0:00:02 > 0:00:04- A few words for level, please, Alan. - Alan Johnson, ex-MP.
0:00:04 > 0:00:06Oh, have you not been informed?
0:00:06 > 0:00:08LAUGHTER
0:00:08 > 0:00:12I decided to go straight. Where's my sister, by the way?
0:00:12 > 0:00:14WOMAN CHEERS
0:00:14 > 0:00:15LAUGHTER
0:00:15 > 0:00:20This programme contains adult humour.
0:00:20 > 0:00:24She seems to be having a good time, whatever she's doing.
0:00:24 > 0:00:29You've got the best catchphrase in showbiz. "Where's my sister?"
0:00:57 > 0:01:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Good evening and welcome to this election special of
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Have I Got News For You.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17I'm Jo Brand, and the result is, of course, TBC.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Oh, sorry, that should have been filled in.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24And the result is, of course, Total Bloody Chaos.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28In the news this week, in the race to be the first constituency
0:01:28 > 0:01:31to declare, there's evidence that the counters at
0:01:31 > 0:01:35Newcastle Central may not have processed all the votes properly.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44After playing a key role in the Conservatives' disastrous
0:01:44 > 0:01:49election campaign, Lynton Crosby goes home to put up a garden shed.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57As he waits to be served a much-needed drink,
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Nick Clegg struggles to accept how much contempt
0:02:00 > 0:02:03he was held in by his own constituency.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15And after finally retaining her seat after two recounts,
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Amber Rudd slightly overdoes the celebrations.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who spends his time touring
0:02:26 > 0:02:30the country, making things up and bringing laughter to millions.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34No, it's not Theresa May. Please welcome Ross Noble!
0:02:34 > 0:02:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:42 > 0:02:46And with Paul tonight is a former Labour minister who's just retired,
0:02:46 > 0:02:49so this could be his last TV appearance.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51It all depends on whether he can dance.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55LAUGHTER
0:02:55 > 0:02:57If he can't, we'll see him on Strictly.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Please welcome Alan Johnson.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:07 > 0:03:11And we start with Ian and Ross. Take a look at this.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17This must be the election.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21- Yes, it is. ROSS:- Is there an election on?
0:03:21 > 0:03:23- There was. - I should have watched the telly.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25The British public have spoken.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29And no-one knows what they've said.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31That's a good look.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35He's won, look, he thinks he's won.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38I think... It's an absolutely amazing result.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Everybody who was predicting it was completely wrong.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45What seems to have happened is that the British public don't like
0:03:45 > 0:03:47being told what to think,
0:03:47 > 0:03:50and they don't like people getting above themselves,
0:03:50 > 0:03:53so Mrs May just got a huge slap.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00"I'll take half your majority away. Shut up!"
0:04:00 > 0:04:02I like your characterisation of the British public as this one
0:04:02 > 0:04:04tetchy individual.
0:04:06 > 0:04:11A slight air of camp about it, let's be fair.
0:04:11 > 0:04:16That's how I view them. They also don't like people picking on people.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19So Corbyn got a massive sympathy vote. Boomf!
0:04:19 > 0:04:23- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yay! - There's one!
0:04:23 > 0:04:25No, it was absolutely extraordinary.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29- And those of us who stayed up all night...- You sound a bit hoarse.
0:04:29 > 0:04:34- Were you shouting at the screen for a long time?- Nearly five hours.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37No, it was amazing and just completely unpredictable.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Whatever you thought you knew was completely wrong.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44Which is good for people in my business.
0:04:44 > 0:04:49Don't you think it's time to get rid of the British public? I mean...
0:04:49 > 0:04:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:55 > 0:04:58- They are getting in the way, aren't they?- They are!
0:04:58 > 0:05:02To be fair, that is what May is planning to do.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Cos we've got too many old people, so she's going to go,
0:05:04 > 0:05:08"I think we could just get rid of them as quickly as possible."
0:05:08 > 0:05:10We've had it with Europe and with the local elections...
0:05:10 > 0:05:13They keep doing things we don't want them to do.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17- I don't know, they've gone too far. Enough is enough.- Yes.
0:05:17 > 0:05:23Although, to be fair, they didn't vote in Mr Fish Finger.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25There he is! There he is!
0:05:25 > 0:05:28It's Mr Fish Finger at the front, actually.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33I think that's cruel. He might have been born like that.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Imagine giving birth to that and being told by the doctor
0:05:36 > 0:05:39"He's a boy, but he's a fish finger as well."
0:05:39 > 0:05:43Amber Rudd... Am I the only one who thinks Amber Rudd sounds like
0:05:43 > 0:05:46a traffic light sequence? So...
0:05:46 > 0:05:52If she stood for the Green Party, it would be Amber "Rudd" Green.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Like the Highway Code.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02I said that on the programme about eight months ago!
0:06:02 > 0:06:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:07 > 0:06:11- That's almost word for word what I said.- I didn't see it, honestly.- No.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15- It's just, when you sit here, your genius emanates.- I know.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19I can't do anything about it. I'll have to sit near an open window.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22If they can find me saying it and play it in...
