0:00:02 > 0:00:04Hi, I'm an American, I'm sorry for everything.
0:00:04 > 0:00:08APPLAUSE
0:00:09 > 0:00:16This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41APPLAUSE
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Charlie Brooker.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52In the news this week...
0:00:52 > 0:00:58AAAAAARGHHHHHHHH!
0:00:58 > 0:01:01APPLAUSE
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Also in the news this week, as John Lewis's Christmas advert
0:01:07 > 0:01:11makes a star of Buster the dog, there's humiliation for one rival
0:01:11 > 0:01:14as their failed audition tape is leaked online.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25Michael Gove's neighbours watch on their CCTV as he narrowly avoids
0:01:25 > 0:01:28stepping on the hidden trap door to their shark tank.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Oh, come on, come on, come on, come on!
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Ohhh!
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Ohh!
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Go on! Ohh!
0:01:39 > 0:01:40Ohh!
0:01:42 > 0:01:45And the Republican Party put in place measures to ensure
0:01:45 > 0:01:46a scandal-free presidency
0:01:46 > 0:01:49as Donald Trump spots an attractive woman in the crowd.
0:01:59 > 0:02:03On Ian's team tonight is an actress who, in an interview in 2015,
0:02:03 > 0:02:06said she was considering emigrating to the United States.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10I think she's just changed her mind. Please welcome Maureen Lipman.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12APPLAUSE
0:02:15 > 0:02:18And with Paul tonight is a comedian who, on a programme this week,
0:02:18 > 0:02:20promised that if Trump won the election,
0:02:20 > 0:02:22he would never appear on television again.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25So, please welcome shamefaced liar Rich Hall.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28- APPLAUSE - I'll be down here.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33- It's the safest place to be. - I know.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35- Well, we start... - I'm not coming up.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38We start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Paul and Rich, can you see? Take a look at this.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Yeah, let's have a look, I wonder what it's going to be.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43Yeah, this is news
0:02:43 > 0:02:46that Toblerone has changed the shape of its chocolate bar.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50What's happened is the traditional pyramid shape of the Toblerone,
0:02:50 > 0:02:52in order to save costs,
0:02:52 > 0:02:55they've actually made the Toblerone gaps bigger.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57As you can see, a lot of these people are very angry about it.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59There we are.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Have you noticed anything else that's happened this week, Paul?
0:03:03 > 0:03:04Tuesday evening?
0:03:04 > 0:03:05Oh, bingo night!
0:03:05 > 0:03:07I can fill you in on that.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Rich knows, he's more of an American than I am.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12America's elected its first last president.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16It's too depressing, it is.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18And I understand this is a comedy show,
0:03:18 > 0:03:20although I haven't seen any so far.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Well, I...
0:03:22 > 0:03:24We've just done a whole load of footage of Trump!
0:03:24 > 0:03:26What do you mean, it's not a comedy show?
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Did you see his family? It's fantastic.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31You've got four years of comedy gold coming up.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35Cheer up - it may involve nuclear weapons and other countries,
0:03:35 > 0:03:37but it's going to be funny.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Yeah?
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Did you see how the news was reported in the world's press?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Yeah, there were some brilliant headlines.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Here is one.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49That's the Newcastle Herald.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52There's this one, a German newspaper.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56- MAUREEN:- That's brilliant.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Finally, my favourite, this pithy Mexican entry.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10Do you think this means misogyny and racial hatred are the way forward?
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Not the way that Toblerone have handled it, no. I think...
0:04:16 > 0:04:20Anything he says can be underscored by the sound of a beer can opening.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22"We need to get rid of these Mexicans."
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Ka-chhkk!
0:04:25 > 0:04:28He always wants to build a wall. I was in York last week.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Three Mexican restaurants in the middle of the town.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32I'm just saying.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Yeah, that's it.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36It sounds like they're very progressive, his voters.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38They've actually voted for...
0:04:38 > 0:04:40It's bad news for minorities and women
0:04:40 > 0:04:43and all the other people, the many, many people he's insulted,
0:04:43 > 0:04:45but on the plus side, progressively,
0:04:45 > 0:04:48- they've elected the first openly crazy man...- Yeah.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50..to the most powerful office in the world.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53- Yeah, because... - Which is a step forward.- Yeah.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55They've broken the rubber-padded ceiling.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:02 > 0:05:04It's great to be back on a cliff edge, you know.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- Yeah.- With Hillary, you knew what you were going to get.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08You're going to get a woman who...
0:05:08 > 0:05:13I don't know anything about e-mails, either, but she deletes her history,
0:05:13 > 0:05:16but now we've got a guy who's going to delete all history.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20How did Trump echo Martin Luther King
0:05:20 > 0:05:21in his victory speech?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Well, Martin Luther King had a dream
0:05:23 > 0:05:25and this guy is a nightmare.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31He's a man who's so used to getting his own way
0:05:31 > 0:05:34and now he won't be able to, despite the fact everyone says,
0:05:34 > 0:05:36"You're the most powerful man in the world," he'll blow up...
0:05:36 > 0:05:38He'll say something about Angela Merkel,
0:05:38 > 0:05:40or try and knock off the Queen, he'll do something.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42He won't be able to control himself.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44It's a long way even before the inauguration.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47I thought for a minute you said he was trying to knock UP the Queen.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51You get a man who stands in front of his country and says, "I don't..."
0:05:51 > 0:05:53"I don't pay my taxes..."
0:05:53 > 0:05:56It's uncanny, it's like he's here.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01"I don't pay my tax," and they think that's great, he's smart.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04He says, "I don't pay my taxes because the law doesn't make me."
0:06:04 > 0:06:06And they vote him in.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09It's difficult to know what he could have said that would have
0:06:09 > 0:06:10put people off voting for him.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12He seems to have said everything.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14He could have said, "I am Hillary Clinton."
0:06:14 > 0:06:16That's it.
