0:00:02 > 0:00:05- What have I let myself in for? - Not the first time you've said that.
0:00:07 > 0:00:14This programme contains very strong language.
0:00:31 > 0:00:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Nick Clegg.
0:00:49 > 0:00:50In the news this week -
0:00:50 > 0:00:54on the train to Newcastle, Jeremy Corbyn's claim that all the
0:00:54 > 0:00:56seats were taken is further undermined by
0:00:56 > 0:00:59what his advisers were up to in the next carriage.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10After a decisive Brexit Cabinet meeting, Theresa May is
0:01:10 > 0:01:13relieved to have settled on a clear direction for the nation.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27And at his constituency in Surrey, Michael Gove reflects on the
0:01:27 > 0:01:31possibility of anyone in politics trusting him ever again.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35Never. Never. Never.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36On Ian's team tonight
0:01:36 > 0:01:40is a comedian who has given advice to anxious school kids, saying,
0:01:40 > 0:01:44"People need to relax and try not to get too stressed out over results."
0:01:44 > 0:01:48I could have done with you in May 2015. Please welcome Kevin Bridges.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:56 > 0:01:59And with Paul tonight is a comedian who admits she's not great at
0:01:59 > 0:02:03timekeeping, saying, "Minutes sneak away from me.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05"They leave in groups of ten."
0:02:05 > 0:02:08You call them minutes, I call them voters.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Please welcome Roisin Conaty.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:14 > 0:02:16And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Paul and Roisin, take a look at this.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25This is the Ukip clock, which moves very, very quickly.
0:02:27 > 0:02:28She's winding it up with her hands.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30This is Nigel Farage, who finds everything funny.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34This is the man who may or may not have been in a fight.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35Collapsed. He's all right now.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39He's in hospital, but he's got his European health insurance card.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Exactly.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Yes, who's the man who was involved in the altercation?
0:02:43 > 0:02:48- His second name's like...- Mike. - ..hook...- Hooker..- ..jab, punch.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50- Mike Head-butt. - ROISIN:- Jimmy "The Hand".
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Ricky "Scarface" Fritzini.
0:02:53 > 0:02:58Ukip MEP Mike Hookem, who's also Ukip's defence spokesman...
0:03:01 > 0:03:04APPLAUSE
0:03:04 > 0:03:09..and there was speculation that Hookem had gone on the run from French police.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Triggs on Twitter tweeted...
0:03:18 > 0:03:21APPLAUSE
0:03:21 > 0:03:24It's good that they're literally having a leadership battle,
0:03:24 > 0:03:26though, isn't it?
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Yeah, other parties do it in metaphors.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Ukip, they smack each other in the head.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33We should say that Mike Hookem denies there was any violence
0:03:33 > 0:03:35or that he was pursued by the police.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36But why are they still going?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39They're called the United Kingdom Independence Party. You've done it.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Go away. What are they doing on a day-to-day basis?
0:03:42 > 0:03:45What... What's in their... What's in their to-do list?
0:03:46 > 0:03:49You could ask that of any pol...politician.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Politicians sometimes ask themselves, actually.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57They're there to make sure that there's no backsliding,
0:03:57 > 0:04:00that there's not some huge resurgence lead, say, by Nick.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Why on earth did Diane quit as leader after 18 days?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08The way she was waving there,
0:04:08 > 0:04:10she found it hard to maintain for 18 days.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Repetitive strain injury. Is that right?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17No, according to the BBC, she cited...
0:04:19 > 0:04:22So that pretty much covers everything.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25She also felt she didn't have the support of her colleagues.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Is there any evidence to support this?
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Well, the fact that Farage was basically hanging...
0:04:30 > 0:04:32waiting to come back in.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35- He must have wanted her to go. - He's on a bungee rope, essentially.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39They don't seem a harmonious bunch. Just basing that on Mike Hookem...
0:04:39 > 0:04:41beating that guy to a pulp.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Allegedly.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49One political commentator tweeted a senior Ukip source who was
0:04:49 > 0:04:53blaming it on a rift between James and Ukip MEPs, adding...
0:05:03 > 0:05:05- What does that even mean?- I know.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08So, they were at one table and she was at another table?
0:05:08 > 0:05:11- Completely on her own.- Like the kids' table?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13That's horrendous.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15We've got to get rid of these goons.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19There was one pretty clear giveaway that Diane wasn't too keen to
0:05:19 > 0:05:21do the job. What was that?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23"I don't want the job," she said.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Apparently, when she signed the official forms to take over
0:05:26 > 0:05:31the party leadership, Diane had added, in Latin, the words...
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Are you serious? Are they like the Mafia?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- What is Latin for "under duress"? - Underus duressenum.
0:05:44 > 0:05:45APPLAUSE
0:05:45 > 0:05:48You should be in Harry Potter.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51It's vi coactus.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Vi coactus. Fantastic.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56- Or, in Diane's case, vi coactare. - Vi coactare.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00I'm going to write that under everything I write from now on.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04"Amber Rudd was involved in a number of failed businesses before
0:06:04 > 0:06:06"becoming Home Secretary.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09"Vi coactare."
0:06:10 > 0:06:14This is quite a bleak story, isn't it?
0:06:14 > 0:06:17A woman is writing "under duress", like, sort of...