0:06:22 > 0:06:24- I know, Ian, it's getting late. - I know!
0:06:24 > 0:06:27- Have you got a charabanc to catch somewhere?- I have!
0:06:27 > 0:06:30- I'll shut up. - No, no. No, no.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33- What's happened?- We've gone off the election cos they're not interested.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Steve, who's lost their seat?
0:06:35 > 0:06:39Yeah, OK. All right. Paul Nuttall has just resigned.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Paul Nuttall has resigned? That's not bad.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57He had a disappointing evening.
0:06:57 > 0:07:02Their seats went from nought to nought. Which is tough.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- But hang on. - He claims he's resigned,
0:07:05 > 0:07:08- but that might just be what it says on his website.- Yeah.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11We might find out he's still got his job.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Who told you this Amber Rudd joke?
0:07:14 > 0:07:16LAUGHTER
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- I thought it up myself. - You thought it up yourself?!
0:07:19 > 0:07:20I sit in a darkened room.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23I think of you and this stuff comes into my head.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26LAUGHTER
0:07:26 > 0:07:30- If he starts doing jokes about penguins, we're onto him.- Yeah.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Now, it was an amazing night for Jeremy Corbyn.
0:07:33 > 0:07:39Alan, you described him as "useless, incompetent and incapable."
0:07:39 > 0:07:41You're reading things into that.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Typical of the mainstream media - attacking.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Hislop and his establishment paper, Public Eye or whatever it is,
0:07:54 > 0:07:58- you just make up these things. - Can I just say at this point,
0:07:58 > 0:08:02I'd like to congratulate Jeremy on a very, very good campaign.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:06 > 0:08:09I'm not serious!
0:08:09 > 0:08:12He was terrible, but he wasn't as terrible as her.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14That's all that matters.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17If you start from a really low bar...
0:08:17 > 0:08:18A huge success.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22He's now as successful as Gordon Brown was when he lost.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28But we consider victory to be a bourgeois concept.
0:08:28 > 0:08:33The only goal for true socialists is glorious, bloody defeat.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37Then Mrs May must be thrilled.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40- Are young people responsible for this?- Yeah, they've come out,
0:08:40 > 0:08:42which is terrific.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:47 > 0:08:49And next they'll get a job!
0:08:49 > 0:08:53We have to ask you, Ross, cos you're the nearest thing
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- approaching a young person. - Oh, my God!
0:08:56 > 0:08:58That makes me feel very special.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02And completely at odds with everything my wife says.
0:09:02 > 0:09:07According to ITV, the third-most googled question last night was...
0:09:10 > 0:09:13That might have been older people, we don't know.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15I think that was Tories.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Jeremy was very pleased.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21- He attempted a high-five with Emily Thornberry.- Oh, yes.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24- Shall we have a look? - Yes, let's have a look at that.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:39 > 0:09:43Essentially, he saw the opportunity was there.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47- Everybody would see it as a mistake. - Typical of a politician,
0:09:47 > 0:09:49he just fronted it out and pretended it didn't happen,
0:09:49 > 0:09:52whereas he should have just owned it and gone...
0:09:52 > 0:09:54HE HONKS
0:09:57 > 0:10:01That's what people want from the politicians.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Except Donald Trump, obviously.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06People kept saying he was like Trump, an outsider, and he thought,
0:10:06 > 0:10:09"If I'm going to be really like Trump..."
0:10:09 > 0:10:14No-one could quite believe the exit poll when it was announced
0:10:14 > 0:10:20at 10pm but sadly for Theresa May, Exit meant Exit.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24Let's have a look at somebody that was helping out.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27It's the expert behind the poll, Professor John Curtice,
0:10:27 > 0:10:32who was made to stand on a balcony and shout down at David Dimbleby.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34For those of you who watched,
0:10:34 > 0:10:36there were seven hours of people going "It's too early to say.
0:10:36 > 0:10:41"It's too... No, it's not early any more. It's... Oh, damn, it's right."
0:10:41 > 0:10:43And there was quite a lot of him,
0:10:43 > 0:10:46once you got into the early hours, going...
0:10:49 > 0:10:52In fact, there's probably footage of him on that scaffolding going,
0:10:52 > 0:10:54"Come on!"
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Shall we have a look at some of the high-profile casualties?
0:10:57 > 0:11:01We like to do that. Let's start with Nick Clegg.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03- AUDIENCE:- Aw!
0:11:07 > 0:11:11- There we go. ROSS:- He did look sad. - He looks very depressed, doesn't he?
0:11:11 > 0:11:14- ALAN:- No, that's a look of relief. - Do you think?- It's relief.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18- He's out of there, yeah. - Anyone here feel sorry for him?
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Yeah, I felt sorry for him. But when the coalition started,
0:11:21 > 0:11:23I said, "I don't mind a hung parliament."
0:11:23 > 0:11:26I quite like the idea of politicians having to deal with each other
0:11:26 > 0:11:28and come up with a compromise in the middle.
0:11:28 > 0:11:33I'm against thumping majorities, cos they go around thumping people.
