0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You,
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I'm David Mitchell. In the news this week -
0:00:43 > 0:00:45in the middle of the Twitter storm over Calais,
0:00:45 > 0:00:50BBC Breakfast's Naga Munchetty shows her support for Gary Lineker.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54LAUGHTER
0:00:54 > 0:00:58After a crate of Prozac washes up on a beach,
0:00:58 > 0:01:00conservationists are concerned over its possible effect
0:01:00 > 0:01:02on local wildlife.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08And in Moscow,
0:01:08 > 0:01:13a KGB target survives an unusually subtle assassination attempt.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23On Ian's team tonight is a TV presenter and stand-up
0:01:23 > 0:01:25from New Zealand who described the audience
0:01:25 > 0:01:28of her first-ever Edinburgh Festival show
0:01:28 > 0:01:31as "full of drunk, angry Scottish men".
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Well, if you insist on doing a morning show...
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Please welcome Rose Matafeo.
0:01:36 > 0:01:40APPLAUSE
0:01:42 > 0:01:46And with Paul tonight is a Labour MP who recently resigned
0:01:46 > 0:01:48from the Shadow Cabinet and says that
0:01:48 > 0:01:51"In election terms, Labour is not match-ready."
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Unlike the bonfire in his garden
0:01:54 > 0:01:56with an effigy of Jeremy Corbyn on top.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Please welcome Chris Bryant MP.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00APPLAUSE
0:02:06 > 0:02:08And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Paul and Chris, take a look at this.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12Well, that looks like Heathrow.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15This is a bulldozer that Boris Johnson is obviously going to
0:02:15 > 0:02:18- lie in front of, as he promised. - Oh, no, he's driving it.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21He's looking for Michael Gove now, I think.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24That is Zac Goldsmith with a crab.
0:02:24 > 0:02:29And...those are some weird people outside the Palace of Varieties.
0:02:29 > 0:02:34- So, yes...- Good news. Good news for people who live near Gatwick.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37I looked at all the arguments and they are quite complex for
0:02:37 > 0:02:40should it be Heathrow or somewhere else? And Boris has promised
0:02:40 > 0:02:43to lie in front of a bulldozer if it's Heathrow.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45So it's gotta be Heathrow, really.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:50 > 0:02:53So this is the final, final decision, is it?
0:02:53 > 0:02:55There's going to be legal objections, though.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57People are going to fight this.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59It's not a forgone conclusion at the moment.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Yes, there's going to be legal objections and also,
0:03:01 > 0:03:03MPs get to vote on it next year.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Oh, really, we get to vote on something(?)
0:03:06 > 0:03:09It'll probably just be, MPs get to chat about it,
0:03:09 > 0:03:12like Philip Green's knighthood.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Are you trying to suggest that politicians
0:03:15 > 0:03:17have no real value in society?
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Bit early for that. We'll do that later.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24There are other objections - environmental objections,
0:03:24 > 0:03:26and it might not happen.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28It's got to meet all these requirements.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30But aren't they European requirements?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- So that's not really going to be... - No, that's not a problem.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36The aeroplanes have to go from here to somewhere.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- So it might still be a European thing.- Oh, yes, absolutely.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43It might just be internal flights after Brexit.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45I don't think anyone's going anywhere
0:03:45 > 0:03:48and they're certainly not coming here!
0:03:48 > 0:03:49Depends how big it is.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53Maybe you get a flight from Terminal 6 to Terminal 1.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56If the runway's long enough, they don't even have to take off.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- Well, it's going to be a ramp, isn't it?- A ramp?!
0:03:58 > 0:04:00It's an amazing design, isn't it?
0:04:00 > 0:04:03The idea we're going to have a runway and suddenly it's announced
0:04:03 > 0:04:05they're not going to put the M25 in a tunnel,
0:04:05 > 0:04:10- they're going to put the runway on a bridge over the M25.- Yeah.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14Why wasn't it more part of the discussion that there wasn't room
0:04:14 > 0:04:17for the runway inside the M25?
0:04:17 > 0:04:20You'd think that would be a real clincher for Gatwick.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Can I be narrowly parochial for a moment?
0:04:22 > 0:04:24- Oh, God, is this the Rhondda? - Yes, it is.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26I'm sorry! Just for the rest of the country,
0:04:26 > 0:04:29I think you'll find that Gatwick's really on the wrong side of London.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33It's the right side of London for most of the rest of the world.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:41 > 0:04:43How much do you think we'll make from it, financially?
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- Bazillions.- Sorry, how many? - Bazillions.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48I thought you said Brazilians!
0:04:48 > 0:04:52It was just a random thought, you were sitting there...
0:04:52 > 0:04:56We'll be rich enough for every citizen to get a free waxing.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Whether they want it or not.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00It's the future for our economy.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04We'll be the waxing hub of the world.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06We could become the rip-off merchants of the world.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:05:08 > 0:05:10You'll all be using it tomorrow.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12You're getting it now.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Some of you saw it on Teletext at the bottom, didn't you?
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Who's the guy with the crab?
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- Zac Goldsmith. - I don't know why I did that.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23- Zac Goldsmith?- Yeah.- OK. And he has...resigned? No? Yeah?
0:05:23 > 0:05:24He has resigned.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Cos his constituency elected him on the grounds
0:05:28 > 0:05:30there wouldn't be a third runway at Heathrow.
0:05:30 > 0:05:31- Right.- So he's resigned.- OK.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34- He tried to be Mayor of London. - Yes, OK.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36So now he has a lot more time to catch up on all
0:05:36 > 0:05:39the Bollywood films he hasn't seen, right?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41- Ah, you got that? - I did get that, that is the worst.
0:05:41 > 0:05:46I've seen 100% more Bollywood films than him. Which is one.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49He's running as an independent, right?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51But because politics in this country is so mad,
0:05:51 > 0:05:54the Conservative Party's not going to stand against him.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56The slightly weird thing is that Ukip aren't standing against him
0:05:56 > 0:05:59either, because Nigel Farage is now backing him.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02I don't know how Nigel Farage has got time out from supporting
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Donald Trump in the United States of America...
