0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I'm Alexander Armstrong. In the news this week,
0:00:43 > 0:00:45on a building site in Manchester
0:00:45 > 0:00:47after a construction worker is injured in a fall,
0:00:47 > 0:00:50the main culprit tries to sneak away from the scene.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Following Donald Trump's shock victory,
0:00:57 > 0:00:59the youth wing of the Ku Klux Klan
0:00:59 > 0:01:01slightly jumped the gun with a visit to Washington.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09And in the grounds of Windsor Castle, a furious Kate Middleton
0:01:09 > 0:01:12wonders where the hell Princess Charlotte's buggy's gone.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who in one show
0:01:19 > 0:01:22lambasted posh white men as the cause of all Britain's problems.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Yeah, well, that's as may be.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26You just try holding a boat race without them.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Please welcome Nish Kumar.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30APPLAUSE
0:01:35 > 0:01:37And with Paul tonight is a Labour MP
0:01:37 > 0:01:39who says she spent many of her evenings as a teenager
0:01:39 > 0:01:41leafleting for the Labour Party,
0:01:41 > 0:01:43although her parents told friends she was in prison.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Please welcome Jess Phillips MP.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48APPLAUSE
0:01:51 > 0:01:53And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Ian and Nish, take a look at this.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58- Oh, yes, the Chancellor flying an aeroplane.- The Autumn Statement.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02- It's jam. - Erm, that is not scientific.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05The big news of the Autumn Statement
0:02:05 > 0:02:09- is that he's cancelling the Autumn Statement.- That's right, yes.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12That's a pretty gangsta move, like, to come out and be like,
0:02:12 > 0:02:13"What is your Autumn Statement?"
0:02:13 > 0:02:16"This is the last one. Mic drop. Hammond out."
0:02:18 > 0:02:21- Tell me something not boring about Philip Hammond.- Ohhh...
0:02:21 > 0:02:23- Can you tell us something not boring?- He...
0:02:23 > 0:02:26He's a champion water-skier.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- He used to run a nightclub.- What?
0:02:29 > 0:02:32That must have been the worst nightclub ever.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Was it Cinatra's with a C?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Just listen to what this lady has to say.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40I remember going round to his house once.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43We got hold of half a bottle of sherry
0:02:43 > 0:02:47and, erm, proceeded to drink it and, very randomly,
0:02:47 > 0:02:50we ended up having a bit of a cheeky snog.
0:02:50 > 0:02:55MUSIC: Bang A Gong (Get It On) by T. Rex.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Who'd have thought that Philip Hammond was such a good kisser?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Literally no-one.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08I mean, in that photo, he looks like the guy that did it in all films.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13But to be fair, he's the only one that's bothered to turn up in focus.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17"To other kids, it doesn't matter, you know..."
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Well, we saw some jam there. What was the jam all about?
0:03:22 > 0:03:24It's a new acronym for the Government -
0:03:24 > 0:03:28Just About Managing, and it describes their performance.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32The fact is we're in unbelievable debt.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34We're in even more debt than we've ever been.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38£2 trillion of debt, which we're going to have to pay off.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40All those years of austerity and we've just given up.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42I don't want to be gloomy.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Cos if you're gloomy, you know, they come and get you.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48The Chancellor's only just keeping his job.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50People saying, "Oh, for God's sake, Hammond, can't you cheer up?
0:03:50 > 0:03:52"Tell us that the weather's lovely."
0:03:52 > 0:03:56"But it isn't. Winter's coming."
0:03:58 > 0:04:01People are angry with him because he's...
0:04:01 > 0:04:03The growth forecasts are lower
0:04:03 > 0:04:05and the forecasts for our national debt
0:04:05 > 0:04:08are going to be much higher than previously projected,
0:04:08 > 0:04:11and he's getting a lot of this information
0:04:11 > 0:04:13from the Office For Budget Responsibility
0:04:13 > 0:04:17and their figures are a lot gloomier in the aftermath of Brexit,
0:04:17 > 0:04:21and Jacob Rees-Mogg was interviewed on Newsnight and he said...
0:04:21 > 0:04:24he quoted Cicero and he said, "There's nothing so absurd
0:04:24 > 0:04:27"that it hasn't been said by some philosopher."
0:04:27 > 0:04:31And something else Cicero said was, "Do not listen to Jacob Rees-Mogg!"
0:04:31 > 0:04:32Oh, don't!
0:04:32 > 0:04:36Let's have a quick look at Jacob now.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Here is Jacob making his pronouncement.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40There is a great line from Cicero, "There is nothing so absurd
0:04:40 > 0:04:43"that it hasn't been said by some philosopher,"
0:04:43 > 0:04:46and I think suspicion of experts goes back into antiquity
0:04:46 > 0:04:48and it's a very healthy thing to have.
0:04:48 > 0:04:53Experts, soothsayers, astrologers are all in much the same category.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58He is not a real person! That is not a real person!
0:04:58 > 0:05:01That is Sacha Baron Cohen doing a character!
0:05:01 > 0:05:03APPLAUSE
0:05:03 > 0:05:05But I love Jacob!
0:05:05 > 0:05:08So, how is Hammond going to help the Just About Managing?
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- What's he going to do? - He's borrowing lots of money.
0:05:10 > 0:05:15He's reversing some of the cuts and he's going to build roads
0:05:15 > 0:05:17- and houses and infrastructure. - Upping the minimum wage.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18Upping the minimum wage.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21He's doing lots of things that quite a lot of people agree with,
0:05:21 > 0:05:23which is sort of his job. He's meant to be quite boring.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Erm, and to make everyone feel calm.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29And that there isn't going to be a disaster.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33- Unfortunately, Mrs May used the term "the cliff edge".- Yes, that's right.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35"We don't want to go up to the cliff edge,"
0:05:35 > 0:05:38and you're thinking, "Hang on, he's telling us to calm down and...
0:05:38 > 0:05:40"Oh, my God, there's a cliff edge!" But...