0:11:33 > 0:11:38APPLAUSE
0:11:38 > 0:11:40The guy who beat Nick Clegg had to go out and buy
0:11:40 > 0:11:42a suit in the supermarket.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44He didn't think he was going to win.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47So they sent him out to get a suit.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49What sort of supermarket sells suits?
0:11:49 > 0:11:57- Tesco Extra.- Tesco...- Tesco Extra, 24 hours a day.- Waistcoats...?
0:11:57 > 0:12:00- Do they do cummerbunds at short notice?- They do.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02And first-rate spats.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05LAUGHTER
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Would you like to see Laura Kuenssberg talking about
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- Tim Farron's close shave? - No.- Yes.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16A very, very knife-edge result in Westmorland, where Tim Farron,
0:12:16 > 0:12:19the current party leader, is facing potential defeat.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23There's chatter there about a recunt - recount.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26LAUGHTER
0:12:26 > 0:12:30The thing about that is, she's been working so hard, just nonstop.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32She hasn't had a break.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36The other day, she was on the news and she said... She was supposed
0:12:36 > 0:12:41to say, "They've been out there shaking hands and kissing babies."
0:12:41 > 0:12:43And I swear to God,
0:12:43 > 0:12:47she went, "They've been out there shaking babies... Oh!"
0:12:47 > 0:12:53I went "What?" Theresa May's going, "I really don't want to continue."
0:12:55 > 0:12:56Shaking babies!
0:12:58 > 0:13:01It's sad. She was talking all night and that's the bit everyone remembers.
0:13:01 > 0:13:06- I know.- I was in a room full of people who all just laughed.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09No, we thought it was a bit hard on Tim.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14And in a bad night for the SNP and a brilliant one for
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Scottish Tory leader Ruth Davidson,
0:13:16 > 0:13:21- Alex Salmond lost his seat. - Yes.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24That was a shame, wasn't it, audience?
0:13:24 > 0:13:29- See Doctor Who won that one. - He's flashing up there.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Peter Capaldi won that seat. Look there - Doctor Who.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35As you're filling in for Laura Kuenssberg here, Jo...
0:13:35 > 0:13:37- Shut up, you- BLEEP!
0:13:37 > 0:13:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Sorry.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00You're nicking my material now!
0:14:01 > 0:14:07Paul, let's take you briefly back to a painful area, Amber Rudd.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14It wasn't Michael Portillo who told you, was it?
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- No.- She won after two recounts,
0:14:17 > 0:14:21although Diane Abbott said it was five.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23LAUGHTER
0:14:23 > 0:14:27Will Amber Rudd be the next leader, do you think?
0:14:27 > 0:14:29If she does become the next leader,
0:14:29 > 0:14:34I can imagine the headline writers will have a field day with her name.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37It's almost like a traffic light.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41Traffic light sequence!
0:14:41 > 0:14:44- Who was looking very happy at the result?- Jeremy.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48No, think Tory who's recently...
0:14:48 > 0:14:52- Osborne. - Yes, indeed, Osborne.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56He was on ITV. They had a special smugometer for him.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02He had little curly shoes on with bells,
0:15:02 > 0:15:05and he was skipping from foot to foot.
0:15:05 > 0:15:10- I can't imagine George Osborne looking smug.- Well, here we are.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Have a look. There he is.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15LAUGHTER
0:15:15 > 0:15:19He had a strange habit of giving the viewer a piercing stare.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20Let's have a look.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32- ROSS:- To be fair, he was just looking like that because Ed Balls
0:15:32 > 0:15:34was tap dancing on his feet.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36What's going to happen now?
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Well, they've got to form a government. Unless Steve comes in
0:15:39 > 0:15:43again and tells us that Theresa May has resigned.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Or maybe the public will resign.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49I think the vote is pretty clear. We don't want to vote again.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Can we not?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53We've done it enough now.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57Let's have a referendum on whether we want to do that.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Even in Scotland they said they'd had enough voting.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Just across the board. If you're promising another vote,
0:16:03 > 0:16:06everyone goes, "No. No, thanks. We're quite busy this year."
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Let me just nip in with a question.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10What does a hung parliament mean for Brexit?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13The negotiations begin in 11 days.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Somebody from the European Union
0:16:16 > 0:16:18has already said that she's a lame duck.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Cos she says "My government wants this," and they say,
0:16:21 > 0:16:23"You don't have a government."
0:16:23 > 0:16:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Which is not a great position.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31APPLAUSE
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Theresa May has shown she is strong and stable,
0:16:34 > 0:16:37so when she goes into those negotiations,
0:16:37 > 0:16:40they will obviously be in awe of this strong and stable...
0:16:40 > 0:16:45- This is the woman who backed out of an interview on Woman's Hour.- Yeah.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49- You have to be strong to do that. - That takes guts.
0:16:49 > 0:16:54We need a boo for the end, so can I just say Zac Goldsmith got in?
0:16:54 > 0:16:57AUDIENCE: Booo!
0:16:57 > 0:16:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:05 > 0:17:09Can we look forward to another general election in the autumn?
0:17:09 > 0:17:12We might get... You can hear the groans.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16- But if I was a Tory, Alan... - Which you are.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Yeah, like you. No! No.
