0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language
0:00:30 > 0:00:33APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41I'm Jo Brand.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42In the news this week...
0:00:42 > 0:00:44At the European Parliament,
0:00:44 > 0:00:47as Theresa May explains the British government's position
0:00:47 > 0:00:51on trade tariffs and post-Brexit import restrictions,
0:00:51 > 0:00:52security struggles to cope.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56LAUGHTER
0:00:58 > 0:01:00LAUGHTER
0:01:00 > 0:01:04In London, one disgruntled commuter decides to put his dispute
0:01:04 > 0:01:07with the rail company behind him and move on.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11LAUGHTER
0:01:12 > 0:01:14LAUGHTER
0:01:16 > 0:01:20And following viewers' complaints that EastEnders is too bleak,
0:01:20 > 0:01:23scriptwriters come up with a new hobby for Phil Mitchell.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26LATIN DANCE MUSIC
0:01:26 > 0:01:29LAUGHTER
0:01:33 > 0:01:37On Ian's team tonight is the leader of the Liberal Democrat party,
0:01:37 > 0:01:41who is appearing on the show just two weeks after Nick Clegg,
0:01:41 > 0:01:45which means the Lib Dems have had almost as many seats in this studio
0:01:45 > 0:01:47as they have in Parliament. LAUGHTER
0:01:47 > 0:01:48APPLAUSE
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Please welcome Tim Farron.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:57 > 0:02:00And with Paul tonight is a presenter and football pundit
0:02:00 > 0:02:04who's famous for not knowing what's going on on the pitch.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Which makes him favourite to be the next England manager.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09LAUGHTER
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Please welcome Chris Kamara.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Are you likely to be the next England manager?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19No, I'm not likely to be the next England manager.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20OK, I'm just checking.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22I've got too many skeletons in my closet!
0:02:22 > 0:02:24LAUGHTER
0:02:26 > 0:02:28How about President of the United States of America?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30LAUGHTER
0:02:30 > 0:02:33That's a possibility. I cannot believe for one minute
0:02:33 > 0:02:36that they'd want to replace a black president with an orange one!
0:02:36 > 0:02:39LAUGHTER
0:02:39 > 0:02:42APPLAUSE
0:02:42 > 0:02:44And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Ian and Tim, take a look at this...
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Prime Minister, do you know what's going on? Nope, nope.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52- Slippery animal there.- With a fish.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54LAUGHTER
0:02:54 > 0:02:56- That's Davis and Fox. - Looking like the pound.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Oh, the Chancellor takes on allcomers.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Yeah, Fox hunting, maybe.
0:03:00 > 0:03:01This is Brexit, isn't it?
0:03:01 > 0:03:04And there's civil war breaking out in the Tory party.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06It's going to be messy.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- It is.- It's going to be a party that falls apart.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Riven by factions. It's just...
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- How can anyone do that?- We have none of that, it's marvellous!
0:03:14 > 0:03:16- LAUGHTER - Well, there's only 11 of you.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18- Yeah, well... - LAUGHTER
0:03:18 > 0:03:19- It's not quite that yet.- Is it not?
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Obviously, after Witney, we'll have gained three MPs, probably.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23LAUGHTER
0:03:23 > 0:03:25- In one seat?- I think so. - God, you're good.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27LAUGHTER
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Well, this is indeed the news that Brexit still means Brexit,
0:03:30 > 0:03:33and we have to keep talking about it FOR EVER.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34Pretty much forever, yep.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38What secret document from Boris's past was revealed this week?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40He has a column in the Telegraph,
0:03:40 > 0:03:42- and he couldn't make his mind up, so he wrote two.- Mm.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44One saying we definitely should leave
0:03:44 > 0:03:47and the other saying we definitely should remain.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49And people have suggested this is...
0:03:49 > 0:03:51you know, indication that he's a bit two-faced,
0:03:51 > 0:03:54and wasn't sure which way to jump, or is a bit of a hypocrite,
0:03:54 > 0:03:56or an opportunist, or, you know...
0:03:56 > 0:03:57LAUGHTER
0:03:57 > 0:04:00People are very, very rude about Boris,
0:04:00 > 0:04:01I think, you know,
0:04:01 > 0:04:03he's just on the make, really!
0:04:03 > 0:04:04LAUGHTER
0:04:04 > 0:04:06APPLAUSE
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Have you had a chance to reconsider
0:04:09 > 0:04:11your public call for him to be arrested?
0:04:11 > 0:04:14LAUGHTER
0:04:14 > 0:04:15- No.- "No"!
0:04:15 > 0:04:17LAUGHTER
0:04:17 > 0:04:19I stick by every word of it.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20Except I've got another column
0:04:20 > 0:04:23where I said I thought he should be let off.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24LAUGHTER
0:04:25 > 0:04:29Let's have a look at what his secret one actually said.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30The secret one!
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Also, he gave warnings about the downsides of Brexit,
0:04:42 > 0:04:45arguing that it could lead to economic shock,
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Russian aggression
0:04:47 > 0:04:48and a new Scottish referendum.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51In fact, the only thing he didn't see coming
0:04:51 > 0:04:53was Will Young dropping out of Strictly.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55LAUGHTER
0:04:55 > 0:04:58In his pro-remain article, Boris wrote...
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Which is a strange coincidence
0:05:04 > 0:05:05because those are the exact words he said to me
0:05:05 > 0:05:08in a nightmare that's costing me a fortune in therapy.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10LAUGHTER
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Now, how did Boris Johnson wreak revenge
0:05:16 > 0:05:18on his old pal, Michael Gove, this week?
0:05:20 > 0:05:21- Ooh.- Didn't see it.
0:05:21 > 0:05:22Well, according to the Mail,
0:05:22 > 0:05:26Boris's father, Stanley, helped blackball Gove
0:05:26 > 0:05:30from joining the exclusive Beefsteak Gentleman's Club
0:05:30 > 0:05:34as a revenge for destroying Boris's prime ministerial hopes.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37LAUGHTER
0:05:37 > 0:05:39They're a tough bunch, those Tories, aren't they?
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- LAUGHTER - Oh, no, I can't join the Beefsteak!
0:05:42 > 0:05:43LAUGHTER
0:05:43 > 0:05:45The Beefsteak Club has a very clever way
0:05:45 > 0:05:48of easing communication between its members and the waiting staff.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Does anyone know what that is?
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Is that ear trumpets?
0:05:52 > 0:05:53LAUGHTER
0:05:53 > 0:05:54SPOTTED DICK!