0:05:40 > 0:05:42That's right, Theresa May said she does not want...
0:05:44 > 0:05:46No, well, that's sound.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Some people DO want to go off a cliff edge, though.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Who are the people who like the cliff edge?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53- Is it Iain Duncan Smith?- Ooh, yes.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Richard Tice from the Leave Means Leave group, he likes it.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59He says we need a quick transition to Brexit to avoid uncertainty,
0:05:59 > 0:06:01whereas Paul Nuttall, the UKIP leadership candidate,
0:06:01 > 0:06:03says, "There is no cliff. It's a springboard."
0:06:05 > 0:06:07He can be the first one off, then!
0:06:07 > 0:06:09You try it first.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Philip Hammond, of course, has been debating public spending
0:06:12 > 0:06:14for a long time, as we can see from this clip.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15- This is a clip from 2010.- Oh!
0:06:15 > 0:06:19I don't think any party has identified in detail
0:06:19 > 0:06:21how they will reduce public spending
0:06:21 > 0:06:24over the course of the coming Parliament.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26The question to the Labour Party, to Peppa, if I may,
0:06:26 > 0:06:30is you have all the civil servants, you have all the data,
0:06:30 > 0:06:31you're sitting on all the contracts,
0:06:31 > 0:06:33you know all the forward commitments.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Why have you not published a comprehensive spending review?
0:06:37 > 0:06:39She has no answer!
0:06:42 > 0:06:45- Hammond has spent £1.3 billion on something.- Yes.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47What was that? What would you do with 1.3...?
0:06:47 > 0:06:50- Ballet lessons.- No, no.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Paid it off.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55- Potholes, spent it on potholes, yeah.- That much on potholes?
0:06:55 > 0:06:581.3 billion to fix all the potholes in the country.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Anyway, so there was great news around Brexit Britain.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Come on, libtards, come on, let's cheer up! Come on! It's great news.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Let's look on the bright side. Now, what's the bright side?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09- Brexit's going to cost us...- No, the bright side, the bright side.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11- Oh, sorry.- Jobs are up.- Yes.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Facebook and Google are expanding.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16They're creating hundreds of jobs - in tax avoidance, mainly.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Erm...
0:07:18 > 0:07:21What does the Daily Star claim are coming down?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23- Prices. - Exactly - prices are coming down.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25This Friday, there's going to be
0:07:25 > 0:07:28a Bumper Black Friday Brexit Bonanza discount.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30We're not doing that again, are we?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Yes. It's to cheer up Britain and, in anticipation...
0:07:32 > 0:07:34- That's why it's called Black Friday? - Yeah.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38What are Morrisons supermarket hiring several of?
0:07:38 > 0:07:39- Assassins.- This is...
0:07:39 > 0:07:41They're going to cull the shoppers.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44"We haven't got enough yoghurt to sell to everybody."
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Morrisons are hiring...
0:07:54 > 0:07:57How has Boris been upsetting the Europeans this week?
0:07:57 > 0:08:01His diplomatic skills aren't meant to be terribly good.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02He...
0:08:02 > 0:08:05He went into a meeting with the Italians and said,
0:08:05 > 0:08:09"Well, if you don't let us have access to the market without freedom of movement,
0:08:09 > 0:08:12"then we won't buy any more of your prosecco."
0:08:12 > 0:08:14And the Italian got very upset
0:08:14 > 0:08:16and they gave an interview to a Czech newspaper
0:08:16 > 0:08:18and said that their view was bollocks.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21That's not a translation from the Czech,
0:08:21 > 0:08:23it's what he actually said.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25And everyone said, "This man is, A, not diplomatic
0:08:25 > 0:08:29"and, B, is offending us... on all levels."
0:08:29 > 0:08:34I mean, to reduce Italy down to prosecco... What about Parmesan?
0:08:34 > 0:08:35Yes.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Who's planning on making a comeback?
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Des O'Connor.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42To be fair, he never went away.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46- Tony Blair.- Tony Blair, yes. - Blair? Fantastic news!
0:08:46 > 0:08:48A source told the Sunday Times...
0:08:51 > 0:08:52I can think of one.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57I mean, are you desperate enough to welcome him back?
0:08:57 > 0:09:00I mean, I suppose the Labour Party's having a bit of a tough time,
0:09:00 > 0:09:05but I'm not entirely sure he's the answer to that particular question.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07You don't think he'd come back and be popular?
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Well, it's difficult to say. He won three elections, didn't he?
0:09:10 > 0:09:13So he's more popular than we've been for some time.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Erm...
0:09:15 > 0:09:18But, yeah, I mean, I think that...
0:09:18 > 0:09:21It's not the person I would have picked, but there we go.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24But meanwhile, I mean, Labour must just be rubbing their hands
0:09:24 > 0:09:26at the disarray the Government finds themselves in.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Just landing some careful blows.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32- That's right, it's a precision team. - Yeah. What...?
0:09:32 > 0:09:35What has Jeremy Corbyn's response been?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37I'm not entirely sure.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40I don't even know the answer.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43There have been a couple of gnomic tweets from him.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46- Perhaps you can interpret these for us.- Oh, yeah, the tweets, yeah.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47Here's one.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Is that a cryptic crossword clue?
0:10:13 > 0:10:15People of Birmingham Yardley speak of little else.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21I just think no response is better, because after the sort of...
0:10:21 > 0:10:24In the immediate aftermath of the EU referendum,
0:10:24 > 0:10:27it was kind of impressive, the way that the Labour Party looked
0:10:27 > 0:10:30at the Conservatives in turmoil and didn't think,
0:10:30 > 0:10:32"Oh, we can use this to our advantage," and instead just went,
0:10:32 > 0:10:34"You call that political disarray?
0:10:36 > 0:10:40"Sit down, let the professionals show you how it's done!"
0:10:40 > 0:10:43This is Philip Hammond's first Autumn Statement as Chancellor.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Well, actually, it's his second.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48His first statement was just, "Oh, shit."
