building up stacks of
0:13:02 > 0:13:06tax-free cash offshore. What has the president of the UAE been
0:13:06 > 0:13:08secretly doing with all his money?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Bought up London property.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Exactly right, yeah.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15He's bought £1.2 billion worth of London properties.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18He's bought half of Oxford Street and parts of Mayfair.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22He didn't get the utilities or the stations, though...
0:13:22 > 0:13:23LAUGHTER
0:13:23 > 0:13:26..which are actually better value.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29On the other hand, it does keep Britain safe, in a way.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Because for as long as the president of Bananistan
0:13:32 > 0:13:36has got his ill-gotten money squirrelled away in UK property,
0:13:36 > 0:13:38they're not going to attack the UK.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43So eventually, you don't need MI5, MI6 and anything,
0:13:43 > 0:13:46all you need is Foxton's.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:51 > 0:13:54The first casualty of the scandal was Iceland's Prime Minister,
0:13:54 > 0:13:56who has been forced to resign.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59He's also in danger of having his assets frozen.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03Still, that's what happens if you go sunbathing in Reykjavik.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Ronnie Corbett, that one's for you.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08LAUGHTER
0:14:08 > 0:14:10APPLAUSE
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Ah, yes, this is the new Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Lots of people getting out and voting.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21This is the various elections we've had.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25What camping metaphor did Sadiq Khan use to describe Labour's future?
0:14:25 > 0:14:28We have to appeal to people outside of our own tents.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Yeah, that's almost exactly it, he said...
0:14:34 > 0:14:37To which, Jeremy Corbyn quickly responded...
0:14:42 > 0:14:45It's just that everybody else is outside, pissing into it.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49Boris Johnson's term as Mayor of our capital city
0:14:49 > 0:14:52has come to an end after eight years,
0:14:52 > 0:14:55so let's take the opportunity to look back at his time in office.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57What is going on here?
0:14:57 > 0:15:00He looks like a Ukip supporter bauble.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02LAUGHTER
0:15:07 > 0:15:11Tim, you've been fighting hard to put the Lib Dems back on the map.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Let's have a look at some footage from the Lib Dem party
0:15:15 > 0:15:18conference a few weeks back, just to see how well it's going.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22Do you know which political party is having a conference here this week?
0:15:22 > 0:15:23I don't know.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Have you any idea?
0:15:25 > 0:15:26SPEECH DROWNED BY LAUGHTER
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Couldn't tell you. I didn't realise there was one. Is there?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31The TUC were here.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32Are they still here?
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Do you know which political party has got its conference going
0:15:35 > 0:15:37- on here at the moment? - Yeah, that one there.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39What do you think of them?
0:15:39 > 0:15:41What do I think of 'em? Who are they?
0:15:41 > 0:15:43LAUGHTER
0:15:43 > 0:15:45It's going well. Going well.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Suzanne, surely you must still be tempted to rejoin the Tory party.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50- No.- Leave all those Ukip nutters behind.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53No, they're not nutters. No, no, no.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55They're a great bunch of people, Ukip, and I'm sticking with Ukip.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Well, at least, I hope, if they let me back in! Please!
0:15:58 > 0:16:00- You're suspended for what, six months?- Six months.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03- Are you going to appeal? - I absolutely am.- Try and get a year?
0:16:03 > 0:16:04Yeah.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05LAUGHTER
0:16:05 > 0:16:08APPLAUSE
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Jeremy Corbyn didn't do well in Scotland because people in Scotland
0:16:14 > 0:16:18don't trust anyone who looks old but still has teeth.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21In other news this week, Jeremy Corbyn announced
0:16:21 > 0:16:23he will be playing Glastonbury,
0:16:23 > 0:16:25although he's refused to appear on the Pyramid Stage
0:16:25 > 0:16:28as he's opposed to any sort of hierarchical structure.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30LAUGHTER
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- JOE WILKINSON: - That's, er...that's a woman.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Quite a big, can I say that? Big bum?
