0:00:31 > 0:00:33APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I'm Gary Lineker. In the news this week...
0:00:43 > 0:00:45At the World Curling Championships in Canada,
0:00:45 > 0:00:48one member of the Scottish team regrets forgetting
0:00:48 > 0:00:49to pack his stone.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59There's evidence that just a month after the US election,
0:00:59 > 0:01:04the shock of her defeat has really taken its toll on Hillary Clinton.
0:01:09 > 0:01:10There's irritation for one customer
0:01:10 > 0:01:13as not only is their pizza half an hour late,
0:01:13 > 0:01:15but all the olives have rolled off.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Hey! Hey!
0:01:19 > 0:01:20Hey, Domino!
0:01:20 > 0:01:21Oi!
0:01:25 > 0:01:28And in Devon, there's a good turnout for the opening day
0:01:28 > 0:01:29of the Dartmoor Lido.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39On Ian's team tonight is a stand-up comedian
0:01:39 > 0:01:41whose recent show included a rant
0:01:41 > 0:01:44about how much he hates Twitter and footballers.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46So that's two points to Paul Merton's team.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Welcome, Jon Richardson.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50APPLAUSE
0:01:54 > 0:01:57And with Paul tonight, we were due to have
0:01:57 > 0:02:00the former Education Secretary Nicky Morgan,
0:02:00 > 0:02:03but because of a falling out with Downing Street
0:02:03 > 0:02:06over Theresa May's £1,000 leather trousers,
0:02:06 > 0:02:08she's decided not to come.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10So in her place, please welcome
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Nicky Morgan's £1,000 leather handbag.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:24 > 0:02:27So that bag is worth £1,000, is it?
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Not at the moment. It's doing very little for its money.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33I'm hoping that it will justify its appearance fee
0:02:33 > 0:02:35by the end of the programme.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Ian and Jon, take a look at this.
0:02:43 > 0:02:44Well, that's brown trouser time,
0:02:44 > 0:02:46particularly for her.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48That's Nicky Morgan.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50That's the lady in red.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52- Oh, dear! - LAUGHTER
0:02:52 > 0:02:56This is a row between three women about a pair of leather trousers.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Boris Johnson's a woman?!
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Why didn't we start with that story?! I missed that one.
0:03:02 > 0:03:07This is the major issue of the day, and I think it's appropriate
0:03:07 > 0:03:10with a panel with four men and a handbag...
0:03:10 > 0:03:13LAUGHTER
0:03:13 > 0:03:16..that we go straight in on the clothes!
0:03:16 > 0:03:18A bit sexist, isn't it, Handbag?
0:03:20 > 0:03:24It's been optimistically given a mic. Do you see, just here?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27And let's face it, so far, it's doing better
0:03:27 > 0:03:31than some of the people I've been sitting next to recently.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33It did start with an interview in the Sunday Times.
0:03:33 > 0:03:38She was relaxing at home, as you do, in a pair of brown leather trousers.
0:03:38 > 0:03:39I do, always.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44So what did Nicky Morgan say about the trousers?
0:03:44 > 0:03:48That they were unsuitable, inappropriate, a bit lavish.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Frankly hideous, darling!
0:03:51 > 0:03:54They look like she's put on chocolate underwear
0:03:54 > 0:03:55and then sat by the fire.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57LAUGHTER
0:04:00 > 0:04:02I don't mind her spending a grand on a pair of trousers
0:04:02 > 0:04:04if she wants to waste to her money,
0:04:04 > 0:04:07but surely there's a better pair of £1,000 trousers than that!
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Got to be a better colour, hasn't there, at least?
0:04:09 > 0:04:12- And it's Amanda Wakeley. - Is it?- Yeah.- Who's that?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14- Who I get my trousers from.- Do you?
0:04:14 > 0:04:16They're very tight, aren't they?
0:04:16 > 0:04:19I mean, why wouldn't you flaunt it, if you've got it? But...
0:04:19 > 0:04:21LAUGHTER
0:04:24 > 0:04:26People say that nothing would have been said
0:04:26 > 0:04:29if, say, Cameron had been wearing leather trousers.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30Oh, I think there would!
0:04:30 > 0:04:33I feel I might have had something to say!
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- Where did the bag come in? - Nicky Morgan said,
0:04:37 > 0:04:40"I have never spent £1,000 on anything." And then someone said,
0:04:40 > 0:04:41"What about that handbag?"
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Yes, what she actually said was...
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Which must be a troubling mantra!
0:04:54 > 0:04:58Nicky Morgan said, "I've never spent £1,000 on anything," which...
0:04:58 > 0:05:01I don't know where she lives, but...
0:05:04 > 0:05:08Under a bridge somewhere, to please her constituents!
0:05:08 > 0:05:10I think that was the point, wasn't it?
0:05:10 > 0:05:12That these are, in a time of austerity, it's...
0:05:12 > 0:05:14I don't know, it's inconsiderate of the Prime Minister
0:05:14 > 0:05:17to wear very expensive brown leather trousers.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18That was the point.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20And shoes as well, wasn't it? And a top.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24- She had all the clothes on. - LAUGHTER
0:05:24 > 0:05:27She's the Prime Minister and her husband's an investment banker.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31If she was wearing, like, two-stripe tracksuit bottoms off the market,
0:05:31 > 0:05:34it would look like she was taking the piss, wouldn't it?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36What she should have done was, like, pose with the leather trousers
0:05:36 > 0:05:38on a sofa where, clearly, the leather trousers
0:05:38 > 0:05:40had been cut out from the sofa.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44- Recycling. "Just About Managing." - Exactly!
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Anyway, Nicky Morgan made the mistake of commenting
0:05:47 > 0:05:49on the Prime Minister's trousers.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52And so the Prime Minister's assistant, Fiona Hill,
0:05:52 > 0:05:55got very cross and banned her from a meeting.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59And then it got even more unpleasant.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00- DRAMATICALLY:- How so? - LAUGHTER
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- I'm just gripped!- I'm the only one who's followed this,
0:06:03 > 0:06:04but I am gripped!