0:06:04 > 0:06:08He can really pick 'em, can't he? Trump. Zac. God!
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Do you reckon Zac's just like, "Nige, no!"
0:06:11 > 0:06:16Yes, Boris has been vocal against it. Has he resigned, too?
0:06:16 > 0:06:17No.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18Has he not?!
0:06:18 > 0:06:21He's written a couple of pieces, one pro...
0:06:21 > 0:06:23LAUGHTER
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Didn't David Cameron say that it was in their manifesto?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28It was kind of, "No ifs, no buts, there will not be a third runway,"
0:06:28 > 0:06:30- as well?- Yes, he did, yeah.- Yeah.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Unfortunately, the time for blaming him for everything
0:06:32 > 0:06:34has come to an end.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- Not really. - I think we should extend it.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41Listen, I'm still blaming Mrs Thatcher for an awful lot.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44It's just kind of quicker, you just get right in there.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48People can agree on blaming someone who's no longer at all relevant.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Or alive.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Has David Cameron died?!
0:06:53 > 0:06:56No, I didn't hear the good news!
0:06:56 > 0:06:57Oh.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01No, I don't hope David Cameron's dead.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04I just wouldn't mind if he did.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08"We interrupt this programme..."
0:07:08 > 0:07:12"There's been a chillaxing accident in Cornwall."
0:07:12 > 0:07:17He relaxed so much his whole bowel fell out.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21What have the Dutch been sending to Heathrow
0:07:21 > 0:07:23every year for the last five years?
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Dutch people.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Liquorice.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28No. It's a foodstuff, though.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30- Oh? - Guinea pig.
0:07:30 > 0:07:35I suppose, in a way, it's a foodstuff once slaughtered.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36Cheese. It must be cheese.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Cheese is a foodstuff even when not slaughtered.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41No, it's cake.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43- Cake.- Cake.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Schiphol Airport have been sending Heathrow a cake every year,
0:07:46 > 0:07:48thanking them for the delay in expanding,
0:07:48 > 0:07:50as every delay helps promote Schiphol
0:07:50 > 0:07:52as an alternative European hub.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54According to the Telegraph,
0:07:54 > 0:07:56the latest cake from Schiphol was a fine one...
0:07:59 > 0:08:00Oh, that's disgusting.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06They are endangered birds, OK?
0:08:06 > 0:08:08I thought it was actual people on the cake!
0:08:10 > 0:08:13This is the news that the Government has given the go-ahead
0:08:13 > 0:08:16for a third runway at Heathrow, ending half a century of delay.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Boris Johnson is on record as saying that if a third runway at Heathrow
0:08:19 > 0:08:22went ahead, he would lie down in front of the bulldozers.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24I think the only word of that that any of us believe
0:08:24 > 0:08:27is "lie".
0:08:27 > 0:08:30The row over Heathrow may yet prove to be the Government's undoing.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33So it's come to this - a two-mile strip of concrete
0:08:33 > 0:08:37is now providing more opposition than Jeremy Corbyn.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39According to the Mail,
0:08:39 > 0:08:42one consequence of the third runway at Heathrow is that...
0:08:46 > 0:08:49I don't mean to be overly pessimistic,
0:08:49 > 0:08:51but if it's not opening till 2025,
0:08:51 > 0:08:53it may not be her problem.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58That's an appallingly unpatriotic thought.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01I didn't think the day would come when someone on the BBC
0:09:01 > 0:09:04would assert that the Queen is not immortal.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Ian and Rose, take a look at this.
0:09:08 > 0:09:09It's our Prime Minister.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11That's the French for "get lost"!
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Trying to do a dad joke in Parliament, there we go. No.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16That's Juncker. Oh, in, out.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Oh. Pick-up artist, there we go.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Nicola does not understand roulette.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25This is about our attempts to forge a new deal in the bright dawn,
0:09:25 > 0:09:30that is overtaking the country, even as we speak.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32You see? I'm not a boring Remoaner.
0:09:32 > 0:09:37I'm being positive. There are things that are cheery.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41LAUGHTER
0:09:41 > 0:09:44It was slightly sad that our Prime Minister
0:09:44 > 0:09:47went over to the EU meeting and was only allowed in
0:09:47 > 0:09:50at one o'clock in the morning to make a five-minute speech at dinner.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53And apparently she was met in dead silence,
0:09:53 > 0:09:55and then she left again.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Do you know what Jean-Claude Juncker had to say after that?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Someone from the BBC said, you know,
0:09:59 > 0:10:01"What do you think about Theresa May?"
0:10:01 > 0:10:02And he went, "Pfff."
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- We have that clip...- Oh, good. - ..in fact, it's worth seeing.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Mr Juncker, Ros Atkins, BBC News. Good to see you again.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- How did the evening go with Theresa May?- Pfff.
0:10:15 > 0:10:16It's quite a catchphrase, actually.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18You nailed that, as well!
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Yeah, no, I've been watching him for years. "Pfff!"
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Do you think he thinks he's got one of those, you know,
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Christmassy things that you blow and go, "Parp!"
0:10:25 > 0:10:28in his mouth, and just forgot to put it in?
0:10:28 > 0:10:31He's been trying to come out all jolly, "Parp!"
0:10:31 > 0:10:34and went, "Pff!"
0:10:34 > 0:10:35Oh, forgot again!
0:10:35 > 0:10:38But I'm amazed she managed to fill the five minutes.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Because she says she doesn't want to keep up a running commentary
0:10:41 > 0:10:43on what the policy is, or plan, or strategy...
0:10:43 > 0:10:45There could be a reason for that.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47- Cos there ain't one. - ROSE:- Yeah.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49She keeps on saying she doesn't want to show her hand.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51But, like, in poker, you can't, like,
0:10:51 > 0:10:54just pretend there are cards in your hand.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56I mean, you can't just be like,
0:10:56 > 0:10:58"I've got a good one here. Watch out!"
0:10:58 > 0:11:00- CHRIS:- And she keeps on saying,
0:11:00 > 0:11:02"We're going for the best possible deal."