0:16:39 > 0:16:42That's the fella she's with, nice fella.
0:16:45 > 0:16:46Did I get it right?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50So, what is the story about these people?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53There's already a TV series at the minute which just finished
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- on BBC Two, and that is The Trial... - What, with them in it?
0:16:56 > 0:16:58..Of OJ Simpson.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Well, Kim Kardashian's father
0:17:00 > 0:17:03was one of the men responsible for getting OJ off,
0:17:03 > 0:17:05and then he died of karma, I mean, cancer. And then...
0:17:07 > 0:17:09APPLAUSE
0:17:09 > 0:17:11This is the massive mainstream news
0:17:11 > 0:17:14that Kim Kardashian actually came to London this week.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Ian, I feel like I haven't given you enough opportunity to show
0:17:17 > 0:17:21- your knowledge on the Kardashian family.- No.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25So, I will give you a point for every Kardashian sister you can name.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Just move on, let's just move on.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33I didn't actually know she had sisters.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38I'm just getting over the fact that Kanye West isn't a constituency.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42APPLAUSE
0:17:44 > 0:17:47You know what, it's a dynasty, and it's kind of worth learning about.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49I think they've earned their place at this point...
0:17:49 > 0:17:51No, what the fuck do they do?!
0:17:51 > 0:17:54How have they earned their place?
0:17:54 > 0:17:56What do they do?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58APPLAUSE
0:17:58 > 0:17:59In other femi-news,
0:17:59 > 0:18:03where did women narrowly fail to break down a sexist barrier?
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Muirfield Golf Club, they've refused to have women playing golf.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08That's it.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11And therefore they can't have the Open Golf Championship there.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Do women actually want to join this club?
0:18:13 > 0:18:16- I mean, they sound ghastly. - It does sound awful.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Not a member of a club yourself, old boy?
0:18:18 > 0:18:20I'm a member of a couple of clubs.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- Oh, ah!- Um...
0:18:22 > 0:18:24- Tell us.- Er...
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Yeah...?
0:18:27 > 0:18:29- Go on.- Is it the Alzheimer's League?
0:18:34 > 0:18:38Yes, top BBC golfing commentator Peter Alliss told the Telegraph:
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Does he even know how competitive
0:18:50 > 0:18:52the "marry a rich old white guy" market is?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57How many Jerry Halls do I have to punch in the tit
0:18:57 > 0:19:00just to get a free gin and tonic?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- Ah, well, that looks like Heathrow. - Good news.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Good news for people who live near Gatwick.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13It might not happen.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15It's got to meet all these requirements.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17But aren't they European requirements,
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- so that's not really going to be any...?- No, that's not a problem.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23But don't the aeroplanes have to go from here to somewhere?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25So it might still be a European thing.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26Oh, yes, absolutely.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29It might just be internal flights after Brexit.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30LAUGHTER
0:19:30 > 0:19:34I don't think anyone's going anywhere, and they're certainly not coming here!
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Depends how big it is!
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Maybe you'll get a flight from terminal six to terminal one.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Can I be narrowly parochial for a moment?
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- Oh, God, is this the Rhondda? - Yes, it is.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48I'm sorry, well, just for the rest of the country,
0:19:48 > 0:19:50I think you'll find that Gatwick's really on the wrong side of London.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53It's the right side of London for most of the rest of the world.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55LAUGHTER
0:19:57 > 0:20:00APPLAUSE
0:20:00 > 0:20:03How much do you think we'll make from it financially?
0:20:03 > 0:20:04Bazillions.
0:20:04 > 0:20:05Sorry, how many?
0:20:05 > 0:20:08- Bazillions. - I thought you said Brazilians.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11It was just a random thought, you were sitting there.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14We'll be rich enough for every citizen to get a free waxing.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Whether they want it or not.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20- It's the future for our economy. - Exactly!