0:06:16 > 0:06:21You just have to accept there's a lot of dumb people on the planet.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23That's why there's ITV.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- Are there any silver linings we can think of?- Yeah.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30He's going to have a court case as soon as he gets in
0:06:30 > 0:06:33because there are three places taking him to court
0:06:33 > 0:06:35for Trump University,
0:06:35 > 0:06:39which he created to teach people about real estate.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43And he didn't get any proper staff and they just made millions.
0:06:43 > 0:06:48He was charging them, like, 35,000 to just turn up and have someone
0:06:48 > 0:06:50chat to them about the housing market.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Are you suggesting that Donald Trump is a crook?
0:06:53 > 0:06:56No, I'm suggesting that he's a moron, misogynist, sexist,
0:06:56 > 0:06:59vulgarian...orange head.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Which leads us back to Toblerone's new flavour for Christmas.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- I've got a silver lining here. - Have you? Go on, then.
0:07:10 > 0:07:15One silver lining. Katie Hopkins said she'll move to the USA,
0:07:15 > 0:07:17if Trump got elected.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19CHEERING
0:07:22 > 0:07:25I'm just going to book her an Uber to get...
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Can you think of any other silver linings?
0:07:28 > 0:07:31I've never watched an election unfold...
0:07:31 > 0:07:33a US election unfold overnight from London...
0:07:33 > 0:07:37watching the BBC overnight.
0:07:37 > 0:07:38And that's the way...
0:07:38 > 0:07:41If you want to watch America go down the dumper,
0:07:41 > 0:07:43watch it through the befuddled nocturnal fog
0:07:43 > 0:07:45of a man named Andrew Neil...
0:07:48 > 0:07:51The man is just barely on top of everything
0:07:51 > 0:07:53and he just sits there...
0:07:53 > 0:07:54And he had other people beside him...
0:07:54 > 0:07:57He looks like he's squeezed in like this and, when they are not there,
0:07:57 > 0:07:59he still looks like he's squeezed in,
0:07:59 > 0:08:02like his body is trying to eject itself...
0:08:02 > 0:08:06And he comes out and he's trying to explain the electoral college
0:08:06 > 0:08:07and he doesn't quite...
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Nobody quite gets it, cos it's impossible to explain it.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11"Somebody's got to get 270!"
0:08:11 > 0:08:14And now you are watching this scoreboard at a bowling alley
0:08:14 > 0:08:17and then finally give up and they just bring out this guy
0:08:17 > 0:08:20who just...dances on a map.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24He dances on a map and he's trying to show all the states
0:08:24 > 0:08:25with his feet...
0:08:25 > 0:08:28"Oop, there's Wisconsin and there's Ohio and, oh...
0:08:28 > 0:08:31"Here's a red state turning blue... Oh, no."
0:08:31 > 0:08:34I mean, Christ, Trump is becoming President
0:08:34 > 0:08:35and the guy is playing Twister.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40And then finally, you know, there's just the top of
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Andrew Neil's head...
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Spray-on thatch thing...
0:08:46 > 0:08:49He comes back up at 6:30 and says, "Trump's President."
0:08:49 > 0:08:53Great, Trump's President and I'm watching an acorn talk to me.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56The longest TV review I've ever heard!
0:08:56 > 0:08:59There's no point in listening to anybody, I decided this
0:08:59 > 0:09:01after reading newsprint for the last two years -
0:09:01 > 0:09:03everyone was wrong about absolutely everything.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06- No-one saw it coming. - Nearly all political punditry,
0:09:06 > 0:09:09nearly all political analysis turned out to be completely wrong.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12So it means you don't have to read this stuff, you just guess.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Everything they said would happen didn't happen.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Everybody said Trump couldn't possibly win, at every point,
0:09:18 > 0:09:21and it was all rubbish - no-one knew anything.
0:09:21 > 0:09:22Is that one good thing?
0:09:22 > 0:09:24That perhaps there will be no more polls
0:09:24 > 0:09:27- because they're always wrong. - Hm.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30What will they do instead of polls? They could just cut to a jazz band...
0:09:30 > 0:09:33- I think they should do entrails. - Yeah.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38The polls themselves - anybody here ever taken part in a poll?
0:09:38 > 0:09:39SILENCE
0:09:39 > 0:09:40There you go.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43People aren't savvy enough to cut a wide berth when they
0:09:43 > 0:09:46see somebody coming at 'em with a clipboard?
0:09:48 > 0:09:50The Sun did have a point... The Sun did...
0:09:50 > 0:09:53"The Sun did have a point"? Oh, stop it!
0:09:53 > 0:09:55They had a silver lining. They printed a silver lining today,
0:09:55 > 0:09:57they said...
0:09:59 > 0:10:01That's grasping at straws.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03This whole thing could be an undercover operation in order
0:10:03 > 0:10:06for him to become American President, where he can then
0:10:06 > 0:10:07reveal his true self.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09- Yeah, it's Johnny Depp.- Yeah.
0:10:10 > 0:10:15Did anyone notice anything unusual about Trump's victory speech?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Ah, he has a son called Barron Trump.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Well, he wants him to be President one day.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22It's like the Bushes, isn't it? It's a new dynasty coming up.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25- Yeah, here it comes! - Just doesn't work for the Clintons.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29Well, they used to call the Clintons "sex between the Bushes".
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Who is at least partly responsible for Trump's victory?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38The American electorate.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40The people who didn't vote.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42- Ah.- The people who didn't vote.
0:10:42 > 0:10:4546.9% of the electorate did not bother voting.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Low turnout. Yeah.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Looked at it and went, "Oh, I'll sit this one out."