0:06:17 > 0:06:19She hasn't got a friend in the world.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22The only thing she can do is write a help message in Latin.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Someday, somebody will pick up on it and be able to figure out
0:06:25 > 0:06:27what had happened to this poor woman.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30She must have hoped that Boris would read it somehow.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Charge in to the rescue.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36One reason suggested for Diane quitting was an unpleasant incident
0:06:36 > 0:06:38where she was spat at at Waterloo station.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41But it's not the first time she's been faced with
0:06:41 > 0:06:43a thuggish man's spittle.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45AUDIENCE GROANS
0:06:45 > 0:06:49- KEVIN:- Looks like a Listerine advert, doesn't it?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51So, Farage is back as leader.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Or is he? Sky News had a good way of dealing with any confusion.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58They captured an interview with Farage like this.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07What did Farage say when asked if
0:07:07 > 0:07:09he would return permanently as leader?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12He said, "Never, no, absolutely not."
0:07:12 > 0:07:16Did somebody not say, would he do it for ten million, and he said no?
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Asked if he'd do it for 20 million, he replied...
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Sod it, I'll do it if they're offering that much.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Farage has got more exciting things to do these days.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30What's he up to this weekend?
0:07:30 > 0:07:33This is the debate with Trump.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34He's going to offer his advice.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37He's off to support fellow demagogue and post-truth moron
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Donald Trump in the second presidential debate.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42There are rumours that Nigel...
0:07:42 > 0:07:45It's all right now, saying it like it is, isn't it?
0:07:46 > 0:07:50- Do you still speak to David Cameron, Nick?- Anyway, moving on.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Do you still phone him up when you're drunk?
0:07:55 > 0:07:58APPLAUSE
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Nigel will be giving Trump tips on how to defeat Hillary.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08What does the Daily Mail think specifically qualifies him to
0:08:08 > 0:08:12- do that?- Because he's won a huge referendum.- No, it's not quite...
0:08:12 > 0:08:14According to the Mail...
0:08:19 > 0:08:24- Thanks for that, chaps.- So it's all your fault?- Yeah, most things are.
0:08:24 > 0:08:29Or were. What sort of advice will he give Trump?
0:08:29 > 0:08:31"Just go out there and enjoy yourself."
0:08:38 > 0:08:41"Get in there early, go for the big lie first.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45"If you vote for me, 350 billion will be given."
0:08:46 > 0:08:49"Each child in America will be given an extra leg."
0:08:52 > 0:08:55I think... I don't know how you feel about this, Nick, but I think
0:08:55 > 0:08:59if you make promises and you get elected based on them...
0:09:00 > 0:09:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:02 > 0:09:05No, no, not being...
0:09:05 > 0:09:09I don't think people should be allowed to say things and huge
0:09:09 > 0:09:12events happen because of what they said. It's fraud. Do you agree?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Especially with £350 million on the side...
0:09:14 > 0:09:16If you put it on the side of a bus, then...
0:09:16 > 0:09:19I don't want to live in a world where you cannot trust what
0:09:19 > 0:09:20is written on the side of a bus.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Farage and Trump feels like, you know when, in movies,
0:09:25 > 0:09:28where they use two bad guys from two separate franchises
0:09:28 > 0:09:31and then put them in one film?
0:09:31 > 0:09:35- It feels like Predator versus... What's the one?- Alien.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39- Alien. But with racism.- Oh, no, he's not very keen on aliens.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41It's an interesting dynamic because Trump is always very,
0:09:41 > 0:09:44very angry about stuff, he's always really angry,
0:09:44 > 0:09:46and Nigel Farage is always laughing.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49So I think, together, it's a good on-screen partnership.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51You can find out what Nigel Farage finds so funny,
0:09:51 > 0:09:54and we can find out why Donald Trump's so angry.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56- It's a great sitcom.- Yeah.
0:09:56 > 0:10:01Trump, yesterday, said he wanted...um... Sorry.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05..the terminally ill to vote for him because they are the only
0:10:05 > 0:10:07people whose futures he can't make worse.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12He said, "You're going to die anyway, just get out there and vote for me."
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Why does he need help at the moment, Donald Trump?
0:10:15 > 0:10:19Because he's a psychopath and... It's not funny.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22The whole campaign feels like being tickled -
0:10:22 > 0:10:26at the beginning it was a lot of fun, and now it's really sickening.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29He's going to get in, I really think he's going to get in.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32- No! Don't be so miserable.- Brexit!
0:10:35 > 0:10:37APPLAUSE
0:10:37 > 0:10:41No, I... I think if Donald Trump becomes President,
0:10:41 > 0:10:44it's not a surprise attack, they've seen him coming for some time.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46He'll have a heart attack or something will happen.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49He won't get past February.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51It sounded like you were going to do it, Paul.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53"Don't worry, I've got this."
0:10:53 > 0:10:57Let's just say that plans have been put into place.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02The American system has a very good way of just neutralising
0:11:02 > 0:11:07presidents they don't like anyway. Obama came in, that was it.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09The entire machinery just blocked him for eight years.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11So I'm sure the same will happen with Trump.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Hillary's not very popular either, of course.
0:11:13 > 0:11:18- What rumours have been circulating about her this week?- She's sick?
0:11:18 > 0:11:23- That's always been the big one. She's got a cold, boo!- No.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Some people have seriously started to think and claim
0:11:25 > 0:11:28that Hillary Clinton might actually be a robot.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Oh, no!
0:11:30 > 0:11:31I was thinking of saying that,
0:11:31 > 0:11:34but I thought it's just such a ridiculous thing to say,
0:11:34 > 0:11:36I censored myself.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38A robot that gets pneumonia.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Incredible advances in technology, isn't there?