0:20:20 > 0:20:22We could be the waxing hub of the world.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26We could become the rip-off merchants of the world.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28GROANING
0:20:28 > 0:20:30You'll all be using it tomorrow.
0:20:30 > 0:20:31You're getting it now.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Some of you saw it on Teletext at the bottom, didn't you?
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Yes, Boris has been vocal against it
0:20:37 > 0:20:40and, um, has he resigned too?
0:20:40 > 0:20:41- No.- No!
0:20:41 > 0:20:42Has he not?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44He's written a couple of pieces - one pro...
0:20:44 > 0:20:46LAUGHTER
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Boris Johnson is on record as saying that if a third runway
0:20:49 > 0:20:51at Heathrow went ahead he would...
0:20:53 > 0:20:56I think the only word of that that any of us believe is lie.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58LAUGHTER
0:20:59 > 0:21:03In the final of Robot MasterChef the title's in the bag for the ZX1E,
0:21:03 > 0:21:05unless he makes a mistake with the boiled egg.
0:21:15 > 0:21:20On his way to Crufts, one impatient driver gets stuck in a traffic jam.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22HORN HONKS
0:21:27 > 0:21:29More extraordinary footage emerges on Planet Earth II
0:21:29 > 0:21:33when David Attenborough goes filming as the pubs close in Glasgow.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41At the BBC, news reaches the dressing room
0:21:41 > 0:21:44that Piers Morgan has pulled out of Question Time.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56And after a long day's recording, there's a sense of deja vu
0:21:56 > 0:21:58for the producers of Top Gear
0:21:58 > 0:22:01as they fail to provide Chris Evans with a steak.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07LAUGHTER
0:22:08 > 0:22:13And so, to round two. Shall we play a game of Whose Bald Bonce Is This?
0:22:13 > 0:22:16- Yes.- Right, teams, fingers on buzzers.
0:22:16 > 0:22:17Here's your first bald bonce.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23- BUZZER Who's that?- Iain Duncan Smith.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25- Yes, it is.- Hooray!
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Ian, you made him cry, didn't you?
0:22:28 > 0:22:29Um...
0:22:29 > 0:22:32APPLAUSE
0:22:34 > 0:22:35I did.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39I made a documentary about Victorian benefits,
0:22:39 > 0:22:43and I asked him some questions about the poor law, and workhouses,
0:22:43 > 0:22:46and he suddenly started crying when he told me
0:22:46 > 0:22:52about this young girl who had no start in life and he wanted to help.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56And then people said, "Well, what did you do when he cried,
0:22:56 > 0:22:57"did you comfort him?"
0:22:57 > 0:23:00And I said, "No, it's Iain Duncan Smith."
0:23:04 > 0:23:08- Who is that?- Bobby Charlton. - Right profession.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Somebody old in football, is that it?
0:23:10 > 0:23:12He will be thrilled to hear that.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14It's Ray Wilkins.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16- Why has he been in the news? - He hasn't.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19LAUGHTER
0:23:23 > 0:23:24Suck it up.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30This game needs a little bit of refining, I think.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE THEME TUNE
0:23:39 > 0:23:42- I've always wanted to do this! - Fingers on buzzers.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Why are there 12 stars on the EU flag?
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Is that how many times we've won the World Cup?
0:23:47 > 0:23:50You have to press your button! BUZZER
0:23:50 > 0:23:51Jason.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56- It's us. It's us.- What?
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Oh, sorry.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01That's one of the things they test when you go to university,
0:24:01 > 0:24:03can you spot a light coming on?
0:24:05 > 0:24:07I was looking over there. I didn't know there were lights.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11It's nice in the winter months, though.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13What was the question?
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Oh, because there were originally 12 member states.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17No.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19There is no reason.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21There just are 12, arranged in a circle,
0:24:21 > 0:24:24that apparently symbolises unity.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25Or it may not.