0:11:02 > 0:11:05And basically, she's not going to say what she wants because she knows
0:11:05 > 0:11:07that whatever deal she's got at the end will have been
0:11:07 > 0:11:10the best possible deal that she could have possibly got.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12- So she's saying, "Just see what happens..."- Yeah.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15"..because that's what I'm going to do."
0:11:15 > 0:11:16LAUGHTER
0:11:16 > 0:11:18"By the way, if you're a room full of bankers,
0:11:18 > 0:11:21"I'm quite happy to come along and tell you exactly what I'm about."
0:11:21 > 0:11:25Well, yes. This week, she suffered an embarrassing bit of leakage,
0:11:25 > 0:11:26didn't she?
0:11:28 > 0:11:31A recording of a secret speech that Theresa gave
0:11:31 > 0:11:33to Goldman Sachs bankers a month before the referendum
0:11:33 > 0:11:35was leaked to the Guardian.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38In it, she warned that companies would leave the UK if the
0:11:38 > 0:11:39country voted for Brexit,
0:11:39 > 0:11:42and that the country would be less safe outside the EU.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44But why is it... She was against Brexit,
0:11:44 > 0:11:48so why is it a big deal that it turns out she meant that?
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Cos she was a bit half-hearted,
0:11:50 > 0:11:52and there were other people in other parties,
0:11:52 > 0:11:54- weren't there, Chris, who were... - A BIT half-hearted?
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- She wasn't a BIT half-hearted, she...- No, I was thinking of Jeremy.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00I'm still talking about Theresa May, I think you'll find.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Let's stick with Theresa May.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05- Was she more or less half-hearted than Jeremy Corbyn?- Yes.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08These politicians!
0:12:08 > 0:12:10- OK. Was...? - I gave you a direct answer!
0:12:10 > 0:12:12It was a yes-no question, I gave a...
0:12:12 > 0:12:15- Yeah. OK. I'm wise to this. - All right.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19- Was she more half-hearted than Jeremy Corbyn?- Yes.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Oh, so you like Jeremy Corbyn?
0:12:21 > 0:12:24He's leading Labour into the wilderness, you fool!
0:12:27 > 0:12:29He came up with a joke, though, at Question Time.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Oh, yeah. It was kind of awkward, though, that joke, wasn't it?
0:12:32 > 0:12:33Was very, just, like, dad joke-y.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36- What was it? - He said that, like Baldrick,
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Mrs May has got a cunning plan but it isn't a plan.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41- ROSE:- And then she came back to him and was like,
0:12:41 > 0:12:43"Well, the guy who played him was Labour!"
0:12:43 > 0:12:45That's exactly what she said, right?
0:12:45 > 0:12:47The thing about her is, she's very...
0:12:47 > 0:12:48She doesn't believe in Brexit.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51People thought maybe secretly she believed in Brexit,
0:12:51 > 0:12:54and so it's OK for her to lead a government that's doing Brexit.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55Maybe she's changed her mind.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Or maybe she doesn't care what the Government does.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00She just wants to be Prime Minister of it.
0:13:00 > 0:13:01- Ah.- So she'll do, you know...
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Well, at least she's not like Jeremy in that sense,
0:13:03 > 0:13:06cos he certainly doesn't want to be Prime Minister.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Or maybe not.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10You know, they're the perfect opponents, aren't they?
0:13:10 > 0:13:12The person that will be Prime Minister of ANY government...
0:13:12 > 0:13:15- And the one who'll be Prime Minister of none.- Yeah!
0:13:15 > 0:13:16If Labour wins, she could say,
0:13:16 > 0:13:18"Jeremy, don't worry, I'll be Prime...
0:13:18 > 0:13:20- "I'll just do the Labour stuff!" - Yeah!
0:13:20 > 0:13:24"I didn't believe in Brexit, I did the Brexit stuff. I can do it all.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27"I'm a session musician politician."
0:13:27 > 0:13:29So far, we've had hard Brexit,
0:13:29 > 0:13:32soft Brexit, smooth Brexit, proper Brexit.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35My personal favourite, dirty Brexit.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38How does Nicola Sturgeon like her Brexit?
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Continental.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44No, she wants a flexi-Brexit that would keep Scotland
0:13:44 > 0:13:47in the single market, even if the rest of the UK left.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49The Sun and the Mail spotted a sure sign
0:13:49 > 0:13:52that Sturgeon meant business at the meeting. What was that?
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Shoes. It was about shoes. It's got to be shoes, hasn't it?
0:13:55 > 0:13:56It was about shoes.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58According to the Sun, Sturgeon tried...
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Here they are.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Whereas the Mail reported...
0:14:09 > 0:14:11So, snakeskin or crocodile?
0:14:11 > 0:14:13This can only mean, that for once,
0:14:13 > 0:14:16either the Sun or the Mail has got its facts wrong.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20And there are also signs she was trying to do
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Theresa May's famous power stance.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- Oh, no.- She didn't quite get it right.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Come on, Theresa, show her how it's done.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33LAUGHTER
0:14:33 > 0:14:34Very nice.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35What has Theresa promised
0:14:35 > 0:14:39the devolved governments' leaders to help keep them sweet?
0:14:39 > 0:14:41A say.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42Oh, God, no! No, no, no.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45You're going to have to think of the most worthless gesture imaginable.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47George Osborne?
0:14:48 > 0:14:50She's...
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Why might they have to watch
0:14:57 > 0:14:59what they say when speaking to him on the Brexit Hotline?
0:15:01 > 0:15:02Is it bugged?
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Yes, apparently Davis has been warned that all of the other
0:15:05 > 0:15:0827 EU governments are spying on him and intercepting his calls
0:15:08 > 0:15:11in an attempt to discover his strategy for Brexit.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15It's really amazing they think he's got one.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16LAUGHTER
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Not much cooperation if all 27 countries are spying on him.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20Can't they just get together
0:15:20 > 0:15:23in some sort of union and decide, "You do it"?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26How has Michael Gove been trying
0:15:26 > 0:15:28to worm his way into her affections this week?
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Well, he gave an interview on The World Today,
0:15:31 > 0:15:34- in which she said she was marvellous.- Yes.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36He said he was in...
0:15:38 > 0:15:40..with much of what the Prime Minister has said so far,
0:15:40 > 0:15:42and added that she's carrying out her role...