0:06:04 > 0:06:06She sent a letter to an MP called Alistair Burt,
0:06:06 > 0:06:08who's a friend of Nicky Morgan,
0:06:08 > 0:06:11saying, "Don't bring that woman to this meeting."
0:06:11 > 0:06:13And then Nicky Morgan said, "Well, actually, as a woman,
0:06:13 > 0:06:16"I'm not brought to meetings by men."
0:06:16 > 0:06:18And then Fiona Hill sent her a message saying,
0:06:18 > 0:06:21"Well, he did bring you, so there!"
0:06:21 > 0:06:23That's a text from the Prime Minister's assistant.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25"So there!"
0:06:26 > 0:06:28They're calling it Trousergate, aren't they?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Which is just one gate too many.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33It sounds like a disgusting term for your anus, I think.
0:06:35 > 0:06:36"Give me five minutes,
0:06:36 > 0:06:39"I'm having a bit of trouble with me trousergate!"
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Anyway, it was meant to be hypocritical that...
0:06:41 > 0:06:43- PHONE RINGS - Ooh, blimey!- Oh, hello.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45- PHONE CONTINUES RINGING - Hang on.
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Hello?
0:06:51 > 0:06:54No, no, she's not here at the moment.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57No, we're recording it now, yeah...
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Gary Lineker.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01Yeah, I know, yeah.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04LAUGHTER
0:07:06 > 0:07:08No, no, no, you're thinking of Emperor Hirohito.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10That's not him, no.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14No, that's Elvis Presley. Gary Lineker. Yep.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18Great. Yeah, you can smell it on his breath, yeah.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21- Wrong number. - LAUGHTER
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Nicky Morgan belongs to a new exclusive group of MPs.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Anyone know what that is?
0:07:26 > 0:07:28What, who've been excluded from meetings?
0:07:28 > 0:07:32It's a group of 40 rebel Tories who are fighting for a soft Brexit,
0:07:32 > 0:07:34inside the single market.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35They're being called...
0:07:38 > 0:07:42As opposed, of course, to John Major's original bastards.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Is anyone else finding it confusing that a group of MPs called bastards
0:07:45 > 0:07:48doesn't include Iain Duncan Smith? LAUGHTER
0:07:48 > 0:07:51However, one aide told the Sunday Times that...
0:07:52 > 0:07:55And with that in mind, shall we play a game of
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Bungler Or Bastard?
0:07:56 > 0:07:58- Yes!- Yes!
0:07:58 > 0:08:00HE HUMS INTRO
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Sorry, we've not got time.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- LAUGHTER - Oh!
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Why might it not be...?
0:08:06 > 0:08:08LAUGHTER
0:08:08 > 0:08:10I'm given a handbag as a guest,
0:08:10 > 0:08:12I'm promised Bungler Or Bugler, or whatever it is,
0:08:12 > 0:08:15I'm ready with my answers, I come up with a theme tune
0:08:15 > 0:08:16and we're told we're not doing it.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- Very poor. - It's really poor.- It's poor.
0:08:18 > 0:08:23Why might it not be the new bastards that Theresa needs to worry about?
0:08:23 > 0:08:26The old bastards haven't retired.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28There's even more people on the right who are after her
0:08:28 > 0:08:30than there are on the left.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31And there's some in the middle.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33- In fact, everyone's after her.- Mm.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Apparently, Britain's Ambassador to the EU, Sir Ivan Rogers,
0:08:36 > 0:08:40has privately told the Government a new trade deal might take
0:08:40 > 0:08:44ten years to finalise, and might then still fail anyway,
0:08:44 > 0:08:48if the other 27 member states don't individually approve it.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Theresa May has been in Brussels meeting other EU leaders.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Did she receive a warm welcome?
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- No.- No, she wouldn't, would she? - No.- Not really.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00- They're having their Christmas party and she wasn't invited.- No.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Well, there was an awkward bit where there's footage of them
0:09:02 > 0:09:04all shaking hands and then they don't...
0:09:04 > 0:09:06She's just sort of on her own. And I just...
0:09:06 > 0:09:08She has to go and have a pizza.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10- She had to...?- Go and have a pizza.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12And they all have this enormous dinner together
0:09:12 > 0:09:14- and she's on her own.- Aw!
0:09:14 > 0:09:18The pizza delivery boy fell off his bike as well.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20And the bad news about that is that when one of them falls off,
0:09:20 > 0:09:22all the rest fall over as well.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25LAUGHTER
0:09:25 > 0:09:27SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE
0:09:28 > 0:09:32That's a really pathetic round of applause!
0:09:32 > 0:09:34- You don't get many Domino jokes that good!- No.
0:09:34 > 0:09:39My mistake was in waiting 20 minutes to make it.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41But if I'd have waited more than half an hour,
0:09:41 > 0:09:44I'd have given you that joke for free.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:50 > 0:09:52- I can't see me topping that!- Hey!
0:09:52 > 0:09:54FAINT APPLAUSE
0:09:58 > 0:10:01She was invited to attend a dinner with EU leaders,
0:10:01 > 0:10:04and we can see here how warmly she's been received by them.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19This is the great Remain/Leave debate.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Should Theresa May remain wearing those trousers,
0:10:21 > 0:10:24or leave them in the wardrobe?
0:10:24 > 0:10:28In the same way that Boris Johnson's name is abbreviated to Bo-Jo,
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Nicky Morgan is known in Westminster as Ni-Mo.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Well, we certainly couldn't find her
0:10:34 > 0:10:36when she was meant to be on the show this week.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38APPLAUSE
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Meanwhile, Britain's Ambassador to the EU, Sir Ivan Rogers,
0:10:47 > 0:10:49has announced that a Brexit deal could take ten years.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50And that's not fair -
0:10:50 > 0:10:53most of the people who voted for it will be dead by then.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55APPLAUSE
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Young people applauding!
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Responding to claims that Brexit could take ten years,
0:11:04 > 0:11:05Theresa May said...