0:24:26 > 0:24:31In 1866, Lichtenstein sent its entire army of 80 soldiers
0:24:31 > 0:24:33off to the Austro-Prussian War.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36What was unusual about the number of soldiers that returned?
0:24:36 > 0:24:38BUZZER
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Merton, Merton.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45- Do I have to go like this? - He wasn't at Merton.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Merton, Life.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55- BELL Jason, Hislop.- There was more.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57- What?- There was more, I was going to say.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00- Yes, do you know the...?- I don't know, is that the actual answer?
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Yeah, yeah, because when they got there,
0:25:04 > 0:25:07they just started chatting to someone who was dead nice.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10- He was really nice. - Lovely uniform, brass buttons.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13- They look after you.- Yes, 80 went to war. And 81 came back.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18They'd...they'd been forbidden to engage in any form of
0:25:18 > 0:25:20military combat so none were killed,
0:25:20 > 0:25:23and then an Italian joined up because he was looking for work.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30BUZZER
0:25:30 > 0:25:33A goose has been travelling on the train without a season ticket.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36It's been travelling from Brighton to Guildford for the last five years,
0:25:36 > 0:25:39and it's not his card, he's using somebody else's.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Well, that's nearly right, but it's a duck on an aeroplane.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Oh, it's a duck on an aeroplane.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47This is the news that a duck has been providing comfort
0:25:47 > 0:25:50to nervous flyers on a flight across America.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54He quacks to soothe his nervous owner and is called an:
0:25:57 > 0:25:58Oh, you've just made this up.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02According to the Telegraph, Daniel the duck was wearing:
0:26:04 > 0:26:05Brilliant.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07If I was having an anxiety attack on a plane,
0:26:07 > 0:26:13the sight of a duck in little red boots would not calm me at all.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16And how did he pass the time mid-flight, for example?
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- How did he pass the time?- Given that we've never heard of him before...
0:26:19 > 0:26:21- Sudoku!- He looked out of the window.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24LAUGHTER
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Having a gander!
0:26:28 > 0:26:30APPLAUSE
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Thank you.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36- Shall we move on to other animal news?- Why not?- Other animal news?
0:26:36 > 0:26:39- Why not?- What record has a Peterborough hen set this week?
0:26:39 > 0:26:44- Most eggs.- No, it laid the biggest ever egg. Here it is.- Wow!
0:26:45 > 0:26:49- Whoa!- Do we not get a picture of the chicken that laid that egg?
0:26:49 > 0:26:52No, it's in intensive care, I imagine.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59BELL
0:26:59 > 0:27:01- Is it Essex women? - That's it, yes.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04The term Essex girl was in the dictionary,
0:27:04 > 0:27:07and this is the news that two girls from Essex
0:27:07 > 0:27:09are trying to get that term removed.
0:27:09 > 0:27:10Collins defines it as:
0:27:13 > 0:27:15- Doesn't seem too bad. - That's all right.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Why would anyone have a problem with that?
0:27:25 > 0:27:29And who's come out in support of Juliet and Natasha's campaign?
0:27:29 > 0:27:31The Archbishop of Canterbury.
0:27:31 > 0:27:35- No, it was a star of Ian's favourite show, Gemma Collins.- Towie?
0:27:35 > 0:27:36Here she is.
0:27:36 > 0:27:41It is absolutely outrageous in today's society that the dictionary,
0:27:41 > 0:27:43which...I'm a massive fan of the dictionary.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47You know, we should be, like, promoting the dictionary anyway,
0:27:47 > 0:27:50because, like, it is such an amazing, like,
0:27:50 > 0:27:52historical British thing, isn't it?
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Every story ever written's in the dictionary.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59You've just got to put the words in the right order.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06BUZZER
0:28:06 > 0:28:07Yes.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09It's a Samsung phone - Galaxy 7 or something.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11It's catching fire.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14It's one of the things it's not meant to do.