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Well, talk about damning with faint praise!
0:15:49 > 0:15:52How did Gove respond to questions about his betrayal
0:15:52 > 0:15:53of David Cameron over Europe?
0:15:53 > 0:15:56He said he didn't stab him in the back.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58I think he stabbed him in the ankle or something.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00I can't remember, what did he say?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Well, what I've got him as having said is...
0:16:06 > 0:16:10Which is very good of him, as the stabber.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Stab. I forgive you.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14LAUGHTER
0:16:14 > 0:16:18He gave an interview, probably two weeks ago, in which he said,
0:16:18 > 0:16:21"My judgment on all sorts of issues in the entire period
0:16:21 > 0:16:22"was completely faulty."
0:16:22 > 0:16:25And now he's been put onto a committee to look into Brexit.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Why should we listen to anything Gove says?
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Sorry, rhetorical questions are very boring.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35Because there's something magnetic about his loathsomeness.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39LAUGHTER
0:16:39 > 0:16:41And he's the sort of person, you know, in a Bond film,
0:16:41 > 0:16:43he'd be really watchable,
0:16:43 > 0:16:45and then there'd be a great bit where he is dissolved in acid.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51Who other than Gove has been singing Theresa's praises this week?
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Oh, gosh...
0:16:53 > 0:16:57It was the respected author and journalist Hunter Davies.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59- Did you hear about this?- No.
0:16:59 > 0:17:00This is quite a quote. He said...
0:17:21 > 0:17:23What, these guys?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25LAUGHTER
0:17:25 > 0:17:27LAUGHTER
0:17:27 > 0:17:29LAUGHTER
0:17:29 > 0:17:34I suppose number three looks a bit, you know, interested.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37This is the news that Brexit will make us less attractive
0:17:37 > 0:17:40to foreign investors, less wealthy and less safe.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43That's according to Theresa May, five months ago,
0:17:43 > 0:17:45speaking at Goldman Sachs.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47According to a poll quote in the Sun,
0:17:47 > 0:17:5047% would still back Leave in another referendum...
0:17:53 > 0:17:54Ah, yes, fluctuations.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57One day it's down, the next day it plummets,
0:17:57 > 0:17:59the next day it's merely down again!
0:17:59 > 0:18:02According to the Daily Telegraph,
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Microsoft is set to increase its prices by 22%...
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Makes a nice change for Microsoft to look at something and say,
0:18:11 > 0:18:14"Oh, no, it's crashed!"
0:18:15 > 0:18:17And so on to Round Two.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20And as Halloween season enters its fourth week
0:18:20 > 0:18:22and we cover ourselves in spray-on cobwebs
0:18:22 > 0:18:25out of respect for our American trading partners,
0:18:25 > 0:18:30let's enter into the spirit of it with the Haunted House of News.
0:18:30 > 0:18:31Fingers on buzzers.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33See if you can guess what's scaring you.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35EERIE MUSIC PLAYS
0:18:35 > 0:18:37MAN SCREAMS
0:18:38 > 0:18:39BUZZER
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Oh, no, don't buzz, it means we'll have to talk about it.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48That's just a... It's a wonderful fantasy creation.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51The legs of a woman, and the head of an Oxford English Dictionary.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53What more could anyone want?
0:18:56 > 0:18:58So this is a book that's literally been walking out of the shops,
0:18:58 > 0:19:00is that what we're seeing here?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- Oh, is it Essex women? - That's it, yes.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06The term "Essex girl" is in the dictionary.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09And this is the news that two girls from Essex
0:19:09 > 0:19:11are trying to get that term removed.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Collins defines it as...
0:19:15 > 0:19:18- Doesn't seem too bad. - That's all right.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Why would anyone have a problem with that(?)
0:19:27 > 0:19:31And according to Natasha Sawkins and Juliet Thomas,
0:19:31 > 0:19:32who are behind the campaign...
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Not heard that one before.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41I just love this idea of them complaining.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Does Neanderthal man have a say?
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Does he say, "I think I've been ridiculously stereotyped"?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Yes, but he's not really around any more,
0:19:48 > 0:19:51whereas women from Essex might consider that if they're born
0:19:51 > 0:19:53in the county of Essex, they shouldn't all be stigmatised
0:19:53 > 0:19:55- with the same stereotype. - You're probably right.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58You can't libel the dead, let alone the extinct.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Don't tell me about libel, Mitchell.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04I'm giving you a tip!
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Say what you like about Neanderthals.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Why can't they just take it out?
0:20:08 > 0:20:10- Because who's campaigning to keep that in?- It would be...
0:20:10 > 0:20:12It's not how things work, is it?
0:20:12 > 0:20:14It's in the dictionary because it's a term people use.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16And if people started taking... People might think,
0:20:16 > 0:20:19"Can we take the word 'poo' out of the dictionary?
0:20:19 > 0:20:20"It's not very nice, poo, is it?
0:20:20 > 0:20:22"You know, I don't really want to be reminded of poo."
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Then you just have a dictionary that's got nice words,
0:20:25 > 0:20:27like "peacefully" and "flower".
0:20:27 > 0:20:31Who's come out in support of Juliet and Natasha's campaign?
0:20:31 > 0:20:33The Archbishop of Canterbury.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36No, it was in fact a star of Ian's favourite show,
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Gemma Collins. Here she is.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40It is absolutely outrageous
0:20:40 > 0:20:42in today's society
0:20:42 > 0:20:44that the dictionary, which...
0:20:44 > 0:20:46I'm a massive fan of the dictionary.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49We should be, like, promoting the dictionary anyway
0:20:49 > 0:20:52because, like, it is such an amazing, like,
0:20:52 > 0:20:54historical British thing, isn't it?
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Every story ever written's in the dictionary.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05You've just got to put the words in the right order. All there!
0:21:05 > 0:21:08This is the story about two ladies from Essex
0:21:08 > 0:21:10who want the term "Essex girls"
0:21:10 > 0:21:12scrubbed from the Oxford English Dictionary.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14The main thing about this story is it gives the Sun the chance
0:21:14 > 0:21:17to recycle some old Essex girl jokes, including...