0:11:42 > 0:11:46- They're so lifelike these days, Paul.- Computer virus.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49AUDIENCE GROANS
0:11:49 > 0:11:53I can see Bill Clinton's behaviour in a different light now.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55If he was married to a robot,
0:11:55 > 0:11:59I could understand he might seek solace in the middle of the night,
0:11:59 > 0:12:02instead of reaching out for... somebody with a tin arse.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06He can sort of...reach out for a real woman somewhere.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08President of the United States, got a robot woman at home,
0:12:08 > 0:12:10you know, I don't blame him.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13It might have been his one reason for getting into politics.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Get a girlfriend away from robot woman.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18With her flashing eyes.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21This will be replayed as part of Trump's campaign.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24I'm willing to go over and speak.
0:12:24 > 0:12:29- Who would like to see the Dalai Lama take on The Donald?- Yes.- Yes.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33- Have you met Donald Trump?- Never. - What do you think of him?
0:12:33 > 0:12:38I don't know. Sometimes he's sort of... The way his hair...
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Something like that.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42And his mouth - small.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48APPLAUSE
0:12:48 > 0:12:52The Independent revealed that Donald Trump has told terminally ill
0:12:52 > 0:12:54people...
0:12:57 > 0:12:59..which has resulted in bad headlines for Trump,
0:12:59 > 0:13:02but a surge in bookings at Dignitas.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06According...
0:13:06 > 0:13:08According to the Times, Tim Kaine
0:13:08 > 0:13:11the Democrat vice presidential candidate, is...
0:13:16 > 0:13:20He insists on "harmonica" because Hillary panics when she
0:13:20 > 0:13:24hears the words "mouth" and "organ" too close together.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Mind you, " 'ar-monica" brings back bad memories as well.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Ian and Kevin, take a look at this.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36This is our new Prime Minister. Not him, don't have a heart attack.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38He's putting on a stupid hat.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42Someone's trying to put on a rosette. That's a tough one.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Oh, no, he can't do it. Bang.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47It looks a bit like KK Klan-hood,
0:13:47 > 0:13:50doesn't it? Is this the Tory party conference?
0:13:50 > 0:13:54- Yes.- Well, there were two conferences, weren't there?
0:13:54 > 0:13:57The first one, which was basically the Ukip conference,
0:13:57 > 0:14:00where she said, "Boo to immigrants and foreigners and people who
0:14:00 > 0:14:03"work in firms who are foreign. We'll cut them all down."
0:14:03 > 0:14:06And then there was the Labour Party conference on the last day, when she
0:14:06 > 0:14:08said, "Oh, tax avoiders, we'll get them,
0:14:08 > 0:14:10"big business, capitalism, boo."
0:14:10 > 0:14:13So, she's got the right, she's got the left,
0:14:13 > 0:14:16- and if you're in the middle, she think she's got you as well.- Yeah.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18So this is the first Conservative Party conference with
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Theresa May as leader and Prime Minister.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- What was the big announcement?- She's set a date for Brexit.- That's it.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27And, amusingly, she said it will be right at the end of March,
0:14:27 > 0:14:31which means we'll leave the EU on April 1st.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38I haven't even read Article 50, and she's prepared to trigger it.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41And it's very soon. It took me about six months to get out of
0:14:41 > 0:14:43a Vodafone contract. This is...
0:14:45 > 0:14:47..getting stuff moving.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50She's going to indeed trigger Article 50 by March 2017,
0:14:50 > 0:14:52whatever that means.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Some European thing, I've lost interest completely.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00There doesn't seem to be any kind of plan for getting out the EU, but
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Tory MP Andrew Davies seemed pretty sure that Brexit
0:15:03 > 0:15:05will definitely be sorted.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08And, Conference, mark my words, we will
0:15:08 > 0:15:12make breakfast...Brexit a success.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16APPLAUSE
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Could it be that the entire nation has voted under
0:15:21 > 0:15:23a slight misapprehension?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26They were merely wanting breakfast.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30Now, should we be allowed to discuss Theresa May's clothes?
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- I suppose so, yes.- We don't discuss Boris Johnson or Philip Hammond.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Yes, we do. We discuss Boris's hair, his ties,
0:15:36 > 0:15:39whether his trousers are off or on.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Anyway, she said
0:15:44 > 0:15:47it's fine to talk about her shoes because then she can buy some more.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- Yes.- They were great shoes. She had a pair of crackers on yesterday.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51They were very rock and roll.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53She came out to the Stones, and it was like all this
0:15:53 > 0:15:56appropriating this kind of cool hip, and she kept quoting Sam Cooke,
0:15:56 > 0:15:58like, "A change is going to come."
0:15:58 > 0:16:01And it's like, what?! That's like a civil rights anthem.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04And you're using it like, "A change is going to come,
0:16:04 > 0:16:06"foreigners getting out."
0:16:06 > 0:16:09There was a pair of steel-tipped shoes.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11And these are the issues that really matter.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14I'm not interested in workers' representation on boards,
0:16:14 > 0:16:15let's have the shoes.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17There we go. Steel-capped.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:16:19 > 0:16:22They're the real front of a nuclear sub, aren't they?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Killer shoes.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Theresa May may have severed most ties with David Cameron,
0:16:29 > 0:16:31but some things never change.
0:16:31 > 0:16:37Who did she find the time to meet on a 36-hour whistle-stop visit
0:16:37 > 0:16:41- to the United Nations in New York last month?- Justin Bieber.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43It was Rupert Murdoch.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Because obviously she hasn't been elected yet...by him.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52And then she flew back...to give someone a kicking in those heels.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Probably Michael Gove.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56She... I mean, you were there.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00- She didn't really like many of the Tories, did she? The old ones.- No.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06- Neither did I, actually, but anyway. - Did you like her?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08- Did you like Theresa May?- Y-Y-Y... I-I-I...