0:11:07 > 0:11:10A problem she shares with Southern rail commuters.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- Paul and Handbag, take a look at this.- OK.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Ah, yes. So this is the Evening News, printed about 1977.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Oh, trains are getting smaller and train drivers are getting bigger.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25That's Chris Grayling, the Transport Secretary.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Everybody's dressing the same so he doesn't look like an idiot.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29That looks like somebody tearing their hair out.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30Hairdressers are on strike.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Dogs are going to become postmen.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Is it about strikes?
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Yes, this is a new wave of strikes by post and rail workers,
0:11:38 > 0:11:39running up to Christmas.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42So are we going back to the '70s?
0:11:42 > 0:11:45- I don't suppose we are...- No, if you look at the '70s timetables,
0:11:45 > 0:11:47they're better than Southern rail's.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Southern rail have been utterly useless
0:11:49 > 0:11:51for as long as anyone can remember.
0:11:51 > 0:11:52And you know the deal?
0:11:52 > 0:11:55I'm slightly more exercised about this than the trousers...
0:11:55 > 0:11:57LAUGHTER
0:11:57 > 0:12:01The deal is that when these strikes take place,
0:12:01 > 0:12:03the passengers who don't get on the trains
0:12:03 > 0:12:04are compensated by the taxpayer,
0:12:04 > 0:12:07and the taxpayer is compensating and paying for
0:12:07 > 0:12:08the operating company.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11The only people making money are the operating company,
0:12:11 > 0:12:14and they're saying, "We don't care if there are passengers on board.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16"It's cheaper, we make more money."
0:12:16 > 0:12:18That's a deal that this government struck.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20- ONE PERSON BOOING - It's not funny,
0:12:20 > 0:12:23it's just really annoying.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Do you get this train, then, is that why you're so angry?
0:12:25 > 0:12:26I'm angry with all trains.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29I commuted for about 15 years and they were all useless.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31- That's a long journey! - LAUGHTER
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Not on Southern, that's quick!
0:12:38 > 0:12:40But it's essentially... I mean, it's a put-up job to have a fight
0:12:40 > 0:12:42in order to get rid of conductors.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44And then they'll get rid of drivers.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48And they've already got rid of trains, so they're way ahead!
0:12:48 > 0:12:50What I don't understand is all the people you see
0:12:50 > 0:12:53on the train platform who are sort of...
0:12:53 > 0:12:54They film them and they say,
0:12:54 > 0:12:56"Oh, I mean, I can't get to work now!"
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Everyone I've ever met hates going to work.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01There's nothing better than a day off, where you just go,
0:13:01 > 0:13:02"Well, there's no trains, is there?"
0:13:02 > 0:13:05If you filmed them an hour later, they'd have been at home watching
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Homes Under The Hammer in their pants!
0:13:08 > 0:13:10"Ugh, bloody strikes, I can't even get to work!"
0:13:10 > 0:13:13- Woosh! - LAUGHTER
0:13:13 > 0:13:14So, no. I don't know...
0:13:14 > 0:13:17There are very few governments that have managed to make
0:13:17 > 0:13:21their prime economic region totally grind to a standstill.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24I mean, there are 300,000 people who can't get to work,
0:13:24 > 0:13:27they can't get to interviews, they can't get to school
0:13:27 > 0:13:30and the Grayling man is saying,
0:13:30 > 0:13:33"Well, it's not my problem. I'd love to help."
0:13:33 > 0:13:35But he's the Transport Minister!
0:13:35 > 0:13:40Who else does he think is going to do it, the Fat Controller?
0:13:40 > 0:13:44ASLEF's Executive Committee earned nearly £250,000 last year,
0:13:44 > 0:13:47but what figure puts that amount into perspective?
0:13:47 > 0:13:50£99 million profit last year, Southern?
0:13:50 > 0:13:53It was actually the coin-operated toilets
0:13:53 > 0:13:54at Victoria train station...
0:13:55 > 0:13:59..that makes £1.4 million a year.
0:13:59 > 0:14:0150p a go, they cost!
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Is that worth... 50p or piss yourself?
0:14:06 > 0:14:10Depends what sort of brown leather trousers you're wearing, I suppose!
0:14:10 > 0:14:12The Southern Railway strike has made life
0:14:12 > 0:14:15extremely difficult for the ordinary working man and woman,
0:14:15 > 0:14:19so you can expect the Tory Transport Minister Chris Grayling
0:14:19 > 0:14:20not to give a damn about them.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24But what's the leader of the Labour Party been doing about it?
0:14:24 > 0:14:25I haven't noticed.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29- He's been meeting up with the union leaders.- He has.
0:14:29 > 0:14:34And he's been to the train drivers' union Christmas party.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35God, he's a member of Wizzard!
0:14:37 > 0:14:39And people are upset because these unions
0:14:39 > 0:14:41pay a lot of money into the Labour Party.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44So they're saying his position is already compromised.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45According to the Times,
0:14:45 > 0:14:49rail union ASLEF donated £118,000 to Labour last year.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51They'd be better off installing
0:14:51 > 0:14:53some coin-operated toilets, though, wouldn't they, really?
0:14:53 > 0:14:57Going back to Jeremy Corbyn, what sort of week would you say he's had?
0:14:57 > 0:14:58He had a very good PMQs.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02He embarrassed Theresa May, he made a good point about the trains.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06It's funny how you sometimes agree with people very strongly.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09What did he say about the trains?
0:15:09 > 0:15:11He said that essentially they should be nationalised,
0:15:11 > 0:15:13since we're all paying through the nose for them anyway,
0:15:13 > 0:15:16and they're utterly useless, why don't we just take it on board?
0:15:16 > 0:15:19- Do you agree? - Yeah, no, I'm totally for it.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21But, again, you know, it's one of those things.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23When you find yourself agreeing with Jeremy Corbyn,
0:15:23 > 0:15:25you think, this country is in a mess!
0:15:25 > 0:15:28LAUGHTER
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Well, it's actually been a pretty good week for him.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Labour were expected to be annihilated
0:15:32 > 0:15:34in the Sleaford by-election.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37But they were only slightly annihilated.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40According to Labour MP Vernon Croker...