0:21:21 > 0:21:24That's interesting. The label in my pants says
0:21:24 > 0:21:26"D Mitchell, class 5C".
0:21:26 > 0:21:29I've never lost a single pair.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33What horror is this?
0:21:33 > 0:21:36EERIE MUSIC PLAYS
0:21:36 > 0:21:37MAN SCREAMS
0:21:37 > 0:21:39BUZZER
0:21:39 > 0:21:41- CHRIS:- This is the Ed Stone,
0:21:41 > 0:21:44the heaviest suicide note in history.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48Which, bizarrely, considering how much money we spent on it,
0:21:48 > 0:21:50looks as if it's made of foam
0:21:50 > 0:21:53and somebody forgot to put it on the return of election expenses
0:21:53 > 0:21:56and so the Labour Party has been fined.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Yes, you were quite right. The Ed Stone was quite expensive.
0:21:59 > 0:22:00Do you know what it cost, exactly?
0:22:00 > 0:22:01The general election.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08APPLAUSE
0:22:08 > 0:22:09Yes, it was...
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Labour say they did originally get a receipt from the stonemason's,
0:22:14 > 0:22:16but it was too heavy to get in the car.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19The Spectator quoted a source as saying
0:22:19 > 0:22:22that when the image of the stone first appeared on TV...
0:22:31 > 0:22:33I wonder if he had any inkling that
0:22:33 > 0:22:36that wasn't the low point for Labour.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Do you think Ed took too much flak for losing that election, Chris?
0:22:39 > 0:22:40He's a good man.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44- You can tell you were a vicar. - Bless you, my child.- Thank you.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46I'm not so sure you could quite so easily tell you were a vicar
0:22:46 > 0:22:48- when you said about Ed...- Oh, yes?
0:22:55 > 0:22:58He's a very modern vicar.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00That was the night of Brexit.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02I was very, very upset about Brexit.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06Chris, how much do you blame Corbyn for the referendum result?
0:23:06 > 0:23:09You even thought Corbyn voted Leave, didn't you?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11I think a lot of the arguments that Jeremy put
0:23:11 > 0:23:13helped the Leave campaign.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Do you still think...
0:23:18 > 0:23:20- As you said. - Well, everything's to...
0:23:23 > 0:23:25The Labour Party's got to be mended, that's the truth,
0:23:25 > 0:23:28and I don't like Mrs May and the way she's leading the country,
0:23:28 > 0:23:31so I hope that Labour can pull itself together.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35That's definitely not a straight answer.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38That was about as skew-whiff an answer as I could possibly give.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41AUDIENCE MEMBER GUFFAWS
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Oh, Jeremy's in!
0:23:45 > 0:23:49I think people know you think Jeremy Corbyn's an idiot.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53You've said it so many times. Why stop now?
0:23:53 > 0:23:56There's plenty of people who move in and out of the Shadow Cabinet,
0:23:56 > 0:23:58and they've said even worse things than Chris has,
0:23:58 > 0:24:01- so don't try and restrict his future career...- No, no.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05..just by trying to get him to confirm what he's already said
0:24:05 > 0:24:08many times is pretty underhand.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Leave him alone.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13I'm a bit worried that Ian Hislop is supporting me.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16- I'm not!- No...
0:24:16 > 0:24:20Yes, this is the news that Labour has been fined for failing
0:24:20 > 0:24:22to declare a string of election expenses,
0:24:22 > 0:24:25including the cost of Ed Miliband's so-called Ed Stone.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Here is the notorious object of ridicule...
0:24:28 > 0:24:30standing next to his disastrous stone.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Since Ed Miliband's defeat, the Ed Stone has reportedly
0:24:36 > 0:24:38been destroyed and broken into pieces.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41As has the Labour Party.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's your next nightmare.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46EERIE MUSIC PLAYS
0:24:46 > 0:24:48MAN SCREAMS
0:24:48 > 0:24:50BUZZER
0:24:50 > 0:24:53They've discovered a snail who goes the wrong way round.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Cos all snails' whorls go clockwise.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58This one goes anticlockwise.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Why is it wearing a hat?
0:25:01 > 0:25:05He's become a bit of a celebrity and doesn't want to be photographed!
0:25:05 > 0:25:06Yes, he's absolutely right.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09This is the news that a one-in-a-million snail
0:25:09 > 0:25:12has been found with a rare mutation that makes him a leftie,
0:25:12 > 0:25:14as his shell spirals the wrong way.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16What do you think the leftie's been called?
0:25:16 > 0:25:17Jeremy.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20- Correct. ROSE:- Huh!
0:25:22 > 0:25:23And why is it causing trouble?
0:25:23 > 0:25:27Because it's in the dictionary, and a number of snails have objected.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30I don't know how much you know about the mating practices of snails.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33So I'll flatter you and assume it's not very much.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37As I understand it, snails have their genitalia on the right,
0:25:37 > 0:25:40and sort of slide against each other.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42As Jeremy is topsy-turvy,
0:25:42 > 0:25:46he can only indulge in what scientists term the dry hump,
0:25:46 > 0:25:50so needs another one-in-a-million lefty to get intimate.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52The Telegraph had a helpful diagram.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56But why might it not be the end of the world
0:25:56 > 0:26:00if Jeremy doesn't find love, according to Dr Angus Davison?
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Because he's a snail, and we don't care.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05There's lots of other snails around?
0:26:05 > 0:26:06Well, yeah...
0:26:06 > 0:26:08There's not a big snail problem, is there?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10They're not an endangered species.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12The problem is quite easily solved, because, as Jeremy
0:26:12 > 0:26:15is a hermaphrodite, he can reproduce without a mate, but...
0:26:15 > 0:26:19LAUGHTER
0:26:19 > 0:26:22In other news, what's this woman doing?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24She's trying to surprise a Yorkshire terrier
0:26:24 > 0:26:27because the kitchen's been redecorated and he doesn't know.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Mary Burgess is the woman.
0:26:31 > 0:26:32She's a dog hypnotist.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35What will she do for 60 quid?
0:26:35 > 0:26:36LAUGHTER
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Take your poodle back to a previous life?