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Anyway, the answer?
0:17:14 > 0:17:18- It's all right, she's not going to offer you a job.- No.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22No, I doubt that very much. Now, Boris Johnson made a speech.
0:17:22 > 0:17:27What did he say were the two sides of liberty's golden coin?
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Was it heads and tails?
0:17:29 > 0:17:31No. He said...
0:17:36 > 0:17:37CHEERING
0:17:37 > 0:17:40By which he meant the embodiments of economic and political...
0:17:40 > 0:17:43I mean, you must have been welling up at that point, Ian.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46I was certainly throwing up.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48I seem to remember that shortly after the vote,
0:17:48 > 0:17:51a senior public figure appeared on Question Time with
0:17:51 > 0:17:54David Dimbleby, calling for Boris Johnson to be arrested.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Can you remember who that was, Ian?
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Yes, and I stick by it.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06- Now, Liam Fox was waving the flag for British business.- Yes.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Which business is he particularly interested in supporting?
0:18:10 > 0:18:13- These are tough questions, Nick. - Yeah.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16It's like we've gone into University Challenge.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20- Can we get a clue?- Yeah... - British.- Breakfast.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- The breakfast business? - ROISIN:- Bacon.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25The innovative jam business.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28His department sent out this tweet during the conference.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39- Seriously.- How innovative can you be with a jam? It's only...
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Don't use any fruit.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46No-one in Fox's team has the conviction or passion of
0:18:46 > 0:18:49former Food and Environment Minister Liz Truss.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52We import two-thirds of our cheese.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58That...is...a...disgrace.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Oh, well, the environment's loss
0:19:06 > 0:19:09is now the Justice Department's loss, too.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13What does Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt want to do?
0:19:13 > 0:19:16He wants to create more home-grown doctors,
0:19:16 > 0:19:19which is brilliant, if late, and there was some confusion
0:19:19 > 0:19:22about whether foreign doctors had to go home straightaway.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25So, you're in the middle of a consultation - "Oh, they've gone."
0:19:25 > 0:19:28But he's also doing a thing, instead of keeping them,
0:19:28 > 0:19:31luring them to stay, he's making it that they have to work for the NHS
0:19:31 > 0:19:34for four years after they graduate, so they can't go somewhere else.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36After spending £70,000 each to train for five years,
0:19:36 > 0:19:39I imagine junior doctors will think that's pretty fair.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Perhaps one of them took this photo of Jeremy Hunt.
0:19:46 > 0:19:47APPLAUSE
0:19:51 > 0:19:56Jeremy Hunt definitely does have one fan. Now, who is that?
0:19:57 > 0:19:59It's not me!
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Is it Jeremy Hunt?
0:20:03 > 0:20:07Who absolutely loved his own speech, as we can see here?
0:20:07 > 0:20:08..And we must recognise it today.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16..Fighting this horrible disease.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21..We will launch the campaign you want.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Wow!
0:20:27 > 0:20:29- And none of you have mentioned Philip Hammond yet.- No...
0:20:29 > 0:20:31What an appalling error!
0:20:32 > 0:20:34How could we have forgotten Philip Hammond?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Someone said, during his speech,
0:20:36 > 0:20:39they really did lose the will to live.
0:20:39 > 0:20:40Now, that's actually a bit unfair,
0:20:40 > 0:20:42because he actually did tell a few jokes in his speech.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Would anyone like to hear one? It was about Ed Balls.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47- ALL:- Yeah! - Yeah? OK.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51By the way, you know Ed wasn't their first choice for Strictly?
0:20:51 > 0:20:54They were going to ask Corbyn to do it, but then someone...
0:20:55 > 0:20:59..someone told him...someone told them that he had two left feet.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02GROANING
0:21:03 > 0:21:05And this is his own party!
0:21:06 > 0:21:08"Boo! Get off!"
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Politicians and jokes, eh? Anyway, um...
0:21:11 > 0:21:15I don't know, some of them are quite good at it, in the end.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17- Not deliberately. - What's Jeremy Corbyn...
0:21:20 > 0:21:24- Would you ever go on Strictly Come Dancing, Nick?- No!- No?- No.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27All right. Sorry, mate, I was just asking.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Well, that's top of the range.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33It's Strictly, then I'm a Celebrity...
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Have I Got News For You.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38I'm starting at the bottom rung!
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Now, what's Jeremy Corbyn been doing while all this has been going on?
0:21:41 > 0:21:45He's been rambling at Hadrian's Wall.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Is that just a bit of gossip, or...?
0:21:49 > 0:21:52No, he put photos up, because he bought some sort of jumper. Um...
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Some Sort Of Jumper - that could be the title of an autobiography.
0:21:56 > 0:22:01He's had a bit of a reshuffle and he was also doing this last week.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03ORCHESTRA PLAYS
0:22:09 > 0:22:14In the background, there is a sweet little model of Rome...burning.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17It's the Conservative Party conference,
0:22:17 > 0:22:20where Theresa May has called on the Tories to embrace the centre ground.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24The Prime Minister criticised the liberal elite for belittling
0:22:24 > 0:22:26the intellectual capacity of ordinary voters.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Quite right - the time to do that is with an exam
0:22:29 > 0:22:31when they are 11 years old.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34According to the new Home Secretary, Amber Rudd,
0:22:34 > 0:22:37every taxi driver is going to be questioned on whether or not
0:22:37 > 0:22:40they are supposed to be here, to which they will reply,
0:22:40 > 0:22:43"You're right, mate, I should have been in Finchley ten minutes ago."