0:17:19 > 0:17:20If I was, I'd be thinking,
0:17:20 > 0:17:23"Let's just let her do the next year or so."
0:17:23 > 0:17:26- Just going to be miserable, isn't it?- It's going to be miserable.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28- Sitting around, she's doing Brexit. - Yeah.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31So who definitely won't be happy to hear there might be another
0:17:31 > 0:17:36- general election? Who do we remember?- Is it everyone?
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Well, Brenda from Bristol.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Remember how she reacted to the news?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44You're joking.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Not another one?!
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Oh, for God's sake, honestly...
0:17:48 > 0:17:53I can't stand this. There's too much politics going on at the moment.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Why does she need to do it?
0:17:55 > 0:17:58APPLAUSE
0:18:02 > 0:18:05A question she must be asking herself.
0:18:05 > 0:18:10And thinking, "Why didn't I employ Brenda as a special assistant?"
0:18:10 > 0:18:15- So, this is the news... - Carry on, Laura.- Thank you.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Watch it.
0:18:17 > 0:18:23I have other weapons in my vocabulary apart from the C-word.
0:18:23 > 0:18:24This is the news of...
0:18:24 > 0:18:28- You started with the nuclear option, though, didn't you?- I did.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I know.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33That's always a massive mistake if you're a stand-up
0:18:33 > 0:18:36cos if you start with the nuclear option, you got nowhere to go
0:18:36 > 0:18:39except crying off-stage, really.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Tell that to Kim Jong-il.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45I will, cos we're good mates.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47He likes a cake.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51LAUGHTER AND OOHING
0:18:51 > 0:18:56- Thank you, Ian.- You have a programme about cakes!- Oh, OK.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03This is the news of the humiliating victory for Theresa May.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Not quite all of the results are in yet as we speak.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08The largest party...
0:19:08 > 0:19:10is being held by students in Sheffield,
0:19:10 > 0:19:13where Nick Clegg lost his seat.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Speaking at the Islington count,
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Jeremy Corbyn called for the Prime Minister to go, saying...
0:19:21 > 0:19:27In fact, the only thing she did win, Jeremy, was 50 more seats than you.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30There's an outside chance that Jeremy Corbyn could form
0:19:30 > 0:19:31a minority government,
0:19:31 > 0:19:34although he would need the support of Sinn Fein. See?
0:19:34 > 0:19:38You never know when your links to terrorist groups will come in handy.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Paul and Alan, take a look at this.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Oh, this would seem to be the same question as they had.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52- There's Theresa May. - Who's that?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Dunno, Mr Sesame Street.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58That's going to happen to transport in Britain. He's on a coach.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00We've seen all these people already.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04I refer Your Honour to my client's previous answer.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- Slightly different slant on it. - Is it?- Yeah.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10This is the last few days of Theresa May thinking she had
0:20:10 > 0:20:12a political future.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16She was flummoxed by a tough question on ITV.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19- Do you know what it was? - "What's your favourite colour?"
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Yes, it was something like,
0:20:21 > 0:20:25"What is the craziest thing you've ever done?"
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- "The maddest thing you've ever done"?- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Naughtiest.
0:20:28 > 0:20:33Naughty, thank you. I'm indebted to the MP for Rochdale North...
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Let's have a look and see exactly what she did say.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41- What's the naughtiest thing you ever did?- Oh, goodness me. Um...
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Well, I suppose...
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- PAUL:- Threesome with John Major and Nicholas Soames.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- I'm not quite sure. - There must have been a moment.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Nobody is ever perfectly behaved, are they? I mean, I have to confess,
0:20:52 > 0:20:56when me and my friends used to run through the fields of wheat,
0:20:56 > 0:20:59the farmers weren't too pleased about that.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05But, to be fair, what she didn't say was that she was carrying
0:21:05 > 0:21:08another child who had a terrible wheat allergy.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12And she was just running, like that. And his head was all swollen up...
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Basically... I mean, the thing is, right,
0:21:15 > 0:21:19is that the campaign was so terrible and she did such an appalling job
0:21:19 > 0:21:22and she still was trying to make out that, you know...
0:21:22 > 0:21:25What she should have done there - "So what's the worst thing?" -
0:21:25 > 0:21:29she should have gone, "I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die."
0:21:29 > 0:21:31- That's what she should have done. - LAUGHTER
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Now, I'm going to ask you lot, then,
0:21:33 > 0:21:36what's the naughtiest thing you've ever done? Ian?
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Yeah, come on, Ian. This'll be interesting!
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Tell them about the threesome
0:21:41 > 0:21:44with Lady Antonia Fraser and Harold Pinter.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:50 > 0:21:52OK, how long have you got?
0:21:52 > 0:21:55That's what you used to say when you walked in!
0:21:58 > 0:22:02What happened when Tim Farron went inside his polling station to vote?
0:22:02 > 0:22:08- They wouldn't let him in. - No. Shall we have a look?- Yeah.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11There's a fight.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13- WOMAN:- A man just nearly tripped up. He's done it again.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15What's going on?
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Oh, God, they're having a proper scrap.