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Yeah, basically. An hour's hypnosis with naughty dogs.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46She puts them in a trance and persuades them to behave better.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Her techniques include...
0:26:54 > 0:26:57I think that would work on me, to be fair!
0:26:57 > 0:26:59And, finally, what do you think dogs dream about?
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Running through the fields,
0:27:01 > 0:27:04their hair brushing against the tops of dandelions,
0:27:04 > 0:27:06as they sniff the sea air...
0:27:06 > 0:27:09- It's a very small dog.- Well, yeah.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Could be running in a trench.
0:27:11 > 0:27:16They probably dream about you, if you're their owner, that is.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19The reason we know this is thanks to Dr Deirdre Barrett
0:27:19 > 0:27:23from Harvard Medical School. She said they're dreaming about...
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Of course, sometimes they must be dreaming about
0:27:30 > 0:27:32chasing things likes cats and rabbits,
0:27:32 > 0:27:34as we can see from this classic clip.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55I imagine that dog has an active inner life.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Is that your dog dreaming about you?
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Yes, cos I chase my dog(!)
0:28:00 > 0:28:03- Do you?- No. I haven't got a dog.
0:28:03 > 0:28:07Not now you've chased him away.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Ian and Rose, your four are...
0:28:11 > 0:28:15Larry the Downing Street Cat. Napoleon Bonaparte.
0:28:15 > 0:28:16Michael Heseltine.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20And Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23Larry had a fight in Downing Street. With another cat.
0:28:23 > 0:28:27- With...- You're getting warm.- With a cat called Palmerston.- That's right.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30Napoleon and Lord Palmerston? Was there a problem there?
0:28:30 > 0:28:33- No.- No.- You're right with fight.
0:28:33 > 0:28:37- Had a fight.- But you want to move away from Lord Palmerston.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39No, I don't, I love Lord... I'm sorry.
0:28:39 > 0:28:40Did the other guys have a fight?
0:28:40 > 0:28:43There was a story this week... Michael Heseltine...
0:28:43 > 0:28:46And he was declaring he'd shot a load of bats,
0:28:46 > 0:28:48or birds, or badgers, or starlings...
0:28:48 > 0:28:51- Yeah, this is all in the right area.- ..rhinos.- Yeah.
0:28:51 > 0:28:56Combat with birds! The Italian Prime Minister's the odd one out
0:28:56 > 0:28:58because he said to the pigeons of Rome, "You've got an amnesty,
0:28:58 > 0:29:01"nobody'll kill you, we'll look after you."
0:29:01 > 0:29:04- You've got the right answer but for the wrong reason.- Ah.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06- It's they've all fought with animals...- Yes.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09..apart from the Italian Prime Minister, Matteo Renzi
0:29:09 > 0:29:13who had to deny fighting a fish at the G20 summit.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18The Chinese president had taken a group of leaders,
0:29:18 > 0:29:20including Renzi and Theresa May,
0:29:20 > 0:29:23on a night-time cruise on a nearby lake,
0:29:23 > 0:29:24as a cultural outing,
0:29:24 > 0:29:26when it was reported that...
0:29:28 > 0:29:30According to the Sun, Renzi...
0:29:37 > 0:29:40A spokesman for Renzi's office, on the other hand,
0:29:40 > 0:29:43denied that the PM had kicked the fish, explaining...
0:29:47 > 0:29:48He avoided it with his shoe.
0:29:50 > 0:29:52Larry the Downing Street cat,
0:29:52 > 0:29:55he's recently had a fight with Palmerston, the Foreign Office cat.
0:29:55 > 0:29:57- Whoa!- Yeah!
0:29:57 > 0:30:00How has Theresa May settled in with Larry?
0:30:00 > 0:30:02She's wearing him as a coat.
0:30:04 > 0:30:06More like shoes! Kitten heels!
0:30:06 > 0:30:09AUDIENCE GROAN
0:30:09 > 0:30:11- She's not that keen on Larry.- No.
0:30:11 > 0:30:13She said in an interview with The Times...
0:30:15 > 0:30:18And they had to dream about her.
0:30:18 > 0:30:20Yeah.
0:30:20 > 0:30:24Maybe that's her dog trying to run through a wall.
0:30:26 > 0:30:29Napoleon. Do you know Napoleon's animal scuffle story?
0:30:29 > 0:30:32It's after he signed the Treaty of Tilsit in 1807,
0:30:32 > 0:30:35he was encouraged to do some celebratory rabbit shooting
0:30:35 > 0:30:37in a park with friends and colleagues.
0:30:37 > 0:30:42- How many rabbits do you think were laid on for him to shoot?- 75.
0:30:42 > 0:30:43- Higher.- 175.
0:30:43 > 0:30:44- HIGH-PITCHED:- 75.
0:30:47 > 0:30:49APPLAUSE
0:30:53 > 0:30:54It was 1,000.
0:30:54 > 0:30:58The Napoleonic general, Paul Thiebault,
0:30:58 > 0:31:01who was there, said the rabbits...
0:31:01 > 0:31:02And...
0:31:05 > 0:31:06They also...
0:31:08 > 0:31:09..and forced Napoleon...
0:31:12 > 0:31:15More than the Austrian Army could do.
0:31:15 > 0:31:20Michael Heseltine has admitted to killing 400 grey squirrels
0:31:20 > 0:31:23in his garden in just nine months. He said...
0:31:32 > 0:31:35He wants to watch that that doesn't get taken out of context.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40Could end up with a job in the Cabinet.
0:31:40 > 0:31:43Yes, they have all fought with animals
0:31:43 > 0:31:46apart from Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi
0:31:46 > 0:31:49who had to deny fighting a fish at the G20 summit.
0:31:49 > 0:31:52Theresa May was shocked to be confronted by the slippery,
0:31:52 > 0:31:55thick-lipped, clammy, glass-eyed creature.
0:31:55 > 0:31:57She didn't think Michael Gove had been invited.
0:31:57 > 0:32:01The Heseltines occasionally open their gardens to the public,
0:32:01 > 0:32:02where it's been revealed...
0:32:04 > 0:32:07It's not entirely clear why the squirrels were killed,
0:32:07 > 0:32:11but the gift shop has got 200 pairs of novelty slippers.