0:05:54 > 0:05:56LAUGHTER
0:05:56 > 0:05:57You'll have to see the doctor.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59LAUGHTER
0:05:59 > 0:06:00There's a bell underneath the table.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02- Bing!- No.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05If only it was that prosaic.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12LAUGHTER
0:06:12 > 0:06:13Great.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Is that also adopted by the Royal family?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17LAUGHTER
0:06:17 > 0:06:19- Charles, Charles... - Charlie, Charles...
0:06:19 > 0:06:20If I was one of the Charleses,
0:06:20 > 0:06:23I'd probably just have one name for all the members, too.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25LAUGHTER
0:06:25 > 0:06:27- Does that begin with T? - LAUGHTER
0:06:27 > 0:06:28No, Chris, it begins with C.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31LAUGHTER
0:06:31 > 0:06:34What did Elmar Brok, chairman of... LAUGHTER
0:06:34 > 0:06:36..EU's Foreign Affairs Committee
0:06:36 > 0:06:38have to say about our Brexit ministers?
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Do you know?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41He said that one of them was extremely good-looking.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43LAUGHTER
0:06:47 > 0:06:50This is a very thin disguise, what's Boris up to?
0:06:50 > 0:06:51LAUGHTER
0:06:54 > 0:06:55APPLAUSE
0:06:55 > 0:06:58It's one of those glasses, nose, moustache, comes-off-in-one-go,
0:06:58 > 0:07:00- isn't it? - LAUGHTER
0:07:00 > 0:07:01He did say...
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Oh, dear. LAUGHTER
0:07:10 > 0:07:13What does Jacob Rees-Mogg think of Mr Brok?
0:07:13 > 0:07:14I wake up every morning
0:07:14 > 0:07:17wondering what Jacob Rees-Mogg is going to say next.
0:07:17 > 0:07:18LAUGHTER
0:07:18 > 0:07:21I have a special tea towel embroidered "What would Jacob do?"
0:07:21 > 0:07:22LAUGHTER
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Let's hear about the wonderful Jacob Rees-Mogg,
0:07:25 > 0:07:27who looks like he's propagated in a greenhouse.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28- What has he got to say? - LAUGHTER
0:07:28 > 0:07:31- Jacob who?- Jacob Rees-Mogg. - LAUGHTER
0:07:31 > 0:07:32The finest halfback line West Ham ever had!
0:07:32 > 0:07:34LAUGHTER
0:07:34 > 0:07:37- Bobby Rees, Nickey Mogg. - LAUGHTER
0:07:37 > 0:07:38He was the ball winner.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40- I remember him well!- Nicky Mogg.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43If you don't know who he is, you'll have quite an experience.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Here we go. LAUGHTER
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Elmar Brok is clueless, he's a know-nothing blowhard.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50LAUGHTER
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Meanwhile, the first of around 300 migrant children
0:07:54 > 0:07:56with family already living here
0:07:56 > 0:07:59have been arriving from the Calais Jungle.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Why has this been controversial?
0:08:02 > 0:08:06Some of them, according to some observers,
0:08:06 > 0:08:08don't look as young as they wanted them to look.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12The Tories are concerned that some of the refugees we're letting in
0:08:12 > 0:08:14might not be quite desperate enough.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15Which is very big of them.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17On the whole, we prefer children to be either drowning
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- or being dragged from a building in Aleppo.- Yes.
0:08:20 > 0:08:25Well, David Davis tweeted a picture of some of the children, saying...
0:08:30 > 0:08:33- There are 14 of them, there are hardly any of them.- Yeah.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35But people don't like the idea that there's lots and lots
0:08:35 > 0:08:37of young men, cos they're the people who come,
0:08:37 > 0:08:40because it's young men who get... shipped this way.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44The family say, "Oh, we'll give you the money, you go there first."
0:08:44 > 0:08:46- They're going to be young men, that's what they look like.- Yeah.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49The Daily Mail are keen, would you believe,
0:08:49 > 0:08:50on checking the ages of these people.
0:08:50 > 0:08:56They've aged this man using a computer programme
0:08:56 > 0:08:58as aged 38.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59LAUGHTER
0:08:59 > 0:09:04According to Microsoft, the app the Mail used is...
0:09:08 > 0:09:11So we've done it to you, Ian and Paul.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13LAUGHTER
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Ian, 26.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16- LAUGHTER - What?!
0:09:16 > 0:09:18And Paul, 28.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Don't get too pleased with yourselves.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23This is what happened with Norman Tebbit.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26LAUGHTER
0:09:26 > 0:09:2723!
0:09:29 > 0:09:30Yeah.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34Obviously, it's quite tricky to distinguish adults from children,
0:09:34 > 0:09:36as the Mail themselves pointed out
0:09:36 > 0:09:38on page 13 of the same newspaper.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40- Mm.- Yeah.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Cindy Crawford, 50, and her daughter, 15.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46- Oh, but which is which? - Which is which? Oh...
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Moving on, quickly... LAUGHTER
0:09:49 > 0:09:52So, Theresa's in Brussels now, as we record the programme...
0:09:52 > 0:09:54That's exciting, isn't it?
0:09:54 > 0:09:55..hoping for...
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Yes, we mustn't say hard or soft any more.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03- Smooth.- It's like boiled eggs. Got to be smooth.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05And I had a smooth Brexit for breakfast this morning
0:10:05 > 0:10:07which I made in my Nutribullet.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10LAUGHTER
0:10:10 > 0:10:12What is she not allowed to talk about over dinner?
0:10:12 > 0:10:15- And I can vouch for that, I was sat in the next room!- Now, now...
0:10:15 > 0:10:18LAUGHTER
0:10:18 > 0:10:20- You as well?! - LAUGHTER
0:10:20 > 0:10:22I was told to hide in the airing cupboard.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24LAUGHTER
0:10:24 > 0:10:26She gets to tell the other leaders
0:10:26 > 0:10:30what her plans are, but they won't respond, as Donald Tusk has said
0:10:30 > 0:10:34there will be no pre-negotiations until Article 50 is triggered.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37You go way back, you and Theresa, don't you?
0:10:37 > 0:10:40We do, yeah. Once upon a time, we both had Rick Astley's haircut.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42LAUGHTER
0:10:42 > 0:10:46We stood for North West Durham in a very safe Labour seat in 1992.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Let's have a little look at you in happier times.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Here you are in a synthpop duo in the '80s.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55LAUGHTER
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Am I right or am I right?