0:22:21 > 0:22:22AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:22:27 > 0:22:29LAUGHTER
0:22:29 > 0:22:31There we go. Bit of a scrap outside.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33It's nothing compared to John Prescott.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36John Prescott didn't let the cameramen and the reporters
0:22:36 > 0:22:39hit each other, he stepped in himself.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Now, during his final week of campaigning,
0:22:42 > 0:22:45what mistake did Conservative candidate Chris Hopkins make
0:22:45 > 0:22:48at a hustings in Keighley, West Yorkshire?
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Did he forget which party he was standing for? Or where he was?
0:22:51 > 0:22:55He made the mistake of asking the audience a question
0:22:55 > 0:23:00- that he assumed was rhetorical. Let's see if they agreed.- Right.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05ALL: Yes!
0:23:14 > 0:23:15LAUGHTER
0:23:15 > 0:23:20And the seat was won by John Grogan, Labour's candidate there.
0:23:20 > 0:23:21CHEERING
0:23:21 > 0:23:25Thank you, John Grogan's family.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29Meanwhile, in East Yorkshire, what did Conservative candidate
0:23:29 > 0:23:34Greg Knight do at the end of his campaign video that took
0:23:34 > 0:23:36everyone by surprise?
0:23:36 > 0:23:41Oh, he took his clothes off. Danced naked in the Hawaiian sun.
0:23:41 > 0:23:46- Played the drums.- Whistled.- You're not far off on the sort of music...
0:23:46 > 0:23:50- He sang. - Let's just have a look and see.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Hello, my name's Greg Knight.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56I'm the Conservative candidate for East Yorkshire.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00I hope you'll vote for me and support Theresa May.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03We want a strong and stable government,
0:24:03 > 0:24:07not a coalition of chaos led by Jeremy Corbyn.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11# You'll get accountability
0:24:11 > 0:24:15# With Conservative delivery
0:24:15 > 0:24:18# Make sure this time you get it right
0:24:18 > 0:24:21# Vote for Greg Knight. #
0:24:23 > 0:24:26This is the final few days of the election campaign,
0:24:26 > 0:24:30during which the BBC has without doubt been unashamedly biased
0:24:30 > 0:24:34in favour of the party you didn't vote for.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38Diane Abbott did what's known as a Theresa May and failed
0:24:38 > 0:24:41to turn up for a debate on Woman's Hour because she was ill.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42To be fair to her,
0:24:42 > 0:24:46she did phone in saying she had a temperature of 5,000.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50LAUGHTER
0:24:50 > 0:24:54A senior Labour source has dismissed Corbyn supporters
0:24:54 > 0:24:56as a coalition of...
0:25:00 > 0:25:05Missing out the most feared of all - the Ringo Starr-linists.
0:25:05 > 0:25:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:12 > 0:25:15On the last day of the campaign, Theresa May went to the butchers
0:25:15 > 0:25:18in the morning, then a home furnishing store,
0:25:18 > 0:25:21then went to watch some bowls on the village green.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Sounds like she was trying to get the vote of my Auntie Pat.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28On Wednesday, Theresa May visited the Smithfield meat market
0:25:28 > 0:25:31where the butchers talked her through various cuts of meat,
0:25:31 > 0:25:37and had to explain to Theresa May that Brisket means Brisket.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41And a soft Brisket is infinitely preferable to a hard one.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45APPLAUSE Thank you.
0:25:45 > 0:25:51So, at the end of that round, well, it's a draw - you got two each.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54APPLAUSE
0:26:00 > 0:26:01Time now for Round Two,
0:26:01 > 0:26:05and let's move on from talking about the election to answering
0:26:05 > 0:26:08- some quickfire questions about the election.- Excellent!
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Over the course of the campaign,
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Theresa May did something 15 more times than Jeremy Corbyn.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19- What was it?- Changed her shoes.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21- BELL - Change her shoes.- Correct, Paul.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Well done, it was change her shoes.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26May wore 15 different pairs of shoes while Corbyn wore...
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Well, to be fair, hers were covered in wheat.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Wheat and mud.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37So, yeah, just one pair of shoes. That's nothing.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41My husband's had the same pants on since the referendum.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44In 1975.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47What did Ruth Davidson say about Theresa May that's quite hard
0:26:47 > 0:26:48to believe?
0:26:48 > 0:26:51- BELL - She's a laugh.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54Indeed, yes. No, she did. She told The Sunday Times...
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Knock-knock. Who's there? Theresa May.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Only joking, it's Amber Rudd!
0:27:04 > 0:27:07LAUGHTER
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Fingers back on buzzers.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12What did Jacob Rees-Mogg do for the first time this election?
0:27:12 > 0:27:15- BUZZER - He went to a tattoo parlour.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17He did. With his son.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Your chance to have Gladstone imprinted on your chest?
0:27:20 > 0:27:24But there was a poster in the window saying that the Tories were
0:27:24 > 0:27:26rubbish and scum and all that,
0:27:26 > 0:27:29so he chose not to go in but had his photograph taken outside.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Whether that's the answer to the question or not,
0:27:31 > 0:27:34- I want points for that cos that was good.- You're so demanding.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37- No, it's the wrong answer. - But it is true, it did happen.