0:10:50 > 0:10:54So, I mean, Trump actually got fewer votes than Romney did in 2012.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58It was more the Democratic vote collapsing.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01But he got more black people than Romney and more Hispanics
0:11:01 > 0:11:03than Romney, despite an entire campaign in which
0:11:03 > 0:11:06he denigrated both those demographics.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08So, it doesn't really make any sense.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Most of the analysis seemed to me just saying,
0:11:10 > 0:11:13- "It doesn't matter what he did." - Yeah.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16And then he comes on with an acceptance speech and says,
0:11:16 > 0:11:19"I'd like to thank Hillary Clinton for her years of public service."
0:11:21 > 0:11:24I mean, it's just as though nothing at all is true any more.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Ah, that's it! You've hit on it.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29We convince him it's all a dream.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33That's simply it.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Easy to doctor the footage on the TV, that's easily done.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Hillary Clinton wins - "Oh, well, I gave it my best shot."
0:11:38 > 0:11:40"Never mind, Mr Trump, let's go to your hotel."
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Keep it going for years. He never looks out of the window.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45As soon as he's started to twig that something's happened,
0:11:45 > 0:11:47send a pretty woman past him, he's gone!
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Say, "Yeah, you'll be fine,
0:11:49 > 0:11:52"they'll get somebody else in to do it."
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Daffy Duck.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Did you see...? How did Vladimir Putin greet the news?
0:11:58 > 0:12:03Well, he said, "For me, Toblerone has always been an iconic bar..."
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Putin, Putin... Well, he greeted the news,
0:12:05 > 0:12:09- probably, by going, "Mwah-ha-ha!" but in Russian.- Yeah.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13- "Ha-ha-ha!"- And he sent Trump a telegram.- Did he?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15- A telegram. - Do they still exist in Russia?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17There are telegrams, yeah.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Well, he knows better than anyone not to trust e-mail.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Who might be selected for Trump's team?
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Ku Klux Klan?
0:12:26 > 0:12:29- Sarah Palin? - Well, Sarah Palin is rumoured to be
0:12:29 > 0:12:31in the running for Secretary of State...
0:12:31 > 0:12:34You see?
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Love Sarah, love her. Who else? Someone closer to home.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Tony Oblerone.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42He's a Mexican, he's being bought in.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Calm the waters.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- There's someone who wants a job. MAUREEN:- Nigel Farage.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Yeah, he's over there, he's gone already.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52So sad to see him go, isn't it(?)
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Yeah, he wants to be Trump's ambassador to the EU.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- Yep. - He's going to be the ambassador.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01- Oh, no, go for it! Go for it! - That's what's going to happen.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03We've established the whole thing is comedy,
0:13:03 > 0:13:04- let's just go for it.- Yeah.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08Can you tell me what was one of the first casualties of the election result?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10- Oh, the...- Yeah, go on...
0:13:10 > 0:13:12The Canadian visitors' website shut down.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Yeah, Canada's Citizenship and Immigration website crashed
0:13:15 > 0:13:19because so many Americans were enquiring about moving there.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23I fancy somewhere further away than Canada, like Mars.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25There's been these adverts on the BBC for somewhere called
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Planet Earth II.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31That's where to go.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Trump's potential to put the cat amongst the pigeons was spotted
0:13:34 > 0:13:37back in the early '90s - who by?
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Oh, was this Michael Moore or The Simpsons?
0:13:39 > 0:13:43No, it's neither of them, it's Saint and Greavsie.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- Saint and Greavsie? - Here is an interesting clip.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49The draw for the fifth round of the Rumbelows League Cup.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Assisting me with the draw are Jimmy Greaves,
0:13:52 > 0:13:54who will draw the home team
0:13:54 > 0:13:57and Donald Trump, who will draw the away team.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59- Number five.- Leeds United.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Against number six.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04Will play Manchester United.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Oh, Donald!
0:14:06 > 0:14:09You don't realise what you've done, there!
0:14:13 > 0:14:16This is the shock news from America that, after all these years
0:14:16 > 0:14:19of trying to impose it on the rest of the world, democracy may,
0:14:19 > 0:14:21in fact, be shit.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24The Obamas are already making plans
0:14:24 > 0:14:26for handing over the White House to Donald Trump -
0:14:26 > 0:14:28they've hidden the nuclear codes and broken the hairdryer.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Yet again, the opinion pollsters utterly failed
0:14:33 > 0:14:35to see the shock result coming - first Brexit, now this.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Frankly, I'm off to put a tenner on Honey G to win the X Factor
0:14:38 > 0:14:42and Ched Evans to be voted Sports Personality of the Year.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Ian and Maureen, take a look at this...
0:14:48 > 0:14:49Taj Mahal.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50That's not a judge!
0:14:50 > 0:14:53That's the front cover of what I can only describe
0:14:53 > 0:14:54as the Mail.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56That's Nigel Farage having his...
0:14:56 > 0:14:57Cake and eating it.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00- The thing about Brexit was it was referred to the courts.- Yeah.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03The judgment, they said it's got to be referred to Parliament.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05It's got to have an Act of Parliament.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07And then a lot of the press went sort of slightly bonkers.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10And the Mail ran this enormous headline,
0:15:10 > 0:15:12"Enemies of the People", about the judges.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14which isn't - it's not got good precedence,
0:15:14 > 0:15:18cos it was originally Robespierre, just before the Terror.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20The it was borrowed by Lenin.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Then, let's be honest, it was Hitler...
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Erm...
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Then it was Pol Pot.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30And then it was the Daily Mail, so it's got a sort of...
0:15:30 > 0:15:33APPLAUSE
0:15:36 > 0:15:39The Express got quite emotional about it, they said...
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Well, a lot of Tories said, "Can you stop being hysterical?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57"Can we calm down?"
0:15:57 > 0:15:58And The Spectator, which isn't exactly
0:15:58 > 0:16:00known as a hotbed of radical lefties,
0:16:00 > 0:16:04said this is a perfectly reasonable judgment.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06And one Tory MP actually resigned.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08He said, "Obviously, it's got to go back to Parliament."
0:16:08 > 0:16:10The Ukippers weren't great either.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Suzanne Evans - she said, "What's very important is to have
0:16:13 > 0:16:16"an independent judiciary which should be subject to control."