0:10:57 > 0:10:58APPLAUSE
0:10:59 > 0:11:02During that election, you were competing for the same seat.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05- We were.- And you both lost to the Labour candidate,
0:11:05 > 0:11:07to Hilary Armstrong. Who'd have thought back then
0:11:07 > 0:11:10that you two total losers could go on to such great things?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12LAUGHTER
0:11:12 > 0:11:14- Actually, Tim, you were in a band, weren't you?- Yes.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Tell us what's going on here.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18LAUGHTER
0:11:18 > 0:11:21So...that is Robert on the right and David on the left.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25And we were utterly, utterly dreadful.
0:11:25 > 0:11:26Was that the name of the band?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28LAUGHTER
0:11:28 > 0:11:30We were terrible, but we had a great time.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Which sort of sums up my life, really!
0:11:32 > 0:11:33LAUGHTER
0:11:33 > 0:11:34APPLAUSE
0:11:36 > 0:11:40Tim, you've been fighting hard to put the Lib Dems back on the map.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Let's have a little look at some footage
0:11:43 > 0:11:45from the Lib Dem party conference
0:11:45 > 0:11:48a few weeks back, just to see how well it's going.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49Went very well.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Do you know which political party's having a conference here this week?
0:11:52 > 0:11:54- I don't know. - LAUGHTER
0:11:56 > 0:11:57- Couldn't tell you.- Really?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59I didn't realise there was one. Is there?
0:11:59 > 0:12:00The TUC were here.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02LAUGHTER
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Do you know which political party's got its conference
0:12:04 > 0:12:07- going on here at the moment? - Oh...- Yeah, that one there.
0:12:07 > 0:12:08LAUGHTER
0:12:08 > 0:12:09What do you think of them?
0:12:09 > 0:12:11What do I think of them? Who are they?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13LAUGHTER
0:12:13 > 0:12:15It's going well! It's going well.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Aww! Who's been using the referendum result
0:12:18 > 0:12:21to further her own aims this week?
0:12:21 > 0:12:22Go up the country to the top bit.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24The Queen?
0:12:24 > 0:12:25No. LAUGHTER
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- Nicola Sturgeon. - Nicola Sturgeon, that's right.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- What's she threatening?- Another vote on Scottish independence.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33A second one in a generation.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36- Well, let's just have a look at how the BBC reported it.- Yeah.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39We're going to be joined by Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon...
0:12:39 > 0:12:41LAUGHTER
0:12:41 > 0:12:43..talking about plans for a second referendum on independence.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47I'm sorry, we've very clearly run the wrong pictures.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48LAUGHTER
0:12:48 > 0:12:50My apologies there.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51LAUGHTER
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Come on, to be fair, none of us are at our best
0:12:56 > 0:12:57that early in the morning.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59LAUGHTER
0:12:59 > 0:13:00He looked all right to me!
0:13:00 > 0:13:03LAUGHTER
0:13:03 > 0:13:06This is the bleating of bitter Remoaners
0:13:06 > 0:13:10who refuse to accept the democratic verdict of the British people.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12There, that's the balance taken care of.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Let's lay into the idiots that got us into this mess.
0:13:14 > 0:13:15LAUGHTER
0:13:15 > 0:13:18APPLAUSE
0:13:19 > 0:13:22If you clap, the complaints will just flood in!
0:13:22 > 0:13:24LAUGHTER
0:13:24 > 0:13:26In the post-referendum fallout,
0:13:26 > 0:13:29The Sunday Times revealed that at one point...
0:13:32 > 0:13:35The only reason he didn't is that he hates queueing.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38LAUGHTER
0:13:38 > 0:13:41APPLAUSE
0:13:43 > 0:13:47Many have questioned Boris Johnson's diplomatic skills,
0:13:47 > 0:13:49and feel he should be replaced by someone
0:13:49 > 0:13:51who has a deeper cultural understanding
0:13:51 > 0:13:53of our European neighbours.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56LAUGHTER
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Meanwhile, the Independent reported
0:14:00 > 0:14:02that the first unaccompanied children
0:14:02 > 0:14:03from the Jungle in Calais...
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Well, you can't make the transition from squalor
0:14:08 > 0:14:09and deprivation too abrupt!
0:14:09 > 0:14:10LAUGHTER
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Paul and Chris, take a look at this.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Here we are, the magnificent idiot, Trump.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21That's Bill with his wandering hands.
0:14:21 > 0:14:22LAUGHTER
0:14:22 > 0:14:24That's probably her e-mails.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28That's Julian Assange, who's become a burglar, not very successfully.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31So, Donald Trump, American President, as he still keeps going.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33He's losing lots of votes now as it becomes more and more obvious
0:14:33 > 0:14:37- what he's like. That's basically it, isn't it?- That's basically it, yes.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41- The US election, as it struggles to an unedifying climax...- Yes.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43I've experienced a few of those.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45LAUGHTER
0:14:45 > 0:14:47- Oh, have you?- Yes, yeah.- Oh.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50- Sorry to hear that.- Thanks, Paul.
0:14:50 > 0:14:51LAUGHTER
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Were any of them your own, or was it sort of...?
0:14:53 > 0:14:55LAUGHTER
0:14:55 > 0:14:56The final debate was...
0:14:56 > 0:14:57LAUGHTER
0:14:57 > 0:14:59..on Wednesday.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01How did the debate kick off?
0:15:01 > 0:15:04- With a right hook. - LAUGHTER
0:15:04 > 0:15:05- No handshake.- No.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Well, you don't want him touching you, do you?!
0:15:08 > 0:15:09LAUGHTER
0:15:10 > 0:15:13That's the sort of thing most women wouldn't volunteer for.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14LAUGHTER
0:15:14 > 0:15:18Trump said he's not going to accept the verdict, unless he wins.
0:15:18 > 0:15:19He said...
0:15:31 > 0:15:34LAUGHTER
0:15:34 > 0:15:38What else has Trump whinged about, according to Hillary?
0:15:38 > 0:15:39- The Grammys.- Yes.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42He lost the Grammys cos they're rigged, too, apparently.
0:15:42 > 0:15:43Yes. His show didn't win.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Absolutely. Let's have a little look, shall we?
0:15:45 > 0:15:49There was even a time when he didn't get an Emmy for his TV programme
0:15:49 > 0:15:52three years in a row and he started tweeting that the Emmys were rigged.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Should have gotten it.
0:15:54 > 0:15:55LAUGHTER
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Who did Trump invite to sit in the front row
0:16:00 > 0:16:02and make Hillary feel weird?
0:16:02 > 0:16:03Was it Putin?
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- Barack's half brother. - Yes, indeed. That's right.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10He doesn't like his brother, the President.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Do you know why?
0:16:12 > 0:16:13Sibling rivalry.
0:16:13 > 0:16:14LAUGHTER
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Well, I suppose it kind of amounts to that.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Malik Obama told ITV...