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Theresa May has inspired the acronym Jam for those who are...
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Although, for some reason she hasn't come up with
0:10:55 > 0:10:56a term yet for those fat cats who are...
0:11:00 > 0:11:03APPLAUSE
0:11:05 > 0:11:08The British economy broke a new record this week
0:11:08 > 0:11:09as the national debt soared to...
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Which sounds like a lot, but don't worry -
0:11:13 > 0:11:17at the current exchange rate, that's only just over 100.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20According to the Sun, as the Shadow Chancellor, John McDonnell,
0:11:20 > 0:11:22made his statement...
0:11:25 > 0:11:28To be fair, they were monitoring the financial markets,
0:11:28 > 0:11:30except for Keith Vaz, who I suspect was on Grindr.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Paul and Jess, have this.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40This is obviously the story of Nigel Farage being appointed
0:11:40 > 0:11:44by Twitter by Donald Trump to potentially be the ambassador
0:11:44 > 0:11:46between the UK and the US,
0:11:46 > 0:11:53which would make Nigel Farage an economic migrant.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55And Theresa May basically saying,
0:11:55 > 0:11:59"I'm UKIP enough by myself, I don't need Nigel Farage's help."
0:12:01 > 0:12:03And saying, "There is no vacancy
0:12:03 > 0:12:07"for migrant-hating racists in my..."
0:12:07 > 0:12:10- Administration. - "..administration," yes, so...
0:12:10 > 0:12:12- There's enough. - Yeah, there's plenty.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Because last week we weren't on because it was Children With Knees
0:12:15 > 0:12:17- and we had... - LAUGHTER
0:12:17 > 0:12:22But I have not read a paper, so this just sounds all so absurd.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- Oh, there's more.- Is there more?
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Yeah. Trump has proposed to the Queen...
0:12:26 > 0:12:28- NISH:- Oh, God! - JESS:- Marriage?
0:12:28 > 0:12:33..and she's accepted, and the wedding is next year.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36They're going to have it in Trump Tower.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38- It's going to be fantastic. - Oh, I look forward to it.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39- Yeah, I'm best man.- Oh, are you?
0:12:41 > 0:12:44- He hasn't actually appointed him. I mean...- No, but via Twitter.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45I mean, that's real, isn't it?
0:12:45 > 0:12:47And the President isn't actually allowed to appoint
0:12:47 > 0:12:49- our ambassador yet.- No, no.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51- Thankfully not. - NISH:- Not on Twitter.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53- If he does it on Facebook, it's legally binding.- Yeah.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56What was Farage's little girlish response to this?
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Well, he sort of said, "Oh, you know,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01"they just don't recognise what brilliance I could offer to this,"
0:13:01 > 0:13:05and probably called her a fascist and said that she was
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- moaning - that seems to be what he says about everything.- Yeah.
0:13:08 > 0:13:09He said...
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Really? A bolt from the blue - really, Nigel?
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Because according to the Daily Mail...
0:13:34 > 0:13:36I think Farage had been there for days, don't you?
0:13:36 > 0:13:38- JESS:- Yeah, waiting!
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Isn't all this just a sort of, like, hoax, just to fool me,
0:13:41 > 0:13:44that this stuff is happening? I mean, it's quite elaborate...
0:13:46 > 0:13:47No, but I refuse to believe it.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51It's a giant hoax, go on, it's a surprise, isn't it? What is it?
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- No, what is it, what's happening? - Yeah, it was a tweet...
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Is it a hoax on me, the whole thing?
0:13:57 > 0:13:59- It's a hoax on us all. - A hoax on us all? OK.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01So, it was a late-night tweet from Trump.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Do you remember roughly what it said?
0:14:03 > 0:14:09It said that many people think that Nigel Farage would make an excellent
0:14:09 > 0:14:12ambassador between the UK and the US, or something along those lines.
0:14:12 > 0:14:13That's many in the sense of one.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17I responded to Donald Trump and I said, "Name them."
0:14:17 > 0:14:19This is exactly what he said...
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Donald Trump doesn't even follow Nigel Farage on Twitter,
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- which is a massive digital slap in the face.- Really?
0:14:31 > 0:14:32Yeah, he doesn't even follow him,
0:14:32 > 0:14:34so he doesn't think he's that great a job.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37He doesn't think he's got top bants online.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Do you remember Christopher Meyer,
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- who was Tony Blair's ambassador to the US?- Yeah.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45- Do you remember what his instruction was?- Yeah.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49Get as drunk as possible, and then avoid everybody.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51- It was pretty nearly that.- Was it?
0:14:51 > 0:14:54He was told to, "Get as far up George Bush's arse as you can."
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Exactly! "We want you to go..."
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Is he allowed to use crampons?
0:15:00 > 0:15:01Is he?
0:15:06 > 0:15:09So, that's the brief. Actually, maybe Nigel Farage is qualified.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13Well, Blair did it himself. He didn't actually need an ambassador.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Now, who'd like to see a picture of Farage,
0:15:15 > 0:15:18quite possibly the happiest moment in his life?
0:15:20 > 0:15:22- I think that's the door into Trump Tower.- It is fantastic.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Have you seen the pictures of inside?
0:15:25 > 0:15:28It's sort of late Gaddafi, the decor.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Perhaps early Saddam, but it's...
0:15:36 > 0:15:40It's a riot of vulgar dictator chic, it is.
0:15:42 > 0:15:43I mean, it's fantastic.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46I would watch a whole documentary series, with...
0:15:46 > 0:15:49It's like Location, Location, Location, but it's you just
0:15:49 > 0:15:52describing everything in relation to former dictators.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55"Oh, there is an absolute soupcon of Mao in here."
0:15:57 > 0:16:00I'm afraid it would be me going around going, "Oh, dear..."
0:16:02 > 0:16:05But is there a world in which Farage is right,
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- that actually maybe he would be a...?- No.- Is he an asset at all?
