0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Tom Hollander.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43In the news this week - on a Labour team-bonding weekend
0:00:43 > 0:00:48in the Lake District, Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell go paragliding.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00More extraordinary footage emerges on Planet Earth II
0:01:00 > 0:01:04when David Attenborough goes filming as the pubs close in Glasgow.
0:01:10 > 0:01:11And on a holiday in San Francisco,
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Daniel Craig regrets telling his family,
0:01:13 > 0:01:15"I've been doing this for years.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17"Trust me, it's easy."
0:01:25 > 0:01:28On Paul's team tonight is the Ukip leadership candidate
0:01:28 > 0:01:31who said her aim was to get rid of the Labour Party.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33That's going terrifically well, what have you been doing?
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Please welcome Suzanne Evans.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38APPLAUSE
0:01:40 > 0:01:41And with Ian tonight,
0:01:41 > 0:01:45a comedian who went to the same public school as George Osborne.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47He even used to steal his lunch money -
0:01:47 > 0:01:52£500 a day! Welcome, Hal Cruttenden.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54APPLAUSE
0:01:57 > 0:02:00And we start with one of the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Paul and Suzanne, take a look at this.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Castro, known for rapidly ageing. There he's going, look.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09And also famous for his long, slow walk and millions of Cubans,
0:02:09 > 0:02:12in tribute to him, are also attempting the same slow walk.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16And there's a little old guy having a dance. "Havana" a dance, even!
0:02:16 > 0:02:18SILENCE
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Er, yes.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23We should edit the groan out,
0:02:23 > 0:02:26otherwise it's going to make the programme sound like an autopsy.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30- Castro.- Yes. - Good dictator or bad dictator?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32There's no such thing as a good dictator, surely?
0:02:32 > 0:02:34They're all bad.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37He did replace Batista, who was a very, very bad dictator,
0:02:37 > 0:02:40who turned Cuba into an enormous brothel
0:02:40 > 0:02:43run entirely by American Mafiosi.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45So, the start was quite good,
0:02:45 > 0:02:48then there was the summary executions and the mass murders
0:02:48 > 0:02:50and then it got less good.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53But, you know, everything goes off, doesn't it?
0:02:54 > 0:02:58All political parties start with good ideas, don't they, Suzanne?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Give them a little power...
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Well, it may not happen to you lot, obviously.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06APPLAUSE
0:03:09 > 0:03:13There were some gushing tributes to Castro. Who was the gushiest?
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Jeremy Corbyn was pretty gushy.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18He said he was a champion of social justice.
0:03:28 > 0:03:33Jeremy's phrase "for all his flaws" didn't go unnoticed on social media.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42"For all his flaws"...
0:03:58 > 0:04:01For all Jeremy's flaws, what is he particularly skilled at?
0:04:01 > 0:04:02Is he a beekeeper?
0:04:02 > 0:04:06Jeremy Corbyn is particularly skilled at making an exit.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Here he is delicately extricating himself
0:04:09 > 0:04:10from an interview on the NHS.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Thanks, Jeremy.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15I'd like to say a massive thank you to everyone here
0:04:15 > 0:04:17and across the country for making calls tonight
0:04:17 > 0:04:21and to all those who'll be attending an event...
0:04:21 > 0:04:23APPLAUSE
0:04:25 > 0:04:26That's marvellous, isn't it?
0:04:26 > 0:04:29It would have been an amusing moment if he'd kept going back
0:04:29 > 0:04:32and then you just heard a cry and you saw sort of fluttering curtains.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Or Tony Blair then edges into shot.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41How did President-elect Donald Trump react to Castro's death?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Did he say he was a divisive character
0:04:43 > 0:04:45who embroiled himself in US politics?
0:04:45 > 0:04:48"Divisive" has got a lot of syllables in it, he said...
0:04:48 > 0:04:50LAUGHTER
0:04:50 > 0:04:52He presidentially tweeted...
0:04:55 > 0:04:57He put that up, and there was a pause,
0:04:57 > 0:04:59and then he put a whole explanation as to why he hated him,
0:04:59 > 0:05:04and I reckon that pause was him being told who Fidel Castro is.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Castro's burial is being held this weekend.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Which heads of state will be attending?
0:05:09 > 0:05:13Mugabe and Zuma and then whoever's in charge of Bolivia.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17- I think it's the big dictators' piss-up.- Yeah.
0:05:17 > 0:05:22They're all going to go along and say, "This is how you run a country.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23"Certainly how I run one!"
0:05:23 > 0:05:27But Putin is not going, is he, even though he's a fan?
0:05:27 > 0:05:29I don't know, it's not here.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32- Am I right on this?- I've no idea.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34He's not going, but Putin...
0:05:34 > 0:05:37- I thought you were well up on... - No, no, no.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Are you not Ian Hislop of...?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41- No!- OK.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44This man has won a competition to be here tonight.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Who is Britain sending as a mark of respect?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Joe Pasquale?
0:05:53 > 0:05:57- Alan Duncan.- Alan Duncan? - Sir Alan Duncan.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59What's his actual position, Alan Duncan?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Alan Duncan, he's Keeper of the Glasses.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06It's a little unfair cos he doesn't normally wear glasses.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- Who are Ukip sending? - Oh, we're not sending anyone.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12Well, not as far as I'm aware.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Right, would you be aware if...?
0:06:17 > 0:06:18Yeah, I think so!
0:06:18 > 0:06:20APPLAUSE
0:06:20 > 0:06:27It's said that the CIA made 638 attempts to kill Castro,
0:06:27 > 0:06:29so let's play a game
0:06:29 > 0:06:31of Assassination Attempt - True or False.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32Yeah, brilliant!
0:06:36 > 0:06:38I'll name an assassination attempt.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40You buzz in to say if it's true or false.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Well, how can we buzz true or false?
0:06:43 > 0:06:45You buzz if you think you know the answer
0:06:45 > 0:06:47and then you say whether you think it's true or false.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49OK, yeah, that's good. That'll work.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Poisoned shoe polish - true or false?