0:27:37 > 0:27:43- Yes.- He took his family campaigning. And they all look like...well, him.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45He joined Instagram.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47ROSS LAUGHS Yes.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50He's only just got the wireless!
0:27:50 > 0:27:56I'm laughing along - "Instagram"! Ha-ha! What's that?
0:27:56 > 0:27:58It's where you...
0:27:58 > 0:28:00If you're at a party,
0:28:00 > 0:28:03somebody turns up dressed as powdered soup and strips.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07LAUGHTER
0:28:09 > 0:28:11- Sounds terrific!- It's good.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15I thought I was the only one that went to those sort of parties.
0:28:15 > 0:28:16Did you see...
0:28:16 > 0:28:20My favourite bit of the election coverage last night on the BBC
0:28:20 > 0:28:23was where he was being interviewed and this bloke was just...
0:28:23 > 0:28:25The timing was perfect.
0:28:25 > 0:28:29A fella just walked in behind and just started dismantling the set.
0:28:29 > 0:28:30And Rees-Mogg's there going,
0:28:30 > 0:28:33"Well, obviously, it was..." And this fella's just like this,
0:28:33 > 0:28:37like Morecambe and Wise, in the background. It was perfect.
0:28:37 > 0:28:41And what is not allowed to exceed four inches
0:28:41 > 0:28:44- during an election campaign? - Oh, God, come on. Come on.
0:28:44 > 0:28:48- Everyone knows that.- What is not allowed to exceed four inches
0:28:48 > 0:28:53- during an election campaign? - The type size of the word "Tory".
0:28:53 > 0:28:55"Labour".
0:28:55 > 0:28:57"Ukip".
0:28:57 > 0:29:01Something that when you're campaigning you wear.
0:29:01 > 0:29:03- Rosette. - Yes, absolutely.
0:29:03 > 0:29:07Well, how do the Monster Ravings get round that, then?
0:29:07 > 0:29:09Unbelievable.
0:29:09 > 0:29:13The amount of work I've done for them. Shocking.
0:29:13 > 0:29:18What did we find out is older than 11 members of the previous cabinet?
0:29:18 > 0:29:20Jeremy Corbyn's shoes?
0:29:20 > 0:29:24- His beard.- Yes, his beard, absolutely.
0:29:24 > 0:29:27He grew it straight after he dumped Diane Abbott, apparently,
0:29:27 > 0:29:31but unfortunately she still recognised him.
0:29:31 > 0:29:35What was particularly unusual about Diane Abbott's election leaflet?
0:29:35 > 0:29:39It said, "Vote Tory"?
0:29:39 > 0:29:42No, it was partly printed in Norwegian.
0:29:42 > 0:29:45LAUGHTER
0:29:45 > 0:29:48Now, Jeremy Corbyn was asked what he thought of his critics.
0:29:48 > 0:29:51Do you know how he replied?
0:29:51 > 0:29:54- BUZZER - I don't believe in personal abuse.
0:29:54 > 0:29:58Erm... Shall we have a look? And you can see how close you are.
0:29:58 > 0:30:01There are cynics who calculate these things in politics who say,
0:30:01 > 0:30:03"Well, Labour said this, Tories said that, you know,
0:30:03 > 0:30:09"Nye, nye, nye, nye, nye, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh."
0:30:09 > 0:30:12APPLAUSE
0:30:12 > 0:30:16And finally in this round, have a look at this picture and tell me
0:30:16 > 0:30:20which one of these microphones hits Boris Johnson in the face.
0:30:20 > 0:30:22BUZZER
0:30:22 > 0:30:25- No, you've all got to pick one, OK? - I'll go for the biggest blue one.
0:30:25 > 0:30:28- ALAN:- I'll go for the red one. - I'll go for the one that says "ORF".
0:30:28 > 0:30:31- I'll go for that black one on the end there, on the left.- OK.
0:30:31 > 0:30:33- Shall we have a look?- Yeah.
0:30:33 > 0:30:36The people voted by a convincing majority...
0:30:36 > 0:30:39- ALAN:- Red one's moving up. - Go on! Come on, blue!
0:30:39 > 0:30:41- Go on, blue, go on, blue! Come on!- Go on, red!
0:30:41 > 0:30:46Go on, son, take it up, son! Blue, blue, blue!
0:30:46 > 0:30:48CHEERING
0:30:48 > 0:30:50APPLAUSE
0:30:53 > 0:30:55That was my favourite moment of the campaign.
0:30:55 > 0:30:58Boris Johnson turned to the camera and said to someone,
0:30:58 > 0:31:02"Can you actually imagine Diane Abbott being Home Secretary?"
0:31:02 > 0:31:06Says Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson!
0:31:06 > 0:31:08LAUGHTER
0:31:08 > 0:31:12Which means, at the end of this round, Ian and Ross have 4
0:31:12 > 0:31:15and Paul and Alan have 6.
0:31:15 > 0:31:18APPLAUSE
0:31:23 > 0:31:26OK, time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:31:26 > 0:31:29which this week features as its guest publication
0:31:29 > 0:31:32House of Commons New Members' Guidebook,
0:31:32 > 0:31:34which is given to all new MPs.