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Farage said there would be riots in the streets.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25You've drawn a picture of Nigel Farage, haven't you?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27I have drawn a picture of Nigel...
0:16:27 > 0:16:29- Is this a separate career we didn't know existed?- No.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Shall we have a quick look at it?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- Is this in a book that you've got coming out?- It is, Ian, yes.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41- Thank you.- Good grief, I was paid so much for that.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43I've done you as well.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45LAUGHTER
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Somehow, I've lost interest in this book. Can we, um...?
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Let's have a vote. Who wants to see the drawing of Ian?
0:16:52 > 0:16:54- AUDIENCE:- Yes! - Er, you're in it too.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57- Democracy doesn't work! - Can we bring that up?- Yeah, go on.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Let's see if we can guess which is which.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Well, um...
0:17:02 > 0:17:03that actually says...
0:17:06 > 0:17:07..Ian Hislopeared Bunny,
0:17:07 > 0:17:11and...Pine Merton?
0:17:12 > 0:17:13Anyway, back to reality.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17- Yes.- What did Lord Chancellor Liz Truss do wrong?
0:17:17 > 0:17:19She didn't speak, she didn't say anything.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21She didn't stand up for the judges.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23She did give a very weak and late defence of the judges.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Not nearly as passionate as we know Liz can be
0:17:26 > 0:17:28when she's talking about something she truly loves.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32We import two-thirds of our cheese.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37That is a disgrace.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Naturally, many people were looking to the opposition to condemn
0:17:45 > 0:17:49the press coverage of the judges. What did Jeremy Corbyn do?
0:17:49 > 0:17:51He made jam.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55Actually, he immediately sprang into action. He took to Twitter.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Corbyn was approached by the Daily Mirror
0:18:06 > 0:18:10about the possibility of an early election, how did he respond?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12He said, "Stop harassing me."
0:18:12 > 0:18:14- Oh, that's right, yeah.- Would you like to see?- I'd love to see.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16I've watched it quite a lot.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37It's never good when you're asked, "Do you want to fight an election?"
0:18:37 > 0:18:39and you run away out the door.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Which suggests you're not exactly gung-ho
0:18:42 > 0:18:44for the democratic challenge.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Did you notice what he did at the end there?
0:18:48 > 0:18:52Basically, as a leader, he shouldn't be trying to hide.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56And as a hider, he shouldn't be hiding behind glass.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01What did we learn about how Corbyn
0:19:01 > 0:19:03is perceived across the pond this week?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Somebody said he's mad. Was it Clinton?
0:19:05 > 0:19:09Bill Clinton said, "That one's completely mad."
0:19:09 > 0:19:13WikiLeaks revealed some more Clinton e-mails which revealed
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Bill was slightly baffled by Corbyn being made leader last year,
0:19:16 > 0:19:19saying Labour had made the unlikely decision to choose...
0:19:22 > 0:19:25That's not counting Diane Abbott, of course.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- SHE IMPERSONATES DIANE ABBOTT: - No, no, I mean it. Listen.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32- This is somebody who hasn't even... - SHE INHALES
0:19:32 > 0:19:33..got control of her own breath.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Do you do Theresa May, as well?
0:19:40 > 0:19:42I'm thinking of political balance here.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45I was at a charity for ovarian cancer the other week
0:19:45 > 0:19:50and I was walking towards... I'll have to get up.
0:19:50 > 0:19:51I was walking towards the microphone.
0:19:51 > 0:19:56And I suddenly found myself transmogrifying into Theresa May.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59I just suddenly hollowed out my body and started walking forward.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- And then the voice... - SHE IMPERSONATES THERESA MAY:
0:20:04 > 0:20:07..is slightly between two registers, isn't it?
0:20:07 > 0:20:08Slightly like that.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11And I noticed there were breadsticks on all the tables,
0:20:11 > 0:20:15so I did point out that breadsticks means breadsticks.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22So, no, I can't do it.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27Anyway, this is the ongoing fight between Brexiteers and Wrexiteers,
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Remoaners, Remainers, Bremoaners, Bremainers.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Let's call the whole thing off.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Subject to a judicial review.
0:20:34 > 0:20:35According to the Daily Star,
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Brexit has been good news for some people's salaries.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Thanks to the slump in the pound against the euro...
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Hang on, has this whole thing just been one massive episode of Hustle?
0:20:50 > 0:20:53There are fears Brexit may be held up by the House of Lords.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56This week, Andrew Lloyd Webber expressed his irritation
0:20:56 > 0:20:59at being expected to participate in the House of Lords, saying...
0:21:09 > 0:21:12All right, Andrew, don't make a song and dance about it.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15No, really, please, DON'T make a song and dance about it.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19Anyway, at the end of that round, it's two points each.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23APPLAUSE
0:21:27 > 0:21:29And so to round two, the Strengthometer of News.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Fingers on buzzers. Here is the first one.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37BUZZER SOUNDS
0:21:43 > 0:21:44Donald Trump has been elected
0:21:44 > 0:21:47President of the United States of America.
0:21:49 > 0:21:50It's the news that Toblerone
0:21:50 > 0:21:52have betrayed the will of the British people
0:21:52 > 0:21:55by changing the dimensions of a chocolate bar.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Do you know how the bar has changed?
0:21:57 > 0:22:00The pyramids have got more of a gap between them now.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03This is a photograph of Toblerone before...
0:22:03 > 0:22:05and this is after.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07A monstrosity!
0:22:07 > 0:22:10People have suggested a use for the new-look Toblerone.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11I can think of one.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Do you want to know what it is? Can you think of a use for it?
0:22:16 > 0:22:18You can park five bicycles.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20- That's not a bad suggestion. - You can measure your feet with it.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Foot-measuring device.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Anything, you can measure your feet with.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Put your kid's foot down on one
0:22:26 > 0:22:30and then you cut out the triangles that his foot goes in.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32And where his heel meets that...