0:28:14 > 0:28:15It's got a fire app on it.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17That's the right answer, basically, yeah.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Yeah, this is news Samsung have scrapped its
0:28:19 > 0:28:22Galaxy Note 7 after the phones keep exploding.
0:28:22 > 0:28:26Why is this particularly damaging for Samsung?
0:28:26 > 0:28:28- Well, they're a phone company.- Yes.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30LAUGHTER
0:28:31 > 0:28:33And they make them.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37Samsung also supplied customers with an elaborate kit
0:28:37 > 0:28:39to return their phones, which included...
0:28:47 > 0:28:50And they thoughtfully provided...
0:28:52 > 0:28:54..or a hotline, if you will.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:00 > 0:29:02Time now for the odd one out round.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05Marina Stepanova, MC Hammer,
0:29:05 > 0:29:08- Sara Blizzard, and Dr Henry Heimlich.- Ah!
0:29:08 > 0:29:12Out of all those, Dr Henry Heimlich, who invented the Heimlich manoeuvre,
0:29:12 > 0:29:13this was an interesting story last week,
0:29:13 > 0:29:17I think he's in a sort of care home now at the age of 96
0:29:17 > 0:29:19and a fellow resident started choking,
0:29:19 > 0:29:22and he was on hand to do the Heimlich manoeuvre
0:29:22 > 0:29:26and it's the first time ever he's actually been called upon to do it.
0:29:26 > 0:29:28And saved this woman's life.
0:29:28 > 0:29:29There he's obviously attacking that woman,
0:29:29 > 0:29:33so he's got a dark side to him.
0:29:33 > 0:29:37- So, who are the other people that you mentioned?- Marina Stepanova.
0:29:37 > 0:29:40- Yeah.- She does the hurdles. "Steppin' over."
0:29:41 > 0:29:44400m hurdles, though. Really high.
0:29:47 > 0:29:49APPLAUSE
0:29:50 > 0:29:53- Bottom left, Sara Blizzard, did you say?- Sara Blizzard.
0:29:53 > 0:29:55- She's a weather woman. - Sara Blizzard is a weather presenter
0:29:55 > 0:29:57for East Midlands Today,
0:29:57 > 0:30:00taking over from the much-loved Karen Pissing-it-down.
0:30:02 > 0:30:04Yes, they all have highly appropriate names apart from
0:30:04 > 0:30:07MC Hammer, who recently revealed that he's scared of hammering.
0:30:07 > 0:30:11In a recent interview he said...
0:30:16 > 0:30:18How did Dr Heimlich play a pivotal role
0:30:18 > 0:30:22in the engagement of Carrie Fisher and Dan Aykroyd?
0:30:23 > 0:30:26- Did Carrie Fisher do the Heimlich manoeuvre to Dan Aykroyd?- No.
0:30:26 > 0:30:27Dan's doing it to Carrie?
0:30:27 > 0:30:30Dan saved Carrie's life by performing the Heimlich manoeuvre
0:30:30 > 0:30:32after she choked on a Brussels sprout.
0:30:32 > 0:30:35- I don't know why that's funny. - Bloody Brussels!
0:30:41 > 0:30:42There are loads of great names.
0:30:42 > 0:30:45Buzz if you can tell me the occupation of the following people.
0:30:45 > 0:30:47These are all genuine. Les McBurney.
0:30:47 > 0:30:48- BUZZER - Fireman!
0:30:48 > 0:30:52Yes, from Wisconsin. Bath Toothman.
0:30:52 > 0:30:54- BUZZER - Plumber!
0:30:54 > 0:30:55LAUGHTER
0:30:58 > 0:31:00- Dentist.- Very good. Dentist.
0:31:00 > 0:31:02Mark De Man.
0:31:03 > 0:31:04BELL
0:31:04 > 0:31:05Rapper.
0:31:05 > 0:31:07Professional footballer.
0:31:07 > 0:31:08Professional killer.