0:31:34 > 0:31:36And we start with...
0:31:41 > 0:31:45Is it, "Please do not resign as Prime Minister"?
0:31:45 > 0:31:47Do not order envelopes.
0:31:47 > 0:31:49I think, Paul, you're the nearest there. It's...
0:31:56 > 0:31:59I always thought they got their stationary when the Speaker shouted,
0:31:59 > 0:32:01"Order, order!"
0:32:01 > 0:32:04LAUGHTER
0:32:04 > 0:32:08- Sorry, Ian.- No, it's good. - Was it?- No.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11Yeah, look, Alan was writing it down.
0:32:11 > 0:32:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:32:16 > 0:32:18OK, and the next one...
0:32:24 > 0:32:28Is it by "having passionate sex on the central reservation of the A52?"
0:32:28 > 0:32:32It is, well done! No, it's not, it's not.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35- Is it by using a hairdryer? Pointing a hairdryer.- Absolutely.
0:32:35 > 0:32:39This is Jean Brooks, who's become an unlikely star after she was spotted
0:32:39 > 0:32:43standing in her front garden using her hairdryer as a false speed gun.
0:32:43 > 0:32:45Let's have a look at her in action.
0:32:47 > 0:32:50LAUGHTER
0:32:50 > 0:32:55- ROSS:- The only thing here, though, what she's not fully thought through
0:32:55 > 0:32:59is that just looks like she's got a gun.
0:32:59 > 0:33:02- She's got sunburn, too. - Yeah.- Mmm.- Over that tattoo.
0:33:02 > 0:33:06What does that say? "I love safety".
0:33:06 > 0:33:08LAUGHTER
0:33:12 > 0:33:14OK, next one.
0:33:18 > 0:33:22- ROSS:- Cheesy Wotsit lookalike.
0:33:22 > 0:33:24Covfefe of the Year.
0:33:25 > 0:33:27It's actually...
0:33:29 > 0:33:32A reporter this week tweeted the champions board at one of the
0:33:32 > 0:33:35Trump National Golf Clubs. Let's have a look.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40Oh, well, that's not rigged, then(!)
0:33:40 > 0:33:43Also this week, Vladimir Putin was interviewed by American
0:33:43 > 0:33:46news anchor Megyn Kelly, who said...
0:33:53 > 0:33:57No, Megyn, don't tell him about your family!
0:33:57 > 0:33:58Next...
0:34:02 > 0:34:04Oh, is this from the Members' Handbook, Alan?
0:34:04 > 0:34:07Yeah, it's whenever you're going to mention them in a speech.
0:34:07 > 0:34:10What about if you're going to use part of their speech and pass it off...?
0:34:10 > 0:34:12LAUGHTER
0:34:12 > 0:34:15That's only Amber Rudd who's ever done...known to do that.
0:34:17 > 0:34:20- He's so hurt.- Aw!
0:34:20 > 0:34:23Yeah, actually, the correct wording is...
0:34:26 > 0:34:29The guide also gives a list of catering outlets and bars
0:34:29 > 0:34:30where you can enjoy...
0:34:38 > 0:34:40What, no elevenses?!
0:34:40 > 0:34:42Next...
0:34:44 > 0:34:47- ALAN:- Photograph of The Beatles.
0:34:47 > 0:34:50He's the one on rhythm guitar, apparently.
0:34:50 > 0:34:54- ROSS:- It's in the snow, wasn't it? - It was.- On a mountain.- Yeah...
0:34:56 > 0:34:59A Beatles' fan has spotted John Lennon's face in
0:34:59 > 0:35:03a snowy arctic mountain near the North Pole. Let's have a look.
0:35:03 > 0:35:05Oh, yeah, there it is.
0:35:05 > 0:35:06That's very, very good.
0:35:06 > 0:35:09Supposed to "imagine".
0:35:09 > 0:35:11Yay!
0:35:11 > 0:35:14It's supposed to look like the front cover of Sgt Pepper.
0:35:14 > 0:35:19And just a bit higher up, it looks exactly like the White Album.
0:35:19 > 0:35:21Next...
0:35:25 > 0:35:27- ALAN:- Expose your genitals.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30Or your "supporters" as it's sometimes known.
0:35:30 > 0:35:33That's bowing to the Speaker's chair, isn't it, when you leave.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35- You see them do it. Yeah, bowing.- That's right...
0:35:39 > 0:35:41It's an old-fashioned tradition,
0:35:41 > 0:35:43although there are some modern elements to the House of Commons.
0:35:43 > 0:35:46For instance, for the last eight years they've had
0:35:46 > 0:35:48a compact miniature Speaker.
0:35:48 > 0:35:51LAUGHTER
0:35:51 > 0:35:53Size shaming!
0:35:53 > 0:35:56Well, why not?
0:35:56 > 0:35:58LAUGHTER
0:35:58 > 0:35:59Next...
0:36:02 > 0:36:04Under Boris Johnson.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08We aim to have you sworn in.
0:36:08 > 0:36:10Yes, it's pretty much what you said.
0:36:10 > 0:36:13But the wording is "up and running".