0:22:34 > 0:22:38- ..measure his foot.- That will work. - Is this Dragons' Den?
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Cos I'm out.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Former Deputy Prime Minister
0:22:43 > 0:22:46John Prescott got involved in the Toblerone row.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48It's a very important issue.
0:22:48 > 0:22:49He tweeted...
0:22:53 > 0:22:55To which one wag replied...
0:23:02 > 0:23:05People have suggested you can hold your toast in it.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08- Do Toblerones come from Switzerland? - Yeah.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10That's disgusting.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12What, just foreign chocolate, coming over here...?
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Same as cheese.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16What?
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Two-thirds of cheese coming over here is from France.
0:23:19 > 0:23:20It's disgusting.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22- It's quite nice cheese!- Some of it.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Nothing wrong with it!
0:23:24 > 0:23:27- Toblerone's not cheese, is it? - No, it's not cheese!
0:23:27 > 0:23:28- RICH:- How did we get here?
0:23:28 > 0:23:30You could put some cheese in between...
0:23:30 > 0:23:33It's like being in an old people's home here!
0:23:33 > 0:23:36"Is it cheese, Matron?" "No!"
0:23:36 > 0:23:39"Has Mr Trump been elected?" "No!"
0:23:39 > 0:23:42"I think my nurse is stealing from me!"
0:23:42 > 0:23:44"Look at this Toblerone!"
0:23:46 > 0:23:49In other snack-related news, what controversy did
0:23:49 > 0:23:51a fan of cookies get into this week?
0:23:52 > 0:23:57The Cookie Monster, I believe made an appearance on The One Show
0:23:57 > 0:23:59- and wore a poppy. - Take a look.
0:23:59 > 0:24:04The Cookie Monster is with us. Welcome to The One Show.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Hi. Thank you.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10HE IMPERSONATES COOKIE MONSTER: Lest we forget...
0:24:10 > 0:24:13those who fell at nom-nom-nom-Normandy!
0:24:17 > 0:24:18Was it a controversy, then?
0:24:18 > 0:24:21I don't know if you've noticed it, but he's a puppet.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Yeah, but by the standards of The One Show
0:24:24 > 0:24:27that's not necessarily a problem.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31I've hosted it. I know what I'm talking about.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34This is the news that Toblerones have got smaller.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36One outraged chocolate lover tweeted...
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Good luck finding another last-minute present at Heathrow.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44I hope your kids like travel adaptors.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49Meanwhile, on The One Show, Chris Tarrant was joined on the sofa
0:24:49 > 0:24:51by the Cookie Monster, who was controversially wearing a poppy.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54The BBC admitted they may have made a misjudgement in putting
0:24:54 > 0:24:57a poppy on the Cookie Monster and hastily cancelled their plans
0:24:57 > 0:25:00for Big Bird to lay a wreath at the Cenotaph.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Fingers on buzzers again, please. Here comes the next one.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09BUZZER SOUNDS
0:25:09 > 0:25:10That's poor Prince Harry.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13The press have moved in on the new girlfriend
0:25:13 > 0:25:17and it's a shame because it's the beginning of a relationship.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Just leave him alone.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21It wasn't just the press, though, was it?
0:25:21 > 0:25:23He was having a go at everyone on Twitter and Facebook.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26But it's horrible, all this trolleying business.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29- We are living in a... - Trolleying?
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Is that what it's called, now?
0:25:31 > 0:25:34People coming round your house and throwing a supermarket trolley?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36"Don't like your opinions..."
0:25:38 > 0:25:41- Yeah.- But he was very upset about people being rude about her
0:25:41 > 0:25:42below the line, as it were.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46- And the tinge of racism he detected there.- Yes.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Rachel Johnson, writing in the Mail, I believe,
0:25:49 > 0:25:51described Meghan's mum as...
0:25:55 > 0:25:57- MAUREEN:- Thank you, Rachel. - The same paper said...
0:25:59 > 0:26:01AUDIENCE GROANS
0:26:01 > 0:26:02..as they revealed...
0:26:05 > 0:26:08I don't know what gang-scarring is. I think it's like pebbledashing.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13I did read something in the Express that it would really help
0:26:13 > 0:26:15if Harry just came and posed for some photographs
0:26:15 > 0:26:17and then it would all go away.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19What sort of photographs?
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Probably naked.
0:26:21 > 0:26:22He's done that before.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Yeah, and I think she's done a bit of it, too.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29- She... To be fair to her, she's an actress.- Yeah.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31And she was in a show called Suits
0:26:31 > 0:26:33and there was a scene in that was, I think, vaguely steamy...
0:26:33 > 0:26:35- Birthday Suits? - Birthday...
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Just Suits. She was...
0:26:37 > 0:26:40She was clothed, but it ended up on PornHub.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42- Oh. - Are you familiar with PornHub?
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Incredibly familiar.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Was she wearing a poppy?
0:26:49 > 0:26:51By the end of that, she was.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Probably why they're upset, to be fair.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55What is the press's counterargument?
0:26:55 > 0:26:57He's the Prince, he's the second son,
0:26:57 > 0:26:59it's his job to provide entertainment.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03The first son is there to be boring,
0:27:03 > 0:27:05and William is doing that terrifically.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09And he goes to Canada and says "Good evening" to a moose
0:27:09 > 0:27:11and, you know...other animals,
0:27:11 > 0:27:14and that goes very well, and the second son,
0:27:14 > 0:27:15you know - "We want a bit of action!"
0:27:15 > 0:27:18A bit of raunch, a bit of American actress.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20- So that's his job. - To be...?
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Interesting. Naked. Like Princess Margaret - pissed.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29It's... You obviously haven't done any constitutional history.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32This is the job of the second sibling.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36First sibling - wave, dogs, Balmoral.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Second sibling - "Whoaaay!"