0:06:52 > 0:06:53- True. - BELL RINGS
0:06:53 > 0:06:55- Yes.- But I buzzed.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59That's where the system breaks down.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Yeah, shoe polish laced with thallium sulphate
0:07:03 > 0:07:06was supposed to make his hair and beard fall out,
0:07:06 > 0:07:09leading to a loss of popularity among the people,
0:07:09 > 0:07:11which they believed was due to his hairiness,
0:07:11 > 0:07:15and would then depose him.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Unless he had access to a wig.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20This is the next assassination attempt.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22The CIA persuaded Castro's friend
0:07:22 > 0:07:24to hit him over the head with a big book.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26BUZZING
0:07:26 > 0:07:27- No, false.- False.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Yes, correct.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31- OK, next one, we can do better. - Go on, then.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Shrinking spectacles that would gradually tighten their grip
0:07:34 > 0:07:36around Castro's head... BUZZING
0:07:36 > 0:07:38..until his eyes popped out. You've buzzed.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- True.- No!- No.- It's false. Of course it's false.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Next one, toilet paper that would catch fire from the friction
0:07:44 > 0:07:47when wiped against human skin. BUZZER
0:07:47 > 0:07:50That's one of my worst nightmares.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52You ought to change brands.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55- Paul, is it true or false? - Definitely false.- Yes.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58- Next, LSD.- True, definitely.- Yes.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59Would you like to explain?
0:07:59 > 0:08:02He was going to do a broadcast and they tried,
0:08:02 > 0:08:05or they were going to try and give it to him before he did a broadcast,
0:08:05 > 0:08:08and then he'd go on and broadcast and go, "My people of Cuba...
0:08:08 > 0:08:10"Oh, the colours are lovely.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12"Oh, my beard's so fluffy."
0:08:12 > 0:08:14And it would destroy his reputation.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17The CIA planned to pump a gaseous form of LSD into
0:08:17 > 0:08:21the radio studio where Castro made his broadcasts to the nation.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23His listeners would think he'd gone mad,
0:08:23 > 0:08:27they would then storm the radio studio and kill him.
0:08:27 > 0:08:28Finally, poisoned wet suit. BUZZER
0:08:28 > 0:08:30- True.- Yes.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32They lined his suit with something because
0:08:32 > 0:08:35he liked scuba-diving. That was his thing, cigars and suits.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39Didn't they put a fake bomb in a shell at the bottom of the sea?
0:08:39 > 0:08:44- Yeah...- That sounds like a bad episode of SpongeBob SquarePants.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46There's no such thing!
0:08:52 > 0:08:54It doesn't say much for the CIA, does it?
0:08:54 > 0:08:55Nil success rate.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59"Tried to trip him up but ran away cos I got frightened."
0:08:59 > 0:09:02US lawyer James Donovan - Tom Hanks in Bridge of Spies -
0:09:02 > 0:09:06was supposed to give scuba diving enthusiast Castro
0:09:06 > 0:09:09the wet suit impregnated with tuberculosis bacteria
0:09:09 > 0:09:12as a gift when he went to negotiate release
0:09:12 > 0:09:15of US prisoners after the Bay of Pigs disaster.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Donovan refused to take it as he'd already given Castro
0:09:18 > 0:09:22a gift of a perfectly safe, poison-free wet suit.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25- Yeah.- Isn't that ridiculous? - Should have sent round a badger.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31This is the news that the CIA finally got their man,
0:09:31 > 0:09:33with the success of Operation Old Age.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35To mark Castro's death,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Cuba has declared nine days of national mourning...
0:09:38 > 0:09:42which will bring the economy to a complete standstill.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Well, it's what he would have wanted.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson will not be attending the funeral
0:09:49 > 0:09:51of Fidel Castro.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54The notorious womanising rebel who led his tiny island into one of
0:09:54 > 0:09:58the most disastrous chapters of its history will stay at home in London.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Ian and Hal, take a look at this.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08- Oh, it's the Mad Hatters. - They're not fruitcakes at all.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Ukip, that is the new leader.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14The one next to him, "No, I don't want the job. Not me, no."
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Look, it's the youth wing.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23This is the big news.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26They had an election and you were up for this, weren't you?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Anyway, this man Paul Nuttall has won.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Because he has to, it's done by name in Ukip.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34- Erm... - LAUGHTER
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Man has a fight, he's called Hookem.
0:10:36 > 0:10:42- Erm...- Do you know, he is now, Mike Hookem, fisheries secretary?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44He always has to do a job that's something to do with his name.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Hook 'em...
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Paul Nuttall won the contest with an impressive 62.6%
0:10:49 > 0:10:52of the 5,370 votes cast.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56But who was a close second... with 19.3%?
0:10:56 > 0:11:00Suzanne Evans. APPLAUSE
0:11:00 > 0:11:01This is impressive.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Metropolitan, liberal London audience clapping
0:11:05 > 0:11:06Ukip election results.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10She's a loser, though, that's why we are clapping.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12- APPLAUSE - Not that you are a loser!
0:11:12 > 0:11:15You're not. It's a good thing.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19- Do you feel badly about it? - No. Not at all.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23At least you beat the man who said a gay donkey raped his horse.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25I... I did.
0:11:26 > 0:11:31- By 200 votes. Impressive.- You can mock when you stand for election.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- You can mock then.- I can safely say I won't be doing that.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39- You have got a job, haven't you? - I have, I got my old job back.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42- What is it again?- Deputy chairman. - What does that involve?
0:11:42 > 0:11:46I wrote the manifesto in 2015 and I expect I'll be writing it
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- again in 2020.- Will it change at all?- Yeah, a little bit.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Last time, you got one MP.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54It will have to change because the Tories have nicked all our policies.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- We haven't got many left from 2015. - So you're going for Labour now?
0:11:57 > 0:12:01We're going for everybody but particularly Labour.
0:12:01 > 0:12:02I have always said,
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Ukip has got most chance among
0:12:04 > 0:12:06the working classes that the Labour Party
0:12:06 > 0:12:09has completely forgot, who don't recognise the Labour Party any more.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Have you seen Labour's standing in the polls?
0:12:11 > 0:12:15It is not a very big ambition...
0:12:15 > 0:12:17to beat them, is it?