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Because he gets on with Trump, he has the ear of Trump.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14Getting on with him is not a reason to be the ambassador of the UK.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Incidentally, can anyone tell me who said this?
0:16:24 > 0:16:25- NISH:- Was it Tony Blair?
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- Nigel Farage said that. - It was Nigel Farage, exactly.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- In a tweet last year. - Proving even he is sometimes right.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Or very right, in his case...
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Meanwhile, how is Theresa May's special relationship
0:16:38 > 0:16:41- with Trump coming along? - Very good.- Very good.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44He said to her, "If you're ever over, do drop in."
0:16:44 > 0:16:46I haven't even made that up, that was it.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49"If you're coming over, let me know."
0:16:49 > 0:16:53That's what you say to the couple you don't like on holiday, isn't it?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Trump gave an interview to the New York Times this week.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58He broke one of his campaign promises in it.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59Do you know what that was?
0:16:59 > 0:17:02- The wall's not going to be a wall, it's going to be a fence.- Fence.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Then a sign.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Then an old man going, "Tchu, tchu, tchu."
0:17:07 > 0:17:10- And he's not going to lock up Hillary.- That's the one, yes.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14Anyone would think this show's trying to cheer us all up.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16He dropped his threat to lock up Hillary Clinton.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24That's not going to go down well with the nutters, is it?
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Did anyone catch any other gems from his interview?
0:17:26 > 0:17:30He hasn't been locked up himself, so maybe he's feeling clement.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32- Yeah.- Because Trump University settled the case.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36First president who's actually had to pay out for fraud.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37He said...
0:17:44 > 0:17:47There was an issue that some people were perhaps thinking
0:17:47 > 0:17:51- might have been there to distract from this.- Yeah, it was Hamilton.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Mike Pence went to a musical, and Mike Pence believes that
0:17:54 > 0:17:58you can electrocute gay people until they're heterosexual again,
0:17:58 > 0:17:59and he went to see a musical.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03And unsurprisingly, the audience did not react favourably.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08I'm just thinking of the potential of the rhyme of Pence and fence.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- JESS:- Oh, yeah.- Don't you think that would...? Thank you.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Rap, it's much easier than it looks.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Another flurry of late-night tweets from Donald Trump.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44If an audience booing you demands an apology
0:18:44 > 0:18:47then the people of Leamington Spa owe me a parade
0:18:47 > 0:18:49after last Saturday. I can't...
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Mike Pence should try being a stand-up comedian.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55The things people... "You're awful." "This is dreadful."
0:18:55 > 0:18:59"You're a huge disappointment to me and your father." It's just...
0:19:00 > 0:19:03I did love the fact that Trump, in his tweet, said,
0:19:03 > 0:19:06"The theatre is meant to be a safe space."
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Rather ignores the history of the American presidency.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Have you ever noticed how much alpha males like to touch
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- each other, in the US? - Yeah, quite a lot. All the time.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Noah Garfinkel on Twitter has noticed this.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Let's see how many backslaps there are in this clip.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Well, I think that's proof that Donald Trump believes in
0:19:43 > 0:19:46diversity - it's not just women he grabs.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49"It's guys, you can grab 'em by the shoulder, hey,
0:19:49 > 0:19:50"get 'em by the butt."
0:19:52 > 0:19:55This is the suggestion from Donald Trump that Nigel Farage
0:19:55 > 0:19:57should be the UK ambassador in Washington.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Although last time he was asked about the Embassy situation,
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Nigel Farage said, "OK, I'll take 20 if they don't have any Rothmans."
0:20:05 > 0:20:08There's been speculation that Trump might give a job
0:20:08 > 0:20:12to his son-in-law Jared Kushner, but according to the Telegraph...
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Laws brought in by George Bush, or was it his dad?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24So, at the end of this round, it's two points each.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Two points each, very good.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36And so to round two, the picture-spin quiz.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43BUZZER
0:20:43 > 0:20:47The royal family have been hit, like all of us, heavily with the finances
0:20:47 > 0:20:50and they've started up a two-person do-it-yourself team.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Liz and Phil - No Job Too Small.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02No, I think this must be about Buckingham Palace.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04It's got to be renovated at the cost of...
0:21:04 > 0:21:06- £370 million, they say. - That will go up.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08- Yeah, it will. - There have been calls for the Queen
0:21:08 > 0:21:11to contribute to the Buckingham Palace repair bill.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13She could write a cheque or she could do what she did
0:21:13 > 0:21:17with Windsor Castle and burn it down for the insurance.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20But what's actually going to be done to the palace?
0:21:20 > 0:21:23They are getting in Trump's designer...
0:21:23 > 0:21:28and finally we're going to have a palace that actually looks like one.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31It's going to be gold outside and leopardskin inside.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34The throne's being done up with peacock feathers and
0:21:34 > 0:21:37proper bling, you know, all the way through.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40And there's a casino on Horse Guards Parade,
0:21:40 > 0:21:44with one-armed bandits all the way and the Coldstream Guards
0:21:44 > 0:21:47will play hits from Cats as you...
0:21:48 > 0:21:52Prince Andrew's going to be an Elvis impersonator...
0:21:53 > 0:21:55He's going to do Love Me Tender, you know,
0:21:55 > 0:21:58as you hit the blackjack tables. So I can't wait,
0:21:58 > 0:22:01I think it's going to be fantastic.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08According to the Guardian, the work will cover...
0:22:12 > 0:22:14And even...
0:22:15 > 0:22:18"If only," muttered Charles.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21But things have been going wrong already, haven't they?
0:22:21 > 0:22:22Can you think of any other...?
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Well, it's 70 years since they did anything there.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27- Yeah, no plumbing for 70 years. - Do you know, for example,
0:22:27 > 0:22:29what happened in the Queen's en suite recently?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Ooh, she blocked it.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35According to the Guardian...