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Prince Charles, Prince Andrew.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Prince Charles, Prince Andrew, thank you!
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Paul's agreed with me about something! It's a first!
0:27:46 > 0:27:50But it doesn't work for King George VI.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52We're not going back that far!
0:27:52 > 0:27:55- It's not a great theory... - This is topical!
0:27:55 > 0:27:56This is a topical show.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59- Right.- OK.- Um...- Topical show. - But actually, that's not...
0:27:59 > 0:28:03Really, they are arguing that Meghan likes the attention,
0:28:03 > 0:28:05is their argument.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07They say she's drawing the attention of her 1.2 million or so
0:28:07 > 0:28:10followers on Instagram, that she is courting it
0:28:10 > 0:28:13by posting pictures alluding to the relationship,
0:28:13 > 0:28:14pictures like this one.
0:28:14 > 0:28:18- Banana-on-banana action! - Yeah.- Lovely.
0:28:18 > 0:28:19PornHub!
0:28:22 > 0:28:24That's what we'll get.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26That's a really specialist search.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30This is Prince Harry's formal complaint
0:28:30 > 0:28:32about the treatment of his girlfriend, Meghan Markle.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35According to the Times, Meghan has been subjected to...
0:28:37 > 0:28:40Well, if he will take her round to see his grandad...
0:28:42 > 0:28:46APPLAUSE
0:28:48 > 0:28:50Fingers on buzzers once more, please.
0:28:50 > 0:28:51Er...
0:28:53 > 0:28:55I feel I did that a bit weakly.
0:28:55 > 0:28:56Shall I do it again?
0:28:56 > 0:28:58- Yeah, do it again.- Yeah, more macho!
0:29:01 > 0:29:03BUZZER SOUNDS
0:29:03 > 0:29:06Yes, this is a new form of greeting card where somebody's died
0:29:06 > 0:29:09and you say, "Congratulations, you're dead,
0:29:09 > 0:29:11"you will never live under a Trump presidency.
0:29:11 > 0:29:14"Or indeed, have to submit yourself to the brand-new Toblerone."
0:29:14 > 0:29:16Is it something to do with new greetings cards?
0:29:16 > 0:29:18That's what it must be.
0:29:18 > 0:29:20- Um, no.- No, it's not.
0:29:20 > 0:29:21It's to do... It is to do with death.
0:29:21 > 0:29:25Is it something to do with talking about death more?
0:29:25 > 0:29:27No, although I have been doing that,
0:29:27 > 0:29:30personally, in my head ever since the result came in.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32Um, I don't think you're going to get it.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34It's the news that a woman from Brazil
0:29:34 > 0:29:37has held her own funeral while still alive.
0:29:37 > 0:29:38There you go.
0:29:39 > 0:29:43It's like a photo you get taken on a log flume ride!
0:29:43 > 0:29:45That's quite a bright idea, actually.
0:29:45 > 0:29:46I've often thought, when I've heard eulogies,
0:29:46 > 0:29:49"Why didn't you say that when they were alive?"
0:29:49 > 0:29:52Because they weren't dead. That's what a eulogy is.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55When you're alive, it's called a review.
0:29:55 > 0:29:56It's a review, yeah.
0:29:56 > 0:29:58When you're dead, it's another review, but it's...
0:29:58 > 0:30:00Do you think when you're dead,
0:30:00 > 0:30:02they should give you a star rating out of five?
0:30:02 > 0:30:06Like on Amazon. "Three - meh."
0:30:06 > 0:30:07If you like this person...
0:30:07 > 0:30:11If you like this person dead, you'll also like this person dead.
0:30:14 > 0:30:17Death is clearly more popular than you think, because what ride...
0:30:17 > 0:30:19- Everyone's doing it!- Yeah!
0:30:19 > 0:30:23What right did a Chinese theme park launch last year?
0:30:23 > 0:30:26- The journey from this world to the next.- Yes...
0:30:26 > 0:30:28Yes, on a little rollercoaster,
0:30:28 > 0:30:30where you see ghosts of your previous relatives waving at you
0:30:30 > 0:30:34as you head towards the Waterfall of Doom!
0:30:34 > 0:30:37- Nearly.- Nearly?- Nearly. They launched...
0:30:39 > 0:30:41Um, it involves...
0:30:46 > 0:30:48I think we've got a picture of it.
0:30:48 > 0:30:53- Oh, no!- It's been a big hit with punters. According to the Mail...
0:30:58 > 0:31:02Barking. Do you remember that programme Clive James used to do
0:31:02 > 0:31:05about television, and he used to do the thing from Japan,
0:31:05 > 0:31:10and I'll never forget, he had three men in silver sort of
0:31:10 > 0:31:14paper suits with a cut-out portion for their bums,
0:31:14 > 0:31:18and they each had an enema, on television,
0:31:18 > 0:31:21and the one who could hold it the longest won the prize.
0:31:23 > 0:31:25Now, they don't make 'em like that any more.
0:31:26 > 0:31:28They actually do - have you seen E4?
0:31:31 > 0:31:33It's called Enema of the People.
0:31:33 > 0:31:35Thank you very much.
0:31:35 > 0:31:37APPLAUSE
0:31:38 > 0:31:41Which means at the end of this round, it's three-all.
0:31:41 > 0:31:45APPLAUSE
0:31:48 > 0:31:52OK, time for the Odd One Out round. It's just one between you this week.
0:31:52 > 0:31:54Your four are...
0:31:54 > 0:31:56Russell Crowe's film, Noah,
0:31:56 > 0:31:58custard creams,
0:31:58 > 0:32:00full-bladdered members of the House of Lords
0:32:00 > 0:32:02and Keith Richards.
0:32:02 > 0:32:03BUZZER SOUNDS
0:32:03 > 0:32:05Keith Richards this week spoke about having
0:32:05 > 0:32:07a stick that can control the rain,
0:32:07 > 0:32:10and he says just before they go out to play a gig, the Rolling Stones
0:32:10 > 0:32:12outdoor gigs, he waves the stick up in the air and it stops it raining.