0:36:13 > 0:36:17Up and running in a week - just one of many reasons why I'm not an MP.
0:36:17 > 0:36:19Next...
0:36:23 > 0:36:27Meeting Scotsman in pub for a joke.
0:36:27 > 0:36:30- Erm, football - playing football. - Football.
0:36:30 > 0:36:34- It is... - Oh!- Let's have a look.
0:36:36 > 0:36:39'Woohoo! Congratulations!'
0:36:39 > 0:36:40She's good!
0:36:44 > 0:36:46She's very good on the cross.
0:36:46 > 0:36:49LAUGHTER
0:36:52 > 0:36:55Erm, that was spotted at a festival in Limerick.
0:36:55 > 0:36:59There has to be a limerick about a nun and a policeman, surely?
0:36:59 > 0:37:04There once was a copper from Cork Who pestered a nun with a fork...
0:37:04 > 0:37:07To his surprise, it went in his eyes...
0:37:07 > 0:37:11And...there was residue of some pork.
0:37:11 > 0:37:12LAUGHTER
0:37:12 > 0:37:15What about, he was heard to utter, "I'd like it with butter,"
0:37:15 > 0:37:18- but unfortunately they could only find Stork.- Yes!
0:37:18 > 0:37:20- Ooh!- It's very good!
0:37:20 > 0:37:22APPLAUSE
0:37:22 > 0:37:24And lastly...
0:37:26 > 0:37:28Eyebrow!
0:37:28 > 0:37:32- "I invented the eyebrow!" - No, it was in fact the Magnum.
0:37:32 > 0:37:36- It was the Magnum ice cream. - Apparently so...
0:37:36 > 0:37:39He wanted a choc ice with vanilla ice cream in it
0:37:39 > 0:37:42that he could have a stick, and then he, he, apparently...
0:37:42 > 0:37:46he spoke to somebody and they did some sort of prototype...
0:37:46 > 0:37:48He must have got Q to do it for him.
0:37:48 > 0:37:50It would've have been quite an easy job for Q, really,
0:37:50 > 0:37:53- just to stick a stick into a bloody choc ice!- Can I just say?
0:37:53 > 0:37:55The country's falling apart, there's no-one leading it,
0:37:55 > 0:37:59we're into an age of instability, there's the EU elections coming up,
0:37:59 > 0:38:03and all you can talk about is flaming choc ices and sticks.
0:38:03 > 0:38:06No, a flaming choc ice wouldn't work, Alan, no.
0:38:06 > 0:38:08LAUGHTER
0:38:08 > 0:38:10That's why, you know, in the end, you had to go.
0:38:10 > 0:38:13LAUGHTER
0:38:13 > 0:38:15Do you want to know the final scores?
0:38:15 > 0:38:18Put it this way - if we've lost, we'll still claim a victory,
0:38:18 > 0:38:21- cos that seems to be... - APPLAUSE
0:38:21 > 0:38:24..seems to be the way that it's going.
0:38:24 > 0:38:27That's right, claim your victory, then,
0:38:27 > 0:38:31because Ian and Ross have 8, and Paul and Alan have 9.
0:38:31 > 0:38:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:37 > 0:38:40On which note we say thank you to our panellists,
0:38:40 > 0:38:43Ian Hislop and Ross Noble, Paul Merton and Alan Johnson,
0:38:43 > 0:38:46and I leave you with news that on the campaign trail,
0:38:46 > 0:38:52Tim Farron's day helping out in an IVF clinic doesn't go that well.
0:38:52 > 0:38:54LAUGHTER
0:38:58 > 0:39:01In Somerset, after steering his MP to victory,
0:39:01 > 0:39:05Jacob Rees-Mogg's campaign manager heads for home.
0:39:05 > 0:39:07LAUGHTER
0:39:09 > 0:39:12After losing 21 seats in the snap election,
0:39:12 > 0:39:16Nicola Sturgeon gets ready for her first meeting with Theresa May.
0:39:16 > 0:39:18LAUGHTER
0:39:18 > 0:39:20To cap an almost perfect week,
0:39:20 > 0:39:24Jeremy Corbyn's car runs over Laura Kuenssberg's foot.
0:39:24 > 0:39:27LAUGHTER
0:39:27 > 0:39:30And in London, as Theresa May's car pulls up outside her house,
0:39:30 > 0:39:34one resident decides she'll pretend to be out.
0:39:34 > 0:39:37LAUGHTER
0:39:37 > 0:39:38Goodnight!
0:39:38 > 0:39:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:40:15 > 0:40:18It turns out, apparently, that Paul didn't say the thing
0:40:18 > 0:40:20about Amber Rudd, it was Ian.
0:40:20 > 0:40:21What?!
0:40:21 > 0:40:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:25 > 0:40:28What?!
0:40:28 > 0:40:30What?!
0:40:30 > 0:40:34You are exposed.
0:40:34 > 0:40:38That is the first joke I have written since 1988!
0:40:38 > 0:40:40Apparently they're only joking.
0:40:43 > 0:40:45He's good, ain't he?
0:40:45 > 0:40:48If they're looking for a career in comedy, I'll have a word with them!