0:12:19 > 0:12:22- Have you got any money?- At Ukip? Or me personally?
0:12:22 > 0:12:24I wasn't going to borrow some.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28We have some money and I am sure now Paul Nuttall is leader,
0:12:28 > 0:12:31we will have a lot more money from a lot more people who warm to Ukip
0:12:31 > 0:12:34because we have got a different man at the top.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- You said that so convincingly! - Well, I am convinced.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39He is a good man, Paul, a very good man.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- HAL:- He looks quite scary, doesn't he? If you're honest.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44- SUZANNE:- You say that.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45He got into a bit of trouble
0:12:45 > 0:12:48because somebody kept changing his Wikipedia page
0:12:48 > 0:12:52to say that he used to be Bungle in Rainbow.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01Still no denial from Paul on whether he was in The Muppets, though.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07What do we know about Paul Nuttall?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09He's a lovely man, despite appearances.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- SUZANNE:- He has done just about every other job in the party,
0:13:12 > 0:13:13apart from leader.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16He has done his apprenticeship and now he has the top job.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Congratulations, Paul.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21- HAL:- You are trying so hard to be nice about it. I like that.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23"Congratulations, Paul. I'm absolutely fine."
0:13:27 > 0:13:28I'm fine!
0:13:28 > 0:13:35- What do you want her to do, go round and deck him?- She is being gracious.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Gracious in defeat. He has got some strong opinions
0:13:37 > 0:13:38on abortion, the death penalty,
0:13:38 > 0:13:41climate change, the burka and gay people.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43And he once tweeted...
0:13:51 > 0:13:57- What are Nuttall's plans?- To hold the government to a hard Brexit.
0:13:57 > 0:14:02If Mrs May, at any point, goes soft, Nuttall will be there.
0:14:02 > 0:14:07That's the motto. "Don't go soft, Nuttall's watching."
0:14:08 > 0:14:10We definitely want a hard Brexit.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12It's got to be hard to be good, everybody knows that.
0:14:15 > 0:14:20- This is pornographic. - Any offers of panto this year?
0:14:22 > 0:14:25How did the Associated Press report this story?
0:14:26 > 0:14:28They tweeted...
0:14:36 > 0:14:39So can we all just agree to call him "Neil" from now on?
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Within just half an hour of the result,
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Ladbrokes had named a few favourites to be the next leader.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Oh, had they?
0:14:45 > 0:14:49With Farage out of the picture, who'd you think they went for?
0:14:49 > 0:14:52I don't know. It probably wasn't me, was it?
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Ladbrokes announced Nigel Farage...
0:14:54 > 0:14:57LAUGHTER
0:14:57 > 0:14:59I thought you said he was out of the picture!
0:14:59 > 0:15:02- ..is 3-1 favourite to be the next leader of Ukip.- OK.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Suze, sorry, again, I take no pleasure in any of this,
0:15:05 > 0:15:07I just want you to know.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Of course there are the shockingly high EU immigration figures
0:15:10 > 0:15:12that have just came out.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Yeah, record EU immigration figures today.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- HAL:- "They're all coming over!"
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Ohh! There could be some in here, Suzanne!
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Take cover under the desk. Oh, my God!
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Strange accents and everything.
0:15:25 > 0:15:26APPLAUSE
0:15:30 > 0:15:33You see, this is the fundamental misunderstanding about Ukip,
0:15:33 > 0:15:35we're not anti-immigration at all.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- We just want... - DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER
0:15:38 > 0:15:39It's true, it's true.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41You see, that's the problem with the message,
0:15:41 > 0:15:43it hasn't really got across.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45No, no.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48It does say something that the Prime Minister who promised to
0:15:48 > 0:15:52cut immigration down in the Home Office has not managed to do it all.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53- No, she hasn't.- It's increased.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55And actually, it's quite interesting,
0:15:55 > 0:15:58because the Prime Minister is being much more hardline
0:15:58 > 0:16:00on EU immigration than Ukip is.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Well, that's politics now, isn't it?
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Interestingly, lots of people are trying to get in - and this is
0:16:05 > 0:16:10why the figures have spiked - before the Brexit shutters come down.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12So, that's your fault, Suzanne.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15LAUGHTER
0:16:15 > 0:16:17APPLAUSE
0:16:19 > 0:16:22This is Ukip's latest leadership election.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Paul Nuttall won 62% of the vote in the ballot
0:16:24 > 0:16:28of Ukip grassroots members, though a series of late-night tweets
0:16:28 > 0:16:30almost swung it for Eric Bristow.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34Paul Nuttall is targeting Labour seats and at the moment,
0:16:34 > 0:16:36he does have an advantage over Jeremy Corbyn.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38The only way Nuttall could split his parliamentary party
0:16:38 > 0:16:41is by sawing Douglas Carswell in half.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Paul Nuttall accuses Labour of having lost touch
0:16:44 > 0:16:46and only caring about...
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Such as, "Has anyone seen Diane and Jeremy?
0:16:50 > 0:16:52"They have been doing the washing-up for ages."
0:16:54 > 0:16:57So, at the end of that round, four points each.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59APPLAUSE
0:17:07 > 0:17:13And so to Round Two, the Strengthometer of News.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18BUZZER
0:17:18 > 0:17:20It's the shock news that no-one in government
0:17:20 > 0:17:23has worked out that if you walk into a meeting like this,
0:17:23 > 0:17:25someone will put a camera on it.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27There's apparently a sign on the inside of the doors
0:17:27 > 0:17:30that says, "Don't display your notes on the outside."
0:17:30 > 0:17:31- Mm.- It does, apparently.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33"Please flush after using the toilet,"
0:17:33 > 0:17:36all the basic things that political aides need to know.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Yes, the handwritten memo was photographed in Downing Street.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42It was being carried by a Tory party aide as she and her boss
0:17:42 > 0:17:45left a meeting with the Brexit big beast David Davis.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47The gist of it seems to be...
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Cos that's... You'd expect something more detailed
0:17:50 > 0:17:52and more kind of complex from a big meeting, wouldn't you?
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Rather than just, "Have our cake and eat it."