0:15:51 > 0:15:52No, they came fourth.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55They are the Arsenal of politics.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58The current Labour leadership are often accused
0:15:58 > 0:16:00of being a bit paranoid, but what was troubling
0:16:00 > 0:16:04Gordon Brown's inner sanctum in 2005?
0:16:04 > 0:16:06- Blair?- No.- Press coverage?
0:16:06 > 0:16:09They feared they were being spied on by Cilla Black...
0:16:09 > 0:16:13LAUGHTER ..during the 2005 election.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15You'd have thought if anyone was going to be an awful spy,
0:16:15 > 0:16:19it was someone who's most known for presenting Surprise, Surprise.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22She wouldn't have been able to just hold herself
0:16:22 > 0:16:24from bursting out of the wardrobe.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26"Oh, God, I want to say it!"
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Theo Bertram, an adviser to Gordon Brown,
0:16:30 > 0:16:32told the Sunday Times...
0:16:48 > 0:16:51The news is really quite depressing at the moment.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Who wants to see someone that really actually does enjoy the news?
0:16:54 > 0:16:55- Yeah.- Here you go.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58BBC NEWS THEME PLAYS
0:17:16 > 0:17:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:20 > 0:17:23This is the industrial dispute which has led
0:17:23 > 0:17:26to massive disruption of services on Southern rail.
0:17:26 > 0:17:27According to the Daily Mail...
0:17:31 > 0:17:34So at least they'll know how commuters normally feel.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38The toilets at Victoria station cost 50p to use
0:17:38 > 0:17:40unless you book online two months ahead
0:17:40 > 0:17:42when you can get in for 35p
0:17:42 > 0:17:44but they still won't guarantee you a seat.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53And so to round two, the Picture Spin Quiz.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58BUZZER
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Scientists have proven that Father Christmas actually exists
0:18:01 > 0:18:02and he's a real person.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Yes, this is the news that the magic of Father Christmas
0:18:05 > 0:18:07has been scientifically explained
0:18:07 > 0:18:10using Einstein's theory of relativity.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13How do you think Father Christmas is able to visit all the homes
0:18:13 > 0:18:16he needs to in one single day?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Subcontracts.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23According to Dr Sheen, he needs to travel at...
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Why don't we hear Father Christmas approaching, though?
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Because there's a delay,
0:18:28 > 0:18:30because he's going so much faster than the speed of sound.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32So you only hear him a year later.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35That would still be Christmas Eve, wouldn't it?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Well, apparently, thanks to the Doppler effect,
0:18:43 > 0:18:46as Santa and his sleigh approach, the sound of bells
0:18:46 > 0:18:48and his deep "Ho-ho-ho"...
0:18:54 > 0:18:58Does travelling at such speed have any other effect on Santa?
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Yes, it makes him become a Jehovah's Witness.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03He goes from red to green.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Yes, due to the Doppler effect, Father Christmas would also
0:19:05 > 0:19:07appear to change colour from red to green.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09It's all to do with the speed of approach.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12I've tried it with traffic lights and it doesn't work.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16What do one third of office workers in the UK
0:19:16 > 0:19:18admit to doing at Christmas?
0:19:18 > 0:19:19Sleeping with their mother.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26How many percentage was it?
0:19:26 > 0:19:27One third.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31- Oh, no, sorry... No. - It's a bit less...
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Pulling a sicky to get out of the office Christmas party
0:19:33 > 0:19:36because they're scared of looking bad on the dance floor.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38According to the survey, one person claimed they had been...
0:19:40 > 0:19:44While another skipped the party claiming...
0:19:46 > 0:19:49In other Christmas news, why are snowmen under threat in America?
0:19:49 > 0:19:52I don't get it. They should be all right, they're white.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Well, apparently because there's a snowman killer on the loose.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59JON LAUGHS
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Jeff Diggs has installed a 20-foot inflatable snowman
0:20:02 > 0:20:03in his front garden.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07But someone clearly wasn't a fan, so drove up in the night
0:20:07 > 0:20:08and stabbed him.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12Ooh.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Aw!
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Why was that recorded on the 12th of April?
0:20:18 > 0:20:21LAUGHTER
0:20:22 > 0:20:25APPLAUSE
0:20:29 > 0:20:31I think this whole thing is a bit of a practical joke.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33There's no snowman on the 12th of April.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35And if there was, you're well within your rights
0:20:35 > 0:20:37- to stab it in the middle of the night.- Exactly.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39- Wrong place, wrong time. - Yes, this is a con, isn't it?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Because Jeff Diggs, the snowman's owner,
0:20:41 > 0:20:45- has started a GoFundMe page...- Has he?- ..to cover Frosty's repair bill,
0:20:45 > 0:20:47although there are accusations
0:20:47 > 0:20:49it's nothing more than a slush fund.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51GROANING
0:20:51 > 0:20:53That's why I strangled my neighbour's rabbit in September.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56I said, "It's not Easter.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59"What are you playing at?"
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07BUZZER
0:21:07 > 0:21:11Well, they seem to have voted their first Tsar.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Yes, this is the news that the CIA believe Russia interfered to help
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Donald Trump win the US election.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Does anyone know how the Russians
0:21:18 > 0:21:21were able to access thousands of Democratic e-mails?
0:21:21 > 0:21:24I heard it was Michael Barrymore who was over the road with a telescope.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28How did the Donald respond to the claims?
0:21:28 > 0:21:32He's discounting the advice from these organisations. CIA.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35And he's siding with the Russians on this particular one.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38It's going to be an interesting five years, isn't it?
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Yeah, I don't think we'll get that far.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42Yeah, Trump attacked the CIA
0:21:42 > 0:21:45and dismissed suggestions of any interference, saying...
0:21:55 > 0:21:58The interesting thing is, you could have leaked anything about him,
0:21:58 > 0:22:00and it wouldn't have made any difference!
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Like the Russians could have been the one who leaked that video of him
0:22:03 > 0:22:05to sort of destabilise America,
0:22:05 > 0:22:08and they would have had to go back and say, "Leak pussy grab video.