0:32:11 > 0:32:15According to one report of Napoleon's rabbit scuffle...
0:32:18 > 0:32:22To which the surgeon general at Paris A&E replied,
0:32:22 > 0:32:26"If you say so Monsieur Bonaparte, I'm not here to judge."
0:32:26 > 0:32:27Paul and Chris, here are yours.
0:32:27 > 0:32:32- Robert Mugabe. Ines de Castro, Queen Consort of Portugal.- Yes.
0:32:32 > 0:32:36Brendan Cole and David Gest.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39First of all, the one I would know most about would be Brendan Cole,
0:32:39 > 0:32:41he's in Strictly Come Dancing.
0:32:41 > 0:32:43He wasn't in the last week, because he was ill with something.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46They reported that he was dead, didn't they?
0:32:46 > 0:32:48On Twitter and Facebook and stuff,
0:32:48 > 0:32:49which was obviously wrong, inaccurate.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51Ah. Maybe it's about that, then.
0:32:51 > 0:32:54And who is the woman at the top, she's Portuguese nobility?
0:32:54 > 0:32:55No, that's Mugabe.
0:32:55 > 0:32:57LAUGHTER
0:32:57 > 0:33:00Yes, Ines de Castro, Queen Consort of Portugal.
0:33:00 > 0:33:04Was she reported dead and she wasn't?
0:33:04 > 0:33:06And Mugabe, there have been rumours of his death.
0:33:06 > 0:33:09- You're in the right area.- But David Gest is actually... Or is he?
0:33:09 > 0:33:11David Gest is now dead.
0:33:11 > 0:33:15I'll give you a clue, so is Ines de Castro, Queen Consort of Portugal.
0:33:15 > 0:33:16LAUGHTER
0:33:16 > 0:33:19Queen Ines de Castro is the odd one out,
0:33:19 > 0:33:23because they were all rumoured to be dead apart from her,
0:33:23 > 0:33:27but she attended her own Coronation, even though she really was dead.
0:33:27 > 0:33:29SILENCE
0:33:29 > 0:33:30Whoa...
0:33:30 > 0:33:33This is like it's news just in, and it happened in the 14th century!
0:33:33 > 0:33:36We didn't even know she was ill!
0:33:36 > 0:33:39- Yeah, how did... - It's been a shock to some of us.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41It's a very sad story.
0:33:41 > 0:33:45Ines arrived in Portugal in 1340 to be lady-in-waiting to her cousin,
0:33:45 > 0:33:48who was due to marry the heir to the throne Dom Pedro.
0:33:48 > 0:33:50But when Dom Pedro set eyes on Ines,
0:33:50 > 0:33:53he fell desperately in love with her instead.
0:33:53 > 0:33:55Dom Pedro eventually married Ines,
0:33:55 > 0:33:57against his father King Alfonso's wishes.
0:33:57 > 0:34:00So the King had assassins brutally
0:34:00 > 0:34:03murder Ines in front of their children.
0:34:03 > 0:34:06I think that was the plot in last week's Hollyoaks.
0:34:06 > 0:34:09Pedro eventually became king,
0:34:09 > 0:34:12so what did he do with his dead wife's body?
0:34:12 > 0:34:14He made her attend the coronation.
0:34:14 > 0:34:16Yeah. Dead. He dug her up,
0:34:16 > 0:34:20dressed her in royal robes and propped her up in the throne room.
0:34:20 > 0:34:22The king ordered that nobility of the kingdom to pledge
0:34:22 > 0:34:25their obedience and loyalty to the Queen corpse
0:34:25 > 0:34:27and demanded that they kiss her dead hand.
0:34:27 > 0:34:29AUDIENCE: Oh...
0:34:29 > 0:34:32That's a re-enactment. LAUGHTER
0:34:32 > 0:34:37But the other three were all rumoured dead and weren't dead.
0:34:37 > 0:34:38Rumours started circulating that
0:34:38 > 0:34:41Robert Mugabe had died when a plane he was on was diverted to Dubai
0:34:41 > 0:34:44when he has previously received medical attention. He explained...
0:34:50 > 0:34:54Yes, once the stake has been removed from your heart.
0:34:54 > 0:34:56What has Mugabe recently been criticised for?
0:34:56 > 0:34:58Everything.
0:34:58 > 0:35:02Specific, recent criticism of many is as Zimbabwe suffers
0:35:02 > 0:35:04its worst economic crisis ever
0:35:04 > 0:35:08Mugabe unveiled a 12-foot high statue of himself.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10Let's have a look.
0:35:10 > 0:35:12He doesn't seem chuffed about it.
0:35:12 > 0:35:13Well, look at it.
0:35:13 > 0:35:14LAUGHTER
0:35:14 > 0:35:16According to the Telegraph, he said,
0:35:16 > 0:35:20on seeing the work by local sculptor Dominic Benhura...
0:35:27 > 0:35:29LAUGHTER
0:35:29 > 0:35:31Start the car, Dominic.
0:35:31 > 0:35:33LAUGHTER
0:35:33 > 0:35:35- And David Gest.- Yes.
0:35:35 > 0:35:39American reality TV star Tiffany Pollard got the wrong end of
0:35:39 > 0:35:44the stick when fellow contestant on Big Brother Angie Bowie told her...
0:35:46 > 0:35:47..when she was actually talking
0:35:47 > 0:35:49about her ex husband, the late David Bowie.
0:35:49 > 0:35:52David Gest was just asleep at that point.
0:35:52 > 0:35:58And Brendan Cole, do you know about the rumours of his death?
0:35:58 > 0:36:02- Yes, so he was on Strictly, he's- on - Strictly and he was ill,
0:36:02 > 0:36:05so he wasn't able to partner Anastasia at the weekend.
0:36:05 > 0:36:08Yes, Brendan, he pulled out of Saturday' performance, due to a
0:36:08 > 0:36:12lung infection, which led to the daily Star cautiously concluding...
0:36:16 > 0:36:18How did Brendan react?
0:36:18 > 0:36:20- "Am I?!"- And tweeted...