0:22:39 > 0:22:41That's a narrow escape - one aggressive pull from
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Prince Philip and it could have changed the course of history.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47But what hardship do visiting world leaders have to endure
0:22:47 > 0:22:50- if they stay in the Orleans Suite? - They don't...
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- They have to go down a corridor to the toilet.- That's right.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Could you imagine such horror?
0:22:54 > 0:22:57You have to walk down with your toothbrush and your sponge bag.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Yeah, like, in old sort of Wee Willie Winkie...
0:22:59 > 0:23:02God, you might bump into Donald Trump at four in the morning
0:23:02 > 0:23:06in his bathrobe. Ohh! What other dangers are lurking in the palace?
0:23:06 > 0:23:11- Rats.- I daresay. But structural dangers?- Oh, structural dangers.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13- Ghosts. - There have been falling chunks.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17The Mail reported that one narrowly missed the Princess Royal and...
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- I don't remember that story at the time.- I know, that's amazing!
0:23:29 > 0:23:30Who discovered this week that they have
0:23:30 > 0:23:33blue blood in their veins, unexpectedly?
0:23:33 > 0:23:34Oh, the bloke from EastEnders.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37- I saw the trailer for it, Who Do You Think You Are?- Danny Dyer.- Is it?
0:23:37 > 0:23:39That's his name.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Yeah, cockney geezer Danny Dyer discovered
0:23:41 > 0:23:44that he is not only related to William the Conqueror
0:23:44 > 0:23:46and Edward III, but he's also
0:23:46 > 0:23:49- Henry VIII's advisor Thomas Cromwell's descendant.- Wow.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53What did he think about his newly found relations in the past?
0:23:53 > 0:23:55What's his attitude to the Royals been?
0:23:55 > 0:23:57He told the Guardian...
0:24:01 > 0:24:04And what did Dyer do straight after he discovered this?
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Make another terrible gangster movie?
0:24:06 > 0:24:07He went out and bought Wolf Hall,
0:24:07 > 0:24:09based on the life of Thomas Cromwell.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11And he...
0:24:15 > 0:24:18And now, now he can't stop seeing parallels, everywhere he looks.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20In fact, he drinks in the...
0:24:21 > 0:24:25Yeah. Does he get a head on the pint of beer?
0:24:26 > 0:24:29And finally, can you guess what Danny Dyer thinks of our
0:24:29 > 0:24:32- Prime Minister, Theresa May? - Yeah, he thinks she's gorgeous.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Fantastic, loves her shoes.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36She's a diamond geezer, what can I say about her? She's great.
0:24:36 > 0:24:37He thinks...
0:24:43 > 0:24:44I know where he's coming from.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Yes, this is the renovation of Buckingham Palace
0:24:47 > 0:24:49that is set to cost £370 million.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Several of the gas boilers at Buckingham Palace need replacing
0:24:52 > 0:24:56and of course the engineers who do it will have to be Corgi-approved.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01There was a joke in Private Eye that was very similar to that.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04- Do you remember it, Ian?- I do. It's in this issue. It was similar
0:25:04 > 0:25:06in the sense of being identical.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14But I'm not going to use this as an opportunity to flog my
0:25:14 > 0:25:18merchandise if, say, I had a Christmas album of songs.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21I...I wouldn't bring it up.
0:25:21 > 0:25:22What's that I can hear?
0:25:22 > 0:25:24MUSIC PLAYS
0:25:24 > 0:25:25ALEXANDER: # Golden Brown
0:25:25 > 0:25:27# Texture like sun
0:25:27 > 0:25:31# Lays me down, with my mind she runs
0:25:31 > 0:25:33# Throughout the night... #
0:25:39 > 0:25:41I've played that song to my wife as a punishment.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45- You know it's a song about heroin, don't you?- I do, I do.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48I think it's a song about a state of mind.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49Caused by heroin.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54I thought for years it was about Gordon Brown!
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Surely the lyric "Never a frown, with Gordon Brown..."
0:25:59 > 0:26:03must have thrown you off the scent somewhat?
0:26:03 > 0:26:07Thank you. Your Christmas annual must be out any day now...
0:26:08 > 0:26:11My electronic tag comes off on Boxing Day.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13I'm looking forward to that happening.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15- SCATTERED APPLAUSE - Thank you very much, thank you.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20BUZZER
0:26:20 > 0:26:23It's the annual story, it comes round every year, which is funny
0:26:23 > 0:26:25with annual stories...
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Basically, Lapland gone wrong, it's always a disaster
0:26:27 > 0:26:30- and somebody else has done it this year.- That's right, yes.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Bakewell Winter Wonderland, for example, is nicknamed...
0:26:34 > 0:26:37..after visitors paid £7 to trek through a muddy field,
0:26:37 > 0:26:38only to find...
0:26:41 > 0:26:44If this happens every year, do you think people just never learn?
0:26:44 > 0:26:48If I set up Nigerian Minister Writes You A Letter Land...
0:26:49 > 0:26:52..do you think people would come along and just give me their money?
0:26:52 > 0:26:55One person compared the conditions slightly dramatically to...
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Was there a £7 entry fee for that as well?
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Nothing like a sense of proportion, is there?
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Here's a picture of the scene...
0:27:08 > 0:27:09The Magic Wellington Boot Table.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Why were the Woodward family particularly disappointed by
0:27:12 > 0:27:14what was on offer?
0:27:14 > 0:27:16- They'd come a long way. - They'd come a very long way,
0:27:16 > 0:27:19all the way down from Sheffield with their caravan and...
0:27:21 > 0:27:22But...
0:27:24 > 0:27:27They did manage to pick up a few Christmas gifts, though,
0:27:27 > 0:27:28at the stalls.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31- Can you imagine what they picked up? - Chlamydia?
0:27:36 > 0:27:40The organisers posted an apology on Facebook, blaming...
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Winter Wonderland in Barrow, Cumbria, was also criticised
0:27:45 > 0:27:48this week - the ice rink flooded, the German market never materialised
0:27:48 > 0:27:49and one mother said her children...