0:16:23 > 0:16:26LAUGHTER
0:16:26 > 0:16:28APPLAUSE
0:16:32 > 0:16:35And says to me, what have you done?!
0:16:35 > 0:16:37To be fair, though, he is the President!
0:16:37 > 0:16:39LAUGHTER
0:16:39 > 0:16:42What rule did Trump try and impose on last night's debate?
0:16:42 > 0:16:45No sense.
0:16:45 > 0:16:46LAUGHTER
0:16:46 > 0:16:47No facts.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51He thought Hillary was on some kind of performance-enhancing drugs.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53A drugs test!
0:16:53 > 0:16:56So, yes, he tried to insist they both be drug tested.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59He'd have tested positive for Spray Mount.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01LAUGHTER
0:17:03 > 0:17:05I just read that, actually.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07I was reading the paper, and I thought it said a rug test.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09LAUGHTER
0:17:10 > 0:17:15What were the latest Hillary Clinton e-mails to emerge from WikiLeaks?
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Stuff about infighting with her staff.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21Well, Hillary's campaign chairman, John Podesta, called Hillary's
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Democratic rival-turned-supporter Bernie Sanders...
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- I'm not sure I know what a doofus is.- Is it Latin?
0:17:29 > 0:17:31LAUGHTER
0:17:31 > 0:17:32- Doofus... Yes.- I'm sure it is.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34A doofus.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35Well, the plural's doofae.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38LAUGHTER
0:17:38 > 0:17:39Dooforum.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41Doofis, doofis...
0:17:41 > 0:17:44LAUGHTER
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Just declining it for my own pleasure.
0:17:46 > 0:17:47LAUGHTER
0:17:47 > 0:17:50I don't know. What, because he was getting a lot of votes
0:17:50 > 0:17:53against her, because he had policies that made sense? People liked him?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55He's too environmental.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58- OK.- Ah, that won't wash.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59Can't have that.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02I mean, it is a pity that Hillary is such a terrible candidate.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Anyone else would have won by now!
0:18:04 > 0:18:07LAUGHTER
0:18:07 > 0:18:10- If Michelle Obama was standing, it'd be all over!- Be all over, yeah.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Got the wrong President's wife.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13LAUGHTER
0:18:13 > 0:18:15APPLAUSE
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Obviously, a lot of liberals were upset
0:18:20 > 0:18:22that WikiLeaks and Julian Assange,
0:18:22 > 0:18:25whom they all admire, appears to be helping Donald Trump.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27How did Assange respond?
0:18:28 > 0:18:29Did he go and hide in the cupboard?
0:18:29 > 0:18:31LAUGHTER
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Did he have a further asylum inside his own asylum?
0:18:34 > 0:18:36LAUGHTER
0:18:36 > 0:18:38He said he's on nobody's side.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41He sent this message from the Ecuadorian Embassy in London...
0:18:45 > 0:18:47LAUGHTER
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Any preference, guys?
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Just lemon in mine, thanks.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52LAUGHTER
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Do you know that, in the four years since he's been hiding
0:18:56 > 0:18:57in the Ecuadorian Embassy,
0:18:57 > 0:19:02Julian Assange has only seen direct sunlight for 20 minutes...
0:19:03 > 0:19:06..leading to many letters from people in Manchester
0:19:06 > 0:19:08asking if they can stay with him.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10LAUGHTER
0:19:12 > 0:19:16This is the US election, and the third presidential debate.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19One of the latest allegations of Trump's misogyny
0:19:19 > 0:19:22came from a former Swedish supermodel who said...
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Unfortunately for her, she ended up next to Bill Clinton.
0:19:31 > 0:19:32LAUGHTER
0:19:32 > 0:19:35It's been revealed that Hillary Clinton's code name
0:19:35 > 0:19:38used by her secret service protection team is...
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Whereas, if someone attacks Donald Trump,
0:19:42 > 0:19:44his code name will be "never mind".
0:19:44 > 0:19:45LAUGHTER
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Comparing the work of their respective charities,
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Hillary Clinton declared that the Trump foundation...
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Apparently, it's very realistic.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01The hands seem to follow you round the room.
0:20:01 > 0:20:02LAUGHTER
0:20:02 > 0:20:04APPLAUSE
0:20:05 > 0:20:09And so to round two... the one-armed bandit of news.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the first one.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18BUZZER
0:20:18 > 0:20:22This is the reconstruction of the Battle of Hastings in 1066.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25As you can see, the battlefield's changed somewhat over the years.
0:20:25 > 0:20:26LAUGHTER
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Roughly where the coal-effect fire is is where Harold fell...
0:20:29 > 0:20:30LAUGHTER
0:20:30 > 0:20:33..and the drinks cabinet represents where William the Conqueror
0:20:33 > 0:20:34made his victory speech.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Near as dammit, Paul.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38- Is it?! - LAUGHTER
0:20:38 > 0:20:42It's the 950-year-old news that there's been a battle in Hastings.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45And if you don't want to know the result, look away now...
0:20:45 > 0:20:47LAUGHTER
0:20:49 > 0:20:50Who won?
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Who won the Battle of Hastings?
0:20:52 > 0:20:54LAUGHTER
0:20:54 > 0:20:56- It was a score draw. - Wasn't it West Ham?
0:20:56 > 0:20:57LAUGHTER
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Looked like an away win at one point.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Well, one Battle of Hastings fan built this wonderful castle
0:21:02 > 0:21:03out of balloons...
0:21:03 > 0:21:05APPRECIATIVE MURMURING
0:21:05 > 0:21:08And they even did a balloon Harold.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11LAUGHTER
0:21:11 > 0:21:14What else happened to commemorate the big day?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Well, they had a re-enactment, didn't they, in Battle?
0:21:16 > 0:21:221,000 history aficionados recreated the battle in full costume. Twice.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Here's one of them practising at home. Yeah.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25LAUGHTER
0:21:25 > 0:21:27That's how I open the door on Halloween.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29LAUGHTER
0:21:29 > 0:21:32How did the guy playing Harold get the gig? Do you know?
0:21:32 > 0:21:33I'll tell you.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- Go on.- The very Mediaeval-sounding...
0:21:37 > 0:21:41..told the Guardian he got the role of Harold because he's tall, and...
0:21:43 > 0:21:45LAUGHTER
0:21:45 > 0:21:47So, nothing like Harold at all, then.
0:21:47 > 0:21:48LAUGHTER
0:21:48 > 0:21:51According to the Guardian, those involved in the reconstruction...
0:21:54 > 0:21:58What is the chivalric code of battle reconstruction?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01When you're reconstructing a battle, you shouldn't kill other people.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02LAUGHTER
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Cos that really takes the fun out of the whole day.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09Well, it means anyone struck hard with a blunted sword or axe...