0:17:54 > 0:17:55It'd be like the next thing, you know,
0:17:55 > 0:17:57"We're going to look before we leap."
0:17:57 > 0:17:58You know?
0:17:58 > 0:18:03- It's just sayings, isn't it?- It is. "Stitch in time saves nine."
0:18:06 > 0:18:10- You know what's going to spoil this broth?- BOTH:- Too many cooks.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12One of the other notes on the document read...
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Failing to predict the one reading,
0:18:18 > 0:18:20"Idiot displays secret meeting notes."
0:18:22 > 0:18:25The French have their own version of having your cake and eating it,
0:18:25 > 0:18:27- can anyone tell me what that is? - Marie Antoinette.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33Is it having your snails and then beating them in a race?
0:18:35 > 0:18:38DELAYED LAUGHTER
0:18:38 > 0:18:41They're saying that Britain wants to have...
0:18:43 > 0:18:45"The butter and the money to buy it."
0:18:45 > 0:18:47According to the Mail, "Other indignant Froggies say"...
0:18:47 > 0:18:49LAUGHTER
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Apparently we want the dairy as well.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57The lady carrying the Brexit notes
0:18:57 > 0:18:59is aide to Tory vice-chairman Mark Field.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01What do we know about him?
0:19:01 > 0:19:03- He once had an affair with Liz Truss.- Yes.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07Oh, there was I going to say he was the MP for the City of Westminster.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Yeah. That's interesting(!)
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Yes, he had an extra-marital affair
0:19:12 > 0:19:15with the also-married Lord Chancellor Liz Truss.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18I don't know what you think, but I think...
0:19:22 > 0:19:23APPLAUSE
0:19:29 > 0:19:32How did Boris Johnson stumble off message again this week?
0:19:32 > 0:19:34In Cabinet, apparently, he blurted out
0:19:34 > 0:19:36that he was in favour of freedom of movement
0:19:36 > 0:19:38and that he was in favour of an amnesty
0:19:38 > 0:19:41for all the illegal immigrants who were actually here.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Something he'd said before, when he was Mayor of London.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47But then he unsaid it when he decided he would support Brexit,
0:19:47 > 0:19:50and then he obviously forgot, when he was in Cabinet,
0:19:50 > 0:19:51that he'd unsaid it, so he said it.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53And now he's unsaid it.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Boris Johnson believes in freedom of movement
0:19:56 > 0:19:58and David Davis said the UK might pay
0:19:58 > 0:20:02for access to the EU single market. Do you feel betrayed, Suzanne?
0:20:02 > 0:20:06Um, I tell you what, I'm having that cake.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09I want the cherry on the top, too - but I ain't paying for it.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10You're going to steal it?
0:20:12 > 0:20:13- HAL:- The thing is, though,
0:20:13 > 0:20:15they're not going to give it to us, are they?
0:20:15 > 0:20:17- SUZANNE:- Well, you don't need to...
0:20:17 > 0:20:19You know, every country in the world has access to the single market.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22You don't need to pay for it.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24But there's 27 of them all saying, "Yes, you do,
0:20:24 > 0:20:27"unless there's free movement," isn't there?
0:20:27 > 0:20:29- SUZANNE:- No, there's 27 of them who are totally reliant upon us
0:20:29 > 0:20:31for their trade and for their jobs.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33- LAUGHTER HAL:- Oh, and they...
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Yeah. We don't need them at all.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38They might be a bit reliant, but TOTALLY is...
0:20:38 > 0:20:41- I mean, that's up there with the 350...- Did I say totally?
0:20:41 > 0:20:42I'm afraid you did say totally.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45- If I rephrase that, then... - Yeah, how about "a bit"?
0:20:45 > 0:20:46In a good month.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48There are 27 countries out there
0:20:48 > 0:20:51who are heavily reliant upon us for their trade.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54We've gone from "totally" to "heavily".
0:20:54 > 0:20:56How about "not very"?
0:20:56 > 0:20:57- No, no, no... - APPLAUSE
0:20:57 > 0:20:58Oh, come on!
0:21:02 > 0:21:04They need us far more than we need them.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06We sort of need each other, don't we?
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Can you imagine if Angela Merkel says,
0:21:08 > 0:21:10"No, unless you have free movement, unless you pay,
0:21:10 > 0:21:13"Mercedes, Audi are not going to be exporting to Britain"?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Come on, it's not going to happen, is it?
0:21:15 > 0:21:17German car manufacturers aren't going to put up with that.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19- How do you know that? - Spanish Cava producers
0:21:19 > 0:21:21aren't going to put up with that.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24French baguette producers aren't going to put up with that.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Are there any other stereotypes?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- HAL:- It feels like British people on tour talking to foreigners
0:21:31 > 0:21:33in that way of going, "What we want - we want free...
0:21:33 > 0:21:35"We don't free movement, but we want access to the single market,"
0:21:35 > 0:21:37They're going, "You cannot have that,"
0:21:37 > 0:21:40and we're going, "You don't understand. WE WANT..."
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Isn't it? It's just...
0:21:42 > 0:21:43APPLAUSE
0:21:45 > 0:21:48So, yes, this is the revelation that the Government
0:21:48 > 0:21:49does have a clear plan for Brexit.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53Theresa May was interviewed at the weekend wearing this stylish outfit.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55To be fair, the way Brexit's going,
0:21:55 > 0:21:58we could all do with a pair of brown wipe-clean trousers.
0:22:00 > 0:22:01APPLAUSE
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09BUZZER
0:22:09 > 0:22:11- HAL:- We haven't heard the end of this election.- Yes.
0:22:11 > 0:22:12Apparently it was rigged,
0:22:12 > 0:22:15and Donald Trump, having said it was rigged all along,
0:22:15 > 0:22:18now it is, he's said, "Why are we recounting it?"
0:22:18 > 0:22:21This is the news that some whingeing liberals in America
0:22:21 > 0:22:25are refusing to accept the election result and demanding recounts.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27What is Trump calling these people?
0:22:27 > 0:22:28Bastards.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30He said they were...