0:27:52 > 0:27:54The Walk Home Land!
0:27:54 > 0:27:56I can set that one up, too.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59You come to my field, there's nothing there.
0:27:59 > 0:28:00Just walk home!
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Seven quid! I'll have that.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04- It's hard entertaining kids, though.- Yeah.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07Here is a child giving a particularly eloquent review
0:28:07 > 0:28:09of a visit to a safari park.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12- DAD:- It's going to kick off here.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14- MUM:- Oh, my God.- DAD:- Oh, God.
0:28:24 > 0:28:29Yes, this is the annual story of a winter blunderland.
0:28:29 > 0:28:30Angry parents said...
0:28:34 > 0:28:36Sounds like they nailed Christmas, to me.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38Which means at the end of that round,
0:28:38 > 0:28:41Ian and Nish are on 2, Paul and Jess are on 4.
0:28:50 > 0:28:54Time now for the odd-one-out round. Paul and Jess, your four are...
0:28:54 > 0:28:55Sir Tony Robinson.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57DH Lawrence.
0:28:57 > 0:28:58Lucy, the oldest known human.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00And Simon Cowell.
0:29:00 > 0:29:04Lucy, the oldest known human, she is a sort of...
0:29:04 > 0:29:06- Is she a reconstruction of... - She is.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09- ..of what we used to be like?- Yes. - Back in the '40s.
0:29:11 > 0:29:12I've no idea.
0:29:12 > 0:29:17- Have you got a clue? - Heseltine has thousands of them.
0:29:17 > 0:29:19- Are these trees?- Yes.- Oh.
0:29:19 > 0:29:23I was going to say effigies of Margaret Thatcher.
0:29:23 > 0:29:25- Carry on...- Trees?
0:29:25 > 0:29:29DH Lawrence's books were published in paper...
0:29:31 > 0:29:35- Zacchaeus could have been up there. - The tax collector...
0:29:35 > 0:29:36- He's... Olive trees?- No, no.
0:29:36 > 0:29:38Fig trees?
0:29:38 > 0:29:40- No, I misled you there.- Oh, I see.
0:29:40 > 0:29:44I'm more interested in an exact biblical tree than I am...
0:29:44 > 0:29:47- Yeah. - ..in the answer to this question...
0:29:47 > 0:29:49- Lucy is the odd one out. - No.
0:29:49 > 0:29:50The only thing anyone knows about her,
0:29:50 > 0:29:52she was named after a Beatles song.
0:29:52 > 0:29:54She was named after Lucy In The Sky.
0:29:54 > 0:29:57- Yeah. That's not going to help here. - I saw it in a documentary.
0:29:57 > 0:30:01- Very interesting.- DH Lawrence was named after one of the early hits...
0:30:04 > 0:30:07It's not going well, this, is it?
0:30:07 > 0:30:09Trees, trees...
0:30:09 > 0:30:11They've all knocked down trees. Tell us.
0:30:11 > 0:30:14- They all love climbing... - Climbing trees.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16- They all love climbing trees apart from DH Lawrence.- No.
0:30:16 > 0:30:18- Apart from Lucy, who was ground-based.- No.
0:30:18 > 0:30:20- Simon Cowell.- No!
0:30:20 > 0:30:23- Tony Robinson!- Tony Robinson! There we go.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25Apart from Tony Robinson... I'm going to tell you.
0:30:25 > 0:30:26He won't even touch a pencil.
0:30:26 > 0:30:29They all like climbing trees, apart from Sir Tony Robinson,
0:30:29 > 0:30:33who was caught urinating against one in the grounds of Buckingham Palace.
0:30:33 > 0:30:36He revealed this in an interview this week. Did anyone not...?
0:30:36 > 0:30:39- No.- I'm amazed it wasn't bigger news.
0:30:39 > 0:30:43- Simon Cowell likes climbing trees? - He likes climbing trees, absolutely.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46He revealed in an interview once his favourite hobby is climbing trees.
0:30:46 > 0:30:48He said:
0:30:52 > 0:30:53- Really?- Yeah.
0:30:53 > 0:30:54In an interview recently,
0:30:54 > 0:30:57Simon Cowell also talked about his plans after death.
0:30:57 > 0:30:59Can anyone guess what he's requested?
0:30:59 > 0:31:01He's going to carry on being in The X Factor.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03They'll sort of prop him up and have somebody just pulling
0:31:03 > 0:31:06- a string behind his back. "Blah-blah-blah..."- Cryogenics?
0:31:06 > 0:31:07Yes, he wants his body frozen.
0:31:07 > 0:31:11He wants to be frozen as an insurance policy. He said...
0:31:15 > 0:31:17Yes!
0:31:17 > 0:31:19Anyway, back to the Palace garden, where we join Tony Robinson.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22He was filming an episode of Time Team Live in the Queen's gardens
0:31:22 > 0:31:25and got caught short moments before the cameras started rolling.
0:31:31 > 0:31:33That... That's not unique.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38How do we know that Lucy, our oldest known human ancestor,
0:31:38 > 0:31:40liked climbing trees?
0:31:40 > 0:31:42She left a note.
0:31:43 > 0:31:46She was discovered in the 1970s, but they've only just worked out
0:31:46 > 0:31:49by studying her bones that in fact there were multiple breaks,
0:31:49 > 0:31:51in particular:
0:31:58 > 0:32:01So that makes her the oldest person that's fallen out of a tree
0:32:01 > 0:32:02apart from Keith Richards.
0:32:04 > 0:32:07They say that suggests this was the cause of death.
0:32:07 > 0:32:08Wow.
0:32:08 > 0:32:10The BBC website very helpfully shows us
0:32:10 > 0:32:13her falling from the... There we are.
0:32:13 > 0:32:14Just in case we...
0:32:17 > 0:32:20The answer is they all like climbing trees apart from Tony Robinson,
0:32:20 > 0:32:22who was caught urinating against one.