0:32:12 > 0:32:16Russell Crowe's film, Noah, I mean, I would imagine, ironically,
0:32:16 > 0:32:19the thing would be that the film was disrupted because of rain,
0:32:19 > 0:32:20so I'm going to guess that.
0:32:20 > 0:32:22The House of Lords, they've got a terrible leaking roof,
0:32:22 > 0:32:24so they've been affected by rain.
0:32:24 > 0:32:26And I don't know anything about biscuits,
0:32:26 > 0:32:28- so I'm going to claim they are the odd one out.- No.
0:32:28 > 0:32:32Too much water, except in the case of custard creams,
0:32:32 > 0:32:34where there's not enough water.
0:32:34 > 0:32:36Ah, Keith Richards is the odd one out, because none of
0:32:36 > 0:32:39the others can control the rain, but he claims he can.
0:32:39 > 0:32:42Absolutely right. APPLAUSE
0:32:47 > 0:32:50They've all been stopped by rain, except for Keith Richards,
0:32:50 > 0:32:52who believes he has the power
0:32:52 > 0:32:55to stop it raining, using his magic stick.
0:32:55 > 0:32:56That's absolutely right.
0:32:56 > 0:32:58He explained in a Rolling Stones documentary that he...
0:33:04 > 0:33:07What do you think happened later in the documentary?
0:33:07 > 0:33:10- Well, it obviously rained during the concert.- Yeah, it did.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12He explained that...
0:33:14 > 0:33:17- It's a joke!- The Rolling Stones always know when it's about to rain,
0:33:17 > 0:33:20as their rheumatism starts to play up something awful.
0:33:20 > 0:33:24Hundreds of Lords have been banned from using the toilet
0:33:24 > 0:33:25during heavy rainfall.
0:33:25 > 0:33:30The basement was flooded with sewage on June 23, which was of course...
0:33:32 > 0:33:35We've all been knee-deep in it ever since.
0:33:35 > 0:33:37- Sticking with toilets...- Yes.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40Why have people been talking about Michael Gove's toilet this week?
0:33:40 > 0:33:42Has he got stuck down it?
0:33:42 > 0:33:44Sadly, no.
0:33:44 > 0:33:46In a passage from political insider Craig Oliver's book,
0:33:46 > 0:33:49when discussing Gove's leadership bid,
0:33:49 > 0:33:52friends of Gove claimed he wasn't worldly enough, saying...
0:33:57 > 0:34:00You know this story isn't true, by that phrase -
0:34:00 > 0:34:02"friends of Gove".
0:34:03 > 0:34:05It sounds a bit dangerous,
0:34:05 > 0:34:07but if there's one thing more appealing than the thought of
0:34:07 > 0:34:10Michael Gove being electrocuted, it's him being electrocuted
0:34:10 > 0:34:12while being covered in shit at the same time.
0:34:14 > 0:34:17And what great stroke of irony fell upon the filming of
0:34:17 > 0:34:22- Russell Crowe's film, Noah?- The boat that they built, it floated away.
0:34:22 > 0:34:23Nearly - it was stopped
0:34:23 > 0:34:25by Superstorm Sandy, it halted production.
0:34:25 > 0:34:28Another irony is that it wasn't true.
0:34:28 > 0:34:29- What, the story of Noah?- Yeah.
0:34:31 > 0:34:34LAUGHTER
0:34:34 > 0:34:36What are you, some sort of East Coast liberal?
0:34:38 > 0:34:41I, I never quite bought it. I don't think it happened.
0:34:41 > 0:34:43It could have been earlier - Gilgamesh.
0:34:43 > 0:34:46- Exactly. - There is other evidence of a flood.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49- I think there was a big flood. - This is a topical show...
0:34:50 > 0:34:51Um...
0:34:51 > 0:34:54It's not often you get to talk about the epic of Gilgamesh
0:34:54 > 0:34:57on BBC One and I'm going to use the opportunity!
0:34:57 > 0:35:00On release, the Russell Crowe film Noah was banned in several
0:35:00 > 0:35:01countries, including...
0:35:03 > 0:35:07Not on religious grounds. They've just got higher cinematic standards.
0:35:08 > 0:35:12Flooding in Carlisle caused millions of pounds' worth of damage
0:35:12 > 0:35:14to a local biscuit factory.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16As flood levels rose, very few biscuits were able to survive
0:35:16 > 0:35:18in the rising waters,
0:35:18 > 0:35:21except, of course, the Penguins.
0:35:21 > 0:35:23Which means at the end of this round,
0:35:23 > 0:35:25it's five to Paul and Rich
0:35:25 > 0:35:26and three to Ian and Maureen.
0:35:26 > 0:35:29- No!- How did that happen?
0:35:34 > 0:35:35Time for the Missing Words round,
0:35:35 > 0:35:38which, this week, features as its guest publication...
0:35:40 > 0:35:42That's a magazine that doesn't GLOSS over the issues
0:35:42 > 0:35:44and isn't afraid to stir up EMULSIONS.
0:35:44 > 0:35:46LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:35:46 > 0:35:48We start with...
0:35:50 > 0:35:53Is it "refuses to take responsibility for the referendum"?
0:36:00 > 0:36:03Yes. Upon finding Dave, the UK's longest ever earthworm -
0:36:03 > 0:36:07there he is - Paul Rees sent him to the Natural History Museum,
0:36:07 > 0:36:10where he was immediately killed in the name of science.
0:36:10 > 0:36:12Why did he send him to a museum, though?
0:36:12 > 0:36:15I mean, why not send it to a zoo, if he wanted it to live?
0:36:15 > 0:36:17It's a pretty poor zoo that would exhibit a worm.
0:36:20 > 0:36:22"I've seen the worms of Whipsnade."
0:36:24 > 0:36:25Don't get out of the car!