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Theresa May has constantly reminded us
0:22:45 > 0:22:47that the people have voted for Brexit.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50She's less quick to remind us that people didn't vote for her
0:22:50 > 0:22:53to be Prime Minister, and let's face it, she only got the job
0:22:53 > 0:22:57because she was against a buffoon, a total git and Andrea Leadsom.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Didn't work for everyone, though, did it?
0:23:03 > 0:23:07And so, to round two, the Strengthometer of News.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the first one.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15BELL
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Ian and Kevin?
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Fish - someone has found out that they talk to each other
0:23:21 > 0:23:23in regional accents.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25- They talk to each other in regional accents?!- They do.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29This is the news that scientists have been given £300,000
0:23:29 > 0:23:32to study whether cod have regional accents.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Why does it matter that some cod sound different to other cod?
0:23:35 > 0:23:37If they think the cod's a bit rough for them or
0:23:37 > 0:23:39a bit too posh for them, they won't go with them, you know.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Like, a Midlands cod wouldn't go with an Ascot cod.
0:23:42 > 0:23:43They can't find each other.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- MIDLANDS ACCENT:- I love you, but I can't help but feel
0:23:46 > 0:23:48that we shouldn't be together.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52You swim in deeper waters than I do.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58That is, extraordinarily enough, basically right. According...
0:23:58 > 0:23:59It can't be!
0:24:00 > 0:24:02How can that be right?!
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Global warming is pushing southern cod populations north,
0:24:05 > 0:24:08so Cornish cod could be mingling with Scousers.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13According to the Daily Star...
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Would anyone like to hear the romantic crooning of a smitten cod?
0:24:22 > 0:24:27- Yes, please. - Here is an American cod.- Right.
0:24:27 > 0:24:32LOW-PITCHED HONKING
0:24:35 > 0:24:37"Vote Trump," it seems to be saying.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40And here is a cod from Norway.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43LOW-PITCHED HONKING
0:24:43 > 0:24:45"Help, I'm drowning!"
0:24:46 > 0:24:49- Can anyone tell the difference? - No!- Which one is sexier?
0:24:49 > 0:24:53- Well, I fancied the Norwegian.- Did you?- Yeah, he sounded friendlier.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Do you think? Did you think the American was a bit of a braggart?
0:24:55 > 0:24:58- Yeah, he didn't sound like he had read as much.- No.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03What will Dr Simpson do if his £300,000 study into
0:25:03 > 0:25:07UK cod accents proves successful?
0:25:07 > 0:25:10He'll do another one for £500,000!
0:25:12 > 0:25:14His next mission will be...
0:25:16 > 0:25:18- Ker-ching!- This is a wind-up!
0:25:18 > 0:25:21He's going to go through every species, isn't he?
0:25:21 > 0:25:23And no-one could ever prove him wrong,
0:25:23 > 0:25:25because that would mean them spending £300,000,
0:25:25 > 0:25:27so he could just be like, "Oh, these cods, they speak, this one..."
0:25:27 > 0:25:29"This octopus has a Scouse accent."
0:25:29 > 0:25:33- LIVERPOOL ACCENT:- Look at how many arms I've got, love! 'Ey, darlin'!
0:25:33 > 0:25:37Watch where that one's going, it's around here behind your back!
0:25:37 > 0:25:38Here we are, oh!
0:25:40 > 0:25:42I really hope they do have Scouse accents now.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Well, we've been told it by the former leader of...
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Who are you, again?
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Sticking with regional accents,
0:25:49 > 0:25:51how have Ofcom upset the Scots this week?
0:25:53 > 0:25:55I don't know, but I want to know, Nick. Why?
0:25:56 > 0:25:58What's happened?
0:25:58 > 0:26:02They've said that while calling a Welsh person a Taff is offensive,
0:26:02 > 0:26:06calling someone from Scotland Jock was merely...
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Other mild words, according to Ofcom, are...
0:26:14 > 0:26:15..and...
0:26:18 > 0:26:22I'll need to remember that for when I meet Prince Harry.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31This is indeed the news that a study has been conducted
0:26:31 > 0:26:34- into whether cod have regional accents...- They haven't!
0:26:34 > 0:26:38- The report...- They don't speak!
0:26:38 > 0:26:41And another thing, do dogs fly helicopters? Ooh, um...
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Maybe...
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Now, fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:26:48 > 0:26:49BUZZER
0:26:49 > 0:26:52This is Jamie Oliver, he's got into trouble because he's come up
0:26:52 > 0:26:55with a recipe for paella, which the Spaniards don't agree is paella,
0:26:55 > 0:26:59- so he's got into trouble because of that.- Because he's added chorizo.
0:26:59 > 0:27:04- Chorizo!- Uh-oh, chorizo! Bad. I don't know why that is!
0:27:04 > 0:27:06- Sorry!- Plus, some people don't find it very appetising,
0:27:06 > 0:27:10because it's got a picture of his face right in the middle of it.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Some of the abuse was pretty bad. They said,
0:27:13 > 0:27:17"Why don't you go and make chicken nuggets out of your own fingers?"
0:27:19 > 0:27:22A Spanish man, Antonio Villarreal, tweeted...
0:27:26 > 0:27:29And one Daily Mail commenter added...
0:27:35 > 0:27:37But why? Why are people so angry?
0:27:37 > 0:27:40This is cultural appropriation, which, you know, essentially...