0:22:30 > 0:22:32and that their mums stink.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36What does Donald Trump say to those who claim
0:22:36 > 0:22:38that Hillary Clinton won the popular vote?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40He says that even though she won the popular vote,
0:22:40 > 0:22:43it was because it was all stolen votes, or whatever.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45- Or recent... - He said they were criminal votes.
0:22:45 > 0:22:46- Criminal votes.- Yes.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48He's got no evidence for this - he just tweets it.
0:22:48 > 0:22:49He says, "I actually won..."
0:22:49 > 0:22:52This is what he does - he just puts stuff out there that isn't true.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53Why don't they give him a machine
0:22:53 > 0:22:56that isn't connected to the outside world?
0:22:56 > 0:22:57So he can just do this stuff
0:22:57 > 0:23:00and, you know, we don't need to hear about it in great detail.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02- SUZANNE:- That'd spoil all the fun, wouldn't it?
0:23:02 > 0:23:03Oh, it's fun, is it?
0:23:05 > 0:23:10What details emerged about Donald Trump's mobile phone recently?
0:23:10 > 0:23:11It's being operated by an idiot.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14APPLAUSE
0:23:15 > 0:23:17They took it away from him at one point.
0:23:17 > 0:23:18- Yes.- His campaign team.
0:23:18 > 0:23:19Couldn't be trusted.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23But they've given it back to him, and he's now tweeting late at night.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24A bit like Rupert Murdoch,
0:23:24 > 0:23:26you've gotta watch these old blokes late at night,
0:23:26 > 0:23:29alone, tweeting.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31- HAL:- There's something about lack of sleep, isn't there?
0:23:31 > 0:23:33- Yes!- He sleeps... You know, very, very right-wing people
0:23:33 > 0:23:34don't sleep very much.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Hitler didn't sleep very much, Thatcher didn't sleep very much,
0:23:37 > 0:23:39- and...- Stalin.- ..Trump doesn't.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40- Did Stalin not sleep very much?- No.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43- I mean, he was...- Castro. - Well, he wasn't left OR right.
0:23:43 > 0:23:44- Yeah. Just chucking it in for balance.- Yeah.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46How much do you sleep, Suzanne?
0:23:46 > 0:23:47- A lot. - OK.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54There's still no sign of Trump appointing his Secretary of State,
0:23:54 > 0:23:56who will represent the United States abroad -
0:23:56 > 0:23:57but who is the front runner?
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Is it Death?
0:24:00 > 0:24:02- Mitt Romney?- Yes.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03Same thing.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Who, let's not forget, said earlier this year...
0:24:15 > 0:24:18They had another meeting over dinner this week. Here they are.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20HAL LAUGHS
0:24:20 > 0:24:22It was a mix-up on Grindr, wasn't it?!
0:24:23 > 0:24:25APPLAUSE
0:24:27 > 0:24:28Yes.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Mitt Romney looks like he's eating something sophisticated
0:24:31 > 0:24:34and Trump's just got a bowl and a big spoon.
0:24:34 > 0:24:39- Nothing too difficult.- His hair dye's leaked into the curtains.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43Trump had a proper man's sirloin steak with carrots
0:24:43 > 0:24:45and potatoes while Romney had...
0:24:47 > 0:24:49What is he, some kind of nancy boy?
0:24:51 > 0:24:54One thing we have to be grateful for to Donald Trump is his family.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58Did you see how his daughter Ivanka invited ridicule this week?
0:24:58 > 0:25:00No, I missed that, what did she do?
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Her 2009 book resurfaced in which she talks about her childhood
0:25:03 > 0:25:06as a Trump, including the heart-warming story
0:25:06 > 0:25:09of how she and her brothers tried to run a lemonade stand.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Unfortunately for Ivanka, she lived in such a rich area that
0:25:12 > 0:25:15no-one was ever seen in the street and so no-one bought her lemonade.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17So what did she do? She said...
0:25:25 > 0:25:27LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:25:29 > 0:25:32According to the Mail, Donald Trump's new Treasury Secretary,
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Steven Mnuchin, worked in film,
0:25:34 > 0:25:37investing in Suicide Squad and Avatar.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40He's also going to have a hand in next year's remake of Armageddon -
0:25:40 > 0:25:42which, unfortunately, isn't a film.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52BUZZER
0:25:52 > 0:25:53Well, I don't know what this is,
0:25:53 > 0:25:55but the words there, "analysis...innocent",
0:25:55 > 0:25:57suggest that there's some sort of computer programme
0:25:57 > 0:26:00that's been invented that can look at people's eyes and their
0:26:00 > 0:26:03facial expressions and determine whether they're guilty or innocent
0:26:03 > 0:26:06of whatever crime has been dreamt up that day back at the office.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07Yes, that's very good.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09This is the news that scientists in China have invented
0:26:09 > 0:26:12a controversial new computer programme they claim
0:26:12 > 0:26:14can identify a criminal just by looking at their face.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16So what are the things they're looking for?
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Yes, what physical features do criminals supposedly have?
0:26:19 > 0:26:24Their eyes are not so perfectly proportioned, I don't know...
0:26:24 > 0:26:25Is this guy innocent or guilty?
0:26:25 > 0:26:27It says "innocent" there in big letters.
0:26:27 > 0:26:28LAUGHTER
0:26:29 > 0:26:33Scientists from the Shanghai Jiao Tong University found that
0:26:33 > 0:26:35criminals have upper lips which...
0:26:36 > 0:26:37And...
0:26:39 > 0:26:43How did the Daily Mail celebrate this new technology?
0:26:43 > 0:26:47Suggesting that only 100% of people should be locked up immediately.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49They actually came up with a fun game to see how good readers
0:26:49 > 0:26:52were at guessing a wrong 'un by their face. Shall we try a few?
0:26:52 > 0:26:55- Absolutely.- Yes. OK, here's the first one.
0:26:55 > 0:26:56So according to the Mail,
0:26:56 > 0:27:00one of these women was a 1930s Holywood star married
0:27:00 > 0:27:03to Clark Gable, while the other was
0:27:03 > 0:27:05a sadistic SS Auschwitz-Birkenau guard
0:27:05 > 0:27:08choosing who to send to the death chambers.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10It is obvious, cos the one who's...