0:22:15 > 0:22:16LAUGHTER
0:22:16 > 0:22:18I think I'd just lie down and close my eyes
0:22:18 > 0:22:20as soon as the whistle went, really. It's easier, isn't it?
0:22:20 > 0:22:21LAUGHTER
0:22:21 > 0:22:24The Week Magazine busted a few myths about the Battle of Hastings.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Can anyone guess what they were?
0:22:26 > 0:22:27It didn't happen in Hastings.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28It wasn't a battle.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30LAUGHTER
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- Wasn't in 1066. - No-one called Harold involved.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35And the words "of" and "the" are under suspicion.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38LAUGHTER
0:22:38 > 0:22:40It wasn't actually in Hastings, was it?
0:22:40 > 0:22:41- It was, in fact, in Battle.- Yeah.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43They thought that was a good name for a place.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45- We're having a battle anyway. - Exactly.- Let's go there.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47- It's called Battle, let's go there. - LAUGHTER
0:22:47 > 0:22:50But then they thought, if they called it the Battle of Battle,
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- people would think they were silly. - LAUGHTER
0:22:52 > 0:22:54They nearly had a fight in a northern town called Skirmish.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55LAUGHTER
0:22:57 > 0:22:58Well, according to The Week...
0:23:00 > 0:23:02And then, when all the Anglo-Saxons gave chase,
0:23:02 > 0:23:04they turned round and killed them all.
0:23:04 > 0:23:05It's a very old tactic.
0:23:05 > 0:23:06LAUGHTER
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Has that been the Lib Dem's tactics?
0:23:08 > 0:23:09LAUGHTER
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Not until now.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14But it's important to learn. Yeah.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18As the local MP Home Secretary Amber Rudd attended the re-enactment,
0:23:18 > 0:23:20where she spent most of the day
0:23:20 > 0:23:23asking the Norman army how many foreigners they employed.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25LAUGHTER
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34BUZZER
0:23:34 > 0:23:35Sir Philip Green.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37The House of Commons are debating whether he should be
0:23:37 > 0:23:39stripped of his knighthood or not.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41- Correct.- It's very unfortunate,
0:23:41 > 0:23:44losing your knighthood in this country,
0:23:44 > 0:23:45cos I looked into it when Fred Goodwin
0:23:45 > 0:23:47from the Royal Bank of Scotland lost his.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51And the people who've been stripped of their knighthood before these two
0:23:51 > 0:23:52are Mussolini...
0:23:52 > 0:23:54LAUGHTER
0:23:54 > 0:23:56..Ceausescu and Robert Mugabe.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58LAUGHTER
0:23:58 > 0:24:00So, they're in very distinguished company!
0:24:00 > 0:24:01LAUGHTER
0:24:01 > 0:24:03What are they called when they lose their knighthood?
0:24:05 > 0:24:08- Well, it's another title.- Yes. - You referred to it earlier.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09LAUGHTER
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Does that begin with a T?!
0:24:11 > 0:24:12LAUGHTER
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Philip Green had a two-pronged approach for dealing with the press
0:24:14 > 0:24:17when he was in Monaco. What was that?
0:24:17 > 0:24:19He never answered any questions.
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Well, here's tactic one.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24Evading a photographer using his highly prized skills
0:24:24 > 0:24:25as a sneaky little hider.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29LAUGHTER
0:24:32 > 0:24:33And here's tactic two.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37When the hiding doesn't quite go according to plan.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Sir Philip, people want to know why you're on holiday
0:24:40 > 0:24:42when they think that you're supposed to be sorting out
0:24:42 > 0:24:44- the pension deficit? - Will you go away?
0:24:44 > 0:24:47- Why won't you talk to people? - Will you go away?
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- I will go away. You can squirt me with water but...- Go away!
0:24:50 > 0:24:52- Why won't you just answer a couple of questions?- Go away!
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- Have you got a message for... - Which bit are you not understanding?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57- Go away.- Hang on, hang on. There's no need for any violence...
0:24:57 > 0:24:59- Just go away. - We are asking you questions.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01- That's going to go in the- BLEEP- drink.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03SOUND CUTS OUT ABRUPTLY PEOPLE GASP
0:25:03 > 0:25:04Oof!
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Oh, leave him alone, you monsters(!)
0:25:06 > 0:25:07LAUGHTER
0:25:07 > 0:25:11This is the vote to take away Sir Philip Green's knighthood.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Philip Green's legal team includes...
0:25:14 > 0:25:16LAUGHTER
0:25:16 > 0:25:19..presumably from Sir Philip's favourite law firm,
0:25:19 > 0:25:20Pannick, Squirm and Grovel.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22LAUGHTER
0:25:22 > 0:25:23Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30BUZZER
0:25:30 > 0:25:33A goose has been travelling on the train without a season ticket.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35It's been travelling from Brighton to Guildford
0:25:35 > 0:25:38for the last five years, and...
0:25:38 > 0:25:40It's not its card. It's using someone else's.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Well, that's nearly right, but it's a duck on an aeroplane.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45- Oh, it's a duck on an aeroplane! - LAUGHTER
0:25:45 > 0:25:47This is the news that a duck has been providing comfort
0:25:47 > 0:25:50to nervous flyers on a flight across America.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51The duck has an official title.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Does anyone know what it is?
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Steward Ducky McDuck.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56LAUGHTER
0:25:56 > 0:26:00He quacks to soothe his nervous owner, and is called an...
0:26:02 > 0:26:04LAUGHTER
0:26:04 > 0:26:05Someone has made this up.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07A greater source of pride to Mr and Mrs Duck
0:26:07 > 0:26:09than his poor brother, Toilet.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11LAUGHTER
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Does anyone know what an emotional support duck
0:26:16 > 0:26:17actually wears?
0:26:17 > 0:26:19It's not even a real thing.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20LAUGHTER
0:26:20 > 0:26:22- An emotional support DUCK. - What's he wearing?
0:26:22 > 0:26:25According to the Telegraph, Daniel the duck was wearing...
0:26:26 > 0:26:28- LAUGHTER - Brilliant.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30If I was having an anxiety attack on a plane,
0:26:30 > 0:26:32the sight of a duck in little red boots...
0:26:32 > 0:26:33LAUGHTER
0:26:33 > 0:26:35..would not calm me at all!
0:26:35 > 0:26:36LAUGHTER
0:26:36 > 0:26:39And also, hang on, he had a sign saying...
0:26:40 > 0:26:41- LAUGHTER - Aww!- And...