0:32:22 > 0:32:23Tony Robinson relieved himself
0:32:23 > 0:32:26just before a live Time Team at Buckingham Palace.
0:32:26 > 0:32:27It was a very exciting dig.
0:32:27 > 0:32:30They discovered the bony figure of an ancient prince
0:32:30 > 0:32:32who told them to bugger off out of his garden.
0:32:33 > 0:32:35According to the New York Times,
0:32:35 > 0:32:37DH Lawrence liked to climb a mulberry tree
0:32:37 > 0:32:39to inspire his writing. According to the article,
0:32:39 > 0:32:42many creative artists took inspiration in strange ways.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47Strange ingredient for a fondant fancy.
0:32:47 > 0:32:50LAUGHTER
0:32:50 > 0:32:53Simon Cowell told the Sun:
0:32:54 > 0:32:56Well, they've already made a start on his face.
0:32:59 > 0:33:02Ian and Nish, here are yours.
0:33:02 > 0:33:04We have got Neil Hamilton,
0:33:04 > 0:33:05Mark Carney,
0:33:05 > 0:33:06Jeffrey Archer
0:33:06 > 0:33:08and Michael O'Leary.
0:33:08 > 0:33:10Jeffrey Archer is the only one who's got access
0:33:10 > 0:33:12to the Cricket Ball of Time.
0:33:16 > 0:33:18Jeffrey Archer is the odd one out -
0:33:18 > 0:33:20he's the only one who's been to jail.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23- No.- No, it's true...
0:33:24 > 0:33:26That's not it, in this context.
0:33:26 > 0:33:30No, I just wanted to bring it up, just...just cos I did.
0:33:30 > 0:33:33- Can you give us a clue? - Why are you giving them a clue?
0:33:33 > 0:33:36- You didn't give us a clue. - Can I be of assistance?
0:33:36 > 0:33:38They've all been in Are You Being Served?
0:33:40 > 0:33:41Nnnn...
0:33:41 > 0:33:43Assistant-s.
0:33:43 > 0:33:46They've all been assistants with Doctor Who.
0:33:46 > 0:33:47No, no, no.
0:33:47 > 0:33:50They've all had problems with their personal assistants,
0:33:50 > 0:33:51apart from Ryanair boss Michael O'Leary,
0:33:51 > 0:33:54who is currently searching for a new personal assistant,
0:33:54 > 0:33:58with an advert that describes it as "the worst job in Ireland".
0:33:58 > 0:34:00There is no salary mentioned in the advert, but O'Leary has
0:34:00 > 0:34:03previously discussed staff salaries in relation to his own pay.
0:34:03 > 0:34:06- Anyone remember what he said? - They get free flights on Ryanair?
0:34:06 > 0:34:07No, he said...
0:34:12 > 0:34:17When asked about how he keeps his employees in line, he said...
0:34:19 > 0:34:22This man is going to be President of America in 20 years.
0:34:23 > 0:34:26I gave up with Ryanair when you went through the checkout and
0:34:26 > 0:34:28they said, "Can you take out your tube of toothpaste?",
0:34:28 > 0:34:30and stuff, and I said, "All right."
0:34:30 > 0:34:32They said, "Do you need a plastic bag?" I said, "OK."
0:34:32 > 0:34:35They said, "You have to go and buy one..."
0:34:35 > 0:34:36- Yeah.- "..over there."
0:34:36 > 0:34:38Then you had to go to a machine and you had to buy four.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40Don't you think that's appalling?
0:34:40 > 0:34:44Yeah, it's one of the things that troubles me every day.
0:34:47 > 0:34:51You know, sometimes, I cry myself to sleep at night, I do.
0:34:51 > 0:34:54Thinking about those three bags.
0:34:54 > 0:34:57I've got to be honest with you, I think of anyone on this panel,
0:34:57 > 0:34:59I'm the one with most to complain about,
0:34:59 > 0:35:01about treatment at the airport.
0:35:01 > 0:35:04Have you ever had to drink formula milk,
0:35:04 > 0:35:07to prove that it wasn't a bomb? Cos I have.
0:35:10 > 0:35:13And eat baby food, which is disgusting!
0:35:13 > 0:35:17So, yes, UKIP Welsh Assembly member Neil Hamilton was criticised
0:35:17 > 0:35:20- for appointing his wife as his PA. - What did Mark Carney's assistant do?
0:35:20 > 0:35:22What was his preference?
0:35:22 > 0:35:24Mark Carney's assistant, Jane Webster,
0:35:24 > 0:35:26got herself into trouble recently because,
0:35:26 > 0:35:29according to the Express, she appeared on Jeremy Kyle.
0:35:29 > 0:35:31So you're not allowed to be on The Jeremy Kyle Show if you work
0:35:31 > 0:35:34- at the Bank of England?- Not if you're in the civil service.- Oh, OK.
0:35:34 > 0:35:37Really, why not? Don't be such a snob!
0:35:37 > 0:35:41What has Jeffrey Archer blamed on his PA recently?
0:35:41 > 0:35:44- NISH:- Everything. - The weather.
0:35:44 > 0:35:47No, apparently, Jeffrey Archer's assistant sent out
0:35:47 > 0:35:49all the invitations to his Christmas party this month
0:35:49 > 0:35:51with insufficient postage on.
0:35:51 > 0:35:52Oh, that is so embarrassing!
0:35:52 > 0:35:56- Meaning guests have had to fork out £1.50 at the Post Office.- Wow.
0:35:56 > 0:35:58And to be fair, she has been
0:35:58 > 0:36:01very, very busy writing Jeffrey Archer's latest book.
0:36:02 > 0:36:05Jeffrey Archer admits he is paid £10,000 an hour for
0:36:05 > 0:36:09public speaking, but says he always gives it to charity.
0:36:09 > 0:36:11Or if she's with a client, Fifi.
0:36:12 > 0:36:14Time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:36:14 > 0:36:17which this week features as its guest publication Towpath Talk.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20There are lots of rules regarding barge travel.