0:31:08 > 0:31:11He's a footballer. Ian, of course you'd get that.
0:31:11 > 0:31:13- Oh, the full name.- Mark De Man, a defender I would guess.
0:31:13 > 0:31:15- Yes!- Oh, Mark De Man!
0:31:15 > 0:31:17LAUGHTER
0:31:17 > 0:31:19Wait a minute. Wait a minute!
0:31:19 > 0:31:21APPLAUSE
0:31:21 > 0:31:24- There's something strange going on here.- Yes.
0:31:24 > 0:31:27Ian Hislop's voice isn't quite the same as it normally is.
0:31:27 > 0:31:30And the Ian Hislop I know knows nothing about football.
0:31:34 > 0:31:37It's Ross Kemp in an Ian Hislop suit.
0:31:37 > 0:31:39- Leave it- aht! Leave it!
0:31:42 > 0:31:46The instance of a name being linked to what you do is known as:
0:31:47 > 0:31:52A phrase first suggested by linguistics expert Norman Ative
0:31:52 > 0:31:54and his German colleague Dieter Minism.
0:31:56 > 0:31:57Oh, wow.
0:31:57 > 0:31:59Brilliant.
0:31:59 > 0:32:02APPLAUSE
0:32:05 > 0:32:08This has got an end-of-series feel about it, hasn't it?
0:32:08 > 0:32:10You wouldn't dare put that on the first show.
0:32:10 > 0:32:13- No, all the jokes that got left lying around.- Scrape them up.
0:32:13 > 0:32:15I'll do 'em.
0:32:18 > 0:32:19Pot Black snooker.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21The Biami tribe.
0:32:21 > 0:32:25The Natural Environment Research Council's polar research vessel
0:32:25 > 0:32:28and the fossilised egg of an elephant bird.
0:32:28 > 0:32:32Well, we know about the polar vessel because people voted for it
0:32:32 > 0:32:34to be called Boaty McBoatface.
0:32:34 > 0:32:38And Boring McBoringface in the government decided that was wrong.
0:32:38 > 0:32:42They're going to call it the Sir David Attenborough, but that prompted a petition,
0:32:42 > 0:32:44rather wonderfully, for Sir David Attenborough
0:32:44 > 0:32:47to change his name by deed poll to Sir David McDavidface.
0:32:47 > 0:32:50I would say it's about changing your name.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53- It's not called Pot Black any more.- Yeah.
0:32:53 > 0:32:56- Every Colour Is Equal, it's called now.- Is it?
0:32:57 > 0:33:00Is there a link to David Attenborough here?
0:33:00 > 0:33:03Ah, yes, cos David Attenborough was the controller of BBC Two
0:33:03 > 0:33:05when he commissioned Pot Black back in 1969.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08It was a programme made for colour TV, as it was.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11Did he discover all these apart from...? Which one didn't he...?
0:33:11 > 0:33:13- Boaty McBoatface.- That is the odd one out because he didn't
0:33:13 > 0:33:16discover that but he was named after it, or something.
0:33:16 > 0:33:18- Is the right answer.- Hurray!
0:33:18 > 0:33:21APPLAUSE
0:33:21 > 0:33:24They're all known thanks to the work of Sir David Attenborough, apart from
0:33:24 > 0:33:29the UK's new polar research vessel, which is going to be named after him.
0:33:29 > 0:33:32I don't know if you followed the whole Boaty McBoatface thing.
0:33:32 > 0:33:34I thought it could have gone a lot worse if you were asking
0:33:34 > 0:33:37the British public to decide on something.
0:33:37 > 0:33:39They're lucky it wasn't called Harold Shipman.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41LAUGHTER
0:33:44 > 0:33:47I sort of feel bad for not getting the joke. Everybody loved it.
0:33:47 > 0:33:50I just think putting Mc in front of something
0:33:50 > 0:33:52doesn't necessarily make it funny.
0:33:52 > 0:33:54Look at Michael McIntyre.