0:36:25 > 0:36:28Don't get out of the car, they can turn.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31Next...
0:36:34 > 0:36:36Donald Trump making a grab for her.
0:36:37 > 0:36:39- Short-term happiness.- Yes!
0:36:39 > 0:36:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:36:46 > 0:36:51A photograph of her husband kissing Raquel Welch.
0:36:51 > 0:36:52Raquel Welch?!
0:36:52 > 0:36:54I had no idea what I was going to say
0:36:54 > 0:36:57at the beginning of that sentence. Surprised the hell out of me.
0:36:57 > 0:36:59The answer is, obviously...
0:37:02 > 0:37:06Oh, I know this story. This is in a production of King Lear.
0:37:06 > 0:37:09Which I actually went to see this week.
0:37:09 > 0:37:12In the scene where they gouge out Gloucester's eyes,
0:37:12 > 0:37:16one of the daughters threw the eye into the audience,
0:37:16 > 0:37:18and not the night I went, but another night,
0:37:18 > 0:37:20it ended up in someone's ice cream.
0:37:20 > 0:37:23I like the productions where they eat the eye.
0:37:23 > 0:37:26So, you've gone to see Shakespeare more than once?
0:37:28 > 0:37:29Why?
0:37:29 > 0:37:33Um... I've watched Black Mirror, some of it, more than once.
0:37:33 > 0:37:35- Really?- Yeah.- How did it com...
0:37:35 > 0:37:38Hold on a minute! "How did it compare to Shakespeare?"
0:37:40 > 0:37:44Which was better, my programme or Shakespeare?
0:37:44 > 0:37:48Shakespeare. Much as I enjoyed the Shakespeare, um...
0:37:48 > 0:37:52No, I'm afraid it was... It was a bit better.
0:37:52 > 0:37:54Oh. Um, er...
0:37:55 > 0:37:57Next...
0:37:59 > 0:38:01Annoys family at bottom of cliff.
0:38:04 > 0:38:07"It's coming down our chimney, mate!"
0:38:07 > 0:38:09You were nearly right... Well, no, er...
0:38:12 > 0:38:15This is an article from Paint and Resin Times,
0:38:15 > 0:38:19about how a public toilet was transformed with a lick of paint.
0:38:19 > 0:38:20Next...
0:38:23 > 0:38:24- MAUREEN:- Painted blue.
0:38:24 > 0:38:27This is the old joke - fight breaks out when a husband comes home
0:38:27 > 0:38:29and finds his wife in bed with three policeman.
0:38:29 > 0:38:31And the husband says, "'Ello, 'ello, 'ello?"
0:38:31 > 0:38:33And the wife says, "What's the matter?
0:38:33 > 0:38:35"Aren't you talking to me, then?"
0:38:37 > 0:38:39- That's a joke. - APPLAUSE
0:38:39 > 0:38:42Finds his wife in bed with Dave, the record-breaking worm.
0:38:44 > 0:38:46Animals are involved.
0:38:46 > 0:38:49Husband comes home and find his wife in bed with an ocelot.
0:38:50 > 0:38:52So tempted to give you that.
0:38:52 > 0:38:54That's what he said to the ocelot.
0:38:57 > 0:38:59It's fight breaks out when husband comes home...
0:39:02 > 0:39:04- With ANOTHER penguin?! - With another penguin.
0:39:04 > 0:39:06That was the twist!
0:39:06 > 0:39:09Yes, this is a National Geographic video clip
0:39:09 > 0:39:11involving a penguin love triangle
0:39:11 > 0:39:13which ended in violence between the males.
0:39:13 > 0:39:14Next...
0:39:16 > 0:39:19- RICH:- Heads for Mexican border.
0:39:19 > 0:39:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:39:26 > 0:39:28Bus disguised as brick wall
0:39:28 > 0:39:29seeks similar.
0:39:32 > 0:39:34It's bus disguised as brick wall...
0:39:36 > 0:39:38This is... Apparently.
0:39:38 > 0:39:42It's from Paint and Resin Times. Here is the bus.
0:39:42 > 0:39:43Oh, wow.
0:39:43 > 0:39:45Finally...
0:39:47 > 0:39:50Taking your children to be DNA tested.
0:39:52 > 0:39:54That would be a pretty sad hobby, wouldn't it?
0:39:54 > 0:39:56"They're not yours."
0:39:56 > 0:39:59- RICH:- Consolidating your freckles with a marker pen.
0:40:02 > 0:40:03The answer is...
0:40:07 > 0:40:10- Here's one.- That's all right. - That's all right.
0:40:10 > 0:40:12It's better than you thought, isn't it? Here's another one.
0:40:12 > 0:40:14- Art Deco, very Art Deco.- Racy.
0:40:14 > 0:40:16And finally, look at this.
0:40:16 > 0:40:18See? It's actually quite good.
0:40:18 > 0:40:21Of course, what a mere photograph can't really convey
0:40:21 > 0:40:23is the squelch.
0:40:25 > 0:40:27Anyway, the final scores are
0:40:27 > 0:40:29Paul and Rich with five,
0:40:29 > 0:40:32and Ian and Maureen with three.
0:40:32 > 0:40:33APPLAUSE
0:40:35 > 0:40:37On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:40:37 > 0:40:40Ian Hislop and Maureen Lipman, Paul Merton and Rich Hall,
0:40:40 > 0:40:43and I leave you with news that TV audiences around the world
0:40:43 > 0:40:45are coming to terms with a Donald Trump presidency
0:40:45 > 0:40:48leading to a destabilised, chaotic and divided America.
0:40:51 > 0:40:55A resort just outside Moscow hosts a bonding awayday
0:40:55 > 0:40:57for Vladimir Putin's Cabinet.
0:41:00 > 0:41:02And in Dover, two Ukip supporters
0:41:02 > 0:41:05spot a member of the judiciary out for a stroll.
0:41:09 > 0:41:10Goodnight.