0:26:46 > 0:26:47LAUGHTER
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Why does Captain America need to wear a diaper?
0:26:49 > 0:26:50LAUGHTER
0:26:50 > 0:26:53I don't know, maybe he's got IBS or something. Who knows, Paul?
0:26:53 > 0:26:56That's not usually considered a superpower, is it?
0:26:56 > 0:26:58LAUGHTER
0:26:58 > 0:26:59Actually, no, I think...
0:26:59 > 0:27:01"Stand back, citizen, my bowel is irritable!"
0:27:01 > 0:27:02LAUGHTER
0:27:03 > 0:27:07How did he pass the time mid-flight, for example?
0:27:07 > 0:27:08How did he pass the time? Sudoku!
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Given that we'd never heard of him before this quiz...
0:27:10 > 0:27:12He looked out of the window.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14LAUGHTER
0:27:14 > 0:27:15APPLAUSE
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Having a gander!
0:27:18 > 0:27:20LAUGHTER, GROANS AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Thank you!
0:27:22 > 0:27:26Daniel also had a snack before boarding.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28I hesitate to ask you what you think he might have eaten,
0:27:28 > 0:27:30- but go on.- Quackers?
0:27:30 > 0:27:32CHEERING AND LAUGHTER
0:27:32 > 0:27:35According to one eyewitness, he had...
0:27:37 > 0:27:38LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:27:38 > 0:27:40I've no idea what chicken fries are,
0:27:40 > 0:27:42but I'm pretty sure ducks shouldn't be eating them.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44LAUGHTER
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Shall we move onto other animal news?
0:27:46 > 0:27:48- Why not?!- Yes.- Let's do that.- Yes.
0:27:48 > 0:27:53We know Kombuka the gorilla escaped from London zoo last Thursday.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56But what was the first thing he did with his freedom?
0:27:56 > 0:27:59- Drank Ribena.- Yeah.- Neat. Drank neat Ribena.- That's right.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01- I thought he appeared on the telly as Nicola Sturgeon.- That's true!
0:28:01 > 0:28:03LAUGHTER
0:28:03 > 0:28:05He drank five litres of undiluted squash.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09What will his teeth be like now? He'll never get in the country.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11LAUGHTER
0:28:11 > 0:28:15- There, there.- Finally, what record has a Peterborough hen set
0:28:15 > 0:28:16- this week?- Most eggs? - Yeah, got to be.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18No, it laid the biggest ever egg.
0:28:18 > 0:28:19- Here it is.- Wow.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22LAUGHTER AND GASPS
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Do we have a picture of the chicken that laid that egg?
0:28:25 > 0:28:27No, it's in intensive care, I imagine.
0:28:27 > 0:28:28LAUGHTER
0:28:30 > 0:28:32Which means, at the end of this round,
0:28:32 > 0:28:35it's Ian and Tim have two, Paul and Chris have four.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38APPLAUSE
0:28:45 > 0:28:48Time now for the odd one out round.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50Ian and Tim, your four are...
0:28:50 > 0:28:54Liam Fox, Ken Clarke, Sam Allardyce
0:28:54 > 0:28:57and the ghost in Anthony Dunleavy's trousers.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00Is this to do with being caught on film?
0:29:00 > 0:29:02It is to do with that.
0:29:02 > 0:29:07So, Liam Fox was caught calling businesspeople fat and lazy.
0:29:07 > 0:29:10Ken Clarke was caught calling Theresa May
0:29:10 > 0:29:13"that bloody difficult woman".
0:29:13 > 0:29:15Sam Allardyce was caught all ends up.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17And the ghost wasn't.
0:29:19 > 0:29:20Yeah... No.
0:29:20 > 0:29:21LAUGHTER
0:29:21 > 0:29:25You're in the right area, but you just got the question wrong.
0:29:25 > 0:29:26Is Liam Fox the odd one out?
0:29:26 > 0:29:28That is the right answer.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30- Yes.- Yes. They've all been filmed without their knowledge,
0:29:30 > 0:29:33apart from Liam Fox, who didn't know his voice was being recorded
0:29:33 > 0:29:36when he called a British businessman fat and lazy.
0:29:36 > 0:29:43Now, Anthony Dunleavy claimed to film a ghost moving his trousers.
0:29:43 > 0:29:44According to the Mirror,
0:29:44 > 0:29:47Anthony had got home and had taken off his trousers,
0:29:47 > 0:29:49thrown them over the edge of the sofa,
0:29:49 > 0:29:53when the trouser leg began to move all of its own accord.
0:29:53 > 0:29:54CHATTING IN BACKGROUND
0:29:59 > 0:30:00Is anyone there?
0:30:01 > 0:30:02LAUGHTER
0:30:03 > 0:30:04Is that it?
0:30:04 > 0:30:06LAUGHTER
0:30:06 > 0:30:08I am convinced, and beyond doubt.
0:30:08 > 0:30:11I wish I hadn't insulted the duck with the red boots so highly.
0:30:11 > 0:30:12LAUGHTER
0:30:12 > 0:30:15That is the worst bit of film we've ever been asked to comment on, ever.
0:30:15 > 0:30:16LAUGHTER
0:30:16 > 0:30:19Was there a window open, or was it a ghost?
0:30:19 > 0:30:22What's making your washing move in the garden?
0:30:22 > 0:30:23LAUGHTER
0:30:25 > 0:30:26Is it Oliver Cromwell?!
0:30:26 > 0:30:28LAUGHTER
0:30:29 > 0:30:32- In other news...- Other news, yeah. There's a... Yeah, go on.
0:30:32 > 0:30:35A thief was caught on camera this week how?
0:30:36 > 0:30:39- Oh, he had the Roman blind down his back?- That's it.
0:30:39 > 0:30:41- The police released... - It was a Venetian blind.- Yes.
0:30:41 > 0:30:42Venetian blind, sorry!
0:30:42 > 0:30:46Here we are. Police released CCTV images of a thief trying to steal
0:30:46 > 0:30:48a seven foot long venetian blind.
0:30:48 > 0:30:50See if you can spot where he hid it.
0:30:51 > 0:30:54- LAUGHTER - That's it!
0:30:55 > 0:30:59Now, Sam Allardyce lost his job as England manager when he was secretly
0:30:59 > 0:31:01filmed by undercover reporters
0:31:01 > 0:31:03pretending to be wealthy businessmen.
0:31:03 > 0:31:06He's probably finished in football now, isn't he, as a manager?
0:31:06 > 0:31:08- No, not at all.- Don't you think?
0:31:08 > 0:31:10LAUGHTER
0:31:10 > 0:31:13He'll be back next week.