0:36:24 > 0:36:25LAUGHTER
0:36:25 > 0:36:29Incidentally, the BBC would like to make it absolutely clear -
0:36:29 > 0:36:30Brendan Cole is not dead.
0:36:30 > 0:36:33Only behind the eyes.
0:36:33 > 0:36:37Ed Balls managed to survive another week. But what did he fail to do?
0:36:37 > 0:36:39You must have seen this.
0:36:39 > 0:36:40Dance.
0:36:40 > 0:36:43There was a lift that went horribly wrong.
0:36:43 > 0:36:46It was going wrong in instalments, really.
0:36:46 > 0:36:48- Have we got it? - We have. Let's have a look.
0:36:48 > 0:36:51SONG: (Is This The Way To) Amarillo
0:36:51 > 0:36:54AUDIENCE CHEERS, THEN GASPS
0:37:00 > 0:37:03Yes.
0:37:03 > 0:37:06But he must win! He must win!
0:37:06 > 0:37:09Labour's got to win something this year!
0:37:09 > 0:37:13You could spend 1,000 years trying to choreograph
0:37:13 > 0:37:15something that amusing.
0:37:15 > 0:37:17The moment with the real jeopardy,
0:37:17 > 0:37:19and the moment when he has to grab her boob.
0:37:19 > 0:37:23It's either that or she smashes her skull on the floor.
0:37:23 > 0:37:26Yes, they've all been rumoured to be dead
0:37:26 > 0:37:28apart from Ines de Castro, Queen Consort of Portugal,
0:37:28 > 0:37:31who, in 1357, attended her own coronation,
0:37:31 > 0:37:33even though she really was dead.
0:37:33 > 0:37:36Her body was dug up, sewn back together, covered in powder
0:37:36 > 0:37:40and face paint, clad in finery and presented to the nation
0:37:40 > 0:37:41in a grotesque spectacle.
0:37:41 > 0:37:44Just like Sharon Osbourne on the X Factor.
0:37:44 > 0:37:47Time now for the missing words round, which this week features
0:37:47 > 0:37:49as its guest publication...
0:37:50 > 0:37:53- Yes!- Uh-huh.- ..and publications of the slide-rule circle.
0:37:53 > 0:37:55I get this. I get this one.
0:37:55 > 0:37:59A good magazine but all of its readers are calculating bastards.
0:37:59 > 0:38:01We start with...
0:38:05 > 0:38:08- Mates with Jeremy the snail?- Yeah.- Oh...
0:38:08 > 0:38:13"I love the way your circles go the other way."
0:38:13 > 0:38:14It's in fact...
0:38:19 > 0:38:20Here he is in action.
0:38:22 > 0:38:25LAUGHTER
0:38:28 > 0:38:31I always wondered why people are filming these incidents
0:38:31 > 0:38:34before they happen. Maybe it's part of an experiment or something.
0:38:34 > 0:38:36Is it an experiment to see whether frogs can...
0:38:36 > 0:38:39- Do you think they got him drunk? - Pick the pissed frog?
0:38:39 > 0:38:41See that's what they do in laboratories, isn't it?
0:38:41 > 0:38:44Let's get all the frogs drunk. Next...
0:38:48 > 0:38:51Um... I've no idea what a slide rule is, so...
0:38:51 > 0:38:54It's the thing you used to calculate on before calculators.
0:38:54 > 0:38:57OK, and calculators were before phones?
0:38:57 > 0:38:59Turn to the centrefold.
0:38:59 > 0:39:03- Yeah.- Turn to the centrefold immediately for further guidance.
0:39:03 > 0:39:04It is...
0:39:10 > 0:39:13People who use slide-rules always felt superior to those
0:39:13 > 0:39:15who used calculators.
0:39:15 > 0:39:17Fine, but if you turn a slide-rule upside down,
0:39:17 > 0:39:19you can't get it to make the word "boobies".
0:39:21 > 0:39:22Next...
0:39:25 > 0:39:27- High self esteem. - SNIGGERING
0:39:27 > 0:39:30Is it bringing your top lip over your head
0:39:30 > 0:39:31and using it as a bathing cap?
0:39:31 > 0:39:33It's...
0:39:35 > 0:39:37Here's what it looks like.
0:39:37 > 0:39:39- Oh, that's rather good.- So...
0:39:39 > 0:39:42- Uh, well...- I don't know.- In what sense is that a living plant?
0:39:42 > 0:39:44It's a succulent.
0:39:44 > 0:39:47It looks like a fungal infection that's really gone to work.
0:39:47 > 0:39:50Anyway, now you can say it with flowers.
0:39:53 > 0:39:54And finally...
0:39:57 > 0:39:58Dave.
0:40:00 > 0:40:03I beg your pardon?
0:40:04 > 0:40:08BBC Parliament! See how you like it, yeah?
0:40:09 > 0:40:11LAUGHTER
0:40:11 > 0:40:13Nothing wrong with Dave.
0:40:19 > 0:40:24A new streaming video service, Napflix, aims to lull viewers
0:40:24 > 0:40:27to sleep by streaming the least thrilling footage they can find.
0:40:27 > 0:40:30Programmes will include the 1964 documentary...
0:40:33 > 0:40:37- Now available as a box set. - Oh-ho-ho! Boom, boom!
0:40:37 > 0:40:40The final scores are Ian and Rose have 4 points,
0:40:40 > 0:40:44- but Paul and Chris are the winners with- 9. Wahey!- Oh, well done.
0:40:44 > 0:40:45Thank you, thank you.
0:40:45 > 0:40:47I'm so sorry, Ian.
0:40:49 > 0:40:52And I leave you with news that, in Liverpool,
0:40:52 > 0:40:54on John McDonnell's orders,
0:40:54 > 0:40:57a security dog sinks its teeth into a rival's backside.
0:41:00 > 0:41:04After a fleet of Russian warships is spotted in the English Channel,
0:41:04 > 0:41:08Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson issues an immediate response.
0:41:10 > 0:41:14And as auditions begin for a remake of the film
0:41:14 > 0:41:18Tarka The Otter, one young hopeful waits to see if he's got the part.
0:41:21 > 0:41:23Goodnight.