0:27:40 > 0:27:43But I've had chorizo in paella, in Spain, like, lots of times.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Yeah, but you are not allowed to say,
0:27:45 > 0:27:49"This is my recipe for paella," because you're not Spanish.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Like, if you cook spaghetti Bolognese,
0:27:51 > 0:27:55anyone who cooks it tonight is guilty of cultural appropriation.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59The only thing we are allowed to cook is fish fingers.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04That is Britain in Brexit future.
0:28:04 > 0:28:09He should have just called it Paella alla Gibraltar, and then...
0:28:11 > 0:28:14APPLAUSE
0:28:15 > 0:28:17- Your wife is Spanish, Nick.- Yes.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20What would happen if you put a bit of chorizo in the paella?
0:28:20 > 0:28:23There are very strict rules of what should and shouldn't go into paella.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26Finally, something Nick's expert on!
0:28:29 > 0:28:30Well, what can be added, other than chorizo,
0:28:30 > 0:28:33- according to Spanish dogma? - Rabbit.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35- Yeah, rabbit, duck...- Chicken.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38- Chicken, snails...- Donkey.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42Depends on the region.
0:28:42 > 0:28:46Have to be a pretty big pan, to cook a donkey in there.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Can anybody name any other food-related sacred cows?
0:28:49 > 0:28:52- What, certain things that can't be changed?- You can't do, yeah.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54Haggis, I suppose, is a pretty traditional recipe.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56I had an Edinburgh burger this year,
0:28:56 > 0:29:00- which is a beefburger with haggis on top. That's brilliant!- Was it nice?
0:29:00 > 0:29:02Yeah, fantastic!
0:29:02 > 0:29:05Just a sample of my life.
0:29:09 > 0:29:11I've never seen you so proud!
0:29:11 > 0:29:12Really delicious.
0:29:12 > 0:29:16In Italy, you mustn't have Parmesan on seafood,
0:29:16 > 0:29:18pineapple on pizza or ketchup on pasta.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21And in Scotland, you mustn't have salad on a plate.
0:29:22 > 0:29:24HOLLOW CHUCKLE
0:29:25 > 0:29:29Can anyone tell me what Jamie has named his newborn son?
0:29:29 > 0:29:32- Is it food related?- Yeah.- Basil?
0:29:32 > 0:29:35- Oh...- Nonstick Frying Pan.
0:29:37 > 0:29:39George Foreman.
0:29:44 > 0:29:46His name is River Rocket.
0:29:46 > 0:29:48So, there you go, putting the chorizo in the paella
0:29:48 > 0:29:51isn't the oddest choice he's made this year.
0:29:51 > 0:29:54Jamie Oliver has outraged the people of Spain, several of them,
0:29:54 > 0:29:57by adding chorizo to his version of paella.
0:29:57 > 0:30:01One Spanish chef said that Jamie had landed in hot water.
0:30:01 > 0:30:03Now the Spanish are arguing about how long
0:30:03 > 0:30:05he should be in hot water for,
0:30:05 > 0:30:08and whether the lid should be on or off.
0:30:08 > 0:30:12Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the next one.
0:30:15 > 0:30:17BUZZER
0:30:17 > 0:30:19This is Kim Kardashian, who, up to this point,
0:30:19 > 0:30:20I had no idea what she looked like.
0:30:20 > 0:30:22She has been robbed in Paris,
0:30:22 > 0:30:28they've taken away jewellery worth millions, and that's the story.
0:30:28 > 0:30:29I didn't know who it was,
0:30:29 > 0:30:32because I haven't usually seen her from this angle.
0:30:32 > 0:30:35Would you like to elaborate on that?
0:30:35 > 0:30:37She seems to have a front.
0:30:38 > 0:30:42Anyway, it's a very, very exciting story.
0:30:42 > 0:30:44They are reality TV stars, and this is reality TV.
0:30:44 > 0:30:47That's an episode I would have watched!
0:30:47 > 0:30:49Do you keep up with the Kardashians, Ian?
0:30:49 > 0:30:53I certainly do. There is very little about them I don't know.
0:30:53 > 0:30:55Married to Kanye West.
0:30:55 > 0:30:56Y... Indeed.
0:30:56 > 0:30:59And divorced from Kanye East.
0:31:00 > 0:31:02They've got a son, Saint.
0:31:02 > 0:31:06- Saint?- And a daughter called North. Saint and North West. I know.
0:31:06 > 0:31:09Whatever happened to traditional names, like Fred or Rosemary?
0:31:09 > 0:31:10That's what I was...
0:31:15 > 0:31:16As she was tied up like a sausage,
0:31:16 > 0:31:20Kim Kardashian was the victim of what French police call a classic...
0:31:21 > 0:31:23..or...
0:31:23 > 0:31:25Wasn't that what Keith Vaz ordered? But anyway...
0:31:25 > 0:31:30Faced with masked jewel thieves breaking into her apartment...
0:31:30 > 0:31:33We are seeing you in a different light, Nick.
0:31:33 > 0:31:35You've lost your damn mind!
0:31:35 > 0:31:37Faced with masked jewel thieves breaking into her apartment
0:31:37 > 0:31:40and pointing guns at her, Kim Kardashian said...
0:31:40 > 0:31:45..to which the robbers replied, "No, thanks, we'll take the jewels."
0:31:45 > 0:31:49Time now for the odd one out round. It's just one between you this week.
0:31:49 > 0:31:53Michael Gove, Gary Lineker, Nigel Farage
0:31:53 > 0:31:54and canoe man, John Darwin.
0:31:54 > 0:31:56BUZZER
0:31:56 > 0:31:58- Is it about beards?- No.
0:31:58 > 0:31:59BELL
0:31:59 > 0:32:02It's about how much you hated Michael Gove.
0:32:02 > 0:32:04Mmm...not quite.