0:22:08 > 0:22:09"We did it. Rating went up."
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Trump's had a busy week of meetings,
0:22:13 > 0:22:16so who has he finally appointed to be his Secretary of State?
0:22:16 > 0:22:18It's Rex Tillerson, isn't it,
0:22:18 > 0:22:22who's the owner of Exxon, the world's biggest oil and gas company,
0:22:22 > 0:22:23and he's a friend of Russia,
0:22:23 > 0:22:25and he's appointed a Secretary of Energy
0:22:25 > 0:22:27who doesn't believe in climate change,
0:22:27 > 0:22:29he's appointed a Labour Secretary
0:22:29 > 0:22:31who doesn't agree with the minimum wage,
0:22:31 > 0:22:34so now he's just got to appoint a Health Secretary
0:22:34 > 0:22:36who is a morbidly obese man who died five years ago.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40- And then he'll have a full set. - Full team.- Yeah.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41When will the coin drop?
0:22:41 > 0:22:43When will the penny drop for the people who voted for him?
0:22:43 > 0:22:45The penny'll never drop, will it?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Cos if your whole thing is that it doesn't... They'll just say,
0:22:48 > 0:22:50"Oh, well, he couldn't get anything done cos of all the...
0:22:50 > 0:22:53you know...wasps."
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Nobody wants to admit to being duped, cos it's a terrible thing,
0:22:56 > 0:22:58so in the end, they'll defend what he's doing,
0:22:58 > 0:23:00even though it's completely opposite
0:23:00 > 0:23:03- of what they thought he was going to do.- Well, that's cheery.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06This is why fake news is so big, isn't it?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Cos it's better than real news.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10I usually do about half a paper a day,
0:23:10 > 0:23:14until it gets too depressing and then I stop, and then...
0:23:14 > 0:23:17You sometimes read online and there's just a little...
0:23:17 > 0:23:18"Oh, I sort of do want to see
0:23:18 > 0:23:21"what the twins from The Shining look like now."
0:23:23 > 0:23:26But Trump also added a bit of shine to this transition week.
0:23:26 > 0:23:31Everyone got a bit excited by Trump's meeting with these chaps.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33They're a team from Eggheads.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38That's the National Balder Patrol Council -
0:23:38 > 0:23:40sorry, BORDER Patrol Council.
0:23:40 > 0:23:45Although someone on Twitter thought it was something far more sinister.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51To which another replied...
0:23:53 > 0:23:59To which the man in the far right of the photo, Shawn Moran, replied...
0:23:59 > 0:24:01LAUGHTER
0:24:05 > 0:24:09Interestingly, if you want to recreate that photo at home,
0:24:09 > 0:24:12- just bear with me a second.- Yeah.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14This goes one of two ways.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20There we go. LAUGHTER
0:24:26 > 0:24:28If you haven't got any money at Christmas,
0:24:28 > 0:24:30you can still have fun, can't you?
0:24:30 > 0:24:34- I like bananas.- You're not selling them, are you?
0:24:35 > 0:24:40It's not just bald people. Which fellow sage did Trump meet this week?
0:24:40 > 0:24:44Is it a rapper guy? Kan-ya West, is it? Kan-ya West met him?
0:24:44 > 0:24:48I've never heard Kanye West sound so much like a question.
0:24:48 > 0:24:53Kan ya West or can't you? Cos you say you can, but I dunno!
0:24:53 > 0:24:56- Kon-ye West.- Kon-ye, is it? I've never heard it pronounced.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59- Something like that.- He's the husband of Kim Karda-she-an!
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Yes, he met the rapper Kanye West,
0:25:03 > 0:25:08allowing Trump to unleash his not-at-all awkward alpha handshake.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Here they are parting company.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Hi, there. What did you guys discuss in your meeting?
0:25:12 > 0:25:16We're just friends. Just friends, and, eh, he's a good man.
0:25:16 > 0:25:21Doing well. Long time. We've been friends for a long time.
0:25:21 > 0:25:26- You take care of yourself. I'll see you soon.- All right?
0:25:26 > 0:25:27LAUGHTER
0:25:27 > 0:25:30I mean, who comes out of a meeting and has to say, "Just friends"?!
0:25:32 > 0:25:35"What did you discuss in your meeting?"
0:25:35 > 0:25:36"I didn't touch his penis!"
0:25:39 > 0:25:43This is CIA claims that Russia interfered in the US election
0:25:43 > 0:25:45to get Trump into the White House,
0:25:45 > 0:25:50a claim dismissed by Donald Trump's spokesman with a resounding "Nyet."
0:25:50 > 0:25:53One of Trump's controversial appointments is Rex Tillerson,
0:25:53 > 0:25:56a pro-Putin oil executive who was recently given...
0:25:58 > 0:26:01It's a simple ceremony where Putin orders you to be his friend.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Fingers on buzzers, team.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10BUZZER
0:26:10 > 0:26:14- It's the FA's new plan to get girls into football.- Hm-mm.
0:26:14 > 0:26:19Pink whistles. It's the only thing been holding the women's game back.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22All these years!
0:26:22 > 0:26:26The details of a promotional campaign to encourage more girls to play sport
0:26:26 > 0:26:29was found on the FA website by a primary school headmistress.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32What were some of the suggestions?
0:26:32 > 0:26:33Bibs that smell nice.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35That is actually one, yes.
0:26:35 > 0:26:40That sounds awful, but it might just mean bibs that have been washed.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45My experience of sport, it's a key...
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Just cos I like football
0:26:47 > 0:26:52doesn't mean I want to smell another man from a week ago.
0:26:52 > 0:26:53That's a different reason.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58And...
0:27:03 > 0:27:07Where did the FA suggest putting the promotional literature?
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Tattoo it on One Direction's forehead?
0:27:10 > 0:27:12They suggested...
0:27:17 > 0:27:20On the back of a toilet... "Are you interested in playing football?"
0:27:20 > 0:27:22You wouldn't respond to any message
0:27:22 > 0:27:24on the back of a toilet door, would you?