0:27:10 > 0:27:12- Not Carole Lombard.- ..the pretty one is obviously innocent.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Yeah. Here's another one.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Philanthropist or fraud?
0:27:17 > 0:27:19One picture's one of the first criminal mugshots ever taken
0:27:19 > 0:27:21in Britain, while the other chap gave away millions
0:27:21 > 0:27:23to education and health projects.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27- Which is the wrong 'un?- The one on the left's a drawing, isn't it?
0:27:27 > 0:27:30No, I think they are both photos.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32The one on the right is a vicar.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Mm, but is he though?
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Oh, do you think he's a bogus...?
0:27:36 > 0:27:38He's the prisoner, the one on the right.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41- HAL:- He looks like Castro halfway through shaving the beard off.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43The wrong 'un is on the right. George Perry,
0:27:43 > 0:27:46con artist, and on the left, John D Rockefeller,
0:27:46 > 0:27:48philanthropist and businessman.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51This is the computer software that claims it can tell
0:27:51 > 0:27:53a wrong 'un just by looking at their face.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56For instance, if a man has a moustache they're probably
0:27:56 > 0:27:58supporting Movember, so you can tell they're
0:27:58 > 0:28:00a good person who gives to charity - but a bit of an arse.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03The computer programme can't always give an answer.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06For instance, take a look at these two photos.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08One is an evil, murderous dictator,
0:28:08 > 0:28:12the other is a heroic, enlightened fighter for social justice.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14So hard to tell Ellie, my niece,
0:28:14 > 0:28:17with whom I had quite a big row about it.
0:28:17 > 0:28:18Here's the next one.
0:28:22 > 0:28:23BUZZER
0:28:23 > 0:28:27The son of Vivienne Westwood, isn't it, and Malcolm McLaren,
0:28:27 > 0:28:29the 40th anniversary of punk,
0:28:29 > 0:28:33has set fire to a large collection of stuff that was worth
0:28:33 > 0:28:38a million or so, saying punk wasn't really about nostalgia and he would
0:28:38 > 0:28:42rather that people weren't selling artefacts from all those years ago.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44Yes, excellent, this is the news that the multi-millionaire son
0:28:44 > 0:28:48of Sex Pistols manager Malcolm McLaren has incinerated
0:28:48 > 0:28:51his collection of punk memorabilia on a boat in the Thames.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54But what reason did Joe Corre give for burning
0:28:54 > 0:28:57the £5 million worth of punk junk?
0:28:57 > 0:29:00Punk's dead and it shouldn't be sold out to capitalism.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03- Yes.- It shouldn't be monetised.- Yes.
0:29:03 > 0:29:05He says punk has become nothing more than...
0:29:08 > 0:29:12"Corr-ehh" added that even the Queen supported the exhibitions...
0:29:12 > 0:29:13LAUGHTER
0:29:13 > 0:29:16..proving that punk has been...
0:29:16 > 0:29:18This isn't the first time Joe Corre had gotten rid
0:29:18 > 0:29:20of the memorabilia, why is that?
0:29:20 > 0:29:23The 30th anniversary. Ten years ago.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26He actually sold his collection of punk memorabilia
0:29:26 > 0:29:28in the early '90s so that he could fund his new business,
0:29:28 > 0:29:31the lingerie company Agent Provocateur.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34Upon selling the business years later for £60 million,
0:29:34 > 0:29:37he bought back most of his old possessions.
0:29:37 > 0:29:40What did Johnny Rotten think of Corre's protests?
0:29:40 > 0:29:43He thought it was true to the spirit of punk as they had it in 1975.
0:29:43 > 0:29:44He called him...
0:29:48 > 0:29:51Not everyone was entirely convinced by the stunt.
0:29:51 > 0:29:53Tim Sommer in The Observer agreed, saying...
0:29:59 > 0:30:00Adding...
0:30:09 > 0:30:12Which means at the end of this round it's six points
0:30:12 > 0:30:16to Paul and Suzanne, and four points to Ian and Hal.
0:30:26 > 0:30:29Now it's time for the Odd One Out round.
0:30:29 > 0:30:31Ian and Hal, here are yours.
0:30:31 > 0:30:33King Henry VIII...
0:30:33 > 0:30:34Bob Dylan...
0:30:34 > 0:30:35McDonald's...
0:30:35 > 0:30:37and Star Trek.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40Bob Dylan isn't going to turn up for his Nobel literature prize.
0:30:40 > 0:30:43- William Shatner...- Isn't either.
0:30:45 > 0:30:46Is it poetry?
0:30:46 > 0:30:49Who did Henry VIII have a beef with?
0:30:49 > 0:30:50The Pope.
0:30:50 > 0:30:53They've all been praised by the Pope, apart from Henry VIII.
0:30:53 > 0:30:55- Sort of the opposite,- but yes. Oh!
0:30:55 > 0:30:57- Oh, they've all been excommunicated. - All been criticised.
0:30:57 > 0:30:59- Except for Star Trek.- Yes.
0:30:59 > 0:31:01The Pope likes Star Trek...
0:31:01 > 0:31:05Particularly the first series, and Lieutenant Uhura,
0:31:05 > 0:31:07who he's got a bit of a thing about.
0:31:07 > 0:31:10What's this thing that he's got a bit of?
0:31:11 > 0:31:15Yes, they've all been criticised in the Vatican apart from Star Trek
0:31:15 > 0:31:18which was praised for giving the world a model of peace.
0:31:18 > 0:31:21- HAL:- Just looks like he's about to kiss an alien, doesn't it?
0:31:21 > 0:31:26Although it may be an alien, it's got a neat little line in scarves.
0:31:26 > 0:31:28So what was Ronald McDonald criticised for?
0:31:28 > 0:31:32McDonald's have come under fire from cardinals because they want to open
0:31:32 > 0:31:35- a new branch of the restaurant next to St Peter's Square.- Oh.
0:31:35 > 0:31:37There are fears that if it goes ahead,
0:31:37 > 0:31:40it could pave the way for branches of Piazza Express...
0:31:40 > 0:31:43and Pret a Manger.
0:31:45 > 0:31:48What beef have the Vatican had with Henry VIII recently?