0:36:20 > 0:36:23There's a limit of 60 - no-one under the age of 60.
0:36:23 > 0:36:25And we start with:
0:36:28 > 0:36:30Navigate your boat.
0:36:30 > 0:36:32Open locks.
0:36:32 > 0:36:34Open locks. Open locks.
0:36:34 > 0:36:36That is...unwittingly right, actually.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38What do you mean, unwittingly?!
0:36:38 > 0:36:41You're thinking of barge locks, you're thinking of canal-ways.
0:36:41 > 0:36:45- Yeah, that's what I'm thinking of. - Actually, you can unlock your car.
0:36:45 > 0:36:48There are fears that the technology may not be perfect
0:36:48 > 0:36:51and if you own a BMW, it might unlock doors to anyone
0:36:51 > 0:36:54who looks like a smug bastard.
0:36:54 > 0:36:56Next:
0:37:00 > 0:37:01The internet.
0:37:01 > 0:37:03- NISH:- The internet of things.
0:37:05 > 0:37:06The answer is...
0:37:08 > 0:37:10This is from Towpath Talk's complaints page,
0:37:10 > 0:37:13where there is also an angry letter about someone dumping a bar stool.
0:37:13 > 0:37:17Sadly, you can often see large stools floating in canals,
0:37:17 > 0:37:19that's usually just barge owners pumping out their lavatories.
0:37:19 > 0:37:21Next:
0:37:24 > 0:37:26- NISH:- Actual donkey as donkey.
0:37:27 > 0:37:30Panto saves money using normal-sized people as dwarfs
0:37:30 > 0:37:32but making them stand further away.
0:37:32 > 0:37:34This is right.
0:37:39 > 0:37:42LAUGHTER
0:37:42 > 0:37:46It's been revealed that several pantomime dwarves have lost work to:
0:37:47 > 0:37:50To be honest, that's how a lot of actors finally get work.
0:37:50 > 0:37:54According to one paper:
0:37:55 > 0:37:58And remember, that's on top of what they make in the mines.
0:38:03 > 0:38:04Next:
0:38:08 > 0:38:10It's gargle, isn't it?
0:38:10 > 0:38:11Mmm...
0:38:11 > 0:38:12- Brush your teeth.- Floss?
0:38:12 > 0:38:14Mmm, in the right sort of area.
0:38:14 > 0:38:16- Moisturise.- No.
0:38:16 > 0:38:19- Tone.- Stand up.
0:38:19 > 0:38:20Is...
0:38:20 > 0:38:22The President of America.
0:38:23 > 0:38:25According to health experts, you're supposed to sing
0:38:25 > 0:38:28the first verse of the national anthem while you wash your hands,
0:38:28 > 0:38:31- to ensure they are germfree. - That's lucky!
0:38:31 > 0:38:34That's why you should never shake hands with Jeremy Corbyn.
0:38:34 > 0:38:35Next:
0:38:38 > 0:38:39- JESS:- Childbirth.
0:38:39 > 0:38:41Reality.
0:38:41 > 0:38:42Is it "life"?
0:38:44 > 0:38:45It is in fact:
0:38:46 > 0:38:48This is from Towpath Talk -
0:38:48 > 0:38:51the annual dilemma of how to black your barge's hull:
0:38:58 > 0:39:01Or should you go and live in a fucking house like a normal person?
0:39:01 > 0:39:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:39:07 > 0:39:09Next:
0:39:12 > 0:39:13- NISH:- Is it Windows 8?
0:39:13 > 0:39:15No!
0:39:19 > 0:39:22Presumably all you have to do is open Windows.
0:39:25 > 0:39:26Next:
0:39:31 > 0:39:33By shouting, "Baldy!" through their letterbox.
0:39:33 > 0:39:36"Baldy!" Goes out and there's nobody there.
0:39:36 > 0:39:38Littering the towpath.
0:39:38 > 0:39:39- JESS:- They are bargers.
0:39:39 > 0:39:41Timothy West is definitely a barging man.
0:39:41 > 0:39:43You are on the right trail.
0:39:47 > 0:39:50People are being put off by Timothy West and John Sergeant,
0:39:50 > 0:39:53or as they are known in the narrowboating world, "the kids".
0:39:55 > 0:39:56And finally:
0:39:59 > 0:40:00Chocolate.
0:40:00 > 0:40:02- JESS:- Lasagne.- Absolutely right.
0:40:02 > 0:40:05Brenden Taylor posted a picture of his partner's scan on Facebook.
0:40:05 > 0:40:07Here it is:
0:40:08 > 0:40:09To which someone replied:
0:40:12 > 0:40:13To which Brenden replied:
0:40:15 > 0:40:16LAUGHTER
0:40:16 > 0:40:19This is the story of a woman...
0:40:19 > 0:40:21This is the story of a woman
0:40:21 > 0:40:24who posted an ultrasound picture of her unborn baby daughter
0:40:24 > 0:40:26only for her friend to mistake it for a lasagne.
0:40:26 > 0:40:29Although she hopes to have the baby naturally,
0:40:29 > 0:40:31doctors have warned her she may require a Caesarean Salad.
0:40:33 > 0:40:36So the final scores are Ian and Nish have 4,
0:40:36 > 0:40:38Paul and Jess have 8.
0:40:38 > 0:40:40APPLAUSE
0:40:46 > 0:40:48And I leave you with news that
0:40:48 > 0:40:50an old showbiz double-act are forced to go back on the road
0:40:50 > 0:40:52with their "catch the peanut" routine.
0:40:59 > 0:41:01In Washington, one Democrat admits
0:41:01 > 0:41:04to putting a crafty 100 on Trump to win.
0:41:07 > 0:41:10And in central London, one politician begins to regret
0:41:10 > 0:41:13agreeing to the image consultant's suggestion to have a makeover.
0:41:21 > 0:41:22Jezzie Izzard!
0:41:24 > 0:41:25Goodnight!