0:31:13 > 0:31:17According to the Sun, one person who's lost a lot of work because
0:31:17 > 0:31:18of Allardyce's departure
0:31:18 > 0:31:23is Steve Wallbank, Sam Allardyce's lookalike.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26Surely anyone can do a Sam Allardyce impression
0:31:26 > 0:31:28with their hand over their face, Ian.
0:31:28 > 0:31:29I don't look like Sam Allardyce.
0:31:29 > 0:31:32- You might do with your hand over your face.- He looks like Ed Balls.
0:31:32 > 0:31:34You know him, he's a dancer.
0:31:34 > 0:31:36LAUGHTER
0:31:36 > 0:31:41Chris, you've been caught unaware on camera a few times, haven't you?
0:31:41 > 0:31:44Second half is just about underway. Who started the better, Chris?
0:31:46 > 0:31:48LAUGHTER
0:31:50 > 0:31:52Well, the second half is just underway down at Upton Park.
0:31:52 > 0:31:55West Ham - 1, Southampton - 1.
0:31:55 > 0:31:57Who started the better, Chris?
0:31:57 > 0:32:01LAUGHTER
0:32:01 > 0:32:04Second half is well underway at Upton Park now.
0:32:04 > 0:32:07Southampton back on level terms against West Ham.
0:32:07 > 0:32:10Who started the better, Chris?
0:32:10 > 0:32:13LAUGHTER
0:32:14 > 0:32:16He has not got a Scooby-Doo.
0:32:16 > 0:32:18LAUGHTER
0:32:18 > 0:32:20That's not fair. I couldn't hear him.
0:32:20 > 0:32:22I really should watch Sky.
0:32:22 > 0:32:25You should. Only 40 quid a month.
0:32:28 > 0:32:30We could have the fitters round tomorrow.
0:32:30 > 0:32:35LAUGHTER
0:32:35 > 0:32:38- Would you actually come round and fix it yourself?- I would.
0:32:38 > 0:32:42I'm fitting two tomorrow, so I can fit Ian in as well.
0:32:43 > 0:32:45Oh, I can't wait!
0:32:45 > 0:32:48Does Mr Murdoch come with you?
0:32:48 > 0:32:49I don't know.
0:32:49 > 0:32:52I keep asking the question but they say he's in the States somewhere.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54Perhaps he'd like to come round to my house
0:32:54 > 0:32:57and then I can answer the door with a sword.
0:32:58 > 0:33:01They've all been filmed without their knowledge
0:33:01 > 0:33:04apart from Liam Fox, who didn't know he was being recorded
0:33:04 > 0:33:07when he called British businessmen fat and lazy.
0:33:07 > 0:33:11According to the Mirror, a man has claimed to have footage of a ghost
0:33:11 > 0:33:15when his trousers started to move of their own accord.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18When asked if he considered a medium, he replied,
0:33:18 > 0:33:20"No, I'm definitely an extra large."
0:33:20 > 0:33:22LAUGHTER
0:33:22 > 0:33:26- Ken Clarke...- That's why the story was in...- Yeah, that joke.
0:33:26 > 0:33:29Paul and Chris, here are yours.
0:33:29 > 0:33:32The actor Michael Caine, Keith Vaz,
0:33:32 > 0:33:3512 Pizza Hut workers in Leicester
0:33:35 > 0:33:37and Chris Kamara.
0:33:37 > 0:33:39LAUGHTER
0:33:39 > 0:33:42Well, I think the 12 Pizza Hut workers in Leicester
0:33:42 > 0:33:45is probably the clue because they would be celebrating
0:33:45 > 0:33:48their team winning the Premiership last year.
0:33:48 > 0:33:50Michael Caine, we know, that's not his real name.
0:33:50 > 0:33:54He was Maurice Micklewhite, I think was his real name.
0:33:54 > 0:33:58Keith Vaz was telling people that his name was Jim or John
0:33:58 > 0:34:00and he sold washing machines.
0:34:00 > 0:34:02So that seems to me pretty much, it's about people changing...
0:34:02 > 0:34:05- Have you changed your name, Chris, at any point?- I have indeed.
0:34:05 > 0:34:08- Have you?- Yes, I did, for the 2010 World Cup.
0:34:08 > 0:34:10- What did you change it to? - By deed poll.
0:34:10 > 0:34:12- To Chris Cabanya.- Why? Why?
0:34:12 > 0:34:13What's Cabanya?
0:34:13 > 0:34:17It's a Zulu warrior name in South Africa.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19- Did you change your name by deed poll?- I did.
0:34:19 > 0:34:20I think then all the other...
0:34:20 > 0:34:22Michael Caine, the Leicester bakers,
0:34:22 > 0:34:24the pizza makers and Chris changed their name by deed poll
0:34:24 > 0:34:27and Keith Vaz clearly hasn't changed his name by deed poll,
0:34:27 > 0:34:28but just tells people his name is John.
0:34:28 > 0:34:30Correct.
0:34:30 > 0:34:34APPLAUSE
0:34:34 > 0:34:37I did exactly the same thing as you for a period.
0:34:37 > 0:34:40I changed my name in honour of a Zulu warrior.
0:34:40 > 0:34:42I was Shaka Hislop.
0:34:42 > 0:34:45LAUGHTER
0:34:45 > 0:34:48Chris, of course, you told us you changed your name to Cab...
0:34:48 > 0:34:50- What, Cabanya, was it?- Yes.
0:34:50 > 0:34:52Because we have got Cabanga here.
0:34:52 > 0:34:53Oh, that was it.
0:34:53 > 0:34:58LAUGHTER
0:34:58 > 0:35:00Hey, the things you do for money.
0:35:01 > 0:35:03Have you changed your name back, though?
0:35:03 > 0:35:04Did you have to change it again?
0:35:04 > 0:35:06I did it as soon as England got knocked out, that was it.
0:35:06 > 0:35:09So you were only there for a couple of hours, then.
0:35:10 > 0:35:13Do you know what Cabanga translated as?
0:35:13 > 0:35:15Zulu warrior?
0:35:15 > 0:35:17SCATTERED LAUGHTER
0:35:17 > 0:35:20- Twat.- Twat!
0:35:20 > 0:35:22Hard cash!
0:35:22 > 0:35:25No, it was "imagine", apparently.
0:35:25 > 0:35:26- Imagine?- Imagine.- Oh.
0:35:26 > 0:35:30And can anyone guess what event led to 12 Pizza Hut workers
0:35:30 > 0:35:31to change their name? I think you...
0:35:31 > 0:35:33Leicester winning the Premiership.
0:35:33 > 0:35:34Absolutely.