0:32:04 > 0:32:06- No, it's about underpants.- Yes.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08- ROISIN:- What?!
0:32:10 > 0:32:12Lineker - when Leicester City won the league,
0:32:12 > 0:32:15- he promised...- He promised to appear in his underpants.
0:32:15 > 0:32:18The canoe man was found selling underpants
0:32:18 > 0:32:20when they finally found him in...
0:32:20 > 0:32:23Was he in Panama? Or was that Amber Rudd's family?
0:32:23 > 0:32:24Er...
0:32:24 > 0:32:26Thanks very much!
0:32:26 > 0:32:28I hope that Amber Rudd marries somebody called Green,
0:32:28 > 0:32:32then she'd be like a traffic light - Amber Rudd Green.
0:32:33 > 0:32:35Just occurred to me, that's all.
0:32:35 > 0:32:37Nigel Farage went skinny-dipping,
0:32:37 > 0:32:38or the papers said he went skinny-dipping,
0:32:38 > 0:32:41and he jumped off the end of the pier, which again, when you
0:32:41 > 0:32:45first read it, seemed a more positive story than it turned out.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47But then he said,
0:32:47 > 0:32:49"No, I wasn't skinny-dipping, I had my underpants on."
0:32:49 > 0:32:52So, they had underpants on. Gove...
0:32:52 > 0:32:55Come on, you've worked with Gove, tell us about his underpants.
0:32:55 > 0:32:58- Well...- We've got nothing out of you this evening.
0:32:58 > 0:33:01Well, they have all exposed their underwear in public,
0:33:01 > 0:33:03except for John Darwin, the canoe man, who now sells underwear.
0:33:03 > 0:33:07So, when did Gove expose his underwear in public? Come on!
0:33:07 > 0:33:09- Was it in a Cabinet meeting? - No, he did it while...
0:33:09 > 0:33:11Was it in an argument over education?
0:33:11 > 0:33:13He did it when he was a student at Oxford.
0:33:13 > 0:33:14I think we can have a look at this.
0:33:14 > 0:33:18I'm going to let you know what's underneath my kilt.
0:33:18 > 0:33:20Now, just bear with me, ladies and gentlemen.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23Ordinarily, people have to pay for this pleasure.
0:33:23 > 0:33:26And I have, underneath my kilt,
0:33:26 > 0:33:28a pair of Oxford Union boxer shorts.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36What rumour from Gove's student days was recently revealed?
0:33:38 > 0:33:41I mean, anything, based on what I've just seen there.
0:33:41 > 0:33:43The university student newspaper, Cherwell, reported
0:33:43 > 0:33:45that Gove took part in a...
0:33:47 > 0:33:50..with two male and two female students.
0:33:50 > 0:33:53What explanation did Gove allegedly give for taking part in the romp?
0:33:55 > 0:33:57He was horny?
0:33:58 > 0:34:00He fancied the other four.
0:34:00 > 0:34:01He didn't have his glasses on,
0:34:01 > 0:34:05he thought he was applying for a work permit.
0:34:05 > 0:34:08Sources claim that Gove took part in the romp as he was...
0:34:13 > 0:34:16Well, to be fair, it is a national sport in Aberdeen,
0:34:16 > 0:34:17to beat up Michael Gove on Boxing Day.
0:34:17 > 0:34:20They have all exposed their underwear in public,
0:34:20 > 0:34:21except for John Darwin.
0:34:21 > 0:34:25According to the Daily Mail, when he was a student at Oxford...
0:34:28 > 0:34:30"Who's stabbing me in the back?" said one.
0:34:30 > 0:34:32"Ah, sorry," said Gove, and turned the other way.
0:34:32 > 0:34:36On his last night as leader of Ukip, Nigel Farage went
0:34:36 > 0:34:38skinny-dipping in the English Channel,
0:34:38 > 0:34:40the sight of which convinced a dinghy full of desperate
0:34:40 > 0:34:43immigrants that they'd be better off in Calais.
0:34:43 > 0:34:46And as soon as Mr Farage was seen floating in the sea,
0:34:46 > 0:34:49the beach lost its blue flag status.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53Time now for the missing words round, which this week features
0:34:53 > 0:34:57as its guest publication the Village Sign Times.
0:34:57 > 0:34:59And we start with...
0:35:04 > 0:35:05- KEVIN:- Sandwich.
0:35:07 > 0:35:09Are still in charge of Brexit negotiations.
0:35:12 > 0:35:15- KEVIN:- New-look Spice Girls are back.
0:35:20 > 0:35:22The answer is...
0:35:24 > 0:35:28Language historian Dr Todd Gray MBE has been researching
0:35:28 > 0:35:30Britain's best old-fashioned swear words,
0:35:30 > 0:35:33also including nippy, tarse and wittol.
0:35:33 > 0:35:36And before you write in to complain, I can use these words,
0:35:36 > 0:35:38as it's after the 1648 watershed.
0:35:39 > 0:35:41Next...
0:35:45 > 0:35:47- KEVIN:- Get out of the house.
0:35:49 > 0:35:52Spread ill will at every opportunity.
0:35:57 > 0:36:00Wow, I wondered what Edward Snowden was up to these days.
0:36:00 > 0:36:02Next...
0:36:06 > 0:36:08- KEVIN:- Lizard scales.
0:36:09 > 0:36:13Don't go out in the day and only leave the crypt at night.
0:36:17 > 0:36:19This is from the story of Brexit,
0:36:19 > 0:36:21as told by Cameron's communications adviser.