0:31:48 > 0:31:52- He doesn't return their letters. - He hasn't done a lot recently.
0:31:52 > 0:31:55Well, a Henry VIII love letter
0:31:55 > 0:31:57which the Vatican owns has risque content
0:31:57 > 0:32:01and they have refused permission for a BBC documentary to film there.
0:32:01 > 0:32:04It was a reference to Anne's breasts,
0:32:04 > 0:32:07the full incriminating sentence read...
0:32:16 > 0:32:21- God.- To which Anne replied... "Learn to spell, you fat moron."
0:32:22 > 0:32:25Henry famously had six wives,
0:32:25 > 0:32:28immortalised in the school children's rhyme -
0:32:28 > 0:32:32Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35And the Vatican weren't impressed that Bob Dylan was awarded
0:32:35 > 0:32:36the Nobel Prize for Literature.
0:32:36 > 0:32:38Since it was announced that he'd won the prize,
0:32:38 > 0:32:40Bob Dylan has remained completely silent,
0:32:40 > 0:32:42so, in a way, we're all winners.
0:32:44 > 0:32:49Why was the Vatican newspaper so outraged by Dylan getting the prize?
0:32:49 > 0:32:52He became a born-again Christian at one point,
0:32:52 > 0:32:56but that wouldn't irritate them.
0:32:56 > 0:32:59Drug references in songs it must be.
0:32:59 > 0:33:04The Vatican noticed that Dylan was talented but stressed that...
0:33:04 > 0:33:07They also blamed Dylan for influencing generations
0:33:07 > 0:33:08of songwriters...
0:33:15 > 0:33:19L'Osservatore Romano is the daily newspaper of the Vatican City.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21It can be delivered,
0:33:21 > 0:33:23but only from evil.
0:33:27 > 0:33:29Paul and Suzanne, your four are...
0:33:29 > 0:33:30- Ed Sheeran...- Yes.
0:33:30 > 0:33:32King Arthur...
0:33:32 > 0:33:33Prince Zylinski...
0:33:33 > 0:33:34and Michael Heseltine.
0:33:34 > 0:33:38Ed Sheeran, obviously he must be at Madame Tussauds there,
0:33:38 > 0:33:42that's his waxwork double, is that the clue to what might be going on?
0:33:42 > 0:33:45I think it's do with swords.
0:33:45 > 0:33:47Because Ed Sheeran got stabbed in the face
0:33:47 > 0:33:49by Princess Eugenie this week.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52- Or Beatrice, wasn't it? - Well, it was one of the two.
0:33:52 > 0:33:53Do you know what she was doing?
0:33:53 > 0:33:55She was pretending to knight James Blunt.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58Exactly, she was pretending to knight James Blunt and then
0:33:58 > 0:34:00did that, and got Ed Sheeran in the face.
0:34:00 > 0:34:01It's an amazing story.
0:34:01 > 0:34:05They're not the brightest kids, are they, Beatrice and Eugenie?
0:34:05 > 0:34:07The party hostess, Princess Beatrice,
0:34:07 > 0:34:10was pretending to knight pop star James Blunt,
0:34:10 > 0:34:12but when she lifted the sword up she...
0:34:15 > 0:34:19.and swung it back, striking Ed Sheeran just below his right eye.
0:34:19 > 0:34:21The Sun provided a helpful mock-up.
0:34:25 > 0:34:30I think that's the Royal Lodge, it's Prince Andrew's home.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33- Which is interesting, look at the decor.- Yes.
0:34:33 > 0:34:35It's one of those places where you're related to most of
0:34:35 > 0:34:37the people in the paintings.
0:34:37 > 0:34:41After the story was reported in the press, Princess Beatrice
0:34:41 > 0:34:44attracted widespread criticism for her actions.
0:34:44 > 0:34:46She had a sword in her hand and James Blunt on his knees -
0:34:46 > 0:34:48why didn't you finish him off?
0:34:49 > 0:34:52Cos Hesel... What was it Heseltine did? Sorry.
0:34:52 > 0:34:55In parliament in the 1970s, before television,
0:34:55 > 0:34:57he sort of brandished the mace above his head...
0:34:57 > 0:34:59Was it to stop a debate or something?
0:34:59 > 0:35:01Heseltine brandished the Parliamentary Mace during
0:35:01 > 0:35:05a vote over nationalisation plans for the shipbuilding industry.
0:35:05 > 0:35:09The government reached a majority of one and Labour MPs stood up
0:35:09 > 0:35:11and began to sing The Red Flag.
0:35:11 > 0:35:12Out of anger, Heseltine...
0:35:16 > 0:35:17And...
0:35:22 > 0:35:27- And that bloke, the Polish bloke, is he a duellist?- Prince Zylinski?
0:35:27 > 0:35:31- Yes.- He brandished a sword in 2015 - why?- In the European Parliament.
0:35:31 > 0:35:34- He was challenging Nigel Farage to a duel. SUZANNE:- Was he really?
0:35:34 > 0:35:39Janek said he'd had enough of Farage discriminating against immigrants.
0:35:44 > 0:35:46Obviously everyone knows it's Brummies.
0:35:48 > 0:35:51- Did Farage take Janek up on his offer?- Probably not.- Of course not.
0:35:51 > 0:35:54No, he turned it down, explaining that Ukip members avoided
0:35:54 > 0:35:58fighting with anyone who wasn't a close personal colleague.
0:36:00 > 0:36:03So they've all brandished an antique weapon, apart from pop star
0:36:03 > 0:36:06Ed Sheeran, who was recently hurt with a ceremonial sword at a party.
0:36:06 > 0:36:09Princess Beatrice was trying to knight James Blunt when she
0:36:09 > 0:36:11accidentally cut Ed Sheeran's cheek.
0:36:11 > 0:36:13To be fair to Princess Beatrice, she was tired,
0:36:13 > 0:36:16as she'd done a hard day's work two years earlier.
0:36:18 > 0:36:21Which means that, at the end of this round,
0:36:21 > 0:36:24it's six points to both teams.