0:33:56 > 0:33:58APPLAUSE
0:33:58 > 0:34:02Naming contests are notorious for going awry.
0:34:02 > 0:34:06What forced American fizzy drinks brand Mountain Dew to ignore
0:34:06 > 0:34:10a public vote to name its new apple-flavoured drink in 2012?
0:34:11 > 0:34:13It was won by the name...
0:34:18 > 0:34:20Submitted by Ken.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24- Mountain Jew?- Mountain Dew!
0:34:26 > 0:34:30The hitherto unknown Biami tribe of Papua New Guinea were discovered by
0:34:30 > 0:34:34David Attenborough while filming a documentary in 1971.
0:34:34 > 0:34:37What did David Attenborough do with the egg from the gigantic
0:34:37 > 0:34:39but extinct elephant bird?
0:34:39 > 0:34:41He had to put it together because...
0:34:41 > 0:34:43Yeah, put it all back together.
0:34:43 > 0:34:46He reconstructed it from over 1,000 pieces.
0:34:46 > 0:34:48Here's what he started out with.
0:34:49 > 0:34:50And here's his first attempt.
0:34:50 > 0:34:55LAUGHTER
0:34:55 > 0:34:58Sir David was so delighted to hear that the boat had been
0:34:58 > 0:35:01named after him that he celebrated his birthday
0:35:01 > 0:35:03by cracking a bottle of champagne across his own face.
0:35:05 > 0:35:08What could be a more appropriate 90th birthday gift for
0:35:08 > 0:35:12David Attenborough than to give his name to polar research vessel
0:35:12 > 0:35:16as they both begin a long, cold journey to a place of endless night?
0:35:16 > 0:35:19LAUGHTER AND GASPING
0:35:21 > 0:35:23Happy birthday, Sir David!
0:35:26 > 0:35:29Time now for the missing words round. And we start with:
0:35:35 > 0:35:36Sandwich.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40Are still in charge of Brexit negotiations.
0:35:42 > 0:35:45New-look Spice Girls are back.
0:35:50 > 0:35:51The answer is:
0:35:54 > 0:35:58Language historian Dr Todd Gray MBE has been researching
0:35:58 > 0:36:00Britain's best old-fashioned swear words.
0:36:00 > 0:36:03Also including nippy, tarse and wittol.
0:36:03 > 0:36:05And before you write in to complain,
0:36:05 > 0:36:08I can use these words as it's after the 1648 watershed.
0:36:09 > 0:36:10Next:
0:36:13 > 0:36:15Fuckface McGee?
0:36:15 > 0:36:18LAUGHTER
0:36:18 > 0:36:21That's the only one I can think of.
0:36:21 > 0:36:23The answer is...
0:36:28 > 0:36:31Dopey Dick was a killer whale who first came to Northern Ireland in
0:36:31 > 0:36:34the '70s, and he's now Minister For Education in the Stormont government.
0:36:36 > 0:36:37Next...
0:36:40 > 0:36:41Pours chocolate sauce over Labrador.
0:36:42 > 0:36:44Ices own paunch.
0:36:48 > 0:36:52That's excellent. I think that's the best answer we've ever had.
0:36:54 > 0:36:58Ices his own paunch? That's a fantastic sentence. It's poetry.
0:36:58 > 0:37:02That should be the answer to every single question from now on.
0:37:02 > 0:37:03Do you know what he did?
0:37:07 > 0:37:08And here they are.
0:37:10 > 0:37:13Next:
0:37:14 > 0:37:15Heads for Mexican border.
0:37:20 > 0:37:22APPLAUSE
0:37:22 > 0:37:26Bus disguised as brick wall seeks similar.
0:37:29 > 0:37:31It's:
0:37:33 > 0:37:34Here is the bus.
0:37:35 > 0:37:37Next:
0:37:42 > 0:37:46If you support Leicester City.