0:36:21 > 0:36:24Apparently, Mandelson warned Craig Oliver that coffee
0:36:24 > 0:36:27was bad for his skin, and when Oliver replied,
0:36:27 > 0:36:30"I've got lovely skin," Mandelson said...
0:36:33 > 0:36:34Next...
0:36:39 > 0:36:42Inevitably, things turned to cannibalism.
0:36:43 > 0:36:45Just outside Falkirk.
0:36:45 > 0:36:46The answer is...
0:36:48 > 0:36:51Rather than visit Scotland to look at Scottish signs,
0:36:51 > 0:36:54Ken spent an evening browsing the internet.
0:36:54 > 0:36:57Though remarkably, his article failed to mention this one.
0:37:01 > 0:37:02Next...
0:37:06 > 0:37:08- KEVIN:- Gave her a buzz.
0:37:09 > 0:37:11To say sorry.
0:37:11 > 0:37:14- Brilliant.- Thank you, that guy that clapped in there.
0:37:14 > 0:37:16The answer is...
0:37:18 > 0:37:21The lady in question tweeted a picture of the cake...
0:37:23 > 0:37:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:37:31 > 0:37:32Next...
0:37:35 > 0:37:38Eating something nice at the same time.
0:37:39 > 0:37:41Chorizo!
0:37:43 > 0:37:46- KEVIN:- Watching the movie Alive.
0:37:54 > 0:37:56Oh, yeah.
0:37:56 > 0:37:59Scientists believe the white noise from aeroplanes may affect
0:37:59 > 0:38:01how we perceive flavour. And finally...
0:38:06 > 0:38:09They've had plastic surgery to resemble the motorway.
0:38:09 > 0:38:11The answer is...
0:38:13 > 0:38:16And that's what happens when you move from grass to skunk.
0:38:16 > 0:38:19Why did you take your glasses off so coolly there?
0:38:19 > 0:38:23Like, "That's what happens when you go from grass to skunk."
0:38:23 > 0:38:25He's done that before, hasn't he?
0:38:27 > 0:38:29That was well-practised, that move, wasn't it?
0:38:29 > 0:38:31Definitely, I imagine you say that a lot.
0:38:31 > 0:38:34- Yeah.- Did you smoke skunk back in your uni days, Nick?
0:38:34 > 0:38:36- What...- Sorry!
0:38:38 > 0:38:41Come on, we're bringing up Michael Gove's student days,
0:38:41 > 0:38:42what about yours?
0:38:42 > 0:38:43People have done worse.
0:38:43 > 0:38:46- Have they? - Your mate, he fucked a pig.
0:38:51 > 0:38:53Allegedly!
0:38:55 > 0:38:57- Allegedly.- Allegedly.
0:38:57 > 0:39:03So, the final scores are Paul and Roisin, 4
0:39:03 > 0:39:06and Ian and Kevin, 5.
0:39:11 > 0:39:15But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:39:15 > 0:39:16Ian and Kevin have this.
0:39:18 > 0:39:20Big dog and small dog...
0:39:20 > 0:39:23LAUGHTER
0:39:23 > 0:39:24Let me finish!
0:39:26 > 0:39:29LAUGHTER CONTINUES
0:39:29 > 0:39:32Let me finish, please!
0:39:32 > 0:39:34You were on a roll, I'd leave it there.
0:39:34 > 0:39:38..have lovely evening marred as food fails to show.
0:39:41 > 0:39:44- ROISIN:- I preferred "big dog and small dog".
0:39:44 > 0:39:46Paul and Roisin get that.
0:39:46 > 0:39:49Big panda and big panda!
0:39:51 > 0:39:55"Apparently, the Lib Dems are nearly extinct."
0:39:55 > 0:39:56- AUDIENCE:- Awww!
0:39:56 > 0:39:59Oh, it's too late for that!
0:40:00 > 0:40:03And here's a bonus one for you all.
0:40:05 > 0:40:07The Empire Strikes Bake.
0:40:11 > 0:40:13They're just bodyguards, don't you think?
0:40:13 > 0:40:17To protect her from being stolen by Channel 4.
0:40:17 > 0:40:22They've got Imperial stormtroopers surrounding Mary at all moments.
0:40:22 > 0:40:24Paul Hollywood - little droid.
0:40:26 > 0:40:27Mary...
0:40:27 > 0:40:30HE HUMS THE IMPERIAL MARCH FROM STAR WARS
0:40:32 > 0:40:36You having one of your turns again, Ian?
0:40:36 > 0:40:40You wanted me to point out the next time it happened, remember?
0:40:40 > 0:40:42Thanks, thanks, sorry.
0:40:42 > 0:40:46He gets a nosebleed when he starts dealing with popular culture.
0:40:48 > 0:40:51Has this been a worthwhile experience for you, then, do you reckon?
0:40:51 > 0:40:54- Hasn't quite finished yet. - Oh, really?
0:40:56 > 0:40:58On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:40:58 > 0:41:00Ian Hislop and Kevin Bridges,
0:41:00 > 0:41:02Paul Merton and Roisin Conaty,
0:41:02 > 0:41:03and I leave you with news
0:41:03 > 0:41:07that during final practice for Saturday's Strictly Come Dancing,
0:41:07 > 0:41:12Ed Balls decides to end his quickstep by trying the splits.
0:41:16 > 0:41:20In Syria, as Russian warplanes go on yet another illegal bombing raid,
0:41:20 > 0:41:22the United States finally hit back.
0:41:26 > 0:41:28And there's drama in the grounds of Balmoral,
0:41:28 > 0:41:31as Prince Philip loses control of the barbecue.
0:41:35 > 0:41:37Good night.