0:27:24 > 0:27:27The suggestions were presented to a girl's under-11 football
0:27:27 > 0:27:29team in County Durham.
0:27:29 > 0:27:30What was their reaction?
0:27:30 > 0:27:32They thought it was hilarious, and said,
0:27:32 > 0:27:33"If I want to play football,
0:27:33 > 0:27:35"a mirror wouldn't make any difference."
0:27:35 > 0:27:38They thought it was a joke. One ten-year-old girl said...
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Not like Cristiano Ronaldo, then.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50Finally, what's Dickie Borthwick looking for?
0:27:50 > 0:27:51Er...the office?
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Is this your chat-up line?
0:28:01 > 0:28:03He's looking for a team to play for.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06He's 81. Here he is.
0:28:08 > 0:28:09AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:28:09 > 0:28:13So how long's he been going out with the invisible woman?
0:28:13 > 0:28:17He's too old for veterans' football and finds walking football boring.
0:28:17 > 0:28:18He said...
0:28:21 > 0:28:22He said...
0:28:26 > 0:28:29This is the news that the FA have unveiled plans
0:28:29 > 0:28:32to get more young girls to take up football.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35One ten-year-old football player, Grace, said...
0:28:38 > 0:28:42Quite right, Grace. You just need proper football training.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44And a big bag of crisps for energy.
0:28:44 > 0:28:47Time now for the Odd One Out Round.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49- Paul and Handbag.- Yes?
0:28:49 > 0:28:51Your four are John Simpson,
0:28:51 > 0:28:52Barack Obama,
0:28:52 > 0:28:54the 17th Earl of Oxford - Edward de Vere -
0:28:54 > 0:28:56and Beryl Bainbridge.
0:28:56 > 0:28:58Ah, Edward de Vere is the only one that's worn
0:28:58 > 0:29:00Nicky Morgan's handbag as a hat.
0:29:02 > 0:29:03Is it Shakespeare, is it acting?
0:29:03 > 0:29:05It's not to do with Shakespeare.
0:29:05 > 0:29:06It's not to do with Shakespeare at all.
0:29:06 > 0:29:08No, it's a question of red faces.
0:29:08 > 0:29:10Red faces? Embarrassment?
0:29:10 > 0:29:12Yes, yes, very much so.
0:29:12 > 0:29:14- Tell us.- Well, they've all embarrassed themselves
0:29:14 > 0:29:16in front of Queen Elizabeth II.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19- Except him.- Except who?- De Vere.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21- He embarrassed himself in front of Queen Elizabeth I.- Yes.
0:29:21 > 0:29:22No, that's not right,
0:29:22 > 0:29:24because she wasn't known as Elizabeth I then.
0:29:24 > 0:29:27- You're quite right. - LAUGHTER
0:29:27 > 0:29:31How did Edward de Vere embarrass himself in front of Queen Elizabeth?
0:29:31 > 0:29:33"Your Majesty, I have presented you with leggings
0:29:33 > 0:29:36"constructed from the behind of a cow."
0:29:37 > 0:29:41Well, no. A 17th-century writer, John Aubrey,
0:29:41 > 0:29:45recalled that when the earl went to bow before his monarch...
0:29:51 > 0:29:53According to Aubrey...
0:29:57 > 0:29:59- When he returned... - I know this one, yeah.
0:29:59 > 0:30:00- You know this one?- Yeah, I do.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03When he returned after seven years of shame, what did the Queen do?
0:30:03 > 0:30:04She said, "Oh, how good to see you again.
0:30:04 > 0:30:07- "We have quite forgotten about the fart."- Exactly.
0:30:08 > 0:30:09Yes!
0:30:09 > 0:30:11"Pull mine finger!"
0:30:13 > 0:30:16How did the BBC's John Simpson embarrass himself
0:30:16 > 0:30:18in front of Queen Elizabeth in the '70s?
0:30:18 > 0:30:19Did he do the same as the other fella?
0:30:19 > 0:30:22Well, he let rip, but a different way.
0:30:22 > 0:30:23Ripped his trousers?
0:30:23 > 0:30:25Aha, revealing...
0:30:25 > 0:30:28- Cilla Black! - LAUGHTER
0:30:31 > 0:30:33Surprise, surprise!
0:30:35 > 0:30:37I don't know, tickled me.
0:30:37 > 0:30:38Cilla Black tickled you?
0:30:40 > 0:30:42In a recent interview in the Guardian,
0:30:42 > 0:30:44John Simpson recounted a meeting with the Queen
0:30:44 > 0:30:48at an agricultural show in Zambia in 1979.
0:30:55 > 0:30:58John saw the Queen two days later. She said...
0:31:02 > 0:31:03Cracking sense of humour.
0:31:03 > 0:31:06- Should get her on the show! - She's been asked.
0:31:06 > 0:31:08Yeah. We asked tonight.
0:31:08 > 0:31:12Another 200 quid and we could have got her.
0:31:12 > 0:31:15How did award-winning author Dame Beryl Bainbridge
0:31:15 > 0:31:18embarrass herself in front of the Queen at a 2002 party?
0:31:18 > 0:31:20Beryl was chatting to another guest
0:31:20 > 0:31:23and moaned about what a rubbish time she was having, saying...
0:31:25 > 0:31:28Then she was hastily ushered away, and heard to say...
0:31:31 > 0:31:34Barack Obama began proposing a toast to the Queen
0:31:34 > 0:31:37when the orchestra accidentally started playing the national anthem
0:31:37 > 0:31:41believing he had given them a cue which left Obama talking over it,
0:31:41 > 0:31:43which is an absolute no-no, of course.
0:31:43 > 0:31:44Let's have a look.
0:31:44 > 0:31:47Ladies and gentlemen, please stand with me
0:31:47 > 0:31:50and raise your glasses as I propose a toast.
0:31:54 > 0:31:55To Her Majesty, the Queen.
0:31:57 > 0:32:00To the vitality of the special relationship...