0:37:46 > 0:37:48Is it "if you are alive"?
0:37:51 > 0:37:53Oh, Ian!
0:38:02 > 0:38:03Next...
0:38:08 > 0:38:10The return of the colour avocado.
0:38:12 > 0:38:14Norovirus.
0:38:14 > 0:38:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:38:23 > 0:38:25Next...
0:38:27 > 0:38:28Donald Trump.
0:38:28 > 0:38:30Piers Morgan.
0:38:30 > 0:38:32- Skydiving.- No.
0:38:37 > 0:38:39Yes, an American man...
0:38:39 > 0:38:42Is there a special button on the computer you should never press?
0:38:43 > 0:38:46An American man took sleeping pills and awoke the next day
0:38:46 > 0:38:48to find he'd been shopping at an online company called...
0:38:51 > 0:38:55The unnamed man cancelled the order for over 3,000, explaining...
0:39:01 > 0:39:02We should stop using that name,
0:39:02 > 0:39:05Jerry Hall is Googling it and looking for wedding venues.
0:39:07 > 0:39:09And finally:
0:39:12 > 0:39:13Milk!
0:39:13 > 0:39:15In bottles. Milk in bottles.
0:39:15 > 0:39:19Yeah, in trendy parts of London, they want...they want, um,
0:39:19 > 0:39:22- milk in bottles because it's somehow real.- Yes.
0:39:27 > 0:39:31Yes. Hipster milk comes in skimmed, semi-skimmed and full twat.
0:39:35 > 0:39:39Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:39:39 > 0:39:42Don't put your keys in me, I'm not a handbag yet.
0:39:45 > 0:39:47Is it a meeting of EWE-kip?
0:39:47 > 0:39:48Oh, very good!
0:39:48 > 0:39:50- Nice.- Cos there's only one of them.
0:39:50 > 0:39:53See, I was thinking it was looking at a bus and going,
0:39:53 > 0:39:55"350 million...rubbish!"
0:39:55 > 0:39:57LAUGHTER
0:39:57 > 0:39:59APPLAUSE
0:40:00 > 0:40:02The Empire Strikes BAKE.
0:40:03 > 0:40:05Ohhh!
0:40:05 > 0:40:07APPLAUSE
0:40:07 > 0:40:09They're just bodyguards, don't you think?
0:40:09 > 0:40:11To protect her from being stolen by Channel 4.
0:40:13 > 0:40:17They've got Imperial stormtroopers surrounding Mary at all moments.
0:40:17 > 0:40:20Paul Hollywood, little droid.
0:40:21 > 0:40:22Mary...
0:40:22 > 0:40:25HE HUMS IMPERIAL MARCH FROM STAR WARS
0:40:28 > 0:40:31- Are you having one of your turns again, Ian?- Yeah.
0:40:32 > 0:40:35You wanted me to point it out next time it happened, do you remember?
0:40:35 > 0:40:37Thanks, thanks, sorry.
0:40:37 > 0:40:41He gets a nosebleed when he starts dealing with popular culture.
0:40:42 > 0:40:44And I leave you with news that
0:40:44 > 0:40:47arriving in Brussels for a mini-break,
0:40:47 > 0:40:49one woman gets a nasty surprise
0:40:49 > 0:40:51as she tries to change her pounds into euros.
0:40:54 > 0:40:58APPLAUSE
0:40:59 > 0:41:01At Claridge's in London, the chefs react quickly
0:41:01 > 0:41:04as Gordon Ramsay falls into the deep fat fryer.
0:41:08 > 0:41:11An old showbiz double act are forced to go back on road
0:41:11 > 0:41:13with their Catch The Peanut routine.
0:41:19 > 0:41:22And as more revelations about BHS emerge,
0:41:22 > 0:41:24Philip Green poses for a photo shoot
0:41:24 > 0:41:27in a doomed attempt to show he's not a prick.
0:41:34 > 0:41:35Goodnight.