0:36:31 > 0:36:34So time now for the Missing Words round which this week
0:36:34 > 0:36:36features as its guest publication
0:36:36 > 0:36:40the Herefordshire Beekeepers' Association's Buzzzz Word
0:36:40 > 0:36:44worth buying for the Page 3 honey.
0:36:46 > 0:36:47And we start with...
0:36:50 > 0:36:51- SUZANNE:- Unlike man,
0:36:51 > 0:36:55bees do not walk round the house feeling the radiators,
0:36:55 > 0:36:58leaving the loo seat up, turning the thermostat down,
0:36:58 > 0:37:00telling you how to drive your car, mansplaining.
0:37:00 > 0:37:03Bees don't do any of that. Am I close?
0:37:03 > 0:37:05No, cos it's too long for that space.
0:37:07 > 0:37:08What are you like judging distances, love?
0:37:08 > 0:37:10You see the gap there?
0:37:10 > 0:37:11Well done.
0:37:17 > 0:37:22Unlike man, bees do not have a sense of their own mortality.
0:37:22 > 0:37:25I must apologise to any bees watching,
0:37:25 > 0:37:27that must have come as a nasty shock.
0:37:27 > 0:37:29Next...
0:37:32 > 0:37:34Why not roast a bee?
0:37:39 > 0:37:43Introduce them to your secret family from Hull.
0:37:43 > 0:37:46Drop dead.
0:37:46 > 0:37:51What, a sort of funeral director's sort of advertising campaign
0:37:51 > 0:37:53- for Christmas?- Yeah.
0:37:53 > 0:37:56We call it Boxing Day in our trade, in they go!
0:38:01 > 0:38:04To really impress the family this Christmas,
0:38:04 > 0:38:07why not serve them bacon and banana trifle?
0:38:07 > 0:38:10This is according to Heston Blumenthal,
0:38:10 > 0:38:14who this week launched his new Waitrose Trying Too Hard range.
0:38:14 > 0:38:15Next...
0:38:19 > 0:38:21- Is it honeybee?- It's...- Bumblebee?
0:38:21 > 0:38:25- HAL:- Is it the drone bee? The drone or something?- No, it's not a bee.
0:38:25 > 0:38:28- It's not a bee.- It is an animal. - Is it David Attenborough?
0:38:28 > 0:38:30- HAL:- It's a monkey of some sort.
0:38:30 > 0:38:33- It has feathers. HAL:- It's a snake.- Robin.
0:38:33 > 0:38:36"It's a snake"? It's got feathers. It's a snake!
0:38:36 > 0:38:39You haven't been watching Planet Earth.
0:38:39 > 0:38:42There's some amazing snakes with feathers.
0:38:42 > 0:38:44It's a flirty flamingo.
0:38:44 > 0:38:46According to the Daily Mail,
0:38:46 > 0:38:49flamingos systematically divorce each year.
0:38:49 > 0:38:54They're nature's version of Cheryl Cole...
0:38:54 > 0:38:57but with thicker legs.
0:39:01 > 0:39:02Next...
0:39:05 > 0:39:07To wear a burka.
0:39:12 > 0:39:17- SUZANNE:- I'm afraid I have a horrible feeling I know this one
0:39:17 > 0:39:18cos I think I saw the survey,
0:39:18 > 0:39:21and it was least likely to change their underpants.
0:39:21 > 0:39:24- HAL:- Oh.- That's correct.
0:39:24 > 0:39:26Suzanne, I thought you were going to know it cos it was
0:39:26 > 0:39:30Ukip voters are least likely to vote for Suzanne Evans.
0:39:32 > 0:39:34I'm sure it's not true, though.
0:39:34 > 0:39:36No, Ukip voters are least likely to, yes, change their underwear.
0:39:36 > 0:39:41This is from a YouGov poll which also found that 1% of Ukip voters
0:39:41 > 0:39:44would wear a pair of pants more than ten times before washing them.
0:39:44 > 0:39:47- No! I don't believe it.- Hang on. - They've made this up.
0:39:47 > 0:39:49Back to front, inside out,
0:39:49 > 0:39:53I haven't done any exercise so go round again, that's still only four.
0:39:54 > 0:39:55Dirty bastards.
0:39:57 > 0:39:58And finally...
0:40:01 > 0:40:03Tickle a bee on the tummy and become amorous.
0:40:03 > 0:40:06If the two of you are like-minded,
0:40:06 > 0:40:10make love in a meadow or up against a wall.
0:40:10 > 0:40:15Bees aren't particular, as long as they know the way home.
0:40:15 > 0:40:21- But I think that's probably too long to fit in there.- So, um...
0:40:21 > 0:40:23Wander naked down the Mall,
0:40:23 > 0:40:27shouting, "How's this for a majority?"
0:40:27 > 0:40:29First one very close, while the weather's nice and sunny,
0:40:29 > 0:40:32- why not photograph your honey? SUZANNE:- Ah!
0:40:32 > 0:40:33That's a good idea.
0:40:33 > 0:40:36So the final scores, ladies and gentlemen,
0:40:36 > 0:40:38are Ian and Hal - 6.
0:40:38 > 0:40:40Paul and Suzanne - 8.
0:40:40 > 0:40:42APPLAUSE
0:40:43 > 0:40:45APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:40:45 > 0:40:48But, before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:40:48 > 0:40:51Is it a meeting of ewe-kip?
0:40:51 > 0:40:53- SUZANNE:- Oh, very good.
0:40:53 > 0:40:55See, cos there's only one of them.
0:40:55 > 0:40:57- HAL:- See, I was thinking it was looking at a bus
0:40:57 > 0:40:59and going, "350 million a..."
0:40:59 > 0:41:01Rubbish! Who put that on there?
0:41:04 > 0:41:08And I leave you with the news that Jeremy Corbyn realises
0:41:08 > 0:41:11he's accidentally bought a jumper that's only 70% hessian.
0:41:14 > 0:41:17Donald Trump backs away from building a wall
0:41:17 > 0:41:21but introduces a new test for would-be Mexican immigrants.
0:41:23 > 0:41:26And the Coldstream Guards realise it was a mistake
0:41:26 > 0:41:29to let Prince Harry have a night out before Trooping the Colour.
0:41:32 > 0:41:33Good night.