0:32:00 > 0:32:03- ORCHESTRA PLAYING - ..between our peoples
0:32:03 > 0:32:05and, in the words of Shakespeare,
0:32:05 > 0:32:10to this blessed plot, this Earth,
0:32:10 > 0:32:12this realm, this England.
0:32:12 > 0:32:13To the Queen.
0:32:13 > 0:32:17ORCHESTRA CONTINUES
0:32:42 > 0:32:45It's actually a really good voiceover speech, isn't it? Rousing!
0:32:45 > 0:32:47It's the British at their most powerful.
0:32:47 > 0:32:51- Nobody said a word! - LAUGHTER
0:32:51 > 0:32:52They have all embarrassed themselves
0:32:52 > 0:32:56in front of Queen Elizabeth II apart from Edward de Vere,
0:32:56 > 0:32:57the 17th Earl of Oxford,
0:32:57 > 0:33:01who embarrassed himself by breaking wind in front of Queen Elizabeth I.
0:33:01 > 0:33:04Next year, history is likely to repeat itself
0:33:04 > 0:33:07when, during a state visit, there will be an even more unsavoury Trump
0:33:07 > 0:33:09in front of a Queen Elizabeth.
0:33:11 > 0:33:13According to one historical authority...
0:33:18 > 0:33:20Amongst his finest work is the couplet,
0:33:20 > 0:33:22"He who smelt it dealt it."
0:33:25 > 0:33:28In 1979, shortly before meeting the Queen in Zambia,
0:33:28 > 0:33:31John Simpson ripped the backside of his trousers to reveal...
0:33:33 > 0:33:35And for a few seconds, his life was in grave danger
0:33:35 > 0:33:40as Prince Philip grabbed his hunting rifle, shouting, "Baboon!"
0:33:40 > 0:33:42Ian and Jon, here are yours.
0:33:42 > 0:33:44Bill and Melinda Gates,
0:33:44 > 0:33:45Jane Austen,
0:33:45 > 0:33:46Graham Andrew
0:33:46 > 0:33:51and 18th century cartographer, John Spilsbury.
0:33:51 > 0:33:53I think it's to do with jigsaws,
0:33:53 > 0:33:56cos Bill and Melinda Gates, they said this week they do jigsaws
0:33:56 > 0:34:00when they go away on holiday and try and do a jigsaw first.
0:34:00 > 0:34:01Did Jane Austen do jigsaws?
0:34:01 > 0:34:03I ask the questions. You give the answers.
0:34:03 > 0:34:05OK, let's guess she did.
0:34:05 > 0:34:06And he did.
0:34:06 > 0:34:11He's...some charity...big. And that, there are bits of a map missing.
0:34:11 > 0:34:14Was that the first map that was turned into a jigsaw?
0:34:14 > 0:34:15Yes.
0:34:15 > 0:34:18They all do jigsaws except the jigsaw that is one.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21No. No. But you're very close.
0:34:21 > 0:34:25- They all do jigsaws...apart from Jane Austen.- Except Jane Austen.
0:34:25 > 0:34:26Who hated them.
0:34:26 > 0:34:29I don't know whether she hated them, but she did something else.
0:34:29 > 0:34:32Oh, yes - bat and ball. She had that game, didn't she?
0:34:32 > 0:34:34It just sold in auction this week.
0:34:34 > 0:34:36Yeah, bat and a ball. You know - blum blum blum blum blum. That one.
0:34:36 > 0:34:40- Nearly.- Was it more like bla bla bla bla?
0:34:40 > 0:34:43They're all jigsaw enthusiasts apart from Jane Austen,
0:34:43 > 0:34:47so you got that right, who preferred bilbocatch to amuse herself.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49Do you know what bilbocatch is?
0:34:49 > 0:34:52Like the ice cream cone with the...
0:34:52 > 0:34:53Ah, that one, yes.
0:34:53 > 0:34:56It's a simple game where you try to get a ball on a string into a cup.
0:34:56 > 0:34:59You'd think it might be boring, but just look how much fun it is.
0:35:00 > 0:35:03LAUGHTER
0:35:03 > 0:35:07One of Jane Austen's letters up for auction this week revealed how people
0:35:07 > 0:35:10used to amuse themselves in the early 19th century.
0:35:10 > 0:35:13What did a typical weekend consist of?
0:35:13 > 0:35:15Jagerbombs?
0:35:15 > 0:35:17It consisted of spillikins...
0:35:23 > 0:35:26It's kind of a Ian Hislop theme park.
0:35:29 > 0:35:32- What's the...- You have to be this high to ride Ian Hislop.
0:35:35 > 0:35:39John Spilsbury created the first-ever jigsaw puzzle in 1766
0:35:39 > 0:35:43as an educational tool to teach geography.
0:35:43 > 0:35:45According to Conde Nast Traveller magazine,
0:35:45 > 0:35:48what does billionaire businessman Bill Gates
0:35:48 > 0:35:49always take on holiday with him?
0:35:49 > 0:35:51- You'll guess this.- Hm.
0:35:51 > 0:35:52- Jigsaws.- Yes!
0:35:52 > 0:35:55And Sellotape for their glasses.
0:35:55 > 0:35:59He goes on holiday with his wife, and they have two identical
0:35:59 > 0:36:01- hand-carved jigsaws...- Yes. - ..worth £12,000.
0:36:01 > 0:36:05They race each other to complete the puzzles
0:36:05 > 0:36:08to the soundtrack of The Sound Of Music.
0:36:08 > 0:36:11Why don't they just admit that the marriage is over,
0:36:11 > 0:36:13just get on with their lives?
0:36:13 > 0:36:16I mean, I would take that as code. If my wife ever said to me,
0:36:16 > 0:36:20"Why don't we both take our own jigsaws on holiday...?"
0:36:20 > 0:36:22The same jigsaws, and compete!
0:36:22 > 0:36:25Just tell me it's over, love, and I'll wish you all the best.
0:36:25 > 0:36:29Our separate rooms thing at the moment is weird enough, I think.
0:36:29 > 0:36:30I go with it.
0:36:30 > 0:36:33Finally, what disaster recently befell
0:36:33 > 0:36:35Norfolk jigsaw enthusiast Graham Andrew?