0:35:34 > 0:35:3712 members of staff at the chain changed their names by deed poll,
0:35:37 > 0:35:39including manager Charlotte Smith,
0:35:39 > 0:35:42who has taken the name of Leicester manager
0:35:42 > 0:35:43Claudio Ranieri.
0:35:43 > 0:35:45LAUGHTER
0:35:45 > 0:35:49Michael Caine legally changed his name to match his stage name
0:35:49 > 0:35:52after being hassled at airport security.
0:35:52 > 0:35:56Who did he blame for the confusion? Do you know?
0:35:56 > 0:35:58He blamed it on...
0:36:00 > 0:36:03It's the same reason one of his fellow actors no longer
0:36:03 > 0:36:05wants to be known as Alan Akbar.
0:36:09 > 0:36:13Michael Caine, of course, would make a terrible terrorist.
0:36:13 > 0:36:16He'd only blow the bloody doors off!
0:36:18 > 0:36:23Which means, at the end of this round, it's Ian and Tim two,
0:36:23 > 0:36:24Paul and Chris six.
0:36:24 > 0:36:25APPLAUSE
0:36:27 > 0:36:29Getting there.
0:36:29 > 0:36:32Can I just say that this coalition is a disaster?
0:36:34 > 0:36:37- 6-2?!- Terrible, isn't it?
0:36:39 > 0:36:42Well, not for you. It's quite good, but...
0:36:42 > 0:36:44Do you think the scoring is rigged, Ian?
0:36:44 > 0:36:47If I haven't won by the end, this is rigged.
0:36:47 > 0:36:48I think it's rigged.
0:36:48 > 0:36:50I'll see what I can do.
0:36:50 > 0:36:53Right, time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:36:53 > 0:36:56which this week features as its guest publication ScaffMag,
0:36:56 > 0:36:58the scaffolding magazine.
0:36:58 > 0:37:00Great!
0:37:00 > 0:37:03It's a great magazine, they do set the bar very high(!)
0:37:04 > 0:37:06LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:37:06 > 0:37:08And we start with...
0:37:10 > 0:37:11Poles.
0:37:16 > 0:37:17Using an impact wrench.
0:37:18 > 0:37:21This article from ScaffMag details advice
0:37:21 > 0:37:25from the National Access and Scaffolding Confederation
0:37:25 > 0:37:28highlighting a considered list of arguments
0:37:28 > 0:37:31concerning the use of the more efficient impact wrench.
0:37:31 > 0:37:34One of the comments below puts the counter argument.
0:37:34 > 0:37:36LAUGHTER
0:37:40 > 0:37:42Next...
0:37:46 > 0:37:48Giving away free coffee!
0:37:48 > 0:37:50- Oh, yes, indeed.- Yeah.
0:37:50 > 0:37:53Waitrose are stopping giving out free coffee to take away
0:37:53 > 0:37:56unless shoppers have actually bought something.
0:37:56 > 0:37:58These items can't be...
0:38:03 > 0:38:05Hang on, that's three of my five-a-day.
0:38:07 > 0:38:09Next...
0:38:11 > 0:38:15- Sweats.- But it's actually...
0:38:18 > 0:38:21This is a Japanese robot that artificially sweats,
0:38:21 > 0:38:23meaning it can keep on doing press-ups
0:38:23 > 0:38:26at a relentless pace without burning out.
0:38:26 > 0:38:29Despite sweating like a human, the robot can't shower,
0:38:29 > 0:38:33which has led to the other robots calling him C-3-BO.
0:38:35 > 0:38:36According to scientists,
0:38:36 > 0:38:39the robot can run for a whole day on just half a cup of water.
0:38:39 > 0:38:43As a result, he's been offered a job at Sports Direct.
0:38:44 > 0:38:46Next...
0:38:50 > 0:38:53Accidentally signal to an enemy U-boat in the harbour.
0:38:53 > 0:38:56Entire plot of Last Of The Summer Wine.
0:38:58 > 0:39:01Pose no threat to the scaffolding industry.
0:39:09 > 0:39:11- TIM:- Of course!
0:39:11 > 0:39:13And lastly...
0:39:17 > 0:39:19The highly credible Liberal Democrat result in Witney.
0:39:19 > 0:39:21LAUGHTER
0:39:26 > 0:39:30Rappers' obsession with mustard centres on the luxury brand...
0:39:31 > 0:39:33The first time I had a Grey Poupon,
0:39:33 > 0:39:35I assumed it was a niche adult website.
0:39:37 > 0:39:41Of course, we've mainly brought up rapping just to share this.
0:39:42 > 0:39:45MUSIC: World In Motion by New Order plays
0:39:46 > 0:39:47LAUGHTER
0:39:49 > 0:39:52# You've got to hold and give, and do it at the right time
0:39:52 > 0:39:56# You can be slow or fast, but you must get to the line
0:39:56 > 0:40:00# They'll always hit you and hurt you, defend and attack
0:40:00 > 0:40:03# There's only one way to beat 'em - get round the back. #
0:40:03 > 0:40:05APPLAUSE
0:40:05 > 0:40:08And THAT is why we won the referendum.
0:40:08 > 0:40:11Ian's doing his Sam Allardyce impression - look.
0:40:13 > 0:40:15- Sam Allardyce! - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:15 > 0:40:17As I live and breathe!
0:40:17 > 0:40:19No, it's a terrible moment for me
0:40:19 > 0:40:22cos I've just changed my opinion about Brexit.
0:40:24 > 0:40:28So, the final scores are - Ian and Tim have two,
0:40:28 > 0:40:30Paul and Chris have eight.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32- APPLAUSE - Well done.
0:40:34 > 0:40:35Defeat!
0:40:37 > 0:40:40On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:40:40 > 0:40:43Ian Hislop and Tim Farron, Paul Merton and Chris Kamara.
0:40:43 > 0:40:47And I leave you with news that, arriving in Brussels
0:40:47 > 0:40:50for a mini-break, one woman gets a nasty surprise
0:40:50 > 0:40:53as she tries to change her pounds into Euros.
0:40:53 > 0:40:55LAUGHTER
0:40:56 > 0:40:58APPLAUSE
0:41:01 > 0:41:04At London Zoo, after the recent unsuccessful escape attempt
0:41:04 > 0:41:07by a gorilla, bets are being laid as to who will try next.
0:41:11 > 0:41:13And as the Foreign Secretary arrives at Buckingham Palace
0:41:13 > 0:41:16to brief the Queen on international matters,
0:41:16 > 0:41:18he finds there's strangely no answer,
0:41:18 > 0:41:20no matter how many times he rings the doorbell.
0:41:23 > 0:41:25Goodnight.