0:36:35 > 0:36:39Did he have an epiphany that he's wasting his life?
0:36:39 > 0:36:43He spent two weeks finishing a world record
0:36:43 > 0:36:4621-feet long 34,000-piece puzzle
0:36:46 > 0:36:49only to find there were four pieces missing.
0:36:49 > 0:36:51- They'll be in a slipper somewhere! - Yeah, exactly.
0:36:51 > 0:36:55It's what happens when you buy at a charity shop.
0:36:55 > 0:36:57They are all jigsaw enthusiasts
0:36:57 > 0:37:00apart from Jane Austen who preferred bilbocatch.
0:37:00 > 0:37:03Jane Austen said she enjoyed a number of pastimes including...
0:37:06 > 0:37:08..which, coincidentally,
0:37:08 > 0:37:13are the only live sports the BBC still has the rights to.
0:37:13 > 0:37:16Inventor of the first jigsaw John Spilsbury died in 1769.
0:37:16 > 0:37:20It was quite a funeral. He was buried in a plain white wooden box
0:37:20 > 0:37:22with a picture of himself on the lid.
0:37:22 > 0:37:25His wife was in pieces.
0:37:26 > 0:37:28Good joke. Yeah, good.
0:37:28 > 0:37:30The Queen is sent a jigsaw puzzle every year
0:37:30 > 0:37:32by the British Jigsaw Library.
0:37:32 > 0:37:36She starts it on December 1st and tries to get it done by Christmas Day
0:37:36 > 0:37:38when she has to go back to work for ten minutes.
0:37:41 > 0:37:43Time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:37:43 > 0:37:46which this week features as its guest publication
0:37:46 > 0:37:48Bacon Today.
0:37:49 > 0:37:51You can find it on the shelves next to
0:37:51 > 0:37:52Heart Attack Tomorrow.
0:37:52 > 0:37:54And we start with...
0:37:56 > 0:37:57Barry Manilow!
0:37:59 > 0:38:01Cilla Black.
0:38:02 > 0:38:04It's movie snow.
0:38:04 > 0:38:06Good fact. You'd think they'd use Frosties.
0:38:07 > 0:38:08Next...
0:38:11 > 0:38:13They are willing to forgive him
0:38:13 > 0:38:15for those awful mobile phone adverts.
0:38:22 > 0:38:24You can tell someone's a bacon addict if...
0:38:29 > 0:38:32Luckily, bacon addiction is one that can be cured.
0:38:33 > 0:38:36The real problem... HE LAUGHS
0:38:36 > 0:38:38You're going to be very disappointed
0:38:38 > 0:38:40with your Christmas cracker jokes if you don't like that one!
0:38:40 > 0:38:41Next...
0:38:48 > 0:38:49Pissed.
0:38:52 > 0:38:54A large slab of bacon!
0:38:55 > 0:38:58Shove it through their letterbox.
0:38:58 > 0:39:00"Here you are, love, dead pig."
0:39:02 > 0:39:05- Is it right?- I don't know, I can't find it. I've lost it.
0:39:07 > 0:39:08What was that last one?
0:39:08 > 0:39:11- I've got it.- You've got it? Great. - I'm back in order. Phew!
0:39:12 > 0:39:15- Bacon flowers.- Bacon roses!
0:39:15 > 0:39:17Bacon roses. Oh, I see.
0:39:17 > 0:39:18GROANING
0:39:18 > 0:39:20Smells nice.
0:39:20 > 0:39:21Next...
0:39:23 > 0:39:26Host on Have I Got News For You that knows what they're doing.
0:39:26 > 0:39:28- Next year's big thing... - LAUGHTER
0:39:28 > 0:39:30..is expected to be...
0:39:36 > 0:39:37And finally...
0:39:41 > 0:39:43What noise does a washing machine make, though?
0:39:43 > 0:39:46- Woom-woom.- Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!
0:39:46 > 0:39:48Bruce Forsyth! "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."
0:39:48 > 0:39:50That's the spin.
0:39:51 > 0:39:53It's a very fast cycle, that one.
0:39:59 > 0:40:00Lesley thinks it's saying,
0:40:00 > 0:40:02"Come on, then," in a Cockney accent.
0:40:02 > 0:40:03Shall we have a listen?
0:40:03 > 0:40:07- Yeah.- Yeah, let's, I want to hear this.- Here we go.
0:40:07 > 0:40:10MACHINE MAKES NOISE LIKE "Come on, then"
0:40:10 > 0:40:12LAUGHTER
0:40:18 > 0:40:21- "Come on, then. Come on, then." - Yeah, it's good. Definitely.
0:40:21 > 0:40:22"Come on, then. Come on, then."
0:40:22 > 0:40:24The machine has three cycles, for delicates, woollens,
0:40:24 > 0:40:27- and Dot Cottons. - Hooray!- Ba-dum-tish!
0:40:28 > 0:40:33So the final scores are, Handbag and Paul - 5.
0:40:33 > 0:40:35Ian and Jon - 5. It's a tie.
0:40:35 > 0:40:37- Oh, well, there we are. - APPLAUSE
0:40:37 > 0:40:40Unbelievable. We've done it, we beat the handbag.
0:40:41 > 0:40:44On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:40:44 > 0:40:46Ian Hislop and Jon Richardson,
0:40:46 > 0:40:48Paul Merton and Handbag,
0:40:48 > 0:40:49and I leave you with news
0:40:49 > 0:40:52that the creative team behind Tinder introduce Sniffer,
0:40:52 > 0:40:54a new dating website for dogs.
0:40:58 > 0:41:01In Washington, as President and Mrs Obama
0:41:01 > 0:41:04share a warm and tender embrace, one embarrassed bystander
0:41:04 > 0:41:06doesn't know where to look.
0:41:12 > 0:41:14And after being told to gather promptly at eight o'clock,
0:41:14 > 0:41:17staff at the Foreign Office Christmas party begin to wonder
0:41:17 > 0:41:19where Boris has got to.
0:41:23 > 0:41:24Goodnight.